#and then we gotta deal with the physical consequences of stuff we were born with… yknow

[shepscapades]

Why does Ren have 4 ears? Are they all real or is one set fake?

Hehe I’ve gotten this question a lot actually! They’re all real— I like to think hybridization isn’t always a clean balance of traits, so Ren just unfortunately ended up with two sets of ears— his Dog ears being much more receptive to sound, naturally— and sometimes when the extra intake of sound is too overwhelming, I imagine he wears earplugs in his human ears to help adjust :> it’s a bit weird, but idk! i like to make designs funky and nonconventional! I liked the idea that Ren had hearing struggles due to wonky hybridization and just kept the concept :>

[youremyonlyhope]

Children of Earth: Day Four

AKA Wow, things get even worse. You don’t think it’s possible, but here we are.

OR: This episode is so relevant to this week that it was physically painful to watch and I’m even more mad at Trump than ever before.

I’m not ready for this.

Been super busy the last 2 weeks, gonna watch this episode now. Who knows when I’ll get to Day 5. Maybe over the weekend if I’m lucky. Doubt it.

See, I know how intense Day Three is since I literally just watched it a few weeks ago, but somehow I blocked it out over the last 2 weeks. And the “Previously...” reminded me. Oh god. THIS IS WHY I REFUSED TO REWATCH THIS SEASON. Why is this episode an hour long why do you need to add MORE time to my pain? Oh... Gareth’s name on the opening credits for the last time... I’m sad. “In 1913 the Spanish flu killed something like 5% of the human race.” “I know, I was there.” Ok, taking a second to pull focus from this horrible thing they’re doing to say how much I love Jack’s little “LOL I remember that” “But that was 100s of years ago” “Haha, yeah...” moments throughout Torchwood. They’re my favorite things. Also, I had forgotten that they gave them the 10 kids in return for a cure to save 25 million people... I mean... it’s still horrible... but for all these years I hadn’t remember any type of justification. For some reason I was thinking they were just doing it because the aliens asked and they didn’t want angry aliens coming at them, not that it was because of an actual deal made. It doesn’t make it... that much better... but it’s not as bad? I guess? I don’t know. I guess I’m relieved I remembered it wrong. Also hi Sophie! I remember when Benedict married her I was like “I know her... I KNOW I know her...” and sure enough, Torchwood. Britain has 5 actors, and they’ve all been in the Whoniverse. “Just 12? Sounds like a good deal.” Oh Jack... oh Jack oh Jack oh Jack... I mean he’s in such a tough situation, but also I wonder if his immortality skews his judgement. Not even wonder since we know it does sometimes. More like I wonder if this is one of those times. “They say they’ll live forever” Ohhhhh god they kept their promise. Oh god. “Actually, we need someone who doesn’t care.” OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH. SEE. IMMORTALITY. SKEWING JUDGEMENT. THEY KNOW. THEY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT. JACK. GROUND YOURSELF MORE.

Ugh. My episode’s frozen after Gwen says “You just handed them over and hoped for the best?” but if I go 1 second ahead of that it’s fine. What is wrong with this 1 second that keeps freezes?

