#and there's nary a tiddy to be seen

[rofax]

Well, time to see how tumblr feels about this one!!

[fuzzydemolitionsquad]

The tractor part two

Zeb cruised down the main street of Snag Toe, a not-so-bustling metropolis that was only a skip and a hop away from the Trodd family farm. Puggles lay back in his reclined seat, picking his nose and flicking his findings into the wind.

“I told you to STOP DOING THAT!” Zeb popped his cousin across the chops with the back of his hand. “If one of those gets on me I’m gonna choke you out!”

Puggles cackled. He sat up in his seat and watched a jumble-shrub blow across the road. There were no vehicles hovering by the curbs or krauntaun mounts tugging at their hitching posts. Everything was quiet. A lone drifter clad in beaten leather fueled his speeder bike at a dark fuel station. He turned onto the street without looking in the opposite direction and headed for Transitway Nineteen East. A solitary bantha in a paddock across the road lowed plaintively  as she watched him go, her long tongue stretched out in his direction of travel. All the shops–including Gurvis’s Tractor and Farm Supply– were closed. The windows of the shops  were concealed by plate-metal shades, like the eyelids  of sleeping lasats.

“Welp, looks like evrry’thang is closed.”

“It’s only an hour and a half to mid-sun!” Zeb said.

Puggles scratched his hairy chin. “Wunner if this has sumthin to do wit the elly-mentry school carnival? Old Gurvis volunteers fer the milk bottle toss erry year, an Mizz Clapp, y’ know, the sundry shop owner, sells tickets. Yup, pract’ly the whole damn town gets involved.”

Zeb palmed his face. “ WHY didn’t you mention this BEFORE?”

“I unno. Jus’ slipped m’ mind.  Oh well. Guess we has to go back home.”

“No. No, I promised pa I’d help him fix the tractor today.”

Puggles sighed. He lit a cigarette and took a drag. “Well if you insist. We kin turn left at thee stop and head on over to Needlesap. They got a tractor parts store there too.”

Zeb thought for a moment.

“Nuh-uh.  Needlesap  has all those crazies  who were released from the mental hospital. Oh. Heh. Sorry Puggles, no offense. Besides, it’s where all the Lunxx boys hang out. I don’t feel like saving your scrawny tail today.”

“Save mah tail? Shheeeoot. . . I kin hold my own with them blinked-milk-suckin’ moon-calfs.”

Zeb laughed. “Whatever you say, Puggles.” The big purple lasat stretched his arms over the steering yoke and rest his head on them. His ear twitched.

“What iz yew doin’? Gettin’ sum shut-eye’?”

“No. I’m thinking, and. . . I think I have an idea. How long has it been since you’ve visited the capital?”

“Amethyst City?”

“No. The other capital.” Duh.”  “Of course Amethyst City!”

Puggles’ brown face twisted. “I’d rather suck on the business end of a lightsaber! Or scrawl m’ name acrost a Mandy-lorry-an’s helm! Hells, I’d rather go skinny-dippin’ wid a love-sick dianoga than go to thee blasted capital!”

“So you really don’t wanna go?”

“No!” Why would I? Place is fulla ijits. Dandy lads an’ snooty gals and polly-tish-ans and such.”

“There’s lots of nice lasats too.”

I heard there wuz  staurmtroopers there. An’ guards all  a’suited in red.”

“Well, yes, but that was over two dust seasons ago.” Zeb said, a  small crease forming over his brow. “The Empire wants fealty.That’s why the Emperor has sent envoys over the last couple years. Same thing happened when the Separatists and the Republic were vying for our  support. Lasan isn’t interested in any political affiliation other than its own.”

“White and red. Bone and blood.” Puggles intoned.”That’s what Mossy said. Bone and blood.”

Zeb rolled his eyes. “ I think Mossy’s been eating too many toadstools.”

“Mebbe so. But he’s a witch’s son. Sometimes he has the mindsight. You member that.”

Zeb’s eyes shifted to the floorboard of the speeder. He looked at his feet. His prehensile toes kneaded the warm, plastoid-sheathed metal. Puggles’ worries were his as well, though he would never admit it.

“Capital’s two hours away. We better get going. I want to get pa’s tractor up and running today so he can get an early start tomorrow morning.”

“Land a’ muddlin’. Fine. Let’s git a move on.”

The big city filled Puggles with a combination of loathing and excitement.

There was nary a field nor hollow nor tree to be seen, save the topiary monstrosities growing from large bronzium planter boxes lining the streets.

Massive domes and tall conical buildings competed with one another for space, corrupting the natural skyline of purple mountains beyond. Sheer crystal sidewalks tinged lavender and green fronted a myriad of shops for blocks and blocks on end. Lasats in colorful attire bustled about like bees in a hive, their servant droids walking behind them, shopping wagons in tow..

