#and vice versa - I've given books that then I couldn't get back

[thelaurenshippen]

Hello, The Lauren Shippen! I'm a long time fan, first time caller...

I've been listening to The Bright Sessions for the past 11 days, for the first time in 7 years. (I've also listened to the first two episodes of New Year's Day!)

Back in my early days of discovering my love and obsession toward audio dramas, (a decade ago?! 🫨), I was so delighted to have The Bright Sessions recommended to me by a now-estranged ex-best-friend's ex-boyfriend.

He also recommended I watch the show Shameless, and accompanied me to my first show seeing my favorite band, The Mountain Goats. He once came over to my place and built a Christmas tree out of my books with me. I maintain to this day, more than any other friend I'd had in my early 20s, he had fantastic taste in great stories full of complex and desperately human characters. I'm grateful to him, in any case. I think I would have found you anyway, as immersed as I've been in brilliant fiction podcasts, but he certainly sped along that process.

I have since also listened to all of Bridgewater twice. I know I'll eventually make my way to Breaker Whiskey and the sundry other projects you've made and been a part of.

But this message is particularly about episode 50 of The Bright Sessions, Rose, which I listened to tonight as I went through the process of making my dinner.

Thank you, so much, for your characters and their various flaws. All of these gorgeous songs broke my heart all over again on the relisten - and honestly, it was probably even harder this time around. I've lived in 5 different places and traveled through what has felt like a life's worth of personal growth and relationships changing. I even have a more special relationship to episode 49's feature presentation, Singing In The Rain. I wish Rose could help me spin my dreams into anything quite so cathartic or self-revealing, especially if she could make my voice sound as nice as all of your actors, yourself quite included. I wish I couldn't say that I understand and empathize with Mark now better than ever.

I took my mother-in-law to a local bookstore for the first time 3 days ago and just happened to find The Infinite Noise there, so of course I bought it. And Frank's character arc and storyline became relevant and poignant at the same time I was reading my second-ever comic series, and discussing it with a friend.

It seems like that happens to me, repeated synchronicities, as if the Universe is trying to instill me with themes. As your friend and fellow storymaker Gabriel Urbina asks over and over in his podcast Unseen, my experiences with fantastic audio dramas always seem to echo "Are you paying attention?"

Thank you, for helping me pay attention. Thank you for every intersection I've ever gotten to have both with, and because of, your stories. Thank you for helping me cry so much listening to this episode after days of desperately needing to. ❤️ Thank you for all the ways your words have helped me see myself more clearly.

Whether or not you publish this, or even read this, I hope you often hear, and really believe, how appreciated and necessary you and your stories are.

wow. thank you so so so much for this message. it is so beautiful and moving and you have me tearing up on a tuesday morning! where do I even start?

I'm really glad you've found TBS again after so long (and that you've listened to NYD and Bridgewater!!). it continues to knock me over that it's been a decade of audio drama for me, and knowing that I made something that people revisit means the world to me. every now and then I'll go deep into a fandom I was active in years and years ago and there's something particularly special about doing that.

I also so relate to the ex-best-friend's ex-boyfriend thing because I've had so many people come in and out of my life and leave big impressions or introduce me to something that ends up being crucially important. it's really strange when those pieces of art linger when the person doesn't, but I also think one of the neatest parts of life is that you don't need to know someone for a long time or in a particularly deep way to have them make an impact on you.

thank you for all your incredibly kind words about the musical episode!!! it's still one of things I'm proudest of making - it's SO rare that you have an idea, a big idea no less, and then actually execute it the way you want. there's always a gap between what you want to make and what you're capable of making, but that episode is the smallest that gap has ever been for me. so it means a lot when other people love it too.

I love all this synchronicity in your life, that's always such a special, cool feeling. and thank you for buying TIN! I don't know that anyone has ever thanked me in this particular way before (and gosh, I love a good Urbina reference) and I'm really grateful to you for it. and thank you for helping me pay attention - I think sometimes, when I'm not actively putting something out, I get discouraged and detached from the fact that my art is out there and people can interact with it. you've helped me feel more connected, and I can't thank you enough for that.

I hope the universe continues to surprise you in the best ways <3

[aishangotome]

Azel Radwan: Chapter 3

Chapter 2

Thank you @shatcey for providing the video for this chapter!

♡———♡

Azel: Good evening. I've been wanting to see you, you know?

When I came to, I was here again.

In this rose garden full of buds, there’s a man with an otherworldly appearance, resting his hand on an oak table.

I have a strange feeling like this has happened before, or maybe it hasn't.

(Somehow, only the presence of this Living God feels strangely vivid.)

Emma: ...A dream, right?

Azel: Oh? There's no way to prove which is the dream and which is reality.

Azel: Human wisdom hasn't progressed enough to unravel the mysteries of dreams.

Azel: It's possible that you being here is actually reality, and vice versa.

(I kind of understand, but I kind of don't.)

Azel: By the way, are you good at cooking?

Suddenly switching from a mystical topic to a realistic one, it took me a while to grasp the meaning.

Emma: I wouldn't say I'm good at it, but I can make decent food.

Azel: That's good. Actually, I've been interested in the local cuisine of Rhodolite.

Emma: ...Why are you suddenly bringing this up?

Azel: Because I know what will happen in the future.

Azel: When the time comes, you'll understand my intentions.

(It's hard to believe, but I guess that's how Gods are.)

Azel: By the way, I haven't had dinner today.

Emma: Eh? Are you feeling unwell?

Azel: No, it's due to various circumstances.

Azel: You're supposed to be a kind-hearted woman. You wouldn't do something cruel like leave a God on the verge of starvation, would you?

Emma: ...Rather than a prophecy, it feels like you're blatantly pressuring me to "come and cook for you."

Azel: Not at all, not at all. I'm just telling you that I prefer hearty meals to sweets, but I have no ulterior motives.

(I feel like there's nothing but ulterior motives.)

Azel: Besides, "you" over there hardly remembers what happened here.

Azel: There's no point in pressuring you, is there?

Prince Azel smiles mercifully – and the world begins to distort.

Azel: Ah, I'm looking forward to it.

Azel: –– ...I just happened to need a slave.

-

I woke up with a start, drawn by the light, and found myself in the guest room that had been given to me yesterday.

(I think I had another dream.)

(...It was a dream with the Living God in it.)

As usual, my memories crumbled away.

What remained today was the puzzling information "hearty meals, not sweets," and a chilling, inexplicable pounding of my heart.

(It wasn't a nightmare, but... how strange.)

-

Emma: There's something I've been wondering about...

Emma: Owner, what's that?

The city surrounding Tanzanite Castle was even more lively than Rhodolite.

The reason was obvious; everywhere I looked, there were tourists who seemed to have come from foreign countries.

Some people were enjoying food bought from stalls, while others were browsing souvenir shops selling pottery and textiles, which were local specialties. But what drew the most attention was the statue of the Living God, sitting majestically in the center of the city.

(I only passed by yesterday, so I couldn't get a good look at it...)

(Looking at it now, it's a spitting image of the real thing.)

Akatsuki: It's a tourist attraction. It's famous as a power spot where wishes come true.

Emma: Ah, that's why so many people are praying.

Akatsuki: You want to go too?

Emma: No... I'll pass.

(My wish is "to fall in love," so somehow I feel like I shouldn't pray to this statue.)

(...Really, it's just a feeling.)

Emma: So, what are we doing today?

Akatsuki: We're delivering an item that was requested.

Emma: So the Living God wasn't your only client?

Akatsuki: I have about 100 business partners in Tanzanite.

(That many...?)

Akatsuki: Sometimes I sell books, sometimes I exchange them for other books.

Akatsuki: Watch and learn.

Emma: Yes! I'll do my best to learn.

(This is completely different from looking after the shop. I have to work hard.)

Renewing my determination, I chased after the Owner's back as he walked ahead.

But I soon stopped in my tracks.

Akatsuki: ...Seems like something's happening.

Emma: ...!

The crowd gathered a short distance away was different from the others; they were buzzing with commotion.

Thanks to the Tanzanite soldiers, people were already starting to disperse, but through the thinning crowd, I could see a man with a swollen face.

Emma: He's badly injured. Was it a fight?

???: Something like that. It's been happening a lot lately.

(Ah, that voice...)

When I turned around, I saw Basil carrying a large amount of luggage, and Kamal, whose beauty, as always, was attracting attention.

Basil: I suspect a diviner misread the divine oracle.

Emma: What do you mean?

Basil: Divination in Tanzanite is considered to be the interpretation of the divine oracle, which reads the will of God from the stars.

Basil: Since Prince Azel is a God himself, his words directly become divine oracles...

Basil: Diviners are required to be skilled in how well they can interpret the will of God.

(Speaking of which...)

*flashback*

Azel: The basis of divination in our country is astrology.

Emma: Astrology...?

Azel: It's what you call astrology. What's popular here is unique to Tanzanite.

*back to present*

(Unique, so that's what he meant.)

Basil: However, it seems that many diviners have been misinterpreting the divine oracle lately...

Basil: Customers who are angry about the blasphemy against God sometimes lash out like that.

It was a logic I couldn't understand.

(I think divination is something that can be right sometimes and wrong sometimes.)

Emma: ...Are mistakes not allowed?

Basil: Well, divination is something that can change a person's life.

Basil: In this country, to call yourself a divinator, you need to have a certain level of resolution or preparedness.

(I guess I don't understand because I'm from another country.)

Basil: The idea that Prince Azel's thoughts are something that a mere divinator can read is preposterous.

I felt a shadow fall over Basil's face as he pushed up his glasses.

(Basil also has something on his mind, and that's dangerous!)

As he touched his glasses, the balance of his luggage was disrupted, and the Owner supported it with a speed invisible to the eye.

Basil: Oh dear, I'm so sorry! Thank you very much.

Akatsuki: Don't mind it. But, is this for a feast?

(I thought so too.)

The contents of Basil's luggage were a large quantity of groceries.

It was such an amount that it seemed difficult even to walk while looking ahead, and at least I wouldn't be able to carry it.

Basil: No, it's just an errand.

Basil: It certainly feels like there's more than usual, but I'm sure there's some noble reason for it.

("Noble reason" means it's an errand for Prince Azel, right?)

Only Basil was running the errand; Kamal was empty-handed.

When our eyes met, his long, beautiful fingers pulled out a letter.

The envelope was presented to the Owner.

Akatsuki: An additional order?

The Owner, who opened the seal on the spot, furrowed his brow at the letter he took out.

Emma: ...What's wrong?

Akatsuki: It says they found a clue to the book I was looking for.

Akatsuki: ...But it's suspicious.

Emma: Isn't that a good thing?

Akatsuki: If they were willing to tell me like this, they could have told me yesterday.

Akatsuki: Yet they deliberately contacted me later. And they're telling me to come and get the clue.

(...Indeed, I wonder if there's some intention behind it.)

Basil: Well, Prince Azel also apologized for that.

Basil: He said, "I accidentally forgot to tell you."

Akatsuki: .............

Akatsuki: In the first place, I don't have time to go get it for a while.

