#and whenever i look back on things he posted in 2013/2014 it always confuses me

[zhujieqiong]

~

[idratherlivefreetofail]

Almost 25 years old and a brand new chapter.

Hey everyone it’s Vannessa. I just wanted to make a post because I have some good news and because I’ve thinking about some things lately and I haven’t made any posts just talking about something in a long time. 

I know I’ve been behind on Seán’s videos lately not because I don’t like him anymore or anything like that. Far from it actually! It was because Animal Crossing came out so I didn’t feel like screenshoting videos and only wanted to play that xD and the videos he was posting at the time were consistent longer videos and he was also uploading two videos a day again too. Plus because I wasn’t in the best place mental health wise at the start of this year I’ve been giving myself more breaks from making posts. I’m trying not to put a ton of pressure on myself to screenshot videos when I don’t feel like it because then this hobby of mine will start feeling like a bad job and I don’t want it to. Eventually I will catch up on the videos I promise.  But screenshoting Seán’s dumb face aside! I have some good news I wanted to share. I FINALLY got accepted by Social Security to get disability. Which means that I now officially have an income! I won’t be broke af anymore. Funny how I got accepted during a pandemic when we have to stay in the house and away from people most of the time. xD Which has been my lifestyle already these last 7 years I think? For any of you that don’t know I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Asperger’s Syndrome/Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Ever since I graduated High School in 2013 my life has been in a weird place. My anxiety which I didn’t even know I had at the time got heightened. Then because of that with the combination of just the way my brain works, dealing with the fact that how I’ve grown up isn’t normal and the pressures you feel to figure out everything about your future when you’re a teenager as well. I ended up in this very dark place where my brain couldn’t process all the irrational fears I had and my brain would just freeze whenever I tried to take any step towards my future or make a decision about my future. I couldn’t get a job because of my mental health and I didn’t want to go to college because I knew it wouldn’t be for me, I wouldn’t be able to afford it at all and I wouldn’t be able to handle the workload of it either. So at the end of my teens and pretty much all my early 20s I’ve been in this very heavy place that feels like I’m not moving forward at all. There’s been times where I got extremely depressed and pessimistic, there’s been times where I just felt hopeless about anything getting better, there’s been moments where I felt like a burden, there’s been a ton of moments where I just didn’t feel like I knew who I was anymore and many more dark moments and places. Obviously I am a disabled adult but since late 2014 I’ve been fighting to get disability or SSI so I could have an income and could make a step towards some sort of independence for myself. This process and fight has been so difficult and exhausting because it’s very stupidly hard to prove that you are disabled to the US government. There was so many times where I felt super awful about myself and extremely invalidated about my mental health because I was constantly getting denied by social security. It even got to the point where I had to go to court for it a few years ago and I got this asshole judge who didn’t even want to listen to anything I had to say and was just trying quickly write me off as someone who just hates people and is “difficult.” Which made me feel like I was crazy and that all my struggles have just been me over reacting because I just couldn’t handle being an adult. Which obviously wasn’t true but when you’re constantly getting something you’ve been struggling with invalidated over and over again it really gets under your skin after a while. It was one of the biggest reasons why I felt so depressed, lost and confused during the start of this year and most of 2019 too. I was so tired of this song and dance I’d been doing and I was so damn sick of getting denied for dumb reasons or because Social Security didn’t look at everything or even loosing some of the stuff in my case file at one point. I was sick of being in the same place with barely any change for so long. It’s been a long hard road but finally I’m out of that song and dance and I feel like I’m finally starting a brand new chapter in my life. I mean some things still feel uncertain but I feel like I’m at least taking some sort of step forward which I haven’t felt in such a long time. I don’t even know how to feel about all this at this moment.  The biggest reason I’m making this post though is because I’ve been thinking about Seán lately and how much he’s meant to me cause of some of the things he’s been talking about in some of the videos I’ve been screenshoting lately. I’ve been watching him for over 5 years now and I’ve basically known of him for all of my 20s so far. Honestly I don’t know who I’d be or where my life would be if it wasn’t for him just making me laugh, smile or think deeply about certain things. Seán inspired me to find my own strength to keep myself moving forward and to really connect back to who I feel I am deep down inside. It’s not a situation where I depend on him for happiness or anything like that. I mean more that he inspires me to best version of myself FOR myself. Somehow just by making laugh or smile or feel a little more positive it makes me realize that I’m so much stronger then I think and that I have the power deep inside myself to be the hero of my own story and to make the most out of everything I have even when things feel hopeless or uncertain. Which I could never for the life of me describe how much all that has meant to me personally. Almost every time I felt down, I felt overwhelmed, I felt awful, I felt hopeless or bad about myself. He and his videos were always there to keep me company or to give myself something to do with all the free time I had or to give me a break from everything that was bringing me down. I know that I don’t know him personally but it still felt like a friend was there. There’s so many times even now where I wish that I could talk to him and not even about all this just having a conversation about whatever and just being myself in front of him. Not being “the weird girl that screenshots his face on Tumblr” or just some random obsessive fangirl. But being a regular person and just being me, Vannessa. I remember the first interaction I had with him and it was on my 20th birthday and I made a post talking about how a video he posted that day almost made me cry and he liked it on here. Now next Monday on the 20th of April I’ll be turning 25. So many things have changed over the years for me and obviously for him too of course. I hope that we both continue to grow and change as people as we go through our lives. No matter what happens though. I’ll carry in my heart everything that Seán has ever taught me, made me realize or inspired me to do for myself.  So Seán ( @therealjacksepticeye ) if you ever see this post or read it. It might sound dumb or silly to say but. Thank you, for everything in these last 5 years. :’)

No matter how hopeless things seem everyone. Don’t ever give up on the things you want or the things you know you deserve to have in your life! Trust yourself, follow your heart and trust your intuition about the things that feel right to you. Life is unpredictable and scary but it’s also beautiful and can surprise you in positive ways that you’d never expect. Keep going no matter how hard life can be. Hang in there and don’t loose hope about the possibility of your situation getting better. :)

-Vannessa

[migleefulmoments]

Once again, ccers have labeled some of their favorite fairytale tropes as indisputable facts.

Cassie: 

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Anonymous asked:  Okay I’m trying to figure out why people believe C/C is a thing. Not saying you are wrong, I just have 0 context to go on and you seem to have an interesting outlook. Would you mind telling me the background to this? Or why people believe D is in the closet? (Also I’m curious why nobody uses their names and instead letters).

Cassie: Nonnie, that’s a tall order. There’s SO much that absolutely indicates M is a beard and CC is most definitely real (not true. There is NOTHING to prove Mia is a beard or that cc is real).  Not the least of which is the absolute adoration on D’s face whenever he looks at or talk about C. (Wait, so your biggest and best evidence is that Darren looks at Chris with love and adoration? That isn’t proof of anything except for your own bias, your Harlequin Romance ideas about love and that you don’t understand what constitutes “proof”).  I’ve never once seen him look at M that way and usually when he is forced to speak about her, he does it in an almost offhand way and I don’t think it’s EVER in a complimentary way (”Ever” was her typo. This statement is not only NOT proof of a relationship but it isn’t even untrue. The cc fandom picks and chooses the evidence that confirms their bias and proves their point. Darren has looked at Mia with love and adoration and has said sweet things to her.  He also married her which trumps all of the goo-goo eyes they imagine he’s given Chris over the years). He’s said she’s a big girl when told people were bullying her, referred to her as a ball and chain (NO he referred o himself as a “ball and chain”), and frankly, he treats her badly (NOT TRUE. If it was true I don’t understand what you guys even like about him.  A man who treats his wife badly is a dick). He’s repeatedly slammed car doors in her face, walks as far ahead of her as he can, (Both of those scenarios were to avoid paparazzi photos of them together. It’s impossible for us to understand what it is like to have people taking our picture and making up stories about us so we can't compare this behavior to our lives.) got in the car for the sham mockery and left her to fend for herself in that monstrosity she called a wedding gown to try and get into the car (Yes, that is what all grooms do.  That is why the bride has attendants), and shook her hand at one of the first big events they attended after they had supposedly been dating for over a year (This is another flat out lie. As I debunked- Mia and Darren were photographed standing together before the red carpet and he introduced her as his girlfriend to another person standing near them. See what I mean they pick and choose to prove their point even if it means lying)   Contrast that with how reverently he speaks about C and how conscious he always seemed to be when they were in public together and there’s no contest (He tells the exact same story every time. Wonder why?)  The love sick puppy with his whole face lit up like a Christmas tree appears whenever C is mentioned (What are you 12? Nobody who is over the age of 12 and mentally sound believes that puppy dog eyes are proof of a relationship).  Paying attention to background moments is important (In other words slow it down, gif it, add music, repeat lies and notice the small stuff while ignoring the big stuff and maybe you can find cc in all the proof that Darren and Mia are happily married. Hear with your eyes because you will never find cc if you don’t). you will never If you need more, I suggest going through some of the bigger CC blogs and reading them.

As to why we use their initials and not their names means it doesn’t appear when their names are searched.

Anonymous asked: Okay more questions! Didn’t M and D start dating before G/lee? During their college years too right? And I assumed it was to avoid it being searched but it it for reasons? Maybe to avoid rude fans that disagree?

Cassie: Nonnie, if you believe the current version they are spinning, they met pre G/lee, as for when they started “dating,” well, it’s changed so many times I’ve lost track. I think the latest is 2011, but I’m not sure. (There are photos o them lying on next to each other one what is clearly a date with Darren’s pre-Blaine haircut so they have been dating since early- to mid-2010)  They tried to say before G/lee, but D blew that outta the water when he said he had never been committed to anything as long as he had G/lee during one of the interviews he did near when it ended (It is not rational to throw away all of the evidence that they dated before Glee- photos, comments from Darren and MIa and from friends in exchange for one offhand comment he gave to a reporter. This is a perfect example of how the fandom uses confirmation bias t  guide their beliefs)   Honestly, if anyone can keep the ever changing timeline in order, they deserve a reward. D sure as hell can’t. (Just because Darren isn’t. sharing dates with the fandom doesn’t mean he doesn’t know. This is a silly analogy Cassie if one of your students used this type of argument, I know you would shut it down)   They went to college in different parts of the country and M is older than D. 

I could give two shits less about fans that disagree. I don’t use their names in case THEY (or D’s collection of dumbasses that make up his team) search things here (Wait, so you hide the names so that if Darren’s team can’t find it but Abby has said many times that Darren reads your blogs daily and his team does as well? They even change their plans based on what you say.  This is confusing Cassie). The “fans” that don’t agree see everything we post, as they incessantly stalk our blogs and respond directly to what we say. I stopped bothering to see what they were saying a LONG time ago. It’s always the same old crap. But hey, hope they enjoy spending all their time writing epic posts about my fandom that get three notes, maybe four (You should DEFINITELY read my blog, it would keep you from making a fool of yourself believing something that is so obviously untrue because you would see could read about how your “proof” is all untrue. I have debunked the majority of the cc lexicon and  provided evidence to back me up) 

Hi is it okay if you could tell me when WS came into C’s life as a person who’s seen more than a friend? Like when and how long before the hand holding crap. I have no motive or am trying to start any fight, I am just really curious.

Cassie: To the best of my knowledge W first appeared with C in December 2011. (Wrong December 2012) The super awkward hand holding was June 2013, on the 12th, if memory serves. (Sure, I will beleive you) The day D was confirming M as the ball and chain. Never forget that France has super strict paparazzi laws to protect celebs. Everything released has to be with approval, unless something has changed. (We have photographic proof that Chris sat on Will’s lab at Naya’s party 12/7/12. We have a pic of Will kissing Chris at Coachella 4/13. The fact that you believe it happened on “confirmation day” is only because that is what Abby repeats but it isn’t true)

Anonymous asked: Thank you for responding to my WS question, so that means the tame bearding started when C said that stuttering thing implying there’s someone on An/dy’s show. Not surprising tbh. Kinda sad CC literally had to hide from like day 1, hope they won’t have to one day.

cassie1022 answered: Nonnie, you’re exactly correct about when it started with C. He definitely didn’t mean W when he made that comment on AC’s show. It is sad that they’ve had to hide for so long, but I’m hopeful that won’t always be the case. (The Andy Cohen interview was on April 2014. How in the hell Cassie can agree that the “bearding” was tame after that interview when we have Chris on Will’s lap 12/7/12 and a kiss in April 2013 at Coachella. Darren and Mia had been dating for at least 4 years by the time Chris did this interview It’s ridiculous that you can claim that it “definitely wasn't Will” The truth is you have no insight into who Chris was speaking of and all evidence points to Will.  Stop living in your imagination).  

