#and they took eachother seriously so they became fast friends as they finally found someone who would truly listen to them

[awkwardspontaneity]

The heavenly Sword and the "Ballad of the Goddess" prompted me to another request. How would the Champions from Botw react to the fact that the reader is a goddess, and she is Hylia's sister. She owns the precious triforce, which passed to her long ago after the death of Hailya as an inheritance. Thank you again ( ╹ ▽ ╹ )

Heyo!! Sorry this took me so long school and work has been a lot lately. Anyways this is a joint headcannon for the Champions as a whole so enjoy!!

I'm gonna make this an age of calamity timeline sort of because some things will change with you around

First of all, you were a wandering goddess, helping out where you could without using your full power. Without the Triforces power you were strong but you preferred to allow humanity to solve their own problems. With a little heavenly guidance

Your main power that you used was music. You could play a melody on your flute and it would guide a person's soul, helping them to understand their desires and purpose.

With calamity rising once again you decided to investigate the castle where you knew Ganon would strike. What you weren't prepared for was the organization of the Champions to be in the castle and for the princess to notice you.

You had snuck to the lowest levels of the castle with your little egg friend to try and place a seal that would hold Ganon back as long as you could when you felt her.

This girl looked so much like your beloved sister, but the aura told you all you needed to know. This was her. Your sister reincarnated once again

Behind her stood a member of each kingdom scattered across Hyrule. You easily connected them as the elite guard you had heard whispers of.

It took some convincing but with a show of your powers and carefully sharing your aura with Zelda, although you had to approach like they were scared animals when faced with the protective circle around the princess.

Zelda was the first to trust you, although your little guardian may have seriously helped with the process. You allowed her to spend all the time she wanted with it and you got to know eachother.

Zelda confessed to you about her struggles with her powers and you declared you would do everything in your power to help unlock hers.

It took time but you managed to help her learn. It came down to her accepting a lot of emotions she had pushed down and finally allowing herself to be free of expectations. Yeah. Not an easy task. But you managed to help her feel confident and your efforts were greatly appreciated by her and the ones who cared for her.

In the beginning you would have to play your flute to allow her to find that inner harmony and then she could use her powers of light

Urbosa was someone who came around pretty fast. She has this mom instinct and despite you being thousands of years older her brain saw you and Zelda giggling as you did research in the fields and her brain went ah yes. Another child to take care of.

She also has a really good judge of character and do she knew immediately you only had the best intentions.

Mipha loved to hear your stories. You once found her talking to Vah Rutah and you mentioned that her ancestor Ruto would be proud of the Champion she became. Mipha asked to hear about stories and you gladly obliged with her wishes. Telling her all about the young Zora sage and how she had fallen in love with the hero too.

Mipha saw you as a mentor person and you would share your knowledge of her kind and you would help her perfect her ability with her trident. With your help she learned to defend against any attack and to carry that confidence into her life outside of battle.

Revali was a tricky one to get close to. He didn't trust you and the closer you got to the other the more he came to resent your presence. It wasn't until he found you atop Hebra peaks playing the flute when he finally allowed himself to get close.

The Rito are a musical people, not that Revali would ever allow others to witness his incredible prowess (yes that's a quote). But seeing you nestled in the snow playing that melody, each snowflake twirling around you as if by your command. He understood why everyone was so in awe of you.

Soon enough, Revali would meet you in the highest peaks of the Hebra mountains to play together. He would confess how he wished he could do more than play the side character but you would remind him that without his assistance Link and Zelda would never be able to defeat Ganon. His role was not small or unimportant nor was he.

Daruk may have been the easiest to befriend. You visited Death mountain and there was a rockslide. You punched one of the rocks splitting it into pieces and the big man was your new bestie.

Not to mention that super spicy marinade for a tasty rock made him know you were as stand up as they come

Honestly you and Daruk could be a dangerous combination. Super powerful dirty meets indestructible shield. You once blasted his shield with you powers and sent him bouncing down the mountain. He was fine but you were both banned from hanging out without supervision.

Link was one person who could not be that supervision. He tried his best to be the stoic hero everyone expected of him but if you three were alone together, the brain cells ran away fast.

To be fair it was a great combination in battle. You could use stasis on Daruk and Link would hit him as hard as he could creating a meteor of mass destruction barreling into your enemies.

After a battle you all would have a camp out where you and Link would work perfectly together to whip up something mouth watering. You had millions of recipes from your time wandering and just as many stories to tell around the fire.

It took time and convincing, but you managed to get each champion to bring along an instrument and play through the night. Sometimes Daruk would get a little crazy with a drum solo or Revali would get snarky if he felt like he was being stared at but eventually you would all relax. You would lead a melody and they would all fall into step bringing forth a tube that could bring a year to your eye or convince you to dance.

It wasn't long before Ganon came forth, malice reaching out across the land and taking hold of guardians and Divine Beats alike

Using the power of the Triforce you placed protection on each of the Champions. They would be unable to die until the sun rises

With your divine blessings and the power of the Triforce you were able to grant the Champions a boost on their strength and powers. You focused all you had on protecting them from injury and fatigue.

Unfortunately the sun would rise soon

With the help of your little Guardian you tapped into the warp pads on each Divine Beast and teleported yourself, Link, and Zelda to them.

Each battle was draining on your powers, you had extended you halo of protection to all of Hyrule. No citizen would die while you were watching over them.

Finally the Champions we're ready to face Ganon. Together you and Zelda merged you powers to trap him in a bubble of light. The Champions locked the Divine Beasts onto the beast and blasted him. You forced him into his beastly pig form where Link and Zelda together could finish the battle

Powered by the Guardians blasts you created a gate around the fight keeping him contained. Using your flute, you played a rythm to confuse Ganon.

With the Master sword and the bow of light, Ganon was finally defeated.

Hyrule was saved and you were finally done with your goal. You giggled as your egg teleported the Champions together to celebrate.

You were tired from the long battle but happy nonetheless. As you watched the Champions celebrate- even Revali grudgingly allowed Daruk to ruffle his feathers- you smiled. You thought of your sister as you watched over her creations and you knew she would be proud.

[draconicks]

Eyeball Chambers x Male Reader

TW: Blood Mention, Slight NSFW, Cheating Mentions, and Hurt/Comfort

He had a secret crush on you for about two solid years, and he watched you enviously, you doing the same. You both shooting eachother blushing looks and brief, tiny smiles. You both thought about eachother frequently, but it wasn't obvious to those around you.

Ace had been suspicious on how Eyeball acted around you though. He noticed how Eyeball would stop what he was doing and would watch your every step, his eyes traveling hungrily up and down your figure. Ace had figured he had some sort of beef with you,,,

But he never asked any questions.

When he finally gathered the courage to ask you out, to which you said yes to, he wasn't touching you as much as he wanted to.

However in private, he would hold you on top of him and he would gently rake his fingers up your spine, feeling you shudder against him.

You both also linked arms often and you would stroke eachother's wrists, gripping tightly at times, and other times you both would randomly kiss eachother's hands.

Also, dating Eyeball means you have to join their gang, The Cobras, no matter how many times you expressed your anxieties and your worries.

You were, of course, reluctant at first, because I mean, they were gonna carve a fucking word into your arm but he cooed to you and told you that it would be fine <33

He said that if it made you feel any better, he would do it himself so that way none of the other guys could accidentally mess up or something :))

But the real reason why was because he knew he would get antsy and jealous because another guy was touching you ASHSHLMAOK

On the drive to the field where they were gonna finally make you one of them, he taunted you all the way there on how you were "shaking like a leaf"

When you both got there, he grabbed one of the razors and when you started releasing shaky breaths, he kneeled into your ear and whispered as low as possible, "It's only gonna hurt for a little while, baby." winking swiftly at you blushing.

The guys weren't paying attention to what was going on between you two, but again, Ace was all eyes, his icy diamonds slanted in suspicion and his mouth pressed in a firm line.

He had never seen either of you with girls before, and he also had never seen you guys act the way you were now. So, he had a few thoughts running in his mind, but neither of you guys,,, "𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘨𝘢𝘺" as Ace had put it mentally.

