#and when i asked him how my bicep looked and he said “like an anorexic snake”

[snaggletoothedbastard]

me: *proudly showing my best friend my new cane. important note: i am 4'10" and was wearing a newsboy cap at the time*

my best friend: nice. it really completes the tiny tim look

me:

[a7xlizardqueen]

Title: Your Knight in a Sweater Vest

Overall Rating: NC-17

Overall Warnings: Parental bullying, mentions of bulimia, nudity(?), drinking, partying, cursing, very slight mention of war and trauma, smut

Pairing: Reader x Steve Rogers

Summary: When you need help dealing with your rude and overbearing family, your best friend Steve Rogers comes to the rescue. Modern!AU - For @barnesrogersvstheworld  Writing Challenge Shot Through the Heart #shotthroughtheheart3k

Chapter: 2/10

Word Count: 1,361 words

Chapter Warnings: Parental bullying, mentions of bulimia

-X-X-X-

“Hey, honey, sorry I’m late.”

Good thing you didn’t have a drink, or you would have spit it all over your mother from the shock.

“Steve!” You smile, trying to act like you have a clue what’s going on.

He smiles and kisses your cheek, putting an arm around your waist.

“Again, Mrs. Skinner, it’s all my fault that Y/N didn’t tell you I was coming. I really wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it,” he puts his hand over his heart and gives her his most charming smile, “As soon as I found out I had the time I rushed over. What better way to surprise my girl?”

Your mother smiles, playing with the locket dangling against her neck. Her eyes are roaming over his chest and arms. It wasn’t until that moment that you realized how big Steve actually was. You always saw him around Bucky and Sam who were just as big into their daily workouts as Steve was. Seeing him now beside your ex he seemed massive.

Steve stood almost a foot taller, and his bicep was practically the same size as Percy’s head. His girlfriend was shamelessly ogling Steve as well. You grab Steve’s hand and excuse yourselves, making a beeline for the house, this time letting nothing stop you. He remains quiet as you search the liquor cabinet for the whiskey, pouring yourself a healthy shot and tipping the burning liquid down your throat.

“Surprise?” He smiles cheekily.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“I’m sorry, okay? But I couldn’t stop thinking about you being here, fending for yourself. I wanted to help.”

“And you think pretending to be my boyfriend is going to help?”

“Maybe?”

“What happens when they ask you to come back to all the other family shindigs?”

“I’ll come to those, too. I just don’t want you to be alone.”

He’s giving you that look with the damn puppy eyes and you cave. That look is impossible to ignore.

“You’re too damn nice for your own good, Steve.”

“Thank you, Steve,” he mocks, “you’re very welcome, Y/N.”

You pour yourselves both large whiskeys before you return to the party. The second you step out onto the patio your sister is on you. She can smell attractive men like a wolf smells fear.

“Y/N, where have you been hiding him?” She smiles lecherously.

Steve smiles bashfully, “Under the bed, if you can believe it.”

You roll your eyes but play along.

“I just wanted to keep him all to myself for a while,” you smile, running your hands over his chest and stomach, watching as her eyes follow the movement.

You mingle amongst the crowd, waiting for dinner to be served. Again you are cornered by your stepfather’s business associate who asks the inevitable question.

“What do you do, Steve?”

“I’m a teacher,” Steve smiles fondly.

“Oh, wonderful! What’s your subject; philosophy, history?”

“Kindergarten.”

The smile falls from the man’s lips, “Ah.”

Thankfully the awkward tension is interrupted by the announcement of dinner. A place has been made by your side for Steve, across from Percy and his girlfriend. Great, this is going to be a lovely dinner.

Having Steve there makes you comfortable and you begin to load your plate up. Steve piles food on to his plate in great heaps, the man could eat like no one you’ve ever met. You should have been more careful, but Steve always had a very calming effect on you and you let your guard down. Your mother catches sight of your plate.

“My, gosh, Y/N, you aren’t planning on eating all that, are you?”

Your fork pauses over the plate and your skin prickles with anxiety.

“Really, Y/N, how do you ever expect to lose weight on a diet like that?”

Your tongue feels as if it has swollen and fallen down your throat, your heart beats loudly in your ears. You can’t even move your head to look up from your plate. If you look up and see Percy’s face you might crack.

“Nice to see some things never change, Y/N,” he says, smugness dripping from each syllable.

His voice causes your stomach to roll, and you can feel the contents trying to climb up your esophagus. Your body is trying to revert back to a coping mechanism you’d long since given up.

“Honestly, Y/N, I thought I raised you better than this. I didn’t want to say anything, but clearly you’ve let yourself go lately,” your mother is picking daintily at her own measly salad. "How did she lose all that weight when you were together Percy? You looked so good back then, darling."

The reminder of how you used to be is the last straw. Your chest grows heavy, and saliva builds on the back of your tongue. With a quick excuse you bolt from the table and try to walk as calmly as possible into the house. Once inside you race for the bathroom, reaching the toilet just as your stomach rolls, emptying itself of its already sparse contents.

Knuckles rap lightly on the door behind you. Of course he followed you. You never wanted Steve to know this about you. Guess you’re busted.

“How long has that been going on?” His voice is laced with a lowly simmering rage.

You wipe yourself off with toilet paper before facing him, already dreading the look of pity on his face. It doesn’t appear, there’s only a thick mask of rage and hatred blanketing his usually soft features.

“Answer me.”

“It hasn’t happened in a long time,” you admit in a quiet croak. “I started when I was in high school. My mother is very focused on appearance. I was never thin enough for her. It got to its worst when I was dating Percy. When we broke up, Bucky convinced me to go see his therapist. Hasn’t happened in 6 years.”

