#and then on Friday I have a thesis committee meeting lmao

[chaotic-neutral-knitter]

I have a meeting with my thesis advisor on Monday and I’m going to talk to him about mastering out of my PhD program.

I’m writing it down so that I actually take the initiative to do it, bc change is scary but the status quo has become untenable. And it’s frustrating bc I feel like I could have gotten through, and I could have been good at this, except there’s been a major crisis (personal, professional, or global) every year I’ve been here and at a certain point the resilience well runs empty.

[wontonsupremacy]

Rant/Column of Human relationships: The Judgement in continuing or cutting people off, what factors affect us?

As a starting thesis I’d like to say this is a rant, but also a pseudo Journalist attempt. Think of it like Sex and the City where the narrator rants and hypothesizes about “current dating culture”. Except mine doesn’t have sex in it quite yet. -- Scroll all the way down to see the conclusion if you don’t want to see my rants lmao.

So what happenned was that Kim and I have been hanging out wayyyy too much too closely when we still really don’t know each other. Its been highly stressful already and me getting Assistant Director to her Director was something I was scared of.  She has alot of classes and alot of things going on despite her becoming director, and with the change of directors I realize there will be huge changed in the committee-- as well as members leaving. The problem is that the committee is already wayy smaller than it should be that we have had to have other directors and ask for volunteers so much. She has family issues, especially with her dad and I realize that she probably didnt need to hear anything from me quite yet. But with me becoming assistant director, many things have come up, and I’ve also had to come up to tell her about the committee issue last friday.  Already there’s huge conflict inside me about her, because I obviously knew that I should have been soft with calling her out as a director. I also realize that I was highly stressed at her, not anyone else but her because she kept asking me to hang out, to come see her at union board, to come to here and there THEN whine about not getting her homework done. I’ve witnessed that she spends more time on youtube videos streaming while she does her homework, and lets just say it is highly frustrating for me to hang out with her when I could be productive, when I also definetly am not “part of her distraction” to do her homework and youtubing.  I guess this is how Kuro felt too, but its not more so of her and her lifestyle, but the fact that I want to help her and support her and root for her mental health and all that, but she’s not helping herself and I feel like I’m just wasting my energy and feelings. I definetly feel like Kuro. I just sigh and I don’t want to be tied down to this.  I have things to do as well, and as much as I love hanging out with someone like her who is equally needy, straight up with opinions and roasting, has a strange sense of humour and doesn’t like to deal with drama, -- I think our friendship may already becoming an end if I don’t keep my distance with her.  A match may light up quicker but go out sooner.  Lets just say that for both of us, it was necessary to take a step back, distance ourselves and at worst cut ourselves off from each other to maintain peace. I was becoming really crabby and irritative at her. I miss her, we know, we both probably do inside but I know Kim doesn’t miss me because she’s probably already smashed the door to her emotions toward me. I’ve already emotionally betrayed her- but it was necessary for the both of us right?  And its not like I had to do a “talk” about this feeling. It’s more so that I think I used the committee issue to stress talk and she got the hint. Which I must be more than grateful for, especially because I’ve been so busy that I only got irritated about this an hour ago when I accidentally thought of her and checked if she had messaged me-- and ofcourse, my butthurt ass saw she hadn’t even read my apology I typed last Friday, which clicked me on and infuriated me in some way, brought back memories of why I had been so angry, and I am typing right now.  I haven’t heard from her at all, and I’m glad that I’ve met Kuro already that I don’t have to bitch at her. I think on the positive side, I could practice being more open hearted, understanding, and more casual and lenient to this kind of lifestyle. There’s a girl that talked to be from a dating app recently and she’s like me, and I’m like Kim to her. She wants faster and more frequent texting, warming up quicker and more real talk. Lets just say I’ve already found red flags and decided not to go with it because of my anxiety. I told her me and her would just be friends, and if she responds I’m hoping not to respond anymore.  I guess its exactly that. Being stressed over small things aren’t a thing for certain seasons of certain people. If I can’t be open to that, then its the end. I think that’s what I can change if Kuro ever came back to be a friend to me, even if its not a relationship this kind of issue can definetly become a big issue to someone who wants frequent contact.  Rushing things is bad-- I guess I should put it that way, but its exactly that. Matching someone’s life tempo/speed is a thing, and should be a thing. If you can’t deal with it you leave.  Conclusion So in the end it comes down to:

