#and then noticing 5 million mistakes that I want to fix only after ive already posted it

[lagginguniverse]

Attack for @illym

[sparklyandchic]

🦋 MINI MIND MAKEOVER 🦋

okay i started the idea for this mini little mind makeover when i broke up with my boyfriend in like january. instead of being sad or angry, i wanted to be grateful for this time and take it as an opportunity to make life better for myself. then quarantine happened, so some of these are related to things i’ve learned since that started. either way, these aren’t all concrete things to do for your mind; some of them are just ways of thinking or pep talks. but if you can find one little piece of information or thought that makes you a little bit happier for a moment, that’s all i can hope for!

5-htp: okay first off- please ALWAYS consult your psychiatrist or medical professional before taking a supplement! taking 5-htp with, for example, serotonin-increasing medications can lead to a fatal illness called serotonin syndrome. personally, i started taking it because i had been on 10 mg prozac for a few months. it definitely dulled a lot of my anxiety and had a lot of positive aspects to it, but it dulled them almost too much to the point where i felt apathetic and detached from myself and the situations i was in. i was in a very unhealthy relationship and felt like i needed my mental clarity and “overthinking” processes back in order to identify what i was feeling and how to deal with it. i felt a lot more “sensitive” after coming off it, which was actually really welcome for me at first, but then it sort of dropped off into withdrawals. i was having constant panic attacks and crying very often. after a while, i was debating going back on prozac, but remembered i had taken 5-htp before. 5-htp is an amino acid that is a direct precursor to serotonin being produced in the brain. when u eat turkey, tryptophan is converted into 5-htp which leads to your brain producing serotonin, thus why you feel calm and happy afterwards. after taking 5-htp for just a few days, ranging between 200-300 mg per day (again, do your research, ask your doctor, and start small) i stopped crying constantly and really felt this sense of calmness and wellbeing but without the detachment and apathy i felt with prozac. i could still think clearly but didn’t feel overly sensitive to every emotion which arose. personally, it is really a lifesaver and really does make a noticeable difference.

cognitive behavioral therapy: ive tried therapy a million times. well okay, like 5 or 6 different therapists. at its worst, therapists told me i needed to use my sexual power as a woman in order to get what i wanted from men, told me i’m bad at socializing and should do group therapy, said my mom shouldn’t have encouraged me to “be myself” when i was younger because it made me less likeable than if i had conformed to normal societal standards of dressing. i had gone to “therapists” who claimed to be trained in CBT, but when i told them about my experiences with dissociation, the only feedback i got was to “take more baths.” while going through a few unpleasant experiences in my personal life, i decided i should try CBT once more, but like the real kind. i found an ivy-league educated licensed psychologist (NOT a “licensed clinical social worker” who doesn’t even have a psychology degree!!) who SPECIALIZED specifically in cognitive behavioral therapy. just after the first session, i was so elated with my experience. as opposed to just telling me that i needed to be more normal or more kind or a better person, she tried to identify WHAT was making me feel that way about myself in the first place. she pointed out the positive things i do and reassured me i was kind, good, and deserving of good things. she pointed out many aspects of my situation that would have taken me days or weeks to come to on my own. i’ve realized my hubris isn’t that i’m not socially acceptable or not perfect enough, but its just that i tend to THINK that i am these things despite having no evidence of it. so, over time with therapy, my positive self image about who i am as a person has grown and strengthened and i dont just randomly feel like a bad human being anymore lol. moral of the story, if you wanna do therapy but it keeps sucking, dont give up. go to a legit psychologist, find someone who specializes in the type of therapy you’re seeking, and also be vocal during your sessions. stand up to your psychologist when they continually push a narrative onto you, and explain why you don’t agree with it. sometimes it’s their job to try different narratives to see what fits, and if you just passively let them say what they want to, you’ll never find the truth of your experience! it’s a communal effort! therapy isn’t usually a magic cure-all where one session fixes everything that goes awry in your brain. but if you find someone who knows what they’re doing they can in fact really help your thought processes become less twisted up and more clear and healthy.