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Whenever i see anything m related…Anon

ajw720 Hi nonnie, I am not posting your ask because i can already see the hate coming my way, but i need to make a comment. M’s job is to beard for D, her job, for which she is compensated well. Part of that job is to hide his sexuality. And as part of it, she is supposed to enhance his public image, it is literally her job to look good on his arm and to not embarrass him. (Abby, you know that you have no proof of this and to surmise that “It is literally Mia’s job to look good on his arm and to not embarrass him” is you once again embellishing your own fabricated stories about a man and woman you know nothing about.  It’s really not healthy for you to be living this deep inside your fantasy.  You are getting too specific Your theory that Mia is simply Darren’s arm candy and nothing more proves that YOU have no idea what a feminism is). 

And frankly, aside from her deluded stans, she does the complete opposite, constantly and all the time. It is not badass to vomit on stage and boast about it.  It is not woke or feminist to have offensive, derogatory, and misogynistic themes and decor at a bar she owns and that D is publicly attached to, I would imagine it is against the CA health code to have naked women gyrating on the bar where they serve drinks. (You would imagine? Come on Abby, you're a lawyer, you know you're full of shit. They weren’t naked and people step on the bar all the time. I have never seen you rage about that. You have no understanding of what “woke’ is or what feminists believe.)    It isn’t cool to wear a boob shirt to a professional event your public partner created that is marketed as family-friendly (Are you scared of boobs Abby? You have been to Elsie and it isn’t full of 2 yo’s. Darren has a potty mouth at Elise and I’ve never seen you be upset that his mouth isn’t family-friendly)   It is completely insensitive to be mad that a young man tragically died because it interfered with her interview (This is so overblown.  That wasn’t what she was doing and it’s time you stop using this to rally your troops, it’s a low blow and it isn’ true).  It is frankly criminal in my opinion to raise money from fans and then not use it for the stated cause (another untrue “fact” you keep repeating.  The money was for the project they completed).  And I could go on all day (yes becuase you’ve made most of them up yourself).  She is harmful to his image and becomes increasingly more so every day (This is untrue- she is his wife and Darren is about to have his best professional period in the next 6 months.  I have never seen one bad work about MIa that wasn’t directly tied to the cc fandom, in other words, nobody outside the fandom dislikes Mia and she isn’t negatively impacting his image.  Their wedding was extensively written about and on several best wedding lists without one bad word about Mia which also proves she isn’t hurting his image. You have also been saying this since 2015= of it got worse every day it would be 1,825x worse than when you first mentioned it)  And any team that cared about their client would have removed him from the situation years ago.  And if they needed him to be straight, get him a beard with ambition beyond being a beard.   

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Anonymous asked: What happened with Mia, why everyone hates her? I'm new at this :(

chrisdarebashfulsmiles answered: A/non this is a long story. A lot of us tried to ignore her as much as possible for years (Bwahahahah the lack of self-image is overwhelming)  You of course already know that she’s a beard ( honestly not an opinion but a fact proven by a lot of things, public and not (NOT TRUE) - let’s talk about her living with her real bf “and D” for example) (Again I have disproved this trope, They don’t even comprehend that Ben has a live-in girlfriend and has been with her for a while now) and this wouldn’t have been a problem if she wasn’t the daughter of a powerful couple (jealous much? This wouldn’t be a problem if her parents weren't rich? WTF?)) and she was kind enough to truly love other people than herself (This trope is so untrue. Mia’s friends adore her and comment on how great she is.)   Because in that case she would have been a perfect beard and a wonderful friend for D. (It’s hilarious that she believes this is a valid argument) But unfortunately for D mostly the reality is way different (and yet Darren has never made one comment that suggests Mia is a beard, he is with Chris - in fact they have both denied they were in a relationship- or that he’s unhappy. This trope is 100% cc fabricated).

I can say to you, while suggesting to keep an eye for some posts about her here, that we have public video and post reporting how much awful she could be with D and his fans (I’m curious about this-anybody know what she is talking about?)  Or we wanna talk also about her fans? With the excuse of going full bearding following D everywhere every time ( obviously she talked about grueling work and heavy travel schedule in 2015) she and his group stole the money asked with a fundraising for a new video. And don’t forget: She’s rich AF. (Again, so jealous that her parents are rich-her parent’s money is not her money. She’s an adult. She didn’t steal the money for the video-they made the video Gorilla.  I’m going to write another post about this lie) 

Our despising is mostly related to the shit she does to D, tho.(Which the cc fandom has completely fabricated.  How would they have any info on what she. does to Darren? He’s never said one negative word about MIa) 

leka-1998 It’s been 2 years since they forced the encagement. Almost 1 year since the sham mockery and not even 1 month since everyone and their mother included it in their 2019 recap (Leka morphing into Abby.  As for posting -that is what friends and loved ones do. However, most of the “Recaps” were Top 9′s on Instagram and people don’t choose those pics, they are literally the TOP 9 liked posts of the year). And would you look at what’s happening, there are still people coming here wondering if something’s wrong.(Not a logical conclusion, they are reading your lies and then coming for answers) 

Archives here are a good place to start. Let me just say one thing. She’s mocked Cor/y’s death because an interview had to be rescheduled and she was not happy about it. She’s an all around bad person and the complete opposite of what D stands for. (And what exactly does Darren stand for? IT seems to me that he loves his wife and their life. His potty mouth and love of sex puns fit nicely with her).

Anonymous asked: Not the same anon, but for someone rich, M dresses really really badly. You would think rich people could dress themselves especially since they can actually afford a stylist lmao

chrisdarebashfulsmiles answered: I’m for the people right of choice of wear whatever they want tbh, anon (I stand for freedom of choice except if you are Mia....then I can trash everything about you).   Sometimes she is dressed by AW, sometimes by Lu/lu. The point is that most of the time she chooses the wrong dress alone because of her desire to be a ‘90 badass woman 20 years late. Something that I can understand because of my age but I also have to say that if you have to walk on a red carpet… You need to do it in the right way. She seems unable to understand this fact.(Everyone is free to be you and me except Mia who has to follow the patriarchal rules set forth by society 100 years ago: women are to be seen and not heard, should look pretty but be modest because it’s her responsibility to make sure men do not get boners when looking at her.She is supposed to wear new dresses according to Abby and they should be designer so as to look at Darren’s level. She has to look beautiful as defined by the ccers’ beauty standards or she is a labeled a bad person whom they are then free to bully).   

[alottamoney]

Lisa anon here.You are not a cynic.Two third of the army thinks whatever they see on Tv, whatever bh says is the ultimate truth. This is the most bizarre phenomenon that maybe is as close to a cult as I have seen so far.Even nature documentaries are rearranged for giving suspense and dramatic shots.But an entertainment company that makes money by dancing,singing and putting out reality content wouldn't because they made pinky promise.Okay.

Why Jungkook chose Jimin is simple.Why Jimin filled the gap that taekook apparently left out is even simpler.It is because 1. Jimin wanted to. 2. There was an opportunity for career growth. Jimin is a clout chaser.If being bff with a goat would get him to the peak, you would see everywhere "Jimin bff with goat". In early years of bts Tae was popular.He hung out with Tae.Then he was teamed with Taekook.Then from 2017 when Tae fell out of favour with bh,Jimin was with JK.A lot can be said regarding Jimin's primary goal and how it changed with each era, how his ambition changed, and it really deserves a post on its own. Him always putting bts first no matter what,ride or die,shows he can't separate himself from bts to the point that he doesn't want other members to do it too.He will stand against them if they moved against BTS.He has mentioned he cut off close friends because they were speaking bad about the member/s.In early 2018 he and JK publicly teamed up to peer pressure Tae I think because Tae was really reconsidering renewing his contract.He knew if Tae goes,JK will go too.At the outset of that year that was supposed to happen.Tae wanted to leave.No one had any major problem.But when Kookie wanted to leave that was when everyone went mental.Only Suga supported them unconditionally.The texts that only the two got.Jin mentioned Kookie would stay in his room all day in 2018 and shut himself in.Tae left the house in 2018 February.JK has lived with Tae from 2011.I think I don't need to emphasize how big of a shock that was to JK.He grasped at anything to cope.He completely changed his persona.He was on medication probably.I say this because this sudden surge of confidence,chanting this mantra of I love myself,I am happy over and over again, these were completely,and I mean completely opposite of JK up until even January 2018.Jimin actually listened to him at that time.He in the beginning helped Tae get to JK in 2016.After that due to bh interference, jimin and JK became bff more than Vmin.That period wasn't the problem.The problem started in 2018 when V realized Jimin was tending to his interest first and JK was embroiled in it.Jikook had a symbiotic relationship without knowing.

Jungkook wants Tae like he is oxygen and this is not funny.He really can't think straight if they are not close anymore.He has found a father,lover,brother,mentor everything in Tae and this dependence got a reality check when Tae moved out.He tried to fill that with Jimin's affection for a time.He really tried moving away from that emotional dependence.This is complete conjecture but I think JK spilled secrets to Jimin that he shouldn't have about Tae and taekook because that's how introverts roll.When they are close with someone that's where all their secrets go.That's why I think it's not a Jimin problem.He is an independent agent working for his goal with whatever resource is available to him.It is a jungkook problem.If Jimin is not there to listen to him, he will look for other distractions.He needs to fill up that gaping void where Tae resides during good times.

I agree taekook is not the sort to discuss.People came in too late in the fandom.Taekook have done a lot of early relationship courting behavior in 2013- 2014 when they were very young.After 2015 they were not in the stage of figuring out if they liked each other.They knew they liked each other since 2015.People are wrong when they try to find signs of liking in 2020.They are over and done with all of that now they have hit the boring phase but they keep it exciting nevertheless.

I want to mention something interesting.There is a lot of talk about how JK's stare at Tae is not special because he stares at everyone.But this is the only pair where one involved(Tae) gestures the other(JK) to look away and stop looking.This has happened multiple times.Snowwhite Tae behind the scene,before spine breaker mv shooting,in one of the US interviews with Hoseok in between.

The memories 2020 segment that I described,and the almost kissing scene should confirm to people that Jimin does things to his own end.No he is not coming in between taekook.But he was mocking Tae. Taekook cannot act that way in public.If Jimin still did that gimmick, that means it's nothing serious to him.Which is tremendously insensitive to the lgbt causes.Knowing Tae didn't like it,he raised his brow AT TAE like saying 'What are you gonna do?'.Members are going to invite him to their wedding like 'wish you could come but you are so busy don't you have that thing on that very day so unfortunate we know you will be with us in spirit bye'. No wonder they are estranged from him.And Kookie acted like my dog when she hears 'bath time'.Pretend you are not here. Jungkook is thinking he is performing the sacred duty of holding bts together.He doesn't want them to suffer because of taekook.He doesn't want members to fight.He prioritizes bts over his own relationship because he does not want to be seen selfish.But..old habits die hard. I wouldn't have paid any extra attention to that mock kissing attempt if I hadn't seen the aftermath of it in a video at least 3 or 4 months ago.Tae was really angry in that shoot.While singing he and Jimin touched head while sitting and JK came jumping and separated them.In that video it was seen as JK getting jealous of Vmin but V doesn't hide his angry face.The whole time JK was looking at Tae.In todays's dropped memories in bts, Tae ignored JK when he was trying to catch up with him on the same day.

I have seen kookie trying fanservice with members but they are not jimin.They respect Tae.They are older and don't see why they need to do these things specially when they are getting into the next phase of their life :serious relationships. You think they see Kookie and thank him for saving bts?They see a child who is desperately trying to hold onto his favourite toy even if it means destroying himself in the process.I think JK has already started seeing how respect in relationships work by observing the members relationships.You think they are gonna let Jimin climb all up on their gf while their gf act like a statue?JK in his weverse said he doesn't think about the past,his focus is always to the future.His ego wouldn't be able to cope if he did.

There are a lot of secrets within that group.They want to stay truthful but it is not what happens.Tae and bh, their relationship is key to uncovering all of the favouring that Jimin got in the successive years.In this festa he said he believed about himself "I can make my own way". Jimin's insecurity is so deep rooted, anything to cover that up. RM said in the same festa he stopped believing that people are inherently good.

You have a nice weekend.

Lisa anon,

“Cult” would be an accurate description. "Pinky promise" lol it wouldn't be so bizarre if I didn't see adults say such naïve things.

