#and we get to return to this hellhole. we had no internet today: none. god knows why. no power for 4 hours
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sigh
#TMI warning#tags are a whole mess :/#I don't want to go on this trip anymore. the dynamics are whack out of order#and if I say anything about it it's me /not coping well/ and /being selfish/. bc we can't risk upsetting him. I know he has it hard too.#I'm not discounting that this trip will be awful in a different way for him. But at the end of the day he gets to go home and forget#forget how much idk. that's up to him ig#and we get to return to this hellhole. we had no internet today: none. god knows why. no power for 4 hours#no quality assurance: the toothpaste is rotting our teeth#no public pest control: I've got bites that we can't identify from falling into an unmarked half-finished road repair#and the fever i got from them just went away. after a week. and nobody could do anything bc antipyretics are in short supply#I don't want to play nice anymore :) bc he doesn't understand and making him understand would be mortifying#showing him how desperate his former partner's family really is. we'll need to borrow his credit card to do essential shopping#while on our so-called fun and games trip#bc we can't take much money out of the country and they don't accept IR cards there. so.#we'll be buying fucking toothpaste and underwear using his card and /paying him back/ using my aunt's money#which he holds#it's all so fucking sordid and degrading#soul-crushing#vent#.txt#idk if I should be posting this#esp to main... maybe we'll shunt it to the vent blog#esp esp bc I'm hurting and it's 3AM and I'll regret it in the morning probably#but what I wouldn't give for one person to understand it all and not turn away from me in embarrassment#what I wouldn't give to feel able to crawl out of this mess. worthy of crawling out of it. even if it was make-believe for a moment.#really bad post J. really really bad. I still want to post it.
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