#and while dogs are so kind etc etc i am Afraid Of Them For Lore Reasons

[elytrafemme]

ten minute countdown to my mental health meeting oh boy

[espers-n-espurrs]

Pinned Post.

hi, i figured i should redo my pinned post so here we are.

call me esper. my pronouns are she/her and i am currently 14.

im currently attending my first year at naranja-uva academy in the general studies track. i grew up in spikemuth but ive recently learned that i was not born there, rather having been born in kalos and growing up there before suddenly being brought to galar several years ago.

im interested in a number of things such as: art, music, baking/cooking, photography, etc. and my favorite pokemon is deerling and sawsbuck.

i am also psychic. 👍.

anyways, my own pokemon are on the card below vvv

fauna is my first pokemon and harley is my service pokemon.

[ OOC: Please read under the cut ! ]

My other PKMN IRL Blogs can be found linked to my OOC hub alongside OOC talks: @grims-local-pkmn-irl-hub

The Redux discord server link and info can be found: HERE!

BLOG RULES/GUIDELINES

Though the mun is an adult, the character is still a minor, so please be mindful of how you interact! NO NSFW.

Pelipper Mail/Malice, Musharna Mail/Malice, Magic Anons, Mystery Gifts, Union Circle: OFF

ANY kind of PKMN IRL blog can interact! Eeby Deebies, sapient/sentient pkmn, evil teams, canon characters, etc. ➥ Be aware that Esper will fearful/hesitant when interacting with legendary/mythical blogs!

IN CHARACTER anon hate is fine! Keep in mind that I reserve the right to not answer all anon hate asks though! Especially if they are something I don't feel comfortable answering!

ASK TO TAG! Sometimes an important tag may slip my mind or I may not think of it so please do not be afraid to let me know!

HIGH STAKES! This blog will delve into high stakes territory at certain points! Be aware of this for your own comfort!

STORY ARCS

Moved to separate page for ease of viewing, click here to access!

General Tags

#esper beams -> Posts made by Esper

#esper rbs -> Posts reblogged by Esper

#askbox -> Ask responses

Semi-Important Tags

#dog brother -> Posts that mention or include Flynn (@/estranger-and-stranger-still)

#victoria / MN tag -> Posts that mention or include Victoria (@/victoria-vd)

#thievul tag -> Posts that mention or include “Thievul”

#la famille -> Posts that mention Esper's family or speak indepth about them

#psychicposting -> Posts about being psychic or sharing psychic lore

#redux worldbuilding -> Posts about different worldbuilding aspects of redux

#tribes of vianna -> Esper posting about the indigenous people of Galar (the Kingsmen and the Equirex)

#faiths of vianna -> Esper posting about the religion she was raised in aka the religion of the Kingsmen and the Equirex

Important Tags

#foresight -> Posts to pay attention to! These might provide clues or foreshadowing for ongoing or future arcs!

#miracle eye -> Offscreen posts

#blind spot -> Blind spot signifies that the tagged post is completely invisible to certain blogs linked to this one! ➥ If a post is tagged with a specific character than that specific character cannot see it while the others are able to! For example "#blind spot: esper" would mean that Esper cannot see that post! Blind Spots are completely visible to everyone else besides the above blogs so anons or otherwise are able to see and engage with these posts!

Blogs heavily tied to Esper:

@estranger-and-stranger-still @victoria-vd @jaimemes @yveltalreal @aspens-dragons @vulgrados-best @rock-n-rolycoly

And Esper <3

[eyecookie]

Tell us more lore for the dark enchantress cookie members and it normal peeps >_>

Okay Okay Okay!!

Will start tagging the Dark Enchantress cookie members post as 'FamilyCookies' because thats what me and the other au owner called it!

Tws: Eating Disorder mention (just the name), Ableism, Fatphobia, Bullying, Self Harm, Religious Trauma.

Nothing of the tws happend between the family and its just mentions of the past.

Warning: i am not intersex, so i apologize if anything i say here is wrong, or me not knowing the specific names of anything because my memory is short, don't feel afraid to correct me.

The members are: Dark Enchantress, Pomegranate (Moms) Licorice, Red Velvet, Strawberry Crepe, Poison Mushroom, Dark Choco, Affogato, Purple Yam, Black Raisin and Chess Choco (Children)

Under the read more/Keep reading there is the lore

Dark Enchantress and Pomegranate are dating, They are a healthy couple.

All the childrens are adopted, their plan wasn't to have many kids, but in every orphanage they went, they fell in love with two kid and didn't have the heart to leave them, also they won't ever separate the twins.

Dark Enchantress, 56 Years old, Sleeps with Pomegranate.

Dark Enchantress works almost all day but tries to make time for its family, she have anxiety and takes meds for it.

Pomegranate, 48 years old, Sleeps with Dark Enchantress.

Pomegranate stays at home taking care of their children, She works hard to take care of the house and still gets time to watch TV.

Licorice, 25 years old, Sleeps in Purple Yam bed and roommate with Black Raisin.

Licorice is a guy who likes to tease his siblings, but he isn't as mean as Purple Yam or Strawberry Crepe, He used to sleep on the Basement due to space issues, But changed with Affogato (will explain on Affogato session) and basically sleeps on Purple yam room because Purple Yam is always out, Licorice is a transboy and have Anorexia nervosa.

Red Velvet, 27 years old, Roommate with Dark Choco.