(I'm sure he has appointments to meet with his clients after this.)

(...But I think the information about the book is something the Owner desperately wants...)

(It might be rude to refuse the goodwill of a God.)

(Alright, this is where the assistant comes in.)

I raise my hand and volunteer to the Owner, who has a grim expression on his face.

Emma: Shall I go and get it?

-

Azel: My apologies… I am truly sorry.

Prince Azel warmly welcomed me when I visited his residence with Basil and Kamal, after parting ways with the Owner.

The way he emerged from the building with such perfect timing, as if he had foreseen everything, made me truly believe that he possesses some extraordinary power.

Azel: Thank you for your hard work, you two. Please bring the luggage inside.

Basil was frozen with his eyes sparkling, saying "H-huh..." Kamal grabbed him and pulled him inside.

(Now it's just the two of us.)

Emma: I've come on behalf of the Owner. I heard that you would give me a clue about the book...

Azel: Yes. I will give you a map.

Prince Azel turns his back to me and starts walking.

His eyes urge me to "follow me," so I follow him, but he's fast.

(Are his legs long, or is he just unusually fast...!)

I desperately chase after him, and as I follow Prince Azel through the uniquely shaped entrance---

Emma: ………… Huh?

I stop involuntarily, blink a few times, and pinch my cheeks.

It hurt like normal.

Azel: What's wrong?

Emma: No...

(Wh... what's going on here!?)

It was a shock, as if I had stepped into another world.

Unlike the weathered exterior walls, the interior was so neatly maintained that it didn't feel like it had 1000 years of history, and there was no sign of the precariousness that made it seem like it was about to collapse.

It's hard to say it was a brand new building, but the description of a "castle" truly suited it.

(I initially thought it was a solitary castle in the desert, and maybe I wasn't far off.)

Emma: The atmosphere is quite different from the exterior.

Azel: Of course, I can't just live in a 1000-year-old building as it is.

Azel: It's under major renovation right now.

Azel: The right side is mostly finished with renovations, so there's no problem, but the left side has partially collapsed.

Azel: If you happen to walk around here, never go to the left side.

Azel: If you do happen to enter it–

Emma: ...If I do?

Azel: Hehe.

(I'll be careful not to accidentally wander in there.)

Azel: Please be careful where you step.

Prince Azel goes up the stairs and proceeds to the right.

While chasing after him at a running pace, I casually glance to the left, and even though the sun should be directly overhead, it seems like a dim darkness lingers there.

(...I wonder if it's because the renovations aren't finished yet.)

After passing through the entrance hall, there's a corridor, which is also beautifully repaired.

At the end of the corridor where Prince Azel strode purposefully, there was a door.

Azel: Now, please come in.

Even though I was out of breath, I entered through the open door without a shred of suspicion... and found myself not in a guest room, but a kitchen.

(...Why?)

In the tidy room, the large amount of luggage that Basil had been carrying was carelessly placed. As I picked up a fruit that had rolled out of a bag, question marks popped up in my mind one after another.

Emma: Prince Azel... is the map in the kitchen?

Azel: Of course not, you idiot.

(!?)

(What? I just heard him speak like a different person...)

The door slams shut.

Prince Azel leaned against the closed door, blocking my escape route, and the corners of his mouth lifted.

Azel: Now, it's time for collection.

Emma: C-collection?

Azel: Here you go.

A letter, seemingly produced from thin air, is thrust in front of me.

Emma: This is...

I rub my eyes and look again.

No matter how many times I look at it, I can only read it as a "divination fee invoice."

Moreover, the numbers lined up on it were of an exorbitant amount that I had never seen before.

Emma: ...Is this addressed to me?

Azel: Yes, it's addressed to you.

Emma: I'm sorry, but I don't recall this.

Azel: Don't tell me you thought a God's divination was free?

Emma: ...Eh?

Azel: Wow, how rude. Don't underestimate me, okay?

(The divination from yesterday, it wasn't free!?)

I hurriedly pulled myself together as my senses started to fade.

Emma: But you said it was a thank you gift...!

Azel: There are many people who want to receive my divination but can't.

Azel: The thank you gift is the "right to receive divination."

Emma: You didn't say a word about that!

Azel: Well, it's common sense.

Emma: I don't know any such common sense!

Azel: Don't blame your ignorance on me.

(This is a scammer's tactic!?)

The me of yesterday, who thought he was a merciful and kind God – it seems I was seeing an illusion.

(Maybe this is his true nature.)

*flashback*

Clavis: But it's surprising. You're the current "Belle," and you're good at seeing through people's true nature, right?

Clavis: ...No, that's not right. Or rather, is it that impression precisely because you "saw through" it?

Clavis: Hmm, very interesting. I wonder if it's me who's seeing the illusion, or you.

*back to present*

(–That's what he meant. How pathetic of me, even though I'm Belle.)

Azel: Ah, but please rest assured. I'm not so cruel as to say "pay now."

Azel: We have two payment methods available: cash or labor.

(I can't feel assured at all.)

Azel: You don't seem to have any money, do you?

Azel: To repay this amount, you'll have to work like a slave...

Azel: Good luck.

His benevolent smile fueled my anger.

(Everyone's been deceived.)

(This person is not a merciful God at all. Rather...)

Emma: You, evil God!

Azel: Oh my, are those insults? As expected, a foreign girl is quite spirited.

Azel: But you see...

As I glared at him, Prince Azel grabbed my chin with his large hand–

Azel: Shall I show you what happens if you defy me?

.

.

.

Letter

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[philistiniphagottini]

I saw your request post nd I was like SAY LESS 😭😭😭😭

Would you be interested in a Persona 3 Makoto x gn reader oneshot on what they would do for reader's birthday? Or vice versa for Makoto's birthday instead

Much appreciated 😜😜😜 LOVE YOU

Thank you for the request Anon, I'm so happy you asked for Persona I've been itching to write something. This idea was really cute and I couldn't stop myself from writing. I hope you enjoy, love you too Anon 😘

cw. fluff, minors DO NOT interact

You’ve never been to a dessert bar before. But when one opened up just outside of Paulownia mall, you were just dying to go and try it out. The waiting list for the new store was ridiculous but you were willing to put up with a lot just to have a chance to try the extravagant dessert menu. So, by the time your birthday rolled around, your boyfriend had already booked well in advance a reservation for two.

You had arrived to the venue much earlier than anticipated and you were immediately shown to your table, where you sat and eagerly awaited for your boyfriend to arrive. Your heart fluttered wildly in your chest as you continued to check your phone, constantly flipping up the screen to check the time. You could not stop fidgeting, your leg beginning to bounce under the table as your hands constantly itched with the urge to fiddle with things. You didn’t seem to care what it was. The menu, your phone, a small wisp of hair that stubbornly tickled your cheek no matter how many times you tucked it back behind your ear. You wore nice, simple clothes for your date, nothing too fancy or over the top. Just clothes you were comfortable wearing on a warm, autumn day.

You flipped up your phone screen once more, fingers rapidly pressing the buttons as you dragged up the last message that your boyfriend sent to you. All it read was: "See you soon." You couldn’t help the smile that tugged at the corners of your lips as you read it over and over again, butterflies erupting in the pit of your stomach as you continued to think about your beloved. How long had you both known each other? You remembered the first day you met like it had just happened yesterday. Your mind slowly started to drift from this plane of existence as you reminisced, the soft talking of the other patrons filling the small, humble shop becoming a distant drone in your ears. Since you became so lost in your own thoughts, you failed to realise when there was someone standing right behind you.

You were completely caught off guard, your thoughts snapping back to reality when every hair on the nape of your neck stood up and alerted you to the presence behind you. Your spine rattled with chills when their warm breath hit the shell of your ear and they spoke two simple, soft words.

"Happy Birthday."

You inhaled sharply, a scream lodged in your throat as every muscle in your body tensed and you whipped your head around. You almost fell out of your chair and if it wasn’t for Makoto’s quick thinking of grabbing the back of the chair to steady it, you would have toppled to the floor. Your eyes were wide but the sudden panic you had felt was immediately doused when you realised who it was leaning over the back of your chair. You took a deep breath, trying to dislodge your heart from your throat as an irritated sigh fell from your parted lips.

"Makoto, you scared the shit out of me" you softly hissed.

Amusement sparkled in the depths of Makoto’s eyes as he gave your arm a firm squeeze, fingers rubbing along your skin in a soothing motion as a silent apology. No matter how many times this same occurrence happened, you didn’t think you could get used to it. Makoto moved like a wraith. He was completely silent, never alerting anyone to his presence. Given his quiet nature, it only made his ability to seemingly appear out of thin air even worse.

You leaned into his touch as he gave your shoulder another firm squeeze, your eyes flicking up to his face as you began to ponder. You only just realised that he had said something to you before he scared the ever-loving daylights out of you. You gently tugged on the sleeve of his dress shirt, peering up at him with curious eyes.

"Say it again."

Makoto leaned closer to you, the tips of his fingers leaving a trail of fire in their wake as they brushed against your burning cheek and tucked a lock of hair behind your ear. A small smile tilted his lips as he pressed his lips to the shell of your ear once more, his voice barely above a husky whisper as he spoke to you and you alone.

"Happy Birthday" he repeated.

If anyone were to look in your direction, they would probably be witnessing you spontaneously combusting right about now. You awkwardly cleared your throat as heat made the tips of your ears burn red hot. A shy smile played on your lips, tongue wetting your dry lips before you spoke.

"Thank you, Makoto. Please sit down before people start staring."

It was hard for you to hide your flustered expression and Makoto was more than willing to spare you from your suffering. He slid into the chair across from you, eyes only briefly flickering around the room as he let the atmosphere of the dessert bar sink in. It took you a moment to regain control of your senses, your face still lingering with traces of warmth even as your heart settled back into place. You picked up the menu once more, eager to order and begin eating your way through the entire dessert menu.

"I’m starving" you remarked. "I think I’m gonna order. Have a look and let me know-"

Your voice suddenly tapered off when you felt something push against your hand. You peered over the menu you were holding to spy Makoto had slid a small little jewellery box across the table and was currently pushing it against your hand. An expectant look crossed his features as his gaze darted between you and the small box. A smile tugged at your lips.

"You want me to open my present first?"

Makoto nodded in response. You placed the menu back to the table, pushing it to the side as you clapped your hands together with a giddy expression. Elation made your blood simmer in your veins as you picked up the beautifully wrapped gift, your mind racing at the possibilities of what it could be as you gently tugged on the delicate bow string wrapped neatly around the box. You slowly peeled the lid back, your curious eyes growing wide when you see what lay inside. You were left completely speechless at the sight of a thin, silver bracelet, intricate patterns engraved on the surface and a single pendant dangling from the jewellery. You tentatively picked it up, admiring how it shimmered under the light as your eyes traced over every detail. Upon closer inspection of the pendent, you realised that your initials were engraved on one side and Makoto’s was on the other.

You swallowed around the lump in your dry throat, tears welling up in your eyes. You couldn’t recall someone giving you such a thoughtful gift before in your life.