I wonder if there was something that drew the kids in? Because even though Jack is super charismatic, and kids are super obedient and trusting, they wouldn’t just walk into a bright light because a guy told them to... or at least I hope they wouldn’t... Well at least Jack’s super mad about it. I mean, they shouldn’t have even attempted to stop Clem from shooting. That’s the good thing about Jack, you can keep shooting him and killing him over and over again until you get all your anger out, and there are no consequences.  Especially since Jack already hates himself enough to agree with you for whatever reason you’re shooting him. Wow I hate Torchwood. “Can’t believe you didn’t mention this before.” Ianto, all of your scenes last episode had me going “WHY ARE YOU TWO ONLY JUST TALKING ABOUT THIS STUFF.” so there’s sooooooooo much you don’t know. I can’t tell if Johnson asking about Steven not knowing who Jack really is is her genuinely being interested in the situation, or if she’s mocking them. It could go either way. Part of me feels like I remember her being redeemed, I hope I’m right because I REALLY want to like Johnson. Wait why did the computer sound like it was combined with Bridget’s voice? Does it assume she’s a woman so it adds a woman’s voice over the computer voice? Or were the editors just lazy and altered Bridget’s actress’ lines instead of rerecording them with a computer voice? Oh deep breaths. I can’t handle this. JUST THE STUPID SMOKEY BOX MAKES ME ANXIOUS. I love that Frobisher mentioned the Prime Minister. I know it’s not him outrightly telling everyone that the Prime Minister’s a part of it, but still it’s more recognition than the PM wanted so I’m glad Frobisher brought him up, even in that way. And only mentioned him. He could have said “The Prime Minister, an American General, and a UNIT Colonel are watching.” but no, he said “The Prime Minister of this country is watching.” Yes. I love it. Who is this brave soul walking into the box though? What’s his story? I love Lois getting closer and Bridget giving her a “What is this girl doing?” look. Oh god the child. And the Prime Minister’s like “Oops I’ve been caught” AND I’M LIKE STOP BEING SO SELFISH YOU IDIOT THERE’S A CHILD IN THERE AND YOU’RE CARING THAT IT’S PROOF AGAINST YOU. WHAT ABOUT THE CHILD WHO’S STILL A CHILD 44 YEARS LATER AND HOOKED UP TO STUFF? DON’T YOU WANNA KNOW IF HE’S OK? Oh I don’t think I noticed Ianto’s tears before... baby no... “Do you think he knows? Is he conscious?” Wow Rhys asking a good question. Is it better if he’s not in pain? Oh Lois no don’t cry no this hurts. I FORGOT ABOUT THE 456 JUST BEING LIKE “LOL BUT I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WANTED THIS OFF THE RECORD LOL WELL YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE COME IN LOL” THAT’S BOTH HILARIOUS AND HORRIFYING. “What does it want them for?” “Bit late to ask now.” OOOOh Rhys I love you. Asking good questions, calling out Jack. Love love love the American General. Right now. I think I remember ending up hating everyone in that room debating which kids to take. But right now, love him. And the Prime Minister’s an idiot. But we knew this already. Old news.

OH MY GOD. Oh my god. Watching this season in the midst of the outrage over Trump’s family separation policy... just... it all suddenly hit me really hard. Wow.

“I’ve only just scraped the surface, haven’t I?” Unfortunately, yes.

Jack: I’ve gotta go, I won’t be long. Me: Here we go again. Running away. Ianto: You’re doing it again. Me: GOOD. CALL HIM OUT.

