#and this blog already documents all my crushes on ppl I don't find attractive or funny so it fits nicely

[charlesemersonwinchesteriii]

fucked up dream last night lads 

(long post that reads exactly like someone describing a dream to you; click readmore at your own discretion) 

ok so 86% of my dreams are utterly incomprehensible but the ones that are can be very useful in rare instances where I can use them to discover how I would actually act in hypothetical situations because they’re very real to me in the moment despite everything being fuzzy and confusing and I rarely do things in them that don’t make sense to me afterwards. i’m very present in my own subconscious lmfao

long story short I was sitting at a bar (like a real grown up alcohol bar) with the vague notion that I was hungry cause my family was having dinner at a restaurant full of food I couldn’t stand to eat (typical scenario irl) but I ended up at this bar full of alcohol which I can’t consume either so ugh but then the guy behind the bar comes and offers me a bowl of vanilla ice cream! and I was sitting there like ???!!! cause I hadn’t said a single thing. 

I get down about it quick tho bc I think about how much it’s going to cost and I imagine it’s a lot (it’s a tiny ass bowl of ice cream but I’m always afraid of spending money. score one for realism as I said up there) but when I ask the guy says sth like “it’s free but it’d be great if you’d go out with me this weekend as a tip” and I burst into hysterical laughter because the concept of being asked out on a date is so foreign to me

like I legitimately didn’t realize how absurd and foreign it really was to me til tonight. like it’s unfathomable.

but then I’m suddenly remembering that this place is some faraway city that my family is on vacation in and we are leaving soon so I explain this and the guy frowns and leaves 

smash cut to me frantically trying to find him in a crowd of ppl in this bar scene because I don’t know anything about him and he looked different every time I looked at him but he ASKED ME OUT ON A DATE, you know, like in movies? like in tv shows? it’s like I was told I won a new car and I told them I can’t drive. who cares that I can’t drive. you have to take a free new car. you have to. 

and suddenly he’s found me again in the middle of the crowd (he’s changed from having black hair and a beard to being a clean shaven blond and gone through several steps in between; I’ve never once looked him in the eyes) and he’s saying, like in the worst script for anything you’ve ever read, “I love you” over and over again, and then very distinctly, “I don’t know why but I do” which in retrospect is making me want to cry. my subconscious straight up said yeah, no, there’s absolutely no reason for anyone to ever have feelings for you.

like we know, but hey. 

and I’m standing there completely overwhelmed by this trying to stutter out stuff like “it’s ok it’s ok I’ll come back I’ll come back” and I remember thinking clearly that this is when in the movies you’re supposed to just stay with them and not get on the plane but I was scared of this bar and this city and I didn’t want to be left alone there with him 

so I convinced him to write down his like, contact info on a napkin, and in the funniest part of this or any dream I’ve ever had, I see he has a livejournal account and am like, oh he can’t be that bad then, he’s on livejournal!

not even tumblr. my subconscious said livejournal is where it’s fucking AT 

so anyways I have to leave at that point and he frowns again and I think hysterically of how I can repay this person for the debt of being taken a romantic interest in and I knew kissing had to be involved so I look at his mouth

and have the distinct gutwrenching thought that I don’t WANT my first kiss to be with a boy, which is true on a gut level but my subconscious didn’t have to make me face up to it like that bc what even does that mean re: who I am as a person

so I kiss him on the hand and cheek and forehead and then smash cut to me walking back to my family and even tho it was only kissing my three layers of shirts I always wear are all messed up and unbuttoned and such for no apparent reason 

and then I woke up and remembered it all and how fucked up several parts of it were and how insanely absurdly thrilled I was the whole time that someone liked me romantically 

and how comparatively awful I felt now that I was awake and the illusion was over

and also how much I was scared and how desperate I was to do anything I had to for some stranger just because they said I love you and how much I, apparently, when it came down to it, really didn’t want to kiss a man. what if it was a lady? or just Not A Man? doubt I’ll get a chance to perform an equal opportunity experiment on that one so I guess we’ll never know. 

was gonna make a joke about my funny comphet dream or sth but I’m just sad and confused now. not worried abt being bi or not bc I might as well be anyways, clearly. where’s that profile of Newt from pacrim and it says Sexuality: Anyone who will take him. like yeah me too. I would have done whatever that guy said and I didn’t even like him. 

also in retrospect the ice cream he gave me was half melted already. use your electroshock therapy and/or tarot cards on THAT symbolism.