My confusion arises because I started with the assumption that Jimin didn't have an agenda. I guess if you look at it that way both BH and Jimin's own desire for visibility could have played into it but I also think Jikook did have a genuine bond, a bond that changed from the early years independent from company and shippers narratives but Jungkook's relationship with the rest remained the same from whatever we can see. That part I don't understand. I could be wrong about this but there was quite a bit of Jikook even in the earlier content so the company always had plans for them but it didn't morph into it's current form the until 2017.

May I ask why you think Tae was the only one to move out? Couldn't they all afford their own places by then? I wasn't in the fandom back then so the personality shift in Jungkook isn't as clear to me as it would be to someone who was closely watching them in real time. Interesting thing about the staring you brought up there. Anti-Taekookers have made it their mission to convince everyone that Taekook isn't special and never was. Even if they paint him as someone who ignores Tae, I am of the opinion that Jungkook can be a bit (very) intense. So, I am somewhat in agreement with the "wanting Tae like oxygen" sentiment lol. I can definitely see them disagreeing over their friends, living arrangements and loyalty to the band but none interestingly enough seems to lead them to reconsider the whole relationship thing. If you take into account their environment and the things they have to deal with daily, the only reason they lasted so long is that one or both of them really want this unless they feed off the drama of it all.

That memories 2020 Jikook clip was quite something, I'll need more time to piece it all together but yes, it looked awkward. Some things may be obvious to us but until Jungkook himself says or does something it'll just be "Taekookers making Jimin the villain of their kdrama" type responses. The new trend is to say that Tae is the one who makes Jungkook uncomfortable whenever Jungkook doesn't respond when Tae interacts with him. It's a losing battle and I'm not interested in convincing anyone if they refuse to see.

I think the accusation against Jungkook was that he increased fanservice with the other members for attention. After the 2019 scandals Jungkook seems to have this parallel image of being the black sheep of BTS, the intentions behind his actions are over-analyzed. He’s painted as this two-faced, opportunistic person who would throw anyone under the bus for his image and solo career, using his bandmates to queerbait unsuspecting fans, and so on. Jungkook doesn’t help his case the way handles certain things which makes me think he really is unaware of how the fandom perceives him or Taekook. That would explain a lot actually and it makes sense I’d probably avoid this fandom and filter content too.

I’m probably going to annoy you but I don’t take Festa content at face value either. BTS definitely have a lot to hide, I’m impressed by how they managed to stay unscathed so far. I feel we won’t get the truth from them any time  soon. They have more reasons to be careful and they’ve become too significant for Koreans to let anything happen to them. So, only a huge scandal will take them down.

You too have a nice weekend. 💜

[cliche-ish]

We made it halfway

Context: What is written here happened in the beginning of July 2020. Yes we are halfway through 2020. Guess what else happened in 2020? COVID-19 and Trump... What a time to be alive! 🙃 A week ago Trump signed an order to suspend all H1B (working) visa processing until at least the end of the year. I have two friends from high school (let’s give them fake names, April and Ann, because Parks and Rec) who are working in Pittsburgh and Boston and applying for their H1B (working) visa this year. We went to high school in Vietnam together, and all went to the US at different schools for college. I was wondering if the order was going to affect them, so I sent them a few messages on Facebook to check how they were handling this. The previous time I sent them a message to them were probably at least 1-2 years ago. They both replied and said the visa suspension did not really affect them. We all caught up with one another through messaging and decided to set up a video call on the night of July 4th (because what else was there to do this year 😅).

Saturday, July 4th, 2020 

You know how sometimes it takes a global pandemic to finally have time to catch up with your high school best friends who also live in the US but you never really had the chance to meet in person. 😅 The last time our group of friends did a video call was in 2013 or 2014. There we were again 6 years later, and we just hit if off instantly and talked non-stop for 4 hours. It was like those 6 years never existed and we were just together the day before. We talked so much our throats hurt haha. 

We talked about everything. Of course we talked about people we went to school with and how/where they are now. Most of the friends went study abroad like us. Some of them came back to Vietnam. Some of them already got married. Then we talked about how rare it was that all of us were single at the same time and looked into planning a girls’ trip haha. We talked about relationship stuff, like what we want in a partner or a relationship or whether we want to get married or have kids. We talked about the people we dated and what we have learned from our previous relationships. We talked about how our American dreams as well as our perceptions about life in the US had shifted and changed and what we wanted as the purpose of our life. Like real serious adults talk haha.  

Ann then brought up about someone from our school who went to Georgia Tech for college and committed suicide last year and how that how we all had some periods of time when we felt so lost and depressed. At that point Ann was very depressed and felt like her life was so meaningless. She said that suicide news was the wake-up call for her. So she asked her boss to give her a month off, and headed back to Vietnam and saw her family earlier this year in February (when COVID-19 was mustering and looming). When she came back to the US, she felt better and started looking for a new job. She landed one with Microsoft. (Yes girl!!) She told us the same stories of a few of our friends from middle school and high school who also had some periods where they felt so lost and depressed during their time living far away from family and friends in a new country and culture. April told us about her “sad period” and how becoming religious helped her find a way out. I talked about the time I lost my Grandma and how I sought out to therapy. (I promise to myself that I’ll normalize talking about mental health issues and therapy from now on, because not talking about them inevitably keeps them a taboo, when they are not.) We all coped differently. Luckily, we all actively found our ways to recover and felt better and was living our lives in the US when we had this conversation. But this path of being an international student that we chose is not always easy and not for everyone. Perhaps it could have helped if we’d known about each other’s difficult experience and shared with our friends who were also going through similar hardship. If there are any people that can understand, it’s them. So my friends and I, we made a pact that whenever one of us feels down and goes through any emotional or mental challenges ever again, we will let the others know.

The clock hit 1:45 am, and I suggested we call if a day. Ann, being Ann, asked if we could take a photo together and posted on Facebook, so we would be reminded years from now about this reunion. So I offered to take the photo, took it, sent it to them right away, and asked if the picture was okay. Ann said it looked good. She made a silly, cute pose with both her hands in a peace sign held high next to her face. April was like, “Yeah, it’s okay! Actually, hehe, can we take it again? I don’t look so good.” And I said, “Of course!”. April replied, “Yayyy hihi, thanks!” or something like that. I took it again, and this time everyone was happy. Then Ann made a comment, “Wow this is just like high school. April is still the awkward, shy baby, and [Me] is still the caring mom of the group.” And Ann is still the silly, hilarious one (you can tell based on her pose). It was just funny and interesting to see how we had changed and matured so much in the past years, and yet we were still the same people in high school. 

Plot twist - Monday, July 7th, 2020

Like any day this year now, something shocking just happened today. While I can imagine Ann and April got quite some messages asking if the new order affected their working visa, 3 days later, it was my turn. This evening, a federal order was issued, saying that all students who attend schools decide to conduct 100% online classes in the Fall due to COVID-19 are mandated to leave the US or risk getting deported. I am currently on a student visa, which is affected by this order. My phone was flooded with messages from friends checking on me. Oh how the table has turned LOL.

This order came out right after Harvard announced they were doing entirely virtual classes for the Fall. The government wanted schools to stay open despite the pandemic ravaging the whole country and was afraid schools would follow Harvard’s move. Harvard, you freaked out the government, and played us all. But you sued the gov for this order, so we forgive you. 😂 When this order was released tonight, all hell broke loose for the international student community on social media. I can imagine the administration of all universities in the country are feeling the same shock, confusion, and dread.

My first reaction when I saw this was ironically to laugh. I just laughed. I have been laughing a lot lately at some of all the ridiculous things the President said or some of the bad news coming my way. Remember that time when he said he had been taking hydroxycloroquine for preventing COVID-19. Or when he suggested injecting disinfectants to kill the virus. And we also saw how that statement turned the whole country upside down. The White House, CDC, and all disinfectant companies was racing to issue statement against his advice and deal with the consequences that night and the next morning. I mean I must admit there was a little part of that that was funny, right? All of that can be great materials for a new episode on VEEP lol. So yeah, I laughed. Ironic laughs, but laughs nonetheless. I don’t know why I laughed. Maybe those things I heard were to absurd and ridiculous. Maybe I’ve gone crazy during this strange time. Maybe this is the new resort that my newly updated brain automatically seeks out to when I hear news like this. Aaah what a time to be alive! 😂 (If my life has an emoji, it is definitely this laugh cry emoji. 😂)

I told my friends I don’t know how this was going to play out for my case, but at this point, I honestly just feel fine. It’s not that I don’t care. I just feel fine. I’ve worked hard and tried my best to do all that I can to maximize my chance of getting a job here in the US and fulfill my goals and dreams. Anything else is out of my control. So whatever comes my way, I will cope with it and figure it up. I feel like at this point I have been through enough to know I can deal with anything and everything will be alright. Knowing who and how I am as a person now, I just know I will survive and thrive anywhere life takes me. 😁 So yeah, I laughed and I feel fine. I’d not be surprised if tomorrow I wake up to another one like this. I mean it’s 2020. Why not? 😂

And it truly feels fine. Probably because I know no matter what happens there is always hope and wonderful people in my life and in this world standing with me on my side. 😊

Update on Thursday, July 9th, 2020, 3 days after the issuance of the above order.

My university has been sending out emails every day to assure us international students that the university disagrees with the order and is doing everything they can to protect its international students and create a safe and viable environment for us to continue pursuing our education here in the US. My friends from all over the country reached out and checked on me to see if I would be affected by this order. Many of my American friends and colleagues have been speaking out and taking actions against this order. It’s not their fight, yet they chose to participate anyway and stand by the side of us international students. The amount of support that I have seen and received has been tremendous, and I am beyond grateful. My heart is so full.  

All of this is truly a reminder for me to just care about others and choose to fight those battles not for me but for others. This is a fight against us international students, yet we are joined by people who are not affected by this incident at all. I want to remember how empowered and supported this has made me feel during the past few days by recording it here. There are a lot going on right now in the world and this country. A lot of different people are under attack, like Black people and the LGBTQ+ community. I am not one of them. I am not under those attacks. But when I am under one, people who are not affected choose to fight for and with me, because it is the right thing to do. And so I want to choose to fight those battles that are not mine and stand with others when it is the right thing to do.

[planetinpoetry]

I wrote this letter somewhere in 2014. We call each other friend. Since we exchange stories most of the time when we were in college, I took this chance to tell you how I feel.It was a success. But the feeling is not mutual.

But I’m very happy for you… You raised the bar so high for my standards. I’m posting this just because I want to share how I met my first love.

HEY FRIEND 

To the boy I never thought I would meet, you are exceptional, incredible, and adorable. Your smile is the best smile I’ve ever seen.

The first time we talked, I already felt something inside me, whatever you think it is, it grows, and it did.

I remember the time when we use to spend the night talking through this social media medium. What you only know maybe is that I was just using my free time for you, but no, those nights were meant for you. I go online for you. I will never get tired of listening to your thoughts, to your ideas, to what you feel whether it is about a current event in school or to someone from the past, or to the girl you like that time.

Whenever you share negative things about yourself, do you have any idea how worried I am? I wanted to jump out to my desktop and hug you. I wanted to ease the pain you feel, the fear you try to hide and to tell you that I believe in you purely.

I write but not that good as yours. Whenever I read those beautiful creations, my admiration to you goes further, farther than what I expected. You describe yourself crazy. Crazy to everything. You’re crazy about your melody. I wanted to tell you forget her, she doesn’t worth it anymore, but how can I tell to someone whose love is undeniable like mine.

You always thought your existence doesn’t matter, no Friend I appreciate your existence. I thank God that He made you, He made you that way. Don’t doubt yourself because you have everything. You might argue to what I said but believe me that is what you are. You are too close to perfection. Too close that nobody can reach you anymore, even me, I’ve tried but I failed.

I thank the school year 2013 because I’ve met you. The second guy who makes me floats every time. I bet you do not know this because you’re too busy looking to another side. Your eyes just focus to the things you choose to see. I sometimes feel you avoid me and I admit I get hurt, but what can I do? I am not beautiful enough to catch your attention, my name is common and it’s out of your basis for attraction.

I missed you and frankly I miss you now. I sometimes blame this technology called internet, why I cannot talk to you same way we used to talked before. I miss your humor, your mood swings and your laugh. You noticed that I always make fun of your laugh, for you it’s making fun of it but no I was just happy to see you happy. I wish you happiness and freedom to your so called darkness, Friend you are beyond what you think.