Yes, Jack, it’s ok to call Frobisher. It’s smart to do it far away so it can’t be tracked. Just TELL them you’re going to do it. Once again, even just shouting it as you run off is better than nothing. Wow ok now Jack’s spilling everything. I do love that coat though. Jack’s iconic coat. I know I just ruined an emotional scene, but since losing the original coat I REALLY appreciate the new one, ok? It’s his thing. That picture they pulled up of Jack is from They Keep Killing Suzie when they all arrive all dramatic and we are introduced to my queen, Detective Swanson. Did they just pick that episode for everyone’s pictures? Owen’s official picture’s from that scene too. Also, still super disappointed we never got more Detective Swanson. She was the BEST. Love her. HEY, PRIME MINISTER, FROBISHER NEEDS A NAP. PRIME MINISTER. STOP BRINGING FROBISHER INTO THIS. DEAL WITH STUFF FOR YOURSELF FOR ONCE. STOP SAVING YOURSELF. THINK OF THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE WORLD. OR AT THE VERY VERY LEAST THINK OF FROBISHER. “Unaccompanied asylum seekers awaiting deportation.” Guys. Guys. This is getting too real. This was too real in 2009 when it aired. This was too real in 2013 when I watched it for the first time. And this is WAY TOO REAL IN 2018. “Orphans in ‘65, asylum seekers today. There’s progress for you.” Uugggghghhhhhhh “And no one would miss them.” Wow all of this is too real why are we here why are we at this point. Calling them units instead of kids to make it easier. THEY’RE ALL SAYING DIFFERENT NUMBERS? THE 456 KNOW EXACTLY HOW MANY FROM EACH COUNTRY THEY WANT? OH GOD. 2,340,000 from America oh god. “325,000 is 10% of the childr- the, uh, units in this country.” WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. WHO IS THIS DUDE SAYING “OH IT’S WORTH CONSIDERING COMPLYING” STOP IT. RICK. STOP IT. Also apparently he’s played by Nicholas Briggs aka the Daleks and Cybermen so hiiiiiiiii nice to see your face! NOW, TELL YOUR CHARACTER TO STOP SUGGESTING GIVING AWAY THE CHILDREN. Also this is Infinity War too. Dwindling resources. Instead of finding a way to make more resources, just kill people so whoever’s left can have more. Perfectly logical. If you’re Thanos. Come on Johnson. Come on girl. Start snooping into your bosses. “We are now facing the worst-case scenario.” Yep. From now on, they can’t call anything else the worst-case scenario. Nothing is worse than this. PM. DUDE. STOP PUTTING ALL OF THIS ON FROBISHER. “Which is out of my hands, over to you, sir.” Subtly fighting back just a little teeny tiny bit. Not letting him put anything else onto him. Good. IF ONLY YOU WOULD JUST QUIT AND WALK AWAY AND SHOUT ON THE STREETS WHAT THE PRIME MINISTER DID TO YOU AND IS PLANNING TO DO TO EVERYONE ELSE. I like the guy who wants it to be random. Dalek-Rick gave the genius suggestion of doing it alphabetically. Wow. Just get him out of here. Convincing the PM to go through with it, suggesting doing it alphabetically. Why is he here? Every second-born child? So I’d be taken since I’m a twin who was born a minute later than my brother by chance. But also I was 13 in 2009 so I wouldn’t have been considered, but STILL. SECOND-BORN IS DUMB. ALL OF THIS IS DUMB. “If this... this lottery takes place, my kids aren’t in it.” Uggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I mean, I get not wanting your kids to be taken from you, but just ughghghhghghghhhghhghghhhhhhhhh YOU’RE NOT BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. “I’m sure the families of Gold Command will be exempted anyway.” “In fact isn’t that official policy?” Why are we here why are we here “Whatever happens, the children and grandchildren of everyone around this table will be exempt.” Oh, but everyone except Frobisher? Right? Ok but lady, I bet you anything your brother’s kids are not as bright as you assume they are. Not as “valuable.” You just have more investment in them than kids you’re not related to. What if you brother’s kids were evaluated and seen to not be valuable? Denise talking about good schools and failing schools while NYC has a debate over the SHSAT is also too real. Frobisher’s the only one horrified. Oh god oh god Jack and Ianto are going to Thames House oh no oh no no no no no no no. She’s been wearing those contacts for nearly 24 hours now oh god. See, I want to see what kind of outrage there was when someone finally figured out what the number meant and it spread to the general public. Oh Trinity Wells. She’s one of my favorite characters in the Whoniverse honestly. Love her. Just gonna leave a parked car in the middle of gridlocked traffic. Great. “This goes to you people listening in on the wire too.” IANTO YES. This scene where he tells Rhiannon how much he loves her and the kids is so much worse knowing Ianto’s about to die... Oh wow. I went from smiling to my face just dropping as I remembered. Ok Frobisher, I will admit that’s a well thought out plan to get out of this and avoid the blame. I will give you that much. BUT I STILL HATE THAT THIS IS HAPPENING AT ALL. “No one in this room is a willing accomplice.” Ehhhhhhhhhhh you’re the highest on the list since you enjoyed not having your name on this and never intended to take any credit. You had no stakes for a while while you gave Frobisher orders. So shut up PM.

