#and trust me I have been pushed soooo fucking much that I've wanted to be violent but just broke something or hurt myself instead

[blackstarchanx3new]

FSR rambles wanna know what's funnier than 24? ...25

Huh so Vio's confusion from earlier makes a lot more sense.

Link was shutting them off from listening much again...

Nice going Link.

I'm sure this isn't causing massive communication issues or smth...

I think this just speaks to how LITTLE Link trusts Vio to sympathize with his mental health struggles that he just cuts him out of it all together.

Also the dialogue here for the middle panel:

Vio doesn't KNOW for a fact Blue was in on those conversations...but it's a fact he WAS thus him being there in the visual representation. Vio isn't actually aware of Blue being in on it.

I'm sure he's at the point of questioning that though...

I wouldn't say it's Blue and Green with trust issues Red, it's Link X'D

And he for sure DOES distrust you.

Furthering the point Link is broken thus the team is broken.

Shadow drops by cause the convo with Zelda is done (Jeez it's been awhile since I've looked at these pages lmao)

And Vio asks about his hair which...FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT.

Answer a question with a question...nice one Shadow Link. 🙄

He's very sensitive about the ganon hair haha.

Which is why I think his questioning on if Vio LIKES IT is genuine even if it's there to steer the convo somewhere else.

Vio's too smart.

Though, Red weirdly wants vio to stfu about actually ASKING...Which uh...

I'd like to remind you of THIS PANEL where Link's purposely being obtuse about the Triforce on his own hand after their Triforce discussion.

Then we get to shitpost territory with Shadow burying the lead on Dark to talk about how he and Green had sex. Which just...

OKAY SHADOW X'D

Vio's response is...interesting.

I think this is where a lot of people might have realized this is a poly story lmfao.

Vio gives no fucks in fact he seems INTO IT despite him saying he "Doesn't care" sure buddy.

Vio and Shadow's "Relationship" is up in the air on what the hell it even IS at this point and Vio is butt at hiding the fact he loves Green soooo.

Works out for both that they like Green. XD

Red's over here losing his shit.

Shadow AGAIN brushes over Dark just calling him someone they need to be introduced to....Lmfao.

Vio's mention of looking for Blue is kinda sweet. He cares. Shadow on the other hand knows Dark's handling it so is fine with leaving poor blue 😭

And red.

lmfao. Bye Red.

Genuinely giving him ANYTHING to do early on was...DIFFICULT.

I have a story thread for him but BUILDING to that was...Not fun for his character X'D

So often he got shafted but I hope when he has his time to shine people enjoy it haha.

Sad boy hours.

Blue's back though!

...This is so random but I'm so glad I started doing colored text boxes I gotta THINK who's talking reading back on these X'DDDD

Green's so sweet giving Blue a lil hug.

Poor Green's frazzled out of his mind and Blue's just struggling to talk emotions.

They're a mess. X'D

This entire interaction is so funny to me.

"What did he DO...?" GREEN. WHAT DO YOU THINK!?

I think Blue's justified in being a LITTLE irked that this weird curse entity was sent to get him instead of one of his teammates X'D

but also: they had no idea where he ran off too lmfao. Dark Link's got a Link radar he can find him easy.

One of those things where there was no GOOD solution to this and Green did the best he could, but Blue's frustration imo is still very justified.

Poor Green trying to rationalize his choices and Blue's just like "Stfu"

And smacks Dark link X'D

Poor Dark.

"you look like a dumbass with a squid on his head" might be one of my favorite FSR blue lines.

Green's addition of "i feel like a dumbass" is so stupid XDDD

Green's beyond strung out just letting Dark sit on his head while him and Blue talk about wtf they're gonna do about this.

It's really fun looking back into this transition period where half the cast knew about Dark and the others didn't really.

I remember wanting to push past it quickly because I wanted to get to juicy territory and interactions.

...I love Dark hugging Green's hair. He's so cute.

it's worth mentioning AGAIN that Green and Blue have VERY DIFFRENT experiences with Dark with EACH OTHER but ESPECIALLY VIO.

Dark TORTURED that dude lmfao.

Vio met ALPHA BUILD DARK LINK LMFAO

Green chastising Dark for doing his typical shit with Blue lmfao.

HE TRIED GREEN HE REALLY DID.

"Blue is the color of difficult" will now proceed to live rent free in Blue's mind X'DDDD

I'm sure I've mentioned it but Dark Link struggles to speak properly in this form. (it's a form that doesn't require him much effort or energy to maintain thus...doesn't have a lot of "Features" lmfao.)

Blue pulls Dark off poor Green's head to give him head scratches.

I'd panic if I sat on Blue's bare thighs too Dark. Look at him go polite gentleman.

Blue's being HONEST with his FEELInGS.

What a treat.

Dark smacked some sense into him during that fight hah.

Poor Blue has anxiety about being Link now. Poor dude.

Blue just wants to get intros over and done with knowing stuff's gonna be hard. But uhhh....

Dark Link isn't a fan.

Lmfao.

Didn't have him turn back into his hylian form to sit in Blue's lap wym.

Poor Dark doesn't wanna do stuff with people rn. he's burnt out.

Which...FAIR.

Dude had a meltdown with Blue he's exhausted.

Green's genuine horror paired with "WHAT DID YOU DO!?" just reminds me of that scene from the Cuphead show where King Dice shouts the same thing X"DDD

Though: it's kinda sad that Dark was 100% right in being nervous/hesitant to meet the others...

Green's protective Blue that's his baby!

Obligatory Dark says smth fucking weird cause it's funny.

Green's willing to let Dark have a break while...Blue has a good point too.

Poor Green doesn't get the peace he wants. 😭

meanwhile Dark's just blatantly staring at Blue X'D And he's put off by it.

Blue...c'mere I got a secret-

HE LIKES YOU-

Being a dick won't push him away Blue. He's in love with VAATI you're a drop in the bucket in terms of rudeness.

it's been established: Dark doesn't know how to handle being PERSEIVED at the moment. Especially by the Links. He's still super shy.

Poor Dark, blue makes fun of his stutter. 😭

Green rightfully tells him off

Dark holding their hands is so sweet.

He's someone that holds his heart on his sleeve to his own detriment. Just wanting them to know he's happy to be with them and that the day is nice (presumably because he's with them.)

Blue's being a bit of a negative butt but concedes a bit when Green says he's happy too.

Him poofing back to being his "Squid" form on Green's face just personally is funny.

It's so silly and cements he has ZERO idea of personal space.

It's even worse for Green because Green's scared of tentacles. 😭 (wanna have that brought up at some point...but it's due to the vaati fight)

Lmfao. Red you're so annoying.

"ARE WE THERE YET!?"

Literally third wheeling the Vidow X'DD

Vio out here starting shit lmfao.

Shadow knows too.

LMFAO Vio trying to find solutions is uh...KINDA an issue now hah.

He's super out of the loop about the curse now so...ouch.

Vio's being a bit of a bitch boy about it because he's bitter.

Reasonably so but ooomf.

Vio my duuuude...pls c'mon man. Act mature. 😭

Vio casually tipping right over Blue's current anxieties about going back to that. Which...Blue has zero self control so NOW WE'RE DEEP IN SHIT LMFAO.

And Vio's response is FAIR.

Link cut him out so much he's missing a FUCK ton of context about how BAD it was for everyone.

NICE GOING LINK.

Blue's ALSO pretty justified in being PAST the point of WANTING to discuss things with Vio due to how dismissive he's been about their pain.

it's a self fulfilling cycle of bullshit they've trapped themselves in.

Blue really fucked up in mentioning that Link's basically NOT gonna happen anymore in saying "We're not compatible as a person"

Lmfao not red hiding behind the couch. Coward, Vio feels ALONE right now in wanting to return to being Link, and you're the only one VAGLEY on his side. And instead of trying to mediate or help he just leaves Vio to get more and more defensive as Blue yells at him till he runs away to Link's room.

Well damn.

Everyone's expressions after Vio throws his tantrum is...INTERESTING.

Green's HORRIFIED and he's glitching WAY more than before.

Blue's in shock. Probably at how CHILDISH that response was not expecting vio to blow up at him back.

Shadow's also equally horrified as Green.

Red...Red's weird.

Red just stares kind of unfazed. Mild surprise maybe.

"huh...weird" kind of face.