"Buck knows?" Steve's nostrils flare and he shakes his head.

"I begged him not to tell you. I didn't want you to think badly of me."

"But Bucky can?"

"It's different with Bucky. You know that."

Steve is quiet for a minute, arms crossed over his chest.

“My bike is outside. I want you to go wait for me there, I’ll be right out.”

“What do you mean? Where are we going?”

“We’re leaving. I’m not gonna let you sit here and get berated by your anorexic mother. There is nothing wrong with your body.”

Steve goes back down the hall, toward the back yard. The look on his face tells you he’s going into battle. You race after him.

“No, Steve, don’t go back out there!”

“I said, go wait out front.”

Steve steps out the back door, you hot on his heels. You grab at his massive bicep, but he’s on a mission, and nothing you do will stop him.

“You should all be ashamed of yourselves, especially you,” Steve points at your mother. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with this woman. She is kind, and beautiful, and smart, and funny. It’s all of you who need to better yourselves. Now if you’ll excuse us, I’m going to make sure my girlfriend gets something to eat where she won’t be harassed. Don’t bother ever inviting us back here.”

You stare dumbfounded at all the shocked faces at the table. Steve whips around without hesitation, grabs your arm gently and leads you back through the house, out the front door and to his bike.

“You cabbed here?” He confirms.

You nod your head and a small black helmet appears before you. Steve is already straddling his bike, waiting for you to catch up. He races off as soon as your arms are secured around his stomach. You find yourself grinning in satisfaction, remembering the looks of utter shock on their faces. Your stomach does a different kind of flip. Tingles run up your arms as you notice how warm and hard Steve is. Your nose brushes against the back of his shirt and a wonderful smell reaches your senses. How come you never noticed how good Steve smells?

You must have had too much whiskey.

[snaggletoothedbastard]

rating insults my best friend has given me

because this was fun last time

you look like a five-year-old gremlin

in response to me telling him he looks like a 35-year-old man

i was not being serious, he looks more like he's in his mid twenties

but still, it was not much of an insult from me and then he comes out with this shit

i'm more offended by the idea that i look five years old than the idea that i look like a gremlin

i already know i look like a gremlin

6/10, it's probably the most creative height joke i've ever heard but not the most creative insult i've heard from this guy, i know he can do better

you walk like a drunk ape

now this is not one i've heard before

very true

the full sentence was "for someone who walks like a drunk ape you've got surprisingly good balance when you're kicking my punchbag"

so it's actually part of a compliment?

7/10, still not the most impressive but i like it

your arm is the size of an anorexic snake

in response to me showing him my bicep and asking how it looked

i then instantly pretended to punch him

he's not wrong though

he proceeded to flex his muscles and ask me how they looked so i said "like a fat snake"

4/10, it was amusing but the image of an anorexic snake makes me sad. i'm just imagining a literal noodle with a face

it really completes the tiny tim look

in response to me showing him my first cane like ten minutes after i bought it (i say first because last week i got a new one! and it's adjustable so i can make it exactly the right size!)

i was literally the james acaster meme (see one of my previous posts)

i was wearing a newsboy cap at the time which didn't help

i do happen to look like a sickly victorian child so i get it

9/10, probably the most creative out of these

i refuse to believe that you could win a game of pool without cheating

sir?? sir??? excuse me???

he once "won" a pool game against me by cheating

and by cheating i mean he got up on the table and used the cue like a fucking golf club

he was drunk

last week i actually won a pool game without cheating

and when i told him he said this

2/10, outrageous

and now...

rating compliments my best friend has given me

or just generally nice things he's said to me because i don't want the conclusion of this post to be that he's an asshole

you've got the voice of an angel

in response to me singing in front of him for the first time

a month or so later he told my crush that i had "an insane singing voice"

shoutout to him for being the best wingman

8/10, it's a little cheesy but i like it

numerous variations of "don't be sorry for being ill, we all love you anyway and we're happy to take care of you"

has been said several times throughout the summer because i got sick with vitamin d deficiency and have been getting the Symptoms(TM) a lot and feeling bad about it because it makes spending time together difficult

last time he said this to me i'd been drinking apple cider, which i found out the hard way is stronger than pear cider, and halfway through him saying this to me i felt extremely sick. kind of ironic

also i said it to him a few weeks ago because we'd planned to hang out at my house the morning after a night out but he messaged me saying he'd accidentally eaten gluten and was having a reaction so he had to go home, and he said he felt like a dick so i basically gave him the same advice he always gives me

9/10, wonderful advice and a good reminder, it's just a shame he had to say it so much

you're so sweet :)

nice and simple

he always says it after i give him anything that vaguely resembles advice

10/10, no notes, perfection

this poem's only mediocre because you wrote it, if it had been written by anyone else it would be amazing

now this one confused me for a second because it doesn't sound like a compliment

i'd just shown him a poem i'd written which wasn't bad but it wasn't as good as my other poems

basically he meant the poem was only mediocre by my standards because my poetry is good

but by anyone else's standards it would be really good

7/10 because it was confusing but once i understood it was very sweet

i didn't think anyone could love me until i met you

i can't

i can't handle this

so lovely but so sad, mate are you okay??

every time i feel insecure i remember that he said this and i just

10/10 i have no words

and bonus

apparently after i left a party early he drunkenly asked me if i was ok. twice. and had to be reminded by the others that i wasn't there.

in between bouts of violently throwing up <3

and that, my friends, is true love

10/10