OH GOD JUST POOR LOIS. GIRL SHOWS UP, THINKING SHE HAS A NICE LITTLE SECRETARY JOB FOR A SMALL BRANCH OF THE GOVERNMENT. GETS PULLED INTO A INTERNATIONAL AND INTERSPECIES CRISIS. AND IS NOW COMMITTING TREASON IN AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE THE WORLD. I LOVE HER. SHE’S BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH. AT LEAST TORCHWOOD AND FROBISHER AND THE PM KNEW ALIENS EXISTED AND WERE READY (to an extent) TO DEAL WITH IT. LOIS WAS JUST THROWN INTO IT ON HER FIRST DAY. And she’s handled it so well. God. Lois deserves all the appreciation.

God. Just watching her, I’m getting that feeling I get when I talk in class. The nerves, feeling all warm like I can feel the blood in all of my veins. Oh god I can’t imagine how she feels. “Oh yeah, you and whose army?” “Torchwood.” LOVE LOVE LOVE LOIS. LOVE LOVE LOVE THEIR SHOCKED REACTIONS. My girl Lois. Blackmailing the entire British Government. Your fave could NEVER. Oh god 13 more minutes in the episode. I wonder if Dekker and Jack ever met in 1965. Wait nooooo is Dekker about to die?!?!??!??!?!?!??!?!?! HE’S IN THE BUILDING. NOOOO DEKKER NO. Also yeah, the “computer lip reading” is just them editing the actors’ voices. Try harder Torchwood, you have Nicholas Briggs right there! The king of robotic alien voices! 10 feet away! Ooooh nooo Dekker why must you be in the building. “Happy now?” PRIME MINISTER. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE SPEAKING. THERE ARE MAYBE A COUPLE HUNDRED PEOPLE IN THAT BUILDING, DYING OF A VIRUS, AND YOU’RE ACTING LIKE IT’S WORSE THAN THE MILLIONS OF CHILDREN YOU ARE HANDPICKING AND PLAN TO GIVE AWAY TO BE USED AS DRUGS!??!?!!?!? GET OFF YOUR IMAGINARY HIGH HORSE. Ugh stupid bulletproof glass. Last time, I didn’t think Ianto was actually dying and barely reacted. It’s because I spoiled myself and saw that the only original Torchwood actors in Miracle Day were John, Eve, and Kai. But I thought Kai was Gareth’s name, and I assumed Ianto would be in Miracle Day, so I didn’t take his death seriously. This time, my eyes are a little wet. I rarely cry. Didn’t cry over either of Owen’s deaths, Tosh’s death made me shed one tear and then her goodbye video made me shed another. So. I’m not shocked I didn’t cry. But I actually felt sad this time instead of going “No, but he’s supposed to be still alive next season?” the whole scene. Frobisher. This is where you quit. This is where you get up, and walk away. Oh god poor Jack, remembering what happened. Ok. Ok. Gwen crying nearly got me. I got very close to crying just then. Gwen. Girl. Why you gotta make me sad?

Yeah so... everything sucks.

And I really did not believe that Ianto was dead. I was like “Ok but he’s gonna be back” and then I watched Day 5 and Jack flew away or whatever he does and then Gwen and Rhys go off with the baby and Ianto was still dead and I was like “...WHAT.” And then I reread the Tardis Wiki page for Torchwood (That’s what spoiled me) and saw it said “Kai Owen” and I clicked on Kai and I was like “...Oh... Kai’s Rhys not Ianto...” SO it was my own stupidity. BUT IN MY DEFENSE: I had been watching Torchwood nonstop for 3 days by this point. I had only taken breaks to sleep and eat (sometimes eating while watching). I did not look into any of the actors until after I finished Children of Earth. I don’t know when I had the time to look at the Tardis Wiki, but I did at some point in season 1, yet Tosh and Owen’s deaths at the end of Season 2 still felt like they came out of no where even though I should have known they’d be gone by Miracle Day.

