#and this entity is like dont even try that w me. just laughs. and honestly like fair enough u do u ....

[g8d]

tfw everyone in the system has like vaaastly different ideas about what reality fundamentally is and what it means to be

[candyredterezii]

like ok u guys rlly need to learn some fucking social skills or least fucking critical thinking before even trying to talk to me

like its been on my mind but its rlly fucking ridiculous the amount of times exchanges like this have happened

me: dont form parasocial relationships with me its weird makes me uncomfortable and is just bad

anon: i dont form parasocial relationships with you. in fact i dont even remember ur name and a majority of ur interests cus u mean that little to me

---

me: hey can u guys stop being weird about my thighs in my inbox stop sexualizing me please

anon: i dont even think ur thighs are that great so idk why anons are being weird. no offense. 

--

there was another time this happened recently but i forgot what it was but its happened before like

do you guys like not fucking think no offnese. ASDIFKJ

like you guys literally

please fucking remember im a real person with real feelings.

honestly ngl the last couple days i really have felt fucking awful and feel so like. disregarded and disrespected over my feelings.

like i make jokes and a haha funny but that doesnt mean it doenst still affect me i just do what i can naturally do and just make something funny out of a situation. and I HAVE deleted A LOT of asks that make me uncomfy and there has been SO MANY ASKS just crossing the fucking line and im just finally getting sick of it dude.

like people remember im a fucking person here im literally just some bitch who runs a blog and makes funny haha posts stop putting me on a pedestal and treating me like a celebrity or like thinking just cus you send me asks on anon a lot that i answer that it makes us friends

it doesnt.

every anon i get is a faceless entity to me. 

and sending me shit like: ive been this anon and that anon and alsot his anon

means NOTHING to me. and i literally, no offense, dont care. cus ur still a stranger to me. and always will be.

i dont care “how many times you’ve made me smile and laugh” cus tbh ngl. just cus i post a funny reaction image or a keysmash doesnt always mean i laughed or smile sometimes i do it when im nervous or dont know what else to say!! and reaction images are just there for the funnies. like unless i do say im literally loosing it or w/e then sure

but. who cares?

you’re still some stranger to me and being fucking weird creep in my inbox behind the face of anonymity is just fucking gross.

treat me like a person. respect im a person.

im just a dumb ass with mental illness who runs a blog like bro. you guys BARELY know me and I don’t post much bout my life on here because i dont want u guys to rlly know me ASIDKJF like please just fucking take a step back and look at your behavior and what youre saying before speaking to me.

[smallestclowninthecircus]

Tma season 2 notes baybeee

I made myself take several breaks so I could give my frie d who is listening to it at the same time as me a chance to catch up. Honestly just posting them so I have them saved somewhere but whatever.

ep 41: real graham wrote keep watching before he was replaced. Jon feels like he's being watched. But they werent replaced by things related to the eye. It's the web that's on the box that replaces them. Endless hallways and doors to nowhere. I bet nicholas will have ideas what entity this relates to. If it even does. They're like the tunnels in the one with the builder guy. Tunnels closing in etc. Also like the cave diving one. He's assuming it's just one

ep 42: so 100 gecs? (IM SORRY I LIKE 100 GECS BUT LMAO) so there's some entity related to music right? There's the piper episode and the 27 w/ the calliope. Ah yes, this season is gonna be the season of Paranoid!Jon

ep 43: section 31? fucking books. god no. smashed lights? cult lady did that. covered the lights too. she mentioned a spooky clown doll. thats not random.

ep 44: is this that same circus that got mentioned before? it is! the pipe organ! pop off organ! pipe off! mouth on the stomach! yes! mouths in unusual places my beloved!

ep 45: antiques! like that one ep!

ep 46: every time books get mentioned i sigh. hhh sus smells. it got brighter. I get the vibes occasionally that the dark and the eye are sorta at odds with eachother. GRRR BARK BARK LEITNER. ayyy ex altiora. entity go brr. which entity do we thing it is? my guess is The Dark. The book buyer's name is Mike. He has scars? Electricity? The childhood friend of the guy who got it later on perhaps? The Vast? its formatted like an entity idk. This happened before the other one. He got trapped in the wood carving. a win for the web lol spiders go brr

ep 47: did i hear spiral? ITS THE NOT THING FROM THE EPISODE WITH NOT GRAHAM "it didnt move, it shifted" is like the exact same sentence as before. ay john's starting to remember. the laughing woah thats weird. is "michael" one of the entities? "you make it seem like theres a war" supports my theory that theres a struggle between a couple of the entities. I said i thought it was the eye and the dark i believe but im not sure. its whatever entity michael is vs the worms? what did nicholas say the worms were again? The Corruption? still dont know which one michael is tho.

