#and then next week is more pointless on the new gym leader

[caoimhe-from-hoenn]

Gonna spend today sleeping happy sunday you fools

[lambourngb]

a skeleton of something more [3/7]

previously here. malex wip based on the trailer for season 3, some spoilers and my own speculation. I’m failing at the daily serial because keeping to 2K is impossible, but hoping to have it finished by next week.

Warnings: NSFW content, not forrest long friendly

*** NOW **** 

Alex shut off the streaming hot water reluctantly, and shifted back on the new shower bench to lean his head against the tile. 

His fingertips were pruned from the long shower, his attempt at using the scalding water to try to wash away the dirt he felt covered in after being away from Roswell for so long. Pointless endeavour, when he knew the filth was more than skin deep at this point. It was in his bones. It was in his blood, the way the Manes name still opened the worst doors. Alex touched the corners of his smile with his hands, looking for the edge of the mask he wore around Deep Sky and finding only the bristle of his beard growing in, a very late five o’clock shadow.

The steam of the shower was slowly fading, bringing back the visual details of his naked body. His stump was slightly swollen, the marks of wearing his prosthesis for too long, but it was hard to feel safe without it on, doing the work he was doing around even more paranoid men than he was. Three years past his injury, the scars were still ugly to his eyes as he cupped his fingers over the end of his right leg, but time had faded the lines from an angry red to a wizened white. 

Alex hoped that time would do the same to his soul. 

He moved his hand from his stump, over to his thighs to stretch the lingering soreness from his legs. He ignored where his cock laid, half-full of blood from the simple pleasure of a hot shower; the desire to let himself feel good was far from his mind. Instead he focused on returning functionality to his body after the long, cramped ride on that bus. That was the physical challenge, the emotional one would be trickier. 

It helped that he knew Michael was still there, in his house, probably fixing something else that had been neglected during Alex’s time away. Finding something that was broken or damaged, and then making it whole just with his touch, that was what Michael did naturally. Alex was no exception to that.

Every muscle was loose finally, thanks to the improved water pressure beating on the knots of tension until they turned into putty. Beyond the simple improvement of the plumbing, Michael had also relocated the shower taps to the wall next to the bench, so he could sit safely and turn on the water without balancing on one foot in the front of the stall. 

New grab bars lined the bathroom walls as well. Alex had worried about the expense until he recognized the chrome and black rails from the boxes he had bought a while ago, before shuttling them off to the garage. Michael had apparently found the abandoned project and had finished it for him. The longer the trips he made away from Roswell were, the more involved the upgrades Michael made in his absence. He would need to prepare a cover story in case Forrest noticed the changes, a renovated bathroom went far beyond changing out bulbs in a light fixture.

He was getting closer to ending the sham relationship with Forrest, but he wasn’t there quite yet. His first night back in Roswell he had managed to steer Forrest away from his house and more importantly, his bed, but that was only a temporary reprieve. Tomorrow it would all begin again, playing the role of a grieving son looking to ‘understand’ his father, docilely following Forrest’s lead in ‘discovering’ the alien threat, letting the other man comfort him, but this time, that would all happen in front of Michael. 

Michael knocked on the half-open bathroom door to get his attention, before stepping inside carrying a bath towel. “Are you still alive in there?”

“I am, but I want to marry this shower,” and you, he finished silently. Michael looked pleased by the comment as he stood outside the glass doors, waiting patiently as Alex pulled himself up from the bench and carefully hopped toward him. As he drew closer, the proud expression changed to one of open hunger as Michael took in his nakedness, cataloging the changes on his body. Downtime while he had been away from Roswell had often been filled with trips to the gym, exercising to work through his frustration at the slow pace of developments regarding Deep Sky. Weight lifting and core training had kept his hands away from his phone when the desire to check in with Michael took hold.

There was only so many times he could pass off a call to Michael about his mail or paying a bill for his house.

Alex held out his hand for the towel, while Michael stared at him, his gaze almost physical as he lingered over the swells of muscle. He snapped his fingers at Michael to break the hypnosis.

At the sound, Michael blinked, but then avoided his hand to wrap the towel around Alex himself. Warmth from the soft linen enveloped Alex, a sign the towel was fresh from the drier. He closed his eyes under Michael’s safe hold, enjoying the blatant pampering as Michael gently patted Alex’s wet skin dry. “I don’t mind sharing you with the shower, especially if it means you’re not wearing clothes,” he murmured in Alex’s ear, nosing the lock of wet hair away.

Shivering under the ghost of Michael’s lips, Alex felt something start to knit and heal inside him, blanketed by more than just the towel. Love. Feeling more like himself, Alex teased Michael back, “You could have joined me.”

“It was tempting, very tempting, but then who would have made dinner if I had taken you up on that offer?” Michael tucked the towel around Alex, and then offered his arm as a support while Alex hopped toward the pile of folded sweats to wear. 

“I have a lot of appetites, Michael, food is barely in the top five. And I can eat later, after you leave,-” Alex held his clothes in his hand, not moving to get dressed just yet. 

“You can, but you won’t eat. As soon as I walk out that door, I know you’re going to park yourself in front of your computer and spend the rest of the night hacking, just like you’ve done nearly every night since this started.” Michael waited with a raised eyebrow for Alex to deny it. 

Caught by both the frustration that Michael was right and by the ticking clock in his head that counted down the end of this precious time together, Alex conceded. He pulled his sweatshirt down over his head grumpily, “I didn’t spend every night hacking.”

“Just the nights when you weren’t with Forrest Long.” Michael said it quietly, turning away to hang up the wet towel. 

Alex tucked his crutches under his arms, before reaching out to catch Michael’s shoulder. “Hey, it doesn’t mean anything, you know that, right? It’s just…friction.” He studied Michael’s face, worried that perhaps his patience with everything was wearing thin. 

Over the last year, as he moved deeper and deeper into the circle of men that made up Deep Sky, Michael had been his lifeline to his real identity. A voice on the line, late at night, warm and beloved, reminding Alex what was important and keeping him grounded. During the day, his resolve had felt less certain. He had forced himself to echo the words of Jesse Manes to curry favor, ducking his reflection in the mirror when the hateful words started to come easier and easier to him. Then there was the feeling he had, when he had to accept Forrest’s offers to visit him in Los Alamos, the way he had felt weirdly relieved to see a familiar face, even if it was someone he couldn’t trust. 

Hearing Michael’s voice led him back to himself, and then little by little, the updates were less mission-related and more personal. It had led them back to each other. By the second month, Michael had stopped dancing around things, admitting to Alex just how much he missed him and by the third month, Alex was slipping away to meet with him at half-way destinations to seal his words with actions.

It was reminiscent of his early days in the Air Force, finding Michael in out-of-the-way places where no one knew them. Back then, Alex had DADT and military physicals to dodge. Michael had to take care in leaving no marks on Alex’s body, while Alex had had no such restriction. Michael would leave those encounters, mauled with love bites and fucked thoroughly, while Alex stayed as pristine as his neatly pressed uniform. Eleven, twelve years on, the need for discretion had changed, from the military to Forrest Long. 

That was the elephant in the room. Alex was still having sex with Forrest, mostly when he couldn’t avoid it with a trip out of town, like when he accompanied Forrest to Deep Sky owned properties. It was just friction, putting his body in motion to do a job, much like he had when he had deployed abroad. He had lost any amount of shame for what he was doing to the other man after the first time, when he had found a detailed write-up about his own visit to the Long Farm that Forrest had filed and sent to the mysterious leader of Deep Sky.

“I know.” Michael replied, his smile weak but real as Alex brought him closer for a slow, thorough kiss. 

Alex inhaled the scent of rain into his nose as Michael melted in his arms and the kiss deepened between them. This was the opposite of friction, as they slid easily together in the doorway of the bathroom, until Alex’s stomach betrayed him thoroughly and growled. Michael broke away with a laugh, and Alex noted with relief that his earlier fragility had completely vanished from his eyes, as he headed toward the kitchen, “Come on, I made you your favorite for dinner, spicy tomato soup.”

“With strips of cheese toast?”

Michael looked offended at the question. “Of course.”

That was proof that Michael had been listening to him closely during their late night conversations, the way the subject migrated from business to the personal, until Alex had flat out whined over how terrible the food was at one of the Deep Sky outfits. “Forget looking for aliens, they should look for a new chef.”  And then they were off and running about comfort food, with Michael sharing his fondness for canned spaghettios, they tasted fine cold. Sharing his own fond memory from childhood of his mother making soup as a rare show of maternal care. Melted cheese dripped over cut up toast, then dipped in the tomato soup.

The clock was still ticking in his head, counting down the end of this brief interlude of happiness. Alex laid back on his couch with a tray of soup on his lap and tried to soak in every minute. The thrill of sharing a meal together, sitting side by side on his couch with the evening news droning on in the background. It was a type of domesticity that he never thought he had wanted until Michael. His thoughts turned away from the wholesome toward the carnal as he watched Michael pucker his lips together to blow on the steaming bowl. 

The food was delicious, but that was a distracting sight for anyone, let alone someone who knew just what Michael’s mouth was capable of doing. 

Michael flashed a wicked smile when he caught Alex staring, picking up his strip of toast to dip in his soup and then licked it indecently clean. The perfect bow of his mouth around his food, his tongue chasing his lips for every drop of spilled soup had Alex shifting on the couch. The production lasted until Michael hit a hot place in his bowl, squeaking in shock, sending Alex into a peal of laughter at the affronted look on his face.

“Fuck, that’s hot!”

“Yes it was.”

“Asshole, I meant the soup!”

Alex laughed long and hard, his head tipped back against the couch, and after a moment, Michael joined him. Tears came to his eyes, the laughter set off each time they looked at each other. There was a point, where Alex realized he couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed like that, at least not in the last year outside of talking to Michael on the phone. 

It was worth it. All of it. Infiltrating Deep Sky, spending half of his time around people who would cheerfully murder an alien, even using sex to get information, the price was not too steep to pay if it meant he could protect this moment, preserve it and repeat it forever. To see laugh lines around Michael’s mouth, instead of the press of fear, he would fuck the Devil himself if it meant Michael was safe.

He slowly sobered on the couch, his laughter gone at the thought of losing this. Michael placed their empty dishes in the kitchen and then drew Alex’s foot into his lap to rub. “I can practically see the gears turning now. Relax, okay? Watching the clock doesn’t help.”

“I know,” Alex agreed quietly, pressing his foot into Michael’s grip. “I’m feeling a little guilty here, with all this pampering.” 

Michael dug his thumbs into Alex’s instep, drawing a loud groan of appreciation as he worked on releasing the knots of stress. Too much time in combat boots, the calluses were thick and tough under Michael’s hands but he kept rubbing regardless. 

“If that guilt motivates you into taking better care of yourself-”

“I know, I am trying. But what about you?” Alex gestured toward Michael’s face with his own look of judgment, “are you sleeping enough? Eating enough?”

“I’m also trying. It will be better once this is over. Once you get to meet the head of Deep Sky, and hack him, we’ll both sleep better.”

“If it’s ever over. I’m starting to think the leader of Deep Sky is like the Dread Pirate Roberts.”

Instead of pulling on the threads of pessimism, Michael tugged on Alex’s ankle as he crawled closer to him on the couch. As a subject change, it was a welcome one to Alex. Why dwell on the future, it was better to enjoy the present. Michael’s hands smoothed over the soft fleece of the sweatpants, sending a thrill of excitement through Alex. He slipped down on the seat to allow Michael room. 

“Is it okay to pamper you a little more?” Michael asked, his eyes dark as his fingers slipped inside the waistband of Alex’s sweats. He teased at the taut muscles, stroking his fingers over the soft rasp of hair trailing downward. 

“What did you have in mind?” 

“When’s the last time someone’s sucked this big dick of yours?”

There was a dark hint of teasing in Michael’s voice, he was daring Alex to say a name. Forrest’s name. It was the type of playful provocation they could use with each other now, safely, the result of their late night phone calls to each other. When time was valued, what was the point of secrets between them? 

Alex licked his lips absently, giving Michael a thorough head to toe look of consideration, before answering honestly, “It was in Santa Fe. At the Silver Saddle Motel. A very hot cowboy sucked me until I was hard, and then rode my dick all night long.” 

Michael blinked, not expecting that answer, but pinked in pleasure. “Oh…well then, you’ve been deprived because that was months ago.” He pulled down on Alex’s sweats, letting the band of elastic tuck neatly under his balls and sat back to admire the view. Alex shifted under his eyes, his cock straining upward as Michael bent his head down. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, he’s a short guy, all of this probably doesn’t fit in his mouth,” Michael commented, wrapping his palm around Alex’s cock firmly.

“Yeah,” Alex gasped, hitching up into Michael’s grip, “small mouth, it’s hard to even kiss, impossible to fuck-” His voice gave out as Michael licked the bead of pre-cum with tip of his tongue before stretching his mouth wide. There was a way that Michael approached cock-sucking that Alex could never get over. The look of hunger and that deep breath he always took, as if he had to hold himself back to keep from gorging himself on Alex’s cock. 

Alex had been deprived. Very deprived.

Slowly Michael slid his lips down on Alex’s cock, taking him deep into his mouth. His tongue, warm and firm, dragged downward. Alex cried out in pleasure, it felt so good, his hips rocking upward imperceptibly as his iron-strong control was rocked by Michael. He kept his eyes trained on Michael’s mouth, the reddening stretch of his lips wrapped tightly around his cock. Michael looked up, catching his eye and then bobbed his mouth downward.

Reaching downward, Alex placed his hand against Michael’s jaw and traced his thumb around the edge of his mouth. “So good, you take me so well, Michael.”

The praise had Michael blinking in pleasure before he redoubled his efforts in sucking. Alex gasped again, sinking deeper into Michael’s throat until his lips were kissing the sparse hair, down to the root. Fuck. He was ready to come already. Worse than the clock sweeping toward the end of the evening, was his body ready to end it now.

“Close, I’m gonna-” Alex warned, his hands going to Michael’s shoulders. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to pull Michael off of him, or keep Michael in place to feed him his cock in case he backed away as Alex teetered on the edge of orgasm. His grip clutched uselessly on him, but Michael showed no signs of stopping his efforts. 