"I…don’t know what to say" you admitted. "Thank you. I love it."

Your fingers struggled to undo the clasp. Your hands wouldn’t stop shaking, your heart and soul touched with how thoughtful of a gift you had just received. Makoto gently placed his hands over your shaking one, plucking the bracelet out of your grasp as he undid the clasp for you. You held out your hand, letting him slide it around your wrist and fasten it again. The pendant rested against the sensitive pulse of your wrist, the cool metal touching heated skin and a constant reminder that it was resting there. You threaded your fingers with his, squeezing his hands so hard your nails left imprints behind in his knuckles. Makoto smiled softly as he squeezed back. You could sit all evening, just staring lovingly into his gorgeous eyes with a lovestruck look painting your face. But your stomach had the audacity to remind you to eat. You reluctantly let go of Makoto’s hands, sniffling away your tears as you pushed the menu towards him.

"Pick" you gently urged.

Makoto silently picked up the menu and started to flip through the pages.

"Take your time" you said. "Although, we probably shouldn’t take too long. Wouldn’t want to miss the surprise party Iwatodai Dorm is throwing me."

Makoto paused as he was flipping a page. He peered at you over the menu as he cocked his head slightly to the side, a quizzical quirk to his eyebrow. You chuckled softly as you leaned further back in your chair.

"I overheard Junpei and Yukari talking last night" you supplied.

Makoto sighed softly with a shake of his head. It was supposed to be a secret. One of Makoto’s jobs for the day was to keep you busy and away from the dorm for a few hours while everyone else got everything set up. Well, looks like that idea just flew straight out of the window. His attention went back to you when you giggled softly, a smile on your face and a little mischievous glint in your eyes.

"Don’t worry, I’ll act surprised."

[captorations]

just saw someone criticize tlt for having too many epithets and. that is. the worst take i have seen in a long time. tell me you have fanfic brain poisoning without telling me you have fanfic brain poisoning.

look, i'm firmly on the side of being careful with epithets. it's actually a pet peeve of mine. seeing people repeatedly referred to by their hair colors or race or other physical descriptors is the fastest way to get me to close a book or hit the back button on a fic, far more so than grammatical errors or the like. that's not because of the epithets, but because of how they're being misused.

it is possible to use epithets just for variety, but that should be kept to an absolute minimum. a far more valid use of epithets is to draw attention to traits which are currently relevant. if one character is being manhandled by another, referring to the former as the smaller one, or the latter as the larger one, or even vice versa depending on context, is an excellent form of imagery. but that's a relatively pedestrian use. effective and useful, but not necessarily powerful; not phrases you can build stories around.

but you can build stories around epithets, because the best possible use of epithets in fiction is to tell you what the pov character is thinking, or not thinking, without saying it directly. it's one of the most powerful methods of showing rather than telling.

the first time gideon calls harrow "her necromancer" in tlt is crucial. it's blink-and-you-miss-it, but it marks the first time gideon sees harrow as hers. which is both negative, in that it's possessive, and positive, in that it means she actually fucking cares! which before then, and for a good long while after, she couldn't consciously admit to herself, much less harrow!

for the record, gideon first calls harrow her necromancer after having spent days wrestling with herself over whether she should care about harrow being apparently missing, wavering back and forth before giving in and searching for her, and eventually finding her unconscious because harrow is a moron who kept working until she passed out in a haunted basement. gideon calls harrow her necromancer as she is carrying her, having confirmed that she is unharmed but dehydrated and having just seen her briefly struggle back to consciousness for the express purpose of bitching at someone.

every time it is used thereafter, it carries the weight of every time it has been said previously. the necromancer-cavalier dynamic in the world of tlt is fascinating, both on a conceptual level and in every example we are given. hell, it's the closest thing their society has to gender roles, but that's another essay, and a very pretentious one i have no intention of writing.

tlt is a master class in using epithets correctly. again, if you're just so fucking sick of epithets being misused in fanwork, i get it. i'm right there with you. but epithets are not inherently bad, no more than alliteration is, or goddamn semicolons.

on the other hand, if the person meant the silly nicknames gideon keeps giving harrow, then i'm even more baffled. at that point you just have no taste or sense of humor. but as a rule i prefer to turn venting into lectures that are potentially helpful to others; it's not like i've tagged the person who i saw do this, i'm not here to start a fight.

anyway. to summarize. epithets used randomly to replace calling people by their names: generally bad. epithets used to create imagery or remind the reader of details relevant to the situation: good, useful. epithets used to show changes in perspective and show rather than tell: fucking excellent.

[soundsfaebutokay]

So I've recc'd this video before, but it deserves its own post because it's one of my favorite things on youtube. It's a Tedx Talk by comics writer, editor, and journalist Jay Edidin, and I really think that it will connect with a lot of people here.

If you live and breathe stories of all kinds, you might like this.

If you care about media representation, you might like this.

If you're neurodivergent, you might like this.

If you're interested in a gender transition story that veers from the norm, you might like this.

If you love the original Leverage and especially Parker, and understand how important it is that a character like her exists, you will definitely like this.

Transcript below the cut:

You Are Here: The Cartography of Stories

by Jay Edidin

I am autistic. And what this means in practice is that there are some things that are easier for me than they are for most people, and a great many things that are somewhat harder, and these affect my life in more or less overt ways. As it goes, I'm pretty lucky. I've been able to build a career around special interests and granular obsession. My main gig at the moment is explaining superhero comics continuity and publishing history for which work I am somehow paid in actual legal currency—which is both a triumph of the frivolous in an era of the frantically pragmatic, and a job that's really singularly suited to my strengths and also to my idiosyncrasies.

I like comics. I like stories in general, because they make sense to me in ways that the rest of the world and my own mind often don't. Self-knowledge is not an intuitive thing for me. What sense of self I have, I've built gradually and laboriously and mostly through long-term pattern recognition. For decades, I didn't even really have a self-image. If you'd asked me to draw myself, I would eventually have given you a pair of glasses and maybe a very messy scribble of hair, and that would've been about it. But what I do know—backwards, forwards, and in pretty much every way that matters—are stories. I know how they work. I understand their language, their complex inner clockwork, and I can use those things to extrapolate a sort of external compass that picks up where my internal one falls short. Stories—their forms, their structure, the sense of order inherent to them—give me the means to navigate what otherwise, at least for me, would be an impassable storm of unparsable data. Or stories are a periscope, angled to access the parts of myself I can't intuitively see. Or stories are a series of mirrors by which I can assemble a composite sketch of an identity I rarely recognize whole...which is how I worked out that I was transgender, in my early thirties, by way of a television show.

This is my story. And it's about narrative cartography, and representation, and why those things matter. It's about autism and it's about gender and it's about how they intersect. And it's about the kinds of people we know how to see, and the kinds of people we don't. It's not the kind of story that gets told a lot, you might hear a lot, because the narrative around gender transition and dysphoria in our culture is really, really prescriptive. It's basically the story of the kid who has known for their whole life that they're this and not that, and that story demands the kind of intuitive self-knowledge that I can't really do, and a kind of relationship to gender that I don't really have—which is part of why it took me so long to figure my own stuff out.

So, to what extent this story, my story has a beginning, it begins early in 2014 when I published an essay titled, "I See Your Value Now: Asperger's and the Art of Allegory." And it explored, among other things, the ways that I use narrative and narrative structures to navigate real life. And it got picked up in a number of fairly prominent places that got linked, and I casually followed the ensuing discussion. And I was surprised to discover that readers were fairly consistently assuming I was a man. Now, that in itself wasn't a new experience for me, even though at the time I was writing under a very unambiguously female byline. It had happened in the letter columns of comics I'd edited. It had happened when a parody Twitter account I'd created went viral. When I was on staff at Wired, I budgeted for fancy scotch by putting a dollar in a box every time a reader responded in a way that made it clear they were assuming I was a man in response to an article where my name was clearly visible, and then I had to stop doing that because it happened so often I couldn't afford to keep it up. But in all of those cases, the context, you know, the reasons were pretty obvious. The fields I'd worked in, the beats I covered, they were places where women had had to fight disproportionally hard for visibility and recognition. We live in a culture that assumes a male default, so given a neutral voice and a character limit, most readers will assume a male author.

But this was different, because this wasn't just a book I'd edited, it wasn't a story I'd reported—it was me, it was my story. And it made me uncomfortable, got under my skin in ways that the other stuff really hadn't. And so I did what I do when that happens, and I tried to sort of reverse-engineer it to look at the conclusions and peel them back to see the narratives behind them and the stories that made them tick. And I started this, I started this by going back to the text of the essay, and you know, examining it every way I could think of: looking at craft, looking at content. And in doing so, I was surprised to realize that while I had written about a number of characters with whom I identified closely, that every single one of those characters I'd written about was male. And that surprised me even more than the responses to the essay had, because I've spent my career writing and talking and thinking about gender and representation in popular media. In 2014, I'd been the feminist gadfly of an editorial department and multiple mastheads. I'd been a founding board member of an organization that existed to advocate for more and better representation of women and girls in comics characters and creators. And most of my favorite characters, the ones I'd actively seek out and follow, were women. Just not, apparently, the characters I saw myself in.

Now I still didn't realize it was me at this point. Remember: self-knowledge, not very intuitive for me. And while I had spent a lot of time thinking about gender, I'd never really bothered to think much about my own. I knew academically that the way other people read and interpreted my gender affected and had influenced a lifetime of social and professional interactions, and that those in turn had informed the person I'd grown up into during that time. But I really believed, like I just sort of had in the back of my head, that if you peeled away all of that social conditioning, you'd basically end up with what I got when I tried to draw a self-portrait. So: a pair of glasses, messy scribble of hair, and in this case, maybe also some very strong opinions about the X-Men. I mean, I knew something was off. I'd always known something was off, that my relationship to gender was messy and uncomfortable, but gender itself struck me as messy and uncomfortable, and it had never been a large enough part of how I defined myself to really feel like something that merited further study, and I had deadlines, and...so it was always on the back burner. So, I looked, I looked at what I had, at this improbable group of exclusively male characters. And I looked and I figured that if this wasn't me, then it had to be a result of the stories I had access to, to choose from, and the entertainment landscape I was looking at. And the funny thing is, I wasn't wrong, exactly. I just wasn't right either.

See, the characters I'd written about had one other significant trait in common aside from their gender, which is that they were all more or less explicitly, more or less heavily coded as autistic. And I thought, "Ah, yes. This explains it. This is under representation in fiction echoing under representation in life and vice versa." Because the characteristics that I'd honed in on, that I particularly identified with in these guys, were things like emotional unavailability and social awkwardness and granular obsession, and all of those are characteristics that are seen as unsympathetic and therefore unmarketable in female characters. Which is also why readers were assuming that I was a man.

Because, you see, here's the thing. I'm not the only one who uses stories to navigate the world. I'm just a little more deliberate about it. For humans, stories formed the bridge between data and understanding. They're where we look when we need to contextualize something new, or to recognize something we're pretty sure we've seen before. They're how we identify ourselves; they're how we locate ourselves and each other in the larger world. There were no fictional women like me; there weren't representations of women like me in media, and so readers were primed not to recognize women like me in real life either.