Had to take a break after that episode. smth about the quality of michael's voice makes me feel like im gonna slip into one of those states where it feels like nothing is real, so i got a nice cold glass of water.

ep 48: jesus ok this one's kidna corny. you're telling me love made the crowd go away come on now. Ur losing it big J. also shouldnt it be more sus that "sasha" is so unaffected by the worm incident/ finding of gertrude's body

ep 49: haven't we heard hector's name before? oh is he the crime guy? fucking jared... so it's a throat? chompa chompa. (it's just a little bit hot) the good part about these episodes is that we know whoever's telling the story isn't gonna die. even if it's a close call, they're not dead. hotworth? ok not jared keay. it bothers me how theres so many repeated names, can they not come up with other names? "sasha"'s computer is breaking... sus. Elias our favorite weed man! jon ur so paranoid lmao

ep 50: robert smirk, at it again. this is like that one episode with the old dude who locked his door. who said idle beforehand? was it smirk? fingertips. thats so weird lmao. bahahah tim

ep 51: simon fairchild. im sure jon will mention the name at the end i cant remember where we've heard it. this is just like the cavediving episode. a hand? there was a hand in the last one right? the scalpel! and an eye thing. she's trying to throw them off.

ep 52: thats the guy from before! with the hearts! god i hate this guy writing the statement hh. lights blowing, and brackish water. we know how this ends but its still tense. rainer? reigner? rain man. we've seen him before

ep 53: pls not a leitner. oh boy mans scratched out his eyes. rip skelly. why would gertrude have had this statement off the books? jon stabbed himself?? bruh im? big man are you okay

ep 54: cockney boys! ayy its our favorite delivery men. she cut out their eyes. she knew that the eye was a thing?

ep 55: oily residue like the retirement home!

ep 56: worms? no. spiders?? bruhh. aaah yelling :(( aww martin anyways yeah i called it about paranoid!jon he needs to take a nap and drink some hot chocolate and calm down for once please

ep 57: just remembered, i think theres an entity called The Lonely?? This feels pretty lonely idk. fairchild, lukas/ lucas, some spooky place in norway idk. "sasha" knew he was recordinig hmm suspicious cmon jon figure it out. Sasha and tom. hm sus. for records sake i feel liek i should note here that I did have it spoiled to me simply that that's not sasha, but thats really all. i assumed it was like the thing that happened to graham in S1

ep 58: i feel like i recognize the name eustice (?) wick. someone please tell me im not just watching jon's descent into madness over the course of this podcast. im hoping it isnt so but, (and pardon the dsmp reference) im getting real wilbur vibes from this one.

ep 59: oh dear ok account from the fielding house. swirling designs? Spiral time? oh boyy. oh wait! 6 inch hole in the middle! is it not a spiderweb type design on the table? thats what i had assumed but that description sounds more like a spiral thing. cobwebs is a Web thing. ayy nicholas was right! the box goes in the table! the place that she kissed him was burning. Raymond is an avatar of The Web and agnes is the burning one. Lightless Flame! Why did she save him? i guess she was against this guy eating ppl or wtvr but why was she at the halfway house then? I think she's like michael.

ep 60: the eye go brr

ep 61: breacon and hope once again. tom. sasha's boyfriend. vampires sleep in coffins. the guy just walking in seems similar to the mind control of the vampires

ep 62: bones! its that one leitner. is this mother keay? the mom of gerard? this is what happened to her right? her skin was found on hooks? oh yeah thats what i thought the pages are made of skin. yeesh. The End!! sounds like an entity. phrased like one, and i think i remember it. are the people trapped in the pages? or... kept?

ep 63: eaten by the darkness! cavediving episode! (just like eaten by the sky) did my brain make up one called The Vast? it feels like it should be one, and all these episodes have some similar description about their feelings when they do whatever chosen hobby they have. ok now this one kinda feels like the dark. lights going out and all that. ok so not really a The Vast thing, its more of a Dark thing. feckin smirk gah.

ep 64: dice! the death guy! the death game thing! the person tricked somebody else into becoming death and then they were immortal? but if the egyptians wanted to kill him or punish him or whatever couldnt they just kill him? it worked in the end when he had the person giving the statement stab him, that did the job and actually killed him

ep 65: finally jon is actually acknowledging something is wrong.

