#and they wouldn’t let T get anywhere near the kids cuz they know they might be his as well

[husbandohunter]

Stardew Impact [Genshin+Stardew Valley/xReader]

Part 1/3 Kaeya, Diluc

Synopsis: “A mysterious phenomenon brought you and your s/o to an unfamiliar world: Pelican Town! Without the power of Visions, the two of you begin to learn the life of what it takes to be...a farmer?”

(DOMESTIC FARM LIFE YIP YIP)

Coming soon...

Albedo and Childe

Zhongli and Xiao

(A/N): So the brainrot was real in this one. I planned to add Albedo for a Mondstadt edition but kinda went overboard so I gotta split this one into parts too. Wordcount_almost 2k spspspsp

______________________________________________________

Diluc

• Already has the whole year planned in his head. Literally if Diluc were to play this game, he'd have a booming farm within year ONE. Calm and collected through and through, though the new environment raises alot of questions, as long as you were still with him, Diluc ain't complaining

• The town welcomes you two with open arms. It was all thanks to the attire. Diluc wore his usual dark coat adorned with regal gold while you had a dress made of Liyue's finest silk, one that he bought for you. Needless to stay both of you reeked the aura of rich aristocrats (Mayor Lewis is pleased that greedy bastard)

• Once the farm was permitted to your owndership, Diluc began to think of ways to turn it into a vineyard. He was a businessman afterall. Although the staff back at the Dawn Winery were the ones who tended the field, Diluc still knew a few things about planting due to his childhood days Master Crepus would bring him out to their yard and demonstrated the process of gardening. He still remembers those days clearly, doing the very same this moment with you.

• Occasionally works at the Saloon bar. It was the perfect opportunity. As you took care of the farm side, Diluc continues to look for more ways to increase the income while gathering information from the folks around town. Gus LOVES to have him over, like he's just so efficient and reliable! They soon become good friends saying if Diluc were ever to own a wine stock, he would gladly buy from him.

• This is why Diluc would stay a little later due to just chatting with the people from the bar. One time you walked into the Saloon only to the front desk with Emily alone. Turns out the others were in the other room, too busy playing a game of pool. You decided to leave him be since it was rare to have Diluc so relaxed in leisure activities. Thus in the end, you spent your time chatting with Emily until a whole hour has passed before your lover notices and apologizes for losing track of time.

• Everything felt like a dream because it was his dream. To live a life undisturbed from chaos, his duties and the dangers that lurk in Teyvat, Diluc grew fond of the domesticity. There was nothing he loved more than to spend his hours by your side, day after day, returning home to your freshly handmade meals.

• Spring: Already up and early planting the parnersnips (I'm very soft for gardener Diluc you see). What do you expect from a workaholic? Even during his leisure time you would often find him near some plant as he does consider this hobby quite therapeutic. But when it rains, Diluc would be standing beside you with an arm around your shoulder, smiling contently as you lean into his touch. He gazes through the dripping window and silently admires the current progress you both made on the farm.

• Between the two annual spring festivities, I would say the flower dance. Diluc is a private man and would prefer to take things where no eyes were on sight. But with a little bit of nudging from Gus (your wingman), he gives in and leads you to the center stage. Elegant. Graceful. The way you two moved together became the talk of the event. Though, Diluc was already used to people staring by now, all he needed to do was to ignore them and keep his focus on you.

• Summer: No blankets in bed. Nope, its bloody hot in Pelican Town. He tends to stay indoors or anywhere with shade, in other words, his work hours in the Saloon increased.

• Diluc always has a nice cold drink prepared for you if by any chance you were to pay a visit after a whole day of labour. It's a habit he's made subconciously as if it would be a natural occurance for you to enter the door. His colleagues would ask him who did he make that drink for? Honestly so cute i cri

• Moments like these remind him of Mondstadt, where he quietly wipes the glasses while listening to you talk. Your voice is soothing. Sun rays peek from the side casting onto the umber tables, reflecting a rich golden light as the radio plays a soft song in the background. It's so peaceful, the town was small hence not many people visited the bar, Diluc came to appreciate this warm privacy (plus no Venti and Kaeya which is a huge pog realization).

• Autumn: Harvest time baby. The kegs are full and the sheds are full of kegs. This season was huge stonks and the house ended up getting an upgrade. Diluc is the type of man who wants to make sure that his spouse wouldn't have to work another day of her life. I reckon this is why he's so ambitious because he wants you to have the best and you deserve the best. (Husband material. Slap a ring on him ladies).

When there was no more work left to do, time would be spend peacefully exploring the woods. While you skipped a few steps ahead as the leaves crunched beneath your feets, Diluc follows slowly from behind. He sees your back but his eyes stares somewhere far beyond whats in front of him: His future. 

It was such a stark contrast to the one he envisioned before. One filled with uncertaintly, blocked by darkness with no silver lining in sight, endlessly wandering as he drags the claymore against the ground. There was never a day in which the Darknight hero wouldn't think of Mondstadt. Leaving the city in the incompetent hands of Ordo Favonious while Abyss Mages continue to lurk fuels him to find a way to return as soon as possible and yet...

"Higher big sis!" Jas tightens her hold on the ropes as you pushed the swing with all your might. She laughs, like a child, it was full of innocence and joy. Later Vincent came in and nugdes you, asking when his turn will come.

"You wanna go too? Alright alright don't worry," waiting for Jas to come down, you lift the boy up so that he was seated safely on the chair, "3..2..1 go!"

He wonders if he could just be a little selfish for once.

• Winter: Best man to have in this season. Every morning Diluc would find himself restricted in movements due to a pair of arms around his waist and legs entangled with yours. Turns out you've been doing it subconciously because he's just so warm (Diluc keeps it lowkey and pretends to sleep longer cuz of it)

~~xx~~

Kaeya

• Haha looks like the portal is gone, guess we'll be stuck forever :)). No kidding Kaeya would be so down to stay here for the rest of his life and the best part is to spend it with you. He doesn't show a shred of concern regarding Teyvat, not like he's easily shaken by events that are abnormal, but you can see that Kaeya is truly and genuinely happy. (You're stunned).

• Oho we also have this marvelous landscape just for the two of us? And a cozy little cabin to go along with it as well? This should be fun~ 

• Of course Kaeya would also know a few things about planting, just the basics since he did grow up with Diluc. When they were kids, Crepus would give each of them their own pots so they can grow their own plants. It eventually became a competitive thing where whoever's plant grows the fastest gets to eat the other person's dessert for a year (no one wins. They end up sabotaging each other which Diluc started first, thinking it'll be funny as a joke).

• You are, and will be going on dates with him. In fact, the amount of dates you two went on increased since then. The townspeople would call you two "lovebirds" since he's practically by your side 24/7. 

• I mean he doesn't have the responsibilities as a Cavalry Captain anymore so what else is there to do?

• Would attend all annual events no matter what season. 

• Evelyn constantly gushes how much of a wonderful pair you and Kaeya make and often is the one who provides Kaeya a fresh bouqet of flowers for him to use as a gift. George on the otherhand just rolled his eyes mumbling something along the lines of "youngsters these days" and "crazy hormones."

• Befriends Pam. Love for beer plus somewhat cynical attitude? They get along real swell! She starts sending some recipes into the mailbox of course saying if yall ever need a hand, let her know.

• Spring: I can see Kaeya be switching back and forth between caring for the farm or taking quests posted on Pierre's bulletin board. He likes to keep things interesting, learning the ways of the new world while also getting to know the people around town.

• Would NOT return Mayor Lewis' shorts in which he found in Marnie's room. It's such high quality blackmail material. Kaeya is currently plotting what is the best way to use it to his advantage.

• He didn't tell you of course.

• Summer: There are no blankets because he is your blanket. Since your cabin was small so was the bed. That's why he has to hold you so that no one falls off when rolling over. Either he hugs you with your nose close to his neck, or your back against his chest while spooning you or holding hands if sleeping on your sides became too much. Yall need a serious house upgrade.

• For some reason Kaeya becomes more energetic in the summer. He lets you rest in the shade while handling the farm work for the time being. If you guys got a pet it would be a cat. Hes the first one to refill their bowl every morning outside.

Another day passes as summer comes to an end, the town’s Mayor invited you and your lover to see the annual Dance Of the Moonlight Jellies. Kaeya being the opportunist was delighted to come along. Locking the door of your house, you follow him down the path and made your way to the beach.

Everyone from town was already gathered by the docks when the sun had disappeared down the horizon. You stood by his side in a space far from the others, watching  the candle boats set off to ride the waves, lighting up a small ray of light for creatures to find. 

“Wow,” your tone almost above a whisper, “If only our friends back home could see this too.”

“Perhaps,” he says. Kaeya slips his fingers into yours and you shot him a curious glance, “But let us enjoy this moment shall we? Just the two of us.”

And there they were. A sea of luminescence radiating colours of brilliant blue with hints of green like a city of laterns floating in a world below. Their image reflects in the star of Kaeya's eyes as he wonders, where would they go? Where would the light lead them? They were so free with nothing to worry, so serene just like the sea and unknowningly, he squeezes your hand. It was a sense for confirmation. One to remind him that this moment was indeed a reality he wishes to keep.

Autumn: Finally a house upgrade and a kitchen!! Because it was harvest season, you guys end up making a set of delicious meals with all the recipes the townspeople gave you. Kaeya can cook since he lived by himself back in Mondstadt. Most of the stuff he learned to make were food that can be accompanied by alcohol though...