meditation and mindfulness: a few weeks ago i felt anxious and overly driven to get things done to the point where i spiraled into a space of guilt or a panic attack over not getting enough things done. meditation can be so so helpful here. it’s better to spend an hour sitting and doing nothing, but doing it peacefully and then calmly moving on to doing something else, than to spend 5 hours stressing yourself over every single thing you need to get done and how much time you’re wasting. the things that need to get done will get done. another thing that i’ve realized and say to myself a lot is: “focus not on doing all things perfectly, but on doing the small things well.” by this i mean, stop thinking about the 20 things you need to get done and how it all needs to be perfect, but instead take your time with the task that presents itself as most beneficial right now and focus on enjoying it and giving your whole self to the process. for example, stop thinking about how you need to clean your room, your closet, donate clothes, take a shower, take out the trash, read, workout, etc. think to yourself; “which task would bring me the most joy right now?” if the answer is taking a shower, then take that damn shower. bring your speaker into the bathroom, scrub every inch of your scalp with shampoo, scrub your feet and behind your ears and your neck with body wash, brush the conditioner through your hair fully. you may end your shower with 19 other things to do, but god damn if you can’t enjoy a single one of them and be present for it, what’s the fucking point! go light a candle and bask in its glow, go make your bed and huddle up in your neatly arranged covers, go take a long bath or a thorough shower, and be proud of and content with that today. 

relationships, with others and yourself: okay, if you missed the memo, my ex-boyfriend sucked. like genuinely was a bad person. he was a drug dealer, so that’s red flag number 1 (which i ignored of course), he hadn’t graduated high school (he was 18, i was 20, he was supposed to graduate the last semester but refused to do the work and ignored me and his mother when encouraged to do it, which is uhh definitely red flag number 2 which i also ignored), he habitually did not show up for dates on time or lied about what he was going to do or what he did (literally everything he did was a red flag and i rlly ignored all of it). the worst part was how he responded when i worked up the courage to speak to him about it. if we had agreed upon a time for our date but he showed up literally 8 hours late, he would blame it on me because i “could have called” him, or that i was “demanding too much of” him, or that i “should have said something earlier so now [i was] just dragging it out because it already happened.” basically, whatever narrative he pushed at me, i eventually gave into. i’ve dealt with gaslighting in a relationship before and a part of me knew what was happening to me, but a part of me also kept having hope for him, kept empathizing with him, kept wanting to believe in him. after a bit too much time, i finally realized you have to trust yourself, empathize with yourself, and believing in yourself over anyone else. at first i felt bad for him not being able to graduate because i had my own struggles with high school and getting work done. i thought he may have issues but he deserves someone to be there for him because i wanted someone to be there for me. despite the pain and stress he was causing me, i sat around crying over him because i cared about him and tend to over-empathize with people close to me, whether they deserve it or not. my therapist told me something that at first i did not understand, but over time came to grasp in its entirety: “some people do not deserve your love or kindness.” after our first session, my homework was to “consider when you are being kind and when you are being taken advantage of.” this made me realize that what feels like your instinctual nature to be nice to others, can in fact be a self-sabotaging unfair action, depending on the other person’s response. i might be dishing out a lot right now, but bear with me. think of it this way: you regard an action as a “kind action”. you might think “kind actions” include: forgiving someone for large mistakes, putting someone’s needs over yours, sparing them some change when they ask for it, listening to the problems they are dealing with every day. BUT when their actions include not forgiving you for minor mistakes, not giving a sh*t about your needs or considering them, not caring how much money they take from you and how much money you need to have around, or habitually glossing over your problems because it doesn’t benefit them to care, THEN those actions you performed are NOT “KIND ACTIONS” anymore. the act of continuing to give them leeway is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of giving them money is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of buying into their story at the expense of your sanity, is now the act of being taken advantage. basically, all i’m saying is START PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST AND TRUSTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND. 

ending thoughts: i know quarantine is difficult right now. the desire to grow contrasted with the inability to move. maybe try and follow that old 2008~ quote; “bloom where you are planted”. you might not be able to reach the goals you thought you would during this time. you might not be able to run a marathon or make a bunch of new friends or wake up at 6 AM to workout or redo your bedroom or get a rhinoplasty or join a gym or get an internship. working towards productivity might be unrealistic right now. but you can work everyday towards becoming the woman you want to be, mentally. you can work on learning to be content, learning to make the best with what you have, learning to appreciate the little things, learning to slow down. these are all qualities that i for one want to have just as much as i want to be attractive or successful. if you can’t enjoy success, what’s the fucking point! life is on pause right now, take this moment as a gift and consider your internal world and what parts of your mind need a makeover. there are horrible things happening in the world right now, do what you can to help, but if you’re safe and healthy then be grateful for the things you can learn from this difficult time. take it slow, but keep moving forward! 