So we know Mary Keay was revived most likely with the book by gerard.

Gertrude was way more aware of the entities than Jon. mary keay referenced The End openly and she cut the eyes out of her magazines and all that which makes me think she was aware of The Eye

ep 66: please not buried alive pleeaase not buried alive. lukas of the tundra? didnt we hear the name lukas before? she wanted it to be difficult to find important files because that way bad people couldnt find them?

ep 67: agnes... the girl in the hilltop house? agnes poppin off!! he's really not gonna question how she knew where he lived?? oh no D: the tree. were they the ones working on the house? aww they kissi- OH DEAR. why did she kiss him? it seemed like she cared about him? also she could kiss that other dude on the cheek and he was fine, but maybe it was cuz she was younger? lightless flame go brrrrr.

ep 68: oh god books. yup its bitchboy leitner. mans said "this seems supernatural, its a werd book!" bruuh.

ep 69: heh nice. aw cmon jon listen to martin. gahhh spiders. is that the class we heard about in the other doctor one with the teeth apple? some kind of psych class? oh dear. fucking spiders. aaaah. web do be goin brr. it's like the girl in the homeless shelter! who made the guy leave and she took his bed.

ep 70: is this gonna be the book that mary keay had? Most likely a leitner no matter what. Oh boy latin. Why did it start in latin then become old English? I'm guessing people put them in the book? He cant burn it. Phrophecies go brr. He says eh it's a decade in the future it's fine. Its gonna have changed. Ayy called it. Just accept it, it's a magic book. His death is getting closer. Leitner didnt make them but just collected them? Gertrude burned the book! She burned them down there so no one would know.

ep 71: oh boy tunnels. Our favorite thing /s. is The Buried a thing? Idk this seems pretty buried. Oh dear he's trapped here isnt he. "Not enough space to move, never enough to breathe" is that from the computer episode? With the guy who uploaded his consciousness? Somebody living down there. Hmmmm. Guesses: tom, sasha's boyfriend. Gertrude herself? (Though I doubt it)

ep 72: sweeney todd moment. Meat. The slaughter? Idk we'll see what the supernatural part is. Meat is meat. Similar to the slaughterhouse episode. Is it fucking Jared I swear to God it better not be. Hooligan teenagers, you know how it is. Meat is me lmao. Is the kid gonna be in the freezer. Ok that's good. OWW. Oddly textured candles. Made from people? Human fat or smth? Tom from the meat processing plant!

ep 73: outer bay shipping. Bet it's a subset of breacon and hope delivery. The Dark go brrr. Uh oh mans is gonna die. Leo or whatever. Cult ppl go brr. The people's church of the divine host. Who is the divine host? Is it reigner or whatever his name is? I dont think Jon can quit tbh. Probably an anonymous tip but from who?? One of the entities?

ep 74: fucking teeth hhh. I dont know which entity is related to teeth. Spiral. Isnt the spiral an entity. It feels like it could be related to many things idk. Yeah this sounds like the spiral. Heart attack at 29? Jesus... michael! That's kinda what I was thinking. Sasha goin in the tunnels. Hmm sus. They move the floor. Wack. Bet its tom.

ep 75: Man with a lightning scar. Has one of the leitner books. The childhood friend of the one who first introduced us to leitner. Oh my god that sounds terrifying. Michael crew.

ep 76: scalpel? Hmm spooky. NotSasha... think jon think.

ep 77: another double! NotThem, The Stranger. Not related to the table?

ep 78: what was that at the beginning? Question mark?? Oh boy more NotThem. Decker... what is the deal with the table. Does it contain the creature? Fucking Michael. Bitchboi himself.

ep 79: yes pop off martin. Ugh fucking Michael just leave man. I hate that dude. New person. Hmm. No idea who it is.

ep 80: shitener himself! Ok sir tell us the entities. Ayy The Spiral. Ok we know what that one is. The Eye is the beholding! Oooh. The Stranger. Did elias just kill leitner? Popping off honestly.

[hakurines]

"Its not gay if he's also you"

Owo (from spookyscaryslasers)

The King dragged his past self through the sewers, taking a tight hold on his arm and constantly looking behind them.

