#and then make it everyone's problem by constantly going in circles around each other and driving them nuts

[journey-to-the-attic]

Or more in the spirit of couples for pride, in which au were Solomon and Mephisto holding hands? Multiple? And was it before or after being separated by a morality crisis?

(I’m pretty sure it’s morality crisis or identity loss via cave leading to morality crisis just about every time.)(cave = ground opening = pit since I think the stuck in cave was wizard mirror scan turned real au and 7th circle pit is basically a cave)

they do it in every universe but that chain of events was in reference to them in jtta! this is how that timeline goes:

sonno names diavolo acting ruler and goes to sleep in the archaic pit, leaving mephisto displaced in a devildom that doesn't really need him anymore

mephisto leaves the devildom in search of something to do and meets solomon, who is currently in isolation with his magic study/experimentation in a cabin in uninhabited corner of the world

both being lonely, mephisto having nowhere in particular to be, and solomon being interested in pacts and demonic magic, mephisto lives with him for a while

this could last for anywhere from six months to like a century, given their lifespans, but this is where the hand-holding (and pact-making) occurs (this is also where an anon was asking if they had fucked)

mephisto grows restless, having been a servant for an eternity, and abruptly leaves, seeking purpose - but intending to come back

he returns to the devildom, briefly befriends levi, and uses the HoL's underground tomb as a route down to the seventh circle, where he attempts to seek sonno, fucks up, and falls into the pit

mephisto gets, for lack of a better word, destroyed by the pit's security measures, and his pact with solomon is severed in the process

in the human world, solomon feels the pact break and assumes that he has been abandoned for good

mephisto later crawls back to the devildom, is found an inch from death and rescued by astaroth, and is too ashamed upon recovery to return to solomon

(i have no idea what wizard mirror au you're referring to though - is it the rpg au? where solomon's past life's memories were sealed in a mirror?)

[daycourtofficial]

Hello. If you don't mind can I request a fic with cassian with a shy reader where she and Cassian have been trying to get pregnant for years, but reader starts doubting herself when seeing the rest of the inner circle females like feyre and elain getting pregnant, and thinking cassian will leave her because it is taking them ages to get pregnant...but Cassian reassures her and all...and weeks later reader finds out she is pregnant and surprises cassian with the news...

Ask and you shall receive! This is actually super super cute so thank you for this request!

A Teeny, Tiny Illyrian Warrior

Summary: after years of trying, you break down crying to Cassian over your inability to conceive, only to find out several months later that you are expecting

It was irrational. You should be happy for Elain, sweet Elain who you considered a great friend. Elain, who after several years of healing, figured out what she wanted, and moved to live with Lucien to help rebuild the spring court, just announced she was pregnant.

Making her the third Archeron to be pregnant, with Nesta and Eris having a baby a few years prior.

It was exhausting. Everyone around you was churning out babies, except for you and Cassian. You’ve both wanted kids for so long, but when Rhys was trapped under the mountain, the two of you decided to pause your dreams to help run and maintain Velaris in his absence. The fear of a child growing up in Amarantha’s reign was terrifying enough to keep the dreams at bay.

The tonic you took every day to keep you from getting pregnant had felt like sewage down your throat.

When Rhys had returned, you were so excited not just for your brother in law’s return, but for what it meant for you and Cassian. You could try. And try you did. You let Amarantha stop you from conceiving, but the war with Hybern would do no such thing.

So the two of you spent the first few years excited, constantly tearing at each other’s clothes. Until your cycles would come. And come. And come, each one a reminder of what isn’t to come.

Then Feyre got pregnant, and you were ecstatic, over the moon. Then Nesta got pregnant a few years later. You were still happy, but the jealousy was clawing your throat. Now Elain’s pregnant, and it is taking every ounce of strength not to ask why her.

The past year sex has almost felt more like a chore than pleasure, your empty womb keeping both of you wanting more.

You plaster on a smile, congratulate the two of them, and after dinner you go and slink away into the bathroom, hide your head in your hands, and sob.

Sob because it should be you announcing your pregnancy. Sob because everyone should be happy for you. Sob because what if Cassian decides you’re not enough?

He sees all these females getting pregnant - what if he decides you’re the problem? He could find loads of females willing to fill that role. Does he wonder how quickly he could impregnate them?

Your sobs are so out of control that you don’t hear the door open and close and a body sits next to you.

“Here,” he says, handing you a handkerchief. You pull your hands away to find Azriel, your other brother in law.

You and Azriel were incredibly close - both of you perfect foils to Cassian’s loud, swaggering personality. The two of you were more quiet and observant, Cass being enough personality for the three of you.

You accept the handkerchief, wiping your eyes and blowing your nose, creating the ugliest noise imaginable.

Azriel stretches out his long legs, resting his back against the cabinet. “I know it’s hard,” he says, reaching out to rub your back, “but it will be okay.”

You lean into him, and choke out, “what if he decides I’m not enough? That he could easily find someone who is able to get pregnant?”

Azriel’s hand halts its soothing strokes for a brief moment before continuing. “If you think for one moment he would ever be separated from you by his own choice, think again.”

You go to respond but he cuts you off, “Cassian would cut off his own hand before willingly letting go of yours.”

You two sit there, his words echoing through your mind, when he starts again.

“For what it’s worth,” he says, standing up, “if your child has his eyes and your smile, it’ll blow all the other babies out of the water with its cuteness.”

You smile, accepting the hand he reaches out for you, “I always knew you had a soft spot for Cass’s eyes.”

He laughs, tucking your hand into his elbow to lead you out, “they’re just so pitiful. He pouts and he looks like a kicked puppy.”

You laugh, allowing him to escort you back to the dining room, back to your family.

Later that night, as you and Cassian are taking a bath, you decide to broach the subject that’s been bouncing around your head since Azriel found you in the bathroom.

“What if we stop trying?”

Cassian’s hand reaches up from behind you to cup your face, tilting your chin back so you can look at him, “Stop trying what?”

“Stop trying for a baby.”

His grin is gone immediately, about to ask if you’ve changed your mind, and you spin in his laps to meet his eyes.

You grab his chin and tell him, “I don’t mean like we give up. I mean we stop trying. Sex has felt like a chore for a while, and I miss it being fun. Now it’s just a means to an end.

“I want fun sex, I want dirty sex, I want it all. But I want to stop our ‘only doing this to have a baby’ sex. I won’t take the tonic, but I’m tired of the heartbreak. If it happens, it happens.”

He looks at you, your wet hair making you look even more like a goddess to him, as he cups your chin and asks, “are you sure, love?”

You smile, “yes. Maybe we can go back to trying in a bit, but I want a break. I don’t like the feelings it’s causing, like I broke down in tears earlier that you would leave me for a more breedable woman.”

Cassian snorts, “did you actually call them breedable women?”

You smack his arm, “poor Azriel found me a blubbering mess. I’m pretty sure he should just burn the handkerchief he gave me because all of the snot and tears made it gain five pounds.”

He chuckles, but then he looks at you, conveying every emotion he feels for you, and you know you were a fool for ever thinking he’d consider leaving you.

“Sweetheart, I would never leave you for such a thing. I want a baby, yes, but I want you more, and I would be perfectly content spending the next thousand years with only you by my side.”

Your legs bracket around his thighs, and you rub your fingers up his arms as you tell him, “I can think of a few ways we could spend those thousand years.”

He throws his head back laughing, and crashes his lips to yours.

-

It had been six months since Elain’s announcement, and the babe was here. Feyre and Rhys traveled to spring to go visit, leaving you, Cassian, and Azriel alone.

Cassian was out shopping for Solstice gifts, an activity you were going to join him for until you woke up not feeling well. After much convincing and promising him if you need anything you’ll get Az to get it for you, he went ahead without you, needing to pick up gifts before shops closed.

After spending the first hour of his departure in the bathroom throwing up what felt like all of your internal organs, you wandered out into the hallway in search of your husband’s brother.

After a fifteen minute search, you found him in the library reading what appears to be a romance novel that Nesta left behind.

“Doing some studying?” You ask, peering over his shoulder at the particularly raunchy scene he was reading.

He jumps, having had no idea of your intrusion. He clears his throat, asking, “weren’t you supposed to go shopping today?”

You walk around the couch, sitting next to him and looking at the cover of the book he was reading.

“I was, but felt ill so I stayed behind and convinced Cassian to go without me.”

He snorts, “bad idea. You reign him in a lot when it comes to gift giving, otherwise he forgets how much he’s already bought for someone and just buys more.”

You were about to agree, your husband’s joy at buying gifts knowing no bounds, when his brother stills, slowly sniffing the air and turning towards you and asking, almost accusatorially, “are you pregnant?”

You look at him, half tempted to yell at him over his inclusion of the sore subject. You felt freer these past few months, less bogged down by the negative emotions your inability to conceive was creating.

Azriel had seen it all with you, acting as a source of comfort during all the uncertainty the past sixty years have shown.

His asking that question and your earlier illness is what led the two of you to see Madja very quickly, who confirmed the pregnancy.

“How am I going to tell him?” You ask Azriel, as you two walk around the Sidra. You already felt guilty that Azriel had been the one with you when you found out and not Cassian, however that guilt subsided when you realized if you weren’t pregnant the disappointment on Cassian’s face would have ruined you.

“Well anytime anyone ever asks Cass for advice, he always steers them towards nudity.”

You laugh at how true the starement was. Feyre asking Cassian advice on a gift for Rhys? Nudity. Rhys asking for advice on a gift for Azriel? Nudity. He was a simple man, he’d tell them in response.

You pass by a baby shop and find your eyes drawn to it, your feet pulling you back in front of the door. Azriel follows your line of sight, sweeping his arm in front of you motioning ‘after you’.

The two of you walk around, looking through baby clothes when a sales associate comes and speaks to you. “Ah are you two expecting?” she chirps, looking pleasantly between the two of you.

You laugh while Azriel blushes and reply, “he’s my husband’s brother.”

The sales associate gapes, her jaw going slack. “Oh um okay, well it’s none of my business-��

Before she can finish rambling, Azriel cuts her off. “I’m helping her pick something out to tell my brother he’s going to be a dad to a child that is not mine.”

She looks between you two and laughs at the mistake. “Did you have anything in mind?”

You tell her that you actually had an idea.

-

When Cassian got home, he was tired from lugging around at least two dozen shopping bags. He was exhausted, but incredibly proud of himself because he’s fairly certain he was able to get gifts for everyone, meaning most, if not all, the shopping was done.

The house was quiet, so he took the opportunity to hide the ruby red necklace and earrings he got for you in this old dried fruit container he kept on a top shelf, a place you’d never search for, much less be able to see.

After the gift was tucked away, he began walking through the house trying to find you, deciding you’d likely be in your shared bedroom. Making his way there he stopped in the hallway, finding a tiny little baby sock on the floor.

He looks around, not finding anything else strange he picks it up and continues his search. Passing through the kitchen he found another baby sock, in the dining room he found a little tiny hat, in another hallway he found a little tiny pair of pants that look just like his fighting leathers.

There must be a naked baby running around here somewhere, he thinks.

Right outside the door to your shared room is a little shirt that also looks just like his fighting leathers, with teeny tiny slats in the back for wings.

He grabs the door knob, twisting to enter the room as he begins asking, “is there a naked tiny Illyrian war-“

He stops dead in his tracks at the oh so subtle smell in the room, coating the room in florals he never thought he’d smell from you. He looks up from the shirt, finding you sitting on your bed with tears in your eyes.

“It’s me, I have a teeny tiny Illyrian warrior so I bought them teeny tiny Illyrian fighting leathers for all the teeny tiny threats they’ll have to fight.”

Your husband takes off running towards you, kissing you like his life depended on it. Then he picked you up off the ground, spun you around, and ran out of your bedroom with you. He’s running through the whole house shouting, “she’s having my baby!” Repeating it over and over, until he almost collides with Azriel. Before Azriel can say anything, Cassian picks him up too, spinning the both of you. All three of you laugh at the pure joy radiating off of Cassian after so many years of wanting.

