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celestialallstars · 5 years ago

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Episode #5: “Every party is a pitbull party when I'm around” - Chloe

Honestly? I hope Sharky understands that all of it clearly was gamewise. I didn't care about his level of activity, but I cared about my game and unfortunately he was not apart of it. Having that out of the way, I want to use this next immunity to have a little bit more control for my game!

omg sharky left im sad 2 pots back to back although my pots is always gonna be brian <3 but yaa this so sad i wanted him to stay but votes werent there hes prob pressed but also like not my fault he was not as active i mean mitch isnt either but if sharky talked more hed be here know that

Zzzzz classic celestial double tribal. I bet we swap again at 15 and keep 3 tribes. AM I WRONG ANNA? AM I???? I’m just praying we win bc I, again, really don’t want to have to choose between Michael and drew. It’s just not FAIR to send either of them home rn but even though I know I’m safe with this majority I still want to be immune, and just pray I don’t get fucked by a swap here. If I can hit merge, I’ll be in good shape I think. Just gotta get there

DONT STOP THE PARTY. Every party is a pitbull party when I'm around

Chris seems very loyal to me So to have Bryce and Chris not willing to turn against me is going to bode really well for my long-term game I don't mind booting Stephen if we lose but I think I might be able to keep him If it will be good for me to have the thing with Mitch and Stephen at merge But the thing is, Tuatha would have to win immunity for it to be worth it to keep Stephen Because if they lose then Mitch is going to go, and what use is Stephen without Mitch?

WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON PLAYING LIKE THEY CANT CLEAN AFTER THEMSELVES? Kori slips his alliances, Stephen leaks his alliances, Rhys and Jared want Stephen out while Stephen wants Mitch to be used to go for Bryce and Kori despite all of these people being in an alliance together, Michael is asking for my hand in marriage, Chloe feels hopeless like me, Zach himself is a mess, Loris an even bigger mess yet I like them, Drew probably is ready to puzzle me and Loris out the door, Jack and Alyssa are problematically beautiful, Bodhi is just here, and Mo is going to kill us all with kindness.

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So now I'm gonna see if I can save Stephen since him going can hurt me a little. It's becoming clear to me that Loris talks to Rhys or Jared or maybe even Stephen but honestly? If Stephen is only saying Bryce and Kori's name then why not keep him and make him THINK that everyone is not onto him and them save him for later? Honestly even use him to take a shot at Bryce and Kori if all of them wanna but to take him out now even despite his problematic ways seems short shortsighted...at least I'm gonna try to get them to feel that way! Itll start by convincing Jared to convince Rhys they should wait

So let's see it's about half an hour before the challenge is due. Sharky went home as was according to plan. 5-1 no surprises or anything. Immediately Anna slaps us in the face with her dick and we're face to face with a Double Tribal Challenge.

Would've probably done better if it was Sunday instead of Monday but unfortunately work got in the way and there really just isn't much I could do bout that. I'm HOPING we somehow pulled out a win. There's several elements where I'm thinking we probably got last but we also might've lucked out. To be quite honest, I'm not optimistic in the least. But I want to hold out hope that our luck will somehow turn out.

Everyone in this game is so good at challenges so it really takes some crazy stuff to pull things out. I also feel like I might be playing just slightly too relaxed on the social-strategic front, but there also hasn't been much to do other than try to maybe build bonds with people and try to be nice/likable. Most of the time when I'm at tribal the thing I want has tended to be the simplest and easiest thing to do for me.

Anyway, time to start my prayer to hopefully win this challenge and not get dicked by AnnaJane.

I'm kinda having this subtle realization that I'm in this alone. Which sounds obvious but like I don't know. As soon as I found out we lost I had this mindset of "Well just gotta hope the others choose to spare me." but bitch that's my fate I wanna choose what happens to it. So that's what I'm gonna try to do.

