#and to do the test. I had to prick myself and ‘allow 4-5 drops of blood to drip’

[blindchandelure]

I just had to do an at-home blood test for insurance reasons and it was terrifying.

[beatricethecat2]

if/then (2.0) - 11

Part 2 of Chapter 10 (read first!)

Previously: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10

Read first if you are new! gutted/sorted and wax/wane…if/then is a continuation of those two.

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After a long day of adventures, the “island of a bed” turns into a gym as Christina shows off her moves.

“Mom, block me!” Christina says.

Helena hops up and nearly loses her balance as she strikes a defensive pose.

Myka watches safely from the couch, her body sprawled across full length as Claudia’s out for the evening. Christina’s energy knows no bounds, and after a few minutes, Myka closes her eyes, enjoying what feels like her first moment of downtime in weeks. She makes a game of guessing their moves from the corrections Helena makes; it’s fun to test her knowledge after all the practices she’s attended. Helena once told her she’d learned Kempo during her rehabilitation after her accident, to keep "idle hands occupied," though she wonders if there wasn’t a stronger motivation.

“Again,” Helena instructs, and Myka’s heart warms at Christina's endearing grunts and groans. Today was so uplifting, yesterday's dark thoughts seem a world away. Looking back, the confluence of negative situations and low blood sugar were to blame; ice cream and an eventual lunch worked like a charm to temper her fears. And though her revelations with Claudia this morning led to more questions than answers, the fact someone else is clued into the situation has relieved some of her burdens, and hopefully, Claudia will keep her mouth shut about it all to Helena.

She glances at Helena, and when Helena notices, she smiles in a way that says, “I’m sorry she’s keeping us up, but I’ve missed this so much.” Myka smiles back a “you're really cute, I don’t mind at all” smile, holding Helena’s gaze until Christina tackles her. She wishes Helena’s past wasn’t tarnishing the gloss of the scene, as some of the things she said last night were truly worrying. But she does trust Helena has everyone’s best interests in mind, even more so after Helena initiated heart to heart talk.

Last evening, post shower, while Myka dug through a drawer to find pajamas, Helena slid her arms around Myka's midriff.

“I thought you’d fallen asleep,” Myka said.

“Christina has, but I thought we might talk," Helena said, in hushed tones.

Myka'd been on edge all day after her display that morning and was hoping to avoid talking about it entirely, in hopes a good night’s sleep would set things straight. But Helena's comforting embrace soothed her rough nerves. She dropped the t-shirt she was holding and sunk back into Helena's arms.

As they shared a moment of calm, Myka thought about how Helena’s elation over Christina being near wafted off of her in waves all day. And as those waves lapped up against her, she had a revelation: there are many, many Helenas—she shifts her shape to fit situations—but this Helena, the one with her today, whose identity is intrinsically linked with her child, was the one she fell in love with. Other versions may surface from time to time and many may remain a mystery, but at her core, the Helena she knows and loves is the one with Christina present.

When Helena released her, she took hold of her hand and guided her to the couch. As they sat, Myka met Helena's gaze and was surprised to find uncertain eyes staring back at her.

“I’d like to apologize for my behavior last night. And this morning,” Helena said, taking hold of Myka’s hands. “It was entirely uncalled for. I blame myself for your feeling poorly, and I’d like to make amends."

Myka squeezed Helena's hands; this was not what she expected, but the sentiment was overwhelmingly welcome. "I understand why you’ve kept things from me to a point, but what about Wooly? You introduce me to him then totally clam up."

"I hadn't thought that through. Introducing you."

“He seemed nice."

“He is. And was. We shared some memorable times while I was finishing school after my stint in Europe. But I put all that behind me when I left London. And now...” Helena scooted closer to Myka. "I want to be who I’m striving to be for you, not who I was."

“But you’re here for the foreseeable future. You'll have to face your past. Who you were is part of who you are now, and I want to know all of you."

"I wouldn't be so sure."

Myka laced their fingers together. "Nothing you say will make me love you any less. What are you afraid of?"

“As of late? Macpherson winning his appeal. If he does, my involvement with Mrs. Frederic will not be looked upon favorably. He could cause further harm with a flick of the wrist. And to you by proxy.”

Myka stiffened but kept hold of Helena’s hands.

"I hadn’t thought of this until now, but it’s likely Mrs. Frederic pulled you from the sale to protect you until this is settled."

“That…actually makes sense,” Myka says. The anger she’d been holding over her dismissal dropped down a notch, but it still pricked like a thorn. “Do know if it’s happening without me?”

“I haven’t a clue. But if it is, you’re better off without it. We’ve no way of predicting what tricks MacPherson might pull."

“Can Mrs. Frederic protect you?"

“Her reach is limited where I’m concerned, but you—"

“Why didn't you say something earlier?"

“The less you know the better."

“But if something happens to you it affects all of us."

“If I have my way, none of it will affect any of any of us, ever."

A fuzzy buzz kicks Myka into the present, and she glances at its source on the end table. She hikes up to see whose phone it is; it’s Helena’s. There’s no name on the display, but the number is familiar. Her mood immediately sours as she realizes who it is.

“Phone’s ringing,” Myka says, loud enough for Helena to hear.

“They’ll leave a message,” Helena says, mid-tussle with Christina.

Myka glances at the vibrating object again then settles back into the couch, closing her eyes, listening closely to Christina and Helena’s playful tones. But her hopes of traveling back to the happier place fall flat. Why is Bonnie calling so late, let alone calling at all?

Helena and Christina’s sparring tumbles across the room, and Myka falls victim of a surprise attack. She struggles but ends up with Christina laying on top of her, pinning her down.

"Perhaps you can calm her," Helena says, inching away from the scene.

“Yeah, make that my job," Myka jabs.

"In this scenario, you’re the better choice," Helena explains. She swipes her phone off the end table and taps it awake then scowls at the screen. Her face pinches as she listens to her messages, in a way that indicates something’s definitely not right. She taps the screen again and, phone to ear, walks across the room toward the window.

Christina wriggles on Myka's lap as if inducing her to play, but Myka wraps her arm around her tightly, holding her in place. Christina gives herself over easily, her body slackening, exhaustion winning over after their event-filled day. Myka smiles at that, thinking perhaps they'll all sleep well tonight, and as Christina settles, she tunes into Helena’s voice as she converses with the caller.

- Thursday's out of the question.

The mention of Thursday saddens Myka, as incidentally, that was the day of the pre-sale showing.

- I can’t reschedule. You should be aware of that.

Myka glances over at Helena. She's leaning against the wall but her body’s tense, and she's fingering the edge of the curtain.

- I don’t care of the consequences. You sort it out.

Myka winces at the bite in Helena’s tone.

"Is mom ok?" Christina asks.

"I think so," Myka says. "We'll ask when she's done.”

Christina snuggles closer to Myka and Myka adjusts to hold her weight. She places her hand on Christina’s back and lays her chin on the crown of her head; she can’t believe she ever questioned her loyalty to this child.

The call ends, and the room falls silent. Myka glances over the top of the couch and sees Helena, arms crossed, staring out the window.

“Everything ok?” she asks, bracing for what response she may get.

“Work,” Helena grunts, without looking at Myka.

She pushes off of the wall and crosses the room then drops her phone on the end table. Circling the couch, she lifts Myka and Christina’s legs and navigates underneath, then plops down into the corner. Myka lowers her legs, and allows Helena to sit stewing for a moment, then extends and arm across Christina’s body and takes hold Helena's hand.

“They farm staff out to events to ‘advertise our brand.’ Corporate parties, wedding receptions and the like,” Helena says, rubbing her thumb over Myka’s. “I have two exams on Thursday, and I’m meant to work that evening.”

“Was that Shirley?” Myka asks, coyly fishing for details, then suddenly realizing there’s no reason the number scribbled on that card belongs to Bonnie.

“No. Bonnie,” Helena says, with a sneer.

“The blonde?” Myka answers, as innocently as possible. Maybe now's not the best time to bring up the topic of the card nor Bonnie’s other career, but someday she will.

“She is rather hands on, as you may have noticed.”

“Can everyone be quieter? I’m tired.” Christina mumbles.

“You should bathe before bedtime,” Helena instructs.

“Can I do it tomorrow?"

“We’ve an early start if we’re to make it to the park before Myka’s departure."

“Why does Myka have to go? I just got here."

"She has work."

“She always has work. Can’t she stay?”

Helena looks at Myka and poses the same question with her eyes. Myka looks back and smiles.

“I could probably stay another day.”

“Yay!” Christina exclaims, grinning ear to ear. "Can we spar more?” she says, twisting towards Helena.

“Moments ago you proclaimed you were overly fatigued."

“I changed my mind."

Christina rolls off of Myka and drops to the floor with a thunk. She yanks on Helena’s hand.

“I’ll see if I can get the same flight out as them,” Myka says, lifting her legs so Helena can slide out from underneath.

Christina tugs Helena towards the bed then runs ahead and jumps on top. Helena turns at the bed’s threshold and looks back at Myka. As she holds Myka’s gaze her expression darkens, then brightens as if she’s caught herself showing something far too close to the bone.