  “Did we lose them?” The pre entity self said, looking worriedly over his shoulder. His encounter with those two women left him… shaken, to say at the least. Thankfully another one of his selves was there to save him, who now currently was guiding him through the dark stinky sewers not so nicely.

  “Come on now! We are almost there!” The king insisted, never ceasing his iron grip on the poor man’s arm. “W-wait up! you’re hurting meeee” The pre entity Herman said, trying to catch up to the other him, one that was touched by the entity. He couldn’t help but still feel afraid, yes, he saved him but… he looked like a monster, the way all that gold covered his face didn’t make him look fancy or elegant, it made him terrifying, was he really going to become like him? Abruptly, the king stopped, making the other bump his head and nose against his back. Rubbing his nose, and slight tears on his eyes, he simply followed the other up a ladder, possibly leading to the surface. The King helped him to his feet, only to realise they were sill at some endless white void, filled with nothing, nothing but the whole leading to those strange sewers and the two Hermans.

“Where are we?” Asked Herman, tidying up his coat and glasses, he came out remarkably clean for being in a sewer. “Don’t worry, follow me, I know a place” the other Herman said as he walked with purpose towards something the other couldn’t seem to see. As they walked, pieces of something started to form, making Herman clean his glasses to make sure he was looking at things right. “Hah, you are really new, aren’t you? You’ve never explored the white void I bet, i mean, that’s why you are reacting like this, correct?” The herman simply swallowed and nodded, feeling nervous.

  “Don’t ask me how any of this works, alright? I don’t know, and honestly? I don’t care.” The pieces came together forming some sort of house, a big one, and rather fancy. The king pulled out from his vest a key, and opened the main door, holding open the door for his more human self. 

  “Welcome” The king simply stated, as he removed his cape and jacket and hanged it on a perch, the other Herman followed, taking off his lab coat. The house was… Nice, really nice, very modern looking, tho a bit too fancy for his likes, it was obvious the king himself adorned this place, filling it with antiques and gold rimmed objects that definitely didn’t need to be. The King guided him to the living room, where with a strong electric shock, the king lit up the chimney, giving everything around it a cozy warm glow. “Come on now, take a seat! I don’t have servants yet but i’m working on it. Meanwhile let me bring you something to drink.” With that, the king left, leaving Herman confused and very lost. Why did the king bring him here? Was this his home? Why was he being so nice to him?? Soon, the king came back, holding a silver tray with two fancy china cups, both steaming with what smelled like coffee. “Don’t get used to this, out of the two, I am the king…. But, you’ve had a rough day, so, i’ll give you a break.” accepting the cup, Herman took a careful sip, only to find out the coffee was absolutely delicious, the king must have notices, because he laughed. “You like it I see! Good, you are a man of taste then, this blend is supposedly brought straight from Mexico! Oh of course, here everything seems to be some sort of… copy, but I can assure you, these taste exactly like the real thing!” Herman simply smiled, and enjoyed the drink as he looked over the flames. Well, as scary as he looked, his other self wasn’t so bad it seemed.

  “Listen Herman,” the king said suddenly, breaking the peaceful silence they had “There is… something, creating us, experimenting on us, using us.” The king looked serious for a moment, looking directly to the other herman, seeing how his glasses reflected the flames in front of them, “That’s why we need to help each other, this thing is obsessed with us, they already have one of us in captivity….” Herman simply listened, surprised by what the king was saying, putting down his finished coffee cup to pay better attention. “We cannot let that happen again, who knows what they want? And judging by those two women i saved you from… It seems they particularly like you. You need to be careful.” A sudden blush came to Herman´s face, fogging up his glasses, those two were rather aggressive on their… interest on himself, and he felt so unbelievably embarrassed by it. Cleaning his throat, he addressed the king trying to appear unfaces “Y-yes I- Uh, I mean, thank you, Herman, I’m glad you were there to help me. I’m still very confused by all of this, but i’m glad to know we can help each other…” With a smile The other Herman waved his hand “Ha, dont worry about it, and hey, i’d rather be called King, that way it will be easier for us to refer to each other, eh? I’m the King, you are Herman. Easy.” 

