#and then secret garden came on. and it didnt make me feel any better but it made my desperation feel more grounded you know

[thestoryofayouth]

bruce springsteen’s music is so fucking tragic because its all about wanting to get away and be somewhere better. it is a feeling that seeps into every song, even the ones that lyrically arent about escape. but its there always….

[larrythefloridaman]

Y'all like your deities with or without the shell?

Under the readmore is aaaaaaaaall color god observations and musings based on them, because I am studying to become the world's Premiere Chromatheologian and RGB Understander so under the cut is pretty much Oops! All Spoilers! up to the most recent episode of season 3.

Apparently Universal Color God Attributes:

Damage to their domain hurts them, but fixing the issue, or lashing out by using their powers destructively, can help them to repair the damage.

If they sustain enough damage, it can temporarily paralyze them and send them into a strengthened but 'exposed' state (chartreuse's spirit activation in the last fight of 19) and further damage after that will activate a failsafe, which is unique by domain but seemingly designed to give them the chance to balance things, but can get… very out of hand or backfire depending on circumstances. (see: cobalt’s failsafe sending mark's universe into a never-ending apocalyptic war because word of the cure for death became too widespread for the killing urge failsafe to affectively balance anything because every side could simply revive their fallen.)

Chartreuse's failsafe is something of a stopped time bubble quarantine where processes that require the passing of time cannot complete, allowing her the time to wear down the offending party to beat them to death or plan around finishing them.

Cobalt's is inciting war, the casualties serving to balance the scale. I'm not sure we know Crimson's yet- he's never taken enough direct damage without doing damage to compensate in order to trigger it, although i dont remember season one well enough to recall if any of the universe stuff in it tracks with the pattern bc season one is a bit fucky

Connected in a fashion that allows them to simply Sense the overall status of the others to some extent, although they don't know Why theyre in the state theyre in without asking (chartreuse [and by extension, folk, presumably on her information] confronting crimson via crimsonaut for pretending to be dead, Cobalt confronting both his siblings about how they are handling their duties improperly but not knowing about Folk. He knew about the constants deaths because hes a death god, duh, but he didnt use their names like crimson did, possibly implying they're erased upon death so thoroughly that only crimson and the constants can really recall a shattered constants' existence, not even the other guardians.)

Abilities of the guardians can be replicated by mortals through three apparent methods- through machines (dimensional bus, the time machine, presumably J0hn's part in Sephiroth's resurrection,) simply through advanced enough individual skill (Home MD curing death, potentially Dantoinette's universe portal travel, maybe Genwun's sped up time bubble that evolved them into Genfour? although that could very well have just been an illusion and theyre just like, a fuckin theater kid that was doing pretend character development for the Bit or something given GenFive turned out to be a zoroark) or through stealing some of the power of the relevant god (Dr. Order stealing Chartreuse's power, Dani maybe having stolen some of Crimson's when she beat his ass. Dani's one woman universal travel is like, wicked ambiguous)

Cobalt:

Can seemingly perceive or act through any living material. (The Tree. Cobalt instructed Larry to slap his hand on that tree, that shit glowed and he had a new deal tattoo without Cobalt ever having been physically present)

Can influence the resurrected by giving them a killing urge. Represented by an aberrant brainwave and a ringing in the undead's heads. This doesnt appear to be direct control- as the Grunk could clearly restrain himself from killing people that genuinely didn't deserve it (like nightly and cha cha, who WERE grunk event targets but not fatally so. Nagito was a crimson thing so it really doesn't count here. God poor grunk his life really is just a constant plaything in the hands of the gods huh) and Sephiroth very much had personal motivation to want to kill Folk. failsafe activates this ability on the scale of war.

Deals. The extent of what Cobalt can do with these is unclear but Iggy's god powers were taken from him as his part in the deal so what he can take isn't limited to physical things or things obviously related to his domain.

Weaknesses:

Deals. While this ability is impressive his preference for making deals for those that offend against his domain is potentially very exploitable- Larry's knowledge of the cure for death is, if word of it were to ever get out beyond Larry, wildly dangerous for this dimension, so technically the safest thing for the iron-fisted cobalt to do would be to nip the problem in the bud and get rid of him. But, fascinatingly, that wasn't even put on the table, the first thing Cobalt does is threaten J0hn, prompting Larry to make a deal. While Cobalt enforces death, he also doesn't like unnecessary death, and Larry demonstrably knows how to keep a secret for the good of the world even at great cost to himself and Cobalt is aware of this- easily clarifying to Larry the aberrant thing endangering the universe wasn't his timeloop business. So while he's clearly not letting his resurrection fuckery go unpunished, he's being pretty merciful when he doesn't have to be and from a strictly, brutally pragmatic perspective probably shouldn't be.

His control over the undead manifests as a ringing and an aberrant brainwave trackable by J0hn's equipment, and could probably therefore be accounted for and circumvented? J0hn has, wisely, largely sworn off fucking with people's brains after the sephiroth fiasco went So Wrong, So Very Wrong, Oh God Oh Fuck Someone Cool Almost Died, but if he hadn't, and if J0hn let his dislike for authority and keeping Larry safe outweigh reason like he let safety, spite and comedic value outweigh good ethical sense when reprogramming sephiroth, in theory Mr. 'hacked a time machine for breakfast?' could. y'know. probably do it. what is a god's authority to an anarchist, what better to challenge life and death than the cold and eternal machine, you get the point its a fun scenario

Olive Garden Breadsticks and Small Cute Dogs, apparently

Chartreuse's:

Time Clones: taps into parallel timelines to retrieve alternate versions of herself to utilize.

Time Travel: what it says on the tin. Travel to the past creates painful splits in the prime timeline, but through careful action and traveling back into the past, these can be weaved into a time loop. A split from the timeline is a wound, and a successful timeloop is the surgical scar it can become with attentive care, to use a medical metaphor. Carefully closed and healing. Keeping Folk here is essentially akin to chartreuse pulling out her stitches on the initial incision.

Time Stopping: creates a space wherein things that take time to complete cannot complete, where things can move, but everything within is in a perfect unchanging stasis until the bubble drops. This is the form her failsafe takes.

Timeline Creation: can create timelines from scratch.

Can fuse alternate timeline versions of the same individual to allow them to coexist. (Ryan's confirmed in the discord that Dantoinette experienced both failures in 20, because Chartreuse fused the two instances of her to save the post-raid instance from fading. Could... theoretically do this to Folk and save herself the pain, but while Folk and Therapuppy are the same person, there's seven years and untold amounts of difference deriving from the time and circumstance between them and the inherent cognitive dissonances that would result from attempting that would be wicked fucked up to inflict, and that's assuming there isn't some reason that it wouldn't be possible anyway. while the two Danis had like. A day or so's difference between them, so she could be safely fused with the only dissonant thing being that she remembers both being too slow to prevent order's time escape and beginning to dissipate post-raid, AND losing that fight to her pre-raid. RIP Dani, that perfectionism must be kicking her ass)

Weaknesses:

Unwilling to use her powers destructively in her pursuit of domain repair and thereby much easier to damage to the point of paralyzing her, making her particularly vulnerable to Power Theft

Morally Optimistic. At one point in 19, she briefly justifies Crimson's shitty evil actions to herself after experiencing for herself how Wack the kerfuffleverse is firsthand, ("and all he did was kill a couple people!" Chartreuse. Honey.) and when she fights Crimsonaut she seems to actually believe for a second that he's actually worried about her when Crimson asks if she's okay after he beats her. Additionally, as D+, she concerns herself with trying to understand doctor order's motive, and after Larry defeats Order, he makes a point of confirming she feels no remorse before making his request for what Chartreuse does with her, and appeals to the idea of letting Order fulfill her desire to be a god in a way which isn't a problem for anyone and Chartreuse is more than happy to oblige under these conditions after what Larry's done for everybody. Then immediately threatens to evaporate him for playfully teasing her about having a crush on folk. Fucked up a little bit

Crimson's:

Universe Shifting: Travel between universes.

Universe Correction: appears to replace an aberrant individual with the 'correct' version of themselves for that universe, presumably sending them back to their own. (Mario from super mario was universe corrected, but still seemingly exists in wario form as evidenced by smashup kerfuffle, and was simply temporarily replaced with his corrected universe counterpart. But like. The dimensional bus system is still active crimbo doing the Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me routine aint gonna work if they can come back with a shrug and bus fare. you're fighting the symptoms without treating the problem)

Universal Constants:

Three individuals per universe that serve as the pillars which stabilize said universe, created by absorbing red orbs Crimson creates. Becoming a constant grants power, but also makes the constant fragile, and death wipes them from the face of the multiverse, only crimson, those he's possessed and the other constants seemingly able to recall they ever existed, although some physical evidence is still left behind (Larry's record of Nagito's death, which is just as redacted as everything else relating to him but still is very much something Larry has. Kind of a Voidfish adventurezone type beat ironically enough? Taako really has seen all this shit before no wonder he peaced tf out)

To counterbalance the weaknesses the constants have, they have a sort of spidey-sense to alert them to danger, and an intrinsic bonded connection to their fellow constants, and additionally, Crimson apparently doesn't suffer any pain from the death of constants or the structural instability of a universe.

Possession: what it says on the tin! Seemingly can only be done with permission to living things- none of crimson's direct hosts seem to have entered that agreement unwillingly, Valentine lost a bet, Hamburger and Crimsonaut have been by all evidence intentional allies to Crimson- but electronics are fair game, as seen with The Guy's suit. Kinda curious how that rule applies to bitches that are half and half, like J0hn or the clonebot gang, as its unclear whether The Guy's suit was yoinkable without permission because it was mechanical or because its not sentient. could go either way but if it's the former that's potentially very frightening

Fusion: Two individuals from alternate universes can be fused into one shared body which can take on aspects of either depending on which is currently in control. (possibly allows someone who traveled into a given universe to become a fixed resident there without it being an issue for Crimson, whose job is to prevent interdimensional travel?) Monday Mark and possibly T.O.M. are our main examples.

Corruption:

Unpleasant As Hell and can even kill you instead of changing you if you cant handle it.

turns the corrupted individual into a twisted exaggeration of themself, allows them supernatural control over their shape, and makes them very difficult- if not impossible by traditional means- to kill, based on Garfield.

Subjects them to control by Crimson, but can be exorcised of this influence just like crimson's direct hosts can, although the supernatural changes to their physiology are seemingly permanent, judging from Shantae.

Notable Weaknesses:

Exorcism can be performed to free a possessed or corrupted individual of Crimson's influence. Its unclear how exorcism works/is learned in CPUK, but confirmed exorcists: dantoinette and yung papaya's snake dad, confirmed non-exorcists: folk

The universal constant orbs are physical objects so they are Very Stealable and they grant a power boost so theres literally an Incentive to beat his ass for anybody who wants to be strong and either doesnt know or doesn't care about the whole 'getting erased when you die' part

Crimson has lots of tools to create pawns, but all of them have drawbacks. Corruption could kill a potential pawn, possession generally seems to require permission, and he has no control over the constants' choices and actions

Manipulative bitch's highest stat is charisma and it shows. This motherfucker is selling snake oil. If he was mortal rather than a Whole Entire God he'd make an excellent ineffectual saturday morning cartoon supervillain and i think everyone, including him, would be happier for it, ngl

Something interesting ive realized that likely wasnt fully intentional, is that a lot of Dr. Order's creations, considering her motive, can kind of be sorted by a color god it appears to be a crude attempt at mimicking the abilities of. My Grunk is a poorly executed resurrection, the clonebot gang vs chartreuse's timeclones (this one deserves special mention because Chartreuse used this shitty attempted mimicry to her advantage with D+, very smart and ironic play, excellent job Treusy,) spirits are somewhat similar to universal constant orbs (orbs which can be absorbed to grant power, but which have physical repercussions- key differences being that spirits require activation and grow stronger while attuning to a user without being used, and having far less severe drawbacks, taking a heavy toll on the body, but only once they've worn off and without the risk of wiping yourself from the face of existence,) and she also augmented Perfect Spriteman and Larry, which kind of track as crude imitations of Crimson's corruption!

Garfield was an acerbic cat who loved food and hated mondays, now its an actively malicious ever-hungry amorphous entity whose only weakness is monday and whose only consistency in form is 'cat-like.'

Shantae was (to my extremely limited understanding of shantae,) a friendly heroic type who had to introduce herself often, and she became something akin to a biblically accurate angel that can *only* introduce herself.

The Grunks a tough but sweet and supportive single dad with stage presence and a tendency to fly off the handle when he or his family are slighted, and now he gets so hype in the audience when his son does well that he bursts into flames and ascends and we get random grunk events along with the associated murder charges when he gets mad and the target sucks enough that he doesn't hold himself back from killing them.

Perfect Spriteman and Larry fit the trend of exaggeration of already present traits- Spriteman fucking loves sprite and became something that only thinks about sprite, and Larry the Florida Man, characterized from minute one by unpredictability and who spent his first matches in the series pre-shapeshifter transformation staying alive keeping stocks for Shockingly Long even despite getting seventh, became literally physically random as well as developing the ability to regenerate, albeit with the ability to feel pain normally very much intact, unlike Garfield just... Soaking up damage like its nothing in his pursuit of Jon. The fact that Arbuckle legit defeated Garfield, even temporarily, is terrifyingly impressive honestly that dude is fucking built different for being so chronically bland

i dont think they're actually corrupted in any meaningful way we have to worry about, to be fully clear, Spriteman was cured with fucking antacids, i simply think they could be a fucked up attempt at making something that kind of seems like it from a functional standpoint, from the wannabe god doctor that brought us green clones whose only fundamental association with time was accelerated aging and who thought an actively rotting corpse thats just reanimated enough that it can throw hands was as good as curing death

[oh-for-fic-sake]

No Boyfriend’s

Masterlist

Henry comes home to find out his three year old princess has a boyfriend, whats a dad to do?

Warnings: swearing, fluff

A/n: so I had so much fun wrighting this fluff piece! Thank you to @jessevans​ for requesting it.

No Boyfriend's

You walked up to the preschool to pick up your daughter from her afternoon session. You had to admit when Henry had first sugested moving out of the city You had been a little skeptical. He had been adamant that he wanted your child to have a childhood much like his. Out of the hustle and bustle moving out into 'the sticks' as many londoners would call it. You'd settled in a quaint picturesque little village near Canterbury in Kent the location was perfect for henry's work with the port of dover thirty minutes away and the center of london with all the airports around an hours drive in the opposite direction it was ideal. And best of all it was out of the way and had all the amenities within the village itself a post office, shop,pub, Doctors surgery and pharmacy the local primary school and pre school was literally a five minute walk from your house and the closest secondary schools were a ten minute bus ride into canterbury itself and when the time came you had six to choose from.

The reason for the move? Your now three year old Daughter the apple of her daddies eye. You remebered the day you'd told your boyfriend you were pregnant, you'd been terrified as much as he said he wanted a family you couldnt help that twinge of doubt. But he was exstatic within moments he had darted out of the room when he returned he was clumsily trying to dial his mothers number with shaking hands tears streaming down his face as he kept asking if you were sure even when his mother picked up, you could here her laughs of joy as he told her. He paced the room leaving you to sit on the bed giggling as he refused to sit down whilst on the phone with his family every time he walked past you he move his hand pressing on Your flat tummy asif trying to feel the child already that or he was trying to imagine you with a bump and that grin? You'd never seen him smile like that before it truly melted your heart seeing him so happy. He was always and attentive boyfriend but once you was pregnant he was..Incredible always by your side when he was at home tending to your every need and he somehow managed not to be over bearing.

It was when you went to the first scan that he had proposed some might say it wasn't the most romantic but for you it was perfect! Leaving with the first photos of your little jellybean and a fiance. Fuck yes! You thought that you couldnt get any happier but then came the gender scan. You knew he didnt mind what they were but you also knew deep deep down you both wanted a little girl to coddle over and buhe wanted a daddies girl someone who he could be their knight in shining  armour. He could bearly keep still beside you holding your hand tight watching the screen trying to get a look at your little 'nugget' as he had called them he couldn't keep quiet either with every swipe of the ultrasound  wand he was changing his mind.

"Girl? Is that? I can see? nope Boy definatly boy"

"Henry babe...dont get to excited that's the umbilical cord...I think?" They were being a little bugger crossing their legs making the sonographer work hard to move them around as you had to move again and again trying to get the little one to move. Finally they spoke.

"And you two are about to have... Little....Princess! You have a baby girl on the way congratulations" you both froze looking at the screen seeing your baby...your daughter. Immediately you both burst into tears.

"A-a girl your sure?" Henry asked in a quiet shaky voice the woman smiled nodding handing you both tissues then moved slower over the child showing you exactly what she saw then printed off some of the photos for you. Once home Henry began refering to her as 'little lady' on account of her 'protecting her modesty' by crossing her legs.

It wasnt long after youd began talking about moving seroiusly, the house was big enough sure but now you knew the baby was a girl it all seemed much more real. Sure you'd both spoke about buying a house together on and off as youd moved in to his place earlier in the relationship but this time it was more feasible the idea of raising your precious little girl in the middle of london didn't bode well for Henry he was also concerned about haveing photos of her taken he was an actor hell your relationship was posted all over social media by your third date! He didn't want that attention on his daughter so you both started seriously looking. It only took another nine weeks to find a place you both fell in love with the Georgian detached house it looked like a mini manor with its decorative columns and tall windows had a huge garden to for kal it was perfect.