[obae-me]

The OM Characters and How They Hug

Just a lil bit of fluff for me and for you in these trying times

Lucifer: 

Softly yet protectively. With a relaxed arm curved around the shoulder-blades and one protecting the back of the neck, his hand settled behind the head. As the eldest of his brothers, he is well used to making someone feel safe. He might not do this as often as he used to in the Celestial Realm, but there are still occasions where his brothers come to him for one of these hugs. It’s a hug that tells you he’ll take care of it. No matter the problem, no matter the worry, settle it on his shoulders. His pride can handle it. Sometimes he’ll even unfurl his wings to shelter the person he’s hugging, shielding them from the world, making sure they can’t be seen in their moment of vulnerability. 

Mammon: 

Tightly and passionately. Most of the time it’ll be a simple squeeze, standing side by side with whoever he’s accompanying, an arm around their back as he pulls them against him, shoulders shrugging up against each other, his head lightly bonking against theirs as he grins. But if it’s serious, he’ll pull whoever it is close and tight, his arms slipping under theirs, hands grasping at the back of their clothing as he clings to them. His emotions are always open to everyone, even if he tries to hide it. Whoever Mammon is hugging knows exactly how they feel for him, they can feel it in the burning warmth of his body, in every twitching muscle that holds them to him. Everything about his hugs screams ‘I’m right here with you and I’m not going anywhere’.

Levi: 

Nervously but assuring. He constantly shifts on his feet, his arms moving till they settle wherever feels best, more natural, which usually has his head somewhere near or on their shoulder. Sometimes he’ll even have his tail wrap around their waist. He feels like he’s not good at this, like he’s the last person to go to for a hug. There have to be better options but...whoever it was came to him. He can’t...he doesn’t want to pass up on this opportunity. He isn’t the third oldest and strongest of his siblings for nothing. He can mostly only think on the negative, but sometimes that can come in handy. At least it could be worse. Remember that time when they felt even more awful? At least this wasn’t that moment. At least they were here...with him...together. 

Satan: 

Curiously and surprisingly shakily. He’s wrath and yet he’s been sought out for comfort. He can’t help but wonder why. He hugs simply at first with his arms around their back, his hands clasped behind their body. Yet, he’s a bit...unsteady with it. He’s not a natural at this, and yet...he doesn’t mind it. He turns curious, his arms slowly shifting, tightening ever so slightly till he’s satisfied. Is this helping? He’s better at more logically solving problems than embracing, but...this is fine. It’s nice being depended on every once and a while, being wanted for something calm. He’s more used to holding cats, not people, so whoever it is might be surprised (or not so surprised) to find he’ll start stroking the back of their head in a slow rhythm, his fingers scratching at the base of their skull. 

Asmo:

Lovingly and lightly. His arms wrap up around their shoulders, twirling his fingers in the ends of their hair. His hands explore, finding all the tight spots in their body and trying to rub it out of them in little circles. He’s a wonderful source of hugs. Every touch of his feels delicate and intentional. He even seems to know certain pressure points to alleviate some tension, leaving the brain tingling. In his arms, they’re loved, they’re wanted. Breathe it in calmly. Feel the heart beat. Feel the feeling in your limbs. Focus on the brilliant sensations the body possesses. Distract the mind. Live in the now. Here, with him, they are pampered, admired, beautiful. 

Beel: 

Bone-crushingly tight and supportive. The recipient might not be able to breathe for a minute, but he’ll eventually adjust his own strength, still hugging whoever it is as tightly as they can manage. He likes to cover as much of the person he’s holding as he can, chin on their head if they’re shorter than him, which most are. If they’re taller than him, they should be ready to find themselves pushed down a little to feel smaller. Most times he’ll even pick them up a little off the ground. They can feel easy in his arms. He’ll support them, he’ll carry them, he’ll do whatever it takes to make them feel better. Just tell him what he has to do, or he can simply stand here longer, holding them even tighter. 

Belphie: 

Lazily but comforting. He’ll drape his arms over them if he even moves his arms at all. Most times he simply leans into whoever it is, letting them do the holding. Stay into the hug too long, and it’ll turn into a full out cuddle, almost forcing whoever it is to lie down with him and stay a while. If he has to lie directly on them to keep them from moving, he will. It’s his own way of supporting, of caring. His tail might wrap around their ankles to keep them from walking away. His yawns are infectious, making the other person yawn. His soft breathing slowly seeps its way into their lungs, making them breathe deeply and calmly. And, if he’s determined enough, he’ll slowly use his sin to lull them to sleep. Only when they’re not fully awake will he wrap his arms around whoever it is, his head rubbing up against their shoulder or chest. 

Diavolo: 

Strongly and shielding. Despite not having the opportunity very often, anytime it is presented to him, he takes it in stride. He’ll scoop whoever it is up into his arms, curving his large body over them, surrounding them, making them feel like nothing could get to them while he is there. His hold is strong, unwavering, a hand firmly on the back. He will not let go until the time is right. Sometimes he might even laugh, even if the situation feels dreary. He just has so much joy to share, and being here, comforting someone, it makes him happier than they can even imagine. His positivity tends to pool into others. His positive and hopeful outlook shining through the darkest of thoughts. 

Barbatos: 

Politely yet firm. His hands typically settle on their shoulders, going no further, pulling them against him. Only occasionally, if he feels it’s needed, will his hands reach around their back. His fingers hold on surprisingly tightly. They won’t slip from him, or rather, he will not let them go. Sure, he might feel like it’s his duty to uphold peace in the kingdom, but truthfully, he can’t handle seeing those he cares for feel so unlike themselves. And if a gesture such as this will alleviate some of that stress, so be it. He might find himself adjusting and fussing over whoever he is holding, smoothing out wrinkles, pulling off stray hairs, dusting off lint, clipping off loose threads. He can’t help it. It is his way of caring for them. 

Simeon:

Warmly and soothingly. An angel's duty is to comfort. To spread light and joy. It's something he enjoys doing. He'll hold them gently, the warmth from his Celestial body spreading over them, but not in a suffocating way. He almost feels exactly like the sensation one gets when they wrap themselves in a blanket that had just gotten out of the dryer. His cheek presses somewhere against their head, his hand rubbing up and down their spine. It's immediately comforting and whether it's his power or simply his personality no one knows for certain. People come to him for hugs often, even if they'll never admit it. Hugs from Simeon are almost like a reset, a recharge, returning that drained vitality.

Solomon: 

Cautiously yet enveloping. He's not used to people coming to him for hugs. Despite him being alive for who knows how long, he still feels rusty at it. But, of course, if the desire is genuine, who is he to deny something so simple? He hugs like some of those old men who use one arm to pull them in and the other to give them a single pat on the back, but if they need a little more than that, he'll hold onto them longer, trying to remember old memories, feelings of nostalgia for other moments like these that have been long forgotten. Eventually, he'll lean forward, throwing the remaining caution to the wind and hugging them entirely, squeezing hard enough that maybe, this time, the memory will remain forever.

Luke: 

Adorably clingy. He may pout and whine about how he's not some cute little angel, he doesn't want to be treated like a child, but of course his hugs make his denials hard to take seriously. He hugs like his life depends on it, like he'll never ever let go, like the only way he'll leave is if you pry him off. He's got surprising strength for his looks. Sometimes, he likes to jump a little right before he holds on so he can wrap his arms around their neck so he doesn't feel so small. Of course, depending on who he's hugging, they might just pick him up anyway which defeats the purpose, but perhaps he can allow it just this once, if it makes whoever he's hugging feel better.

[thelov3lybookworm]

omg can we please get some more delulu reader x delulu azriel where the whole ic thinks they’re crazy and would absolutely not be s good pair, but they’re delusional and think they’re obsessed w eachother

” look at him just staring at me, it’s so obvious he wants me it makes him look stupid ”

” babes he’s literally glaring at you as if he’s planning to murder you ”

” she just cannot look away can she? god I know she’ll be my girl by the end of tonight ”

” um hello??? she’s literally talking shut about you, I heard her a minute ago?????”

and they walk up to eachother looking like they’ll fight but then they kiss to everyones surprise and leave them all with their jaw dropped. bext morning they see az and reader having breakfast together, and they’re nice to eachother

” alright tell me again how you fell in love with me azzie”

” okay, so it was when you first punched me. I really felt the connection there ( no pun intended )😍😍 “

” ohhh mother above i knew it!!! for me it was when you almost choked me to death w your shadows, true love fr😍😍”

everyone at the table:😟😟😟😟😟😟

Delulu!azzie x delulu!reader (Part 2?)

Summary: The inner circle feels like... they are going insane.

•○●⛦●○•

A/n: hehe i really got nothing to say but i love this looooolll 😂

alsooo... i think this could be read as a part 2 to the previous lil thing i wrote for this prompt, so I'll just link it here if any of you wanted to read it 😉

enjoy, babes 😉

•○🌑○•

Mor's pov.

Mor was seriously concerned for her friend, and it was not something that happened often.

Her friends were usually more sensible than this, and usually didn't call one of the most powerful male in the whole of prythian an ugly bastard and then always walk around nagging them.

But currently, Mor's best friend was glaring daggers at the Spymaster of the night court from across the dance floor, and Mor had never been more scared at the glare on the shadowsinger's face.

It wouldn't have mattered that much if Y/n and Azriel simply hated each other. But the fact that Y/n was so delusional over him and thought that the glares he sent her every waking moment of his day were because he was in love with her, didn't sit right with Mor.

Mor had tried to point it out multiple times to the winter court female, but the female either never paid attention, or she didn't care.

And now, as Mor and Y/n sat in the bar with drinks in their hands, the latter glaring all the way across the dance floor to the booth where the Spymaster was sat with the rest of the inner circle, Mor watched on.

A moment later, Y/n scoffed, turning to Mor.

"Look at him just staring at me, it’s so obvious he wants me. It makes him look stupid."

Mor's jaw was practically on the ground, and she spluttered out the first thing that came to her mind.

"Y/n, he’s literally glaring at you as if he’s planning to murder you." She whisper yelled, incredulous. But Y/n had turned away already, caught again in a staring-and-glaring-holes-in-the-other-person's-skull match with Azriel.

Mor sighed, swirling her drink in her glass before taking a long sip from it.

Even if Mor pretended that the two were really in love, she simply could not imagine them being a great couple. Not saying that she didn't want the two to be happy, but watching the pair constantly be at each other's throat gave her no hope that they could ever be in a loving relationship.

If they could simply sort out their problems with each other, then maybe there was a chance. But if not, Mor was sure she'd find one of their heads lying in the hallways of their home if they ever got together.

•○●⛦●○•

Cassian's pov.

If someone told the Lord of Bloodshed that he'd be scared shitless of his own brother a few months ago, he would have laughed.

But here he was, coiled tight like a spring, ready to jump into action if his brother decided to kill the winter court female right in the middle of the dancing and drinking bodies that filled Rita's.

It was absurd. Ridiculous, really, how much hatred radiated off of Azriel as he sat there, practically breathing flames as he stared at across the dance floor.

To get a reprieve from the constant tension in his shoulders, Cassian stood, stretching before making his way towards the bar, near where Mor was sat with her friend.

"He is such a loser. I swear I've never seen such a big loser in my life. Ever." Cassian overheard Y/n say, and he had to physically stop himself from laughing.

"Y/n-"

Mor began, but Y/n beat her to it.

"He's also such a jerk. Bet he never gets any females because of that shit attitude."

Cassian decided it was enough overhearing for the day and walked back to where Azriel sat, the rest of the inner circle having slowly dispersed.

Cassian handed a glass to Azriel, who never took his eyes off the female that now stood from the stool she was sitting on with Mor, now making her way towards the dance floor.

The general watched as his brother knocked back the drink, slamming the empty glass on the table in front of him.

"She just cannot look away, can she? God, I know she’ll be my girl by the end of tonight."

Cassian very nearly spat out his drink, coughing loudly as he stared at the Spymaster, who glanced at him, unamused.

"Are you okay brother?" Azriel didn't reply, his gaze fixed on the dancing female, her gaze fixed on him. "Hello? Are you listening? She was literally talking shit about you, I heard her, like, a minute ago?"

Cassian was not proud enough to believe he was he smartest of people, and he would admit that he did sometimes get confused over things that needed using his brain. But he would like to blame his dumbness on his brain being closely guarded by his thick skull.

But the things he did not understand? Those things were actually supposed to make sense.

But this? Azriel's weird delusion about how the female from the winter court was obsessed with him? This was not something that was supposed to make sense, and it would leave even the smartest person in Prythian scratching their heads.