See, when my brother watched Titanic for the first time, he’d managed to make it 16 years without being spoiled for the movie. Me? I’ve never seen it, but I was spoiled a long time ago and I don’t feel like putting myself through that pain so I kind of refuse to watch it. But he didn’t know what was coming at all. Apparently, halfway through the movie, he was so into the story that he forgot they were even on a boat, let alone the TITANIC, so once everything started flooding it was like he was slapped in the face by reality. That was me with Torchwood. I knew that Stolen Earth and Journey’s End only had Gwen, Jack, and Ianto since I watched Doctor Who first, but I didn’t really comprehend that that meant something had to have happened to keep Tosh and Owen away from that episode. And when they died it was like “Oh yeah. They’re on the Titanic.” except it was “Oh yeah. They weren’t in Journey’s End.” Kind of the same thing happened with End of Time Part 2. I didn’t question why Jack was on his own and would be single and therefore interested in Alonso, but once I watched Day 5 I was like “Oh yeah. Jack’s on his own and single by End of Time part 2.”

Basically, my horrible memory spares me from spoiling myself sometimes. Funnily enough, I saw the ending of Journey’s End when it aired because my mom watched it. I remember asking her why there were 2 Doctors, but didn’t remember until I was watching the scene myself after starting the show from the beginning years later. And when I saw the scene where Donna was forced to forget the Doctor, I remember saying to mom “Wait, what? Why did she just introduce herself?” and mom saying “He took away her memories of him” and once again, I didn’t remember that I’d already seen the scene until it happened.

So yeah. Everything about Day 4 is way too real. Especially because of what’s been happening this week. I’m almost glad I had to wait 2 weeks to watch it because the fact that this is kind of happening right now made everything SO MUCH MORE PAINFUL. BECAUSE IT’S NOT FICTIONAL. WHY IS THE WORLD THIS WAY? WHY DID PEOPLE LET TRUMP WIN?

Ok. So that’s it for Day 4.

Oh my god. 5 years ago this week, I watched Torchwood for the first time. I forgot to commemorate my 5th anniversary... I had planned to, but was too busy. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I missed it. June 15-18th (maybe early morning of the 19th) was when I watched Torchwood for the first time. Over 3 very, very, VERY intense days.

Also, every single shoutout goes to Lois Habiba. She’s the MVP. Love her so much.

AND IS DEKKER OK?

Update: pressed post before watching the preview. Dekker’s ok! Which doesn’t make sense since he should have been exposed long before he put on the suit, but whatever! Also. I’m not emotionally ready for Day 5.

[gloieee]

Limbo

Started this post sometime early July and could not finish in classic fashion because the heaviness weighed me down TOO much for me to continue writing. Usually for me writing is catharsis, but this time it felt laborious because it meant I had to sit with my emotions even more so than during my day-to-day (which was already too much to handle). It was hard for me to even listen to these songs then because it made my entire being ache. Yet, of course, cause I loved the pain, I did and anguished in it to paralysis. Most of these thoughts no longer resonate with me, to a surprising extent, but am attempting to pay respects to the pinnacle and hopefully, the conclusion of a long year+ of distress. Here goes, Limbo. 

 8/12/2020 

_______________________________________________________________________

Good News – Mac Miller 

I spent the whole day in my head Do a little spring cleanin' I'm always too busy dreamin' Well, maybe I should wake up instead A lot of things I regret, but I just say I forget Why can't it just be easy?

I think this sums up my days better than any of my own words can. These couple of weeks have been exactly this—spending whole days in my head (doing little else sometimes gleefully, sometimes woefully) attempting some “spring cleaning,” then going on some tangent on things I should fix in my life, attempting to constructively go down memory lane, then things getting too much and wondering the forever questions, “why can’t it just be easy?” 