Kicking at the couch cushion, he lost the fight to hold back, as he felt his cock hit the back of Michael’s throat. There was a tightening around him, throat muscles working hard to swallow, and then Michael wrapped his hand back around the base of Alex’s cock to stroke him in time with his sucking. His free hand gently squeezed Alex, before rubbing a knuckle along the seam of his balls to his perineum. The outside touch against his prostate was enough to have Alex coming hard down Michael’s throat.

God it was so good. Michael knew every place to touch him. He knew to keep his mouth on Alex as he came, swallowing his release sloppily, until come and saliva leaked from his lips. It was over far too fast, but Michael held on until Alex felt the tears of overstimulation burn in his eyes. Slowly Michael softened his lips, letting Alex’s spent cock slip lazily from his messy mouth and then met Alex’s gaze with a knowing glint.

Michael knew exactly how depraved he looked. 

It was too soon to get hard again, but Alex felt the twinge of it as he stared at Michael. His hands were greedy, cupping Michael’s face between them before wiping up the spill from Michael’s lips with his thumb. Two could play at that game, he thought as he brought it to his mouth. 

“Fuck,” Michael swore softly, “Look at you, tasting yourself.”

“I’d rather taste you,” Alex patted the couch he was laying down on and straightened his disheveled sweatpants. “Take off those jeans and wrap those great thighs of yours around my head and let me suck you.”

“Actually, I’d rather take you to bed.”

Alex glanced at the clock behind Michael. It was close to midnight. He knew based on experience that Forrest would be by in the morning with coffee, before Alex was fully awake. It was a transparent way of trying to catch him off guard, to see if Alex would slip up with news about Michael, or any other alien. After every short trip back to Roswell, the other man had made sure to find an excuse to be in Alex’s house. 

“I know I can’t stay, but I don’t want to leave.”

“I never want you to leave either.” Alex chewed on his lower lip, as Michael waited. Sensing his advantage, he tilted his head seductively, spilling his curls over one eye and then made a transparent pleading face at Alex. Laughing, Alex conceded, “Okay, okay, you can stay for a little while. Help me to bed, and set an alarm.”

*** 

[finitepeace]

Stony I’ve read this week

(nothing left to lose) by romanoff

Summary: An alternate universe where Steve wins the Civil War.

It doesn't go well for Tony.

explicit 29k in 5 chapters tonyxoc

Phantom by Del_Rion  💙

Summary: After Steve gets mysteriously possessed by dark magic, the Avengers must contain the situation and save their leader without losing their own lives in the process. Steve keeps escaping, however – and unerringly migrates towards Tony every time.

28k words, mature

Shadow in the Stream by  Azul_Bleu

Summary: Caught in the grips of spectacular hangovers, the Avengers wish Tony wasn't around to enable them, and a power decides to grant them their wish: a world without Tony Stark. How do you change reality back to normal without your resident genius billionaire playboy philanthropist, anyway?

24k words, 4 chapters,

The Corrupt and the Pure by  Del_Rion

Summary: When the Steve Rogers from an alternate universe appears in the middle of the Avengers Tower, two worlds are about to collide: one where Captain America became the tool of HYDRA and fell into a relationship with the hero Iron Man – and one where Tony and Steve are tentatively getting along. The latter are forced to reconsider their relationship when the Commander kidnaps Tony to replace his dead lover. 

48k, 45 chapters, explicit

And The Void Would Be Calling. by jadedoll  💙

Summary: Tony could be suffering from amnesia, a hitch-hiker from a parallel dimension, a ghost or maybe a time-traveller. He's sure he could work out the answer if Steve would just stop pretending he was Tony's boyfriend.

explicit, 17k words

The Good or Bad Thing by petreparkour

Summary: “It’s the metal suit,” Thor informed Steve, his normally-booming voice tinny over the SHIELD comms. “What did Stark call it—Iron Man?”

“But he’s down here,” Steve protested as the Hulk roared in Stark’s face, startling him into waking with a shout. “How could—”

“It’s damaged,” Thor reported. “But it looks different. More advanced. And he—ah. He’s carrying you, Captain.”

“Please tell me nobody kissed me,” Stark breathed out, and then Stark’s voice suddenly came over the comms, but the man lying next to him hadn’t moved.

“Guys, come on, you’re killing me here. What is it, 2012? God, I hate time travel. First, I'm fighting Thanos. Now, I have to deal with my past self and Thor's bad haircut? Oh my God, Cap, yes I hacked their comms, they’re my comms.”

Steve nearly opened his mouth to protest that he hadn’t said anything when he realized that this replica of Tony Stark wasn’t speaking to him.

teen&up, 10k words

Childhood is the Kingdom Where Nobody Dies by  MemoryDragon

Summary: Seven-year-old Tony Stark wakes up on a Hydra base, lost, afraid, and alone. He has to overcome his fears before it's too late for the Avengers and Captain America.

Mature, 31k words

Birds of a Feather by LoquitorLatinae

Summary: Tony only ever wanted to be an Alpha with bright feathers, a huge wingspan, and attitude. But he was an Omega, and while he still has the attitude, his lot in life as dictated by society leaves a lot to be desired. But he was Tony Stark, and he wasn’t going to let anything get in his way—though he wouldn’t necessarily be against the company of a certain Alpha Capsicle.

mature, 19k words in 2 chapters

Cherry Ride by copperbadge

Summary: A SHIELD agent named Roger Stevens told Tony that his nickname was "Cap". Tony didn't connect the dots until it was much, much too late.

12k words in 2 chapters, explicit

Won't Live in Regrets by GotTheSilver

Summary: 2012 branching timeline.

*

Brushing the shattered glass off himself, Steve stands up, puts the sceptre back in the case and looks around. There’s no sign of his double, and Steve doesn’t understand how he’s ended up back with the sceptre when his double was so determined to get it. There’s an echo in his ear and he’s reminded he’s still linked to the rest of the team. “Stark? Anyone? What’s happening?”

“Tony had a minor incident,” comes Natasha’s voice in his ear. “He’s being looked at. Where are you?”

“Lower floor, I’ve still got the sceptre.”

“I thought that was going with SHIELD?”

“So did I.”

21k words, mature,

Falling For You (Hook, Line, and Sinker) by  FestiveFerret  💙

Summary: After being thawed, Steve's adrift in the 21st century. There's nothing for him here, just the endless cycle of pre-packaged food, pointless training exercises, and long hours at the gym. But when he takes on a new project, it leads him to a new friend - one who might open up all kinds of new doors, new feelings, new experiences. Or might just break his heart.

62k words 17 chapters, explicit

Yes, Just Like This by gottalovev  💙

Summary:

Tony wakes up in a hospital on another planet missing his memories of the last eleven years. It's now 2023, and he learns the Avengers saved half the universe. Unfortunately, not everything he forgot is good news.

(An Endgame Alternate Universe AND Civil-War fix-it and get together story, weaved through a space road trip with Steve, Carol and Nebula. Complete but cut in 5 chapters for ease of reading.)

35k words in 5 chapters

[rainywritingsx]

Torn •BNHA X OC • Chapter 7

You can find the prologue for the story here and all of the previous chapters can be found on my masterlist! Also let me know if you’d like to be tagged in future chapters!

Yeeeesss I’m back with a new chapter!!! I’m so so happy that I finally have finished one again because boy I’ve got so many plans with this story and I hope y’all will enjoy it too ^^ also I was wondering if anyone wants me to make a seperate post where I explain the world here a little bit because I did change some things from the anime. Let me know what you think ^^ alsoooo if you’d like to leave a little tip for me, my ko-fi can be found here! Of course you don’t have to send anything, no hard feelings if you don’t ^^ anywayyy now onto the storyyyy

Words: 4028

The next day, Saturday, my life was back to normal. I woke up, ate breakfast, got ready and left the house as if nothing had happened the previous day. Being back felt extremely odd. It was as though I had finally realized where I truly belonged, and it definitely was not here. But life went on, I had to keep going. Leaving would be pointless, since my parents had a massive network so even if I tried my hardest to keep a low profile, I'd be found within the blink of an eye. Part of me also just didn't want to leave. While my parents were far from perfect, I still loved and cared about them. The same thing went for my brothers.

I knew that it was strange. I didn't think that positively of them, yet I loved and cared about them. Was it because we were connected by blood? Because they were the only people that had been with me all my life? I didn't know what exactly it was, but I didn't want to ponder about it too much.

"Guys, breakfast is ready!" My mom called out. Not much later, I heard loud footsteps running downstairs, making me chuckle silently. To say my brothers loved my mother's cooking was an understatement. After a little while I decided to get up as well and go downstairs. I entered the dining room and was met with my brothers and my father, who were having a conversation, and my mother who had just sat down and tried to follow the discussion. I quietly walked over to my usual spot at the dining table and took a seat. My mother turned to me and smiled brightly, her eyes filled with either extreme happiness or complete insanity.

"How did training go yesterday sweetie? You were already asleep by the time your dad and I got home, so you must've been exhausted." Oh right... I told them I went to the gym to train. It wasn't a complete lie. I did train at the UA entrance exam in a way.

"It went well, I just really pushed myself while training so that's why I immediately fell asleep." I lied, to which she nodded. I could hear a scoff next to me and without even looking I knew exactly who it was. Of course it was Malo, who could never celebrate any positive achievements of mine. A small silence filled the room, which my mother attempted to break after a little while.

"So, Malo," she began "how did your day at school go yesterday? You played in a school sports competition, didn't you?" a cocky smirk covered Malo's face as he nodded and took a bite of his food. I could feel that he was looking at me, probably wanting to see me jealous, but honestly I was just annoyed. Why was he like this to me? I didn't care about what he did, so why did he? Was it all simply because I was the one everyone expected to take over our parents' profession? That was all?

"You were awesome yesterday, bro!" Chobu said, his gaze filled with admiration for his older brother, who absolutely adored the attention he was receiving. The younger boy's gaze went to my father, who was just sipping his coffee and he didn't speak a word. Of course, he didn't care that much for extracurricular activities. When it was about training, or anything that had to do with villains however, he was all ears.

"You should've seen him, dad!" Chobu almost jumped out of his seat as he spoke.

"He was so fast! First he went-" He proceeded to move his hands in a quick motion to mimic what he had seen the previous day. "And then he just went like this and scored!" At this point he was almost radiating amazement, which I couldn't help but smile at.

Emry, my ten year old brother, didn't say that much as usual. He was more of a quiet type who enjoyed analysing more than talking and he seemed to actually like me unlike my two other brothers. We weren't that close as he was a lot younger, but he was a real sweetheart and I hoped he'd stay that like forever.

After we all finished eating, Chobu and Emry went back upstairs to play some games, Malo went to the living room, and I got up to go back to my room, when my father suddenly called out my name.

"Janie, your mother and I need to talk to you." My heart dropped to my stomach at those words as I stopped dead in my tracks. Flashbacks of yesterday went through my mind as I tried to remember if I had seen anything or anybody suspicious, but I didn't recall anything like that. Gosh, what if my parents were actually there? What if there were disguised villains present at the entrance exam and they told my parents? Oh my god why didn't I wear a mask while I was on my way to UA? Janie, you idiot!

Malo looked at me, his gaze saying I was screwed even though I knew he had no idea what it was about either. Chobu and Emry just silently left and I could almost feel myself breaking out in a cold sweat. It wasn't often that my father  would just say that he needed to talk to me. It wasn't even only him, but mother too!

"Okay, father." I replied coolly, when really everything in me was screaming to just leave. But then again, I could try and figure out a lie about why I took part in that exam. But would they believe me? Would they have a reason not to? I mean, they weren't aware of the fact that I didn't want to follow in their footsteps. While my brothers could probably tell I wasn't that excited about becoming a professional villain, they probably didn't think that I wanted to become a hero instead. While all of this was driving me insane, I just tried to appear calm and collected so I wouldn't seem strange.

I sat back down and looked at my father a little expectingly, silently playing that it was none of the horrible scenarios that had gone through my mind.

"You're going to be interning at our agency, since you're getting older and you should start becoming more known between the villains."

Oh.

I wasn't sure if I felt relieved or more worried by this news.

"We've already talked to your school; you can miss a day in the week for now." I nodded and forced a small smile on my face. Great. Absolutely wonderful.

"When do I start?" I put as much effort as I could in sounding excited at this news. I could see my mother's eyes sparkle at the question before she answered with a big grin on her face.

"Your first day will be upcoming Wednesday! You can come with me in the morning and everything else will be explained once you get there." While I could clearly feel my mother's joy as well as my father's pride, I saw in the corner of my eye that Malo was glaring at me yet again. Well, that was what he got for almost laughing at me earlier.

"Malo, sweetie!" My mother spoke, completely ignoring-or maybe not noticing my twin brother's annoyed attitude. I could never tell which one of the two she was doing. "You can help us too, of course. But I also saw that there are some other villain groups that would love to recruit you." At those words a smug smirk appeared on his face. Of course, one huge ego boost and his day was complete again. Typical for him.

"Like who, mom?" A hint of curiosity was evident in his voice and honestly, I wanted to know too. Not because I admired villain groups, I just wanted to see where my brother would end up.

"I don't remember them all on the top of my head but the Yakuza and the League of Villains were mentioned." I wasn't all that interested in the Yakuza, but a few times I've seen things about the League of Villains. As far as I knew their leader was... interesting to say the least when it came to his goal.

"Ah, the League of Villains? Wasn't Stain with them before he ended up in jail?" Stain... I remembered having seen him on TV and to be honest, I could understand where he was coming from. While I definitely did not think he acted rationally, I was kind of agreeing with some of his viewpoints. I could tell that that wasn't what the League of Villains as a whole was about, though.

While my brother continued bragging about how talented and amazing he was, I decided to quietly sneak back to my room. As I plopped down on my bed, speculations about what Wednesday was going to be like came to mind. Despite the fact that I wasn't exactly excited about this internship, something in me was also curious to see what it was like at a Villain agency.