At six months you had a small private wedding and it was then that he anounced your marriage and baby Cavill, potsing your favourite wedding photo of you in you and Henry facing each other laughing witb your foreheads together, you were wrapped around each other as close as ou could get considering the bumb that had seemingly grown overnight his hand resting on the cute bump you were laughing because she had just kicked him when he had told you he loved you. Almost like 'dont forget about me!', Kal had photo bombed to his head poking out between your an Henry's legs smiling , a part of your flowy dress caught up on the bears ear head tilted the only one looking at the camera and in the same post he added an ultrasound of your baby girl. You got congratulations from many of yours freinds and family. And Henry's freinds and costars each wondering the same thing 'how the fuck did Henry keep it quiet?'. You wondered that as well, the hole pregnancy was just memory after memory. Henry made sure you did everything you could to document your daughters creation, you did the photo of your bump once a week the last one being you in the hospital in the middle of slow labour holding the gown tight around you a mere half hour before she was born. He had made sure you did the belly casting which had been tidied up and trimmed painted pink and was in the cupboard, then the 4d scans expensive tho they were nothing and you mean nothing compared to seeing her little face for the first time, it was then you realised she looked nothing like you! She was all her father although a slightly more feminine and less sharp and it was also there you were told she had lots od hair...Curls you felt like you'd hit the jackpot. At the birth he had been incredibly supportive until he wasn't, well you disagreed  he wanted to film it and not just your face  he wanted to film it you said no but regretted it after as it would have been solid proof of what happened.  You see one moment he was there then mid contraction....you heard quiet 'nope' a huge thump is what alerted you to his fall.... there was an alarm pressed and nurses came running in each giggleing, it was rare now days to have a fainter.

"Are you FUCKING KIDING ME?! HENRY?! OI! HERNY? CAVILL GET YOUR ASS UP!" You had to stop shouting and started breathing heavy as another contraction pulled at you once over you began barking orders to the nurses.

"KICK HIM...KICK HIM IN THE NUTS! DONT WORRY ABOUT STERILISING SUPERMAN HERE! NEVER AGAIN! HE WONT THEM TRUST ME... HENRY GET UP! ARE YOU LISTENING? STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH! I AM NOT DOING THIS AGAIN COS HE FUCKING MISSED IT! LOOKING WHEN I TOLD HIM NOT TO!"  The nurses didn't know what to do it took three of them to place im in the chair each trying desperately not to laugh as you had a melt down screaming at him to 'wake the fuck up' You swore you even heard laugher from outside signaling that his family had heard. Yes your wonderfully supportive husband had fainted through stress? Excitment? Anxiety? Low blood sugar? Each time you asked him it had been different answer but and to quote him 'it was definitely not because I looked' which neither you or his brothers will ever believe or let him forget. Luckily he came to as you finally birthed his daughter. A stunning screaming little dark haired bundle. He sobbed when he held her for the first time leaning over her cradeling her so gently leaning over her kissing her as many time he possibly could he was the first one to hold her, hug her kiss her and change her. The photo of his first cuddle hung proudly in the hallway ,you will never forget that moment, the moment when Henry's whole world changed  you could see then just how much he had wanted this. Your daughter was going to be the luckiest little girl in the world.

Paige had grown into a daddies girl, through and through which made today much better. Henry was coming home from filming man from u.n.c.l.e he had been away for months and you had kept his arrival home a secret. Henry was going to make it home in about twenty five minutes. You stopped just before the colourfull gates unable to go in with Kal, you could see the kids lining up in twos underneath the oak tree in the small garden. You smile moving to stroke Kals ears hushing him as he barked loudly vibrating with exciment his tail thumping on the floor as he sat like the good boy he was. At his bark you could hear the kids all squeal with excitment, they loved it when you brought the 'wolf' to the preschool. It was funny hearing Paige whine to them that 'his name is Kal and he's a bear'. He was quite the spoilt pup when he helped you pick up his sister getting hugs and kisses of all the Paige's class mates. Finally the small class was walked out of the garden one of the teachers holding the gate lettjng them leave to their parents. Paige waited in line pointing to you then was let out you ducked down hugging her kissing between her her curly little pigtails.

"Hey baby! Have a good day?" She nodded passing you her small bag and a small potted plant? You looked at her confused but said nothing. She turned and giggled hugging kal smoshing her face in his chest making him stand up she pulled back and squealed as he latherd her with kisses three hours away from her was apparently to long!

"Oh no Kal! Stop it silly bear!" You laughed watching her push weakly at kal who began to settle down now that his 'pup' was with him. You noticed the other parents hovering there kids all pulljng itching to come get Kal cuddles. You smiled to them nodding suddenly they came over all giving him pets and love which he lapped up. You also used it as a sort of lesson the do's and donts of petting dogs, which did some of the other parents a favour. Kal wagged his tail and droped to the floor he couldnt roll over fast enough directing the tiny hands to scratch his belly mouth open tongue lolling about as he panted one happy little bear. After you were sure all the kids got there cuddles you moved calling kal he huffed at you ignoring you instead wanting more love. You smirked down at him sighing as the children giggled. Finally after much coaxing from the other parents you and Paige managed to heave kal away with promises of chicken and snuggles at home. Soon you was on your way home kal padding beside you happy as can be.

Paige took he spot beside you holding his lead with you she was talking about her 'boyfriend' a little boy who she had taken a shine to. It was really sweet he had just moved to the area a little asian boy who paige had bonded with quickly. Really they were just best freinds but he was the first boy she had made freinds with hence she had opted to call him her boyfriend.

"So then Micah played let me play and-and he let me be a knight!" You smiled at her as she beamed excited.

"Really? A knight?" She stopped at the road with you looking both ways then crossed quickly.

"Yeah! Like in daddy's games!! And he gave me some of the bany tomatoes in his lunch...did you he grew them in his own garden!!" You gasped sown at her.

"Really? Oh my, sound like a little dream boat!" she scrunched up her nose lookjng up at you placing a tiny hand to he forehed sheildjngnher eyea from the afternoon sun

"Wha?" You chuckled shaking your head at her.

"Never mind jummy is just being silly" nodded to you her lightl blue eyes sparkling at you then Continued talking about her day mostly about Micah and the games they played.

When you reached home you watched as kal began barking and whining which could only mean one thing. Henry was home already, you unlocked the gate and released the dog with a quiet 'go get daddy' he tore off whining running to the door scratching and pouncing barking the whole time.

"Mummy whats wrong with kal?" You looked down at her knowingly"I'm not sure why don't you go see to him?" She nodded her head biting her lip then licking it, she looked so much like her father doing that. Then she was off running to the house just as Henry opened the door. She froze then screamed for him quickly falling to pieces with grabby hands wantjng her daddy. You watched all choked up as always she was bawling her eyes out by the time he had jumped the steps to the house scooping her up in his huge arms. He clutched her to his chest shushing and rocking her as she cried into him fisting her small hands in his shirt just calling him over and over. He moved his head kissing her trying to calm her, he hated and loved this. He hated her getting so upset when her returned but secretly loved that she missed him. The first few times he left he was worried she wouldnt remember him but juste as youd promised him she had.

The first time he came home you’d taken her to the airport to meet him...He had ended hup having to sit in the back with her as she refused to let him go getting hysterical  each time he tried to pry her off of him. She had gotten better as she got older understanding that daddy had to work and now she was older she could speak to him on the phone and video chat. Each time after the initial crying and snuggles she would stay stuck to his side weather she was sitting on the sofa between his legs when he was playing games or in the makeshift gym with him useing his reps to practice her counting...even if in five mineuts he managed two hundred by her count they were always together. Hell sometimes he even read a new script as a bed time story, which not even you were privvy to!

You laughed walking up to him winding your arms around them both cuddling your daughter between you he leaned in kissing ou on the lips.

"God its good to be home" you smiled smoothing  one of paiges high pigtails she whined calming down kicking her little legs wrapping an arm around his neck and moved suckling her thumb a little. He moved you all into the house patting her bottom lightly somthing he had done since she was born it always soothed her. You moved to the kitchen opening the back door letting air in it was to hot, you placed the small plant on the windosill by the sinck giving it a tiny bit of water as you noticed the siol had dried out. Henry stayed close behind you wanting to be around you, you moved to the slow cooker flicking it on to warm up the already cooked casserole. He came up behinde you movijng to have Paige on one hip still rocking her slightly even tho she had calmed down.

"Ohh look baby chicken casserole...Did you help mummy with that today before school? " She giggled peering over the pot.

"Yes daddy! I putted in the veggies! And tatoes! Daddy!" He smiled at her gasping.

"You did the veggies and the potatoes?! Such a clever girl making daddies favourite dinner" she giggled at the praise nodding.

"And-and I tasted it to!" he gasped at her as she got all excited

"And what do you think?" She grinned and 'whispered'

"Needed salt" you spun round and gasped at her offended.

"You little!" You chased her and Henry around the kitchen island wriggling your fingers as if to tickle her.

"AHH HAHAHa NOOO! DADDY RUN RUN!" you giggled as he scarperd out of the kitchen hovering by the door and moved all you saw was the tops of their heads peering into the kitchen. You rolled your eyes as they made a 'plan of attack' you turned back to the pit placeing the lid back on.

Suddeny Henry had you, arms pinning yours to the sides as Paige 'tickled' you making you laugh.

"Oh my god! Stop I give I give!" Finally Paige relented koala climbing Henry who quickly scooped her up to his hip.You moved in kissing her cheek then henry as he wrapped his free arm around you nuzzling in to your neck giving a quick nip before licking at your skin.You giggled trying to escape yet all he did was grab you around your waist and hoist you up.

"HAHA! I have you both now!" You laughed and Paige squealed as he spun around holding you both before making his way to the living room  you wriggled free pretendingnto run from him making paige call out to you for help as he threw her up in the air holding her with 'slam dunking' paige to the sofa making her laugh and  scream as he followed lifting her littl tshirt blowing rasberries on her tummy makeing her squeal and laugh louder. You smiled at the two, this is what you missed when he was away, the laughter of a full house. You sat down in Henry's armchair as he and Paige 'wrestled' soon attracting kals attention who like the loyal steed he was came to paiges aid pouncing henry making him groan and roll off her givingnher and kal the chance to escape to the garden, you both let them the garden was safe and having  kal around was like a live in nanny he wont let anything happen to her.

Henry rolled over on the sofa lounging back panting crooking a finger at you. You crept over moving to sit in his lap, he tugged you down to him pressing a gentle kiss to your lips. He moved sitting up more cupping your ass smirking.

"Soo? Did you think about what I mentioned?" You grinned and pretended to think for a second making him groan leaning in leaving kisses on your neck and jaw.

"I did" you finally replied, you felt him hold his breath as his nose ghosted your ear.

"I stopped them that night~ all back to normal now" he pulled back staring at you

"Really? You mean it?" You nodded them brought you forward for a deep kiss. He had mentioned trying for another child when he came back, youd always intended to give Paige a sibling but not when she aas still a baby baby. Now that Paige was older and going to be in school next year you had felt ready to try again and had be over the moon whne henry had suggested it in a video chat instantly stopping your contraception so eveything would be back to normal and you could start trying asap asfterall you knly had him home for a few months then he was off to play superman again. He smiled lunging forward pinning you below him devouring your mouth you moaned as things got heated.

You felt them. Eyes. Blue eyes to be exact. You both sighed and turned to Paige who was staring unblinking at the two of you from the door. You moved pushing him up.

"Mummy? Wheres my plant I wana show daddy what I grew!" He looked at you and sighed a little, you could tell he was a bit dissapointed but you waved him off as he stood pulling you up with him you moved in whispering.

"Tonight love" he grinned and jumped up a bounce in his step holding his hand out to paige who took it.

"Its on the windowsill in the kitchen" Henry nodded left the room letting you relax for a while already knowing you were picking up your kindle to read. Once in the kitchen he lifted Paige placing her on the counter and pulled over the small plant.

"So whats this then?" She smiled touchingnthe leaves softly

"Its a strawberry plant daddy...I did it from a tiny seed!" He smiled at her looking to the plant it wasnt half bad small but alive which is more then he could say for his when he tried.

"Oh you did this? At school?" She nodded at him and moved the leaves about.

"Yes and it will get bigger and grow pretty flowers...And the flowers will grow a strawberry! Miss bou said we cant pick em till they are a bright red like in the shops... and we can take pictures in to show em off!" He nodded to her

"So your gardening at school now? Is it fun?" She giggled putting the plant down

"Yeah we got lots in our vegetable patch...we got some lettuce and peppers and spinach and and tomatoes! But they not ready yet...Micahs is! Micah grows the at home... can we grow some veggies daddy?" He smiled at her

"We certainly can...Besides we will need to plant your strawberries in the garden...I will make your ownn little growing patch amd we can grow anything you want how does that sound?" She squealed and bounced on her bottom making him smile.

"Lets make a list and we can go get them tomorrow" she nodded in agreement. You walked in the kitchen as henry and Paige leaned over the counter making a list

"Whats going on here then?" Paige quickly riped the paper from under Henry's nose.

"List mummy! Of palnts for my veggie patch! Daddy wants to help!" You smiled peaking over the paper seeing two halves one side had strange 'paige writing' the other a list Henry had written. Compost, tools, string, pots then lots of different fruit and veg. You chuckled shaking your head.

"You missed watering can...maybe we could get a waterbutt? And one of thows plastice green houses to start the seedling off?" He smiled nodding addjng them to the list as you went and checked dinner. You nodded then turned to the other two."Right you tow dinners done wash up then go wait at the table...Had it in the slow cooker all day just needed to be heated up" he leaned over kissing you once again thanking you then helped Paige was her hands leaving to the dining room with Paige.

You did this everytime he came home early dinner meant an early bedtime for Paige and then You could give Henry a proper homecoming. You dished up the dinner home made chicken casserole you moved quickly with the three bowles placing them on the table then sat down ready to eat as Henry began talking about work. you smiled letting him gush about his work, you loved seeing him like this he blushed slightly.

"Any way enough about that, how have my two girls been?" You watched at Paige grinned across the table to him.

"I made a new friend daddy!" You swallowed your mouthfull choosing to keep quiet you knew where this was going you grinned into you bowl. He smiled at her leaning over to wipe her mouth quickly making her giggle at him as he stuck his tongue out at her.

"Oh really? And whats her name?"

"Haha nooo! Daddy its not a girl...I've got a boyfriend!" Henry choked onhis mouthfull paiges face dropped and she looked to you worriedly you smiled reassuringly at her. Henry hit his chest coughing finally getting himslef under control, he looked at you shocked and terrified you nodded at him chuckling.

"A-a boyfriend? Poppet dont you think your a bit err young for that?" She frowned at him shaking her head.

"No daddy! He is really nice! He lets me be a knight! And today we had lunch together and he fed-ed me his tomatoes."

"Gave paige he gave you his tomatoes" you corrected as Henry gaped at her unsure what to make of it.

"So he is just a friend?....he better be"  he grumbled the last part under his breath.

"He is a friend...My boyfriend I love him daddy... he gives me hugs! And Kal likes him to! He's my hero" You giggled as Henry was panicked and at a loss.

"Really....love I thought daddy was your hero?" Creased up he actually looked a bit hurt from her words she gave him a sympathetic look.

"Yes daddy you are...But Micah is to! He is soo pretty and fun and he don't make me be the princess all the time...And he shares his colours"

"Okay so you love this boy Micah?" She nodded pushing her food around in her bowl.

"What do you love about him?"

"His hair! Its black and shiney! And and he is cute!"

"Aha but you do know he isnt your boy friend right? Your not aloud boyfriends yet....No boyfriends untill your older." He said she looked at him wide eyed then you her bottom lip quivering.

"What? But but I love him!" Henry crossed his arms at her she mimicked him scowling

"No absolutly not baby" .she whined and smaked the table in a huff

"NOOO! MY BOYFRIEND!" He raised a brow at her as she had a paddy.

"No boyfreinds untill your 21 and thats final ittle lady"

"No! Micah is mine! My boyfriend! A-and you cant stop us from playing! So there!" Henry rose a brow trying to ignor your quiet chuckles as Paige made huffed and stuck her nose in the air being a right little madame. You watched givjng Henry the stink eye as a grin crawled across his face. Here we go.

"Its illegal...he could get in trouble, daddy could get in trouble" Henry tilted his head at her as she gasped trying to read him, you could see her mind trying to work him out. Is he lying? Or not? but her father was an actor...And a damn good one he had a poker face like no other. You knew where this was going, you knew you should stop it but his was gold! You had a feeling that henry was not gojng to ckme out on top.as she opend her mouth.

"W-well we wont tell..Keep it a secret!" She said holding a finger to her lips Henry tutted shaking his head.

"Oh poppet...Do you know where daddy has been these past months?" You squinted at him trying to see exactly where this was going knowing you were going to have to pick up the pieces. She nodded then shook her head no. He smiled devilishly at her. Oh shit here he goes.

"Daddy has been to spy school" you gasped at him oh hell no he wouldnt...yes he fucking would you could see the twinkle in his deep blues.

