#and they’re stealing things! it is quite literally robots in disguise

[thegrinningghost]

random-ass idea, but I saw art of Soundwave in a trench coat and with a hat, so now I gotta ask:

Transformers x Carmen Sandiego?

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

time to subject you all to Random Nova AU Facts bc I’ve been sitting on this au for literally over a decade it went from me making my own OP ass sonic OC at like eight but thinking it’d be funny if she was actually someone else’s OP ass sonic OC to whatever the fuck mess of mental health issues and dysphoria it is now. sorry.

(but if you don’t know despite me rambling for weeks- the nova AU is an AU where metal sonic takes on a organic disguise (the aformentioned nova) to try and infiltrate team sonic and steal all their data instead of doing sonic heroes. she instead ends up transing her gender and ending up in the most mutually enthusiastically toxic qpr with sonic known to man. “nova” and “metal” r interchangeable except for when specifically referring to each form they use both of them. they also use all pronouns and r transfem.)

while nova's overall appearance and design were done entirely by metal, to make it as close to realistic as possible she did actually base it off of someone- namely, a random hedgehog girl she kidnapped to reference her life data. she's fine, physically at least, metal let her go after studying her bc she had provided a use but mostly bc he couldn’t be bothered when he has an oc to design, but she’s understandably very traumatised from the experience.

nova considers every piece of machinery created by her father to be her siblings. that’s not me misspeaking, she considers stuff like mechs and literal computers to be her siblings as much as other badniks. as such, they don’t quite get the concept of family people have at first- they see family as simply things her father created, not anything deeper. it does like the concept after learning about it, though (primarily from shadow, bc they’re distant removed cousins)

nova doesn’t have a sense of touch, but he does have systems to alert him to when his body is taking damage, and it’s lead to him having developed some pretty bad self harm habits bc he finds those alerts grounding. it also leads to xem being aggressive towards people xe likes at first, because xe genuinely doesn’t understand the concept of pain and assumes everyone else finds damage a positive grounding thing.

nova's appearance does actually change over time, though that’s an intentional choice from her and not actually her growing. her initial form was designed to be as neotenous and cute as possible, but after people learned who she was she stopped caring about it as much and changed it to suit what she preferred. he's still small and young looking, but has a more defined, feminine looking form, along with gaining some weight. this also includes their clothes, bc those are just another part of their body they’ve shapeshifted, but they normally stick to the same elegant gothic lolita style.

while nova does have genuine friendships, they’re still based on her worldview as a sadistic murder robot. he seeks domination and superiority over people, but bc of his absolute ineptitude in social situations that normally manifests in him being incredibly helpful and nice to “win” at social interactions. they look down on organic life forms, but that primarily also manifests as mom friend behaviour- they’re more likely to be seen as smothering and condescending than downright egotistical. they’re a good liar when it comes to schemes, but they don’t even consider it in normal conversation and are pretty honest and upfront about themselves unless given a reason not to. and while they do kinda inherently see most people as curiosities and pets at best, it’s incredibly easy to be seen in that light by basic kindness and decency towards them and they’re extremely protective over “their” organics, and instead of being controlling they'll generally default into being almost completely (and honestly concerningly) obedient, bc that’s how they’ve learnt to show love and appreciation. obviously all of that would be concerning for a normal person, but metal thinks in a fundamentally different way and is genuinely trying bc she’s grateful for being treated with basic compassion and personhood, so there are people who accept and befriend her in spite of her odd worldview (most notably, amy, who's extremely close to her)

nova generally has no knowledge on stuff he wasn’t already interested in (mostly creative ways of horrific violence, along with programming and the mechanics of time) so he's actually very reliant on his friends for, like, any normal life interaction. she Can just look it up, but she also really struggles to understand things that aren’t objective facts bc she has not had anything resembling a normal life before. she's essentially a severely neglected and emotionally stunted teenager in those regards, and completely relies upon and trusts her friends to help guide her. it found it embarrassing at first, but it also finds listening and obeying natural and normal so it got used to it.

nova and sonic's relationship is entirely based around them having a 4d chess match fight for superiority 24/7 in every interaction. they both 100% know this and are enthusiastic about it. the amount of physical and mental violence would be severely abusive in like literally any other circumstances but they’re both so down for all of it it’s somehow a functioning, loving qpr. outside of their close friends who know nova is metal people genuinely assume they’re outright boyfriend and girlfriend and extremely close ones at that, but while the two of them are absolutely comfortable and fine acting romantic as part of their games they are entirely doing it for the power play. they’ve mutually agreed on fighting to the death once they’ve both reached their peak and they’re stoked for it. they're neurodivergent bored teenagers with an adrenaline addiction they’re Trying.

while nova obviously Can’t have any mental disorder we're familiar with bc she doesn’t think like a person does her behaviour is based on my own experiences with ocd and autism. yes i made a robot girl autistic coded you will not stop me.

while initially he does want to take over the world and become a robot overlord like in heroes, nova eventually realises that he genuinely Prefers just hanging out with his friends and instead wants to find a way to “improve” them (which in his mind means working on what’s essentially a roboticiser to “free” them from being organic and keep them alive forever) and to have a family. she semi forcefully adopts classic sonic in generations after learning he’s Not a fake sonic and in need of slow painful agonising death as punishment. she's teaching him how to murder things and manipulate people she is very bad at parenting bc she’s sixteen and literally does not know what a family is.

[floatingcatacombs]

Top 10 Sexiest Mechas

12 Days of Aniblogging, Day 4

Mecha is one of the most intimidating genres for anime newcomers. The plots seem overly complex, the episode counts too long, and the giant robot war settings difficult to relate to. I think that all of these are valid concerns, but that mecha often gets a bad rap when most people don’t even want to try it. What both newcomers scared of the genre and hardcore mecha fans often fail to recognize, though, is that on top of the messages of the series, mechas always represent bodies. They are giant robotic representations of their pilots, the visions of their creators, collective psyches, and/or the work’s central themes. The degree of anthropomorphism, the level of abstraction with which the pilot controls the mecha, the colors and shape and size…all of these bodily elements directly tie back to the mecha’s role in the story. Of course, if mechas are bodies, then they are also vulnerable to sexualization. So let’s take all of that into consideration and chart the top 10 sexiest mechs! I’ll be keeping it capped at one entry per series, and will talk about all media, not just anime and manga.

 10. EQUUS from Concrete Revolutio

Starting off the list we’ve got a pretty weird pick, but I wanted to make sure that I shouted out this show. Concrete Revolutio is a kaiju and superhero-deconstructing delight, but when it comes to mechas it really plays things by ear and aims for the coolest setpieces possible. The protagonist’s mecha is essentially a Transformer that unfolds from a car into a centaur mecha. While the car body middle leaves a little to be desired, overall the design is a very good synthesis of Car and Horse. It’s certainly a better implementation of the centaur mecha design than say, Overwatch’s Orsia, who has a very visually muddled walking pattern because her legs are far too tiny and packed closely to each other. I’m especially a fan of the wheel joints on the knees and hooves on EQUUS, as well as the unicorn horn. Much as a centaur is an identity crisis between man and beast, Jiro is constantly in self-conflict over whether he can be a heroic protector of all superhumans or if he’s just a monster in disguise.

 9. Metal Gear Zeke from Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker

Metal Gear Solid is one of the most iconic mecha series out there, so picking one specific Metal Gear over all the others proved challenging. The classic boxy REX, the smooth aquatic RAY, the upright Sahelanthropus, the arachnid EXCELSUS…there’s lots of good ones to pick from! It was a tough battle, but ultimately I had to go with ZEKE, the first named Metal Gear chronologically. Designwise, the railgun and Z-shaped legs are a nice touch, but it’s the story arc around ZEKE that interests me the most. A lesbian-sourced war crime machine, ZEKE was created by MSF, the nationless nation of soldiers run by Big Boss. It ended up being hijacked by terrorists from within and nearly caused a globally eradicating nuclear exchange, which is as good of a metaphor as they get for why deterrence is a fucked ideology. Accidents happen, stockpiles become more and more sunk costs, and sometimes anime girl triple agents infiltrate your military base and steal your cool robot.

8. Char’s Zaku II from Mobile Suit Gundam

Confession time: I haven’t actually seen any Gundam. I’m more of a Macross gal myself. But I felt like not having any Gundam on this list would be like ignoring Star Wars on a space opera list. Anyways, Char seems like one of the most awful bastard characters of any series ever, so I’m happy to use a spot on this listicle for his mecha. The Zaku II is infamous for being “three times as fast” as its generic counterparts despite its only difference being its red paint, but c’mon – that’s Char’s absolute moral purity buffing his ship. You deserve that stat buff if you’ve Never Betrayed Anyone In Your Entire Life, Ever.

7. Deus Ex Machina from Promare

--Promare spoilers ahead--

Promare ends, as all Trigger works should, with a whole lot of Act 3 Bullshit. Plot twist after plot twist until all of the themes dangled at in the first half no longer matter, with nonstop fighting getting more ridiculous by the second. At our protagonist’s darkest moment, their problems get handwaved away and they are handed a deus ex machina of a mecha literally known as….Deus Ex Machina. A fusion of Lio’s jet black triangle armor and Galo’s knightly firefighter mecha, the design of this mecha represents their connection and understanding of each other. Yes, of course they’re gay. Why else would it be glistening in rainbow colors?