[sinfulcries2]

colors ; fan chengcheng

Hey thots, its your lesbian jesus back on tumblr. sO like ive decided to pick my lazy ass up and write some imagines, hope yall missed me :( this is totally not inspired by some real life shit  

chengcheng meets his inspiration, the girl in his dreams

Chengcheng was a painter. he loved to paint. his passion for painting came from his sister, Fan Bingbing, a famous painter who was known not only in china, but all around the world. the colors he mixed and the paintings he painted, were all in his mind. and all the future works he planned to paint were also planned out in his mind. the only problem that he was encountering is his lack of motivation and inspiration. looking at the flowers outside his window seemed dull, even though they stood out in many different colors. looking at the stars in the sky seemed boring, even though they formed different constellations with a meaning behind it. he didnt bother looking for inspiration nor motivation, so he stopped painting. the vibrant hues of yellows and reds have been forgotten, and same goes for the blues and oranges. all the colors he possibly could think of, were not a priority anymore.

chengcheng woke up at approximately 2:30 am on a saturday morning. beads of sweat covered his body and he woke up panting. 'another weird dream' he thought. chengcheng sighed and covered himself in his blankets. he recalled his dream awhile ago. a girl who was dancing in her own style, but she had something unique in her, she shined in all the different colors possible. her hair exploding in hues of bright yellows and browns, her skin glowing, her clothes of orange, and her eyes. her eyes of brown. chengcheng ruffled his hair in frustration, but came to a stop when he felt a rush of motivation and inspiration come through his body. he gasped and in shock. "this cant be true..." he whispers, images of that colorful girl comes through his head like a storm. he never felt that way in years, and it surprised him that all of it came back.

chengcheng couldnt take it anymore.

he stood up from his bed, opening his lamp before walking to the corner of his room where his easel and paints were located. he gulped nervously grabbing the paint brush and opening a jar of orange colored paint. he dipped his brush into the warm pigment and started dragging his brush in different directions across the canvas. with shaky hands, he continued to paint with different colors and strokes, until he continued to paint the mysterious girl in his dreams.

the girl who stood out in his dream, orange clothes, brown hair, glowing skin skin, brown eyes...

it was all perfect for chengcheng. he looked at his work proudly before leaning the canvas on the wall with care. he already noticed that the sun was slowly peaking, so he looked at the clock which read 5:15 a.m. he sighed again, and looked at his work with curiosity. he mumbled, "who exactly are you?"

y/n cursed, falling down on the floor after making a mistake learning a choreography she has been wanting to learn lately. she stood up lazily and walked over to the bench at the side of the room. she grabbed her water bottle and chugged half of the contents inside. she then wipes the dripping sweat on her forehead with her sweater. just then her best friend, Wenjun walked inside the room holding two sandwiches. one for himself and one for the latter. "dont overwork yourself y/n" the older says worriedly, seeing the bags under the poor girl’s eyes. he hands y/n the sandwich, to which she takes and eats immediately. wenjun chuckles and ruffles her air enthusiastically. "youre hard working, y/n, just dont overwork yourself okay?" he says looking at the younger with sincere. the latter nods in return, "thanks for the sandwich gege" she says with her mouth full, showing wenjun a gross smile. "dont talk while your mouth is full!" he says with disgust while y/n can only laugh at his statement.

"by the way, were going to the art store now, we need new log books" wenjun says while fixing his hair. "ohh alright ill just change" y/n says while the older just nods. after a few minutes, y/n comes back in a  orange sweater and some denim ripped jeans. "alright, sunshine, lets go!" wenjun chirped grabbing y/n hand and dragging her to the nearby art store.