WE ARENT GOING TO THE DOUBLE TRIBAL BABY AND FOR THAT IM GRATEFUL. When I initially saw that the challenge was all flash games i was freaking. Im usually not the best at flash games, but i really stepped it up and won my portion of the challenge. I hope and think Jared and Stephen will be fine, so I am hoping we swap after this. If we dont, then it might be crazy if we go back to tribal. Loris wants to blindside Kori but idk if that is the best move for me.

So since we're one of the two tribes going to tribal we're currently in that phase of "fuck what do we do." and I'm gonna be honest its only a matter of who grabs the reins first and usually to see who is okay with said person driving. So I took it upon myself to grab those reins because if everyone's just sitting waiting I feel like my name has a chance of coming up. So instead of sitting and waiting for something that may not even happen, why not try to make something happen. So I threw out Stephen's name to Zach knowing that they have a "history" with the whole idol situation. Zach said he'd be fine with that, then I'm like going to Rhys like "Ok so it wasn't technically a name drop but I have heard Stephen's name" and Rhys was like "oh yeah I get that because he doesn't talk often." so I'm like yeah I'm thinking that too. This has such a high chance of turning around against me but if this does work I'm not gonna be able to do shit for a while without looking like a threat. Also if this does work I'm gonna feel like such a suave bitch, like oooh. Goat? Idk her... I'm gonna be eliminated.

God this fucking sucks. Real Sophie’s Choice moment here picking between Drew and Michael I don’t want to vote either of them out but also I’m not turning on Matt/Alyssa/Bodhi. Drew messaged me last night saying he didn’t want to go like this and it just killed me. I really don’t know what to do

Since we lost the challenge, campaign season has begun on Orfeo. The first 2 people I talked to were Jared and Zach. I suggested Mo as the easy vote since he's isolated original-tribewise and didn't perform well in the challenge, and Jared agreed immediately.

Zach was, in his own words, wishy-washy. I really don't like wishy-washy players at this stage of the game. It makes a bit more sense at merge or at the very beginning but if I'm gonna flip on Jared or Rhys at some point I want somewhere solid to land, Zach, Mo, and Chloe don't appear to be the players I'd want to make that jump with. They don't talk openly about game which makes it difficult to trust them.

Rhys also seemed okay with this plan but he was drunk last night so who knows LMAO. My conversations with Mo and Chloe were essentially meaningless. All I got from them was this deal that they'd tell me if I heard their name and likewise for them. Maybe they have an alternative and don't think they have to talk game with me. I do think I'm gonna try and play it safe for this vote and just push for voting Mo with Jared and Rhys. Hopefully the trust between us stays strong.

♪ I’m almost confident this will backfire and I will be eliminated~ ♪

So we lost this double tribal. Which low-key is probably good. Because were not gonna be on these tribes forever. So its good to cement some form of alliance from it.

It seems like its either Mo or Stepehen going tonight so that's good. There is pros and cons to both. Mo is from a different tribe and is more social to me. I feel like Mo wont be dis loyal so he would be a great ally. It would also show that I'm willing to work with other people moving forward, opening more doors. However in doing so, I may be closing a door on my old alliance of 5. So yes I am scared.

Right now I’m a bottom on the bottom so I’m gonna have to push it push it real good to flip some votes onto bodhi, I have a pretty good relationship with Alyssa and me and Matt have been in cahoots all game, but this is all stars and if I have to turn on Drew I’m not holding back I am not going home tonight, tomorrow or ever. I just can’t go!

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So after I talked to Jared last night I proposed the big alliance idea to Zach without asserting I wanted it. Leaving it up in the air could make him less likely to think I'm pushing it. SO while that is going on, Jared filled me in on Rhys' anti-Steph brigade but it sounds like they may cave to voting Mo. ON TOP OF IT ALL, Kori and Bryce literally were saying they'd like a Tuatha-Orfeo alliance which coincidentally coincides with the big alliance? Huh. But if they're genuine then this has A LOT of potential.