Red Velvet was adopted when he was a teenager, he was 15, He was put to adoption because he lost his arm and his family didn't wanted it to "ruin their image", he have a older brother but don't know him, Dark Enchantress worked hard to get him a prosthetic arm, But Strawberry Crepe stole it and changed it to look like a claw, because, Crepe words "if you like animals so much you should look like them for comfort", Red Velvet got money to fix things Crepe messed up on it but never changed the claw part, He works as a veterinarian, Pet rescuer and anything he can to take care of pets, he sometimes brings to Black Raisin job(Will see on Black Raisin part) a dog to make the kids happy, Red Velvet likes to watch movies with Dark Choco, Red Velvet have selective mutism, he can talk to all his family but only if he is alone or feels like it.

Strawberry Crepe, 14 years old, Roommate with Poison Mushroom.

Strawberry Crepe is a annoying kid, mean(They love their family but won't tell you), And a Tumblr kid, they love to do things that would make people angry on the internet, They have Autism and ADHD, They like anything computer relate, like gaming, Hacking and etc, They are intersex and Close To Male but won't let you know anything else but that, They LOVE the cult because they think the cult is cool and because they created a "cultsona", Would send you Death threats.

Poison Mushroom, 12 years old, Roommate with Strawberry Crepe.

Poison Mushroom is a kind kid, they will obey everything they are commanded to, It's dangerous to them but they never leaves the side of their family, their favorites are Strawberry Crepe and Licorice, They have a speech problem, they speak like they just learned words (because they did), and randomly their tone gets higher, thet also have a mental age delay, They are 12 but acts like 7, They have Autism and are intersex Close To Male.

Tiny context: There is a thing that the legendaries in Cookie Run Kindom are gods and after a while they make some kids in the normal world, some people don't belive some exist, other don't believe in all, you got it.

Dark Choco, 22 years old, Roommates with Red Velvet.

Dark Choco is a shy guy, Nobody know whos his father or when he appeared, He was always fat when younger, so he suffered bullying a lot, Everyone said they expect a son of a god to be stronger, so Dark Choco stopped believing in the existence of Dark Cacao, Dark Choco suffers from Depression and had did self harm before, Now he is better because his family don't hate him, even if he doubts himself, They always there, he have some problems with Purple Yam (will see on Purple Yam part) and Affogato (will see on Affogato part), but beside that everything is fine, His hobbies are plushie collecting and watching movies with Red Velvet, He loves everyone but the people he always go to talk when sad is Red Velvet and Dark Enchantress, Dark Choco hates talking about his feelings so Red Velvet and Dark Enchantress either encorages him or makes him forget the feeling.

Affogato, 24 years old, sleeps in a basement.

Affogato is basically obsessed with Dark Cacao, he was roommate with Dark Choco but because of that, He got moved to the basement, Things are weird between them until today, but to not cause conflict between family, Affogato avoid Dark Choco, He is loud about things he likes and complaining that "no nobody on that house have some fashion sense", They have NPD and insomnia.

Purple Yam, 28 years old, Roommate with Black Raisin but don't sleep a lot on the room anymore.

Purple Yam is married to a cult members, That is Milk, not officially married but they say they are, Purple Yam have extremely bad angry issues, making him be angry at Dark Choco because Milk talked about how Dark Choco look like Dark Cacao, Purple yam is alone impulsive and sometimes it get in the way of his relationships, He meet Milk because he runned away from his home angry and got lost in the woods, and as milks travels through the woods a lot he found Purple yam and took him, Purple Yam once beated the shit of a guy and took his kid(Dino Sour) because the Dad screamed at Dine Sour, Honestly Purple Yam is the last favorite children but he is still loved a lot.

Black Raisin, 32 years old, Roommate with Purple Yam and Licorice.

Black Raisin is a very caring person, She works in a orphanage with hungry kids, Red Velvet helps brings animals sometimes to make the kids happy, She trains everyday to look strong so the kids feel safer, She herself didn't had a good experience with orphanages when she was young so now she tries to make the kids have a better chance then her, She reads books at night.

Chess Choco, 12 years old, sleeps together.

Chess Choco are literally inseparable, you can try but you won't be able to, Dark Pawn is Extremely introvert and White Pawn is extremely extrovert, They are both intersex, White Pawn is extremely clingy to Black pawn, They love to read together and bother their siblings.

[jallieae]

Lore/Meta Analysis Time

So, after watching all four of today’s streams, I’m left wondering and theorizing about a few things. Mainly, why make the choice to have c!Dream fake an escape? Why not, a) go through with it, or b) leave off on c!Techno escaping back to the Syndicate HQ?

Personally, I think that the whole point was to get the audience familiarized with the protocols of what would happen if c!Dream escapes -- like what the alarm sounds like for example, as Quackity continuously brought up Sam’s alarm even outside of complaining about the volume -- that way when c!Dream does escape -- whether or not c!Techno breaks him out -- there will be doubt about it, and the audience will have context needed to make the moment more impactful.

I think it was smart to tease the escape, that way the audience knows what an actual escape will look like and that way the prison arc is pushed back into relevancy after three months of no lore. It’s a brilliant segway on the cc’s part to get things heating up again without chucking a huge escape on an audience who has been in a lore drought for so long, and it also opened up a lot of possibilities for future lore for many characters. As of right now, c!Dream’s escape might stay limited to the Las Nevadas crew, or the news might just spread to others if c!Sam keeps his word not to spill about c!Dream’s actual whereabouts, which can pull in other characters like Tommy, Ranboo, Wilbur, and hopefully also people like Niki and Eret and Sapnap who haven’t really dipped into the prison arc at all (and I know cc!Eret wanted back into lore and this could be a good opportunity!)