I heard you are going to erase the wonderful novel you’ve work hard for so long. Maybe you’re not contented to satisfy your own self, but for me it is not that story line that complicates the whole thing, it’s you, the author who is confuse of what is he going to do. I have no idea what you’re going through though I wanted to know but you said it was a long story and that means I do not have any right to force you to tell me. Please try, try to finish it, you once consulted me the names you should use and asked me if I think your novel will be publish soon? Again I heard the doubts again from you, I wanted to say yes and yes but I doubt also if you’re going to believe me.  I quite know how you think.

I can never be the person you wanted to be with at your side through highs and lows. I might be the last one on your list, or worse I would never part of it. God knows how I wish I am the first one you will call each time you feel scared. Wishing a term for asking the Man from above of the things you wanted to happen in your life. But for me, wishing is not about yourself it is about the other half’s sake.

I also realize that you never got to chance to know me the way I did to you. I’m always the listener and you are the speaker.

It is through writing why I got attached to you; you are damn hopeless romantic. That reason you caught my attention. You are one of a kind. I admire you since the first day we talked. I always ask God to take care of you every time. To make you feel His love. How I wish you appreciate yourself the way I do. I know you are not going to admire me back or at least appreciate me, it’s never going to happen and I accepted it. But if there’s one thing you’ve given me, I think you have no idea that you did; the feeling of unconditional love. I always dreamed of having this then you came and I already know how exactly it is.

Loving someone, not thinking of your own self, loving him from behind, loving him without his knowledge.

Loving him means embracing the truth that’s he’s not going to love me back. We’re friends and I think we will just end that way. I want to take care of our friendship the only relationship we had and we can have.

We are friends for a year now I guess. Looking back I thank you for making me feel this way. God granted my wish to finally feel this.

I am sorry for surprising you. Calling out, calling again Someone’s here labeled “Friend” Losing faith is just a state Living Is a Fun Entertainment

I assumed before that I was the one you’re referring to, but I’ve come to realize that I was just too dreamy for a good to be true granted wish but that’s fine Rjay, it’s fine my friend.

I wish you can write me back, but I don’t expect anything. This is just way of confessing and admitting to you. You might treat me differently after reading this well it’s your choice if you’re going to avoid me, it is easy right? I’ll be hurt but I’m going to be fine. I will my dear Friend.

(Please read this again while listening to the song Diary)

[borntoslay]

I MEANT TO WRITE + POST THIS IN SEPTEMBER 2016 SO IT WOULD BE A YEARLY CHECK-IN, SINCE THE LAST ONE I DID WAS SEPTEMBER 2015, AND THE ONE BEFORE THAT WAS SEPTEMBER 2014... BUT I WAS REALLY BUSY SO HEAr we go:

When we last left off (September 2015), I had JUST starting my 4th album, “Better,” written in the wake of realizing I had fallen into depression again! I was scared and confused, but above all else, I was MAD that this was happening AGAIN. It seemed like literally every single year around the same time, I would always just accidentally slip into a minor-moderate depression, and have to spend the rest of the year clawing my way out... (it was only in late 2016 that I realized it is probably SEASONAL depression... like... DUH...)

Enter “Better,” an album literally written to pull me out!

(disclaimer: again, not a singer, just someone who writes songs as a hobby + likes to sInG LOL! Bolded lyrics are the ones that are featured in the following video)

00:00 – BETTER

00:53 – BLOOM

01:53 – MASC 4 MASC

 / / / / – BRAVO

03:51 – Y.A.S. (YOU AIN'T SHIT)

05:02 – WITH YOU

 / / / / – #TOOMUCH

05:59 – I'M OVER IT

07:50 – GET OFF YOUR PHONE, BITCH!

10:58 – I'M NOT THE ONE

BETTER

The first track, Better, was done in like, 20 minutes, the very first night I realized what was happening back in August 2015. I already posted the full thing that week, but I’ve included the best bits in the above video.

Based off of Bleachers’ I Wanna Get Better, obviously

It’s been day-in, day-out, another drama I’ve been hiding out under the covers Let it go, professional, you’re flexible, incredible, and unforgettable I haven’t been on the weather lately As people go, and the times are changing And I don’t feel like a winner (I wanna get better!) / But it’s such a pain, when it’s all been stuck the same And my fears are rising, but still, I try not to let them get to me / Guess when depression’s in question I just invest in expression Turn heartache into a lesson It’s your discretion to say: I WANNA GET BETTER!

BLOOM

This song was written the same week in August 2015 after having recently reconnected with several people I had met back in 2011; 3 of which had all, separately, told me things along the lines of “I can see you are BLOSSOMING!” and “You really are BLOOMING!”

I’ve always known that I do take a little more time than others to do most things, but it was during that month that I really started to realize that I am a late-bloomer—and that’s ok!

BLOOM was based off of a K-pop song some of y’all may know. I don’t listen to K-pop because I don’t understand any of it, so I tried my hand at writing over this fun instrumental. What I like to do is pull instrumentals of moderately popular songs I’ve never heard before, write my own lyrics + melody over it, and then when I’m finally done with mine, I give the “real” version a listen. In some cases, I feel I have outdone the original, but in this case, I think the original was way better, even without being able to understand it! LOL But I also like what I did with it, too.

My roots have always been a little too sheltered, It didn’t matter if the rain ever came. Not always Great, but I was born Alexander, Wondering how I would live up to my name

And though it took a little while, people compliment my smile and the things that’d get me labeled as “strange” So now I’m planted and a little self-centered with barely any room to re-renovate

Cuz when I do, all of you will direct me to Some other thing I’m not winning Say what you may, but I’m Born To Slay Impossibly From beginning, to the end, But I guess that I missed why You dismissed my assistance’swhy Deep inside me wants to try be Something shiny and now I’m ready to bloom

Don’t assume  I’m too stubborn for this cuz I’m Not a prude,  I just Never Been Kissed and I never knew what the hell I was missing

Combined with why I wanna try To find a guy To enterprise A YOLO mentality So I can gro-ow substatially I know my show’s been a tragedy Cuz I was just a little late to bloom

Don’t get stressed about it, just aim to try Plant the seeds and weed Parasites And set your sights higher Remain inspired Let the spotlight ignite your desires

And rise from the soil Cuz you’re in control Just follow your dreams And reap what you sow

/

I just tried it A little too slowly And I’ll be The first to admit I’m still growing

Nobody can take what you’re taking the time to Outwardly reshape what’s mistaken inside you So don’t hesitate when your greatness is valued And don’t let a date, or a lack thereof undo your bloom

/

Some things are better faster And others take longer to master In which case it’s better late than never So do whatever it takes to be Better

MASC 4 MASC

This is one of the only songs I have ever publicly posted in full, during the week I wrote it. This song literally just CAME to me the week I joined Tinder/Grindr, as I hopelessly scrolled through all of the depressingly bleak profiles and saw the amount of self-hate everyone seemed to have while still managing to like themselves enough to be looking for hookups with strangers. I laid down to take a nap and within the first 15 seconds of lying down, I just heard a lingering voice in my head say “Looking.... Are you looking...?” Shot my ass up, wrote + recorded the whole song in about an hour, and posted it.

Based on C2C,  O B V I O U S L Y !

I’ve changed some of it since that post, and most of those changes are in the above video.

Looking Are you looking Looking out to find a dick to fill your ass? While excluding any asians, fems, or fats Cuz you’re limited to looking Masc4masc

Looking I am looking But I never seem to get a second glance Every gay man never seems to take a chance Cuz they’re limited to looking Masc4masc

Oh, I love my Lady Gaga You could say that I’m a stan But that always seems to stop ‘em when they’re looking masc4masc

And I’m not into straight-acting Cuz I’m proud of who I am But my sisters know that cis-men only look for masc for masc

I’m a catch Too bad you won’t ever see What it’s like to be With someone like me

Cuz you’re Looking Yeah, you’re looking Only looking cuz you’re tired of your hand But you’ll never find “The One” in “one night stand” Cuz you’re limited to looking Masc 4 Masc

Picky You’re so picky Use your preferences to mask your prejudice You want a guy to come around And you get mad when you don’t find ‘im

But we all know That you were never really looking for anything other than a reflection fitting your narrow mind

It’s a shame You’re gay but you’ll never try Try dating outside of muscled and white

Cuz you’re looking Yeah, you’re looking Looking out to find a dick to fill your ass But you’ll never really find your happiness

Cuz you’re hypocritical and Self-hating and fuckin’ Limited to looking Masc 4 Masc

You’re the bottom I’m not into Fucking around with the Shallow ass that you got #Thot

BRAVO

Thanks to Tinder, I had my VERY first date EVER (at age 23!) back in November 2015 with a very nice gentleman who was ALSO an artist, and mutually supportive of ALL of my art forms—my digital painting, my traditional painting, even painting my face! We had a sweet dinner, and then... I never heard from him again!

Bravo was, in some ways, referencing Applause, in the idea that although I would have loved to be with him, I did not need his support (or, “bravo”) if he didn’t want to be with me. (His name also rhymed with the word “bravo” lol). I Will Survive is also referenced because... duh!

I didn’t include a snippet in the video because it’s obviously a really personal song, so the personal meaning is MUCH stronger than the execution LOL

Guess I’m never certain who wants to curtain-pull As my bravo  [meaning, who wants to be there for me at the end] My ******o [his name]

/

At first I was afraid, it took all of me To realize I would still survive without your artistry I could Paint The Night Away, standing tall without a change And I grew strong, ‘cause you won’t get to me today!

/

Yeah, you’re an actor; you made me believe That you would want a girl who keeps her heart on her sleeve But I’m a master of making them leave; The only thing you got away with’s carrying out my routine

/

I’m lonely, but like a flower bouquet I’d rather not be picked at all if I’ll just wither away

/

One second I’ll be waiting, suddenly the weight is me I don’t need you in my heart, And I do not need ****i [his nickname]

Y.A.S. (You Ain’t Shit)

(Created on one of my go-to beat-maker’s beats!)

Post-2013, my goal with writing my music has never been to write a “hit” or anything super commercial or anything for anyone else to consume (especially since I stopped posting + sharing my music altogether, so anything I write is literally JUST for me!)... however, after I came up with this title, this song was to be my MOMENT.

The first verse plays off the mythology of the “YAS,” with Gaga being clamored by the paparazzi and her screaming fans, being a metaphor for all my photos and the attention I was getting on social media from a guy I was talking to and had plans to date almost weekly between September 2015 and December 2015, but never did. As the song goes, I didn’t feel like he was reciprocating the thoughts + feelings I had for him, (“so there goes that potential date”) but whenever I would post something on Instagram, he would like it IMMEDIATELY, and then literally go all the way back YEARS into my posts, and start liking all of my old selfies, my old artwork, EVERYTHING. “When I’m Instagramming, you spam me, and we never even met yet.”

The line about “receipts” is about me screencapping every piece of dialogue I have and sending it to my hunties to help me figure out if this guy even liked me! The line “On to the next one” was told to me when one of those friends saw the receipts and really didn’t think that this guy was interested (and he was right! We’ll get to this part of the story later...)

Cameras are flashin’ And I can’t imagine It any other way I’m not into fashion But I’m so obsessed with You looking in my way

And I’m like, Buzz-buzz, ho! [I used to say this as I was waiting for Grindr messages] Hey, don’t you know I’m tired of getting old alone And I just wanna find a man Who really understands

And I don’t feel that reciprocation So there goes that potential date but When I’m Instagramming You spam me And we’ve never even met yet (YAS)

You Ain’t Shit You’ll never get with this You’re such a tragedy, And the gravity of the sit. is in The way your basic ass Is making me swipe left You ain’t shit On to the next one

You Ain’t Shit You’ll never be victorious Just a B.S. masterpiece But I’m pulling at your seams and You’re even less than what you seem

I know ur trying hard 2 Outshine me, but I’m a star U R an asteroid and coming forth [he is to be a huge part of my life] But I glow in the dark [but I’ll always be special with or without him]

U can’t stand next 2 me, U C, I Can’t keep sending these receipts, Y can’t U text me W/o the sexting [not about him, but about Tinder/Grindr in general] Ur making me wanna scream

(Y.A.S.!)

/

I always think that you’re the one But just as quickly as it comes You Ain’t Shit On to the next one

WITH YOU

I wrote this in November of 2015, and it’s one of the most personal + vulnerable things I’ve ever created. I think this song is the absolute hardest to listen to of anything I’ve ever written because whenever I hear it, I almost immediately fall right into the mindset I had while writing it. It’s about trying your hardest to see a really powerful friendship through, while realizing that as you’ve been trying to help him be “happy again,” you yourself aren’t very happy anymore, either.