“I’m pleased you’ve decided to stay,” she says, sounding as if it were a heavily debated issue. Christina throws her arms around Helena’s middle and Helena turns, reinitiating their grapple.

------------

Myka’s triumphant change of ticket leads to a leisurely morning, though it was Claudia’s connections that saved the day. After an unsuccessful call to the airline and a few feigned tears from Christina, Helena suggested Myka contact Claudia and ask for help. Myka said she'd try again as Claudia was out with friends, but Helena vetoed the option and called Claudia herself. A flurry of texts later, Myka's ticket was miraculously changed. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief and promptly went to bed.

Their amended schedule begins with a return to the crepe restaurant as Christina’s desperate for Myka’s opinion. Next, several busses are then ridden, top deck only, right at the front, allowing hours worth of birds-eye views of the city. Then, after a journey up a never-ending hill, they disembark in a parking lot and wander towards a terra-cotta and yellow-ochre bricked building with a sizable rosette window.

“Where are we?” Myka asks, hardly able to take in the entirety of the place, her gaze hanging on its high arched glass roof.

“Alexandra Palace,” Helena says. "Ally Pally for short."

“Ally Pally. That’s funny,” Christina says, her head bobbing as she mimics her mother’s accent.

"Built by the Victorians as a center of recreation, it became home to the BBC Television Services in their early years. That massive antenna sent out the first reliable 'high definition' television signals in the world.”

Everyone stops in their tracks and tilts their head back to take in the structure.

“Can we climb up it?” Christina asks.

“No need. The far end of the park boasts sweeping views of the city.”

“It'd be cool if we could.”

“Agreed,” Helena says and smiles at Christina. "I thought we’d take in the exhibition of historical television equipment, and afterward, nip over to the duck pond and rent a boat.” She nods toward a clump of trees on the other side of the parking lot.

“There’s boats?” Christina says, her face lighting up.

“So that's what the bread’s for,” Myka says, pointing to a bag sticking out of Helena’s tote.

“Or, possibly a light snack if no ducks are available,” Helena says, pushing the bag of bread down in the bag.

“Bread is junk food for ducks,” Christina says.

“Is it? Bread's been fed to ducks for centuries, yet now it's an issue?” Helena says.

“We learned that in school. I brought lettuce for our field trip to the park."

“I’ve remember that. I ran out to buy some the night before,” Myka adds.

Helena sighs. “Then we’ll feed the ducks sparingly. We wouldn’t want to perpetuate any duck obesity problems." She takes hold of Christina’s hand and looks over at Myka. “Shall we?” she asks, and Myka nods. Christina motions for Myka's hand and Myka takes it, and they walk towards the entrance hand in hand.

They explore every accessible nook and cranny of the Palace and sneak a peek at the newly reconstructed Grand Willis Organ before wandering back outside towards the duck pond. Much to Christina’s delight, there's a choice between traditional row boats and fanciful paddle ones, and a heated debate ensues. Helena’s logic wins out in the end—when would they ever pilot a dragon?—and she and Christina man the helm. Christina paddles until her legs give out then Myka moves to the front to fill in.

"How do you know about this place?" Myka asks. "It's pretty far from the city center."

"I'd come here often when I was finishing school. It was calming to sit and study by the pond."

A half an hour later, they dock the boat and secure a bench facing the lake. Helena pulls the bread out and hands a few slices to Christina. Christina runs off toward a cluster of coots, moorhens, and mallards gathered by the water's edge.

“Junk food be damned,” Helena says as she watches Christina throw bread at the ducks with abandon. “Speaking of sustenance, we should think about lunch.”

“We have time,” Myka says, scooting closer to Helena, threading their arms together. “It’s so nice to not feel rushed. Can we stay like this forever?”

“One day, I hope.”

“I don’t want to go back,” Myka says, leaning into Helena.

“Nor do I want you to. I rue being left on my own, twiddling my thumbs until your next visit.”

“You could meet up with Wooly. That might be fun.”

“Fun,” Helena repeats and angles her head, so her lips nearly touch Myka’s ear. “The ‘fun’ I’d rather pursue resembles our night together after the bar.”

“That was fun,” Myka says, her pulse quickening at the thought. She skims her fingers over Helena’s shoulder where her teeth left a mark. “I wish I hadn’t had so much to drink.”

“I wish I hadn’t either.”

“You were drinking at work?”

“Shirley slipped a shot on that tray for table four, and I may have partaken previous to your arrival."

“Helena!”

"I was genuinely worried you’d not show.”

The trepidation in Helena’s eyes hits Myka squarely in the gut; she cups Helena jaw and guides their lips together. “You shouldn’t have been,” she says, stroking Helena’s cheek, then kissing her again, relieved to hear Helena was out of sorts that evening, too.

"Perhaps Christina could sleep in Claudia’s room tonight so we may have a moment alone.”

“I’d like that,” Myka says and shifts to rest her head on Helena’s shoulder. Helena lifts her arm and circles it around Myka, and they watch Christina throw bread as far out as she can.

“She seems happy,” Myka says.

“As am I,” Helena says, hugging Myka closer.

“I wish we could stay. All of us."

“Are we still working towards Christmas?"

“I’m not sure I can swing it with just the Italians."

“I’ll speak with Mrs. Frederic. Perhaps she can offer you a place in the—" Helena’s phone rings. She slips it out of her pocket and glowers at the screen. “Speak of the devil,” she grumbles and taps to accept. “Yes," she says and untangles herself from Myka. She listens for a moment then stands and steps away.

“I’m aware of that, but I’ve…what about…” Helena looks at Myka and rolls her eyes. “I can’t not be there…no…yes…fine,” Helena huffs, her face scrunching up as she listens. “Crystal,” she says before hanging up. She looks down at her phone and sighs.

“What was that about?" Myka asks.

Helena grimaces. “Nothing I’m at liberty to say."

Christina comes running up from the side. “Can we go see the kite?" She points to the horizon beyond the palace.

“Kite? I see nothing but cumulus clouds.”

“It was there, a minute ago. We have to find it!” Christina grabs Helena’s hand and pulls her towards the parking lot.

“Ducks are clearly passé,” Helena quips, looking back at Myka with a smile. “Onwards,” she says, and nods.

Myka gathers their bags and dutifully trails behind. As she catches up, an enormous box kite appears in the sky and dotted below, several smaller kites. She leans into the fence at the top of the hill and watches Helena’s lips lift into a small smile.

“Lovely, aren’t they?” Helena says without taking her eyes from the kites.

“Beautiful,” Myka says.

“There’s a cat!” Christina yelps and points to cat head with a glittering, fluttering tail.

“So free,” Myka says.

They stand in silence, watching the kites dance and dip across the bright blue sky. Everyone gasps when one takes a nosedive.

“The wind gives the appearance the kite is free, but its string controls its movements. One tug and it's grounded in an instant.” Helena glances at the persons flying the kites, then over at Myka. “You are my wind,” she says, placing her hand on Myka’s shoulder. “Both of you.” She looks down at Christina and lays her other hand on her back.

“Who’s your string?” Myka asks but wishes she didn’t as Helena's smile withers.

“Can we go to down to there?” Christina asks, her gaze fixated on the bottom of the hill.

“Certainly,” Helena says. “And perhaps we’ll find lunch nearby.” She picks up the bags Myka carried over from the bench and turns toward Myka. “Would you mind terribly if we discuss Christmas at a later date? I’d very much like to ignore the fact you’re all leaving tomorrow for as long as possible.”

The cheerfulness from earlier seems to have left Helena’s tone, though it’s obvious she’s trying to keep things light. Myka imagines the call was the culprit, that Mrs. Frederic is Helena's string, and whatever it was they discussed kicked her out of her happy place.

“We’ll talk later,” Myka says, and kisses Helena to drive the point home.

They walk towards the stairs then Christina takes off, barreling down the grassy hill.

“Slow down!" Helena scolds.

Christina slows for a moment, then carries on exactly as before.

Helena hands the bags to Myka. “That’s my girl,” she says, “no string." She runs after Christina and tackles her, both tumbling onto the grass, laughing.

Myka tears up a little; whatever Helena's gotten herself into, it has to work out, because this...this is their future.

-TBC-

[ephemeralem0tions]

Stow Away PART 4 - Levi: No Regrets

So this is part 4, which means part 5, the last part, will be next week. I’ll already give it away tho because I can’t contain myself T.T If you are looking for the ‘aftermath’ of Stow Away, or the period wherein they go back to motherland and who knows what will happen :P, then the very last chapter is the one you are looking for. But in the meantime, lets sail the Levihan angst ship for now otay :)

Theme: Captain Levi and Stow Away

Rating: PG

Warning: Curse Words, Eye Water? Maybe, Graphic depictions of violence (does this count as nsfw?)

AO3 version overe here x

Send a request here >>> ASK

PART 1 || PART 2 || PART 3 || PART 5

He looked at her boastful smile as she waved to him, ignoring the crowd that started pooling around her, singing her the praises she deserved. She got what she wanted, from day one of her training to the last. She was assigned to the research fleet, being able to graduate with the highest ranking just a cherry on top of the icing.

