#and they’re giving out 90 trading cards with marvel characters

[weregonnabecoolbeans]

The lack of official bucky barnes merch in this world is appalling and I take it as a personal offence

[redspiderling]

MCU Breakdown: Black Widow, Part 1

I can’t believe this is happening 😭

First of all, congratulations to all of you who’ve been here all these years. We got it. We begged for years, and it’s finally here.

For once I wasn't dreading revisiting this film to write down what I got from it. I felt more like I might not do it justice. This film is so special to me, but here it is, the MCU Breakdown of Black Widow, part 1 (of who knows how many).

I remember back when I started running this blog and talking about a hypothetical Black Widow movie that had never been announced, always "yeah, we would be happy to do it, maybe, someday in the future", and arguing that it would be important for women and girls, no matter its content. I'm so glad we got it like this. So, so glad.

The rest under the cut.

Let's start with some technical details. The film has a lot of setups and callbacks, nothing is done in chance. For example, I love how the light, and the sounds we hear when we first, and last, see Natasha in the film, are the same. We greet her in bright -birds cheeping- morning light, while she's riding her bike home, to her family

and we leave her in bright -birds cheeping- morning light, while she's riding her bike home, to her family (I'm using the term family very liberally here in reference to the Avengers for the sake of the movie, bear with me, you know how I feel about those dudes).

It's signifying new beginnings, each time, not endings. Notice how, what we see is natural light, which makes this scene pop out, and look more real because the light is coming from the sun, and isn’t artificially made on VFX software. You will notice the stark differences in colours and lighting when the emotions and the atmosphere change in this film, because there is a visual language being employed here, the director has a story to say, and she uses all the tools she has to tell it. The light is exactly the same in those 2 scenes, because Cate wants us to make that connection, even if we make it unconsciously.

Natasha is placed in such a positive way, both at the start and the end of the film. There's this discussion about how "real" their little family was, but it was the characters that muddled up that image. The reality of their lives in Ohio is presented in a happy way, that had deep rivers under the surface, for sure. This wasn't accidental, for a lot of reasons.

First of all, if you take it the literal way, they were spies, and had to present themselves as normal. If you take it the allegorical way, any girl could fall victim to trafficking, and if you take it the character way, both Scarlett and Cate wanted to showcase that Natasha is human. They also wanted to give her something that wasn't always dripping with pain and sadness. They were both parts of her life, yes, but there was also joy, and light, and once upon a time she had been a kid, playing with her sister.

Also, and this has been mentioned before but it bears repeating: I love the actress they chose for young Natasha, and I love how they presented her character. She's allowed to be a young teenage girl. She's not sexualised. She's at that gangly stage between childhood and adulthood, and there's nothing sexual about it, no provocative clothing, no excessive makeup. She's a kid.

Plus, I know Cate said the actress already had her hair dyed blue and they just decided to let her have it, but I think it works well for Natasha's character. That small act of defiance, even that early on, against the system that wanted to break her. Also, the film gives us such great character moments, because they let the camera roll and don't rush through scenes, look at Natasha looking at Melina comforting Yelena. We can see the pain, the fear, where she knows that this isn't going to last, and wonders about what will become of them once their lives begin to unravel.

We also get to see the joy on her face, the wonder of discovering the world, how often do you get to see Marvel characters do this, just live in the moment?

Bioluminescence: the production and emission of light by a living organism. Or how Natasha is a bright light, that shines from within. Not my words, Cate Shortland's words. I felt it when I was watching this scene, but it was lovely to have it verified in one of her interviews. I wish I could meet her, and tell her that everything she wanted to put on screen came through, incandescent and crystal clear. Fireflies are a symbol for Natasha, as a bright light that shines from within, and never dies.

Small details that I love, the magnet on the fridge: Don't forget, above a picture of Natasha. LIKE WE EVER COULD, CATE.

We have another setup here, where the family gathers up to have dinner together. Even the sitting arrangement is the same as later on in the film.

Notice also how both young, and adult version of Natasha, communicate so well with Melina, just with their eyes. It doesn't necessary show a deep history between them, but it does show a bone deep level of understanding. Not just of their current circumstance, but of their future, and of what it will do to them. Melina knows what's coming and she's says it "I'm sorry", but they're both resigned to their fate, Melina because she doesn't see a way out, and Natasha because, well, here she's a kid, and therefore is powerless.

The dynamics between Yelena and Alexei is so different. Yelena is young and doesn't understand, so they're speaking about completely different things. "I don't have my shoes" is what she says, and it's heartbreaking in its innocence, as Alexei is loading his gun and reading himself for battle. We can still see that he's not indifferent to her, telling her she can have "fruit loops in the car". He's not a monster, he just doesn't have a choice (or at least, he thinks he doesn't).

Also, notice how the camera angles are employed here: Natasha and Melina look each other eye to eye, Yelena looks up to Alexei, Alexei looks down on her, there is an imbalance of power and understanding in the second set of images, and the camera tells us that.

Melina doesn't let Natasha take the photo album. For one thing, it's certain that Natasha wouldn't be able to keep it. For another, Melina wanted the memories, and probably didn't want anyone else to realise/think that they cared about their little family unit.

There's just a lot of thought that's been put in the details of the script, to show us their bond, their attempts to hide it, to show the characters' personality in everything around them (notice the plants that are ever present in Melina's home, in Ohio and later in Saint Petersburg). She might seem cold, she has been through a lot, but she cares. And that care has brought her pain. And we have to see that pain, because we get the quiet moments like this one, where she stands alone in an empty home knowing that part of her life is over, never to return.

The mission, is the last thing Melina asks about. The last thing Alexei mentions, the last thing either of them cares about. First, she refused to accept that they had completed the mission and were now hunted, then she accepted it and they loaded their family in the car, and then she asked about the leaked files.

Also, notice how that shot is framed. Both images silhouetted by the light because it’s the moment and the prop smack down in the middle of the frame that’s important, now what they’re going through, emotionally, they’re not themselves in that moment, they’re nameless, tools of the trade, expendable in front of that tiny floppy disk.

Yelena is singing while the rest are plunging in despair, but still humour her and play her song.

I found this shot a bit... Jarring. I get it that for American audiences this would show that they're actually leaving "home" behind, but for the rest of us... Eeeh, I'll give it a pass because it is an American production and this is just something to be expected. I mean, Yelena's song was American Pie. We get it, you still love America, just because you're making a film about Russian spies doesn't mean you're a commie Marvel, it's ok.

But in any case, the setup for the action scene here was excellent. Happy, familiar music playing, car is on the main road, car goes off the main road familiar music gets toned down and eventually completely lost in the darkness.

Yelena knows what to do, we see it, so that we know that this 6 year old girl who holds her stuffed animal and walks barefoot has practiced for this moment.

By the way, Natasha did take another item with her along with the photobooth pictures (it also looks like a photo album with Disney princesses on it), it didn't survive the trip. We are informed of this for a very specific reason: Melina didn’t ask Natasha not to take the photo album out of malice, or just because she wanted to keep it for herself. She knew it wouldn’t survive the trip in Natasha’s hands. We also get a close shot of the image strip (and we get it again, during the credits), because it will be important, later on.

Bet y'all also forgot you were watching a superhero movie until this happened? That wasn't accidental, they wanted us to see them as normal people, this is the moment when that ends.

Natasha saved her family, even though she was a terrified kid.

I know that they did the huge titles thing to connect this film to Civil War but... Listen, Civil War needed the huge titles because that script and the way that movie was directed was a complete disaster. We needed to know where the characters were each time with huge ass title because there was NO OTHER WAY TO TELL. Between complete lack of a timeline, and the fact that you couldn't even tell what time of the day it was due to the horrible lighting, you definitely couldn't tell what the location was because it was irrelevant to the plot like, 90% of the time. Not to mention the title cards in Civil War were usually followed by dimly lit grey corridors so, yeah, give us a title so we know at least where they are, generally.

This film. Didn't Need That. For the most part anyway, there are 2 locations where the titles worked. First one was Ohio, the other I'll reveal later.

But here. Guys, they're Russian spies escaping from the US on a small plane... Where else would they go if not to Cuba?!?! This is the Black Widow movie paying for the sins of Civil War, in a small way in this instance.

Yelena tells Melina that pain only makes you stronger, Natasha cries, and they setup my heartbreak for later.

Natasha protecting Yelena, terrified, and staring men down the barrel of her gun anyway. Such a badass and heartbreaking callback.

Notice how this scene makes us look at how men view this. There's an allegory here as well, but I'll address what's actually happening in the film:

Dreykov notices Natasha's natural instinct to protect herself and her sister, and all he sees is something he can use. A tool for violence, instead of sex, in this case. But the implication is there. Not a person, or a terrified girl, just an object to be used by men.

So glad that piece of shit got blown up and never mentioned again. Any man looking for exposition on Dreykov to feel the "loss" when the villain is gone: Fuck you. Go get some therapy.

Moving on from that piece of shit, difference between Melina and Alexei: Melina apologised. Alexei lied, but he also tried to give them hope. We can see the devastation, because the soldiers never thought of them as girls like he did, and didn't blink before drugging them and taking them away.

