#and there’s more cons too honestly capitalism isn’t even the worst part of whatever the hell he has going on

[applettun]

Guys I got a new The Character™️ but he’s the worst guy ever actually so I may or may not actually post abt him. We will see.

[popculturebuffet]

Of Moons, Millionares and Mothers Part 3: Storkules in Duckburg! aka THE INCREDIBLE STORKULES TERRIBLE BUT WELL MEANING ROOMATE OUT OF MYTH

Hello all you happy people! And welcome and welcome back to Of Moons, Millionares and Mothers, my look at the season 2 arcs of Ducktales! This arc was paid for by WeirdKev27 and I truly enjoy his support. if you want to know how to commission your own reviews or to get a guarnateed review of me of your choice from me a month, stick around to the end. I realized that shoving all my plugs in up top may be driving people away and while I DO make them because I want to make a living off this, i’ts not fair to those of you who simply can’t afford to buy a lot of extra shit like myself to keep shoving it in your face. 

Previously on the Louie Inc Arc, Louie, after believing he had no skills and it was a matter of when not if he ws going to die, found his talent: seeing all the angles and thus being Sharper than the Sharpies. With newfound confidence and a chip on his shoulder from Scrooge saying he could one day be a bigger success than Scrooge himself, founding Louie Inc as a result. But what is Louie Inc? Does he actually have a plan or a bunch of buzzwords. And what does STORKULES, MANLY GAY OUT OF MYTH have to do with any of this? Join me under the cut to find out. 

We open with Louie giving Scrooge his sales pitch that is essentially...

Naturally Scrooge buys none of it. I mean he’s somewhere in his hundreds, he’s probably seen about 80 thousand pitches that amount to “I have no plan but give me money anyway”. There’s a reason there’s a Butch Hartman shaped crater on the lawn from where he threw his ass out. 

Scrooge does mentor the lad, or at least attempt to pointing out he needs an actual product or service (Louie rejects the idea of a lemonade stand as too easy), or as he puts it “Find a problem and create a solution”. 

While the basic PRINCIPAL isn’t bad, find something people want or need and provide it, phrasing it that way sounds like “find a problem people are having and exploit the shit out of that problem for fun and profit.” Granted that IS a guiding principal of business, it’s just not something an uncle should be teaching his kids. They should be teaching them about the anime and cartoons they grew up with as I do with my niece and nibling. 

He does show him a valid example of this in action in the form of Donald. Turns out Donald has found a good way to make money while he looks for a job, can relate: since Duckburg is facing a housing shortage, likely because several square blocks probably get destroyed by Scrooge’s Adventures, Glomgold’s Schemes, Superhero Battles, whatever creation went horribly wrong for Gyro, etc at least once a week. So he’s taken it upon himself to offer up the spare room to whoever can rent it.. and to steal Scrooge’s chandelier which even when caught he still takes anyway. Scrooge.. you called the guy a god-damn moocher in the season premiere, despite the fact he lives there soley because YOU offered and because he’s you know, being responsible and staying by his boys so they have their father figure around. So yeah I feel he’s doing this partly out of spite as is the McDuck way. I mean if your going to call him a freeloader just for being a responsible parent, then he’s going to take it up a damn notch.

Scrooge proceeds to laugh off Louie wanting a million dollars and gives him a dime instead because of course he was. Seriously Louie there are two other billionaires in town who are FAR dumber and far more easily swindled. Just go get star up capital from them. Hell with Glomgold all you’d have to do is tell him it’d upset scrooge and he’d literally throw money at you. Or give you a shark full of money. He needs the shark back though. He’s family. 

Meanwhile Donald prepares for his new tenant and finds.. THE INCREDIBLE STORKULES! Who to his mounting horror as he realizes it, IS the new tenant. And who throws him into the sun. Cue credits. 

So after Donald somehow survives being thrown into the sun, Storkules explains why he’s here: Zeus responded to his son playing the lute a lot like any rational reasonable 

No of course he responded to the “crime” of “playing his instrument a lot” with sending a swarm of harpies on the town then blaming Storkules for it and casting him out. What’s most shocking is not the action, this is honestly him staying the course of being a fucking disgrace, but that Zeus somehow ISN’T the biggest asshole i’ve dealt with this week. No that honor is reserved as always for this bitch:

Keep in mind she manages to be this obnoxious in only TWO scenes. Also keep in mind I had to put up with Julie for a MUCH larger chunk of the previous two volumes I covered before volume 5 yesterday for my Scott Pilgrim Retrospective and she is ALWAYS like this and you now feel my pain. 

This does create a problem though: Zeus casts Storkules out until he’s a responsible adult.. and thus paints Storkules as the bad guy... in a situation where the only other person in the story sent a swarm of HARPIES down at him for simply playing his music too loud. It just dosen’t work as a catalyst: Storkules objectively did nothing wrong. The only person he annoyed was a person who clearly dosen’t love, respect or like his son in any way shape or form anyway and essentially assaulted him and a bunch of innocent people via harpie and then cast him out. Zeus is an abusive asshole and i’ts weird the narrative sides with HIM and not our well meaning doofus. Zeus being an asshole with harpies is not a bad catalyst for the episode, and the harpies being unleashed is used well.. it’s just not a good catalyst for THIS story to try and portray an abuser as in the right. And make no mistake Zeus is a domestic abuser: he had his son mind controlled to try and MURDER innocent people, something Storkules begged him not to do, sent a swarm of creatures after him for the crime of playing his music too loud and in his next episode manipulatives Storkules sad emotional state for personal gain. Why would you try and paint THIS jackass as in the right?

