#and they were evidentially holding my mental health together this week

[night-triumphantt]

Kiara x Yazan

@cashweasel Happy 2 year anniversary to my blorbos of all time, i didnt have time to actually draw but yk what I couldn’t let it go w nothing so.

[amethystiridescence]

Ramblings on a rainy Sunday morning

So I spend most of my mental state in a suspended limbo between “wow, my life is actually so blessed and wonderful, be fucking more grateful bitch” and “NOT GOOD ENOUGH, WORK HARDER YOU FAILURE WITH NO REAL CAREER” - and I know exactly where both of those come from, the latter being from my mother who spends her life bitter she doesn’t have an upper-middle class lifestyle and as a result thinks anyone who doesn’t have an high education and “worthwhile careers” are lazy and useless and don’t try hard enough. And the former comes from the people I’ve grown up around who are agog at this type of constant dissatisfaction when I actually am very lucky to be in a living/financial situation much better than so many others. Needless to say, its a headache at least. Its 24/7 overactive and exhaustive anxiety at its finest because I go between thinking that I’m thankless or useless and always 100% punishing myself for it. Its also self-absorption af but I knew that because being self-absorbed is one of my worst defining traits and although I try as hard as I can to be self-aware and try to reign it in, its always been part of me ashamedly and it can make me incredibly tactless.

So recently I’ve been given an incredible opportunity after working towards it for over 3 years. Its a 2 month scholarship offer at a school in Hollywood over in America and I’m so astounded I’m actually going in 5 days time at the end of February. I’ve been working hard to prepare for it since I got the offer in June, and that included getting my visa obviously. Now when I was instructed to get my visa by the school officer, I didn’t get any kind of information about what the visa system was like or what to expect. I was just told to take my passport and a few bits of paperwork and just pay the £125 for the appointment and go to the US embassy and it’d just presumably go through no problem. But it didn’t work out like that. After a 2 minute interview, I got denied. It was actually under a very common cause of denial for my visa category, a lack of evidential intent to return home after completion of my studies, and since I’m only 27 and don’t have kids, am unmarried and certainly don’t own my own home as well as being self-employed, it was a no-go. However, upon reading up on all this, I was terrified - because I wouldn’t be able to change most of these circumstances for my re-application, and that could be the end of it and I’d never be able to take this scholarship after years of hard work and months of excitement plus I’d lose thousands in cash. Plus my denial was just before Christmas and so the embassy shut for two weeks, and then it turns out the US embassy in London was moving addresses for the FIRST time in over 50 years and as a result, all their appointments were backed up and I wouldn’t be able to get a re-application appointment until less than a month before I was due to start my scholarship. Oh and it also cost another £125 for the next appointment. So I had over 6 weeks of agonizing waiting for the next appointment, having no clue what the outcome of the next one would be, endlessly scrolling through tons of pages on the internet trying to find advice and tips on what to do in my situation, and nearly all of them saying the same thing “the interview is based on first-impressions, is very subjective, very rarely paperwork is considered, and the decision made is final and cannot be appealed if you get denied - there is no guaranteed formula to ensure you get a visa”. I’d already borrowed and spent thousands on the classroom insurance fees, the classroom materials I needed, my flights and accommodation - which I had to book early before my visa got approved because prices were soaring up the longer I waited. Waiting and not knowing with so much hope and money on the line was the worst kind of limbo and I was living in a state of emotional hysteria or spacing out so badly that my boyfriend would have to repeat himself several times a week. I could barely eat. I lost weight. My period was 10x more painful and heavier and was two days late despite being on a pill that makes it run like clockwork. I had the taste of blood in my mouth most days. I scratched the skin of my shoulders and arms raw. My libido all but vanished. I took so many beta blockers. I cried every few days. It turned into a whirlwind of occupying myself with as many useless tasks as possible, making lists of making lists. On days I wasn’t working and being yelled at by my boss, I was constantly wandering the house looking for pointless tasks to do even though I had a commission I was supposed to be doing - because I wanted instantaneous results from ticking off things for the sake of feeling like I was doing something productive. I got snappy and controlling towards my boyfriend and our housemate. I got inwardly bitter and started thinking nasty thoughts toward other people in my life, thinking dark horrid things like “they think they’re having a bad time, they don’t know the meaning of bad” or “they wouldn’t know hard work if it hit them in the face”. I became a dreadful person consumed by worry and anger. One very annoying thing is that I actually got the visa approval with absolutely no issues at the appointment when it finally came around, but I was so wound up it took me a week or so to actually relax and wait for my brain to kick in like “dude, its okay, you can chill now, its all over”. And holy shit life has been the best its been since I finally got the visa approval. My best friend was there waiting for me after the visa appointment and bought me a new big suitcase to take to Hollywood, and my mum caught me on the train platform as I was taking the train back home later that evening and gave me flowers and wine to say congratulations. My birthday was 4 days later and I had so many wonderful people around me all through the long weekend, I went to a Harry Potter bar for lunch, I went out dancing, I had friends over for a girls evening where we ate way too much awesome food (my boyfriend made fresh brownies), we had a roast dinner with my boyfriends family, I got some birthday money towards going to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter when I go to Los Angeles, and two birthday cakes! I also sold my first full commission to a client and he loved it and I’ll be opening my own Etsy shop when I get home to help pay back the money I’ve borrowed for the scholarship. My mum got me a fresh set of business cards and a few vest tops and embroidered patches of my logo so I’ll look professional when I go to classes. I’ve been stretching and working out every morning. I’m staying hydrated af. I’ve been having long baths. My suitcases are almost packed. My boyfriend and I are in a really strong and secure place together - god I love him so much, he is so supportive and always isn’t afraid to remind me what is right and what is wrong and keep my feet on the ground and my arms around him. I also have loving friends and I’m getting closer to new friends which I’m really grateful for. I guess the whole point of this post is just for me to reflect on what I should take away from the last few months. To tell myself that whilst yes, it was just a scholarship, not a matter of life or death, it was OK to be worried because it was a huge dream on the line with a lot of money invested. But it wasn’t OK to take it out on people or disregard that other people also have problems in their lives. And that I need to stop holding myself and other people to impossible life-standards. I often place myself in a bubble when I’m self-absorbed and neglect those around me. And I’m asking people to call me out and pop the bubble when that happens. I’m sorry if I took it out on you and I understand if you’re mad at me. Plus holy shit, stuff like this makes you realise that being able to sit in the sun and drink tea slowly every now and then is a privilege and a gift, and the main lesson I need to remember which will help keep my friendships happy, my relationships secure and my physical and mental health strong is: I need to chill the fuck out way more often.