• Ahah remember Mayor Lewis' lucky shorts? He found a use for them. It was displayed on the stands during the Stardew Valley Fair (Oh my how did this get here? Must be the wind). Ends up buying a Rarecrow for the farm when Lewis bribes him not to tell this to anyone.

Winter: This was mostly an indoor season for the both of you. With the existence of television, nights would be spent until morning while watching movies at the couch. A blanket drapes around your shoulders as extends to his.  Oh and don't forget the hot chocolate! 

[kingangelosi]

It’s canon!

TrevorXMandy back in Yankton confirmed?😳🤚🏾

[fanatic-author]

Murder Is Not On The Agenda

Rating: T (swearing) Warnings: swearing Category: Gen Fandom: Boku No Hero Academia Relationships: Dabi & Shigaraki & Toga Language: English Words: 2,162 Chapters: 1/1

Summary: Three villains go on an ice cream run in the middle of the night and absolutely nothing goes wrong. Yeah, right.

Read it here on AO3!

“Tomura, I think I’m dying.” Toga moaned where she lay spread out on the couch.  

“Shut the fuck up.” he replied, not even bothering to look at her. He had the electric fan, and everyone else could suck it.

“Tomura.” Dabi whined from his spot on the floor.

“What.”

“I think I’m dying.”  

“Sucks.”

The fact of the matter was, it was nearly 30 degrees and almost 11 o clock at night, which meant it was  hot  with no sign of cooling off anytime soon. And with 7 people sharing a space, it was getting unbearable.

“Shiggy, give me the fan. Kurogiri tell Shiggy it’s my turn with the fan!”

“Eat my ass, bitch.”

Compress was fanning himself with his mask; trench coat, top hat, and even balaclava removed in the intense heat. Spinner was no better, elaborate stain costume stashed somewhere not on his body in favor of as little clothing as possible. When questioned about why a  reptile  which was typically cold blooded had to  cool off , they were met with double fingers and a grumbled “I’m human underneath the scales.”  

The one probably faring the worst of all of them was Twice. He refused to take off his mask, and as such was gently being prodded by Kurogiri to periodically suck on ice cubes. The heat didn’t seem to have much an effect on the warper. Perks of being a living cloud, one supposed.  

“Shiggy do somethiiiiiiiiing.” Toga continued whining, one hand fanning herself and the other laying listlessly off the couch.  

“Do something? You want me to do something!? I don’t control the weather Toga! I don’t control the thermostat, or the pressure systems, or the tilt of the earth this time of the year!” he shouted.

“But you can control the tilt the rest of the year?” Dabi quipped, still lying vulnerable on the floor.  

This vulnerability was immediately exploited by Tomura who launched himself across the room to body slam Dabi, a surprised and breathless “OOF” leaving him. The two of them began rolling around the floor, slapping and pinching the other, but they quickly fell apart in the overwhelming heat.  

“I think I would give my left nut for that Todoroki kid’s ice quirk right about now.” Spinner said from his spot near the window, raising many questions regarding reptiles and nuts no one wanted to ask.  

Dabi twitched but it was Toga who said “Man, I bet he can make ice cream whenever he wants!”  

“That sounds like a hassle.” replied Spinner.

“What?”

“Making ice cream. Way easier to go buy some.”  

“How?”  

Dabi, Tomura, and Spinner all simultaneously replied “Money can be exchanged for goods and services.” Compress pinched his nose. Twice groaned in overheating agony.  

“Maybe you should participate in our stimulating economy” Kurogiri said “and fetch the rest of us some ice cream.”

“You don’t even feel the heat.” retorted Tomura, but Toga and Dabi had already gotten to their feet, and compress was rifling through his wallet for what bills he had on hand.  

“Get me an ice cream, none of that popsicle crap.” He said, giving Tomura the cash.  

“Screw you.”

In the end it was only Tomura, Dabi, and Toga going because Twice was still too hot, Spinner argued he’d attract too much attention, and Compress was paying. Kurogiri made them walk because he was an ass, according to Tomura.  

“We would attract so much attention if we warped to the 7-11 in the middle of the night.” Dabi pointed out “Like, they would call All Might out of retirement just to beat our ass.”  

“I’d take him.” Tomura deadpanned.  

“If you saw All Might’s emaciated form, you’d piss your pants running.”  

It had been like this for the last fifteen minutes they’d spent walking in the muggy heat to nearest 24-hour convenience store, which when you were hiding from any and all levels of law enforcement, was not anywhere near where they lived. Whenever the conversation seemed to slow down, Toga interjected with just enough barb to get the argument rolling again.  

“Fuck, marry, kill: All Might, Endeavor, Hawks”  

“Kill all 3.” Tomura replied.  

Toga stuck out her tongue at him “You’re no fun. Dabi?”

“Kill Endeavor, fuck Hawks, marry All Might. He’d treat me right.”  

Toga swooned “Oh he would, wouldn’t he? Always coughing up blood...”  

Tomura murmured “freak” under his breath, with only a teaspoon of malice. The three of them entered 7-11, identities hidden from the cameras (and prone to panicking cashiers) under face masks.

“Cuz this isn’t suspicious as all hell” Dabi muttered under his breath “Spinner should have had to come.”  

The argument had been made that either spinner should have to come or Dabi should be allowed to stay, but Kurogiri insisted on adult supervision for the other 2, no matter Tomura was probably the oldest of the three of them, but he didn’t count because he was Tomura. Dabi had that kind of face that one would assume is older than it actually was, probably because of the horrific scar tissue.  

The three of them gathered around the cooler, bills in hand, staring down the various cool treats.  

“This is all gonna be melted by the time we get back anyway.” Toga pointed out.  

Tomura said “Well the rest of them should have thought of that before giving us their money. Just grab whatever you want.” He proceeded to do so, plucking ice cream cones and popsicles from their icy shelves. Dabi wandered over to the slushy machine.  

Toga grabbed a misshapen SpongeBob popsicle for herself, Tomura despite knowing it was a waste had grabbed three ice creams and one popsicle (for compress), Dabi was currently filling an extra-large slushy. None of the 3 paid particularly close attention to the overhead door bell jingling.  

They  did  however, begin paying attention at the obnoxious voices that had made their way inside.  

“Alright! Uraraka you are on candy duty, Kirishima! Retrieve the slushies! Midoriya, here is the ice cream list, and I shall get chips! Does everyone else have their lists? Reconvene here once you have gotten everything, or close alternatives if the first option is not available!”  

There were various sounds of assent and agreement, which were largely missed by the two villains, too busy shitting their pants.  

“What? How?” Toga whispered, already dropped to a crouch behind the cooler.  

“I don’t know! Shut up!” Tomura hissed back, crouched behind Toga., the various treats shoved in his pockets. He had no qualms using her as a meat shield if spotted.

“Where’s Dabi?”

“He went to the slushy machine.”  

They both peered around the cooler to look where Dabi had gone. Where’d he’d standing instead sat a lone, spilt, extra-large slushy.  

“Oh my god they killed Dabi.” Toga whispered.  

Tomura nodded in agreement “Well, let’s cut our losses and get out of here.”  

“Man, fuck you guys.”  

Both Tomura and Toga shrieked as Dabi came up behind them, and then immediately shushed the other. Unfortunately for the three villains hiding behind an ice cream cooler in a 7-11 in the middle of the night, stealth was not their forte. Quite frankly, not much was.  

A nearby voice, rapidly getting louder, asked “Did you guys hear that?”  

Neither of the three villains waited for their nemesis, one Midoriya Izuku aka the second coming of All Might himself to find them. Toga dashed to hide behind the shelves of snacks in the center of the store. Tomura and Dabi weighed their options, but the prospect of getting blown through a wall at Mach 3 had them quickly following.  

Toga stood crouched in the beef jerky aisle, with the sound of The Uglier Sonic only one aisle over.

“We. Need. To. Get. Out. Of. Here.” Tomura bit, out as quietly as possible.  

“I vote we use Toga as bait.”  

“ Hey!”  

Tomura shushed them both, all three of them listening to see if their conversation had attracted any unwanted attention.  

“... and 3 bags of sour cream and onion, one of ketchup, and one of... Excuse me, Midoriya? Do you happen to know of the flavor “Chungus?” Kaminari requested a big bag of... why are you laughing?”  

Dabi looked like he was going to have a stroke trying to contain his laughter.  

“I love those stupid kids.” he said.  

“Yeah, that’s why we’re trying to kill them.” Toga agreed.  

Dabi looked to Tomura “So what’s the plan, boss? Light, and run?”  

He shook his head “No, no way. I’m not dealing with these snot-nosed brats today. I just want to go home, and bitch about the heat some more. Murder was not, and is still not, on the agenda.”  

Dabi carefully extinguished the blue flame in his hand “Ok, but we still need a way out.”  

“Alright, boy wonder is at the ice cream cooler, Dwayne Johnson is at the slushy machine, Glinda is grabbing candy 3 aisles over, and we’re less than 2 feet from a speeding bullet. Anything in our way between us and the door?”  

“No.” Dabi answered, right as Toga said “Yes.”  

“What?”  