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I do feel like I'm playing messy but I told myself I'd play a little different if it meant increasing my odds. I wont try getting too hopeful just yet. Now I've told Steph that BK wama have our tribes work together and this left Steph reiterating how it sets us up nicely that nobody suspects us. I truly feel people will suspect Loris/Steph before me/Steph but still I know me and him are close so if we can last long enough to play legit together, it will be amazing. Woooo go friends

so we r at tribal again, love that for us! 3rd one of the season, thus making all OG Cyrena having been to the most tribal councils. I did pretty poorly on the challenge, but as did multiple others its no big deal. I'm pretty shit at winning immunity anyway so its ok.

I feel like i am in a similar position as with last time i played. I'm clearly very weak socially (and admit it, ive been MUCH busier than i thought i was going to be since university has started) and have a tight 3 who all are like pretty close together, and have multiple advantages. So im being very loyal atm. just quieter than i would like. I find some of these ppl v.boring tho and you can tell some are just doing the rounds to keep face so they can't be accused of a bad social game LOL. Sharky also left last round which makes me SO sad UGH. MY ONE TRUE LOVE, KILLED TRAGICALLY BEFORE WE COULD BE REUNITED. Its like romeo and juliet, only with a gay and a straight and the gay got stoned to death by evil people. fucking RUDE.

This vote tho... its.... interesting. Maybe i WILL shove my head in the sand, get wildly drunk and just ignore everything that is going on. sounds much better tbh. I feel like a warrior ant, just being told what to do, no matter what is going on. Alyssa is genuinely looking out for me however, and wants bodhi gone as we still have 2 big shields due to the lovely meta game as both are known to be big players. Both will go along with it as well, as it saves their skin (drew and michael). Not sure how Jack is going to take it because i can't tell their connection together, mainly cause bodhi and I barely have one. and i think that is the issue. I don't know him well enough so i don't really care about him being voted off (its better tho tbh cause i genuinely like and care about michael and drew, lets be real matthew.) not sure if its a timezone thing or just my sheer laziness and lack of social game, i am unsure.

omfg im immune at double tribal. im coming 15th again tho. i hope not. idk. like. i think ill be fine even if we swap..... like. i think im good with quite a few people? despite the fact ive disappeared this week ok yeah that's true i think i'm wrong. we'll see :sob:

Do I want to keep Drew and Michael? Absolutely. Does that mean I'm okay with Bodhi going? Fuck no. Bodhi is loyal to me, Bodhi will not turn on me, Bodhi is not a threat to me. But Bodhi is threatening to Alyssa and Matt and they're my closest allies and they want to keep Drew and Michael and now we're blindsiding Bodhi because tribal lines DON'T FUCKING MATTER. I mean don't get me wrong, fuck tribal lines I'm so game to throw that shit in the fire but like, it's not the best move for me. Hopefully this bodes (bodhis haha punny) for me.

Ok now that I think about it going into a merge with less original numbers is actually good for us so maybe this isn't the worst. Idk I just feel bad I really wanted to work with Bodhi and now I basically have to cut him because it's majority on him either way and my allies don't trust him. Sucks man but it's allstars.

It's really next level that I am was able to

1. Keep the vote on Mo (Rhys campaigned against Stephen, and Bryce confirmed to me that Rhys wanted Stephen out) 2. Make Chris feel like he convinced me, and that I'm doing it for him and I, when mostly it's for me and partially for Bryce 3. Secure Zach's loyalty this round (calling with him and talking about game and non-game related things to re-establish our great rapport) 4. Keep Stephen in the dark about Rhys targeting him so that I can use that information for later

And this was all without much time on my hands.

Tribe Trust List 1. Chloe 2. Zach 3. Rhys 4. Stephen 5. Mo

Master Trust List 1. Bryce 2. Chris 3. Chloe 4. Mitch 5. Zach 6. Rhys 7. Stephen 8. Loris 9. Kori 10. Mo 11. Alyssa 12. Michael 13. Bodhi 14. Drew 15. Matt 16. Jack

god i hate this like no one ever wants to do what i want to do why do i have to be a brat every game. like its not like i want to its just ppl refuse to listen to what i want so yes ofc im gonna act out??? UGH

I guess I am about to find out if possible change is needed for my game or not moving forward. I can hope for a million things but all it takes is one to make it all hopeless

So some new information has come to me today. Chris has been approached by Kori with the idea of forming some kind of Tuatha/Orfeo Alliance. This is sort of what I wanted to do already but the fact that other people are proposing it is just great for me.