Speaking of painting this jackass in the right sadly.. this episode does not do my boy donald justice. In most episodes he’s pretty nuanced and i’ts fair enough he’d be frustrated by Storkules as a roomate. Storkules has little sense of personal space, breaks his stove thinking theirs hydra in it, makes a mess of the kitchen making them a meal, and in general clearly dosen’t know how to live with a roomate much less in modern society. He has valid concerns and the episode COULD have used it that way.. but he’s also horribly impatient with Storkules. He refuses to get the guy just hasn’t had to live in a modern society and dosen’t know HOW to function in it and instead of helping him just gets mad again and again and gets really pissed when it’s clear Storkules dosen’t have a job and didn’t consider paying rent. He’s not WRONG to want him to pay Rent, despite what ironically the musical Rent would try and have you believe, but he dosen’t have any patience with the guy. And stork isn’t nearly coming on as strong as he normally does. The worst he does is cook the guy lunch and bring his donald fan art with him. Which we don’t see but I am assuming is mostly naked. What i’m saying is for once that while still bombastic, Storkules isn’t trying to force a relationship/friendship on him and simply wants to learn t be an adult from his best friend.. and Donald isn’t bothering teaching him.

Asking for rent or for him not to destroy the stove is fine, but not explaining WHY he needs either of those things or why he needs boundaries, he makes a roomate list, isn’t helping the guy. And this would be fine... but the episode dosen’t call Donald out on it for no real reason. It feels like it’s setting up for a “you should learn to wokrk with someone instead of just screaming at them aseop” that never comes and like with Zeus takes his side because shutup. I’d also LIKE to say this is the only time the writers reduced one of the cast to a caracture of themselves.. but I can’t.  Several episodes in season 3 forgot Louie’s character development and another episode in season 2, The Duck Knight Returns!, somehow reduced both Scrooge and Dewey to parodies of themselves with Scrooge SOMEHOW, despite Della as stubborn as she is being in his care and by his side for decades and Movies bein ga huge business, not having seen a movie since the 1920′s and not knowing how they work and Dewey being reduced to just hyperactive moron. It isn’t as common as other shows like say Regular Show, The Loud House or, for the exact reason I lost intrest, Rick and Morty, but I still expect better, especially since they went into this season KNOWING Donald would be gone for half of it and this would likely be one of his only spotlight episodes. 

Back at the good part of the plot, Louie is having a company meeting aka already treating Huey and Webby like his employees. Webby of course is glad to sign on, if little help in actually coming up with a product while Huey just wants to nope out. And if your wondering why Dewey isn’t involved Louie outright says he’d make a bad employee and while Dewey rises from his bed to object.. he stops halfway to opening his mouth and concludes he has a point. Best gag of the episode. Louie being louie easily cons Huey into staying by making Webby his charts officer. 

So the three have a corporate retreat at Funso’s... granted they don’t have a product but Louie figures this might help. Huey.. still wants out of this and suggest since they already spent what they had on ski ball “Company over?”. It’s clear that Huey just sees this as another one of Louie’s short sighted schemes... and while he’s not ENITRELY wrong, Louie has genuine ambition.. he just has no earthly idea what he’s doing and is shooting way too high.. but for understandable reasons. 1) He’s 11 at this point. 11 year olds aren’t great at business strategy or reinging it in. 2) he wants to live up to what Scrooge said to prove he can be successful and really be worth something like his mom was. 

But sometimes fate throws you one and the harpies bust in. And while Louie wants to do nothing and hope they go away Huey and Webby spring into action.. as does Storkules, who had to leave but warns donald there’s Orzo in the slowcooker and to not open it “LEST THE PASTA FAIL TO ABSORB THE BROTH!” Which is just.... Chris’ best line dleivery the episode. He says it like he’s saying the title of an old Stan Lee and Jack Kirby comic, i’ts wonderful.

So our heroes defeat them and Louie steps in to charge for the service and quickly comes up with a company idea and name “Harp-B-Gone” (A Subsidary of Louie Inc). Louie hires Storkules on the spot. Storkules proudly tells Donald he has a job the next day and goes off to it. What follows is our heroes hilarously shooting a commerical with Storkules playing a baby to promote themselves so they can help who needs it. They just need to find out what they want.. and thanks to the JWG and the harpies stealing it find out they go after people’s most treasured posessions   Cue Ghostbusters-Style Montage

And this isn’t just me saying thing. The Rewriting History Entry (Which as a series weirdly stops around mid-season 2 and I don’t get why frank hasn’t gone back and finished it since) states they specifically based this whole operation on ghostbusters and the entire sequence of our heroes cleanin up the town reminds me of it. The highlight of it is a glomgold cameo where he’s kidnapped.. and refuses to pay so Louie just lets him go. And were this an innocent person who couldn’t afford it, i’d call him a monster.. but it’s glomgold. he brought this on himself.. and also sues himself for it. Wonder if he won. 

So with their stars rising, our heroes get booked on the hottest show in town: Dewey Dew-Night! I had honestly forgotten there was a Dewey Dew-Night segment in there, and delighted I get to talk about this recurring bit.  It’s one of the shows funniest runners and just perfectly FITS Dewey: of course the most egotistical and energetic of the kids would not only want to be a late hnight host but make up his own show. I also love the slow evolution of it: it started as something everyone clearly knew about but he stlill tried to keep hidden, slowly escalated to him allowing the rest of his siblings (Webby very much included) and the giant man who stalks his uncle in, and by later this season he’s putting the show online in the web shorts and gladly shooting it into space, with Season 3 having him spend the first half of let’s get dangerous making a documentary that includes an episode of the show featuring Darkwing. It’s a small thing sure, but it’s the little things like this that make the show special. 