Wordlessly she pointed, and there standing just outside the door was the worst one yet. Their homeroom teacher. Of course the kids couldn’t just go anywhere they liked off campus in the middle of the night, they had to be accompanied. He was probably making sure no one got in the store to hurt them.  

“If this was an assassination attempt, we’d be killing it right now.” Dabi said.  

Toga said “Ha. Pun.”  

Tomura wanted to pull his hair out “We’re never this successful when we’re actually trying, what gives?”  

The three of them put their heads together.  

“Think they’ll give me a nicer cell if I sell you two out?” Dabi had a hand on his chin in contemplation.

Tomura hit him.  

“I think stabbing is a viable solution.”

“I think one or more heroes is going to be scraping you off their knuckles if you try.”

“What if we got you to a wall? Make us a hole, then make a run for it?”  

Tomura nodded “I could do it.”  

The three of them began creeping towards the far end of the aisle, closest to an outer wall, when a large yelp, and a crashing sound made the three of them jump. Toga actually startled so hard she hit the shelf behind her, making a frankly impressive amount of noise considering. Thankfully it was drowned out by the sounds of alarm coming from the other occupants of the store.  

“Ow...”  

“Kirishima! are you alright?”  

“Yeah, I slipped in some...”  

“I’m coming!”  

Then there was the familiar sound of engines revving, and then a  very  impressive crashing sound, followed by two pained cries this time.  

“Dude, why?” one groaned.  

“I apologize, I did not see the slushy on the ground.” The other moaned.  

The front door bell chimed rather aggressively as the front door slammed open, a very menacing aura entering that had each person in that store reconsidering every decision that brought them there in that moment.  

“What. Is. Going. On. Here?” A gruff voice asked, belonging none other than to one pissed off Eraserhead, a voice every villain in the league was familiar with by this point. It usually precluded getting your ass kicked.

All the students gathered around their fallen friends and began clamoring to explain themselves at once, voices shouting and pointing out facts and telling wildly outlandish tales of sabotage slushies on the ground. The volume of the group rose and rose as each member tried to talk over the other.  

“Well that was easy. See ya, suckers.” Dabi said, dashing from his point of cover and out the door.  

Toga quickly followed, and Tomura hesitated but as the group remained quite thoroughly distracted, he soon followed as well. No one inside noticed the three villains taking off in to the night.  

“Holy shit!” Toga laughed outrageously, now several blocks from the convenience store, and lavishing in her nearly lost freedom. She jumped off the sidewalk, running around with her arms spread in malicious joy.  

“Just so you guys know, I wouldn’t have actually sold you out for a better cell. Just so we’re clear.”  

“Shut up while you’re ahead, Dabi”

Toga howled in joy “and I didn’t even have to pay for my ice cream!” She pulled out her SpongeBob popsicle, ripping the wrapper off to expose the misshapen face that was supposedly a cartoon character. She plopped it in her mouth with a satisfied hum.  

“Oh my god.” Tomura stuck his own hands in his pockets, pulling out the treats he’d shoved in there when this all began.  

“Oh, hell yeah!” Dabi plucked one of the packaged ice cream cones from his hand. Tomura didn’t even fight him for it, ripping open his own ice cream treat and digging in.  

He couldn’t help chuckling “Those heroes helped us rob a convenience store.”  

Dabi nodded “This is the best day of my life.”  

[choerryhype]

vampires! norenmin au

so basically, all three of them are vampires, but jeno is half demon

because his mom is a demon and his dad is a vamp so… yeah

and like, they met when they were kids, because tiny injun wanted to summon a demon

because he heard one of his older cousins say that they were cool, so he went to the park and drew an invocation circle with chalk

and jeno was looking at him, so ofc he pointed out everything that was wrong with renjun´s invocation

and the kid almost cried, but jeno told him that he could come play with his mom if he really wanted to meet a demon

and jaemin was just a playing alone nearby, but he wanted to play with the demon too

so that´s how they became friends

but when they got to jeno´s house they were extremely scolded by his parents, because the whole vampire thing is like,,, TOP SECRET and they were saying that to each other without knowing their nature

good thing is that the three of them were vampires so they didn´t have to kill anybody

well they grew up

and all three of them became REALLY handsome but we already know that

so of course, girls start getting interested in them

but like, every time they hear that they get jealous between themselves

and like, jeno had this one girl that was OBSESSED with him, and jae and ren just  h a t e d  her SO much

so whenever they would hear her talking about their boy (because super hearing; vampires, remember?) they would get extremely mad

also it kinda happens that renjun is the only one who gets mad like a normal person

because when jeno gets mad, his pupils become vertical, since he gets closer to his demon side or wathever

but when jaemin gets mad, he cries

and one day, jeno and renjun find him crying his eyes out in the bathroom

and he's yanking the tears away as if he didn't want them because HOLY SHIT he can't really get mad about that

and when renjun asks what's wrong jamein just goes

"because you're not mine, not you, not jeno, and she can still have you"

and jeno wants to snap that girl's neck right then and there

but renjun can't let him go out with demon eyes because they would get discovered

and the whole vampires and demons stuff is top secret, remember?

so he simply holds onto his sleeve

and while he holds jeno he wipes away jaemin's tears and asks

"what on earth made you believe that we're not yours?"

because anyone would be blind if they didn't notice that those three have something going on by now

but jaems needed reassurance, so they stay in the bathroom for the rest of the day kissing his cheeks and telling him how much they love him

so one day they decided among themselves to just let her know jeno was taken

so jaemin simply kissed his cheek and waved goodbye, because he did not share that class with him and jun

but renjun wouldn´t settle with a kiss on the cheek, so he kissed jeno near the mouth to mark territory

and that´s just kinda how they became what they are know

because they don´t call themselves “boyfriends”, they simply call themselves “theirs”

and everyone in school knows that, so nobody gushes about them anymore

also since jeno is half demon he can´t drink human blood

because he gets sick from his tummy

so he can only drink blood from magical beings like other vampires, demons, witches, elfs and faries

so he normally took blood from his parents

and like, when he was little he would only take blood from his mom cuz he was one of those ultra attached kids

so he would always bite her shoulder or her arm

and afterwards she'd give him candy and pat him on the head

and jeno's dad tried to make him drink from him insted but of course jeno disn't cuz he felt that his dad was trying to take attention from his mom away from him

so for like eight years he only took blood from his mom

but as he grew older he got kinda shy about it so now he only drinks from his dad's wrist

but there was this one time where his dad had to travel for work so, naturally, he had to drink from his mom

but instead he just avoided her because he didn't want to, and he thought he was strong enough to wait for his dad

of course he wasn't

so one day they were just kinda,,,, kissing and he was so hungry and jaemin smelled SO GOOD

so he bit him

and then he cried because

"i am so sorry nana but my dad's not around and- you know i can't take from my mom- she wouldn't mind but-"

and he was just sobbing so much and even though jun and nana found it hilarious they spent the rest of the afternoon taking care of their gigant baby

so know jeno drinks from them

but he is still super shy to ask for blood

so whenever he's hungry he just goes to either of them and puts his finger on their neck like a little kid and is like

"can i have some?" while standing there like a todler

and while junnie only pulls down the collar of whatever shirt he's wearing jaemin finds it absolutely a d o r a b l e

so he always coos at how cute jeno is whenever he needs blood

and like... with time the both picked up habits for when jeno is drinking

renjun plays with his hair becuase normally he is in jeno's lap since it would be uncomfortable to bend down for so long due to the height difference

but with jaemin they are normally standing up

so nana just hugs him with one of those bear hugs of his

and when he's done jaemin will peck his lips and kiss his nose and his face because

"jeno-ssi you're so cute"

and jen just gives him the brightest eye smile, even if sometimes it has blood in it

also all three of them are really inocent, despite what they might look like

so SOMETIMES they will do things that are considered kinda,,,,,,, hot, among humans

for example, for about a year junnie had this habbit that whenever jeno or jaemin would hug him, he would always hide his face on their necks

but that was not the problem, of course it was not

the thing is, junnie would start to pepper kisses all over their necks, and that is still fine, BUT (and there's a huge but) he would also start to lick and nib on them

because cute little renjun wanted to mark his territory

and none of them saw anything wrong with it, so they would simply let him do so

and ren would do it the whole time they held him, whether it was five seconds or three hours

so jaemin and jeno always had marks on their necks, which looked pretty much like sǝx marks

intense sǝx marks

and they would just leave them there because nobody ever told them anything

but because they hugged renjun constantly, the marks never faded away

in fact, it just looked like they had more of them

and everyone in school always thought the boys were wildin'

but they were also so confused cuz renjun never had hickeys

so in the end they got called to the counselor's office

and she gave them the longest talk about sǝx

and when she finished they were all so embarassed that they couldn't even explain

so jun no longer kisses their necks, only on r e a l l y special ocasions

like their birthdays and stuff

or when he is extremely clingey

also, they have specific nicknames for each other, since it would be confusing to say "honey" and have to pairs of eyes look at you

so jeno is baby, and sometimes dotori

nana is love

and jun is honey, because during the time he had his hair blone they felt it looked like honey (imagine we young renjun)

jaemin loves wearing their hoodies to school

so poor jeno and renjun don't have anything to cover themselves with anymore

but its ok cuz they're vampires

but still, they want their sweaters back

so once, they sneaked into nana's house to retrive them

jaemin didn't talk to them for a week

and everyone in school was keeping up with the drama because "H O L Y SHIT those three have never fought"

so jeno settled with jackets and renjun is just always cold

but he gets snuggles so that's okay

also jaemin is SO the type to kiss them anywhere

and renjun gets kinda shy but he loves it

jeno will only give them forehead kisses in public, a l o t of forehead kisses

also, jeno will always piggy back ride both of them

because renjun really likes it and then of course jaemin wants a piggy back ride too

so jen takes both of them on his back, and even though he complains they're too heavy, he always does it with the hugest grin in his face

and whenever halloween arrives, you know renjun's gonna loose it

because he LIVES to dress up his boyfriends

jeno is always a demon, because duh

but somehow every year he looks different, like you can still figure out his costume but it looks nothing like the one from the past year

with jaemin it's a little bit harder

but renjun really likes to dress him up as movie characters

as for him, he likes to dress up as historical characters

and they always go treak or treating and get lots of candy because of how good their costumes are

they were really happy when they finally graduated school

their families made them a special dinner and everything

and they traveled to injun's hometown as a celebration a few days later

and even though they are still very young vampires, they know they want to spend their eternity together

and that's really cute, they are really cute

[snowyfrostshadows]

Easier Said

“I wouldn’t call your bet stupid…”

“Oh yeah?” Matthews shot him a look that was half glare, half resignation. “What would you call getting Captain Grif to give me an honest to god compliment within the next twenty four hours?”