Bouncing off that, I think it’s super interesting that c!Dream does not want c!Quackity to know he is alive and contained. While he says he is afraid of c!Quackity killing him, I doubt that’s why. I think that c!Dream knows how to play to c!Sam’s weaknesses a lot better than he does c!Quackity. c!Quackity is much more resistant to c!Dream’s tactics, or at least better at recognizing them. He also has less weaknesses that c!Dream can exploit verbally, whereas c!Sam has made it clear that he still harnesses a lot of guilt and anger about c!Tommy and what c!Dream did to him. c!Quackity has also exploited this guilt before to manipulate c!Sam into letting him bring weapons into the prison -- it works well. With c!Sam isolated away from c!Quackity’s influence, he is much easier for c!Dream to manipulate, and he might even start falling back into his previous, more detached Warden persona, which would be even better for c!Dream. With c!Quackity out of the picture, c!Sam has succeeded in isolating himself both to c!Dream and also to the responsibility of keeping c!Dream in check. While his resilience seems strong so far, likely fueled by anger about c!Tommy, only time can tell whether or not that will hold true.

But what does c!Dream want from c!Sam in that scenario? I think it’s literally to go to the courtyard like he asked. He pitched it in a way that made it seem like he was yearning for the sun again, and he exaggerated the isolation by bringing up the other inhumane protocols of the prison like the food of choice. While c!Sam called him on his bullshit, c!Dream admitted that he didn’t think he’d end up in the cell, which I think is true. I think that he predicted he might need to get out of the prison somehow, but not that he’d end up in the maximum security cell, and that that failsafe is planted in the courtyard that c!Sam shut down because of a vague “security issue.” We also know that c!Dream left c!Techno coordinates that lead to a chest containing blueprints and a note. These are likely c!Dream’s original blueprints, as this stream it was stressed about c!Dream’s immense involvement in designing the prison. And it likely contains an escape route linked to the courtyard, or something of the other. I doubt it’d be something like a stasis chamber, as that’d be kind of lazy. Not to mention that that would also eliminate the use of actual blueprints. If c!Techno goes forward with busting c!Dream out, I think it’ll be after c!Dream whittles down c!Sam’s resilience and pleads his way into the courtyard somehow. It’s simply been teased too much both on Twitter, by c!Quackity as he tried to get out of the prison, and c!Dream himself. I’m willing to bet that c!Dream either called in his favor, or exploited c!Techno’s firm belief in absolute reciprocity in order to get c!Techno to break him out, as the favor was mentioned by either c!Sam or c!Quackity (can’t remember.)

And then let’s move onto to c!Quackity, who’s dead set on c!Dream going after Las Nevadas once he’s out. And while I have no doubt that that is one of c!Dream’s priorities -- he is very good at exploiting specific weaknesses, and he knows that c!Quackity has lost basically every home he’s ever had -- I think that c!Quackity’s paranoia was a massive red herring as to what c!Dream actually will make his first priority. cc!Sam mentioned that Logstedshire would become plot-relevant again, and c!Tommy was brought up a lot during the stream, and so I think that while the narrative may paint it in a way that seems like c!Dream and c!Quackity are going to have some sort of war (or battle, if c!Quackity’s “battle log” is any indication), I think that that is just smoke and mirrors for the actual outcome. I have no doubt that c!Tommy is definitely about to be targeted, especially as c!Sam continues to bring up c!Dream’s treatment of c!Tommy, which he can likely spin into c!Tommy’s fault for him being subject to that in the first place. This would likely drag c!Wilbur back into the mix if c!Dream goes after c!Tommy, because the whole “Dream is my hero thing” has been set up to get challenged, and without c!Tommy blantantly dropping the details of exile onto c!Wilbur, I can’t see what would be a better challenge then c!Dream literally being out and c!Wilbur having to deal with that as well. 

But yeah, this is basically my predictions as to where the SMP is going from here, at least involving Las Nevadas and the prison arc. Hopefully we’ll see many other arcs and characters get intertwined with this. It’d be a cool parallel to the end of the Disc War finale, and hopefully the Syndicate won’t erase all of the characters’ development in order to make it some epic Dream & Syndicate vs. Tommy, Las Nevadas, and etc. It would be cool though for c!Phil and c!Techno to go through with breaking c!Dream out and then regretting or seeing why they definitely shouldn’t have done that. Maybe we can even have some Bedrock Bros content since there have been tons of parallels and contrasts with c!Techno being imprisoned with c!Dream and c!Tommy being imprisoned with c!Dream (like the dog, for example. Also the motif of hope being inside of Pandora’s vault/box). Also please give us some exile arc details reveal or Dream’s mega evil plan for server control reveal (to Techno + Syndicate specifically) because I have wanted this for monthssss. c!Techno you want to realize that c!Dream literally wanted to take Carl from you soooooo bad.

TL;DR: This lore stream was epic and I think it’s a huge setup for some other major events and it also gave us so much character insight that I am actually vibrating with theory overload as I write this. 