6. Terminus typeR909 from Eureka Seven

Another mecha anime I’ve hardly seen.. but one that I definitely want to get around to! Eureka Seven just seems like a genuinely delightful time, and I’m a sucker for romance-based mecha shows as well. Anyways, the piloted mechas in Eureka Seven are named after Roland drum machines, with the typeR909 is named after the classic TR-909. They’re nicely proportioned and there’s something sweet about the cutesy magenta robot of the fleet being piloted by a 30-year old man. I guess I’m just a sucker for the gentle undoing of gendered associations and music gear.

5. Eva Unit-01 from Nylon Genesect Evangelical

All of the Eva units are quite tall and bestial and wonderful, but it’s Eva-01 in particular that really stands out due to its conspicuous tendency to disobey its pilot and go berserk, fully unhinging its jaw. NGE takes the “mechs as bodies” thing pretty damn seriously, but throws in the delightful wrench of “what if it’s not your body that’s being represented?”

4. VF-1 Valkyrie from Macross

Macross was the first popular mecha series to utilize transforming robots. What makes Valkyries so sexy is that they’re not just limited to Spaceship and Gundam forms – they have an intermediary form. In GERWALK mode, the cockpit remains exposed having not folded into the mecha headpiece yet, and the wings are still popped out. However, the Valkyire has sprouted its arms and legs already, making it capable of landing, walking on the ground, and wielding a gun pod as a rifle.  It’s kind of adorable! Stuffed to the brim with weapons and tech, Valkyries are the perfect blend of stylized and realistic robots. The Itano Circus will live on forever in our hearts as the go-to tactic when you have plenty of talent on your animation team and your mechas are armed with way too many missiles.

3. Jehuty from Zone of the Enders

While the VF-1 mecha is sexy because of its utility and folding form, the Orbital Frames of Zone of the Enders are sexy because…they’re designed with a sexual angle. They’re famous for their literal cock pits, but combined with their broad shoulders, slim hourglass waists, and pronounced thighs, they exude a strong androgynous energy. Jehuty is one of the most recognizable frames simply by virtue of being the playable mecha, but definitely one of the hornier ones too. Case in point: at the end of Zone of the Enders 2, it receives an upgrade after absorbing its sister frame to become Naked Jehuty, a stripped-down but ridiculously powerful mecha with gold sections emulating bare skin. Yoji Shinkawa’s brain is simply too big.

 2. Bohrok Pahrak

Look, I can’t just not include any Bionicle on this list. They’re some of the most formative lil’ robots to me. But which one is the sexiest? That’s not really something I’ve had to consider before. While some of the titan sets such as Roodaka and Axonn have a certain sexual angle to them, it feels contrived, carrying the same kind of creepiness as horny OC designs. The Great Spirit Robot might be the super robot of the series, but its design is rather barebones and reminds me too much of The Iron Giant. So I ultimately settled on the Bohrok, the hivemind villains from 2002’s story. While most Bionicle are a combination of biological and robotic, the Bohrok are strictly mechanical – and piloted by the masklike Krana, making them mechas! You really shouldn’t fuck the Bohrok, but there’s just something so perfect about their design. They’ve got it all – not only transformability and an orb design, but transformability into an orb design. Their hunched-over stature reminds me of GERWALK Valkyries – it’s cute and functional! As for why Pahrak in particular, well, the shields it wields are vibrators. Just ignore the fact that they’re powerful enough to seismically level mountains, and you’ll be set.

1. The Entirety of Heaven Will Be Mine

You can tell that Aevee Bee and Mia Schwartz did their homework for Heaven Will Be Mine. They understand better than anyone else that a mecha is a representation of the pilot’s psyche and body, and that damage to the mecha is indistinguishable from that to the pilot. This is reinforced by the mechas being referred to as Ship-Selves – they are literally an extension of oneself more than anything else. By looking at a ship-self, you can almost immediately infer what kind of person the pilot is, what her position in bed is, and what her fetishes are. The layer of abstraction between pilot and mecha ranges from wafer-thin to nonexistent depending on the character. The side effect of this is that since HWBM is about a bunch of gay girls in space having sloppy ideologically charged hookups, the mechas have to be designed just as sexually as everything else. And by god did they deliver on that front. Some of the ship-selves, such as Mare Crisium and String of Pearls, take clear direct inspiration from Zone of the Enders frames. The Krun Macula takes some inspiration from Char’s Zaku II in terms of color and shape, but its face chimes give it a uniquely divine and powerful feeling with no mecha parallel. This perfectly mirrors Pluto’s powerlevel advantage over all of the other pilots, and her humanoid-but-not-quite ship-self perfectly represents her faction’s goals. On the other hand, the assimilationist Memorial Foundation believes in ending the space program and grounding all ship-selves to prevent the splintering of humanity. Their mission manifests literally in that each member of the faction wears some form of bondage gear to represent their shackles to the Earth, and even their Ship-Self has a spreader bar. Heaven Will Be Mine is ridiculously horny, and it has the vision, design, storytelling, music, and everything else to back it up. Truly, the best of all worlds. And if anyone who worked on the game is reading this post.,.thanks.

[all-hail-the-witcher]

are you drunk, high, or sober

so kids

today is,,,,mikeys birthday!! my lil bean boi is growing up awww

anyway though, so, obviously we did not go to high school together cause fuck distance so for this Special Occasion I decided to combine my freshman bio class, my senior English teacher, and a bunch of mikeys 1 am bullshit together to create what I think could be an accurate rendition of how we would have met if we had gone to high school together.

really it’s just a crack fic about evolution and hot cheetos.

_____

ship: platonic (bro) ralbert

genre: straight crack

words: 2529

editing: I was about to say no but I actually did !!

warnings: Race is a raging bromosexual, hot cheetos, danny devito, conspiracy theories, fish are untrustworthy monsters, yaks, lactaid, bros bein bros, albert just wants his pencil back okay

_____

Albert fidgeted in his seat slightly, highly uncomfortable in his priest clothes. Well, okay, they weren’t priest clothes, they were his graduation robes. Except he had bought them a size too big accidentally and they now looked like priest clothes. Race had made fun of him endlessly, even commenting that they should cosplay as priests sometime. Obviously, Albert had flat out refused, but that didn’t stop Race from sending him the occasional Psalm or slightly incorrect Bible passage.

But enough about Albert’s priest clothes. Let’s get back to the matter at hand: graduation.

It was a daunting day for both of them: a relief that they had finally made it and yet also sad because they wouldn’t get to pelt each other with spitballs during psych anymore. High school was where Albert had met Race, all because of a particularly cursed biology lesson during freshman year. It had never been established if Race had been entirely sober during that first exchange. Albert had always claimed that he was hungover at the least. Whatever the case though, Albert felt a smile stretch slowly across his face as the voice of the valedictorian faded into oblivion and he recalled the events of that day…

•••

“-in fact there was a time when people thought that giraffes were just horses who decided they wanted to eat leaves.”

Albert tuned back into the biology lecture he had effectively been ignoring when the blonde kid next to him with the dead fish hair swatted the pencil he was sketching with out of his hand.

“Dude!” Albert whisper screamed. “Give me that back!”

The kid, who was an asshole for stealing his pencil, instead twirled Albert’s pencil thoughtfully. “Nah, you're missing the best part of the lecture! I’m doing you a service!”

Albert rolled his eyes. “Look, people were dumb. It’s not my fault that some idiot 500 years ago thought that a giraffe was a horse in disguise.”

Asshole glared at him sideways in a manner that Albert could only describe as disappointed.

“What?”

Asshole sighed heavily. “Some people don't appreciate the cryptid animals of the world.”

Now it was Albert’s turn to stare disappointedly.

“Okay so like,” asshole’s eyes lit up and he threw Albert’s pencil with such force it landed two rows away from him before bending forward to stare into Albert’s soul, “you know about fish right?”

Albert’s disappointment was beginning to morph into annoyance. Plus he really just wanted his pencil back. “...yes?”

“Okay so essentially, fish aren’t real.”

“Wrong. I have three.”

“They’re government spies!”

“No they’re not! I bought them myself from petco!” Albert considered for a moment. “And besides, one of them is paralyzed.”

“He’s malfunctioning!” Asshole slapped the table so hard that the people in front of him looked back slightly to see what was going on. “It’s a glitch in the system!”

“What? No. He’s just...dying? I guess?” That was actually kind of sad now that Albert thought about it. Maybe he should just euthanize Rudolph…

“No, dude, I’m telling you. Fish aren’t real!”

“And I’m telling you that you're wrong!”

“Look,” asshole was starting to sound exasperated now. “Have you seen a fish since the government shut down?”

“Yes, I literally just said that I have three at home!” Albert leaned down to grab another pencil out of his bag so he could continue drawing. He was about done with this conversation.

Asshole sighed heavily. “You're a horrible person. A non-believer. When your robot fish report you to the government for hoarding all the lactaid for yourself in your basement then I will say I Told You So.”

“First, they’re not robots. Second, I’m not even lactose intolerant?”

“Well.” Asshole paused to pull a bag of hot cheetos out of his bag. “I am. And I fully intend to hoard all the lactaid myself when I take over the world with my seven yaks so you better have a good security system.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Albert paused looking for a pencil to stare at the asshole next to him.

“My master plan to take over the world with seven yaks,” asshole said as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

“And what does that have to do with fish?”