The show does reveal a problem though as it turns out they’ve GOT all the harpies and while Storkules merely wanted to help, Louie points out they need more to keep a buisness going and naturally never bothered to ask Storkules just how many there were. They need SOME plan to get going. Webby submits a legitamte and great idea, training the harpies as she’s been trying to do in the background of the episode and aside from a hole in the floor they are starting to listen. But Huey is an ass about it and not only shoots it down saying let’s keep the dangerous creatures contained, even though A) he has no idea WHERE they’ve been kept so he can’t verify it’s safe, and since i’ts Donald’s Closet no no it’s not. and B)There’s no where he knows of to keep them. He isn’t aware of the other bin till next season. and C) it’s not ehtical to keep creatures locked up forever epsecially since while the harpies are dangerous they arent’ MALEVOLENT and are clearly acting on instinct. oh and for D) at least she has a plan to keep the company going instead of just wanting to end this and cash out. 

Which Huey tries to.. but naturally Louie spent all their money on...

So their broke.. and Storkules has no rent money and feels like a failure despite having done NOTHING wrong. We do get a clever little nod to Disney’s hercules though “I”m not a hero, i’m a zero”. Webby rightfully glares at Louie who decides to fix it... by sneaking into Donald’s house that night to free the harpies. 

Though to the shows credit it’s a VERY bad idea, and Storkules coming in mid attempt and congradulating Louie when he lies about checking the door gets the kid to come clean. And it’s a nice character moment: He could still go through with it.. but it’s clear he realizes just HOW low he was about to sink to save his own skin and that as much as Storkules WANTS a paycheck and deserves one, it’s not worth hurting people to get it. Louie tries to justify after this.. but can’t. 

Unforutnately Donald took a lot of stupid pills this episode, yells about his no pets rule and frees them instead of you know, THINKING for five minutes.

So yeah NATURALLY Donald is an angry shit about it , refusing to actually TALK to Storkules about this or maybe admit this is partly HIS OWN FAULT. Yes their both at fault, Storkules shoudln’t of shoved a bunch of harpies in a closet. That’s a classic blunder. But Donald still opened it and isn’t called out on taking zero responsibility. Huey sees the fracas and just takes down their days without an accident placard, good stuff and he and webby arrive to help. Donald fights with Storkules and Storkules worries about loosing his friend.. lead to them going after the thing he values most aka donlad and hyjacking the house boat, though the kids manage to get aboard. 

As Storkules saves Donald, Louie realizes the most precious thing he has is  his merch and willingly gives it, and his buisness up to save everyone. It’s good character stuff and shows that despite his problems with greed, Louie IS a good kid and will do the right thing. It’s what seperates him from the Rouges Gallery the family faces: He has FLEXIBLE morals but he has morals when it comes down to it. So everyone tosses the stoff to help direct the hapries and make it home tying them up. Donald has a heart to heart with Storkules and agrees to help him find another place, but still considers him a friend and they hug. Awww.  One intresting thing I DID find out from rewriting history is they originally fully intended to have Storkules STAY on the houseboat. He was going to be a permenant member of the household, at least as far as Season 2 was concenred and plans were made for several episodes down the road: the whole bit with him in “The Golden Spear” was simply because he lived there, he was going to be the one Della met in the houseboat, obliviously guilting her about what she’d missed, and he was going to set off the kids subplot in “Whatever Happened to Donald Duck?”

This ended up not happneing for logistical reasons: Frank, and I swear this was the term he used, felt they already had the perfect Himbo in Launchpad and it was just too much HImbo energy for the two to coexist without one taking the others screen time or neither getting a lot. 

The next reason was having a god around simply broke the story: He cited the gilded man from “Nothing Can Stop Della Duck!” as a specific example. There were just too many hoops to jump to have him not break any story he should be around for.  Finally with Della being added to the cast soon there simply wasn’t room in the main cast. Della brought it up to 9, Storkules would make it 10, and as i’ve gone on about the show already had trouble ballancing it’s cast, something Frank admitted to. Adding him would both be too big a stiatus quo change and be one on top of the massive one of Della joining the cast. So he was dropped back to recurring and only showed up one more time. And while it was the right call I am dismayed he didn’t show up for the whatever happened to donald duck subplot and it does feel very weird he never adresses Donald being gone despite, at least for season 2, apparently living in Duckburg. Otherwise though as funny as this wouldv’e been.. yeah it was the right call. 

Scrooge returns... having been absent all episode because otherwise it wouldn’t work and easily saw Louie loosing it all coming.. but gives him a can of lemonade for his troubles and comforts the boy. The heart of htis arc and what makes it work at it’s best.. is these two. Scrooge GENUINELY wants to help Louie see his potetial successor in buisness: oh sure adventure wise he’s throughly covered.. but Webby, Dewey and Della all are more focused on the addventure part and that’s where their passion and talent lies, Huey’s better at science and given his close frinedship with fenton and how much that part of things seems to truly inspire him, i’ts what he was born for, and Donald just wants a regualar life and can’t manage his own life much less a company. 