“Levi!” she marched towards him, a few petals scattering off the ground, leaving a trail on the path she carved. A small medallion hung from her left chest, signifying that she indeed finished military training with flying colors. She could have instantly become a General if she decided to fight in war, but he knew she never wanted any of that.

His gaze returned to her smile again, one that matched the happiness in her eyes. It had been a while since he saw her genuine joy. He winced at the thought of her looks when rage over took her the moment they lost Farlan and Isabelle to the Titans. He thought he was most intimidating when he gave off an angry aura, but she beat him never the less.

“I pray that the left troop had killed him off while I back up the hell around here” he heard a disgusting, boisterous laugh. His gaze directed to her shattered goggles on the floor, her head whipping to several directions, desperate to see a thing. Anger boiled inside him, as if it couldn’t become any more hotter. She looked so beat up, but never giving up either way, just like she always did.

“You’ll pay for what you have done to all my comrades” she hissed, the Titan’s cackle getting more louder by the moment.

He watched, as her grip tightened around her blade, her enemy, alas stopping right in front of the huge bonfire caused by all the bombs thrown in the area. She dug the weapon through her opponent’s flesh with all her might, his feet padding faster through the ground, wanting her to stop the monstrosity.

No this was not the woman he taught and watched grow into someone more competitive when it came to skill. Her carefree nature totally left her as hatred surrounded her once happy eyes he liked seeing the most. Fear encompassed him as he made his way to her, wanting to stop her madness.

“Hanji!” she dropped down to the ground, dropping her weapon in the process. She looked so broken, crying, sorrow taking over her rage.

“Levi!” she returned to him. He knelt down and looked at her clearly as she bowed her head down, trying to hide an unfathomable fact from him. He grabbed her shoulders and made her look at him straight in the eyes. He found guilt, sorrow, sadness and a dying hint of fury mirroring her brown orbs.

His thoughts drifted back to his original agenda, the reason why he went from the right to the left flank, killing every terrorist that came in his way. He was just taking his usual walk when his insomnia took effect. Hanji was not there to train nor just to talk with him under the moonlight due to her final test. Isabelle and Farlan were already soundly sleeping in the barrack when the Titans appeared. He suddenly remembered that he was here to look for them, and wondered why Hanji was here instead of the other camp.

“Where are Isabelle and Farlan?” she froze up, his eyebrows were furrowed and his frown becoming more evident. “Where are they? Please tell me” she cried even more, hiding her face from him yet again. His heart started thumping faster, then stopping then fast again inconsistently. He suddenly felt constipated, awaiting for the next things he was about to see. No it could not be good, if she had lost her confidence to tell him, then it could not be good.

She raised her arm up, finger pointing to one particular direction. He gathered his thought first, before he followed his gaze to where she shown. She started to shake, as he froze. There laid the people he treated as family, beheaded and the other, partially burned. His throat ran dry, eyes suddenly getting pricked by the tears that raced down to the ground. For the third time around, he lost the people who were dear to him. First, was his mother, second was his uncle who disappeared, and now his friends who he grew up with and treated as brother and sister. He felt disappointed at himself, the blame directed to him and only him.

“I’m sorry” she choked out, coughing as she cried her own tears” I’m sorry” she cried out to him again. “I’m sorry” then he knew, he wasn’t the only one blaming himself, she was blaming hers too.

“Its not your fault” he hushed her, his arms making their way around her, to keep her safe. She looked at him again in the eyes, searching for something.

“But, I should have stayed, then maybe they’d be still alive” his heart broke, hearing her regrets and her hatred for herself. No he did not want her to feel all those. She was the only remaining important person to him right now, and he didn’t want her to feel agony and remorse.

“Don’t” he whispered and brushed away her tears. “The only thing we’re allowed to do, is to believe we won’t regret the choice we’ve made”

“Levi!” she waved a free hand in front of him, the other preoccupied with a bouquet, half tarnished after all the excessive movement she had been doing since she stepped off the small make shift stage. “You don’t seem too happy, upset that I’m leaving so soon?” she teased, his brow arching up at her.

“You wish shitty glasses” he huffed, earning a small chuckle from her.

“Grumpy as always”, her playful aura changed into a serious one. “But seriously, will you be fine?” she asked him, concerned. It had also been news during the ceremony that the newly graduated troops are no exception from the next expedition, to give them a fresh experience. She’d be leaving in a few days for God knows how long.

“I’m more worried about you actually” he sighed.

“Don’t worry about me” she tilted her head towards the left, accompanying it with a small grin. “I’ll just remember how to dance, and know that nothing is fair in war so I should look out like always”

“Our self advices really sound like shit” he growled, contemplating his, and her, admittedly, greatly helpful battle mottos.

“Yeah, like the sound of you groaning in one of the toilet stalls when you are constipated” she laughed, quite loudly, earning a few weird stares from others while he cringed. She was really an abnormal girl, but he couldn’t call himself normal either.

Remembering his real agenda, he took the small leather guard that was tied at the back of his waist while she doubled over the laughter. He grabbed her ponytail, gently but securely at the same time. He pulled her face towards him, so she could look at him straight in the eye.

“Always stay safe, four eyes” as much as he wanted to protect everyone who is important in his life, he had already well known that he could not always be there for them. He had already learned his lesson when his mother, Farlan and Isabelle died. He could not let her be gone as well.

He loosened his grip, revealing the lacquered wood that was imprinted with tiny, intricate silver swirls. The blade was no less than its grip’s design, it may look plain, but the steel that was used to make it was one of the strongest and sharpest amongst all weapons.

“This” she silenced afterwards, admiring the dagger he just handed out to her. Then she looked at him with sympathy. “I can’t possibly take it”

“And why not?” he retorted.

“Because its yours!” he rolled his eyes at her statement. It seemed to him that the smartest woman among the soldiers, also had a loose screw sometimes, not that he didn’t already know long ago. “It has its sentimental value to you I can’t just have it”

“Its a duplicate you dummy”, her mouth turned into an ‘O’ shape in realization. Truth be told, the knife was a replica of the one his Uncle Kenny gave him before he was left all alone in the slums. It was his companion, his sole definition of safety for years, even after finding the comfort of Farlan and Isabelle.

He didn’t know how he thought of giving Hanji the same blade, but it felt right. He considered her proximity one of his safe havens, after they weeped in front of each other during the tragedy. A mystery on how they were the only troops alive aside from those that were able to escape to safety. He wanted her to be safe, and so, he gave her the same thing that kept him from harm in the long run.

“Thank you!” he found himself enveloped in one of her bone crushing hugs. On normal occasions, he would have thrown her over his shoulder, or wiggled his way out then run as fast as he can to hide, while she tried to catch up to him like a dog catching its tail. But this time, he stayed right in her warmth, even returning the favor and wrapping his arms around her waist, a product of height difference, the only part he can reach.

“Just make sure you’ll return after your voyage” he whispered.

“Of course I will” she returned. “I promise”

"Levi!" She waved at him, a tiny spec in the distance, quickly running towards him, while he rolled his eyes and kept his usual scowl on his face. He was on the mandatory jogging sessions in the morning just like always, yet he was aware that it was the day she would be leaving for her third expedition.

"Shitty glasses what are you doing here, aren't you supposed to leave at damn five in the morning? Took a quick crap or something?” he greeted her, while the grinned wickedly, mimicking his stance and jogging along side with him.

"Yeah, quite a long shit actually" he tripped at her words, her chuckle growing ”I'm just here to say goodbye"

"You talk like you'll never return four eyes" he hissed. He was used to her leaving, then returning after a few months. But he could never get used to saying goodbye, deeply upset that he won’t see his safe haven for quite a long time.

"Of course I'd be back!" she assured him. "Just not leaving for five months without you knowing. Plus you'd be graduating in a few more weeks, I figured I should say good luck for your final assessment and congratulations for being a General” He froze on his spot, hearing that he would be graduating with a rank even before his finals.

"What do you mean General you four eyes?" he whispered, disbelief evident in his eyes. The woman could be fooling him, like she always does for him, yet never played a successful joke on him ever since he joined the military. If this was another prank, she had him good, and would succeed for the first time.

"I'm not supposed to tell you, but Erwin had plans to make you a General” He knew she wasn’t playing. Her last task involved sailing with the Commander, and he knew she would not lie about such important matters. Before he could even confirm things that are too good to be true, she already had her back turned away from him, sprinting back to the ship where she would set sail in a few moments.

"Oi shitty glasses come back here!" He growled, her laughter ringing out towards him through echoes from the horizon.

"I'll be back I promise!” she screamed. He watched her, leaving a small smile on his face as she made her way up the galleon. When she promises something, she never broke it. She had always promised him that she’d return every time she went on a journey, and she always did.

News had gotten out to the barracks that the troop sent out on an expedition a day ago had already been spotted near shore. His heart raced, rushing along with his feet as he hurriedly ran towards the docks, fear creeping up his spine.

Silently, he hoped that the galleon just had a minor problem and needed to turn back, but his heart broke, limbs frozen and hearing suddenly deaf despite the many murmurs of the people around him. Only one single wooden raft emerged from the horizon, the sky in deep grey and the ocean seeming a bit too quiet and serene.