But Azriel either didn't hear Cassian, or didn't care, because in the next moment, he stood, ignoring his brother as he made his way onto the dance floor, his steps sure and cocky.

Cassian watched in growing nervousness, then horror and shock, as Azriel stalked up to Y/n, as she stared at him, her eyes sharp.

Cassian watched, as his brother took the face of the winter court female's face in his hands, and promptly slammed his lips onto hers.

Cassian's eyes widened, his jaw unhinging from his face and dropping to the ground. A quick glance to the kissing pair's right told him he was not the only one who was experiencing this onslaught of emotional cocktail.

Mor stared back at Cassian, her eyes as big as Nyx's fists, her mouth opening and closing like a fish's.

The scene was comical, though it didn't erase the shock coursing through Cassian's veins. And all that he could think about was...

What the fuck?

•○🌑○•

"Was I dreaming or did last night really happen?"

Most of the inner circle was seated around the dining table in the house of wind, holding their cup of their preferred beverages or eating their breakfast.

They all glanced up at Cassian as he spoke, but before anyone could reply, in walked Y/n and Azriel.

The sight of the two of them clinging to each other was as jarring as the night before, when the two of them had been filled with lust and clung to each other, kissing until Az winnowed the two of them away.

Well- Cassian thought, that is one way to answer my question.

The two ignored everyone else, as if not aware of their surroundings as they settled down next to each other, one of Y/n's hands clinging tightly around Azriel's bicep as he used the other to pile food onto a plate.

Azriel picked his fork, scooping up some scrambled eggs, holding it up for Y/n, who smiled and opened her mouth for him. He slipped the spoon inside, then took a bite himself.

The inner circle watched in shock, all thought eddying out of their brains as they watched the loving exchange.

"Alright tell me again how you fell in love with me Azzie." Y/n mumbled, laying her head on his shoulder after she finished chewing, hearts in her eyes as she stared at the spymaster.

Azriel seemed to think for a moment, then he smiled down at her as he held up his fork to her mouth again. "Okay, so it was when you first punched me. I really felt the connection there."

Y/n made a face that screamed aww. "So the first time we met?" Azriel nodded, nudging her to open her mouth. "Oh mother above, I knew it! For me it was when you almost choked me to death with your shadows." She sighed dreamily as she watched him take a bite of the food, completely oblivious to the turmoil the inner circle was going through.

Mor rushed to stand, mumbling something about having an important meeting as she hurried away. Rhys and Feyre stood too, saying they needed to check up on Nyx. And before Cassian could point out that Feyre was literally holding the babe, they walked away.

Left alone with the swooning couple, Cassian made eye contact with Nesta, who gagged silently at the love in the air, then inclined her head towards the stairs.

Cassian was all too happy to get out of there, as the moment him and his mate were out of sight, the sounds of clothes hitting the floor sounded, along with declarations of love.

And, honestly, Cassian was not one to judge people or be disgusted by other's love life, but he couldn't help but sympathise with Nesta when she gagged again.

•○🌑○•

Azriel Taglist: @darthdumbasss @foreverrandomwritings

General Taglist: @bubybubsters @eos-princess @nightless @harrystylesfan2686 @cassie6392

[smallestapplin]

[Request]

Hear me out

Dante growing needier and more cuddly and touchy for you the longer you know him.

His demon has decided you were a perfect mate, so it shows up in his human form a lot more. He grows extra affectionate 👉👈 🥺

All he wants to do is curl up with you! Especially after a long day!

-Silver Anon

This request hasn’t left my mind since you sent it.

Also this is my first time writing Dante, so I hope it’s good! I love the wacky woohoo pizza man 🥹

-

-

You were the newest member to the devil may cry-family, one Dante couldn’t get away from, not that he ever wanted to. You helped him manage his missions and helped him around HQ, which he greatly appreciated with how busy he gets.

So it was natural you two spent more time together.

You’d sometimes join him on missions, or help him out when he was stuck on something. You two form your inside jokes, playfully teasing each other, but nothing too far.

It’s something that took you a while to notice.

But Dante isn’t that touchy with everyone else.

He doesn’t avoid touches, usually tossing an arm over someone, or using someone as an armrest.

But with you it’s different.

Once his arm is around you, it’s like it’s never coming off.

Once his arm is on your lower back, thumb rubbing soothing circles, it’ll never move from there unless he has to.

Even later at night when you stay over, he always gets closer and closer to you on the couch, and before you know it he’s laying on top of you, snuggled up and passed out happily.

You can’t complain, you love it. His touch just feels right, you feel safe and secure with him.

“Dante.” Your voice no more than a whisper, gently shaking his shoulders.

“Dante it’s time for bed, I gotta head home.”

You love his touch, even if he’s a pain to get up.

“Mmmm no.”

You mock a gasp, laughing at how needy he is.

Here you are pinned under him on the couch, with his inhumanly hot body keeping you toasty, even well past the time you had to leave.

You choke back a chuckle as he nuzzled his face further into your neck, his scruff tickling your skin. But his breath fanning across the crook of your neck makes you tremble.

“I wish I could stay longer, but I have to go.”

You lightly pat his back, only to be shocked when a quick but low growl rumbles from him. You knew he was an affectionate man, but you’ve never had him be so needy.

He lifts his head, barely able to look at you through the messy white hair on his face.

“Lemme walk you home then, it’s late.”

You’re happy to let him.

But throughout the walk, his arm constantly brushes against yours with how close he walks, until he takes your hand in his. You smile at his actions, finding his need to be touching you cute, especially from him.

That is until you’re on the doorstep of your home.

“Thank you for walking with me.”

“Ain’t a problem.”

He smiles at you, yet doesn’t move from the porch, even as you unlock your door.

Looking back at him, he looks as though he wants to say something but is not sure.

Almost hopefully but pouty.

“Do you not want to leave that badly?” Your voice light, teasing the Demon Hunter.

“I’ll miss you.” he sounds like a kicked puppy, and in a way he is.

He can feel the devil within him crying desperately for you, he’s grown so attached to you that you bring that instinct out of him.

You pull Dante into a hug, unable to resist doing so, but he’s not at all complaining, his arms are swiftly around you and holding you firmly against him.

His face buried into your shoulder, leaving you laughing softly at the man.

“I’ll be back tomorrow, you know that.”

“Mmmm….”

You stay like that for a long moment, basking in his warmth and comforting scent. But a thought hits you, and you pull away from him, just enough to move his face to look at him.

You can feel your face burning before you ask.

“Would you like to stay the night?”

You squeal, laughing as Dante picks you up, practically sprinting to your bedroom before tossing you to your bed.

Your laughter echoes in your room as you bounce from the force.

Dante dives after you, landing on top of you with a loud rumbling purr. He nuzzles into you, kicking his shoes off without moving just so he can stay closer to you.

“You’re so needy.”

You lean your head on top of his, your laughter dying down to a soft chuckle.

“Only for you.”

You’re amazed at how he can speak through sounding like a very happy cat.

That morning was even harder to break free from.

As your new boyfriend was only more affectionate.

When you two began dating it only got worse.

Trying to work will never go smoothly as you’re being constantly pulled into kisses, and pulled into his lap so he can shower you with his affection.

“Dante, the phone is ringing.”

“Mmmmm.”

“Dante-“

“Noooo.” He groans, burying his face further into your neck. His arms tighten around you, keeping you close to his chest as he gives you no room to get up.

You’re stuck cuddling him, but you can’t even find it in yourself to be upset with him.

“My sweet love bug, we need money to pay the bills.” You mumble, kissing his temple.

Only for him to groan loudly in response.

You yelp as he suddenly stands, carrying you in his arms towards the still-ringing phone. Dante plops on his desk, getting you on his lap as he answers the phone.

His arm stays around you, rubbing small circles on your thigh.

He stays on the phone, listening to the person on the other end while placing silent kisses on your cheek and down to your neck.

All you gather from it is he accepts the person's offer and is quick to hang up but doesn’t move.

“You promised.” You said in a sing-song tone, chuckling at his obvious misery when you say that.

“C’mon baby, don’t make me go now, I just got ya in my lap.”

He looks at you with such a pitiful pout, clearly trying to get you to cave.

But you cup his cheeks and lean in, your lips brushing against his for a moment before you kiss him, smiling into it at the feeling of him going limp and trying to press more against you.

He chases your lips when you pull away, whining when you’re just out of reach.

“I’ll be here waiting for you, I always am.”

“But I don’t like leaving you.”

He can protect you when he’s here, he can love on you when he’s not on the job.

“Honey, we need to keep the lights on. Besides, the welcome home kiss is always sweeter.”

Oh, that has his attention.

Just don’t be surprised when a massive fiery demon comes barreling through the door, eyes locked onto you and caging you against its solid frame, and wings wrapping around you.

[physalian]

How to Keep your Insecure Character from Becoming a “Nice Guy”

Or Nice Girl

The very last book I will have beta’d for the foreseeable future had a lot going for it, but one trait I absolutely despise in fictional characters is insecurity that makes it everybody else’s problem (I mean I hate it in people, too). By this I mean, the girlfriend who cannot tolerate her boyfriend having other friends who are girls, and whining to him about it. The partner who still wonders if their lover loves them, with zero evidence to the contrary, constantly forcing a tiring debate to sate these unfounded claims.

The thing is. Real people are like this.

But the other thing is: Fiction is meant to entertain.

It’s never the insecurity that I have issue with (I am not immune to it myself) it’s the impact that insecurity has on the story. If this protagonist had quietly kept it to herself but allowed the rest of the story to move forward, and dealt with it, if not alone, but in some progressive or even regressive manner, just not stagnant, it might’ve been okay.

So the scene that would have had me DNF immediately if this had been an organic read was these two adult middle-aged characters. Stalker plotline. The boyfriend is a has-been. The girlfriend, protagonist, has already had many a bout of insecure nonsense (oh he thinks I’m ugly as he’s railing me against my dresser) but the breaking point is when she’s sent an explicit photo of him when he was younger, mid-sex with some model.

And this lady is absolutely crushed. The revelation that… this is a person who has had sex before… is somehow shocking. Like, this character seemed to desire a 50-year-old virgin who is also an adonis. The whole time I’m reading her only care about her own feelings, when I’m thinking “do you not give a single fuck about how your boyfriend feels seeing himself so exposed, a picture floating around on the internet at anyone’s mercy? How he feels to be reminded of this moment and manipulated, too?”

I’m sure I’m in the vast minority who cannot stand these types of characters, but I would have quit the book right then and there. The book was also a who-dun-it, meaning any character could be a suspect, including the boyfriend. So we’re sitting here with multiple red herrings while the protagonist ignores all of them to whine about how the man’s unbridled and unflinching love and adoration for her just isn’t enough.

Bitch then be single if you can’t handle the knowledge that your 50-year-old celebrity boyfriend got around when he was younger. You knew what you were getting into. Which was my sticking point—it wasn’t like this was a shocking twist reveal. She knew from the moment they met that he was a bit of a player. It would be wholly different if he’d led her to believe that he’s some devout celibate saving himself for her.

Is this entertaining to other people? It’s not to me.

Separating it from the actual insecurity for a second: When you force your character to go around in circles in their arc and development, no matter what that arc and development is, you have stagnated the plot and each time they meet the same pitfall, they make the exact same choices that keep them in this loop.

None of this insecurity subplot amounted to anything. She eventually got over it after one arbitrary conversation but she didn’t change as a person, it didn’t do anything for the story, it was just there, probably an outlet for the author to exercise her own demons.

But this is a story and I am not entertained and your author insert is subject to the same scrutiny as everyone else.

So.

What *I think* are compelling ways to write insecure characters. Because I wrote one. My protagonist in ENNS.

You can and should absolutely write for yourself. Just always remember that if you only write for yourself, you can’t expect everyone else to like it, and you can’t get mad when they don’t. They are not you and they don’t have your tastes.

Have the insecurity be part of their arc with movement, either forward or backward, so they don’t become a static and boring character

Give them some evidence, any evidence, to support this insecurity. Maybe their love interest really does have an issue with some physical trait. Or in the past they really have been bullied or mocked for it. Anything so that this character’s fears have merit and can become tragic and relatable instead of unfounded and annoying.