Louie is the only one in his family whose the right fit to inhereit that part of his legacy and I feel that’s why he takes a special intrest in him and webby over the other two: While he loves all of them and will clearly again leave a piece of his fortune and empire to all of them, Webby is the most like him, as we later find out not coincidentally in the slightest, when it comes to adventuring and curosity and a love of exploration. But Louie is the most like him in other ways; He’s cynical, money driven and passionate. Scrooge simply wants him to be as good a person and buisnessperson as he can be and is trying to push him in the right direction. And does so here by pointing out that failure isn’t a huge problem..it happens, comes with the terriotiry and as we’ve seen with life and times, even with portions of it clearly not happening in this universe, he failed a LOT to get here. What matters is that he tries and tries to do it the right way. 

Scrooge also sympathizes as he was buying a lemonade company in cape suzette, giving Louie the can as a present... but laments there’s no cheap effective way to deliver the lemons. Louie notices the harpies going after the can after he throws it and Webby controlling them with it and muses that theyd idn’t think about what THEY wanted.. nad rightfully gets punched across the lawn by Webby, whose had to spend an entire episode having her surrogate brothers talk down to her and ignore her valid ideas. She dosen’t even open her eyes she just bops him one.

So we end with Scrooge having enlisted the hapries, Louie trying to take credit again and both realizing they might just steal the lemons instead of work for them. Ha ha ha their going to get so sued. 

Final Thoughts: This one was mediocre. It has some good points, Louies arc continues to fascenate me, Huey’s done with this shit attitude is hilarous, and Storkules is at his best in this episode: his crush on Donald is toned down from this..

To this

To the point I could see shipping them off this one if Storkules episode didn’t have him do eveyrthing short of .. well see above.  So it’s not WITHOUT merit: I love me a ghost busters style plot, there are great jokes and Chris Dimatopolis is a gem as always. Glad he’s getting work after this show on Invincible and hope he gets to play Darkwing again some day. But the Donald stuff and the fairly predictable plot drag this one down. I’ts fairly obvious they’ll run out of harpies, Louie will have spent the money and they’ll somehow get free. It’s not a terrible episode but it’s it’s sandwiched story wise between two straight up classics on both sides: the previous two episodes were even better than I remembered and the next two are incredibly good: Whateve Happened to Della Duck?! is one of their finest hours and The Outlaw Scrooge McDuck, while not making my best of list for the series as a whole is still one of my favorites for the season.  It’s just disapointing this one wasn’t nearly as good as I remmebered and it’s understandable why I forgot almost all of it, unlike the previous two episodes. Thankfully as I said better’s over the horizon.

NEXT TIME ON OF MOONS, MILLIONARES AND MOTHERS: I’m taking a break for a week. One of two weeklong breaks for the arc, the other being the first week of July where i’m on vacation anyway (Though i’ll be doing the episode I would’ve done for that week the week before to keep the pace up, so no worries),

 As for why, it’s my utmost honor to announce GOOF WEEK! Goof Week is a weeklong celebration of Goofy’s birthday. The idea came about because as I do for the big three, I intended to just do a shorts special. But Kev , the guy who made this very review possible, suggested doing the two part Goof Troop pilot. And since kev pays for a house of mouth episode a month anyway and thaks to you lovely people I hit my patreon stretch goal to review the goofy movie, I figured “why not make a week out of it. Hence Goof week. So next week we’ll have a review of the two part pilot for Goof Troop, the special Sports Goof, the House of Mouse episode Super Goof, your regularly schedule shorts spectacular, with The Goofy Movie for the grand finale! yaaahoooooieeee! 

When we come back i’ll be shuffling episodes around slightly so I can do the Della comics from the Ducktales Tie-In Comic before her debut and in time for Donald’s own theme week in June, i’ll be saving “Whatever Happened to Della Duck?” for the week after Donald Week. Instead next we get a fun wild west adventure as Scrooge tells a story of his outlaw days, his tension with goldie and his encounter with a certain robber baron as John D Rockerduck FINALLY makes his screen debut. Yee-Haw!

If you liked this review, subscribe and follow for more and consider joining my patroen, patreon.com/popculturebuffet. I have exclusive reviews, my most recent duck based one being an obscure carl barks story about wigs and the boys attempting to murder a guy with a blow gun, and your contribution helps me reach my goals and thus gets everyone, patreon or not, a bunch of neat new reviews. If you get me to 20 dollars a month, i’m currently at 15, EVERYONE will get a monthly darkwing duck reviews, reviews of the two remaning ducktales 87 mini series including the origin of GIZMOOOODDUUUUUCCCKKKK, and a review of the Danny Phantom movie The Ultimate Enemy. And with the month running out NOW’S the time to join. YOu’ll also get to pick one of the shorts for my Donald Duck birthday specail next month, so if you want to join in NOWS the time. But wether you can or you can’t, thank you for reading, i’ts been a pleasure. 

[artificialqueens]

Duality, Chapter 3 (Crygi) - Metaluna

Chapter summary: *Stefon from Saturday Night Live voice* this chapter has everything, awkward morning afters, time jumps, anniversary sex, and fluff

A/N: I am SO sorry that I keep forgetting to submit to here, especially if you only read fics on here, but as a reminder all of my fics on ao3 (this has two more chapters oops)

When Crystal woke up, there was a quilt delicately draped over her body. The events of the previous night were foggy. As she thought about it further, she wasn’t sure if she was remembering correctly. Crystal remembered going home with Gigi, and remembered having sex. Amazing sex. But, halfway through, she could have sworn that Gigi bit her leg, and upon thinking even further, could have sworn Gigi said she was a vampire.

Impossible.