It felt weird, the idea that, just like heroes, villains also had their own agencies where they trained potential villains, worked just like 'regular' people did. What even was regular at this point? I lived in a world of people with quirks, that wasn't even normal to begin with.

It wasn't as if the community of villains was small; it was a very big and diverse group of people. Outsiders, people who were alienated because of their quirks, traumatized people, sometimes even people who were just completely insane and were abandoned by their own family. And of course innocent people did not want villains to have any power at all, but at the same time everyone knew that these people existed, and it was pretty clear that continuing to oppress them only made matters worse. This was exactly why the government was compliant with all of this. It was why such things as villain schools existed. It was way easier to keep track of everything if it was legal.

However, some underground stuff that sometimes most villains didn't even know about went on. Nevertheless that was a small percentage and in my opinion the positives outweighed the negatives.

I sighed and turned my head to just stare in the distance, when I noticed that I hadn't put my tracksuit in the laundry basket yet. Flashbacks from the previous day appeared in my mind and a small smile couldn't help forming on my face. I didn't remember ever having as much fun as I did yesterday. I also missed it. Not just the people, not just the building. I missed the feeling of being who I truly was. I missed not feeling pressured to do something I was completely against.

I bit my lip as my gaze slowly went to the ceiling. I wondered when I was going to receive the results. How could I not have looked at my points? This made me feel even more nervous because I had absolutely no idea if I gained a lot of points or none at all at the last moment.

Though, I was aware that pondering about this wouldn't do anything, so I tried not giving it much thought. A soft grunt escaped my lips as I saw up and walked over to my desk before sitting down on the chair and turning on my laptop. In my free time I would often write, either stories or little things that almost seemed like diary entries. Sometimes I would even note down dreams that I had, since some of them were just so out there that they had to be documented somewhere. Whatever it was that was written, all of my work was pretty private, so I refused to let anybody read my stuff.

As if on cue, footsteps that seemed to get closer to my brother's and my room could be heard. When they stopped, I lifted up my gaze only to find my Malo. Neither of us said a word. He just stared at me as I did the same. Saying this interaction was awkward was an understatement. After what felt way too long he finally looked away and entered the room, grabbing something and leaving without saying a word.

Ah, aren't siblings just absolutely wonderful?

I was honestly okay with this. My brothers, except for Emry, did not like me, which I was aware of and I didn't want them to pretend to like me. Chobu and Emry had fun together, my brother had his friends at school and I was fine on my own and the only real interactions we had were while eating or on our way to school. Our conversations when we went to school were probably the only time we really seemed like twins in all honesty.

The concept of twins was intriguing to me. The idea that people immediately assumed you're super close as soon as they found out you were twins was strange. We were still independent people, with independent minds just like other siblings did. But for some reason it was as if people couldn't see twins as autonomous humans; it had to be either both or neither.

I looked outside and pouted. The weather seemed lovely; it wasn't hot but it wasn't cold either. Getting some coffee at a cute cat café would sound wonderful if only I actually had friends to go with. Going on my own wasn't bad of course, but it slowly got boring to go to the same places on my own. And since people usually knew who I was, they found it hard to strike a conversation with me, which was one of the big reasons why I never had friends in the place.

But also, coffee was heaven so I guess I didn't mind being on my own.

I quickly got changed into a skirt and a cute white blouse before doing everything else and went downstairs. I let my parents know I was leaving and then finally left. At the feeling of the slightly cold breeze hitting my cheeks I smiled. Without thinking I walked to the same old cat café I would always go to, as it was closest to my house, and their coffee was absolutely wonderful. Also, their cats were all total sweethearts that I wished to adopt one day if I ever had a house of my own. I could totally see myself become one of those old ladies that ended up with a billion cats in her house.

As I entered the café, a whole wave of calm took over me and I walked over to the barista, giving my usual order and paying for the coffee. While waiting a few adorable cats came over to me, and as usual I couldn't resist not petting them. These creatures were too cute, how could I not love them? They were always calm and super cuddly and all they had to do in life was eat, sleep and get cuddled; they were basically living the life.

When my coffee was done I quietly thanked the barista and went over to a small table near a window. Again some cats went over to me, making me giggle quietly. I could already tell I most likely wouldn't be able to finish my coffee before it got cold, as these adorable fluffy creatures kept on demanding my attention. Not that I minded it though...

And just as I thought, by the time no cats were coming to me, my coffee had gone cold. An annoyed sigh escaped my mouth and I decided to drink it anyway. If I didn't, it would've been a waste of my money. Besides, cold coffee wasn't that bad. Right?

After having finished my coffee, I got up, softly caressed one more cat and finally left. Gosh, they were so, so adorable I felt bad about leaving.

Not wanting to go home quite yet, I decided to just walk around a bit to get some more fresh air. While the area I lived in definitely wasn't the most pleasant, I was aware of the fact that this was way better than other areas where villains live. Here it was mostly okay, though going out here at night alone was not the best idea and the people living here weren't amazing neighbours.

To this day it still amazed me how seperatedly villains and heroes lived. I mean, I could kind of understand it but at the same time it felt like I was in two completely different worlds. Inherently, we were all the same actually. It was just the small differences that caused conflicts between the two communities, and one was labelled as 'right' while the other one was labelled as 'wrong'. Both hurt people, both had some morals that seemed right, some that seemed wrong, both were just people.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I tripped over what was probably a loose tile on the ground. Luckily, I was able to gain balance quickly so I didn't fall over, but it was a close call. I couldn't help but giggle at my clumsiness. This was what happened when you didn't pay attention to your surroundings, Janie...

It was only now that I had realised that I was in an alley which I wasn't really familiar with. Thankfully it wasn't dark outside yet, but the alley was tiny and the buildings were very dark, which gave off a not-so-inviting feeling. I often tended to go through the wider streets, which was why I didn't really know this alley here. But it probably wasn't that far-off from my house, right? The walk hadn't been that long, which meant I really couldn't have gone really far.

Maybe I could ask someone to lead the way? They would most likely know where the cat cafe was, so if I just asked where that was, I could easily find my way back home. However, in order to that I had to find someone and the street was... empty... I looked around in hopes of finding a person whom seemed trustworthy, but there was no sign of a person or any living creature at all.

Suddenly an eery feeling came over me. Maybe it was the silence, the loneliness or just the feeling that this unfamiliar ally gave me, but all that I could think at that moment was that I wanted to leave, and my gut was telling me I had to go right now. Without thinking my feet began walking as if they had a mind of their own, or maybe it was my instinct.

Out of the blue I bumped into something, which caused me to stumble backwards. I looked up and my face immediately filled with fear when I saw a pair big and cold eyes staring at me. In front of me stood a very large man. Despite the fact that it was still light outside, I couldn't see details of the man that well since the alley was so small. What I could tell though, was that this definitely wasn't a nice guy. As I slowly backed away, shambles of apologies left my lips along with quick and small bowing movements. I could tell that I better wouldn't mess with this man.

"I-I'm so so sorry sir, I didn't mean to bump into you!" To my annoyance, my voice came out soft and high-pitched due to how frightened I was feeling. Wonderful Janie, just wonderful. It wasn't as if I look terrified enough, huh? I couldn't put on a brave face for even a single second...

"Well, well, look what we have here. A gorgeous little lady..." I could feel shivers rolling down my spine at his strange words. From the corners of my eyes I couldn't see a single drop of water near me, so using my quirk wasn't exactly something that I was able to do at this moment. I slowly backed away, hoping to be able to leave but soon my back was met with someone else's body. Within a second I turned, only to find another man of whom I assumed to be a friend of that other creep. He was looking at me with a huge smirk plastered on his face, as his thick, bushy eyebrows were raised and his dark eyes looked me up and down. I felt disgusting by his gaze alone. I tried to slowly take tiny steps sideways, away from these men, but they both noticed my movements.

"Where are you going, sweetheart? You know it's dangerous out there for little girls like you." Yeah, dangerous because of old weirdos like you...

I could maybe use my quirk on those guys... But one, I had never done that before so success wasn't guaranteed, two, I hated the thought of controlling somebody's whole body, and three, they'd catch me before I could do anything probably... Gosh, what kind of villain was I? Not that I wanted to be one, but my parents would've been so embarrassed if they saw me in this situation. All of the training and I couldn't even defend myself in a situation like this?

Alarm bells started going off in my head when the two men both stepped closer to me. I wasn't able to tell what their quirks were yet. I didn't see any kind of mutilation, so they were most likely completely human. It had to be something else, but what could it be? I'd probably find out soon, because while I knew it was dangerous, I wanted to try running away. It was the only thing I could do.

So without thinking I tried running off, but before I had the chance to even take three steps an unknown force roughly pushed me to the ground. After this a foot stepped on my back to make sure I didn't get up and goodness, that really hurt. I tried looking up at the men, which was almost impossible, but I did notice that  the man who wasn't on me now was using his quirk which made me fall. I tried moving, but everything felt super heavy, as if a massive weight was put on me and someone was pushing that weight down to make sure I really couldn't go anywhere. I tried screaming, but the fear of what they could do held me back. It was as if my vocal chords had been taken out of my throat, and it frustrated me so much.

Was this it? What were they going to do to me? Where would they take me? Who were they even? Had they been following me? Did they know my parents? Did they know who Iwas?

Suddenly I heard both men yelp as the weight on my body was lifted. I slowly tried pushing my body off of the ground, wincing when I went a little too fast. It was only now that I realised how much they had hurt me. I didn't have to go to the hospital or anything, but it still hurt. I looked around, only to see that the men were both gone... I could feel another presence behind me however, and I wasn't sure if I felt happy or terrified. If somebody could scare away people like that, they were probably horrifying.

I gulped, not daring to turn around because I was terrified of whoever it could be. I noticed that I was shaking, but I didnt know if it was because of those two guys or this persom that was standing right behind me.

"No need to be scared, princess... I won't hurt you." A low male voice suddenly spoke. I turned around, curiosity winning from my fear for a tiny moment. The person's face was almost fully covered except for the eyes. They were a bright turqoise. They looked really familiar for some strange reason. Where had i seen him before...?

Wait.

the station...

[askmerriauthor]

Pokemon SwSh Thoughts - Post Game

So I’ve finished Pokemon Sword’s primary content.  All that’s left is to finish up the PokeDex and drive myself insane trying to whip up all the variations of Alcremie.  That, and delaying buying an online subscription for as long as possible before I bother with trading to get the other game’s exclusives.  Here’s some thoughts on the game after the fact:

Pokemon SwSh really needed to come out in late 2020, period.  I’ve enjoyed the game so far, but I’ve played it for about a week without putting in too much time/effort grinding and I’ve already done pretty much everything there is to do.  I had my Starter leveled up to 100 before I even left the Wild Area for the very first time.  The pacing and content depth of this game are pretty much non-existent, whereas the majority of the effort has clearly been put toward refining the competitive combat development.  That’s great for those players who really like the battle system, but not so much for those of us who like story and broader gameplay elements.

Pro - Streamlined Gameplay One thing I’ve wanted in Pokemon for ages has been the ability to skip tutorials.  I understand the necessity of having them, as every game that comes out is going to be some player’s first and their presence is for that player.  But at least having the option to skip them for us old hats would be nice.  SwSh does that!  I was delighted to discover that the game allows you to bypass tutorials with a simple yes/no prompt when a new element is introduced.  How to catch Pokemon, type match-ups, how to heal at Pokemon Centers, and so forth - all the stuff previous games led us through by the nose has been made optional this time around.

I’ve seen some people saying that this game holds the player’s hand too much as it leads us from one gameplay element to the next and doesn’t let us progress at our own leisure.  To some degree this is true, but it’s far less egregious than in previous games, such as SuMo.  There’s yet to be a good balance between giving the player free reign and giving them enough guidance to ensure we never feel lost, but this has been an inoffensive example as far as I’m concerned.  The game does end up feeling rather railroaded, but I don’t necessarily consider that a fault of hand-holding. I’ll get to this matter later on.

Pro - The Style Galar is a very pretty region and the game makes good use of the Switch’s higher capacity to produce excellent backdrops for the player to explore.  Many of the Pokemon have charming animations (Falinks is my favorite on this respect).  The towns are all really well-designed in terms of visuals, especially compared to the bare-bones looks of older generations.  I feel like there could have been more, but what we got is still great.

Pro - Implications in Lore Those of you who know me know how much I love lore and world building.  Pokemon, as a franchise, is ripe with opportunity to examine its lore to the most tiny and obscure detail, so any new addition to the franchise is welcome on that front.  Galar has some pretty fascinating nuggets to contribute.

I love that the League in Galar, as well as competitive Pokemon Training in general, is treated like a career sport.  In specific, I love that this view and practice is exclusive to Galar - I wouldn’t like it at all if the entire franchise shifted to this angle, but it works great for a one-off region.  I like that Kabu specifically relocated himself from Hoenn to join the sports league as it doesn’t exist in his home region.  The Champion being a sort of major celebrity/superhero, the way Gym Leaders can recruit proteges or even inheritors of their rank from among contenders, the sort of clique all the Gym Leaders have with one another - it’s a really neat dynamic.  I also like the notion that actually completing the Gym Challenge isn’t something common and most Trainers who try rarely make it even halfway through.  That’s an interesting contrast to other regions where collecting Gym Badges seems almost as a given and the League itself is considered the real challenge, or where the whole endeavor is designed to be finished as a matter of course, like in Alola.

There’s also some really neat additions to the overall lore brought in from the Pokemon Masters mobile game.  While its place in canon is questionable, it does specifically mention Galar in a few places.  The idea that Pokemon who do not appear in the current Dex are banned from Galar by customs (perhaps identified as potentially dangerous/invasive species) is an interesting one.  So is the claim that Iris - the Champion of Unova in BW2 - is a cousin of Leon and Hop.  I love it when there are connections amid titles like that as it really helps build a more unified setting.

-Edit-: Darn, apparently those screenshots were fakes.  Strike that positive from the list, I suppose.

