#and this manifests itself in a HORRIBLE attempt at a first semester of college

[thebluestbluewords]

My brain is doing some NOT VERY GREAT things rn, so I am EXTERNALIZING THE FEELINGS ONTO FICTIONAL MEN because that’s a healthier coping mechanism than the other options. (cw for suicidal ideation)

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Jay’s been to the college library twice. Once because it was part of orientation, and once on his own in an attempt to do homework. He got one chapter into his assigned reading before a group of enthusiastic tennis juniors swept through and picked up anyone they recognized, and he hasn’t been back since. There’d been too many people around to focus on homework anyway. 

“I’m not doing homework.” 

Carlos thwacks his head. “I didn’t say we were doing homework, I said we’re going to the library. I know you don’t focus around other people.” 

Jay rolls onto his back, as far away as he can get in the confines of a twin bed. 

It’s not very far. 

“I don’t focus….anywhere.” 

Carlos winds a hand into his shirt to pull him back.

“Like I said, I know this game. You don’t focus anywhere because your brain thinks you’d be better off dead, and it won’t listen to anything that’s not getting it to that goal. You’re not going to shout over it, so you’re got to sneak around it.”