Crystal sat up and looked around. It was still dark outside, meaning she could probably step away, unnoticed, and could try her best to forget about the fact she may or may not have slept with a fucking vampire. She carefully put her dress on, looking at the torn-up thong on the ground, with a sigh. It was her favorite. Crystal realized Gigi was nowhere to be found, but the door was shut, and she could see the light coming from underneath.

Crystal knew her plans of sneaking out without Gigi noticing were slim, but she tried to formulate a game plan. She looked out the window, but then remembered they were on the third floor. For a second, Crystal tried to determine how injured she would get if she jumped out of a third story window.

There was no other way than to just walk through the front door. It was a one-night stand, what did Gigi expect?

She slowly opened the door, and saw that Gigi was sitting on the couch, petting a cat, watching a movie. Crystal knew it was stupid, but she tried her best to sneak behind Gigi, who appeared to be engrossed in the movie

Gigi turned her head as Crystal swore silently. “You’re awake.”

“Uh-huh. I was just leaving…”

“Why?” Gigi asked, genuinely curious.

“You’re joking, right?” Gigi raised an eyebrow. “You don’t have a lot of one-night stands, do you?”

Gigi shook her head.

“Well, generally, one doesn’t stay and chat afterwards. In fact, ideally, the person who the apartment doesn’t belong to can wake up before the other person, and can leave, never to be seen again.”

“What do you remember about last night?” Gigi asked.

“I remember you tearing my thong off of me. I remember that the sex was incredible . But, I remember something weird… But I probably just had a dream or something.”

“What do you supposedly remember?”

“You had… fangs… You asked for me to consent, like, a lot, which is great. Consent is key. Anyway, you said you were… a vampire. Which, like, isn’t possible. Vampires aren’t real.”

“They’re not?”

To Crystal’s surprise, after Gigi smiled as two fangs slid down from where her canines were.

“What the fuck?” Crystal whispered.

“If you’d like, I can make you forget about everything. This past night, my vampirism, me as a whole…”

Crystal bit her lip as she weighed the pros and cons. The pros included she’d forget about vampires existing. The cons were that she’d forget quite possibly the best sex she’d ever had, and that she’d forget about vampires existing.

“No…” Crystal trailed off.

“Are you certain?”

Crystal shook her head. “But uh, I think I’m going to leave to process this.”

“That’s understandable.”

“Do you uh, want my number? Honestly that was great sex. I’m down to fuck again.”

Gigi smirked. “I’m glad to know that it was good. I’ve unfortunately been in about a twenty-year dry spell.”

Crystal was taken aback. “When I process this can we maybe talk? About… things? If you want? Or you can just fuck me again… If you want.”

“Are you serious?” Gigi asked incredulously. “You’re asking me to fuck you again when you passed out once you came last night?”

Crystal flushed. “You’re right. Do you want my number or not?”

“I wouldn’t be opposed,” Gigi said, petting the cat next to her as she handed Crystal her phone.

As Crystal handed back her phone, Gigi stifled a laugh. “Your name is not Crystal Methyd.”

Once again, Crystal flushed. “My parents hate me… Anyway. This was… something. Call me. If you want. Or don’t. I’m sure you’re busy… With whatever it is you do.”

“Servicing dead bodies?” Gigi smirked, repeating Crystal’s comment from the previous night.

“Yeah. That. Okay, bye.”

Gigi didn’t know how a human was going to react when told they just had sex with a vampire. She thought she was going to have to glamour the girl, thinking that she would be traumatized. To Gigi’s surprise, Crystal not only was calm about the entire situation, but also seemed intrigued. Again, proving Crystal was not like other humans.

Akasha meowed as she rubbed her head against Gigi’s hand.

“I know, Akasha. For the first time in nearly a century, I’m at a loss.”

In an attempt to get her mind off of Crystal and the events of the night, Gigi decided to watch The Lost Boys . She began thinking more about Crystal, not realizing that the movie had ended.

Shutting the TV off, she looked at her phone. It was still on the contacts screen. Crystal wrote her name as Crystal Methyd with the blood drop emoji after it. She decided to text her so Crystal could save her number, at least that’s what she told herself, even though she didn’t fully believe it.

Hello. This is Gigi. I just figured you would want to have my number, too.

Checking the time, it was only five in the morning, meaning Crystal was probably asleep. Considering Gigi drank enough blood to nearly kill Crystal, she more than likely would need to sleep it off.

To Gigi’s surprise, Crystal texted back ten minutes later.

oh hi! it’s good to hear from you! tbh i thought you were gonna ghost me

Gigi wasn’t sure why Crystal didn’t capitalize anything in her sentences. Why wouldn’t anyone use proper grammar? It’s not like it was hard.

Are you feeling okay? You should probably get some sleep. If I’m being honest, I took a little bit more blood than I intended. Heat of the moment.

omg i cant believe a hot vampire almost killed me purely from being too horny. anyway yea i just happened to wake up for a sec and saw the notif

I… honestly don’t know how to respond to that, because you are 100 percent correct. Which I hate.

lmaoo usually i take at LEAST two days to text a girl, and at minimum three to ask her out. but, do you wanna meet up later?  

Gigi was genuinely shocked at Crystal’s confidence.

That sounds wonderful, I had nothing planned today.

how about the park? what time is good for you? also wont you like burst into flames or something if it’s daytime?

…I don’t sleep. Also, you can’t believe every myth about vampires you hear in popular culture. I don’t particularly enjoy the sun, but I’ll be fine.

omg, good to know.  so, i feel really tired which now i know is because your horny vampire ass lost control. can i text you when i wake up?  

Gigi rolled her eyes.

I’m choosing to ignore the middle part of that sentence. Yes, text me when you feel up to it.