Eyeball, however, had made sure to do the cutting fast and not too deep. The last thing he ever wanted to do was seriously hurt you, so when put the razor down that was coated in blood, he took his shirt off and handed it to you

But, if the guys weren't around, he would have wrapped it around your arm for you and kiss you deeply in reassurance as a way to remind you that the hard part was over and done with.

After handing you his shirt, he told you how to keep it clean and how to let it heal correctly, with ofc, Ace telling you both in a not so nice tone to get a room :)

After you guys then left together, and when you finally got home, he gripped your waist, his lips latched molding onto yours and his fingers tugging onto ur jean loops, grinding his hips against yours.

You giggled into the kiss, swatting his hands away and then told him that your parents were in the other room, so he had to be extra careful.

He then responded by growling into your neck and holding you as close as possible against him, his face buried into the crook of your neck

He is 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 very possessive in your relationship ngl

He isn't one for really leaving marks on you to let others know that you belong to someone, but instead he would kiss you when you were both somewhere private and he would give a "reminder" (wink wonk)

Everything would go pretty smoothly for the first several months,,, but then he wasn't seeing you as much for some reason. It didnt bother you at much, but he wasnt returning your calls, nor was he telling you where you were going.

You became an anxious mess and you were calling him everyday! Until,,, one day,,, you found out from someone that he was seen messing around with some girls, which left you stunned

This then led to you not answering your home phone, and you laying in bed, not leaving your room :(

You were beyond heartbroken, and you felt a deep betrayal, but then you reminded yourself that he was just some thug after all and that was all thugs were good for, was for breaking hearts and taking people for granted.

One day though, you woke up to someone banging loudly on your front door, and when u angrily swung it open, your heart dropped to your stomach.

Eyeball stood there impatiently, and his hair was a mop of fluff and wasnt slicked back like how it usually was. Your eyes watered and you felt a strong lump form in your throat at the sight of him.

A moment of silence passed between you two and he then sighed, "I didn't cheat on you, baby. Me and the others were just out getting drunk and fooling around, alright?" a pause, "Besides, you know that I'm not into girls."

At that moment, you bursted into tears and threw yourself around him, and then waddled you both into your house and kicked the door shut behind him before pulling his head back and kissing your lips hard.

His hands traveled down to the back of your thighs and he then picked you up, wrapping your legs around his waist, as his hands then moved up your shirt, kneeding your skin slightly, causing you to pull back from the kiss.

"Do you promise me? I mean, do you 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 promise that you would never cheat on me?" you asked him, your eyes boring into his.

He furrowed his eyebrows and his scar turned downward, tugging his features into a slight frown/pout, "Yes. I promise you until the day we marry, baby."

Afterwards, you both became more affectionate and some changes were made in your relationship.

You both would call eachother often, if not daily, and you both would start spending more time with the Cobras and not just one on one (they were all getting v v suspicious then)

But, besides that, you both remained happy :) and you would remind him to take it easy on Gordie and his friends, to which he would roll his eyes playfully at you.

On a more serious note though, he actually did start taking it a lot more easy, and he even 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱𝘦𝘥 Vern one day, to which he boasted to you, feeling proud of himself for doing something good.

You were changing him into someone good,,,and he liked it,,, :)))

[andimack-crack]

A christ-mack story: Andi Mack

Read part one here

Read part two here

Read part three here

Read part four here

Part five: Locked in for Christmas part 2

[Word count 1682]

"it's about to get really cold in here and no cell service either it's like everything's cut off"

"I...I think the doors locked"

Andi's POV

"Locked we can't be" Buffy shoved past pulling on the handel it was no use.

"How is this happening?" Cyrus stressed

"Bowie's new security system is broken it must of locked us in" I said realising

"Well where's the control panel we can unlock it" Buffy said

"Its broken Bowie has the instruction manule at home we don't know how" I protested

"So where stuck in here on Christmas eve with no electricity" Jonah's breathing became erratic

"Jonah there no need to panic" Cyrus reassured

"There's every need to panic who knows how long we'll be here for before anyone comes to find us" Jonah panicked

"Relax I'll call my parents" I said whipping out my phone only for my face to drop

"Its on 2%" I confessed

"My phone broke last week" Jonah said

"Luckily my phone is working" Buffy said happily but she then looked confused

"No bars" she informed

"Let me try" Cyrus tapped his phone "I don't have bars either"

"Cell service is cut off as well" Jonah said

"We're gonna die in here" Cyrus said dramatically flopping on the couch

"No we're not our parents will realise were missing and come looking for us" I said

"But we never told them where were going just that we'd be back before 6 so they wouldn't disturb us" Buffy said

"Okay Jonah now you can panic" I huffed. I checked my watch

Time: 6:00pm

Looks like we'll be here for a while.

*******

T.J's POV

"Have you seen Buffy?" Marty said.

I was walking home from work when Marty quickly ran up next to me.

"No not today" I responded

"Oh she's not answering my calls but it's probably a good thing" he said

"Why you avoiding her?"

"No but I haven't got her a good Christmas gift" he complained

"Dude come on its Christmas eve I know you leave things to the last minute but this is a new low" I scoffed

"No I wanted to go online and book something for us to do together but nothing good or affordable" he said

"Dude it's Buffy take her go-karting or something"

"I want it to be romantic or festive I can take her go-karting anytime" he was right to be fair

"What are you doing for Cyrus?"

"Nothing I got him a gift for Hanukkah he said not to worry about anything else"

"Seriously I would've at least got him like a card" that grabbed my attention

"You think I should've?"

"Its up to you man but maybe Cyrus feels left out that he doesn't get to celebrate like everyone else" he said raising his eyebrows

"Shit I didn't think about that your on we can help eachother" I patted his back

Meanwhile...

Andi's POV

Time: 7:00pm

"I'm hungry" Cyrus whined

"Cy-guy I love you and all but you have the stomach of a baby deer" Jonah said

"I have dinner around this time I can't help it" he said crossing his arms

"Well there's no food plus we didn't eat that long ago are you seriously that hungry? Maybe it's just boredom" Buffy said

"Yes I'm that hungry" Cyrus simply said crossing his arms

"It doesn't matter sooner or later we're gonna need food Jonah your in here half the time is there anything we can eat?" I asked hopefully

"Bowie put in a vending machine" he pointed to the back of the room.

We all piled in front of it eyeing the bottles of water the bags of chips and chocolates and sweets but I groaned we needed coins we only had dollars

"We can't put dollars in" I frowned

"Bowie keeps a key to get into the machine somewhere under the till" Jonah said he went behind the counter and started looking I gasped in disbelief

"Jonah the till" I pointed out

"What about it?" He said not looking up

"The till has coins inside of it" Buffy said

"That's stealing" Cyrus interjected

"I thought you were hungry" I stated 

"Guys now's not the time to be at each others throats" Buffy said standing between us

"Buffys right" Jonah said opening up a bag of chips.

we all looked at him in disbelief again we saw the open vending machine door and charged at it nabbing all the contents.

"Oh yeah I got it open." Jonah smiled

******

Marty's POV

"How about you take her... surfing"

"T.J it's winter and the beach isn't for miles... Maybe you could take Cyrus to a petting zoo" I suggested

"He has a fear of flamingos I don't think it would sit to well with him" he protested

"Dang this harder without Jonahs third braincell" I admitted

"Times getting on anyways I think I better get home before Amber sneaks into my room looking for her present" Tj said checking his phone.

"Alright... still no word from the others" I said also looking at my phone

Weird.

*******

Andi's POV

Time: 9:45pm

Buffy was looking over at some guitars me and Cyrus were laying on the sofa at opposite ends Jonah was excessively cleaning the floor with a rag and lemon scented floor cleaner he had found we were all in silence accept for the sound of Jonah drilling a hole in the floor.

"Jonah why just why?" I said frustrated

"I clean when I'm stressed this is calming for me" he went back to scrubbing.

"Please don't argue" Cyrus said

"It's freezing in here now" Buffy said rubbing her arms up and down.