That's quickly brushed by though with Green starting to glitch WORSE.

Blue's concerned.

Green starts gooping. And not in the fun way.

Blue tries to console him and gets...Corrupted for a lack of a better term.

His arm corrupting into Green's.

Link's body contortions and glitching are real similar to this.

It's been shown a few times that their mental state affects their appearance, but NOW it can affect OTHERS appearances.

Green at this point has been pushed to stress and anxiety till he broke poor guy, he's been worried about everyone's safety and been trying to do what would help them and it just hasn't worked out.

Shadow's stuck not sure what to do. As a Shadow he was forced to do NOTHING while Link had moments like this.

Blue snaps him out of it taking charge.

I've always considered Blue second in command. ESPECIALLY in FSR.

He was the only other color Link trusted enough to confide in other than Green and able to pull his head out of his butt to help Green AND Vio in this situation.

Blue's VERY aware of WHY Green's panicking rn. (he's worried vio's going to harm himself in some way...not a stretch to make that assumption and it's brought up later but YEAH that's why he freaked out.)

Vio just needed to have a bitch fit in his room for a bit though and didn't mean to cause that fear.

If he knew I don't think he would have left quite in that way.

but again: Link kinda shot them in the foot leaving half the team aware of shit and the other half NOT.

Either way Shadow's got a job to do.

Lmfao

"Damn it link... you ass" makes me laugh. Blue's so terrible with words.

Turns out Blue mainly was on team "let's not be link!" BECAUSE he was worried about Green having too much shit on his shoulders.

HE WASN'T WRONG.

Some interesting thoughts there pal.

I've always wondered what kind of pressure Green must have felt to be LIKE Link and also be the leader.

Like that's double pressure there.

Being link but BETTER while only being a 1/4th of him sounds like such a task weighing his mentality down.

He's only assigned to that role because...well he's wearing GREEN. not really because of any other reason.

He's just as dumb as the other three.

I've always found it interesting, usually the leader type characters are the Vio's of the group.

Book smart and a bit stuck up.

but instead we get green and...I've joked he's diet Link but fr lol he KINDA IS.

What he lacks makes his personality more so than what he HAS.

His selfishness and ego getting removed making him IMEDIATELY want to work together for instance.

Anyway green analysis aside, Blue acknowledging he fucked up here is good.

The completely black background making you ONLY focus on these two talking was for good reason, Green's weird word bubbles too.

Reality feels like it's breaking around them and if this was voice acted I imagine Green's voice sounding distorted and disjointed here.

Like this is just his thoughts repeating to himself about what Link BEGGED him to do.

Both their glitching just getting worse as the paneling goes by.

Green's all sorts of fucked up. over leaving the other three because he was angry at them. So much guilt is harbored there now over that action.

Also I just wanna point out how brave Blue is.

Touching Green is PAINFUL for him, he yanked his hand back when he touched him initially. He also SAW the corruption it left behind and still chose to hug him here.

Like for all he knows they could become that Link monster thing again but he cares more about Green than that.

Blue's the goat.

Everyone telling Green stuff he's needed to hear.

Even Dark came out to help.

Dark's lines are super fun just because mmmmm it gets into Dark and Green's relationship and i like Darkgreen XD

Green did MASSIVELY change Dark's mission by appealing to his desire to be a hero and changing his mind.

Without Green the others would be SO COOKED.

Dark doesn't consider his mission a failure because he changed course a little and neither should Green.

They're very sweet for each other. QuQ

Not them slapping each other with pillows like children. 😭

Vio, Shadow, you both are too old for this shit.

I flip flop between finding this scene funny or disturbing.

I mean at the end of the day it's a couple smacking the shit out of each other due to their emotional issues. 😭 That's not healthy.

But also...the imagery is so silly looking and they're not actually HURTING each other.

Idk I feel like you could look at it either way.

Shadow mentions it here, but Green was worried about Vio's physical safety. Which....Vio doesn't get. Because Link wanting to game end himself has been NOT shared with him.

Vio's deep in his own insecurity atm.

This is a reference to what was said in the OG manga , that everyone was holding Vio back buuuut our purple buddy feels differently.

Especially with how he feels really bad rejection at the moment.

Vio wrongly assumes people don't want to be link because HE'S THERE. Which isn't true.

Shadow feels bad cause a lot of their issues are wrapped up in the whole Vidow arc of the manga lmfao.

Shadow feeling his OWN guilt over waking Link up which...Dark called it just sayin-

Also points out that Blue "is an ass" but yeah Blue could have worded himself better here. X'D

...We reached the image cap ouch. X'D

Continued vidow later on muahah.

[elix8r]

never thought id do this but heres an essay on my thoughts on monkey bars 😭😭🤍🤍🤍

let me preface this by saying you did such an amazing job with this truly, you wrote so so well and i feel like you encapsulated every perfect emotion in the best way possible, and somehow it just gets better and better? i forgot how pt 1 went so i reread it before i read pt 2 and i was blown away again but youve even improved somehow ?!!? youre like the gift that keeps on giving 💋 also, thank you so so much for pushing through and writing this, i know it couldnt have been easy struggling with writers block but i hope u know we all think the world of this fic so please see the worth of your work 💗

ok now MY THOUGHTS!!! oh my lord, where to begin… first of all, same as before: from part one, i was already irked with jake when he pulled the beomgyu shit (albeit i moved on pretty damn fast surprisingly) but the cliffhanger you left us on was a game changer like he crossed the line so bad. i was conviced i would never forgive him. if someone did that to me i would have the exact same reaction as y/n tbh. anger later sad confusion panic first. and seeing the aftermath in part 2??? first of all, so glad she had such a good support system around her and people who actually put their morals first aka 02z bc u already know men irl would defend their “boys” first or whatever 🙄 hearing other girls gossip about her actually broke my heart cos if it was me i wouldve cried n had a panic attack there and then … and knowing my PARENTS know about it 😭😭😭

you wrote so well i was actually about to insert myself in NO JOKE!!!! like ok lets stray for a while but me personally i dont like “dumping” my emotions on anybody bc it makes me feel like im burdening them but when i read the scene when she went back home,, oh lord i wanted to cry in the dads arms there n then, u have a talent with words fr 🫣🫣

SORRY BACK TO OUR SCHEDULED ANNOUNCEMENT, nowhere in this fic was my heart set in stone. ok i lied. for the first 80% i was like FUCK THAT MAN HE DESERVES TO DIE IM NEVER FORGIVING YOU but then i started feeling pity too DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY YOURE AMAZING AT WRITING??? like am i throwing away my morals or am i just understanding that people are multidimensional,, woah lord,, like tbh i wouldnt have forgiven jake bc something of that scale is just not in my books, was way too extreme, but the way you wrote his character, his guilt, the actual situation??? couldnt even blame y/n for feeling sympathetic cos damn me too… i know a lot of people might not agree (especially irl. DEF NOT) but the way you wrote everything… how do you not feel bad for the poor boy 😭 in no way is y/n to blame for ANYTHING but at some point i started to be worried for jake too so i was like u know what. fine. get together with the boy. NO WAIT. idk. dont. IDK?!!!?

i think me personally, i wouldnt have been able to forgive him but i wouldve tried to move past it, despite how hard it would be. whether or not we get together would be a different question because rebuilding trust would take a lot, but,, yeah. overall i am soooo fucking satisfied with this, and the ending was so refreshing tbh!!! at first i was hoping they wouldn’t get together (literally when they kissed again i was like NOOO GIRLLLL WHYYYYY have more self respect!!!!) but after your slayful writing i was like nah u know what give them a happy ending,, n u did not disappoint,,,, i loved how it ended and that fresh start at the end was really like a breath of fresh air i have no idea how to explain it but it just genuinely did feel like a fresh start. i loved it. i will be rereading. thank you

OH MY GOSH THIS IS THE LONGEST MESSAGE I'VE EVER GOTTEN AND IM LITERALLY SCREAMING IN JOY BECAUSE OF IT!!

