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#and they know this. we're open and I haven't misled them at all but I feel like a fraud still.
sirenium · 3 months
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I hate being loveless. Send post.
#despite the scrambling to accept loveless folks that ended up fucking over romance and love favorable people#I still feel broken. I feel like I'm misleading my partners because the truth is that I don't love them like they love me#and they know this. we're open and I haven't misled them at all but I feel like a fraud still.#I want to be included in things or at least thought about even though I don't give people a second thought#but when I voice this: 'you didn't care about them anyway. they tried to reach out before'#I still value connections. after years of being pushed away by peers I still try to make connections with people#and when they inevitably feel stronger about me than I do them#or see things differently than I do#I feel... inadequate. like my attempts at being a person are futile#It's part of why I don't see myself as a person at all anymore. Because I can't FEEL like a 'normal' person.#it fucking sucks. and no amount of 'oh you're no less a person than someone who feels love uwu' can fix that#I can't even love my family. do you know how much that sucks to not be able to love your own mother?#years ago when I was 7 I had a nightmare where my mom said 'you don't love me anyway' while I was trying to convince her#not to jump into the water in front of us. that phrase has appeared in arguments years later#imagine the horror I feel trying to come to terms with the fact that that's a true statement.#I do care about and appreciate people but it'll never be enough#I'LL never be enough#it hurts.#and the performative bullshit on this platform doesn't help#loveless#aplatonic#afamilial
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zarvasace · 3 months
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I've been going through your ao3 bc I've n been having a hankering for Four/ colors content
Hyrule's fic where he has the loftwing tattoo is ouch in the good ways. Boy had it ROUGH and if I found out that happened to my bestie I would also puke so I get you, Sky.
And the one where Red and Vio grow up in a cult and Red is the perfect little cult angel so they'll be allowed to LEAVE and they haven't seen the sun for 16 years like my heart. Those poor boys. They just want to see their brothers and Red was too young to even remember them ;-;
I picture that Red and Vio found a nice house with a big garden and they spend all day relaxing in the sun and hanging out and nothing else happens to them and they're happy and also Red helps Zelda and the knights find and put a stop to the cult cause Red has alllll the information about them now.
Well I certainly have my fair share of Four and FS boys content. XD I've actually been meaning to add on a bit to the cult one, so here's a fun little epilogue! ~1k words, some CWs for implied religious trauma, some cursing, and moderate angst.
(said cult-themed fic is here! It's a whump fill and imo one of the more intense ones so.)
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Green wipes his hands off on a towel and heads to the doorway to poke his head into the living room. “Hey, Vio.”
“Sorry!” Vio says, startling. The book in his hands jumps as he shuts it too fast. He looks up at Green, then blinks and settles. “Sorry,” he says again, this time apologizing for apologizing. 
Green takes a second to bite his tongue—he harbors an eternal, ice-cold hatred for the people who'd somehow managed to get it into Vio’s head that reading was something to apologize for—then shrugs in what he hopes is a nonchalant way. “I just wanted to ask if you had a preference between tomato sauce or cheese sauce for dinner. Blue and Red should be back soon.”
Vio slowly reopens his book to the page he'd been reading. “Um, I think Red likes cheese better.”
“Okay, well, what about you?” 
“I don't really have a preference.”
“Cheese, then,” Green says, just as the door to their little house swings open. 
Green’s little question had startled Vio, but Red's loud, enthusiastic greeting very much does not. 
“Viooooo! Guess what I have!” Red bounces in, wearing something a lot like what he'd worn that first day. It's red and yellow and reminds Green of festival robes. The thin fabric accentuates the way he dances in and presents a set of ominous-looking black iron keys to Vio in both hands. 
Those keys mean absolutely nothing to Green, but Vio raises his eyebrows. “You really did it, then.”
“Did you doubt me?” Red smiles. 
“Can we melt those down?” 
“Oh, I definitely plan on it.” 
Blue follows Red into the house, closing the door behind them both. He wears Vio’s old grayed cloak with the heavy leather mantle, though now there’s a splatter of blood across the side. Where Red is clearly very pleased with what they've done, Green can see Blue’s anger simmering beneath the surface. 
In a flailing of angry movement, Blue rips off the hood and tears the mantle off his shoulders. He bundles it all up and dropkicks the thing into the wall with a shout. 
“Woah, Blue,” Green says, stepping in but not touching him yet. “You okay?” 
“I'm fine!” Blue snaps. He throws his hands into the air. “I’m just dandy! I'm totally not traumatized at all! And I bet you aren't either!” He gestures to Red and Vio, who watch him warily. “We're all really well-adjusted members of society! Nobody treated me like shit while they thought I was you! Nobody at all!”
Green drops his towel and grabs Blue’s arms to stop him from throwing a punch at the wall. He's done it before. “Calm down!”
“Why should I?” Blue keeps shouting, but Green can see the shine in his eyes. “They kept saying, oh, they're good people, just misled, just take care of some of the leaders and everyone will be fine, but you know who gave a damn about me? About Vio? When we staged that—that—”
“Blue!” Green shakes him, hoping to snap him out of it, but all he does is shake the tears out. 
Blue is more prone to punching out his feelings than crying about them. The tears that fall down his face are out of the ordinary for him. He looks at Green like he did every time he became despondent: like he hopes desperately that Green can fix the world. His rage is quickly giving way to full-out sobbing, and it's a bit startling. This hasn't happened in years. 
Green has gotten good at dealing with Blue’s moods, but Vio and Red very much have not. Red has moved to stand half in front of Vio, as if to protect him, and Vio’s eyes have gone calculating. Then Red leans back to whisper something, never taking his eyes off of Blue and Green, and Vio responds, too quietly to hear. 
Blue starts to push away from Green, red in the face, but Vio is right there, hands raised as if he doesn't know what to do with them. 
“Um,” Vio says, “I'm sorry.”
“No, I'm sorry!” Blue interrupts, his voice breaking. “I didn't mean to—to get mad—and we didn't find you—and I had no idea—” 
Red taps Vio on the shoulder and whispers loudly. “Ask if he wants a hug.”
A short, wet laugh interrupts Blue’s tears, and he shakes his head as if to say it isn't necessary. 
Vio’s face goes tight in a wince, and Green starts to move to interrupt, but then Vio raises his arms and wraps them around Blue, and Blue’s sobs go quiet almost instantly. After a few seconds, they readjust so Blue can hold Vio back. Vio definitely isn't crying, but he does hide his face behind his bangs and Blue’s neck. 
Red looks like he's about to cry, too, so Green nudges him. 
“Want to help me make some sauce for pasta?” 
“Really?” Red says, looking up. “Yeah. I do.”
“Come on.” 
Red drops the keys he holds on top of Vio’s discarded cloak, then follows Green into the kitchen. He's a little subdued, but still enthusiastic. By the time Red burns his half of the sauce (surprising no one), Blue and Vio have shifted to speaking quietly on the old couch. 
It's going to be a long road of healing, even considering how far the four of them have come so far. But now they know that the cult isn't going to come after Red and Vio, or kidnap anyone else, for that matter, since they got the princess and knights involved. But Vio has begun to keep his books in plain sight, and Red curses a little more every day. Red goes outside into the sun most days, and drags Vio with him every so often. They moved to a nice little house, and visit their father at least once a week. Blue has been happy, and so has Green. 
It's a long road, yes, and doubtlessly it's an uphill one. But they're on it together. 
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