Bitters couldn’t help wincing slightly at his friend’s phrasing.

“….hopeless.”

“-And when I win, you have to not only admit how lazy your Captain is, but you have to tell my Captain how awesome and cool he is to his face.”

Matthews’ face darkened as he actually stood up to lean over the still sitting Palamo. “Fine.” He practically snarled, ‘But when I win, you have to tell your Captain that you’ll be taking relationship advice from mine since he gets more action in a week than yours has in his entire life.“

Palomo stared slack-jawed up at Matthews, reply clearly lost at the normally reserved and polite private’s ruthless terms. To be fair, the only one not staring at Matthews was Bitters, who was taking advantage of his friend’s glare fest at the other lieutenant to swipe his drink and downing it. If Matthews was at the point of picking fights, then any more alcohol in his system would probably kill him.

“I-you-Fine!” Palomo sputtered out. “Not that it matters, cuz the chances of you winning are slim to none!”

Matthews’ expression somehow managed to darken even more. “We’ll see about that.”

And with that, Matthews spun on his heel and left the mess hall, not even bothering to wait for a response from Palamo.

Bitters sighed. He should have known better than letting Palamo sit anywhere near them. Green Team’s lieutenant had a habit of annoying just about everyone around him. It really had been too much to hope that Matthews would somehow be immune to him.

“We win, I get your dessert rations for a month.”

“Wha-?”

Not bothering to wait for a full reply, Bitters also got up and left. Like a true maverick.

By the time he caught up to Matthews in their shared room, his friend was already passed out in his bed.

The responsible thing would be to wake him up and make sure that Matthews was actually aware of what exactly he’d gotten himself entangled in this time and figure out some way of fixing or undoing it. But, Bitters was not in a responsible mood tonight nor did he want to hear Palomo bragging over a ‘easy win’ so soon.

Deciding to just let Matthews wake him up for training in the morning and dealing with it then, Bitters headed for his own bed.

With as early a riser Matthews was, he figured they’d have enough time to figure something out.

                                                          …

Matthews did not wake him up.

In fact, for the first time that he could remember, Bitters got up first.

At least, that’s what he thought until he took a closer look at Matthews and realized the blonde was awake and just staring at the ceiling.

“…Kyle?”

“Mm?”

“…You doing okay?”

“Depends. Did I really get into a shouting match with Palamo that ended in a stupid bet or was that just a nightmare from too much alcohol?”

“No, that bout sums it up.”

Matthews groaned as he covered his face.

“…you could take it back?”

Matthews shot him a dirty look. “And listen to Palamo go on about how great his Captain is and that he feels sooooo bad mine can never measure up?” He snorted. “I’d rather go one on one with Locus than that.”

Bitters gave a small grunt of agreement. Compared to sitting through a three hour spiel from Palamo, anything seemed like a cakewalk.

“So. Any idea on what you’re going to do next?”

“Maybe stay here. Never leave the room. Can’t lose a bet if the other party never sees you again.”

Bitters gave his friend a long look.

“That’s it? That’s your plan?”

Matthews shrugged. 

“Christ Kyle! You can’t be hung-over enough to think that’d actually work?”

“What else am I supposed to do?!” Matthews wailed “I made a stupid bet because Palamo wouldn’t shut the fuck up and drunk me forgot that Captain Grif would rather run laps than give me an actual compliment! I’m not you!”

“He doesn’t exactly compliment me either Kyle.”

“But he made you his lieutenant! That might as well be a compliment!”

Bitters snorted. “He’s also kind of nuts. I can walk right out of training and he’d give me a thumbs up or something.”

“Exactly! He likes you and nothing I do is right! Palamo is never going to let me live this stupid bet down.”

“I wouldn’t call your bet stupid…”

“Oh yeah? And what would you call getting Captain Grif to give me an honest to god compliment within twenty four hours?”

“…hopeless.”

Matthews made a strangled angry sound before turning to face the wall.

Normally that would be the end of the conversation as Bitters waited for his friend to get over himself and bounce back to being his usual annoying, optimistic self but something Matthews had said wouldn’t leave him alone.

'I’m not you��

Which, yeah. Was obvious. Matthews was bit of a kissass to Grif. Bitters couldn’t care less what their Captain thought of him. Matthews was physically incapable of not following an order while Bitters had yet to follow one without dragging his feet first.

But, they weren’t complete opposites.

They both enjoyed the less than strenuous training Gold Team offered. Matthews could be amazingly (and even terrifyingly) protective of his food and even Bitters had some small fraction of respect towards Grif.

The longer Bitters mulled over these facts, the less The Idea seemed absurd. Heck, if they could pull this off, the amount of obnoxious rubbing in Palamo’s face it’d provide was almost (almost) worth more than the other lieutenant’s desserts and hurt pride.

“Hey Kyle.”

“Mrrgh.”

“I know how you can win that bet.”

A small squeak on Matthews’ bed was the only indication Bitters had his friend was listening.

“You can be me.”

Silence, then “The fuck is that supposed to mean Antoine?!”

Bitters released a long suffering sigh. “And to think, everyone thinks you’re the smart one. Simple. We trade armor for the day.”

“……that couldn’t possibly work…could it?”

Bitters shrugged. “I don’t see why not. It’s not like Grif’s ever seen us out of armor before and I think we know one another well enough to impersonate each other for at least a day.”

Matthews frowned. “…what about talking? I’m pretty sure this whole thing would be over once one of us opens our mouths.”

“Easy. You don’t talk, I’ll tell everyone you’ve got a cold or something and I” Bitters shot Matthews a smug grin as he lowered his voice into a rough approximation of his friend’s voice. “Imitate you.”

While not perfect, it was a good enough imitation to pass if you’d only heard Matthews once or twice in passing or if you didn’t care enough to investigate further. Instead of being impressed by this rather amazing secret ability of Bitters’, Matthews looked furious.

“You told me that wasn’t you!”

Oh. Right. He had used that skill before to 'volunteer’ Matthews for extra watches and other boring tasks. Whoops.

“Eh. You would have done that stuff anyway.”

“Well yeah, but only if was actually me volunteering in the first place and not my so called friend setting me up for MORE work!”

Bitters held his hands up in a placating gesture.

“And that was wrong of me and I feel just horrible about that.” Aside from a disbelieving snort, Matthews didn’t interrupt him. Bitters chose to take that as a good sign. “Now, we could either spend the next week arguing over it or put my impressive impersonation skills to good use and go with the plan most likely to end with you rubbing in Palamo’s face how much better our Captain is than his.”

Matthews’ pissed off expression shifted towards a more thoughtful one. Good. He was wavering. Time to pull in the ultimate trump card.

“Think about it Kyle. Compliments from Captain Grif. All. Day.”

And with that, the last of his friend’s resolve crumbled.

“Fine. But if we’re going to pull this off, we have to be at the top of our game. No slacking, Bitters.” Matthews couldn’t help the smug glee that crept into his voice “As everyone knows, I don’t slack off.”

Maybe. Just maybe, they could win this.

                                                          ….

Grif raised an eyebrow as he watched the last two members of his squad come into training nearly an hour late. Which, wasn’t much of a surprise in Bitters’ case. The lieutenant was a maverick after all. Matthews being late on the other hand was much more shocking. Usually the kissass in training was the first one here, setting things up so Grif wouldn’t have to.

Until today apparently.

“About time you two showed up. I’m actually a little disappointed in you Matthews. Expected more from you.”

Instead of blubbering apologies right then and there like normal, the kid just stared. To be fair, both kids were staring at him, but coming from Bitters, that wasn’t much of a surprise. His lieutenant wasn’t exactly the chatty type in the mornings. But Matthews…

Suddenly, Bitters elbowed Matthews in the side causing him to cough a little.

“Sorry Sir. We uh had a late night drinking. Well I did, Bitters wasn’t feeling well so he retired early and I uuuuh…overslept? But once I realized how late it was, I rushed both of us out here because I’d hate to ever disappoint you Sir!”