/

Hey Don’t cry I know that you don’t need me in your life

But I’ll stay Cuz I Know you’re scared to know you’re always on my mind

And I’m gonna live like this forever Or at least until you’re Better

Cuz when I’m with you I can see the sadness in your eyes But you smile when I smile So it’s nice to know that you’re fine again

When I’m with you I can feel the colors all around And I miss the way it used to be Cuz I’m dying to be happy again

#TOOMUCH

You keep me close, then you let me go, Say you need me then treat me like garbage But I’m not your bitch, And I’m sick of picking up and paying for empty luggage

I’M OVER IT

This song ended up being what Y.A.S. was supposed to be: it’s fun, it’s written well, and as if that wasn’t enough, I also produced the entire thing! It’s a song collectively about all 4 of the guys I went on dates with or even seriously talked to between late 2015–early 2016, but was specifically written about 2 dates I had in particular in January 2016...

Because I’m a FREAK, I literally record all of my first dates (in the event that that person ends up being THE ONE, so I could play it back at our 25-year vow renewal ceremony... Also because I just have a bad memory and wanted to take notes like in class LOL. So basically, less than mid-way through both of these January 2016 dates, while the other guy was preoccupied or in a different room, I mumbled into my phone “... yeah........ i’m over it............................” In fact, after the date with the Y.A.S. guy, I got in my car and recorded what became the chorus to this song.

All the clips in the above video are of me before all 4 of my first dates; the 5th one is of the only SECOND date I went on LOL! More on him in the next album...

You watch me as I’m walkin’ on by And I scream, but I keep it inside I’m sweet and a creeper, a bonafide keeper And you’re really lookin’ my type

I bite my lip as I’m writin’ to ya And sweat when I try to pursue ya But my first dates never leave the home plate So I’m safe not trying to reproduce

You can seduce me a little if you want I’m a little iffy but Not afraid to get what I want And you’re the one I want Like Travolta And I can play the part Like a Mozart

So I make the most of our time You got me at my prime As you rolled out of bed Looking lazy

Said you wanna do it again I said maybe, But in my head, I’m like, “baby, you’re crazy, ‘cause I said—

Ooh, I’m over it Not interested and Ooh, I can’t pretend You’re not overplayed and Ooh, you’re overrated But I can’t complain Cuz you ain’t worth the time of day I’m over it and on my way

You said you wanna meet up But don’t put your feet up yet Don’t get comfortable Fake ham, fake cheese, so Lunchable  And I ain’t fighting, don’t want your bull [I LOVE THESE LINES]

But irresponsibly, I agree to meet you And when the day comes you’re silent You can apologize But you’re wasting your time It’s already been decided I guess Ooh, I’m over it

/

Baby baby I’m over it now Took time but I came to find you’re subar And I’m sobering down No crying when I say goodbye, cuz it’s over

You’re overrated I can’t complain Cuz you never meant a thing to me I’m racking my brain Cuz I can’t believe that I Even bothered trying to meet you

'Cause baby you had your chance, But you blew it I won’t second-guess Cuz I knew it I decided while driving in on the first date You weren’t great And I coped with it

So I bit my tongue Tried to have fun But you weren’t the one And I moved on Don’t need YOU What u gon DO When you send a text but I’m over it, BOO?

GET OFF YOUR PHONE, BITCH!

I also produced this entire song myself, though some of it it sounded a lot like You Know I’m No Good by Amy Winehouse, so I make reference to it in the end.

Parts of this song are about a particular person + incidents I had with him, but for the most part, it’s about a lot of people and situations in general. For example, one of my dates was on his phone for work. Understandable. One of my dates was on his phone scrolling through Instagram while I was talking. Not so understandable. When I’m talking to a friend in the car, I don’t even touch my phone. When I’m at dinner with friends or lunch with coworkers, I ALWAYS put my phone away. Scrolling through social media when someone is right next to you is insulting! So much so that I wrote a fucking song about it.

Hey You called about way too late I’m finally unafraid To say that I’m already home right now, so go figure it out

I’m not made To wait on your ass all day I’m free of that brown nose stain

I know it’s not my duty I’m putting down my phone like I’m about to watch a movie

It’s not OK When you are LOOKING At someone’s PHOTOS For that like BUTTON A millennial cliché And you aren’t even listening to me,

Look at ME And how you never answer ME If you’re always on your phone?

I can see it so hell, I assume you know well And you’re ready for what Imma say, OK:

Get off your phone, bitch! Listen when I'm talking I'm calling you out I know it isn’t that impossible following Conversation I’ve been patient I’ve been feeling alone Cuz you’re always on your Fucking phone, bitch! Introversion ain’t that cute I know you manage Speaking and I ain’t that stupid And you know it Don’t condone it So fucking press Log Out And put that finger down Get off your phone bitch

I’m not waiting for that SMS And I guess that The best you got Ain’t a lot No question

I rest on pretty You awake and trying And in a video I stay outshining And in a room Crowded front to back Side to side I do make the room light up systemizingly-so I said it before I’m Born To Slay, what’chu here for?

Information age is the present And I get it, and know it won’t change And I’m hesitant to let it You wanna look at screens? You can FaceTime You wanna be with me? You can make time You wanna be with me? Put your phone down I’ll give you the third degree if I’m snowed out

Fuck that misty eye Kiss that bitch goodbye I got bigger fish to fry

I said, I’m all for being cheesy But I'm lactose intolerant When the girls I be following Share their lives like an ottoman Sectionally displaying [an ottoman is a couch that can be displayed in sections] Whether the moment's a monument Blowing smoke up their confidence While my belly is bubbling

I don't like being hollered at If I'm just gonna be ignored 'Cause trust me, you need it more Like that hat you can't afford I'm an image of an winner, while you're out trynna score But you're boring, baby I don't wanna play anymore

/

Met you outside, by my parking stall You start your phone up as I start my car I said “What did you do at work today?” And wait in silence as you scroll away...

So I confess like a pretzel, [this is an inside joke] I think, “I can’t believe you’re an asshole” By the time I take you home, I’m pressed as hell, only heaven knows—

I don’t give a fuck ‘Bout your busted shoe I told you get off your phone, bitch And now, I’m off of you

I’M NOT THE ONE

Continuing my exercise of writing over songs/verses I felt were badly written, I wrote over the first verse of Meghan “you really think I can be replaced, nah, I’m come from outerspace” Trainor’s Lips Are Moving, and this is, I think, the best verse I have ever written! It’s sassy, it’s concise, and it’s catchy as HELL!

This is about all the guys on the dating apps that you thought had potential, but, for whatever reason, end up not responding to your messages until they’re bored/horny again.

The title, “I’m not the one” goes both ways, in Alyssa’s context, I’m saying “you pissed off the wrong bitch,” but in my own context, I’m saying that as these guys aren’t made for me, I, too, am not “the one.”

I seen that read receipt and I know That you ain’t meant for me Survival of the fittest In the Guinness book you’re best at being the biggest douche and I guess that

You f-ed it up: RuPaul Cuz when you’re alone you call

But I don’t fuck with you Had enough And you ain’t enough to get off to

Thought you could be the one I wanted to care for That I’d try to be there for, however I’m kinda getting tired of your piles of bullshit And I don’t need you, so, whatever

I’m getting tired Of all your bullshit Tell me, do you think I’m dumb?

Down to the wire, You’re fucking useless Don’t you try to try me I’m not the one!

Get out my face! Get off your dashboard Done with all your messing around

I said I’m tired Of all your bullshit Baby baby, I’m not the one/

You’re fucking stupid You’re fucking useless Sick of your bullshit And I’m tired, tired, tired, baby

Honey honey, I don’t think you wanna try me I think you’re bound to find me unpleasant Oh no no no, there is no way you could ever satisfy me I’m grown and you’re so pre-pubescent

You’re such a little fuckb0i And I think I’ve had enough, I wannaToss you in the garbage disposer If you chase me imma mace you I wanna just erase you But not till you get full disclosure:

I said I’m tired Of all your bullshit (repeat)

/

Maybe you just aren’t the right one.

This is the closing piece to this album, which started and ended when I started and finished dating/trying dating apps for the first time (September 2015–August 2016). It was a fucking WEIRD time in my life! LOL Not my GREATEST album, but I like it, and there are a lot of things that I’ve learned from it. One day I’ll tell the story about the worst date in my life because I learned more from that one meeting than I have in the last 6 years! LOL

Anyway, I’m just 2 songs away from finishing my NEXT album, which has tentatively been called “SNAP.” All my “albums” have 10 tracks each, and just consist of songs written during that 1-year period. This next album is, as of right now, my favorite! I can’t wait to share Son of a Bitch and Just a Little Piece of Garbage with you guys... I think they’re both in the top 10 of the best songs I’ve ever written!!!!!

To give you an idea of how things are going so far (in comparison to my own work):

Born to Slay (February–May 2013) – 1/5 Delusional (June 2013–April 2014) – 2/5 Intelligent & Beautiful (May 2014–July 2015) – 4.5/5 Better (August 2015–September 2016) – 4/5 SNAP (August 2016–present) – 4.5/5

[beardcore-blog]

Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus Review

This review will have all the spoilers. You’ve been warned.

It was either late 2013 or early 2014. Good times. I was messing around on Youtube one day looking at videos of the latest Batman game. Then in the recommended videos I saw something that both confused and intrigued me. The thumbnail was the iconic image of Niel Armstrong saluting the American flag he just planted on the moon. Except there were a couple differences. Twisted, terrifying differences. The American flag was replaced with the banner of Nazi Germany. And Niel was Seig Heil’ing to it. I’m pretty sure I let out an audible "what the fuck?" apon seeing this. This was the E3 trailer for Wolfenstein: The New Order. For those who don’t know, Wolfenstein is one of the oldest franchises in gaming, and put FPS games on the map. A goofy game about shooting Nazis in WWII that gave 90s gamers the chance to shoot the hell out of Mecha-Hitler. Think of it as a prototype to the more infamous Doom series that would launch shorty after. The New Order was a modern-day reboot with some ambitious questions. The biggest one being "what if they won instead?" The New Order takes you to an alternate 1960 where the Nazis beat the allied forces to the nuke (among other advanced tech) and thus took over the world. It was grim. It was campy. It was subtle. It was loud. It was dumb. And it was also much smarter and more engaging than anyone would’ve thought. So it went on to be a smash hit in 2014, and one of my favorite games ever. A few months ago to the day this is being posted, Bethesda stopped by E3 and showed the world it was sequel time, showing off Wolfenstein 2 The New Colossus (Actually like the 3rd or 5th in the series) to the world. The next day I preordered the hell out of it. Was it worth it? Well after 10 days of tearing through it, lemme tell you.