Mixed Pro/Con - The Availability of Pokemon and the Wild Area I’m not talking about Dexit - I have my own thoughts on that explained elsewhere and frankly don’t think it’s going to end up as bad as everyone is fretting over in the long run.  No, in this particular case I’m focused on the availability of Pokemon that are in the game itself.

To put it simply... it’s too easy.  I know that filling out the PokeDex isn’t supposed to be a huge challenge, but I’ve gotten the majority of it done - evolved forms, item-reliant forms, gender/size/color variations included - with pretty much no effort whatsoever.  I like the idea of the Wild Area in principle but what it ends up being in practice is lacking.  It’s too easy to just hoover up Pokemon at a breakneck pace, which leads to other zones and the Wild Area itself becoming pretty much immediately obsolete.  I have no need to return to them once I’ve gotten everything I need and there’s not enough general content to urge me to visit again.

The Wild Area itself is a big open sandbox that you can roam around in, which is nice compared to more linear zones in past games.  Galar has its railroad routes, but they’re brief (aside from the obligatory overlong water route, which even then is still quite a lot smaller than other regions’ have been).  However, it’s just that - a big open sandbox.  You can wander through it very easily and even traipse into the “high level” zones without fear because you can see all the Pokemon coming and give them a wide berth to avoid them.  There aren’t any obstacles or challenges within the Wild Area itself, and the game makes it supremely easy to find Pokemon even under specific weather/time conditions, which I feel is a missed opportunity.  I would have rather the Wild Area been MUCH bigger and more involved, full of places to explore and puzzles to solve.  Similarly, I would rather that Pokemon were more difficult to come by as well - that a greater deal of effort would have been put toward tracking and discovering certain harder-to-find Pokemon, with more in-game detective work to find your prize.

Mixed Pro/Con - The Characters The ensemble cast of new Gym Leaders are great - I enjoy the majority of them and frankly want more interactions, more encounters, just more in general.  That’s sort of the problem though - I want more.  The game itself criminally under-utilizes these characters, especially compared to how much more involved and explored Gym Leaders have been in recent games.  There is precious little content using the Gym Leaders here in Galar as it stands and I constantly found myself wanting them to hang out longer and have the chance to learn more about them.  Their League Cards are a neat little addition full of interesting tidbits about their histories, natures, and relationships with each other, but I would MUCH rather have gotten to see all that play out in the game itself rather than read it as a flavor blurb.

On the con side of this, however, is the fact that all of the characters are extremely one-dimensional.  We’ve been seeing a steady increase in the depth and development of supporting characters in the games since BW onward, with SuMo arguably having the most to date.  The overall characterization in SwSh is incredibly lacking by comparison as we don’t get nearly enough time to be with the cast, nor is the cast given the chance to present more than one note per.  Nobody has any sort of emotional growth or development.  The closest thing to a character arc in the game is Hop’s acceptance of the idea that he’s not going to be the Champion, but it doesn’t have anywhere near as much punch as it could and is over in the blink of an eye compared to how he spends THE ENTIRE GAME repeating the same “I’m gonna be the Champion/Hokage/Pirate King!” spiel every time he’s on screen.

Con - Dynamaxing and Max Raid Battles I’m not really on board with the whole “Mega-Evolution is best! No more gimmicks!” train because that’s just silly to me.  Every game has its gimmick and the way Pokemon gradually picks up tricks and traits from its past versions to consolidate into newer titles is one of its strengths.  That said, Dynamaxing is worthless and a pointless addition to the game, both in presentation and practice.

The visual of a Pokemon going kaiju is a neat concept and one I was initially intrigued by, but in practice it falls flat because it’s as thin as cardboard.  It’s just Mega-Evolution and Z-Moves smooshed together with an additional 3 round time limit tacked on.  All it functionally does is buff your Pokemon’s HP pool and add additional weather/status effects to certain attacks, but in some cases the Dynamax versions of attacks are actually weaker/less useful than their base form.  In Gym Battles all the way through the final League fight with Leon, I didn’t bother with Dynamaxing because my Pokemon were strong enough to not need it.  I could one-shot Dynamaxed Pokemon with ease using a non-Dynamaxed Pokemon and that really shows a flaw in the design if ever there was one.  Dynamaxing doesn’t add or improve anything vital to gameplay - it’s just fluff.

Max Raid Battles as found in the Wild Area are even worse.  For those of you who don’t know, these are instanced battles against a Dynamaxed/Gigantamaxed wild Pokemon where you team up with three other players/NPCs.  If you win, you get a bunch of useful items and have the chance to catch the wild Pokemon as well, which is the only way you can get certain Gigantamax-capable Pokemon reliably.

The issue with these Max Raid Battles is that they’re an absolute slog.  In the early stages of the game they’re all super easy to the point that I could solo them and thus gathered mountains of EXP-boosting candies, which let me overlevel my Pokemon beyond reason.  Since the whole “your Pokemon is too high level and won’t listen to you” thing apparently doesn’t apply to Starters and special Event Pokemon, I was able to max-level and run rampant across all opposition with my Starter and my special “thanks for buying early” Meowth.  HOWEVER.  The difficulty scale of the Max Raid Battles increases with your game progress, so by the time I finished the game and went back into the Wild Area, the Max Raid Battles’ difficulty had ramped up.  That’s an okay compromise on its face, but the manner in which the difficulty has increased is poor game design.  The battles aren’t any harder, they just take longer - the wild Pokemon has more HP,  tosses up a few rounds of shields to soak damage at the start and again halfway through the fight, and purges stat boosts from the player and party throughout the battle.  It just makes the fights a pain in the ass to get through rather than making them more challenging or fun, and it’s gotten to the point that I don’t even bother with them anymore.  They’re just not worth the trouble, not even for the sake of trying to farm EXP candies because, at this point in the game, all Pokemon in the Wild Area scale up to level 60+ and thus are perfectly serviceable as EXP farming fodder themselves.

On a lore side of things, Dynamaxing is really confusing.  There’s the whole visual aspect of the Pokemon growing to giant sizes and sometimes changing their appearances, and there’s these massive arenas built to facilitate the whole thing.  But the game itself goes out of its way to impress the fact that the Pokemon aren’t actually getting bigger.  They just appear to grow in size and haven’t actually physically changed themselves so Dynamaxing is more like a giant hard light holographic projection than anything else?  It’s just a really weird design choice to have made and I don’t understand why it was included.

Con - The Writing So, writing is very important to me.  It’s literally been my job for the past decade with various game studios.  I don’t consider myself any sort of literary snob as I feel there’s a place for schlock right alongside masterpieces - they all serve a specific purpose and fulfill a particular hunger the reader would like satisfied.

That said, SwSh’s writing is abysmal.

Right on the face, there’s not enough of it.  The game is criminally short and light on content, which directly impacts its pacing.  Remember earlier when I mentioned that things felt railroaded?  That’s because there’s not enough story to rest on - it all flies by as fast as can be, forcing the player along a very narrow and brief chain of events that don’t feel consequential at all.  Further, the player has no agency in events whatsoever.  It’s not the player’s story - it’s Hop’s story.  We’re the supporting role to his journey, shallow as that arc may be.  Hop is the one who initiates the events of the game without our input as a character and then we spend the entire game following him around, or being pushed into the next event by other characters who are facilitating Hop.  At no point is the player ever given the chance to express their own characterization, motivation, or even opinions.  Nearly every two-choice dialogue option that appears boils down to “Yes” or “Slightly More/Less Enthusiastic Yes”, which is a huge downgrade from the genuine negative responses and NPC reactions that were present in SuMo.

In terms of overall plot, SwSh has pretty much the same level of depth and complexity as the original Red/Blue titles, and that is as scathing a criticism in this modern age as I can possibly imagine.  The whole story is “run in a circle, collect badges, fight vaguely present villainous threat, fight league.”  We are actively forced from one gym fight to the next with no time to breathe, no story-focused events in between, and not even any chance to appreciate the gym, its leader, or even the towns they take place in.  It’s one and done - once you’ve got the badge there’s no reason to hang around and the story shuffles us along quickly as can be.  I mean that literally in some cases - there are hints of a greater plot at hand with Sonia investigating the history of Galar’s legends and the potential machinations of mega-corporate mogul Chairman Rose.  But each time those are broached in game play, the game pushes the player off-screen and says “Well, that’s not something you need to worry about.  Go get another badge!”  I mean, LITERALLY!  There’s a point where The Plot begins to kick in where Pokemon begin to spontaneously Dynamax and cause havoc, which is the narrative queue for the player to become involved and for the story to reveal a new facet.  But when that happens, Leon LITERALLY says “leave this to the adults, you just focus on your Gym Challenge” and runs off-screen to handle it himself.  It would be a good narrative subversion if it led up to things eventually getting out of hand and the player getting roped into things, or the player having the ability to defy such warnings and interject themselves into danger.  But that doesn’t happen - the game just forces us to focus on the Gym Challenge alone and keeps all the actual plot of the game off-screen away from us.  This is very poor narrative design and game design alike, and it all comes to nothing because we’re forced to clean up everything in the end anyway by battling the villain and legendaries as per usual.

Though I should also point out that there’s no villain in this game.

But what about Team Yell and Chairman Rose, I hear you ask?  They’re not villains, both literally and figuratively respectively.  Team Yell never really does anything other than act as brief gate locking elements throughout the game until you finish the Gym you’re at, then they bounce off to the next part of the route they’re set to block.  They don’t do anything bad and, as it’s later revealed, they’re actually just a bunch of Spikemuth Gym staffers who are posing as hooligans to support Marnie.  They’re literally not villains and, once you beat the Spikemuth Gym, they actually become supporting characters who cheer for the player character and help out against the actual supposed villain of the game.

The actual “villain” of the game is Chairman Rose and his assistant Oleana.  However, they’re only villains because the script says they are.  They don’t actually do anything bad throughout the entire game nor is there any indication that they have some sort of grand master plan.  The most we get is some unusual happenings like small quakes and explosions in the distance, but the game never allows us any chance to investigate - we’re just shoved off toward the next Gym each time.  So when Chairman Rose is finally revealed to be the Big Bad, it comes completely out of left field and seems to happen for no reason whatsoever.  Further, IT IS FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER.  Chairman Rose’s plan and goal is never explained in depth - all we get is the vague indication that he believes that Galar isn’t sustainable and there will be an inevitable energy crisis in about 1,000 years, and somehow his EVIL SCHEME will fix it.  But, like, even Leon flat-out says “I understand your concern but you’re being hasty, this doesn’t need to be rushed, chill out for five seconds and let’s figure this out reasonably”.  Instead Rose interrupts the Champion match and announces his EVIL SCHEME on global broadcast for literally no good reason.  There was no dire immediacy that required him to do it right then and there, or in that manner, but the plot needed to move us along so that’s how it goes.

It really doesn’t help that, prior to all this, there’s absolutely no indication at all that Rose nor Oleana are bad guys.  They’re just business folk who appear to have nothing but good intentions and support for Leon, with the other adults of the cast all happily trusting them.  There is nothing to make them seem suspicious in practice and they offer no reason to doubt them at all, so them suddenly being the bad guys is just confusing.  Further, how the player is first introduced to the concept of them being antagonists is easily the most ridiculous logic jump and overreaction I’ve seen since the old Adam West Batman television show.  So get this: after a battle, Leon says he’ll meet Player and Hop for dinner to celebrate.  Player and Hop wait for Leon, but he never shows up.  Another NPC explains that Leon was called in for a last-minute meeting by Chairman Rose (who is his boss and has made such requests of Leon’s time throughout the game, as I feel is important to point out) and apologizes for having to miss the dinner plans.  Simple enough sort of situation, right?  The sort of thing that any reasonable person would shrug and say “Well, that sucks but okay, let’s go eat on our own then” to, right?  So what happens here instead?

The Player, Hop, Marnie, and her Gym Leader brother GATHER A SMALL MOB AND STORM CHAIRMAN ROSE’S BUSINESS HQ, FIGHTING THEIR WAY THROUGH SECURITY.

I mean, escalation much?  We all have smartphones - just send Leon a text, for goodness’ sake.  I’m playing through these events constantly going “why the hell are we doing this and why is everyone acting like it’s some sort of dire emergency?”.  And do you know what happens when we finally kick down the doors to Chairman Rose’s office?  We find Chairman Rose and Leon quietly having a peaceful chat, after which Leon apologizes for having to cancel the dinner plans and we all walk out together like nothing happened.  It was just this huge, needless overreaction that has no consequence and that neither Rose nor Leon even bat an eye at.  We, as the players, learn absolutely nothing of importance and are back on the Gym Challenge immediately with no functional changes to the narrative.

Like... what was the point of that?!  How was that the best option to try and put Chairman Rose and his underlings into the role of antagonists for us to oppose?

So what is Chairman Rose’s EVIL SCHEME anyway?  Basically he wants to provide Galar with renewable clean energy which... uh... is bad?  Somehow?  Apparently he plans to use a Legendary Pokemon called Eternatus - apparently the source of Dynamaxing - which is literally never mentioned at any point in the game except precisely when it’s time to fight/capture it, nor does fighting/capturing it have any impact on the story or setting.  You would think that the player being in control of a massive Eldritch horror that has UNLIMITED POWER at its disposal would be something of a sticking point somewhere in the story, but no.  Eternatus and Rose’s plan are never mentioned until precisely the time you need to deal with them, and once that’s done they’re both never mentioned again.  Done and done all in one.  No gradual seeding of information, no hints and clues throughout the game, no development of lore - just wham, bam, thank you ma’am and off we go.

Y’know, call me silly but in a game that has undertones referencing climate change, extinction of animal species, and criticisms against capitalism run amok, is it really a good idea to depict the guy advocating for clean energy to be bad?  That feels like a missed mark to me.

The post-game plot, should one bother to call it that, is just inane.  It basically boils down to a pair of one-shot baddies who show up and say “Ha ha! We’re rich and that means we’re better than everyone! Watch as we cause trouble for vague reasons, get hoist by our own petard, and then fuck off forever! Byeeeee~!”  The post-game is completely pointless and doesn’t add anything of value at all.  Which, again, compare to older games like ORAS’ post-game expansion content and it’s nothing but a damn shame.