Now by this point, I had started writing a follow-up essay, and this one was also about autism and narratives, but specifically focused on how they intersected with gender and representation in media. And in context of this essay, I went about looking to see if I could find even one female character who had that cluster of traits I'd been looking for, and I was asking around in autistic communities. And I got a few more or less useful one-off suggestions, and some really, really splendid arguments about semantics and standards, and um...then I got one answer over and over and over in community after community after community. "Leverage," people told me. "You have to watch Leverage."

So I watched Leverage. Leverage is five seasons of ensemble heist drama. It's about a team of very skilled con artists who take down corrupt and powerful plutocrats and the like, and it's a lot of fun, and it's very clever, and it's clever enough that it doesn't really matter that it's pretty formulaic, and I enjoyed it a lot. But what's most important, what Leverage has is Parker.

Parker is a master thief, and she is the best of the best of the best in ways that all of Leverage's characters are the best of the best. And superficially, she looks like the kind of woman you see on TV. So she's young, and she's slender, and she's blonde, and she's attractive but in a sort of approachable way. And all of that familiarity is brilliant misdirection, because the thing is, there are no other women like Parker on TV. Because Parker—even if it's never explicitly stated in the show—Parker is coded incredibly clearly as autistic. Parker is socially awkward. Her speech tends to have limited inflection; what inflection it does have is repetitive and sounds rehearsed a lot of the time. She's not emotionally literate; she struggles with it, and the social skills she develops over the series, she learns by rote, like they're just another grift. When she's not scaling skyscrapers or cartwheeling through laser grids, she wears her body like an ill-fitting suit. Parker moves like me. And Parker, Parker was a revelation—she was a revolution unto herself. In a media landscape where unempathetic women usually exist to either be punished or "loved whole," Parker got to play the crabby savant. And she wasn't emotionally intuitive but it was never ever played as the product of abuse or trauma even though she had survived both of those—it was just part of her, as much as were her hands or her eyes. And she had a genuine character arc. My god, she had a genuine romantic arc, even. And none of that required her to turn into anything other than what she was. And in Parker I recognized a thousand tics and details of my life and my personality...but. I didn't recognize myself.

Why? What difference was there in Parker, you know, between Parker and the other characters I'd written about? Those characters, they'd spanned ethnicities and backgrounds and different media and appearances and the only other characteristic they all had in common was their gender. So that was where I started to look next, and I thought, "Well, okay, maybe, maybe it's masculinity. Maybe if Parker were less feminine, she'd click with me the way those other characters had." So then I tried to imagine a Parker with short hair, who's explicitly butch, and...nothing. So okay, I extended it in what seems like the only logical direction to extend it. I said, "Well, if it's not masculinity, what if it's actual maleness? What if Parker were a man?" Ah. Yeah.

In the end, everything changed, and nothing changed, which is often the way that it goes for me. Add a landmark, no matter how slight, and the map is irrevocably altered. Add a landmark, and paths that were invisible before open wide. Add a landmark, and you may not have moved, but suddenly you know where you are and where you can go.

I wasn't going to tell this story when I started planning this talk. I was gonna tell a similar story, it was about stories, like this is, about narratives and the ways that they influence our culture and vice versa. And it centered around a group of women at NASA who had basically rewritten the narrative around space exploration, and it was a lot more fun, and I still think it was more interesting. But it's also a story you can probably work out for yourselves. In fact it's a story some of you probably have, if you follow that kind of thing, which you probably do given that you're here. And this is a story, my story is not a story that I like to tell. It's not a fun story to talk about because it's very personal and I am a very private person. And it's not universal. And it's not always relatable, and it's definitely not aspirational. And it's not the kind of story that you tend to encounter unless you're already part of it...which is why I'm telling it now. Because the thing is, I'm not the only person who uses stories to parse the world and navigate it. I'm just a little more deliberate. Because I'm tired of having to rely on composite sketches.

Open your maps. Add a landmark. Reroute accordingly.

[margridarnauds]

I asked my students to watch The Green Knight after reading and tracking the themes of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight the previous week, and you'll be pleased to know that they were very unhappy with the film. Class was literally 50 minutes (technically 40, given their free writes) of non-stop tearing the film apart. The only positive things people said about the film were that it had nice cinematography and did a good job of conveying a spooky vibe

That sounds roughly par for the course of most of the responses I've seen -- almost everyone (Present company included!) acknowledges the aesthetics, the cinematography, and Dev Patel and Alicia Vikander (also props to Joel Edgerton, who had my heart from the second he shouted "GAAAAAWAAAAAIN MY FRIEND" in a style remarkably akin to BRIAN BLESSED'S Augustus in I, Claudius.) It's just....everything else.

And I think that that actually is part of why the film was so well-received, at least in the beginning -- I think that it was a combination of (1) People waiting for it for SO LONG that they just wanted to see it. Like, when you've spent years waiting for something, you don't WANT to admit it was a disappointment, even if you've hyped it up to a level that...I'm not sure it ever could have realistically achieved, and we have been in a bit of a high budget Arthurian drought (I usually whip out the smallest violin in the world whenever scholars from fields that have more than 10 adaptations start complaining about a lack of adaptations, but...when you compare to the Arthurian craze of the last two centuries or so...not to say nothing's being produced, because it *is*, but not in the brand of the kind of Fantasy Renaissance of, say, the 80s...this last decade or two's come up short.)

(2) An Emperor's New Clothes Effect -- People have been much more willing to admit that they don't like it *now* than they did when they first watched it, and it's relatively common, when I start talking about it with other medievalists, even now, for them to be like "Yeah, I never really fully liked it, but I couldn't put my finger on why", but they never openly said anything because....well. It's The Film Everyone Likes. (I'm a contrarian shit, so I was always here like "....the....the....kirtle....and.....Gawain's....")

And (3), relevant to the point: The aesthetics are...almost seductive, in a way. In that you get mesmerized by them and then, later on, when you're digesting the film itself beyond them and you go "Wait a minute..." I think it's telling that the first real response I got from medievalists was confusion -- they knew they'd seen a technically complicated film, that it was a film that did have thought put into it, but there was so much that they just didn't Get. Like, you're faced with this paradox I don't think we're always equipped with, especially in medieval studies in general, which is that it's a well-made film but I'm not sure it's a good film.

And, obviously, it's not to say that, if you liked the film, you don't GET medievalism/the OG poem/Arthuriana as a whole, I think that's reductivist and ignores the complicated way each one of us interacts with media. Every single one of us, when we're reading a text or watching a film or reading a book is coming into it with our own personal background, so there are things that I know, going in, I'm going to like that someone's going to hate and vice versa. (And we know I adore garbage, I think that garbage is a really important lens to see how people are receiving this at the ground level and, on top of that, can be a rolicking good time.) But I think it might explain why we had this deluge of really, really positive reviews, even and possibly especially by fellow medievalists, that's slowly chilled over time as we've stepped back. Or something.

But, anyway, navel-gazing aside, it sounds like a glorious roasting session, condolences for the psychic damage to your students, and I'm *delighted* that "Green Knight Salt's" become part of The Brand™ (next to half-Fomorian twinks, villainfucking, and international musicals.)

[jazminebrightxx]

Like magic

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SHOW: teen wolf

CHAPTER ONE: “oh how mature”

EPISODE: takes place after 3x01 “tattoo”

KAITLIN JONES always had a soft spot for perfect entrances, she was a swimmer, she dived head first and didn't look back. That was until now... as she stood by her blue Mini Cooper, her heart hammered in her chest. First day back. After four years, she was finally back to the town she'd always call home

Kaitlin was born and raised in beacon hills until she was twelve, and her dad moved her whole family to Boston for work. Things were good at the start, but the tide soon came in and the water crashed against the rocks, knocking down everything in its path, including her family. A lot of things can change in five years...

She sighed, shaking her head slightly as she prepared herself for her new title "new girl" god, she dreaded it but it had to happen, it happened before. everyone's new once in their life. Her hand clasped around the necklace that fell from her neck, giving it a little twirl as the triangle glistened in the sunlight. Okay, no more stalling, Kaitlin. She shut the door of her car, swinging her bag around her shoulder and locking the small vehicle. She stared at the school ahead, pulling her phone out and looking for her locker number, she had it saved in her notes...254.

She didn't hesitate in ploughing forward, her stance and strut confident as her bag swayed with her hips, a few unfamiliar glances made her way, she ignored them. Pushing open the doors, she took in the scenery, students calmly made their way through the halls, conversing and commuting. She kept her pace, her eyes scanning the lockers for her number.

This school was a lot different than the ones in Boston. It was calmer, not to say the halls weren't busy, there was quite a few teens roaming the halls but this school was nothing compared to Fenway. Once she found the locker with her number on it, she unlocked it, pulling a few of her books from her bag out and shoving them neatly in the metal locker.

She pulls out her schedule, using a small packet of Blu-tack and sticking the paper to her locker just Incase, she had a spare on her phone anyway.

The distant sound of heels grabs Kaitlin's attention, she finishes shoving the books in, glancing to her side, knowing who would be standing next to her.

"Kaitlin freaking Jones" the strawberry blonde beams at the small brunette, who smiles widely. Her heart hammering once again

"Lydia freaking Martin" kaitlin repeats Lydia's tone before she's pulled into a bone crushing hug. When the two pull away, Lydia checks Kaitlin over, squeezing her in her arms. "Oh my god, look at you!" Kaitlin giggled, Lydia sounded like a mother "oh shush, it hasn't been that long"

Lydia gave Kaitlin a indescribable look, her brows furrowed together and her lips pursed "Kate, it's been four years"

The brunette laughed "and that's four too many" the pair of friends laugh, Kaitlin noticing the brunette that stood awkwardly beside Lydia. The strawberry blonde jumped, a lightbulb going off

"Oh, Kaitlin, this is Alison Argent, Alison this is my childhood bestie Kaitlin Jones"

"Nice to meet you" Alison greets when taking to Kaitlin who smiles "likewise" Lydia holds onto Alison's arm, returning back to her little conversation and catch up with Kaitlin

"So, since when are you back in town?"

"Only a few days, today's my first day of school"

"You've gotta tell me everything...tell us everything that happened. But now" the bell went, huh, great timing "we've gotta get to class, what do you have now?"

"Uhm" she checked inside the locker "French"

"Ms Morrell?" Kaitlin nodded, the name made her ears perk up. Alison smiling widely "Me too, let us walk you to class" She suggests to the brunette, who shuts her locker

"Lead the way"

***

Kaitlin strolled through the halls of beacon hills high school, a hall pass in her hand as she made her way to the bathroom. Her first class was going better than expected, people here were super nice and welcoming and Alison had helped her around a-lot. Turning a corner, she stops, seeing two tall brunette boys stood at a locker, they huddled together, looking as if they were spilling secrets.