Have this character take actions to augment this insecurity or cover it up, so that they’re not going “ugh I’m so ugly… but I’m not doing anything about it it’s just here”. Like wearing oversized clothes, keeping their hair in their face, speaking softly or not smiling with teeth—whatever it is, give them some agency in this fear. This is still a character trait and internal conflict, therefore it needs some actual conflict. Inaction is unappealing.

Balance out the negativity with something more compelling. They might be insecure but they’re really skilled at this one thing, or they’re really funny or kind or smart, so the audience has something else to root for instead of just a character who is negative and self-deprecating for the entire story.

Show that though experience proves this insecurity garnered them mistreatment, this current person they’re trying to impress really doesn’t care one bit about it, and don’t make it the other character’s problem. You can still have the protagonist wary and skeptical that the comments haven’t started, but let them do so quietly instead of cornering the friend/love interest with zero evidence to demand attention when said friend/love interest has done absolutely nothing wrong.

Like. If this was a murder mystery, and you had a character who, with zero proof, started suspecting Character E, and didn’t even look at A-D, despite all the mounting evidence that E is innocent, Protagonist is just fixating and projecting and stuck in their own head, would that be entertaining? You’re reading a murder mystery to live vicariously through the hero and use their smarts and observation skills to try and solve it yourself. You’re not here to watch them harass E until they admit to guilt for a crime they didn’t commit just to make it stop.

If that is a story you want to read, the summary would make that quite clear up front, or at least the first two chapters before you get invested. If I’m sold a murder mystery, by god, I’m going to expect a murder mystery.

Something I see a lot in inexperienced authors (or those who think “writing is easy, if it’s hard for you, you just suck”) is making characters too realistic. If you want to write a full-blown transcript of a conversation, false-starts and stutters and nonsensical grammar and half-finished points, be my guest, but fiction is supposed to be a little cleaned up. Details in fictional stories should be written with intent.

Not every single one. Sometimes a character’s eyes are green because I have too many with brown. It’s not that deep.

But bigger things, like a character’s personality and motives, should all serve the greater narrative. What does their insecurity say about them? How does it impact the choices they make and how they see the world? Is this something they grow out of or a trait that dooms them as a self-fulfilling prophecy?

The lesson doesn’t always have to be “you’re beautiful just the way you are”. It can be a nightmarish regression. Whatever it is, just tell a story with it, otherwise, why is it here?

[acourtofthought]

It seems that Elriels are coddling Elain too. Way too much.

Well- I see the stark difference between how Gwynriels treat Gwyn and Elriels treat Elain. While obviously they headcanon constantly of Azriel worshiping Gwyn and all that, they still acknowledge that they both aren't close now. That we'll first see them challange each other and that there's much to do before unlocking the level of trust. Although Gwynriel might be mates, there will be times in which they'll probably be cold to each other. It's a high possibility that Azriel will at least try to push her off, not wanting to share something personal about himself to someone he isn't even friends with. It's not bad, it should be part of their story. It's realistic that way. Gwynriels want an on page love story in which they want to see their relationship fully boom in one book.

But Elriels are convienced Azriel and Elain are in love. That Elain wants him and Azriel wants her despite what the bonus chapter says from Azriel's point of view. They're convienced that Azriel is basically a total simp for Elain, that he'd never even dare to underestimate and he already trusts her and so on... which is not canon. They explain Azriel's lack of feelings for her from the bonus chapter away. "Azriel hadn't thought of anything beyond fantasies cause he's scared of the future!" That wasn't included in his thought process. "Sexual attraction is normal" no one claims otherwise. "Azriel was willing to go on his knees for her" yes, to get the chance to taste her, not marry her. Attraction ≠ love. "If Azriel only wanted her for the mating bond, why would he go after a mated girl?" Azriel explained it himself: 3 brothers x 3 sisters. "4 books of build up" 4 books of suppose build up and he couldn't think of Elain as a person? And then they explain away the entire gwynriel half with the "Gwyn is evil" argument.

It's not just that, but they can't take the slightest inconvenience when it comes to Elain. You challange or insult her? You're evil. Oh, Elain looks uncomfortable? You're evil, even though you haven't done anything. You're telling the love of her life to stay away from her? You're evil. The love of her life is talking to you instead of her? You're evil.

I don't know how to explain it but it seems that Elain has no flaw and everything that is inconvenient in their eyes is evil. I don't ship Elriel, but if they were endgame, I'd at least want to see Elain get challanged or have some problems with Azriel (like what I had listed in for the Gwynriel part) or Elain herself having problems.

For example, Elain's friends. I don't see the wraiths ever challange Elain. The inner circle aren't pushing her either. They're just content with the soft and kind girl she is. And staying in the Night court for the rest of her life to be with her family? Idk about that...

But the BoE? Jurian and Vassa don't seem to be the coddling type at all. I can imagine Vassa coming off as mean to her and Jurian talking to her like everything is a joke to him and I can imagine Elain getting frustrated with that. They probably would challange her. Lucien would.

I guess they don't like that. Everyone has to be nice and friendly with Elain. That... isn't good for her growth.

I wouldn't go as far as to say that they don't care about Elain and are just self inserting. Their problem is that they love her and Elriel too much.

ALL the yeses. I'm going to copy and paste your different comments to address them: "It seems that Elriels are coddling Elain too. Way too much." Fully agree. Elain, in their eyes, needs protected from everything. She needs protected from Jurian because god forbid she be allowed to confront him face to face if she has a problem with something he said years ago (something she wasn't even around for), giving him the chance to explain how horrible he felt for making those comments but he needed Hybern to believe he hated the IC and giving her a chance to demonstrate empathy and undertanding. Elain in their eyes needs protected from Lucien and his looks that occur once every few months because she's too delicate to vocalize if it bothers her, that his presence bothers her. Elain in their eyes needs protected by Az and Nesta because there is absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that neither gave her credit for anything she did in the war. Not saving Az's life with the hounds, not for saving Briars life, Nesta's life, Cassian's life, for stopping the King. Honestly, they turn her into such a child it's concerning considering the very adult headcanons they have for when it comes to Az. And you're right, Gwynriels and Elucien's have no problem with Gwyn and Elain having it out with Az or Lucien. Two characters sitting around talking about surface level things suddenly declaring they're in love simply because Az gave Elain a dagger then listened to her talk about gardens leading to an almost makeout session after avoiding one another for a year is not even close to how Sarah writes her pairings. We want the real and the raw up front and that is when the characters can begin to fall, because that's when they'll have seen each other at their worst and will still want each other anyway.

"If Azriel only wanted her for the mating bond, why would he go after a mated girl?" This is how it all went. Az obsessed over Mor for centuries. Elain came into his life and he continued to obsess over Mor, with Rhys even saying he's been waiting for a mating bond to snap between them. He gave Elain TT and he continued to obsess over Mor. Mor continues rejecting Az and then one Solstice Elain gets Az a gift though that same evening he looked at Mor with heat and yearning. Mor heads to bed and Az ends up staying downstairs to listen to Elain talk about her gardens. Mor is then sent away to the continent for months at a time and suddenly Az does not have her to obsess over anymore so he turns his attention to Elain because she's there, she's single, she isn't paying attention to her mate, she got Az a gift last year and because his brothers are now getting paired off with two sisters. Az grows more jealous of his brothers being part of the "I got a sister" club while he was left out of having a mate so he naturally begins to wonder why it worked out that way? Why didn't he get the third sister when there were three of them and there are three brothers and Elain doesn't seem interested in Lucien? What if the mother was wrong because that math seems too perfect to Az. It's never been about Az having real feelings for Elain but of circumstance and his wondering why he didn't get what everyone around him got. First Mor's continued rejection of him, then Mor's absence from the NC, then of the realization that he got left out of what his brothers were given. I always thought the "Az questioned his religion for Elain!" statements were a bit strange. I'm agnostic but if you are religious....is it a good thing to be questioning your god / goddess / deity? I mean, yes, if that deity is written to be an asshole spreading hatred it would be a good thing but the Mother seems to be written as a positive force so Az questioning her seems to be a problem with Az losing his faith and learning to accept that the Mother knows better than him? That's kind of the theme of this book, isn't it? That the Mother is the guiding force of these characters and you shouldn't be pissy just because she didn't instantly give you the things others are getting? "I don't know how to explain it but it seems that Elain has no flaw and everything that is inconvenient in their eyes is evil." YES! You know a ship is problematic when all the good guys in this series are suddenly the bad guys simply because of their proximity to E/riel. Az shows admiration for Gwyn? She's EVIL! Elain might meet Jurian one day because he's her mate's friend who also lives with Vassa who Elain had a vision of? Jurian is VILE! Rhys prevented Az from using Elain like a sex doll when he couldn't even admit to thinking of a future with her or being over Mor? Rhys is an ASSHOLE for keeping two lovers apart (though I missed the memo on Elain having any actual feelings for Az). Lucien treats Elain with nothing but respect, allowing her to do whatever it is she wants with whoever she wants? Sarah should just KILL Lucien!!! Literally, every single character is suddenly an obstacle for E/riel. When has Sarah ever written something like that? Relationships that are meant to be are written so that the friends and family are supportive. Rhys had major issues with Nesta because of Feyre yet he still found a way to push Cassian and Nesta together. The fact that it's been books and the IC still has not brought out the best of Elain despite her attempts at fitting in just proves to me that she's not found her people. The clues the author has left us regarding the people Elain will most likely have a connection to in the future (Helion, Eris, Jurian, Vassa), will bring out the side of Elain that finally shows everyone why Sarah wanted to write a book about her.

[maya-matlin]

it's sort of ironic that lucas and brooke had more in common later in life then him and peyton they had their own separate goals dreams and wanted a family their relationship matured over time where his and peyton stayed stagnant in a superficial happy fake bubble as soon as realty and communication needed to happen there was always issues nether character could grow together and honestly I don't see them endgame in the long run lucas actions showed he was in awe and had more respect for brooke as a separate person where as peyton he saw as a fantasy not who she really was that's why he just expected her to just want to jump and marry without any depth or conversations about where their relationship is not just some we are meant to be nonsense or the pressure of what other people perceived their relationship everyone constantly went on about him wanting peyton and they are meant to be I think that's just because they have to justify why he and peyton hurt other people and themselves together they had to be different people then who they was around each other

Yeah, the way Lucas and Peyton's relationship developed did not work for me at all. So much of it revolved around LP having to be together in the end to come full circle from the pilot or the fact Lucas repeatedly saved Peyton. Their goals didn't necessarily align unless you consider that Peyton wanted Lucas to be happy, and Lucas wanted the same thing. They both put his wants and needs ahead of Peyton's. Brooke at least felt like a person who independently of Lucas wanted similar things while also going about them differently. Peyton was just.. extremely desperate for Lucas during seasons 4 and 5. Sure, she also wanted to run a record label and discover new musicians, but it honestly came across like Peyton was extremely fixated on Lucas and had it in her head that she could only achieve happiness if he married her. So because she couldn't afford to have Lucas walk away again, she literally jumped at a mediocre proposal without the awareness that she was one of three potential wives. And like, on Lucas's end, his dream didn't necessarily include Peyton. He had a desire to start a family and post Brucas 2.0, the woman in his life didn't need to be a specific person. She just had to be willing to say yes when he needed her to say yes. I truly feel like a part of Lucas settled in a big way after losing Brooke. As for the communication problems, I agree. Nothing was resolved because Lucas had a lot he wasn't willing to voice and things he absolutely refused to hold himself accountable for. Unfortunately, Peyton was not going to be the person who fought Lucas on this. The narrative during season 5 was that Peyton telling Lucas she wasn't ready for marriage at nineteen years old forced him to break up with her and then apparently hide his heart for years after that because the pain was that severe. Bullshit, but whatever. In season 5, Lucas doesn't seem like he's suffering without Peyton. He's literally fine and happy to marry Lindsey, and then again when he makes Brooke a priority and chooses to be her emotional support system with Angie. Like, Lucas holds a grudge against Peyton and keeps her at a distance, but in my opinion the writing was telling us through multiple other characters rather than showing that Lucas still loved Peyton and that a Lucas/Peyton endgame was inevitable. Lucas essentially bumbles his way to "realizing" that he should marry Peyton after all, and I'm sure the fact only she would have jumped at that dead eyed airport proposal had nothing to do with it.