So I’ll start off with things I didn’t like, get the negativity out of the way. It’s not a big list but I think what on it is valid. In The New Order, which I shall now abbreviate as TNO, in nearly all sections you could either go in fast and loud, putting holes in everything that moves with dual automatic shotguns and a big laser cannon. Or you could be a bit more stealthy about things, sneaking through vents and corridors putting knives in throats and taking care of problematic enemies from afar with a suppressed pistol (which might I mention was one of the things I loved about the TNO; keeping the pistol relevant and not just a forgettable starter weapon like most shooters). It was all about personal play style, but both options were viable. In The New Colossus, which I shall now abbreviate as TNC, going in loud was the way I always went because it seemed more viable. And I always went stealth in TNO. I probably just need to learn the areas, but there was some problems I ran into. Like this game being dark. Not story wise (even though it is) but literally. I remember alot of areas meant to be stealth-able lacking in the lighting department, and I set my brightness at the recommended settings, too. Anytime I’d get caught it’d be from and enemy that I couldn’t see. And that leads to another problem. In TNO, enemies stuck out in the maps. Even if they were dully-colored humaniods coming in plentiful shades of gray you’d still spot them from across the area. It was probably due to both TNO being brighter and the enemies having a wide design variety. Not so much in the TNC. There’s less design variety here and they all seem to just blend into the background alot. Even the brightly-colored HAZMAT and Venus space troopers don’t pop in anything less than Glamour Magazine photo booth. On top of that those two previously mentioned troopers, while being obvious separate models apon inspection, honestly just look like classic Mortal Kombat-esque palette swaps. Again, TNO had alot of variety in their designs. Which is why it was a shame there was no proper model viewer in TNO, and why it’s straight-up bullshit their isn’t one in TNC. One of my favorite bits of last year’s DOOM (another Id games classic updated for the modern world) was a model viewer that let you get an up-close look at the game’s monsters and weapons. The Batman: Arkham games have had it for years. Hell, I remember having them back in 2005 with Jak III. Why can’t Wolfenstein, with their toybox of greatly-designed characters, weapons and assets have it? Or a photo mode, too? I’m not insane about graphics in games, but I still appreciate them with how incredible they are today, and TNC is no exception. It’s a beautiful game. Let me appreciate it to the fullest extent possible. Honestly these days model viewers and photo modes are something all games should have with how far graphics have gone. If only bosses got the same advancement. TNO had a few that aren’t Psycho Mantis or Big Baby Bowser levels, but they were fun nonetheless. DOOM’s bosses were one of the highlights for me. TNC has none of those. Here and then there’s an enemy that can act as a sort-of miniboss, but their’s nothing big and climactic like TNO’s showdown with the towering London Monitor, or the final showdown with the main antagonist, General Deathshead. The "final boss" of TNC is more of a gauntlet than anything. 3 pairs of Supersoldiers, a higher-powered but still common enemy assisted by a shitload of standard infantry, finished off by 2 "Zerstörers", which are basically super versions of the Supersoldiers (I call them "Super-duper Soliders"). The main antagonist of the game, General Engel, goes down with one melee attack, only vainly defending herself with a pistol. An outdated pistol by both the game’s and IRL standards. In a game where mechs, actual Avengers Helicarriers and boimechanically-enhanced mutants are possible, you’d expect so much more. Especially with Hitler himself making an appearance. I was really looking forward to a modern-day Mecha-Hitler. Not sure if I’d want bosses to worry about though since something as simple as getting your weapons out can be a pain. In TNO you could dual wield nearly every weapon in the game, but you could only dual wield two of the same gun. In TNC dual wield returns, for every weapon you can carry, and you can interchange between them. And while it has it’s uses for sure, it feels kinda clunky, not to mention slow. TNC takes it’s sweet time letting you change your weapons which can be fatal, especially since this game carries over a problem TNO had in that you’re not exactly warned when your current ammo’s about to run dry and you’re gonna get lit up while changing a clip.

Now to the good, which I assure you outweighs the bad. Lemme start by saying that the gunplay feels as fantastic as before. Every gun has kick and you feel it whenever you see a Nazi get turned to mush by your triple-barreled automatic rotary shotgun. Yes, that’s a thing in this game. As is a pistol-sized grenade launcher. And sticky-bomb launcher. And an OP-as hell laser cannon that atomizes people and metal covers/doors alike. And all of these can be powered-up through upgrades. The Shotgun can be upgraded to have ricochet rounds to deal even more damage. The pistol can have a suppressor so it stays useful like it did in TNO. The Assault Rifle can have both a scope and armor piercing rounds making it able to down mechanical enemies in one shot. And the laser cannon. Oh god the Laser cannon. Called the LaserkraftWerk in the game, it’s by far the best weapon you’ll get, even before upgrades. One shot will destroy even more armored infantry, but when you upgrade it so the blast can be charged, ooooooohhh. One charged blast will down Super soldiers with ease, and even on higher difficulties the powerful Zerstörer units I mentioned earlier will fall with a few good shots. Combo this with an extended battery doubling your already-decent ammo pool, And you’re unstoppable. I guess that leads to another issue. While every gun has their uses and you’ll likely use every one at one point, like DOOM before it you’ll probably cruise along primary’ing 2 guns. For me it was the Shotgun and Laserkraftwerk. But even then they weren’t the weapons I used the most. It was the heavy weapons. In TNO there was a Heavy MG you’d find here and there. It was powerful, sure, but could only be picked up and not carried in your inventory, and slowed you down considerably. You couldn’t sprint and crouching reduced you to a snail’s pace, and interacting with anything would make you drop it. In TNC there’s 4 types of heavy weapons and they’re awesome. They still slow you down but nowhere near the TNO’s. You CAN interact with stuff and you can even sprint with them. Doesn’t sound like much but believe me, that makes a world of difference. Another thing that gives you an edge in combat is the contraptions. There’s 3 in total; The Ram Shackles, which allow you to bash through both weak walls and enemies alike, the Constrictor Harness, which allows you to sneak around in tight spaces, and the Battle Walker, my favorite, which is just some goddamn stilts. They let you get to higher places so its not anywhere as useless as it sounds, but also has perks, like the other contraptions. You’ll be able to tank explosions without falling over, make enemies freeze n terror at the sight of you, and even keep your overcharged health from going down, my favorite. Speaking of health, one thing that makes the newer Wolfenstein and Doom games is the lack of regenerating health. You have to find health and armor in the levels, and this returns in TNC. One addition though is instead of having to pick up stuff manually, walking over health and armor pieces will make you pick it up automatically, though manually picking them up like before is still an option. It admitting needs refinement but it works well enough. It’s nice after a firefight were I took a beating, I remember where a health pack or some armor was, I run to that location, and I already have some extra heath/armor on me when I get there from the bits that was lying around. While I did say that their isn’t much variety in the enemie’s designs, the designs that are there are good, and carry over that retrofuturistic asthetic I loved so much about TNO. My favorites are either the Ubersoldat, with is basically a Nazi T-800, or the previously-mentioned Zerstörer. Enemy behavior is much better in this game too. In TNO during a stealth section if an enemy ran into a dead body, they’d just move along like something happened. In TNC, enemies are much more sharp. Anything louder and light sniffle they’re hear and investigate, and if they find a dead body they go into high alert and start hunting for you. The levels are incredible too, truly feeling and looking like a 1960s America under Nazi control. The level layouts in this game are kinda funny. In TNO a new level was an entirely new location. In TNC, multiple levels are across one location. This is due to the levels being so much more vast than TNO if anything. My favorite level is either the Nazi base on Venus (the actual planet), or Manhattan, which was directly hit by a Nazi nuke in WWII and is now a desolate, irradiated wasteland. You could feel how thick and cancerous the air is, and the devastated buildings have their upper skeletons eerily bent and curled from the blast. Fallout fans will have a bit of deja vu going through it. All these locales help guide the story along, which like TNO before it is a standout part of the game. TNC takes place right after TNO more or less, after the main character, BJ Blazcowiz, is mortally injured in his big battle with General Deathshead. You’re saved by your resistance buddies before they nuke the place, but you’re still messed up. After 5 months in a coma, the game finally starts. With you shooting Nazis on a U-boat you captured previously in a wheelchair. For half the game the only reason you’re able fight again is thanks to a power suit wired to BJ’s brain. Even while you’re fighting BJ’s injuries are taking their toll. By his own estimate, he has weeks. Which is tragic to think about since in TNO, he met Anya Oliwa, a nurse who took care of him during a prior comatose, and eventual lover. By the time TNC rolls around, she’s heavily pregnant with BJ’s twins. Not being their for his kids is something BJ laments a few times, and you feel for him. Especially when you learn about his awful childhood at the beginning of the game. He deserves a good family, and it sucks he’ll never get that. And for a bit it really seemed like that he wouldn’t since midway through the game, BJ’s betrayed by his abusive, racist, Nazi-loving father who make his childhood such a shitshow, and is captured by Nazi forces. After a few weeks of parading "Terror Billy" The most horrible terrorist the world has ever seen according to the Nazi propaganda machine, BJ is executed in front of the Nazified Lincoln memorial to an audience of millions. Beheaded, it really seems like the game took a grim turn. Luckily due to the quick work of his aforementioned buddies in the resistance and some advanced tech, BJ is saved, if head slapped onto a new super soldier body. This brings up something that some reviewers had an issue with. TNC goes through a tone shift in story midway through the game. It starts out very grim and foreboding. Your base was attacked, the leader of the resistance is murdered right in front of you, America seems like it’s perfectly fine living under the Nazi’s boot, BJ is crippled and basically expecting death, and his unborn kids seem like they won’t have a dad. Even in gameplay things feel grim at first. Even with the power suit giving double armor you can’t escaped the halved health. You really feel like you’re playing a crippled character. BJ himself puts it out there pretty good. "I take it off, I’m afraid I’ll fall apart and all the pieces won’t fit back together again." Then he loses that body and gains one that can actually move on it’s own power and then some. BJ is basically reborn. stronger than ever. It makes sense that the game would kick up to a more upbeat tone. You’re a new man, more powerful than ever before. This can be done. You can save the world. This upbeat attitude peaks at the birthday party scene. Just before the final assault, it turns out it’s BJs birthday, so what do you and your resistance buddies do? Party like theirs no tomorrow, because for all they know there might not be. If their’s one thing I like in a story it’s reminding me that the character I’m playing and the characters around them are people, and not by just showing me their trauma and flaws. Every character in Wolfenstein already has those in spades. I’m more for seeing them having fun. Being happy. Enjoying eachother’s company. Take me out of the misery for once and remind me that their’s something good in the world. Not to say seeing smiles on their faces is what made them good characters. Every major character is pretty good in this game. Grace Walker, The new resistance leader and black revolutionary front member is pretty much a female Samuel L. Jackson. General Engel, The game’s antagonist, is the perfect villain in that you want nothing more but to see her get what’s coming to her. Super Spesh, Grace’s husband and crackpot alien conspiracy theorist, gives some good comic relief for the time he’s around. And Anya. Fucking Anya. Loyal, smart, and considering the crazy shit she does while carrying twins in her, may be more badass than BJ himself. And even with the grim beginnings don’t think this game takes itself too seriously. In one level, right after BJ monologues to himself about his imminent mortality, he (and us) get a first glimpse at the Nazi’s rocket-powered train system. Something he immediately responds to with basically "what the fuck?". After nuking the Nazi high command in fucking Roswell, BJ escapes on what’s pretty much the monocycle from Men In Black. Before BJ’s head is slapped onto his new body, it’s dropped in a jar like Futurama. That Venus level I mentioned earlier? You get there on a Nazi flying saucer. And again, stilts. One of your upgrades is big, stompy stilts.

Overall out of all the recent iD software games to hit the scene lately, I’d say DOOM is my favorite. But I’ll give it to The New Colossus. With a few bumps here and their it’s just as fun to play as it’s predecessor, and improves in most areas. Overall, yes, it’s a step up from The New Order, and if you want a fun, absurd shooter with a good story to tell, look no further,

Posted by SHARPSPEED on 2017-11-08 21:23:49

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The post Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus Review appeared first on Good Info.

[parvinasseaynk72insurance-blog]

BMW 435i Cheap Insurance

BMW 435i Cheap Insurance

BMW 435i Cheap Insurance

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :COVERAGE-FINDER.NET

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BMW 435i Cheap Insurance

[waywardoakdown]

stream of consciousness ramble about a story I’m writing below

    To set the stage, I am fourteen years old and watching The Lost Boys for what is probably the fourth or fifth time within the month of June.  I latch on to movies sometimes, for a while it was Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, I remember watching How to Train your Dragon on close to repeat, sitting in front of Practical Magic for hours at a time.

    In the summer of 2011 it was The Lost Boys.  You see I had come out of my twilight phase before this point, I was buried in The Tale of the Body Thief, in Daniel’s unwilling surrender, in Vampire Academy because the struggle of Rose Hathaway was so endlessly interesting to me.  In Shattered Mirror and In the Forests of Night, because Amelia Atwater-Rhodes was barely older than me when she published her first books.

    I had written vampire stories before.

    Christa Morgan was still the sharp tongued huntress she had always been, fighting for her life and trying not to let her best friend die like the rest of her family had.  But I had hit a rock with her story long before this point, a mountain pass I could not find my way through.  

    Aria and Melody were on hold while I thought over the consequences of a world where eye color could denote whether or not you’d killed someone you were related to.

    Then I was buried in fanfiction to extend this universe that there seemed to be so little of.  My obsessions grew far and I was hungry for whatever was written well, though my standards at the time were admittedly low.  I’ve revisited some of those stories lately, to find them holding up surprisingly well.  

    So I sat down to extend the universe myself.

    Alexandra Blackwood was born of that endeavor, and like me at this start, she was fourteen.  Turning 15 on September 9th.  She wasn’t a self insertion, how Christa started out, she was brash and scared and all around a pretty broken kid.  I’d settled on her upbringing being shit from the start and I pulled from relatives and friends lives to give life to how these things had affected her.  There wasn’t a lot to go off of at first, it was generic as they come when fanfiction sprung from this movie.  Another kid goes off to Santa Carla and falls in step with the boys.

