#and thus begins his journey of wrestling with his delusions

[nights-at-crystarium]

✧✦✧ "Fragments" - episode 47 ✧✦✧

One anomaly finally sees the other.

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[babygotbachfantasy-blog]

Bachelor recap, Ep. 3: Wrestling with a charmless Bachelor

“Ladies and gentleman, the Kissing Bandit, ARIE LUYENDYK JUNIORRRR!”

Chris Harrison is standing at the center of a makeshift ring, putting on his best wrestling announcer voice, when Our Bachelor emerges in a full black suit and black mask with poorly cut eye holes. This is hardly a wrestling costume, unless the alter ago Arie is after is “The Lame Ranger”. But, as he’s already proven, being charming to a group of women is not really Arie’s thing. Even if that’s the entire premise of The Bachelor.

Unable to feign any semblance of enthusiasm, Arie offers a limp wave to the women, who are cheering as if Dwayne Johnson himself has entered the ring. But there is nothing cooking here. The acronym “GLOB” was meant to describe the women wrestling -- and earn some Netflix ad money -- but it is a more fitting word to describe Arie’s presence on this date, and on the show in general.

It’s not uncommon in the history of Bachelordom for the Bachelor to be stripped of personality. Most of the men chosen for the dubious honor are boring or safe. They care too much about how they look for #BachelorNation to be anything but politically correct. They are the kind of men any mother would call A Very Nice Boy.

Arie, however, has taken this lack of personality to another level. His most interesting trait has already been mentioned 75 times in three episodes. Spoiler alert: There’s probably not much else there.

“I don’t know anything about wrestling,” Arie admits. “I’m a racecar driver.” And yet, in spite of the show’s insistence, he is definitively not a racecar driver. He is a real estate agent, who used to be pretty bad at racing. I’m beginning to wonder how anyone buys a house from this guy, let alone date him on national television. 

But for reasons no one seems to understand, none of the women have figured this out. It’s probably no coincidence that the first two group dates offered a high probability of brain trauma.

Before the women take on each other in four oddly sexual wrestling matches, Arie puts on a red cape and stands on the ropes of the ring, making for perhaps the least sexual moment in the history of the Bachelor. Wearing what appears to be a large child’s Halloween costume, Arie manages to look as awkward as a man advertised to be charming and smooth can possibly look. 

I never thought I’d find myself wondering why a Bachelor wasn’t shirtless. But here we are.

In the scene that follows, Arie -- with the tucked-in shirt and slacks uniform of a less-than-intimidating wedding DJ -- gets the crap beat out of him by Kenny King, the former wrestler from Rachel’s season. Considering Kenny’s genuinely charming personality, he is not allowed to speak on camera, so as to not outshine the Bachelor. 

(Serious question: Why isn’t Kenny the Bachelor? Could he still stage a WWE-style coup?)

Of course, the match ends with Arie pulling a “move” to pin Kenny and win. The women swoon. Apparently, it is now sexy to watch your man get beaten up. I’ve been out of the game too long, I guess.

Later, while sitting down with Tia, Arie gets his chance to feel manly again. Embarrassed that she cried at the verbal abuse from their two GLOW mentors on the date, Tia confides in Arie that she “felt weak.”

Arie attempts to console her. “I can make you feel better,” he responds. 

“That makes me feel like a man.”

Really. He said that. You see, at any other moment, Arie is merely a horny man-boy whose emotional intelligence extends to making out and talking about making out. He’s the kissing bandit, after all, America! Haven’t you heard?? Sure enough, seconds later, Arie and Tia are kissing. Mid-kiss, he touches her chin. 

“You did so good today,” he says, in a voice one uses when rewarding a dog that just learned a new trick. 

As far as we can tell through three episodes, Arie appears incapable of adding anything of interest to a conversation with a woman. His plan appears to be, “When in doubt, make out.” This has worked a frightening amount of times thus far.

But in Wine Country, it does not. In the show’s third 1-on-1 date, the most stimulating conversation between Arie and Lauren S. is about what time they go to bed. Mid-date, it’s clear both of them knew things were going south. Arie is actually shown eating food on camera. When that happens, shit has already hit the fan. Lauren S. is soon sent home, becoming the earliest unsuccessful 1-on-1 date in recent Bachelor history. 

Another sign that things are going downhill: Talking about not kissing the Bachelor. If you aren’t kissing the Kissing Bandit, you should probably take the hint.

Naturally, Annaliese does not. She is too worried about bumper cars and scary puppies to understand that nothing is worse -- in any romantic circumstance --than asking for a kiss. It is, for lack of a better cliche, the kiss of death.

She does it, anyway, confronting Arie twice at the cocktail party and finally asking if he’s into it. He’s decidedly not into it. Because, well, if you can’t makeout, then why are you here? 

Annaliese is eliminated early, leaving just before the ceremony. I think we can assume this experience will lead to tens of thousands in psychiatrist bills.

In reality, there is only one woman on the show with enough deep-seeded emotional issues to be in the driver’s seat right now. Krystal has created a delusion in which she believes that Arie has already decided on her, but must go through the charade of this reality show. She plainly tells this to Marikh, who, needless to say, is still vying for Arie’s affection. 

“These girls, they’re living in such a false reality,” Krystal says. “I really just feel like I’m going very far. I really feel like we know we want to end up together, and this is just a process that has to be done.”

Um, it’s called The Journey™, Krystal. And something tells me it’s not going to work out well for you. No matter how many whispery makeout sessions there are along the way.

MOMENT OF THE WEEK

Bibiana has set up a romantic spot for her and Arie in the driveway, lighting candles and setting up a day-bed and telescope. The effort alone should’ve gotten her rose. Except .... she forgot to ask him to actually use it. 

Soon, Lauren B. found her not-so-secret spot. Obviously, they made out on the bed. Others came. Others made out. Bibiana was not one of them.

In fact, Bibiana didn’t talk to Arie at all until after the cocktail party. She “didn’t deserve this,” she later said to the cameras, after Arie said goodbye.

Snooze you lose, I guess.

EPISODE MVP

Bekah M. The ageless nanny has Arie eating out of the palm of her hand. She’s already psychoanalyzing him; though, God knows, there isn’t much there to analyze. 

Arie, she says, likes her because she’s “unsafe”. 

“You know that I don’t need you,” she told him. A brilliant move. The group date rose was hers right then. 

It’s no easy feat to play hard-to-get on a show like the Bachelor, but Bekah is making it work. Here’s hoping she stays on as long as possible. Or at least until she can celebrate her 21st birthday.

IN MEMORIAM

Lauren S. Just one more Lauren left!

Annaliese. Just one trauma too many.

Bibiana. The mic dropped ... and it never recovered.