Zeb entered a round-about on one busy street. In the middle was a statue of a heroic-looking female. Her quadranium arm was raised, a large bo-rifle in her grip. The sun glinted off her tattered uniform and one bared breast.

Puggles' eyes widened three sizes. “Did yew see that? Her tiddy is showin’! Whoo-wee. . . and it’s a nice un’!

“Be respectful, Puggles. That’s Shaddis Rrochious. She was a highly-skilled warrior and martyr who perished in the barbarian wars.”

“A warrior huh? Sheeeoot, she could shock me wid that ‘lectric rifle any time.”

“I’ll be sure to tell her spirit that when I’m in temple. Oh, and by the way, there’s a great statue of Firuz in front of the Warrior Council building. We should bring Jenni next time. I’m sure she would admire the bulge in his-

“All right all right. Point taken.” Puggles turned and looked back. “I’m sorry Miss Shaddis! Please ‘cept a Southern boy’s humble ‘pology!” 

They continued on down the street. Colorful, high-definition holograms flashed in the fancier shop windows, advertising the wares inside. The colors danced across the hood of Zeb’s speeder. Puggles’ whistled through his teeth.

“I ain’t been here since I wuz a lil’ sapling. Don't ‘member any of this crap.”

“Are you sure you could see over the dashboard?” Zeb threw back his head and laughed.

“Go fuck yerself.”

“Sorry. I couldn’t resist.” The big lasat covered his mouth with his hand and snickered.

Puggles hmmmf’ed. “I’ve been off planet and I never seen a sinners paradise like dis.”

“You keep on bounty hunting and I’m sure you will. Maybe you’ll get lucky and be offered a job in Coruscant.”

“ Lucky. Oh yeah, sure. Thee lower levels of Coruscant iz a killers’ paradise.”

Puggles changed the subject.“Where is we going t’ git the doodad for pa’s tractor?”

Zeb smiled proudly. “Just so happens I have access to the parts depot near the guards barracks.”

Puggles went silent, as if he was in a trance. He blinked his eyes. A wicked smile unfurled across his face.

“That means yew has access t’ the munitions depot too. Don’t yew?”

Zeb’s hands shifted nervously on the steering yoke.

“N-no. Of course not. I’m not authorized to go in there.”

“Yew iz lying cuzz. I kin always tell. Yer nose gits all pink and twitchy. Course It don’t happen much, since yew is such an honest soul.”

“As opposed to you.”

“Yep, as ‘posed t’ me.” Puggles raised and lowered his brows in quick succession. Goading his younger cousin.

Zeb stopped at a signal. Three attractive older females with fantastically coiffed hair crossed the street in front of him. All three were walking tiny, white-furred  oorvarks  with gemstone encrusted collars.They waved and lowered their eyelids in a flirtatious manner. When they were out of ear-shot Zeb turned to face Puggles and grabbed up the front of his shirt.

“Let’s get one thing straight. . . CUZZ. This isn’t a fireworks buying expedition. There’ll be no bombs, no thermal detonators,  no percussion grenades, no flares, no flash-bangers , no detonite, and no rocket launchers! NOTHING!”

Puggles pulled back and brushed off the front of his old flannel shirt.

“ Of all thee in-dig-nitties! I swear Zebediah, military life has made yew as ornery as a croaker eel!! I just wanted a little sooveneer.”

“I’ll buy you a tee-shirt.”

Puggles mumbled under his breath. How dare his little cousin treat him like some kind of infant cub! He had half a mind to throw a fit, one that would embarrass Zeb to his core.

The speeder approached a busy establishment named the Tooth and Claw. It looked warm and inviting with its polished wood balistrades and stairs. A brawny male wearing the same type of skin-suit that Zeb wore had another male in a tight headlock out front. The trapped male didn’t seem distressed in any way. He laughed as he went to his knees and flipped his assailant over his shoulder. Both lasats stood up and patted each other on the back then lifted their huge ale mugs from a small table to the side of the stairs. Puggles clapped his hands and licked his parched lips.

“It’s a bar Zeb! Pull over! I could really use a beer!”

“Oh, I don’t know Puggles. You’ve been drinking a lot lately.”

“What iz yew, mah ma?”

“No. I just worry about you that’s all. Besides, we don’t have time.”

“We have time fer one beer!”

Zeb knew if he didn’t give in, his cousin would continue to harp about the weapons depot. He listened to the crowd inside the establishment.  Clinking glass and raucous  laughter spilled out the doorway. The laughing turned to cheering. It was the toeball finals, and Zeb knew that some of his mates were inside. He looked at Puggles who was practically salivating.

“Okay. First of all, here in the Capital, it’s called a pub. Second, ONE beer. Then we leave. I think I should warn you. There are some first-year honor guards in there. Like me. They get pretty rowdy. Especially when they’re watching sports.”