"cheng! breakfast is ready!" bingbing, shouted from dowstairs. the boy groaned and tossed his phone to the side. he groggily walked down the stairs and made his way to the dining table, which had a variety of chinese food and fruits served. "looks like you didnt get some sleep" his mom says worriedly. "i had a weird dream" he says sighing. Bingbing looked at chengcheng curiously leaning her head on her arms. "what was it about di?" she asked. chengcheng ruffled his hair for the 3rd time already and ate his breakfast quietly. "a girl..." he mumbles. his sister rolled her eyes and looked at the latter. "what is it-" chengcheng cut her off by running towards the door and opening it. "bYE JIE IM GONNA BUY SOME PAINTS!" he said and slammed the door shut. bingbing sat there in amusement. "he found his inspiration i see..." she smiled happily. 

chengcheng arrived at the store quite quickly, as it was just a few blocks away from his home. he scrolled through the paint aisle carefully, looking for acrylic paints that would match his painting with the boy. he heard a pair of footsteps walking towards the direction of the store, and two people talking quite loudly. "ge! i also need to buy paints for zhengting-ge! he needs to give them as a gift to xukun-ge" the younger sounding voice explained. chengcheng's eyes widened in shock when he heard the name xukun being mentioned.

cai xukun is a fairly well known painter he was following on weibo. he is known for his abstract paintings, and has 10 million followers on weibo. chengcheng took a glimpse of the two people chatting to find Bi Wenjun, a singer/trainee he heard his bestfriend rave about some other day. and the gitl. the girl whom he found in his dreams. chengcheng's vision was filled with the familiar yellows and oranges he had seen in his dream. y/n on the other hand, looked at the good looking latter in front of him. he noticed the latters face and smiled brightly.

y/n made her way over to chengcheng with a bright smile on her face. "youre fan bingbing's sister, fan chengcheng right? the legendary painter who suddenly stopped painting" she said with a dazzle in her eyes. chengcheng was lost for words. someone called him a legendary painter for the first time. the latter's ears turned red and he grew flustered at the girl's compliment. "a-ah im not l-legendary, t-thats too high of a c-compliment" he says stuttering

The younger chuckles and shakes chengcheng's hand. "im y/n! im one of your admirers. i may not be a painter, but i am a future journalist!" she exclaims. The older slimes at y/n and says. "u-uh, ive been seeing you in my dreams lately and ive gotten into painting-". "ah ge, dont flatter me please" she blushes and hides his face in his hands. "im not kidding though! i painted you this morning!" he exclaims.

y/n could only bow at the legend infront of him. "ah ge, don't you think its fate?" she asks wiggling her eyebrows. chengcheng could only smile shyly. "HEY LOVE BIRDS! ITS TIME FOR Y/N TO GO!" wenjun shouted raising the new logbooks in his hand. "GE WE NEED TO BUY THE PAINTS!" y/n shouts back. wenjun walks over to the counter with paints and payed for them. "well i'll get going, hope to see you soon!" she says, a hint of sadness in her voice. y/n turned around and walked to wenjun who was impatiently holding the plastic bag. "WAIT!" chengcheng shouted, making her turn around.

"C-can i perhaps have your number?" chengcheng asked shyly. the latter grinned and walked over to chengcheng. "sure! bring out your phone ge" she smiled, while chengcheng handed his phone to the latter.

'i can paint you now, you are my inspiration, y/n' he thought, while a rush of colors flood into his mind, forming her with the most captivating smile he has ever seen.

[reversingxtime-blog]

Five Times Heartbroken

Send “Five Times ______ed” for a Drabble of 5 different times our characters… did that.

          // @avedonxsque

There are many different kinds of heartbreak; some are tiny, minuscule. Others are saddening, probably probably bringing on tears, but eventually you get past it and move on. Then there’s the heartbreak that’s so crippling that it brings on depression, followed by a hollow, numb feeling, and you feel as though you’ll never be able to move on. Max and Victoria have felt these sorts of heartbreak before, and most definitely would in the future.

i. AVEDONESQUE.

