#and there wasn’t anyone who could speak demonic around but. i need this account lmao

[khadgarbignaturals]

5:30 am server time and i have to start fighting the demons that want to scream faggot in demonic at the anniversary festival

[hallowxiu]

Human Realm Delicacy

word count: 2.1k

summary: A thought pops into your head, and suddenly you have the urge to give the characters your favorite human world food.

a/n: this is pretty much just crack, but i got this idea in my head some time last week and i needed to write it lol

mc is gender neutral btw 

“Please?”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“Why?”

“Your cooking is horrific.” Alright, he sure isn’t holding back his thoughts today, you find yourself thinking.

“But it’s a human delicacy!” You stomp your foot on the ground, hands planted on your hips as you stubbornly stare up at the eldest demon. “Let me cook it for you! It’s all the rave with the humans! They love it! I bet Luke and Lord Diavolo would enjoy it too.” Maybe not Barbatos, but you decide to keep that to yourself. Lucifer’s looking at you with a look full of doubt.

“If you give Lord Diavolo food poisoning, I will make sure that I end your entire bloodline.”

“Deal!”

Lucifer sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “You shouldn’t make deals so easily with demons.” He chides lightly. “And there was nothing to make a deal on, we didn’t agree to anything.”

“We did!” You immediately argue back. “I agreed to make a dish from the human realm and you agreed to end my entire bloodline if I poison Lord Diavolo.” Lucifer’s eye is twitching in annoyance but he decides to lay the matter to rest. He knew you could be just as stubborn, if not more stubborn, than his brothers and talking you out of your idea would be nearly impossible, even if he did bring up punishment methods in an attempt to intimidate you. You watch in triumph as Lucifer turns and walks away, muttering colorful words under his breath.

👽👽👽

“I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve gathered all of you here today.” You’re talking to an empty room. “Well, don’t worry! The answer is staring you right in your face.” It’s really a shame that no one can see the smug look of confidence on your face. You were also in your pajamas at the dining room table. That alone would earn you a scolding from Lucifer or Satan.

You were currently practicing the reveal of your… delicacy , to the brothers, the angels, Solomon, and Lord Diavolo and Barbatos. Although you could have spent this time preparing your dish, you thought presentation was also an essential part to a good meal. You were convinced none of them, with the exception of maybe Solomon, had tried this dish before, so you needed it to be perfect.

“What’s happening?” Beelzebub asks as he walks into the kitchen, opening the fridge to rummage for food. “Who are you talking to?” You feel your cheeks warm in embarrassment and freeze in place. Maybe if you stay still long enough he’ll forget you’re there. A few seconds of silence pass and just as you’re starting to think you got lucky, Beelzebub walks up beside you, staring at the empty table as he snacks on some food. “Are you feeling okay?” He looks over at you with a quirked eyebrow. “I don’t see anyone at the table.”

You close your eyes and inhale deeply before looking up at the red headed demon. “I’m practicing my presentation skills.” There wasn’t a point in lying, not after getting caught talking to yourself. You feel a sheepish smile form on your lips as you rock on the heels of your feet. You figured that out of all the demons you lived with, having Beelzebub be the one to walk in on you was for the best. You’re pretty sure Lucifer or Satan would have immediately lectured you on lack of sleep, and you think you’d get questioning glances from everyone else. “Lucifer probably told everyone by now, but I plan on cooking everyone a human dish and I want the presentation for it to be perfect. It enhances the experience, after all.” You nod firmly to yourself as if to confirm your own words.

“He did tell us.” There’s a look of excitement on his face and his stomach begins to growl at the mere thought of whatever dish you’d be cooking up for them. “I’m excited. It’s a special treat when you’re able to cook for us.”

You look up at him with a quizzical look. “Really? Because Lucifer said my cooking was, quote on quote, horrific.” He shrugs his shoulders in response before turning around and walking back to the fridge.

“It’s still better than Solomon’s though.”

👽👽👽

You scan the aisles of the market as you push your shopping cart, your eyes scanning the shelves for your special ingredients. You didn’t need a ton of ingredients, but maybe the brothers and other guests would appreciate some side dishes. At least, you knew Beelzebub would anyway. “How long do ya have to take? I have plenty of other things I could be doin’ right now!” You turn around to look at Mammon sulking behind you, hands buried deep in his pockets as he looks around with an uninterested expression.

“I didn’t invite you.” You gently remind the second eldest. “You invited yourself, insisting that I, a human, need guiding in the human realm.” You see a blush tint his cheeks and you chuckle to yourself quietly. “You can always head back if you want. I know my way around.”

“Are ya kiddin’ me? Lucifer would have my head on a stick if I left ya wandering around on your own.” The demon grumbles under his breath and catches up with you so that he’s walking by your side. “What do ya even plan on makin’ anyway?” He looks down into the almost empty shopping cart. “There’s not much in there. Ya couldn’t have found this stuff back home?”

“Nope!” Is your response as you continue to push the cart. “I mean, the Devildom might have something similar to what I’m making, but it wouldn’t be the same. You need the authentic human dish.” You send a wink in his direction, the white haired boy blushing and looking away from you, grumbling under his breath once again. You glance down at the several bags of frozen food in your cart, your lips pressed into a thin line as you think to yourself. You really only needed one bag as your dish didn’t require a lot of ingredients, but with Beelzebub to count for, you would need to double what you were making. Other than that, you were pretty sure you were done shopping for the day. “Honestly, I think we’re done.”

Mammon perks up at this, leaning into your side as he gazes down into the cart. “It looks… interestin’. Is this really enough for everyone?” He picks up the bag of frozen food, shaking it in his hands slightly. “It sounds… small. Is Lucifer going to be okay with this? Looks greasy.”

You snatch the bag from his hands, putting it back into the shopping cart. “As long as I don’t accidentally poison Lord Diavolo I won’t get into any trouble. He can dislike the food all he wants.” You say with a shrug of your shoulders. “I’m sure at least Luke and Beelzebub will enjoy them. I think Belphegor might like it too; oh- Leviathan will definitely enjoy them. I’d be surprised if he didn’t already try them before.” You snap your fingers at the thought of the third eldest. You were feeling more and more confident by the minute.

“How do ya make them?” Mammon asks with peaked interest as you two make your way to the express check out.

“Uh, you can just shove them in the oven or microwave, maybe a toaster oven.”

“And it doesn’t take long to make?”

“Not really. It’s pretty simple.”

“I like this already.” Mammon says with a toothy grin.

👽👽👽

You stand at the end of the table proudly, gazing at everyone’s plates while everyone looks at you curiously. “So? What do you think?” Your hands are on your hips as you look on with a grin. “Smells good, right?” Solomon has his face buried in his hands and Leviathan’s looking at you in amusement. “Hey, come on! Don’t be shy; I slaved away making these!”