“I hate sports.”

“Yeeeah, maybe don’t mention that.”

Zeb parked the speeder around back. He and Puggles stretched their legs and headed for the front door. As soon as they entered the pub, a whole table of green skin-suited males jumped up, whooping and hollering.

“Hey it’s good old Orrelios! ”

“The Zebster!”

“What’s up Zebby?”

“Come over here mate! The Shocktown Royals are knocking the stripes off the Burrndock Howlers!!”

Zeb waved. Puggles was off like a rocket before his cousin could make introductions. He jumped up onto the bar’s foot-rail–squeezing between two big graybeards smoking their pipes–and banged on the wood planked bar.

“ Anyone here? Someone pour me a cold one! No foam now, ye hear?”

The tender stepped out of the shadow. She was almost eight feet tall and as wide as the two graybeards combined. Her hair was an enormous blue bush and her chin was as square as a box.  A dark mole stood out on her right lower cheek like a bullet wound. The cobalt stripes on her impressive biceps were as wide as one of Puggles’ legs. A fat cigar dangled from her lower lip.

“Didja say something, love?” She said in a surprisingly pleasant voice.

Puggles stared up at her boulder-sized breasts and lava-hued eyes and let out a gasp of genuine admiration. He fluffed out his jaw fringes.

“Great Bearded One! If yew ain’t the most stunning creature of thee female sex I’ve seen in this blasted city! Howz about yew pour me a cold one an we kin step out back for a spell.”

Panicking, Zeb and two of his mates rushed the bar. ‘Tiny Teeks’ the bartender picked up a heavy glass mug. She looked like she was planning to smash Puggles’ in the mouth.

“I don’t like blokes funnin’ with me, Short-shanks!” She said.

“I ain’t funnin’ you Big Blue! I likes what I sees!”

The square-jawed female looked at Zeb, who had a pleading look in his eyes. She put down the mug. “Orrelios, ye came in with this little squirt. Is he for real?”

“Unfortunately he is. He fancies himself a ladies-male. He’s my uhh. . well you see, he ah..that is, me and him are. . .

“Cousins, Teeks!” One of Zeb’s squadmates–a few-years older male named Gron– shouted. “That’s Zebby’s hill-trekker cousin! The one he’s always talking about.”

“Well I’ll be a korsa’s dewlap.” Teeks said with a snicker. “Don't see the family resemblance.”

“Hit cain’t be seen on thee outside gorgeous. Our fam’ly’ semblance iz our love-makin' talents.  Iddent that right, Zebadiah? Us Trodds iz natural born kit-magnets!”

“Oh Gods and Ancestors . . .” Zeb blushed while his friends fell on the floor laughing. He wanted nothing more than to shrink down to the size of a flea and disappear into a crack in the wall.

“Puggles, would you shut your-

Zeb didn’t finish his sentence. Horns blared from the holovid player speaker. They were proceeded by the roars of a couple thousand spectators. Lasats in the pub went wild. Teeks jumped up and down and clapped her hands. “GOOOOAAAAAAALLL!!! Oi, did ya see it boyos? Xaniboor’s ball flew into the net faster than a mynock flying out of th’ inferno! GO ROYALS!!”

Teeks picked up Puggles like a rag doll and kissed him on the lips. Then she dropped him and poured him a beer. “There’s more where that came from, love! No no, put away your credits! I’m buying. I don’t know about your special talents, but you sure as dust are a good luck charm!”

“What about me, Teeks?” A dark-faced, yellow-furred guard asked in a whining tone. “I’m your best customer!”

The big female frowned. “Squints, I wouldn’t piss in ye pocket if ye was dying’ of thirst. I heard what y’ said about me! That me arse is bigger than any of the arses in the Capital Zoo.”

“That wasn’t me! It was Bear.”

“Sure, sure. And I’m th’  bleedin’ Queen!”

Puggles puffed out his chest and walked jauntily toward the table where Zeb had re-seated himself. Noticing that there was no chair available for him, he dragged one from the next table over and shoved it between Zeb and another young male. The  soldiers were talking–more like gossiping–about what seemed like a very serious incident.

“. . .so she snuck out, again, and met Lorrbskr  in the priest’s gardens.”

“I don’t believe that.” Zeb said, shaking his head. “Lorrbskr’s got a good career ahead of him. His whole family is military. He could be General some day.”

Squints made a funny sound with his nose.“You know how the Princess is. Always flirting. Always sneaking out. Getting blokes into trouble is a sport for her.”

“But, her guards. How does she keep giving them the slip?”

“She’s as slick as snot, that one.”

“ Lorrbskr's going before a review committee. Karabast, I wouldn’t want to be in his shin guards.”

Zeb sat back and took a drink of his ale. He burped against his fist.