He shoved his way to the front as the boat docked, ignoring all the angry screams coming down his way. His sight searched desperately for the eyes he loved the most though never admitted. Yes he knew it now, he cared for her and found safety in her not just because she was a dear friend, but because he loved her.

Moments they spent together suddenly flashed before his mind. The way he slowly turned her into a strong and amazing woman, from just brain, to also brawn. The way she saw him at his best and his worst, how she spent her free time with him during training and even after. How she would visit him after her expeditions and be around him even if sometimes she just annoyed him. How he would assure him of her return every time she left. Now he would just look for the little things he only realized now, that mattered.

He desperately looked for her brown irises, any sign that she was there, alive, breathing and alright. He searched in the small crowd of twelve that all looked devastated, yet he never found her. His gaze wandered off, towards the most familiar face he saw in the crowd. He rushed towards him, showing a stoic but evidently concern facade.

"What Happened? Where is she?" he gripped the boy's frail shoulders despite him being taller. He was desperately hoping there would be a second batch of boats that had her with them, that she was alive.

He wasn’t sure how to react when Moblit slouched forward, looking as tired and as guilty as ever. His eyes were slowly run over by salty tears, sadness taking over his emotions.

"Sir Levi" the boy cried, tears dropping like the rainfall that decided to accompany their sorrow.

He dropped his grip on the poor boy, shoulders slumping forward and head bowing down. as if he had lost all his energy, he dropped to the ground, knees hitting soft sand that was beginning to get wet by the rain and his tears. He had lost her, the moment he knew his love for her, it was too late.

“We’ve searched for the fourth time now Erwin. No galleon, no other survivors, no girl” his eyebrows creased even further upon hearing the muffled voices. He knew it was sanctioned for suspension if he eaves dropped on any of a Commander’s whereabouts, but he never cared.

“Then search for the fifth time” the Commander replied.

“It would be pointless!” another one screamed. “We found no boat, some of the ship fragments that resurfaced were just that. No sign of life” he pressed.

“Still, search” he heard a sigh.

“Alright then” the man hissed, probably getting annoyed. “But this will be the last time” he growled.

“Thank you” he made his way to the side of the door as the Commander dismissed his company, footsteps making their way closer towards him, then out of the room without even noticing his looming figure.

He gave a few moments for the Commander to recollect himself, then entered the office. Mike, who was a Corporal under Erwin’s fleet was looking out the window behind the table. Erwin sat on his chair, arms propped to the wooden desk, and chin resting on his clasped fists. The two men acknowledged his presence, whipping their attentions towards him as he placed a single peice of paper on the desk.

“What is this?” Erwin asked him.

“You know what it is” he returned. It had been the fourth time he filed the document, after the four times the search party had failed. As expected, the Commander sighed and put his paper aside, probably about to reject it like the first ones.

“The request you are making is not an easy one Levi” he stared, disinterested despite the man in front of him being a superior. He had utmost respect for Erwin, yet he couldn’t bring himself to be courteous when he had practically lost someone important over an unexplained situation. “You are a valuable asset to the military, the rank you are asking for means you’ll be degraded. You will not be able to fight, a waste in my opinion”

“I don’t care about any of that bull crap” he hissed “If they can’t find her, then I’m finding her”

“Please think about it first” the man pleaded.

“No” he answered firmly.

“Just please” he still kept his stand. “Just give it one more thought. This is the last time I’ll be sending out people to find. If all else fails, I won’t reject the most immediate wish you will make”

Although he didn’t want to waste time, he knew he couldn’t persuade his superior so easily. He creased his forehead even deeper and placed his palms over the desk, going closer to intimidate the Commander although it didn’t seem to work.

“Keep your word Erwin, This is the last time I’ll let you send aimless brats across the seas” he hissed, before turning around on his heel and leaving the office, closing the door harshly with a bang.

He whipped his knife from his side, letting it spin momentarily on air then grabbing it, before lunging for the Titan in front of him, the small crowd of soldiers that were watching from outside the cell hysterically running around and looking for the Commander. Although fuming with anger, he stopped just under the culprit’s chin, managing to leave his throat clean, and the person very much alive.

“Where is she?” he growled, more of demanding for an answer rather than asking.

“Levi” Erwin’s calm voice automatically made him back away from the captive. This was the product of the fifth search, a lead, but no Hanji.

He retracted his blade back to its spot, hidden around his thigh. He hissed, stepping aside and giving the Commander some space. Mike, and the man who conducted all the searches whom he now known as Flagon — Another Corporal like him and Mike — just a few inches behind them.

“We found some heinous things along with this culprit sir” Flagon stated, sweat dripping from his forehead as if he was reminiscing such a disgusting scene. “We have also retrieved Ms. Ilse Langnar’s body and a few things after finding them in a secluded island near the area. She was beheaded, but he kept her corpse safe under a huge tree and actually guarded it”

“Did you find out why?” Erwin asked, the usual stoic and unaffected look still plastered on his face.

“No. He had never said a word about the incident nor about Ms. Langnar. We did try to interrogate him at the ship before we reached shore, but all he did was moan or growl incoherent words” He wasted no time, without any word from is superior, he grabbed the Titan’s hair and kicked his knee towards the culprit’s shin, earning a loud growl in pain.

“L-Levi!” Flagon uttered softly, taken back by his actions. Erwin and Mike couldn’t care any less, they just watches as he continued his fury, beating up the prisoner a few good times before inching his face closer to the now battered man.

“Where is Hanji?” He snarled again, getting more pissed by each second that passed by. “There were only three of them amongst the intelligence division that boarded the damn boat. She had shitty glasses and a bird nose tell me if you’ve seen her” he hissed, receiving only moans in return. He dropped his grip and balled his fists, punching the man’s face till it was black and blue. Nobody dared stop him, not like he would let them anyway.

“He has no intention to talk” Mike spoke, evidently sniffing the air in the room. “It smells like dishonesty, even if you get something out of him”

He grabbed his dagger yet again, gripping it tightly within his palms, knuckles turning white due to all the sorrow and rage he felt.

“Hold it Levi, we must let the jurisdiction decide upon this” without listening to his superior’s words, he drove the blade through the Titan’s throat, blood sputtering right to his clothes as he mumbled a small ‘tsk’. Gurgling sounds accompanied his assault, the slowly dying body thrashing on the chair then suddenly going limp as blood pooled on the hard cold floor. His gaze turned to the mess below, mercy and every once of patience leaving his system.

“These Titans aren’t human Erwin, they don’t need a fucking trial” he hissed. “They don’t need to be disciplined like a human, they kill just to gather territory and have fun. They don’t deserve to live”

A small white envelope was handed out to him by a subordinate. Erwin’s short note about fulfilling his promise and a finally signed and accepted request laid before him. He sighed, accepting the blessings the Commander had given him, encased within the file.

He was finally going to become a Captain, driving a ship instead of leading troops and going to the field as a General. Erwin had graced him with the S.S. Wings of Freedom and had given him the condition that his service was to be used for trade and loading purposes. He had also been informed that Mike was to resume his vacated position and was already packing for his trip to Germany for a gala that was happening in two days. Although Erwin had already briefed him about the first assignment he was to receive as a Captain, another file clearly stated the task at hand. He was to acknowledge the fleet that was assigned to him, and sail to Greenland the following morning.

So this was the fate he chose. Letting all opportunities others could just dream of, slip by right at the tips of his fingers. But the important thing was, he was doing this to find her. No matter how much he thought, his decisions feel right. He was never going to doubt himself, he will borad his boat, and face the seas with no regrets.

PART 1 || PART 2 || PART 3 || PART 5

[diningrheum]

Progress? and new results

After purposely falling off the wagon with my diet restrictions, I also have fallen off the wagon with my plan to try to document and post on my progress.  I continued to eat my way through the list of 88 foods, getting through the majority of them or at least making sure to eat the things I was most curious about. While some of it was kinda gross (like eating a teaspoonful of spices right out of the jar, just to ensure that I had them), most of the foods were consumed in regular meals.  The fun part about this is that I got to hunt for some new recipes that would incorporate as many ingredients on my list into one dish, and I had some delicious meals along the way, such as this wonderful salad and Rachel Bryant’s (meatified.com) AIP Beef Stew (meatified) with turnips and beets added (as seen in this recipe.)

I finally pricked my fingers and sent in my blood a few weeks ago and I have my results back: Results of the Expanded Food Senstivity Test.  In retrospect, I probably should’ve waited until I had fully tapered back off of the prednisone before taking this test, as I think my results are likely altered by the fact that I was taking an anti-inflammatory corticosteroid when I collected my sample for this test.  So, sadly, I’m not so sure these results will be quite as helpful as my results from the food sensitivity test I did back in January.  This one may be worth re-testing at a later date, once I am off the prednisone.  But, I suppose it is good to know that nothing else shows up as “highly sensitive” from this new list of foods.  So, either the medication is working THAT well, or I’m really lucky that I’m only highly sensitive to two foods.  So, I guess that’s a bit of a silver lining, right?

I also had blood drawn earlier this month to recheck some of my inflammation markers.  There’s actually some very good news there.  Both my sedimentation rate and the C-reactive protein levels have dropped into the normal range!