She smirks, knowing exactly who they were, Stiles still wore flannels and moved skittishly while Scott listened as he ranted. The two boys looked tense, it's surprising that Kaitlin couldn't hear every word the two were sharing. She sneaks up behind Stiles, his back to her as she hid from Scott

"I don't know. Maybe I'm being a little over dramatic" Kaitlin sees her opportunity and takes it immediately, coming out from behind the pale boy and resting her elbow on his shoulder "a little? I could see you popping a vein from the bathroom"

Stiles jumps at the sudden voice, letting out a startled Yelp as his eyes go wide, Scott stands shocked, recognizing the girl immediately

"Kaitlin?!" He stares at the brunette, who grins like a fool. Scott lets out a surprised laugh as he pulls the girl into a hug, squeezing tight,

"Hey Scotty" she greets him using the nickname she had given him when they were six. When Scott pulls away, Stiles gets a good look at her face, recognizing her, she still had slightly tanned skin, with freckles dashed around her face, the same little scar the sat on her chin, she'd had it years, the story behind it foggy. He goes red, remembering who she was and how he knew her

"Oh my god, Katie" Kaitlin's heart jumps at the nickname stiles had given her when she was young, it had stuck and was only reserved to people she cared for. Kaitlin stares at Stiles, a huge grin on her face "Stilinski!" She laughs, pulling him into a hug, she lets out a startled laugh when she's pulled off her feet as he lifts her to his height.

The boys were a lot taller now, they'd always had a height difference to Kaitlin but now they towered over her easily, so it wasn't hard for Stiles to lift her. When the two pull apart she stares at the two boys for a second before sighing. Scott and Stiles had been her best friends since she could remember, her mother was friends with Claudia Stilinski and Melissa McCall, so the three were friends from a young age, she hated when she had to leave them, it hurt her and hit her hard. But she never forgot them, four years and they still  held that same spot in her heart, nobody could replace them, she made friends in Boston, but it wasn't the same. "You have no idea how much I've missed you guys" she tells the boys, Scott nods in agreement, the smile not leaving his face.

"Are you back home?" Scott questions her quietly, Kaitlin nods happily "You're stuck with me" she laughs, the two boys joining her

"How's Kodin and Tyler?" Scott questions again, shoving his hands into his pockets, Stiles crossed his arms over his chest, a large smile on his lips. Kaitlin's smile fades slightly at his words, letting out a sigh.

"Uh Kodin's good, he's not coming to school 'till tomorrow, it's his first day as a trainee nurse" Scott's eyebrows raise in surprise, Kaitlin gives him a look "I know"

"And Tyler...well, actually, Tyler passed...two years ago, he had cancer" Scott stops, his smile fading, Stiles hands fall from his chest, Guilt radiated from Scott "Kate, I'm so sorry"

She waves him off "it's ok Scott you couldn't of known" Tyler fought long, and very hard against the cancer, he'd been diagnosed a few months after they left beacon hills, it was in a bad stage and things didn't look good, when he died, a piece of Kaitlin died with him, he was her big brother, the death struck the family hard, but it inevitably brought them closer.

"I'm really sorry katie" Stiles says, reaching a hand to her arm, a solemn expression on his face.

She shakes off the emotion that built "Nows not the time for that, how have you guys been, what's been going on" she changed the subject, even though she'd be likely to know the answer. Her uncle deaton kept her updated on the news in beacon hills, everything including the supernatural, she knew everything, but now wasn't the time to tell them...not yet.

***

Later Kaitlin had arrived back home and was sitting in her kitchen waiting for the food she was making to be done

The sound of the front door opening and closing was heard through the house, Kaitlin turns her attention to Natalie Jones, her mother who drops her jacket onto the coat hanger beside the door

she walks into the kitchen "ohh something smells good"she rubs her hands together, taking a seat at the table

Kaitlin smiles "i made your favorite"

"Carbonara?" The youngest nods and her mothers smile grows wider. things had been hard on the family since Kaitlin's father had left, her mother had been drowning in medical bills from Tyler and had been really stressed. luckily enough she had Kaitlin and Kodin who had been a massive help to her, Kaitlin took up a few shifts at a local diner called Joe's and cooked dinner for her mother and brother, who was a trainee Nurse at the hospital with his mom and helped his mother a lot

“I love you, you know that, right?”

***

a little while later and Kaitlin's sitting at the table with her mother, the two about to dig into their dinners when a loud bang is heard "Kodin's home" Kaitlin whispers. Natalie gives her daughter a look "how do you know"

the front door swings open, the loudness of the bang sounding through the house, a tall brunette walks in, his face was similar to Kaitlin's, freckles dashed his cheeks and his eyes were a similar colour.

"I'M HOME!"

Kaitlin gives her mother a look, Natalie laughing lightly, the twins had a special bond, they annoyed the absolute crap out of each other, but at the end of the day, Kaitlin would die for Kodin and vice versa.

"No one cares"

Kodin comes strolling into the kitchen, not looking at his sister but with a smug smirk playing on his lips. Kaitlin eyes go to his hand

His arm is held in the air beside his head, and he's... flipping her off. Kaitlin rolls her eyes, dropping her spoon "Oh how mature, Kodin "

"Oh stop, you two" Natalie hushes her two children playfully as all three are now smiling

Kodin takes his seat at the table after he grabs his bowl and a spoon and fork "so how was your first day back guys?"

"Well I met up with a few of my old friends and ran into Scott and Stiles today" Kodin states as he digs into his food, he takes a glance at Kaitlin. Kodin was also apart of the Scott, Stiles and Kaitlin group, he also had his own group of friends that he was close with, but the four were inseparable when they were young

"Yeah I saw them two, and Lydia, she introduced me to a new girl she was really nice" Kaitlin cuts in, and Kodin head snaps to her "Lydia as in like Lydia Martin?" Kodin questions a bit to quickly, Kaitlin's now the one with the smug smirk playing on her lips

"Aww Kodin are you blushinggg" She mocks her twin brother who kicks her from under the table , which only makes her burst out laughing, her mother smiling.

"I'm kidding kody calm down" her laughter dies down after a bit and the small family catch up on their day so far. Once there finished their food Kaitlin gets a text from an unknown number, eyeing it curiously she opens the message

Unknown

Hey do you wanna go for coffee?,  joes is still open and their donuts are to die for

Kaitlin's eyes narrowed at the message, confusingly she sends a quick reply back

Kaitlin

Who is this?

Unknown

Oh shoot sorry should have told you who it was, ahah it's Alison.

Kaitlin

How did you get my number?

Alison

Lydia

Kaitlin

Ah I see, uhm sure who's coming?

Alison

Myself, Lydia and our two friends, Scott and Stiles we can introduce you to them

Kaitlin smirks at the message, deciding to have a little fun she texts back

Kaitlin

Sure! It'll be fun meeting new people what time?

Alison

In about an hour? We can pick you up the guys are meeting us there

Kaitlin

Okay cool see you then x

The brunette runs up the stairs and throws on a new pair of light blue denim jeans and a grey hoodie pulling her hair into a messy ponytail and grabbing her phone, she runs down stairs and jumps onto the sofa, turning on the latest episode of greys anatomy. After about half and hour kodin makes his way down the stairs. Loudly as usual

"Do you have to be so damn loud?" She calls to the brunette who ignores her

"I'm going out, you need anything?" He doesn't look at her, looking at the tv.

"Nah I'm going out soon anyway"

"Ok cool see you later" he nods and walks out the door slamming it , Kaitlin rolls her eyes and continues watching the tv until she hears a car horn.

She jumps from the couch looking out and seeing Alison's car outside her house. She turns the tv off and runs into the kitchen

"I'm going out with Lydia" she quickly tells her mom, while grabbing her keys and phone, her mother smiles and nods

"Okay have fun, don't be too late" Kaitlin gives her mom a kiss on her head and walk for the door

"Love you!" She opens the door hearing her mom say the same and walks to the car. She jumps in the back, Lydia occupying the passenger seat and giving her a warm smile

"Hey girls" she warmly greets as the girls greet her back "So how was your first day back?" Lydia questions as they drive to joes.

"Eh it's school, but I got to catch up with some old friends" she smiles at Lydia knowingly and she returns the gesture. After a few minutes they arrive at the nice little corner cafe called joes. Alison finds a parking spot and they jump out of the small car, and into the building.

The trio walk up through the isle of booths, she sees Stiles, Scott and another boy not facing the girls. As they grow closer and closer to the booth Kaitlin starts to recognize the person, oh she definitely recognizes him.

"Kodin?" She questions as the three boys including her brother turn to look at her

"Kaitlin?"

"What the hell are you doing here?" Confusion laces through her voice as Alison looks at the two curiously

"You two know each other?" She questions genuinely confused

"He's my twin brother" Kaitlin explains as she slides into the booth beside Scott and Stiles as Lydia slides in beside Kodin who smiles along with Alison "Oh, well anyway this is Scott and stiles" the brunette continues to introduce the two boys to the girl who smiles. Scott and stiles both have confused expressions on their face but Kaitlin give them a look as if to say "just go with it". The two boys stay quiet and Scott catches on sticking out his hand, trying his best to hide his grin

"Hi Kaitlin, I'm Scott and this is my best friend Stiles" he says, stiles stares between the two oddly along with kodin

"What the hell is going on?" He questions and stiles doesn't take his eyes off the pairs clasped hands oddly "You just took the words out of my mouth" he says, his eyes confused

"Dude you guys know each other, why are you doing that?" Kodin questions and Kaitlin glares at him

"Wait you guys know each other too?" Alison questions, more confused than ever. Kaitlin and Scott laugh, and Stiles... well he's just given up trying to understand his two childhood best friends.

"Kaitlin, Kodin, Stiles and I grew up together." Scott explains to his ex girlfriend, after his laughter dies down

"Wait why didn't you tell me this?" The huntress questions Kaitlin curiously

"I don't know, wanted to have a mess I suppose" she smiles and Kodin rolls his eyes at his sister before a girl approaches the booth, notepad in hand

"Hi my names jade, what can I get you guys today-" the waitress locks gazes with Kaitlin and smiles "Oh hey Jones, you not working today?" Kaitlin smiles at jade and shakes her head "nah only Thursday to Saturday"

"Oh lucky, anyway what'll it be" the group begin to order their food, Kaitlin only ordering a shake and fries. "

When jade walks away, all eyes turn to Kaitlin and she sighs "I took up a few part time shifts here, to help my mom" She quickly explains, eyeing her brother who's eyes soften

"How come?" Alison pushes, Lydia kicks her heel and Alison gasps, glaring at Lydia "shut up" Kaitlin smiles at the two "No Lydia, it's okay really" she takes a quick glance at her brother who slightly nods to her

"My oldest brother Tyler passed a few years ago, and my moms been up to her eyeballs with bills so myself and Kodin help take care of a few things around the house" she quickly explains, Alison's eyes soften but she remains silent

"Yeah, I'm a trainee nurse at the hospital with my mom" Scott's gaze goes to Kaitlin

"Kate, Kodin told us, my moms his trainer" Kaitlin's brows raise, glancing at her brother "why didn't you tell me?" Kodin shrugs.     