    In this case the only original Lost Boy I kept was David, since in the novelization of the movie there was a post-end scene of him having turned a handful of surf nazis, one being Shane who would move up to Luna Bay with his own crew of exceptionally violet buddies.  I liked the idea of having a new group of people, especially since while I felt comfortable in David in the way I always feel comfortable writing those of questionable morals and exceptional cruelty: I didn’t feel comfortable in my abilities to capture Marko, Paul, and Dwayne.

    Making people scream over my lack of ability to do so was not something I wanted.

    And thus Eric, Kyle, and Jesse were born.

    Only two of them survived into this edition of the rewritten mess, only one of them stayed in his semi-original state (Jesse, my green haired ball of energy).  I wrote the story very fast for my pace at the time, I flew through chapters like it was nothing until about 14 or 15 in.

    That’s when things started getting weird.

    See by this point I was working simultaneously on this mess of a fanfiction, and writing a companion that had the copyrighted materials removed, hence David becoming Daniel, and Santa Carla becoming Twin Lakes (a little town barely a mile across just below Santa Cruz, in case anyone wondered).  I changed the story very little in the first rewrite, which I have since trashed and can no longer see the light of day, though it may still exist on a flash drive somewhere labeled ‘Safe - 23036’ which was the word count at the time.  Pretty impressive for a 14 year old who had never written more than 10k before and that being over the course of years rather than a handful of months.

    I had a cheerleader though.  There was this woman in Australia who got very attached to both versions of my story, and needed something to read after putting her kids to bed.  So whenever I hit a rut I reminded myself I had someone waiting for this, waiting and excited, and forward I plowed.

    Back to things getting, weird.  The longer Alex waited to feed the less cohesive her mind became, she had dreams that lasted days and hallucinations about real people that she hadn’t even met.  Things that, if I remember correctly, still got cut from the last-most-recent rewrite, the one before this one, the one with a little over 2 dozen chapters and a handful of alternate endings and off shoots because gods know I can’t make up my mind.

    Well, scratch that, looks like I did include that weird bullshit in the last rewrite.  Go me, those chapters are absolutely a confusing pile of shit.  But apparently I wanted to keep them.  That rewrite happened in, oh I dunno, 2014 or so?  Maybe it was 2013, I think it might have been.  I don’t know for sure, but I do know it got a huge overhaul and moved further away from The Lost Boys so that it could stand better on its own.

    By this time I think I had changed Alex’s age to match mine again?  16 or 17 or something around there, just because I remember going back and reading and thinking ‘What dumb fuck 14 year old lets herself join a bunch of fuckin vampires, and what vampires allow that???’  So I upped her age a bit, which I’ve done again in the current version, to match my own age, again, making her 20 going on 21.

    I remember the first time I finished these stories, it was maybe halfway through January of 2012 when I started the sequel, having set up for it at the end back in December.  Kayla Raes was born of probably the least thought out romance of all time, rest assured I’ve built up Alex and Isaac’s relationship much more this time.  But at this time they were just, together, because reasons?  I guess?

    Now more than half that characters in this damn book are queer, so whatever.

    Anyways.

    Kayla Raes, who inexplicably has David/Daniel’s eyes and doesn’t think to question it when these fuckers show up and offer her immortality.

    Which she takes and then after realizing that she’s still being controlled, kills the FUCK out of David/Daniel and unfortunately Isaac dies in the process and there’s some bullshit going on there but we don’t need to go into “Free” I really don’t follow that ending anymore.

    Originally Alex either killed Isaac or escaped with him in the end.

    Because I didn’t even touch on the fact that her parents were worthy targets.

    It didn’t even really come up until I did I one shot AU of my own damn story called “Feral” where the boys would just feed people vampire blood, drop them back in the streets, give them a week to kill someone and if they didn’t, kill them.  Alex attacked a woman in the streets, demanded answers from Daniel, originally she turned here, like she killed the woman and that was the end of it.  I wasn’t sure where I was bringing the story from that point.  But it did spawn the beginnings of this rewrite.

    Of Alex becoming a vampire without killing Isaac.

    Now, shoot forward to what is the very beginnings of 2017, I haven’t so much as touched this story in years, I do occasionally re-read it for the parts I enjoy.  The scene in San Francisco for the sake of cementing Alex’s fear of trying to run away from Daniel, the image of his hair soaked red and the bones of that last girl cracking under his hands.  The opening of Alex discovering the whole vampire thing, of almost killing Isaac in the shop, shaking and calling 911 and not quite knowing what else to do or what she’s done.  Jesse leaving to go find his sister Sarah after years of her being a missing persons case, finding her dead just outside Chicago with a broken arm and two bullets in her head.  Things I still loved the descriptions of, things that still flowed the way I felt they did the first time I’d written them.

    But oh gods the mess that was most of the story.

    I opened with a clean slate.

    With one single chapter written.

    Alex discussing the possibility of killing her parents with Daniel.  She’s been fighting for months now, and the pain is so bad most of the time she can barely leave bed.  Daniel is emphasizing her lack of time, and how worried they are getting about her. By this time the ‘they’ is different, still Jesse, but Eric and Kyle are gone and there is now a girl named Moira, who is small and fiery and slow to like people.  

    They talk about her parents, about how nobody could blame her for wanting to see them dead and gone.  She’s afraid to go back and Daniel offers to kill them for her if it turns out she can’t bring herself to do it.

    They go, she kills them, everything is fine.

    That was how this rewrite started.

    That was the only thing I had cemented in my mind.  The vision of her obliterating everything that had caused her pain in the past and using it to move forward.  To start a new life.

    I also moved this shit to the east coast so that I was more familiar with the setting.  Since I’m a Vermonter and I know Maine and New Hampshire pretty damn well, especially the coastal parts of Maine.  She did still spend time in Santa Cruz, but I left that to memory.

    Daniel’s story changed heavily as well, as it had to in order to move away from The Lost Boys, I’ve read the prequel script, I know all that mess.  But Daniel softened somewhere in between rewrites.  He wasn’t the so called ‘big bad’ anymore.  So he was a PTSD kid who had gone to war when he was too young and seen things he couldn’t forget.  In that respect he was molded after my Uncle, though without the denial of his PTSD and massive drinking problem.  

    From that story was born Amalthea, Carter, Lia, and reborn Eric.  Carter fit more closely to what Daniel had been originally, but he was more childish about it.  Amalthea was a placeholder I never replaced because she just faded out of importance so she kept the Last Unicorn’s human name.

    Daniel grew on me fast once he had a background in place, wanting to please his grandfather, wanting enough money to finally propose to Emily Dawr.  The moment when he realizes he’s killed her brother.  When he tells her goodbye, and then following being ready to kill Carter when it’s implied Carter killed her.  Going to check on his sister’s family every few years.  Getting so lonely when Carter and Lia are killed.  Not having the energy to go after Eric and Amalthea afterwards.

    When he comes across Jesse the kid is so bright he’s annoying.  But that fades away fast even though it’s obvious Jesse wants more from him than he’s willing to give.  Not that he’s got a preference either way when it comes to sex but Jesse it just very  energetic and not really his type.  Regardless, they do become very good friends throughout the months where Jesse is trying to get everything in order so that Daniel can kill him.  

    I’d go into why Jesse wants to die but the story does that for me, in his own words, the 80s were a bad time to be gay.

    By the time I’ve gotten all the backstory for the pair of them, Isaac’s story is changing and his decisions are slowly becoming the turning point for every possibility in this book.  He helps Alex get more time by giving her his blood every couple of weeks, courtesy of Carrie who would very much like to know why he keeps asking such questions about how often you can remove certain amounts of blood and what the effects might or might not be.  When Alex does turn, they remain friends, sort of.  Carrie, not knowing who Alex is, has Isaac invite her to their occasional dinner-and-stake nights.  I need better wording for that, they have food and then Isaac trains them to fight vampires.

    Isaac is, understandably apprehensive about this, especially considering everything Alex did/almost did to him.  But she assures him that it’s all much easier to control now and things go smoothly for some time.  One night things, get a little heated while Isaac and Alex are fighting, she feels almost like she’s out of control for a second, and then it stops.  Later on they end up kissing, and there’s a blood exchange, and this leads to Isaac craving it.  Every time it happens, he calls it something akin to an addiction, though after a close call of thinking she might have turned him, they stop.  

    They do continue sort-of being a couple.

    Fast forward a bit, some bad things happen, Alex almost dies, and Isaac tells her he loves her.  To which she responds that loving him is terrifying and she doesn’t want to face the choices that leaves them with.  Jesse reinforces this when he tells her she has to be prepared to watch him die, or turn him into a vampire.  Neither of which Alex likes, not having wanted to be a vampire herself, though she’s gotten used to it by now, and doesn’t think any the worse for it.

    So she runs, and Isaac, having already decided that he’s okay with the likely outcome of their relationship being an eternity of murder, goes to Daniel.

    Rewind a bit, remember that scene I mentioned in San Francisco?  That scene doesn’t happen anymore, it didn’t fit with Daniel’s personality and I knew if he had stayed the way he was originally, Alex would never had trusted him, never have agreed to kill someone, and never have stuck around in the first place.

    Here’s where Eric comes back in.  Taking on all the traits of Daniel and his old self combined with a little touch of carnage soaked madness I attribute to my ever present muse for The Master from Doctor Who.  Sometime somewhere I haven’t figured out when exactly to shove it in, he shows up and decides a little wake up call is in order.

    So like the asshole he is, a side that didn’t really come out originally until ‘Free’ but fuck that story and fuck Kayla and fuck Ally and everything else that happened there- He kidnaps Alex.

    And of course things take a quick turn for the worst.

    But the others show up and whisk her the fuck out of there and I’m like 90% sure Moira straight up shoots Eric until he’s so full of holes it doesn’t matter that he’s immortal.  Because she’s seen this kind of bullshit before and there is no way she’s dealing with it again.

    Alex kills her mother two or three days later, I ended up changing it because she couldn’t kill Jack, every time I sat down to write the scene she’d fly into a panic and so I had Daniel do it.  Well, she had Daniel do it.  These characters talk to me, they appear like ghosts, just visible in the corner of my vision, people fully formed but incorporeal.

    Onward we move.

    This story has been near and dear to me for a long time.

    Alex is probably the most pissed at me of all the characters in my head, and I’ve killed off Emmreth Took more times than The Master would ever allow (like he’d allow it at all, but jfc).  

    She is a permanent resident of my mind, like the Master is.  She doesn’t flit in and out like the rest, she’s just there.  Which is equal parts a help and a hindrance.  With the Master it’s an odd sort of tolerance, because we share certain similarities, and are polar opposites in other areas.  We find destruction highly cathartic, and he’s helpful when I’m drowning in my emotions because he is the kind of person to shut them away and move forward anyways.

    I can’t do that, but his irritation is usually enough to pick me up out of bed.

    Alex is different.

    Alex is all on her, she doesn’t bleed into my normal life, she comes up to talk in regards to her own and little else.  But she’s still there, just outside the edge of my vision, and depending on where she appears from, her questions range from pure curiosity, to fear, to outright pissed off demands.

    Of course, I don’t always have the answers she’s looking for, either because they are out of my control, or I haven’t gotten far enough to decide yet.  Or I’m stuck and can’t decide in either of two or more directions.

[flauntpage]

Blue Jays Mailbag: Bullpen Depth, Gibbons' Slow-Starting Teams, and Trade Chips

This article originally appeared on VICE Sports Canada.

Andrew Stoeten answers your questions in our Blue Jays Mailbag, which runs weekly at VICE Sports. You can send him questions at stoeten@gmail.com , and follow him on Twitter.

The Blue Jays season just keeps on going. Five more months of this! Oh joy!

But on the field they've actually started treading water enough that fans can seriously contemplate a red-hot run putting their Blue Jays back in contention at some point—meaning the club's recent roster fluctuations aren't mere rearrangements of the deck chairs on the Titanic quite yet. Even if they sometimes have felt that way.

So let's do it to it and take some questions about the bullpen! *COUGH*

And if you have a Blue Jays question you'd like me to tackle for next week, be sure to send it to stoeten@gmail.com. As always, I have not read any of Griff's answers...