Asshole considered for a moment before pulling off one of his white converse high tops and pointing to his socks that were covered in- wait were those cryptids?

“You see my toes?” Asshole said, wiggling his foot around for emphasis. It was then that Albert began to question whether or not this kid was entirely sober.

“Yes…?”

“They can fuck them. Honestly. Fuck fish and fuck everything they stand for fuck them.”

“Okay.” Albert gave up searching for a pencil, deciding that talking to a potentially high person was more entertaining than doodling shitty flowers in the margins of his notes. “Do you have any other opinions about animals that I should know about?”

Asshole considered for a moment while crunching loudly on his hot cheetos, effectively getting orange spicy dust all over the table and Albert’s notes.

“So, whales,” he said finally.

“What about them?” Albert almost regretted asking.

“They sLap. But also, they’re BIG,” He turned to face Albert, his eyes wide, “and they don't need to be.”

“I mean, they do eat a lot of fish, they have to store it somewhere.”

“They could just, like, shit it out.”

“That would be a lot of shit.” Albert tore a piece of paper out of his notebook and began to fold it into a paper airplane. “Also I’m pretty sure that they already shit, so that doesn’t solve the problem.”

“But they could shit like, POOF!” He threw a small handful of cheetos in the air for emphasis.

Albert stared in confusion at the pile of orange crap now littering the lab table. “You want…..whales…….to have explosive diarrhea…..so that they can be smaller?”

“Yes,” asshole said confidently, beginning to eat the cheetos off of the table.

“That's...interesting.”

Asshole threw a cheeto into his mouth casually. “You know if you made out with a whale technically it would be brushing your teeth.”

Albert turned his head slowly to face the asshole seated next to him. “I’m sorry. What?”

“You heard me.”

“Doesn’t mean I wanted to,” Albert muttered under his breath.

“Also-”

“Oh no.” Albert put his head in his hands.

“Hey! You asked for my animal opinions!”

“That was before I knew they included making out with whales who have explosive diarrhea!”

Asshole threw a hot cheeto at him.

“Fine, fine,” Albert sighed, brushing hot cheeto dust off of his shirt, “let’s hear it.”

“Well, no offense to anyone who actually likes them but kiwi birds are weird and why did they need a fruit named after them and why are they fuzzy and who gave fruits the right to be fuzzy like what the fuck- WAIT-” he flung out his arm so that is wacked Albert in the chest and stared into oblivion as if he had just seen the ghost of shrek, “WHICH CAME FIRST THE BIRD OR THE FRUIT?”

“I don't know?” Albert said unhelpfully.

“God they’re as cryptic as whales,” asshole groaned, all but slamming his head into the table.

Albert chose to ignore the mess of a person next to him and pretend like he was still taking notes, as the teacher had grown suspicious of what was happening in the back of the room and was beginning to eye them. But, Albert still didn't have a pencil so it didn't really work.

“What does a kiwi bird look like anyway?” He asked once the teacher’s eyes were off them.

“Your worst nightmare.” Asshole turned his face on the table so that he was looking at Albert.

“Alright then.”

Albert decided that if he was going to pass this class he better take out a pencil and at least pretend to take some notes. However, after digging a pencil from the very depths of his bag, he discovered that the asshole was still intently staring at him.

“Aren’t you going to take notes?”

“Notes and my brain don't mix well,” asshole said, eating another hot cheeto. Albert wasn't quite sure how there were that many in the bag considering he had thrown at least half of them on the desk. Maybe he was a wizard. “Ask me more questions about animals.”

“Can’t you tell me your name first?”

“You've sat next to me for two months and you don't know my name?” Asshole clicked his tongue disapprovingly. “Tisk tisk Albie.”

“Oh no, you are not allowed to call me that,” Albert groaned. He hated that nickname more than anything. Well, he potentially hated kale more, but only cause it tasted like unwanted veiny leaves.

“I’ll call you whatever I want until your sorry ass learns my name, Albie.” Asshole smirked. “Now, ask me about animals.”

“Alright, uhhh…” Albert’s eyes wandered across the doodle-filled pages of his notebook until they landed on a drawing of a shittly looking smiley face sheep. “Opinions on sheep?”

“I want a sheep,” Asshole whispered wistfully. “They seem fluffy. And precious. Like clouds.”

“Good to know.” Albert doodled a sheep jumping on a cloud. “What about, uh, crickets?”

“Hmmmm. They’re kinda scary.”

“Are they now?”

“Yeah. One time one got stuck in my brother’s dorm room and he was so scared he sent me a snapchat video of him screaming.” He paused to monch another cheeto. “Yeah. Crickets are scary but rubbing your legs together under a blanket as such is nice so crickets make some points I guess.”

“Rubbing your legs together under a blanket?” Albert asked incredulously.

“Yeah like, when it’s 4am and you can't sleep? Have you never done that before?”

“No…?”

“Oh.” Asshole looked disappointed for a minute. “Well, you're missing out bro.”

“Oh so now I’m your bro?”

“Of course, bro. You’re my bro, bro.”

Albert scribbled down a line about Darwin from the board. “Stop saying the word bro.”

“No bro. I gotta let everyone know we’re bros, bro.”

“No bro.” Albrt sighed loudly. “Fuck, now you got me doing it!”

“Isn’t it great bro?” Asshole used his finger to draw a heart in the cheeto dust that was still sitting on his desk. “Bro, look that's us!”

Albert glanced briefly at the cheeto dust. “Isn’t that kinda gay?” he asked, returning to his notes.

“It’s not gay if you have socks on,” Asshole said quickly. “And I definitely have socks on, so we’re good bro.”

Albert stared long and hard at his seatmate.

“Got somethin’ to say, bro?” Asshole smirked.

“Are you high?” Albert finally asked.

“Nah bro. My body is a temple. I only do-” he paused to wink “-brocaine.”

“Okay, that’s it,” Albert said definatively. “Never talk to me again.”

Asshole shrugged and went back to eating his hot cheetos. Albert went back to taking notes, pausing every few minutes to flick cheeto dust off of his paper.

Eventually, the teacher said something about cheetahs and the asshole next to him sighed deeply.

“I wish I could be a cheetah,” he said wistfully. Then he looked down at his bag of cheetos. “Or a cheeto.” Carefully, he pulled one out and inspected it. “Danny DeCheeto.” he decided, popping the cheeto into his mouth and crunching loudly.

Albert burst out laughing. He just couldn’t help himself. There was something about the way that he has said it so bluntly that made him have to laugh at the terrible pun.

“DASILVA!” The teacher, Jeff, who Albert lovingly referred to using his first name because he was a crappy teacher and didn’t deserve formalities, yelled.

“Oh now you’ve don’t it,” asshole whispered excitedly.

Albert elbowed him in the ribs.

“Stop interrupting my lesson with your absolute idiocy! I’d give you detention if I didn’t run it!” Jeff yelled halfheartedly. Albert didn’t particularly care.

“It wasn’t my fault!” he called back. “This kid’s been talking all through your lesson and it’s really distracting!” He pointed at the asshole next to him. “I was really enjoying your lesson on cheetahs!” he added just to be a kiss up. Albert always made it a point to kiss up to teachers who hated him because it just made them hate him more.

“HIGGINS!” Jeff yelled again, this time at his seatmate.

“I’m not on a sports team so that’s not my naaaameee!” he singsoned back, also just to annoy Jeff.

“RACE!” Jeff yelled instead.

“Yeeees?”

“Stop distracting my students who actually want to learn!” Jeff gestures wildly with his hands. “It’s rude! There are some people in here who want to actually hear about cheetahs, not about whatever you’re doing back there with cheeto dust!”

“Terribly sorry!” Asshole, or, Race, called back in a way that was clearly not sorry at all before Jeff returned to his lesson.

“So,” Albert whispered, “Race, huh? I thought I wasn’t allowed to know your name.”

“Oh be quiet Albie.” Race scowled, licking cheeto dust off of his fingers.

“Hey! I told you not to call me that!”

Race pointed a cheeto dust covered finger at him menacingly. “One more word out of you and I’ll have my yaks come lick your eyeballs.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” Albert gasped in fake horror.

“I would,” Race said just as the bell rang.

Albert watched as he swiftly brushed all of his cheeto dust into the floor, scooped up his bag, and gave him a mock salute. “Guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“If you bring cheetos I’ll have to steal your socks!” Albert called after him.

As he scrambled to put his stuff away, Albert couldn’t help but think that this was the start of a really good, yet definitely weird, friendship.

•••

Albert was pulled out of his memory by the crowd clapping wildly for the valedictorian. Soon after the student council President was announcing that it was time to move their tassels and then everyone was filing out of the rows back out to behind the field.

From somewhere in the crowd, Race materialized, attacking him in a giant hung.

“WE DID IT BRO!” Race yelled, jumping up and down.

“YEAH BRO!” Albert yelled back.

After a few minutes of celebrating, Albert reached into his pants pocket for the bag of hot cheetos he had stashed there, handing them to Race, who immediately started laughing.

“Do you remember the first time we met in Jeff’s class?” Albert asked. “You were being an asshole and got cheeto dust all over my notes.”

“I remember,” Race smirked. “I was literally talking out of my ass to try and get you to laugh.”

“Well, it worked.”

“Oh yeah, he got so mad at you.” He picked up the bag of cheetos, smirking. “You know, the funny thing is, I don’t even like hot cheetos. They’re too spicy and they make my mouth burn.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Albert chortled.