[sword-brainrot]

Hello! For a match up: she/her - I am a semi-outgoing, fun loving lady! Lover of all things self care, like makeup, nails, perfumes, etc. I like to meditate, draw, ride rollercoasters or other rides, go on trips, wear cute things, and birdwatch! I am pretty easy to embarrass, but I try to have a brave or happy face to cover that. Fiercely loyal to those close to me, the ones that get closest I would not leave, and would defend them / do whatever I can for them any time I am able. I would be fine with any match, so long as it's not a tantou~. Thank you ☆!

I Match You With....

🌸Murakumo Gou🌸

♡  Murakumo is rather quiet and keeps to himself for the most part. I think you would be a great match to slowly start to bringing himself out of his shell. Your warmth and inviting aura will make him slowly grow to trust you and grow attached to you. Currently, he is only close to his brother Samidare. So I think he needs someone like you that will reach out your hand to him and teach him it's okay to let others in. Even if it's a slow process!

♡  Murakumo also gets pretty excitable when he trusts someone and will bounce off their energy. He can't keep it up for too long due to his stomach issues but he will have fun being able to release some of the energy that he is been keeping inside because he was afraid of others finding him annoying.

♡  You are the perfect amount of energy and calmness for him. I can see you getting him to bounce around with you but then when he isn't feeling well, you calm down the scale and relax with him. He actually really likes selfcare! Murakumo often thinks he isn't worth it but he would love it if you gave him some special treatment when you two relax. He would let you play with his very silk hair and tie it up however you like. He also paints his nails often, so you two could have quiet time together and just do each others nails. He also doesn't mind makeup! He just doesn't go for flashy colors because he doesn't want to stand out too much. The two of you would be perfect with doing each others makeup, hair, and nails.

♡  Murakumo wears comfortable but fashionable clothes. If you want to dress him up, go for it! He would let you. Murakumo might be a little shy when he comes out because he thinks he isn't worth these clothes but if it makes you happy, he will smile. If you show him a mirror and call him pretty, you will see a light blush on his cheeks and a small smile on his face for being complimented by you. He also has pretty good taste so he will offer to pick out a nice outfit for you! It most likely be pastel/warm colors because he thinks of you like the sun. Bright and kind. Also anything with flowers suits you in his eyes!

♡  Like stated before, Murakumo can't exert too much energy due to his stomach problems so he wouldn't mind learning to meditate with you. You will have to teach him but when he starts to get overwhelmed, he would use the lessons you taught him and start to breathe and calm down. When you two begin to get closer, he may actually fall asleep while meditating with you. He is finally able to feel calm and his stomach is no longer killing him, he would just start to doze off. He may accidentally fall over and lay his head on your shoulder. Hope you don't mind this lovable puppy asleep on your shoulder!

♡  Birdwatching is something he also enjoys. The two of you sitting outside as you watch the birds, maybe drinking tea if you both enjoy the taste. Don't be too surprised if you look over at Murakumo and he seems antsy while watching them. Inside, he wants to run off and play with them. He will stay seated! He knows too well his body would hurt him if he tried that and he doesn't want to ruin your birdwatching. If you want to calm down a little, start giving him facts about all the birds you two see! He will look at you in awe for your knowledge and ask you more questions.

♡  Samidare is the dog brother that loves poetry because his whole history came from it. Murakumo shares similar history but he isn't as into poetry as his brother. Instead, he actually enjoys art! He is by no means a professional artist. He really enjoys it as a hobby. He has to stay inside most of the times, so he will lay on the floor and draw to past time. Join him from time to time! Share pictures with each other. You may even run into him one day drawing the two of you holding hands with crayons. He will get very embarrassed and try to hide it. He really does like spending time with you even if sometimes he has a hard time talking! He is able to express his feelings much better through art.

♡  One thing he really can't do with you is rollercoasters. That is far too much for his sensitive stomach. As long as you two don't ride anything too fast or go upside down, he would love to go to those types of place with you. Plus he will wait for you so if you do still want to go on those rides, he will be right there when you get off. Honestly, if you want to see him be the happiest person alive, show him what cotton candy is. He will have stars in his eyes and become addicted! Get a bunch of food together! If you don't know his lore, Murakumo was actually sold in his sword life for dirt cheap. So his human form has terrible stomach aches due to being starved and bad anxiety. If you show your love through food and just being there for him, he will melt in your arms. He will hold your hand through the whole carnival. Murakumo would also love the carousels and Ferris wheels! He will get really scared when he first goes on the Ferris wheel but after you show him that it is safe and you will be right there with him, he will look out the windows with a big smile.

♡  Murakumo loves going on trips! He doesn't get out of the citadel too much but he looks sight seeing. Just make sure you remind him that you would never leave him. He has a bad fear that you are going to take him someplace and he is going to be sold for dirt cheap again. He really doesn't want to get sold and stay with you. He will never say he wants to stay with you, instead he will accept that he is a failure and if you want to sell him, you can. Make sure you grab his face and remind him that you would never sell him. You will see him tear up and hold onto your clothes as he walks behind you on the trip. He really loves you, ya know?

♡  I'm unsure how you feel about someone teasing you for getting embarrassed but from the sound of it, you try to put on a face so people don't tease you about it. Murakumo is also someone who gets embarrassed rather easily. He would never tease you about getting embarrassed. Instead he will encourage you and say, "It's okay... Sometimes that happens.. At least you didn't get too excited and chased birds only to cry when they flew away..." He knows how it feels to be made fun of when you do something on the embarrassing side and it doesn't feel good that often. He would never want to do anything that would upset you. If you do get embarrassed when you two are really close, he may grab your face in his hands and nuzzle your two noses together. "It's okay..!"