"Spy school?" She spoke in a small voice then turned to you looking fro one to the other he nodded at he

"Y-your a spy?" He nodded and she gave him a sa look.

"Yes, and I made friends with lots of spies" she twitched slightly shaking her head.

"And they told me that the spy rules says that a spy's little girl isn't allowed a boyfriend until they are twenty one....If they did find out daddy could get in trouble...You dont want daddy to be in trouble do you?" She shook her head bottom lip trembling as she was torn. She looked like she would explode as she tried weighting up her 'options'.

 Suddenly Henry dropped his smug look and looked more like a deer in the headlights as Paige began wailing moving her arms making grabby hands to you. You sighed and hoisted her into your arms rocking her trying so hard not to laugh.

"W-why is da-daddy mean?....I ju-just want to pl-play with my boyfreind!" You patted her back rocking her.

"No-now D-daddy will get i-in trouble! But I-I just w-wana plaayy!" She cried harder hicupping between her words.

"Oh sweety come here shh shh" you gave Henry a look as he leaned back in his chair crossing his arms at you shaking his head. Stubborn and protective of his little lady.

"Nope..Not having it" you hissed at him knowing you had to spell this one out for the big idiot.

"Daddy didn't mean it,he wont get in trouble at all baby girl"

"Yes I did"

"HENRY!" he shut up at your hiss

"Bu-but d-daddy said-"

"Hey look at me...Dont listen to daddy he is an idiot and just jealous of Micah" she sniffled an nodded

"Y-yeah cos he-he's got pretty Shiney hair... D-daddies just got stupid curls!" You giggled as Henry looked aghast at her not believing wht ha was hearing

"Exactly daddy is just being a grump! you can still play with Micah...He is your best friend isn't he?" She nodded sniffling

"and you love his like a friend right?" Henry now realised his mistake blinked at you as you rolled your eyes shaking your head at him like 'what the fuck? Really? Shes three' .oh. She pulled away wipinng her eyes looking to henry's matching blues.

"Really daddy? C-can I still play w-with micah?"

"Yes of course...I'm sorry baby...you and mummy was right I just got jealous...daddy is used to being your only hero." Smooth cavill real smooth. She bought it tho nodding he tilted his head down.

"Yo-you wont be in tr-trouble" he shook his head at her

"A-and Micah wo-wont be in t-trouble?" Again he shook his head and reached for her.

"No baby daddy was just being silly...Come here Can you forgive me poppet?" She thlught about it then nodded lunging for him cuddling him he mouthed a sorry to you but you just rolled your eyes at him. Idiot.

It was later that night when Henry returned to your bedroom after reading Paige to sleep,. You both flitted about one another getting ready for bed ou was brushing your teeth when he brought it up.

"So who is this micah then?" You rolled your eyes still hearing a little hostility there...To a fucking three year old. You spat out the toothpaste and looked to henry leaning on the door.

"A little boy...He moved to the village just after you left...Paige was instantly taken with him, he is asian so was avoided by the other kids...you know what she's like with hair and shes never seen straight pitch black hair before... she gushed about him for a few days then they became best freinds....And she call's him her boyfriend because he is the first male friend shes made! God henry really shes three! There none of that shit yet...not for a good few years!" You turned away from your sheepish husband.

"So? nothing i need to know? theres nothing going on? whats his parents like?" You blinked at him..

"Seriously? Like are you being serious now?  Ok well fuck it his dad has taken over the doctors surgery and is actually your and my doctor now that dr marsh has retired! His mother is a stay at home wife, they have a cat called fuji; cos he is fat and a gold fish called mino because its a mino...he is a sweet polite boy ...his favourite colour is green he grows fruit and veg in his garden and you know what Henry he fucking loves batman! and whne he batman versus superman comes out he is gonna want batman to kick your ass! there you happy Jesus fucking christ almighty!" Henry smirked moving towards you slowly stalking towards you really.

"Fuck off" he just chuckled quickly wrappjng himself around you.

"God your so sexy when our mad come here~" you blinked at him

"Oh hell no You did not get me riled up to have rough sex.....Henry I!....you little shit!" He laughed knowing you’d caught onto him making you more irritated and dragged you to the bed kissing at your neck along the way.

"Come on love time for number two...A boy to keep and eye on Paige for me when I'm away!" You chuckled relenting as he laid you down on your bed.

[moonsstarss]

Euphemia Potter and Sirius Black

The first time Sirius went to James’ house, was in the second break from their first year. James was going home to his family and he had asked him mom if his new beste mate could come with him to join them for Christmas.

At first, Euphemia didn’t approve of it, having another 11 year old in their house while she wanted to celebrate Christmas with her small family. But after having heard James talk about how the boy had a bad home situation, she said yes to James’ idea.

Euphemia and Fleamont were carefull with the black haired boy. They knew he was vulnerable, (even tho Sirius claimed he wasn’t) They were carefull because he do, in fact, was a Black. But after having him at theirs for one night, they realized he really wasn’t like a Black, not at all.

Sirius was polite, he smiled and talked a lot. He was nice to both Euphemia and Fleamont and he cared a lot about their son.

The first moment Euphemia realised how bad Sirius needed a real mom, was when she walked in on the boy having a nightmare one night.

Sirius was breathing heavily. Whimpering and silcent tears walking down his small face.

Euphemia softly touched Sirius’ cheek as Sirius flinched awake. He sat up fastly, gasping for air and breathing fast.

“Shhhh, its alright sweetheart.”

Euphemia hugged the boy close, ignoring the flinches and his shaking body. Just talking softly to him, telling him it was alright.

“Everything will be alright, shhh, it’s okay.”

Sirius had stopped crying, feeling safe here.

The second time Sirius was at James’ home, was when he was around 16.

He had had an awfully huge fight with his mother and father. Being beaten up and his body still shaking from the curses.

When he made the Potters he collapsed on the grass of their garden. Feeling the blood drip from his body and every bone felt broken.

He was gasping for air heavily, trying to breath but not getting any air. He saw everything going black, letting out a last frustrated cry.

When he woke up he saw Euphemia bending over him, looking worried, sad and angry.

Sirius let out another cry, trying to say he was sorry but not getting everything out of his mouth.

“Its okay hun, I’ve already told James and Fleamont. We’re all mad at the Blacks and we’re letting you stay here for as long as we can, we’ll find a solution.”

Sirius’ eyes changed from scared till peacefull.

He was home.

Sirius’ his body still hurted a bit but he was doing better and better. The Potters had taken him in, he didn’t think he’s deserve it but they hadn’t listened to that and had said it should’ve always been this way. He was one of theirs.

Sirius heard a knock on his door.

“Sweetheart, James is getting the food at the store with dad, can you help me with preparing the dessert?”

Sirius knew this was honestly just a moment for Euphemia to be with him. She had been trying to be as much with Sirius as possible. Let the boy show he was safe, and theirs. Sirius didn’t mind.

“Coming!”

As Sirius walked downstairs he saw Euphemia was already melting some chocolate. She gave him a sweat smile as he smiled back, rolling up his sleeves and putting his hair in a loose bun.

“You can call me mom you know, I’ve told you thousand times, you never say it.” Euphemia smiled.

Sirius shrugged.

After half an hour Fleamont and James came back as Fleamont spoke.

“... so as I talked to Mia she asked about what you were doing and I told her you were with our other son and-“

Sirius interrupted.

“Uhm, Flea- no wait. Uhhh. Okay listen... I really appreciate you guys calling me your son and all but I’m still a Black and you have James and I’m not your son as much as I’d love to be..”

James, Fleamont and Euphemia looked at the boy.

The short boy with the black hair till his shoulders. The boy who tried to hide his feeling even tho he was falling apart. The boy who always got a bright blush when James called him his brother.

James smiled. “It’s alright bro, you are my bother honestly you’re not going to change that.”

Fleamont nodded as Euphemia gave him a hug.

Sirius hugged back, closing his eyes knowing he didn’t want I any other way, really.

The third time Sirius was at the Potters was when he stood at their door, well Euphemia’s door.

Fleamont had died from Dragon Pox, and James... He was hiding, hiding with the love of his life. Lily and James were safe, together with Harry.

Sirius used to be the secret keeper of James and Lily, but he had changed with Peter last moment.

Sirius hAd to tell someone, anyone who listened really. He couldn’t tell his friends tho... There was a spy in the middle of them and Sirius didn’t know who it was. It could be anyone. He had to tell someone who would definitely not tell anyone else.

Euphemia had be the first person Sirius thought of.

She was James’ mom and would never ever betray him.

Euphemia opened the door, pointing her wand at Sirius.

“What did Sirius say to me the first time he met me?”

Sirius smirked, it had been truly hilarious.

“Hello miss Potter, I’m James’ new friend and I would like to inform that James once peed his pants while brushing his teeth walking on his hands.”

Euphemia laughed, letting her boy in.

“What’s wrong honny?”

“Well...”

After having talked to her for hours, Sirius finally felt a little lighter. Sirius had felt weird but he whole situation and didn’t really know what to do.

“So Peter is the secret keeper?”

Sirius nodded.

“Merlin I made a mistake didn’t I.”

Sirius talked silently, his head in his hands, shaking furiously.

Euphemia pulled him in a hug.

“You did nothing wrong, and it’s gonna be alright.”

Sirius nodded.

Two weeks later everything went wrong.

Sirius had sent Remus to Euphemia after having heard nothing of Peter.

He was going behind him, making sure everything went alright.

Sirius arrived at Godrics Hollow, his stomach hurting from the nerves and his wand ready. As he walked around the corner he began to run, seeing the house of James and Lily.

He only began to slow down when he saw no lights shining. The house wasn’t a house anymore. Only ruins were left.

Sirius began to feel hopeless.

“N-no! JAMES!”

He ran towards the house, not bothering to look around for anyone watching.

“JAAAMES!!! LILYYYY!!!”

He ran inside as the first thing he saw was his best mate lying on the stairs, motionless.

“N-no... No please no- James.”

Tears streamed down Sirius’ face as he felt his stomach drop.

He fell over his best friend hugging his bother close.

He only realised he still had to be strong when he heard a soft sound coming from upstairs.

“L-LILY?!”

Sirius ran upstairs, a second heartbreaking sight crashing over him.

Lily lying in the ground.

“Fuck-“

Another wave of tears hit him as Sirius realised the two most important people were dead.

Sirius heard a cry. Harry.

Harry was still sitting in his little bed.

Sirius took him out as fast as he could. Hugging Harry as close as he could.

“S-shhhh, it’ll b-be alright P-prongslet.”

He heard a loud sound as Sirius drew his wand. Tears still streaming over his face, holding Harry tightly with his other arm, protecting him at all cost.

It only took a few seconds when Sirius saw Hagrid. The giant had a sad look on his face as he looked at Sirius, who began shaking his head, crying harder, stepping back.

“N-no no no, please no, not Harry.”

Hagrid looked at Sirius with sad eyes.

“I’m sorry, Dumbledore’s order. Said I should get baby Harry to take him to his aunt ‘n uncle.”

Sirius shaked his head, disbelief showing in his eyes.

“No but, but he’s everything I have- please...”

Hagrid stepped closer as he pointed his umbrella at Sirius.

“I don’t wanna do this.”

Sirius kept Harry close to his chest. Thinking about Remus and Euphemia.

He gave Harry a small kiss to his head.

“T-take care of him.”

Hagrid took Harry as he walked away.

Sirius stood there, a numb feeling in his chest, breathing heavily, tears still streaming down his face. Hagrid had taken his motorbike.

Sirius slowly walked out of the house, seeing dementors everywhere. His eyes grew as he started running, the dementors on his heels.

Sirius heard someone scream, “THERE HE IS! ITS BLACK!”

Lights fired beside him as Sirius casted a protection charm.

After what felt like hours of fighting Sirius proceeded to arrive at Euphemia’s, hoping she and Remus weren’t also dead.

“EUPHEMIA! OPEN THE DOOR PLEASEE...”

Sirius fell against the door. Just when he thought he wouldn’t take it anymore, the door opened.

Euphemia opened it, her eyes full of concern.

“Oh sweathear-“

“They’re dead... Pettigrew killed them and they’re after m-me. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING... Please...”

Remus walked up behind the two of them as Euphemia was holding Sirius close.

A group of people of the minestry came running towards them, they heard them scream in the distance.

“WHAT DO I DO.”

Sirius was screaming hopeless, everything falling apart and not knowing what to do.

“Keep him safe, p-please keep Remus safe, and make sure y-you’ll get to take care of Harry, he’s alive, t-they’re taking him to Petunia and Vernon. I love you and thank you for everything.”

“No Sirius-“

The people of the minestry got close, Sirius felt a hand grab his clothes.

He screamed, seeing Remus run into the house.

He felt a hand hit him as Sirius hit and knocked everything he could hit.

Screaming and crying.

“Let him go he didn’t do anything!”

Euphemia was screaming against the people, trying to get her son back.

“MOMM! I DIDNT DO ANYTHING PLEASE MOM HELP ME!”

Sirius stopped fighting back as saw even his Euphemia looked hopeless.

She stepped forward slamming the door behind her so Remus was safe.

“GIVE HIM A TRIAL! HES THE ONLY THING IVE GOT LEFT AND YOU WONT TAKE MY OTHER SON FROM ME! I WONT ADMIT BOTH OF MY SONS LEAVING IN ONE NIGHT, BESIDES, HES INNOCENT.”

The people of the minestry of magic stopped hurting Sirius as they loosened the grip, not letting go yet.

After what felt like hours Sirius was sitting in the middle of a large room. People of the hearing looking at him. He felt so small.

His body was hurting and he felt the bruise they aurors hit grow.

The Veritaserum he has gotten at the beginning of the hearing started to impact him and he felt like something was taking over what he was saying.

The minister was about to talk when he cought Euphemia’s eye, his mom smiled at him. Sirius have her a faint smile back.

“Tonight we gather around for the trial of Sirius Orion Black. Mister Black,” Sirius flinched as he heard the name. He hadn’t been called so since he was 16.

“Is it true that you were James and Lily Potters secret keeper?”

“Partly.”

“Partly?” The minister looked confused and mad.

“I was in the beginning, but we changed the secret keeper.”

“Ehhhjj- Okay who is the secret keeper now then mister Black?”

Again Sirius flinched.

“Peter Pettigrew.”

The whole hall was looking at Sirius.

After a short silence the minister spoke again.

“And we’re is, Peter Pettigrew?”

“I- I don’t know.”

“We found the finger of Pettigrew. It was the only thing left from him, you blew him up.”

“No, Pettigrew is an animagus, he transformed into a rat and ran away.”

“Why would Pettigrew be an animagus?”

“Be.... Because our friend Remus Lupin is a werewolf and because Pettigrew James Potter and I became animagus for him... It’s easier for animals to be with werewolfs...”

Sirius looked down, knowing Remus would be so mad... He looked at Euphemia, she gave him a comforting smile.

“Find Peter Pettigrew!”

Euphemia took Sirius home, his case had been dismissed, they were going to keep an eye on him untill they found Pettigrew but he was allowed to go home.

Sirius was crying softly, cuddled up by his mom in her car. Not able to wait to go home. To see Remus. He was exhausted.

Euphemia opened the door as Sirius ran inside.

Remus stood up instantly, running toward Sirius.

Sirius threw himself on Remus, tears and limbs everywhere. Remus let out a harsh laugh, keeping Sirius close as he cried as well.

Sunlight was slowly rising trough the windows. A new day had started.

Euphemia looked at Sirius, smiling softly as she wiped away a tear.

Her boy would be okay.

[a-warm-whisper]

I've been researching PPD because of my mom and im finding it so hard to do the things they are telling me. Don't fight them, accept their feelings, don't tell them they're wrong, listen to why they are upset. Im trying, im trying, im trying. A lot of the info says there is not much you can do until they seek help, but she has always refused. Lately she has been saying "well im better now" and its actually getting so much worse! She blames the last time she had an episode on her going through menopause but I don't think that was purely the case. Her last episode lasted years and this time is almost worse.

The last time she thought that my dad (who she has been divorced from since I was 5) was watching her and listening to her all the time. She used to cover the tvs in sheets so they couldn't record her, thought there was a listening device in the car so we could never talk about anything remotely serious without her "shhhhhushing" me, unless we were outside then we could whisper. She would tell me my friends weren't actually friends, our family didn't care about us, and EVERYONE we ran into she would think somehow knew my dad and was relaying information back to him somehow. She'd get FURIOUS, SCREAM AND THREATEN ME if I accidently let something slip to a random stranger that she didnt want my dad finding out. It got so bad she started shopping two towns over so no one would know her and that worked for a while until she started thinking that even those people knew my dad. She couldn't keep any friends because eventually they would either think she's nuts or she would misinterpret something they said into something awful and explode on the person about it eventually causing them to never want to talk to her again. And she'd never apologize even after I could convince her she had been wrong. She REFUSES to ever admit she's wrong with anything, not just related to her theories. I remember how she would wake me up in the middle of the night threatening to take me to jail or a boarding school if she found out i was telling my dad bad things about her. She tried so hard to convince me that my dad was some horrible creature that tormented her practically to death and it made me feel weird. I never believed her. Eventuslly she stopped saying anything about it and it seemed like she got better, but I wonder if she possibly still thinks he is out to destroy her?