SwSh’s writing is shallow and limited at best, with one-dimensional characters, no genuine conflict or resolution, terrible pacing, and repetitive elements that boomerang around over and over and over again to the point of annoyance.  Compared to what we’ve seen Pokemon achieve in earlier titles like BW, ORAS, and SuMo, it makes it all the more obvious that SwSh was not given ANYWHERE near the time and love it needed in development and is a massive downgrade in that respect.

Con - Lots of Style, No Substance To wrap all this up - I enjoyed playing SwSh as much as I did any other early Pokemon game.  I think that, as a first installment on a new system, it’s fine.  That’s all - it’s just fine.  It’s serviceable as a means of establishing the franchise onto the Switch and completing its move off purely-mobile mediums like the Gameboy and 3DS.  It’s pretty to look at and has a superficial level of engagement, but its prettiness and level of content very quickly reveal themselves to be only skin deep.  Once you get past the initial gloss there’s really nothing to this game compared to the content, involvement, and writing quality displayed in past titles on lesser-powered systems.  The towns are all pretty but there’s nothing to do in any of them aside from a Gym battle - there’s no additional fun to be had in each location, making them little more than set pieces.  The characters have initial appeal and potential for more, but the game never explores them at all.  There’s room for a bigger narrative and interesting story with the elements presented, but no opportunity to actually see them fleshed out.  The Wild Area seems big and involved at first, but as soon as you’ve gone around its loop once or twice you suddenly realize how small and compartmentalized it really is, and it lacks any reason to revisit in the end game.  The major game play function - Dynamaxing/Gigantamaxing - is little more than a novelty that is basically irrelevant to gameplay itself and, in an absolutely baffling decision by the folk behind the official competitive scene, is actually somehow banned from being used in competitions?  Like, not even “we’ve disabled the Dynamax button in online” but rather “if the competitive Pokemon you’ve spent so much time perfectly constructing has a Gigantamax form, it will not even be allowed access at all, so you better have an identical non-Gigantamax version on hand if you want to play”.  So, what exactly is the point of even having Gigantamax Pokemon then?

Everything about SwSh seems half-baked.  The ideas are there but they aren’t finished.  It should have been given much more development time and, having been in the position of the creative/dev team under demands from the shareholders, I completely sympathize with Game Freak’s devs in all this.  SwSh is ultimately a weak product but one with a lot of good ideas that weren’t given the chance to really shine.  As such, I’ve got rather high hopes for the next installment to improve on the unfortunately thin foundation SwSh has set.  Game Freak’s team has given us some amazing Pokemon games in the past and, assuming they’re given sufficient time and resources to make a title to their satisfaction, I have every confidence they’ll do so again.

[studentville-struggles]

Spontaneous Combustion // Loki Laufeyson

Prompt from @nooowestayandgetcaught @dailyau

Pairing: Loki x reader

Words: 2,265 - oops

Idek what this is anymore, but I kinda liked it

Proofread? Hell nah

Masterlist

Loki wasn’t someone you’d had a chance to talk to much since your arrival as a recruit. Most of your time at the Avengers site had been spent in the gym, doing drills or completing your trainee assignments. All you had wanted to do for as long as you could remember, was help people, and the presence of an actual god wasn’t going to change that now. Having passed all of your exams and being accepted as a full agent, you had started to become acquainted with a few of the original avengers over the last few months.

Loki was still earning the trust of those around him and all junior agents had been informed they were to be cautious around him. For that reason, you both wanted to know more for it seemed harsh to ignore someone without allowing growth, but also to stay away until you had found your feet in this world.  

As you continued to impress those around you, and above you, with your dedication and continuous improvements, your interaction with the Avengers became more and more frequent, meaning your interactions with Loki were also becoming more frequent. You weren’t sure if it was the stereotypical ‘bad boy complex’, or his mysterious nature, but you were developing a soft spot for the god. It was worrying you a bit; how could you work for/with someone – in a potential life or death environment – and have a schoolgirl crush on them. It simply wouldn’t do.  

You knew it would never amount to anything, his views on ‘mortals’ crystal clear to everyone on site, there was no hope of you being any different. You thought if you could ignore it for long enough, that your crush would go away. What long enough was, however, you had no idea and it was beginning to irritate you. Every time you were in a meeting with him, you felt like a total fool, a lovesick teenager. You couldn’t help but glance over at him, but you also had the horrible feeling that he knew. It wasn’t exactly within your training to learn how to hide a crush. Lies were no problem, physical attraction would take a bit more experience.  

Another month passed, and you still couldn’t ignore the schoolgirl crush you had on Loki. He was a distraction, thankfully not enough to impact your work, but paperwork sure took a lot longer when he was around. What you didn’t know, however, was that things were about to get a whole lot more challenging for you.  

“Agent Y/L/N, report to my office in two hours, in civilian gear, bags packed for a mission. You’ll need civilian clothes and combat gear.” With that, your superior turned and continued marching through the corridors.  

It wasn’t your first mission, but it was a new enough experience that it set a swarm of butterflies off in your stomach. Rushing to your room, you grabbed your to-go bag and began pulling a range of clothes out, deciding what to take. Combat gear was easy to pack, you pretty much just emptied all you had into the bag. Civilian clothes were a little trickier; you had no idea where you were being sent to, so best to pack a range of clothes so you had most things covered. You were always taught it was better to have a lot of normal or plain clothes so that you were able to blend in, in most locations.  

Upon arriving at your superior's office, you knocked and entered when called, immediately clocking the three other agents in the room. You were to join Sam Wilson, Loki, and Natasha Romanov on this mission. You were the only rookie. You stood like a soldier, to-go bag still on your back, receiving your mission plan.  

You were being brought along because of your incredible fighting skills. You had impressed Natasha enough that she was willing to recommend you for this mission. Primarily, it was intel gathering. If things were to go south however, it was handy to have agents capable of removing threats quickly, quietly and efficiently.  

The group of you headed straight to the hangar bay, into the prepared air transport vehicle to take you to your classified location. The flight was quiet. Natasha and Sam near each other, having been friends for years, Loki was sat quietly by a window on the far side of the vehicle, occasionally contributing to Sam and Natasha’s conversation when he felt inclined to. You sat near Natasha and Sam, close enough to be involved if the conversation should turn to the mission, but far enough both you and them had privacy.  

“One hour to touchdown.” A voice came over the intercom.  

“Right, time to recap the plan. Gather round.” Natasha’s demeanour switching to that of a commander immediately.  

With the plane being disguised as a private jet, you had the luxury of being able to sit around a table. You sat down next to Sam, wishing to focus all your attention on Natasha, who was taking point on the operation. Unfortunately, it meant you were also sat directly opposite Loki, who merely winked at you upon making eye contact.  

The final hour of your flight passed quickly, discussions of cover identities reviewed, base locations revealed and target persons and locations discussed. With landing complete, you all took on the role of a tourist from the moment the plane doors opened. Much to your joy and dismay, your cover involved that of a couples trip, with Sam and Natasha being one couple, and Loki and yourself as the other.  

You had barely spoken to the Avenger and now were supposed to act as though were engaged. All in a day's work, right?  

Reaching the main terminal, you all began laughing and joking as if this was a real holiday, now understanding the random acting classes you all called ‘dumb’ and ‘pointless’ in training. Natasha threw a look towards you over her shoulder, double checking all was okay, smiling back you reassured her without saying a word.  

“Come on darling, we don’t want to fall behind those.” Loki turned on the charm, grabbing your hand before picking up the pace in order to stick close to Sam and Natasha.  

This trip was one of the first where you had to leave the US and so you still had a few butterflies to mask going through customs. You knew your documents were good, you were still all too aware of the consequences that could arise should they not be good enough. Seemingly aware of this, the rest of the team were very good at joking around and distracting you from your worries, allowing you to settle into your cover further.  

The most surprising aspect of the mission, you thought, was the depth of character Loki took on. You ought not to be surprised, you pondered, since he is the god of lies, he should be good creating a fake persona. Even still, he seemed to always have a hand in yours, a hand on your back, putting in all the effort to create the illusion that you were a newly engaged couple enjoying the holiday of a lifetime.  

Once inside and out of sight, however, few words were spoken outside of the mission parameters. However, about a week into the mission, you had gotten up early to walk to the nearby bakery with Natasha, following a tip that the regulars were a chatty bunch and you might happen upon some new information. Loki was still asleep in your shared apartment when you had left, but was awake and sat silently at the dressing table, eyes fixed on the door, on your return.  

“Is everything okay?” You enquired.  

“Yes, just keeping guard in case you had been taken.” At this point, Sam and Natasha were coming through to your apartment for breakfast.  

“What she didn’t leave you a note? My fiancée left me a note.” Sam mused out loud, winking at you and dodging the slight punch coming from Natasha.

“Eat up boys, we got a lot from the bakery.” Natasha announced. The two women sitting down to note down all they had heard from the bakery and walk home.  

All throughout this time of eating and condensing information, you could feel Loki’s eyes on you. Occasionally you would turn to look and he would simply smile and give you a curt nod, but he would not look away. After fifteen minutes of this staring, the others were starting to take notice. Ever the loyal leader, Natasha leaned in towards you to ask if there had been any issues when the two of you had been alone. As far as you knew, there had been none. You were both professional and focussed on the task at hand, and you had shared this with Natasha. Her response was only to nod and smile.  

“Yo, what’s the issue man, you know you’re not supposed to stare like that?” Sam always was straight to the point.  

“I’m really sorry I keep staring but I dreamed about you horribly dying last night and I just wanted to make sure you don’t spontaneously combust” Loki responded, but not to Sam, to you. His eyes locked on yours, not for a second looking away.  

What on earth are you supposed to say to that? Thankfully, Sam had you covered.

“Is that a risk?” He sounded confused and then seemed to have a realisation. “Is that a threat?”  

“No, no, not a threat, it was just a strange and worrying dream compared to the normal.” Eye’s still locked on yours.

The remainder of a mission can only be described as strange. Nothing changed when out doing the tourist rounds, eavesdropping on as many conversations as possible. However, the touches seemed to linger a little longer, his touch a little lighter, when you would be sat in coffee shops or out having dinner, his gaze on you with an unreadable emotion whilst in your cover apartment. You had managed to push aside your crush on Loki, knowing it would only make this mission harder and more painful for you, but these small touches, long gazes, and general softness of Loki over the past few days were making this a whole lot harder than it had been initially.  

On the penultimate night of the mission, you had all gone out to a local bar. There was a salsa night on that you had heard was frequented by a lot of the local community, it was a good point to conclude the mission. If there was any information you hadn’t heard already, you’d find it here. Loki had you spinning around as if you hadn’t a care in the world, although there was every care and you were really starting to get dizzy now.  

Retiring to the bar, hoping to hear a few more tid-bits, Loki had you sat on a stool, with himself next to you, stood between your legs, ever the doting fiancé. Except this time, instead of the usual play pretend routine the two of you had down to a T, Loki was being far touchier and almost intimate, it was surprising.

He placed a hand on your cheek, leaning in to, you thought, whisper in your ears, however, instead you were met with an electric feeling of cold lips where your face meets your neck. A shocked gasp escaped you, something Loki seemed to find entertaining, a soft chuckle quiet in your ear.  You knew if you looked at him now you would kiss him, and you knew you couldn’t afford a distraction like that now, not in the field. You could feel Loki’s hands moving to pull you close, your will power beginning to fail.  

“We can’t, not here.” You managed to mutter, voice breathy.  

You could see the hint of pain in Loki’s eyes for the remainder of the night. Even through the walk back to your apartment block, he still performed the part of the doting fiancé, but without the additions of the previous days.  

Completing the nightly debrief, as well as receiving information for the pick-up point the next day, you and Loki retired back to your apartment to pack and rest for the flight home in the morning. Locking the door to your room you could still see the slight hurt in his eyes.  

Loki began apologising, thinking he had mis-read your looks towards him. “I’m so-”  

You couldn’t even let him finish, months of pining for a man you thought out of reach adding up. You all but jumped onto him, crashing your lips onto his. It took a second for him to respond, but soon his arms snaked around your back ensuring you couldn’t be anywhere but in his arms. Deepening the kiss, Loki moaning into it. The two of you began moving towards the bed, barely any space between you.  

Loki had picked you up, lips still peppering your skin with kisses, and was leaning you down onto the bed when there was a knock at the door. It was as if nothing had happened, both immediately on guard, you grabbing the nearest weapon.  

Again, there was the knock. Checking through the peephole, you lowered your weapon and swung the door open.  

“You scared the shit out of me.” You announced; a smirking Natasha stood in your doorway.  

“Just wanted to say to the love birds that you should really turn your comms off before getting it on.” With that, she winked at you and walked out again, leaving you and Loki alone again.

[pcvkaplowitz-blog]

Week 3: Getting Familiar

Who Do You Know Here? 

I’ve been in Nicaragua for 25 days and finally feel like I’m getting into a rhythm. I even downloaded a book in Spanish on my kindle (El Pergamino de la Seducción by Nicaraguan author Gioconda Belli). Not that I’ve gotten very far into it, reading in another language is hard! I was inspired by my Spanish teacher Erika who recommended at this point in my language development the best thing I can do to improve is practice reading and writing. Erika is the first Spanish teacher I’ve ever actually enjoyed having class with, so I’m a little bummed teachers get rotated between groups every three weeks. 

My cohort of trainees in Niquinohomo get along well. We all are very different people, but still have fun together and as I learn more about them individually I feel more grounded. It will take time to feel really close to them, but we’re getting there. I also look forward to developing relationships with people from other training sites, especially trainees in the health sector who we see less frequently. 

I’ve been grateful to see how responsive the staff in Peace Corps respond to feedback from trainees. After an especially arduous training session last week the Master Trainer acknowledged the complaints he received in an appropriate manner during this week’s training and encouraged us to continue to provide feedback. 