Hi Andrew, With the Jays injuries to their pitchers and him doing great in Buffalo and a solid ST until the horrific injury from the line drive, why hasn't TJ House gotten a shot in the show yet? Rian

Uh... I hope you're not asking this about T.J. House as though you think seeing him take the ball for the Blue Jays would be a good thing. It wouldn't. But I get why there might be a little confusion over this, because you're not wrong that House has looked good so far. He's struck out more batters in his brief spell in Buffalo so far than he has at any level for several years (25.2%, compared to 14.6% in 2016 in 72.2 Triple-A innings in the Cleveland organization), and producing a groundball rate over 50%, which has added up to a tidy 1.24 ERA on the season.

The thing is, it's not necessarily just performance that has to be considered. Especially when we're talking about Triple-A performance, which can be misleading at the best of times. (Remember when Randy Wolf sparkled for 23 starts for the Bisons in 2015, bristled about not getting a call-up, and eventually was sent to the Tigers, for whom he made seven starts, posting a 6.23 ERA, and then called it a career?) Still, maybe House had as good a case to get the call as Mat Latos or Casey Lawrence did, but the Jays said at the time that pair was first called up that they were looking for right-handers to face the right-handed-heavy Angels lineup. And House, of course, is a lefty.

There may have also been some kind of handshake deal with Latos, promising him the first available spot start in exchange for not opting out of his contract when he didn't make the club out of spring training. We have no idea if this was the case, but it's at least plausible, and a thing that teams sometimes do.

Has it really come to wanting T.J. House called up? Yes, yes, it has. Photo by Reinhold Matay-USA TODAY Sports

The other thing is that Lawrence has minor league options remaining, while House doesn't. If the idea was to bring someone up for only a start or two, perhaps the club felt it made more sense to use the guy they wouldn't have to sneak through waivers just to keep in the organization. (Though they've since designated Lawrence for assignment in order to bring up catcher Mike Ohlman in the wake of Russell Martin's recent shoulder injury).

Because House is the kind of guy the Jays might actually like to keep. The front office knows him well from the Cleveland days, and he started 18 games for them in 2014. That stint makes up the bulk of his big league résumé, and it's not a terrible one: 89 strikeouts in 117.2 innings, a 59.7% groundball rate, and 2.6 walks per nine innings—numbers spoiled somewhat by a higher-than-average home run rate.

Serviceable is the word. And while that's maybe exactly the kind of guy you'd expect the club to turn to, I don't think it's unreasonable that they chose to not imperil their already thin depth and go with Lawrence and Latos for a couple early starts, especially given the handedness issue relating to facing the Angels.

Hey, and good news, T.J. House fans, with the way Blue Jays pitchers have been dropping like flies, he may still get his chance! Though for now all eyes are on Joe Biagini, who had an excellent first start for the club on Sunday, and someone BP Toronto noted over the winter, maybe should have been a starter all along.

Speaking of...

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Bullpen plans for Gibby w/o his only reliable reliever now (Biagini). In case it wasn't painfully obvious.

@TheRealTayls17

Call me crazy, but I'm actually pretty comfortable with Danny Barnes, Ryan Tepera, Joe Smith, and Dominic Leone bridging the gap between whoever the hell the Jays are starting and closer Roberto Osuna. (For anyone wondering where Jason Grilli's name is here, have you not been watching?)

Barnes has produced very good strikeout totals in the minors, and has limited walks and—despite having fly ball tendencies—home runs. His fastball isn't huge in terms of velocity (he sits in the low 90s), but it generates swing and miss, especially paired with a nice changeup. The ZiPS projection system has Barnes as being worth nearly 1 WAR for the rest of the season, which is based in part on his excellent minor league numbers, but a growing (if still minuscule) sample of big league success, too. So far this year he's allowed just three hits and two walks in nine innings of work. Keep riding him, I say!

Tepera has been up and down between Buffalo and Toronto a bunch over the last few years, so fans know him fairly well. He lives on his heat (94-95), throwing a four-seamer, cutter, and sinker, with little offspeed or breaking stuff mixed in. He hasn't been a dominant reliever, and has tended a little too much toward issuing walks—including 9 in 17.2 innings this season—but I don't think it kills you to give him some higher-leverage opportunities than he's seen.

Leone's results haven't been great so far with the Jays, but the peripherals look pretty good. He's another somewhat hard thrower (93-94), has a good cutter and a slider he could maybe use more of (Brooks Baseball notes that his fourseamer "is basically never swung at and missed compared to other pitchers' fourseamers, results in more flyballs compared to other pitchers' fourseamers, has essentially average velo and has some added backspin"). The 4.73 ERA doesn't look great, but 16 strikeouts in 13.1 innings is something to work with, and the 5 walks (one intentional) work, too. Again, not a dominant guy, but a guy who'll do fine enough most times to get some looks in higher-leverage situations.

Smith, the sidearmer, has been quite good so far, gives clubs a different look, has over 650 games of big league experience, and a spell closing for the Angels in 2014. He's going to look like trash if his pitches frisbee into the middle of the plate, but when he's on it's a thing of beauty.

There's also Grilli, once he finds himself (which we all, y'know, hope he will), the newly-acquired Neil Ramirez (who looks somewhat like a poor man's Grilli—the good version, that is), and whoever else might come up from Buffalo.

So the bullpen might be OK, minus Grilli? Photo by Nick Turchiaro-USA TODAY Sports

So... yes. The bullpen is in flux. This, I think, was always to be expected, even if the sudden loss of Biagini to the rotation, and the less-than-sudden shittiness of Grilli, has thrown a wrench into whatever vague plans were there. John Gibbons is probably going to get heat for it whenever he makes the "wrong call" and a game ends up going sideways. And with guys who look more like middle relievers than late-inning ones being asked to pick up a lot of slack, it's definitely going to happen. But the thing is, even the best of relievers blow games, and these guys here now have a chance to really grab an opportunity and turn themselves into the next Biagini. It could work!

At the very least, it'll be OK. And if the offence ever starts not being completely useless, we might not even notice so much, anyway.

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Hello, I recently read a stat that since 2013 (the year Gibbons was rehired) the Blue Jays have the MLB's worst record in April. While I detest the 'fire Gibbons' refrain whenever the team plays poorly, I can't help but feel that it is a legitimate criticism of Gibbons and the coaching staff for not doing the right things during spring training to adequately prepare the team to start the season well.

How much responsibility should the coaching staff shoulder for slow starts? Or is it primarily a matter of the type of roster assembled?

Would appreciate your thoughts on this.

Josh

Holy shit. Speaking of John Gibbons taking heat!

But, to be fair, this is actually quite a reasonable way to frame a question that's hard to ask without sounding like you're unduly shitting on the manager. Which is mostly because asking it at all means unduly shitting on the manager.

What are these magical "right things during spring training to adequately prepare the team to start the season well"? And if John Gibbons doesn't know them, why isn't he being steered toward them by Ross Atkins, or Mark Shapiro, or DeMarlo Hale, or Luis Rivera, or Tim Leiper, or Alex Anthopoulos, or Tony LaCava, or Jose Bautista, or Mark Buehrle, or J.P. Ricciardi, or anyone he worked with as the bench coach for the Royals, or the Jays' new high performance department, or the '86 Mets team he played for, or any of the countless other people with vast experience in the game that he's been surrounded by over the years?

Y'know????

I'm not saying that we should just wave this stuff away and pretend it doesn't exist—you're not wrong that slow starts have been a hallmark of some of Gibbons' teams—but this idea that, in the absence of anything else to point to, the manager must be to blame simply doesn't make any sense. I'd be happy to hear some reasoning for it beyond "well he was there and he was the manager, so it's ultimately on him." But what might such reasoning even look like? Is he doing anything differently than any other manager in any other organization? If yes, sure, we should look at it. But if he was, and it seemed possible that it was impacting the team's starts so significantly, my suspicion is that one of the huge number of knowledgeable and successful people who've been in his sphere along the way would have noticed—and if they did notice and try to correct him and he wasn't receptive, then that should have been noticed.

Until you show me something concrete that he does that might explain this, the best explanation is, unfortunately, "shit happens." I know it's not very satisfying to not be able to have someone to point a finger at, but shit happens.

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How much money for real grass and drainage? Would trading JD, JB, Stroman, Sanchez and Morales for cash cover that amount? @StephenDame

I know you're being facetious, but I've seen a few people try to make this kind of a direct connection between a player's salary and the coming renovations at the Rogers Centre, and I really don't think we need to be so scared of that.

I can't claim to know exactly how it's all going to work, but the hundreds of millions of dollars poured into extending the Rogers Centre's life won't be taken directly from the Blue Jays' payroll. Some of it might be! Don't get me wrong, I don't have a whole lot of trust in the company that may have intentionally devalued their own team for years just so they could get a sweetheart deal on the building—which they bought for just $25 million in 2004. But there have been some rather major projects over the last couple of years—a massive upgrade to the roof and the installation of the dirt infield being key among them—and the payroll has been healthier than ever.

Unfortunately, the future upgrades I'm talking about very likely don't include retrofitting the building to have a full grass field—the cost of which seems like it will ultimately prove prohibitive. Hey, but at least we got to swallow that sweet false hope for a few years, eh? Thanks, Beeston!

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IF the jays do end up as sellers come trade deadline who do you think is most likely to be moved and what kind of haul could they get for them? Rian

I think you could probably figure this out on your own, to be perfectly honest, Rian. If they're out of it, they'll certainly move guys who will be free agents once the season ends, which means Bautista, Estrada, and Liriano.

Grilli and Barney will be free agents, too, but whatever the Jays might be able to get for those two as rental players isn't going to be much of a haul. They might nab some interesting depth pieces—the Blue Jays gave up shortstop Dawel Lugo for Cliff Pennington in an August 2015 deal, and Lugo has had a couple very good seasons with the bat since, and ended up the Diamondbacks' tenth best prospect this winter, per Eric Longenhagen of FanGraphs—but nothing that's going to turn the franchise around any time soon.

Unfortunately, there's probably not going to be any kind of massive haul for the big three, either. More than the other two, Bautista's value will depend on his performance heading into the end of July. If he gets right and teams aren't scared off by his reputation, I still don't see him netting much more than Carlos Beltran did for the Yankees last year. That package, if you don't recall, was pretty underwhelming: a couple of arms that look like they're probably relievers, and Dillon Tate, who was the fourth overall pick in 2015, but whose stock dropped massively post-draft. Keith Law had him as the Yankees' 14th best prospect this winter at ESPN.com, calling him a future reliever as well, so...

The market could play out differently for the Jays and Bautista this summer, if that's what it comes to, but I think two months of Beltran is a pretty good baseline, and it's not going to get anybody terribly excited.

As for Estrada, the dream is something like the Jays gave up for two months of David Price in 2015. But, as much as Blue Jays fans may love their AceStrada, I don't think he has nearly the same cachet. He almost certainly isn't going to get back what the Reds did when they moved Johnny Cueto to the Royals, either, but maybe the Jays could get something of a similar shape. That package was centred around Brandon Finnegan—a still-improving young arm who was able to start 30 times for Cincinnati in 2016—and also featured a couple other pitchers (John Lamb, Cody Reed) that were ready to step into the big leagues and be bad, one as a back-end starter and the other as a reliever.

Estrada has been rock solid and has the best strikeout rate of his career. Photo by Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports

Liriano will be worth even less, one would imagine. And with the pitching market expected to be rather robust in terms of supply, it's not impossible that both will be worth quite a bit less.

Isn't this fun?

Hey, but there's always the chance that the Jays can package a couple of these guys and get something better than what they might bring back as individuals. At last year's deadline the A's sent rental players Josh Reddick and Rich Hill to the Dodgers for a trio of interesting arms: Jharel Cotton, who has struggled out of the gate in Oakland's rotation, but made five very good starts at the end of last season; Grant Holmes, a big, hard-throwing prototypical A's starter whom Law suggests they may have bought low on; and upper-90s throwing relief prospect Frankie Montas.

Useful pieces, in other words. Pieces that, at least in these cases, were at least able to step in and contribute the next year—which could be especially useful for the Jays. Good players, but guys with flaws—with limited ceilings or still steep learning curves—and not quite the kinds of mega-prospects we've seen moved in the last year for studs with years of control remaining, like Chris Sale, Adam Eaton, Andrew Miller, Aroldis Chapman, or even Drew Pomeranz.

Of course, the Jays have a guy who could net prospects from out of that higher tier, but they'd essentially be saying goodbye to both 2017 and 2018 if they were to move Josh Donaldson, and it's still a little too hard to envision them having the stomach for that.

Blue Jays Mailbag: Bullpen Depth, Gibbons' Slow-Starting Teams, and Trade Chips published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv