#and we never know if bones ever learns that jim survived and later dies doing what he always does: serving the greater good

[triumviiirate]

i spend a lot of time thinking about the empty space between jim and bones at spock's funeral

[kinetic-elaboration]

July 9: Star Trek 1x05 The Enemy Within

Today’s ep: The Enemy Within. Overall this is a good ep, but I don’t know that I entirely agree with its thesis, and some parts of it are so uncomfortable that they mess with my general enjoyment.

Kirk, being encouraging of his crew: “That will make a good specimen.” I like how it’s just one line but there’s such confidence about him. They have to remind you of his normal self fast because he’s split for 99% of the episode.

Sulu: “That’s nippy.” I love Sulu.

So they just find an alien dog on the planet and decide to steal it? Lol your fav is problematic Enterprise crew.

(Like how they just never explained why they sent the dog up by itself later lol.)

I forgot that it was the ore that messed with the transporter. That’s a cool idea; makes sense. Alien ore gets in your system now weird stuff happens.

Evil Kirk appears and no one sees him--that’s why you don’t leave the transporter room unattended like Kirk said!!

Honestly imagine how wild seeing this when it first aired and not knowing much about Star Trek would be. Weird new sci fi show’s been on for a month and suddenly there are two Captains!! What!?!?

Even the way Evil!Kirk touches the ship is lascivious.

Bones is a good doctor. He really does have a good bedside manner; I don’t feel like people remember this about him enough.

He also keeps brandy in sickbay lol.

This scene with gratuitously shirtless Kirk and distracted Spock... it doesn’t look anything less like a porno in context honestly. I know Spock is supposed to be distracted because he’s hearing information that doesn’t make sense but Kirk is just so obviously turning on the flirt face (aka his usual face with Spock) and he’s shirtless so... the distraction is real and multi-faceted.

Ooh, Janice is an artist! I love her little rotating mirror thing.

This scene is so terrible. Really upsets me. Surely they could have found some way to portray ‘pure selfish id’ without going immediately to sexual assault.

Evil!Kirk wears so much eye makeup.

It’s interesting to me that Good!Kirk is so obviously not the real Kirk either, right from the moment he steps off the transporter. (Not to be that person again but Shatner is a better actor than people give him credit for being.)

Spock will save the day! I know that Rand calls for him because he’s First Officer but it’s still interesting that she goes for that name over, like, security.

Evil!Kirk is also where Kirk keeps all his dramatic tendencies.

I feel so bad for Janice in this scene. “What was I supposed to do? He’s the Captain.” Anyway this is why this is still a problem.

That dog omg.

“Set phasers to stun.”

“The search party is to capture you.” Yeah, that’s hard to explain. “Hey, crew, we’re going to play a little game of hide and seek. I’ll hide first.”

Man this conversation between Kirk and Spock. Leadership is one of my favorite themes in ST and Kirk is probably my favorite fictional leader of all time okay so this means a lot to me. “You don’t have the right to be vulnerable in the eyes of the crew.”

Spock is honestly just so on Kirk’s side, at every single moment. He believes him, trusts him, knows who he is, is loyal to him, is honest with him, knows how to handle him, how to care for him.

Spock likes the dog. He likes animals, in general.

The phaser vocab is so different this early on. “Base cycle.”

Good thing Kirk has makeup readily available to cover up his scratches.

My mom suggested transporting some blankets to the planet. But what if they split into evil blankets!! (Interesting that inanimate objects DO split too though.)

I feel like Kirk tried to do a Vulcan nerve pinch there lol.

“If I’m to be the Captain, I’ve got to act like one.” Immediately goes to a shot of his evil self climbing on equipment.

Spock: I always have a point.”

Spock listing out Kirk’s good qualities: his intellect, compassion, love, tenderness. Telling, lol. A lot of synonyms for how much he loves and admires Kirk. Kirk appreciation hour.

“If I seem insensitive to what you’re going through, Captain, understand: it’s the way I am.” I love this line, it’s perfect, because it has two meanings: how I am is unemotional, which causes me to seem insensitive; but also: I go through what you’re going through all the time, it’s how I am.

“Lower us down a pot of hot coffee or some rice wine.”

Poor Kirk, so many struggles, not enough snuggles.

There’s no way people could live through those temperatures in those clothes and not die. Sulu calling for room service. I love him. (Why did they drop his sense of humor in the movies???)

“A thoughtless, brutal animal... yet it’s me.”

I have a lot of mixed feelings about the main thesis of this ep. But. I do love that Kirk’s courage is in his good side.

And so much compassion....”Don’t hurt him. Don’t hurt my evil side.”

Poor animal. Goes through such a confusing experience. Then dies.

Second Officer Spock. I’ve seen people make a big deal out of this but it’s pretty obvious to me this is supposed to mean “Second in command.” As in Kirk is the “First Officer” as the Captain and Spock is second. He behaves in all ways as the second in command, right down to making that log entry at all.

The AOS verse should have rebooted this ep instead of Space Seed (I say every single episode). I mean, STID had as a theme “Kirk learning what it means to command.” That could be tied in! Also can you imagine, two CPines? Two??

Half alien Spock.

Jim’s compassion is paralyzing him.

Aaaand we’re back on the creepy train with Evil!Kirk.

Evil!Kirk doesn’t care about the crew at all. He can make decisions fast because he only cares about himself, so there’s always an easy answer.

Of course he and everyone else looks to Spock as the authority on Kirks.

Evil!Kirk knows he’s not the dominant one here, that re-combining with Good!Kirk means a certain ‘death’ or at least... being sent back to the depths.

Spock at the transporter as if this were even his department lol.

“I’ve seen a part of myself no man should ever see.”

That flirty face he gives Spock though oml. Get a room.

Ugh Spock’s last comment was so ragingly inappropriate. Hate it. But also, read it as an expression of his own extreme jealousy because he’s definitely a jealous person. Just put through the ‘sexist 60s man’ dialogue-writer translator.

So again, I like the idea of this ep and a lot of the details but the details I don’t like are......hard to ignore.

I liked that the bad side was dramatic, selfish, confused, entitled, and it made sense that he was violent and even lustful. And I liked that Kirk had such a hard time seeing that part of himself and acknowledging it. And I do think it's a good lesson/message that we need to understand our own worst impulses and that those impulses are part of us and maybe even tied to parts of us that we need. But the implication that everyone's a little rapey and that the events of this episode necessarily mean Janice has to work for someone she knows is inappropriately lustful toward her just... are really hard for me to entirely get over.

Honestly her reaction just really makes me so sad. And it annoys me that no one stands up for her, no one says that the Captain was wrong and she didn’t deserve that treatment, “imposter” or no. I guess that's what bothers me more than that Evil!Kirk went immediately to assault, b/c the idea IS that he is lustful, violent, and completely selfish. He cares about himself, his survival, his ship, what he owns, what he deserves. Maybe it is natural he would let the power go to his head and seek out someone who he knows he could manipulate easily into giving him something he wants. Maybe it's no different in a way from stranding the crew on the planet. But no one says "hey, that's wrong what he did. You're entitled to respect from the Captain." And I wish someone had.

I recognize this was made in 1966 and I do generally give ST credit within the context within which it was made, but I am a 2020 viewer and the ep certainly hits home given, you know, everything, so... just some thoughts.

Anyway, another thing I was thinking about during the ep was that I feel like I forget that Spock has two "warring halves" b/c he's half human. Because before he put it that way, I was thinking about how the war in him is between his natural Vulcan emotions and his Vulcan teachings. But now I wonder if the whole "Vulcans are super emotional" thing might actually be quite late in the canon, and initially they were intended to be naturally "emotionless.” But basically I don’t actually know how I headcanon the human and Vulcan halves of him interacting... You’d think I would lol but my take in haicg was really... pretty focused on the Vulcanness of him. I guess I thought of the human half as more of a cultural thing because physically, emotionally, psychologically, and physiologically he appears to be primarily Vulcan.

Talking about this more with my mom, it’s making more sense to me... it is cultural and it’s about expectations. He wants to “honor his father’s teachings” and be Vulcan. But he has a whole half, a whole side of his family, with different teachings and beliefs--what to do with them? When he’s around Vulcans, they are obsessed with his human side. When he’s around humans, they see him as fully Vulcan--which is much easier for him and why he seeks them out imo--but it also is a constant ignoring of part of him he feels guilty for ignoring. When McCoy tells him to be more emotional, does a part of him wonder if he should? For his mom? But then... Vulcans don’t choose to be logical for fun. It’s for safety, it’s for survival. So how can he do anything else but follow his father? Who he also doesn’t speak to for 20 years and has a super complicated relationship with! So it’s difficult.

Anyway. That was an emotionally intense experience for this human person. The next ep is Mudd’s Women, one of the weaker S1 offerings, but still a classic as per usual.

[janeykath318]

Broken Shackles 13

Warning: This chapter is rather grim and discusses Jim’s history as a slave. Nothing graphic, but avoid if you need to. 

Jim was having a vid com with his new friend Bones the night before he left Vulcan. He'd spent almost five months there and it had done him a world of good giving him the peace and privacy he needed to heal.  Much as he hated to leave, (especially Spock), he was ready to move on with the next stage of remaking his life. "You ready to do this?" Bones asked. "It's quite a big culture change." "Yeah, Bones, I'm ready. Looking forward to furthering my education. Is Starfleet still ticked at me?" The doctor chuckled. "A little. Now the boneheaded Admirals that wouldn't listen to Pike are busy blaming each other for their lackluster policies that ended up with the son of a hero getting treated like a whore. Your testimony really struck a nerve." "Good." Jim clenched his jaw, feeling torn between irritation and satisfaction. He'd recently videotaped a testimony to aid in Pike's ongoing investigation into the trafficking issue and hadn't held anything back, deciding they didn't deserve to be spared the gory details.