this was insane praise like omfg thank you so much! i always have such a hard time wondering if what i wrote is good enough to put out for you guys and to hear you say that is so meaningful to me 😭 the writer's block def was a bitch but hearing you say that you could see that I've improved makes everything worth it like i'd go through it again if it'll help me get better at writing im crying literally 🥹

so the whole time i was writing this last part i had a hard time deciding if oc should forgive him or not because personally i would never be able to but i just felt that the only way for this story to wrap up well and in a satisfying way would be if it was a happy? ending so i ended up just going with that and yes one of the main things i wanted to show was that everyone was rooting for y/n so i made sure no one excused jake's behavior

the scene where she went back home was kind of tough to write like i totally get you i get really emotionally invested even when im writing and jfc just imagining how my parents would react literally had me going through it like her dad was devastated and i think it really shows to what extent one person's actions/mistakes can effect cause this shit not only broke her down but also most of those around her so those scenes were def tough to write

but i am so so so glad to hear how much you enjoyed the ending and overall this story! you seriously just relieved me of so many of my worries regarding this story and i always feel like the best compliment is when people tell me they'll reread my stuff so thank you so so much for sending me this ginormous message and hope I'll continue to produce stuff you like! love you loads 🫶 🫶 🫶

[imperiusv]

Double Trouble I suppose 8.5/10

In my defense, I was planning to write last year, but i kept postponing it and postponing it and then work, travelling, whatever happened and i didn't write anything.... You know what I've realized, the better my life is going the less I write, the less i stop to think about things and the less i share i suppose. And then quite the opposite, the worst things are, the more i write in my diary or here, where besides a few porn bots and fake crypto scammers, nobody seems to be active. Well, the lack of activity is candid and self explanatory enough, i suppose. But lets get to the point, enough of this crap. I think its fitting to group these two years together, because of how similar they have been, although the last one, was a bit more crappier/stressful than 2023, but not by a large margin, and not because of something important, rather just work picking up and dominating the last couple of months. It's a side effect of being successful, or so I've been told by my boss. Both years were truly wonderful, I've never done so much travelling and exploring, I've never been to so many places and done/tried so many different things. And despite that I made and saved more money than i ever though i would be making, my life has never been this ordered and trouble free i suppose, since i can remember. Maybe that's what's troubling me? I am not used to things being this way, there was always some shit, one or another happening, there was always some fuck up, some struggle, something going the wrong way. It's weird, it puts me more on edge than anything. The very thought i have become weak and complacent because things have been so good, keeps me up at night and gives me no rest. It's like the small pea under the princess blankets. It's like im itching for a fight, like an old warrior, wanting to go to war, so he doesn't forget what is to take another man's life. As peace is a struggle against his very nature, his instinct for violence curls deep inside like a parasite, waiting for a chance to feed, begging for that chance to come....Sometimes i wish you would've been a little more patient and trusting, we could've ended somewhere much further. Or maybe its not true, maybe its just a false memory i planted in my head of an idea of you, that is not true and never existed. I went back home one time for a bit last year, everything felt so foreign and weird, i felt like i didn't belong at all. Even meeting with my friends and people i've known for... heck 10 years was different somehow, distant, fake if you will it.

Despite this "crippling self doubt", everything else has been fine and dandy. I didn't get more jacked than before, sadly im getting older and more injured every year, so still jacked, but I aint pushing it that much anymore, also im slowly going bald, lol, but buzzcuts look good on me soooo yeah, still a fuckboy. Thats enough for this year, see ya soon.

[touch-me-t-here]

Sept. 3, 2024 3:49 Part 2!!

I kinda would love his tongue in my mouth when I climb in his lap rubbing my soaked pussy against his throbbing dick. Oh my god to feel him slip inside me again. As soon as I get him inside me I wanna feel his hands grabbing my hips hard pushing me all the way down on him holding me there. I wanna hear in that specific bedroom voice he gets when he's inside me just to grind on him for now. I'd probably have to hide how giddy it'd make me to rub my clit against him as I grind his big cock against my cervix. I've never verbalized it but the way he fits inside me, it feels like the ridge of his tip rubs past my g-spot every time he hits my cervix. And then my clit pressed up against him can almost always drive me over the edge the first 1-3 times that he makes me cum. By that point I'm bouncing on him, these days I want free reign to claw at his chest and his back. He's bitten my thighs to the point they scarred, I want my name practically carved into his skin. I wanna take my time but also cum on him like I did the first night of our "super sex" as he called it where he was doing so good holding out and lasting soooo fucking long and letting me ride the fuck out of him and cum all over him like 14 times. At least that's when I stopped counting. Baby whenever you see this, I wanna cum so fucking much and so hard all over your face. I wanna lick my cum off your face and your lips and out of your beard and I wanna taste my pussy in your mouth. I wanna get the chance to cum all over your incredible dick 14 or more times till it hurts and clean every last drop of the mess I made on you with my tongue. I wanna know what it feels like for you to actually dump five gallons of your cum imside me and I still wanna know what it's like to be impregnated by you. Now I want to know what you're like when I'm pregnant with all your babies. I want my body to be so full of your children that you can't fit inside me past a certain point in the pregnancy that to get me off I get to ride your face all the time. I'm not even gonna pretend like it wouldn't be kinda hot if just by riding your face I came so hard that it got my labor started. I might let you brag about that actually. Well maybe. I've had issues in the past about that but I suppose as long as you're self aware and observant of other people like you usually are and you respect me as your partner then we shouldn't have an issue. But boy I have been branded by your teeth, I'm asking to be branded as the mother of your babies, stretch marks and title so I feel like it's pretty clear how I want you. I trust that you feel the same and I can't wait to have you again. 💘💋💌

[lovelahela]

❛ love of my life ❜ ─ bryce lahela, part two.

⇢ entry for choices february challenge !

⇢ pairing: bryce x f!mc (sunny soo)

⇢ genre: angst

⇢ prompt: heartbreak

⇢ song: love of my life, queen.

⇢ description: in which sunny finally confesses, but bryce is too afraid of hurting her.

or

love of my life, you've hurt me

you've broken my heart,

and now you leave me

love of my life, can't you see?

bring it back, bring it back

don't take it away from me because

you don't know what it means to me.

⇢ notes: keep reading tag will be added in the future. if u want to get tagged for open heart stuff tell me!! i hope u enjoy it ♡ feedback is appreciated!

Love.

It was a very strong word, but it's meaning and effectiveness have been diluted over the modern years. A word carelessly thrown around. Regardless, hearing three words that let you know you were loved was heartwarming, to say the least.

But saying them? That was a whole diffeŕent story.

And acknowledging that you are, in fact, in love with someone was a slap in the face in itself.

Sunny stood in front of her stove, humming some popular song she heard on the radio on the way to her apartment. Bryce stood beside her, leaning against the counter, careful not to stain his clothes with the sprinkles of BBQ sauce on the surface. He watched her with the semblance of a smile on his handsome features, admiring the way her hands skilfully prepared the traditional Korean dish she was so excited to let him try.

"It took me soooo long to get this recipe down. My mom was a mean cook, and I was a fire hazard in the kitchen up until I had to drop my unhealthy habit of living off instant ramen," laughed Sunny, sparing him a side glance. She sighed in content moments later as she appreciated the calming sound of rain drops pounding on whatever surface they could find.

"And you're sure you got it right this time?" Bryce grinned teasingly. Sunny gasped melodramatically and spun on her heels to face the surgeon she grew attached to over her hectic first year as a medical intern.

"Listen here, you little shit!" She pointed an accusatory finger in his laughing face, knowing he found her ridiculous rather than intimidating considering she had to look up to meet his eyes. A mischievous glint in her doe-like eyes and the evil smirk that stretched across her plump lips told Bryce that he was done for.

Sunny grabbed the spoon she had used to stir the ingredients in the pan, covered in tiny food particles and BBQ sauce, and smeared it right across his cheek. His eyes widened at her unexpected action and his lips, despite his horrified shock, stretched into an amused grin. She doubled over in laughter at his reaction, clutching her stomach after her abdominal muscles began to ache. Jovial tears streamed down her cheeks.

Bryce seized the opportunity and snatched the spoon out of her hands. He retaliated to her act of war by staining her mouth with the same substance his cheeks were covered in. She shrieked in horror and playfully punched his chest, dissolving into giggles yet again.

His heart fluttered when her laughter reached his ears and his gaze fell upon her lips, suddenly very eager to kiss her. Conflicted feelings arose in him, unsure of whether or not to act on his urges, knowing that once he did it, there was no going back.

But when she stared up at him with those wide, sparkling eyes and the most beautiful smile he had ever seen, logic crumbled under his impulses, and before any of them could process what was happening, Sunny Soo was in his arms with her lips locked with his in a kiss they had both only dreamed about before that moment.