‘I almost asked you to hang out, but then I remembered who I was.’‘Why not? It would’ve been cool to compare notes.’Max would be lying if she said the thought that Victoria stopped herself from trying to form a friendship with her was a bit disheartening. They might’ve gotten off on the wrong foot when they first met, but Max would’ve loved to've gotten along. In all honesty, she was surprised that Victoria had even been making an effort to become friends now– or at the very least, she was being civil. Sure, their setbacks were upsetting, but that didn’t mean that Max couldn’t start making an effort now.

ii. DARKROOM.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. When Max had initially warned Victoria about Nathan, she’d done it to protect her. Max only wanted her to be safe, and she’d let her down. Her heart ached at seeing the once regal queen bee in that sort of situation. She promised to get them out of that situation, only to photo jump, come back, and see that Victoria was gone.Her first thought was, ‘Oh good, she’s safe,’ only for Jefferson to crush that hopeful thought. Adding salt to the wound, she spotted the gold bracelet Mark planned to use in order to blame Nathan for Victoria’s death.All she could do was profusely apologize and promise to fix everything… again.

iii. ALTERNATE TIMELINE.

Max didn’t know the Victoria of this timeline, but judging by the journal entries, the text messages, and the like, made her come to the conclusion that this Max–or as Victoria had called her–Maxine wasn’t very nice. It was understandable that Maxine would want some time for herself, and judging by the texts, Victoria seemed only a tiny bit obsessive. Still, Max wondered how often this happened and couldn’t help but feel a little bad about how often Victoria was ignored or even given a snarky reply in response to something. Sure, she might not have really gotten the chance to properly get to know this Vic, but she still felt for the girl. She almost felt heartbroken for her.

iv. TROUBLE IN PARADISE.

Everything was supposed to be fixed– Chloe was gone, the bay was safe and sound, but Max found herself feeling like only a shell of a person. Victoria, surprisingly enough, had been there for her, and naturally, with the two so close, they wound up dating. Things went well for a while until Max started showing little to no signs of improvement, thus frustrating Victoria to no end.“I’ve lost people, too, Max.” She’d told her once Max tried to, once again, use one of her pathetic excuses. In Victoria’s eyes, Max was mourning the death of a girl she hadn’t spoken to in five years. Yes, of course it’s reasonable for her to be upset by the recent events, but they couldn’t have been close enough for Max to be as cripplingly, depressingly heartbroken as she was. Hell, Victoria’s best friend had been taken away in handcuffs, and besides that, she had her own problems that she was dealing with– and from the looks of it, she was doing a hell of a lot better of a job keeping herself in check than Max was. Needless to say, she’d finally had enough, and honestly, Max didn’t blame her.…That was the day Victoria removed herself from Max’s life. It was also the day that Max’s heart–what little bit of it that was left–shattered into a million tiny pieces.

v. SEATTLE.

Max, while having recovered some, was still a mess. She was taking a break from college, a break from any hopes of a career in photography, and moved back in with her parents. Even with them worrying over her and doing their best to make her take care of herself. Honestly, if one didn’t know any better, they’d probably mistake her for a homeless person. Tattered converse, ripped skinny jeans, and a worn hoodie that she seemed to wear all the time. It had once belonged to Victoria, and even though she knew she should’ve gotten rid of it a long time ago, Max couldn’t let it go. After losing all contact with the blonde, it was all Max had left, and as sad as it was, Max was still having a hard time moving on.Distracting herself by walking down to a nearby cafe was one of the best ways she knew how to keep her mind off of…things– Victoria included (though that might be easier if she lost the hoodie). It had become routine, almost. It had gotten to the point where the baristas knew her name, and order by heart. They didn’t even need to ask, and they’d even surprise her sometimes by having it already made up for her the moment she walked through the door.This day in particular, however, she’d just entered the shop, moving to make her way towards the counter when she accidentally bumped into someone from behind. Max hadn’t even noticed them moving in front of her, and the next thing she knew, they were spinning around to yell at her, but stopping mid-sentence.It took a second for it all to register, but when it did, Max could only blankly stare at the beautiful face of Victoria Chase, greatly resembling a deer in headlights. Her mouth opened to speak, but nothing came out. A plethora of memories came flooding back to her, and her chest grew tight, heart pounding.She’d only been reunited with Victoria Chase for point five seconds, and the girl was already breaking her heart all over again.