“Slaved away? Ya just popped these in the oven and called it a day.” Mammon snorts as he pushes the food around on his plate with a finger. “They’re too hot! I’m gonna burn my tongue, human!”

“Then blow on it! It’s part of the experience anyway.” You mutter under your breath, an annoyed expression on your face.

“Burning your tongue is part of the experience?” This time it’s Lord Diavolo who speaks, looking down at the food curiously. “Humans never fail to amaze me! You guys are so funny.”

“What’s it called?” Simeon asks as he looks at you from where he’s sitting. “They’re so tiny and cute. Heat packets.”

“Are you asking if they’re called heat packets or are you describing them as heat packets?” Luke asks the other angel with a raised eyebrow.

“They’re called pizza rolls.” Solomon responds with a distraught look on his face, Leviathan snickering as he nods his head in agreement with Solomon.

“They’re little pockets of death, but they’re delicious.” Leviathan says before popping one into his mouth. “Your mouth goes numb after a while, so the burning doesn’t hurt anymore. That is, if you can’t wait for them to cool off, anyway.” He comments while he watches Beelzebub down the entire plate of pizza rolls.

“They’re too small.” The redhead complains. “But I like how they taste. Like pizza, but small and round.”

“You just described what they’re called.” Belphegor snorts while pushing his plate towards his twin, the brother happily accepting the offer.

“It’s too greasy. It’s terrible for my skin!” Asmodeus has a look of disgust on his face as he pushes his plate towards Beelzebub as well. “And since you didn’t technically make them, I don’t feel bad about saying that.” You roll your eyes from the blond’s comment, though you weren’t surprised by this outcome. You figured he wouldn’t like it due to the grease. You look over at Satan who seems to share the same opinions as his younger brother. A sudden gasp and pained moan grabs your attention, your gaze landing on Mammon.

“It- it fuckin’- it’s so hot!” He’s fanning at his mouth as tears form at the corners of his eyes, the demon trying to cool off his mouth.

“LMAO! You look like such a normie!” Leviathan cackles as he pulls out his D.D.D, more than likely updating one of his social media accounts on the incident. “You need to finish chewing it if you want it to stop burning! You need to swallow the food!” Mammon shoves the plate of food away from him hastily as he jerks out of his seat, grabbing his cup and chugging down the water.

“Well, you definitely provided us with free entertainment.” Asmodeus giggles as he looks over at you with a wink. You huff and plop yourself down in one of the empty seats, pushing at the pizza rolls that sit on your plate. You were hoping this would’ve been more of a success, but at least Beelzebub seemed to enjoy the food.

“I think they’re great!” Luke says enthusiastically, and you’re wondering if the small angel sensed you were feeling a little down about the outcome. Regardless, you couldn’t deny how cute the boy looked as he happily ate the food in front of him, his feet swinging from his chair.

“I also think it’s quite interesting.” Lord Diavolo says with a wide smile, half his plate empty. Interesting doesn’t quite mean good, you think to yourself as you lean back in your chair. Someone clearing their throat makes you look back over at the demon who’s sitting across from you. Lucifer looks unimpressed, but you notice that his plate is cleaned off.

“Did you like them, Lucifer?” You ask and lean forward, a smile on your lips as you inspect his plate.

“It was greasy.” Is all he comments, laying his napkin down on the table. You look around the table, mentally noting that besides Lucifer, only Beelzebub finished his plate completely while the others were still working on it (with the exception of Belphie, who fed his to Beel, and Asmodeus and Satan who were not amused, and Mammon who was downing as much water as he could). You think that’s a good sign, but you’re not sure.

“I’m just glad you finished it.” You say and lean back in your seat. “My cooking isn’t that bad after all, right Lucifer?”

“Shoving food in an oven doesn’t count as cooking.” The man snorts as he gets up from his seat. “But since you’re so keen on being today’s chief, you won’t mind cleaning up all the dishes then, right?” There’s a playful smirk on his lips, but one that tells you not to argue with him. So much for wowing everyone with your human realm delicacy.

[mademoiselleseraph]