Yet another setup, of Natasha and Yelena, drugged and powerless as they are taken away. Because it wasn't enough that they were kids, they took away all their choices, and rendered them unconscious.

What can I possibly say about this credits scene.

It's very real, probably the realest minutes in the entire MCU, and it's merciless. They don't try to sugar-coat what's happening, and there are no jokes to diffuse the drama. These are girls being trafficked from all over the world. I don't know about you but I felt the switch from true parallel to real life traffic victims like this shot that looks like footage from Interpol

to Red Room victims as being a clear shift, and I was actually grateful for it. Because here I could put my back against the fact that the red room wasn't real, otherwise I would have broken down before the credit sequence even ended.

It was a stroke of genius to create an introduction to this entire world like that. We rarely see credit sequences anymore and it's a shame, because when they're well done they tell stories in and of themselves, and this is one of the best I've seen.

Even the villain is set up here. He's pointing at girls and saying "that one, and her", like he's picking pigs for slaughter. How much more setup than that do you need, to want to murder that man dead? Not any more, that was enough.

Nobody speak to me I’m crying.

Subtle, but there. Trafficking (and traffickers) exists because it IS being tolerated by governments around the world.

Unnecessary title aside, who else says Natasha looks at herself in the mirror hear and repeats "pain only makes you stronger", as she's being hunted away from yet another family.

Then she's saying it again because it bears repeating and Natasha has been through A Lot these past few years. I love how unfiltered our first image of her is. After all she's been through, we basically see her stripped of all her tricks in a moment where she’s alone with herself and her thoughts(something we later learn she tries not to do much), and she's just a woman having a tiny breakdown in a semi-public bathroom. Again, human.

This is where I will leave you for this first part. Hey, I got through the intro, I count that as a win given just how long this breakdown has already been. If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading, come yell at me in my inbox whenever, see you for the next one xo

[chadnevett]

The Infinity Gauntlet Box-Set

Some brief words on the recent Infinity Gauntlet box-set that Marvel released and I was one of... dozens(?) to buy it. Actually, I just went and looked up the top 100 graphic novels in March, when this came out, the number two dollar rank isn't on the chart, which I'm betting is this given it's cover price making it much easier for it to make a big dollar splash while not making the chart at all.

Before we get going, here are the contents:

INFINITY GAUNTLET PROLOGUE PREMIERE HC 440 PGS. / COLLECTING SILVER SURFER (1987) 34-38, 40, 44-50; THANOS QUEST 1-2

INFINITY GAUNTLET PREMIERE HC (NEW PRINTING) 256 PGS. / COLLECTING INFINITY GAUNTLET (1991) 1-6

INFINITY GAUNTLET CROSSOVERS PREMIERE HC 504 PGS. / COLLECTING CLOAK AND DAGGER (1988) 18, SPIDER-MAN (1990) 17, INCREDIBLE HULK (1968) 383-385, DOCTOR STRANGE, SORCERER SUPREME 34-35, SILVER SURFER (1987) 51-59, QUASAR 26-27, SLEEPWALKER 7; MATERIAL FROM DOCTOR STRANGE, SORCERER SUPREME 31-33

INFINITY GAUNTLET AFTERMATH PREMIERE HC 344 PGS. / COLLECTING SILVER SURFER (1987) 60-66, DOCTOR STRANGE, SORCERER SUPREME 36, WARLOCK AND THE INFINITY WATCH 1-6; MATERIAL FROM SILVER SURFER ANNUAL 5

INFINITY WAR PREMIERE HC 264 PGS. / COLLECTING INFINITY WAR 1-6

INFINITY WAR CROSSOVERS VOL. 1 PREMIERE HC 552 PGS. / COLLECTING FANTASTIC FOUR (1961) 366-368, SPIDER-MAN (1990) 24, DEATHLOK (1991) 16, DAREDEVIL (1964) 310, WARLOCK AND THE INFINITY WATCH 7, DOCTOR STRANGE, SORCERER SUPREME 42-44, SILVER SURFER (1987) 67-69, WONDER MAN (1991) 13, ALPHA FLIGHT (1983) 110, SILVER SABLE & THE WILD PACK 4, GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY (1990) 27, QUASAR 37, NEW WARRIORS (1990) 27, MARC SPECTOR: MOON KNIGHT 41-42; MATERIAL FROM CAPTAIN AMERICA (1968) 408, ALPHA FLIGHT (1983) 109, MARVEL COMICS PRESENTS (1988) 108-111

INFINITY WAR CROSSOVERS VOL. 2 PREMIERE HC 536 PGS. / COLLECTING WARLOCK AND THE INFINITY WATCH 8-10, QUASAR 38-40, ALPHA FLIGHT (1983) 111-112, DOCTOR STRANGE, SORCERER SUPREME 45-47, NOMAD (1992) 7, GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY (1990) 28-29, SILVER SABLE & THE WILD PACK 5, WONDER MAN (1991) 14-15, MARC SPECTOR: MOON KNIGHT 43-44, SLEEPWALKER 18, FANTASTIC FOUR (1961) 369-370; MATERIAL FROM MARVEL COMICS PRESENTS (1988) 112

INFINITY WAR AFTERMATH PREMIERE HC 352 PGS. / COLLECTING WARLOCK AND THE INFINITY WATCH 11-17, SILVER SURFER/WARLOCK: RESURRECTION 1-4, QUASAR 41-43; MATERIAL FROM MARVEL COMICS PRESENTS (1988) 112, MARVEL HOLIDAY SPECIAL 2

INFINITY CRUSADE PREMIERE HC 488 PGS. / COLLECTING INFINITY CRUSADE 1-6, WARLOCK CHRONICLES 1-5, WARLOCK AND THE INFINITY WATCH 18-22

INFINITY CRUSADE CROSSOVERS VOL. 1 PREMIERE HC 344 PGS. / COLLECTING THOR (1966) 463-464, IRON MAN (1968) 294-295, AVENGERS WEST COAST 96-97, DARKHAWK 30, CAGE (1992) 17, ALPHA FLIGHT (1983) 124, MARC SPECTOR: MOON KNIGHT 57; MATERIAL FROM DOCTOR STRANGE, SORCERER SUPREME 54-55, ALPHA FLIGHT (1983) 122-123, WEB OF SPIDER-MAN (1985) 104-105

INFINITY CRUSADE CROSSOVERS VOL. 2 PREMIERE HC 352 PGS. / COLLECTING ALPHA FLIGHT (1983) 125, 127; THOR (1966) 465-467; DARKHAWK 31; SILVER SURFER (1987) 83-85; DEATHLOK (1991) 28; MATERIAL FROM DOCTOR STRANGE, SORCERER SUPREME 56, ALPHA FLIGHT (1983) 126, SILVER SABLE & THE WILD PACK 16-17, WEB OF SPIDER-MAN (1985) 106, DEATHLOK (1991) 29

INFINITY GAUNTLET COMPANION PREMIERE HC 528 PGS. / COLLECTING THANOS ANNUAL 1; WHAT IF? (1989) 49, 104; WHAT THE-?! 20; AVENGERS & THE INFINITY GAUNTLET 1-4; INFINITY GAUNTLET (2015) 1-5; MATERIAL FROM WHAT IF: NEWER FANTASTIC FOUR, WHAT THE-?! 24; BONUS MATERIAL

Oh, and it came with one of those posters made of the same material as flags of the cover of The Infinity Gauntlet #1. I haven't hung it up, because I have no idea where I would.

But, really, as you can see, it is basically everything Jim Starlin did with the cosmic characters from his Silver Surfer run through The Infinity Crusade with pretty much every possible tie-in included, including many that aren't explicit tie-ins (like in the various Aftermath volumes). Looking at the contents of this set, you can tell that talking about the actual quality of the comics would be futile. You're only buying this sort of set if it's already your thing. For me, it was a chance to read all of the tie-ins and comics surrounding the Starlin stuff. From that perspective, let's run down some good and bad things:

* The biggest negative that I have is that the Infinity War tie-ins by Starlin aren't presented in that collection, they're shunted off to the Infinity War Crossovers volumes. This is especially frustrating given how the first voume is so large that the first couple of issues collected are bound to the front cover rather than the spine. Taking the few issues of Warlock & the Infinity Watch along with that Thanos four-parter from Marvel Comics Presents would have slimmed down that volume to not make that necessary, and would have made for a better reading experience for Infinity War (especially since the trade of that event includes those issues -- though, maybe not in between issues as I place them, but at the end -- I'd have to check out a copy of the paperback to see...). After all, the rule of thumb that I follow (and, really, makes the most sense) is that any comics written by the writer of the main event series are essential to understanding the event. But, that's the only real negative that I have. The only other thing that would have been a benefit would have been including the Silver Surfer graphic novel Homecoming that Starlin wrote as it ties into his run on that title to a small degree and is more explicitly reference in the Silver Surfer/Warlock: Resurrection mini. Maybe adding in another volume with the rest of the Infinity Watch run? That's probably pushing it, but, while we're nitpicking.