Do you like this person enough to go through with dealing with them, their lifestyle, their life tempo/speed, and if you can keep that up with them-- and if they can keep up if you can’t.  It’s a cooperation, human relationships. But sometimes we need to realize who is a priority, you? or them? And the judgement that goes into this ultimately comes down to weighing their value against your life, including your own health and future possibilities you might be missing.  A good example of this would be Kade. I hated him for a huge chunk of my year I met him, we were nothing more than casual friends who ranted to each other, but lets say when he made a point in saying he didn’t want to hear anymore and he was done, I was done with him too. But I found out I actually really liked Kade, and despite him being such a rude and sassy Queen, I got over my offended ass and stuck my hand back out to him to say “How’s it going?” after a bit of a hiatus. As it turns out, he liked me enough too to say “I’m doing way better than last year.” and eventually we were visiting each other’s houses back and forth.  So do I like Kim?  It would be nice to have her over again, with some changed to how frequent I hang and how long. Occasional stay-overs would be cool. Occasional hangouts outside would be cooler since I can go home without begging for a ride.The importance here would be to find an ideal situation for a good friendship balance. My friendship balance with her is alot more distanced from her than what I’d imagined, I’m surprised, myself, but this is how comfortable I actually am around her, and not right now.  What should I improve to make this work- am I capable of these improvements?  I will have to definitely be capable of maintaining emotional distance from her. I will also have to be even more straightforward with my insecurity with her and to be nice about it. I will also have to definitely organize not only my personal life and time around her, but also “union board me” and “friend me” (via Alexis the dumb adviser, shitty I have to agree to this). This includes knowing when to call her out on certain things, and when to not, when to wait until the time is crucial. I’m definitely rooting for only mentioning things she’s doing “wrong” or “difficult” if it has become a large issue, she wants/asks my opinion, but also when there is a huge need to-- do not be “helpful” as a friend as an assistant director.  As a friend I will also need to not talk about work related things too much, if the topic comes up I will have to maintain my assistant director viewpoint. I will focus on being straightforward, to voice my opinion in other things, to joke and proceed as usual-- but I will need to clarify my own needs, to organize and manage my own time, and learn to mind my own business, but still be considerate to others. This consideration definitely has to include certain comparisons and mentioning of member/friend names to make a certain point to Kim (using Kade vs. Her was a really bad idea). The biggest issue I would have changing though, is that she will only contact you if she needs you, likes you, feels ready to talk to you, or has a specific reason she has to contact you. -- I will not ever, be able to catch her on my needs, ask her for a reliable favor, or maintain contact on stable ground. I will have to be okay with her being unreliable, expect inconsistency, and expect her to leave if she does one day and be okay with it. The thing is, it’s not that I’m not trusting her anymore, or the fact that I will never get emotionally close to her anymore either. The importance is placing trust in this negative factor of hers that I don’t like; placing trust in her consistency. In this case, I trust her to be consistent in being inconsistent, unreliable, and contacting me only on her terms. Now, I have to use these factors positively.  How?-- Usually people who act a certain way thinks it is completely normal to act this way, hence, I can act the same way and it will be justified. On the positive side, I only have to meet with her when both of us truly want to , she will never be two-sided if I do meet her, and if she hits me up that means she actually enjoys my company. When she doesn’t, she has a clear no, and whatever I send her is simply answered as ‘no’. I will have to read her action as the response, and not wait for an actual response. In general, I do like Kim a bit. Not the absolute dismay if I have lost her already, but knowing these changes, I feel better already, and I think I’m capable of these changes. This will lead to a way more casual friendship (as friendships should be in some ways?), and I think is balanced for our current closeness. We are still somewhat strangers and I think its good to clarify where we stand and how to move from this step.  As far as the improvement goes, I will see her Tuesday, and I will not stay extra hours unless she asks. If she reads my messages, messages me again to hang, that means we are not as done as I thought. But also I will see her replying at all as a sign of friendship, if not, I will appropriately see it as an end and leave it at that.  The rest? I need to chill and freak out less too quickly. Holding a casual feel is the best thing I can do. 

So here’s a list for me:

(1) Maintaining emotional distance (2) Straightforward communication of insecurities  (3) Be able to organize work and friendship separately  (3(a) -- Holding back opinions during work (she is the director) (3(b) -- Continue as usual but maintain assistant director attitude on certain topics, but also be considerate. 

(4) Trust in her consistency: she will only contact her if she wants to, she is unreliable, and she will leave if she wants to. 

(4(a) I can act the same way and she will be okay. (5) Read her action, don’t wait for her response.  (5) (example:) Don’t stay if she doesn’t ask you to. Don’t go by her terms if I have other things to do.   Only meet her if she asks.  Don’t hang if you don’t want to. Ask her if you want to, but don’t expect a response.  Do not expect anything that you haven’t asked for.  Don’t ask too much because she may not be capable of it. If she offers, she is capable of it.  Let her lead until she asks you to help.