Needless to say, I also think divorce is probably an inevitability with them. Once you peel back the idea of how epic the relationship is supposed to be and both of their separate issues, there isn't a lot there. At first, I'm sure they were blissfully happy because they finally got their dreams. But after that, day to day, I don't think happily ever after is going to feel as satisfying as they'd hoped. I choose to believe Peyton is eventually going to realize how much she compromised for Lucas and (sadly) I get the feeling Lucas will just end up cheating again because he can't admit out loud that he's not happy. And if he can cheat on his serious girlfriend of three years, he's going to cheat on Peyton too now that she's no longer the forbidden, easy option. I hate thinking so lowly of Lucas, but Lucas towards the end of his time on the show was a selfish guy who lost any bit of character growth he'd had during the high school years. Until he manages to work through his own shit, things won't get better.

Needless to say, I agree 100% about Brooke. It sounds ridiculous considering his messy history of breaking her heart back in high school, but during seasons 2 and 3 I truly think Lucas had good intentions and loved and wanted Brooke over Peyton. Lucas fought for Brooke and put himself completely out there in a way that he pretty much never does with Peyton past season 1. Lucas loved Brooke's independence. He loved her bravery and her soft side. There were times when he underestimated how much she needed his emotional support because unlike his relationship with Peyton, it wasn't so reliant on Lucas rescuing her. But we see by the end of season 5 that Lucas has become more in tune with Brooke's emotions and once again found a way to be her friend without any agenda much like during season 2. Whenever I try to imagine Lucas and Brooke in a similar position as Lucas and Peyton during season 5 including the missing years, I literally can't. I don't believe that Lucas would have ever held a years long grudge against Brooke for rejecting his proposal or that Brooke would have come back to him in such a way where she was handing over all of the power in their relationship. Why? Because Lucas and Brooke were so much more than an idea of how life was supposed to play out or something the people in their lives spoke of with such reverence than never quite lived up to expectations. It sounds simple because it really is. Lucas and Brooke were in love, and that was that. At its best, their love inspired some of the best in each other. They were truly equals with both similarities and differences. Plus, the passion. Even during season 5 where he's supposed to be harboring this deep love for Peyton, there are still moments with Brooke that outshine them and make zero sense if there aren't still romantic feelings on Lucas's end

Or this entire scene

I don't know that any of this reply had a point or even a coherent idea, but all I can say is that Lucas and Peyton being endgame hurt both characters. Peyton becomes weaker. Lucas is more selfish. It celebrates this idea that everything that happened was worth it because they got a happy ending, even though they to had to crush Brooke, Jake, Lindsey and Julian in the process. The relationship isn't exciting. The chemistry is severely lacking during most seasons. The entire Lucas/Peyton relationship is endlessly frustrating to watch because I like both Lucas and Peyton separately and time and time again, I revisit this show and watch them ruin their best chances of true happiness with other people all because of Lucas's savior complex and nostalgia for the pilot.

[armpirate]

Soundleasure | Choi San || CH. 18

Pairings: Soft!San x fem!reader || Strangers to lovers, fake dating

Genre: smut, angst, fluff, online sex, ghosting

Warnings: inexperienced!San, fem!reader, masturbation, online sex, camboy, first times.

Summary: You can do whatever you please and be whoever you want on the Internet. And San knew that a little bit too well.

After finally following all the signs the universe was throwing at him, he started living a double life that no one was aware of. Everyone in his daily life knew him as Choi San, the reserved and quiet boy who wouldn't raise his voice, and would barely communicate with anyone outside of his comfort group. But only a few knew him as Soundleasure, the man with a sexy voice and a filthy mind that had their toes curling just with his narrations.

He never thought of the possibility of those two lives ever meeting, he had always tried for them to follow a parallel route and had always played safe to keep his friends from ever suspecting that side even existed. But his plans will start to crumble when he gets a little too close with one of his subscribers and she invades his real-self and altergo's universes without being able to stop it.

Y/n will not only help him to keep his secret from his circle, but will also show him there's more of Soundleasure in him than he'd like to admit. 

Previous || Next

MASTERLIST

Aprox. time of reading: 24 minutes

Chapter warnings: Lip wound, mention of blood, suggestive, making out, petting

The trip in the bus wasn't the best. Having his head getting constantly flicked because he'd lose every game was annoying, and having Jongho messing with him because he'd see his girlfriend once they got to Cape Cod didn't make it any better. He then wondered if it was better to be laughed at because he was single, or if being the butt of the joke for being "in love" was a better bet.

—And what's the problem of being nervous to see her? —Sam called her boyfriend out— The poor boy has been waiting for twenty five years to meet the one, and he's finally found the right girl.

—Also, it's quite normal he feels that way after he's planned to introduce her to the whole group —Iseul continued.

—Babe, she's alright. She isn't the one who worries us —Yunho mentioned—. We all already met her, and she seems like a nice girl.

—Are you implying we are the problem? —Meghan peeked her head over Mingi's seat, leaving Yeosang's shoulder uncovered.

—No, they aren't implying that —Seonghwa quickly answered, while looking around at the few people that were turning their heads at their section in the bus.

—Because we are all really kind and friendly. Tell them, honey —she patted Yeosang's arm.

—I mean... I'm your boyfriend and even sometimes I'm intimidated by you —under Meghan's rough look, Yeosang quickly peeked his head over Wooyoung's seat—. My girlfriend is really welcoming.

—Why did you have to scream into my ear? —Wooyoung called him out.

—Stop messing with San —Hongjoong suddenly said, trying to bring some peace back—, and stop arguing about who's nice and who isn't for god's sake. Let's just go back to being on our phones or sleeping until we get there.

And that way, and slowly, peace was again coming back to the group, with San finally relaxing on his seat.

He hated being the focus of the topic.

—But —Mingi suddenly spoke— weren't you girls already badmouthing her because she chose to get there by car instead of coming with us?

That comment got a collective sigh from the whole group, knowing well that would evolve into another argument.

—Why aren't you ever able to read the room? —Jongho called him out.

—Were you badmouthing her? —San turned to his right, seeing the girls looking at each other nervously.

—Because we thought she was doing it because she didn't want to spend time with us —Iseul answered—, we didn't know she had work to do today.

—Yeah, she's working all the time —Hongjoong mentioned—. When I worked with her, it was difficult to see her anywhere else that wasn't her office. Actually, her nickname was Pinhole.

—Ah, that's not... —Sam showed a disgusted face— You all better not bring that shit up.

—It makes sense for her to be constantly working though —Hongjoong shrugged—. She'll be the owner of the company the second her father retires.

—Wait, owner? —Jongho turned his head at Hongjoong— Sounds like you landed a real winner. And we thought you were dumb...

Under his girlfriend's annoyed look, Jongho's smile eventually dropped at the same time he slowly went back to sitting properly in his seat.

—You better not open your mouth the whole weekend —Sam called him out.

—We're only messing up with him —Yunho's giggled slowly vanished.

—Either way, you better not make any comments about this —Seonghwa interrupted, turning to the whole group—. We don't want her to feel uncomfortable.

San could only wish all that teasing would've ended for the rest of the route, but the only thing they kept themselves from commenting was how rich she probably was. All those comments making fun of his nervousness were a sign of karma biting his butt after he joined Wooyoung and Mingi when Yunho, Jongho and Yeosang were just in the start of their relationships.

A new text from Y/n got to his phone, making him slightly panic as he turned to his friends to warn them.

—Okay, she's coming. Do not say anything stupid, do not make her feel uncomfortable —San warned them all—. Do not... —his friends' looks made him wonder if they were doing those serious expressions to tease him again, like they had been doing all morning.

—Anything else you want to forbid? —Y/n commented behind him— Maybe it'd be better to just forbid them from talking to me.

San's concerned expression made her giggle, shaking her head while she faked the way a girlfriend would greet her boyfriend, standing on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck.

—I thought you said you were parking —San commented, still into the hug.

—I sent that text like ten minutes ago —stepping back, she showed him the timing of the message—. I was lucky the camping was seen from the promenade —she pointed out.

—Ah, there's a pretty bad signal here —Mingi reminded him—. Remember when my mom called me ten times, and ended up showing up here because she thought something happened.

—Yeah, and that was exactly why we chose to stay here —Hongjoong answered.

Wooyoung moved first, pushing San aside to hug Y/n, followed by Mingi. She hadn't seen him a lot, but definitely more than the rest, which made sense why the others were just waiting for her to make the first move. When those two men moved aside, pushed by San again to be able to stand next to her, Y/n's attention was on the rest of the group. There were three new girls added into the group, which she guessed were the three girlfriends that wanted to meet her to welcome her in properly.

—I'm Meghan —the brunette spoke first, stepping out of her line after Y/n was done greeting the rest of the boys—. It's so nice meeting you —without asking or hesitating, she wrapped her arms around a warmed Y/n, having to bend her body a little to be able to hug San's girlfriend properly.

—Nice to meet you, too —she smiled, responding to her hug. Once she stepped back, she looked at the blonde with glasses that was waiting for her turn to introduce herself—. Sam, right? —Y/n guessed, moving to her to hug her— And Iseul.

San already described them, after she asked, so she'd be able to know who each one of them was before she got to meet them. Being prepared was the best way to confront that type of situation, and it seemed like both the red-haired with rounded glasses and the auburn with a bob looked pleased with it.

—We were dying to meet you —Meghan joined them from behind—, San has talked a lot about you.

—Yeah, and these eight crackheads are worse than old ladies in a market —Iseul mumbled—. You have no idea.

—I remember when I first started dating Jongho, I got more gossip from him than from my friends. I mean, a lot —Sam pointed at Iseul—. I knew she stayed in Boston because of an ex boyfriend before she could even tell me.

—Wait, Jongho told you that? —Iseul stopped her friend— I'm going to cut Yunho's tongue.

—That means I can skip all my basic information and how I met San, right? —Y/n added.

Y/n slowly got integrated in the group, moving to one side of the camping with the other three girls. Aside from Jennifer, she didn't really feel a connection with any other women that she could see as possible friends, with whom to hang out or run to whenever she just needed to vent without feeling judged.

As Y/n focused on being with the girls, San looked at them from afar. He knew that was the main point of inviting her to that short trip, and he should've known there was nothing to worry about when it came to Y/n socializing. She looked smiley and happy, speaking and laughing with the girls as if she had known them for a long while.

—Nobody is going to steal her from you —Seonghwa commented, hitting San's arm.

—I never said that.

—No need to —Yunho interrupted—. It's all over your face and how you aren't leaving the poor girl alone.

—And the girls will treat her right —Seonghwa added.

But he wasn't worried about the girls.

They all were nice, that was one of the main reasons each one of his friends were dating them, which also led to them being almost like older sisters to him. And Y/n had a strong personality, she could easily communicate when something bothered her or made her feel uncomfortable, yet her posture was so different from when he saw her at work. It was like she felt completely free and carefree to do whatever she wanted whenever she was around him, or his friends, while she had her guard up as soon as she was surrounded by anyone that was work related.

His hand shook when Y/n turned to him, dedicating a soft smile in his direction and a wink that almost made him blush, but for sure got him smiling like a fool.

Was that real? Did she do it to continue her act in front of the girls? Or did she do it because she genuinely felt like doing it?

He didn't know when or how, but they went from being some feet apart, at each corner of the camping, to being glued to one another fifteen minutes later, with her curiously eyeing how he placed the bait on the hook.

—I told you I'd teach you how to do it.

She giggled at his comment, extending her hand to the fishing rod to hold it while San smiled at her.

—It looks so cool —she commented, smiling at the way he was getting ready to deal with his fishing rod.

Being praised by her woke a new thing in him, urging him to look even more manly and cooler than she already thought he looked like. Grabbing one of the hooks, he placed it on his lip, holding it tight with his teeth to tie the nylon on the small hole at the edge. He was definitely trying too hard to impress her, not being aware of the consequences until that soft smile and curious look transformed into a concerned look and straight line on her lips. He wasn't aware of the stabbing, he didn't feel the moment the hook pierced his lower lip until Y/n specifically told him to stay still.

—What?

And it was then, when he opened his mouth, that he realized something on his mouth felt heavier, to the point of difficulting the way he spoke.

—Oh my god —he panicked, grabbing the attention from everyone near them.

—What happened? —Wooyoung rushed to them first.

—He was tying the hook, and his fingers slipped somehow... and now there's a hook on his lip —Y/n panicked.