Part of Crystal didn’t want to text Gigi once she woke up. When she thought about the fact that she had sex with a really fucking hot vampire, she couldn’t believe it. It sounded insane. Another part of Crystal wanted to text her back asking her to Men in Black her so that she couldn’t remember the night. The last part of Crystal wanted to text Gigi back, talk to her, and hook up again. The sex was incredible, and she felt selfish for falling asleep before she could fuck her back. It was only fair for them to hook up at least one more time.  

She wasn’t going to do it. She was going to just try to forget the one-night stand and go on with her life. Crystal had work to do for the museum, especially if she was going to impress her boss, Sasha, enough for a promotion. Becoming the creative director of the Chicago Museum of Visual Arts was more important than sex could ever be.

Just as she decided she wasn’t going to meet up with Gigi, she overheard her roommates argue about dishes. It wasn’t arguing, it was more of a screaming match. Crystal rolled over in bed and used her pillow to muffle the sound, which didn’t work.

She sighed as she picked up her phone.

hey! just woke up, i feel like i have the world’s worst hangover. anyway, do you wanna meet up in like an hour?

Gigi texted back quickly. Crystal was always impressed with the perfect grammar and capitalization Gigi used. Who had the time for that? Definitely not Crystal.

Yes, that’s the after-effect of having been fed on, unfortunately. I hope that it was worth it, though. I’ll see you in an hour.

Usually, Crystal was an extremely confident person. She had to be in order to move up at the museum as quickly as she did. But, while she was getting ready to meet with Gigi, she felt like crawling into a hole. Everything in her closet was suddenly ugly, and every way she did her makeup looked bad.

Eventually, Crystal gave up and wore minimal makeup and a flannel.

The park was walking distance from her apartment. Since it was September, the city was cooling down, not enough to be freezing, but enough to need a jacket. Crystal thanked herself for wearing a flannel.

Because she lived so close to the park, she got there before Gigi did. She almost sat on a bench directly in the sun to warm up, but then remembered Gigi saying that she didn’t like the sun, so she decided on a bench under a large tree.

Crystal checked her phone. It was noon. Where was Gigi?

Just as she started to feel discouraged, her phone vibrated.

Hello, sorry. My cat decided to vomit on my rug, so I had to take care of it. Be there soon.

Gigi made good, and showed up to the park ten minutes later. She found Crystal, and sat down on the bench next to her.

“Is your cat okay?” Crystal asked.

“Yes, she’s fine.”

“Good.”

There was an awkward pause.

Gigi began running her fingers up and down the necklace she was wearing. “I’m sure you have a lot of questions.”

“I don’t really know where to start,” Crystal said.

“Nothing is off-limits, if it gets too bad I’ll just glamour you, and we can start over.” Gigi waved her hand in front of Crystal’s face.

Crystal didn’t say anything.

“I’m kidding.”

“Oh.” Crystal could appreciate a dry sense of humor, but damn. “Okay, first question. Do you do that with all the people you… eat?”

“Well, to start, I don’t eat people, I feed from them. Secondly, no. You’re the first.”

Crystal felt an odd sense of pride. “Really? Why?”

“Honestly, I have no idea,” Gigi admitted. “I don’t know what came over me. Usually, I bring people back to the funeral home, feed off of them, kill them, and dispose of the evidence.”

Crystal was shocked by how freely she was talking about murder. “Oh! That’s another question. Why do you work at a funeral home? Like, why work at all? Don’t vampires just brood about their existence, or something?”

“It may not seem like it, but brooding for nearly a century gets old after a point. Back in the eighties, I decided I was too bored brooding, and a funeral home just seemed like a good fit. Having the blood from the bodies is a plus, too.”

“Wait. How old are you?” Crystal asked.

“I was born in 1905.”

Crystal was shocked. “I know I like older women, but goddamn.”

“Thanks,” Gigi said dryly. “If it makes a difference, I was twenty-two when I transformed.”

“Well if you look at it like that, I’m older than you. By four years. Random one, but can you read minds?”

“I can’t personally, but it’s possible, yes.”

“Wait, what?”

“Vampires can form a psychic bond between themselves and a human, but it’s not very common. I don’t personally know any vampires who have done it. We tend to not get that close to humans, myself included,” Gigi said looking away from Crystal.

“Next question. What was so different about me? Like, you say you don’t get close to humans, but here we are, in the middle of this park, talking about how you’re…” Crystal realized she raised her voice a little too loudly causing a woman who was walking her dog to look at them.

“A funeral director?” Gigi said, trying to recover. “I’ve tried racking my brain around everything that happened, and I have no idea why I took you back to my apartment, and I don’t know why I let everything else… unfold.”

“Oh,” Crystal said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Not that I regret it, not by any means.”

“You did say you lost control in the heat of the moment. Let’s just say that I’m so intoxicatingly attractive, you had no choice but to be engrossed by me.”

Gigi rolled her eyes. “Sure. Let’s go with that.”

“Can you turn into a bat?”

Gigi sighed and rested her head in her hands. There was something special about this girl.

One year later

Crystal rubbed her hands together as she blew in them in an attempt to create heat. It was late, past midnight, but it was she and Gigi’s favorite time to walk in the park. It was almost always empty, which they appreciated.

“It’s so cold,” Crystal complained. “You’re lucky you can’t get cold.”

Gigi rubbed her own hands together and rubbed Crystal’s upper arms.

“Stop! You aren’t helping. You’re always cold, and you’re making it worse.” Crystal led the two of them to a bench.