Regret has become a salient gateway word into my life these past two years, not always consistently, but at least with some regularity. It feels especially shocking cause it really had so little presence prior to this. I suppose, some may say that before a certain age, there are no real consequences to one’s actions, hence, no need for regret. But under that logic, I don’t think at 26, I’m that old either, so I wonder what happened at 24 that began this trajectory. It seems extremely fitting that I couldn’t finish the blog post for “Mistakes” in May 2018, because to be frank, since then, a tinge (or more) of regret has persisted in my days. There have been some lateral moves for sure, but never a vertical move past the regret. Continuing on this thread of analyzing my own past actions, it also appears fitting that I started that 2018 playlist with Unhappy by Outkast/ Big Boi because regret rings profoundly (maybe only) when you’re unhappy with your current state. You don’t see a happy woman ruminating on a thought exercise of what could’ve been. At the time, I included the song based on feeling, (as with everything on this blog), but never really discussed it. 

Might as well have fun 'cause your happiness is done When your goose is cooked

I suppose this was pretty much how I lived my life this past year. I’m trying not to say it as a bad thing, cause it isn’t necessarily, and I have a tendency to romanticize tribulations. I had a lot of fun, even though at moments I got pretty millennial REKT in the process. It’s less the fact that I had fun (and was very healthy (physically)! Which I am grateful for), but that I had little else. I didn’t feel very fulfilled or feel like I knew myself, or my values, or even what I wanted. I lived nonchalantly, maybe even a little numbed, and got wrapped up in a LOT of distractions. Admittedly, it was nice in the moment to care about such light things, to not have to deal with so much heaviness. I remember reveling in it, in my personal conversations and on this blog as well. 

Yeah Right by Joji is my past year in LA told from the perspectives of cynics (aka Me). It’s a simple, almost grossly millennial song. Despite the extremely self deprecative lyrics, I love how the melody feels like a calming, boppy afterthought. There are moments in the track where you’re just super down in the dumps, but also moments when you’re singing with a lopsided, wry, self-taunting smile on your face. 

 Yeah Right – Joji 

Imma fuck up my life    We gon party all night She don’t care if I die  Yeah I bet you won’t try  But you know I don’t mind 

I don’t think my motives were ever as extreme or bleak as “imma fuck up my life” but the general sentiment rings true. There was definitely a pervasive detachedness to my days, and a total lack of “trying”.  And a lack of minding over that fact. 

Yeah, you know I feel right Yeah, you living right now She don't ever pick sides

I unfortunately discovered Joji during the small insanity of quarantine, and of course blazed through all his interviews. I hadn’t fully realized how not picking sides in my life and going along with the flow belied a sense of numbness or ambivalence. This is so how I’ve been feeling/ felt about so many aspects of my life—career, relationships, values, lifestyle. I couldn’t choose anything because nothing pulled at me. I remember telling a friend that I’m at a point of ambivalence where if I had two research projects I would not be able to pick which one to pursue because they would feel all the same to me. I feel almost no sense of what interests me.

Yeah, you bet I go to see you when I'm feeling like a drum without a beat Yeah, you dance so good And I think that's kinda neat

I am/was truly a drum without a beat, just noticing some insignificant thing of slight interest and noting “that’s kinda neat.” Really not a reason to go after a girl/ relationship in the slightest, but I get how it’s all that could be mustered at the moment. And then you shrug and run with it. 

 Another millennial moment of wisdom from Joji about this song:  

It’s not productive but it’s not destructive. And that’s how a lot of people get stuck, in relationships and in life in general. 

This was exactly what was happening during the year. I was not productive AT ALL, but I was still passing, still technically going through the motions, going through the hoops. Life was happening. And I was stuck. 