A note on the ranges for the medication:  I tapered up methotrexate over the first few weeks, starting at 10mg the first week, 12.5 the second, and then 15mg the third week and beyond.  As of two weeks ago, my rheumatologist has now bumped my dose up to 20mg/ week.  For the prednisone, I took 10mg, for about 4-5 days, then dropped it to 5mg/day.  I am currently still on 5mg/ day for another few weeks, after which I will drop my dose down to 2.5mg/ day for 4 weeks and then stop taking it altogether, unless needed for a big flare up. 

I also had a comprehensive metabolic panel and complete blood count with differential done at the same time to make sure that the medication wasn’t wreaking havoc everywhere else in my body in order to decrease my inflammatory markers.  Those levels were all about the same as my pre-drug levels, so so far, so good.  Additionally, for the most part, I haven’t experienced any major side effects from the prednisone or methotrexate. My next blood tests will be in December, so I’m trying not to count my chickens before they hatch, but I’m really hoping that I’ll be lucky enough that methotrexate is going to be enough for me to halt the progression of this disease and keep it well managed, and then I can turn my attentions to the natural approaches like diet and lifestyle to really live a life where rheumatoid arthritis isn’t a daily concern.

On a less sunny note…..

That said, despite having pretty good news as of late and having lots to be hopeful for, I am human.  I have to admit, that I am still very prone to worries and doubts.  I have tried avoiding the facebook groups I joined because I just feel like there is an imbalance in the ratio of stories of pain and suffering vs stories of hope and success.  One of the main reasons I started this blog is that I wanted a space to share my story without going onto social media and seeing all the awfulness that could still become a reality for me.  Also, while I do try to share my story in my facebook groups as a hopeful voice amidst all the suffering, I also feel a bit guilty: like positivity is like gloating or rubbing it in to those who are less successful.  At least on this blog, I am staying in my own lane, and if someone wants to find a hopeful voice I hope they find me. However, if they want commiseration, they don’t have to see me gloating about my success.

Despite all these efforts to avoid negative influences, the thoughts still creep in from time to time.  One of the reasons, I haven’t written much this past month is that I have been on a bit of a rollercoaster, both physically and emotionally.  Purposely eating foods that are out of the ordinary or are suspected to cause inflammation for me obvisouly caused a few flare ups of inflammation.  Even though the prednisone and methotrexate kept it at bay for the most part, it was still enough of a flare to feel that something was a little “off” when I ate a “bad” food.  But since nothing showed up in any of my bloodwork, I’ve been a little naughty about allowing myself to eat things that I know I probably shouldn’t be eating.  I’ve been believing the numbers in the blood test over how I’ve been feeling, and I know that is not the best course of action.  I have slowly been feeling some of the swelling and pain coming back more frequently, so I really do need to get back into my healing naturally regimen and quit relying only on the medications to do all the work for me.

Of course, with these flares, instead of the logical approach of “Well, I did eat cheese on that burger yesterday instead of asking for no cheese, so that’s probably why my feet hurt this morning,” I immediately go into “Oh no, the meds aren’t working after all!!!” panic mode.  It’s thrown me for a bit of an emotional loop, with some physical manifestations as well such as a recent uptick in the frequency of getting migraines (though that could be partially because I have also backed off on taking so much magnesium after a few episodes with …we’ll just leave it at “bowel movements” so as not to be too TMI about it).  I was reading The Wahl’s Protocol, as well, and Dr. Wahls describes that her M.S. medications worked great at first, but then they stopped being as effective and the disease progressed rather quickly.  It’s hard to not worry that that can happen to me, which is why I still feel that despite the medications seeming to be pretty effective, I still want to supplement my healing with a healthy diet.

I’ve been going back and forth about how I want to process these negative thoughts, and what direction I want this blog to take.  I want to be real and honest that they happen, but I don’t want to wallow in self pity and devote full posts to feelings of doom and gloom that will (in writing them) ultimately make me feel even worse.  So for now, I think I will try to process the details of these negative thoughts more privately rather than exploring them too openly on this blog, but I will also try to openly acknowledge that I’ve had a rough week if I have.

On that note, while the past months has had some ups and downs, and as we are heading into November, the month of Thanksgiving (in the United States), I want to try to devote my next few posts to gratitude to really try to help myself get back on track emotionally as I also try to get back on track with my diet.

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[mir-katnip]