“This is the bench where I told you everything,” Gigi mused.

Crystal rested her head on her girlfriend and smiled. “I can’t believe it’s been a year.”

“Happy anniversary, darling,” Gigi said kissing Crystal’s forehead.

“Happy anniversary, baby.”

Since there wasn’t an official date that Gigi and Crystal started calling each other girlfriends, they decided to go with the date Crystal learned everything.

“You were just complaining about how cold I was, and now you’re pressed up against my body.”

Crystal held her hand up as she shut her eyes. “Shh, don’t ruin the moment, babe.”

Gigi rolled her eyes as she held Crystal’s hand. “I never in my undead life thought that I would be in love with a human.”

“Not trying to be gay, but I’m so proud of how far you’ve come this past year.”

“How so?”

“Well, the second time that we hung out you went on a tangent about how you hated basically ever human you’ve ever met but me. Oh, and in general, you’re just a lot nicer to humans that aren’t me. Like, remember that time we went to the mall and that lady cut you off and you looked like you were going to kill everyone in the mall? Like, fangs out and everything?”

Gigi rubbed the smooth pendant of her necklace. “I don’t recall what you’re talking about.”

“Liar. You’re playing with your necklace. I know you, baby.”

Pursing her lips, Gigi tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “You do.”

“Crystal! Fuck! ” Gigi moaned as she reached climax, her hips rocking as she sat on her rightful throne, Crystal’s face. As Crystal skillfully flicked her tongue over Gigi’s clit, it took everything in her power to not crush her girlfriend’s face with her thighs.

Coming down from her climax, Gigi  adjusted herself so that she was straddling Crystal.

“Do you want to go for round six?” Gigi’s tone was innocent, but her smile was sinful.

Crystal shook her head. “I want to be able to walk tomorrow.”

“Fair enough,” Gigi said as she laid her head on the pillow next to Crystal. “I love you, darling. Happy anniversary.”

“Happy anniversary,” Crystal said tenderly kissing her girlfriend.

Gigi bit her finger and drew blood as she rubbed it over Crystal’s neck where she’d fed from which caused the puncture marks to disappear as if they’d never been there. “I know you like having the marks on your thighs.”

“They’re like souvenirs!” Crystal said happily tracing one of the marks on her left thigh.

“You are so strange.”

“You love me.”

“You’re right,” Gigi said, kissing her girlfriend.

Crystal yawned. “How much blood did you take tonight?”

Gigi looked away, licking her finger.

“Baby!” Crystal whined.

“You certainly weren’t complaining when my head was between your legs, darling. Especially during round three.”

Crystal yawned again, nestling into Gigi’s arms. “True. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Gigi usually only waited for Crystal to fall asleep before she went into the living room. But, Crystal looked so peaceful so she stayed a little longer, just taking in the sight of her beautiful love. Eventually, she carefully crept out of the bed and kissed Crystal’s forehead. Ensuring the blankets were on just as Crystal liked, Gigi quietly shut the door.

It’s not that Gigi particularly liked watching TV and movies as much as she did, but she had nothing better to pass the time. Scrolling through Netflix, she settled on The Haunting of Hill House.

Silently critiquing inconsistencies in the funeral home in the show, she heard Crystal open the bedroom door.

“Darling? Could you not sleep?”

Crystal didn’t reply, but instead ran into the bathroom and shut the door. Gigi heard Crystal turn the bathroom fan on. Try she may, Crystal couldn’t silence the sound of her vomiting from her girlfriend’s heightened hearing.

Gigi knocked on the bathroom door lightly. “Crystal?”

No response.

“Crystal, are you okay?”

Crystal only groaned in response.

“Can I come in?”

No response.

“I’m coming in.”

Gigi had seen a lot of things in her life that should have made her sad that didn’t. Seeing her love laying on the bathroom floor resting her head against the toilet seat was extremely upsetting. Crystal groaned again, which caused Gigi to kneel down by her.

Stroking Crystal’s hair, Gigi said, “What do you need me to do?”

Crystal groaned again before looking at Gigi. “Heidi was out sick with the flu the other day, and I’m just remembering now that we shared a sandwich.”

“Oh, darling, that’s probably why you’re so exhausted.”

“I’m sorry I blamed you,” Crystal mumbled.

“Shh, it’s okay.” Gigi effortlessly picked Crystal up and carried her to bed.

“My hero,” Crystal said, swooning dramatically.

“Do you need anything?”

“Water.”

Rarely did Gigi use her vampire speed. Most of the time, it wasn’t necessary, especially recently. But, this was necessary. She returned before Crystal could blink.

“That’s new,” Crystal said as she graciously took the glass.

“I don’t do that often. It’s not needed.”

“Getting your girlfriend water was a circumstance of needing to become The Flash?”

“Yes,” Gigi said as she got into bed with Crystal and covered them with the blankets.

Crystal sat the glass on the nightstand as she fell asleep in her girlfriend’s loving embrace.

It took Crystal barely ten minutes to fall back asleep. It was six in the morning, and Gigi knew she wasn’t going into work. She had a sick girlfriend to take care of.

Gigi scrolled through her contacts until she found Jackie’s number.

Jackie answered the phone instantly. “Gigi? Is everything okay? Do you need me to come in early?”

“Everything’s okay, no not unless you want to. But that’s not why I’m calling. I’m calling because I have a very sick girlfriend who I need to tend to. I’m not going to be coming in today. Do you think you can handle yourself?”

“As long as there’s no one that needs any reconstruction work.”

It was enduring to Gigi that Jackie referred to the bodies as people.