  “Now then, tomorrow we should see how we shall go on from here, but now? We should rest. Here, follow me.” With that, the King stood up and walked toward the main hall’s stairs, Herman close behind. “Wait! What if they find us here? Don’t misunderstand me, this place is lovely but… It looks so easy to break in to! Shouldn’t we block the doors and windows?” “Oh no, don’t you worry,  my house may not look like a fortress, but trust me, i’ve already got security measures around here, the fanciest, priciest and most useful of all, after all, I don’t waste time with cheap useless things!” The king looked way too proud of himself by saying this, “My home wouldn’t look pretty with guards, cameras and obviously locked doors, wouldn’t it? Trust me, this place is rigged with alarms and other useful measures in case of a break in, if something happens, we will know.” Herman didn’t feel exactly calmer knowing this, but he had no time to argue as they entered one of the many rooms in the house.

  The room was beautiful, a gorgeous king sized bed was in the middle, adorned with pillows and blankets that looked oh so soft and inviting, herman couldn’t help but approach it and rub his face over it, enjoying greatly their silky texture. On the other end of the room, the king opened another door, one that seemed to take you to a walk in closet and a bathroom. He took two items from it, and closed the door. “In here is my closet and bathroom. I made this place only thinking I would live in it with some servants, so, a room dignified of another Herman is not available right now, so, in the meantime, this will be our room. Here, you can wear this.” The king handed Herman a folded piece of fabric, wich, upon unfolding, revealed to be a long silk robe, adorned with an intricate pattern of flowers leaves and swirls. With it, an equally fancy pair tighty whities fell to the floor. A bit escandaliced, Herman yelled “Y-You expect m-mE TO WEAR THESE?” Unimpressed, the king stepped behind his dressing screen, allowing the other to see only his silhouette as hge undressed himself. “What, where you planning on sleeping on those filthy close of yours, right? Besides, we will be sharing a bed, and i don’t want you accidentally brushing against me with those sandpapers” The king stepped out of the screen, wearing a similar robe. Herman was still holding the robe, undies on the floor, red faced from the situation. “Well? What are you waiting for? You may use the screen or change in the bathroom, just hurry up so we can turn off the lights.” Swallowing hard, Herman complied, walking into the bathroom to have more privacy, the screen had allowed him to see a lot more than he hoped, adding to his embarrassment. 

  He usually prefered a tshirt and some long pants for pajamas, and these were simply a bit too revealing to him, another blush came to his face as he undressed and allowed the undies and silk robe to slide in his body. Dang, they felt nice, he couldn’t help but hug himself, enjoying their softness, but a call from the king snapped hi out of it, and as he tightly wrapped the robes around him, he stepped out, and went to the unused side of the bed. “Ah, good, we are the same size I see, i’m glad to know my good looks prevail even when you aren’t as rich as me.” If it was possible, Herman´s blush became even deeper, not used to such comments. The bed was even better than he expected it, the soft sheets, the soft yet firm mattress, and the pillows where so soft and fluffy, he couldn’t help to let out a happy sigh of relief upon laying on them. With a click, the king turned off the lights, and with that Herman took off his glasses, leaving them on the side table. 

  Each one rolled on his side’s, giving eachother their backs, both wanting some space in the bed. It didn’t take long for herman to notice that, even with the bed’s softness and comfiness, it was missing something, he remembered there were blankets when he first saw the bed, where where they now? feeling around with his feet, he had to dive into the covers to realize they were all neatly folded at the very end of the huge bed. The king must have folded them while he was changing… And he didn’t even seem bothered by coldness of the room, so he tried to generate his own body heat, rubbing his feet against the sheets and his hands over his arms as quietly as possible. But of course, the King noticed.

  “Why are you wiggling around so much?!” The room was dark so he couldn’t see him, but he could tell he was annoyed. “S-sorry! It’s just that uhhh, you took all the blankets, and im kinda cold…” he looked where the king was supposed to be, and felt how he turned around to face him, and only his eyes, his red and golden eyes where visible through the darkness, having a glow of their own. They stared at each other for a second before the king interrupted “Oh! hahaha, silly me, i’m so sorry, I totally forgot, you haven’t been touched by the entity… You don’t have mechanical insides that generate heat like me… This might be a problem…” Surprised by that, Herman simply made a questioning sound, “You see, the bed gets unbearably warm when they are over me, so if we pull them over again, i might not be able to sleep from the heat… Hmmm” Both thought for a second, and Herman was the first one to talk. “Oh, well, maybe i should take some blankets and sleep on the couch? You left the chimney lit so-” “What?” the King interrupted, “No, no version of mine will be sleeping on a couch like a commoner… I have a better idea, come here.” Herman seated up, worried, “What? what do you mean come here? besides, it is no trouble i can just-” but the king fed up with him, simply dragged himself over his side, coaxing herman to lay down and get under coves again, after what seemed like a short fight, since herman wasn’t sure what his other self was trying to do, he ended up laying his head on the kings chest, with his arms wrapped around him. “See? Problem solved, I produce enough body heat for the both of us. come on now, you are me and im you, you should not be prude with yourself.” He simply stated, and closed his eyes to sleep again.