“But, since they’re a gift from you bro, I’ll cherish them forever.” Race made awkward kissy faces at Albert who shook his head in response.

“That’s gay bro,” he said mock seriously.

“It’s alright,” Race reassures him, winking. “I have socks on.”

________

see I told you it was cursed

hbd b r o (o no I don’t have soccs on :o)

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[fly-pow-bye]

See It Firsts for 2/28/2020

Apologies for not making this article yesterday; I was busy that day, and I spent quite a bit of that day completing that ThunderCats Roar review. Yes, that’s right, I’m reviewing ThunderCats Roar until DuckTales comes back, and I just posted a review of the first episode. I’m also going to take a short look at the original ThunderCats as well. I don’t plan on doing more than the first few episodes of that, but if people demand it, I’ll oblige.

Anyway, Cartoon Network continued their trend on releasing new episodes on the internet and On Demand services before they air in the US.

First, the first episodes of Bakugan Battle Planet Season 3:

The Mysterious Boy/A New Power - The Mysterious Boy: After stopping Tiko's rampage, the Awesome Brawlers have become world-famous heroes and Bakugan-mania sweeps the globe. With the Bakugan boom, brawling has been reinvented as a sporting game. In celebration of the Awesome Brawlers efforts, a tournament is being held in their honor. But the battles are quickly cut short when a rogue brawler and his golden Bakugan crash the event./A New Power: A Rogue brawler, Agit and his golden Bakugan have crashed the Awesome Brawlers party. Who is this brawler? How can he control a Golden Bakugan? Only one way to find out - Bakugan Brawl! Dan and Drago go head to head with the outsides to get to the bottom of it. Outmatched by their opponent, Dan and Drago get a little help from a new powerful weapon - Baku-Gear.

Baku-Gear/Bakugan Rock! - Baku-Gear: The Awesome Brawlers are excited over their discovery of Baku-Gear, and want to get some footage of it in action. While they're filming, an underclassman named Trey challenges Dan to battle. Who will emerge victorious in the impromptu battle?/Bakugan Rock!: Baku-gear has shown up twice for Dan and Drago and it's starting to eat away at the other awesome brawlers. It's time they take it into their own hands. When Lia and Wynton go up against the rockin' new brawlers in town, they show Dan and Drago that they are not the only one who can summon this cool new tool!

Brawler Headhunting/Lightning's Entrance Exam - Brawler Headhunting: As acting president of Kazami International, Shun is called upon to entertain another new young CEO Luca Schmidt, who's interested in doing business with the Kazami International. But Shun quickly realizes something is up when Luca tries woo him over to his brawling team - the Glanz Five. /Lightning's Entrance Exam: The Awesome Brawlers may be world famous heroes, but that doesn't mean they get out of going to school. They are still regular kids, doing regular kid things. But teachers may have something to say when Lightening decides he wants to join his buddies in the classroom.

Trouble Busters!/French Fry Wars - Trouble Busters!: Now that the Awesome Brawlers are world famous Bakugan experts, they want to help people solve their Bakugan-related problems. When the world's quietest town is experiencing unexplained noises, the Awseome Brawlers are called in to get to the bottom of it./French Fry Wars: The Awesome Brawlers are arguing over who gets to eat the last french-fry. At first, each member makes a case for why they should to be the one to eat it. But the quarrel quickly escalates into trash talk and revealing secrets about one another. With everyone now upset, things take an unexpected turn.

The Phantom Thief Comes to Call/Phantom Thief Ajit - The Phantom Thief Comes to Call: An archeological discovery is made in Los Volmos. Exploration at the site is cut short, when a master thief and his apprentice attempt to steal the ancient Bakugan artifacts. When the Awesome Brawlers hear the news, they step in to thwart the thieves./Phantom Thief Ajit: An Ancient Bakugon artifact from an archeological discovery is placed in the Los Volmos Museum. The Awesome Brawlers are charged with guarding the artifacts from any further attempts thievery.

Also, new episodes of Power Players.

Joke's On You, Bro! - Axel and the team turn Galileo's camouflaging pranks around on him, convincing the gullible gecko that he's permanently invisible - to disastrous results!

Out of My Head - Axel must help Sarge and Bobbie learn to walk in each other's shoes - literally - after Luka unwittingly switches the toys' heads!

Freeze! - Axel and his team find themselves in a tough position after Ice Crusher makes it too cold for them to fight back at full speed.

King Axel - After a screening of the King Arthur tale, Axel holds out his sword and declares himself king, but when Dynamo uses his magnetism to steal the weapon and bestow it upon Masko, it casts doubt among the team over who is the true leader.

The Trojan Bear - When Axel opens a subscription gift-box he didn't even order, the team finds their ranks divided by a robotic bear - or Princess SugarSalt in disguise!

Thirst for Power - Axel and his toys deploy the Joyride in a "ship" to "ship" battle against Dr. Nautilus, who has punctured a water main to flood the sewers and established himself as "Admiral Nautilus."

Party On - As Zoe preps Cleo LeBall's birthday party, Axel and the team run damage control against a jealous crasher - Princess SugarSalt, who has turned the decorations and gifts into instruments of chaos!

Bringing Up Baby - Zoe leaves Axel in charge of the school project - watching over an infant simulator doll - but when MadCap brings the doll to life, Axel and the team must stop the baby without damaging it or risk getting a failing grade!

If one has a cable or satellite subscription, they can check them out. Stay tuned.

[afterspark-podcast]

G1 Episode 2: Transcript

Episode Show Notes

[This can also be found on AO3!]

Stinger:

S: What’s your favorite thing out of Rescue Bots so far?

O: Is-is this not feline sleepwear for cat’s pajamas or something?

[Intro music plays]

O: Hello and welcome to the Afterspark podcast, an episode by episode recap of the Generation 1 Transformers cartoon.  I’m Owls!

S: And I’m Specs!

O: Today we’re going to be talking about episode number 2, More than Meets the Eye Part 2.  Let’s talk about giant robots today, shall we?

S: Yeah, yeah, let’s do it.

O: Last time on the Transformers, if you remember, because presumably you listened to us talk about how giant advanced robots clearly can’t see a planet coming.

S:  Uhm-hm.

O: The Autobots and Decepticons have crash landed on Earth and re-engaged in their eons long fight of good versus evil~

S: [snickering]

O: And we open--back on the oil rig, where we left last time, and everything is on fire.

S: Yup.  Cue various Autobots and humans stuck among the oil rig wreckage.  [sighs]

O: Which by stuck, I mean giant robots are being somehow stuck by flimsy little pieces of metal compared to them?

S: Somehow--somehow trapped, they are unable to lift this. [sigh] I don’t know.

O: I don’t know either.  Anyway!  So then, everything’s on fire.  I believe I mentioned that.  Uh, and they decide to put fire out by shooting at it.

S: And it works somehow.  I mean, the Autobots would obviously make bank if they could mass produce Wheeljack’s fire suppression system.  Cause he just, like, does one pass, and he’s like [sound effect] of foam. O: Of foam and all the flame goes out.  And this was not a small fire, because oil rig.

S: Yeah, I mean, I guess this is how he prevents his own lab fires from getting out of control?

O: Which would make sense or the Ark should have exploded, long, long, [chuckles] long ago.

S: Or Iacon.

O: Or Iacon, probably Iacon.  So then, we gotta save the squishies.  Uh, and Optimus suddenly forgets how to swim.

S: With the meager, meager weight of two humans.

O: Which are Sparkplug and uh, Spike, right?

S: Yup.

O: And then he’s gotta be rescued by Jazz’s grappling hook, which will show up a couple of times in this epis--in like the next couple of episodes.

S: Um-hm.

O: Um.

S: [snickers]

O: So, then the Autobots bring the two back to the oil rig and proceed to imprint upon the first squishies they see.  Optimus Prime proceeds to give Sparkplug and Spike what I can only describe as the Autobots’ elevator pitch of, “We’re the good guys, we’re fighting the bad guys, we’ve been fighting the bad guys for-freaking-ever.” [laughs]

S: Pretty much. [laughs]  And then the humans are like, “We know more about Earth than you do.”  And that’s basically the excuse used for literally every other human character that shows up in any other series.

O: Unfortunately.

S: Yeah.

O: [laughs]

S: Yeah.

O: There are good human characters, but then there are bad ones.  I’m thinking of the bad ones right now. [laughs]

S: [laughs]

O: So, the Autobots, imprinting upon their squishies, clearly bring them back to their base and we see Spike monologuing to himself while he writes in his diary.

S: Yeah.

O: It then cuts to Soundwave.  As he creeps on--

S: [laughs]

O: A sixteen year old boy.  Who is, I repeat, writing in his diary. [chuckles]

S: Yup. [chuckles]  And while Spike is--Spike while he’s outside an alien base decides to pick up technology--AKA this super fancy boom box, which is Soundwave, admittedly--that he doesn’t recognize and brings it inside. [laughs]

O: Of which, I can only assume that Soundwave, when trying to come up with a plan to get into the Autobot base said to himself, “Oh wait!  I know how to get in here by doing absolutely nothing.” [laughs]

S: And he actually does this multiple times in uh--like he does this in the Marvel comics too.  He uses, like, two workers to get, like--he’s--he’s just waiting in a parking lot, and one of them’s like--

O: [snorts]

S: here’s this really cool 8 track tape player.  I’m going to pick it up, take it past all of these guns, and all of these soldiers with guns, and I’m going to stick it my locker.