His hands had gripped her waist tightly to keep her safe and steady against his larger body. She mustered the little physical power left inside her to stand up on her toes to relief the uncomfort from her craned neck.

And then, she muttered four seemingly harmless words against his lips that snapped him back to the harsh clutches of cold, hard reality.

"I love you, Bryce."

At that point, Bryce didn't know what to do anymore.

When they pulled apart, faces barely inches away from each other and breathing heavily, his heart broke at the hope sparkling in the gorgeous brown eyes he had fell in love with.

"Oh God..." The devastated whisper left his lips before he could process it. Sunny frowned, the light in her expression dimming by the second. Oh God? What was that supposed to mean? Was he... disgusted by her? Did he... not love her?

"Bryce?" Her cheeks were still burning, but her eyes had begun to glaze over with a thin coat of tears. The sound of her voice breaking damn near shattered his weakening resolve.

Words fumbled around in his brain in a confused mess. He stammered unintelligibly, eyes wide and breath quickening. He was panicked. For the first time in a damn long time, Bryce Lahela was speechless - clueless.

"I - I'm - I shouldn't have done that. I should not have done that."

Was he convincing her, or himself?

"What - What's that supposed to mean?" Her voice was growing weaker by the second. She took small, subtle steps away from him, beginning to feel smaller than she already was. Suddenly, they were both hyper-aware of the violence of the rain pattering against the window and the ground outside, mimicking the loud thumping of their rabid hearts.

"I... We can't. I don't... You deserve better. You deserve better." Sunny watched in surprise as he repeated those last three words in a hushed tone, as if attempting to assure himself. He ran his fingers through his hair, ultimately messing it up.

"I deserve better?" She laughed incredulously. "Bryce, I've spent the last few months convincing myself that I didn't even deserve to have you in my life, let alone love you."

"Are you - Are you fucking serious?" He rubbed his face with his hands and aggressively chewed on his bottom lip. God, I really messed up, he thought. "You're the most incredible person I've ever met. I'd move mountains for you - God knows I've tried."

He said the last sentence in a whisper, barely loud enough for her to catch - he didn't mean her to, really. Her eyes softened, but were still stained with the bitter pain of heartbreak.

"Bryce, please."

Pathetic, she felt. She was standing in her own kitchen, asking to be loved. How humiliating. The mortification overwhelmed her and pushed a steady flow of salty tears to run down her frowning face. She hugged herself in an attempt to feel less exposed under his watchful gaze.

Silence washed over them. He was racking his brain for ways to soften the blow to her, but part of him knew nothing could make the rejection she would face any easier. But this was for her own good, right? She was away from his buried feelings, away from the toxicity of his past, away from his unwanted trust issues. Sunny deserved someone who would grant her full, raw honesty and a stable relationship, because he could never give them to her.

"I can't. I can't do this, I'm sorry." His throat was constricted and strained the tone of his voice. She shut her eyelids as the words she was waiting for finally broke the silence that suffocated them and tested their diminishing patience. Despite her closed eyes, her cheeks were covered with a new coat of tears and her bottom lip trembled. She sucked it into the grasp of her teeth to try to keep it steady and hide how much his rejection truly affected her.

"Can you at least tell me if you felt anything at all?" mumbled Sunny weakly. "Is it just your insecurity holding you back, or do you really not love me?"

Nothing could prepare her or him for his answer. Bryce took a deep, shaky breath, mulling over whether or not he should tell the biggest lie he'd ever utter or yell the truth at the top of his lungs. Sadly, in the end, he knew better than to give her false hope for what never will, and did the only thing he knew would ensure he would never hurt her after that devastating moment.

"No, Sunny, I don't. I never did."

possible part three?

[creative-nightmares-37]

How to become punk

This is  4000+ words so it's a very long shot, and i made this a longgggg time ago but I hope you like it, at the bottom ill post his transformation!

"I don't understand it!" I sighed to myself angrily as I watched Patton blush.

     What's so great about Virgil?! I mean I could be like that!

     "Anyways Patton, I gotta go." Virgil says giving him a two fingered salute as he turned his back and walked away.

     "Oh my goodness Logan did you see him?!" Patton exclaimed. "I can see it now, we're going to own four dogs, and our house it gonna be mag-" He starts as I interrupt him.

     "I wouldn't look to far into the future Patton, your not even sure if you two at compatible ." I state feeling my heart break slightly.

     "Plus he's no good for you, he's got a bad reputation in the school, and previous schools."

     "Maybe that's why I like him..." Patton mutters to himself as he stares lovingly in the direction Virgil walked in.

      Patton, the school most innocent kid, has fallen for the 2nd most bad boy in ringwell high.

     And his best friend has to watch.

-

     "His hair is soooo purple now, it's a great color on him!" Patton smiles growing red in the face.

     "You know if you like him so much why don't you talk to him." I suggest putting on a fake smile.

      "But I couldn't!" Patton starts.

      "Yes you can, you've been swooning over him for the past two months." I say rolling my eyes.

     "Will you come with me then? I need a wingman." He pleas

     "If it will make you happy." I say knowing he doesn't know the double meaning to that statement.

     "Awe thank you Lo!!" He says as I lead the way to Virgil.

     "Hey teach, hey pat." Virgil states leaning back against the wall.

     "Hey Virgil!" Patton smiles, as they quickly start to talk.

      Soon I see a tall figure, covered with tattoos, hair in a Fo-hawk. Wearing a jean jacket with the arms ripped off combat boots and ripped jeans. Devan, the reason why Virgil is the 2nd biggest bad boy of the school.

     "Hey Virgil." He says voice deep. "who's this?" He asks raising a brow at Patton, and I can see his heart skip a beat,

     "I'm p-Patton." He states flustered

     "And I'm Logan." I state as Devan nods his head.

     "Well do you want to ditch next period. Virgil?" He asks as Virgil nods.

     "Sure thing Dee."

     "I'm going to get a new tattoo, I'm thinking snake scales right here." I says turning his head and pointing at his neck.

     "That's sweet! I think imma get a thunderstorm, or something" Virgil states as he licks his snake bites on his lips.

     "Well I'll see you two around." Devan says giving a wink to Patton and I can see his breathing quicken.

     "Sure thing." He blushes as the other two walk away.

     "He was sooooo hot! I would let him fu-"

     "Don't finish that sentence" I sigh trying not to sound sad as I fix my glasses.

     So Patton as a thing for bad boys huh, well I guess that is do able.

     "He Logan, I'm gonna be gone next week, my cousin is getting married!" Patton smiles as my heart explodes.

     "That's fine, I'll pick you up when your back." I state as he nods happily.

-

(Next week)

     "Virgil I need your help." I state as he glances up at me.

     "With????"

     "I need to be more like you, Patton has a thing for bad boys and-" I start but get interrupted

     "You have a thing for him, and trust me I can tell he likes bad boys." He laughs "but don't worry I got you covered." He states as relief washes over me.

     "But under one condition." Virgil states as my stomach sinks. "You need to help me with Mr. popular over there He states pointing over at Roman Prince.

     "Why that moron?" I think out loud as Virgil blushes.

     "I don't know, maybe it's because he's a moron, but you get him to at least befriend me, and I'll give you a free ride into Patton's heart". He states before mumbling "since h- a- does"

     "What did you say? Ya know nevermind, you have a deal." I say as Patton's smile flashes through my mind. "I bet I could do it within 30 minuets." I state confidently as Virgil stares at me strangely

     "If you can I'll even teach you how to build and ride a motorcycle." He laughs not believing I'm my capability's and Romans arrogance with his overwhelming lack of common sense.

     Oddly enough I'm pretty good friend with Roman, although it's safe to say I'm probably the Biggest nobody in the school, and he's the one who's got everyone around his finger, we make a pretty good team.

     I make my way over, as a smile grows on my face "oh Mr. Popular." I say in a goofy voice as he turns around with a smirk.

     "Oh great it's Einstein himself." He says putting on a face of disgust and I laugh. "What's up lo?" He asks.

     "Can I talk to you for a bit?" I ask as he nods his head and waved goodbye to his friends.

     "You good?" He asks In a soft voice as I nod.

     "I just got a few questions for ya that's all." I shrug "first what's your favorite color

     "Purple? Why?"