What you know about love? What you know about life? What you know about blood? Bitch, you ain't even my type

Honestly not super sure how it relates, but to these lines. Joji explains:  

I mean, the way I see life is like, no-one’s special. You’re not born special, if you’re lucky you’re given a certain set of skills and a certain set of resources and you run with them, and then everyone dies. So as long as they know that, and they’re not thinking in a God’s plan sort of way... So just stuff like that

This was interesting as this summer as I was trying to figure out my path and my direction, and grappling with whether I wanted to try to pursue things that I thought I should/ kinda wanted for extraneous reasons/ seemed practical and logical and well desired vs. what I may be better at/ what I knew I wanted before. And there was definitely this idea of a (lost) calling, a larger cosmic reason that I had blindly chosen this much harder and guilt-inducing path. Something that may make it all make sense. I was extensively looking back on my past self and aspirations. I felt like I had forcibly given up things that made me me without gaining the practical traits I had so envied in others; I had become a boring medical student who wasn’t even super productive nor good at medicine. I was obsessed with this idea of a passion, this abstract thing that I seemed to have perhaps had the inklings of at a certain point, but seemed to have lost entirely, all after having sacrificed much to pursue it. It was refreshing to see someone who is an artiste (hohoho) saying these things, since (successful) artists seemed to be the only people who were truly special or passionate enough in what they did, in that they had risked so much stability, and had made it. 

Returning to the song, I love how all these serious questions are raised only to be followed up by a super petty “bitch you ain’t even my type.” And indeed, my many deep queries have no conclusions and I find myself returning to the minutiae of daily life.  

Back to Good News. The utter exhaustion and endless circle of rumination on past days, a desire to fix the pattern, slight hope, and inevitable resignation Mac sings of make me close my eyes to take a deep breath. His tracks from Circle capture so well the fluctuating inner thought processes of those who are struggling to dig themselves out of something beyond their control:

When it ain't that bad It could always be worse I'm running out of gas, hardly anything left Hope I make it home from work Well, so tired of being so tired Why I gotta build something beautiful just to go set it on fire?   I'm no liar, but Sometimes the truth don't sound like the truth Maybe 'cause it ain't I just love the way it sound when I say it   But I heard that the sky's still blue, yeah I heard they don't talk about me too much no more And that's a problem with a closed door   Then I'll finally discover That it ain't that bad, ain't so bad

The coexistence of heaviness and hope is what I’ve always loved about Mac. I’m obsessed with duality, contradictions, and being conflicted because I think it’s what I have so struggled with for my young adult life (Joji also mentions this is a driving force behind his songs). Also, I think inconsistencies are just something that is so humanizing about people. It’s no wonder that my favorite works of art attempt to dissect or observe dualities—The Unbearable Lightness of Being; the esoteric song by the lead singer of a small Korean indie band that I had to pay 50 cents to download and save on my desktop cause it wasn’t on youtube (it is now huzzah). A minor tangent, in the aforementioned song Jo Woong implores someone to tell him what he did wrong because he sure as hell can’t figure it out. And a line that has stayed with me for years: Aren’t people’s fronts and backs inherently different? Or is it just me that’s lacking something... It’s a play on a Korean saying, but it points out the inconsistencies in people in an aching plea for understanding and sympathy. It’s what too many plagued, conflicted individuals are hoping for. 

내가 뭘 그렇게 잘못했는지 모르겠어요 누가 내 잘못 안다면 얘기 좀 해줘요  사람이 원래 앞뒤가 맞지가 않잖아요? 아니면 나만 이렇게 모자란가요  

When I listen to Mac with a clear head, aka not in the throes of depression, I hear the hope in his voice and lyrics. It strikes me and warms my heart even more because I know that the hope has shined through despite the darkness. But when I’m on the other side of the equation, I hear how deep the sadness and pain is, and how the hope is not enough to overcome that. It’s almost worse because I know the hope exists, and yet I can’t get there. It feels like a failure. 

Everybody- Mac Miller 

Everybody's gotta live And everybody's gonna die Everybody just wanna have a good, good time I think you know the reason why   Yeah, sometimes the goin' gets so good Yeah, but then again, it get pretty rough

The fatalism of this song coupled with Mac’s slight falsetto embodies a type of pain that is ineffable. The back and forth of things being good and rough reminds me of an addled and empty-eyed shrug.