This time is a little different. A little more controlled but its getting worse and worse. Now she is in love with the man on the radio....this one guy, who does the town news and talk show every morning except Sunday. Shes never fucking met him. Never once. Not even out and about (its a very small town i live in) and yet, she's MADLY in love with this man, who she knows nothing about. She thinks he knows who she is though. She did talk to him once on the phone. She called the station and asked him something about gardening to which he told her the answer and that was that, but now she thinks they have some secret thing going and that she loves him. But she also hates everyone else at the radio station because she believes they don't like her and believe she is somehow "using him" for money. So EVERY SINGLE SONG OR COMMENT OR WORD OF THE DAY OR ANYTHING SAID is directed at her. She is constantly telling me "oh Mike played this one song for me, he keeps playing songs about lost love" or if someone else plays a song that is about sadness or something its directed at her. Its hard to explain so here are some texts:

"You are probably asleep but I can't sleep because of the learn a word that Mike had this morning. It was reputation. Then Helen song was Man Eater. I am not a man eater all my husbands married me for MY money!!!! 2 husbands hit or strangled me or both! I kept the houses spotless. Did their laundry etc and now I have a REPUTATION!!!!!!!! I didn't have the men I dated but because I wouldn't & told them NO they spread awful stuff about me! Never done drugs do to my profession. My nursing came first always!!! Was always a hard worker. Some nights I never sat down! BUT I HAVE THE BAD REPUTATION!!!!!!! The thing these people have not even met me. Until you know someone you should not judge them!!!!!!! Haven't dated for 22 years because I was waiting on someone that was decent I had a lot in common with & was respected. Oh well I guess there just aren't any like that anymore!!!!!!

Yes I went thru a bad spell but that was because I was going thru the change of life thing. Which I hope yours goes more smoothly than mine did! Now there is medicine for what I went thru. This is how I feel If they treat me nice I treat them nice.

My own relatives will not even talk to me because Jody & Bill have said awful stuff about me! If they were in TBE same situation( no car) I would tell them to go ahead & cut down some trees and get a vehicle but they thing I'm a user. When Bill was without a job he borrowed thousands of dollars from his mom. Things are just not true what people are saying about me!!!!!!!"

These are from last night, she sends me things like this a couple times a week now. And she deletes them immediately after sending them because she doesn't understand that the whole world can't read our texts. I have no idea how to handle it. Everything she thinks is wrong. So wrong and I can't force her to see the truth.

I'm lost. And it just gets worse and she puts it all on me and expects me to figure everything out for her. She keeps asking me questions of what I really think, so I tell her what I think and she gets upset, screams and cries about how horrible I am for not believing her and then thats that. Im so lost. Its too much and I have no idea how to handle it. I wish I could ask a doctor how to help her more but I don't know how to do that. Im just tired tired tired. She keeps draining me.

Now she has had to go to the doctor a lot recently too because they found cancer in her stool sample and she isnhaving a hard time with this and I feel bad for her I truly do but I also don't know how to help her because she keeps not believing the doctors are telling her the truth. She keeps misinterpreting the nurses body language and thinks they are out to actually kill her EVEN THO THEY DONT KNOW HER. and I have to say, if I was a nurse I'd hate my mom too. She used to be a nurse, when I was young that was her job, but she quit after thinking people were trying to get her fired and she never worked as one again. BUT NOW, when she does go to the doctor she just HAS to make sure that EVERYONE KNOWS that she used to be a nurse so don't try to pull one over on her. She probably passes them off so badly because she walks in the place with an attitude because she thinks she was the best nurse ever to exist ever. So she has to tell everyone "did you know im a nurse, just retired" (which is a lie) and then when they don't acknowledge her she gets furious and thinks they are out to get her. She doesn't believe the things they say are wrong or not wrong with her, because she knows better.

I'm just, exhausted. And my boyfriend doesn't understand the depth of the situation. He just thinks I should stop talking to her but SHES ALL ALONE. she has no friends, no family, just me. She's ran everyone else away. She doesn't even have her own vehicle right now so I'm her only source to the outside world. How would she even get groceries if I didn't talk to her? But she is so demanding and draining and utterly depresses me to no end.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just needed to dump all this somewhere.

[harlot-of-oblivion]

A Rose of Unconscious Beauty (Part 6)

All work and no play make Dante a dull devil, but when he finds out about his brother's flowery friend he sees an opportunity to cure his boredom. Well, that and his curiosity about what kind of woman catches Vergil's attention. So, he decides to spontaneously visit your garden to see what all the buzz is about.

Hope you enjoy these two finally meeting! And gardening puns...just all the gardening puns. 😆❤

Here’s the link to the list of all the flowers featured in this part. 🌹🥰🌹

Chapter 1: Meeting Dante

Life has been pretty good for Dante since he got back from his little foray into hell. He may still be in quite a bit of debt, but that never stops him from living life to the fullest. For the first time in a long time he does not feel so alone in the Devil May Cry shop. There is just one problem that plagues him now as he leans back in his chair, feet propped up on the edge of his desk as a huge overdrawn yawn escapes his mouth…

He is bored.

Very, very…BORED.

The occasional odd job usually keeps him entertained, but business has been slow recently. There is only so much games of pool and swimsuit magazines before Dante is positively itching to fight something…anything. Nero has taken advantage of this dry spell and is finally getting hitched to Kyrie. Even Vergil, who he annoys into fighting sometimes just for sheer fact that it relieves his boredom for a while, has taken to disappearing from time to time.

Oh yeaaaaah. The mysterious flowery friend.

Dante ponders the potential of that whole situation giving him something to do besides sitting alone in his shop. He did not think it strange when Vergil started to go out more…in fact, he is proud that his brother is finally embracing his humanity and making this world his home. But when his cranky brother came back to the shop with pretty little blue flowers wrapped around his beloved Yamato…well, now that just piqued his curiosity. He tries to goad Vergil into telling him where he got the flowers or where he has been disappearing off to lately, but that conversation usually ends with him being stabbed a lot. Dante got his answer one day when Nero asks if he knew this florist that his old man just recommended to him. It all just suddenly clicked. The constant visits, the soft cloud nine smiles, just the overall secrecy…

Vergil…has a crush.

Just the idea of his brother being head over heels for someone has Dante shaking his head in wonder. Vergil has already left the shop, probably visiting his florist friend if Dante had to guess. It happens to be the day that Nero and Kyrie are supposed to meet their savior of flowers. He wanted to tag along to see what all the hype is about, but Nero absolutely refused to let him. Usually, that is not enough to deter Dante, but then his nephew just had to sick Kyrie on him. And how could anyone say no to her? So, here he sits…extremely bored and very curious.

I have to know if it’s true…if my dumbass brother really is lovestruck…

A sudden idea pops into Dante’s head as he takes out his cellphone and begins to text:

Dante: Hey! Gonna see your old mans flower girl today, amiright?

Nero: NO. Forget it.

Nero: Im not spying 4 u

Dante: NO ONE said ANYTHING about spying!

Dante: Just a couple of pics!

Nero: NO U CREEP

Dante: OH C’MON!!!

Dante taps on his screen vigorously as he provokes his stubborn nephew to reply, but after a few minutes of continued silence he gives up. He rolls his eyes as he groans in mild irritation and drops his phone onto the desk. His nimble fingers stroke his scruffy chin in thought, wondering if there will ever be an end to this torturous boredom…then it hits him faster than the Devil May Cry van. Nico! Dante snaps his fingers and nods his head in approval at his own ingenious idea. He snatches his phone back up and begins to text again:

Dante: Heyyyyyyy

Nico: Wat

Dante: Wanna help a friend out?

Nico: Lemme guess

Nico: U want me to spy for ya, right?

Dante: A couple of pics is NOT spying

Nico: Yeah yeah whatever

There is a long pause and Dante almost thinks his last-ditch effort is a bust. Until…

Nico: Mayyyyybe I’ll do it

Nico: Wats in it for me tho?

Dante only has to think about her prize for second before replying.

Dante: I’ll let you check out my guns

Nico: Ive already seen my fair share of muscles

Dante: Im talking about Ebony and Ivory

Nico: U GOTTA FUCKIN DEAL

Dante clenches his fist in victory. Nico tells him to hold tight while she finds a good hiding spot and the perfect angle. So, he grabs the nearest swimsuit magazine to read while he waits for Nico’s sneaky photos.

He only has to read a couple of pages of articles and check out a few curvy ladies before his phone vibrates. “Well now…let’s see what we've got,” he announces aloud as his hand instantly picks up his phone and eagerly opens up the message. Here she is! is written below two pictures of a bubbly woman with a bright smile and lively eyes. In one photo she is sitting down at a garden table, and in the other she is standing by a bed of flowers. She is wearing white summer dress and has a white flower in her hair. Dante chuckles in glee because now he understands why his brother has fallen so hard: the local florist is a total babe!

Dante is about to get back to his magazine when another text from Nico comes through:

Nico: Yoooooooooo

Nico: U didnt tell me that Vergil was gonna be here!

Dante: Im not my brother’s keeper!

Nico: Im NOT about to get stabbed if he catches me

Nico: Im out

Dante: WAIT

Dante: I’ll sweeten the deal!

Dante: If you get a pic of them together

Nico: DANTE

Dante: Then I’ll let you check out my guns

Dante: FOR A WEEK

A very long pause follows and Dante thinks that Nico is still going chicken out despite his sudden add on to her prize when her response chimes in:

Nico: U better hold up your end of the deal, Dante

Dante: Nicooooo u know I always keep my word!

Nico: Cuz if u dont, I’ll run u over with the van

Dante: No u wont

Nico: VROOM VROOM BITCH

Dante’s amused chuckle echoes throughout the shop. “So, that’s where you’re running off to,” he comments to himself. “The secret garden.” As he waits for Nico’s next photo, he starts to wonder what kind of a woman catches the eye of his broody brother. I mean…sure, you’re a cutie, but Dante knows that Vergil is not so easily swayed by looks alone. Of course, he could be reading into this too much and you’re actually just a really adorable friend…which is why he has to see both of you together. If Vergil has that soft smile on his face and if you show any sign of reciprocating his brother’s feelings…

His phone vibrates and Dante immediately opens the message. How's this for ya? reads Nico’s text along with a bunch of laughing emojis and a video clip. He arches an eyebrow as he presses play. He sees Nero, Kyrie, Vergil, and you all walking together by a bunch of flowers. He cannot make out the soft conversation of the group, but he does hear a lighthearted giggle as you do a twirl. Dante squints his eyes when he notices your hand reach for something in your dress…then his eyes widen as you throw petals into the air. The distinct growl of his brother comes through the audio and Dante nearly chokes on his own laugh. Some of the little pink flowers you threw…are sticking to Vergil’s hair!

I’m totally saving this just for the look on his face!

Dante kicks his feet off of the desk and he leans forward in his chair, never taking his eyes off the screen as Nero and Kyrie step out of frame. He tilts his head when Vergil kneels and you start to pluck the flowers from his hair. Dante has to rub his eyes to make sure he is really seeing these events correctly. Things get really interesting when you move in closer. The awkward expression on his brother’s face is pure gold. But what really has him pressing his nose to the screen is when Vergil stands up and you both just stare at each other. It is like a scene cut straight from a romantic movie. Dante has never seen his brother look so…totally in love. And you are mirroring the exact same expression.

Jackpot!

The video starts to shake and he hears Nico quietly cursing up a storm. The screen is a blur for a moment before it just totally cuts off. Dante is still for a while as he takes in everything that just happened. He honestly did not expect Vergil to be bitten by the love bug. A genuine smile curls on his lips as he thinks that maybe you are exactly what his brother needs to finally let go of the past and start living. But he cannot be the helpful little brother that he is without at least meeting you first. The genuine smile turns mischievous as Dante texts Nico about happened after the video ended and where exactly is this secret garden in the city...

(A Week Later...Reader’s POV)

The late afternoon sun beats down as you wipe the sweat from your brow. You examine the rambling roses you are currently pruning, checking to see if you missed anything before standing up and stretching your legs. Sweet basil, it’s hot, you thought, taking off your gardening hat and fanning your face as you pocket your pruning shears. You think about Vergil and how he always seems to keep cool while wearing a long blue coat in the summer.

The power of Sparda must also include internal air conditioning. You giggle at your own quip as you put the gardening hat back on your head and decide to take a break. As you walk through the multitude of flowers you search for any sign of the Son of Sparda among the flora. He has not called to inform you that he is stopping by today, but that does not necessarily mean he will not show up unannounced…annoyingly startling you before buttering you up with an offering of beautiful blooms.

Vergil has been regularly visiting you in your garden now. Sometimes both of you read and drink tea under the fruit trees, other times you have to work and just let him read in peace while frolicking about your garden. Every now and then he insists on looming close behind you, claiming that he wants to observe how you arrange bouquets and care for the flowers. There are a few times that you somehow rope him into helping since he is so inclined to learn and you must admit…seeing a tall and imposing man handle tiny flowers carefully is so endearing, making you fall even harder for the handsome devil.

You step through the backdoor and walk into your kitchen, heading straight for the fridge and swiftly open the door. When the cold air hits your face you sigh and just stand there for a moment to cool off as you reach for a bottle of water. You close the fridge and head to your office to check the status of a shipment on your computer while you guzzle down half of the bottle. The flowers for Nero and Kyrie’s wedding are well in supply, but you ordered some extra ribbon, wires, needles, and other miscellaneous supplies. It is a little stressful that you only have so much time to pull this off, but that only pushes you to do your utmost best to give them the best flowers they have ever seen. All seems to be order, you mentally note, finishing off your water bottle as you tab out of the website.

Time to get back to work! You go back out to the garden, grab the garden hose, and turn on the outdoor faucet. You adjust the nozzle on the hose to spray into a mist and set off to water some flowers. “Alright, my darlings!” you say cheerfully as you step up to the first section of flowers. “Who’s thirsty?” You happily spray their petals with glistening droplets as you hum softly. One of the many reasons why you enjoy gardening so much is just how tranquil it can be, your mind slipping into a peaceful state as all your worries just drift away and you feel like a flower basking in the warm sunlight.

Although, you do find yourself ceaselessly daydreaming about a certain white-haired gentleman while gardening lately. You cannot get the feel of his slicked back locks out of your thoughts, yearning to do more than just pluck petals from his hair. You wonder if the bergamot scent is from a cologne he is wearing or the constant cups of his favorite tea. And the expression on his face after you picked the stray petals from his hair…cheeks slightly blushing as his gleaming silver eyes stare straight into your soul. The very memory of it has you shivering in delight as you turn around to water the next section of flowers.

“Holy hollyhock!”

The sudden appearance of a man in a long red jacket standing in your garden has you jumping back in surprise. Your foot steps on the garden hose, making you lose your balance and start to tip over. Thankfully, the stranger has quick reflexes and quickly leans forward to catch your fall. “Whoa! Easy there!” he exclaims as he sets you upright, doing his best to avoid the misty spray of the hose still clutched in your hand. That is when you notice his distinct white hair swaying in front of his blue eyes. And his face…if it was not for the slight fuzz of a beard or the care-free expression, he would be the spitting image of Vergil. Which can only mean…

“You must be Dante.”

“What gave it away?” he asks, dramatically holding his hands out to the side as he nods his head in confirmation.

“You wouldn’t be a Son of Sparda if you didn’t scare your local gardener to death!”

Dante tilts head at your answer and smirks as he examines you from head to toe. “I dig the overalls,” he comments as he gestures to your attire. You look down at your green gardening overalls, the phrase "I like big buds and I cannot lie" imprinted on the front surrounded by large colorful flower buds.

“Thanks!” you laugh, turning off the garden hose. “I’m Y/N! I don’t recall Vergil saying that he was going to finally introduce me to you.”

“So, he’s told you about me? Did he mention that I am the better-looking twin?” he jests as he takes a step back and strikes a charmingly rugged pose.

“Uh, he mentioned that you are a demon hunter, a foolish buffoon, and…whoa!” Your eyebrows shoot up as you closely examine his coat. “Your jacket does look really expensive!”

Dante rolls his eyes as he relaxes from his over-the-top stance. “He just can’t let that go, huh?” He shakes his head and lightly chuckles.

“So…what brings you to my garden?” you inquire kindly, not letting his surprise visit distract you from being hospitable. Dante did not mention his brother being present here with him, so you hope that Vergil does not mind you being friendly and helping his brother out if he needs it.

“The girls keep telling me I need something to brighten up the shop,” he explains as he scratches the back of his head. “So, I figured some flowers from my brother’s friendly neighbor florist might do the trick.”

You smile sweetly. “Okay! Do you have any kind of flowers in mind?”

“Well, my mother’s favorite flowers were-”

“Burgundy roses!”

Dante quirks an eyebrow. “Did you just read my mind?”

A giggle escapes your lips as you shake your head. “Vergil told me that his mother had a modest garden herself, and that she grew those roses a lot. Don’t worry,” you affirm as your hand sets down the garden hose. A big confident smile spreads across your face as you twirl in excitement, pausing to strike your own cute pose. “I got you covered!”

He nods his head in approval. “Right on.”