     "Do you like guys?" I ask

     "Wow big jump okay..."

"Oh shut it, i think i know the answer." I state slapping his arm as he chuckled under his breath.

"and uhh yeah I've been openly bi for a few months, I can't believe I didn't tell you." He laughs awkwardly.

     "What do you think of Virgil August?" I ask

     "I've never talked to him, he seems kinda Unapproachable." Thats what he says about everyone he likes, he uses it as an excuse, even tho he knows he cab talk to anyone.

     "Hmm, what about look wise." I ask knowing he won't catch on.

     He turns around full 180° and checks Virgil out in the least subtle way possible. "He's a cutie, I guess. But I adore his piercings."

     "Wanna meet him?" I say alittle surprise on how he hasn't even guessed why I'm asking all of theses questions revolving around the angsty bad boy.

     "Alright." He shrugs as we make our way over to the dark dressed teen.

     "Virgil this is Roman, Roman, Virgil." I state as he looks at me surprised.

     "Hey, your the receiver on the football team right?" Virgil asks as he doesn't know.

     "And your the kid who plays the guitar before and after school." Roman says giving his, what the girls call it 'heart stealing smile' and I can tell it worked on Mr. bad boy over here.

     "Uhh yeah." Virgil blushes. "I didn't think anyone heard that." He states bringing his hand to his neck and rubbing it nervously.

     "Your really good, Is love to hear you play sometime." Roman claims casually as Virgil shrugs

     "Roman! Come here!" I hear josh call as Roman holds up a finger telling him to wait.

     "Here." Roman says pulling a sharpie out of his letterman's jacket as he grabs Virgil's hand and taking off the lid.

     "Give me a call, maybe we could see a movie sometime." He smiles as he finishes writing his number and just as he leaves he turns around waves us goodbye and gives Virgil a wink.

     "Holy shit you did it. Holy fuck I have his number, holy damn he wants to take me to a movie." Virgil fangirls

     "Holy hell, can you say holy one more time?" I laugh as Virgil rolled his eyes.

     "Well, lets make Patton fall for you harder than I can fall down the highschool stairs."

I laugh as I remember Virgil staring at Mr. Royal pain, not paying attention to the snow covering the steps, as be sails down the stairs spraining his wrist as be almost manages to do a hand stand only to flip over the rail to the other half of the stairs. And somehow I was the only one who saw it.

-

"Alright Logan, now that you've built one, now you need to learn how to ride one." Virgil sighs as I look at my hands covered in oil and other substances.

     "Can I you know, wash up first?" I ask wiping my hair out of my face.

     " No you gotta learn now dammit." He states with a smile.

     "Uh alright." I state akwardly. "Ohhh you were using sarcasm weren't you?" I say as it clicks.

     "Yes, yes I was." He says shaking his head, but once you've learned how to ride, we will do something about this." I states pointing me up and down.

     "I'm thinking electric blue." He mumbles outloud.

     "You know if it makes patton, share similar, feelings I'll do it." I sigh

      "You do know you shouldn't have to change for him, he should like you for you." Virgil states uneasy.

     "That's the thing, no one is going to want to date a super computer with no style." I state.

     "Well, I'll do this for you, but I'm not going to have you do the permanent stuff, just in case you ever want to go back." He states as we make our way inside to get washed up.

     After an hour of relaxing I hear Virgil call my name.

      "Let's teach this nerd how to ride!" He laughs as I walk into the living room rolling my eyes, knowing full well he's just teasing.

     I follow him out side to see the motorcycle I built, and his.

     "So what have you driven?" He asks

     "A car and a Moped" I shrugged as he lets out a snicker

     "So you've driven a gay motorcycle?" He laughs." As I nod laughing with him. "Don't worry I've driven one too, but atleast you should be decent at riding this bad boy."

     "If you say so." I claim as I climb onto my bike."

     "So when riding your right hand is responsible for two crucial functions, acceleration and braking." He begins to explain "remember that a little twist on the throttle goes along way, you'll find that out when you find your ass on the pavement."

      "You have to be smooth when pressing the brakes, if not you can and will skid and cause an accident if you push the brake to quickly." He states moving over to the other side of the bike "but if you are going to use your rear break right here, you are going to have to multitask and use your foot, this is the most effective way of stopping." He explains while I make a mental note to use that one more often.

     "The clutch on the motorcycle is very similar to a car." He starts pointing at it. "You must brake slightly when switching gears, so your bike won't rattle. But finding neutralwitg your left foot will get some getting used to, make it a habit to clutch every time you switch." He stated as he grabs the clutch and puts it in neutral.

     "That about it, now go to first gear and ride."He states walking over to his bike.

     I take a deep breath in as I slowly let go of the break, hold down the clutch as I make it into first gear, and I start off down the dirt road.

     Slowly it becomes more natural, me using my left foot gets easier and I'm learning how to use the brakes without almost flipping the bike. After a few hours of riding around me and Virgil decide to call it a night.

     "You did good," he stays with surprise In his voice "better than my first go."

     "Thanks!" I smile at him as I walk inside and flop on the couch.

     "I say when we wake up in the morning, we go get some bleach and box dye, and mix up your wardrobe alright." He says throwing me a few blankets and pillows.

     "Thanks Virgil, really."

     "Anytime, plus you got me a date with Mr. Roman Prince so I might as well." He laughs slightly, " if ya need anything holler, I'm probably gonna be awake till, three."

     "Alright But you should sleep more, really." I state

     "Oh god your beginning to sound like my mother." He scoffs lightheartedly as he walks into his room.

     I pull out my phone to see a text from Patton,

Hey lo, my flight will be here at 10:30am on Thursday, I know your going to be at school. But I'm hoping you can still pick me up

Yeah that should be fine, and you know how you were telling I should change up my style?

Yeah! Omg did you do it,? What are you going for?! I think you would look fantastic with a piercing or two!! Or like a jean jacket!!

You'll see, let's just say I've picked up a few tips from our neighborhood edge lord.

Omg I'm so exited, I can already imagine what your going to look like!!

Yeah anyways I'm gonna head to bed I'll see you in a few days, goodnight Patton.

Goodnight lo, I have something ive wanted to tell you, but since your suprising me, I can wait.❤️

Strange he normally doesn't send hearts to me. I think as I feel my heat rate increasing. he's probably is just excited to see me all 'punked up' I think to myself as I plug in my phone and allow myself to fall into a peaceful sleep

-

     I wake up at a semi reasonable time, later than I normally sleep.

      I sit up and rub the sleep out of my eyes before realizing that I slept in my clothes from before.

     I stand up, and make my way into the kitchen to see a note.

I'm guessing you wake up early so if you so eat what ever, I'll be up around one, if you want you can continue practicing riding

-V

10 isn't early. I think to myself shrugging as I open the fridge and decide to make myself some egg toast. I'll make Virgil some before he wakes up.

     After about 15 minutes it's done yet food isn't really on my mind. All I can think about is patton. His smile, his laugh, his very sexual innuendos that are actually funny, how he's been by my side since day one. I love it how his curly hair springs back up when he pulls on them. The freckles that line his glasses, his dimples. He bright emerald eyes. He, in my eyes is the definition of perfect. But I'm worried he won't like me, even after I change for him, after all I'm just... me

     My hair is a taupe brown, messily combed back, so strands naturally fall in my face. Brown eyes, they sometimes look gold but they aren't anything impressive. I'm tall, lanky, boring. My smile doesn't light up a room. My laugh isn't the best. Patton is everything I'm not, so why am I trying so hard to 'win him over?'

     I sigh as I push my plate to the side, I know I'm in too deep, plus Patton already knows that my look is going to change so I might as well.

     I sit in the same spot at the breakfast bar, pondering, the 'What ifs' and all the possible endings if we got together, having some be a magical fantasy others, heart breaking friendship ruining endings . Apparently I was sitting here for a long time since Virgil stumbled into the room pulling out the milk from the fridge.

     "Logan I can feel your doubt in my sleep, what's up?" He asks with purple hair flying every which way.

      "I don't know, I feel like even after I change, Patton's still not gonna like me." I explain as Virgil laughs slightly

     "Are you Fucking me right now? Patton only ever talks about you!" He exclaims. "He May not know it but I can see that he is head over heals, believe it or not Patton is always happier when your around. He blushed when he retells the adventures you've been on, like I said were not doing anything to permanent, just making you pop, so everything clicks for him." Virgil says trying to lighten my mood.