* Honestly, there isn't much else that I can criticise. The packaging is great. Solid box. Heavy. HEAVY HEAVY HEAVY. It came in a box from Amazon that then contained another box and it was packaged to avoid damage. The look of the set is good. I like that, for the spines of the books, they used the heroes lined up on the cover of The Infinity War #1. The cover art on each of the volumes (front and back) is a cover from the issues inside with the backgrounds stripped away. In some cases, it works better than others, but, really, who cares. No printing errors that I found or poor quality scans or anything. Good paper stock. The binding is, mostly, good, aside from the beginning of the first crossovers volumes for The Infinity War, as I stated above.

* The reading order is solid. That's an area where I could probably nitpick for days if I really wanted, but what's the point. The only spot where I was concerned was with the Starlin stuff and they put all of that in the same order that I have my copies of the comics in, so... I mean, when it comes to the various crossover issues, I thought that they did a really good job of balancing the various concerns of the spot in the main event that the tie-in issues connected with (which was, sometimes, several issues of the main series) along with the need to present cliffhanger issues right before the followup for better reading. There's no perfect solution and I think that everyone involved here did a good job of finding that balance.

* Despite my complain about not including the Homecoming OGN, I can't fault them for missing anything. In a few cases, they presented excerpts from issues where the event in question was briefly referenced just to be as complete as possible. When it came to the Infinity Gauntlet Companion collection, that's where the bonus material really explodes. Variations on The Infinity Gauntlet are included, like the all-ages retelling and the Secret Wars Battleworld mini, What If? issues, What The--?! issues, even the Starlin-penned Lim-drawn Thanos annual #1 that features an avatar of the Gauntlet-wielding Thanos are all included. From there, the material digs down even deeper with material from a swimsuit special, reproductions of various trading cards, tons of variant covers from different projects that relate, a lot of Marvel Age material, and then panels of scans of original art from anything that they could find that was collected in the set it seems. I would never say that the set is worth it just for this volume because look at the price tag, but I will say that this volume was my favourite of the bunch because of the breadth of material.

As I said, this isn't a set that you worry about the quality of the content too much ahead of time, but I would like to take a brief wander through some of what stood out on that front:

* Not since Avengers vs. X-Men have I had a chance to see such a large sampling of event series tie-in books. This set has three events in their entirety and it provides a cool window into how tie-ins can be approached. Now, of course, events done in the early to mid '90s are different than events done at Marvel over the past decade. There were no creative retreats where Starlin talked about his ideas and other people chimed in and, thus, writers were able to tailor their tie-ins a bit better to the main series and their own. Most of the tie-ins usually expanded on scenes their characters appeared in and used them to further whatever story was already being told in the book. Even for characters that played larger roles in Starlin's stories, there wasn't much room to add meaningfully to the main series, so series like Silver Surfer and Dr. Strange wound up taking a small piece and then going off on their own tangent. The former used a lot of hallucinations or interior exploration; the latter was big on Astral Projection. Lip-service was the name of the game.

* This set did give me a further appreciation for Ron Marz's work on Silver Surfer and Thor where you could definitely see the effect of coming up under Starlin had on his work. His Surfer stuff is the closest I've seen anyone not named Starlin doing comics that I'd put in with Starlin stuff.

* One of my favourite tie-ins was Wonder Man #15, which tied into The Infinity War. I'd read a few issues of the title to that point and it was... fine. But, this issue really took the subplot of Wonder Man questioning his humanity and existence, the idea that he needed anger to get his powers going, and tied it into the doppelganger stuff from the event, and really delivered a strong issue. I was really blown away with the work done to integrate the two.

* Silver Surfer and Dr. Strange were the only comics to tie into all three events.

* You could tell how desperate a title was for sales by how many tie-ins it had... by the end, Alpha Flight and Thor both had six tie-ins to The Infinity Crusade. Ouch.

* Honestly, most of the tie-in comics are... not good. Take a look at the comics that were participating in those events and you're not exactly seeing the cream of Marvel's crop. But, they weren't as bad usually as I would have expected. A lot were serviceable. Some were fun. Only a few were outright terrible. It was a fun window into that period of Marvel.

If there is anyone out there afflicted with the same interest in this material, then this box-set is worth it. I really can't imagine that there are many of you. I wouldn't have thought it would be more than just me, honestly.

[sevendeadlysinsguide-blog]

The Seven Deadly Sins Cheats

The Seven Deadly Sins Guide

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[smokeybrand]

Disappointment

I love comics. I do. I’ve loved them since I was a small boy. I remember fondly, journeys to my local comic shop before it closed. I remember buying first editions of Aliens versus Predator, Alien: Earth War, The Killing Joke and those three issues of Amazing Spider-Man where Carnage debuted. That panel where Pete realizes carnage left him a message in his own blood? Chilling. I remember the dour feeling I got when I first witnessed Miller’s bleak, almost nihilistic take on Batman with his masterpiece , The Dark Knight returns. I remember the jubilation as I scanned the pages upon pages of graphic violence in McFarlane’s Spawn for the first time. The Violator fast became one of my all-time favorites Comic villains. I watched the comic bubble grow and grow until it burst and the fall of an entire industry toward the late 90s, early 00’s. I remember the cringe worthy, poorly written, maxi-events born distinctly from that ridiculous “extreme everything” epoch of the mid 90s. I was excited when the industry rebounded on the back of epic storytelling and art that was head and shoulders above what I had as a youth, in the late 00s, early 10s. Even now, I pick up any one of the Bat books DC is shilling and I am wildly impressed. Capullo’s run, in particular, has been a creative and narrative refreshment. I’m going to miss him when he’s gone. I love comics as much as I love film, cinema, anime, manga, and f*cking pancakes. My geek card is legit and punched, particularly for Marvel Comics.

I love a good Marvel book. Don’t get me wrong, I can dig a DC outing, I rather enjoyed Judas Contract and Death in the Family in particular, but Marvel always felt real to me. DC comics was escapism. They were Gods pretending to be human in my eyes, the ideal way to live. That made sense to me as I grew older because they were created in a time where escapism was needed. Most of the groundwork for DC was laid in the 30s. WWII was beginning to rear it’s ugly head and there was a necessity for the American populace to have a place to divert their attention to fantastic tails in order to distract from the horrific realities of the world.  Marvel was born in the sixties. They’re a product of one of the most socially tumultuous times in out history. Marvel heroes are people thrust into godhood. They have to learn how to be heroes because they are inherently flawed. There are no Superman allegories here, no perfect specimens to light the way for humanity. Nah, these cast are assholes just like the rest of us, trying to stay above water. Only they can shoot f*cking lasers from their eyes sometimes. While DC relegated their more socially experimental or controversial stories to the oblivion of Vertigo or Elseworlds, Marvel embraced them. Reed Richards became an emotionally distant asshole. Tony Stark became a functioning alcoholic. The allegorical comparison of Mutants being black people struggling for human rights during the civil unrest of the 60s was not lost on anyone with a brain. I loved that Marvel let their heroes be human. I loved that they made mistakes and that those mistakes had real consequences. I loved that I could look at a comic and see myself, in both demeanor and ethnicity. Spider-Man is my all time favorite comic character. I wrote about this before but I WAS Pete as a kid and I think that’s why he’s so endearing. He is the best of that Marvel lot and epitomizes the genius Stan, John, and Jack had when they crafted the most endearing literary universe in the last century.

The fact that i love Marvel so much is why I am hurting with the direction they have decided to take with all of this SJW nonsense. If you know Marvel’s history, if you’ve read their books, then you know they were already one of the most progressive companies out there. I mean, they’re genesis was one steeped in social awakening! Hell, I’m not even mad Marvel is shoehorning all of this PC propaganda in their books or killing off characters I love (**cough**Wolverine**cough**), or subsisting on year-long maxi events or allowing Slott to ruin Spider-Man! Actually, I am livid about that Slott nonsense but I’ll get to that. I’m not mad Thor is a woman. She is a great character and a breath of fresh air in a narrative that was growing a bit stale for me. Jane Foster being Thor gave way to The Unworthy Thor story line, which is probably the best written Thor arc I have ever read. I’m not mad Mockingbird is a feminist. How can she not be? I rather enjoyed Spider-Island and that little tease at the end with MJ and Pete? That made my heart all aflutter. Speaking of, my favorite book at the moment is Renew Your Vows. Goddamn do I miss Pete and MJ and that book just reminds me of everything that could have been. F*cking Slott, man… I ADORE the direction they’ve taken Talon (X-23 and the current Wolverine for those of you who don’t know Laura’s actual X-Men code name) and even like a little of that whole Cyclops fiasco fallout. A little bit, not all of it. There are a few things SJW Marvel has done well, their increasing diversity is a big one, but it feels like those good things pale in comparison to the issue I think that is crippling Marvel; The writing is sh*t now.