Me; A History

Feel free to ignore this, unless you want to gain insight into my madness. It is very long - but I need some catharsis. I think, over the years, I have honed what I like to refer to as "Diplomatic Indifference" My mother likes to call it sociopathy, I imagine she'd know. I was (allegedly) a wretched child with too many emotions, and my mother, after divorcing my brother's father, and dealing with mine almost dying, found childhood behaviors reprehensible. It did not help, that I was immensely charming with strangers, (A trait which I inhereted from both my parents) and a bit too clever for my own good... My dad read to me every single night, I could recognize words on sight at 16 months of age. I remember being so thrilled with myself, at that age, spelling "THE" with those stupid alphabet magnets. It thrilled my father too. I was reading children's books by age three, "chapter books" by four, by eight I had devoured The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, and Hitch Hiker's Guide. I was fully aware of proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation. I had thorough hatred for repetition in writing. At 9, I began my first novel. I remember almost everything about it even today. You see, because I was cleverer than most my age, it was expected, that I behave the part - without being a smart-ass. I look at it now an realize that I was never allowed to actually be a child. It was unacceptable, and every action that was in way child-like was looked at as a slight against nature. Yes I "got into things" as she put it, and yes, I would lie. But all kids do this... The family therapist did all the tests imaginable, and it was determined that I was intelligent, and maybe a little weird. "Weird" was my official diagnosis. I was bullied relentlessly by my peers... I had few friends, but I never cared until they started taking away my books because an 8 year old should not be reading anything more advance than Judy Bloom. My homeroom teacher for third grade was... well, lets just say we had direct access to an unused chem-lab, and he had a fucked up way of "punishing" the girls. I was easily bored with his class, and would frequently fail to turn in my homework... This was cause for "punishment" at least twice, that I fully recall. (FFS I was 8, it was horrid, and I didn't know it was unapproved methodology) That was the year the anxiety problems began oddly enough. I refused from then on to participate in any classroom activity that required me to be actively social with my teachers... The bullying sinched my dislike for my peers. I withdrew and found other ways of being mischivous at home. This led to my mother's tried and true discipline of restriction and copying the bible. Word for word... Needless to say, this only helped to spur my desire to write. I would steal pages out of the back of the notebook and use the tiny sliver of light that came into my bedroom from the street lamp, to write in the dead of night. Thus began the severe insomnia. I was over-protected. If I had friends, I was never to give them our phone number. I could never attend birthday parties, or other events. I was socially alienated from the world at an age when I should have been acquiring social skills. Until college, it is safe to say my only friend was my dad. High school, proved to be further traumatic. I was terrified of it before I even started. My older brother had taken up alcohol, weed, and self-harm in high school. But nobody bothered to notice until things went too far. Oddly enough, instead of screaming like a banshee at him, she sat on his bed and cried with him. Being asthmatic, I had simple triggers that would land me in the hospital, allergy, exercise, stress... High school was endlessly stressful. I had a math teacher (also the football coach) who thought that cussing in class made him cool, made the students like him. I found it to be stupid and distracting. But I mentioned it to the school councelor once, and he decided to single me out by name, as if I wasn't a social paraiah already. Then there was the history teacher, with whom I bantered in class. He seemed to appreciate my intellect, and a well formed debate. One day he kept me after class and I missed my bus home... he offered to drive me home. I was of course apprehensive, thankfully he asked me to take the roll sheet to the office, where I attempted to contact my mother. She didn't answer. So I tried my brother, but his room-mate and best friend (Who is now my only brother - the real one joined a cult and disowned us.) Answered, he offered to come get me. I went back to the classroom to retrieve my belongings. I told the teacher I had procured a ride home, to which he responded "Well then, I hope we don't find you chopped up in little bits in a ditch somewhere." This effectively drove me to making myself ill, I wound up in hospital for three weeks, being unable to breathe. I eventually wound up being on Independant Study for the remainder of my high school career. Which suited me well enough, I learned better on my own, and what I couldn't do alone, my father taught me. But this further secluded me from social norms. I was with my mother 24/7 which was never good, as neither of us could manage being in the other's company longer than 10 minutes without some sort of verbal sparring. I did graduate several months early, which wasof course lovely for me if not for anyone else. Now my psychiatric history, is far less telling about myself... I started therapy at age 11, and again the official diagnosis was simply that I was clever, creative, and weird. "Of course I hear voices in my head... They are the characters I put to paper." When my mother decided that my child-like behavior was psychosis, she took my to a psychiatrist... Clearly I needed to be drugged out of my skull. I was put on almost everything at one time or another, but nothing did anything except the anti-anxiety medications, which finally cornered my anxiety disorder. It was the antipsychotics which I should never have been on that really messed me up. I had been a wretchedly skinny child. Tall, but underweight. I was 5 foot 4 and only 86 pounds at point... But I was put on Welbutrin at 13 - in a matter of 9 months, I went from a size zero, to a size 12. In the next year between the drug, and puberty, I topped at a size 18. My own mother began to mock my weight, she attributed it all to my horrible eating habits alone. Eventually I began to refuse the medication, knowing full well that that was the cause of the weight gain. After several months of being off the drugs, I slimmed down to a size 9, for several years, and I was happy there. Unfortunatey, other things began to hit. I had begun to notice more that my mother mocked me at every turn, she freqently informed me that She might love me, but she doesn't like me. I was lonely, friendless, and sleep deprived. I became depressed, and more anxious than ever, but I still refused to be medicated. I followed in my brother's footsteps only as far as self-harm... when it was discovered my mother insisted I was doing it to get attention. She insisted, demanded and strong-armed me into being medicated again. (I never outgrew the self-harm "phase" I just got better at hiding it.) Eventually the norm became my masks and lies. There was nothing I hated more than being medicated. I attempted to be a social person, much to my own detriment. The only thing I managed to keep in check was my writing. My only solace. I joined a twitter RPG, and met a small circle of women, who became my chosen sisters. I was one of the youngest, but our youngest was only 18. Her name was Beth. Being as mine is Josephine, she and I formed an instant bond over the fact that we shared the names of the protagonist and her most beloved sister in Little Women. And truly that was our relationship. She was shy, and brilliant and perfect, and I would have done absolutely anything for her, as she kept my head on my shoulders. Beth's father died of cancer when she was only 5. Her mother physically and psychologically abused her until she finally left for University. I day I was only too happy to witness. We were as close as to people living on opposite sides of the world could be. She was my baby sister, and that was all there was too it. Unfortunately, just as in Little Women, I lost my Bess. IT hat been a bad year for her. First with her disappearance during the 2012 London Games. She had tickets and attended the opening ceremony, and suddenly dropped off the face of the planet for two weeks. We were naturally frantic. She eventually got back in touch once she "came too" she was somewhere well out of the UK, with no knowledge of how she got there, what had happened, or where she'd been. This episode managed to land her in a psychiatric hospital for three months. She hadn't been eating, thus diagnosed with an eating disorder, she told me, and I fully believed her, that she just forgot to eat most of the time because she was never hungry. She'd been drinking vodka like it was water, diagnosis - alcoholism. Eventually she went to a private psychiatrist who finally correctly diagnosed her with PTSD. Everything she'd gone through with her mother... even I had that diagnosis pegged, an that was before I adopted abnormal psychology and nursing as my major/minor. Her "boyfriend" at the time refused to research PTSD, and after the hospitalization, she was worse for wear. He had begun to treat her like a doormat, and eventually broke up with her because she wasn't feeling well enough to fuck him whenever he wanted it. The breakup was hard. She always wore her heart on her sleeve, and shared it openly with anyone who was kind to her. After that prick left, she became angry for a good while. Even she and I had a short falling out, because someone told her some lie about me. It eventually cleared up, when she started thinking straight again. Not long after, she met a nice young Scot named Thomas... he was good to her, he understood her illness, and he worshipped the ground she walked on. She was quite suddenly back to her sweet self. They weren't together long before he proposed, and she said yes. I was so pleased for her, just perfectly happy to see her FINALLY being loved the way she deserved. She went to his family's home in Scotland for Christmas, she said they were strange, but she loved them - and they her. On yule, she sent out her traditional Christmas emails. Regaling us with her adventures with her fiance. She sounded so joyous. On boxing day I recieved a message on facebook... Thomas told me she had passed away. I felt certain it was some sick joke, and ignored it for three days. I emailed, messaged, texted, called. To no avail... Finally I messaged Thomas back, asking if it was a joke, or if he had been hacked. He didn't respond. I rallied the forces, and we called around to her house-mates and got our answer. On the 23rd Tom and his parents went out, leaving Bess to relax a little. When they came home they found her on the floor, wrists slit. In February we managed to get all the details. Beth had decided to fogive her ex for treating her like shit while they were together, so she sent him a christmas email, like she did with all of us. He had written back to tell her that he never liked her, the only thing she had been good for was a quick shag, and a free meal. He told her he never wanted to speak to her again, and to stay out of his life. This pushed her over the edge... He killed her. Gods help me that BOY never wants to meet me in a dark alley, or a brightly lit police station. Because my reaction will be the same in either place. If his head remains on his shoulders, his own prick will be jammed down his throat... In one swift motion I lost my baby sister, my best friend, my editor, and my co-author. I was in hysterics. I could not be consoled. I was screaming and sobbing for days. They nearly had me committed (sectioned) I stopped writing, nothing that came out was any good. And I didn't have my sounding board anymore. It's taken me five years, to even get back to fan fiction - forget original work - I doubt I'll ever get back to that, heartbreaking though it is. Lately I've been more anxiety-ridden than I have been since I was a teenager. I've fallen to a desperate need for anti-anxiety and anti-depressants, my sleep is more erratic than I can ever remember it being, when I do sleep I'm generally plagued by nightmares. My body is failing me, I'm in constant pain, I can't seem to find any job locally, my medical licenses have lapsed, because I can't afford my CEU's and the renewal fees. I'm living with my parents, which makes the anxiety and depression worse. I have no friends - and gods help me I think I'm embracing my mother's diagnoses of me, because the only way to stay sane is to try not to care. I am a wreck. I'm miserable - and I have no one. Yet I keep on, because there are people who have it worse... there is always someone worse off. Despite the mask, I always care about everyone else. Whether they care about me or not.

[irfan12320-blog]

Protecting your hands from the cold with good gloves is easy

Protecting your hands from the cold with good gloves is easy, the hard part is knowing which ones are best for us and solving our main doubts. Here you have the most reliable and independent answers!

1)     Are the khaadi pret sufficient for winter?

 For moderate cold (from 0 to + 5 ° C), gloves of Polarity 100, Polarity Powerstrech or similar may suffice. If you are cold or under zero you will need something thicker.

 I have heard that wool gloves, still wet, always wear, unlike synthetic ones.

 True, but if you need to pull or support with tools (piolets) or walking with sticks they are too slippery and not very strong to abrasion. They are good for non-technical uses, such as walking without canes through the mountains or city and rural tourism.

 If I just want to have a glove for the whole year, which one would be the best?

For versatility, the best gloves would be the Win stopper type. They are very light, windproof, sufficiently waterproof (although the seams are not sealed) and effective up to about -3ºC. They are also usually quite accurate and light and functional for walking with sticks on rainy days.

What is the best snow glove or very cold?

 Admirably, use a waterproof glove with a high-quality membrane (Gore-Tex type or similar) and thermal padding (Prim aloft / Thermocline / Thiosulfate fiber or a combination of polar liners). Depending on the model, they are very useful knitted fingerless gloves from -5 to -20ºC.

khaadi summer sale has its own standard go and check out the latest collection.

 5) Are knitted fingerless gloves hotter than gloves?

Yes, keeping fingers together always shows warmer with equal thickness, but they lack precision. You are interested in maintaining precision in the fingers in case some unforeseen occurrence or you drop an object (for example a mobile slider). The three-finger eid dresses or those that allow four fingers to be removed by horizontal opening partially solve the problem.

 6) If I am especially cold and my normal gloves don't work, what is the best solution?

The hottest is heatable with a light mobile type battery. They can be regulated at more than 40 degrees for almost 8 hours, but keep in mind that they are expensive (more than 200 euros), difficult to find and that if they are not of high quality, the electrical resistance by use and flexion will break quickly.

7) Why are there no gloves with a pen?

The pen is designed more for expedition knitted fingerless gloves. In a glove, the fingers are too narrow to accommodate enough and uncompressed feathers. Nor would it work well with moisture or compression (for example holding the handle of an ice ax). Fiber is a more stable and water repellent filler.

8) What requirements are most important in a good glove?

That it offers you the protection you need (thermal or thermal + waterproof), that the fingers are precise and that it does not fatigue the hand when flexing the fingers (because in cold situations and if you are tired you will tend to take the hand too open or “still ”, A problem with canes or ice ax).

9) Are there gloves that never fit?

The waterproof-breathable mountaineering and off-piste skiing (which are the hottest) are very resistant to water penetration, but not waterproof. Water can enter both snow and capillary as the outer tissue becomes saturated and moisture migrates to the inner fill. They endure hours but not whole days. Between day and day, you have to dry them or take a second pair.

10) How much does a good glove cost?

It depends on the materials and the operator. The gloves range from 20 euros to 250 euros. Logically those that include waterproof-breathable membrane and preformed cut are always more expensive. For most non-extreme uses for 80 euros, you can find good winter gloves of recognized brands.

 The wait is over now you can buy from khaddi sale

Choose the ideal puncture resistance standard

There are numerous options of puncture-resistant gloves on the market, to choose the one that is best for you, we advise you to consider at what level the glove is tested.

There are two standards for testing the puncture resistance of a glove:

1. Thick prick with large objects - Standard EN 388: 1994

For threats of thicker punctures, such as wood, nails or glass.

Wood industry, metal manufacturing, waste collection, needle-free recycling.

2. The threat of fine object drilling - ASTM F2878

Dangers of punctures with thin objects such as needles.

Industries such as waste management, paper, recycling, etc.