     "But how do you know, all we know is he loves me platonically, Patton likes bad boys, and guess what I'm not." I huff as Virgil rolls his eyes as the doorbell rings.

      " Uhh I'll be right back, but this conversation is not over." Virgil states as he stands up and swings open the door to see Roman standing confidently, hair styled to his perfection, while Virgil is standing embarrassed, hair like a train wreck, purple pajama bottoms with storm clouds, and shirt less.

     "Uhh her Roman!" I hear Virgil squeak out "I didn't know you were coming."

     "Well I wanted to surprise you!" Roman laughs as Virgil pats down his bed head. "Trust me you look great." Roman complements as Virgil opens the door letting the taller In

     "Hey lo! What's up?" Roman asks as he slides into the chair next to mine.

     "The ceiling." I shrug. As he give me a small smile and shakes his head.

      "You ready for your hair transformation?" He asks giving me wiggly eyebrows, like the goofball he is.

     "Actually, I am."

     "Great! Cause I already got the dye!" Virgil says shaking two boxes, one is bleach the other a bright blue dye box.

     "I thought we were getting those today?" I ask aloud

      "Yeah but i was bored last night, sooo." He laughs while he stands on the other side of the breakfast bar.

     "When did you go out?" Roman asks.

     "4:30 I think maybe 5ish" He states already mixing the bleach.

     "Good god! No wonder why you sleep in so late." I claim surprised.

     "Yeah, yeah, I've heard it allllll before. Now come over hear and imma make your hair look hotter the Dee's. I glance over at Roman and I see a look of jealousy that's covered with a smile.

-

     "Is it supposed to feel it itchy?" I yell going into the shower for the second time.

     "Yes!" I hear the two yell

     "Just like last time!" Roman adds as I watch the blue run down the white tile

     "It looks like I killed a smurf!" I yell and I hear laughing.

      After the color fades in the water I hop out and get dressed.

     "Holy fuck" roman states with a giddy smile.

     "Your hair took the dye so well!" Virgil complements, well I think it's a complement. "Now let me style it!" Virgil says as I sit in the familiar chair, that I've been sitting in for 2 and a half hours.

     After fifteen minutes I hear the blow dryer get turned off and the combing stops.

     "Well go see your luxurious hair." Virgil's says pointing at a mirror and I'm met with the brightest blue hair I've ever seen.

     "Wow..." I say running my hands through my fingers speechless.

     "Now how do you feel about contacts?" I hear Roman ask.

      "I have some, but I normally don't use em." I explain as Roman pulls some out of his letterman jacket.

     "I stole theses from your house last night." He shrugs handing them to me and I take them rolling my eyes.

"You mean my landlord let you in?" I state raising an eyebrow as Roman nods and laughs with a cheesy smile.

     I get up close and personal to the mirror in front of me, and put them in with ease, while I can feel Virgil cringing.

     I blink a few times as it shifts into place. I look over at the two smiling like idiots.

     "Hey Virgil?" I start. "Do you know how to do any piercings?" I ask as he cocks a brow, smiles.

     "Yeah, I can do snake bites, ear piercings, tongue and eyebrows." He states,

     "I want all, except the tongue one." I state. If I'm being completely honest I've always wanted piercings but I've never had the means or courage to get them.

     "You sure? I mean they are a pain to clean." He states making sure this is what I really want.

     "Yeah." I state confidently as he leaves, and returns with a box."

     "I'm starting with your ears." He starts. "They are the easiest to do." He claims as he pulls out a lighter and a needle.

      "Roman go into the kitchen and find me a potato." He states as Roman stands up and leaves and Virgil starts lighting the needle.

     "Roman what's taking you so long?!" Virgil yells? After at least five minutes of waiting.

     "I'm coming! Calm you horses." He Roman sighs dramatically as he tosses Virgil the potato. And before I know it my ears and my lip is pierced twice.

     "Your right! This didn't hurt at all!" I say surprised as Virgil nods concentrating intensely as I feel his hands pinch my left eyebrow.

     " be still." He grunts as he gets a bigger needle with a piercing connected to the end."

     I feel the needle go in and this time it's painful.

     "Fuck." I mutter, as Virgil freezes in fear

     "Your lucky." Virgil states as he starts to clean up his gear.

     "Why?"

     "I normally don't do eyebrow piercings because there's a vein near there where it could permanently paralyze you, unless your lucky." He says

     "And your only now telling him?!" Romans gasps and I nod along.

     "Trust me, I know my Shit, I'm trying to be a professional."

     "But your not." I state as he gives me a playful glare.

     "Alright nerd, well I guess i cant call you that anymore, anyways lets go shopping."

     "I love shopping!" Roman smiles happily as we all head out the door

-

We come back with bags upon bags of  grungy/ punk outfits that I personally like, and will make me look 'cooler'

     "Well that's been enough shopping for me, my children and my grandchildren." Virgil says flopping on the couch.

     "Are you serious?" Roman gasps. "It was only 2 and a half hours!" He says

     "Well how long do you normally shop, Mr. Flamboyant over there?" He asks lifting his head from the cushion, just to let it fall back down.

     "I normally go out, and wander around all day, then go home with all my Goods." He states holding his few bags.

     "I'm so happy I'm not you" Virgil stare muffled as I get a call by the one and only Patton.

      "Hey Patton? What's up?" I ask and I hear a weak voice respond

     "Um, are you alone right now?"

     "Uhh." I state walking into Virgil room and locking it behind me. "I am now, what's wrong."

     "So uh, my cousin slipped up that I liked guys at her wedding, and my parents didn't take it well." He states voice cracking.

     "I'm so sorry Patton." I sympathize as my heart breaks for him.

      "It's alright." He sniffs. "But they made me come home early, and I know it's all of a sudden but I need a place to stay, and a ride, and I know that you just got your own place and I don't want to intrude but I-"

     "You can stay with me Patton. Where are you right now?" I say understandingly.

    "I'm out side the airport."

     I'll be right there, luckily for you, I just finished shopping so you can see my new style." I say trying to lighten the conversation.

     "I can't wait." He says and I can hear the soft smile on his face.

     "See I'm a few." I state.

     "Thank you so much Logan, really, and I've been thinking a lot, and I've decided that I got something important to tell you once your here."

     "I can't wait." I say just as he did to me as he hangs up and I open the door to clothes thrown at me."

     "Go to your lover!" Roman squeals as I stare at him and shut the door.

     "I get dressed in a long green shirt with a flower print on it, black skinny jeans and boots as quickly as possible, and I freeze at the door.

"Do you think i can drive all the way to the airport?!" I panic.

" Of course you can! Your a natural, just go on the back roads." He states worring a little since we didnt practice much.

     I soon arrive to the air port where I see Patton with a back pack and I pull up beside him.

     "Hey patton." I smile as I see his jaw drop slightly.

     "Holy fuck." He whispers but quickly turns pink.

     I open my arms as he clings on to me.

"What was the thing you were going to tell me?"

     "I Uhh... I've thought... um." He starts as he pulls away.

     "So, I was talking to Virgil and he made me realize that Ireallyreallylikeyou! Butnowyoulooksogreat! Andidontknowwhattodowithmyself!" He says quickly as my heart speeds up.

     And I do something the nerd I was would have never done. I grab his face and kiss him, and he quickly melts into the kiss. And we break apart smiling.

     "You have no idea how long I've been waiting to do that." I gasp as Patton blushes.

     "I liked your nerdy style, but I love this one." He states.

     "That's why I did it."

     I watch as his eyes grow wide as he runs his fingers through my hair. "Logan! You shouldn't have changed for me! I was going to ask you out anyway."

     "But I like the style too, so don't worry about that." I reassure him and he stares skeptically.

     "If you say so." He states as I take off his back pack and put it beneath the seat the I get onto my bike.

     "You coming?" I ask as he nods happily and climbs on the back seat, his arms snaking around my waist and as I begin to ride I feel his head lean against my back and I can truly say that this is the happiest I've ever been.

