#and ultimately i guess we'll see. it depends on what i end up doing outside the blog whether i end up having the time (or energy) for

[front-facing-pokemon]

[letterstodreams]

A Conversation with Possibility

I am going to indulge in a free-association ramble, because I think it might help keep my creative flame alive, to keep this blog alive, to lead it to its ultimate purpose. But I guess this might be a very idle, what's the point kind of post. I need to get them out of my system, sometimes, maybe. Sometimes they seem to have much more point and purpose in retrospect than I realized while writing, but we'll see.

I am afraid my writing isn't very good, but I don't want to worry too much about that. I seem to enjoy re-reading my writing sometimes, and other times not, and depending on my state of mind the same thing I wrote can appear good or awful. I wanted to create stories that are beautiful but I'm afraid that I won't have the focus, energy or time to do that. I wanted to be readable to others and enjoyable for them to read, if anyone ever read this. But it will be more like a journal type of thing, maybe something others can enjoy, but not the kind of things most people would probably usually read for fun, I guess.

And I wanted to write this in a way that would preserve my privacy, and to be able to appear as someone who won't be too judged too often. And as someone whose tastes and personality and lifestyle do not cause a bad taste in peoples' mouths, or make them think, meh, not for me, she's not like me, I'm not interested. Making them feel like they don't enjoy what I say, so much or at all, just because I'm not like them. I'm weird, tacky, dull, dumb, boring, or just too plain different than they are. My tastes, my style, my personality, all might appear annoying and odd or unrelatable to many, so I wanted to somehow make it appear ordinary, not because I think it's wrong as it is, but because it's not important to me to assert my personality or uniqueness, right here in this subject matter. The important thing is the lessons I can share, that go beyond personality or individuality, to something in common with many people, across many different sectors of reality and humanity. But I don't know if I can avoid bringing my oddness into it. It might be too difficult or impossible to pick it apart from the rest of it all.

I wanted to write about all the ways I think the characters in my mind might help me change my life. I wanted to make it into some inspiring story or some kind of fast-paced adventure, where I'm leaping into change, or at least planning how to do that, figuring it all out. I wanted to maybe talk of the tiny steps to take too, that will change my life until it's where it needs to be, somehow. These are the things I want to make into exciting or exhilarating stories for others, and for myself, too.

But I'm afraid no matter how I portray it, it will be just me, boring, odd, outsider, misunderstood, unpopular, alone, again. And if I am to be happy for what I can give, rather than what I can receive, this might work, but can I really be happy that way? Can I let go of the need for recognition or understanding, but just give what others want or need? Can I be content, or will it be enough for me? Can I be happy to change for my own self, to write all this for my own self? Or will that not work for me because I need understanding, help, insight, perspective, from others? But what if the perspective I need from others is something they just can't give? What if they can't see me clearly enough to give the perspective I need, whilst my own perspective is so very distorted too? We all tend to need others to help us even up, balance out, and clarify our perspective of things. But for some who are so far beyond the norm, it seems no one can see us, and we have no help seeing more clearly.

So I'm afraid this blog will end up going the way of so many of my other blogs- turning into something too distorted, too self-focused, too stagnant and lacking answers or solutions, lacking real action and direction. There was a good reason I took a break from blogging for a long time since losing the place where I felt a tiny bit more heard. I realized the need it served was questionable, to say the least. The need maybe was real, but whether it served the actual need effectively was a big question mark. It never felt real or clear just what was going on.

I don't even want to hear what others have to say about my writing. I've been profusely complimented on my writing before, especially by teachers in high school, but that was so long ago that maybe I've lost much of what I learned or whatever talent or creative flow that helped me write well, back then. But I've also seen plenty of writing criticism which I disagree with in writer's communities. Much of what others like or dislike reading is completely different from my own tastes. I only want writing criticism if it will create writing that I myself would like. So even the idea of wanting to write better just feels like a question that hangs there, can I even know what to do to write better in a way that I even care about? And if not, can I make this writing start to feel less like an endless string of words that is a burden sometimes to tangle through and extract the good ideas again, if there even are any such good ideas? What feels important one day can seem so insignificant or confusing the next, sometimes. What I thought was the solution to my problems can seem dull, ineffectual, impossible to implement. Some earth-shattering epiphany jotted down and reread can appear like jargon, incomprehensible and vague.

But I'm going to try and see if I can somehow piece things together, turn them into a different angle and configuration and make them work and make more sense, even if it means that I must throw a lot of things out and change the whole plan or approach I thought that I was going to have. Truthfully though I have had many great insights and strides made in my life through my journals and blogs. But it needs to be more, or so I hope it can. My life crawls forward but circumstances sometimes surge ahead and I feel I might be stranded if I can't progress faster and further than I've been going for these so many years now, struggling to do all I can. But there's got to be a better way. Or, maybe there is, at least.