Some of my favorite conversations have been with current volunteers. Volunteers are frequently invited to lead training seminars and chatting with them is a great way to learn more about the expectations and lifestyle I can anticipate after swearing in. Yesterday we had diversity training at the gorgeous Laguna de Apoyo. The session was solid, pretty basic for anyone who is familiar with diversity work. We covered the Gender Unicorn,” an updated version of the Genderbread Man, and made identity identity charts. Although I look forward to having deeper conversations it would have been hard to do so in a group of almost 50 people, and while being supervised by our bosses. 

At the training I met Adrian, a second year Volunteer. Adrian and I have a mutual friend that we bonded over and got to talking only to realize he had also lived with Manuela in Niquinohomo! He came back to the house with me to say hello to the family and we were able to have a really nice conversation over a plate of Manuela’s famous pollo frito. By the time he left to catch a bus to Managua I felt better about my feelings about training, expectations for service, and reasons for being here. 

Reading this I’m sure you’ve gotten the impression all my interactions are with members of Peace Corps, which isn’t the case. Most of my Nicaraguan circle is composed of Manuela’s (extensive) extended family. Beyond the people living in my house I’ve reached out to cousins, nieces and nephews and aunts and uncles. Figuring out how any individual is related to Manuela is complicated but connecting with them is not. I enjoy conversations with everyone who has the patience to listen to my misconjugations and confused articles. 

Álvaro may be the only family member who likes getting his picture taken while Evelyn loves trying to get me to play go-fish with her. Pablito on the other hand is asking me for guitar lessons, while I’m trying to get my own lessons from Yunior. Besides family members Pedro and Pablo basically live at the house and are always friendly and willing to chat while they aren’t help Manuela with her endless assortment of errands. 

Outside my family I’ve gotten to know a handful of people. There’s Jorge Tellas who made my guitar, a few familiar faces at the gym who I talk to but have trouble recalling the names of, and Daniel’s host family who I went out for hamburgers with on his birthday. 

Although I’ve put a lot of energy into learning about my PC my counterparts and building a support system from amongst them, I’ve also try to integrate into the community. As I move forward in training I will certainly have to continue to build relationships with both P.C. members and host country nationals. It’s a lot less natural to make friends in Spanish and certainly a good skill to practice as much as possible. 

But What Do You Know About Entrepreneurship? 

After receiving my offer from PC to work as an “Entrepreneurship Educator” I remember my roommate asking: “What do you know about entrepreneurship?” My answer is not a lot. Actually, basically nothing. I have a few friends from school with startups I’ve been around to help formulate but I’ve never played a significant role in any of those endeavors. So when I was told I’d be in a position of educate others on something I have no experience in I was shook. But it’s not like I lied about my experience in the interview so I figured if they offered me this position there may be a reason for it. 

What I’ve found over the past few weeks is that my background is not as much of a disadvantage as I predicted. There are two main reasons for this change of heart. First, the program focuses on human development, second, the realities of operating a business in Nicaragua are nothing like running a business in the United States. 

The Peace Corps approach is about creating sustainable improvements in sites by building capacity through the utilization of local skills and success. This means: Developing a business plan for somebody is pointless unless they understand why it is important and are both motivated and able to implement it. Teaching an excellent class to high schoolers is nice but will not have nearly the same effect if the teacher you work with is unable to continue to give excellent classes in your absence. 

Basically, it doesn’t matter how successful your own business is in the states. It is marginally important how much of a difference you make in your site for the time you are there. It is almost entirely about if the people you work with aren’t able to continue your success. It’s about the teacher and the small business owner, moreover, it’s about their ability to pass on their skills to others. 

Among Nicaraguans the baseline for business knowledge is generally lower than I expected. In many small businesses here basic U.S. practices are often overlooked or underutilized. Peace Corps has given us the example of financial records. Many Nicaraguan business do not maintain financial records and many businesses that do still don’t know how to use a budget to modify their business practices. Although I do not come from a business background I still bring knowledge I did not realize I had and there is still plenty of training (not to mention my entire service) left to continue to learn. 

On the educational end, many of the teachers in charge of AEP classes have never taught the class before and have a background in entirely different subjects. Helping these teachers understand a new curriculum is much more reasonable than trying to coach a teacher already experienced in their field. My goal is to make superstar teachers, but first I will have to make sure the teachers understand the most basic elements. My role is to make sure teachers actually teach the students rather than go through the motions. 

In order to be successful, I will need to build relationships. I need to identify successful business owners, gain their confidence, and learn why they are able to be successful. Furthermore, I need the successful business owners to take on roles as community leaders and educate their neighbors. I need to identify successful teachers and build networks so that teachers can share their practices. 

So the question remains, what do I know about entrepreneurship? I know enough. I know enough to identify the business and pedagogies that work given the cultural and economic constraints in Nicaragua. I must develop my business knowledge, but I also must develop my interpersonal skills. My success over the next two years will be determined by my ability to partner with Nicaraguans and empower them to change their own community. 

Fortunately, Nicaraguans generally seem to be a helpful bunch. The people I have met embody the phrase “lift as you rise,” and generally do not view helping their neighbor as a threat to their own well-being. In this respect I wish for Americans to learn from Nicaraguans as well.

[dangerandbeauty]

I wrote this for Rivamika Week Day 1, thought it doesn’t follow any of the prompts. Rated: T

This has been up on Ao3 for a few days but I really debated whether I wanted to put it on tumblr because I’m not super happy with it. But I broke, as always.

Link to Ao3:

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11343837

Defenders

           Since the new recruits from both the Military Police and Garrison had joined less than two weeks ago, the noise around the Scouting Legion’s headquarters had increased ten-fold, and the few Veterans that were left were finding themselves missing the peace and quiet from before. Still, they tried to be grateful for the new rookies’ sacrifices to join such a group where death was constant and making close connections was almost pointless.

           The Squad Leaders had the task of surveying the new recruits in order to determine their strengths, and Commander Erwin was constantly locked away in his office, using the observations they recorded and making decisions on where to place each new soldier accordingly. Captain Levi had already scoffed at taking any newbies into his already full squad—perhaps the only squad that did not have empty spots caused by unfortunate recent openings. Squad Leader Hanji required a full new set except for Moblit, and because of Mike’s mysterious absence—he still was not allowed to confirm that he was killed in action—he’d been forced to make new leaders out of soldiers who had been part of the Legion for only a year or so.

           Even Hanji, the leader with the most positive attitude, found herself extremely annoyed with the newcomers. The first night of drinking and celebrating had been fun, but since then they had not stopped the party, and the rowdiness was irritating her enough to call on Levi to break up the shenanigans at two in the morning in order for her to get some sleep.

           And so, at ten in the evening, what was supposed to be curfew time, the Shingashina trio was making their way back to the dorms accompanied by Sasha Braus and Jean Kirschtein on account of having a late dinner due to the kitchen being overloaded and unable to provide the right amount of food at dinnertime.

           Their easy conversation had just turned to the nuisance of the recruits when loud catcalls followed them from the hall behind them.

           All five of them turned around to see a group of three twenty-something-year-old Garrison members running around clad in the Survey Corps’ emblem flag, wrapped around them like diapers on top of their pants.

           “Idiots,” Eren commented. “They’ve been doing that almost every night; Connie caught them last night and they pantsed him when he threatened to tell the Commander.”

           “Why hasn’t the captain done anything?” Sasha asked. “Normally he’s all about punishment.” Mikasa nodded at her only female friend in agreement; she knew just how bad his punishments could be.

           “He’s been too busy, he meets with Erwin like twice a day,” Eren said, always first to defend Captain Levi. “And they won’t listen to Hanji. They know she’s too soft to really do anything to them.”

           “Well, they’ll just be Titan fodder in a few weeks,” Jean broke in, “Let them have their last bit of fun.”

           “Jean!” Armin reprimanded, but the horse-faced teenager simply shrugged, as if to say, Tell me I’m wrong.

           “Hey you!” One of them called to the group. The five Scouts turned back to the hooligans, trying to figure out who they were singling out.

           “You, the Oriental,” the boy with sandy blond hair called out to Mikasa. His voice was slurred from drinking liquor his gang had snuck from the kitchen all day. His hand went to his groin and grasped himself once he saw her gaze had landed on him.

           “Want it?” he asked, his voice heavy with mirth as he winked at her. His friends howled with laughter.

           “You little shit—” Jean started, moving in his direction, fists clenched.

           A strong, feminine arm shot out in front of Jean, halting his charge. Mikasa looked at him from the corner of her eyes, face still in the direction of the immature Garrison recruits. “Don’t,” she said shortly, “I got this.” Eren stood rooted to the ground, glaring in their direction along with Armin and Sasha.

           Jean relented, sincerely hoping Mikasa was about to give them a taste of the strength The Woman Worth a Hundred Soldiers possessed. But instead, she fought back with words.

           “Want what?” she replied, her voice calm while her face remained impassive.

           “This,” he replied, grabbing himself harder, and then wincing in effect. “You like, angel?” His friends howled again, egging him on.

           “I don’t see what ‘this’ is you’re talking about. You’re just grabbing your pants. How will that help me any?”

           The confusion on his face was quickly replaced by frustration.

           “Are you stupid? I mean my cock.”

           “Oh, I know what you meant just fine,” Mikasa replied. “The problem is that I just don’t see anything there.” His eyebrows came together in realization, and his friends weren’t laughing anymore. “Shame, that. You can always see everything in those tight military pants, too.” Now it was her friends’ turn to laugh at the expressions on the recruits’ faces. Mikasa raised a sharp eyebrow and smirked at his dumbfounded expression. “I guess you’re just less fortunate. But then again, you are wearing a diaper. Maybe you’ll grow it to a nice size someday.” His hand dropped farther away from between his legs with every word she spoke.

           Just then, they all heard Hanji’s voice, yelling at the top of her lungs, fist raised, as she approached them from the opposite hall. The three men scattered as fast as their drunken legs would carry them, and escaped before Hanji could recognize their faces.

           Her fist dropped as she neared the five Scouts, realizing she would not reach them in time. She looked at Eren.

           “Did you catch their names?” she said. They all shook their heads, and she hung hers. “Damn it. I can’t handle all this chaos. Where is Levi?” And abruptly as she arrived, she left, taking the stairs to the third floor.

           The five members of the Levi Squad continued their trek to the dormitories, conversing the whole way about how happy they were that their squad would not have any new additions.

           The next day, Mikasa left after lunch to train with Eren and Armin in the gym, a favorite pastime of theirs, but it wasn’t until the two boys left that Mikasa could focus on her own personal training, something that Captain Levi had been teaching her.

           It wasn’t so much physical as it was mental. Mikasa had a hard time keeping herself in control when her emotions were affected, which was a rarity for the usually disciplined soldier, but with Eren now so fully involved as Humanity’s Hope, she found herself worried constantly and it had caused her problems in the field. They had worked on her anger problems, partly her anger with him that had seemed to fade with time, and her anger with Annie. Every time she thought of the blond titan bitch, her face still heated with red, and the adrenaline still pumped through her fingertips.

           “This anger causes you to lose too much control,” Levi had said, “try to think of her as just another enemy that you need to take down. She isn’t special.”

           Mikasa had groaned in frustration, her eyes closed as he had commanded, while Annie’s face formed in her mind.

           Levi’s fingers under her pulse detected the spike in her heartbeat. “Don’t think of her in that way,” he reminded her. “She killed my entire squad, but you didn’t see me lose my head and give in to rage.” At this, Mikasa had popped an eye open to glance at him, yet again feeling guilty for her comments about he and his squad’s incompetence at keeping Eren safe in the Forest of Giant Trees. Only he wasn’t looking at her; he seemed to be lost in thought, and Mikasa wondered if he was remembering a time when he had sat in this very room, giving guidance to Petra or Gunther, Erd or Auruo.

           She closed her eyes again and tried, this time more focused, feeling that she at least owed him that much. She pictured Annie’s face again, and attempted to separate the evil blond from the anger she held deep in her gut.

           “That’s good,” he said, checking her pulse again and watching her face closely to make sure she did not break her calm demeanor.

           And she had succeeded for several seconds, but then Captain Levi leaned into her, and she could feel his presence, so close, too close for comfort, his musky scent permeated the air around her, strong from their spar earlier, and it was so manly, so alluring, and his breath hit her neck, the smell of spearmint mixed with the strongly brewed tea he’d had at breakfast.

           “Tch, Ackerman?” he said, confused. “You were doing better. What happened?” he asked, removing his hand from her pulse, which had spiked unexpectedly. The blush from her cheeks crept down to her pretty neck, having nothing to do with Annie Leonhart and everything to do with the man in front of her. Her eyes fluttered open to observe his bored expression, although she thought she detected a sliver of concern in his blue eyes.

           Since that session, Mikasa had an even harder time practicing with the guidance he had given her, but at least Annie was far, far from the reason for her troubles now.

           Minutes passed in silence. The gym was surprisingly one of the few places that the newcomers had not taken over, and Mikasa was glad that no one else had seemed to realize this. Dinnertime would start soon, and she did not want a repeat of the night before when they had needed to stay late in the cafeteria just to be fed. Deciding to take a quick shower before heading there, she left the gym and headed in the direction of the women’s bathhouse.

           Mikasa wished she had brought her scarf or at least a jacket as the cold air hit her skin. Winter was nearly upon them, and her mere white T-shirt and shorts were no match for the temperature. She walked through the quad where most of the Corps was gathered, recruits and veterans alike, and saw Eren, Armin, and Jean waving her over.

           She changed course for the three of them and—

           SPLASH…water dripped down Mikasa’s head, onto her shirt and cascaded down her legs, ice cold and sopping her black hair. The rivulets didn’t seem to end, still falling from above her slowly, what must have been at least five gallons.

           Mikasa, somewhat in shock, brought her wet hands up to her face slowly, parting her soaked hair and looked upwards. The large white bucket dangled from the tree branch above her, tied to a string that, when she followed it with her eyes, was held by fingers belonging to a familiar face—the stupid Garrison transfer. Looking farther up the tree, she saw his other friends from the night before crouching on higher branches. All together, they climbed down, laughing again, but this time it held a tone of malice. The rest of the crowd around her didn’t seem to know how to respond; some laughed nervously, and some—those who knew what Mikasa was capable of—stayed silent and waited for a sound beating to befall the three men.