B: [laughter]

O: And then the locker explodes later, right? [laughs]

S: Yes, yes it does, and Soundwave unleashes his cassettes and, like--he broadcasts the transmission of him doing all of this stuff in this base, for you know, psychological warfare purposes I guess.

O: [laughing] Okay-

S: But that’s--that’s where that really great, like, contrapposto--

O: OH, got it.

S: --panel of Soundwave came from. [laughs] But yeah, Soundwave.  Soundwave is totally big on very--disguises that don’t take a whole lot of effort.  And apparently this is just one of his main hobbies, or tactics I guess?

O: I mean if it works, I can’t even blame him.

S: I mean we’ve got two examples out of two pieces of media, so I guess it works...

O: Well, I know he does it in the IDW comics too.

B: [laughter]

S: Oh true!

O: I read that!  I  know he does! So, yeah--

S: True.  Oh god, and I think they do about the same thing in the movies, but it’s with Frenzy.

O: Yes...

S: Yeah, that’s how Frenzy--

O: Something like that.

S: That’s how Frenzy gets on the President’s plane or whatever.

O: Oh god--YEAH, yeah that’s right.  I don’t think I realized that was Frenzy, I am going to completely delete that from my brain now.  Moving on!

S: [laughs] At least I’m pretty sure it’s Frenzy?  But yeah, let’s get back on business!  And so Spike wants to know more about the Autobots and Cybertron and so the Autobots decide to show off for their new--their new buddy--their new pet, umm, I guess.

O: And uh, the Autobots are like, “Wow!  Earth is really pretty,” and I swear to god Spike’s just like, “Yeah, yeah, Earth is nice but tell me more about your awesome alien planet.”

S: Pretty much, pretty much, he’s--he’s super impressed with--with Hound’s hologram projector and then--

O: [laughs] I think you mean ‘hoelo-gram’

S: ‘Hoelo-gram’.

O: This will be a theme.

S: Probably, yeah. [laughs] And then Hound takes Spike for the ‘ride of his life’.  [sighs]

O:  Why--why are all the robots in this episode so inappropriate to Spike!?!  I don’t understand.  We’ve got Soundwave, we’ve got Hound--it’ll be Hound again later!

B: [laughter]

S: I don’t think--I don’t think Hound’s intending to be, it’s just the subtext, except that yeah that screenshot from later is definitely one of the classics.  Yeah.  But they go see a lovely sunset on this ride.  I mean it’s truly beautiful.  It’s lovely, and then they get back.

O: So Soundwave, now being in the Autobot base because Spike brought him in--the front freaking door! [laughs]

S: And just left him there without telling anyone.

O: [laughs]  Right!  Not like I’m gonna take this home--I’m going to leave this over here for no fucking reason.  Anyway!  Soundwave transforms back into robot mode and ejects Ravage, who--turns into a panther, and then turns back into a cassette tape and hops into the Autobots’ computer to steal information as a cassette tape.  Which, yes, I know, I know some old computers did this, but dear lord I didn’t grow up during that time period--so at this point in time in the year of our lord, 2018 it’s just fucking ridiculous because I have no context.

S: [snorts] Neither do I, oh my god.  And then, Spike and Hound have come back and Spike catches Soundwave stealing information, and he strikes a pose!

O: ~Draw me like one of your French girls Soundwave~

S: Such contrapposto, I mean he’s like a model.

O: It’s very pretty.  So Soundwave and Ravage now try to make their escape.  The Autobots capture Ravage...

S: Except like, the first two times they kinda can’t?  Or at least two minibots can’t.

O: They catch him eventually though.

S: Yeah after they make people turn on their headlights and their infrared.

O: Yeah.  So then we cut back to the Decepticons, cause Soundwave has clearly returned, as they gather round Soundwave, who’s playing a cassette tape that I presume is not Ravage, because he’s been captured, for their Earth history lesson.

S: And they’re glued to the radio like a 1940’s family listening to the President’s fireside chats.

O: [snorts] Only, you know, they’re all giant robots.

S: And one of them is a warlord.

O: And one of them is the cassette deck! [laughs]

S: [laughs] Yeah-

O: Anyway, so uh, Starscream says something stupid--don’t remember what it was, all I remember is that at some point during the scene Megatron is like, [terrible Megatron impersonation] “Your knowledge is only overshadowed by your stupidity, Starscream!”  Because of course he does.  Um, and after listening to all of--to the like, Earth history lesson from Soundwave, Megatron’s brillant scheme is to steal energy from a power plant.  By making a tidal wave hit a dam.

S: [groans] That’s not how that works!

O: I don’t know how he expects...any of this to work?  I really, truly, do not, because of course the tidal wave is going to destroy the dam and how do you get the energy?  And I don’t know???

S: But I did really like Soundwave’s sort of descriptive hand motion for that, I mean that was….quite nice?

O: Soundwave dispatches Rumble to start a tidal wave.  Of which, by the way, Soundwave just shouldn’t be allowed to come up with operation names because he literally ejects him from his tape deck going, “OPERATION TIDAL WAVE.”  Which just sounds completely freaking ridiculous.

S: Yup-- and Rumble gets to be a dick to dams.

O: [laughs] The Autobots notice something’s going on so they’re gonna go investigate and then we cut back--so then we basically cut from the Decepticons, to the Autobots, back to the dam and the dam begins to fall apart from like, the force of the water.

S: Uh-hm, and one of the humans hits a malfunctioning read out, like that’ll make it work better?

O: Definitely!  Definitely, that’s how you fix everything, you just hit it. [laughs]

S: Percussive maintenance.  It’s a thing.

O: The Decepticons attack.  Uh, Megatron announcing himself only--as only he can.  And by attack I mean, they burst through the wall like the god damned Kool-Aid Man and then Megatron shoots the ceiling...because he can!

S: [laughing] Yup, yup, that’s--that’s Megatron.  And-and the dam is, as this happens the dam is crumbling because somehow Rumble’s attack is, well, whatever the hell he’s doing is apparently working.  I mean maybe he’s just destabilizing the dam concrete?

O: I have no idea, but I swear it was the same shot as, like, the previous one of the dam crumbling.  And it was just like, “We’re gonna show this again.” [laughs]

S: Hey they have to save some money, so...yeah.

O: So then, one of the humans explains to Megatron that the dam is going to LITERALLY explode and Megatron is happy about this because the electricity output is going to be at its peak.

S: And, well, I mean the human that’s talking to Megatron--he either super cares his work, or he just does not give a shit [laughs] about how squishy he is.

O: Because, again, forty foot robot, or thirty foot, or however fucking tall Megatron is--he’s very  tall.  Anyway--I would like you to stop for moment and say--HOW is any of this okay!?! [laughs]

S:  That’s not how dams work!  At all!  Ever.

O: I guess we have to forgive the alien overlord for not understanding shi-Earth shit for a little while? [laughs]

S: Well, yeah, they probably don’t have water on Cybertron, maybe something else?

O: I don’t know.

S: Erm, I don’t know, there’s the sea of rust?  I think there’s a mercury sea?  It’s been a while since I actually looked at any of my, uh, the books--

O: Yeah, I don’t know.

S: -that go into Cybertron.

O: Uh, so [clears throat] the Autobots show up, by flying to the rescue.

S: Question mark, question mark, question mark. [sighs]

O: This will not be consistent, later in the series they make it relatively clear that only the Decepticons are able to fly, so, yeah this is fun.

S: Yeah, yeah.  With the exception of Swoop, Skyfire, and Sideswipe’s jetpack.  [Specs forgot to mention the Aerialbots among a few others here.]

O: [laughs] We’ll get to that!  So Hound goes swimming to try to get Rumble, and then Ironhide and Bumblebee attempt to channel the water [from the dam] by shooting at the ground using Ironhide’s BUTT BEAM.

S: [laughs]

O: I mean trunk gun! [laughs]

S: [laughs]  Aha, butt beam--

O:  [laughs]

S: Butt beam, [laughs] butt beam!  [laughs]

O: This works...somehow, even though the channels cannot possibly be that deep!

S: I mean, it’s a valid--it’s a valid strategy but I don’t understand how it would work cause they’re just like, zzt, zzt, zzt, zzt, zzzt!  It’s sending things off at sort of weird right angles?

O: It just, it just doesn’t look very ‘effective,’ is the word I think I’m looking for.

S: Yes.

O: But anyway, it works.

S:  Somehow.  Special ground penetrating laser.

O: [snorts] His BUTT ground penetrating laser. [laughs]

S: [laughs]  I don’t know, maybe it’s the same damn laser that comes out of his back later?

O: Ugh, body parts are weird. [laughs] The Autobots go to attack the dam, which is where--or the power plant in the dam, whatever.  Where the Decepticons are now and they blast through a wall, door, something, anyway the point of this is--

S: I think it was already open.

O: Oh, okay, well, we see them shooting at what can only be described as Starscream and his mini me. [laughs]

S: [laughs] Yeah, they um, there were lots and lots of animation errors.

O: There’s about to be more! [laughs] So, we then cut to a shot that includes four Reflectors, three Rumbles, and Soundblaster.  Allow me to break this down for why this does not work.