12th Perigee's Eve with Some Minor Celebrities

A very belated secret santa gift for the @hiveswapsecretsanta2018 and @the-bisexual-dumpster about Charun, Chixie, and Cirava spending the holiday together and being best buds

~~~

Charun was running late, but when weren’t they running late? They supposed it was a small price to pay for looking nice.  They knew looking nice for them meant looking like a disaster to others but it was typical for -- what did people call them? -- oh yeah, avant garde types.  They were so avant garde. The avant-est of garde. Yeah.

They had already combed their hair (just to muss it up just right), brushed their teeth (doing what they could to dull their fangs), and washed their face (and applied some blood based paint to the sides of their mouth and one of their temples).  Next step was to say goodbye. They patted the shell of their lion-faced snail lusus, Speedy, promising to be safe. Then they went to the ventriloquist dummy they found one day and had a strange attachment to though they could not, for the life of them, remember where it came from or when they first saw it, let alone what species it was supposed to portray.  Some kind of demon thing? Maybe. They gave it a strong hug and gently placed it back down on the floor. Finally, they went to the wall.

The dummy always gave Charun what a friend of theirs would describe as “weird fucking vibes, man lmao.”  Looking at its glassy eyes and painted smile unsettled them. It gave them a jittery giddiness for pain and destruction that itched and disoriented.  There was a wall in the cave that had the opposite effect. The words scrawled all about in various shades of blood had a somber, melancholy look, but filled them with hope.  They ran a finger under the words where they seemed to start.

“Let it be known before all else,” it read, “that there is no sin in wanting to live.  Second, that to help instead of harm one’s fellow troll is nobler by far. Third, that worth and character cannot be determined by blood.”

And it went on.  Their favorite part of it was the tale of Twelfth Perigee’s eve.  This figure and his group traveled by day as often as they could, shielding themselves from the harsh sun with parasols, cloaks, and scarves.  But the Twelfth Perigee was the darkest of all perigees, and one could could walk freely without fear of burning on that one day. They celebrated the ease of their burden, baking sweet cakes for the orphans and sharing cordial among the adults.

And then they remembered the sweet cakes.  They had baked them in a fit of inspiration from the ancient scribblings to take to their friends for their Twelfth Perigee’s Eve get-together.  Oh right, they were really quite late now. They put the still warm cakes into an insulated bag, and then into another insulated bag to be sure they were kept warm, and then in a basket for that rustic charm.  They slipped on a coat, shaped to look like it had odd growths under the material and decorated with scrap metal, and headed out.

Meanwhile, Chixie was worried.  She was often worried due to various factors, mostly having to do with cameras and what they would capture and what others would do with it.  But it wasn’t entirely about that this time.

Her worrying was a major reason her friends agreed to meet at her place for Perigee’s Eve.  That way no one would catch her walking to anyone’s hive and start rumors that would convince her more powerful and more obsessive fans to take out the competition in gruesome ways.  Would that happen? No way to say for sure, but she’d rather stay on the safe side.

It must have been around the fifth time she looked out the window in the span of twenty minutes when Cirava called to her from the couch.

“Chix, I’m gonna need you to calm down,” they said.  “This isn’t the first time they’ve run late and it won’t be the last.”

“I know,” she replied in as un-snippity a manner as she could.  “but it’s been a while since you got here and you never know what kind of creeps are out there or what they’re seeing or what they’re saying.”

“Are people really watching your hive to see who comes and goes?”

“It’s not like I’m that hard to track down and it’s not exactly difficult to get into the bronze side of town.”  Her breathing quickened and her face contorted in panic as she continued: “And you know whatever they write about me, he’s gonna see it, and --”

“Chixie!”  They clamped a hand on her shoulder, trying to snap her out of it.  “This is ultimately your place so you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do.  But when you get worked up like this, you get agitated, then bitter, then hopeless, and that’s about when you tend to hit the bottle.”

Her shoulders drooped and she sank into the couch under their arm and squeezed the hand still holding her shoulder.  They were a wispy thing and by all logic their bony limbs should have hurt to be held in, but nothing could make anyone feel safer.

“I don’t mean to cross any bounds by sounding all conciliatory and shit,” they continued, “but you said you were tryna cut back, so I figured we should at least wait til Charun gets here.”

“You’re not crossing anything,” she insisted, hugging them back.  “I know you’re not meaning it like that, and I appreciate you trying to help.”

“While we’re at it maybe we could not talk about him today?  Whenever he gets brought up, you seem to feel worse, and I know I don’t have any fond memories of the guy.”

“Yeah.  I could use a break from even thinking about him.  When do you think Charun will get here?”

And just then there was a knock at the door.  Speak of the devil.

Chixie opened the door and drew Charun into a warm hug.

“I know I’m late...” they mumbled.  An unfinished thought, but soon to come again.

“Oh, we’re just happy your safe!” Chixie chirped.

“You had her worried sick, dumbass,” Cirava joked.

“...but I brought food,” they concluded, holding up the basket.  “Cakes for everyone.”

Cirava took the basket to the table and opened the insulated bags.

The lovely smell hit Chixie’s nose instantly.  “Chocolate?”

“And raspberry!” Cirava murmured, mouth already full of a bite.

“Glad you like ‘em...” Charun droned on.  “Made plenty…. Have ‘smany as you’d like….”

They tactfully did not mention the lack of cordial in respect for Chixie’s little problem, or the fact the inspiration came from a wall someone had written on in blood.

They talked fans, making sure to exclude him as promised, and the pressure of fame, and lusii of course.  They were still young after all. Eventually they stumbled on the subject of Chixie’s lovely home and decorating.

“Yeah, I normally don’t get too festive,” she admitted, “but I wanted to go all out for you two.”

“It’s….” Charun mumbled.

“Bitchin’,” Cirava stated.

“....Pretty,” Charun concluded.

She swelled with pride, took a deep breath, and let herself process that pride.  “Yeah, it’s not too shabby,” she said. “Actually, I think I did a great job!” It felt good.  It felt true.  None of that coy oh, you bullshit or false modesty.  She didn’t have to pretend around them because they knew it too.

Her hive really was decked to the nines.  Tinsel garlands, evergreen wreaths, the bones on the mantle, a roaring fire, candles, and of course the behemoth leaving with its own decorations.

“Why is that even a thing?” Cirava asked, gesturing to it.  “Like how did that start? It’s not entirely sanitary.”

“Oh, I know this one!” Chixie said.  “It’s excellent fertilizer. It used to be that you’d keep it in the hive so no one could steal it, and you’d put it on your crops through the planting season and they’d grow like crazy.  The decorations started with cloves and evergreen twigs to make it smell better.”

“And the bones…” added Charun, “...were good for crops too…. But also… after you suck the marrow out… you can string ‘em up like windchimes….  Scares off some aggressive species... if you live out in the middle of nowhere….”

“Speaking of aggressive species,” Cirava noted, setting up their husktop, “you guys wanna shout out to my fans with me?”

The others agreed and sat on either side of them as they got the microphone ready, put on their camera face, and hit record.