In Dynamic we have a wide variety of Superior Glove industrial gloves models, adaptable to all types of needs and industry, approach our certified staff to analyze which model is the most suitable for your industry.

Choose the best gloves for winter

Here are some tips to find the right model for your environment and application:

# 1 Choose a multi-layer glove for temperatures below 20 ° F or -5 ° C

●        For colder temperatures, the best thing to do is to use a glove that has at least two layers or more, some of the ways it can be composed are:

●        2 layers: Nylon and Napped Nape

●        3 layers: Leather or nylon and Thiosulfate ™ Nylon

●        4 layers: Synthetic leather, waterproof membrane, fleece, and nylon insulation

# 2 Moisture Management

Most of the sweat of the body comes from the hands and soles of the feet and this moves the heat away from the body 25 times faster than the air due to its higher density. So moisture management is key to designing winter gloves that keep the user warm.

When choosing your pair of winter gloves, make sure that the layer that comes in contact with the skin is not cotton-based, as this material absorbs sweat and moisture to cool the user.

We advise you to choose a layer of materials such as polypropylene or a natural fiber such as wool since they remove moisture and keep the skin dry.

# 3 Selection of windproof outer layer

As for the outer layer, the most suitable is one with a higher density that helps you block the wind. Avoid materials such as rag wool since this type of fabric is too open and allows the wind to penetrate.

A dense outer layer can provide 25 ° F (14 ° C) of heat to the glove in quiet conditions, and 50 ° F (28 ° C) of heat in windy conditions.

# 4 it has the correct insulation

The most suitable insulation for extreme temperatures that are below 0 ° F / -20 ° C is Thiosulfate ™, which provides maximum warmth thanks to its thickness and a large number of synthetic fibers that trap the air for Don't let it go

This insulation keeps the warmth well, even when it is wet and you can find it in different weights and types.

When working in cold conditions or environments where dexterity is critical, gloves with Thiosulfate ™ 40 gems are the best option.

For light activity levels or work in cold conditions, we recommend a 100 gem Thiosulfate ™ glove.

# 5 Pay attention to the fingertips

Many winter gloves have great design opportunities in the area of ​​the fingers: they have less insulation than required in the fingertips or bad seams, allowing heat to escape from the user's hand.

khaadi lawn collection 2020 have a great impact since the fingers are more susceptible to cold because they do not have important muscles that allow heat to be produced. Besides, the body gives preference to heat the internal organs so it reduces blood flow to the extremities in cold conditions. The solution for this is to use fully lined gloves and said lining fits completely to the sides of the fingers.

Now that you squeeze the cold hard, it's hard to get your hands out of your pockets, right? Maybe gloves are a great idea but ... How do we answer a phone call or a WhatsApp we receive? As you well know, capacitive touch screens do not respond to the touch of fabrics that do not have any conductive material, and in this sense, conventional gloves will be of little use in our relationship with the smartphone. So, I decided to try some tactile gloves (come on, ready to support mobile touch screens).

Stands to enter this world, I chose to ensure a quality product even if it cost me a little more expensive, and I made myself with a double layer Mujjo, neither the most expensive, nor the cheapest in the catalog, but prepared for "cold climates "And yes, in the north, winter can be quite hard. To make this adventure even more fun, I started using them with an iPhone 8 Plus and then I'm done with an iPhone X (later we will see why this change is decisive).

Although it was not Mujjo's first product, these gloves stand out for their high quality; just what I was looking for, and a very comfortable magnetic closure that makes them perfectly fixed. On the web, they have a real simulator in which you can place your hand on the screen to know exactly the size and that it fits perfectly (something fundamental for the use we will want to give it). Now, how realistic is the feeling of wearing tactile gloves on the mobile?

 My first use was curious:

I went for a walk with my dog ​​at night and with a temperature close to zero degrees; after a few steps, I took the iPhone 8 plus out of my pocket to listen to a podcast and here the clearer things begin to be seen. The first and obvious: unlocking using Touch ID is impossible for logical reasons, so you had to go back to the awkward code (or take off your gloves); but as I pointed out, this stopped being a problem when I finally got the iPhone X and the unlock by Faced.

[mylovingbouquetearthquakewo-blog]

Rover75 rear hit by a 4x4. Garage says not repairable what do I do? how much will the insurance pay?

"Rover75 rear hit by a 4x4. Garage says not repairable what do I do? how much will the insurance pay?

The 4x4 damaged the rear end of my Rover 75, impossible to shut boot and lights not working. The garage and insurance now say it is not repairable. - but even after the accident, the car was driving perfectly. How much will the insurance company pay? Will they? Is there any way I can get the car fixed?

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecost.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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supposedly an insurance company

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What car insurance company has a commercial with a man riding a bike?

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How Much is this Emergency Room Visit without Insurance?

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What is the cheapest insurance for a 19yr old?

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How can I renew my car insurance from abroad?

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Rover75 rear hit by a 4x4. Garage says not repairable what do I do? how much will the insurance pay?

The 4x4 damaged the rear end of my Rover 75, impossible to shut boot and lights not working. The garage and insurance now say it is not repairable. - but even after the accident, the car was driving perfectly. How much will the insurance company pay? Will they? Is there any way I can get the car fixed?

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How much do car rental agencies typically charge for insurance?

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The 4x4 damaged the rear end of my Rover 75, impossible to shut boot and lights not working. The garage and insurance now say it is not repairable. - but even after the accident, the car was driving perfectly. How much will the insurance company pay? Will they? Is there any way I can get the car fixed?

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Can i drive any car with insurance?

Alright I asked a question earlier and i didnt provide enough information Im 16 and my dad just got me insurance on our car, a toyota camry. He said that i can drive any other car as long as i have the insurance card of the camry, i have my 'own' car (acura) that i dont know that i can drive or not that is under my dads name.. but that car isnt under our policy. is it true that i can drive the acura with my camry's insurance?""

A question about car insurance?

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Health insurance for a single 23 year old male?

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What is a good cheap sports car for a teenager?

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I'm in the process of buying health insurance n making sure I'm able to mail my presriptions every month to there pharmacy and getting them filled and sent back to me within a reasonable time is something I will need so I am wondering which company is best at this when it comes to how soon u will get them and how hard it is to set up your scripts especially certain ones u take every day but can only get a 30day supply like for my adderall which ive been on since i was a kid but i have 5 kids of my own now n lately I'm having trouble filling locally n hope I won't have the same problem when mailing them

I'm 17 years old and do I have to buy car insurance if my parents sit next to me?

I rarely drive so i don't want to get car insurance yet, but sometimes I want to drive around with my family. So do I have to buy car insurance if my parents sit next to me in the car?""

""What is the penalty for driving without insurance on a motorbike, as i feel it was a genuine oversight?""

I was stopped because of a broken rear light and as it happens my insurance had expired about 4 days before. I wasn't aware that the insurance expired , i thought it was at the end of the month. I didn't receive any reminder because i had forgotten to change address with the insurance company, which was completely my fault. This is a genuine oversight on my part, but I'm not sure if they'll look at previous incident i had with my cousins car when i was a teenager about 7 years ago, i got caught driving without insurance. Probably one of the stupidest things i have done but i learned from it, but the court may not look at it like that. Should i get a solicitor and does anyone know how much they cost? Will i be suspended from driving?""

Insurance for a 16 year old on a hyundai tiburon?

Hi, i'm looking at cars to get when i turn 16. I'm thinking of a hyundai tiburon. I would like to know how much the insurance on this kind of car for me would be, in michigan. if you have any idea, let me know. thanks !""

Life Insurance company inactive and I have a policy?

Federal Life and Casualty in Battle Creek, MI is now inactive. My dad had a 5k life insurance policy and has passed on. He has a fully paid policy on file. Is this a situation where the family is out of luck?""

Will I have to pay sports insurance ?

I'm a 16 year old female and I will be getting a 2007 tiburon 2 door , 4 cyl car , would I have to pay sports insurance on it even though it's not 6 or 8 cyl. ?""

""Will my insurance go up, if my parked car was hit and not occupied?""

My Car was hit While parked and was not occupied (nobody was in the car) The car that hit my car, pulled out of the parking spot and was trying to hide. i went and filed a collission report against the driver. what will happen now, will my insurance rate go up? or will i be at 100% no fault. I know some insurance companies try to rip us off. plz help

Car insurance for a 15 soon to be 16 year old?

so i am looking at getting my first car and so i need to be thinking about car insurance and my grade point average is like 2 something. i have american family. any ideas what their rates would be.??

Car insurance?

I got my license 2 weeks ago and I am getting a car this week. What insurance company would you recommend that I go with? Progressive, Gieco or AIG. If you have any others, feel free to throw it out there.""

CANT GET INSURANCE LOWER THAN 6000 !!!?

I'm really frustrated as i've just passed my test and looking into buying a car and insurance and im quoting on a Vauxhall Corsa that is in insurance group 1 and getting nothing less than 6000 how the hell am i supposed to be able to afford that even with a full time job! its ridiculous i know that im 18 and male which is high risk but even if they said between 2000 - 3000 it wouldnt be so bad for me, can someone please give me an idea of what to do next?! :/""

Where is the best place for cheap insurance for a 100cc scooter in northern ireland?

age 26, honda scv100 lead 2007""

Car insurance for 17 year old??!?!?