S: [laughs]

O: There are only three Reflectors, they’re-they’re the three little guys that turn into the camera.  Uh, Rumble is in the water, and there’s only one of him.  Soundblaster doesn’t even show up in Generation 1, but he’s basically the upgrade of Soundwave, um, and he’s basically just black.  So they color Soundblaster [Owl’s meant Soundwave here] black for this shot.

S:  Yeah, and I mean making you go back to rewatch this bit to confirm, confirm it, and the Starscream mini me was kind of hilarious, because your reaction.  [laughs]

O: Basically was--what the hell am I looking at?  And how do you fuck up this badly!?! [laughs]

S: They’re surprisingly versatile at fucking up really badly.

O: Oh yeah, Soundblaster’s gonna show up multiple frickin’ times, because apparently we can’t color Soundwave right.  And then--Megatron, er, Optimus Prime comes busting in and I swear to god he tells Megatron the Cybertronian equivalent of, ‘to fuck off’--

S: [laughs]

O: And it’s beautiful. [laughs]

S: Yup.  And then battle breaks out, there’s some elegant gymnastics by Mirage as he battles against, I think Skywarp and Thundercracker?

O: All I know is he’s like flippin’ all over the place [laughs]

S: Yeah, it’s a 10 out of 10 and completely ignores that these weirdos could fly like, five minutes ago. O: [laughs]

S: Because they’re on this catwalk? [laughs]

O: [laughs] And they’re all fine, but they don’t seem to attempt to fly?

S: Yes, cause MIrage gets knocked off, he grabs hold of it [the railing] and does some fancy ass backflips back on and then tosses some other person off, it’s like, yeah...

O: So then, Optimus Prime pursues Megatron, and Megatron Mufasas Optimus Prime, or at least tries to, because, if you’ll remember, like, a shot ago, or two, Optimus Prime was flying.  They were ALL FLYING!  And everyone’s going to forget that for like, three minutes, because they’re idiots. [laughs]

S: Yup, and Optimus gets to channel some awesome John Wayne around this area.

O: He does sound very John Wayne-ish here.

S: So Starscream shows up with a slingshot to a gunfight but instead of targeting anyone he just shoots it at the machinery.

O: And it works kind of.  I-I don't know what's going on here. [laughs]

S: It sets off some sort of chain reaction I think and Megatron is like kind of pissed about it.

O: When is he not pissed at Starscream I think is the better question here.

S: Yeah that's true.  That's true.

O: Anyway!  So we cut to Megatron and Optimus Prime, um, on top of the dam doing a cunning impersonation of the Rock'em sock'em robots.

S: They truly do. They're just Rock'em sock'em roboting it up, man.

O: And bonking each other on top of the head.

S: So much bonk.

O: So much bonk.

S: It's like the only damn sound effect that they paid the Foley artist for and they were like this will work for everything

O: [laughs] We have to use it for everything!  We've only got this one sound effect.  Umm, so, then we get to some quality dialogue between Optimus Prime and Megatron with Optimus being like, “You destroy Everything You Touch, Megatron!” and Megatron giving one of my favorite lines I've ever heard him say which is, [terrible Megatron impersonation] “Everything I touch is food for my hunger, my hunger for power!” and I'm just like what the hell am I listening to!?! [laughs]

S: Yeah, and then Meg--Megs and Op fight with weapons that never really show up again, though they do show up in toys that get sold.

O: Toys, uh, they also show up to some degree in, ah, in some of the games later, like Optimus very frequently is using an axe in the games.

S: Oh, and I think--that they might show up in the movie?

O: They might, I dunno.

S: They might, it's been awhile since I watched that.

O: I try to forget I did!

S: Well, are we talking about the cartoon or the Michael Bay movie or do you want to forget--

O:  Um, all of them?  All of them. [laughs] Anyway, so we cut back to Hound, who's been under water too long apparently?  Spike is getting worried?

[Disclaimer:  Bumblebee was not out at the time of this recording but we both enjoyed it!.]

S: So he decides that he's going to dive down and help like, his friend the 20-foot tall giant robot.

O: Right!  But before that, Hound and Rumble are fighting underwater which basically means Hound ends up with a bunch of rocks on top of him.

S: Somehow.

O: And Megatron finally knocks Optimus Prime off the dam and then he hela-flails the fuck out of there.  By this I mean he's swinging the flail above his head, as he like, flies off off the dam.  So it kind of looks like like he's flying through the power of hela-flailing!

S: [laughs] Oh the hela-flail, the good old hela-flail.

O: We never see it again. [laughs]

S: Yeah, and then Prime can’t swim again, it’s like water’s his greatest enemy and Jazz needs to rescue him again.

O: Because Optimus is failing at the doggy paddle. [laughs]

S: Yeah, [laughs] he just fucking fails [quietly] oh my God.

O: So--Spike finally reaches Hound,  who stuck under rocks, uh, and he moves a rock, underwater in this really, really strong current and I don't know how any of this works--Spike is superhuman!

S: God, I’d almost say he's techno-organic like Sari, [from Transformers Animated] but...

O: [Cackles] Nope, nope--we’re several series off from that!

S: Yeah and I mean, yeah it wouldn't work anyway [snorts] but maybe someone's written fanfiction about it?

O: I mean..would it make some amount of sense?  Yes?

S: Possibly, I mean, Sparkplug’s like the world's most interesting man.

O: [laughs] I built a robot in my youth--totally!  This is my son.  Although, it does kind of beg the question why he would be named Sparkplug and his son would be named Spike, but whatever.  Anyway--so uh, Spike saves Hound.  Umm, Hound proceeds to give Spike a suggestive back massage to say thank you. [laughs]

S: Well after lifting him to the surface because Spike was like--I need air!

O: There were hand motions.

S: There were hand gestures involved.  And yeah this is like the--one of the classic suggestive screenshots this fandom is sort of...maybe not famous for but it’s like one of the--one of the classic ones if you go look for you know, suggestive screenshots.

O: I would like to take a moment to remind you that all of the robots for being inappropriate Spike here. [laughs] Please make them stop.  Spike needs an adult.  A real adult, not a fucking robot.  Anyway, we cut to the Decepticons stealing energy from various locations, uh, Soundwave is Soundblaster again.

S: Um-hm.

O: Oh, there's a whole bunch of Seekers, I have no idea who they are--they're all over the place.  There's one shot that's like, are they stealing from trees?  There doesn't seem to be an energy source here but okay...

S: There's, yeah, there's a lot of inconsistency running around and it's not very clear.

O: It really isn't.

S: We won’t see any of these other Seekers again.

O: No--well, I think they might pop back up in the back of like other shots?

S: Maybe, but it's never explained.

O: It's never explained.  It seemed pretty clear like, how many Decepticons Megatron had with him, then all these other random ones pop up and we’re like where are these coming from?

S: Why are there duplicates?

O: Yeah that too!  Why are there 3 Rumbles?

S: Four rumbles actually if we consider that one of them is under water.

O: [Quietly] True.  [Normal] So uh, Starscream gets the brilliant of--shooting rocks...rather inefficiently uh, making his spouse mad--I mean his boss.

S:  And he’s do--well, he's doing super questionable science cause I mean I don't see him writing anything down.  Which I mean, this is relevant in future episodes where it’s revealed--Starscream was a scientist and explorer.

O: You would think this would mean he'd know how to science but we don't really see him science very very often.  So, while the Decepticons are arguing, uh, Trailbreaker is spying on them--I mean jacking into Megatron's brain waves, again and, uh, Sparkplug and Spike are in tow for some reason?

S: Hound and Trailbreaker are just super good at overhearing things with their little radio dishes.

O: You-You’d think there be like a blocker or that the Decepticons would have a blocker for this and/or the Decepticons would utilize a similar technique but they don't they usually just send in Laserbeak.

S: [laughs] Hey, he's versatile.

O: He is!

S: And-and Mirage is the spy and we don't really see him eavesdropping on the Decepticons but you did make a good point, which is that he turns invisible so…

O: Yeah, well he can turn invisible so maybe we wouldn't *see* him

S: True.

O: Uh, Megatron and Starscream continue to squabble some more.  Uh, at which point Megatron is like, “Assemble the strike force!” or at least I think that was Megatron and we waste a perfect chance for a Decepticon roll call.  Waste!

S: Absolutely wasted.  And then the Decepticons are on the move, attacking Trailbreaker and the Witwickys. Cuz that's what you do when you’re giant alien robots who are also evil.  And then Sunstreaker and Sideswipe arrive to help chase the Decepticon Seekers off basically by, uh, sort of ending up on either side of Trailbreaker and then Sunstreaker’s butt gun comes out. [laughs]

O: [laughs] There's a lot of butt guns in the show what the hell?

S: Trunk gun, trunk gun. [laughs]

O: Trunk gun [laughs]

S: And it's like Sunstreaker’s and Sideswipe’s breakout characterization moment where Sunstreaker’s, “I want to be pretty” stuff comes out and Sideswipe’s just like, “Everything's a joke.”  Turn left, only make left-hand turns are right hand turns or whatever.

O: The Decepticons are now mining rubies and making it energon cubes from them.

S: Somehow, yes.

O: Somehow.  But this gets better because suddenly we cut to Megatron who while talking about these rubies proceeds to shower himself with...the rubies.  Not once--but twice! [laughs]

S: Um-hmm.

O: As I said, rubies are warlord's best friend.