You make small talk with Dante as you lead him to the rose section of your garden, asking if by “the girls” he means the other two demon hunters that work with him. He confirms your guess and grumbles about how unfair it is that you know so much the crew while he knows next to nothing about you. That is quickly remedied though as he bombards you with the oddest series of questions…most of them involving strawberries and pizza. When you tell him that you used to work at the local pizzeria and bakery in your home town he enthusiastically asks if you made the pizzas. You laugh at his boyish glee and inform him that you sometimes helped with the pizzas, but you mostly baked the pastries and desserts.

“Here we are!” You point to a bush full of the dark reddish-purple roses as you step through the various buds and blooms. “Roses of unconscious beauty!” Dante studies the rose bush as you approach it, lean in, and inhale their lovely fragrance. You breathe out in delight and start looking for the best blooms for a bouquet. “Aren’t they lovely?” You look over your shoulder and see that Dante is barely paying attention. His blue green eyes gaze distantly at the rose bush, reminding you a little of Vergil’s silver blue eyes when he recedes into his head. You wait a moment before deciding to coax him out of pensive stupor.

“Flower for your thoughts?”

Dante blinks and shakes his head. “Sorry about that. I was just…remembering something.” He walks over and stands next you, a small grin appears on his face as he peers down at you. “These would look nice on my desk. I’ll take ‘em.”

“Alright!” You reach into your pocket, taking out the pruning shears still stored in there and begin snipping some select roses, carefully removing the thorns before sticking them in another pocket until you can properly tie them together.

Dante quietly watches you for a few moments before he crosses his arms and leisurely leans back. “So…you and my brother.”

You snip a third rose as you glance over at him. “Me and your brother…?” you repeat, hoping he will expand upon the conversation he started. Dante just continues to gaze at you inquisitively. Your brow furrows in puzzlement as you wonder what he is trying to imply…until it suddenly hits you.

No way. He can’t be…

“Are you…Dad-terogating me?”

“Am I what now?”

“You know…that thing fathers do when daughters bring home their boyfriends.” Your voice drops as you do your best impersonation a stern father figure. “What are your intentions little girl?”

“Oh man,” Dante snickers. “And what if I am?” he counters with a puckish smirk.

“Well, Mr. Sparda,” you begin with a cheeky grin, turning to him while you clutch a thornless burgundy rose close to your chest. “I only have the best intentions towards your brother, Vergil. They include smiles, laughter, and a healthy dose of poetry with dash of tea…Oh!” You dip your hand into the front pocket of your overalls. “And lots of flower showers!” Your grin turns cheerful as you toss pink hydrangea petals high into the air.

Dante stares at you closely for a moment, totally unfazed by the petals scattering around him before he chuckles softly. “Well now…how can I argue with that? My party pooper of a brother needs it.”

You giggle and go back to snipping more roses. A fourth one is freed and you begin to remove the thorns from the stem. “It’s sweet of you to look out for him, you know,” you point out with a genuine smile. “You’re a good brother, Dante.”

He smiles back and is about to respond when an awful hellish screech fills the air. Your head snaps over to the direction it is coming from, but you already know what those sounds mean. Dante casually looks over as well, but he does not look as concerned as you. His face reminds you more of the neighborhood kids when the ice cream truck drives by. “Looks like our flower pickin’ is gonna have to wait,” he surmises as he struts briskly towards the commotion.

You pocket the pruning shears and the rose in your hand as you hurriedly follow behind him. The screeching is now really loud and as you step into to a clearing you see the familiar forms of demons just beyond the gates of your garden. Even though you live in a city known for its constant hellish attacks, the sight of their malformed bodies never fails to freeze your blood. The closest one, resembling a large corrupted bat, flies over the gate and hovers near one of your apple trees. It shrieks as its throat starts to glow red. Anger floods through your body when you register what it intends to do to your lovely fruit trees.

“Oh, no you DON’T!” you shout as you run by the gardening tools still laying out, grabbing the garden hoe as you pass by and rush towards the bat-like creature. It swivels around just as you draw your makeshift weapon back and swing up at it with all your strength. The hoe connects and a pained squeal rings out as the demon is knocked back a little bit away from the apple tree. You let out a shuddering breath, quickly realizing that perhaps smacking a demon with a gardening tool was not the best idea.

Multiple gunshots startle you out of your internal dread as they streak up at the bat-like demon. It shakes violently before it drops to the ground and disintegrates. You turn around and see Dante holstering two guns behind his back before giving you a round of applause. “Not bad! Very inventive use of…” his hands pause as he inspects your tool curiously.

“It’s a hoe,” you bluntly inform him.

“Really?” Dante puts his hands on his hips as he circles around you, shielding you from the oncoming demons notice. “Well then…you really know how to handle a hoe!”

You snort and check your tool for any signs of it being broken or bent. “You know what they say…a dirty hoe is a happy hoe!” you joke, flashing him the disgusting bloody residue on the tip. Dante hunches over as a hearty laugh burst from his lips. You feel a sense of accomplishment at making such a clever gardening pun, but it is short lived as a series of terrible growls and roars remind you of the current danger. “Umm,” you mutter softly, “as much as I would like to give more demons a good hoeing…”

Dante reigns in his boisterous laughter and nods. “Yeah...get yourself to safety.” He runs and skillfully jumps over the gate. Before he goes to deal with the demons, he looks over his shoulder at you. “Even though I’m not a hoe I can still get rid of these nasty weeds,” he quips with a wink.

You laugh and shake your head at his own gardening pun before retreating back to your house, sighing in relief as your backdoor comes into view. When you are a few feet away from safety, a low rumbling growl reaches your ears, making you stop in your tracks. You still have your garden hoe, so you hold it up in defense as you scan your surroundings for any immediate threat. It is quiet for a moment…then a series obscure red streaks zoom around you. Your eyes try to track whatever is circling you, but you cannot see what is stalking you like prey.

Your body is quaking now as you turn around to glance behind you. A lizard-like demon with a vicious red blade protruding from one of its scaly arms is leaping through the air straight at you. Your instincts kick in and you raise your gardening tool up in defense, even though you feel certain that it will not enough to block that sharp blade. A series of tumultuous emotions sling around your mind, but one strongly overtakes you as the image of Vergil pops into your head…regret.

I didn’t even get to tell him that-

Before you are able to close your eyes and brace yourself for the deadly impact, a sudden blur of blue spheres pop up and knock back your scaly assailant. A familiar form clad in a blue coat suddenly appears next to the demon and proceeds to hit it with a series of slashes. When he finishes his ruthless onslaught, he turns his back on the demon and dramatically sheaths his sword. Just as the hilt of the sword slams into the case, the demon convulses in pain one last time before collapsing on the ground.

The regret you felt earlier fades away as your devilish rescuer turns towards you. The usual scowl on his face is now even more severe as he scrutinizes your appearance. He may be fuming with rage, but you do not mind, nor do you care. “Vergil!” you cry, trying to thank him for saving your life, but you feel so overwhelmed that no words come out. All you can do is smile gratefully as your eyes well up with tears, so happy that you get to see the man you feel so deeply for again after all.

Read Part 6 (Ch. 2) here

Read on my Ao3

My Master List if you want more ❤

Tagging: @drusoona, @thedyingmoon, @bettybattaglia, @veenus-ow, @meowykittenn, @fandomhell97, @vergilsangel, @venomous-lawyer, @alicewinchester

[ghost-nabbers-imagines]

Larry x florist reader

I turned our closed sign over to where the Open side was facing the street. The sunshine felt warm and happy as it shone down on me bringing our store sign out front. I wasnt sure if it was the warm sun, the fresh air, or being surrounded by flowers but today felt like a good day. Afterall I did get to spend my Friday caring to beautiful flowers at Miss. Nancy's Flower Shop. I had started working here at the age of 16 and just stuck with it, so when Miss. Nancy retired she left me as head florist.

It had just turned ten and the shop was fully ready for customers, and the flowers had been tended to. Once I got the radio flipped on I took a seat at the register and opened up my book. A few older ladies came in to buy some flowers but that was it so far. By the time three fifteen had rolled around I was so lost in a particularly interesting part of my book that I had completely missed the bell ringing as a customer entered the store.

"Uh hello?" A deep almost stone sounding voice asked making me jump from shock. I looked up to see a tall muscular man with long brown hair, big brown eyes, a longer nose, and dressed in a torn up SF tank top with ripped skinny jeans on. I recognized the man for two reasons, one of which was because he lived in my building I think just a floor above mine, and the second being he was in a local band that had gotten pretty popular. "Sorry for scaring you dude but I need help picking out some flowers." He chuckled smirking at me. I blushed standing up and brushing down the apron I wore over my clothes. "Of course sorry about that." I said with a smile. "Its no problem my friend Todd is the same way if he's reading a good book." He shrugged. The two of walked over to where the flowers were kept.

"So what kind of flowers are we looking for?" I asked while adjusting the pot of a sunflower. "Well I'm visiting my mom tonight and she's been a bit under the weather. What flowers are good for like a get well soon kinda thing?" He asked observing the large floral collection. "Gerbera daisies are perfect for a get well soon bouquet. You have the option of normal white dasies which is just as lovely or we have several prepared bouquets of multicolored ones. The morning sun bouquet is probably my personal favorite." I informed him grabbing the bouquet I had made that morning.

"Its perfect!" He said his eyes lighting up excitedly. I couldn't help but giggle at his excitement. "This one is fifty dollars but of course we do have other options depending on your budget. I said walking with him back to the register counter. "No these are perfect no amount of money is too much for my mom. She deserves something nice." He said genuinely. "Wow your mom's lucky to have someone so sweet." I beamed carefully wrapping up the flowers in the paper placing them gently in a big case. "Shes the coolest man she makes my friends feel like family, she feeds me all the time when I'm there, and she even supports my crazy rockstar job." He said with an appreciative smile. "This box should keep them safe till you see her tonight just make sure they dont get too smushed or anything." I said handing him the flowers.

He paid for the bouquet and left happily. Although I was happy he found such a nice boquet I was kinda disappointed to see him leave. The next week went by pretty quickly and soon it was another beautiful Saturday afternoon and I had done all my shopping for the day. When i returned to my apartment there was a bouquet of flowers in front of my door. Setting down my bags I picked up the package admiring it.

I recognized the boquet from the shop, it was the lavendar garden boquet that had white Roses, lavender daisy poms, Peruvian lilies, and lavender carnations. Smiling I looked around the hallway seeing no sign of who would have left me such a thoughtful gift. I picked up the card seeing there was a handwritten message.

Dear (y/n), sorry you probably recognize the flowers but I wanted to get you a beautiful gift and your shop has the best in state. I know this probably seems random but I see you in the lobby and in the halls all the time and your beauty has completely captured me. To quote some chick named Claudia Adrienne Grandi “If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.” sincerely, your secret admirer.

I smiled my face warming with a blush. Who could possibly think such sweet thoughts of me? Picking up the rest of my stuff I entered the apartment putting the beautiful flowers in a vase of water. I couldn't help but keep returning my stare to them. Picking up the card I reread the message again and again smiling like a fool the while time. The handwriting had a sense of familiarity to it but I couldn't place who. The way it was written almost reminded me of Larry and the way he spoke but it was impossible that a man who travelled the world with more female groupies than the Beatles had would ever want a florist from his hometown.

That next Wednesday I was sitting at the register tapping my pen against the counter. It had been a pretty slow day and my mind kept going back to my secret admirer. That's when a thought popped into my head. The flowers had been purchase here, so if the person used a credit card there information would be on the receipt. Jumping up from my chair I began flipping through our receipts from this month till I found the one for my flowers. Sure enough the person had paid with a card. I read through the receipt my eyed landing on the name Larry Johnson at the bottom.

When I entered my apartment building I was still smiling like crazy and the thought of Larry Johnson having a crush on me. I couldn't help but keep thinking of it all day. I wanted to say something to him but wasnt sure what. I mean he didn't even know that I figured it out yet. After dinner I remembered that I still had to go down and get my mail since thinking about Larry had distracted me. When I got to the lobby I noticed Larry grabbing his own mail. We exchanged smiles as i made my way to my mailbox.

Despite my shaking hands I was able to unlock my mailbox and get out the contents. "(Y/n)?" A voice asked that I knew didnt belong to Larry. I turned to see my ex Derek and his girlfriend Lylah. "Hi Derek." I sighed facing them both. "This is Lylah although I'm sure you remember her from the office parties you went to. We just got back in town from a beauty competition Lylah won." He informed me both of them giving me an obnoxious smile. I listened to them "catching up" with me for an agonizingly long half hour before I escaped to my apartment. Basically he just kept talking about how beautiful Lylah was compared to how I looked. I stared in my mirror poking at every flaw I saw frowning.

I still felt just as bad the next morning opting for a hoodie and some paint stained leggings. Work was tortureously long and slow due to the rain but I made it through and got home. When I made it to my door another boquet was sitting at my doorstep. This time it was a gorgeous sunflower pink rose bouquet. Gently picking it up I grabbed the card.

Dear (Y/n), trying to find bouquets even close to as beautiful as you are is impossible. As beautiful as the bouquets that you make are you are too beautiful for even words or flowers to even compare. This was the most beautiful in the shop so I bought it. I'm sure you're confused but I got them from the other sales associate when you went on break. “A rose can never be a sunflower, and a sunflower can never be a rose. All flowers are beautiful in their own way, and that’s like people too.” never forget you're beautiful. Despite what any asshole might say. Sincerely, your secret admirer.

I felt tears fall down my cheeks reading his kind words. I wanted so badly to run to him and thank him and kiss him I knew I couldn't. He wanted to remain anonymous for a reason. That and I had no idea what apartment he was in.

The next week went by and I was feeling much better emotionally but unfortunately on Friday I woke up feeling extremely ill. I knew it wasnt anything serious just bad (headache/cramps). I suffered through Thursday relying on medicine but on Friday I was in no state to be working. I decided to spend the day in my baggy Sanitys Fall shirt with underwear underneath and no pants. Curled up with a blanket I turned on Netflix and fell asleep on the couch.

About two hours later I woke up parched and hungry. Wrapping the blanket around my shoulders I stumbled into the kitchen pouring some water. There was some shuffling coming from my door telling me someone was on the other side. It had to be Larry with more flowers so I decided to brave and open the door. When I opened the door he looked up at me embarrassed a blush on his face. "Oh (y/n) h-hey. I was just bringing these by um because you're sick and you said daisies were get well soon flowers and and-" he paused letting out a chuckle. "You knew didnt you?" He asked seeing the smile on my face. I nodded happily before speaking up. "Kiss me." I whispered in a hoarse voice. He smiled widely leaning down and pressing a gentle soft kiss to my lips. I kissed back wrapping my arms around him. When we pulled apart he handed me the flowers following me into the house. He made sure he spent the rest of the day taking care of me.

~Lex💛

[pepitapepi]

Love, lie, die

The Royal Romance fanfic

I wrote this between 3rd and 4th chapter while we still don't know who the traitor is. I didn't write such long text in ages, especially in english so I am sorry for all mistakes in text down bellow. It's little long but I hope some you will read it and tell me what you think. :)

Engagement tour is finally over so The Royal Romance crew is headed back to Cordonia. Many secrets have been relieved, many people got hurt but Riley's face is clean now and King Liam is finally able to choose her over Madeleine. So everything is going by the plan, isn't it?

It's winter in Cordonia but this year more colder than usual. It's even snowing so the palace is looking more magical. It's very quiet though, you can only hear steps of people walking towards the palace. Riley is walking with Maxwell and Bertrand who is looking unusually happy. Of course, since Riley's face is clean, Liam will finally choose her to be his wife. Madeleine's crew isn't looking so satisfied. King didn't officialy break the engagement yet, but that was something everyone expected. No one could see any worry on Madeleine's face, like she was at peace with everything going on or maybe she had an ace up her sleeve once again.

The dinner that was supposed to end the engagement tour was the next day. Riley wasn't thrilled that tour was about to end. Even though she was ready start a new life outside of Cordonia, she wasn't ready to break Liam's heart. She will never be ready for it but she decided to tell him the truth. That night or next morning, she didn't know but she wanted to do it before the dinner. Knowing that Liam loves her only made everything harder. She tried to distance herself from him during the tour, never giving him false hope but she felt that everytime she tried to run away from him, he just loved her even more. He was feeling guilty for all she was going through and tried to be her support. And he really was her biggest support, he cleared her name after all but she just could not feel anything for him but friendship and thankfulness. She tried to love him, way before he chose Madeleine but there was one man that stole place she though she could give Liam. Unfortunatelly, that was Liam best friend. Like isn't enough that Riley will break Liam's heart, Drake must do it, too. Riley decided to tell Liam alone, even though Drake insisted he should be with her. She felt like it was the best for everyone that she does it alone. It was only fair that way, that much she owes Liam. After that, she will have to face Bertrand. She thought that it would be easier to tell him after she told Liam. It will be easier for him to accept the situation knowing that Liam is at peace with her decision.

That night Riley heard a knock on her door. She opened them to relieve a man who was carring a small box.

„I believe this is for you, Lady Madeline.“-said the man. Riley was confused.

„But you must be wrong, I am not Lady Made-…“

„Look, I don't have time.“-man didn't even listened to her. „This is the potion you've been looking for, I believe you already know what to do with it but the instructions are at the bottom of the box."