“Hey all you funky little weirdos.  I’m taking a break from streaming to spend the holiday with some dear friends, but I’ll be back the day after tomorrow.  Thank you so much for all the love and support, and I’ll be sure to link in the description where you can listen to some of my fresh beats til I get back.  But hey, from me and mine to you and yours--”

And then they all said, more or less in unison, “Happy Eve!” and waved at the camera. Cirava shut it off and posted the video to their chittr and other social media accounts, then put the husktop away.

And with that out of the way, and some touches of worry as to what her fans would make of it, Chixie decided it was best to break out the punch.  She made it in advance and left it to chill and had completely forgotten it. That must have been Cirava’s doing, she realized, keeping her mind on other things and away from the drink.  Though she restrained herself and made it significantly less boozy than she usually did, and apologized if that made it taste funny.

“Actually,” said Charun, “I think it’s… better.”

And she flashed a quick but genuine thank-you smile.  She never really drank it for the taste before.

And they went on like that.  Cirava and Charun passed a pipe between them, offering to Chixie.  She only took one hit, not wanting to dry out her throat. Cirava, on the other hand, blew all manner smoke rings and swished their hand in the smoke to make blurry semblances of shapes.  Charun tried to trace abstract outlines of them with their own finger. Something about it gave Chixie a cheery sense of ease that was quite rare to her. She asked Cirava if the case for their husktop was soundproof, which they confirmed, and she suggested they all put their palm husks in with it.

“So….  What was that about?” asked Charun.Chixie had the beginnings of a mischievous little smirk at the corners of her mouth and replied, “How about singing some carols?”

“Um, are you out of your gourd?” Cirava shot back.

“I already plugged the TV and anything else that might be bugged.  And besides, what’s Twelfth Perigee’s Eve without a little illegal activity?”

“We should steal…” Charun trailed off, “from highbloods!  And leave shit… on their lawnrings.”

And after some scared looks from their companions, they took it back.

“Nah…. You’re right… that’s a death sentence…. Let’s just sing some songs.”

Chixie started with the old familiar melody:

“Oh, merry moon

Lend me your tune

For on my pipes to play”

And then Charun in a surprisingly graceful baritone voice:

“And may the lonesome

Find a home

On this most holy darkest day”

And they both looked to Cirava waiting for them to join.  Eventually they caved.

“They killed him

And they cursed him

But it’s said he’ll come again”

And all of them in unison:

“So merry moon

Lend me your tune

To welcome an old friend”

And they sang songs about respite and recovery and joy to be found among friends and a fruitful new sweep with burdens lifted.  Songs that were outlawed and had to be sung in complete secrecy for fear that they could start a riot. Songs that made one feel like an honest rebel just for singing.  Man, Twelfth Perigee’s Eve carols are hardcore! Well, maybe not outside of that context.

And hours stretched on and on and the three friends drew closer until crammed together on a single couch cushion.  The smiles were genuine and the hands gestured naturally as they spoke about what happened sweeps ago and what might in the sweeps from then.

The softest, weakest bits of sunlight slipped in through the shades as dawn broke, getting a gasp out of Chixie.

“I didn’t mean to keep you out so late!” she apologized.  The light was dim enough to walk in but highblood customs involved drugs and destructive raiding well into the morning.  As one could imagine, it wasn’t safe.

“You’re fine,” Cirava said.  “Cool if we crash here?”

“Sure!” she replied.  “I just have the one ‘cuperacoon though.”

“Cirava can take… the couch,” said Charun.  “I just need… some pillows….”

“Well, actually, if you two don’t mind, maybe we can share it?”

“You sure…?  That wasn’t...virgin punch… it was still spiked….”

“Yeah, Chix, you really okay with this?  We can sleep out here.”

“I’m sure!  If you don’t want to, you don’t have to, but it’ll probably be much more comfortable.”  There was a slight pause as she gathered up the courage to say, “I trust you guys.”

That came as a pleasant surprise to both of them.

“Alright,” Cirava said, followed by Charun some time after.

They barricaded the doors, not that it would really stop anyone, but it did make them feel a little better, and Chixie led the way to her respite block

There they took their waking clothes off and realized just how wonderfully not-awkward it all was.  At no point did they feel like they should be ashamed or that they shouldn’t do it. Though it did get them all cracking up about a conversation they had earlier that sweep, about how if they couldn’t fill their quadrants in adulthood, they’d somehow find each other and pail.

“I really hope that’s not the case,” Cirava said after a good chuckle, “for your sakes.  I wouldn’t want either of you having to fill a bucket with my ugly mug.”

“That’s what…” Charun replied, “...paper bags are for…!”

And there was another round of hearty laughter as they all squeezed in together.  Admittedly, it was a tight fit, but not uncomfortable. Three kids in one recuperacoon.  That would have been some kind of safety code violation if there existed safety codes to violate on Alternia.  Besides the basic “do not fuck with the drones” but that was more common sense.

They realized just before drifting off that they were all holding hands.  And that morning with its cloudy skies and lazy sunshine was the most restful sleep any of them ever had.

[lastbuckshot]

oc list

so @underbree did a lot of asking abt my ocs so i’ve been typing up a (very small) synopsis of them for a few hrs (small bc there’re So Many)

if ur curious abt them or wanna know more abt a few pls feel free to ask me about them i love my kids

some notes:

fc = face claim

some fcs repeat bc I can’t leave well enough alone and some different looks from the same actor give off completely different vibes (I’m the guiltiest of this with cm punk lmao)

 sometimes my fandoms/obsessions and my fcs go hand in hand so when u see a bunch of actors from the same show that’s usually not a coincidence

speaking of fandoms, a lot of these ocs and fcs are years and years old (I’m talking like some of them are 6 years old) so a lot of them are gonna have fcs from ppl I used to fuck w/ heavy way back when but I don’t anymore, I just can’t bring myself to change the fc (like with all the cm punks)

you’d expect me to have a pj and a milo oc and I’d expect it too but I don’t, Freddie (@miloventisoylatte) has both and we collab like every day

all the assassins aren’t assassins for fun, and they’re not hitmen either; there’s an entire company/organization that they’re a part of, which doles out missions and payouts. they only really kill scummy people so think of it as a massive trained vigilante operative organization

The Oloros

 Zemorah (Zee; FC: Janelle Monae) – she’s probably my fave oc atm, I grouped her with her family but she’s also an assassin. she’s the seed that planted the whole family, bc she was a standalone oc first. she’s a bi girl, and she has a history of past relationship abuse, but she’s growing and recovering and actually engaged (to one of freddie’s ocs as a matter of fact; a big werewolf boi named Aaron who has Milo Ventimiglia as a FC)!!! she’s a bonefide flower girl sis loves flowers and gardening but she’s Not the one to play with. Very independent and self-sufficient bc she doesn’t see the point in having anyone take care of her when she can take care of herself and do it better. Prefers hand-to-hand combat to guns on missions. Frequently goes on missions with Liam (mentioned later), but is off from missions indefinitely because she’s with child (triplets!!!)

Halina (Hal; FC: Yetide Badaki) – the oldest of the oloro sisters (but not the oldest sibling). Tendaji’s twin sister. She’s reserved and on the quiet side compared to a lot of her family; she’s on almost the same plane as rashid. she can also be a workaholic, getting stuff done and making progress (on work or in life) is one of the most fulfilling things in the world for her