Grif glanced over at Bitters for confirmation only to find his lieutenant staring up at the sky, clearly wishing to be anywhere but next to Matthews. Which, Grif could absolutely agree with.

“Aside from the fact that you apparently drink, fine. I’ll forgive your lateness this one time if you promise to never repeat this grave transgression again.”

“Oh of course Sir! Consider this an important lesson learned!”

Cripes. The kid actually saluted at that. Even Bitters thought it was overkill judging by the embarrassed flinch of his shoulders. Normally Bitters had his reactions hidden to a T.

“Whatever Matthews. Bitters, I want you to direct drills while I observe from ov-”

“Aaactually Sir.” Matthews interrupted. Actually interrupted. The hell???? “Bitters can’t talk today. His throat’s super sore from coughing all night.”

Grif stared at the two of them. Between Bitters looking as if he was wishing the ground would open up and swallow him (a fair feeling considering how closely he was standing next to Matthews to be honest) and Matthews rocking on the balls of his feet, something seemed…off.

It was probably nothing, but it couldn’t hurt to keep an eye out for whatever they (most likely just Bitters) were planning.

“…fine. Let everyone know they’ll be doing laps in ten minutes or so.”

Matthews gave him another salute. “Ab-so-lutely Sir! You can count on me!”

As the two of them walked off, Grif could have sworn he heard a groan from Bitters. And while it was good to see some things never changed, Grif couldn’t help wonder if it was proof of Matthews’ claims of the lieutenant being sick. The maybe groan he heard was a tad deeper than he normally heard from Bitters.

                                                           …..

“What the fuck was that Bitters!?” Matthews hissed at him over their private com.

“Uh, me being you? Duh.”

“I do not sound like that!”

“Overly peppy? Practically falling over yourself to please Captain Grif? Saying 'Sir’ every other word? That’s you dude.”

“Is not! I am not that obnoxious sounding!”

“HEY REEDS!”

“What are you doing?!”

“Proving my point.” Bitters muttered before raising his voice to the other solider who looked way too confused at being addressed by 'Matthews’ for Bitters’ liking. For God’s sake, Matthews wasn’t that much of a recluse.

“…yeah?”

“Bitters and I are having a little debate and need help resolving it. Impersonate me.”

Reeds just stared at them. “You want me to…what?”

“Impersonate. Me. God’s sake Reeds, pretend you’re me, it’s not that hard. A fucking Fed could probably do it.”

Beside him, Matthews shook slightly as he held back a laugh. How the nerd wasn’t more popular in their little squad boggled Bitters’ mind sometimes as he actually had a pretty good sense of humor. Ah well, it was their squadron’s loss.

“…I uh. Okay. Um….'Oh wow Captain Grif! You’re sooooooo amazing! I wish I was half as cool as you! Do you want me to draw you up some battle plans? Steal, I mean fetch food for you? I can do both!’ …..do you erm, want me to keep going?”

Bitters snuck a look at Matthews. If they weren’t currently wearing helmets, Bitters was ninety percent positive there’d be an extremely pissed off look on his friend’s face. Making sure he was on their private channel first, he couldn’t resist the urge to rub salt in the wound.  

“What do you think Kyle? Should he keep going?”

“Fuck. Off. Antonine.”

“Hey, be happy I didn’t throw actual money into this thing. You’d be so broke right now.”

Switching his external mic back on, Bitters couldn’t keep a smug tone from leaking into his voice. “Nope, that’ll do it. Thanks a lot Reeds. You were a big help.”

“Uh huh….I’m just….going to finish warming up for training. Over there.” And without another word, Reeds ran off as far as he could from Matthews and Bitters short of actually leaving the training area.  Weirdo.

“…that actually reminds me.”

Bitters did not like how suddenly light Matthews’ voice just got. Considering how pissed he’d sounded ten seconds ago, the easy going-ness he heard now did not promise anything good.

“You should do some warm ups too. The more the better.”

“.. the fuck I am.”

“Oh yes you are~!” God fucking dammit. Matthews was practically singing with glee now. He only did that when he knew he’d just about won an argument.

“Warming up before training is very important so you don’t sprain anything. And well, I just wouldn’t be 'me’ if I didn’t do more than the required amount to make up for being late.”

“…”

“Chop Chop Bitters. Time’s a-wasting.”

“….God I fucking hate you.”

Matthews shrugged. “Your idea man.”

“I should have just left you to mope to death in our room.”

Matthews only reply to that was giving him the finger and walking away.

“Where do you think you’re going?! Matthews? Get the fuck back here!”

“I’m just doing what you do during warm ups. Ditching 'me’ and moving suuuuuper slow. Better pick up the pace Bitters. I think Captain Grif’s heading over.”

                                                        …..

Nearly a half an hour later, Bitters was certain he’d made a huge mistake.

Palamo’s wounded pride and desserts were sooooo not worth giving a 110% percent towards training.

It wasn’t as if Bitters was out of shape or anything. Being in a war and training for it your entire life tended to keep a person relatively fit.

The only exception to that rule being one Captain Grif apparently.

No. What was quickly wearing him out was doing the regular training while ALSO keeping Matthews from being well, Matthews.

To be fair, Matthews was doing a pretty good job at not being his usual kissass self. Mostly.

There had been a few close calls that had required Bitters to 'accidentally’ tackle him. Like now for example.

“OW! I wasn’t even jogging Bitters what the fuck?!”

“My bad. Toootally thought you were there. Would hate it if the whole thing fell apart because Grif accused you, I mean me of suddenly giving a shit about running drills.”

“And you running into me every five seconds won’t!? I do not pay that much attention to you during training!”

“Mmhm. So you do admit you pay attention when I do follow the day’s regime huh?”

Matthews shoved him. Actually shoved him.

“That is not what I meant and you know it!” Matthews shrieked.

“Hey!”

“Shit.” Both teens said at nearly the same time as they watched their commanding officer march towards them.

“I don’t know what you two think you’re doing today, but knock it off or so help me, I will actually expend the effort it takes to separate you!”

For whatever reason, Matthews chose that moment to act like himself. The nerd actually had the audacity to flinch and stiffen his posture at Grif’s threat.

Bitters was going to murder him.

“Matthews.” Bitters said slowly over their private com. “What. The fuck. Was that?”

“Shit.”

“No kidding Sherlock! What were you thinking?! Don’t tell me you honestly can’t bear the thought of us being separated!”

“Oh for God’s sake-Being on opposite sides of the training field would be a god damn blessing! Get over yourself Antoine!” Matthews hissed over the line.

Blitters blinked at that and tried not to acknowledge whatever…feelings…that stirred up. He could do that later, when he didn’t have an image to maintain.

“…okay. What was up with you freezing just now?”

“Palamo’s heading this way.”

“Fuck.”

                                                       ….

Grif was no stranger to being ignored. In fact, being ignored had worked out fairly well for him for the bulk of his military career.

This, however was pushing it.

Aside from a weirdass reaction from Bitters earlier, both kids were ignoring him in favor of a private conversation between the two of them. And he only knew that because Matthews was visibly reacting (albight slightly) to whatever Bitters had said.

Suddenly, Matthews turned to face him.

“Looks like Palamo’s joining us today, Sir.” There was a couple second delay before the 'Sir’. Almost as if Matthews had just tacked on the word last minute. Unsure whether to be concerned or suspicious over that, Grif turned to watch Palamo join his squad for (presumably) the day

Ever since the entirety of Green Team save Palamo died during a mission, Tucker had been shoving the kid off on the other Captains under the guise of 'it’s not fair to just train one kid, how can the poor guy learn the value of teamwork if he doesn’t have a team?’.  

On one hand, Grif was impressed at Tucker’s dedication to skipping out on his one job at the rebel base. On the other hand, however, he was getting real tired of being stuck with the kid whenever Tucker wanted to bother Kimball and Felix for the thousandth time.

Simmons may have set up a very strict 'No-Palamo-Is-Not-Allowed-On-My-Team-Ever-Again-Or-I-Swear-To-God-Tucker-I-Will-Run-You-Over-With-A-Fucking-Tank’ policy, but Caboose was still an option. Amazingly, unlike Tucker, no one had died on his team. And Caboose liked literally everyone. Grif should not have to watch more kids than he already had to.

Grif sighed; heavily regretting putting on his helmet this morning. Visors had a horrible habit of blocking his fingers from rubbing his face in exasperation over the stupid nonsense that was his life.

“Matthews, go greet Palamo and I dunno, run laps with him.”

“Do I have to? Palamo fucking su-”

A hard smack interrupted the rest of the sentence but it was already too late. Grif was staring at them again, suddenly very glad for his helmet. He was 90% sure he’d just lost his usual blank poker face.

Matthews was rubbing the side of his helmet where Bitters had smacked it while (presumably) glaring daggers at the lieutenant. As soon as he realized Grif was staring at him, Matthews’ posture instantly straightened.

“I mean…of course Sir! I would love to…do what you just said! Hanging out with Palamo is just…the…greatest…thing ever…”

“….Are you feeling alright Matthews?”

“Never better Sir!”

“…Uh huh. Just. Go greet Palamo already.”

Matthews gave him the absolute quickest salute he’d ever seen before booking it towards Green Team’s sole member. Grif waited a couple minutes for Matthews to be out of earshot before glancing at Bitters.

“If Matthews shows any more signs of snapping, throw him at Palamo. Maybe then Tucker will quit dumping the kid on me.”