@dailypattondoodle @ashstormfall @loki-god-of-soap

[goldenhour-goldenboy]

hi!! after watching TF i got a Supernatural Dean and Sam vibe from Will and Benny, Will is like Dean and Benny is sam. It mentioned their dad in the movie and icouldn't help imagine him being a military dad, which is how they both got into this job. and Wills line of "I've been supporting him since the day he was born” about benny just reminded me of dean taking care of sam. could u write a fic about Will and bennys childhood and how you think it could have gone with a military dad away a lot! x

Soooo a couple of things 1) i’ve never made it past the third season supernatural and that was years ago so I hope the vibe is still what you wanted :) and 2) I was mainly working from other people’s experience with having a parent or both parents in the army and being in the army in the US is probably a bit different from being in the army in Germany buuuut I still enjoyed this snippet and I hope you do too! :) 

Growing up with their dad in the military (Ben Miller and William Miller, hc)

Both of the Miller boys grow up on strength, physically and emotionally, their parents keen on teaching the boys values and morales that are important to them. 

Their mother, an endless source of love, would always patch up their knees, dry their tears and help them with their homework. She’s the heart of the household, both of the boys inheriting her warmth and care. This is what she taught them, that there is strength in forgiveness and kindness and that every creature on this earth is deserving of love. It is important for her that her sons learn respect and honesty with one another, fairness and to be stronger than what the world might throw at them. 

He’s cracking jokes on Sundays where they are meant to be on their way to church yet they’re late again so they end up at a pancake place because there really is no point in going now. He’s morning runs, the brothers chasing after him until they get tired halfway through and he has to carry them back to the house, getting his own little workout in like that. 

The boys see their parents being in love, dancing around the kitchen, stealing kisses while cooking and even though they are children and that stuff is gross for them the imagine on what a relationship should look like gets imprinted into their minds.

Both of the boys grow up with at least one daily task to fulfill. It is their fathers way of teaching them responsibility and patience and care.

 William and Ben being in charge of the chickens in the backyard seemed like an excellent choice for that. they are in charge of feeding them and taking them out of the gutter and making sure the way to the enclosure is free and available ben learned to take responsibility the hard way, when he forgot to lock the gates one night and the chicken ran away in the cold, never to be seen again. His father, showing little emotions for that other than disappointment just shrugs and tells him to be more careful next time if he wants to avoid that from happening again. 

To the outside world his way of raising the boys may seem a bit extreme, even cold at times but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Their dad is still caring and incredibly invested in the boys, so much that he wants to do everything that they grow up string minded and healthy and independent, thats all that he wants from life and if that’s the way to get them to learn than so be it. most of this comes from his own father, having the family having a long line of history of vets and soldiers. it is a sense of belonging that he walkways felt when talking to his dad and he wants to pass that down to his own sons. and though they are grateful for the many lessons they’ve learned as children, little kids really can’t comprehend the situation as they grow up and are still young, let alone understand the intentions that go with actions.

It gets harder every time their father has to leave again. The boys don’t understand. It’s confusion the first time and some tears, they are trying to be brave and grown up then. The next time there are a lot more tears, more confusion, yelling and clinging until they reach a point where it’s silent tears and not even wanting to hug their dad and say goodbye. This is even worse than the yelling. 

It’s after one too times his father tells him he has to leave the next week, again, that William runs into the office, where his dad stores his belongings and the medals of his dad and pictures taken while he was in service, and pushes everything off the shelves before storming out the house. He doesn’t necessarily smashes anything as much as he just wants it all to be gone, leading to nothing being broken in the end but the gesture defiantly getting across. His dad finds William out on the front porch, the little guy waiting for him to come and confront him about his actions. Part of Will wants to stand tall and take whatever his dad has to say to him with pride and part of him is just utterly scared of the reaction he’s about to receive, anxiously awaiting the yelling his dad must’ve prepared. It leaves him with his chin up but his eyes watering and his lower lip quivering. When his dad just sighs and sits down Will’s nerves start to get the best of him and he breaks down crying because that’s the reaction he had prepared and now that there’s no outburst from his dad he’s completely confused into what he’s supposed to feel. His father can’t even be mad, it is such a clear and big signal from William to act out like that, he has to force down a chuckle. „You’re a brave guy, William Miller.“ His son is still sobbing and while he stops to take in a shaky breath Papa Miller opens one of his arms, not being able to see his son hurt by something he caused. „You need a hug, tough guy?“

William, even though being the older one, has a hard time dealing with the absence of his dad and missing him a lot more than he can handle. There are endless nights spent crying and getting terribly homesick, even though he is home. He grew up knowing what it was like to have a dad around and whenever his dad is gone, he can feel him missing. 

His obsession with numbers started then, counting the days his dad was gone, how many times he has to sleep before he gets to see him. It’s a desperate attempt to make the situation more bearable for him and it barely works.

Benny at the same time grew up seeing his dad from time to time. He’s used to the stories instead of memories and saying goodbye constantly before seeing him again some weeks later. He doesn’t remember his first couple of years as much as Will does, when his dad used to be gone for months at times. His world was much simpler, his questions could be answered with wonders and his mother telling him about how brave his dad is, fighting to come home because he loves his family so much. For Benny, his dad is a hero. Until he is not.

Puberty is hitting him like a ton of bricks and while his brother grew up with a lot of feelings, Benny suddenly gets a lot more input than he can handle. He feels everything, all the time and he truly doesn’t know how to deal with that. His dad being absent only feeds into his confusion, leaving Benny unsatisfied if he is home and missing him when he’s gone. He’s picking fights then, with his mom, his brother and most often his dad when he is actually home. Doors slamming, yelling and heavy footsteps on the stairs are common in those years and Benny loses the connection to his father for quite some time.

With Benny trying to sort himself out, William feels like he’s going through puberty a second time. They’ve moved a couple times by now and while Will comforts himself with books (they wont leave him and he can take them anywhere with him) Ben has gotten in with the wrong kind of people just one too many times. He’s out at night more than he can count, his mother not getting through to him and his brother only finding the wrong words. They’re at each others throats more and more, underestimating their own strength and forgetting that if they hit each other now it can become real dangerous real quick. 

It’s one night where Ben is coming home late. He’s drunk and trying to sneak in, actually bumping into every corner on his way through the house. He doesn’t even make it up the stairs as his brother, woken up by the crashing, comes down to help him. Hushed words lead to snarls lead to yelling, feelings that have been pushed down for too long explode. „What do you think dad would say if he were here? He would beat your ass to next christmas!“ „I don’t care about fucking dad! He can fuck off and die whatever shithole he’s stuck in now!“ They use words that cut deep and it doesn’t take long for them to roll around the hallway, fists hammering and hands closing around each other throats. Neither of them hear their mother shout, desperate for her sons to stop. She screams, she cries, she throws plates to the ground but they don’t hear her so she brings out the gun and fires a warning shot into the ceiling. Now they stop, startled and she sends them to bed before breaking down in the living room, a hole in the ceiling being the literal sign for something terribly going wrong right now. Their father comes home a few weeks later, both boys not interested in seeing him. William, who initially wasn’t even mad, actually understands his brother because he too, feels left behind. The last image their dad has of them is when they were 8 and they have matured a lot by that now. There’s no hug this time, the ceiling being fixed long before the boys learn to deal with their feelings and it takes an even longer time to forgive their dad, because after all it is their dad and they do care for him very much.

It’s a special kind of bond the Miller brothers share between them, their trust grown over years spending together and the thought about one leaving the other actually scaring them. Both of them like to know their loved ones safe and sound, a lot of their caring coming from the time that they didn’t know if their dad was alright. Ben and Will join the military at the same time, both beaming with pride and confidence. This is what they both wanted ever since thinking about their future, side by side and even though William struggles to come to terms with the thought that his baby brother might get hurt, he couldn’t imagine his service without him.

The day they get sworn in is probably the proudest day for the whole family. Their father is beaming with pride looking at his sons and both of them feel like they might explode.

There’s a lot they still haven’t talked about. The past is not an easy thing to untangle and feelings don’t go away like that, Ben and Will slowly understanding their father more and more as they experience violence and war and grief in the same way he did. Now they are the ones who get to see their parents from time to time, the tables being turned in a way they always suspected to happen but not being prepared for the way it actually is. 

It certainly helps to have a father who’ve experienced this kind of mental strain before and who knows what its like to go to war and then come back home. A lot of the adjusting with life back home they actually turned to their father to, family dinners often revolving around their stories and experiences and sometimes just quiet pats on the shoulders, as no words are needed to understand the struggle each one is going through. Not every action can be excused but they are older now and old scars are sometimes just that, old scars.