Malkia (Mal; FC: Danielle Brooks) – the youngest of the oloro sisters and she loves to give love. She has a big ol’ heart and a loud infectious laugh. If you wanna have a good time and feel good about yourself and come out feeling like a Rockstar you hang out with mal

Hodari (FC: Aldis Hodge) – one of the younger oloro brothers. he’s like, the class clown of the siblings. he’s always making fun of something or someone he’s goofy as hell

Rashid (FC: Mike Colter) – oldest child and oldest brother, probably the most stoic and “put together” sibling. married with kids and very, very, very protective of his family. a “you’d be better off fucking with him than fucking with his family” type

Kaivon (Kai; FC: Ricky Whittle) – second youngest brother, and adopted. bi, and a flirt (ofc he is). Someone you can ask to fuck you one time out of the gate and he’ll have no problem w/ doing it. He could talk a priest into becoming a satanist

Jamal (FC: Trevante Rhodes) – jamal is the youngest brother and youngest sibling and he’s such a sweet heart oh my god,,, he’s pan and he’s like a giant teddy bear he really just wants to make everyone he meets happy. truly a people pleaser and a “I’ll give someone in need the clothes off my back” type. Lover of cuddles

Tendaji (‘Daji; FC: Michael James Shaw) – Halina’s twin brother. ‘Daji is the sibling you get when you mix rashid’s protectiveness and hodari’s goofiness. He’ll make you laugh and loves to laugh but you Cannot cross him or his family he won’t let it happen

Shani (FC: Viola Davis) – the mom of this gaggle of kids. she’s a really sweet and loving mom and provider for her kids, so much so that she adopted one and pushed out 7

Andwele (FC: Lance Reddick) – dad of this gaggle of kids. Very stoic and gets a kick out of being overly stoic toward people he’s meeting for the first time and seeing how they react when rly deep down he loves a good time

  The Northcutts (Werecats)

 Alexander (Alex; CM Punk [this version]) – levi’s older brother. alex is a werecat, yes, as a northcutt, yes, but he’s also a demon (his dad was one). Ego the size of texas. Still exploring and discovering his sexuality, and isn’t completely comfortable with any labels, but he’s a lover of sex in general. So much so that he has 4 kids (he’s a single dad). there’s a good heart in there somewhere but he’s still a force of chaotic evil. Chaotic neutral on a good day. Chaotic good on a better one. But always chaotic

Levi (FC: Adam Levine) – alex’s younger brother. He’s the good brother. He’s not a demon, because he and alex have different dads. Lover of sushi (yes, because he’s a cat)

Grant (FC: Jake Gyllenhaal) – charlie’s older brother. He’s a really chilled out and laid back single dad of one, but his brother is a bad influence

Charles (Charlie; FC: Ryan Reynolds) – grant’s younger brother. Getting called Charles upsets him spiritually, please spare him the pain. One of the pettiest, dumbest, most extracurricular ocs. He’s an assassin and when jay (an oc I talk abt later) gets ready to give him his payouts (which can be huge lump sums of money, I’m telling you right now), he’ll tell jay he wants something stupid instead, like pocket lint or a finger nail clipping. Like, he doesn’t want any of the money, he’ll tell jay to donate it or give it to someone else or do whatever he wants with it, and just ask for a shoestring. It drives jay up the fucking wall

Jackson (Jax; FC: Chris Evans) – rebecca’s older brother. He’s in the same boat as alex with exploring his sexuality, figuring himself out. It’s summer, he’s got his hat on backwards, and he’s ready to fucking party. has dabbled in drugs and is a patron of the one night stand

Rebecca (FC: Megan Fox) – jax’s younger sister. bi. she used to be a party animal just like jax, until she had her first son. She’s cooled way down now, and she’s the mom everyone wants. She’s the mom that takes everyone to Disney and buys everyone souvenirs on a whim bc she just feels like it

Nadia (FC: Jessica Chastain) – tara’s older sister. mother of twins. Very loving, and the type of person you go to if you need life coaching.

Tara (FC: Amber Heard) – nadia’s younger sister. bi. she’s a mom with a very big, soft heart. Her instinct is to nurture everyone around her (not necessarily coach them like her sister does; just take care of them emotionally)

Anastasia (Annie; FC: Alicia Coppola) – alex’s and levi’s mom; bi, and the youngest sibling out of the matriarchs/patriarchs. Just like all the northcutt matriarchs and patriarchs, she’s a fun-loving parent. Teases her kids in as loving a way possible (like asking alex if he’s done slinging his junk around and impregnating the city)

Katrina (FC: Julianna Margulies) – charlie’s and grant’s mom; bi, and the oldest sibling out of the matriarchs/patriarchs. Very similar to annie, but her ambiance is different. If annie is a chill mom, katrina’s more of a cool mom.

Anthony (Ant; FC: Live Schreiber) – nadia’s and tara’s dad, and the second oldest of the matriarchs/patriarchs. Looks scary, but is actually only scary 49% of the time. Probably the most serious of the northcutt parents (which isn’t saying much, bc the whole family is doofy)

Logan (FC: Hugh Jackman) – jax’s and rebecca’s dad, and the second youngest of the matriarchs/patriarchs. Prankster and a jokester, and very close to annie

  The Assassins

 Aiden (FC: Richard Armitage) – eva’s fiancé and a lover of red wine. aiden was the start of a long line of assassins. He’s a father of one, with another on the way, with his fiancee. There’s some years old drama between him and ian, that ultimately ended in the death of his (aiden’s) daughter’s mother’s death, because of the assassination of the wrong person on ian’s part (it’s resulted in an inside joke about bad aim). He’s semi-retired now, in that he doesn’t go on missions himself much, but he still works with the company.

James (FC: Andrew Lincoln) – dani’s husband. aiden’s best friend. Father of two (one with dani, one from a previous marriage). Also semi-retired, in the same way as aiden. He’s got a big fucking mouth and almost everything he has is some type of joke or innuendo

Dominic (FC: Luke Evans) – jay’s older brother (half-brother, different dads). Pan. Loves to cook (entrees more than desserts), hopeless romantic, and a single father of one. Still takes assassin work often, usually sniping.

Ian (FC: Michael Fassbender) – mr. bad aim. Still carries a lot of guilt about what happened to aiden’s daughter’s mother (should he is up to viewer discretion), but he’s still very loving, and he’s been trying to make up for it for years (despite being told it’s a buried and forgiven issue). Doesn’t handle guns much on missions anymore; he’s more in charge of extraction now (whether that be via car, bus, motorcycle, heli, etc.)

Jacob (Jay; FC: Ian Bohen [usually this version]) – dominic’s younger brother (half-brother, different dads), and a father of two. Also loves to cook (desserts more than entrees), and used to work as an actual assassin, for a very short time, but stopped, because that part of the job wasn’t for him. Nowadays, he’s more like the accountant/money man in the company, giving everyone what they’re owed, determining how much, helping decide which jobs get what pay. The object of charlie’s endless torment

Liam (FC: Dan Stevens) – liam’s a werecat as well as an assassin, as WELL as a demon (on his mom’s side). he’s adopted (his adoptive parents and biological mom r mentioned later), which he found out relatively early in life, when his abilities started manifesting on accident. He was never mad about it, and didn’t take a particular interest in finding his real parents until recently (and luckily he’s found his mom; the deal with his dad hasn’t been completely settled yet). Sniper/generally most comfortable with guns as opposed to hand-to-hand. Zee’s frequent partner and mission husband (but not her real fiancé, even if they had a fling for a while). Gets clowned for eating baked beans for breakfast (especially by zee)