           Mikasa was frozen, the water dumped onto her now so cold that it seemed to soak into her bones. She wasn’t even sure how to feel, humiliated, angry, sad? Beating the shit out of the men in front of her didn’t occur to her at all, she was just…confused. Nothing similar to her current situation had ever happened to her. She looked over at Eren—as if wanting some sort of explanation or guidance on what to do next—whose mouth was slightly open in surprise. Even Jean did nothing, simply stared at her, which was when she realized her state of dress, her minimal workout clothing stuck to her like a second skin, and her nipples hard as rock from the cold. She immediately crossed her arms back over her chest, her anger now climbing.

           The men laughed harder now, along with other people in the crowd, as she decided what to do. She could kill them with her bare hands; it wouldn’t take long to snap their necks.

           The man looked around at his handiwork, taking pride in causing the laughter around him. Mikasa made to move, intent on crushing him like the insect he was, but then felt herself nearly knocked aside as someone rushed by, quick as lightning.

           Captain Levi shot the heel of his hand upwards into the new recruit’s nose, a loud CRACK interrupting any other thoughts in the yard. He brought his hands up to his face, bending over and looking up at his attacker. Levi gave him just enough time to get a glimpse at just who was about to hand his ass to him before locking one hand around his throat and the other around his belt, easily lifting him up over his head and throwing him several feet away.

           Levi then prowled toward him, and before he could even lift himself onto his forearms, the Captain was on him again, a knee on his chest to hold him down as Levi’s fist met his jaw, then his right cheekbone, then his nose again before stopping. He rose from the ground, embedding his foot where his knee had been. The man was just barely conscious enough to listen.

           Levi looked around at the crowd before raising his voice. “Many of you are new here, so consider this lesson as your first warning.” His gaze returned to the thoroughly beaten recruit beneath him, but his voice remained calm and loud with just a hint of threat. “No one, under any circumstances, fucks with any one from my squad.” He kicked the recruit then, right in the ribs, and effectively caused him to finally black out. Mikasa almost felt bad for him; after just four hits from the Captain, his face was an unrecognizable, bloody mess.

           “Mess with my squad, and you’ll have me to answer to. And believe me,” Levi continued, hopping off the man’s chest, “you don’t want that.” A shiver ran up Mikasa’s spine, and she was briefly brought back to the Forest of Giant Trees when her Captain had sliced Annie’s titan so quickly she’d barely been able to watch; he’d been full of rage then, and Mikasa thought perhaps that his advice from weeks ago had been ignored in that moment, for he was full of anger, though it didn’t get the better of him like it did Mikasa. Or maybe he had learned how to contain it and use it when the time called for it.

           He walked to Mikasa, whose face betrayed her shock. “Come, Ackerman,” he ordered her, and she fell into step beside him, not even bothering to hide her chest anymore. He unhooked his green cloak from his neck and swung it around her, his hands lingering for just a second on her biceps. She clasped it around her, thankful that it was still warm. She didn’t know where they were going, didn’t know what to say at all, but still followed him, keeping up easily with his brisk pace.

           “Captain!” Eren said as they passed him and Armin, he followed closely but had trouble keeping up and weaving through the crowd.

           Levi looked over at her adoptive brother, and with almost as much bite as his earlier statements, said, “What the fuck is wrong with you, Yeager? Your sister gets harassed and you just stand there with your thumbs up your ass.”

           Eren fell behind then, and Mikasa did not manage to see his reaction. Once they were clear of all the people and back inside the main building, she spoke, “Captain…I’m not mad at Eren, so you don’t need to be.”

           “Tch,” was his only response.

           “You didn’t need to do that, you know. I was about to let him have it,” she said. Silence again. “I appreciate it, though.” She still couldn’t look at him. The wonderful smell coming off his cloak was another distraction.

           “I know I didn’t need to. You’re perfectly capable of defending yourself,” he replied, and she was taken aback by the compliment. “Even though you’re shit at controlling your emotions. Took you long enough to decide how you were going to handle the situation. Either shit or get off the pot, Ackerman.” He just had to ruin it, didn’t he?

           “But really, I…wanted to. I meant what I said. I don’t want anyone thinking they can just fuck with…my squad like that.” Mikasa was briefly caught on the hesitation in his voice when he said ‘my squad’. She allowed herself to wonder if he’d been about to say ‘you’ instead.

           They walked in comfortable silence until they reached the women’s bathhouse. Mikasa didn’t even realize until later that she never even told him that’s where she had been headed.

           “Keep it for now,” he said when she tried to hand him back his cloak.

           Suddenly they were standing there, awkward, unsure of how to say goodbye and end this particular moment in time.

           He sighed. “I need to find a way to get a better hold of these transferees.”

           “Yeah, you do,” she agreed. “They were running around in diapers last night made with our flag.”

He shook his head in annoyance before turning to leave. “You smell like shit, Ackerman. I bet that water they dumped on you wasn’t even clean.”

           Mikasa grimaced at the idea of what else they had poured in that bucket. “Thanks again, Captain.” She saluted him, and he walked away.

           She walked into the women’s bathroom, realizing just how badly she did smell, and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, wearing his cloak. The sight brought a small smile to her face, and she didn’t take it off until the water started to run warm.

           Months later found the last members of the Survey Corps traveling through the Inner city of Mitras, helping with the movement of citizens from the overpopulated and crowded city into the now regained territory within Wall Maria. All members of Squad Levi followed their Captain on horseback, squeezing between the many citizens like knitting needles on a quilt.

           And to make matters worse, the people had all of their belongings on their backs, as much as they could carry, filling the already non-existent empty spaces and causing extreme irritation on both parties.

           Levi had taken the front, and Mikasa the rear in order to balance out the skill of their group. Armin, ever the observant one, stayed in front of her to watch for trouble, while Eren rode in front of him. Honestly, Mikasa had been surprised when the Captain informed them of their assigned duty today, especially after having helped clean the debris from the outmost wall cities for the last six months; she thought they had earned a break. But it was Hanji’s idea, and no one was going to argue orders from their new Commander, who seemed frazzled enough as it was these days.

           Throughout their ride, Captain Levi had gotten many shouts of recognition from admirers, some even attempting to push their way through the horde just to get a glimpse of him, the Underground Thug Turned Hero. Eren also received many words of gratitude, though these he handled much differently than his scowling Captain.

           This wasn’t just a dispersing of regular citizens into new territory, either, as they had been briefed that all Underground residents would also be moved to live within Wall Maria by order of her Majesty Queen Historia. It was easy to tell them apart from the regular above ground-inhabitants. Their skin was pallid, and many of them seemed to be weak in the knees as they walked with a detectable limp. Mikasa couldn’t help but wonder if Levi had been the same way before joining the world under the sunlight, and how many of her friends would be dead if he had never been coerced into joining the Scouting Legion.

           “Look, it’s Captain Levi!”

           “Eren Yaeger!”

           Levi ignored the cheers while Eren waved awkwardly. Mikasa watched as a couple of Military Police broke up a fight between two men to her left, debating whether she should step in and help or not.

           Just when she had made up her mind to leave it to the MP, she heard another loud, angry voice ahead of her. She leaned over in her saddle to see that their crawl had slowed even more, the cause being—by the looks of it—a man covered in filth, face contorted in anger, with a hand gripping Levi’s knee. She could not hear what exactly the man was saying to her captain, but she surmised it was not gratitude like many of the others.

           Levi had recognized the man’s face as soon as he made eye contact. His name was Bron, a fellow thief from the Underground, about twenty years Levi’s senior. They had not gotten along well during Levi’s time living there, and from the expression on Bron’s face, that fact had not changed whatsoever.

           He weaved through the crowd and approached Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, and having the nerve to grab Levi’s knee which was level with his shoulder, said, “Levi.” Bron’s smell wafted upwards, and Levi wrinkled his nose.

           “Bron,” Levi replied, looking down at his unfocused, bloodshot eyes, “It’s been some time.” Levi’s gaze drifted to the dirty hand on his knee, tempted to cut off the mud-crusted fingers.

           “Almost seven years,” Bron said. “You might have a fancy title and your own money now, but you’re still a midget son of a whore to me.”

           If he was aiming to spark a reaction out of the Captain, he would be sorely disappointed. “And you are still a filthy drunk who doesn’t know when to keep his shithole shut. Nice to know some things never change,” he replied tonelessly. Bron gritted his teeth, furious, as if what Levi had said had been twice as offensive as his own insults. Levi could sense the eyes of his squad upon him, curious about their conversation.

           “You—” but Bron wasn’t able to finish that thought, for Levi grabbed the hand on his knee and squeezed, feeling the bones crack beneath. Bron shrieked in pain, trying desperately to pull his hand away, but the Corporal held on even tighter.

           Behind him, Sasha and Connie looked at each other nervously; they were supposed to be containing trouble, not causing it. Levi released the man’s crushed fingers and said nothing more, leading his horse forward to continue their task.

           Bron stared in shock at his hand as Squad Levi passed him one by one, all trying and failing to avoid looking at him. Mikasa had missed most of the conversation because of the thick chatter around her, and watched the man as she led her horse forward. Just as she was about to pass him, he turned around and grabbed a knife with his good hand from his own bag. Mikasa watched him locate the back of Levi’s unsuspecting head and lean into a crouch, ready to swing the dagger over his head.

           Mikasa lifted her feet out of the stirrups to stand on her saddle. She leapt off from the seat and jumped onto the man, one heel in his cheek and the other in his sternum. He crashed beneath her to the ground, and she grabbed both his hands, knocking the knife out of his reach as she shoved his arms behind him. He cried out when she made contact with his broken fingers and forced his face into the gravel.

           The rest of the squad only caught the tail end of the incident, and watched as the Military Police came to take the man off Mikasa’s hands and drag him away. Mikasa made eye contact with her captain as she remounted her horse. Levi’s bored expression did not falter, and neither did his gaze. After several seconds of their awkward staring contest, Mikasa looked away, and then the squad was on their way again.

           Later that night, as Mikasa was on her way to the room she and Sasha were stationed in during their travel, she passed by Commander Hanji and Captain Levi talking in hushed tones. Still quite far from them, Mikasa strained her ears to listen.

           “How did he do it, Levi?” Hanji’s voice broke on the captain’s name, and suddenly Mikasa wished she had taken a different way to her sleeping quarters. She certainly did not want to barge in on what seemed to be a breakdown of the new Commander. Luckily Hanji’s back was to her, with Levi directly in front so that all Mikasa could make out was the top half of his face over Hanji’s shoulder. She briefly contemplated turning around and avoiding the scene altogether, but Levi’s eyes met with her own and flashed in warning. Don’t move, they said.

           Hanji brought her hands up to her face, and Mikasa could see the small shaking of her shoulders. “I don’t know if I can do this,” her words came muffled through her fingers.

           Levi lifted a stiff hand to Hanji’s shoulder in an effort to calm her. “You can do it, he chose you as his replacement. I wholeheartedly trust his judgment.” Mikasa was taken aback by the kindness in his usually harsh voice.

           A sniffle, and then, “You do?”

           “Of course I do; you think I would have followed his constipated ass all these years if I hadn’t? He knows what’s best for humanity, even when he’s dead. And that includes you being Commander of the Survey Corps.”

           Hanji was silent, and it wasn’t until her body stopped shaking that she spoke again. “Why wasn’t it you?” she asked quietly.

           “What do you mean?” Mikasa heard Levi ask, but she could tell he knew what Hanji was asking.

           “Why didn’t he choose you?”

           “Does it matter?” Levi asked.

           “No, I guess not…but I’d like to know. You’re better with commands, and they listen to you.”

           “Not true. They don’t all listen to me, Four Eyes,” at this, Mikasa watched his eyes swerve to her face, and couldn’t help but crack a small smile. “And if they do, it’s because they’re afraid of me.”

           “You’ve garnered most of humanity’s respect. You should have been made Commander,” Hanji said dejectedly.

           “No, you were made Commander because you have what it takes to ensure humanity’s survival. I don’t. I’ve made that quite clear over the last several years.”

           Hanji sighed. Levi stared up at her with furrowed eyebrows, determined to make her see things his way.

           “There’s also the fact that I don’t want that role,” he continued gently. The further their conversation went, the more shocked Mikasa became by his demeanor, so unlike his usual self. She knew that Levi and Hanji were somewhat close friends, but never realized or considered the extent of their relationship.

           “I’m sorry for getting so carried away. I know you don’t enjoy seeing this,” Hanji said, removing her glasses to wipe her face with her sleeve, causing Levi to grimace.

           “You just need more faith in yourself, Shitty Glasses. Erwin believed in you, and so do I.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

           Hanji sniffled again. “Thanks, Levi. It means a lot to me.” She put her glasses back on, though they still fit awkwardly because of her bulky eye patch. They said their goodbyes and Mikasa tried to sink into the nearest building so that Hanji wouldn’t see her. The Commander walked the opposite way, however, and never turned in the younger soldier’s direction.

           Levi waited for Hanji’s form to disappear before beckoning Mikasa toward him.

           “Is she going to be okay?” Mikasa asked.

           “Of course she will. She has to be. People always find a way to be stronger than they feel when the time is right,” he replied, motioning for her to walk alongside him. She followed, still lost in thought about his kind words and actions.

           “I wondered too, you know,” she started, unsure if she should follow the path of conversation but pushing through anyway, “why you weren’t named Commander.”

           Levi blinked in irritation. He’d been asked this question many times in the last months, but always came up with some bullshit excuse. But he knew he could be honest with Mikasa Ackerman. She knew how cruel the world worked.

           “I told Hanji the truth, the part about me not wanting that position,” he said. “And that I don’t have what it takes to ensure humanity’s survival.”

           Mikasa thought this statement absurd. “But you’ve saved more people than anyone in the entire walls. You ensure humanity’s survival every day.”

           Levi came to an abrupt stop and turned to face her, a small smirk on his lips. “If I didn’t know better, I’d take that as a compliment from you.” Mikasa blushed and tugged her scarf upward.