Bitters gave him a stiff nod before following after Matthews.

Grif watched him go. Either something most definitely was going on and both kids were in on it or Matthews was a whole lot more capable of a Simmons level breakdown than first thought.

Either way, today was turning out to be more headache inducing than first thought.

                                                           …..

“ 'I’d mess this up? I’d mess this up?!’ Bitters, what the hell was that just now?!”

Bitters flinched slightly at Matthews’ near hysterical voice over their private com.

"I uh. Forgot to turn my external mic off.”

“…Okaaaay. Why. The fuck. Did you say that in your impersonation of my voice if you thought no one would be able to hear you?!”

“…Force of habit?”

“Bitters!”

“You try yo-yoing between voices and not get mixed up!”

Matthews groaned as he ran a hand over his helmet’s visor. “Fiiiiiine. Thanks to you, Captain Grif thinks I’m like, three seconds away from 'snapping’ and I dunno, murdering Palamo.”

Bitters’ pace slowed as he mulled that comment over in his head. “That…could be considered a compliment if he thinks you could beat Palamo in a fight.”

Matthews snorted. “A well placed rock could take Palamo out.”

Bitters gave a small hum of agreement at that. Palamo was utterly useless in a fight; well, anywhere out in the field to be honest. How he’d lasted this long truly had to be one of life’s great mysteries.

“…-do about Palamo?”

“….What?”

Matthews sighed. “I said, what are we going to do about Palamo? I mean, don’t you think he’s going to notice something’s up?”

“Nah. Palamo’s an idiot. I bet I could speak normally to him and he wouldn’t question it in the slightest.”

“…You’re kidding.”

“Nope. I say we continue as planned and not stress over Palamo being here. Heck, if he’s tagging in on today’s training, we won’t have to track him down later to prove you winning the bet since he’ll be able to witness it first-hand. Win-Win.”

“Mhm. You’re being suspiciously optimistic about this.”

Bitters shrugged. “As much as it pains me, I know Palamo more than I’d ever willingly want to. Which means, I know for a fact we’re fine.”

“If you say so.”

Bitters decided against responding to that as they were within speaking distance with Palamo. Before he could call out to the other lieutenant, Palamo spotted them and quickly closed what little distance had remained between them.

“Heeeey Matthews! I’ve been thinking about our bet and-”

“You’re ready to throw in the towel? Smart.” Bitters quickly interrupted. Granted, that wasn’t something Matthews would ever do, but the sooner he shut down whatever 'idea’ Palamo had about their bet, the better.

Unfortunately, Palamo didn’t seem thrown off by 'Matthews’ being rude. “Haha no. I was thinking since Bitters threw in another demand if you won, I should add another thing too! To keep it fair, you know? So, after a lot of thought, I decided. I win, in addition to telling Captain Tucker how great he is, you’d join Green Team!”

Matthews and Bitters both stared in silent disbelief at Palomo’s, quite frankly, stupid idea.

”…that seems a bit much in exchange for some desserts Palamo.“

Green Team’s sole member shifted slightly. "Not really….I heard from Jenson who heard from Captain Simmons that some ice cream was recently found and it’s supposed to be allotted into our upcoming dessert rations and I’d really like to have some without getting a brain freeze a minute into eating it. Like erm, y'know, last time?”

Bitters blinked behind his visor. Well fuck, how was he supposed to talk them out of that if the New Republic really was getting ice cream again?

“Oh. Is that all?”

Bitters snapped his head to stare at Matthews who was actually speaking through his external mic in the absolute worst impression Bitters had ever heard in his life of his own voice what the fuck?!

“If we get ice cream, you can keep it.”

“Really?”

Matthews shrugged. “Sure. I mean, this’ll be what, the second time in years the New Republic gets that treat?”

Palamo was practically bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Aww thanks Bitters! I knew you were ni-” he froze, suddenly suspicious, probably finally picking up on Matthews’ god awful impersonation of Bitters. “…What’s the catch?”

“No catch. Matthews stays on Gold Team and you keep your ice cream ration. Aaaaand, as a show of good faith that I’m not tricking you, you can have Matthews’ share, regardless of the outcome of the bet.”

Bitters stared at his friend, certain that Matthews maybe had just actually lost his mind. “Are you uh sure about that Bitters? That seems a bit much.”

“I"m sure. Palamo really missed out last time with as big of a brain freeze he had then. I figure, this time should be better.”

“Yeah Matthews. Bitters knows what he’s talking about.”

Matthews gave a small nod. “I do. Sides, everyone knows it’s impossible to get a second brain freeze in your lifetime. Especially if you double the ice cream intake and eat it faster than the first time you had it. Matthews can back me up on this fact right Matthews?”

Bitters smirked as realization at what Matthews was doing finally hit him. The guy could be downright diabolical when the mood struck him to be. “Oh absolutely Bitters! It’s a well documented fact proven by numerous studies!”

'Matthews’ confirming his friend’s claims seemed to be enough to convince Palamo. Bitters couldn’t help thanking whatever God existed that the other lieutenant was such an idiot. It made him annoying as fuck, but it did have its’ perks.

Now that their pre-emptive petty revenge had been taken care, Bitters eyed Palamo curiously.

“Why would you even want Ma-me on Green Team anyway?”

Palamo anxiously rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh. No reason.”

Bitters gave him the flattest, most pointed look he could while wearing a helmet. Palamo, for once in his life, got the hint.

“Fine. I was just trying to rebuild Green Team.”

“…Starting with Matthews.”

Matthews’ impersonation skills were utter garbage but the way he deadpaned that statement so flawlessly gave Bitters some hope that his friend might one day stop giving a shit about every little thing.

Palamo shrugged. “Sorta. I figured he’d be the easiest to convince to join Green Team.”

“….You do realize that’s never going to happen right?”

“Well, not with Matthews obviously but-”

“No one is going to join a team where ninety percent of its members died during their first and only mission.”

Bitters quickly stifled a snort under some fake coughs. “Sorry,” he threw in another fake cough at Palamo’s suspicious look. “Helmet’s been acting up today.”

Instead of dropping it and moving on to say a different topic like any normal, rational person would, Palamo, the weirdo, perked up.

“Oh! I can probably fix it! I used to help Rodgers with his helmet all the time!”

Bitters took a step back. “No it’s uh fine. I can do it later.”

“Don’t be stupid. It’ll only take me like a minute to figure out.”

To Matthews’ credit, he didn’t just stand around to watch their whole plan fall apart. He put in a valiant effort in trying to hold Palamo back from getting anywhere close to Bitters or at the very least focusing his attention elsewhere.

Unfortunately for both of them, Green Team’s lieutenant could be fairly single-minded on things. One minute Matthews had a decent grasp on Palamo’s shoulder and was pulling him away and the next, he got a rather painful jab in the gut from one of his captive’s elbows.

Taking full advantage of the sudden momentum no longer being held provided, Palamo basically tackled Bitters and took off his helmet.

“God Matthews, was that so ha…” Palamo trailed off as the realization of Bitters being in Matthews’ armor and not Matthews settled over him.

Slowly, as if in a daze, Palamo looked between the two Gold Team members.

“…You dirty fucking cheaters.”

Bitters gave him a small shrug. “We were just stacking our odds to better our chances.”

“That is the literal definition of cheating!”

“It absolutely is not! Matthews, back me up here.”

Matthews hesitated just long enough for Palamo to take full advantage of and turn things back in his favor. “Ha! Told you!”

Bitters rolled his eyes. “Whatever. What are you going to do? Consider the bet forfeit?”

"When I’m basically winning? Hahahahaha No. I’m thinking letting your Captain know you two switched places for the day. Can’t imagine he’d be too happy with that fact you know? He might even have you guys removed from his team!”

Bitters snorted at that. He highly doubted Grif would even be slightly annoyed at his and Matthews’ failed gambit let alone mad enough to kick them off Gold Team. That shit required paperwork, and Grif did not do paperwork.

Unfortunately, Matthews, the idiot, fell for Palamo’s bluff hook, line, and sinker and panicked. And, as Matthews often did when panicked, he did something stupid. Which, in this case, was 'tackle Palamo with no follow-up plan or thought to possible future consequences’.

Bitters sighed as he moved to pull his dumbass friend out of what was quickly turning into an actual fight. Well, he would have if Palamo didn’t punch his still unhelmeted face because SOMEONE thought it’d be a fantastic idea to just toss the thing after stealing it.

Bitters stumbled back rubbing his sore jaw, thankful nothing seemed broken.

The responsible and Matthews-esque thing to do would be to suck it up and go right back in there and break up the fight. But metal on flesh really fucking hurt and honestly, fuck Palamo,

Just as Bitters was really about to get into the fight himself, somebody grabbed him by the back of his armor and pulled him back with enough force that he nearly landed flat on his ass. Bitters just barely managed to get his bearings back in order in time to witness Captain Grif of all people pull Matthews and Palamo apart.

“What. The fuck. Is going on here?”

Silence met him. If Bitters had to guess why, it’d be because all three of them were having trouble processing the fact of Grif doing anything remotely solider-y.

Grif sighed as he turned to face Bitters. “Matthews. Tell me what happened.”

“Nothing Sir. Just a uh, small disagreement but nothing major. We were actually on our way back to training.”

“Training’s over.”