  Meanwhile, Herman could not believe this, cuddling with his other self for heat? It was kinda humiliating and kinda inappropriate and kinda… nice. He was so worm, and he could hear the motor of his insides working as his ear was flush against his chest. He wasn’t sure if he could hear more than one motor of if he was hearing his uneven heartbeat too, but he had to admit, it was so soothing and relaxing. And honestly? he hated to admit it but, he felt so safe in the arms of his other, he couldn’t help but sadly smile and hug back. Was this super weird? Yes, and who knows, maybe he was the prude of his selves but right now, he was definitely enjoying himself. With a sigh, both quickly fell asleep, enjoying eachothers company. 

-----   -please---please could you forgive me? :”V -  (( omg i lof this fic AAAHHHH 

[patchdotexe]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

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@unhr:

LIKE I ACTUALLY LOVE THE JAPANESE VERSION DONT GET ME WRONG BUT I ALSO LIKE THE ENGLISH VERSION BUT THE TRANSLATIONS THAT GO WRONG GETS TO ME LIKE NO IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT NRDJDJSJSJ like genesis just wants to be a hero ok ???? and sephiroth was made to be a perfect SOLDIER so he got it  &  it wasn't even his choice and there's two people who actively does things to the best of their abilities but it's always sephiroth who gets the title like it's p pitiful

that sephiroth got what he never wanted and the two never gotten what they've always wanted !!!! and ok ive always seen genesis as a brat maybe bc of his upbringing ??  but yea i see him as a brat who's there to constantly make a mess in FF vii crisis core bc he's trying to stay alive and he's lIKE ADDING UP TO THE THINGS THAT ZAX STRESSES ABT RJFJDJDJ but genesis isn't even nice to begin like yea he has his moments but he's not a Nice Nice idk where ppl get that image

THAT SCENE IN NIBELHEIM MAKES ME LAUGH BC HIS PETTINESS AND BRATTINESS FULL ON APPEARS??  He's like telling sephiroth how he's the perfect monster and then later on says that he needs his help like bitch do u rly think that sephiroth will help u like that???  so when sephiroth said 'u will rot' IM JUST YES BITCH U SHOULDA ASKED NICELY

legit there's so many loopholes in FF vii : cc fjrjjdjdnn but like yea u right abt shinra being the army and zax is actually ignorant abt all of these things bc he wants to be a hero so bad !!  that he follows around every order like a dog so when genesis calls him a lap dog it's actually accurate ?  zax throughout the game is forced into things he doesn't want to deal with in the first place but has to anyway.  and the end results in his own misery and inevitably,

his own death ?  so i hate to see fans shifting the blame to one antagonist to another like yea they have a part in but the main antagonist is actually shinra and how fucked they really are!!  like look how much they drove zax to a wall like they fucking???  sent an army for two fucking fugitives.  two!!!!!  and tseng and cissnei are portrayed to be the good people bc they help out zax but there's always an ulterior motive there that either zax turns a blind eye to or

is just too ignorant to see. bc he wants to be a hero in his own way and achieving that thru any means made him somewhat blind??  to what's really happening around him .  So it was late by the time he found out and he fucking died without being a fucking hero like i cried a lot a while ago bc of this --- he's such a light hearted boy and he's always stereotyped into it but can't u see how much pain he's not showing and he's carrying it all on his own???

thanks for coming into my Ted talk !  fnfdjdjDNDJSJSJ

YEAH SAME LIKE I DO REALLY LIKE THE ENG VERSION AND IT’S THE VERSION I PLAYED AND STUFF SO I DO HAVE AN ATTACHMENT TO IT BUT I ALSO MOSTLY BASE MY PORTRAYAL OFF OF THE JAPANESE VERSION?? it annoys me a lot that the eng version presented genesis as wanting to be better than sephiroth (the world needs a new hero) instead of a guy who just desperately wanted to be his honest peer (i too would like to become a hero in the japanese version iirc). LIKE GENESIS IS DEFINITELY SUPER MISGUIDED but i don’t like the fact that the translation really played down his obvious inferiority complex. they painted genesis as someone with a superiority complex instead which is........a really odd choice imo ASDFGHGF