SJW Marvel feels like they’ve traded actual, inspired, storytelling for “Woke” gimmicks and a pandered slathering of social commentary. There are too many soap boxed now and not enough passion in crafting a compelling narrative. Dan Slott (I told you I’d get to this asshat) is a perfect example of this bullsh*t. Bro has taken Spider-Man and basically turned him into Tony Stark. He’s erased, literally erased by having Pete and MJ cut a deal with the goddamn devil, their marriage. Slott, in his run on Amazing, has regressed Spider-man back to those harrowing and swinging days of being a College Freshman but with a multi-billion dollar tech company. For a second there, I even think Peter was an international spy or some sh*t. It’s wild nonsense that is just north of embellished fan fiction! What happened to the great tales we got like Kraven’s Last Hunt or Torment? Why do I have to sit through The Superior Spider-Man?? F*ck, then there’s THAT fuckery. Doctor Octopus is literally a Spider-man clone now. He is, and I am not sh*tting you right now, living in a perfect clone of Peter Parker, powers and all. But he leads Hydra or some sh*t. We’ll circle back around to that in a second, let me tell you, but first, this whole Fantastic Four bullsh*t. I liked Secret Wars II. I thought it was interesting that Doom finally got his wish and became a f*cking god. I thought his characterization in that whole event was brilliant. What I didn’t like? Marvel using that even to essentially erase the Fantastic Four. I liked Sue. She was a great character and had grown considerably over the years. All of that, gone. More to the point, I loved Valeria and her interactions with Doom. Those few books where she actually plays Robin and conscious to Doom’s villainy are spectacular. Marvel essentially nixing that relationship just to scorn Fox feels a lot like Slott nixing MJ because he thinks Peter should be a hoe.

Both circumstances are f*cking ridiculous and do nothing but leave the characters and company less. And it’s not just these instances. Riri Williams has a ton of potential but sucks and everyone hates her because she’s written as a smart-mouthed b*tch. America Chaves is another missed opportunity! And, oh my god, what did they do to my Carol Danvers?? I LOVE Miss Marvel. Her stint in Might Avengers and Heroic Age solidified that she could be the premiere female Marvel hero. In my eyes, Carol is their Wonder Woman and, for a time, she was on her way. Now? After all of this SJW branding and agendas have made her power absorbing Hitler. They’ve destroyed her character, assassinated nay real progress in an effort to portray her as a feminist icon. She was already one of those!

Carol Danvers doesn’t have to be the new version of 1610 Captain America! And then there’s THAT debacle. Secret Empire was a goddamn cash grab and the biggest farce I have read out of Marvel since Onslaught. Cap is a Nazi? Really? Get the f*ck out of here with that nonsense. And the ending? Just a bit too fan service-y for me. There was literal deus ex machina. Seriously, ClassicCap came out of the cosmic cube to punch out NaziCap. He allegory is just so heavy handed, it’s borderline insulting to my intelligence as the reader. I cannot stress how ridiculous this entire situation was, this entire stupid goddamn “event”. Also, the f*ck was up with Dead No More? Didn’t we learn our lesson about clones with Ben Reily and that whole clusterf*ck? Why are we even doing this nonsense again??

It’s not just the writing though, either. The art for most of these books is atrocious. Anything Olivier Coipel or Esad Ribic touch with a pencil is god’s work and Kris Anka is one of my favorites but the redesigns of some of those classic outfits are terrible. I mean, Spider-Man’s tech suit is ass. Riri’s armor looks like a knock off Rescue mod, and Foster’s Thor comes across as a hodge-podge of nonsense. That classic Ms. Marvel Leotard is my favorite of her outfits but I get the upgrade to her current garb. Running around in stilettos with your ass out doesn’t really bode well for gaining confidence you can protect the general public from giant, interdimensional, crab monsters or rouge government assassi-bots. What i don’t like is how masculine Carol’s drawn now. Chick isn’t She-Hulk, yo. Why you got her so yoked? Carol Danvers was a vision of beauty, legit model caliber. She’s always been fit, yeah, but there was still a softness to her. Just a touch, I’d say. Now, chick is a rock of f*cking angst granite. Not only is she poorly written but her overall design is sh*t! It’s like, goddamn Marvel! You want to push Ms. Marvel to the front, give me something to work with How am I supposed to root for an ugly, b*tchy, incompetent who constantly makes decisions that get people killed? How is THIS “Captain Marvel” a leader?? Bro, speaking of “leaders”, Sam Wilson Cap is ridiculous. That sh*t feels like blatant tokenism, particularly when there have already been several black captain Americas in Marvel history. There was this whole Tuskegee allegory about it. One of the grand kids was the Young Avengers, for chrissake!

I don’t know, man. I think Marvel need to take a step back and figure why things were so good back in the day. Why the Ultimate universe was so successful and then why it wasn’t. I think they need to get some fresh blood in those executive chairs, cats with actual vision and a very poignant, very innovative story to tell because what I’m getting now feels a lot like that Extreme nonsense I got right before everything fell apart. The art might be better but the narratives are not. What I got with Secret Wars II feels a lot like what I got with the Clone Saga or Identity Crisis and them sh*ts were terrible. Legacy has a ton of potential but if it’s just a way to bring actual Jean Grey back from the dead, you can keep that sh*t. Give me back Wolverine. Let Laura and her father have some adventures. It feels like a crime Gabby hasn’t met her grandpa. Give me back Pete and MJ. You’ve already taken his daughter, first love, and uncle. At least let the guy have his wife. Give me back Doom and Valeria. The potential those two have together is profound and vastly untapped. Look, I get it. I’m pining for a bygone era.

Times are changing and this SJW sh*t is becoming the status quo. If you want to exist in this society, you have to embrace that sh*t to an extent. All I’m saying is don’t be so heavy handed with it. Have some tact. Use a deft touch. It‘s not difficult to be inclusive without being obnoxious about it or ruining entire character histories for a year or two of upped sales. Marvel is actually hemorrhaging money at the moment because of this ridiculous turn in narrative. Marvel Studios is essentially holding them up. Those motherf*ckers are printing money for Disney. Actually, Marvel Comics only has to look as far as their cinema counterpart to get the blueprint. Spider-Man: Homecoming is how you traverse this new age of social wokeness. Those cats wrote an outstanding story, full of diversity and social commentary, and grounded it in a world that felt real. And they did it with excellent characterization and a true reverence for the source material. Homecoming felt more like Spider-Man than any of the other Spider-Man films and it kept true to the current social current effortlessly.

That’s how you write Spider-Man. That’s how you write, period. That’s how Marvel Comics needs to write if they want to salvage their company. Hell, Logan is another great example. So are both of the Guardian films. Pretty sure Ragnarok is another but that remains to be seen. It’s wild to me that films, created for the sole purpose of getting scratch, cobbled together by a committee of producers and executives, can create something that has more depth, scope, vision, and soul than the motherf*ckers entrusted with the goddamn source material, themselves. That says so much about the people in charge of my beloved Marvel comics and what it says depresses the f*ck out of me.

[comicbookrearview]

Uncanny X-Men vol.1 issue 294

X-CUTIONER’S SONG PART 1

It was February 1993 by the time this issue came out at newsagents in Australia, it was already four issues into collecting uncanny x-men. The cartoon had aired in America, i guess it was around this time it started on Australian TV in the morning before school. 

This issue was poly-bagged (and this is where i learned the term, to this day only comic book kids will know what that is) with a Skybox X-Cutioner’s song trading card. Sure! What the hell, i’m a kid.. i like stuff.. i have no money so it helps if that stuff is free too!

Aw man.. it’s Xavier... 11 year old me: *Yawn.

THE COVER

The cover price is $2.25 Australian, pricey for ‘93, poly-bags must cost more to make because the last issue was only 1.80.. hey everyone, lets all hug and reminisce about when we could afford things! 

The corner box lists the Australian price so the kid who learned about the whole speculators market a few years later will tell you this is already worth less than a “legit american copy”. The corner box was your standard head shots of the team members of this book, i wish they still did these today, not for any other good reason besides nostalgia, but it’s just an inconsequential thing that kids thought were cool, it complimented the logo i guess (shrug). Also what i miss is what i think is Marvel’s greatest ever company logo, before they changed it to hide that they were about comics and it was the M with the word comics scrawled through it.. c’mon, some graphic designer was really tuned into the demographic with this, i hope that paid for a wing on their house.

The image is by interior artist Brandon Peterson. We’ll talk about his art later on some but i do want to note that it displays the two most used depictions of eyes being drawn at the time. Grim and gritty shadowed over, serious, moody, dark. Or you have completely devoid of anything, “what i’m reacting to is so intense in some way that my eyeball has lost all pigmentation, my pupils are no longer there.. je suis mort”.

The image is an already cool AF Cable holding a big ass gun, standing over the smoldering body of a pupil less Professor X with a corresponding big ass hole in his chest, possibly made by the big ass gun, i can’t say for sure. What i can say for sure is that this was drawn by somebody with a better grasp on anatomy than the infamous creator of Cable, Rob Liefeld, because everything is in proportion, has been researched or well thought out, Cables gun is big, but not scientifically so big that he shouldn’t be able to hold it in the air even with the aid of a 90′s AF cybernetic arm. His pouches, which i’m guessing Peterson may have been loath to draw and are possibly an editorial edict, look as practical and functional as they can, they look full and in use. I know it’s cool to rag on Liefeld, I've nothing against the man, he’s genuinely earned his place in comic book history, but all i’m saying is if we had to endure accessories like this as staples of the genre at the time, effort like Peterson’s was the most correct way to go about things. Anyway, white background, cool, our focus should be solely on the jarring image the cover confronts us with.. the cover should make you want to read the book and tell me you didn’t suck in a room full of air and snatch this of the stands when it came out.