                  ******** "For seven years, I was part of Lady Andromeda's household as her favored sexual "pet." Her husband spoiled her rotten and loved to watch when she had me in her bed. At first, I tried to fight it, but soon learned that only resulted in her trying crazy kinky stuff that was downright scary for a barely 16 year old. Not enjoying being trussed up from the ceiling, blindfolded and gagged, I just gave in the next time so it wouldn't be such a terrifying experience. As a result, I began to loathe my own body for responding the way it did."                       ********* Bones had seen it and called him with a grim expression to say how sickened he was and amazed at Jim's resilience and he'd support him in whatever he chose to do. He'd quit urging Jim to join Starfleet, but shamelessly shared how Pike, Barnett, Boyce and their associates were ready to knock some heads around. "I've never seen Chris on the verge of tears before, but during that video, it was obvious he was gettin' emotional. He really cares about you, Jim, and he hated what happened. Heck, I hate what happened." "You're a good man, Bones, and so is Chris. I'll make sure to keep you updated. Just getting that stuff off my chest has already helped."                               ******* "As a slave on the cattle farm of my second master, it was not uncommon for minor offenses like oversleeping or failing to complete the allotted tasks in time to be punished with 10-25 lashes with a whip. Major infractions, such as running away or stealing food were 30-50. I knew at least five slaves that died of starvation during my three years there."                    ******* "That's good, Jim. By the way, I met someone who says they knew you from your first enslavement. She got free a few years ago and joined up in Engineering. She keeps begging me to ask you if you'd be willing to talk sometime." "Oh, who is she?" Jim asked, wracking his brain for girls he'd met at Andromeda's. "Her name's Gaila, and she's a real fireball. So much energy, it’s dizzying. But maybe that's the pheromones, because she's an Orion." Jim couldn't believe his ears. "Gaila's still alive?? When she was sold to Lahnar I thought she was doomed!! I can't believe it!" Bones was grinning now. "Oh you bet she's still alive, all right. Very much so and she wants to talk to Jimmy, as she called you, as soon as possible." "Well," he said regretfully, "It may have to wait a few days until I'm settled down in my apartment on Betazed, but she's welcome to leave a message on my comm and I'll get back to her as soon as I can. Man, it's good to hear she got out of slavery, too." "Sure is," he agreed. "I'll let you go, now, Jim. Safe travels!" "Thanks Bones. I'll talk to you soon!" Jim looked around his little cool basement room after he'd signed off and thought how homey it had become to him in the last five months. He had little to pack, having arrived in nothing but his rags, and had gone shopping with Amanda for some respectable outfits (replicator clothes were somewhat flimsy). Jim had taken advantage of his inheritance for his schooling costs and was very thankful Pike had had charge of the trust rather than Frank. Still, even with all his purchases, he only needed one suitcase for his clothes, PADD, and other sundry necessities. "I don't know I can ever thank you enough," he told his hosts at dinner the night before he was to leave. "This is just the right sort of place I needed. You've all been so gracious to me, I feel like I'm leaving my family."                             ********* "As slaves, we had an unspoken support system built into protect each other and keep our spirits up. There was a young Andorian who got caught trying to escape and they were going to beat him. I asked if they could punish me instead because 40 lashes would kill him in the condition he was in. The overseer agreed I could take half, but he still had to punish Vrem. It hurt, but Vrem survived, so it was worth the bloody back. I remember we cleaned each other's wounds up afterward and he was so grateful. He asked me why I did it and I told him, "Because you're family."                    ******** Amanda's eyes were moist as she looked at Jim. "We're glad we could help, Jim and we very much consider you a part of our family so I'll be expecting a weekly update." "It is pleasing to see you recovering your health, James," added Sarek. "I wish you continued success in your studies and career. Our home is open to you should you choose to visit again." Spock said nothing, but her dark brown eyes were looking at him with more emotion than usual and she seemed to be very thoughtful. Afterward, he summed up the courage to ask her to come stargaze one last time and she agreed. Amanda gave them a curious look, but said nothing. "I'm going to miss this, Spock." Jim said at last, eyes fixed on the brilliantly starlit sky. "You will miss the stars?" She asked, turning to look at him. "The stars, the sand, the silence, I-Chaya." They smiled at each other at the mention of the fearsome looking pet that had scared Jim when he'd first arrived. The two had become friends and Jim was known to give the Sehlat rubs behind the ear that had him purring in contentment. "But, most of all the people: Your father and mother and most definitely you, Spock." Jim was having a hard time putting his feelings into words, but he gathered his courage up and went on. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a real relationship with my history, but you're the first woman I've met that made me wish I could. I....uh.....really like you, Spock." Good thing it was dark and she couldn't see his face flame at his awkward admission. She was probably repulsed, horrified, grossed out..... "You have feelings of a romantic nature for me?" Spock asked, looking at him intently. "Yes, I do." Jim confessed nervously. "I'm not trying to start something yet, because obviously it's a bad time, but I thought you should know so you could, maybe, think about the possibility?" "How logical of you, Jim. Yes, I will certainly give the matter thought. You are a very kind and intelligent man, despite all your trials and rather aesthetically pleasing as well." He thought he saw her mouth turn up in a smile. "Yes, you will be in my thoughts frequently, James." Well, he thought later as he waited for sleep to take him, there was hope for him, after all. It was nice to be able to feel real attraction again, especially for such an amazing person as Spock.              ********** "No matter how numb you get to the circumstances of your slavery, it leaves you with a deep self-loathing. I hated my own looks for making me so "desirable" to her and I hated her for being able to make me sound so pathetic and....and needy. As a labor slave, they never had to worry about me breaking the no fraternization rule, because by that point, I wasn't letting anyone touch me in any way that remotely reminded me of her and I stifled any hints of attraction I occasionally felt until I couldn't feel it anymore. How in the world can we in the Federation allow that cycle of turning people into objects, whether sexual or unpaid labor, to continue?"                  *********

[trade-baby-blues]

Supernova

Pairing: McKirk

Word Count: 1571

Warnings: Angst, major character death, can’t remember if there’s swears but it’s me so probably 

A/N: I saw a post awhile back that was something like...how Bones dealt with Jim’s death? How he probably checked up on him more and touched him more and I’ve been thinking about it since before I even had this blog so I just really needed to write it lol. Sorry it’s angsty. 