Danielle (Dani; FC: Danai Gurira) – james’s wife. A jack of all trades in the company, with her hand in accounting, assassinations, mission planning, and training. She thinks her husband is endearingly dumb (she doesn’t look down on him, she just knows he’s a dumbass), but she places a high value on how much he makes her laugh.

Evalyn (Eva; FC: Rutina Wesley) – aiden’s fiancée, and a doctor within the company. You could probably tell from her job she genuinely loves taking care of people, and enjoys the pressure. She can do surgeries and the like, but poison recognition and treatment (if possible) is her preferred practice.

  Werewolves

 Jonathan (Nate; CM Punk [this version]) – one of my first ocs, and honestly, a pure, good soul. He has a history of abuse (not from relationships like with zee; his abuse came from his father and his peers [I don’t mean school here, even though that’s true too]), and struggles a lot with depressive episodes, but he still has the biggest, warmest heart in the world. He knows forgiving isn’t for everyone, but it’s what makes him feel better, given some time and space. Christmas is his favorite holiday and he has a collection of santa hats that he makes his friends wear to get into the spirit. He’s still figuring out his own gender, sexuality, and romantic attraction, but he considers himself a bi ace often (he’s not sex repulsed and he’s had sex, but not often and it’s not important to him), and fluctuates between considering himself male and nonbinary (but he’s more comfortable with he/him pronouns in both cases)

David (FC: Ian Bohen [usually this version]) – cocky and full of himself and comes off as arrogant. He sort of is all of those things, sort of not. I’m just gonna say this honestly: thot. 5 kids, but all from the same mom. he’s not with her, not formally; they’re more like…….. kid partners? Mates? It’s a weird arrangement. But he a hoe

Ryan (FC: CM Punk [this version]) – one of nate’s past abusers. Repentant, very repentant, and nate’s forgiven him, but whether anyone else does (or should) is discretionary.

*Tom (FC: Tom Hiddleston) – (*name subject to change bc I don’t usually like fcs and ocs to have the same first name) the second of nate’s main abusers, alongside ryan. Has also repented and earned nate’s forgiveness, but again, whether anyone else can forgive him is discretionary.

  Demons and Fallen Angels

I’m gonna save some breath here: all the fallens are pansexual and panromantic, unless stated otherwise (god’s not included here)

 God (FC: Idris Elba) – okay, obviously god isn’t a fallen angel or a demon, but he’s still in this equation. Not much to say bc god is……… god.

Lucifer (Lucy; FC: Colin O’Donoghue) – yes, Thee lucifer, the fallen angel. Big ego, as you can imagine, and very, very bitter at god, not just for casting him out, but for keeping people he was close to before the fall from following him, including his girlfriend (and now wife) at the time, ariel. Extreme lover of red wine and makes his own in hell bc mortal wine isn’t strong enough or good enough for him. Father of twin daughters in the official sense, but has fathered literal devil spawns in the past So I Mean

Ariel (FC: Jennifer Morrison) – lucy’s wife and long time (millions/billions of years long) girlfriend. Did not follow lucifer in the fall, half because god convinced her not to, and half because she thought his betrayal of god was a betrayal of her, since it’d put their relationship at risk (whether she’s right or not is a matter of personal opinion). She’d visit lucy as an angel to talk to him, because she was upset that they were apart, but still missed him. Eventually, she made the decision to put her love for lucy over her angelhood and fell. She’s still an angel at heart, though.

Jonah (Ares; FC: Sean Maguire) – lucy’s best friend. Fell with him, and was his right hand man during the rebellion. He got his nickname from lucy, because he reminded him of the god of war. Despite lucy seeing them as equals (minus lucy being king, and ares not), ares has a tendency to refer to lucy as “my lord” and “king” (though he’s cut down recently). Honestly a workaholic, and loves being occupied (which in hell means a fair amount of soul torturing, but he also makes lucy’s wine)

Adam (FC: Josh Dallas) – another fallen angel. Didn’t fall with lucy, but fell well before ariel. If a frat boy were a fallen angel, they’d be adam.

Sabrina (FC: Rebecca Mader) – o shit bois, another fallen!!! Before lucy met/fell in love with ariel, sabrina was his main squeeze. she fell shortly after lucy and ares did, and she and lucy did some fooling around in the years before ariel fell. She and lucy are probably more alike than ariel and lucy as far as attitudes and mannerisms go (both of them are promiscuous [not a bad thing], sarcastic, and flirtatious), but doesn’t hold any (or much) ill will toward lucy or ariel.

Malachi (FC: Liam Garrigan) - yet another fallen!!! fell after lucifer, and stayed in hell, not causing trouble, for a little bit. then he started plotting to overthrow lucy, and eventually tried, by threatening to kill ariel if he didn’t give him the thrown. got punished with torture and stripped of the privileges being a fallen got him before. lucy’s pulled him out of punishment now tho. second chances and all that.

Paul (El Demonio, Victoria; CM Punk [this version]) – genderfluid/bigender (hence the two nicknames), and currently married to haedes with a daughter (biologically theirs) after some turbulent times of denial and teasing from both of them. Sarcastic and a little bit holier than thou (but so is haedes). Would lay down his life for any and all forms of red velvet.

Desmond (Haedes; Richard Armitage [mostly any version of RA with long(er) hair is Haedes]) – paul’s husband. A little arrogant, but not usually so much that you wanna punch him in the throat. Just about as arrogant as you’d expect a demon to be.

Joseph (Joe; FC: Joe Manganiello) – alex’s dad. Estranged from his son and alex’s mom both bc of the grimy shit he did. Not born a demon, and not possessed, but filled (literally, not figuratively) with demonic energy by a demon.

Athena (FC: Jill Wagner) – Liam’s biological mother (who he only met very recently; he does openly call her “mom”)

  Humans

 Violetta (Dee; FC: Ruth Negga) – calling her Violetta or Violet will probably get your shit pushed in so please leave her be. Bi. She has tulip o’hare’s accent (as opposed to ruth’s irish one), and part of a female biker “gang” (yes, she wears plenty of leather jackets). Loves teaching herself tinkering/handy type things, like taking apart and fixing computers, building computers, fixing cars, sewing, and fixing appliances. Really, she’ll pick up and learn just about anything if you give her the time.

Abaddon (Abby; FC: Jeffrey Dean Morgan) – no, not That Abaddon. Abby’s just a country boy with strong opinions on how peach cobbler should look, taste, and be served. Master griller. Father of two (co-custody).

Wade (FC: Wade Barrett/Stu Bennett) – my very first oc, so we’re talking like, 6 years. Which you think would mean I have a lot to say here, but I don’t!!!!!! his character’s been doing a lot of changing and evolving with my tastes and perceptions, with me trying to decide what’s too far and what’s not. and I might do an entire revamp. For now, I’ll leave it at: he has a really sketchy fucking past, but he’s doing better now.

Cassandra (Cassie; FC: Emma Thompson) – liam’s adoptive mother. A+ sense of humor. Jokes about liam and zee still being together.

Denton (FC: Hugh Laurie) – liam’s adoptive father. The more reserved between him and his wife, but he has an endearing dry/subtle humor that suits him.

Killian (FC: Matt Ryan [the welsh actor not the football player]) – I’d be lying if I said killian wasn’t very inspired by john Constantine lmao, bc he is. He is a demon hunter/exorcist/jack of all trades in the supernatural. He knows lucy, and lucy knows him, and there’s a petty war between them. Lucy isn’t killing him, killian isn’t actively trying to take down lucy, but they know each other exist, and killian brags to him about trapping and destroying all his demons.

[blood-ology]

If you ~don’t feel like reading all of it~ because I’m a ~child~ I would suggest that the most important paragraphs are (in order of most to least!) paragraphs 1, 2, 6 and 5.