S: And I wrote a haiku. [laughs]

O: Yes!

S: Rubies glitter in A warlord's eye fly they must To please fiendish mind

O: So then we cut back to the Auto...bots.  Everything is wrong with his shot.  Everything.

S: There's so much.  Ratchet’s head isn't colored in and then-then Bumblebees out front but..

O: Also there's another Autobot which we think is Blue Streak--with Bumblebee’s head and by head I mean it's colored yellow and then Ironhide for some inexplicable reason, is topless.  And by topless I mean he's colored the wrong color but it makes them look topless!

S: He's gray, his-his chest is colored gray so he looks like he's just, like, unpainted.

O: [laughs]

S: Which is probably the Cybertronian equivalent to being topless?  Unless having your armor taken off is the Cybertronian equivalent?

O: So, Bumblebee and Sparkplug are basically picked the infiltrate the mine, to blow it up.  Uhh, Sparkplug has worked here to apparently?

S: He’s the world's most interesting man.  I mean we came to that conclusion with--hey, he's done oil rigs, he's worked here, where else has he worked?  Has he been a secret service agent?

O: I wouldn't doubt it [laughs] considering!

S: Yeah, I mean comic Sparkplug just owns an auto shop.  Cartoon Sparkplug is the op--action dude

O: He’s--[an] action hero. [laughs] So basically, while they're trying to sneak in, we see the two Seekers and they’re basically talking about how they want to go home, my poor bois.  Uh, the explosion is set but then Thundercracker and Skywarp block the exit and bully the bee...again!

S: With much Bonk because, yeah.

O: Again, it’s the only sound effect they paid for.

S: Yeah. [laughs]

O: So then Optimus sends in Roller, which is like, his little baby, tiny robot that lives in his trailer.  And he sends Roller in after Bumblebee and uh--

S: Sparkplug.

O: Thank you.  Uh, and then explosions happen.

S: Because of that, uh, that highly technical explosive that they got from Wheeljack, but-

O: Which was set to go off in 60 Seconds?

S: Yes.

O: Which doesn't seem like enough time.

S: Well, you'd think that Bumblebee would be better at infiltrating things, considering that in, like, most of the other generations he's actually considered to be part of the-the infiltration team or something.

O: So shit explodes.  Uh, the Decepticons are buried uh, and this knocks Optimus Prime off a hill which is where the episode ends.  The next episode, uh, we should to, “Illusions Michael!”, Optimus Prime nearly dying, purple spaceship the second, and ROBOTS IN SPACE (kind of).

S: Kinda.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] Yeah and then, yeah.

O: [quietly] Shenanigans will insue.

S: Many shenanigans and also the world's most surprising parachute.

O: [laughs] Yes.  All right Specs--what is our fanfic for the week?

S: Okay well, our two fanfiction recommendations for the week are the, “Grunt’s Guide to Warfare,” by Tirya King.  Which is set in the G1 cartoon continuity, rated T, it's Gen so there aren't any pairings and the characters are the G1 cast.  The summary is, “G1 Some things are universal throughout the galaxy the rules of warfare being some of them. If you wish to be a proper soldier you must learn these very important laws and incorporate them throughout your daily life.” And so, the characters or theme rec for this one was Murphy's Law because so much goes wrong in this episode.

O: Just...so much goes in this episode. [laughs]

S: Yeah...yeah, and then our second recommendation for today is, “Earth studies 101,” by Vaeru.  Which is a G1 alternate universe, rated T, and no pairings so it's Gen. Uh, the main characters are an OC, so Evelyn, and uh, the G1 cast.  So, it’s--in summary, “It’s a Transformers AU, it’s a Sparkbearer side story,” and if you were listening last week I recommended the first part which ss, “Transformers Juxtaposition” [naturally, also by Vaeru] so to continue the summary, “Professor Evelyn Hughes is accustomed to teaching linguistics but when one is friends with a crew of giant Alien robots one must be prepared to teach lessons of a very different sort.  Drabbles and one shots,” and the theme for this one was, “We know Earth better than you!”  That quote.

O: [laughs] Will live in infamy.

S: It will! But so those are our recommendations for today.  I hope you enjoy them I mean review the fics and let the authors know that you liked it.

O: I think we're going to be doing fan art every other episode since we're doing artists instead of stories and it's just less of them overall. [Instead of just doing a few art pieces we’re recommending a singular artist.]

S: And that just about wraps it up for us today.  Remember to check out our Tumblr at Afterspark-Podcast.tumblr.com for any additional information, show notes or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word) and SoundCloud and YouTube at AftersparkPodcast. Till next time!

O: I'm Owls!

S: And I'm Specs.

O: And come back and we'll talk to you more about giant robots.

S: Toodles!

[briangroth27]

Solo: A Star Wars Story Review

Solo, like Rogue One before it, didn’t seem like a story I absolutely needed to know. That said, it’s also like Rogue One in that it’s an entertaining and well-made movie, while being quite fun and deepening several aspects of the Star Wars canon as well. Solo does lose a bit of momentum at the end, but I still think it’s worth a watch! Full Spoilers... Alden Ehrenreich was likable and charming as Han, pulling off the iconic Solo demeanor with a more optimistic twist. He doesn’t play the character exactly like Harrison Ford did, but there’s enough of Ford in the performance and writing to believe this is the same person. I'm glad they didn't make him a suave ladies' man like a lot of fans seem to think he was in the Original Trilogy: Han’s always been an overly confident guy who relies more on luck and improvisation than his actual capabilities, but he’s extremely devoted to the people he loves (and not smooth about his feelings; he’s totally thrown by Leia). I loved the layered performance Ehrenreich gave, where you could tell Han isn’t always quite as good as he needs to be about disguising his insecurities despite boasting about what he can do; if there’s a moment of silence, he starts to break. Han’s arc must’ve been a difficult path to tread here, since A New Hope already covers Han’s transition from selfish scoundrel to hero, so Solo should’ve taken him from some origin point to at least the beginnings of his scoundrel nature. While they got him there plot-wise, sending him and Chewie (Joonas Suotamo) off to do jobs for Jabba, I’m not sure his character changes much at all, because he was already a boastful scoundrel when he was stealing to survive at the beginning of the movie. That’s the only issue I had with Han’s arc in this film: I wouldn't say he changes very much at all, except he's jaded by love and slightly less optimistic by the end. I do wonder if Val’s (Thandie Newton) dedication to getting a heist done—even at the expense of her own life and despite the fact that they don’t succeed in that heist anyway—was meant to show us why Han is so willing to “dump his cargo at the first sign of trouble.” If so, I would’ve liked to see more of a reaction to her death from him, though we do get to see Han see Beckett’s (Woody Harrelson) reaction to her death. Combining this with Qi’ra (Emilia Clarke) leaving Han at the end of the movie, I wonder if he simply figures that no score is worth dying for when not even love lasts.

At first I didn’t mind one way or another about the revelation that “Solo” isn’t Han’s real name, just something given to him as he was enlisting in the Imperial Navy to get off Corellia, but this Mary Sue article changed my mind by pointing out that he continued using the Solo name and was so proud of it that he passed it down to Ben. I really like that choice now! It’s also cool that Han is so much a nobody that he has no last name, giving him a connection to Rey that deepens the instant recognition and familiarity he sees in her in The Force Awakens. He takes to her so quickly not because he secretly knows who her parents are, but because he’s been exactly where she is: a nobody who’s waiting on someone who will never come back. Han having been an Imperial officer who washed out in the face of war and disagreed with the Imperial stance that they were not hostiles also makes him a parallel to Finn, giving some more weight to Han seeing right through him but working with him anyway in TFA. That was a really cool, stealth strengthening of that trio’s bond in Episode VII.

I liked Han’s friendship with Chewie and enjoyed seeing them meet and build their relationship. Chewie doesn’t get much to do here, but I did enjoy the comedic banter between him and Han. If there are sequels to Solo, I hope Chewie gets an arc of his own instead of just being Han’s backup like he’s always been. I’d also love to see his partnership with Han grow and deepen into a true friendship. I could’ve done without Chewie actually ripping a guy’s arms off in this movie, though. In A New Hope, Han’s threat to C-3PO about Chewie doing that always felt like he was screwing with the droid, not that Chewie was actually that violent. There’s nothing in the movies to suggest Chewie would tear people apart either (even strangling Lando in Empire isn’t as brutal as ripping people into pieces). Oh well; this was one of the few moments in the movie that felt like they were compelled to pay off a throwaway line or bit of lore when they really didn’t have to. Another was Han getting his iconic gun, but that one didn’t feel as much like a Moment so I didn’t mind it. Also, I know exactly why they had Han shoot first here, but that sorta doesn't make sense if (officially) the older, more jaded Han doesn't.