♡  Murakumo will need someone really loyal to him to date. He has some bad abandonment issues due to being sold away for nothing and having a hard life after that. He will have a hard time trusting you at first because he feels like once you realize that he is "good for nothing" (how he thinks of himself) that you will throw him away. He needs someone who is willing to remind him that he isn't going anywhere and that you want to stay in his life. Murakumo is also incredibly loyal. Once he trusts you, he gives you all that trust and never doubts you. He will defend your honor no matter what! Even if he has a really hard speaking up, he will force himself out of his shell and stand up for you.

♡  Cute little thing he will do after you two are close and start dating. If you ever leave the citadel, he will patiently await somewhere and watch the door for your return. As soon as he sees the door open and you walk in, he is chanting your name and running up to you to give you the most gentle hug you have ever received. He will say how much he missed you and nuzzle your cheeks together. His favorite person is back home and he is so happy!

[leahdarkspear]

Update

Tomorrow I begin the three-day journey back to Big Sky Country. I will be happy to get home I guess. It's not really been the vacation I expected. Warning: venting/bitching/whining under the cut.

I have been looking forward to this vacation for a while. We had an incredibly long winter so I was depressed and tired, and I wanted to go somewhere warm and visit the beach. I'd also been feeling hella lonely; I don’t have any IRL friends (not good ones that I have things in common with and hang out with) so I was excited to see my family and in-laws. I love my MIL and SIL; we always have a lot of fun together, and my sister and I get along great. Plus, I was really looking forward to escaping the drudgery of housework for a little while. I’m a terrible housekeeper and no matter what I do it seems I can’t stay on top of things, so not having to deal with that is awesome in my book. I was just really hoping to have a little fun and relax and recharge my batteries...

Well, that didn’t really happen... The vacation could have gone better. The beach was nice, but boring because I only got to go once, and that day there really weren't any waves to speak of. That in and of itself wasn’t so bad, just mildly disappointing. I live in Montana and only get to go to the beach once a year, so I’d like it to be fun.

But when I went to my MIL’s, it was like she didn’t want me there at all. It all started with my dog, an English Mastiff. I’ve always wanted a mastiff, and last summer I finally got one. She’s really a sweet loving dog, so I brought her with me so everyone could meet her. My MIL has five dogs of her own, all large breeds, she loves dogs, and she’s never had a problem with any of my dogs before. However this time it was as if she was just waiting for my dog to fuck up. And of course because she’s a puppy and still learning, she did fuck up, so my MIL accused me of being a bad owner because “she doesn’t listen.” It just really hurt because even though she’s 134 pounds, she’s a puppy. I am training her, but she doesn’t have it all down yet. It’s not fair for my MIL to expect her to behave perfectly, especially when her own dogs don’t. She also bitched at both me and my SIL about being on our phones (which we really weren’t on them all that much, tbh). She insinuated to us both that we were bad parents and spoiled our kids by rushing out and buying them everything they ask for (which we absolutely don’t do). She also got mad about weird things, like how “nobody wanted dessert,” even though I and all four of her grand kids ate dessert. She did this kind of thing to the point where my SIL and I just huddled away from her and pondered together about why she was being so crabby. I didn’t even get to take my SIL out for a girls’ night like I normally would (which she so needs because she never gets a break from the kids, and which I need as well because I have no IRL friends to do this with). Meanwhile, all the stress from her being irritable caused my chronic stomach issues to flare up, which she also bitched at me for (I took a nap on the couch instead of spending time with the family). It was honestly bad enough that I’m not sure if I want to visit her at all next time I’m in town, which makes me sad, because we’ve never had the typical “evil in-law” relationship. We’ve always gotten along great before.

My visit with my sister was nice, though shorter than I would have liked. I guess that’s the problem with living so far away. I love where I live, but I can’t help feeling sad about it.

And then there's WoW/RP. Some days I almost feel like I want to quit. You know, I started my guild when the Azazis fell apart because I wanted us to all stay together. Every week I wrote out events for us to do. I researched troll lore and came up with treasures for us to find. I tried to create story arcs for us. From the end of October up until May, we had events. I had ideas, and now... nothing. I feel like I’m completely tapped out. I started having bad bouts of depression, and in my irritability, I fucked up and drove away some guildies. Good people who made things fun. And since then more people have left for various reasons. I’m down to only three of the original seven founding members, and two of those people hardly play anymore. I know things change and life goes on, but I feel like a failure. I just wanted to keep people together. Now I’m burnt out and I don’t feel like I have the energy to rebuild, even though I have good people trying to help, trying to get the guild more exposure, networking with other established guilds on the server, etc. I want this guild to succeed, I have fun running events and being with everyone, but I just feel so drained that I’m afraid I have nothing left to give. 

And I want to RP with friends, just have Leah sit and visit with people like she used to, but it seems like everyone’s too busy for me. And I hate feeling like I do about it because I’m normally so easy-going and flexible, but lately I’ve just wanted to be with friends and no one has time for me and I just feel so alone. I feel like I’ve somehow managed to make everyone hate me all at the same time and I don’t even know what I did. (And I know that’s just my stupid depressed brain talking, but I can’t shut it up.)