Laughing my ass of that you of all people have the balls to call me self ritous after coming at me the way you did in your last several replies. I literally can count the amount of times that you’ve talked down to me and gotten up on your high ass horse during this conversation on three hands. You just keep making up more and more excuses for it but I’m gonna keep calling you out on it anyway because in real arguments you don’t throw insults every five seconds you act like a real adult, as I’ve been saying this whole time though you’ve neglected to listen.🤷‍♂️

Again you’re just skirting around the ideas I talked about which make y’all’s movement eurocentric. Which is fine, you did that the last two replies as well because you like accusing but when the accusations are against you the comments are avoided. Reminds me of most polititans in that way.

People asking for laws which support them and equal opportunity for employment, etc. In North America, Europe, etc. doesn’t equal supporting people that force gay/lesbian children to be trans. It’s really odd of you to paint those people as members of the community because they really aren’t lmao. Fair game though on the eurocentric/privileged attutudes of the ideology of it in terms of people in developing countries not having the ability to identify out of their agab, however I would suggest that this does not invalidate the movement. There’s a thing which occurs in the development of humans and their societies which is that when all the basic needs are all accounted for, when all your needs are filled, that’s when the extraneous things begin to pop up that you can’t have if you aren’t abundant in money or resources or food. This happened to Europe during the Renaissance, all the sudden the rich nobles were talking about philosophy and doing intricate art and theatre and classical music that they couldn’t do before. Just because the common people who were too poor to be thinking of these things didn’t have the opportunity for it doesn’t invalidate the culture that they had of these things for those that could.

I hate to go here but what you’re saying honestly reminds me of (marxist) communism- you’re radfems, you can handle this topic without going apeshit on me right?- the concept itself was very noble and while it is debatable how applicable it is or how fair it would be but people only demonize it because of the way that most communist countries are going about implementing it- through extreme military control, censorship, dictatorship, etc. all of which create massive poverty and suffering, however the ideology itself never said anyone had to go there it wasn’t necessarily supposed to be used in a dictatorship situation or enforced with use of the military- that is just people’s flawed, corrupt interpretation of it that they decided to use. Though this has tainted the reputation of the ideology, the thing itself is separate from these abuses and the ideas of it are still “pure” in a sense despite people useing the concept to do evil. By the sounds of it similar goes for the trans movement. The ideology in North America doesn’t do all that much harm but people in developing countries use it as an excuse to do evil.

Again, the people who champion the cause in developed countries without regard to the situations you speak of are not supporting those people. This is such a cynical viewpoint but these people who just hate so much that they have to take it out on others in the way you spoke of would have existed and done the same shit without the trans movement, they would have found another excuse or loophole for it. I agree that these people taking advantage of the trans movement in this way is most certainly an issue that needs to be addressed but making the trans movement come to a full stop because of these things is ridiculous.

I realize this is always the argument but it’s bloody true- a few utter dicks, a few horrible horrible people who use a movement as an excuse to commit atrocities or to be evil does not make the movement in itself evil. A couple examples of this are the French Revolution which we are currently learning in school- the cause was “Liberty, Equality, Fraternity,” freedom for all, equality for all, abolition of the class system and a government which caters to everyone not just the nobility. Maximillien Robespierre who was one of the leaders of the revolution and started out noble in his persuit of achieving this cause but turned frenzied and paranoid as the revolution progressed. Needless to say he ended up being responsible for the execution of 40,000 average citizens and the arrest of 300,000 of them- all on claims of treason against the new French Republic. Do Robespierre’s actions make the entire concept they were fighting for- the entire movement inherently bad? Inherently evil and ill-willed? Of course not! So why does it in the case of the trans movement? If there’s the feminist movement, which as a whole which seeks equality for both sexes, no more violence against women, no more gender roles, do the minority of feminists that want to genocide all men from the planet mean the entire movement feels that way and supports that? No, of course not! So why does it in the case of the trans movement?

Oh wow. Dude you are so racist ... yikes 👌🏼😔

Lmao in case anyone’s curious, this is from @discourser715 in reference to this ancient post he dredged up from god knows how long ago:

https://taramaclaywasaterf.tumblr.com/post/186188178453/dworkinlover69-porntellsliesaboutwomen

He reblogged it literally like seconds after sending this, as if it’s not blatantly obvious it’s him lol

Anyway I’m not wasting my time on this dude, so to make up for him using women of color as pawns in his pathetic mantrums, let me use this time instead to bring more attention to the Umoja Women’s Village in Kenya!

https://umojajewellery.com

They’re an exclusively female-only village made by and for women and girls as a safe haven from male violence such as rape, forced marriage, and female genital mutilation. I found them through a post on here awhile ago, so I figured I’d share so others can learn about them too. They even sell handmade jewelry and keychains, where 100% of the proceeds go to the women. I have several of their pieces (the Mshale necklace is my absolute favorite, Im someone who doesn’t really wear jewelry but I hardly take this necklace off!!!) and I’ve bought a lot as gifts for holidays/friends’ birthdays, and every piece is absolutely stunning and SO well made. And if you just want to support them without buying jewelry, you can just donate to them instead! So go support these amazing women instead of arguing with men in dresses online! It’s a much more productive, worthy, and feminist use of our time and energy.

[hallowxiu]

Are You an Angel? No, Wait.

Pairing: Lucifer x gn!mc

Word Count: 1.7k

Genre: idk fam it’s funny i guess lmao

Summary: You’re determined to win Lucifer over with at least one pickup line. It doesn’t bode over well.

A/N: I got this idea from prompt 293 from the account Creative Writing Prompts :)

part one of the MC isn’t good at pick up lines series lol

You sat there with narrowed eyes, fingertips drumming along your thighs. You were in a council meeting with the other brothers, and while on a normal day, you’d be absolutely over the moon about this as it was a rare treat, you had some more… pressing issues to deal with. If pressing meant thinking up pickup lines to use on the head of the house, then yes, it was rather pressing. You see, earlier you had overheard Mammon and Asmodeus talking about how Lucifer hates pickup lines. That’s right, he hated them, and as someone who loved them, you just simply couldn’t let that go. No one can hate pickup lines, they just haven’t heard a good one yet. Besides, Lucifer seemed like the type to secretly enjoy a good pickup line or two; you’d just have to get it out of him.

So, that’s why you were currently scheming away in the middle of a council meeting. Would anyone be mad if they found out you weren’t paying attention? Maybe Lucifer, but there was barely a moment where he wasn’t angry over something. You didn’t think the others would fuss over it too much, maybe Barbatos, but would Diavolo get angry? Maybe at first, but if you explain to him what you planned on doing then he’d probably just join you.