Donald Glover was far and away the best and most charismatic part of the movie and he owns every scene he's in. While Ehrenreich’s take on Han was more like what Chris Pine did with Shatner’s Kirk—incorporating small things that captured the essence of the original version while feeling new—Glover used Karl Urban's approach to McCoy: a pitch-perfect recreation of the original without feeling like he was doing an impression. I could see Billy Dee Williams' Lando throughout Glover's at all times and it was great! Lando and Han becoming frenemies was really entertaining to watch I'd like to see where this contentious friendship goes in a potential Solo sequel. Their cat-and-mouse partnership was a lot of fun, and I also liked the context the movie gave to Lando mispronouncing Han’s name in Empire: years later, he’s still ribbing him for mispronouncing Sabacc. I’ve never needed to see how Han won the Millennium Falcon from Lando, but this movie grounded it in their characters—Han was savvy enough to know how Lando was cheating at Sabacc and his first attempt to win it was based on betting a ship he didn’t own—so I was pleasantly surprised. I was also surprised to see Glover get a chance to show off his dramatic chops here as he struggled to carry as much of L3-37’s (Phoebe Waller-Bridge) body back to the Falcon as he could despite the firefight going on around him, and he knocked it out of the park. The two of them established an easy partnership and there were definite feelings there on both their parts, so the change in Lando after her death was palpable (at least until he had his defensive charm up again when Han and Chewie caught up to him at the end of the movie). I do wish that they had addressed Lando’s pansexuality head-on instead of just alluding to him wanting to sleep with L3-37 and calling Han “baby.” The sorta-flirtation between Lando and L3 was a little odd given she’s a robot, but then droids are sentient in this universe (and cultural norms could be entirely different there: Qi’ra’s only question is how the sex would work, not that it’s weird to even consider), so I don't know how I feel about that. In any case, since L3-37’s CPU is still connected to the Falcon by Return of the Jedi, Lando telling the ship to hold together has a lot more meaning now: he can’t lose her twice (not to mention the fact that she was literally falling apart in Solo). I liked L3-37 and her growing rebellious cause. I’d never considered that there needed to be a droid uprising before and this movie certainly paints them in an entirely new light across the saga (or at least anything pre-Episode IV). I always knew they were sentient and not just disposable tools, but now it looks as if they’ve always been slaves in large sections of the galaxy. I wish L3’s droid rebellion had lasted beyond where it does here (or at least that it was mentioned to have a larger impact), but I guess the breakout on Kessel was more of an isolated opening salvo, not the flashpoint of a larger resistance. Either way, the state of droids shown here absolutely colors a lot of their interactions with the main characters across the saga: how many of them wanted to be working in those roles and how many were forced into those positions? R2 and 3PO being sold by Jawas to moisture farmers absolutely has darker connotations now: even though the Skywalkers weren’t hosting droid death matches, they were still buying thinking servants. Perhaps the droids the Rebel Alliance will later use have come to them willingly and are hoping to win their freedom as well, rather than having been stolen from the Empire or brought to the cause by their respective Rebel pilots. It seems like the state of droids in the Star Wars universe is a surprisingly rich topic for exploration! Qi'ra was good for what they gave her, but I'm not sure we saw enough of her relationship with Han to really feel the depth of his devotion to her or the impact of losing it for either of them. It’s clear from their performances they loved each other on Corellia, but I never got the feeling this was an ill-fated eternal love, particularly after the relatively cool reception Han got from her when he met her years later. I definitely liked that he was far more enamored and lovestruck than she was, though; that was a cool reversal of what you’d expect in most romances and followed Han’s character perfectly. Unlike other bits of context Solo adds, however, I think this love story makes Luke giving Leia a Force Projection of Han's dice in The Last Jedi even weirder. Ever since I saw TLJ, I’ve thought it was an odd choice to make the dice such a connective touchstone when we’ve only seen fleeting glimpses of them in the Falcon (if you could pick them out, as they were never even a momentary focus. Now, since they're so closely tied to Han’s relationship with another woman, it’s downright bizarre for Luke to give them to Leia as a memory of her dead husband. Even if they’re meant as a way for Luke to tell Leia “good luck”—since that’s how Han views them—that’s still creepy because the only thing Leia has ever given Luke “for luck” was a kiss before they knew they were siblings. I still think Luke should've given Leia a projection of the medal she gave Han at the end of ANH instead. Han, Luke, Leia and the audience would've been emotionally connected to the revelation that he’d kept it all these years. Oh well, back to Solo.

I wish Qi’ra had been revealed as the true crime lord the whole time. She takes over the role in the end and my guess is Solo 2 will have her and Han as enemies, but it felt like we would’ve gotten a more compelling hero/villain standoff here if she and Han were openly at odds. Qi’ra leaving Han would’ve been more impactful coupled by the revelation that she’d been pulling the strings all along as well, since Han wouldn’t have been able to see that coming. I don’t believe heroes always need a personal connection to the villain to make for compelling drama, but Han’s relationship with Qi’ra developing into enmity would’ve been far more interesting than the threat of Dryden Vos (Paul Bettany) killing them all because of a lost shipment. Not only is that a less resonant argument with Han’s character and outlook, it’s something we’ve seen from countless crime lords in the Star Wars galaxy before. Qi’ra having been shaped by her experiences since Corellia into a woman who uses her head to survive instead of her heart as a guide (like Han does) is definitely a setup brimming with the potential to make her more interesting than “the woman who doesn’t love Han anymore.” However, I would’ve liked to see her more active side at the forefront instead of her past experiences just providing a reason why she’d choose crime over Han. Maybe she could’ve been planning on stealing the fuel shipment they stole from Kessel to start her own crime empire and overthrow Dryden—and using Han’s love for her to do it—all along; something to make her more than a damsel needing Han to save her from servitude to Vos. I did like that she, not Han, got to eliminate Vos in a pretty cool fight, though. I’m also interested to see where her new partnership with Darth Maul (Sam Witwer, Ray Park) goes.

Maul’s cameo was great and I'm very interested to see how he’s reincorporated into the film side of the universe. He had a cool visual and thrilling fights in Episode I, but his appearances on Clone Wars and Rebels have made him one of my favorite Star Wars characters—the fact that he willed himself to stay alive after Obi-Wan cut him in half is fascinating!—and I’m very excited to see where he goes from here. I have no idea when this is supposed to fall on the timeline, though: I would think he’d be in his "Old Master"/obsessive hunter phase from Rebels by now and not trying to build his criminal empire like he was during Clone Wars.

I think the weakest link in Solo is Dryden Vos, unfortunately. He didn’t interest me as a villain at all nor did he come off like a major threat, and that made the last act of the movie (everything after the Kessel Run) feel slow, like the tension and momentum dropped out of the film (though never to a point where the movie or the experience was ruined for me). A galactic scramble for hyperfuel is a fine idea and it’s a good McGuffin for a movie about smugglers, thieves, and pirates, but playing Vos as a run-of-the-mill space gangster fell flat for me. Perhaps there’s a parallel to be found between Vos and Beckett in terms of their training Han and Qi’ra only to be killed by them, but Vos’ implied brutality and threats of death still came off as less than imposing. Speaking of Beckett, I liked the guidance he gave Han in setting him down his smuggler’s path, but I think the movie rushed Han’s reaction to Beckett betraying him. I wish Han had been hurt more by Beckett turning on him, even if he did see it coming (I do like that he was clever enough to outwit Beckett): Han could’ve been hoping he was wrong and that moment could’ve been a bigger gut punch than it was. The revelation that pirate Enfys Nest (Erin Kellyman) isn’t actually a villain at all, but is trying to prevent the hyperfuel from falling into the wrong hands so she can turn it over to the Rebellion isn’t a problem for her earlier attack on Beckett’s crew as they try to rob a train (a very cool sequence), but it does hurt the standoff with Han at the end a little. I imagine on a second watch, that scene will feel significantly less tense. Despite the movie dragging a bit at the end, it has a great balance of big action and chase scenes, humor, heart, and emotional weight! The tone was especially impressively consistent, given the directorial shakeup during filming. I do wish the movie had a more vibrant color palette: it looked too dark at times and pretty washed out for the rest. The scope of the universe was great and it was nice to have a small story that didn't involve a superweapon of some sort, even if a galactic fuel shortage could lead to cataclysmic events and inhumanity we haven’t seen in the other films. As much as this is being sold as a western heist movie, I kinda wish the Kessel theft was slicker or more tied to Star Wars technology like the train robbery was. It quickly devolved from a planned heist to a frantic scramble and it would've been nice to see the former instead (even though the sequence we got was great on its own terms). Perhaps we’ll get to see more polished thieves at work in Solo 2. When this movie was announced, I absolutely did not want to see Han win the Falcon from Lando or do the Kessel Run: both are world-building throwaway lines only necessary for setting up the uneasy friendship between the guys and establishing that the Falcon is famously fast, and neither needed to be more than that. However, since both were done well I don’t mind that we saw them here. The Run was far better than I expected it to be and I loved the inclusion of space monsters; I wish there had been more of them. I liked John Powell’s score a lot and it tied in iconic bits of John Williams’ work perfectly. All the shout-outs to bits of Star Wars extended canon were fun; even that 90s video game Masters of Teras Kasi got a mention!

Despite my misgivings about the momentum of the third act, by no means did this film put me off the idea of solo films (or Solo films). I’d love a young Leia movie and I’d absolutely watch a Lando film. I wouldn’t want it to be a prequel to Solo, though: I don't need to see how he got charming or how he won the Falcon in the first place. Just watching him scam his way across the galaxy (and maybe spreading L3’s message of droid freedom?) would be excellent. I also hope we get a direct sequel to Solo, but if we don't, this didn't feel unfinished or rushed.

Solo’s a fun thrill ride with heart! It features engaging depictions of characters we already know and love, introduces new ones with interesting potential, and adds a lot of context to moments and character relationships in all three Star Wars trilogies. It’s definitely worth seeing!

Check out more reviews, opinions, theories, and original short stories here!