Gigi sighed. “Okay, if that happens, call me and I’ll come in.”

“Tell Crystal I say feel better soon!”

“Of course.”

Now that work was taken care of, Gigi had to go to the grocery store. Before she and Crystal started dating, Gigi hadn’t stepped foot in a grocery store in nearly a century. In the past year, she’d become well-versed on where everything was kept. After picking up all the ingredients she needed, she returned home, hoping she still knew how to be a good little housewife-to-be.

Before becoming a vampire, Gigi already had an incredible memory. Vampirism only heightened it, meaning Gigi could remember almost every recipe that her mother taught her how to make. Even though Crystal didn’t cook often, she still had a nice collection of pots and pans.

Gigi was so engrossed in cooking, she didn’t realize Crystal had migrated from the bed to the couch.

“Babe, what are you doing?” Crystal asked as she sat up on the couch.

“You need to eat.”

“It’s only eight, and the last thing I want to do is eat.”

“It’ll take some time for the soup to cook.”

Crystal raised an eyebrow. “Baby, I love you, but you haven’t cooked anything in like ninety years, and now you’re making me soup from scratch?”

Gigi sat on the arm of the couch as she stroked her girlfriend’s hair. “I think that you’re forgetting I was in training to be a housewife.”

“God, I can only imagine how adorable you must have looked in a poofy dress and apron,” Crystal said before she fell into a coughing fit, somehow still managing to laugh.

“You’ve called me many different names this past year, but I think ‘adorable’ is a first.”

“Honestly, I’d pay a lot of dollars to see what you looked like as a human.”

Suddenly, Gigi got an idea. “Hold that thought.”

Gigi went into the bedroom and laid on her stomach. Using her phone’s flashlight, she first saw her and Crystal’s box of sex toys, but deeper under the bed was a much smaller box. Stretching as far she could, Gigi reached the box.

Before leaving the bedroom, Gigi made sure to take one thing out of the box before returning to Crystal.

“You said you wanted to see what I looked like as a human?”

Crystal nodded. “I’d literally pay to see it.”

“Well, pay up, love.” Gigi handed Crystal three framed photos from when she was a human.

“How did you get these?”

“A few months after I was turned, I snuck into my parent’s home in the middle of the night.”

Crystal gasped and put her hand over her mouth. They were definitely her girlfriend. Her facial expression mirrored when she had to interact with humans she found annoying. Gigi’s eyes were what were the most unmistakable part of  the photo. Even though they were in black and white, somehow Gigi’s eyes still had the sparkle that Crystal adored. Despite the photos being in black and white, it was still easy to see that Gigi was wearing light colors, something that didn’t normally happen.

The first photo was Gigi and a girl who looked just like her.

“Is that Nora?” Crystal asked. It had taken Gigi quite some time before she talked about her human life, but one night, Gigi and Crystal spent the entire night up until the early morning talking about her human life.

Gigi nodded.

“She’s beautiful.”

The next photo was a family photo. Crystal smiled as she saw that Gigi looked just like her mother. “You all look like each other.”

“That’s what everyone always told us.”

The final photo made Crystal gasp audibly. “Holy shit.”

Crystal wasn’t entirely sure if she was seeing what she thought she saw. The man in the photo with Gigi, who she presumed was her fiance, was a face she’d seen in her middle school history books.

“What?”

“You were engaged to James Rossini?” Crystal asked incredulously.

Gigi nodded.

“Did you know he was one of Chicago’s biggest mobsters back then?”

Gigi shook her head. “He and his father were always very secretive about what they did for a living. Nora ended up marrying his cousin. He mainly kept the books and didn’t kill anyone, which is why you’ve never heard of him.”

“God, I can just see you as a fancy schmancy mob wife, babe. In a huge mansion surrounded by nice things,” Crystal said.

“Well, now I buy myself nice things,” Gigi said looking around their apartment.

Crystal couldn’t stop staring at the photos. It was as though she saw a side of her girlfriend that she never thought she would ever get to see.

Crystal managed to doze off again, but was woken up by the sound of the oven timer. She peeked over the couch and saw Gigi was smiling at the photos before she got up to check on the soup boiling on the stove.

Every so often, there were moments where Crystal could see her girlfriend’s vulnerability. They were extremely rare, but when they happened, it was as though she was looking at a different person. Gigi’s coldness towards most people was an act that Crystal could see right through, even if Gigi wasn’t aware of it.

“Are you hungry, darling?”

“A little,” Crystal said sitting up on the couch.

Gigi brought over a bowl and the ginger ale that Crystal swore could cure cancer.

“I used to make this all the time when my family members were sick. I’m sure it’s not nearly as good as it was when I used to make it regularly.” Gigi took the seat on the couch next to Crystal.

Crystal blew on the soup on her spoon to cool it down. She was nervous, since she had absolutely no idea what to expect. Gigi watched in anticipation as Crystal had her first bite.

“Oh my God, babe, it’s so good.”

Gigi’s face lit up. “Really?”

Crystal nodded. After finishing the bowl and setting it on the questionably assembled coffee table, she kissed Gigi. “I’m glad you can’t get sick.”

“Me, too.”

“I love you, my good little trophy wife.”

Gigi rolled her eyes. “I am not.”

“Wife” was a word that Gigi never thought of when she looked at Crystal. Anytime it would come up on accident, the subject would be changed.

“You’re pretty good at taking care of the living, too,” Crystal mused. “Who would have thought?”

“Not me.”

In that moment, Gigi swore her life was perfect. If only it would last forever.