"Look guys we need to stop complaining it's Christmas eve" Cyrus dug into a box pulling out several candles and some matches "Andi help me light these"

He placed the candles around the room close to us Jonah and Buffy came over to huddle close with us Cyrus took a guitar from the wall handing it to Jonah

"Come on its Christmas we barley get to be together like this no drama no technology let's enjoy it and try to make it festive play us something Jonah" Cyrus encouraged

"Well okay then" he shrugged picking up the guitar.

He started to strum the cords I instantly recognised them closing my eyes and humming along

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Let your heart be light

Next year all our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Make the yuletide gay

Next year all our troubles will be miles away

Once again as in olden days

Happy golden days of yore

Faithful friends who are dear to us

Will be near to us once more

Someday soon we all will be together

If the fates allow

Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow

So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

Jonah's voice and the candles made a really warm calming atmosphere so much so I let my eyes stay closed for a little longer as I drifted off

Time: 11:46pm

I was jolted awake by the sound of rattling at the door. My face lit up thinking someone had arrived finally I saw Buffy, Cyrus and Jonah fast  asleep I got closer to the door seeing a hooded figure grunting trying to pull the door I realised it wasn't someone rescuing us it was someone breaking in. I shook my friends awake quickly

"What now Andi" Buffy groaned

"S-someone's breaking in" I said panicked

"Are you sure?" Cyrus said slowly coming too.

"Yes"

"Oh my god u-um behind the counter" Jonah ordered we all hid

"What do we do?" Buffy quivered in fear

"We um we-" I started

"Set up and elaborate number of traps that will hurt them and one of us can run and get the cops and we need to trick them with a recording of an old movie" we all slowly looked to Jonah

"Are you serious" Cyrus whispered shouted

"Worked in home alone" Jonah shrugged we all shook our heads

"Okay we distract them by yelling and make a break for it" I said

"Okay are we ready?" Cyrus said shakily.

We didn't have time to answer the door opened and we all jumped up screaming and shouting the figure took his hood down to reveal Bowie and Bex trailing behind him we all stopped seeing who it is

"Mom...dad?"

"Yeah why are you shouting?" Bowie said a little intimidated

"We thought you were breaking in" Cyrus said ashamed

"Well these two came and told us you were all in here" Marty and Tj appeared from behind Bex Buffy and Cyrus rushed forward to be engulfed in hugs

"We were walking home and saw the four of you laying asleep we went to Andi's apartment" Marty muffled from Buffy's embrace

"We owe you guys one" Jonah said suddenly Marty and Tj rushed to hug Jonah as they held him in a three person spoon

"Thank god we missed our third brain cell" Marty laughed I turned to my parents

"Did you two make up?" I asked hopeful

"Yes we did sorry for worrying you" Bex apologised

"Its okay I'm glad your happy" I said relieved

"Actually your mom and I have some news" Bowie said putting an arm around Bex

"We're having a baby" she smiled

A-a b-baby? I'm getting a sibling?!" I said joyfully

"Yep I found out a few days ago" Bex beamed with happiness

"Congratulations" Cyrus declared happily

"I'm here to give you pointers on being a sibling if you need it" Tj said pointing finger guns

I took a glance at my watch

Time: 00:01pm

"Guys it's passed midnight" I announced

"Merry Christmas Andiman" Jonah said giving me a side hug.

Merry Christmas.

[love-beautiful-disasterxo-blog]