To top this all off, there’s a possibility that Leah may very well be single again in the near future. Right now I’m waiting to hear back from the guy who RP’s Leah’s mate. I’ve been dying to get some one on one RP in, and I’ve been begging him for months to make time for me, which he couldn’t because of IRL responsibilities, so even though it killed me, I sat and waited. Finally I asked him again, and he admitted that because of a combination of a lack of time and interest, he didn’t know if he could commit to being my partner anymore. This isn’t set in stone, I’m still waiting on a response, but if the last few months are any indication... well, I don’t have much hope. And I’m just heartbroken over this. Our characters are great together, and Leah is so in love... I wish I could tell him... I wish I could say how completely and utterly sad I am right now... How our story is my favorite thing about RP and how much I look forward to it and how happy it makes me, but y’all, I don’t want to guilt him into doing something if his heart’s not in it. Consent and mutual enjoyment are very important to me in RP, so I can’t force him to keep this up just for my sake, even if I would give almost anything if it meant it would continue. I’m also afraid that I’ll look desperate, like some obsessive freak getting all bent out of shape about some made-up characters in a video game. And all my more level-headed friends say, “he hasn’t made up his mind, there’s still a chance, don’t worry about it until it’s final,” but my mind doesn’t work that way, and so here I sit with tears in my eyes about a fake relationship.

It really doesn’t help that all of this is happening while I’m in the middle of a depressive episode. I feel like I can’t do anything right. I feel like no one cares, that they just tolerate me to be nice. I feel like if I disappeared no one would notice. Guys, I’m drowning. Every time I get a step ahead, something comes along and pushes me back, and I just keep getting farther and farther from the shore. I’m afraid that I might reach my breaking point soon, and even that makes me feel bad. My life is not terrible. I don’t have to struggle or worry about anything really, but I can’t even cope. What the fuck is wrong with me?

[beckettsthoughts]

i looove all of the botanical asks so id really appreciate if youd answer all of them!! (or all of them that you like)

This is amazing thank you so much! Anon you are wonderful

Baby’s breath: 5 things you associate yourself with:

Crows, strong friendships, sunglasses, shortwave radios, and laughter.

Bleeding heart: What makes you heart go mushy?

@skyward-sheik, in all honesty. All of my friends have the unique ability to melt me into a puddle of warmth and happiness, but Sheik of course holds the true key to my heart.

Bell flower: What’s the title of the song that makes you want to jump around out of joy?

The Last Of The Real Ones, by Fall Out Boy

Evening primrose: What’s your sleeping playlist (Give me 5 songs)?

You know what, I’m honestly just going to give you my whole sleep playlist:

Paris, by The 1975

Those Days Are Gone & My Heart Is Breaking, by Barton Carroll

Fools Rush In, by Eliza Rickman

Stage 4 Fear of Trying, by Frnkiero And The Cellabration

Drugstore Perfume, by Gerard Way

Monkey 23, by The Kills

Rut, by The Killers

I Lied, by Electric Century

Mad Sounds, by the Artic Monkeys

Everyday, by Puggy

Sober, by Broods

Weird Honey, by Elvis Depressedly

Golden Age, by KT Tunstall

New World Towers, by Blur

Coming Down, by Halsey

Time Spent In Los Angeles, by Dawes

Killing You, by Broods

N.M.S.S, by Elvis Depressedly

Busted and Blue, by Gorillaz

Hiding Tonight, by Alex Turner

Barcelona, by George Ezra

Mad at Nothing, by Patrick Stump

Daffodil: What is one plant that you want to have but can never get?

Oh god, I’d love to have so many. More than anything, though, I’d love to have a garden big enough to have a willow tree. If I had that, I would be so incredibly, serenely happy.

Calla lily: Are you more of a sunny day or a rainy evening person?

Here, I’m a sunny day person. I don’t like leaving my flat in the rain, because it’s so hard to get back up the hill when it’s damp. I don’t like the sun so much, but I do appreciate the warmth it brings when I’m walking out and about. At home, though, I adore the rain and I love to spend stormy evenings sitting out in the conservatory so I can hear it against the roof.

Lavender: What is something that you’ve always wanted to be/have/get but can never have?

I’ve always said that in another life I’d want to be a famous singer. I made my peace with that goal a long, long time ago though. In another sense, I’d love for so many things to be different about my body. I want skinnier hips, I want nicer skin, I want a flatter chest, I want a better voice, I want a stronger heart. None of these things are changeable, but they do still haunt me. It’s hard to think about, and most days I can ignore each of them. Some days I don’t want to leave my flat because of it, but I’m trying my best to make peace with these issues as well.

Love in a mist: What is the latest dream that you remember?

Oh, not very recent. I very rarely remember my dreams, and it’s only ever the frightening ones that I can recall. The most recent, then, was actually a strange dream I had back in June. The fourteenth, to be precise. It was the day of the Grenfell Tower fire, the day of my A Level sociology exam, and I fell asleep early in the morning in my mother’s room with the news playing on the television. I won’t go into too much detail because it’s hard to explain and it’s nonsensical in that subconscious way dreams are, my brain making shortcuts and connections that shouldn’t be there. I was in a strange holiday apartment in a row of terraced white buildings, each having different colours accents and trims on the wall. My family disappeared, I couldn’t contact them, and I went to my friend in the next cottage only to find him, his mother and two foreign strangers who were clearly in distress. We tried to comfort them, spent hours with them, and slowly they calmed. My heart absolutely wrenched for them, these two strangers. I think they’d lost their families, they were running from some awful disaster, and the terror of the situation hung heavy in the air. My friend’s mother had left a while back, and then he had left as well, leaving me alone with them. Eventually, they left too. I stayed, watching the disaster on the news, until I noticed some strangers in official-looking suits inspecting each house. They were unfamiliar, detached, inherently alarming. I quickly pulled the blinds. I stayed there, in my friend’s holiday apartment, for almost two more hours. In the end, I braved the strange officials and headed outside, only to find the families of other residents, almost entirely my friends and their relatives, gathered outside and staring at this great, dark, thundering cloud that was fast descending towards us.