THE STORY

We start off with a splash page (we’ll talk about them on the whole in the art section) Warren Worthington III is taking his girl on a date. Where? Where would a guy in a tux with a bouquet of flowers and access to a limousine take somebody dressed in leathers and a white tee? To a concert in the park.

A peace rally in central park. Hey! I know central park, i know places geographically because i read comics and watch TV ... thanks world, screw you school I owe you nothing. We cut across to different pairings of x-men characters discussing either there feelings about Xavier's speech that is about to transpire or events in their personal lives that are happening or have happened in surrounding issues. Little asterisks direct us to the relevant issue if we’d like to catch up these ourselves. Thanks comics, it was actually very helpful back then to have a point of reference to call back to or to further our reading.. another thing comics seemingly have abandoned today (can anybody reading this tell me why?). These conversations give the characters their voice and straddle a good balance between the picture/word ratio an 11 year old wants to see in a comic book. Scott Lobdell only got better at this as time went on but read through this issue and you’ll find he did so well to cram in foreshadowing, back story, character and truth into those speech bubbles, the man, i feel, has been forgotten in a way since the 90′s, his talents seem under appreciated. 

Another thing he does well is to control pace and actually build towards events, we’re four pages in before the title card/opening credits/ splash page hits us and it happens after a third page so you have to turn the page for a reveal, it’s not given away by accidentally glancing over to page 3, no, page 4 is the perfect place for these pages. What is the reveal? Two anti-mutant terrorists are planting explosives to violently disrupt the peace rally, making bigoted slurs and all until BRRZT... BRRZT ..Cable shoots them both in their mother effing backs, stops to reveal himself and pose for the camera and ...what... HE’s got dibs on Xavier? Uh-oh.

We’re left hanging as we’re then shown Cyclops daydreaming as he waits for Jean Grey. His telepathic girlfriend walks in on him fantasizing about teammate Psylocke.. yes Scott.. that’s why Jim Lee re-designed her as such, we all did that. This sequence takes on different meaning at each age that i’d read this issue. 11 year old me sort of got it, teenage me got it but didn't completely get it and adult me wold get conflicting emotions about getting it. See, Scott Lobdell could write soap opera with merit. Same goes for the next scene where Iceman and Colossus in their civilian identities are doing the x-mansions grocery shopping. Because the x-men weren't the Avengers and were always more relate-able because they did things actual people did when they weren't superheroing. Everyone can relate to a supermarket run. I probably coerced my mum to buy me this very issue while she was on said supermarket run. My man at the time Gambit is interacting with storm, this is what i thought was cool at the time kids. A roguish (no pun intended) charm, a trench-coat over a singlet top and shorts... the undercover exercise look, was all the rage in the early 90′s.. look it up..go.

Then we cross to a sidebar of other x-team, X-Factor, preparing to watch the concert. Lobdell writes them with all the spirit, voice and character that Peter David, who was writing the hell out of X-Factor at the time, did.

So lets re-assess, so far Lobdell has shown us Archangel on date, Professor X and Lila Cheney, Bishop and Rogue, Storm and Gambit, Cyclops, Jean, Iceman and Colossus and name dropped Beast, Forge,and Psylocke AND shown us X-Factor. And i’m still on the edge of my seat already because of the ominous way Cable has been introduced. This is how you write a team book that’s going to have it’s reach into a 12 part cross over. We aren’t even at the catalyst event yet. Scott Lobdell, again ladies and gents, Scott Lobdell.

Suddenly...

Cyclops and Jean are ambushed by ex-X-factor teammate Caliban. We’re given a page of Cable in the crowd as the tension builds, we cross BACK to the action away from the concert we’re colossus and iceman are attempting to join the Caliban/Cyclops/Jean fracas until they’re ambushed by War and Famine... um.. the characters, they aren’t suddenly having an existential crisis with the actual concepts, and then we’re back to Xavier. Who’s giving an inspiring speech about race relations that is extremely relevant 25 years on. This again is a great example of Scott Lobdell’s talent to shift from fever pitch to still and thought provoking in a manner of pages. Even the layout of pages 18 and 19 are in contrast to each other while being at the same time relevant to what the written words are saying.

And then...?

BRAM... “CHARLES!!!!!”

Cable takes his shot, shooting Xavier from the crowd, and even though you knew it was coming (It’s on the cover remember), it’s still a shock, it still jars the reader. Lobdell slaps you in the face and shakes you, but doesn't let you catch your breath as we’re back immediately to battle with Caliban and the side battle with War and Famine (the people not the concepts).. the action has reached it’s fever pitch. Both battles end abruptly and as a reader you’re thrown into total confusion with this three pronged attack of events in succession so by the time you’re back to the chaos of the concert you’re in the same emotional state as the characters should be.. reacting to these overwhelming events that have just unfolded.

In a nice nod to the theme of the issue on race, something Lobdell also writes well and treats with detail and respect, it’s revealed that Archangel is wearing an image inducer to blend in with the crowd, speaking in a subtle and layered way on identity. He springs into action, or reaction, going straight for Cable as some of the other characters we’ve seen in this issue race to the Xavier’s side. The situation is dire. Cable eludes Archangel by teleporting out. (”Celebration bound” you absolute asshole, Cable). And then we’re taken to the current whereabouts of another team, X-Force, who are Cables charges and are just now witnessing the news footage of events and we’re left on a cliffhanger with them.

The executioners song has begun.

THE ART

Brandon Peterson, i’m assuming, was given the art duties on this title because his style was similar enough to Jim Lee’s. I don’t mean that as an insult, it stands enough on it’s own so that the two can be distinctive of each other but at least the influence or some of the stylistic tropes are there.He does extremely well at adapting to the pace of the writing in the book and he moves the story sequentially very well. I hadn't realized he more or less has 6 splash pages in this issue, but they’re used well and effectively at the right times to visually tell the story and give the right moments weight and impact. A hallmark of the early 90′s culturally and in artistic meaning, was the mullet, and Peterson’s mullets are right up there with the Bagleys, Romita Jr’s and Lims of their day. Another 90′s thing to do for some reason, and it would only get more pronounced through out the 90′s, was the tendency to use a characters trademarked logo when their name is being shouted out, see the point where Archangel soars towards Cable. How would that sound i wonder? Bucking the trend at the time, Peterson’s expressions aren’t just blank or gritted teeth. Faces in a panel are reacting to what is happening in that panel logically. Also characters aren't just dressed in some stock depiction of clothing. Only Jamie McKelvie, i feel, has a knack for capturing the clothing and trends of the exact minute, but Peterson’s characters dress to reflect their personalities, even Gambit (discussed above) and with only the exception of Rogue, who’s civilian outfit is a rejected costume idea with a military green X-jacket that she’s torn the logo’s off (I’m on to you Rogue). Bishop is dressed like the militant tightwad that he is, Cyclops is fathers day catalog K-mart. Jean is Danielle Steele non-descriptive female actress. Archangel is rich guy wears suits. Iceman is swinging single guy, Colossus is drab, loose fitting artist. I used to wonder why nobody wore brands in comics or dressed like people i knew but they wouldn’t. You wouldn't get the visual idea of their character in one glance if they all wore street brand hoodies and designer jeans.  Peterson is also really good at slightly playing with convention and perspective. Larger than life moments like Caliban bursting through a ceiling or Colossus and Iceman changing form and charging into action are embellished by exceeding the borders  and constraints of the panel. 

So that’s it for this issue. 

Thanks for reading if you’ve read it through. I’d love to talk about it more with any of you, these posts are also on the twitter link if I've done it correctly. The Instagram account is where i share photos of the tattered issues I've just danced down memory lane with and i’m hoping to get up a curated playlist of things relevant to this review on the YouTube channel in time. (Just give it time).

[buzzdixonwriter]

Spoilericious Notes On THE LAST JEDI

That’s good… Luke Skywalker, Kylo Ren, and Yoda (hey, I said this would be spoilericious!) are all in agreement that humanity (because humanity represents about 90% of the Star Wars universe; there’s a whole side issue on human privilege that could be explored but we won’t) has grossly misunderstood what The Force is all about, attributing moral / ethical values it lacks (The Force simply…is), and as such creating a huge mess with the whole Jedi / Sith dichotomy and so should be (literally) burned to the ground and something new built from the ashes.

That’s bad… Based on the amount of training Rey goes through to get to avalanche lifting levels of Force mastery, Rocky Balboa would be an omnipotent god if he could just get into the Star Wars universe.  Y’know how in Hong Kong action films and Japanese anime the characters say, “We need special training,” and they spend thirty seconds to a minute in a montage and come out ready to kick Bruce Lee’s ass?  Not as much training as that.