This just adds another reason to vote Mo out. He's original Cyrena and could become a part of a resistance to this group once merge hits. I'm personally pulling for this alliance to be made. It just brings me one step closer to the end and unites my major allies (Chris, Mitch, Jared, Kori) under a single flag.

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ANNNNNND There's been some drama on the old Orfeo tribe! Mo admitted to me that he's tried to vote me out, but due to the fact that people aren't talking to him, he now thinks the vote has switched to him, which is, hopefully, correct. If Mo had made a proposal like this to me right after we lost the challenge or before, I would've had to think about it, but as it stands, he's one person who has seriously thrown my name out there. I can't let that slide.

So, I devised a plan.

Step 1: Lie

How DARE Mo throw my name out there? I would never do something like that to him! Except I did, to everyone on the tribe, whoops. It's okay though, I lied and said Rhys did it, and I think he believed me.

Step 2: Join the resistance

Mo wants to get Rhys out, great. I'm happy it's not me. But that's a bad and unrealistic idea. SO I told him that in order to get a 3rd person willing to tie with us, we should target Chloe instead, and aim to recruit Jared.

Step 3: Recruitment

Now me and Mo are trying to recruit Jared one hour before tribal council. Except, not really. It's just Mo. I've told Jared about my plan to get Mo's vote off of me and he's in on it. Now, Jared can tell Mo the truth, or lie, and it doesn't really matter. Mo seems to feel too guilty to vote for me at this point. So mission accomplished.

Villains DO have more fun, don't they?

(I'm gonna look like such a dumb jackass if this plan doesn't work whoop, but oh well, I managed to fit one contrived plan into my time on All-Stars, so it's worth it!)

So right now I’m very nervous about this vote because even though people have said I’m safe I know bodhi is voting for me and he might just have an idol so like that’s my worry of getting idolled out lollll but uh I’m pretty worried about tonight so worried I might just throw my vote onto Drew and really protect myself and give me at least a little chance of staying due to an idol but who knows!

I think this is my last day which makes me incredibly sad. I feel like a failure if I’m being honest. There’s a slim chance I’ll stay. I had such a fun time playing.

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I was destined to be an early boot

Update:

So I can't use Rhys campaigning against Stephen this round as effectively.

Stephen knows his name was thrown out by Mo, because Mo TOLD him. Then Mo made a pitch to Stephen to work together, and Stephen told Mo that I might vote Chloe.

Long-story-short, it was just a ploy by Stephen to get Mo's vote off of him. I did a lil magic to make Stephen feel secure that I had his best intentions at heart, and I let Mo down easily that he is going home.

Mo was a fighter in this game and I give him all due respect. Now watch him idol me out ugh 16th looks cute on me

YAAASSSSS we woooooooonnn! I'm so happy to be avoiding this double tribal. If I can make merge at least that'd be a dream.

I had a conversation with Bryce and Chris and they don't seem opposed to doing a sort of pagonging of the Cyrenas because we talk with them the least. I'm not sure if that'll actually be an option come merge but if it is that'd definitely help me make it deeper in this game as a majority of my connections are my OG tribe barring Clohie, Chris, Loris, Drew, and Bodhi. Honestly if more OG Cyrena's like Matt, Alyssa, Jack, and Michael found themselves going this premerge I wouldn't complain.

I'm getting real tired of missing this idol system time window like a dolt though, I've no doubt I'm gonna pay for it later. But I also did win my game without idols so it's not like I HAVE to have them. It'd just be nice to shake things up since I did wanna play differently this time.

Anywho back to celebrating! Woooooooo~

WHY DOES MY TRIBE SUCK AT EVERYTHING....At least they're not voting me out this round. Matt tried to give me an "option" after an hour negotiation that Alyssa already said he was down for, but he wanted me to think it was coming from him. Isn't that adorable.

RIP Bodhi

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Bodhi and Mo are voted out in a double elimination.

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inrelentlesspursuit · 8 years ago

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2.) The Invitation

Lately, I’ve been getting quite a few wedding invitations. Friends from grade school, college, work; all of them sending me this fancy little card with some frilly paper inside. “Come join us in celebration, blah blah blah, we thank God for, yada yada yada, mark which food you want [X] STEAK [ ] CHICKEN [ ] VEGAN. It’s the idea of coming together to celebrate something; but the choice is yours if you want to come or not. Nothing stands in the balance besides the possible disappointment for the bride, groom, or your crazy ex that will be there wanting to show off her new man named Brad who is more fit than you, makes more money than you, and has more hair than you. As...tempting...as it may be to go, again, it is up to you.

However, most of the time, when we feel like God is showing us something new for our lives, or asking us to go somewhere, magically our “choice” kinda just goes *poof*. We think of Jonah and we’re like ,“Well, no matter what, God is going to get me there. God’s will is always accomplished so it doesn’t really matter; he’ll carry me kicking and screaming if he has to. See two footprints in the sand? We walked together. See one? He carried me. See a weird looking skid mark? He dragged me.”

On the contrary, I feel that on the road to God as Lover, he has simply invited us to come if we so please. I 100% believe that I can turn his offer down. Regardless of disappointment or anything of the kind, I can say “no” to this journey, and he will allow it. Why? Because when you seek relationship, when you seek marriage, when you seek intimacy, it is always an invitation that can be turned down, because without choice, how can there be love? It’s the same idea when it comes to our free will. Why didn’t God make it so we couldn’t sin, why didn’t he just make servants who always followed his commands? The answer lies in the nature of God as love. Love chooses. “Love is a verb”. We must choose to love God, others, and even ourselves.

Love is weird. It’s always messy (in good ways and bad). It’s never easy to understand and at times it is insanely hard. Anyone who has ever been in any kind of relationship (that means everyone) knows this. It is not easy being a son, husband, brother, friend, cousin, etc. They all have their various challenges and rewards, and they all require the engagement of our will. But enough with the philosophical tangent! Let’s get back to our steamy love affair.

As God began to put this question, this invitation, on my heart, I got the picture of Jesus standing at a door in my mind. He’s holding it open for me (a proper Gentleman he is) and his posture is one of “Would you care to come in?” As I look through this portal, I see a nature-filled scene. The trees, valley, sky, everything looks wild and untamed. Also, I see no path. This is wilderness at its finest. Immediately, I imagined what the door to God as Father or God as Friend would look like. Hills or mountainous scenes, but with a well-defined path, as if thousands upon thousands of people have walked the path before, stamping it down so the way is clear. It doesn’t mean the road is easy, but just often traveled. Think about how many books or sermons exist on “Father God”, or “Jesus our friend”, and you get the picture. It differs person to person based on their own experiences, but helpful books, sermons, or messages are easily accessible.

I look back to the door Jesus stands before and I gaze into that doorway. This valley looks incredibly beautiful, but extremely mysterious. There are little rabbit trails here and there, but nothing that looks like a “path”. I think to myself, “How in the world am I supposed to know where to go? Sure, there are tons of books on God is love, his love for us, etc. But I have never heard a sermon about God as our personal Lover. How is this going to work? We can’t even sing ‘When heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss’!” Yet before I know it, I am shocked to find myself walking towards the door. My mind is confused but my heart is literally driving me forward, as if it knows where it truly desires to go. And partly, I have porn to thank.

I had never struggled with porn until marriage (ironic isn’t it). What porn became was an every-so-often sort of hiccup when the going got bad. For me, it has never been about wanting someone else, or the girl, or anything like that. It was because my life felt so devoid of intimacy, if I could maybe watch something close, maybe I’ll feel better. Maybe by watching this fake intimate experience, I would feel like I had a tiny speck of the real thing. Of course, it never works that way, it’s always a sham.

A month or so back, before I had my official DTR (define the relationship) with God, while I was having a moment of weakness with porn, I remembered what my Dad had told me once. Invite Jesus into your sin. Ask him to be with you and show you something about yourself. Weird? Yeah, extremely. But I kinda said, “Shit, why not. I already know this isn’t right, might as well find out why I feel drawn to it.” So cameras rolling, I scooted over to make Jesus a seat and asked him if he wanted some popcorn.

Conversation went as such:

Soooooooo, why am I struggling with this?

“You tell me. What do you want out of this?”

I guess I want to know what intimacy looks like.

“And you’re telling me this is it?”

Absolutely not. I just feel like I’m dying. I haven’t felt wanted in a long time.

“Ahhhhh, so this isn’t about wanting to see intimacy, this is about not feeling wanted.”

...Yeah I guess...You know what yeah, you’re right. I want to feel pursued in a way. And this is close enough to dull it down for a moment I guess.

“So porn isn’t for you about having too much sexual frustration or something similar. This is your cry of wanting to feel cared for and pursued.”

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This is where I realized that something was beginning to work in my heart. I finally understood my “why”. If pain is the symptom of something going on in the body, porn was pointing to something going on in my heart, but until then, I did not understand what it was.

A few days later, I was thinking over what had happened and began another little chat:

Wow...ok yeah, I understand now. Even though it’s fake, it looks like this girl “wants” the guy, and she’s pursuing him in a way. And you’re right, I feel completely and totally undesired and unwanted. During the marriage, it never felt like I came first or what I wanted was important. I never felt pursued. And then the way it ended, with me being abandoned and rejected, just added to it. I thought that marriage would fix the loneliness that I’ve had for a long time, but it made it worse.

“That’s because you thought that a woman could fulfill your heart’s desire. You’ve thought that for 26 years now. You’ve pursued relationships to the ends of the earth, and you’ve never felt that you have been equally pursued or valued.”

...thanks for the kind words and memories Jesus...You must be a big hit at parties...

“Hahaha my love, the reason you have never felt fulfilled is because this entire time you have been trying to pursue me but haven’t realized it.”

What?

“In your humanness, the closest your mind could come to in the search for intimacy was a woman/marriage, which is ‘correct’ thinking in human terms. But I am the archetype of pursuit and intimacy. If you allow me to pursue you, you will never feel unwanted, undesired, or unappreciated.”

So you’re just telling me that if I pursue you more, you’ll pursue me more?

“No. Regardless of how you pursue me, I will always pursue you with my everything. I’ll pursue you so deeply and so vastly you will have no idea what to do with yourself. Bryce, your heart is one that loves to pursue, that loves to love. It’s a heart that I placed within you; but you pale in comparison to me. You’ve always said in your heart, ‘I wish this girl would pursue me as much as I am pursuing her’, but your heart is an ant compared to the Milky Way (and that’s putting it lightly) of mine.”

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Had I been able to see my heart at this point, I would have noticed that it was already slowly walking towards the door of the Lover without realizing it. Jesus says, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.” (Rev 3:20) Sound nice and Platonic right? Jesus is there knocking, saying, “Yo! I brought Little Caesars!” You run to the door, fist bump, and he comes on in for the big game. But another version of this passage is found in Song of Solomon. “A sound! My beloved is knocking. ‘Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one, for my head is wet with dew, my locks with the drops of the night.’ I had put off my garment how could I put it on? I had bathed my feet; how could I soil them? My beloved put his hand to the latch, and my heart was thrilled within me.” (SoS 5:2-4)

This is the kind of invitation God offers us. He has invited you on a journey towards intimacy with him that outshines anything you might have imagined it could be. He stands at the door, a Lover, reaching his hand out in offering. The gentleness, the anticipation, the romance, all radiating off of him. His eyes filled with the intensity of his love towards you, a longing to woo you and make you entirely his. Walk through the door and enter the wildness of romance with the Lover. A week or so later, I stepped through that door in my relentless pursuit of passion and intimacy...

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