That’s when I woke up. I’ll be happy if I don’t remember another dream for a long, long time.

Daisy: What is your favourite flavour of cotton candy, ice cream, and juice?

My favourite flavour of ice is chocolate, although I also love caramel ice cream. My favourite type of juice is apple juice, I don’t have a strong preference between pressed or concentrate. Actually, one unpopular opinion I seem to have is that I genuinely hate orange juice? Like, I honestly can’t stand it. This tends to surprise people, for some reason.

And my favourite flavour of candy floss, is well, candy floss? I didn’t know it came in other flavours.

Painter’s palette: Are you more of a singer, dancer, painter, or instrumentalist?

Singer, for sure.

That said, I’ve tried at my hand at all of those practises throughout my life. I took dance classes several times a week from the age of three, in ballet and tap primarily but there were times when I took modern and street dance as well. Tap was my favourite by far. I quit ballet when I was about eleven, but I didn’t quit tap until I was about fourteen. In terms of painting, I took art GCSE. While painting is by far one of my least favourite art media, naturally I’ve painted quite a lot over the years. Sometimes I even enjoy it, but only if I’m working with acrylics. And in terms of being an instrumentalist, it’s undeniable that I am, by definition, one of them. I play violin, have done since the age of seven, and I also play the ukulele and marching bell. However, I am not a very good instrumentalist, hence why I chose singer. Singing is my most natural talent out of all of these, and it’s the one I enjoy the most.

Waxflower: Are you a bee or a butterfly person? A dog or a cat person?

I am a butterfly person, I used to have a strong fear of any insect that could sting me. These days I try and accept bees for their hard-working selves, but nobody could ever make me like wasps.

And, uh, I’m definitely a dog person. Even though I used to be scared of both dogs and cats, dogs win out on the basis that I’m not allergic to them. You know what, I’d love to have a borzoi some day. If I wasn’t allergic to cats I’d get an oriental shorthair, though. If you were wondering why I’m no longer scared of dogs, the answer to that question is Maya. She’s an adorable, tiny border collie cross who belongs to my amazing partner @skyward-sheik. She’s too cute to be afraid of, so I got over that fear pretty quickly after I started spending more time at his house.

Sugarbush: Do you have sweet tooth? If yes, what’s your favourite sweets? if no, why?

Uh, yeah, you could say. I’m kind of a dessert fiend.

Right now my favourite sweets are M&Ms, but Maynard’s Wine Gums, Rowntree’s Fruit Pastilles, Cadbury’s Eclairs and Barratt’s Dolly Mixture.

Sunflower: Would you like to be a fairy or a mermaid?

I’d give my heart to be a sweet little woodland pouque.

Sweet pea: What would you like to call your significant other?

Well, that’s actually a really interesting question. I haven’t talked with him about specific terminology in this regard. He’s my queerplatonic partner, which is actually really difficult to explain in shorthand, but ‘partner’ is the best abbreviation I can find. Obviously QPP works, but that acronym isn’t exactly widely known. 

Sea lavender: Can you swim? Which strokes can you do?

I can indeed swim! I grew up on an island and a mere two minute’s walk from the beach, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’d learnt to doggy paddle before I could steadily walk. I took swimming lessons throughout my early childhood, too, both in school and extracurricular. Somewhere in a box at home is a whole pile of badges for achieving my 10m, 50m, 100m, 200m, 500m, etc. I enjoy swimming front crawl the most, and though I dislike them I can also swim backstroke, breaststroke and butterfly.

I don’t get the chance to swim much anymore, though. The sea, though beneficial in the long run, is too painful for my skin to justify that minimal long-term improvement. Most chlorinated pools, while less painful in the moment, leave my skin flared, red and raised for several days after using them. There’s one leisure centre at home I can use without suffering too much ill-effect but I haven’t been there to swim in well over five years. Maybe sometime over the summer I’ll go there with my friends.

Windflower: List 5 of your favourite blogs and explain why you like them

@skyward-sheik, of course. He’s my favourite person, so of course his is my favourite blog. He reblogs a lot of cute and funny posts about video games and other things he likes, which of course makes me really happy. He also reblogs quite a lot about mental health and neurodivergence, and given you follow me you’re probably into that too.

@shark-myths, my queer writer icon, campaigner for the power of LGBT+ friendships and girls’ solidarity. Fellow Fall Out Boy deep lore analyst and encourager in the realms of both lifestyle and arts, K’s is a blog I would highly recommend. K as a person I would highly recommend, actually, and those qualities clearly translate across social media.

@honoraryplantking is a mutual of mine and a blog I love to scroll through. He’s an absolute sweetie and we have a lot of common interests between us. His blog is just a nice and positive place to be, so if you’re ever in need of a pick-me-up I’d recommend checking him out.