That’s good… For the first time the Star Wars universe acknowledges the dreadful compromise and complexity of any large scale society, in particular how the wealth of the Star Wars universe is generated through arms sales and as such there is absolutely no reason for anyone to stop fighting.

That’s bad… In his climactic showdown with Kylo Ren, Luke Skywalker (dammit, read the title of this post; I said there would be spoilers) promises him and the fans that ”the war is just beginning”.  Question: Are Disney and the filmmakers even aware that they are criticizing their own business model?  I mean, in a certain sense they’re trapped; by the very name Star WARS they are compelled to tell stories about a grandiose interstellar conflict, unlike Star Trek which is just about a long trip that visits distant planets (or at least used to be…).  But this means that despite the title of Episode IV, there is no hope! and the Star Wars universe is condemned to an eternity of horrific conflict and violent death.

That’s good… Everybody has agreed to forget all about that silly midi-chlorian nonsense.

That’s bad… After presenting a consistently godless universe in ten theatrical features, two TV movies, six TV series, and lord knows how many books / comics / games, the concept of God has been dropped into Star Wars (hell as a concept was introduced back in Empire Strikes Back).  I’m absolutely not saying that God has no place in popular entertainment, just that the universe of Star Wars -- both in concept and execution -- consistently portrayed a culture where the very idea of God had never been introduced (but this may be attributable to bad scripting; see below…).

That’s good… Snoke’s throne room is like something out of a 1950s MGM musical, and I mean that in a good sense:  It looks genuinely futuristic and other worldly.  There are some small edits and cutaway shots in the film that look like nothing else in the Star Wars universe (and not big special effects scenes but rather subtle little moments).  Now and then there are specific call outs to earlier films, in particular Luke Skywalker dying (Fnck you!  I told you there would be spoilers!) under twin suns echoing the moment in the original Star Wars when he stared off into the twin sunset of Tatooine and realized destiny was calling him elsewhere.  And the salt-encrusted mineral world of Crait is the closest thing to a genuinely alien world that we’ve ever seen in Star Wars.

That’s bad… As my son-in-law Bobby Dragulescu observed, the Star Wars universe is only visually consistent:  In no shape / fashion / form does it portray a uniform worldview (or rather, galactic-view) of a society that could actually function.  The political systems are a hot mess, and for all the endless talk about trade alliances in the prequels, there’s virtually no signs of actual large scale interstellar trade or commerce (with the possible exception of the bio-factory on Kamino cranking out endless copies of Temuera Morrison in Attack Of The Clones).  Mind you, virtually all space operas suffer from this flaw (Star Trek The Original Series hid it better than most by taking place so waaay far out there that commerce had not yet completely caught up with the Enterprise).  Star Wars looks pretty but makes no damn sense, and this problem only gets worse with each additional installment, building towers of cards on foundations of sand.

That’s good… Poe’s brief exchange with General Hux was Monty Python / Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy level hilarity, shockingly unexpected in a funny (not offensive) manner, and an absolute delight harkening back to the cheekiest lines in the original Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back.

That’s bad… The rest of the film has the worst dialog heard in a Star Wars movie written by anybody other than George Lucas.

That’s good… More (human) diversity in the roles, with females and non-whites / non-Europeans filling in a lot of supporting roles.

That’s bad… As much as I hate agreeing on anything with the fragile alt-right critics who decry said diversity, to this specifically limited degree they have a point:  The appearance of such characters was often shot / staged / edited in a way that instead of appearing naturalistic called undo attention to the casting.  “Hey, look!  We’ve got an Asian female doing stuff!”

That’s good… Gimme a moment…

That’s bad… I almost typed “There isn’t a single good performance in this film” but realized that isn’t true; there are several good performances but the bad ones are so bad they suck all memory of the good into a black hole of mediocrity.  Daisy Ridley as Rey does a good job, Domhnall Gleeson as General Hux and Benicio del Toro as DJ both chew scenery with great gusto, Kelly Marie Tran as Rose Tico struggles mightily to make a silk purse out of her sow’s ear and ends up with a nice imitation leather wallet, Andy Serkis draws ahead of Doug Jones as the best-actor-you-never-actually-see-onscreen race, but much to my delight Adam Driver as Kylo Ren goes so far over the emo top that I am capable of forgiving the film of all its grievous flaws.  That being said, The Last Jedi does Carrie Fisher no favors in her final portrayal of Leia Organa (flying through space like a Marvel superhero doesn’t help, either), Laura Dern is woefully miscast and seems to think she’s just doing a table read, and although serviceable as Luke Skywalker, Mark Hamil proves himself to be the least compelling performer to play a Jedi or Sith.  (He does shine as the voice of Dobbu Scay, a trollish alien who insists on shoving coins up BB-8’s nether regions.)

That’s good… ...lemme think…

That’s bad… When it’s good (see themes up above) the script is very good, but when it’s bad (50%+ of the remaining film) it sucks wet farts out of dead porgs.  Finn, Rose, and DJ have an incredibly convoluted / overly complicated hour long sub-plot that contributes absolutely nothing to the story’s final resolution.  They visit a gambling casino world that looks like a crappy swipe from a James Bond movie (tho the Gerry Anderson Supermarionation-looking alien was a nice touch), feature an alien critter race that’s a lift from Syd Mead, and chat incessantly via com-links while traveling through hyperspace despite the fact that tracking ships through hyperspace is repeatedly presented as a radical leap in technology!  And while it’s revealed the First Order has planted a homing device on Leia’s ship (something Darth Vader did in the original Star Wars with the Millennium Falcon) and has an agent on board, nothing is ever done with these ideas.

That’s good… Oh!  Snoke tells Kylo Ren to “get rid of that silly mask”.  That’s nice.

That’s bad… The Last Jedi drops the ball on several plot points in addition to the hyperspace tracking mentioned above.  Luke promises to teach Rey three lessons about the force, but only gets through two and the third one is never alluded to again.  They make a big deal about Rey’s parents being despicable drug addicts who sold her as an infant, completely lacking in Force pedigree which means (a) they are belaboring a non-crucial story point or (b) -- and we’ll give ‘em a benefit of a doubt here -- they’re planting a red herring in order to set up a big reveal for the next movie.  Snoke is demonstrated to be omniscient and capable of planning so far ahead and in so much detail that he can create a fake future in Kylo Ren’s mind for Rey to read, but conveniently leaves a live / fully charged light saber on the arm of his throne to get sliced in half by (and if he’s such a hot snot re Force abilities, why would getting whacked in half ala Darth Maul even slow him down?). 

That’s good… ...I got nuthin’…

That’s bad… Using a starship as a kamikaze by revving up to hyperjump speed and ramming it into the baddies’ ship is a cool idea but makes one wonder why didn’t anybody use it before in the Star Wars universe (c’mon, space torpedoes) and why did they wait to the very last minute to do so -- losing most of the supporting cast in the process -- instead of turning one of the other, smaller ships against Snoke’s flagship?  And nobody in the Star Wars universe has figured out that putting a sharp hairpin turn and/or baffles in an exhaust vent will keep people from dropping bombs / flying spaceships through it.

That’s good… Hey, no Death Star.  Finally.

 © Buzz Dixon

[burndownthesun]

Comic Con 2017: The First Day

I do not remember a great deal of the travelling involved, beyond saying that airports are boring and I was awake for 24-25 hours. I do not enjoy planes, as some of you well know. I fear them deeply. Rather, I fear take-off and landing, but take-off the most. My doctor now knows this too and her advice was diazepam.

Turns out diazepam is magic as rather than a full blown panic, take-off caused only a mild worry. Bonus. That, and the foul garbage they call coffee on an aeroplane. These are my memories. I was swiftly abed upon landing and getting to the hotel.

So, the first day: Stepping out of the hotel door into the sunshine I was struck with a single thought, one that was tinged with a little disappointment as I wouldn’t be able to engage in the traditional wandering around, that thought was ‘Fuck walking anywhere, oh my god.’ I am reliably informed that it was around 27 degrees celsius and the humidity was about 85%. Eighty. Five. With breathing being a chore I waited for the shuttle bus service to take me to the convention centre. It was mercifully air-conditioned.

Upon arrival I set off towards the centre proper, over a bridge that only mildly triggered my acrophobia. I was struck with a banner for Fox’s new show in the X-Men universe: (Seems I can’t add images when typing this up on my phone. I will add that as soon as I can.) It seems interesting but I wish they would give mutants back to Marvel. Ah well.

I came then upon a line. This I was well forewarned about. Lines, they say, are naturally drawn to Comic Con. I walked down the line. Then I walked further down the line. Then I walked further down the line. Eventually I came to the end of the building. It is a very large building. This was not the end of the line. No. It snaked around the side and vanished under an archway that looked to be the staff entrance to the building. The end of the line was here so I joined.