Surf – Mac Miller

And the days, they go by Until we get old There's water in the flowers, let's grow People, they lie But hey, so do I Until it gets old There's water in the flowers, let's grow   Yeah, well Sometimes I get lonely Not when I'm alone But it's more when I'm standin' in crowds That I'm feelin' the most on my own And I know that somebody knows me I know somewhere there's home I'm startin' to see that all I have to do is get up and go

Surf speaks more quietly of possibility even during dark times. The faint sense of having known at a certain point that someone knows you and gets it, and that you could feel at peace again, like in a home of sorts. The desire to grow, the slight feeling that maybe, it we let go (of societal perceptions, of greed, expectations?), something could change. But in the here and now, it’s just a sense and not a reality. A hypothetical thought that has not yet passed the threshold for action:

Gotta get goin', goin', goin' before I'm gone

A break from the melancholy for a throwback to myself, which made me chuckle as well as feel a sense of wistful nostalgia. This short and sweet track seems like the perfect modern-day ode to me. My conflicted state of being in awe of and yearning after impractical aestheticism but simultaneously being terrified of and slightly disgusted by the indulgence and recklessness of art and its values has led me to eschew it as a profession but try to implicate myself in it in other ways. I think one of the slightly problematic ways this has manifested is not pursuing art in my own life, but seeking to be a muse in other’s’ artful endeavors. I’ve definitely probably contributed to the problematic male gaze I’ve written papers on, but in all vulnerable honesty, that is how I’ve been in the past. The redeeming qualities of Kota’s muse reminded me of the past, some of the qualities that I had prided in myself. I woefully feel as though I have lost all these qualities--Doing my own thing, riding my own wave, not being affected by others’ values, particularly the more superficial ones, being grounded, reading (hah, but never self help), low-key taking care of my life, knowing what I want.  

She – KOTA the friend 

She do her own thing, she ride her own wave Only twenty people on the 'Gram that she followin' Only post work, she ain't tryna be a model chick She believe in white wine, feet up on the ottoman Low-key, got her own business and she mindin' it If she get your number, you'll be lucky if she lock it in She hella grounded, but the plane trips to BnB stay booked Told me I should read the Four Agreements, it's a great book Cracked a little smile and she threw me back the same look, yea 

Slowing it down, this song sounds like a warm afternoon sunset on a lake in New Hampshire that’s not even sad. Which is rare for me since I find sunsets heart-wrenchingly empty most days.

Hand Me Downs – Mac Miller 

Get away to a place where the lakes such a great view Leave the bank, couple hunnid thou' I made it, but I hate once I build it I break it down Might just break me down   And all I ever needed was somebody with some reason who can keep me sane Ever since I can remember I've been keeping it together but I'm feeling strange

As long as I could remember, this is what I wanted. Yet in recent months, I’ve felt so confused about what I want. I’ve been feeling strange, and things don’t seem right, with no proper conclusion:   

Get away when it ain't really safe and it don't seem right But what's new? You get used to the bullshit, the screws they go missing It's likely they might be but...

I almost wish that there was something I distinctly missed, since that would at least show that I cared about something. But to be fair, wanting the wrong things have led me down many wrong turns in the past, so maybe this blank slate is not so bad. I’m so very unsure of what I want, but I suppose I just need to keep it up and act like I do* want something. That’s been the conclusion for this past year. It’s sometimes nice and fine, sometimes so difficult, and I’m in the latter end of the spectrum now, but perhaps it’ll click eventually. In the meantime, the detached voice of Giveon soothes me that I’m not only lost soul goin back and forth on the lost young adult pendulum:  

Like I Want You – Giveon  

I guess I'll just pretend until it all makes sense   Like I want you You, ooh, ooh Even if it's true, ooh (Even if it's true)

Early-ish July 2020