"I forgot" Kaitlin rolls her eyes, lightly kicking him in the shins "ow, jeez I'm sorry" the group around them laugh. A little while later the groups food arrives and they catch up, Alison getting to know more about the Jones twins.

Kaitlin looks around her at the people she surrounded herself with. Alison and Lydia laughing at something Kodin had said. While Stiles, Scott and herself had been reminiscing over they're childhood. For the first time in a while she was calm and happy. Maybe things would be smooth sailing...

Oh how wrong she was.

——~——

JAZMINE SPEAKS

Oh god. This chapter isn’t my favorite but it’s the first of many. Might take me a while to get the rest out because you can’t just copy and paste onto here which is quite annoying😫 anyway. I hope you enjoyed and come back for more!!!

[punkscowardschampions]

Amelia & Jac

Amelia: My mum heard wrong and you're actually okay, right? Jac: I am now Amelia: but it was you Jac: me and half of Dublin Amelia: I could care less about about 3/4 of this town Jac: generous, a whole 1/4 Amelia: you know what I mean Jac: yeah Jac: your maths isn't that shocking Amelia: what happened? Jac: what do you mean Jac: I didn't accidentally swallow my mouthwash or something Jac: you know how it goes Amelia: alright, why did it happen? Jac: It was new years Jac: simple as Amelia: you don't give a shit about New Year's Amelia: or anything else right now Jac: I was feeling festive Amelia: because? Jac: because it's the reason for the season? idk Amelia: you're really going to make me figure it out? okay Jac: there's fuck all to figure out Jac: you've got drunk, you know why Amelia: What did she do? Jac: which nurse was it that told your mum Jac: or was it a receptionist, they're the fucking worst Amelia: answer my question so I don't have to go on her profile Jac: go ahead and look Jac: you won't be surprised, no one else is Amelia: [does so a pause] Amelia: I'm sorry Jac: I knew anyway Jac: well, was 99% sure Jac: but then that 1% went so Amelia: You could've called me Amelia: nobody on the gossip grapevine even knows the lad who brought you in Jac: I very much couldn't Jac: I was passed out Jac: so me either, the thank you note will sit here unsent, like Amelia: before, I mean Amelia: she didn't post that last night Jac: it was Christmas Amelia: so? Jac: a time for family Amelia: you used to be Amelia: basically Jac: well that's just weird Amelia: again, you know what I mean Jac: not acceptable to float your incest fantasies just 'cos you've got no siblings to go there with Amelia: ugh, shut up Jac: works for me Amelia: no, it doesn't Jac: ask anyone Jac: I've had a very relaxing break Amelia: none of this is working for you, that's why you ended up in hospital Amelia: for fuck's sake Jac: that was the tequila Amelia: none of this is funny Jac: what do want me to say? Amelia: quite literally anything that isn't a pisstake Amelia: that's how low my bar is now Jac: I got drunk, it isn't the drama your mum and whoever the fuck is making it out to be Amelia: it isn't a drama that you got so drunk you had to be medically emptied out after being brought in by a stranger, no of course not Amelia: anything could have happened to you but why the fuck would that matter Jac: clearly I was surrounded by nice people Jac: I wasn't in a crack den Amelia: you wouldn't tell me if you were Amelia: unless you had a joke you could make out of it Jac: I appreciate that you find me so amusing Jac: I'm not making jokes, there is just nothing to actually be said about any of it Amelia: Fine, we'll go back to not talking Jac: don't let me ruin your good time Amelia: it's a bit late for that advice, thanks anyway Jac: amazing Jac: way to make my hospital stay about you Amelia: how could I? It's all about Savannah fucking Moore, as always Jac: so you wanted to be the one I drank myself into a coma for Jac: I'm so sorry Jac: I'll try again next time and leave a note shouting you out Amelia: no you won't, because that would involve telling people about me Amelia: I might as well not exist Jac: 'cos I'm going around telling EVERYONE that this is about her Amelia: it's never been any secret how I feel about you or that I need you even though you don't need me Amelia: and you could've fucking died or something Jac: seriously Amelia: yeah Jac: it's bullshit if you actually believe that Jac: and you're not just saying it Amelia: all of this is bullshit Jac: I'm a fucking mess Jac: I hit you up all the time Jac: why do you need me to spell it out to you Jac: hire a fucking skywriter Amelia: none of it matters because when things actually matter, like this, you don't Jac: because I'm not fucking okay Jac: that doesn't mean that I don't those other times Amelia: I know that Jac: you clearly don't Jac: it means nothing Jac: then fuck it Amelia: it doesn't mean nothing Jac: it's so fucking Jac: infuriating Jac: I haven't talked to anyone else in person for so long Jac: and I barely do it in writing now either Jac: don't pretend you don't know that means something just to fit your narrative Amelia: what to do want me to say? or do? Amelia: I've spent ages worried about you even before this and there's nobody I can talk about it with because you won't Amelia: I don't get to be upset because it's Christmas and we're not friends and I'm over it, that's the narrative for everybody else Amelia: then I hear this and it's no big deal to you, apparently Jac: just not be so fucking dense Jac: at least when you're talking to me, you don't need to pretend that now Jac: what would you like me to say? how fucking vile it was having to bring up my entire stomach contents, what it smelt like? how terrifying it was to be there on my own? Jac: or what can I do for you now? start sobbing about how out of control my life is, repent, promise to change and be different? Amelia: I've already lost you once because of her, I can't do it again Amelia: especially not like that Jac: I can't stop loving her Jac: I can't stop it hurting Jac: all of us Amelia: I can't stop loving you Amelia: and she isn't going to force me to when she isn't even fucking here Jac: There's no point blaming her Jac: if she didn't know, before I showed her how I felt Jac: she didn't know about you and me Amelia: and you think I'm dense Jac: I don't think she's perfect Jac: not completely Amelia: it's progress Jac: shut up Jac: I'm sorry, alright, I wouldn't have told you, you wouldn't have needed to be worried Amelia: I'm worried by all the things you don't tell me Amelia: where you go and what you do when you're not 'hitting me up' Jac: it's not as if you'd wanna hear it though Jac: you want me to stop, like everyone does Jac: but I just Jac: I can't Amelia: I don't want to hear it because I know it's not what you really want Jac: I can't have what I want Amelia: you can't have her, it doesn't mean you have to have that Jac: None of it was real Jac: but it doesn't erase all that time, what was said and done and felt Jac: not for me Amelia: of course it doesn't Jac: it's like I'm trapped Jac: I can't go back but I'm just left here, she's left me here and all of the things we were going to do and be together aren't going to happen Jac: I'm not going to be that person but I'm not the same as before Amelia: it's like she killed you, you have to grieve Jac: I don't like who I am now Jac: without her Amelia: you said it, you're a mess Amelia: not much about that for a virgo to like Jac: this is just another day in the life for you is it Jac: 🦂 Amelia: it's not about me Amelia: how you feel about you Jac: it's no secret I CLEARLY hate myself Amelia: it'd be the worst kept secret ever if it was Jac: so yeah, it's nice to flip the script, have people think maybe I hate them instead Jac: I ruined Christmas because I hate you all, like, yeah, fine Amelia: maybe Cammie's brothers are little enough to fall for it Jac: it's surprising how effective playing at being a coma patient is for the cause Amelia: everyone knows you're hurting instead of hating Jac: alright Jac: sounding like a cringe 90s rnb love song is not cute Amelia: I'm not cute today Jac: have you got your serious face on to match your tone Amelia: my parents have and if you can't beat them, join them Jac: did your nan say something homophobic and they forgot to call her out on your behalf? Amelia: I'm grounded because of what you did, that's what passes for logic in this 🏠 Amelia: they haven't stopped talking about it or trying to overhaul my life Jac: oh great Jac: I'll not be able to see you too now Amelia: they've told me to stay in, they can't make me Amelia: you can see me whenever you want to Jac: your parents are actually sensible, if leaning towards over-protective Jac: they'll get a restraining order Jac: or me sectioned, if they can really sell it Amelia: they don't know about us Amelia: you're fine Jac: they know they don't want you being my friend Amelia: they don't want me getting hospitalised, that's all Amelia: they know if we were still friends I'd look after you and vice versa Jac: it isn't catching, it's alcohol poisoning Jac: can we go to the beach Jac: we've obviously missed the official swim but I want to Amelia: they did run out of Christmas drinks because I never got around to replacing what we stole and I did have to take sole blame, so that's where they think I'm heading Amelia: but yeah, we can go to the beach Jac: their friends always could put it away Amelia: and I wasn't even drunk last night Amelia: because I'd already had a lecture Jac: how drunk did you get on Christmas day then Amelia: it's not my fault they all stop at a couple of glasses Amelia: or want to my life a competition vs the child or children of every single person my parents know Amelia: 🥱🙄 Jac: you didn't know miracle was a lifetime obligation as well as a fancy title? Jac: gutted Amelia: did I hit you up, no, therefore I CLEARLY wasn't drunk enough Jac: Charming Amelia: 😏 Jac: you know, when I get drunk, I make really bad choices/nearly die Amelia: not always Amelia: and I might've given my cousin my phone so I didn't send you anything, okay? I'm that 😳🤓 Jac: She blatantly wanted to nose at all your private texts anyway Jac: I wouldn't trust any of mine as far as I can throw them Amelia: she'd have to steal my fingerprint, I definitely wasn't that drunk Jac: don't you delete them after? Jac: amateur Amelia: what would I do when you aren't talking to me if I did, read a book? Jac: you're quick with the recommendations for me, so yeah Amelia: I get enough migraines without encouraging them Jac: 😏 Jac: we definitely shouldn't be friends then Amelia: that's not even in the top 10 of reasons why we shouldn't Jac: again, so polite Amelia: come on, you know I'll break any amount of rules Jac: it's not supposed to be adding to the fun of it, like Amelia: fuck supposed to as well Jac: alright Jac: but I ain't going out and getting drunk tonight Jac: I feel inside out still Amelia: what do you want to do then? Jac: I don't know Jac: let's just start with the beach and I'll see Amelia: okay Jac: what do you wanna do Amelia: I only give a shit about seeing you Jac: It might take me a while to get out Jac: goes without saying I'm more than grounded Jac: one pair of 👀 on me at all times Amelia: that kind of wait won't kill me Jac: alright Jac: I'll think of something Amelia: remember a coat this time, yeah? Amelia: I can't lend you any more without literally taking the one off my own back Jac: oh no Amelia: you didn't nearly die in my coat, did you? Jac: I was wearing it Jac: but I don't have it now Amelia: oh Jac: I do remember where I was, I wasn't that gone when I arrived Jac: but I don't wanna go back, I can give you the address? Amelia: do I want to go there or should I just hit the sales? Jac: yeah Jac: consider it a late christmas present? Amelia: wait, my late Christmas present isn't that you didn't die? Jac: you're glad, aren't you, that's a gift Jac: but I also meant money for a coat, that's only fair, if anything Amelia: I can afford my own replacement coat Jac: alright Jac: but I did lose it Amelia: I lent it to you, if it was that precious to me, I wouldn't have Amelia: and my mum will be thrilled I'm asking to go shopping Jac: yeah, true enough Jac: what did you get her for christmas? Amelia: [something her basic mum would actually love because she only had to buy for her parents so might as well go in] Jac: wow, daughter of the year much Amelia: I'm their only daughter, there's no contest Jac: all I got mine was a nervous breakdown so you know Amelia: I did that last year, you know, before it was cool Jac: 🤓 Amelia: I'm sorry that you didn't invent pining Jac: I'm not pining though, you can have that Amelia: I don't want it Jac: I'm sorry you invented pining Amelia: I didn't, I just happen to be amazing at it Jac: or bad at it, depending on your outlook Amelia: well yeah Jac: I look awful Amelia: how do you feel? Jac: awful Jac: at least there's no disparity there Amelia: you've nailed it, along with the majority Jac: start as the year will go on, no matter my intentions or otherwise Jac: fucking hell Amelia: I look great, you've been warned Jac: 😂 Amelia: 👧🏻 Jac: at least it isn't bowl-esque now Jac: like your xmas throwback Amelia: I knew you'd like that Jac: that santa is creepy looking though Jac: your face says it all Amelia: 😂 Jac: how likely do you think any of my siblings are to cover for me right now Amelia: 🤔 very unlikely Jac: distract and run it is Amelia: can you even 🏃 the state you're in? Jac: They gave me IV, I'm technically in my prime, thank you Amelia: carry on Jac: you don't have to come Amelia: I want to though Jac: alright Amelia: okay Jac: [I think she should ask Jesse to cover but whatever the outcome of that convo let us say you do get out somehow and you can go to the beach] Amelia: [yeah even if he won't, find a way gal] Jac: [have your nice moment] Amelia: [it's deserved, well not really because you ruined christmas and new year's but Savannah ruined everything first so it kind of is lol] Jac: [it's what being a teen is all about henny] Amelia: [not this teen, I was a goody two shoes] Jac: [my boo is too good she would never lmao, I did so] Jac: [I think they should have a nice time but then someone/someone's parents is at the beach so she's like well bye] Amelia: [that's very valid because you lowkey wouldn't be able to go anywhere without seeing someone either they know from school or Amelia's parents know the parents of] Jac: [exactly, it's an easy way to end things before anything really has to be said or done so tah everyone] Amelia: [I hope you're both going home, we don't need any more drama immediately] Jac: [my boo says get your ass back home] Amelia: [mhmm] Jac: [she has nowhere to be so I'm sure she's going back to bed lol] Amelia: [get your arse back home too Amelia even though I'm sure that girl has text you at Christmas and New Year's] Jac: [at least you weren't at the beach gal] Amelia: [I 100% vote you do see her when school starts though even though she in the year above and would have to seek you out lol] Jac: [my boo says let her have it] Amelia: [we do love the jealousy always] Jac: [mhmm] Amelia: [not letting you date her though because she actually seems to like you so that'd be rude] Jac: [only jac and savannah can do that lol] Amelia: [Savannah do like this boy cos he reminds her of Jac remember LOL] Jac: [lmao]