Not too bad, this line. It moved fairly rapidly, up until it stopped doing that and we were simply stood. At this point the sun was starting to get angry at us. There were moments when it was almost too much to bear. We crept forward at snails pace, ever hoping to reach the next spot of shade. Begging the line to move just three or four more steps to allow you under the cover and the people behind you be damned. It was every nerd for themselves at that point. What boggled the mind at this point were the cosplayers. They of crafty hands (or hefty wallets) dedicated to portraying a favourite character with their own attire. There was fantasy warriors in furs and leather. There were mascots in full suit. There were plastic-armoured space-marines and the like. All suffering no doubt from heat stroke. I do not know if they are heroic or just stupid. Probably both, as is the way of things.

Eventually an hour passed and the line led me inside. Air-conditioning is a marvelous thing. I stopped sweating finally and after grabbing my badge (very quickly once through the doors) I went in search of water, paying $4 for a bottle and not even caring a jot. (I cared immensely what a rip-off).

Comic-Con then, set about the two floors of the convention centre (and other places besides). Upstairs you will find the meeting rooms and halls set aside for panels and whatnot, mostly filled today with interesting sounding talks by interesting sounding people. Hall H is infamous. It is GARGANTUAN at 1600 seats, it is on the ground floor and it is notoriously difficult to get into for the more popular panels. Tomorrow is a Game of Thrones panel and there are probably people waiting in line NOW to get in for that. The Stranger Things panel is in there on Saturday, we shall see if I brave it. I wandered around a few laps of this upper floor reading schedules on doors before heading downstairs and into the main convention hall.

This room is the size of an aircraft carrier. Possibly two. It is unbelievably enormous and it was full. What strikes you as you enter is sound. People and sound and THINGS. Just stuff, everywhere. End to end this room is crammed with stalls, people selling comics, t-shirts, pins, posters, trading cards for obscure early 90’s cartoons, the Cowboy Bebop soundtrack for $40 and a lanyard for $10. As well as this large entertainment companies have stores to ply their newest show or whatever. There was a tantalising red curtain with the words Twin Peaks above it, but too many people around to really find out what it was. Wall to wall this room is filled with these stalls, and in literally all available space between are people. People. Everywhere, People. Those in regular clothing, some who have dressed up. Some who had dressed down, as it were; cosplaying a character who doesn’t wear much is genius in this climate (and if you’re a bit of an exhibitionist, I suppose).

It is a wonder unto itself, this vast collection of people. This ocean of humanity waving to and fro between stands, chatting and looking at all the STUFF. I was not chatting; I have travelled alone again (see my Vancouver posts from several years ago) so today was spent mostly people watching and looking at the STUFF. Although one fellow in the line was chatty, and almost immediately wrongly identified me as Australian. This, I am told, is fairly common for those of us from England’s North. Strange, as our accents are not even that similar. Also you’d think Game of Thrones fans would have learned to recognise a Yorkshire accent by now (even if they do think it’s just Northern Westeros.)

I wandered out eventually, having been overwhelmed quite enough for the time being, onto a terrace overlooking the harbour. There a group of people dressed as knights (including some in half-plate. Actual metal armour.) hit each other with sticks in lieu of real swords for the delight of a woman who they all called the queen. This seemed strange but fun. I overheard a woman explain this to someone nearby as a kind of ancient western martial art training thing. With LARPing royalty mixed in I suppose. If this happens in England I don’t know of it but I assume it does, it is our history they’re recreating after all. I returned inside.

After another quick dip into the grand hall of STUFF I exited another door and out into the streets in search of food. The streets were an insane place too. People everywhere, costumes galore. Every restaurant and cafe within a certain distance of the centre had a mile-long queue and an hour long waiting time once you were at the front. I eventually returned to an area beside where the shuttle dropped us that morning which housed a couple of food trucks amid myriad distractions including a full-size snow speeder from Star Wars(!) and grabbed something and fries. Some meat or other.

It was time to return to hotel. I had been about for hours and my feet were starting to ache. I still cannot lift my shoulder properly thanks to the efforts of my backpack. I shall be emptying that almost entirely tomorrow to avoid a repeat performance.

A strange and exciting day then, filled with colour and vibrancy I saw a great many things; I saw Team Skull from Pokemon getting nachos. I saw a child decimating all comers at Marvel vs Capcom Infinite by picking Rocket and Hulk and just spamming the Reality Stone. I saw Spiderman buying Magic: The Gathering cards. I saw a thousand Harley Quinns, several Starfires (for an unknown reason, are the Titans popular again?), ten thousand Daenerys Targaryens (no Starks though. Perhaps I should buy leather armour and furs. I’ve already got the accent.), and SO. MANY. JEDI. (perhaps I should have brought my Jedi robes?)

I think I have become slightly sunburnt on my arms. My face has been unaffected, mercifully.

It is time to think about food and the eating thereof once again.

All in all a successful day one, I’d say. To day two!

[aion-rsa]

The Fastest Marvel Characters (Based On Trading Cards)

Marvel’s ’90s trading cards were packed with stats. If you were a ’90s kid who wanted to win playground arguments with cold, hard facts, these cards were for you. We’ve already used these cards to determine the ultimate fighters of the ’90s Marvel Universe; this time around, we’re focusing on Marvel’s speedsters as detailed in “Marvel Universe II-V” and 1995’s “Marvel Metal” set.

RELATED: Ultimate Fighter: Marvel’s Toughest Characters

Only characters with cards in at least three of the five sets listed above were considered for this list. That means these guys were the most prominent speedsters of the ’90s, as opposed to one-card-wonders like the super fast Century, Salome, Death, Captain Mar-Vell and the appropriately named Judas Traveller. Without further ado, here are the fastest fighters in the Marvel Universe according to those unimpeachable ’90s trading cards.

ROGUE

While you might know Rogue as one of the strongest heroes around, the Southern X-Man was also consistently ranked as one of the quickest heroes in the Marvel Universe in those five trading card sets. She appeared in all five of them, earning 4s and one 5! That means that Rogue could fly at around subsonic speeds of 250-500 miles per hour. Yeah, if the bottom entry peaks at 500 miles per hour, then you know there are some fast characters on this list.

Of course, these cards measured Rogue’s abilities back when she was operating with Ms. Marvel’s power set. As you’ll remember, Rogue permanently siphoned off Carol Danvers’ super abilities, making them her own. One could, therefore, argue that Ms. Marvel — now Captain Marvel — would also come in at the #15 spot if she had trading cards during this time period. Still, Rogue’s well-rounded powerset got her onto this list, making her one of the fastest X-Men, in addition to being one of the strongest (and also sassiest).

CANNONBALL

The character that is basically tied with Rogue just so happens to be the other Southern X-Man, Cannonball. Sam Guthrie’s blasting powers might not let him fly with as much grace and accuracy as Rogue, but he still gets the job done when it comes to speed. Like Rogue, Cannonball earned rankings of 4s and a 5 in terms of speed, meaning he flies just under the speed of sound. Not bad for an ex-coal miner from Kentucky.

Cannonball isn’t just fast, either. His bio-kinetic blasting power also equips him with a forcefield that makes him nigh invulnerable while he’s rocketing through the air. He’s even been able to extend that blast field outwards to protect those in close proximity to him. On top of all that, he’s a solid strategist and great team player. He’s served with teams ranging from the outlaw X-Force to the X-Men proper and even the Avengers. This high-flying hero can currently be seen in “U.S.Avengers.”

NOVA

While Sam Alexander may hold down the Nova moniker today, Richard Rider was Marvel’s original Nova, wearing the bucket helmet throughout all of the ’90s. As a member of the New Warriors, Nova added even more attitude to the already radical team. He also added some much-needed speed to the group, with his cosmic-powered ability to fly almost at the speed of sound.

Like Rogue and Cannonball, Nova also scored mostly 4s in the trading card sets. Unlike Rogue and Cannonball, however, Nova earned a 6 in the 1995 “Marvel Metal” set, which pushes his average above subsonic speeds. There’s one common thread in this list: if you’re a cosmic hero, odds are you’re super fast. Despite being an average kid from Long Island, Richard’s Nova armor gifts him with abilities far beyond that of a normal human. Fans are now reacquainting themselves with Richard, as he’s just returned in the pages of Marvel’s new “Nova” series.

CAPTAIN BRITAIN

Unlike America’s resident superhero Captain, Captain Britain has the ability to fly — and fly fast. If Steve Rogers and Brian Braddock were to race, the UK hero would undoubtedly win, due to his ability to fly at the speed of sound (770 miles per hour). As a member of the X-Men spinoff team Excalibur, Captain Britain had a solid presence on ’90s trading cards, despite his diminished profile in today’s Marvel Comics line.

It’s worth noting, however, that even though Captain Britain can fly at the speed of sound, he really shouldn’t travel too far. Unlike pretty much every other superhero, Captain Britain’s powers are based on his proximity to the United Kingdom. The farther away he gets from the isle, the more his powers diminish. Captain Britain discovered this during a mission with Excalibur to Manhattan, which saw his abilities start to dwindle the longer he was away from home.

BANSHEE

Like Captain Britain, the veteran X-Man codenamed Banshee can also fly at the speed of sound. In addition to his unique history as a police officer, Interpol agent and brainwashed criminal, Sean Cassidy also distinguishes himself on this list because of the way he flies. While a lot of the other heroes — excluding Cannonball — are able to silently glide through the air, Banshee’s flight is propelled by the sonic scream he emits through his mutant vocal cords. In order for Sean to take flight, he has to scream.