Mental Health

Mental health is something i personally dont think is taken seriously, i am writing this today to let anyone know dealing with mental illness’s know you are not alone. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, depression and hypochondria and let me tell you it is pure hell. I wasnt dignoased untill i was 27 years old, about 7 months ago now. But i have always had anxiety and panic attacks here and there, but i was always able to control them and my worry. I have always been one to worry about my health and others close to me, but nothing like this. Let me give you alittle back story about myself. Both my parents were addicts my father was a funcontiong alcholic my mother was addicted to well about anything she could get her hands on. My father was always a drinker ever since i could remeber in every old photo we have theres always a beer in his hands. But of course being young i never thought anything of it untill one day him and my mom sat me down and told me he was going to re-hab, i remeber crying beacuse i didnt understand, why was my dad going away? And then they proceded to tell me that my dad needed help. So off my dad went to re-hab for 3 months, and i was left alone to watch my drug addict mother. My mom has very many health problems she has arthrits in every inch of her body she can barley move anymore. So when this first all started she was taking narkos 1000mg, then it turned into oxycottin, morphine, fentna patches, coke pretty much anything she could get her hands on. As this went on we realized my mom was going to multiple diffrent doctors to get pain pills and edventually she got “ red flagged “ whitch pretty much she got caught and then couldnt get any more pain medicine from any doctors in macomb county. So around the time that happned i was having terrible teeth issues, and headaches and i would tell my mom my teeth would hurt.. “ here take this” and it would be a 1000mg narko. when my mom would run out of her pills she would have me go to urgent care to say my teeth hurt and the first time i went they just so happened to give me vicodin. So that started my mom taking me to urgent care to give pills so she could have them. I was young at the time i thought she really needed them, all i seen was my mom in terrible pain !! And then i had to get all 4 of my widsom teeth surgericaly removed at once. So of course they gave me vicodin and i had about 3 reffills on them. I was in so much pain so of course i took them it was terrible !! Well my mom would eaither come into my room when i was sleeping and take some from me or she would come in and ask me for  “ a few “ i think i went thru 30 vicidons in 2 weeks beacuse of her taking them. So that is when i really noticed she had a problem. Fast foward a few months my dad was home from rehab clean,healthy, and happy ! But my mom was on a downward spiral. The first time i have ever seen my mom overdose.... i was upstairs in my room with my best friend at the time and all the sudden my dad was screaming my name ! of course i thought i was introuble ! so i walked down stairs to see my mom face down on the coffe table and my great dain on the other side of her with his head on the coffee table crying, i went into panic mode right away i remeber covering my mouth and starting to cry. My dad looked at me and said “ dont panic call 911 ! “ so i called 911. Before they had gotten there my mom had started to come to, she picked her face off the coffee table and she had busted her face all open. Her eyes were pinned, she had this scary look in her eye. The abulnace got there and of course they started asking her all these queshtions “ what did you take ? “ and she started fighting them...pushing them screaming at them. They asked her “ who is this girl?” and they pointed at me and she looked at me and said “ i dont know who she is.” my heart broke into peices. It was then my dad got out all her pill bottles and began coutning them and seeing when she had gotten them filled and what not. She would get a GIANT bottle of 1000mg narkos a month so i would say about 60 ? If not more. Plus all the other pills she was getting from the other doctors. My dad had someone figured out she had taken at least 4 narkos, 2 oxycottins plus her lyrica. She had overdosed. They finally took her away i remeber walking up to the stretcher crying and saying “ mom please you have to get better you have to come home .” and she just looked at me with this blank stare in her eyes and said nothing. On the way to the hospital she had i think 7 sezuires and some more when they put her in a room. They put her in ICU and put her in lock down beacuse she became viloent. The next day i went and seen her she still had this blank stare in her eyes. But she knew who i was...my mom was strapped downt to her bed beacuse she was trying to rip out everything she was hooked up to. I was about 13 years old ? Could you imagine seeing your mom like that at 13 years old ? So after a week or so they finally let her go home. My dad had locked all her pills in a lock box hide the lock box and he was going to start giving her her pills. Well a few days went by and my mom began searching for the lock box and i guess she had found it and figured out the passcode for it..... i came home from a friends house and there was 2 abluance sitting in front of my house so of course i rush into the house to find my dad,multiple paramedics doing CPR on my mom in her bed. She had overdosed again and actually went into respatory faluire this time. While the EMT was doing CPR my dad was cheaking her body for some reason....well my mom had gotten fenna patches..mind you your only suposse to put ONE on...she had 1 on each of her ankles, 1 on each of her shoulders and one on her chest, and my dad had also found cut up patches in the bathroom she had been sucking the pain medication out of the patches. And to be honest i dont remeber what happend after that. I know they took her to the hospital but that is all i rember. She came home and of course again we all are watching her. And shes walking around the house like nothing ever happned like everything was just fine ! Fast foward a few months things have “ calmed down “ at the house i guess you could say or at least we thought...i came home and my brother told me he went upstairs to check on mom and she had fallen alseep with a ciggarette in her mouth and the bed was starting to catch on fire my brother had to throw a melted bowl of ice cream on it to put it out. She would node off alot. Thats how i leanred how to drive... my mom would fall asleep at the wheel and i would have to drive. I started driving when i was about 13 years old. Around this time my sister was also 9 months pregnat. ( my story is all over the place sorry guys ) BEFORE my sister got pregnat my sister was also a addict and lived with her boyfriend at the time so she wasnt really around for alot of this, but when she was home her and my mom would fight SO BAD i mean fist fight..throw things at eachother and i would have to break it out. Anyways my sister was about to pop ! And she finally had my wonderful, amazing, beautiful niece. All was “ well “ once she was born my sister moved back home my mom was pretty concentrated on the baby. Fast foward a few months... me, my sister, my mom were talking about my niece and how she had started crawling and my mom got this look in her eye and just began to cry and said “ i dont remeber that.” even tho my mom was right there cheering her on and she cralwed. THAT is when my mom decied to go to rehab she didnt want to miss watching her grow up. So she went to this rehab that was actually pretty far away and she stayed there for along time...at that time i was in highschool i had to drop out. I felt like i needed to stay home and help my dad and keep a eye on him as well so he didnt relapse beacuse when he got home from dropping my mom off at rehab he walked into the house and grabbed me and hugged me as he cryed on my shoulders and said “ that was the hardest thing i have ever had to do.” so i was scared he was going to relapse. Now let me just say for the record i was not a good child by all means while all this was going on with my mom and dad i was out drinking every single night partying, and also popping pills. I thought i was just out being a teenage tho yano ! having fun living my life but now i know i was trying to numb the pain, earse these horrible memories. I was hangin out with the wrong people at the wrong time and i got caught stealing from a store... all my “ friends “ i was with bailed on me and left me to get caught. They called my mom she came up to the sore and said “ we can eaither band her from the sore or call the cops.” my mom told them to call the cops.. i was about 16-17 at this time. Cops came the store pressed charges on me. I had to go to court and all that great stuff. Well they were so close to sending me to a juvinal center but my mom and dad were sobbing and i think thats what got me out of that. Instead i got placed on probsation, had to do community service, substance abuse classes and i had a curfew. Mind you summer had JUST BEGAN. So at this time i was so pissed at my mom for making them call the cops yes i know she was trying to teach me a lesson. The first day i was on probation what did i do? I went out and got really really really drunk with friends, I was suposse to be in the house by 6pm every single night. Was i home at 6pm? no. my probation officer would call my house to make sure i was home and she did.... she was calling my phone along with my parents trying to figure out where i was and why i wasnt home. I was to drunk to care. All my frinds knew what was going on and they knew i was suposse to be home so they began trying to talk me into going home. And i just got angry at them beacuse i didnt want to go ! I remeber my one friend telling me “ get in the car we are runnning to the store.” so im like okay! they put me in the back seat and the turned all the child locks on and i quickly knew what was going on...i began screaming and crying and trying to kick out the windows of my friends car. So they finally got me home i was so drunk and angry by the time i got into my house my parents called amblunace to come take me to the hospital beacuse they thought i had alcholo poisning. All i rember is that amblunace coming and that is it. So after a night in the hospital...i think? I came home had to go see my probation officer of course whitch she then put me on house arrest for the rest of the summer. I was so upset and mad !!! ( But i did it to myself ) So my friends and boyfriend at the time would have to come over and sit at my house if they wanted to hangout. IT SUCKED !!!! So over this course of time i became really depressed and started cutting myself. But let me tell you i sure did learn my lesson i never ever again even thought about stealing ever again! Oh and before ALL OF THIS happened ( like i said sorry guys this is all over the place ) i had lost my grandmother when i was about 11 my grandma was my best friend. my grandparents had this beatiful house in lexington and let me tell you we were SPOILED KIDS! I would get so excited to go there to see my grandma, god she was just amazing and beautiful and the sweetest thing in the world !!! My grandma then got sick she had a anyersum whitch caused a stoke. she then lost the ability to speak and movment on parts of her body. After that happened she was in the hospital for a while, she came home and i rember her just having this huge smille on her face and she started talking to me and i couldnt understand what she was trying to say to me... i was heartbroken, scared, confused