—You wanted a piercing, now you only need the ring —Mingi joked, getting a giggle from Jongho and a hit from Yunho.

—We should go to the hospital —Hongjoong suggested.

—Something similar happened to my uncle while he was fishing in Yeomchi, and he just had to pull from it —Iseul intervened calmly—. It's not that big of a deal to go to the hospital.

—Do you think I'm a fucking cod? —San panickedly turned to her.

—Well, you're the only one with a hook on his mouth —Yeosang snapped back.

—I have my car near, and there's an emergency center not far from here —Y/n tried to interrupt their bickering.

—Isn't it a bit too much to go to a hospital just for this? —San managed to ask.

—Dude, have you seen yourself? —Yunho asked.

The idea of having so many people looking at him in the center, trying to explain how he got a hook in that specific part of his body was something he didn't really want to do.

—Do you have a first-aid kid? —Y/n asked.

—Yeah —Seonghwa answered—. I packed three, just in case something happened. But what I thought of was someone falling, not someone being as dumb to hook themselves up.

—Can you bring it here? —Y/n demanded in a soft tone, at the same time she pushed San down to sit on the floor.

—What are you going to do? —San looked up at her.

—Pulling it out —she simply answered.

—You? —Wooyoung wondered, worried.

—Well, if anyone else wants to do it...

—No, no, no —it was the first time she had heard all of them agreeing on something.

Shortly after Seonghwa came back with the tiny box, Jongho stopped Y/n from kneeling in front of San to pull from the hook, standing next to him to hold the nylon up -careful not to hurt his friend-, while Mingi in front of him took a picture of the youngest pretending to have fished the only one in the group who looked like a fish at that moment.

—Wait, wait —San moved his head back as soon as she was kneeling in front of him, holding the metal directly—. I need some time to breathe.

—San, it'll be fast —she tried to convince him.

—Wait —he stopped her again, moving his head back as he tried to breathe deep—. Okay.

Y/n rolled her eyes, getting really to take out the hook, only for San to interrupt her again. With the only difference that that time she didn't stop, she pulled from the metal as quick as she could, only making San feel a small burn on the inside of his lip as the spike moved again through his perforated wound.

—It's done? —San opened his eyes, surprised.

Y/n lifted her hand, showing the hook, covered with only a little blood on the tip.

—Oh shit, I feel dizzy —Mingi commented, looking away.

As if the fun was over, all of them went back to everything they were doing, leaving them both alone back again.

—Does it look too big? —he wondered, poking his tongue against the perforated space.

—Nah —she assured him, reaching for everything she needed from the first-aid kit—. You just look like one of those emos that regretted their phase and are trying to adapt to a more formal style.

—I'm so dumb —he huffed.

Y/n simply smiled, ignoring his words while she tried to clean up the mess in his lower lip to cure it.

—No, you were just trying to impress someone who's already dating you —Mingi mentioned as he walked by—. Yeah, you're dumb.

San's eyes moved somewhere else but Y/n as they were left alone again, feeling her fingers delicate and gentle on his skin as she moved the cotton over the wound.

—I think it was cute —she whispered.

—Really?

—Yeah, but don't take that as a green light to do it again —her thumb caressed around the hole—. Does it hurt?

—No, I'm okay —he lied, actually that concrete spot was burning like hell.

—Good, I was going to blow on it, but since you're better...

—Ah... —he complained, tilting his head slightly— Actually... it does hurt a bit now.

—Oh really? —her eyebrow lifted.

—Yeah. Maybe if you kiss it better...

She shook her head, unbelieving of what she was hearing.

—Although it could risk the healing process —he interrupted her—, so maybe you should just kiss me here —he pointed to his lips.

—Here? —she pointed in the same direction.

—Yeah, all the muscles in the face are connected, so it'll be the same, if you kiss me on the lips...

His rambling was interrupted by her mouth covering his, trapping his lower lip in between hers while her fingertips caressed his neck.

—You make it unnecessarily difficult —she whispered, slowly getting up.

And just the same way, he watched her go, looking back over her shoulder with a smile just to be back with the group of girls she was with as soon as she arrived.

—Clean up your drool, Uta —Wooyoung joked—. And help us get everything ready for lunch. Hongjoong is close to losing it, and Mingi is about to make a scene.

—I told Mingi to eat a good breakfast earlier this morning —San complained, getting up and playing cool the fact that he wasn't able to control his body language when it came to Y/n.

After having a good lunch and attempting to do some fishing, all the group was sitting around the fire Jongho had started. As he looked around, he could see Jongho pattitng Sam's thigh as she sat in his lap with her head on his, Iseul had one of her legs over Yunho's while she hugged his arm tight, and Yeosang was holding Meghan's hide while she caressed his forearm with her free hand. Meanwhile, he and Y/n were sitting at the same distance he was sitting from the rest of his friends. They were sitting like friends, when they should've been all over each other.

She was so into the jokes and random conversations that she completely forgot they were pretending to be dating.

He moved his hand lazily, trying to reach her with no success. He managed to pinch her jacket, having her not even noticing how he was trying to get some affection from her, but he was only looking like a clingy kitten seeking attention.

As he watched her excitedly speaking, he kept moving on his chair, trying to find a way to drag it on the sand to stick it to hers. He wasn't successful at moving it, and the only time he did it, he fell all over the ground with everyone moving their eyes back on him.

—Oh my god, are you okay? —Y/n got up first, helping San get up.

—Yeah, I'm just a bit sleepy —he lied.

—Did I hear sleep? —Yunho quickly interrupted, getting back into the group conversation— Yeah, we all should go to sleep.

—Don't pretend you want to sleep —Hongjoong sassily answered—. But yeah, we should get some sleep. It's late, and tomorrow we should wake up early to go for a walk.

While some of them bothered to tidy everything up a bit, and extinguish the fire, the rest moved to their respective tents around the small fire -with each couple sharing one, and Wooyoung exchanging roommates to sleep with Hongjoong.

—Are you okay? —Y/n asked again as San closed the tent.

—Yeah —he assured her.

—I know I was barely paying attention to you today —she acknowledged, sitting over her spread sleeping back.

—Oh, that? —he puffed, laughing it off— I was with the boys.

—Uh-hum —she nodded, holding back her laugh—. I just wanted to let you know that I did it because I wanted to get on well with everyone. The girls took the time to invite me to meet me, so it just seemed right to, you know, do exactly what was planned.

—I know —he squatted in front of her—. I wasn't bothered or anything. I totally understand it, seriously. I really liked seeing how well you got on with everybody.

Even if eventually it'd be for nothing.

—Yeah, it's so easy though. I can tell why you all are friends.

It was such a genuine group, that she immediately felt welcomed as if she wasn't the last one to join their group of friends. And it was also so different from everything she had known. There was no toxicity, she didn't feel like having her guard up and looking deep into everything they said or did. She wasn't scared of ill intentions from them, or passive-aggressive comments. Their bickering and teasing was healthy, from a friendly and trustful position, and that helped her a lot to recharge some batteries from her daily life.

—Although it sucks the little time I spent with you was because you had to take a hook out of my mouth —he mumbled.

—Does it hurt? —she suddenly asked, placing her thumb carefully over the bandage.

—It bothered a bit to eat, but it's okay —he assured her.

Her hand moved down his neck, pulling him towards her at the same time she moved her body up to shorten the distance between them. Their eyes instantly closed as they were flooded by the feeling, by the way their lips molded into each other so perfectly.

—I was dying to do this all day —he whispered, breaking the kiss but staying glued to her.

—And what stopped you? —she chuckled, pecking the corner of his lips.

—You were surrounded by people all the time.

After that sentence, the kiss adopted a whole new speed, a whole new level of passion and need that they hadn't experienced before. At least not in person.

They were ready to devour each other, while their tongues sneaked into their mouths to memorize every single corner in them. She pulled him in closer, managing to find a way to have them both lying in between their two sleeping bags.

Either San was getting better at kissing, or how needy she was for him was making things to her body, because she found herself gasping every time his tongue rolled on hers just like she taught him.

Her fingers slipped the sleeves of his jacket down his arms, exposing his tanned biceps for them to move over his skin as she pleased.

San felt his body being pushed back to his sleeping back, with her following right after him to straddle his hips. And while his mouth had everything under control, his hands were struggling to find the right spot in her body, waving in the air over her back, barely rubbing his digits over the cotton fabric of her blue t-shirt.

As she leaned more comfortably on him, allowing him to feel her chest pressed against his, and the way her heart pumped through her rib cage, he found the little encouragement he needed to hold her confidently, placing his hands on her ribs and her waist.

The kiss was loud, every suck, every move of tongue, every gasp for air was perfectly heard, and it sent a clear message to a concrete side of her brain, which led her to lose all control she thought she had over her body. Her hips rocked against his unconsciously, barely noticing that back and forth.

His digits enclosed around the fabric of her t-shirt, holding back his groans as he felt his bulge growing with every subtle move of her hips, making it even more difficult as she sank her fingertips on his hair.

And it all suddenly stopped.

San thought, at first, she was just thinking it through. Her eyes were fixed on a particular place on the tent, suddenly hopping off him.

—Shit.

She didn't recognize that feeling at first, she was too blinded by how excited she felt by the situation that she genuinely thought it was just her arousal building up. But she recognized that thick and slick texture moving down her walls, added with the fact that she didn't get her period yet that month, it was a more than obvious answer.

—Is everything okay?

—Can you get out for a quick second?

San was worried, but he dragged his body outside the tent just like she asked him to. It made him wonder if he had done something wrong, or if she realized they just didn't click for some reason.

It was obvious she was too much for him.

Her head interrupted his overthinking process as she peeked through the zip, looking nervous and embarrassed.

—I have a little problem —she started, feeling her cheeks burning as she planned on getting deeper into the conversation.

—Did I do something wrong? —he whispered— Is everything alright?

—Yeah, it's just... —she bit her lip, looking away for a short moment— I have a little problem going on right now. I'm at that time of the month, and I didn't really plan it.

Especially because of how irregular it got in the past two years.

—That time of the month? —San asked, confused— Oh...

—Did I mess with your clothes? —she innocently asked.

—No, they're fine —he double checked looking down, although he was just answering to make her feel better, not because he was indeed seeing a thing among the darkness—. But do you need anything? Is it hurting?

—No, I'm okay —she shook her head—. But I didn't bring anything for it, and I only brought a pair of extra panties.

—I will work on it —San assured her.

—But...

—What do you need? Pads? Tampons? Did you also stain your pants?

Pressing her lips together, she nodded slowly.

—I'll work on something, just wait here.

There were three other girls in the camping, there was no possible way either of them had something that could work for Y/n.

He first went to Yunho's tent, palming the side until he heard his friend huffing at the other side. He rolled his eyes when he saw San kneeling in front of the door.

—What? You want a condom?

—Not really —he shook his head.

What was the right thing to say? Y/n was clearly embarrassed when she told him, so was it right to ask directly what he wanted? He just didn't want her to feel bad about it the next day.

—Well, I have some problems at night —San started—. I always use them to sleep, but I forgot to bring them today because Wooyoung rushed us.

—What is it? C'mon, I was sleeping.

—Does Iseul have pads? —he asked.

—Pads? For you? —Yunho asked, confused.

San simply nodded, hoping Yunho wouldn't ask any questions as he moved back inside the tent to get back at him a few seconds later with a soft coloured package.

—Next time prepare all your things better.

He didn't let him answer back, before the zip of his tent was closed back again.

San looked back around, trying to guess who'd be the person that could possibly have the other item he was looking for, and it was clear for him when his eyes fell on the tent Seonghwa and Mingi were sharing.

—Get out —Mingi complained from the inside.

—I need Hwa, shut the hell up —San answered.

—Me?

Seonghwa's messy hair and sleepy face confirmed he wasn't struggling as much as Yunho to sleep.

—You brought extra pants, right?

He always did. And his size wouldn't look too big on Y/n either.

—Yeah, why?

—I broke Y/n's.

—How did you break Y/n's?

—She almost fell, and I held her by the belt thingy instead, and her pants ripped.

—That's because she isn't cleaning her clothes right —Seonghwa shook his head—. Hold on.

A minute later, he was palming his tent again to get Y/n's attention and hand her everything he had been able to collect, without making it obvious it was for her.