Of course, with decades of experience under his “X” belt, Banshee learned how to glide along on top of a frequency that human ears couldn’t detect. It’s that exact kind of resourcefulness that Banshee imparted to his students in the ’90s series, “Generation X.” Unfortunately, for the more recent generations of young mutants, Banshee’s not been around to show them the ropes. He’s been missing in action for years.

ARCHANGEL

Archangel is another member of the “speed of sound” club, thanks to his consistent 5 speed rankings on these cards. Yes, that club would theoretically involve Captain Britain, Banshee and Archangel flying alongside each other at the speed of sound while chatting (except Banshee, who needs his voice to fly). Warren Worthington III was only able to reach the speed of sound club because of the biological and mechanical upgrades he received from the super villain Apocalypse.

Those upgrades came at a cost. Previously, Archangel was known as Angel and possessed feathered wings. After those wings were amputated following a battle with the Marauders, Apocalypse swooped in and gave the suicidal Warren new wings — ones that came with a darker, more intense personality and skin draped in shadow. Warren eventually grew accustomed to his new wings, only to have them change back and forth from metallic to feathered multiple times as the result of further mutations.

THANOS

There are certain areas where Thanos’ power is indisputable. The Mad Titan’s strength and intelligence are both more than formidable, making him one of the toughest and most cunning beings in the Marvel Universe. As one of Marvel’s extraterrestrial characters, he’s also faster than a lot of Earth’s heroes — but how much faster is up for debate.

Thanos’ “Marvel Universe II” card gives him a 7 ranking, the fastest there is. Subsequent sets downgrade him from traveling at light speed (7) to just supersonic speeds (6). Then there’s the constant outlier, 1995’s “Marvel Metal” set, which gives Thanos a 3 (superhuman, around 115 miles per hour). Thanos can travel as fast as a sports car or light speed — you know, somewhere in there. Thanos averages out to between the speed of sound and supersonic, which sounds about right. Really, Thanos can kill heroes in any number of ways already. He doesn’t need to also be super fast to get his evil deeds done. It just helps.

WAR MACHINE

At this point in the list, we’re hitting the upper echelon of machine-assisted flight. The cosmic Nova suit got the New Warrior to subsonic speeds and Apocalypse’s Celestial tech upgraded Archangel to the speed of sound. Now get ready to learn what Stark Tech suits can do. First up is War Machine, the armor piloted by James “Rhodey” Rhodes. This armor can travel anywhere between the speed of sound (770 miles per hour) up to supersonic speeds, between Mach 2 to Mach 4.6. That means War Machine, a suit of armor just bigger than a person, can travel faster than the real world SR-71 Blackbird jet.

Just to prove a point made in the previous entry, War Machine’s speed didn’t stop Thanos from defeating him in battle during 2016’s “Civi War II.” The two characters, back-to-back on this list of speedsters, met in battle and Thanos emerged victorious. One deadly, powerful punch from Thanos destroyed the Stark armor and cost Rhodey his life.

IRON MAN

When it comes to suits of armor, it looks like Stark Tech is remarkably consistent — at least when it comes to speed. Both Iron Man and War Machine’s suits are capable of traveling at supersonic speeds, earning them all 6s (and one lone 5) in their speed rankings. Of course, Iron Man ranks higher because he was featured in more trading card sets and, therefore, got a few more 6s under his iron belt.

The Iron Man suits are basically wearable fighter jets, equipped with life support tech, defenses and even more firepower. That makes anyone wearing one of these suits formidable, especially if they know what they’re doing. War Machine and Iron Man’s suits represent the fastest any Marvel hero — at least the ones featured in these ’90s trading card sets — could travel without the help of cosmic or mythological assistance. Tony Stark would no doubt be proud of that fact, although he’d probably try to figure out how to outpace the members of this list’s top five.

PHOENIX (RACHEL SUMMERS)

The power of the Phoenix knows no limitations. The cosmic entity took on the form of a mortal, Jean Grey, and allied itself with the X-Men for the period of time that it believed itself to actually be Jean Grey. Of course that stint with the X-Men ended notoriously, as the Phoenix became corrupted by its absolute power and destroyed an inhabited solar system. So yeah, if a cosmic entity has the power to destroy a sun, odds are it’s also pretty fast. After all, you have to travel to that distant sun in order to suck in its energy.

Dark Phoenix earned a 7 speed (light speed) in its one card appearance. This entry, however, focuses on Rachel Grey, the mutant host of a section of the Phoenix power who served as a member of Excalibur. While the Phoenix Force’s powers were ever so slightly limited at the time, Rachel Grey was still remarkably fast. On average, Rachel could travel the cosmos at supersonic speeds thanks to the Phoenix Force.

THOR

Iron Man definitely wants to figure out a way to upgrade his armor to outrun Thor, no question. As the fastest of the mainstay Avengers, the Asgardian god of thunder is able to travel at near light speed (which is around 186,000 miles per second). We say “near” because Thor’s streak of 7 rankings was upset by his “Marvel Metal” card, which gave him a 6. But that’s all right — as long as Thor can fly circles around Tony Stark, it’s all good.

We also have to point out that Thor doesn’t even fly at light speed — he gets pulled at light speed. In order to soar through the air, Thor actually hurls his Asgardian hammer Mjolnir and then gets pulled along either by the hammer’s strap or holding on to its handle. The reason Thor is one of the fastest beings in the Marvel Universe is actually because he’s also one of the strongest beings in the Marvel Universe.

GALACTUS

Like Thor, Galactus also enjoyed a streak of 7s, interrupted by one lone 6 for speed, which landed him in the top four instead of being at the top of this list. As the devourer of worlds, though, Galactus is plenty powerful enough as it is. This being, older than the current universe, is a massive cosmic force of nature that sustains itself by consuming the life and energy of planets — inhabited or not.

Galactus’ fortunes have recently turned around, however. He still possesses his immense power, but he recently underwent a transformation and become the Lifebringer. In the pages of “Ultimates” and “Ultimates2,” Galactus now uses his abilities to restore life to the planets he once destroyed, thus changing up the natural order of the entire universe. That didn’t sit too well with some of the other cosmic beings, who killed the Living Tribunal (a one-hit-trading-card-wonder with a 7 speed) for allowing Galactus to continue to serve in his new role.

QUASAR

As former Protector of the Universe, the human Wendell Vaughn took on cosmic-level power once he came to possess the Quantum Bands. This interstellar artifact gifted Wendell with a number of out-of-this-world abilities, including powerful energy blasts, cosmic awareness and super speed. As Quasar, Wendell was able to travel at light speed, no questions asked. The guy has nothing but 7s when it comes to speed.

Wendell’s not the only person to wield the bands’ power. Captain Mar-Vell’s daughter Phyla-Vell briefly took on the mantle of Quasar as well, which she earned during a battle with Annihilus and his Annihilation Wave. Most recently, the S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent Avril Kincaid claimed the Quantum Bands. Vaughn currently acts as Kincaid’s new mentor, teaching her how to properly use the powerful accessories — ones that allow her to be tuned-in with the entirety of the universe and travel across it faster than light.

Adam Warlock

Adam Warlock has a lot going on. Yes, he was created by Earth scientists to be the perfect artificial being, but he emerged from their experiments more perfect and powerful than they ever could have imagined. He was then modified by the mad scientist known as the High Evolutionary and began a stint as the champion of Counter-Earth. He soon came to possess the Soul Gem, one of the highly powerful Infinity Gems, and began a quest across the cosmos to stop Thanos from achieving his mad desires. Along the way, he has gone on numerous adventures that have changed the very nature of his being, including numerous deaths and rebirths that have left him more and more powerful than possibly any other being in existence.

Seriously, dude’s got a lot of powers. In addition to his many, many abilities, Adam Warlock is also able to travel at light speed with great ease, moving so fast that some have wondered if he’s actually a secret teleporter.

Silver Surfer

Before we get to Silver Surfer, let’s address the elephant in the list: Quicksilver isn’t on this list. Yes, the Marvel character defined by being a speedster isn’t on the speedster list. That’s because, curiously, Quicksilver only ever earned 4s on these trading cards, meaning he can only run between 250 to 500 miles per hour. That’s makes him sit just below Rogue, who got a 5 in the “Marvel Metal” set. Seriously, Quicksilver comes in at #16, which we agree is kind of nuts.

On to the Number One speedster! If you’re going to fulfill the job of herald of Galactus, then you’ve gotta be fast. Galactus himself is super fast, and the job of a herald is to, you know, get there first. Silver Surfer fulfills that requirement easily. This alien-turned-all-powerful-cosmic-crusader glides on his silver surfboard at the speed of light, ensuring that he arrives just in time to give planets a heads-up that the devourer is on the way. The Surfer left his gig with Galactus long ago, becoming a hero in his own right and establishing an identity for himself.

What do you think of Marvel’s speed ratings? Hurry over to the comments and let us know!

The post The Fastest Marvel Characters (Based On Trading Cards) appeared first on CBR.com.

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