BUT YEAH OMG LIKE GENESIS IS BASICALLY LIKE....he’s that kid who’s been smart and praised and shit all his life but doesn’t know how to cope when he’s in a larger environment and he’s not the best anymore ASDFGHGFDSA LIKE I GUESS THO ?? HE WASN’T VERY SOCIABLE GROWING UP AND HE KEPT TO HIMSELF AND WAS ALSO ADOPTED AND SHIT SO being this smart kid who idk got prizes for inventing apple juice was smth he clung to and, altho he already admired sephiroth beforehand, being faced w/the fact he wasn’t ever going to be as good and, by sole virtue of not being sephiroth, wasn’t ever going to be praised for his efforts in the own way. like i imagine SOLDIER first class all did a lot in the war but sephiroth was the one who got all the press for it. i don’t think that’d bother angeal bc he doesn’t seem to care about that sort of thing but genesis seems like?? he really wanted validation so that would have really been....Yikes ASDFGFDSDFA

that doesn’t excuse how he reacts in the end at all but i think that definitely plays a lot into it esp bc like??? again, shinra aren’t good people. they exploit SOLDIER immensely and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if that environment would have fucked genesis up a little, esp since he was only a ??? teenager when he joined shinra. which IS ALSO INTERESTING BC ?? IT ACTUALLY PRESENTS A LOT OF PARALLELS WITH ZAX THAT PEOPLE DON’T REALLY GO INTO ASDFGHGFD MAYBE THAT WASN’T INTENTIONAL BUT i think it’s really interesting that they’re characters who start out with similar motives but end up going in totally different directions ?? ASDFGFDS I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHT AND ANALYSIS IN MIND ABT GENESIS I HONESTLY FORGOT HOW MUCH I’D OVERTHOUGHT HIS CHARACTER LMAO

i think tho like ?? the unwilling soldier getting screwed over is really a reoccurring theme in final fantasy and one I ACTUALLY FIND REALLY INTERESTING ??? hence me making kael bc i kinda wanted to do what crisis core essentially did with humanising SOLDIER but with the galbadian army instead just bc like...there’s a lot to explore there. i think the fact that FF always has this kind of take of like,,,the enemies you spend so much of the game killing aren’t necessarily even BAD people, they’re just people being exploited or indoctrinated by the real villains. even the Big Bads of most FF games were characters who were fucked over by whatever imperialistic entity happens to appear in that game at some point?? sephiroth is definitely a good example of that.

AND YEAH LIKE THE FACT THE GAME IS through zax’ eyes like that and all these characters who should be enemies are treated as friends just makes his death EVEN MORE tragic than it was in the original game? bc you get to experience zax learning to TRUST these people and put his faith in this system that is ultimately evil and corrupt, only for THEM to be the ones that kill him. it’s such a nasty betrayal. he goes through the whole game doing only what he thinks is right, right until his very last moment, and all he gets for it in the end is a firing squad shooting him down. IT’S SO SAD, HONESTLY ASDFGHGFD LIKE IT’S SAD ON ITS OWN JUST BC IT’S A DEATH SCENE BUT THE WIDER PICTURE IS WHAT MAKES IT ESPECIALLY TRAGIC ?? it’s that kind of...knowing he never really had a chance to begin with. shinra wanted zax to live and die for SOLDIER and, when he decides he wants to live his own life instead, they kill him anyway ):

AND YEAH I DON’T GET WHY PEOPLE WASH OVER ZAX’ STRUGGLES SO MUCH LIKE?? he’s gone through SO much over the course of the game. he’s experienced war, experienced people close to him dying, experienced everything he believed in turning out to be false ?? so on and so forth?? like everyone seems to accept that the events of nibelheim and the following experimentation shit traumatised cloud but people don’t seem to focus on the fact that zax went through that too. hojo experimented on him too. just because he came out conscious, unlike cloud, and was optimistic enough to keep going doesn’t mean it didn’t have a really nasty effect on him. we just don’t get to see any of that because he’s killed and the game ends before anybody gets a chance to dwell on it.