i didnt understand why she sounded like this? But i just hugged her crying and knodding my head. After a while you could start to understand what she was trying to say. After her stroke she LOVED to hum she would just hum all day long and she was still so happy !!! I can her her beautiful humming till this day. But then grandma had gotten even more sick...cancer. And she passed away. I remeber coming home from my aunts house and everyone was standing in my kitchen my dad, mom, sister, my other two aunts, and my grandpa. I remever feeling excited beacuse i thought “ yay grandma is here !” but everyone was crying... My dad told me to sit down, and my grandpa started to say “ hunny grandma..... and before he could finish i dropped to my knees sobbing. My grandmas death really took a toll on my like i said she was my best friend. Okay so going back again sorry guys ! around the time my mom and dad just got out of rehab, it was about 10pm at night and i was texting a few of my frends they were all together at a frineds house drikning and they wnated me to come over. So i went and asked my mom if they could come pick me up and i rember my mom saying” no ! it so way to late your not leaving !” so of course i got all mad and texted them i couldmt come, And the friend i was texting at the time was all upset beacuse they were on their way to come get me and blah blah blah ! he then texts me and says “ okay well we are going to go to the store instead then.” i remeber texting him back and telling him “ is that a good idea?please be careful and put your seat belt on!” he texted me back “ i will.” So a few hours went back and he wouldnt awnser my texts or pick up his phone. I thought okay maybe they all passed out drunk and went to sleep. so i went to bed. in the morning i woke up to about 28 missed called and about 30 somthing messages from a buncha of people telling me to call them asap ! I went downstairs and on the news was a bad accident a couple of teenagers had wrapped there car around a tree last night. Those couple of teenagers were the ones i was texting the night before... my heart sank i called everyone back that had called me thinking “ no this isnt real ! “ and they had all confirmed that had passed away. A few months had passed and i started getting messages on myspace at the time and texts from random people telling me “ it should have been me in the car, it was my fault they died.” and i totally thought it was my fault they were dead for years. Nowwww fast foward to when i turned 19-20 ? I had met this guy and started hangin out with him alot ! and i am still with him have been for almost 10 years. I moved in with him, his mom and grandma about 6 months into our realshonship. We spent every single day togehter i grew very close with his family. Fast foward about a almost a year we were downstairs watching tv with his mom and grandma like we always did everynight ! And all the sudden his grandma couldnt see out of her left eye, so we rushed her to the hospital come to find out she was having stroke beacuse she had abrain anersuym. So she was suposse to have brain surgery to get it removed a few months after they had found it. She had started to develope demintcha she would think my boyfriend who was 23 at the time was a baby and she would think she would have to go change his dipar. She would ask where my boyfriends dad is all the time and mind you he passed away from lung cancer when my boyfiend was 12. So it was really scary seeing that stuff. Fast foward a couple months the day before her srugery had came ! we were all really nervouis about it of course but not her she was a bad ass. She was just like yeah whatever ! So we all went to bed early beacuse we obvisally had to be up early to go to the hospital the next day. Well we got woken up by my boyfriends mom busting into our room screaming “ shes not waking up she wont get up.” my boyfriend ran downstairs while i sat upstairs trying to comfort his mom, then my boyfriend yelled for me to call 911. At this time we lived in a apartment that was likke a damn bomb shelter so we had no serive in that place. so i grabbed my phone and i ran downstairs to call 911 and there i seen him performing CPR on his grandmother. The ambluance arrived and again tryed bringing her back. But she was gone, she had passed away in her sleep the day before her surgery. As we sat around her body for HOURS waiting for the corner to get there. I think that is when it all started for me... just how fast it can happen like that...one day your here the next your not. That is when my fear of death started. Fast foward to about 2018. My grandma ( my moms mom ) had gotten sick, we all thought it was nothing and she was bounce right back like she always did ! she was a strong itlitan women ! But then we found out she had stage 4 lung cancer. The doctors said she had it for along time and it has taken over her lungs. Mind you my grandma always had a TERRIBLE hacking cough but she had always had that ever since i remebered !!! but that terrible cough was the cancer taking over her lungs. And the only reason she went to the doctors is beacuse she was a having a pain in her back and she was getting really out of breath and thats when they found it. I remeber i was at work when i found out, i texted her and said “ grandma youll get thru this, you have to get thru this i need you !” and she repiled “ dont worry sweetheart ill be just fine.” about a week later my grandma was in hospis. It took that short of time for the cancer to actaully spread to her bones and she got stage 2 bone cancer. One day we were all up there visiting her beacuse we knew she didnt have long and she knew it too.... the preiset came in and read her her last rights. And let me tell you that was the most saddest thing to watch and hear. To just know this man is hear to read me this beacuse i am going to pass away anyday now....after that my grandmother began deterating quickly, she slept 90% of the time, she didnt eat, didnt drink, she couldnt open her eyes. They had her on a 24 hour morphine drip just to keep her comfotable. We were all up there every single day. My mom and aunt would take turns staying the night at the hospital. Till one night my dad and uncle talked them into just coming home and getting some rest and they could go back tomorrow. That night nobody was there my grandma passed away in her sleep at 4am. The doctor said she had been waiting to be left alone so nobody had to be there when it happened. Its been 3 years now since my grandma has been hgone and god damn do i miss her. Now at this time me, my boyfriend and his mom had moved into this old farm house we were renting out from this TERRIBLE lady ! but we had no where to go. This house was fallling apart the windows wouldnt open, the floors were snking in, the foundation was cracking, there was mold in the back room, we had propain heat and this house was NOT ventailed well at al.... like i said it was like a old 70s farm house... and we had well water.  After about a year of living there i became really sad and thats when i noticed my anxiety. The house just didnt feel like home. We were about 30 minutes from the closest store it just sucked. and the landlord was terrible she would always yell at us for shit even tho we tryed fiixng that house up the best we could ! i scrubbed that house from top to bottom ! we re-painted i re-did the enire outside put in some flowers and what not to make it look some what decent. But she still treated us like shit. We always lost power, the wind would blow the wrong way and boom no power, the winders were very cold like i said we had propain heat and the only heater was in the living room the pipes would freeze if we didnt have the water running. We lived on a dirt road whitch in the winter time was nothing but a sheet of ice. And at this time me and my boyfriend both didnt have jobs we had just moved there. So i finally got a job at tacobell...worst mistake ever. That job broke me down til there was nothing left of me. It made me angry,sad and stresssed ! And i did it for 6 years ONLY beacuse my boyfriend had yet to find a job.... he went without a job for a long time.... and i was the only one with a car so everything felll on me....to cleaning the house, to working, everyone using my car, me buying things for myself, him and his mom. It was just realy stressfull. But that is when i noticed my anxiety getting alittle worse well at the time i didnt know it was anxiety but i ended up doing tones of research on it and everything pointed to anxiety. I woulld have panicattacks here and there but not very offten, and they were really random as well. And i was able to control them and my anxiety with home remidies and what not! But i have always been the person to stress before theres even stress to stress about but i never thought anything of it i just thought it was me stressing out ! And looking back now i would always have to clean the house and get things done when i planned to do it and it wasnt just vaccuming or dusting it was scrubbing the walks doing all the laundry, re organzing things, i would get home from work at 4pm and literally not stop untill about 10-11pm at night. so i was always on the go always ! i was working 50 hours a week, i was a store manager at the time so everything at the sore fell on me as well. So fast foward to november 2018 around that time i had noticed my attacks becoming more frequent. My boyfrind had finally found a good job and i was so excited i thought everything was going to change ! and 2 weeks into the job he quit, right back at sqaure one, at this point i had also leased a jeep so i now had 2 cars a truck and my jeep he was driving the truck, and of course it broke down and he never fixed it. so back to sqaure one with 1 car, things at work were becoming really stressfull with the holidays coming up so i was working alot more then 50 hours mind you i was salary so i only got paid for 8 hours. so stress from everything falling on me, him not working, the truck breaking, getting a new car, the winter ( i hate winter ), being depressed about living in that house and having no life beacuse i worked so much i was just a mess. So one night we go to sleep right everything was fine i was fine ! i had alittle cough so i took some cough medicine and went to sleep. We got woken up around 4am from his mom coming into our room telling us that his uncle ( her brother ) was in the hospital on life support, i was shocked and said but i was so tired i couldnt understand anything ! so my boyfriend jumped outta bed and went into the living rooom to see what happened. so it was 4am there was nothing we could really do, it was snowing like crazy so we all just tried going back to sleep. Now what had happened with his uncle is her had a tripple bypass i belive after he had a heartattack along time ago, his heart wasnt well, he was also diabetic and a heavyer set guy. He woke up in the middle of the night really cold i guess and his wife woke up and asked him what was wrong he said “ im really really cold !” so he got up to get a blanket and use the restroom, he then busted back into his bedroom telling his wife to call 911, so she did before she could even figure out what was hapeening. Well what was happenig his lungs were filling up with fluid and filling quickly, she was on the phone with 911 and he was begging her to tell them “ hurry i dont want to die .” he was sufforcating. By the time they got there he was blue and wasnt breathing he had died before they got there. Then in the amblanuce they brought him back and he crashed again. Then they got his to the hospital and got him back again but by that tiime