Like people, a star's death can be predicted by its pattern of life. If a star has enough mass after its birth, it will explode as a supernova when it dies, leaving nothing but debris and a black hole behind as it collapses back into itself. Leonard McCoy learned that at Starfleet, but never really understood it until Jocelyn left him and took Joanna with her, leaving him to cave in on himself.

He wandered empty for awhile, trying to fill the gaping hole in his chest with booze until he finally decided to join Starfleet. If he survived the shuttle ride there without having a heart attack, maybe he stood a chance of doing some good in the world again. Looking back, it was the best decision of Leonard’s life. It was how he met Jim.

James Tiberius Kirk was a force unlike any other. He was a star so blinding Leonard found it hard to look him in the eyes sometimes when they first became friends. They were just so warm and so damn blue. Leonard could get lost in them for hours. Leonard knew it was putting a lot on Jim, burying him in details about his divorce and the depression that followed, but for his part Jim was ecstatic to fill in the gaps Jocelyn left behind. He was excited to see Bones on any occasion, although Leonard was often less than happy to see Jim slinking into Medbay skull cracked with that stupid toothy grin on his face. Still, Bones couldn't help but grin himself while Jim recounted the details of whatever fight he’d been in this time.

Leonard McCoy was no stranger to death either. He was a doctor. Death came with the territory. It was always hard for him to lose a patient. The first patient he lost almost made him quit. He wasn't sure if he could keep doing it, but the same day a young girl had come up and thanked him for helping to fix her father’s back so they could play catch again. Every time Leonard thought of quitting, he pictured her family together again because of him. Even if he couldn't keep his own family together he could help others.

He adopted a gruff bedside manner too keep himself distant from patients. It quickly became the talk of most of the small town hospital in Georgia. Patients would come in from across the state to see him for his skills, and nurses would always warn them that Leonard was, well, less than tactful. Most of the time, patients appreciated his no-bullshit approach. Several patients, though, accused him of not caring, and he couldn't find the words to tell them exactly how much he cared. That it ripped his damn heart open every time he got a terminal case. That he’d taken more pro bono cases than he could afford. That he cared so damn much he felt like he was going mad sometimes.

So yes, Leonard McCoy was friends with death. He knew depression, and he liked to think he was strong enough for whatever life could throw at him, but absolutely nothing could have prepared him for Scotty grabbing his shoulder in the middle of the worst medical emergency the Enterprise had seen. Didn't he understand that Leonard had patients?

“Spit it out. I’ve got work to do,” Leonard said, exasperated. He’d been working nonstop for hours and he didn't have time to waste when Scotty couldn't even look him in the eye. He still didn't say anything, merely pointed to a bed with a body bag. That's when things clicked into place for Bones. That's when things started caving in.

Someone else unzipped the bag - his hands were shaking too much. He clenched them in fists at his side, setting his jaw and preparing himself for the worst but even the worst his mind could create wasn't as bad as seeing Jim lying supine on the table. At least someone had the decency to close his eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes that always twinkled with life. Leonard didn't think he’d survive seeing them go cold.

He stared at Jim longer than he should have, memorizing every line on his face, every wrinkle and pock mark he’d never noticed before. He catalogued it knowing full well he should have done it before. He should have known good things don't last around him. He was a sinking ship, crashing and burning. He was a black hole caving in.

When he fell into the chair at his research table, Leonard hardly believed it when the Tribble moved. Told himself it was a hallucination, the grief. But then it moved again. He grabbed his tools faster than ever, studying the creature’s vitals, heart hammering in his chest. When all the scans came back clear, Leonard laughed an honest to god, full belly laugh. He felt like he was going mad. He could do it. He could save Jim.