Hello, I have just looked at car insurance prices for a 17 year old male on a peugot 106 with a 1.2 engine size... and its over 5 grand!?!? Is this right or am i doing the quote things wrong? How do so many people my age have cars if they are paying this much for a bloody car!! Is there something I am missing that everyone else is doing? Or do i just happen to live with a lot of teens with rich parents?""

Geico Car Insurance Down Payment?

Im looking at car Insurances and was wondering if Geico makes you pay a down payment when you first start off? I know you have to pay the first months payment but what about a down payment? Do you remember paying a down payment?

Rover75 rear hit by a 4x4. Garage says not repairable what do I do? how much will the insurance pay?

The 4x4 damaged the rear end of my Rover 75, impossible to shut boot and lights not working. The garage and insurance now say it is not repairable. - but even after the accident, the car was driving perfectly. How much will the insurance company pay? Will they? Is there any way I can get the car fixed?

Only Teens please :) How much do you pay for auto insurance?

Teen payments 19 years old preference

Cheapest car insurance uk desperate!?

im 17 and just passed my test and i have a citreon saxo sx 1.4. my parents dont drive so i cant get insured on their name so i know its going to cos me a fair amount. ive tried looking on all the search engines such as confused but the prices are so expensive! does anyone know any individual companies that are really cheap, i really am desperate!! lol, thanks.""

If I upgrade to full coverage insurance can I get previous car accident damages fix?

I have liability and I was in a minor car accident two months ago. I need to upgrade my insurance because the bank than loaned me money for the car requires me to have comprehensive and collision coverage. If I upgrade could I fix the damages to my car?

How much will my insurance go up with one point on my license?

I live in California and I have Farmers insurance, got a ticket for a speeding back in December and I didn't take traffic school so there's now a point on my ticket. Anyone know if Farmers cares about one point on the license and if so how I will be affected?""

The supposed 40million that don't have Health insurance..how many?

How many don't have it because they don't care to have it? How many don't have it because they can not find an affordable insurance plan? How many in this 40million number are not legal citizens? How and who came up with this number?

Ninja 250 insurance question?

im trying to get a ninja 250 from around the year 2000, im 16 and need full coverage insurance. I hear the insurance is about 200-300 a year? why yearly and not monthly insurance payments like my truck?""

""Would any car insurance(allstate,geico) insure an international student who doesn't have a PA licence?

I have my country licence and an international driving permit. I would like to buy a car in Pennsylvania as I am staying for about a year in this country. I would like to know will car insurance companies insure me?

Changing insurance from car to van?

I have a multicar policy with admiral at the moment. I have bought a vw van to drive for pleasure, not for work. I am selling one of my cars in the policy and am replacing it with the van. The car insurance runs out in december. What will I do? Will I have to pay more and not get any money back. You can't have vans in the multicar policy!""

Tell me a word which explain Insurance in a single line?

I need a good tagline for Insurance

What type of insurance is needed to start a cheerleading team?

I would like to start a cheerleading team but do not know what insurance is needed to protect me from being sued if someone is injured during practice. and what other advice is important to know when starting such a bussines?

What's the cheapest insurance for an 18 year old?

Where can I get insurance coverage for a very low monthly price?...for an 18 year old

Im looking for cheap or reasonalby priced auto insurance...can anyone give me any tips???

this is my first car and i need full coverage...somebody help me please!

Can my insurance company deny my claim...?

Lots of info, sorry! My car was parked on the street and hit during the night. I drove the car to the repair place the following morning and the airbag deployed on the way there. (Stupid, I know, I wasn't thinking). My insurance company, GEICO is insisting that the damage is not consistent with a hit and run accident. They have taken recorded statements from me and my boyfriend. They have contracted an independent accident reconstructionist to read the airbag deployment. The reconstructionist originally told me that he was unable to retrieve the data, but the insurance company is now telling me that he was able to get a partial reading. And that it shows that the airbag deployed as a result of impact. The airbag did not actually fully deploy. There is no powder or injury to me to justify a complete deployment. Does anybody know if they have the right to deny my claim based on suspicion? They keep trying to make me say that my boyfriend was driving the car, which he wasn't. We were in the house together all night. Also: car was in previous fire; severe damage to front of car, all repaired. accident happened in CA, full coverage policy written in GA I know its a lot of info. Thanks for reading and I appreciate any helpful answers. Thanks!""

Question about Car insurance (UK)?

Does anyone know if / how mileage for year is calculated for insurance purposes. What do the insurers check for these details? I have a private policy for my second car (my non work runaround) and it is limited to 3000miles per year. Perfect for trips to the dump, bulky or messy trips to the shops etc. I lend the car to my partners foreign parents who use their own insurance policy (cheaper for them) to drive it during their vacations to the UK 2-3 times a year adding quite a bit of mileage to the vehicle. If we both have insurance to be driving my car, am I at fault for claiming low mileage allowance for cheaper insurance for the car?""

Ohio moped insurance?

im 14 i have a 1980 puch moped i wanna now the cost per year

My job does not have..Need health insurance?

looking for private health insurance, what are some companies that are affordable? lists of companies and info about them please. Thanks to all who answer =]""

How much would it be to insure a 17 year old on a Nissan Navara Pick Up Truck?

'JUST OUT OF INTEREST' I have always wanted a Nissan Navara Pick up truck and i turn 17 in october, its unlikely i will be driving till next year! i was just wondering an insurance estimate on, say, an 08 plate? Im not fussed weather it is 'expensive' i know it wont be cheap and the companies are unlikely to insure me on them but i was just wondering about a price. Its hard for me to go on insurance websites as i do not have a license and know any information. I have herd they are in Group 11 insurance.. Also are they classed as a Van/Car/ Etc? Would just like an average quote please! don't want answers with 'depends on this, this or this'.. Thanks very much!""

Fuel economy and average insurance prices of mitsubishi 3000gt?

I'm thinking of getting a 1991 Mitsubishi 3000gt. I would prefer the VR4 (DUH!), but if I can't find one(Right now I can find 3, so I'm not too concerned), I'll just get the SL. I don't want the base model. So what is the average fuel economy of this car( vr4 and sl)? And the average insurance prices? Anybody have experience with owning this car? I've heard that it's fairly cheep to insure, because it's considered a coupe by insurance companies, instead of being recognized as the high performance sports car that it is. Is this true? And is it as fun as it looks? ;)""

How much would my insurance be is I have 4 points against my license?

I gotten 2 speeding tickets within 6 months (4 points in south carolina...I have a good reason to be speeding!)...I am currently uninsured but my vehicle (2000 Honda CR-V) is insured under my mom's insurance with Geico... I'm 19 years old and soon I will have to register my own vehicle and get insured...my mom doesn't know that I have tickets. I go to college and I'm a pretty good student (4.0) would I get a discount with that? Also, what is the cheapest insurance? Thanks!""

What is the best car insurance company? out there?

I'm with all state but is there any insurance company better than all state?

How much would car insurance cost for a Mustang GT.?

I am 16 years old Never had a accident Live in a pretty big city 2012 Ford Mustang GT

Is there any affordable health insurance for full time college students?

I'm a full time student and I work full time. But our benefits at work aren't that great. It's close to $400 a month with a 5000 deductible. I can't afford that right now. Recently my mom told me that she heard some colleges have health insurance programs or something like that that I can get through the college. It's pretty affordable supposedly.. I tried to search on my college site but didn't really find anything. Where can I find info about this? Or are there any government programs that offer insurance to full time students?

Best insurance lawyer in southern california?

i had my car stolen and the insurance company is trying to screw me so i need a good lawyer to help me fight back.

""After a DUI,about how much a month does your car insurance go up?

First DUI and I share a policy with a family member.

Whats a good cheap sports car?

Hello i need some help. This is my situation I'm 20 years old i live in Connecticut and I'm looking to purchase a car (used). I have about $2k cash to put down on it. I would say my limit for price would be about 6-8k due to financing fees taxes etc (credit score of 731). Now what I'm looking for is a pretty fast sports car to use as my DD.(I currently have a 89 mustang lx 5.0 which gets about 10 mpg city) Not very economical as a DD when gas is over $4 a gallon. Anyways back on topic, I found a 2002 wrx for 8k but got quoted for an insurance rate of 2k-3k. So this is out of the question! I make about 200 a week at the moment and pay $100 cell phone bill and $100 a month for rent. So my funds are limited for insurance + car payments. Basically i need to know a reliable cheap fast sports car i can get a good insurance rate on. But it also has to get good fuel economy! Sorry for the long rant and me being so picky but please help!""

Rover75 rear hit by a 4x4. Garage says not repairable what do I do? how much will the insurance pay?

The 4x4 damaged the rear end of my Rover 75, impossible to shut boot and lights not working. The garage and insurance now say it is not repairable. - but even after the accident, the car was driving perfectly. How much will the insurance company pay? Will they? Is there any way I can get the car fixed?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/pain-suffering-money-how-much-enough-ask-from-your-own-lurdes-beach"