#and whenever it hits 8/10 i can't think anymore and it's simultaneously frightening and deadly boring. i can't art like that. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

giantkillerjack · 4 days ago

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I love having sleep apnea and fibromyalgia because it answers the question, "But what if I could be aware of being in pain even during sleep??" Incredible work, everyone, I'm having a terrible time.

#original #diary #cpap #sleep apnea #chronic pain #chronic fatigue #fibromyalgia #fibro #i keep waking up in a panic and tearing the cpap mask off my face. idk what i did wrong. it didn't used to be so hard to keep on.#and if i fall alseep without it i have dreams about suffocating and being very sick #but i am in so much physical pain ALL THE TIME that i often can't fall asleep with the discomfort of the mask #but I don't want to fall asleep without it so I've started passing out in dangerous positions around the apartment #nearly whacking my head on shit as i fall asleep from a sitting position or else laying my upper half on the bed while i stand and then #landing hard on my knees with my full weight #i am in so much fucking pain. maybe that's gotten worse the past few months and that's why i can't handle the mask #or maybe it's congestion from winter #wearing the mask while congested makes me want to start doing heroine it feels like choking #i don't have a punch line really. i hurt without a single second of reprieve and i hurt BAD and i am scared #I'm scared it won't get any better. I'm scared it will get worse. and most of all I'm scared of seeking help from doctors #but something needs to change i cannot be living at a 7.5/10 pain level as my BASELINE #and whenever it hits 8/10 i can't think anymore and it's simultaneously frightening and deadly boring. i can't art like that.#something has to change. i hope it can anyway. the prospect of this level of pain forever is an exceedingly grim one.#like I'll fight tooth and nail to survive but hear me out what if being alive wasn't like being constantly stung by bees on my insides??#if i can keep the mask on it doesn't hurt as much the next day but christ

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