Putting him in the cryotube was hard, watching his skin go cold and waxy, hearing the empty flatline of the heart monitor all confirming that the last light in Leonard’s sky had gone out.

“But not for long,” he told himself as he dove into his work. It didn't take long to synthesize Khan’s blood into a treatment he thought could fix Jim. M’Benga had tried to stop him, but Leonard wouldn't listen.

“We don't know the risks,” Geoff implored, “It's unsafe, Bones.”

“Don't call me that,” Leonard snapped at him. “And damn the risks Geoff. The man’s already dead. What am I gonna do kill him twice?” With that, he took Jim out of cryofreeze, careful not to touch his skin or even look at him for too long, lest his resolve freeze along with Jim. He began the transfusion and prayed to every god he could think of.

When Jim finally opened his eyes, Leonard was still half convinced he was dreaming. He told Jim to stop being dramatic about something, but Leonard was on autopilot, eyes grazing over every inch of Jim’s body. He noted the waxiness of his skin, the sheen of sweat on Jim’s upper lip, the bags under his eyes - God those big blue eyes. Leonard had to excuse himself after scanning Jim, locking himself in his office as he began to shake. Sob after sob tore from his throat and he dug his palms into his eyes, trying to stop the tears.

Leonard didn't know how long it was before he managed to calm himself down, but as soon as he did he was on his feet, marching into Jim’s room. When he got in, Jim was sitting up, chatting to a nurse with the same toothy grin Leonard had dreamt about the whole time Jim was dead.

“Bones,” Jim called to him. Leonard’s chest tightened, but he stepped into the room, scanning Jim again wordlessly. “Come on, you scanned me 20 minutes ago.”

“Yeah, well given your track record I wouldn't be surprised if you hurt yourself sitting up.”

Jim laughed and Leonard wanted to live in the sound forever. “Glad to see even death didn't change you, Bones.” Leonard wasn't willing to admit to himself how much it actually had.

He checked in on Jim far too much, especially considering M’Benga kept trying to take him off the case. Leonard was too close to Jim and shouldn't have been working on him after the remedy worked, he knew that. Of course he knew that. That didn't mean Leonard could stay away, though. He tried at first, he really did - even went so far as going back to his office to take a nap. He woke up with a screaming, picturing Khan with his hands wrapped around Jim’s throat in the biobed, squeezing the life out of those blue eyes while the heart monitor beeped away until it faded into a flatline, a wordless droning that filled every inch of Leonard’s head as he sprinted out of his office back to Jim’s room. Leonard’s hands shook as he waved the tricorder over Jim’s sleeping figure. He pressed his fingers to the side of Jim’s wrist gently, not satisfied until he felt Jim’s pulse for himself.

After that, he checked on Jim at least once an hour, always with a physical exam. He put his fingers on Jim’s wrist to feel his pulse. A stethoscope under the cotton hospital gown to hear his heartbeat. Even when M’Benga cleared Jim to leave, Leonard insisted on giving him one last physical. Leonard told himself it was part of his own recovery, that the more he touched Jim the more he would believe he was actually real, but half a year later and they were on the Enterprise again, floating through deep space, and Leonard still gave Jim physicals. He was careful to bump knees with him in the conference room or squeeze Jim’s shoulder when they were in his quarters drinking. He still had nightmares about Jim dying, looking at him with glassy eyes that didn't see anything anymore. He could still feel the clammy, rubbery skin that came with death. Leonard had enough self control to wait until the next morning when these dreams woke him in the dead of night, but he’d almost always beat Jim to his chair the next day, tricorder out and waiting. Hands eager to feel the pulse that kept Leonard grounded.

Tags: 

I didn’t know who to tag since this wasn’t a reader insert?? Sorry if you didn’t want to be tagged just lmk I’ll take you off!

@outside-the-government (also i promise I’m still working on I Told You So pt 2 and I will post it one day. I have two ideas for it right now and I’m having trouble choosing between the two lol)

@martinawalker @thevalesofanduin @goingknowherewastaken @yourtropegirl @trekken81 @feelmyroarrrr @yukki-art @atari-writes @pabegay1