Whatever retort Bitters thought he could use died on his lips at Grif’s nonchalant tone. Surprisingly, Palamo was the first to pull himself together enough to continue the conversation.

“I just got here! Training can’t be over already!”

Grif shrugged. “Funny thing. When two lieutenants and Matthews of all people start ducking it out in the middle of the training field, it turns out no one wants to run laps and would rather watch the fight.” Grif’s voice hardened. “So again. What happened?”

Again, none of them answered him. Grif sighed. “Alright. We’ll take this elsewhere then. I am not standing around in the sun in full body armor while you three play the quiet game. Follow me.”

Grif led them to the main building on base and the first room with chairs.

“Sit down; helmets off.”

Bitters took the seat between Matthews and Palamo. It didn’t take a genius to figure out Grif wanted their helmets off so they couldn’t talk privately with each other to figure out a plausible story and to make them crack faster.

Honestly though, Bitters wasn’t too worried about Matthews. As long as he didn’t look at or make direct eye contact with anyone, the guy actually had a pretty decent poker face. Add in the fact of Grif thinking he was Bitters, who wasn’t known for sharing anything if he didn’t want to share; chances were good he’d be ignored.

Which just left Palamo. Who was probably two minutes away from ruining everything unless Bitters could somehow discreetly knock him out without Grif noticing.

“Uuuuuh Captain Grif Sir?”

Or Palamo could just ruin everything now.

“Yes, Palamo?”

Green Team’s lieutenant eyed the members of Gold Team curiously.  

“Aren’t you going to say anything about Matthews and Bitters wearing each other’s armor?”

“….They’re what?”

For one glorious moment, there was pure, utter silence. And then, unsurprisingly, Palamo broke it. Laughing so hard Bitters was surprised he didn’t fall out of his chair.

“Seriously?” Palamo leaned forward to get a better look at Matthews. “Captain Grif doesn’t know what you look like? My Captain does.”

Bitters shot a look at Matthews. He was just barely holding his poker face together, but judging by the tenseness of his jaw, he was about one word away from doing something stupid. Again.

Bitters jabbed Palamo in the side hard enough to turn the other teen’s snickers into wheezes for air. “Excuse us for not wanting a stray bullet to catch us unaware or did you forget what happened to General Stone?”

“…huh.”

Belatedly, Bitters realized he’d just used his regular voice, effectively outing himself and Matthews. He might have been more upset over that if not for the fact of the current rate on how badly things were going, it was going to come out eventually. Better now than Palamo somehow twisting everything later.

Grif’s gaze bounced between his two soldiers.  "….mind telling my why you two switched armor?“

Before Bitters could even attempt a bullshit excuse, Matthews surprisingly spoke up first.

"It was a bet Sir.”

“…a bet.”

Matthews nodded. “Yes Sir. Bitters bet I couldn’t be lazy and I bet he couldn’t keep up with training.”

“Uh huh. And that made you trade armor why?”

Matthews paused for a second at that. “We…decided that you’d be the best impartial judge and thought if we wore our regular armor, you’d…end our bet before it could even begin?”

Grif nodded like that made sense. “And Palamo?”

Matthews’ voice hardened slightly “He was sticking his nose where it didn’t belong.”

Palamo made to object to that, but Bitters quickly stomped on his foot, amazingly without Grif noticing.

“Huh. Alright. Nice job Matthews. Didn’t think you had it in you to be lazy, so color me impressed. Try to apply that to training more. Bitters, I’m disappointed in you man. Thought you’d be better at faking effort. Palamo. Mind your own fucking business next time. I think that covers everything. You’re all dismissed or whatever. Do not bother me for the rest of the day.”

As soon as Grif was out of the room, Bitters threw a smug look at Palamo, who short of being sick, couldn’t possibly look any paler than he did now.

“Did you hear that Palamo? Captain Grif just complimented Matthews twice.”

Palamo gave him a shaky nod. “I did.”

Bitters’ voice turned smug. “Which means Matthews won the bet. Hey Matthews! When do you want-shit.”

While Palamo looked sick from nerves, Matthews was slumped in his chair like he’d just been shot.

Bitters shot the other lieutenant another look. “I’ll contact you later over the helmet radio to let you know when you can fulfill your end of the bet.” He couldn’t resist a smirk. “Enjoy the rest of your day Pal.”

Palamo groaned, something Bitters elected to ignore in favor of helping his friend to his feet.

“C'mon Kyle. This is just sad.” He muttered low enough that Palamo wouldn’t be able to overhear.

“Captain Grif complimented me. Me!”

“Mmhm. He sure did. Good going there buddy.”

Matthews’ awestruck smile was contagious, it wasn’t long before Bitters was wearing a small, genuine smile as well

“….You wanna know what could have made this better? If I could I have recorded him saying that.”

“Maybe. But not having a recording makes it more…I dunno, special?”

Matthews’ expression softened a little. “Yeah…”

“You know, we could probably record Palamo making a idiot of himself tomorrow in front of Captain Tucker.”

Matthews snorted. “We could.” An excited look crossed his face. “Hey Antoine. When we get back to our room, want to crack into my Victory Food Stash with me?”

Bitters’ grin widened. “Fuck yeah! Don’t even have to ask.”

                                                 ……

The next morning, Grif took his usual seat by Simmons at the Captain’s Table in the mess hall.

He listens juuust long enough to register that Simmons and Tucker are arguing about training stuff before tuning them right the fuck out. It was way too early to be thinking about being a real actual solider in a real actual war and all that entailed in his humble opinion.

Instead. he spent his time scanning the mess hall. Unsurprisingly, it’s still fairly empty as most of the rebels are either getting some much needed rest or out doing more soldierly things like patrols or some crap.

He just barely registers Bitters and Matthews leaning against a nearby wall talking to each other before he notices Palamo making his way towards their table.

Grif can’t help internally groan. The kid might not be on his team or even be looking to talk to him but usually, just the sight of the his lieutenant tends to put Tucker in a bad mood. If Palamo’s starting his kiss-up-ery shtick this early, it’s going to be a looooong day of listening to Tucker’s bitching.

“Uh. Captain Tucker Sir? Can I, uh, talk to you?”

Tucker heaved an overly dramatic sigh. “You already are.”

Palamo squirmed slightly, looking (in Grif’s slightly confused opinion) as if he was as eager to talk to his Captain as Tucker normally was to him. “…right.” The kid took a deep breath, almost as if he was bracing himself. “I. I can no l-longer take relationship advice from you Sir.”

“Fucking finally” Simmons muttered beside him as Tucker stared at his lieutenant as if Palamo had suddenly grown a second head. “Not going to-? Who the hell else around here are you going to get dating advice from!?”

Palamo looked ill. “From C-Captain Grif sin-since he gets more a-action in a-a week than you have i-in your entire life.”

Simmons choked on his coffee while Tucker gave Grif the biggest look of surly betrayal as if he’d been the one to insult him and not a dumbass kid.

Before Grif could even attempt to deny or defect any more accusations, Palamo was talking again.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean it! I still want your advice!”

“Then why the fuck did you say that!?”

“I lost a beeeet!” Palamo wailed.

“To who?”

“…Matthews…”

Tucker stared at Palamo. “You lost. A bet. To Matthews.” Palamo nodded miserably. “How? Matthews should be like, the easiest person to win anything against!”

Grif frowned at that, oddly insulted on the kid’s behalf. Sure, Matthews was an annoying suck up but he wasn’t the worst person on base.

“He uh. He said he could get Captain Grif to compliment him.”

Correction. Matthews was the absolute worst person on base because apparently, the kid had perfected the fine art of bullshitting his way past every single one of his emotional defenses.

Resolutely not meeting Tucker or Simmons’ twin looks of shock, Grif grabbed his glass of orange juice and started downing it in an attempt to buy himself some time.

Thankfully, he didn’t need much time to figure a decent enough-ish comment to get the others to leave him alone. Heck, it might even be good enough to make Tucker actually do his job for at least a day if he was lucky.

With far more nonchalance than he had when he first grabbed it, Grif placed the glass back on the table and gave Tucker his best 'I-couldn’t-care-less’ look.

“Nothing wrong with a little positive reinforcement here and there. You should try it sometime.”

With more ease than he currently felt, Grif got up from the table, grabbed his (mostly) empty tray and disposed of the contents as he left the room; noting that Bitters and Matthews who, no doubt had known exactly what was going to happen earlier were no where to be found. Likely booking it the second Palamo starting crying and taking his (probably) dared comments back.

He was honestly torn.

On one hand, he should probably punish the two of them for making him part of the butt of a joke, even if, Tucker by far had gotten the bigger hit from it. On the other hand though, he couldn’t help being mildly impressed.

Matthews had taken a pretty big gamble and somehow managed to come up on top, Via a lot of overcomplicated work no doubt, but still. It was fairly impressive for the little kissup.

Eh.

He could take his time on this. He was a Captain after all and hell. It might be hilarious to watch the two of them worry over a punishment that might never come.

The day was looking to be off to a good start.

[stopmeifyouvealreadyheardthisone]

History: America’s Greatest Hits

After a brief (and by “brief”, I mean “about 72 hours”) interlude, during which I attempted to figure out what was causing the strange double-tracked drums and vocals, I’m finally back. It turns out that something about the fact that I plugged the turntable into the “mic in” port instead of the “line in” port was causing it to play back twice, with a delay of a few milliseconds between each play. I’m kind of disappointed that ABBA didn’t sound like that all the time, to be honest. 