“You guys are jumping to conclusions. He was probably at the temple to pray for his sick mother. The Princess saw him from her window, climbed out and comforted him. You gotta admit her life has to be pretty boring. She’s not allowed to have a suitor, can’t go anywhere without a chaperone. Hells, the Queen probably picks out her wardrobe and food and everything.”

Puggles rolled his eyes.

“Yew fellers iz thee most borin’ stiffs I’ve ever met. Gossiping like a flock a’ hens. I’m gonna go play spinner darts.”

“You do that.” Zeb growled.

The little lasat ditched his chair and padded up to the bar. Teeks had a cold one waiting for him.

“Ye really should have some of the stout. It’ll hit ye in a most pleasant way.” She said, winking one orange eye.

“Darlin’, if beer was meant t’ be warm ittid be served in a soup bowl.”

                                                                             ~

Zeb watched Squints shuffle a nudie sabbacc deck.

“You in?” The yellow and brown lasat grinned.

“Sorry, no. We can only stay for a little while. Gotta get a part for my adoptive father’s tractor then drive back to Needlesap County before it gets dark.”

“No pressure mate. Hey uh, Zebby, me and the boys were meaning to ask you something.”

The other young guards turned away from the toeball game and stared at Zeb.

“What?”

“You know Captain Zanku is going to retire soon. Do you think you might try to claim his position?”

The purple lasat widened his eyes. He visibly swallowed. “ Me? Captain? I dunno. I mean I’ve thought about it. Maybe years down the road.”

“Come on. You'd make a great one! Right boys? That would be wiz! You as our Captain!”

Everyone nodded in excited agreement.

“Mnnn. The trials though. I’d have to get in top shape. Physically and mentally.”

“What are you talking about?  You’re already there!  Strong as a gnapstrup and sharp as a dirk. You passed your first trials with flying colors. Hells, you know more about military history than Zanku himself.”

Zeb put his hand behind his head and rubbed his neck. “Yeah. He made me regret correcting him on the dates of The Battle of Kisgothi.”

“Latrine duty sucks nodge-gobs doesn’t it?”

“Sure as shit does!”

The two lasats laughed until tears came to their eyes.

Gron slapped Zeb on the shoulder. “You got my vote, Orrelios. Karabast, you’ve got all our votes.” He raised his mug and the others at the table did the same.

Everyone in the pub clapped their hands over their ears when an ear-splitting shriek sounded high above the din. A surge of ugly, gray-green smoke boiled out of the back room. Puggles Trodd bolted through the smoke, his ears flat and his eyes enormous.

“Zeb! Let’s go!!” He screeched as he bounded across table-tops.

“Puggles? Is- is that one of your smoke screamers?”

“Stop wid thee questions and run!” Puggles shouted drunkenly.

“Why?”

“Y’ know a big dude wid a gray cape and a green bo-rifle?

“Yeah. That’s our Captain.”

“Well, I hit him in thee forehead wit a dart. Right smack tween th’ eyes. Don’ worry, he’s still kickin’.’”

Zeb’s eye twitched. As his friends ran for the door, he grabbed Puggles, threw him over his shoulder and sprinted outside. He tossed the little lasat into his speeder’s passenger seat and leapt into his own. The engines roared to life. Zeb floored the accelerator, fishtailing, then careening out into the street. He banged on the steering yoke.

“I knew it. I knew something like this would happen!” He turned in his seat and watched pub patrons spill out onto the sidewalk, coughing and clutching their pained ears. He hoped beyond hope that his friends would keep Puggles’ identity a secret.

“That’s it. We’re getting the part and we’re out of here! I am never taking you to the Capital again as long as I live!”

Puggles crossed his arms and grumped.

“Suits me jus’ fine. I nebber wanted t’ come here in the first place. Stupid dart. Spinner must’a been warped.”

“The only thing that’s warped is you!” Zeb snarled, so venomously it made Puggles start.

“How much did you have to drink back there? Hmm? Five, six?”

“ Seven. I din’ pay for them if that’s what’s eatin’ ya. I still has all my money.”

“Karabast! I don’t care about the blasted money!”

Puggles slammed his small fist on the dash. “Honestly Zeb, I cain’t fer the life a’ me figger  you out. Why is yew is so bowed up?”

Zeb chewed his lip. His anger swelled anew.

“ Because you’re a disgusting alcoholic and you refuse to see it!”

There came an uncomfortable silence. The gentle thrum of the speeder’s engine sounded like a roar in Zeb’s ears.

Shocked and hurt, Puggles turned over in his seat. His body was slumped against the door and his ears were drooping. A minute went by before he spoke. His voice was devoid of emotion.

“Yew jus’ keep on beein’ perfect Zeb. Show us pathetic losers what it’s like t’ be a livin’ god.”

Yeeeah, hopefully it will take me less than sixteen weeks to put up part three.