#and underlying all of that my family fucking sucks and i can't do anything about that. and the world fucking sucks too

[bladeofthestars]

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[papakhan]

Hello hello, some asks for Fleabag and Sun~

3. How did your oc discover themself? Did something cause them to question, or did they always know?

9. Are there cultural or lore specific aspects to their identity? If applicable, does their species affect it?

Yesssssss so excited to talk about Fleabag in this

3. How did your oc discover themself? Did something cause them to question, or did they always know?

Fleabag Fleabag's WHOLE story is about this, they were raised by their father who was opposed Papa Khan and what he was doing to the Khans. Fleabag's dad was wildly homophobic and transphobic which was the basis for a lot of his hatred of Papa (who in my world is gay and trans) and Fleabag unfortunately internalised a lot of that. He was very hard on Flea growing up, policing all of their actions to make sure they were acting like a good masculine man and not anything that could be mistaken for one of Papa's Khans. However when Fleabag passed through the Khans initiation rites and (as part of my hc for the Khans) was taught all the steps of making a leather jacket by the community, Fleabag saw all these Khans they'd been taught were their enemy being-- happy as themselves-- which Fleabag was not. And that ate at them for a long time. Fleabag kind of had to explore their own identity on their own, or in secret, and it wasn't until after their dad died did they truly start living as themself.

Sun ON THE OTHER HAND. Sun has basically always known. I think I've explained enough already but Sun's very lucky to have always had a big accepting family and the ig awareness of what he can be? He probably just thought he was gay for a little while at first when dating Manny but then realised he was bi later.

9. Are there cultural or lore specific aspects to their identity? If applicable, does their species affect it?

I'll just answer them together because they're from the same group just different subsets of it but it'll make more sense if I do it this way. So I've mentioned this already a little bit but I think the Khans especially have a weird kinda relationship with gender/sexuality that's born from them being raiders. In general, I think relationships in raider groups are very 'fast and loose', you never know who will die next or stab you in the back so it's better not to have commitments unless you're certain. People obvs are yknow trucking n fucking but things are just a lil different, and it was like that in the New Khan days but things have changed by the time of the Great Khans. The New Khans were a long time ago for a lot of Khans but for some its still within their lifetime (it's 40 years between the two) so some of this stuff is kinda new to them, within a generation or so! And the same goes for queer acceptance, in my hc, Papa being gay and trans and taking over the Khans flipped the New Khans on their head. The underground queer scene in the New Khans was suddenly the only community left to rally the survivors into the Great Khans. Papa Khan's Khans who evacuated California became the most powerful splinter of the New Khan remnants because the other splinters either tore each other apart OR got ripped apart by the NCR. most Khans were just grateful Papa was a fair and just leader and if they had any homophobic feelings about it they either had to suck it up or die out in the wastes. All this is to say that in my hc, by the time of the Great Khans acceptance is very high and the small groups of homophobes who want things to "go back to the good old Darion days" are very small, and also can't do shit about it except occasionally rock the boat i.e Bitter Roots parents and Fleabag's dad. It really just depends on what part of the Khans someone was raised in, and there is some underlying toxic masculinity that hasn't been scrubbed out yet which affects some people like Fleabag or Jerry. ANYWAY. in general I think raiders tend to be a little more loose unless they've got something going on like Garl Death-Hands whole shit with his dad. They kind of don't care what you are as long as you can fight and you're cool and badass. The Great Khans specifically have been carving their own path in terms of queerness and tbh NOBODY is doing it like them and I cant fully explain without making this post even longer but like. you understand.

[coffeeallaloneandlord]

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got out my laptop to write a vent post like it's 2014 idk i'm just like ruminating on every breakup i've ever had and realizing after 15 years of trying to fit the role of girlfriend that is really just not for me lol! like i really thought i was on that path but if there's been any theme to my life so far it's that my path is not straightfoward like i transferred high schools i transferred colleges i moved to a new state without knowing anybody lost my housing immediately in a pandemic and still made it fucking work now i manage a restaurant which i could have NEVER seen myself doing 4 years ago even tho i always wanted to. the first most significant relationship i had when i was 18/19 was with a really genuinely great guy, i broke up with him because i knew somehow that i was too young and had a lot more to experience. it sucked because i loved him deeply and still did for years afterwards to a painful degree lmao. that colored a lot of my subsequent relationships thru college and beyond, which mostly: sucked. and they sucked because they all paled in comparison to the great relationship i had given up in order to have the freedom to have shitty relationships lol. so then i had some shitty relationships, interspersed with periods of girlbossing, then when i was 26 i started dating someone (long distance that i met thru a friend) who was really a perfect match for me in so many ways and i genuinely thought like this is it. literally had king of my heart on the relationship playlist, baby all at once this is enough. but then over time the realities of what it would take to really build that relationship, especially if it meant marriage, actually sank in for me and all that i would have to give up about myself, the life that i've built here, that i fought so hard to build. also i've said it before and i'll say it again.... this grown man let his mother do his laundry. this red flag represented more family dynamics that i won't get into for his sake but it was like once the puzzle pieces fell into place about what i was being asked to sign up for re commitment and marriage it was like omfg no. i will not be doing this man's laundry in 5 years' time fuming and resentful. so i ended that relationship which sucked because all my breakups SUCK i can never have a half decent breakup to save my fucking life, but i was still of the mindset that he wasn't the one for me and i needed to keep looking/waiting. i've dated here and there since then. but what took months and months to sink in the aftermath of that breakup was that the little details like the laundry and the distance that caused that breakup and not the underlying cause of all my breakups since i was 16 which all boil down to i don't wanna do this anymore lol. some people think the term honeymoon phase is controversial or whatever but that has been the case for me in every single relationship ive had that's gotten off the ground. relationships that don't get off the ground are a completely different story lol the only similarity is that every breakup ive ever had big or small sucked ass. to the point where it would lead to me staying in relationships way longer than i should have to avoid a traumatizing breakup which as we all know only makes the breakup worse [[laughing emoji x 13]]. so now like thinking about a guy a like and care about and him hypothetically asking me to be his girlfriend and i can't think of anything fucking worse. like no shade to the girlfriends out there. but my experience of being a girlfriend, even of a guy who treats you well, is that they are using the experience of possessing you to feel good about themselves. all guys do this. the guy who wanted to marry me treated me like aphrodite and worshipped the ground i walked on. and i believe he truly loved me, in a way no one ever has. but it felt perverse after awhile, like in the end it was really serving him. my laptop may die and i don't wanna lost this post, if you're still reading tysm for reading my stream of consciousness <333 if you didnt read this far sorry for not being perfectlol