Riley didn't even had time to say anything and the mysterious man was gone. She looked around the hall checking no one could see them and then carefully closed the door. She put the box on the table and opened it. There was little bottle with transparent liquid. There was no label on it. She looked up for instructions man was talking about. She found little papper with handwritten text:“Our future queen, as you requested. Just make sure to give it to King as soon as possible. The expiration date is for two weeks so time is no luxury. Best of luck.“

Riley was shocked. How can Madeleine still be sure that Liam will marry her. Everyone expects Liam to choose Riley… Except Madeleine knows Riley won't accept his proposal. But how? Not just that, she is planning to kill Liam. She wants all the power for herself.This thoughs hit her. She needed to tell somebody what just happened. But whom? She ran out of her room, only to find Madeleine walking down the hall.

„Lady Madeleine.“-she greeted her.

„Lady Riley.“-Madeleined greeted back.

„Its pretty late for a lady to wander around. Are you looking for something?“-Riley said.

Madeleine looked her under the eye while little smile was forming at the edge of her lips:“Says who? Are you looking for somebody?“-she emphasised somebody. Riley was furious inside but didn't want to lose her cool.

„Well, that is possible. Actually, I am going to see Liam.“-Riley lied.

„Liam you say?“-Madeleine laughed. „You don't have to lie to me, Riley. I know everything.“

„Madeleine, I trully don't know what are you talking about. I am really sorry that I will take your place by Liam, but that's just what is going to happen. He loves me.“

„Love, love, love“-Madeleine rolled her eyes-„he does love you, I heard enough about that, but what about you Riley?“

„What about me?“

„Don't act silly in front of me. Maybe I don't know much about love but I know you don't love him.“

„I…That's“-Riley shuttered.

„Never mind Riley, we will know the truth tomorrow. And the truth is that you are going away with Drake.“

Riley just stared at her furiosly. Madeleine was telling the truth and she hadn't any streght to lie.

„See, Lady Riley, that's the difference between you and me. I don't need love to have the crown.“

„You are going to kill him!“-Riley lost it-„I know what are you looking for. And you are not going away with that!“

„What, are you going to tell Liam? Go ahead. Tell him. But you can't prove anything.“

„But there is note that says-„

„That could write anyone, even you, Lady Riley.“-she smiled softly.

„You won't win this time!“ Riley left the hall and came back to her room. She didn't see where Madeleine went. She crashed on a bed and started crying. Why won't fate let her to be happy, just this once? Liam is going to propose her and now she can't say no. She can't left him with Madeleine, she doesn't want Liam to get hurt, or worse, dead. Again, knock on her door. With little strengh whats left in her she opened the door. It was Liam. She let him in. He noticed she wasn't looking happy.

„Everything okay?“-he asked her. She put head on his shoulder and hugged him:“Laim, I'm sorry. For everything.“-tears appeard in her eyes. Liam hugged her back and than lifted her head with his hand. „Hey, everything is fine, Riley. Everything is finally all right.“

They sat on bed, and Liam continued:“I  just wanted to say that to you before everyone else. I mean, Madeleine knows, too, but that is a lot of harder on her.“-he stopped for a second and looked Riley in the eyes:“I can't even imagine the hell you were you going through, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I really am. But I'm glad I met you. Now, when is finally all over, I want to aks you again. Will you be my Queen, Riley?“

„Liam…I“-her heart beated fast.

„No, you don't have to give an answer now. Just think about it. I love you with all my heart, I am ready to spend my life with you. But I understand if this is to much of me to ask, I know how hard it was to you. And I noticed something else.“-he stopped for a moment-„ Sometimes you are miles away from me, Riley,I though it was because of Madeleine, but something tells me theres something more. Maybe I'm not the man for you after all. But if that's how you feel I will accept it.“

„But Madeleine doesn't even care about you, and you…“

Liam gently wiped away tear from Riley's face. „I don't love Madeleine, but don't feel pressure because of that. I have to marry a woman, I'm a king after all. King will be married but Liam loves you.“

„Oh, Liam!“-she gently squeezed his hand. That man don't deserve to die in hands of hearless greedy woman, that man deserves a world. And in that moment she felt guilt she couldn't give him one. She suddenly felt guilt for every stolen kiss with Drake, for her runaway plan with him. Now, she understands why Drake didnt' want to speed things up with her. Liam didn't deserve to be played like this. In that moment she made a decision, Liam didn't propose her to save her life, now she is going to marry him to save his. „Of course, I'll marry you Liam“-she hugged him and kissed his shoulder. „You are the best man I've ever met, I didn't deserve that.“ „Don't you ever said that again, Riley.“-Liam smiled.

It's morning. „Rise and shine, little blossom“-Maxwell woke Riley. „I didn't want to distrurb you yesterday, but have you talked things out with Liam?“

„Oh, Maxwell. You know nothing. I said yes to his proposal.“

„What Riley? But we talked about that, you don't have to marry Liam. I will talk with Bertrand if you can't. We will survive.“

„No, it's not that. Listen, I found out Madeleine's going to kill Liam if she marries him. I have to marry Liam. It's the only way to save him.“

„Why didn't you tell Liam about that?“

„What would that change? Madeleine knows about Drake and me. I am sure she would tell him if I said something.“

„But Drake and you would have to say Liam anyway.“

„Not like that Maxwell. After everything we've been through, Liam deserves to hear that from me, not Madeleine. And Drake didn't deserve that either.“

„Are you sure, Riley?“-he asked as he sat next to her.

„I am.“ They hugged and then Maxwell asked:“Does Drake knows?“

„Ugh, I didn't speak with him. But I have to before the dinner. Do you have any idea where he might be now?“

„I belive I saw him in the garden.“

„Than I better get ready. Wish me luck Maxwell.“

Riley put her coat on and then ran out of her room leaving Maxwell behind. And there he was, Drake was just entering the castle.

„What's the hurry, Bailey?“-Drake asked.

As she was catching breath she answered:“Actually, I was looking for you Drake. Can we talk? Its important.“

„You are scarying me, Bailey.“-he laughed.

They sat outside the castle on a bench far away from people's eyes.

„Are you sure we are safe here?“

„Of course, I spend much time here alone. Not many people are walking here.“

„Good.“-she cupped his face and kissed him.

„Hey, Bailey, just one more day and than we won't have to hide.“

„Drake, oh Drake. About that, I have to tell you something, but please listen 'till end.

„Should I be scared?“-Riley looked him seriously and he nooded his head.

„I am going to marry Liam.“

„What?“-he didn't believe what he just heard. „You must be joking and you know this isnt funny, you know how much-“

„Shh.“-Riley put her thumbs on his lips and put hands on his face.

„I love you, Drake, very very much. But I have to do that.“

„Riley, but I don't understand a word you said.“

Riley explained why was she doing that. Drake sitted still and didn't say a word.

„Drake. Please, say something.“-she held his hand. He didn't move.

„What have I even excpected?“-he nooded with his head-„I though I can finally be happy. What a fool!“

It was ice cold, the weather, between them. (Almost as cold as Madelines heart.)

„Drake, I didn't want…you deserve to be happy.“

„Save it, Bailey. It's for the best. It's all my fault. I shouldn't let this between us happen.“

His words went as straight through her heart as a sword. She couldn't back up her tears. „How can you say something like that? “

„It was nice while it lasted. You made me feel like the happies man alive.“-he smiled-“ I will never forget that, Bailey. But you made a correct decision. Marry Liam, he can give you all the things I wouldn't ever be able to.“

„Drake, it's not about that!“

„I know. At least I will sleep better knowing that you are in safe arms with man who loves you as much as I am providing you stuff you deserve. And I know he is safe with you, away from Madeleine's clutches.  Gosh, you have to see him while he talks about you.“-he smiled as he lowered his head. Then he looked Riley in her eyes, she felt as he was reading her soul. „So, this is indeed the last time we met like this...From now I will never be able to say that I love you, I will be never able to kiss you again, and again.“

He moved hair from her face and Riley kissed him. They were kissing and pulling back and than back to kissing, it was never enough, they werent ready for that last kiss.

„I love you, Drake Walker.“-she whispered.

„Riley, I love you more. And who knows, maybe we'll meet again, in some other life, under different circumstances. Now go before someone sees us.“

„And you?“

„Don't you worry, I'll be fine. Always close enough if you'll ever need me.“

Riley left the garden and came back to her room. There was another surprise waiting for her.

„Lady Madeleine! You scared me! What are you doing here? Please, leave now, I had enough for today.“

„Lady Riley, not so soon. I saw Liam this morning and he was looking unusually happy. He was almost flying.“

„I don't see your point. Are you allergic to happiness?“

„You think you are so funny, dont you. I honestly don't see why are all the guys here over hells for you. Don't act like you don't know. Liam told me yesterday that he was going to talk with you. I can only assume you accepted his proposal.“

„Is there a problem, Madeleine? Like you said, we will know the truth today.“

„That's where you are right. Today we are learning the truth, all our little dirty secrets.“

„Oh, you wouldn't dare!“

„No, I didn't have to do anything. Liam heard all.“

„I am sick and tired of all your stupid games. Get out Madeleine!“

„Not so fast, I believe you want to hear this. Liam saw you and Drake this morning.“

„What? How? We were in the garden…“

„Walls have ears, Lady Railey. I have my own ways. After I saw Liam so happy I asked him for a walk in the garden. And there you were, all over each other. Then poor  Liam wanted some time for himself. I wanted you to now that before the dinner.“

„You are witch.“

„Thank you. If you want to discuss things with Liam, he is in his room. He actually got a gift from you this morning.“

„What have you done this time?“-Riley gave one last meaningful look to Madeline and started running to Liams room. Her heart beated fast,blood rushing to her face. She bumped in his room.

„Liam. I…“

„Riley, what a nice surprise you got me this morning.“

„I'm so sorry you had to find out that way.“

„I am actually talking about this champagne.“-he grabbed a glass and take a sip.

„No,don't drink that Liam. I didn't sent you that.“-she ran to him to stop him for drinking. „How much did you drink?“

„About glass and a half. I though that was from you, it says „from Lady Riley“ and it was really observant from you especially after what I saw this morning.“-Liam suddenly grabbed his head and felt dizzy.

„We need to call a doctor Liam. I believe there is poison it that.“

„What are talking about, Riley?“

„I would really like to tell you everything.“

„Yeah, that would be nice.“

„But now we don't really have time. You don't have much time. Let's get to your bed. Then I am going for a doctor.“

„There's no need. You have a phone over there.“-he showed her phone by his bed. He again grabbed his head. „What is happening, Riley?“

Riley finished her call:“Royal doctor should be here any minute.“

„Good.“-Liam closed his eyes in pain. „Now, what is really happening Riley?“

„No, Liam. I won't burden you with that now. Just relax. Doctor said you have to stay still.“

„Riley, maybe we won't have that later. Look at me.“

„All right, I'll tell you. Madeleine said you would be here and-“

„No, no that Riley. You and Drake.“

She though her heart would explode. „Well…-she stopped for a second-„I'm in love with Drake. And I am sorry-“

Liam interupted her again:“Now it all makes sense, the way he always talked about you. How I never saw that?“

„It's not all his fault. He didn't want to hurt you. We wanted to tell you, but then I found out Madeleine wants to poison you, and it was the only way I could save you…I remember very well how you saved me. And what you saw this morning, we decided to stop seeing each other.“

„Why didn't you tell something, Riley?“

„It was never the right time. I didn't want to hurt you, Liam. You are a nice man. You didn't deserve any of that. And all I can see that everyone who's been surrounding you hurt you eventually.“

„Thats life, Riley.“-he looked her in her eyes and held her hand. „I know you are a good person and wouldn't hurt me on purpose.“

„You are right, I should have told you. All these lies lead to this. It's all my fault, Liam. I know my apology won't change a thing but I am sorry.“

„No time for apologies, Riley. They will accuse you for poisoning me. We can remove the note, but we still have delivery guy who brought that bottle thinking you sent it.“

„And not only that.“-Riley remembered-„Yesterday night, some man delivered me a poison, he thought I was Madeleine. And there is the note in the box adressed to „future queen“. And that box is still in my room.“

„I believe you were mistaken for Madeleine on purpose.“

„But that's not important now. Where is the damn doctor?“

„Listen to me Riley and promise me something.“-he looked in her eyes still holding her hand. „Promise me, now.“

„Okay Liam, I promise you whatever you want.“

„You have to run now.“

„You are insane, Liam. I'm staying with you.“

„You can't help me now. Just go. When doctor comes, he'll see the bottle. Delivery guy saw it, don't forget Madeleine. You will be accused for my murder.“

„You won't die, Liam!“

„Maybe, but still, you will be accused, and in prison for the rest of your life for this. And this time it will be harder to prove you innocence. So just run. Run away with Drake and never come back. Live the life you always wanted to live. I know he will take a good care of you. He knows how to espace without beeing seen.“

„No, I can't.“

„Oh, yes you can and you will. I'm sorry too, Riley, I didn't planed this as well. But I want you to be happy. And I saw this morning how happy can you be.“

She kissed his cheek and quickly but quietly left the room.

[molecloth26-blog]

My Manifesting Experiment: How I Got What I Didn’t Know I Needed

Photo courtesy of alexnoiret.com

Kelly Martin is an assistant editor at goop. She’s the most skeptical yet most open-minded person on our team, and that’s why we love her.

Afternoon light is streaming through a westward-facing window—a floor-to-ceiling window in fact. The walls are exposed brick; the bookshelves are packed with Michael Pollan, Stephen King, and stacks of authors that make me feel smarter. And outside my West Village apartment, just across the street, there’s a café serving the best pain aux raisins this side of the Seine. This afternoon, I’ll grab one—plus a mocha—on my way to class, where we’re studying urban food policy. And later, I’ll have my hands in dirt, teaching kids about carrots in a local school gardening program. By 8, I’ll meet up with my boyfriend (who’s perpetually awash in a golden light) back at the café. We’ll have something French and delicious. And then I’ll go to bed with a book and Taz, my Dutch shepherd.

None of this is my real, of course, save the dog and the bedtime reading. But I’m manifesting it. I am imagining my dream life as if I’m living it now. As if I can smell the pain aux raisins in front of me.

This is the last leg of a three-part sequence called the Ziva technique. The three parts—mindfulness, mantra-based meditation, and manifesting—are more than spiritual alliteration. The technique was developed by Emily Fletcher, who promised me this trifecta would be the answer to all of my dreams.

If you mixed zest and charm you’d get Fletcher. Considering her large, devoted following, one might be inclined to think Ziva is a personality cult. Fletcher, though, attributes its success to the effectiveness of the technique. She would know. After a decade working as an understudy on Broadway, Fletcher was run-down, anxious, and unable to sleep. Learning meditation turned around her mental health and, according to her, solved her insomnia in a day. Just one. So she left Broadway, moved to India for three years of teacher training, and founded Ziva Meditation—her studio in SoHo. The goal—and it’s a lofty one—is to use mindfulness, meditation, and manifesting to rid the world of unnecessary suffering.

It may seem Sisyphean—but to Fletcher and her students, it’s totally reasonable. So far, Fletcher’s guided several thousand budding meditators, including a client list of Oscar winners, professional athletes, Fortune 500 CEOs, and people who you’d otherwise assume are too busy to meditate. And Fletcher’s new book, Stress Less, Accomplish More, makes her technique easily accessible for the first time. The book is a discounted point of entry; you can become a self-sufficient meditator for the price of a hardcover. This is a good deal, considering what the courses cost. Ziva charges $399 for its online course, and the in-person price is kept secret until you’ve sat through a two-hour intro talk. If you need a hint: It’s more than $399.)

I took Ziva’s fifteen-day online course, which promised, repeatedly, to make me “good at life.” The first day, I learned to breathe (in a deeper, more meaningful way than I’d been doing for twenty-three years). The next, I learned to feel my feelings. I live in Los Angeles, where I’ve been drinking mindfulness through the (much-maligned) tap for the last five years, so this part was as easy as it was blissful.

Then, over the course of a few more days, I chose a mantra (sorry—it’s private) and bounced it around in my head, marinating in Fletcher’s recitations of all the ways stress was ruining my life and how meditation can fix it—if I practice twice a day, every day, for the rest of my life. (No, she assures me through my screen, this is not a cult.) And it works. I feel good. Really good. Don’t-need-that-second-cup-of-coffee good.

And finally, Fletcher brought the Ziva trifecta to a close with manifesting—what Ziva thinks of as its dessert course and what I came to think of as serious magical thinking. If mindfulness and meditation build calm and focus, manifesting asks: What are you going to do with it?

We see our future as a shiny object. We turn it over again and again. We hold it up to the light to see what it reflects. And the imagination we apply—okay, I apply—to the future is highly imprecise. Happiness! Success! Cash! More cash! And while these might work as general targets, Fletcher says, they’re vague, and how are we supposed to get there if “there” isn’t an explicit destination?

Fletcher wants to change that. Take your shiny object, she advises, and look for the light it casts around it. The nicks in its surface. The measured angles at which it’s cut. In other words, your dream life, if it is to be universe-sanctioned, requires scrutiny. What you want and why you want it, defined with precision, inspected daily.

Meticulously plotting a dream life, for me, is like trying to define the cosmos in a single adjective. It’s not that I don’t know what I want to do; it’s that I want to do everything. Like, after I’ve solved world hunger and my debut novel wins a Pulitzer, maybe I’ll cure diabetes, hike the Pacific Crest Trail, and open a bookstore-slash-café that lands itself in goop’s essential guide to Paris. But for the sake of practice—and fingers crossed, it could punt me in the right direction—I homed in on an immediate goal: graduate school.