—Nobody knows it's for you. Well, except for the pants —San added—. So don't worry.

—Thank you —she whispered, holding all of the items.

He waited outside again patiently, until her head peeked through the zip again to inform him that she was already done. It was quiet, with each of them sliding inside their own sleeping bag as they stared at the ceiling in silence.

—What did you tell them?

—Well, Yunho now thinks that I either pee myself or cum in my sleep, and Seonghwa is judging you for the way you wash your clothes.

It wasn't like she really cared for people knowing she was on her period, it was something natural that she didn't need to hide, but the fact that San was so careful with it, to the extreme of embarrassing himself to protect her was something she appreciated. And that kiss on his cheek, despite how hard it was for her to move inside her sleeping bag, was the only show of affection she could think of.

—Neither of them asked you anything?

—Hmm no —he shook his head—. They were only annoyed because I woke them up.

Her lips were pressed together, trying to hold back the question that had been going through her head ever since she met his friends for the first time. And it only grew deeper after Sam commented how San's parents were the ones paying for his rent and his expenses, all while he studied.

—Why do you keep lying to them about your other side? I mean, I bet they'd all understand, and support you either way.

—When I met them my parents were in a good position —he first answered—. I didn't have to bother about anything. That was how all of them met me. I wasn't struggling with money, I was doing just fine. But my father got fired and everything changed. The place they lived in changed, the way I lived changed...

He obviously kept the small detail of her company being the one that kicked him out to himself. He didn't want her to feel responsible for any of that.

—And I didn't want my friends to change either. I didn't want them to see me differently —he admitted—. At first that channel was only to pay the rent while I finished the degree, so I didn't think they needed to know. But later I started the master's degree, and thought that, at that point, I had already lied too many times to come up with the truth. It's not like they need to know, so what's really the point? Neither of them have met my parents, so it's just better this way.

Out of all the different scenarios she could've come up with, that was the last one in them. She couldn't even think of something like that when she was first told. And, for some reason, either for his situation or because it was simply San the one going through it, she felt bad. She could feel the struggle and pain.

It was tough to hide a lie.

—I feel you —she nodded.

—Really?

—Yeah —she sighed—. I'm going through something similar —she admitted—. Nobody knows about this, I've never really dared to say this even out loud while alone —she chuckled—. Two years ago I was diagnosed with an illness —she confessed—. I was interned, but nobody knew. Not my dad, not my ex boyfriend... no one. To this day no one knows I have multiple sclerosis and that it could lead to problems in the way I work. And nobody knows because I don't want anything to change, I don't want anyone to treat me differently. And I don't want to lose opportunities because of that either.

Those thoughts were always in her head but, for some reason, they felt completely different while being said out loud.

—I actually suspected it —San whispered—. Your medicine was in the fridge.

She had so normalized having those boxes in the fridge that she completely forgot they were there.

She realized why she trusted him so much, and why she felt so comfortable. He didn't force any answer from her, he didn't change his behavior towards her... everything was all the same. And, as much as it was a small gesture, she was thankful for that.

—I didn't want to ask you, but it means a lot that you shared this with me.

Just like he shared the only issue in his life, and that was nothing compared to hers.

—We're the only ones that know each other's secrets —she smiled—. And that's why I want you to rely on me whenever you need anything. Learn to open up.

—It also applies to you —he reminded her—. Whenever you feel bad, whenever you just need someone to vent, reach me. Headache? Text. You feel uncomfortable? Text. I’ll be there even if you just want to say the most random thing —Y/n laughed at that comment.

—It's a promise, I guess. And you know what's the best way to seal a promise?

It surprised her how effortlessly San managed to drag her sleeping bag right next to his with just one hand, making sure they were as close as possible just to be able to kiss her like they both wanted to. 

[offsidekineticist]

FINALLY

I mentioned in another post that I was going to split the next chapter into three chapters and...uh...I lied. It's Giliys's Terrible, Horrible, Awful, No Good, Very Bad Day, and splitting it into three parts just kind of messed with the flow. So, uh...sorry it's so long...

CW: Hurt people hurting people (dysfunctional/abusive family or relationship dynamics); problems eating; poor bedside manner; migraines; rotting body parts; use of a gendered slur; cops being jerks; mass casualty incident; loss of control/blackout; suicidal ideation; saying goodbye

What I Said Back In Brastlewark

Everything comes to a head the day Qweck returns to check on Thay’s hands. The day starts off miserably. The day before was one of Thay’s Bad Days, when he couldn’t manage the energy to leave the apartment, which meant he couldn’t eat all day because of the Stench. The night was also bad. He pretended to sleep, but by now you can tell the difference from the way he breathes–soft, shallow breaths when pretending, long and loud when asleep. 

Despite being hungry and exhausted, Thay forces himself out of bed at dawn. You’d rather he save his strength for later, so you can get him to someplace where he can eat, so you put a hand on his shoulder.

“Thay, I think it’s ok if you stay in bed–I think she’ll understand, on account of bein’ a healer–”

“I will not have her thinking I’m bedridden,” he snaps through grit teeth, swaying in place. He is unsteady on his feet, but he is standing. He looks around the apartment. “Where’s the incense?”

Your brow furrows in confusion. You had brought home some incense you swiped from Temple Hill the other day, hoping it would cover up the stench so Thay could eat at home. Turns out that layering two strong smells on top of each other just gives Thay migraines. “It’s in the cabinet, but why–?”

“Light some.”

You should know better. You should know better by now, but you argue with him anyway. “Uh…Is that really such a good idea, Thay? You’re already having a rough day, and last time–”

“Shut up and light the damn incense,” Thay snaps, even sharper than usual. You feel the fire in your chest, the whispers almost too quiet to make out–how dare he speak to you that way? How dare he tell you what to do, like you’re just–

Instinct takes over, pushing away the fire. Shame and guilt at having disappointed him replace the rage and indignation. “Of course. I’m sorry,” you say softly, bowing your head slightly as you retrieve the incense from the cabinet and put it in a bowl on the table to light. You can tell as soon as you’ve lit the incense that this was a bad idea: Thay’s skin goes from stone gray to ashy, and his jaw tightens as he’s determined not to be sick. But you don’t say anything. You don’t offer to put out the flame.

You help him dress, and then he settles down on the floor. “Fetch me my book?” he asks, and you retrieve his latest book from his bag. It’s one of the ones he got from Rivad, you’re pretty sure. He’s been reading through them near constantly since arriving in Kintargo, and it became even more intense once Qweck left. You think this book is about summoning circles, given the illustrations. Every time he reads it, you want to ask him to read out loud so you can follow along, but you know better.

You open the book to the bookmarked page and hold it up in your lap for him (“What do you think you’re doing?! You do not ever lay a book flat! You’ll break the spine!”), and you can immediately tell Thay is only pretending to read. His eyes are unfocused, staring straight into the book instead of moving back and forth across the page. He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, and you realize he probably can’t read with that migraine of his. He’s just going through the motions so it will look like he’s reading it when Qweck arrives. He her to find him at the start of a cheery morning reading his book. He doesn’t want her to know how much he’s struggling. He doesn’t want anyone to know. 

(Except you. Everyone gets his best face except for you.)

It’s hard to judge how long the two of you sit there like that–you usually judge the passage of time by how many pages he’s asked you to turn–but eventually there's a knock at the door. Thay flinches at the noise with a slight whimper. You gently close the book and set it down on the floor in front of him as softly as you can before getting the door.

Qweck looks well, for the most part–less tired than she did last time you saw her. She’s paler than usual, but given how she’s covering her mouth and nose with her hand,  you can guess why.

"Why does half the city smell like rotting flesh?” she demands without preamble. 

“Nice to see you too, princess. Settled in so well to rich folk life that you forgot what the rest of us smell like, have ya?” you say, stepping aside so she can get into the apartment. Her ear twitches in frustration.

“We both know it didn’t smell like this before I left. What happened?”

"Fuck if I know, I just live here. You try asking the shiny jackdaws about it? Maybe they’ll care once someone from uptown asks.”

(The answer is that Hell doesn't let its holdings go without a fight. Hell is coming for Kintargo, and the birdbrains who “liberated” the city can’t fucking stop it.)

“Giliys, stop antagonizing our guest,” Thay says with false gentleness. When you turn to look at him, it’s all you can do not to gape, because there he is: it’s the old Thay, his mild disapproval of your antics evident in the way his bottom lip slightly juts out like a disappointed pout, but an affable twinkle in his eye assuring you he isn't angry. For a moment you're back in Brastlewark, and the last several months have all been a bad dream, and you have to remind yourself of the truth. Even knowing how skilled Thay is at disguising his feelings, it’s still shocking to see just how good he is at it.

Qweck stares at him a moment, and your heart sinks. She won’t see through it. She’ll think he’s doing great, and still nobody will know except you.

“Is that incense?” she asks.

"Helps cover the Stench,” Thay explains with a wry smile.

“And that isn't making things worse?” Queck asks.

"Hard to get much worse than corpse stench, isn't it?” Thay says with a chuckle as he stands up, and gods, the migraine must be bad because he actually winces. 

“It’s actually giving me a headache,” Qweck says. Thay slips for a moment, his expression freezing.

“Giliys!” He hisses.

“Yes, Thay,” you say as you hurry to put out the incense.

Recovering himself, Theo returns his attention to Qweck. “How shall we do this, Healer?”

Qweck looks at Thay suspiciously and then looks at you as you hurriedly smother the burning incense. Your eyes meet, and you search for any sign that she knows that this is an act. Any sign that she sees through this and knows how badly he’s struggling. 

The moment passes, and she returns her attention to Thay. “I just need something flat to rest your hand on. A stack of books will do.”

He grimaces at that before he puts back on the cheeriness. "Promise I won't leak blood or pus on the books?”

“Have you been leaking blood or pus?”

"No.”

"Then this won't change that. Where's the bag?”

"Here,” you say, holding up Thay's biggenlil bag. One by one, you take out books on infernal hierarchies and arcane geometry and the construction of summoning circles and whatever else the Order of the Rack deemed too subversive for public consumption until you've made a stack tall enough that Qweck won't have to bend over to reach Thay's hand while she works. She and Thay both settle by the stack of books, and she takes out a small pair of scissors to cut through the bandages she used to make her makeshift splints. 

Thay does a spectacular job of hiding it, but the tightness in his jaw is giving away the fact that this hurts. It doesn't stop him from making small talk or chuckling at Qweck's dry sense of humor.

Halfway through working on his second hand she decides she's had enough. "You don't have to pretend for me, Theo. It's alright if you're in pain.”

The expression freezes on his face. "Well, the last time I let you see how much pain I was in, you left, so you'll forgive me for being skeptical.”

Your heart sinks. She sees through him–at least enough to know his hands hurt–but it doesn’t matter. She’s not coming back.

Qweck’s face tightens. "I see,” she says, cutting off the last bandage. "Should I bother asking how they feel, or are you going to lie to me about that, too?”

He slowly opens and closes both hands, ignoring the barb. "It's fine,” he announces. He pauses before looking sheepishly at Qweck. "Genuinely, it's fine. My affect is not a deception, I just. I didn't want to be misunderstood.”

“Is that what you think happened last time? I just misunderstood because you didn't put on a performance for me?” Thay freezes, and you can see him struggling to find the correct answer through the pain. Qweck must see it too because she closes her eyes with a sigh. "Your hands have atrophied, and you're going to have to learn how to use them again. Giliys can show you where I'm staying. I want to see you twice a week for conditioning.”

“Twice a week–I'm sure that's unnecessary.”

"Of course you are. Wealdays and Stardays at noon. Don't waste my time by skipping.” She turns her attention to you. "Do you have any flayleaf you need me to measure out?”

“Forgot to pick up the new batch yesterday, so I'm going to take care of it today. Figured I'd stop by the cafe this afternoon,” you say.

(“Thay, I have to go–it's just for a couple of hours, but she's gonna be here tomorrow and I need to get the medicine before–”

“Please–please don't.”)

Qweck rolls her eyes. "Of course, because I couldn't possibly have had my own plans for the afternoon. Fine. I'll see you in a few hours.” She turns back to Thay. "I don't know why you're lying to your healer about your health, but I do know that your hands are not, and probably never will be, back to normal, so don't strain them by pretending they are.”