@strangerdarkerbetter is a fantastic neurodivergence and chronic illness activist and general person of good will. I first found Sabrina’s blog back when I was first diagnosed as autistic and they’ve been an awesome mutual and point of reference for me ever since.

I actually can’t think of a fifth that really stands out to me. Many of the blogs I check a lot are mutuals of mine, which I like because I find them relatable, I have a similar sense of humour and I like them as people. Other than those, of which there are quite a few, there’s nobody else off the top of my head who stands out as an absolute favourite.

Golden rod: Are you more of a baker or a cook?

Definitely a baker. I’m a really awful cook, executive dysfunction absolutely wrecks me as soon as I’m placed in a kitchen with nothing more than a vague recipe, but I have a lot more experience with baking and while I’m still bad at it, I can at least make a passable cake. I also way prefer desserts to making savoury meals, so that totally works in my favour.

Bloom: What is something that you would like to tell your children?

While I feel the need to clarify that I don’t actually want children, I’d probably tell them about my friends, how I met them and became close to them and how they impacted my life and wellbeing. I just think that, for a kid, it’s important to know that the friends you make in school might not be your forever friends, might not be close enough to consider family. You might be seventeen, twenty-five, you might be thirty or forty before you find them. They’re out there, I promise.

Peony: What is something that you wish your parents could’ve told you?

Honestly, I wish I’d been told more about my family. I grew up knowing nothing about an entire half of my family. I didn’t know a damn thing about my paternal family until I was about twelve or thirteen, and even now I know hardly anything about them. Not that I don’t appreciate my family’s reasons from hiding this from me, whatever they may be, but it’s hard not to feel like I was cheated out of a potentially huge part of my life and heritage. It was nothing out of the ordinary to have divorced parents, and many of my friends growing up lived in single parent families, but I was always the kid who had never even met my dad, had barely even heard his name. I didn’t even know my parents were married until I found the wedding album. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know why my paternal family was effectively kept a secret from me all this time, I don’t know why I was deprived of the chance to know a whole half of my family, not just my father but my grandparents, my half-siblings, my aunts and uncles and cousins. 

Sorry, I actually got really emotional right then. This is one of the few topics that can always bring me to tears and I can’t lie and say I’m not bitter about it. Even to know that they existed would have been better than growing up with no knowledge at all. I’m sorry, I really don’t think I can talk about this any more. 

Prairie gentian: Do you have a significant other?

I do! The ever-wonderful @skyward-sheik is my queerplatonic partner and soulmate. It’s only sixteen days until I get to go home and see him again

September flower: Are you more of a sunshine or sunset person?

Sunset. Growing up on the west coast of a small island meant I’ve always been able to appreciate beautiful ocean sunsets, and I wouldn’t trade those sights for all the tea in China.

Bird of paradise: Do you wake up early? Do you sleep early?

No, I’m pretty awful at both. I have a sleep disorder, Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder, which goes a long way to explaining why I have this problem. I actually sleep for a perfectly normal amount of time if left to my own devices, but my circadian rhythm is just a few hours off what is considered ‘normal’. I naturally fall asleep at about two in the morning, and no medications or lifestyle techniques I’ve tried have ever been able to fix this. Once I learnt more about it my family and I have learnt to work with it rather than against it, and thankfully my new university schedule really helps. I only have to wake up early one day out of the week in this current semester, which has meant that I’ve been properly rested and functioning for the first time in my life. When I was a toddler I had split sleeping and then I’ve been in school ever since with an nine o’clock start, so you can imagine how exhausted I was a lot of the time. Being able to sleep properly has been a revelation.

Marigold: What’s your favourite tea?

I don’t drink hot tea, but I tried iced tea for the first time last week and it was really nice! I went with my friends to a comic book-themed pie cafe called Piecaramba because one of my friends said they did really good iced tea. I took her up on her recommendation and ordered a glass of peach iced tea. I’m really anxious about trying new food and drinks so I was nervous, but it ended up being really nice. So I guess peach iced tea is my favourite type of tea, now.

Peruvian lily: What are the names of your pets?

As much as I would love them, I don’t actually have any pets. Though she passed away earlier, I had a beautiful little canary named Abi for a good eight years. I was already in a really rough spot at the time and losing my sweet little songbird made everything so much harder, not to mention an old bully of mine was mocking me about it online later that day. I think that might have been the same day I decided to start a new blog to get away from him, actually, because that really was the last straw. I don’t know what I would name any future pets and I certainly won’t be getting any in the near future, but I would love another pet someday.

Hyacinth: Do you name your plants?

I do! In fact, I have a whole page detailing my plant collection and their names, where applicable.

Lilac: Would you rather sleep and be cosy or hang out with your friends?

Can I not sleep and be cosy in the company of my friends? I think we both know that that’s the superior answer here.

Poppy: Do you like to dip your fries or do you like it as is?

Dry fries are kind of disgusting, so I always dip them in ketchup. 

Fun fact: a good friend of mine developed a habit in his teens of mixing together mayonnaise and tomato ketchup to create a kind of makeshift, poor man’s Marie Rose sauce so that he could dip his chips in it. That boy is either a genius or a madman.

Dandelion: Any special talent that you have?

I guess some of hobbies count, and my writing? People say I have a natural talent for writing, which I really appreciate. Those kind of comments are a wonder for my self-esteem.