This focus was not arbitrary; I had applied to Columbia University’s master of public health program only weeks before. For months, I had made GRE prep books my nearest, dearest friends—geometry problems were my morning routine, vocab flashcards my gym buddy, and practice tests my big nights out—and fallen asleep at night with a personal statement in one hand and a red pen in the other. This was a future, if there were any truth to Ziva’s most enigmatic step, that I could bring into being.

Months later—and deep, deep into my mindfulness/meditation/manifestation practice—my selected dream life came knocking, via email. One breathless call to Mom later, I was New York–bound.

Or so I thought.

What I expected from that afternoon’s meditation was bliss. A manifestation that I could reach out and touch, now unburdened from make-believe. The dream apartment in full color, Columbia’s campus dressed in crisp autumn colors, and visions of my best friends—budding New Yorkers themselves, in real life—towed along for wide, gooey slices of pizza out a shop window at 11 on a Tuesday night.

But in all this internal dialogue, reality rang its gong. When I sat down to meditate and manifest, none of this dream came to me. Instead: a great big nothing. After four weeks of consistent daydreams of my triumphant return to school, I couldn’t conjure it up. I ran through Fletcher’s incantations: “Consciously create a life you love.” “Imagine your dreams as if they are happening now.” And on and on. I don’t know what it is in your head that’s in charge of manifesting, but every time I tried to nudge its great big nothing in the direction of any teeny anything, it simply refused. No, it maintained. I’ll stay right here, thanks.

I started to question whether I was going about this wrong. What does it take to make the shoe fit? A magic spell? Should I chop off my toes? I couldn’t find the answer in Ziva’s online modules, so I called Fletcher herself.

I was not doing this wrong, Fletcher reassured me. Manifestation, she clarified, is never about the goal itself, but the feeling that you imagine achieving it will bring. And when you manifest, you can revel in the experience of that success even if it’s not really happening. In other words: It’s future happiness you can enjoy now. It allows you to let go of the idea that happiness lies on the other side of goals that—as she expects, and as I experienced—are likely to change.

Change of mind validated, I did what would have been unthinkable a few months earlier: I turned down my dream grad program. And the future, having been shaved to a point over the past few months, ballooned back up into the thousand things I hope it could be.

My manifestations, now, are less elaborate. Fletcher advised me not to try so hard (letting go: my toughest nut) and instead to go with whatever would bring a smile to my face in that moment. The books are still there. The dog is still there. But the rest changes daily, and sometimes I don’t picture anything at all. But I feel, as Fletcher swore I would, better at life. Whether it’s the one I’m living—or the one I’m dreaming about.

Source: https://goop.com/wellness/mindfulness/my-manifesting-experiment-how-i-got-what-i-didnt-know-i-needed/

[cloneslugs]

the whole venture family

for rando headcanons ur gonna get hmm a little more than anticipated sorry this is like a lot of reading..

Rusty

Sexuality Headcanon: hmm bi but he really prefers guysGender Headcanon: trans guy but not completely binaryA ship I have with said character: brock + himA BROTP I have with said character: im not gonna say Brock since i already kinda put him for romance, so i’ll go my conjectural tech boysA NOTP I have with said character: probably him & pete since thats the other pop thingA random headcanon: really wary around guns mostly bc of trauma & thats why Brock started using a knife, general social anxiety mostly stemming from being trans & also feelings of inadequacy but Brock helps w that, loves to stargaze, just really loves to go on and on about science and in a sence how beautiful the world is, doesnt sleep well most nights on account of nightmares so he usually just sits in bed or maybe paces around & checks in on his kids, hed check in on Brock but if he gets up then its a sure thing Brock is up as well, doesnt know how to quite hate his dad and it frustrates him, super lazy & whiny he tries to get Brock to carry him everywhere bc what are boyfriends & bodyguards for, cant stand watching his cartoon, never laughs at the stories that Team Venture tells & doesnt understand why other people do, good friends with Sheila, shes pretty secretive about her life & all but he feels like she gets him, hes actually cool w Malcolm & figures hes just kinda annoying, loves his kids more than anything in the world, suicidal since he was a young teen probably, flirted w Brock ALL the time when he first got him, hates loud noises & cant sleep through thunderstorms, babies his kids endlessly, he loves to talk and talk and talk but most people shut him down as a kid w that so hes afraid to now, REALLY LOVES DOGS, his family is such a saving grace he doesnt understand why they love him so much but they do and he wishes he could be better for them, his family really rekindled the warped sense of family he had growing up, General Opinion over said character: i love him i love him more than anything he is such a comfort character i love him i love him

Hank 

Sexuality Headcanon: bi/pan he doesnt care what you call itGender Headcanon: nb trans boyA ship I have with said character: sirena !!!A BROTP I have with said character: Dean ofcA NOTP I have with said character: hmm idk idk any other decent hank pairings unless u demons want me to step in ugly territoryA random headcanon: he came out a few years before Dean did !! constantly calls Brock dad much to his annoyance, partly as a joke & partly bc he really does consider Brock his dad, unapologetically trans & not het he probably is the loudest & proudest in the family, hates vegetables, eats dry cereal as a snack, really into cryptids, hates bananas, doesnt know how to sit still, always excited and on the move, hes probably the most comfortable socially in the family, loves to treat Dean as if hes his actual baby brother, considers basically anyone whos a good friend as family, prefers dogs to cats, really flexible and is constantly climbing on things, he really likes monkeys, stays out of the DC or Marvel debate he just likes Batman, he knows how to catch squirrels and birds and it really freaks his parents out, hes planned his parents wedding since he was like 6 w Dean and ya boys are waiting, very affectionate and cuddly, loves to just sit w his family, likes to help Brock w chores but he sucks, totally thinks Brock could beat Batman in a fight, wants to start a family band but brock called that lame, likes to squish bugs but only if they are small, hates long trips especially when he has to sit still or everyone else stopped talking, really good at random talents he looked up online & thought were cool, the best hugger in the familyGeneral Opinion over said character: lovely lovely boy !!!! love him love him !!!! beautiful smile would give anything for him!!!!

Brock

Sexuality Headcanon: unpop opinion time but hmm very gayGender Headcanon: nb & uses he/him A ship I have with said character: rusty & him !!!A BROTP I have with said character: shoreleave ?A NOTP I have with said character:  womenA random headcanon: he’s mentally ill but pretty subtle w it and all, hes pretty anxious and paranoid esp involving the Venture’s safety, he doesnt sleep well bc he is a very light sleeper & also he just. cant do it very easily, really poor sleep schedule he only gets to bed after the Ventures are asleep and he checks security & maybe gets a few chores out of the way like dishes or smth & he always wakes up way early before the ventures, trust issues mostly from years of OSI work & esp from Molotov constantly backstabbing him, Doc is v important to him bc he is a big source of trust but also comfort he always knows how to calm Brock down, actually very shy he hates crowds & doesnt like talking  to people, really into fashion & stuff but doesnt get into bc Mr Blood On Everything, way into poetry, hes always felt so rough and tumble like all hes supposed to do is hurt other people and go out and be on the attack bc thats kinda the mindset he was raised with w a shitty stepdad and other people in his small hometown and he thoughts thats all he would be thats why he joined football even though he didnt care for it & thats why he loves the Iron Giant & why protecting the Ventures is so important bc he can keep things safe and have a sweet family and be gentle for once in his life, he fell for Rusty first,cat person, knows nothing abt Jonas & his Team, in a constant fued w Action Man esp just bc the dude is a dick & awful, really emotionally detached & generally apathetic outside the Ventures but he wishes he wasnt, he doesnt know how to talk about himself & his emotions or anything that really goes on in his head, he finds OSI work really draining and mehhh not his thing but he feels like its kinda cool so he does it, leaving after the family slays together is like his biggest regret and makes him feel really guilty & hes not good at forgiving himself for lots of things but especially that, he used to not care about dying before he met the ventures, the family is basically his anchor, he has a very detached idea of Self & Who He Is personally, hes impulsive to the point of suicide mostly bc hes not a good thinker in heavy situations and he has trouble wrapping his head around things,very sentimental w the family, he flusters really easy bc romance is not his strong suit and its kinda a new ballgame for him, decent cook, really bad at math but good at memorizing things about other people and random facts, he would rather die before he lets those ventures get a papercutGeneral Opinion over said character: hmm one tough dude

Dean

Sexuality Headcanon: gay !!! Gender Headcanon: trans guyA ship I have with said character: Jared !!!A BROTP I have with said character: hank !!!!A NOTP I have with said character: hmmm idrk !!! not a lot of pickings lolA random headcanon: even tho his family is LGBT he still has really bad anxiety about it, socially anxious & bad at eye contact, loves to collect stuffed animals, kisses frogs when he finds them so maybe theyll turn into a prince he still does this even when hes older but in secret, really loves disney movies, social dysphoria makes him nervous w dating, doesnt like to pick a favorite animal even though its giraffes, but doesnt like to get in the debate of cats v dogs even though he prefers cats, crybaby like the rest of his family, babied by everyone else and he kinda hates it, brock loves them equally but he especially babied dean when they were little, mostly bc him & dean were Venture Safety Patrol and always trying to keep the others from doing something dumb or dangerous, likes to garden & keep plants but hes really forgetful so Brock either has to take over or they die, cries during horror movies, big hand holder, gets frustrated with himself really easily especially growing up, likes to paint nails, smells every flower & pets every animal he can get his hands on, cant handle when people argue w him or w each other, took him a while to realize he was gay and now its really confusing and frustrating for him so he kinda ignores it as much as he can, only comfy wearing short sleeves around his family, best at making flower crowns, loves to style Brocks hair, cant go to bed unless he kisses everyone goodnight, really bad at paying attention he daydreams a lot, collects feathers, gets drained easily in most situations, the king of platonic kisses, likes to color, most comfy around his family & they know hot to take care of him the best, overwhelmed easily, smiles at dogs he sees being walked, refuses to kill spiders or bugs, scared of big bugs but makes Brock put them outside, if its cute he wants it, cant skip rocks even though brock & hank try to teach him, when hes overwhelmed he sits w his family, really bad balance, probably the Venture that gets the most hugs & kisses but its a close raceGeneral Opinion over said character: trying & tired

[writtenonthesubwaywalls]

Love of the Heavens

"Be careful, okay?" -------- America was doing one of the things that he most enjoyed: flying in the blue skies of his country. He was flying in a stunt exhibition in his little red plane. While he was flying over, he saw a couple of girls in a clearing down below. He thought to himself, Watch them run! And he dropped his nose towards them, diving down as low as he would allow himself. Surprisingly enough, the brown haired girl didn't move, even in the slightest. As he pulled back up to the sky, he looked down at them again, getting a good look at the girl who wasn't afraid. "Curious," he said to himself, flying off and only thinking of the girl who wasn't afraid. "Hey," he said, walking up to her and taking his helmet off, exposing his messy, golden hair. "You are the girl from the field, right?" he asked. She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "I take it you must be the pilot who thought that he would get a kick out of scaring a few girls." America laughed, bringing his hand up and rubbing the back of his neck. "Ha... Yeah, sorry about that." Now it was Amelia's turn to laugh. She thrust her hand out to him, which he shook. "The name's Amelia Earhart! You?" "Alfred F Jones." ---------- "Ready?" he asked. This was the first time that Amelia was going into the air, and it was Alfred's job to make sure that it was the best time of her life. "Ready!" she replied, pulling her goggles on. God, she was the cutest thing in goggles. It was December, so it was really cold out. America had equipped her with a spare bomber jacket and a soft, white scarf, while he had his favorite bomber jacket from the Great War, which he flew in. "Alright, then. Let's go!" And with that, they started gaining speed, streaming down the runway. Then the plane picked up off the ground. America looked back, smirking at her expression, which was that of pure joy. Amelia looked down, over the edge of the plane. It was one of the ones with an open cockpit, so they could feel the rush of the wind as they flew through it. The expanse of golden fields rippled with the breeze, making it appear as though the earth was a sleeping golden giant. "Hold on!" he called behind him, climbing a little higher in the sky before dropping his nose to the ground, spinning and spiraling all the way down. When he got close enough, he leveled out, tilting the craft ever so slightly so the wing could brush the top stems of the tall grass. He put the plane high up in the sky again, and turned around to see Amelia again. To his surprise, she was laughing again. Amelia had the brightest smile and the prettiest laugh. And the way her eyes twinkled with joy... Alfred landed the plane, jumping out and offering her a hand like any proper gentleman should. She took it, but only because she was laughing so hard that she couldn't keep her balance. "So," America asked, putting one hand on his hip, "how was it?" Amelia straightened herself, sliding the goggles off of her eyes. Her hair was a windswept mess and her scarf was crooked, yet Alfred had never seen a more perfect human being. "It was magic !" she exclaimed, eyes shining. Alfred reached out and ruffled her hair. Why do I think she's so unbelievably awesome? -------- "I'll be off, Alfred!" Amelia called from her plane. This was it, the day that she would take off and be the first woman to fly across the Atlantic solo, which was notorious for it's terrible weather conditions. Alfred smiled and waved at her from the hangar. He wished that he could have been there with her, but this was her mission. They had planned the whole thing in secret, including that day's takeoff. Before she had left, she had participated in many a flying derby. She always placed, so her name was well known throughout the whole country. And during every one, our American was there cheering her on. Eventually, he had asked her to marry him, which she joyfully accepted. She only had one condition: she got to continue being independent and not just some 'wife'. Of course, knowing that feeling better than anyone, he let her have as much space as she needed. When France had found out that he was married to a human woman, he had come and tried to talk him out of it. He had told him of the only one he had ever truly loved, and how she had a tragic death in the name of her country. His beloved Jeanne d'Arc. Alfred brushed it off. "That was during a revolution, France. There is no war now. I don't have to worry about her coming to an end such as that of your beloved. I thank you for your concern, but it does not apply to me. Not here, not now." France then left, muttering and shaking his head. But before he could go, he turned back, speaking one more time. "If something does happen to her, I am here for you, mon enfant." ---------- Amelia had finally returned home from her transatlantic flight. "Amelia! You're home!" he yelled, running up to her plane. She jumped out and into his arms, hugging him before breaking away to face the huge crowd of admirers and media. "Of course I am, Alfred. I'll always come back to you!" ------- Alfred stood at the side of her plane, his hand on the wing. "You promise you'll come back?" he asked. It was almost tradition now. Always a promise to return, and she always did. "Of course I promise to come back, beloved. I always will, remember?" Amelia smiled a smile much like the classic smile of her fiance. They were set to get married as soon as she got back from her around the world flight as a sort of celebration. -flashback- "Alfred, what are you planning?" Amelia asked, walking into the hangar. "You usually don't ask to meet me here, and you never ask me to go somewhere without telling me why." Alfred looked down sheepishly before gazing at her once again. It wasn't he beauty that he fell in love with, it was her mind; her neverending curiosity, her stubbornness, all of it. "I wanted to take you up in my friend's new plane. You know, one of the really new fighters. I figured that you would be excited about it, since you like the fighters and the other war planes." Amelia smiled and rolled her eyes. She knew her boyfriend was a dork, but this really took the cake. "Alright Alfie, alright. I assume you're flying it, then?" The energetic man laughed. "Of course!" He lead the way up to the new plane. It was painted blue, with red and white stripes on the wings. Typical of the very patriotic American. Alfred offered her a hand, which she accepted with a smirk. Quickly, she pulled him down and placed a quick kiss in his hair. "Thank you," she whispered. Alfred blushed ever so slightly. "Ready?" "Ready." They both secured their goggles and Alfred drove the plane out and onto the runway. One of the greatest parts of flying was the takeoff. The pure feeling of exhilaration was something that was unequaled by anything else. He brought the plane up to a comfortable cruising altitude. Turning around, he stood in his seat just to kneel back down again. He put a hand to his small headset and said, "Amelia, I know that I like you, and I'm pretty sure you like me, so would you do me the honor of standing by me and wearing a fancy ring?" He smiled and pulled said ring out of his pocket, holding it out to her. "Alfred you dork! Of course I will!" -end flashback- Alfred fingered his simple gold band. "I love you." "I love you too, dork." She looked down at her watch. "Oh! Alfred, get off the runway! I have to take off now or I'll be behind schedule!" She shoved him away from the wing of her plane. Alfred brought his hands up in surrender, and walked away from the plane and into the hangar. It was on this day, in June of 1937, on her second attempt at takeoff, that the famous female pilot Amelia Earhart took off on her flight round the world. ------- Alfred waited anxiously in the hallway. He had heard from his boss that Amelia had arrived in New Guinea, but she was sick and weakened. He didnt like the way that sounded. The dark omen from France came up in his thoughts again. No, it's just a coincidence, he thought to himself. Just a coincidence. ---------- July second he heard from her one more time. Not directly, of course. Through a message from the coast guard of Howland Island, actually. They said that things were going fine, and that their journey was going to come to an end rather soon. "See France? You had no idea what you were talking about! They're both perfectly fine," Alfred said with a smile. France sat across from him, drinking some spiked tea and admiring the flowers in the garden they were in. France had come to visit and check on the relationship of his other son. "I am glad that I was wrong on this account, mon ami. Just remember that her flight is not yet over, and a lot can happen in a few days," the Frenchman replied, taking another sip of his tea. "Nothing's going to happen to her," he said, more for himself than for his companion. ------- Pain. That's all he felt. It was July fourth, his beloved independence day. Alfred was waiting at the hangar that his beloved was to be flying into later that day. Suddenly, he doubled over, a searing pain cutting through his chest. Amelia, was his only thought. He could literally see the fires of her downed plane; feel the burns and hear her screams and her pleads for mercy. A plane crash. Fitting for someone with as much fire in them as she had. He fell to his knees, clutching at his chest and trying to keep from crying. Quick and shallow breathing was all you could hear in the room. "Amelia, you promised me," he whispered to an empty room with an empty heart. "You promised."