[battletrio]

One thing that I got out of TFAWS was that Sam and Bucky have both been out of the military for a long time whereas John is still fresh. Sam and Bucky were both kind of 'eff the rules' whereas John still had those teachings in him from his years of military service. LITERALLY ALL HE WAS DOING WAS TRYING TO FOLLOW THE COMMANDS GIVEN TO HIM LIKE MOST SOLDIERS. And then everyone acts like soldiers can't have trauma and react when the witness something like their best friend dying in front of them??? They could've explained to him why they were doing things their way but instead went out of their way to say 'nah fuck John' because of poor writing in the script.

I think I've spoken many times about my frustrations with how they depicted Sam and Bucky and John's interactions. I really wish the story had allowed them to connect through their common military background. I think it's understandable that Sam and Bucky were more "free" and didn't play by the rules, both of their experiences even beyond them not being active duty soldiers anymore have formed their views on how they see rules and all the red tape. But there really was no reason that they couldn't still work together. They could have both worked their respective ends of the case and then shared information, maybe something from Sam and Bucky's off the books tactics could have helped John and Lemar get more info through official channels or vice versa. They didn't need to cut off sharing information.

I mean, it's not like either of the pairs were going into this for the glory and fame anyways, so it's not some competition about who gets credit for what. They all want to keep people safe so this weird bit of symbolic turf war is rather silly. It's like the mess made back in the days when different police departments or the FBI didn't share information or have a centralized database so killers would not be caught for years and years even though different departments all had the pieces and if they'd just all put them together, they could have caught a killer much earlier and saved more lives.

It's unfortunate that the story had to force these four characters into unnecessary antagonism that ultimately undermines all the characters.

[pointthefingerblametheother]

First of all I don't hate you either. These posts are coming from a place of love. True love deeper and longer lasting than any romance book could portray. I love you more than you let me show you or that you would accept when I tried showing you anyways. I thought you stopped loving me months ago. But really, you stopped loving yourself and couldn't see how much I truly do love you either. Seeing you depressed only made me more depressed and vice versa. It sucks.. I couldn't show my love after trying so hard and getting rejected just trying to even have my arm around you; I'd get rejected day after day. - I would take you back someday. But you have to learn to love yourself again, first. And not just chase for someone else's love (fake or not), running from your own love for yourself. Our own depressions had been feeding each other's. And we should have went in to get help sooner, but we didn't know any better... After the first Covid shot I felt even worse and my daily migraines have been even more powerful for me I wanted to escape my own body and mind.. not you. It's been absolutely terrifying losing myself during this pandemic... So dark and cold inside my own mind. I didn't know how to get help (The Nice app just told me they didn't have the meds they thought I needed and I felt worthless ever since last June when I tried to get help)

Only you can get help for yourself, if you want relief from your struggles, but I can try to help that process if you would like a little guidance. I love you, but I can't force you to love yourself. You have to want it yourself, for yourself. - I was paralyzed by my own depression and rejection. I got tired of trying to be good enough for you and still being told to go in the other room every day. Yet, somehow I still love you more than anything on this Earth. I'm trying to learn to love myself again. - I was depressed. Hating myself. And then you went and left me for it.. and now all I feel is emptiness inside without you by my side. If you only knew the guilt I've been feeling inside, unable to let out for leaving RTI; when you promised me everything was going to be okay... I know you only left me because of my depression and the lack of love you were feeling yourself, you wanted someone who seemed happy and to feed off their energy. I don't hate you for doing that. But I still never stopped loving you even though I couldn't love myself and it hurts to feel given up on.. twice now due to my depression. I haven't been able to think straight ever since my panic attacks started at RTI and that mixed with depression and made every day agony. Not your fault, you can't feel what's inside of me. I'm seeing a doctor and getting help soon. I want to fix things. I'd compromise anything with you, honestly. I still have gift cards for Sugar Factory saved.. but I am so heartbroken that had to sell the engagement ring I bought you, just to pay for a down payment now for a place to move to.

Listen to Lost in the Woods from Frozen 2 to know how I'm feeling before proceeding reading the rest of this post. One of the last movies we ever got to go out and watch together over a year ago, you stopped wanting to watch movies with me once the pandemic started... We used to do Redbox and all that stuff before we got depressed.

If you end up going through any of my other posts, just know they're in reverse order because it's a blog. I also have OCD so I edit and touch them up too much and add too much to them. I can't do that or delete all the messages I over sent you. Sorry about all those messages, honestly. I was going through lots of withdrawal: Crystal Love, Video Games, AND Caffeine. So yeah, I got nasty like when someone gets off hardcore drugs or smoking cigarettes. That's what it felt like and I'm sorry I let all that out on you and all the horrible things I said about myself. I'm sorry you didn't feel the love I was giving anymore. I honestly didn't feel loved by you either. Or that you even loved yourself anymore. Everything was about murders and people having painful life experiences every conversation I had with you and you were watching all these dating shows that made me uncomfortable because it seemed you'd rather watch them than accept the love I was trying to show you. You wouldn't even let me sit next to you or put my arm around you. When we went to the mall you wouldn't even hold my hand anymore like you used to... You weren't being yourself at all.

I want to get back to who we were together before the pandemic.

Before you left, I honestly loved you more than life itself. Would have killed myself if it would have made you happy.. That.... THAT is why I was speechless when you said you were leaving me. My heart SHATTERED before you. It killed me inside to hear the person that I love more than my own self wanted to leave me for someone else after 7 1/2 years. I was so sad with you being unresponsive to all my signs of love for the past few months. I honestly sat in that room for days on end debating suicide because I'd been getting rejected to even be allowed to sit on the couch with you for weeks... While you texted away with another guy? I honestly almost killed myself over this because I thought you just hated me because of my depression. The only words that saved me were when you said "I don't hate you". I don't know why that saved me but it did. It sure felt like you hated me. How do you leave someone who loves you more than themselves, more than life itself...?

You stopped telling me your wants. You stopped telling me your desires. It felt like you only wanted me out of the room and to get yourself off to sleep multiple times a day and try to sleep for days on end, even sleeping through your work shifts only to stay up all night to make up work. It felt like you wanted nothing to do with me. And it hurt me. Every. Single. Day. I used to be the one you turned to for that kind of intimate stuff.. and you seemed to want nothing to do with me anymore. I felt like yesterday's trash for months, so I turned to Twitch to try and make other people feel better since you stopped receiving my actions of love. Just being friends with people since I couldn't meet new friends in person. Only friends. Never thought once of not loving you or pursuing anyone else.

I just barely finally started to love myself and bought the PS5 and then the NES (the NES was an impulse buy, trying to do some retail therapy like you used to do in healthy amounts). But realized I was still addicted to Overwatch, because I had a feeling you were talking to another guy and that made me even more depressed. I figured I'd rather play video games than kill myself. When I realized it was someone who also pretended to be my friend I wanted to kill myself even more. I wanted to kill him too. But it was your choice to fuck me over. When all I did was love you too much and get rejected to the point all you did was talk to him about my shortcomings from being depressed for over two years from leaving my job FOR HAVING PANIC ATTACKS... Leo doesn't love you. I can forgive you for leaving me for him, but you also have to be able to forgive yourself. You were in a vulnerable state and he took advantage of you. He just wanted to steal you away while you were depressed as an easy trophy.. He wants you to keep needing him, and he will do anything to keep you hanging on so he has a chance to take you away for himself (not for you or your best interests).

Opposed to me where I have always wanted to raise you up every time I could muster up the courage to try to cheer you up again.. I'd get rejected yet again. Every time I tried playing board games, watch TV with you.. the games sat on the table for WEEKS on end... collecting hair, collecting dust... and you'd reject me day after day to play board games saying "not today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next weekend, etc." You stopped eating and making food for yourself and for us and sharing that weight even though I tried encouraging you... And then you got mad at me one day for not making food, after making it for us for the 5th day in a row... I asked you to please make something for us and you decided to starve instead... It fucking hurt. I love you Crystal but you let yourself go and you decided to chase a guy lying to you rather than the man whose loved you and has been with you and committed only to you for over 7 1/2 years.