it was to late he had went 17 minutes without any oxygen to his brain. His brain was swelling his lungs were stilling filing up with fluid. He was on life support for i think 3 days. So THAT morning i woke up and my entire life was flipped upside down.... i woke up having a TERRIBLE PANIC ATTACK i felt like my lungs had collapssed on me. I was having BAD disrealaztion whitch at the time i didnt even know excisted !!! So i woke up and ran outside beacuse before when i would have attacks i would go outside and it was ease up....not this time. My panic attack lasted about 1 hour i couldnt breath, i was so confused, i didnt know what was happening, my heart felt really weird, i felt like i didnt know what was going on around me, i was sweating, crying, hyperventalating, my hands started to go dumb and lock up on me. I finally calmed down a bit but i still felt SO WEIRD not only beacuse of the disrealazation but i just didnt feel like ME its like my brain just did a completely 180 on me, so we went up to the hospital to say our goodbyes to his uncle and what not, and the whole way there i was just freaking out beacues of the way i was feeling ! i remeber i was in the back seat and i HAD to be touching my boyfriends shoulder or i would just freak out ! We got to the hospital and i hugged everyone telling them how sorry i was.But after that its like i couldnt talk words just wouldnt come out of my mouth. we went into the room to see his uncle ( mind you hes on life supprort hooked up to all sorts of things ) and my boygfriend asked me “ are you okay are you going to be able to go in? “ i was like yeah i should be fine. So we went in and i wasnt fine....i just stood there in shock staring at his uncle beacuse we had just seen him and he was fine, laughing, joking around, picking on me like he always does! But now there he was having a machine help him breath, no brain activity, you could see his face swelling from the brain swelling. The whole room began to spin and i got really sweaty. I wanted to cry cuz i was really sad and upset about it ! he was a amazing man ! but i just couldnt nothing would come out !!! So after saying our goodbyes and talking to everyone we went home. Again i had to be touching my boyfriend in the back seat. We got home around 10pm i beliave and i started having these terrible attacks, i again felt like my lungs were collapssing but this time it felt really real my chest was hurting, my body was so tense i would barley move, i was so dizzy, i was this overwhelming feeling of just pure DOOM. I thought forsure i was going to die. i thought that was it. So my boyfriend rushed me to the hospital i could telll on his face he was scared too....i never had a attack like this not this strong.  As we are driving im begging him to go faster as im grabbing my chest telling him i cant breath. We get to the hospital and i try to explain to them whats going on. so they take my vitals whitch were all normal i think ? i dont remember. and had me go sit back in the waiting room, i was still sobbing cuz i was so scared and i couldnt breath i was still grabbing my chest, i tryed sitting down but i couldnt its like my insides were crawling !! so i had to pase the hallway untill they called me back. they finally called me back i got into the room and they asked me yet again what was going on and i told them everything i was felling they hooked me up to a ECG, blood pressure cup and oxyen finger thingy. Mind you i still couldnt breath and this is going on about 2 hours now. i ripped everything off of me and i walked into the hallway begging the nurse to put oxygen on me. I dont know why but i thought it would help me ! and shes like “ i really dont think you need it your not pasty or blue but if it will make you feel better yes.” so she came in and put pxygen on me i began taking deep breaths hopping i would be able to breath again and slowky i was able to breath again, they ended up running TONES of blood work on me, chest xrays, EKGS and urine tests on me. and everything came back fine.there like you had  a panic attaack. im like no ! i have had a panic attakc before it felt nothing like this !!! And they cointued to tell me theu found notrhing wrong at all. I was so fucking confused and scared so from there they gave me valium, first time i have ever had it ! and with in 10-20 minutes i was fine. really tired but fine ! i thought to myself “ okay that was just a really bad panic attack i was overwheilmed by everything going on ill go home go to bed and wake up and everything will be fine!” boy was i wrong.... i woke up having a terrible panic attack again, disrealazation was still with me strong as ever. I just kept thinking to myself this cant be happening to me again i am dying !!!! This one lasted about 1 hour and after that i was really tired but i still was feeling really weird really off like somthing just wasnt right !!! from that night on i had at least 4 panic attacks a day and inbetwwen those panic attacks i was having anxiety attavcks. i was in the ER almost everyday. in the matter of 3 months i was in the ER at least 60 times.and each time they found nothing. I began going to other hosptails beacuse i thought they werent looking hard enough i literally thought i was dying from somthing. disrealaztion for me lasted about 2 months straight. Then i started to get horrible memory loss, terrible night sweats, i couldnt sleep, i couldnt function. i wasnt eating or drinking. so everytime i would go to the hospital they would pump me full of fluids. when i started getting the memory loss i was freaking out even more i was conviced somthing was wromg with my head thats why this was all happening i have a tumor or somthing i thought to myself !!! so off to the hospital we went.... they did a nuero exam on me and said everything looked great and did stroke tests on me too said all looked fine ! i began crying hysterically. Then the dr said would you feel better if we did a CT scan, i said yes please !!! so they did so. all came back clear. I was so confused again and frustarted i didnt understand what was happening !!!! And the memory loss contuined to get worse so i went to the hiospital a few more times for it i had another CT scan a few months after that, still all clear. At this point in time i became obssesed in trying to figure out what the hell was going on with him ! I started googling none stop, reading books about anxiety, listing to popcasts, i began trying everything, journaling, mediataing, cut out all caffine, trying essental oils, breathing techinques you name it ive tryed it. Nothing seemed to help. I decied to go see a physcaligist ive never went thru any of this before so i didnt know what to expect. He asked me a bunch of queshtions but before he would even start asking me queshtions i started crying. So by the end of it i was dignosed with GAD, ocd and depression. He put me on lexapro and ativan. I took the lexapro for a week and it made every 10 times worse i couldnt take it anymore. At that point i decied to try the natural route and bought $50 worth of supplemts that didnt help. So i seen a diffrent physcartist beacuse i didnt really like him. She added another great ole trate to my diganoses health anxiety. She put me on paxil and ativan. The ativan is the only thing that kept me sane. It was like once i took the ativan all my problems fadded away but once it wore off i was full of anxiety again. Now here we are 7 months later. Still in and out of the hospital not as much. Still on paxil 30mg and ativan 1mg twice a day. Still fearing that i am dying every single day. I didnt belive the doctors so i took it apon myself to go see all these specialist, i just had this gut feeling like my body was telling me somthing was wrong !!! ( still do ) So i started off with a nueroligst told him all my smyptoms done and by the end of the vist he wanted me to get 13 diffrent tests done. So lets see if i can remeber them all... i had brain and nack MRI, a brain MRA, EMG, nerve testings on my legs and arms, some inner ear testing, VAG test, a test to see if i was having sezuires and theres more i just cant remeber them all. But at the end of it nothing was found but polyps in my sinus cavity, a vistbular disorder and thats it. Then i went on to see a rhymotligist where she testsed me for every autoammone diease possible, also arthrits and FYBO. she found nothing but slight carppel tunnel in my right wrist. Then i went and seen a ears, nose and throat docotor, he found a lump in my thyroid that i JUST had biopsied 3 days ago and waiting for the results. I also seen a cardioligist i wore a halther monitor for 2 days they found nothing but a few PVCS and one SVT, i had a stress test done whitch came back perfect and a echo whitch where they found a thicking of one of my artires but he said it wasnt effecting me at all and i probaly was born with it and my body has learned to work around it. I also seen a vision specialst and my eyes are fine just need new glasses. So like i said i now take 30mg of paxil 1mg of ativan and i make doctor appts on the regular still beacuse im still not convinced this is anxiety. I am suposse to see the nureoligist in sept. for a fallow up but i made a earlier appt beacuse of the symptoms im still having im still convined somthing is wrong with my head. And mind while all this is first starting im still trying to work at the job were i work 50 hours a week as a store manager, i had to demote myself to assistant manager beacuse i couldnt handle it anymore, and i was barley at work beacuse i was always at the hospital. so about 3 months after demoting myself they fired me. So me and my boyfriend were both without a job so lets add that on. So i had this brillant idea of moving..... i thought maybe its beacuse of this house we are in maybe thats my issue ! So i went out put a down payment on a brand new trailer and we moved smack dab in the middle of winter. But yet i still felt terrible, i wasnt even excited about moving i felt nothing. i felt numb to everything. So hear i am still suffering each and everyday in this new trailer. I did have a job but i recently just quit it 2 days ago. I couldnt stand working there i felt like it was bringing me down more. but the plus side of that is i have 4 interviews on monday ! oh and my boyfriend HAD a awesome job landscpaing making good money ! and he quit that about 2 weeks ago. We still are with 1 car ( mine ) beacuse he has yet to fix the truck. Ive been on paxil for about 3 months now and ativan for about 4 months. The paxil has helped ease the anxiety alot. the ativan is the only thing that keeps me sane. But i still suffer everyday. i am so depressed. i am not the person i once was. I use to love being outside doing things, i loved cleaning beacuse it calmed me and i felt better after doing so, i use to love having fun and laughing i use to love working ! i was the person that ALWAYS had to be doing somthing. But now i am the complete oppisite. i dont know what it feels like to be truley happy anymore, to laugh, to smile, to not be scared or worried. I have no idea what it feels like to be normal anymore. I wake up everyday wishing, hoping, praying today will be a good day, but it never is. Anxiety or whatever this is hit me like a god damn fright train and has totally ruined my life and who i am. I know this was a super long post but i need to know im not the only one out there feeling these things. I need to know i am not dying, i am not crazy. Is a anxiety disorder really THIS BAD ?! Thanks so much for reading guys and please please please feel free to reach out. im going to list my symptoms below. And im going to try to keep posting. Thanks guys.