[samoas]

all flower asks

o okay amaryllis - name an attribute of yourself that you are proud of.- hm. my inability to be fake i just cant do it anemone - describe a time when you felt abandoned or betrayed by someone you loved.- my dad yeeted out of the picture 7 years ago azalea - would you describe yourself as a patient person?- with people and things i care about the most yes, everything else, no begonia - describe anything you see as a “red flag” (something that makes you cautious about a new friend or love interest)- they make jokes about me to me and then get upset if i get upset bird of paradise - do you like hosting parties, or do you prefer to just attend?- just attend. if i tried to throw a party nobody would come lol bluebell - what keeps you humble?- im fucking STUPID bro i cant be arrogant chrysanthemum - describe your idea of a perfect day.- i wake up naturally around 8 am and i dont feel tired. i can get out of bed easily and make my coffee. its cold outside and everything is frosted over. i spend my time writing letters ill never send and listening to soft music spring crocus - describe your favorite childhood memory.- one of my favs is when me and my mom were in the backyard gardening and came across 5 or 6 little snakes. she put them all in a mason jar for me to look at and then she released them in the ditch across the street because i didnt want them to get hurt daffodil - how do you confess your feelings to someone you’re interested in?- just......... say u like them daisy - describe something that gives you hope when things seem bleak.- i met harry styles in a thrift store foxglove - when was the last time you told a lie?- a couple days ago when i told my mom i had eaten gardenia - have you ever had to keep a romance a secret? if so, why and for how long?- oh yeah babey....... ive kept 2- one for 6 months, another for 2 months purple hyacinth - describe a time when you had to apologize to someone- i apologize constantly because im gross hydrangea - how much time do you spend on your appearance each day? - zero. i just make sure theres nothing on my face brush my teeth and go white jasmine - what is something that never fails to make you laugh?- this particular picture of a stretchy dog with absolute orbs for eyes lavender - describe your oldest friendship, and why you think it has lasted so long.- ive been friends with this girl for about 6 years, she was my brothers dads girlfriends daughter (confusing ik) but we became friends when i stayed at the dads house. we both love 1d and bonded a lot thru out parent problems lilac - describe your first relationship or first love.- oof. freshman year, freshly homosexual, first girlfriend, first time even considering a girlfriend. we were officially together for a week and then like kinda together for around 5 months. i really loved that gorl i dont know why. i was hung up on her for over a year after we broke things off. it almost killed me calla lily - what traits do you find beautiful in others? in yourself?- in others, everything really. i hate men but girls are beautiful ive never seen an ugly girl in my life (except for this one girl who has come into work wearing a maga shirt twice) and also honesty and sincerity - in myself, i like my eyes, my lips, and my hands. thats about it, personality is terrible tiger lily - if you had to choose between doing what you love and making very little money, or doing a job you hate and making a lot of money, what would you choose and why?- i would choose little money because knowing myself i cannot do something i dont like well at all and i probably quit my job immediately lotus flower - would you say that you are a spiritual person? if so, what elements of spirituality are important to you?- i like to think that there is some higher power but none in particular. i talk to the stars whenever i see them. i dont know really what im doing but it makes me feel better magnolia - describe your favorite thing to do outdoors.- finding bugs!!!!!!!!!!morning glory - are you an affectionate person? if so, how do you show affection?- most of the time. i like to be touching in some way, even if its just arms touching each other when we sit next to each other pansy - what is the most thoughtful thing that anyone has done for you?- my mom does so many things for me all the time and i just made myself cry thinking about them all lol peony - describe the top three things necessary for a happy life.- financial stability, some form of companionship, and freedom to do things you want petunia - what never fails to make you angry?- terfs red poppy - what tips or tricks do you use to cheer yourself up when you’re down?- i dont. i dissociate instead red rose - describe your ideal date or romantic evening. - walking around the city and talking and stop for coffee and just being togetheryellow rose - do you get jealous easily?- yes but i manage to stifle it so its not really a problem snowdrop - have you ever had a falling out with a friend or family member?- oh god ya. one whole side of my family and also my dad and many, many friends sunflower - do you consider yourself a loyal person? - if you are loyal to me yes sweet pea - describe a difficult goodbye you had to make to a friend or other loved one.- when my uncle died i was supposed to get to call him the day before but they didnt think i needed to and told me he died 3 days after he did. i said goodbye while scattering his ashes in a lake violet - how important is loyalty in friendships and/or relationships?- very very very important. not like "you can only talk to me" loyalty but like, be honest, dont lie, and dont skip out of me u know wisteria - do you like poetry? if so, describe your favorite poem(s).- not a huge poetry person zinnia - do you have any loved ones in your life that you miss and wish you could see? - my uncle, a bunch of old family

[becomingstrong1289]

5/17/17

Ive been sad lately. I’ve been sad for a long time. Years i think. Maybe decades at this point. Life is so hard. This bipolar thing is really starting to make sense. Its like I’m so depressed and then i get an energy about me and i want to do everything all at once and then i get too overwhelmed and irritated and go right back down to depressed. Is it normal to feel like this. It surely is affecting my life. My job is on its last leg, my relationship with Shawn is all over the place, i lose it with the kids and dont have enough energy to be what they need. But this is who ive always been. In highschool i was a depressed mess. Growing up the way i did really didn’t give me a good baseline. is that possible to not have a healthy baseline. 

Work: My plan has been for awhile, go to coding and find a job in that. Annie said it started at $17/hr. Eventually figure out how to go home to work. Once Owen is in school go back for nursing at Saint Anthony’s for my bachelors. It seems so easy. Cardiology is just a cluster fuck with a lot a lot of attitude. I hope this new girl comes in and makes it back to the way it was. I was thinking about attempting to take over putting on holters. Maybe that will get the nurses off my back. Its just unfair to me that i spend so much time on something that isnt necessary and then on a whim get asked to do something for someone else when no one is willing to help me. They only room pts if it is absolutely necessary. I guess nursing is all in the computer now. They cant even look away for a moment. i know there are better ways to deal with things. Today i wanted to figure out how i was going to take a lunch break. That meant asking Tana for help. But she had a meeting at noon and wouldnt be back until 3. So i thought i was fucked. She said i could go at 11, i was so negative and pessimistic i didnt see any other option. I feel like ive been sick for 3 weeks and its bringing me down. I got strep, the antibiotics affected me very negatively, and then i thought i was pregnant for like 2 weeks. One test even came out slightlly positive. Then i finally get my period and it is awful. The pain today was almost enough to make me go home. My body is throwing me for a loop. Im scared to take this stupid medicine for my thyroid, i feel sick, i have a fever constantly, my head is crazy, i have depression and anxiety, this divorce is killing me, i dont want it, i never did but its just happening anyway. i got the paper work. josh is starting to become a stranger to me. its just the weirdest feeling i hate being a single mom of two kids. im so tired and stretched thin. i put all my effort into things like cooking healthy and making sure they bath and brush their teeth twice a day correctly and doing natalies hair nicely and keeping my house clean for us. i see other people who dont do these things. Jodie said i should be more proud of myself for what i do. its hard to be proud and exhausted. is it worth the effort. are there things my energy could be put forth. is health and hygiene and cleanliness so important. Im so down, its getting harder and harder to see the joy in things. im so scare of getting on antidepressants. i dont want to be a zombie. i dont want the sexual dysfunction that comes along with that. I guess i just need to get through work and do everything i can. if someone asks me to do something, just do it. if i get behind on charts, just work until i get it done. if i have to not take a lunch break to get it done, then thats how it will be. a new coworker and a new boss might help the situation. who knows. im scared of the future i have there. i know i had it cushy with jeanette. i dont see it being like that with Laura. Bosses named laura are always “fun”.... just work hard. get yourself out of this rut. stop talking about outside life too. just focus on work. stop with your phone. i deleted fb off my phone. i need a break from that. dont let them see me on my phone. be perfect so theres nothing they can say. fake it til you make it i guess. 

Kids: Owen is thriving i think. Hes a good little boy, eats well, understands and communicated well, funny and loving. Natalie is a ball of anxiety. i want so much to get into her head. my goal was to always have an open relationship with my kids that they would be able to tell me anything. that is definitely not the way it is. She doesn’t tell me anything. Its all a secret and then i get made because its a secret. Today she had an accident and tried to hide it from me. she trashed my bathroom. Im not sure why my 6 year old is having accidents. thats scary in its own right. i am perpetually scare my kids could get molested or something without me ever knowing about it. anyway, i got mad when i went into the bathroom and saw what she had done. there was shit everywhere. just everywhere. Later when things were calmed and she did her punishment i asked her why she has been getting in trouble at school. she opened up when i asked if she needed more attention. she actually got emotional about it. she doesn’t think her teacher spends enough time with her, she doesn’t get enough play time, and the recess people are mean to her. She genuinely teared up over it. i asked her what she needed from me. she wants me to play more games with her. i bought a deck of cards a few days ago, i was going to teach her how to play some games. its so hard to fit all of it into a night. i get home at 530. i have to make dinner by 630. its been nice so weve been spending a little time outside. soon ill have my garden i would like to stop there a few times a week before we go home. anyway. 645 is bath time. They stay in there for about 30 mins 715. then its time to relax. I guess this is a good time to read books. Im so freaking tired by this point. but 715 to 730 would be good for books. and 730 to 8 would be good for games with natalie. sometimes they have been going to bed later. for 730-45 for books and 745=815 for games. by 83o everyone is in bed. i guess ill see how that goes tomorrow. i want the one on one time with natalie and owen. i enjoy it so much. i love friday afternoons with owen. its amazing to have him all to myself. and then when me and natalie are alone its really nice too. we need more of it. i dont know how to be someone she can come to honestly and authorative. i want a relationship that she knows the rules but stays open about if she broke them and takes responsibility for it. I have no idea what any of that looks like in real life. Maybe that kind of thing only exists in movies and adulthood. im her mom, not her friend, i know that but i need her to feel comfortable talking to me and she isnt. The mental health group class i went to talked about “has anyone taught you how to deal with being sad”. No one taught me. it was looked down upon if i was sad or emotional. it annoyed my mom and she made me go away. i remember when my aunt died. i was fine until i saw her daughter and realized she didnt have a mom anymore and i wanted to cry but i had to excuse myself because i was taught inadvertently that is how you deal with sad. i didnt even feel comfortable crying at a funeral. thats sad. and even now, my sadness is isolation, crying alone and hiding everything. and how guilty i feel, just this weekend natalie got sad that we were going to pull out her tooth with plyers, we said it as a joke, and she started crying. i asked her why she was crying but she just clammed up. i was so frustrated i sent her to her room. im my mind i thought it would be a way for her to cool off but now i think if i would have just given her a hug and reassured her we were just kidding she may have opened up to me. im going to put more effort into her. 45 mins per night will be directly spent with them and only them. Im not going to take it away if they were bad. we need time together whether they misbehaved or not. i need to research better discipline methods. besides beating children i was never taught how to properly discipline a kid. time out was good before but natalie is too old for that now. i know things like cleaning and going to bed shouldnt be a punishment because then cleaning and going to bed normally will always be a punishment. i take away her snack but that makes me scared she’ll see food as a reward also. just how the fuck do i discipline a kid that doesn’t affect the rest of her life. one guy i knew made his kid run when she was bad. well i bet exercise will be a punishment when she gets old and shell die of heart disease from being sedentary her whole life. im going to bed. i hope getting some of this out of my head makes for a better tomorrow. 

[stitchedhart]

The First Cut Is The Deepest

“First best is falling in love. Second best is being in love. Least best is falling out of love. But any of it is better than never having been in love.” —Maya Angelou

Every “first” is exciting and worth remembering specially when you are young and carefree! But the painful ones are the most damaging and most curse-worthy scenario!

My first love was both a bliss and a failure.

Bliss. That feeling of completeness and joy of falling in love for the first time. That emotional roller coaster you ride for the first time in forever and you get all the feels of loving and be loved back. Isn’t it great if your crush and first love feels the same way about you?! The butterflies in your stomach and heart-skipped-a-bit moments. These are all priceless for a young and naive girl at 8th grade. Yep. I was 14 when i had my first crush and prolly my first love. I saw him as the boy who can turn my world upside down. The one who can shower me attention and put butterflies in my tummy. The one who can figure me out when my mood swings up & down. The one who can do what it takes to make a relationship last.

I remember, Ive kept a DIY diary way back highschool days. I made sure the writings was encrypted, so the inputs were written in numbers instead of letters. It was like keeping a “jueteng” book hahaha. One day, out of my carelessness, i forgot the diary on my desk at school. I only remembered about it when one of my barkada returned it to me the next day. With a silly grin on his face he said, “Hoy bansot I know your secret now so better be good to me, libre mo ako ngayon!” and handed the said diary to me. It was like the world was put into a halt and all the blood in my face was suctioned out making me pale as snow lol. I was not surprised though of how he figured it out. Anyhow, the inputs in the diary didn’t give him the easy job lol. But still, he did unlock my most guarded secret (bummer).

As expected, my wicked friend disclosed my top secret to crush (if only killing is legal) Sweet baby jesus..I wanted the ground to crack up and swallow me on that instant (ggggrrr) But then, it turned out, crush feels the same way about me (WOW). “Crush ka ng crush mo” moment (eeeehhh) that was the first milestone in my teenage life (hahaha).

It was on the 9th grade when we became an official item. What we had was not the typical boy-girl relationship. I didn’t want him to crowd me in front of my friends. I didnt want him to show a public display of affection (PDA). I just wanted him to care and love me from a distance. I didn’t want to display to the whole student body that i was his girl. Though everyone was aware about it, still, I was not comfortable. I was kind of insecure when im around him. It’s like as if i don’t deserve to be his girl. But i knew his feelings for me was genuine. It was just me. Maybe because he was good looking, popular and the battalion commander of our CAT class. I was just the guidon bearer, the not-so-tall and not-so-pretty-girl. I was just the petite high school student who happened to have caught his attention with my cute charms lol.

I remember… He used to give me a rose in the afternoon after our classes. Freshly picked from her mom’s garden. He secretly puts it by the window in my Mamala’s house. He makes short poems and gives me love notes every day. He helps me with my projects and he protects me from bullies. He was the sweetest. He even gave me love ring. I was the happiest girl during that time. At 16 i got my first boyfriend, experience my first kiss and had all the feels of having a bf (landi mode) :D

The relationship went steady until the 10th grade and then high school graduation came. We separated ways and we went to University. But that didn’t end our relationship. Until the second half of the term, something went wrong. No more love letters and then communication faded.

(photo: ctto)

Nothing lasts forever…

Failure. Semestral break when we finally ended up our relationship. ‘Twas raining then. We talked about it in the most civil and calm manner. I told him that we have to part ways because we cant manage a long distance relationship. He said yes without hesitation. He then told me he found someone new and the girl happened to be my friend. Double shit! We bid goodbyes…no more last hug or last kiss, just goodbye! When he left our house i fucking cried like a baby. It was so painful i wanted to scream! It was like, my heart was lacerated with a double edge knife greased with venom.

I wallowed in pain and loneliness. I cried every fucking chance i get. I was angry. My young and virgin heart was trumpled upon, badly beated and shattered. I admit i even cursed that day my friend found out about my diary. But that was not the end of the rope for me. I picked up my self and tried to move forward. My badly beaten heart has reached it’s saturation point at that time. It can no longer absorb pain or any feeling. It was just beating erratically for my dear life.

(photo: ctto)

Bottom line: I was the idealistic type when i had my first love. I was young, carefree and gullible. I saw the world filled with hearts, peaches and unicorn. It was not until i found my other half/my soulmate that I’ve come to understand the concept of true and unconditional love.

First break up.. first pain always have a heavy impact in our life and to our next relationship. No one can take our past from us, it has something to do with our present. Yeah. It is true that past is past and it will never come back but the lessons stay. First love is basically what teaches us with some of the most important things about love. We learn what to do and not to. Its painful at some point but it is also one of the most meaningful relationship anyone can experience.

It has been 2 decades that we didn’t see each other after that break up. Thanks to Facebook im no longer wondering how he looks like after so many years. We are just connected by social media now. Im even friends with his wife. I saw how his life unfolded after the so-called puppy love. He’s living his own life now as i am living mine. I feel a fond memory of how i felt back then when it was all good and perfectly awesome, but none of the hurt has lingered.

Because at the end of the day, no one ever fell in love gracefully!

I remember the boy but i dont remember the feelings anymore!