We both got depressed, both needed help, but couldn't help the other enough to get them to a doctor. Sorry... I never stopped loving you, even though you hurt me so bad. So yeah I started buying things for myself to cope. Spent too much and you stopped seeing the things I was buying you and gestures I was trying to do for you and for us. But it doesn't have to be the end of us, Crystal. Neither of us could control our depression on our own without seeing a doctor, so I can't hate you for leaving.

I tried changing the topics we would watch, to happier things and watching shows with you that were not so dark, but it seemed every time I tried talking to you you'd rather be messaging someone on your phone than talking to me about anything at all. When we went out and played pokemon you'd have side conversations with Leo instead of showing me you cared about me on our date nights.. I tried many topics to change what we watched and tried encouraging you to look into your health, but I forgot about my own health and you started talking with another guy behind my back. It was pretty to do such a thing to someone who loves you more than life itself... But he'd also been badgering you for months to just let him back into your life, the sick bastard.

When I was messaging after you left I could only focus on the negative about myself because I was depressed (and have been for months, hating myself for having to deal with companies rejecting me for months.. and not being able to get close to you while my search for work was absolute Hell. You pushed me away a LOT). You really didn't deserve all the messaging and hearing me beat myself up. You have been depressed too. I tried explaining all the things you needed help with too, but it was way too much all at once and I'm sorry. Sick people can't fix other sick people - One of them needs to at least get help first. I'm glad you gave me a chance to go get help. I hope you can do the same for yourself and take the time to love who you are.

She always tried her best to make every day feel better for me... No matter how bad it was for me (or herself) inside. If you're out there reading this right now, clearly you still care. Take your time and feel free to read this window into my mind. it won't be easy to get through, but I still love you, Crystal, okay? Please relearn to love yourself. Sick people can't help sick people, but I'm working on myself and getting better; if you want help from being depressed I'd be glad to help you get you the help you need.. but you have to actually want it. For yourself. Don't do it for me. Sorry I got so depressed and stopped caring about myself. It must have been hard for you to watch... I know it was hard for me to watch you going through the same thing. Neither of our faults, okay? We just have to learn to care about ourselves and our own wants and desires. The pandemic's been so long I can't remember the last time I styled my hair or put on cologne (I used to put product in my hair every single day.), or you put on perfume or lipstick... I miss those days. Check out my new photo below this post, too. I'm trying hard to love myself again. 😁

Take all the time you need to read every word. We were both very depressed and confused when you left, both being depressed for a year in isolation. Something needed to change for us to get better. I understand that. Maybe some day we can get back to going to shows and traveling the US or the world together like we always wanted.

I'm trying to focus on me now though, so we actually have a chance. I need to take a break from only thinking about what I think you want or trying to make you happy with the little things. The little gifts and stuffedies things don't add up if you don't love yourself enough to want them for yourself anyways. (I'm glad I still have all mine from you. But.. because they're mine from you. Not because you gave them to make me happy. Band aids don't last. We both needed real healing from our depressions. They've just been feeding on each other's and we turned into horrible monsters towards each other.) I don't hate you for it though. I turned gross too. I'm getting better though. 🙂

Gifts and kind gestures don't fix depression though. I needed professional help to get through Covid Isolation. But. She gave up on me instead of telling me to get help or explaining as someone out of my own mind that I stopped doing chores. It wasn't a choice. Depression is a mental disorder. It disables our ability to be happy and do things that make others happy that we love. We say and do things we don't mean. It's the way life is... We're only human. You gave me everything I thought I wanted and way beyond. But nothing fixes depression other than getting professional help from doctors. And that needs to be our own decision to make for ourselves if we are worth that kind of investment for our own quality of life; we have to love inside our bodies no matter what, and we only get one body and one mind. Let in; let doctors help. - I will help you if you decide you want the help, but the decision to GET help needs to be your own choice, as I have also made my own choice to get help on my own.

I wish I could have gotten help sooner so I could treat her the same way sheas trying to treat me, before she got depressed, too. But stuffed animals and gifts weren't going to save her either. The proof is in the bag I got her.. it made her so happy to get it but her own depression she just wanted to escape into it rather than face her own love in herself. It happened to me with video games, too. Babe I get it we both fell for depression at the same time.

Gifts are just little bandaids, and ours were holding back cracked dams of depression... I wish I could have done like I used to do without this dark cloud hanging over me not letting me be myself. Covid was a horrible year for us.. as individuals, both. All my brain wanted to do was escape my depression and so all I did was play games instead of getting real professional help, that I actually needed. No healing shows to go to or musicals - that's our love language.

This damn pandemic... I just want to go to shows to be happy again... But the thought of going alone is heartbreaking. It's really hard with E3 going on right now. Lots of great memories flooding in. None of what happened in our fallout means we meant to leave the way we did; you left with practically no notice and it made no sense.

Not to mean to beat a dead horse, I KNOW you don't want to hear this or accept this. I don't care if you end up single or dating someone else on your own merit, but Leo is not good for you and he is NOT a friend. He only wants you as a trophy as "the girl that got away". You are an amazing woman, Crystal. 7 1/2 Years I know what the good times AND the bad times are like and I wouldn't trade them for a minute without you. but Leo worked on you for months. He really did. You had no idea, after being manipulated so long. Try to look back to the beginning of how annoyed as fuck you were that he was messaging you again. You told me how mad you were "some guy" was messaging you, but you didn't tell me who. I wish you did, but how could you know this would happen unless it's happened with him before? But you also let him. You gave him the chance. I tried early to help you and you refused. I warned you the first time you said he was bothering you that I would help if you wanted me to tell him to go away... But you let the bastard talk you in to leaving anyways he started planting seeds in your mind months ago and worked on you slowly over time. I saw the messages because you have always told me you have nothing to hide from me. Only reason I ever looked.. I KNOW and I COULD SEE you didn't want to leave like this; one month before the pandemic ended... We both knew the end of the pandemic was near. But there's no helping you when you decide to leave.. no matter how badly I wanted to... I couldn't convince you otherwise. I know how you get by now after 7 1/2 years. You had a flare up and his words hit at the right time after badgering you for months... I should have let you go earlier so you could learn earlier but I was trying to protect you.

This is a lesson you needed to learn on your own though.. Leo is a manipulator and will never change that he is one. He's not even a friend, please get away from him as early on as you can. I don't mind if you find another guy that actually cares and is in it FOR YOU, or if you choose to stay single gonna while and reflect on what's happened in order to heal. If you don't get away, he will jump at you again the moment you let your guard down again. I know people like this (women) from my own past. I will not hold it against you for being convinced out of our relationship or hate you for it. We were both depressed, trying to break the cycle some way, some how. Come back to me; talk to me when you're ready. I will not force you, you need to decide and learn this on your own. Even if you just need to talk to me as a friend.

I hope it truly isn't the end for us... I'm not hopelessly obsessed, just addicted to your love and then you were gone cold turkey. The same day I then quit gaming and caffeine. I am sorry my withdrawals came out on you.. I want to give you a window into our past if you ever just so have the desire to look here again on your own. Some of these posts I have made already I forgot you might have been able to see so... Sorry if anything hurts you. Not intentional. Just venting at points. This hasn't been easy on me. I love you and couldn't call this the end, just yet. Not like this. I saved all the memories in the memory box, when you're ready to go through them again some day.

I do hate my body though for not physically being able to hold back messaging.. Like I can’t shut the fuck up when you leave cold turkey like this. You've done this twice now so I know you didn't mean it. Sorry Crystal. You didn’t deserve that. My love was so strong for you I forgot to love myself... And let you go. I know you couldn't handle seeing me and my depression day after day.. You couldn't fix me and you felt defeated. I needed to see a doctor to wake out of my depression. I wish I could go back and delete the messages. Those last few messages I just wanted you to get help with your thyroid. For you, not for me. Even though reading them they did come off like I'm trying to be an asshole. I wasn't trying to. Just feral after covid depression and being hit with you leaving without talking through things, that's all. It came off wrong, it was a bad time for me to try to help you while you were so upset.

I wouldn't have known you didn't mean this breakup to happen if you hadn't told me about your password in the exact way you had at least 25 times in our relationship with the exact words: "This is my password. Remember it. If there ever comes a time when you need to get in, use it; I have nothing to hide." I heard it singing that night in my mind... I KNEW something wasn't right. I had to listen to your past words and take your past words seriously after you saying it so many times. I did it for you; not for me. I only made sure I got caught because I hated myself for looking... Even though I was only following your own words because I love you and I cared enough to remember you telling me you had nothing to hide.

Maybe some day we can be mature enough to actually talk about things again.

I will be getting medication soon to help with the pain. I didn’t mean to take out all my frustrations on you, a lot has been built up inside me during the pandemic and I burst open with the cut of you walking away cold turkey. I hope you can find a doctor for your thyroid and other therapy you will need to get through this. Don't forget I love you and that I'd still do anything for you; even after all of this.

If you need help and don't know where else to go, talk to me. I'll help you through anything but you have to be willing to listen. - and if you don't know where to find me anymore... Talk to your mom. She should help us reconnect if you can't find your way on your own. I'll be waiting, but also focusing on bettering myself, too. Take care of yourself, love.

I hope you have the ability to forgive me some day. We had good times, too. Mostly good times. But that doesn’t make up for a year of depression and isolation. If you apologize I will have a lot to think about. But, I know... I will never forget you. What we had before he started interfering. I should have known when you were so hesitant to add him in PoGo. And then weeks later "someone" was bothering you on Facebook but you wouldn't tell me who. You said you could handle it on your own telling him to go away. I trusted you and dropped it. I let you handle it because I trusted you and can see your strength, but isolation made both of us weak. Thats where this all stemmed from... You sat and debated so long to add him in PoGo or not and I never understood...

But I understand why now... At least the tip of the iceberg. I saw months of his prying and prying thanks to your foresight of telling me you never had anything to hide from me. Thank you for telling me that. I knew something was wrong. I never meant it as a harmful act or selfish, only to help you. I made it look selfish and said that I did it for myself to try and protect you. I thought it would be easier on you to hate me... But even then

Later the next day you said "I don't hate you" from the bottom of your heart. I know that was you talking to me, not the panic. Not the entranced Crystal that couldn't control leaving. You didn't want to leave, but your body wouldn't let you stop and think. Neither did I.. I was so confused how you'd leave so much behind with places starting to open up, seemingly so easily. But we can't see when we are being manipulated by ourselves. We need others to tell us and try to help, so I did. I gave it all I could.

I was only doing what you always asked of me, that if you needed help I knew how to get in. That was always so important to you... Talk to me when you're ready.

I'd still love to go to this with you. So you can go for yourself. Doesn't and shouldn't be going for me until you're ready again. But, we owe it to ourselves to go and enjoy the things we love again. You wrote that paper on them and broke down their music. Don't forget that and that you love these bands too. We talked so much about their new songs as they were coming out. Do it for yourself. But yes I want to go too. Just not .. alone.