There was another issue, however, one more pressing than the first. You weren’t good at pickup lines. You never have been, and you didn’t think there’d be a time where you ever would be. It was just a tragedy you’d have to live with. You know who was good at pickup lines though? Mammon. Instantly, your eyes land on Mammon who’s seated across the table from where you sat. Yes, you could get help from Asmodeus instead, but your goal wasn’t necessarily to seduce Lucifer, so Mammon would have to suffice for now. You’d get your hands on Diavolo later.

Sneakily, you pulled your D.D.D from your pocket and typed a brief message to the second oldest brother. You could hear his phone vibrate and with great interest you watched as he typed up a brief message.

Mammoney

What do ya want? Messagin’ me in the middle of a council meetin’, you want Lucifer to yell at us, is that it?

Then again, I guess ya just can’t go that long without talkin’ to THE Great Mammon, so I guess I can try to understand for ya sake.

You rolled your eyes from the context of the messages. It was tempting to just ignore him at that point-- you knew that would work him up more than anything else, however, you needed to set your pride aside for this one so you could get what you really wanted. And what you really wanted was to make Lucifer flustered. It would be a good pay off for everything you’d have to endure with Mammon, you just knew it.

Y/N

Gee, so glad you could put in the time for me.

I need your help. How do you feel about getting Lucifer flustered?

Wait, that sounds weird. Not in a weird way. Okay, wait, I’m not making it sound any better. Okay, I’m just going to throw it all out at once. I need help coming up with pickup lines to use on Lucifer. If you help me, I’ll do your homework for the next two months.

You looked back up just in time to see an eyebrow raise on Mammon’s face. You knew the offer would be tempting for him, after all, the demon hated doing his homework. You offered him a smile when you locked eyes and the second eldest sighed under his breath.

You couldn’t have been out of your seat fast enough when Diavolo ended the council meeting. You zoomed past the other brothers and practically tackled Mammon in the hallway as soon as you had the chance. “Jeez human, knock it off, will ya? Why are ya so excited about this anyway? Ya really wanna get to him that bad?” You lazily swatted at his arm before giving him the proper amount of personal space.

“I just think he hasn’t heard any good ones yet, and I’m going to change that.” You paused slightly before looking at the white haired man. “With your help, of course.” He only scoffed in response.

“Ya know ya could just look up pickup lines, right? Ya don’t really need my help for somethin’ like this.” Normally Mammon would be pretty ecstatic about you needing his help with something, so you assumed you were cutting into some of his after school plans. You huffed under your breath and crossed your arms over your chest.

“Do you want me to do your homework or not? Look, I can always just go to someone else for this. In fact, I’m sure one of your brothers would love to help, and for free, probably. I bet Levi has pickup lines for days.” You didn’t voice that they’d more than likely all be related to anime.

Mammon’s eye twitched, and your bait seems to have worked. “Alright, alright, look -- there’s no need-- you don’t need to get the others involved. I’m more than capable of this. I was practically born to give out pickup lines, ya know.” Weird flex, but okay. “Let’s just go before I lose interest.”

❀❀❀❀

“So? How are ya feelin’?” Mammon’s staring at you with what you can only label as a proud grin. It looked odd, especially since the two of you hadn’t even done anything yet. Honestly, you both only lounged around and watched movies while playing on your D.D.Ds. You weren’t sure what you were expecting to come out of this, and yet here you were, standing in front of Lucifer’s closed door.

“I don’t think this is a good idea.” Is all you could say before Mammon nearly broke down the door with his insistent knocking. Before you can react, he’s already disappeared down the hall, leaving you completely alone. Maybe you should have just gone to Diavolo.

The door swung open with an annoyed Lucifer glaring down at you. That’s right, Mammon did bang on the door a little hard. You sighed inwardly when realizing Mammon left you with an angry and disgruntled Lucifer. Sometimes you thought the second oldest really did want you dead. Your name falling from Lucifer’s lips is what brings you back to reality. Right. You had a mission to accomplish and you were going to achieve it, in one way or another. “Sorry for the loud knocking.” You decided apologizing first would be your best course of action. It seems to work too, if the small smile on Lucifer’s lips was anything to go by. He didn’t look happy by any means, but he didn’t look pissed either. You considered it a win. “Can I come in? I wanted to talk to you.”

Lucifer raised a brow at this, though he moves to the side and opens his door wider. “Did one of my brothers do something? You know I’d be more than happy to talk to them if they did something to upset you.” Oh, you know. The entire devildom knows. Regardless, you shook your head and stepped inside his office.

“It’s nothing like that. Actually I just…” Your voice trailed off as your eyes landed on his desk. The entire surface was covered in paperwork and it was then that the reality of the situation dawned on you. You interrupted Lucifer’s work, one of his biggest pet peeves, and you had absolutely no pickup lines memorized in your head. Why again did you think Mammon was the best suited one for this job? Maybe Mammon would at least have the decency to play your favorite song at your funeral.

“You just?” He’s already back at his desk, writing something down as you stand in front of him like an idiot. He must be used to this. You briefly wonder for a moment if that’s all he sees you as. Before you can let the thought depress you any further, you clear your throat. It was now or never. Your palms were beginning to feel clammy. You tug at the collar of your shirt; was it always this hot in his office?

“Are you an angel? No, wait.” That’s not how the pickup line went. You shook your head and raised a hand to cut Lucifer off before he could question you. “Did you fall-- no, wait .” This was beginning to frustrate you. Ah! You knew it--

“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

It’s the only line your brain can muster, and it’s not even a good one. You raised your gaze to find Lucifer staring at you from where he’s seated. He blinks. Once, then twice. A few more times. The silence is beginning to stretch out and right before you can continue, he speaks up. “It ripped out my wings, so yes, it did hurt.” Your mouth goes dry as you try to think of something to respond with. Why did your brain have to think up a line that had the potential to just piss him off even more? “Why do you ask? Are you curious about fallen angels? I suppose it’s only natural, humans have always been curious creatures. Still, couldn’t this have waited for when I finished my work for the day? I don’t really have the time to go into details about it right now.”

You’re beginning to wonder if Lucifer actually hates pickup lines, or if it’s the fact that they just completely go over his head. Something tells you it’s the latter.

He’s impatiently tapping his pen against the desk, silently reminding you that he’s waiting for an answer. “Ah,” is what you lamely came up with.

“Right then. I’ll see you later and then we can discuss things.” With a wave of his hand you’re dismissed, and you find yourself numbly walking out of his office. You look over to see Mammon lingering around the end of the hall, an excited smile spreading across his face when he sees you.

“So? How’d it go?” He asked as he ran up to you, barely stopping himself in time so he wouldn’t collide into you.

“Um…” You try to think over the best way to explain what just happened. “We have a lot of work to do.” Is what you settle on saying.