[tumortunes]

today i went on my first run

it was my first time running since my half marathon a year ago.

i had walked a bunch up until today. i think 3mi was my longest one. 5mi cumulative in 1 day. i've been trying to work on my endurance and strengthen my body bc every keeps saying that it's important.

and holy shit it was so hard.

i started out nice and slow like youre supposed to. my average pace for this 1 mile was 12:30ish. much slower than my typical pace of 10:00 but i mean i had brain cancer so i'll cut myself some slack. i felt really confident as i started out. i walked this path a ton of times before. i knew there was a lot of shade and just a slight incline. i was just gonna run the perimeter of the apartment complex which is a little more than 1mi. my goal was to fun 2mi today.

but that didn't happen.

i noticed around 0.8mi i was getting pretty gassed. i kept checking my watch to see if i was finally at 1mi. i was close enough so i did a classic mel and just pushed thru to get to 1mi. the second i hit it i sat my ass down on the side walk.

i felt horrible.

i was sweating like crazy and my stomach was cramping. it hurt so bad. i was feeling a little light headed. the more that i sat down the more i knew i was gonna shit my pants if i didnt make some moves towards the bathroom. i've felt like this before tho. i knew i'd be able to pull thru it. but pushing thru is what always gets me into these fucked up situations where i end up not listening to my body and going waaaaay past my limits in the worst way.

so i do my normal thing. i sit there in pain. sweating. gasping. kneeled over. light headed. deciding the best way to get to a bathroom. the clubhouse wasnt an option bc i didnt have my key card. just my keys to the apt. but the apt was far and would mean waiting for the incredibly unreliable elevator or climbing 3 flights of stairs.

but my double edged sword of pushing thru helped me this time and i clenched my butt cheeks and got to the apt and IMMEDIATELY ran to the bathroom.

it's difficult for me to come to terms with the physical limitations that i have now. im very used to being uncomfortable and tired. even before cancer. im a mind over matter person and i always trusted myself. i thought that if i could just get over the mental hurdle, that my body could do anything i wanted it to. sometimes it didnt work. but usually it did. but now that mentality is probs more toxic than helpful.

i think i've always been bad a recognizing the limits to my body. i never took the time to listen to my body when it was achy or in pain. i would just deal with it. nbd. but me not giving proper and deserving recognition is how i got so sick. it took me ages to even go to vaden to get checked out and get migraine meds. it really wasn't until mom and dad got involved when i started seeing more docs and the scan. i pushed thru finals. the carmel trip. the la trip. craniotomy 1. craniotomy 2. radiation. chemo. unrelenting ER visits.

i think im really tired. i know it's not great and def not sustainable behavior. but it's kinda all i know.

pushing thru has been my downfall and saving grace.

i think i saw those who didn't push thru as weak, a failure, complainers. not qualities that i wanted associated with my character.

my team told me soooo many times to call them immediately if i was having any sxs. even the smallest things. i was so reluctant to do so. getting sick and knowing that i would be hospitalized just added to it. when it started feeling weird i would just try to ignore it instead of facing the problem. which is the obviously better decision. getting treatment by the best onc team in the world. i wouldnt be able to mind over matter cancer. but i was arrogant and desperately ignored my own body even when it was screaming that something was wrong. it's lightweight embarrassing how much and how often i could will myself to believe that everything would be okay. willful ignorance at it's finest.

im gonna keep trying to run. im thinking i'll make more adjustments on how i do it tho so i dont shit myself or pass out. but i do want to increase my physical activity.

[classicslesbianopinions]

okay. every thought i've ever had about hadestown (lie). this is going to be really long i'm not sorry

FIRST OF ALL. first of all. i have the Most brain rot EVER about our lady of the underground in which persephone does her "what's my name" and has the musicians respond the first two times but then the third time she points. to the AUDIENCE. and has US fill it in. and like. like. i have brain rot about this because like. each of the lyrics is Different. and no one else was singing there. so persephone is trusting that enough people in the audience know the show well enough (and have the confidence etc) to fill in that line. AND WE DID. this moment lives in my head absolutely rent free. like it's something you can Only do if the show's been running for a while and is fairly popular.

reeve carney is not a good orpheus but i could fix him. i literally could fix him. specifically he is so stiff and he's like. very much An Actor In A Role rather than like. embodying the role. but like the problem is he is not understanding the show he's in. he is playing it like it's a rock musical or something. like i can't believe i have seen both shows to say this but he was much better suited for the spiderman musical. but like. i feel like i have a lot of questions for the director because i really do think like. a director who understands orpheus would either cast someone else or push him to be looser etc. also i really hate his hairstyle i would rather it looked like literally anything else.

on the other hand reeve carney being so stiff as orpheus gave me a lot of thoughts about an orpheus who knows he's in the story and knows he's playing a role etc.

we saw an understudy for eurydice (grace yoo) and like. she was soooo good and very like. tender and open. which did make orpheus look SO stiff in contrast but whatever. and then also when things got more emotional she had SUCH a belt. like. there was so much EMOTION to her performance. i would probably die for her i'll be honest

when they're singing all i've ever known is how to hold my own but now i want to hold you too and they're like. holding their hands out to the sides but their bodies aren't really touching... that's what it's all about. i actually thought that song could've used Less touch (to make the tragedy more tragic) but i just have a lot of brain rot about gay people

the way like. every time i saw something and was like "huh that's a weird choice" or "that looks like a mistake" it literally did like. come back and turn out to be deliberate. like i was like. "huh there are only five people in the chorus that feels like a weird number. and there are three men and two women and it feels unbalanced." and then in act two eurydice became part of the chorus (WHICH. WHICH. WHICH. dare i say antigone coded <- guy who's only read antigone seeing any play). (also it parallels the way in wait for me there are like. five lights swinging around orpheus and then he's in the middle like. completing the circle.) and then also at one point eurydice and persephone were standing on either side of hades and eurydice was well-lit and persephone wasn't and i was like... okay so either that's on purpose or the lighting designer fucked up but the lighting design was so so perfect so obviously they didn't fuck up and i was RIGHT because like. the next song was persephone's and the contrast when the light went up on her was everything. sorry i forgot what song that was do you still think i'm hot

on a sensory level i did not enjoy like the experience of having lights flash in my face but as an artistic decision shining lights on the audience was such a genius idea. and ESPECIALLY the way the back lights are like. still on for most of act two... the audience is such a character in this play and it shows.

like in general the lighting design is so perfect. it's so everything to me. i would die for it probably

okay this one is like. specifically for the people with the same doctor who brain rot as me. sorry everyone else. but we saw the understudy (max kumangai) for hermes and first of all he was very very good but second of all at the beginning of act two katniss turned to me and was like. this hermes and persephone are like jack and rose (from doctor who). and i have to say that like. really influenced my perception of the show

specifically though hermes being younger gave him sort of an air of hope even though of course everyone knows this is going to end badly night after night

ALSO LIKE I ACTUALLY HATE KNOWING ABOUT TRAGEDY. THE MOMENT WHEN ORPHEUS WAS WALKING AND EURYDICE WAS BEHIND THEM AND I WAS SITTING THERE JUST WAITING FOR HIM TO TURN. ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SPENDING YEARS OF MY LIFE STUDYING GREEK TRAGEDY. KNOWING HOW IT ALL WORKS SUCKS.

the fact that they explain a greek chorus in the program along with the other mythical figures in the show

the way persephone moved was literally everything. she embodied the role so well. especially when she was dancing.

at the end when they did bows there was a standing ovation which was well-deserved except then everyone STAYED STANDING for raise my cup at the end which i think is ableist to me and katniss personally (guys who love sitting down and being seated)

every thought ever about the fates like. physically dancing with the characters and moving them around. by the way. really great interpretation of fate

weird to me how they like. try to be like "and the other workers can escape too!" when literally everyone knows eurydice isn't going to make it out. like i love anticapitalism but the whole point of this story is that you are nothing in the face of fate and the gods so like. being like "there are more of us than there are of them" doesn't like. make sense in the context. even though generally i think that's a good message

literally this isn't even all the thoughts i have but i can't remember the rest of them or make them coherent and that's probably for the better considering how long this post turned out to be. literally really well-executed show just like. everything about it was so clearly put-together

about to see hadestown live on broadway ama