Everyday symptoms:

when i wake up in the morning or from a nap i feel really weird and spacey.

Night sweats

Blurry vision

shaking

memory loss

mood swings

genreal feeling of just fear

always on edge

crying spells

my body aches ( almost feel as if my body is bruised on the inside)

ALWAYS TIRED

back and neck pain and stiffness

my legs and arms randomly go tingly

pee ALOT

sleep alot

i dont remeber my dreams

overwhelming saddness

my head offten feels weird, its a feeling i cant even explain it feels like my brain is just going to shut down

ears ring

headaces

brain fog

somtimes when i wake up in the morning i feel swollen but my body isnt actutaly swollen

heart palpations

twitching/cramps

i sweat alot

my appetite is eaither there or its not

random dizzy spells

pressure in my head

feel the need to do somthing but not sure what it is

lost all intrest in everything

always thirsty

feeling like anxiety or health issues are always on my mind

i dont talk much anymore

i have isolated myself from almost everyone

no sex drive

constant reassurance

craving for sugar

cant figure out my triggers ( this causes alot of anxiety )

WHEN IM HAVING A ATTACK:

my mind goes blank or my thoughts race

half the time i cant understand my thoughts

i think and feel like im going to die

body tenses up

hyperventalate

the strong urge to just give up

fear that this will be my life forever

I USE TO GET A RACING HEART BUT NOW I DONT*** now i just feel like my heart beats funny and i get palpations here and there

uncontroble crying

this scary feeling whitch im assuming is impending doom

sudden urge to pee

feeling like my body is just shutting down

my memory seems to get worse in the middle of a attack

i recently started having suicidel thoughts

thinking about whats going to happen later or tomorrow ( how im going to feel what im going to do )

i get so upset that i am having a attack and cant figure out why so i will try to think of why im having a attack

[evdothansen]

Hood Night – Benji Applebaum x Swanson!Reader

Author’s Note: i couldn’t quite match the protective because idk that’s not the vibe big bro jesse gives me. i think this would be more like him, but i’m sorry this probably sucks;

Pairing: Benji Applebaum x Swanson!Reader;

Request: “could i request a benji x reader where reader is Jesse's younger sister so he gets really protective of her and it's just kinda fluffy and stuff??”;

Word Count: ;

TW: swearing, i believe, and the fic is terrible;

You hollered along with the crowd as the Treblemakers stopped breathily on their final pose for Lollipop. Your brother was the last one up, wearing his glowing smirk on his face, and you couldn't help but smile too from your seat on the first line. You couldn't possibly say how happy you were that Jesse had found acapella and the Trebles, because he seemed to be happier and prouder than ever when he was onstage with them. As the other boys got up, he winked at you before reaching his hand out to help the one by his side up – a pale boy with a golden voice and angel-like blond locks who you already knew. Jesse's best friend, Benji Applebaum. He followed Jesse's look and realized you were sitting there, clapping along with the other freshmen, and then offered you a shaky smile before turning away hurriedly. You hid your laughter.

On the next song, though, you couldn't stop cackling. Sure, the vocals were well done, their vocal percussionist was amazing, and the choreography was pretty impressive, but, whenever you looked at Benji, he would be doing the funniest and dorkiest things. When the boys jumped to the front and the girls around you ran to the stage's bottom, you stayed put, to what both your brother and Benji shot you challenging looks. You knew they meant completely different things, and Jesse's face told you he wouldn't let that one wear off.

Eighteen years having Jesse Swanson as an older brother, you knew exactly what each sign he gave you was saying, and, right now, he was provoking you. You tried to look away and your eyes met Benji doing a funny dance, which, of course, only made it worse. You could see on Jesse's smirk what he was telling you – that he knew you had a crush on his best friend since he first spent spring break with you, on their freshman year, and he was not gonna let it go easily. You hoped he could read you as well as you could read him, and told him to fuck off with your eyes.

As you headed out of the Auditorium and saw Benji running to catch up with you, though, you couldn't hold back a smile.

"Hey, Y/N!" He called, waving, and you waved back. "So, freshman year, right? You must be really excited! I remember being really excited."

"Yeah, freshman year!" You replied quickly, a big smile still on your face. "I am! I guess I really wanna try out all things I can, so, yeah. But, I mean, being Jesse's sister, you probably know my first intention is auditioning for the Bellas."

Benji's smile went even wider. "Do so! The Bellas are great! Beca is seriously cool, don't be intimidated by the black eyeshadow, ok? I promise she's cool."

You chuckled. "Yeah, Benji, I should know. I mean, she's my brother's girlfriend. I sort of know her."

Benji laughed awkwardly and facepalmed himself. "Oh. That's r-right, I guess." He said through a forced smiled, fidgeting with his hands. You knew, because Jesse had told you, that that meant they were sweating, which meant he was nervous. To talk to you? You pushed that thought away. "But, anyways, you should be just fine. I mean, you have an amazing voice and Chloe and Beca aren't jerks like Bumper was when he didn't let me into the Trebles because I was too weird. I-I mean, not that you are weird. You aren't. You're completely normal. No, wait, that's not what I–"

"Benji, Y/N! I see you've already... Ran into eachother." Jesse chimed in, much for Benji's relief. He shot you a suggestive smirk, and you rolled your eyes before staring at the ground. "You know, I think this is a nice opportunity for you guys. The two biggest freaks I know, who can at long last finally be freaks together on a daily basis."

"Jesse, you are an idiot." You told him with a sweet smile, which he sarcastically retributed. Boy, would that be a long year.

Thankfully enough, you'd made it into the Barden Bellas. Beca tried not to be partial during your audition (which was practically impossible, because she adored you and how easily you could beat Jesse at sarcasm), but she didn't even need to. When you first opened your mouth, the Bellas already knew you were in – you sang like an angel. Right after the initiation ceremony, all of you headed together to the Trebles house. You could hear the loud music from across campus. Jesse had told you about it a million times, but you couldn't believe you were actually there – your first Hood Night.

As you entered the house, Beca linked arms with you, speaking in a low voice. "Now, listen up, kid." She told you with complicity. "Has anyone ever told you what a toner is?"

You furrowed your brow. "No."

"I figured." She said secretively, eyes scanning the little crowd. "A toner is when an a-ca-person has a boner for another one."

"Oh." You chuckled slightly. The acapella world never failed to divert you.

"And don't look now, but I can see Benji's one for you from across the room." She said, and you blushed wildly, trying your hardest not to whip your head up and search for him. "Good girl. Don't worry about it, he wouldn't hurt a fly if it asked him. Also, don't care about what everyone else says about Trebles and Bellas. And, oh, look, he's coming our way." You took a moment to digest everything she said as she unlinked your arms and paced a little faster. Jesus, Y/N, shape up, you thought, going after her. Now, Beca was waving at Benji. "Hey, Benji! Nice party! The theme was totally your idea, wasn't it?"

You looked at him just in time to see Benji's wide smile. He looked around rapidly at the hula decorations and noded. "Yeah, it was, but all of the boys helped, you know."

"Heck yeah, work those Treble asses off." Beca said jokingly. "Do you know where Jesse is?"

He thought for a second. "Last time I saw him was at the table, grabbing himself a drink."

"Right. Thanks, Benji!" She then smiled at you, starting to walk away. "I'll see you later, Y/N!"

That left the two of you alone, of course, which shouldn't be a problem. I mean, you'd known Benji for almost four years, right? The two of you always got along well. Except that Beca had gotten to your head with what she said about Benji, and, though Jesse wasn't anywhere to be seen, you knew he would sip his drink provocatively if he was. That said, the ground seemed suddenly a very interesting thing to look at.

Little did you know that poor Benji had intentions for the night. No, God, not that kind of intentions. When Jesse first suggested he acted up in, lets say, a quite suggestive way, he stuttered for a minute straight. Still, because Jesse talked him into it, he was resolute that, tonight, he should tell you about how he felt. He fidgeted with his hands, not knowing what to do. You seemed less keen to talking then ever. He had to say something, and it had to be fast.

"So, Y/N, now that you're a Bella, tell me." He tried not to stutter, although it became hard when you looked up at him. God, those eyes. He wasn't too religious, but if anyone said you were an angel, he'd have believed it. Focus, Benji. "Are we finally getting the Star Wars main theme performed by Barden's most loved acapella group?"

You smiled. Benji never failed to strike up a conversation with you, or so it seemed. Of course, you didn't know how awkward he actually was, or how blessed he thought he was for being able to talk to you that easily. "I don't know, are the Trebles finally performing it as part of their set?"

The conversation went on for hours, and so did the Hood Night party. It was Benji and Jesse's last, and, boy, were they determined to make the best out of it. Around 3 or 4AM, Jesse was taking a break from al the dancing, laid back against a wall and sipping his drink. Beca saw him hanging by the side and decided to go talk to him. She approached him with a smug smile on her face. "You owe me thirty, Swanson."

