#and then my sister was like dad is scared you’re gonna break the car 😭

[sunuism]

who up disappointing their parents

[unknwnxquantity]

My downfall is how I try to keep memories alive. I get scared I’ll forget them forever so I replay random memories from years and years ago to keep it alive in my brain so they don’t go down the abyss —the memory dump— like bing bong from inside out. Like a random Cartoon Network commercial of the scooby doo fruit snacks (or was it a cereal commercial?) from a pre recorded episode of justice league unlimited. Or me being on my sister’s computer in her room (during her teen years/my childhood) whether it was playing the Sims, Disney Magic Artist Studio game, being on iTunes or YouTube, right under her top bunk bed that you had to climb the ladder to get onto and we would sleep together in her bed sometimes bc we were besties. And the metal from the bed would constantly shake as if it would break on you any minute even if you moved an inch. Or when she gave me my first bratz doll that was hers, Cameron, and it started my little journey playing with bratz. Or when I had my hot pink razr flip phone 💁‍♀️ and would watch music on demand and put the phone close to the tv speaker to record the chorus of J Holidays Bed as my ringtone (I was not even double digits bro😭). Or being in this after school program in middle school for that one year and it being some of the best times of my life. Or that one time we got to text Disney channel which Hannah Montana episode we wanted to air before the others (it was out of 3 episodes… or 2? Idk if anyone knows what I’m talking about). Or my three way phone calls (after 8? Or 9pm? So it wouldn’t take from my minutes) I had with my two friends from that middle school at the time late at night and the one always having to hang up and being unreachable by phone half the time lol. Or listening to Alicia keys try sleeping with a broken heart on my sisters old iPod mini she gave me and had her songs still on it, and I sat on the floor heartbroken (like I knew what love was) for my 6th grade crush that had no idea I was obsessed with her😭 but all my friends did bc I’d alwaysss talk about how cute she was. Or my little big planet days being friends with people from the UK and building and playing levels. Or the first time I got my period and I was playing that game and texting that same crush at the time (I think I told her about it). It was summer, and my family and I were going somewhere In New York later that day, and my parents were in a weird period in their divorce where they were still together. Or going to see my cousins in the Bronx when I was younger almost every weekend at one point, with my one guy cousin who’s a year older and I thought he was the coolest person ever and I wanted to be him. Or being on vacation with my fam every year to Orlando til I was 11, and being in the car on the highway to Seaworld (we’d go to universal mostly tho) and Dolphin and Gold by Prince playing and it just feeling magical. We always listened to Prince. Or a random memory after an away softball game? Basketball game? From sophomore year of hs and thinking to myself, staring out the bus window on the ride back to our school, about why I think so deeply and feeling so alone in that and in my thoughts.

I like to keep random memories alive. I actively search for them to keep them in my consciousness and retrieve them like archives. I’m scared of forgetting. I’ve always been like that. Yearning for the past ever since I reached my teens. Escaping my reality. My dads like that too 🤣 But then it’s like… you miss what’s right in front of you right now that is gonna be something you’re nostalgic for in a couple years from now. It’s definitely my biggest setback. I just feel so connected to my past and my roots. My family, old tv shows, old connections, old video games. It’s what keeps me here today. But my life path is about letting go. I hold on with a death grip lol. What does it feel like to live in the present?