           He scratched the back of his neck, thinking about how to word his next explanation. He decided to just be blunt. “I can’t send people off to their deaths,” he admitted. He could tell this confused Mikasa, and he explained further, “Erwin sent soldiers and comrades to their early grave every single time we left the walls. He used the Military Police and even regular citizens as bait in order to achieve his goal of discovering the truth. And he did it under the pretense that he was saving humanity. I…I could never do that. And I know that his decisions were always right. I trusted every decision he ever made. But he always made choices for other people. I don’t want that, nor could I ever settle into a role like that.”

           “And you think Hanji can? Send people off to their deaths for the greater good?” Mikasa asked, now thoroughly thrown off balance by their conversation.

           “Yes,” he said with zero hesitation. “Could you?”

           The question jolted through her like alcohol, but her answer was quick. “No,” she said honestly, but decided to leave out unless it concerned Eren. He surveyed her face, deciphering whether she was lying or not.

           “Well, Mikasa, I hope you never have to make that call.” He began walking again, and she fell in step with him once more, taking confidence in his use of her first name.

           “Who was that guy today?” she asked, “the one who threatened you?”

           “He is just some shit eater from the Underground that I used to know,” he replied. “I was wrong not to think he would react so stupidly. You did well.”

           “I just didn’t want any citizens to get hurt,” she replied, trying to tamper down the butterflies in her stomach from the obvious compliment.

           “Right, and it had nothing to do with the fact that he was aiming for me?” Levi asked.

           “No,” she replied. “I know you are perfectly capable of defending yourself.” She turned his words from months ago around on him, and glancing out of the corner of his eye, he saw her eyes brighten with concealed mirth.

           They reached the door of his sleeping quarters then, and both captain and subordinate stopped. Mikasa noticed his tired eyes then; ever since Erwin’s death, her captain seemed more tired with every passing day. She wondered then if she would be in his shoes if it had been Armin who died in Erwin’s place, if Levi had instead chosen his friend over hers. Would they still be sharing this playful banter if he had chosen the Commander instead? She highly doubted it. She would resent him forever in that case, she knew it. But the fact remained that he had chosen Armin, had decided to put his own feelings aside and saved the Shinganshina trio from losing another family member, and he did not seem to resent her. He was a better person than she was, something she had come to realize in the recent months.

           “Is that what you want? For me to be Commander?” he asked, returning to their earlier conversation.

           Mikasa considered him for a moment. Sure, she had thought of him as being Commander of the Survey Corps, and was honest when she said she thought he would have gotten the position next. But did she want him as Commander? That was not something she had contemplated.

           “You said you didn’t want to be Commander,” she said, curious as to why this mattered.

           “I didn’t ask for my opinion, Ackerman, I asked for yours,” he said, “If I were Commander, you would no longer be part of my squad. I wouldn’t have a squad at all. Is that what you want?”

           Mikasa blinked, this revelation news to her. Of course he wouldn’t have a squad anymore. The entire Corps would be his to order around—all eight of its remaining members. Mikasa did not like the idea of this; Squad Levi always worked as a unit. Without their Captain, what were they? What would become of Eren? He had been successful in keeping her brother alive where she doubted anyone else could have. Would they have been assigned a new Squad Leader once the Survey Corps gained more members? Could Levi have picked a replacement for himself that was to her standards? No, she thought, no one can replace him.

           She shook her head. “No. I don’t want that.”

           He seemed satisfied by this answer, watching as the wheels turned in her head. “Good. I don’t want that either.”

           Humanity’s Strongest Soldiers stood together in the hall a few seconds longer before bidding each other good night, and Mikasa walked to her room a few doors down, repeating his words in her head.

           I don’t want that either.

           And after everything they had been through, Mikasa sincerely hoped that Levi would be their captain for many years to come.

[inmomni]

No. 14

It was after my youth group’s 2015 winter retreat that i got saved for like, the third time that my best friend and i had an interesting conversation about our sin.  I remember we were on a night hike with a few other of my church friends when i suddenly started to get a strong urge for a cigarette.  I hadn't had one since the start of the winter retreat, which was about two weeks ago then and a long time for me.  It brought up this kind of frustration in me.  Not because the craving was getting worse, but because i had just been saved, again.  See in my mind, if you were with Jesus, you should just want to sin because of this new found love that you have for Jesus now; so in turn, that would make you naturally hate sin, ya know? Sharing the comment with Caleb, it sparked some talk about the fallenness of man and how we innately fall away from God, you know the gist, and we went on for about an hour when pent up with frustration about how i still want sin after all that God had shown me, after knowing what He did for me, after experiencing how much He loves me, 

 I said, “I wish God could just make us love him so much right now that we would never dare to sin again.”  

And from there my difficult journey of becoming a disciple of God started.

God works independently from you.  This is something that He has been teaching and showing me in this current season of my life.  I always had this imagery that depicted how I came to faith, and how I’m being sustained now: me being dragged by a rope tied to my hand by God.  Let me explain.  Looking at my faith, my life, my experiences, etc., I feel like i missed out.  I feel as if because God made me a Christian so early on with such strong convictions that i wasn't able to really have fun in high school.  As in the sex, drugs, alcohol portion of it.  A culture that always sounded so alluring and enticing because it gives you a good status; a “cool” status or reputation, one where no one has to question who you are, just as long as your there to have fun, you're family.  But my ties to the church prevented me from fully immersing in that culture, and i really did genuinely try to be a good christian while struggling with this sense of being cheated by God.  So this lead me to do something else: just drift in and out of the two. Not like split life type of deal, but just over the course of time that has passed up since then and now, I have tried, just once, a good number of drugs, was a pretty fat stoner, and am still currently working on getting rid of nicotine.  I hardly ever read the bible regularly, prayer was on SOS duty, but still during this entire time, I was, and honestly still now,  going to church, singing my songs, and repping the name of Jesus to those who knew I went to church.  

I thought I knew what a christian should look like.  I’ve been to church all my life, so that being said, I think I have a pretty good idea of what an idealized modern day non-Jesus Christian would be like: 

- Prays for at least 30 mins a day, an hour if it didn't cry at all to “push through and seek the Lord”....Or an hour if you did cry cause, you cried and you had a moment with Jesus.   - Reads the word every day without fail, even if you don’t have time for it cause you’re too busy serving, you get it in somehow by listening to an ESV ebook bible or through your 2min New Morning Mercies. - Just exudes Jesus everywhere they go, like to the point where you feel so sinful if you're around them, but somehow they're so humble that it doesn't even cross your mind. - Raises their hands every single worship song at some point in the chorus and definitely the verses cause no one raises their hands for those - Every single conversation they have in passing turns into some life changing prophetic revelation for both parties involved           The list can go on, but because of this mismatched lifestyle of knowing what is good but not living it out, there emerged a very cyclic pattern starting since senior year of high school: 

Summer is so good, its great, restful, had a bunch of fun, ready to get back to work Fall initially is really good, meeting up with friends, keeping up with academics, motivated, I’m doing okay with God, reading here and there, not consistently, but reading at least, not doing bad things and such... then it starts to drop off around late October. I start getting less motivated, missing more classes, sleeping in more, trying to escape reality more.

Winter is super bad, just bummy lazy disgusting, right up until finals week approaches from where I jump up out of bed and turn into a study machine

This carries on past spring and then probably into summer again.  Then it repeats. 

But during these times there have been moments where God affirmed me in my spiritual growth, all in retrospect of course.

I remember a time at Chick-fil-a with Caleb after serving at VBS where one of these moments happened. We had just finished up a day where the theme was the good news.  For some context, we started the day with a staff meeting where the pastor told us about the theme, what kind of message she will be sharing, the weight of this day and the significance it could have on the kids. Everyone was “mmm-ing” in agreement and prayer was loud so you know people were passionate, but i wasn't really in the mood.  I really wasn’t in a good place in my faith, then again when have i ever been, and i just said yes to a pastor that said they were understaffed.  So I brought along Caleb, who was walking with the Lord at the time.  But prayer was only 3 minutes long because the meeting started too late.  So everything started getting pushed back a little bit.  Stations were shorter, and the station leaders were rushing things to pass the group to the next station to the point where by the end, all the crew leaders were a little bit disoriented and tired.  So back to the scene at Chick-fil-a, after ordering food, I asked him, “Hey, what did you think about today?” He responded with a “It was kinda weird”, a prodding question to see what I’m thinking.  I started explaining how they didn't do the gospel justice, how this wasn't something that was deserving of being rushed or just gotten over with, especially if it is for these kids.  At one point, some guy paraphrased the gospel to, “uhh we sinned, Jesus died on the cross for them, and, oh shoot were out of time, can the crew leaders explain the rest on the way to the next station”

I was getting really emotional, and tears started running down my eyes at which point caleb asked me why I was crying.  I didn't understand his question, until i remembered that all the conversations we had and all the things he’s seen me do don't point to an impassioned college student upset because his church’s VBS didn't do the gospel enough justice when presenting it to 5-10 year olds.  That was when I realized God has taught me the weight of his gospel

There were other instances like this:

When i first got to Biola, and I hated it, but God told me through the song i hated the most during high school  (Christ is Enough) that though i may think that i failed because I only got into Biola, Hes bringing me to a place where I can say Christ is all I need, and he placed that desire in my heart

Placing me in Torrey so that I would have a deeper knowledge of the word and how to converse with people, and having that show up at a party half tipsy with a bunch of non-christians who were talking philosophy of a higher being and of a purpose in life

Seeing that through every cycle of highs and lows, regardless of how low that low was, I still came back to a place where God met me

This cycle continued starting senior year of high school, to hopefully not now, getting worse every single year, as in the depressed months started to bleed past their previous marks. Until last year, my junior year, when I failed 3 classes second semester. 

It had lasted til May.  

At that point i perceived myself as for what i thought i had become.  It was my junior year, and I’m a bio major.  I’m trying to become a doctor, but now I’m not even sure of that anymore.   I’m a slob, my sleeping schedule is a mess, I'm not even properly eating and what the heck is up with that, I don’t go to the gym anymore,  I’m not loving on the people that are close to me well at all I feel so selfish and twisted I feel so sinful, Holy i feel so dirty I feel so far from God, am i really a christian? I barely read the bible,  when was the last time i talked to God?  No other than a Sunday. I’ve been a Christian, or a so called christian for how long now?  Almost 8 years now? almost eight years.  Even after all these years I can't get this thing going God, I’m such a failure, I’ve tried so hard.  To be a Christian, to stay in the faith, but it’s too hard.  I don’t get it, and i don't understand it.  If i did, then i wouldn't be like this.  If i was a christian, I wouldn't be doing X, Y, and Z or i would have fixed this part of myself ages ago.  I should have had a consistent routine with God by now, talking with him, I should be the ideal christian by now.  IF I had truly been a christian up til now, holy, I’ve lived 21 years exposed to the gospel, and I don’t know how to do this thing.  I should just give up, I need to leave, 

But where would I go? 

Ecclesiastes puts it so well (I love this book) when it says that EVERYTHING is meaningless.  If you really think about it, there is no point to life. To pass on your genes? To have the most toys at the end of your life? To be a powerful change in society to those who are equally as insignificant and pointless as you are? as if your possible change will bring about anything more than which is your mere humanity, which is what, simplified by science, nothing more than a generation 10000 monkey all within a world that is dying and rotting each day that passes.  

So it’s either God, or death.  

Well, I don’t want to die... Yeah I really don’t want to die, so then how do I do this

HOW can I do this?  I’ve failed so many times I could probably map out and predict up until when I’ll be depressed, what I’ll be doing during that time

God, I don’t know what to do. That’s when it became clear to me.  If you've noticed by now, I’ve used the word “I” so many times up til this point.  God just started highlighting all of the I’s I used, and he started replacing them with His name.  and it all started to click.  Maybe the reason I failed all these times was to bring me to a place where I could say, with my heart inside out, “God help me please, I don't know what to do.”  I tried to do things my own way for 3 almost 4 years now and i failed every single time, maybe its time to look towards God and not myself.   God reminded me of a passage in Numbers 21:6-9 where it talks about God sending fiery serpents to the people of Israel.  These snakes were sent to kill people with their venom because of their sin and rebellion, and the passage says that many died from these snakes.  So the people cried out to Moses, and Moses to God, who instructed Moses to erect a bronze serpent in the middle of camp (on a standard) so that if any man looks on the serpent, that even if they get bit, they will live.  Now, a thing about snakes, they're not that tall, so the area that they'll probably bite you, if you're not laying down in snake infested areas, around your feet, legs, ankles, all areas that you have too look down to see.  So you’re here, dodging snakes on the ground for dear life, when Moses comes around and says to look up at this serpent so that you'll be saved.  I’m guessing that this bronze snake was up on a tall pole or structure so that not just people in the vicinity would see it, but people all over camp, which meant that if you wanted to look at the bronze snake, you'd have to take your eyes completely off the ground.  So you're surrendering your own ability to do the best you can to defend yourself from these serpents risking death, or to look up at a bronze statue of a serpent to live.  And get this, the bible doesn't even say healed, just “will live”, meaning to me that it probably still hurt like hell when they got bit, but they lived, which they wouldn't if they tried to do it on their own.  Our protocol is just to look at Him, nothing else, not to look good in front of him, not to hide your sins, not to say this or that, but to look at God like a child and say “help please”.  

Now

How do you do that.  

🤷🏻‍♂️

I don’t know what I’m doing.  I’m trying to read more.  Pray more, I don’t know what it looks like to do what I said just now, or what that actually looks like.  But regardless of what I know, or what I understand, God is doing things behind the scenes for my good.  That there is no other reason, there can't be any other explanation than the grace that God gives me and sustains me with.  In this most darkest season of my life, I have never understood more clearly what it means to work out your faith with fear and trembling, to know that I am a christian despite all my crap, that despite how hard I may want to leave, not even I can pluck myself out of Gods hand, because of the way He’s been teaching and shaping my heart. Grace prepares the heart for salvation, it is grace that one receives salvation, and it is through grace that salvation is sustained and sanctification is occurring.  I don’t know how I got here and how to get to where I need to be, but I just know that God’s got this.  

So I’m just going to take that and run.