Jesse furrowed his brow. He wasn't drunk, but Beca was a little blurry. "What do you mean?"

"I mean", she said slowly, articulating, "that someone's in treble."

It hit him. He looked all around, scanning the crowd from where he was. Not near the bonfire, not on the grass with the High Notes, not dancing by the pool, not in the chilly living room inside the house. You and Benjamin Applebaum were nowhere to be seen. He smirked at the thought, then turned to Beca. "So you finally adhered to our glorious pun?"

"Only if I can use it on your sister." She smirked back, and Jesse winked.

"Sounds like a deal to me."

[lonelylittletransgirl]

3:40am - 04/05/2020

14 weeks since i’ve talked to the boy, almost 15; i guess technically only two weeks if we’re talking about me being stupid and messaging him, but 14 weeks since he’s spoken to me, and i’m finally ready to talk about it.

when i met him he was magical, i fell for him instantly, it’d only been a few months after i finally got upset enough with Lisa to leave the remains of that friendship behind, and i was feeling a little down with how little social success i was having with the start of college. I remember standing around in the lecture hall before a test, his class was before mine, and i followed a group of people i wanted to be friends with in. he and i both stood awkwardly among our friend groups, this wasnt our first time meeting, but putting our awkwardness aside, it was the first time we spoke, and the start of his era in my life.

the semester rolled forward, and my mental health spiraled, i was facing a daily struggle of do i put gas in my car or do i eat, can i afford that snack while editing at 4am or was i just to go hungry until lunch as not to disrupt my precarious eating schedule. i was stressed about how low my grades where, how tired i always was working an abusive job that paid well below industry standard on the nights i wasn't up fixing group project issues at 4am in the learning commons, sleeping in my car didnt help, but it gave me an extra hour between late nights and early mornings saved off my commute, ontop of saving gas, it wasn’t that bad but was certainly not helping. my mother was driving me insane, like she always does, and i was willing to do anything to keep out of the house, i just... lost control of my life, and completely stopped caring, and this is where he really stepped in. skip a class because im too numb to focus, he’s by my side in the learning commons, someone to talk to, send memes to, keep me entertained, i couldn't go home, my mother would notice im not in class, but i just couldn't drag myself into the classroom every day.

jump forward into the summer... or really... middle spring, probably late may... early june... our mutual friend xander needed some furniture for his new room, the boy and i kept promising to see eachother over the summer, i finally invite him to come to ikea with xander and me, so... we all went together, and after dropping xander off i go back to boys house with him for the first time, and this leads us into the start of the summer.

we see each other often, always initiated by me, but never unwelcomed by him, the exact timeline is all a blur now, but i remember canada day, going to his grandparents house with him, his whole family was lovely, they where so much more functional and kinder than my own, i had an anxiety attack at some point during the day but only the boy and his brother knew, that day really stands out to me because it had been the first time in years id felt accepted by everyone around me, i was able to be myself, i was with people i enjoyed, i had no stresses and it felt euphoric. I remember that night distinctly for entirely different reasons though, it started off well, the boy and i went to milton to see the fireworks from outside the old highschool, a place my dad used to take me and my brother when he was still in our lives, i got a sunburn on my back despite using sunscreen, clearly not enough, and i remember the boy laughing at me because it was a really bad burn in the shape of the bralette i wore in place of a swim top, it was all fun, until the drive home. driving him back to his house something felt wrong, i dont know what, but i remember bursting into tears, this wasnt the first time i cried around him, and certainly wasnt the last, but it really stands out as a night that changed a lot about how he felt towards my emotions. going back to the first time i cried around him, we went on a bike ride on the trails around his house, i borrowed his moms bike and he rode his, at some point he started biking really fast away from me until he reached a house, a house i learned later was the house of someone who hurt him years ago, i... dont exactly recall how i felt about it, but we biked back to the school nearly beside his house, the sky dark at this point, and he went off sitting alone in the field. something about.. him biking away from me, not telling me anything, then leaving his bike on the fence and running into the field away from me, it felt for the first time i can completely recall, like he was starting to push me away, i remember walking up to him in the field, i was already holding back tears at this point and he could tell, he asked what was wrong and i completely collapsed into tears over how i felt. i recall rambling on about my dad, my mothers ex, my mother herself, and my history with abandonment, isolation, and how him leaving me like that made me feel; i remember him holding me, keeping my hair out of my face, stroking it gently while pushing it away, softly telling me its all okay, he apologized, explained everything, and after my eyes where clear enough to walk past his mom not looking like id just bawled my eyes out, combined with the incoming thunderstorm approaching over us as we laid in the grass up at the starts, we headed back to his house.back at his house was rather uneventful, i remember laying beside him in his bed, we watched some youtube, shortly after getting back to his house i left fearing the incoming storm, roughly... around midnight if i had to guess, keeping in mind this is before i was allowed to stay over past his midnight curfew.

moving along through the summer we come to another important night, it was similar to the bike ride night, a humid summer evening, this night i remember fewer details about, but we where laying in his bed, being idiots, i recall him showing me how to act more feminine for a man, sitting on his lap, wrapping myself around him, it was all in play, nothing serious, but i did really like him, and he knew it. at some point the play turned into me laying on his bed, arms at my side, he’s hovering over me in a playfully dominant way, we joke about being ontop of one another with both of us being so submissive, we never take it seriously, but something was different; he looked in my eyes and there was a glimmer to his, “what do you want?” he asked, i told him he already knows, after playing dumb a little more, he starts softly kissing my neck... it was a strange feeling, not unwelcome, but not rough enough for me, he was very gentle, pausing to make sure i was okay, asking for consent often, finally, he looks into my eyes, and says once more “what?” while giggling, i just stare back up at him, after a few seconds he says “i know what you want” and leans in to kiss me, then again, and before i knew it we where making out, and kept it going for a few minutes... until his mother knocked on the door telling us it was past his curfew. and thats the story of my first kiss, and the first time the boy kissed me, i... felt euphoric again, i remember feeling on top of the fucking world for days following, i was so happy, and so in love, and was now completely enamored with this boy.

there where more fun filled summer days, we never kissed again after that, but there was still occasional cuddling, by my request, lots of hugs, and i was still babe and he was still the boy i loved. i guess the first time i really started to feel envious was during pride, we went as a group, myself, the boy, our mutual friend chris, and some other friends from their group discord. the day started out great, it was my first pride and there was so many people, so much excitement, it was all happening and starting out fun. partway pretty early through the day one of the boys ex’s met up with us though, and really stole all of his attention from me, i tried to hide that i was upset, the rest of his friends left to go home leaving just me the boy and his ex, but eventually it became too much, i decided to go home alone, so they dropped me off at the subway station, and turned around, walking away without even saying goodbye. the second i was through the doors to the subway i burst into tears, i felt like an idiot crying most of the train ride home, the drive home, i felt like shit that whole night, and it really hurt to see the boy i loved with someone else. i put that day behind us though, and enjoyed the rest of the summer with him.

Fall arrived, he went back to school, my depressed spiral into mental illness landed me on academic suspension, meaning a year of no school, so i did not. we where separated much of that time, we would see each other maybe bi-weekly, we grew distant, not by choice, i really wanted to see him all the time, and he accommodated whenever he could.

at some point, i dont remember when, but we had a fight, he got mad at me for acting like his girlfriend, he reinforced that we aren't dating, we aren't a couple, he made sure i knew he was gay, and only liked men, and i dont remember the outcome of that fight, but his mom found out, and told him to bring me back. his mom was such a dear, she loved her family, baked every week, cooked meals for them all constantly, always took me into consideration and always offered me something, she would even go out of her way to accommodate my pickiness, and always found something that worked despite the boy being vegetarian and me being picky. she took the boy and i to the mall, boy always joked with me that my bras where too childish, and i did only have three, so his mom took the opportunity to teach me about bras, and the wonders of them, and all the things id need to know after starting hormone therapy. after that he was pretty accepting of my presence, we where very active in the discord, talking for hours a day, it kept me entertained at work and him in class, along with all the friends in it, and the next major turning point was the introduction of rowan.

its now 4:47am, to be continued later