Tragically, I was attempting to write another post when I noticed that it was time to go to bed. I clicked “save as draft”, but apparently Tumblr requires you to confirm that you want to save your work (shoutout to poor design) after telling it that you wanted to save your work. So when I turned my computer off for the night, I lost the whole post. So let’s pretend that it contained anything worth reading and have a brief moment of wordless animal shrieking to mourn its passing. 

There, didn’t that feel good? Don’t you just feel clean on the inside? Just (he said, shoehorning-it-in-ingly) like the album cover on the outside?

Anyway... on to, I guess, the record. I seem to remember talking shit about California and by extension, Warner Bros. for putting a picture of Burbank on the center label. And the phrase, “Burbank: If You Have to Ask, You Can’t Afford to Live Here”. Because I know very little about California. Burbank in the 70s could be a mine-laden hellscape for all I know. I like that idea better than a paradise, actually. Roving gangs of rival record company executives careening through the streets in armored cars, swerving around bombed-out buildings, taking potshots at anyone with a boombox. 

It’s just what they want you to see! 

The cover has a little brown stain in the corner, but it doesn’t seem to have touched even the inner sleeve, which was a welcome surprise after how warped that ABBA record was. I have hope for this collection again. The vinyl is still in pretty good shape, with a smudged fingerprint or something on it, but no scratches or anything. I don’t know why I’m grading it when I should be listening to it, though. 

There’s really no point in reviewing “A Horse with No Name”. Trying to pretend I’ve never heard it would be impossible. I grew up on classic rock radio, so this song has been part of my life since I was a kid. But for those of you who grew up in Saudi Arabia (i.e. under Iraq), “A Horse with No Name” is a sort of swirly, trippy song. I’m trying to avoid the obvious desert, but this is such a West Coast kind of song that it’s really difficult. It seems to deal with a loss of identity in isolation. 

“I Need You” departs from the parched, wide-open wasteland almost immediately with a lush piano/guitar arrangement and a pretty love song. I’m not sure if it’s become a cliche because of this song, or if it’s been a cliche since Ol’ Billy Shakes was trying to get into womens’ petticoats, but I rather enjoy the mournful chorus: 

“I need you

Like the flower needs the rain

You know, I need you

Guess I’ll start it all again”

I can’t help but feel that it’s excessively literal there, because “You know, I need you/Guess I’ll start it all again/You know, I need you” is the backbone of the entire chorus, repeated so many times that it overshadows the much more interesting lines. 

Up next is a “by special request” song. What does that mean? Did a sick fan send the label a letter begging them to put “Sandman” on the record? Did the band really like this song? It’s certainly not bad. Keeps up the melancholy vibe from “I Need You”, but occasionally dives into jaunty pickin’ sessions. I’m reminded of a cartoon hillbilly who punctuates his stories with lightning-quick banjo rolls instead of spitting tobacco juice. 

You know, because kids might think spitting black slime is cool (spoiler: it totally is. Who do you think was the dinosaur all the kids loved in Jurassic Park? The T. rex? The velociraptor? Fuck no, it’s the one that eats Newman.)

“Ventura Highway” is the first America song I ever heard and bothered to look up. I heard it as a breakbeat remix, which fits the uneasy, shaky rhythm of the song strangely well. I’m just noticing that the entire band seems to be singing, as well as the fact that they make some mention of alligators flying... for some reason... surely nothing to do with California’s role as a hotspot for the American counterculture in the 60s and 70s. They seem to make a precognitive dig at Prince changing his name, as well. 

“Wishin’ on a falling star

Watchin’ for the early train

Sorry boy, but I’ve been hit by 

Purple rain

Aw, come on Joe, you can always

Change your name

Thanks a lot son, just the same.”

Is this album called History, or Prophecy?

“Don’t Cross the River” picks up the pace again, this time with a kind of folksy, bluegrass-y banjo reel courtesy of a one Henry Diltz. Whoever that is, I hope he made a decent chunk of change off of this one, because it wouldn’t be anywhere near as chippper without his pluckin’. I’m noticing that almost all of the tracks on here are credited to different people, with America mostly appearing as “all other instruments”. Was the name America a sort of play on the general population of their instrumental section? 

Another thing I’m noticing looking at the sleeve is that all of these songs were remixed by George Martin. I’m not sure if it’s the George Martin, but if it is, then his version of “Only in Your Heart” makes me wonder how he really felt about the breakup of the Beatles three years earlier. From the plunky piano to the group harmonies to the simple message about sticking with the one you love. Until the song seems to end, and with a slinky guitar dive, it segues into a gorgeously thick electric guitar solo that takes us out of Side 1. 

Something I’m noticing as I slice these recordings up (I’m recording a whole side at a time, then splitting up the tracks all at once) is that the songs on this record flow into each other with almost no gaps. That strikes me as odd for a greatest hits compilation, since the songs were sometimes recorded years apart. Just something odd that I found interesting.

And now for something that made me twitch a little bit. It’s off-center. It’s not properly aligned. It’s on the B-side. And it’s fucking upside-down. Ugh. Come on, Mom. I know it was legal for you to be shitfaced while you were getting ready to head off to college, but don’t embarrass yourself. 

Where to begin with “Muskrat Love”... What the fuck, guys? Honestly, who were you hoping to hide your teenage backseat power ballad from with this shit? At best, this song is about straight-up Discovery Channel animal porn. At worst, it’s... just weird. The singer can’t quite pull off a sexy baby-makin’ croon, and the harmonies just drive home the point that multiple people signed off on the lyrics to this song, and put real effort into the melody, and decided that it would be A-okay to veil the ordinary boy-meets-girl-and-they-bang-in-a-pile-of-hay-or-something romance behind a nature documentary. Bloodhound Gang only pulled it off because they also penned such lyrical epics as “New Vagina” and “Kiss Me Where It Smells Funny”. I’m so bewildered by the inclusion of this song that I missed half of the next one. 

“Tin Man” seems to be a return to sanity. Sort of. I don’t know what it’s talking about, except that the Tin Man got the short end of the stick in The Wizard of Oz. One verse, then two choruses. No solo. I don’t get it.

“Lonely People” might be a return to form. A toe-tapping tragedy for all the broken hearts out there. I’m not sure why they felt the need to go to London to record this one, because apart from losing some of the open, airy, jam-room quality of their earlier songs, I can’t hear much of a difference. Notably, this was produced and arranged from the beginning by George Martin. Perhaps this was his master plan for America: studio perfection.

A different singer comes in to take over lead vocal duties on the next song, a love song about a man desperately hoping to stay out of the dreaded Friend Zone, despite putting almost no effort into his relationship. Better luck next time, unnamed vocalist. Your voice would be better served standing outside “Sister Golden Hair”’s bedroom window than in the studio making a song with literal doo-wops in it. This is another George Martin joint. Produced and arranged. I’m starting to think that maybe George Martin should wait until they’ve recorded the music the way they want before he puts his polished pop hands on it. 

“Flyin’ me back to Memphis

Gotta find my Daisy Jane

Well the summer’s gone

And I hope she’s feelin’ the same

Well I left her just to roam the city

Thinkin’ it would ease the pain

I’m a crazy man and I’m playin’ my crazy game, game.”

You fucked up, man. That was unwise. Now Daisy Jane found another man and you just want her to keep the oven warm for you. Probably so you can put a single solitary bun in it. You wasteful piece of shit. Don’t you know there’s not-really-a-war going on?

The guitars in “Woman Tonight” can only be described in terms of that great classic, “Play That Funky Music”. As in, “they sound like ‘Play That Funky Music’.” There’s some little organ flourishes, but overall, the song is just another 70s bang-anthem. It seems that the gentlemen of America are much better at roamin’ and ramblin’ than they are at romancin’. At least this one has a happy ending. Or, I guess, a happy beginning/middle/end. Cuz it’s about bangin’. Although, reading a bit too far into the lyrics, this sounds like it could be a kind of toxic, jealous relationship. “I get the shivers up and down my spine/The only time I’m happy’s when I know she’s mine. So hold me, hold me tight. Hold me tight, woman tonight.” 

Mr. America, you have nothing to be insecure about. You have long hair, any one of three very snazzy 70s suits, and presumably own this place called Dirt-Pit Manor where you take all the women you bang. I think you can see one of them standing at the window, if I’m not mistaken. She seems to be standing in such a way as to not have full-frontal nudity on the inside sleeve of the album.  

Overall, I think I like America. There were some oddball choices for a Greatest Hits album, but since the oldest song on this record was only four years old at the time of pressing, I don’t think their career had really been long enough to actually warrant a Greatest Hits collection yet. It would be like Lorde doing one. Or Ed Sheeran, to use a more current example. Although, to my knowledge, Ed Sheeran started his career making music like this and then became a sad, ginger Irish cog in the American music factory. Oh, Ed. I think I stand alone in having an improved opinion of you after your Game of Thrones appearance. Because now you’ve been a part of something I enjoy, instead of just a bland, flabby pop song that plays on the radio literally everywhere in the known universe at least once per day. It is in-fucking-escapable. It makes me want to punch holes in infants. I cannot wait until they start promoting another musical equivalent of plain oatmeal so I can get sick of something new for a change.

Anyway... 

Music: chill vibes for long drives/10

Media: Dang it, Mom/10