"It really isn't so–”

"Theoven,” she says sharply. "Your hands are holding together by a thread. Do not ignore the pain. If something aggravates it, you stop, and if that's too much for you, let me know, and I can save us all a lot of grief by just amputating now. Is that clear?” 

Theo nods but you can't tell how much of that got through to him. You hope he got it because otherwise you'll have to be the one enforcing this bit of doctor's orders, and judging by how he responds to your limiting his flayleaf dosage when he has a flare up, that won't be fun. Qweck, however, seems satisfied with that–or at least satisfied that if Thay loses his hands he won't be able to blame her. She picks up her doctor's bag and stands up.

"Well, if that's all, I'll be off.”

"It was wonderful to see you again,” Thay says, as if that can somehow salvage the situation.

"I'm glad. It would have been nice if I could have seen you too. Remember: Wealday at noon.”

It is only after the sound of her steps on the stairs has faded that Thay suddenly doubles over and lets out a half groan, half roar of pain that turns into violent but futile retching. You hurry to his side and, seeing that he's shaking and gasping for breath, you scoop him up in your arms and carry him back to the bed. It’s not hard; he is disturbingly light these days.

You gently lay him on the bed. You turn away, but he reaches out, with a hiss of pain, very weakly grabs your sleeve.

“Don't go,” he gasps.

You were just going to shutter the window. The light makes the migraines worse. You know it will be better for him if you go and come back–

–but he said no.

So you climb onto the bed, carefully shielding him from the sunlight from the window as best you can, gently stroking his hair as he whimpers and gasps in pain and he buries his face in your chest, and you wish he would just let you help him right.

It is early evening when Theo finally falls asleep and you're able to leave to find his medicine. You need to be quick–hell's influence is at its strongest after dark, so the less time you spend out at night, the better. The sun is almost touching the horizon line, ready to sink into the sea for the night when you leave the apartment. By the time you've arrived at the fisherman’s supply shop by the harbor, delivery in hand, the sun is gone.

You have to pound on the door three times before it opens.

“Shh!” hisses the dwarven tiefling at the door. You're pretty sure she gave you her name at some point, but you just call her Ears because of her huge, bat-like ears. She glares at you with beady eyes. “Are you insane being out after dark?” She ushers you inside.

“Shit don’t stop needing to be done just cuz the sun got lazy,” you snap. She laughs.

“All that halfling luck's gone to your head if you think you're not bullshitting. Good to see you, I guess. Was beginnin’ to think the guard got to ya,” the tiefling said, crossing her arms. “Them or the ghosts.”

“Yeah, well, they didn’t.” You set down the bloody bag on the counter, mood soured more than usual by the old 'halfling luck' line. “All three are in there.”

She opens the bag and immediately chokes on the stench. “Fuck–how long have you had these?”

“A couple days. Shit came up so I couldn't get to you right away. Didn’t realize they were rotting that bad.”

“How the fuck don’t you notice this?” She demands, still gagging.

“All of Redroof smells like that.”

“You poor bastards. Fuck.” She ties off the bag. “Drop it in the river on the way out, will ya? Gonna have to light some incense or something to get the smell out, shit.”

“Did you get me the good stuff this time?”

Ears’s tail flicks in irritation, and she rolls her eyes as she turns back towards the shelves behind her. “I did what I could. Best I could manage was more raw stuff.”

You grit your teeth, ignoring the heat in your chest. “That wasn't the deal.”

“No, the deal was you take care of my competition, and I do what I can. Look, you want the stuff so bad, you break into the castle and take it.”

You clench your teeth. Supplies are limited in Kintargo. Trade has been disrupted so that anything that relies on imports has become absurdly expensive. It's even worse when the goods in question are medical in nature–any medicines that can’t be easily brewed from local herbs are now kept and dispensed by the City of Kintargo. It was one thing to break into a mostly empty mansion and take a few of the less notable baubles; it would be another to break into the headquarters of the provincial military, the city guard, and the local hellknight order to take highly valued medicine.

(You could pull it off, you’re sure, but only if you weren’t planning on staying in the city after)

So instead you’re stuck knocking off petty criminals so a kid with delusions of grandeur and a connection in the docks can give you the stuff that's too shitty to sell to alchemists. You’re just able to wrestle down the heat in your chest when you see the size of the herb pouch Ears is holding.

“What the fuck–that’s nowhere near enough!”

“That's what I got. You have any idea how much that little bag is worth in this city right now?” She gets a sly look on her face. “Now, I might be willing to stick my neck out a little for a full-timer.”

There it is. Ever since she realized you were a professional and not just some goon with a knife, she’s been trying to get you to agree to being the lieutenant of her “crime empire” of pickpockets and muggers. “I’ll think about it.”

“You always say that.”

“I’m always thinking ‘bout it.”

“Aww, Lucky, I’m flattered! But I’m gonna need an answer soon. This is a lot of effort to go through for a man who won’t commit.”

The innuendo startles you, and without instinct to tamp it down the rage burns in your chest. How dare she try to ensnare you? How dare she mock you? How dare this waif, cursed with a speck of hellishness, mock the vessel of hell itself?

You force the fire down through sheer force of will. You ignore how the flames roar in fury, robbed of sustenance.

I am hungry, hellhound!

You snatch up the herb pouch out of her hand, ignoring the fire. “I’ll be by when I need more,” you snarl as you go to the door. She doesn’t resist, only grins smugly at you–she likes unsettling you, likes reminding you that there’s nowhere else to go.

The fire burns, and it takes all you have not to let it consume her for her insolence.

“Don’t forget the hands!” Ears shouts after you.

“Don't forget it yourself, you fucking pussy!” you shout over your shoulder before slamming the door behind you, holding the fire in your chest so it doesn’t spread. Once you're sure you're not going to catch fire, you take a deep breath and begin walking.

Qweck is staying with Laria Longroad, who runs the Long Roads Coffeehouse in the Villegre. The Villegre is Kintargo's university district, situated against the city's northern wall–on the opposite side of the city from Ears's supply shop. You don't exactly like having to cross a helltouched city at night, but you don't have much choice.

You never put much stock in the "lucky halfling" myth–you always figured that if you were really lucky, you wouldn't ever have been a slave–but considering you make it to the docks, catch the ferry across the river, and make it as far as Alabaster Academy without seeing any trouble, maybe there's something to it. The hair on the back of your neck is just starting to settle down when a shriek cuts through the air and rattles your bones. You flinch and cover your ears. You'd heard rumors about this–a phantom that screeches through the night, uttering oaths and curses in dark languages. You think it's Infernal that she's screaming, but you don’t understand the meaning. You don't know what the phantom–ghost–wraith–thing wants, but you don't intend to find out.

You sprint down the street, and you feel the warmth spread from your chest down towards your legs, driving you faster and faster. You will pay for that when you stop, when the fire won't die back down and hide in your chest anymore, but the creature's wails are in your ears, and you need to find shelter now.

You ignore the CLOSED sign in the window and barrel through the door. A halfling woman with fair hair–Laria Longroad–startles from her work cleaning the countertop and looks up.

“What the fuuu–oh! It’s you.” she says, eyes widening in surprise before she smiles like she’s happy to see you.

(Laria always smiles when she sees you. You have no fucking clue why. You’re just as much of a dick to her as you are to everyone else who isn’t Thay, but for some reason that doesn’t faze her.)

“Yeah, sorry to show up so late, I just gotta talk to Qweck about something,” you say.

"She said you might come around. But you're outta luck," Laria says, disappearing behind the counter again before walking around it to get to you. “Qweck’s gone to bed. Early sleeper, she is, but I suppose that’s t’be expected, what with her being Irorian and all.”

Shit. “Well, I guess I better go wake her up.” You move to walk towards the back, toward the stairs that you know lead to the apartment upstairs, but Laria steps in front of you.

“If you give me the medicine, I’ll see that she gets it and brings it to you tomorrow. She needs her rest. Today was rough on her.”

You huff at that. “Sure it was. She spent less than an hour with us. I think she can handle five minutes with me to get Thay’s pain down from excruciating to torturous.”

She doesn’t react right away. Then she reaches out and takes your arm. “Come sit down, Giliys. There’s something I’d like to talk with you about.”

You almost tell her to fuck off, but you’ve always had a soft spot for Laria. You knew her when she was first on the run after beating a slaver to death with her bare hands, and you got to watch her grow into the tiller she is today. She thinks you had something to do with that. Maybe you did; you did check in on her a lot when she was getting established in Kintargo. And you were maybe a little more honest than usual with her about your history when you caught her crying over the blood on her hands.

The point is, you never had a sister, but if you did you’d kinda hope she’d be like Laria. If Laria says she wants to talk to you, well, you gotta make sure the guilt isn’t getting to her (she’s not as used to it as you are, on account of being an all around better person than you). So you let her lead you to a table and you both sit down across from each other.

“Everything ok, Kid?” you ask.

“I should be asking you that,” she says. “We haven’t talked since you arrived, but from what Qweck has told me, you’ve been on a rough ride the last couple of months.”

You wave her off. “I’m fine. I’m not the one who got tortured for a month.”

“That doesn’t mean it hasn’t been hard.”

You shrug. “It is what it is. You said there was something you wanted to talk about?”

She hesitates before nodding. She's thinking through her words before she speaks, and that's not a good sign–Laria has never been afraid to speak her mind, at least not to you. “It’s funny," she says, looking over the shop. "Most days I’m used to it, but every now and then I stop and look around and think ‘this is my place. My shop. My home. I own this.’ And it’s just…for a second I don’t believe it. It’s like the Laria from before just popped into my body, and she just can’t grasp the idea of having any of this.”

You relax slightly. She just wants to talk about her feelings, and she's hesitating because they're about the Old Times. Nothing too bad, you just gotta listen and nod and not be a dick. “Yeah," you say with a nod, "yeah, I think I get what you mean. Not that I have a coffee shop or anything, but…yeah. I know that feeling.”

(You used to get that feeling when you’d visit Thay, when you’d sit on his couch with a mug of hot cocoa and realize you have a friend, that this beautiful, wonderful soul was your friend and chose to be your friend, even though you had proven to him from the moment you met that you didn’t deserve–)

“It gets me thinking, sometimes,” Laria continues. “Reminiscing, I guess you could say, about how I got here. Remember the first time you visited after I set up the shop?”

“The time you fucking poisoned me? Yeah, I remember that.”

She chuckles at that. She didn’t actually poison you, she just gave you a cup of coffee on the house, and that was how you learned that you fucking hate coffee. “I remember I mentioned I was thinking of hiring some folks to help out–another server or two. And I said I thought maybe it could be a way to help the slaves we freed. Give them a job, help them get on their feet and figure out who they want to be now that they’re free. And I remember you said something that stuck with me. You said not to make a server out of anyone still learning how to be free, cuz the customers will act like masters and make them forget they're free.”

“Yeah, I remember that, too.”

“And it's funny, because even all these years later, sometimes I catch myself falling into that–not often, but if it's been a busy few days, and I've got some cranky customers who haven't had their coffee yet, sometimes the old scars start aching, and I catch myself saying sorry to some snobby brat screaming at me in my own shop, you know?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s been a couple decades since the last time I had a real job–well, ok, I've never had a legit job, but, you know, a job with a boss–but yeah, I remember what that was like.”

She pauses for a long moment, and you begin to wonder if you’ve said something wrong. And then, disturbingly gently, she says, “It’s not just a job that can make us feel like that, though, is it?”

She's not here to talk about her feelings. There's something specific she's fishing for, and you don't like it. You can feel your expression harden. “Get to the point, Kid.”

She sighs. “I just want to make sure you haven’t forgotten that you're free. Because Qweck said some things that have me thinking that maybe you have.”

Your jaw almost drops.

“Ex-fucking-scuse me?!” you demand. “You–hold on. I–wow. Okay. So, just on the word of sheltered kid who lived in a cloister until a month ago, you’re accusing someone you’ve never met–someone, I will add, who has more goodness in his thumb than either of us have in our whole fucking bodies–you think he’s acting like a master cuz his ungrateful cunt of a daughter said so?”

“It’s not about him," Laria says, eyes wide. "It’s–”

“But it is! Of course it is! People don’t just forget they're free when they feel respected, do they? Not when they're decades removed from slavery. So she thinks he’s taking advantage of me? Of course she’d think that–she despises him!” You don’t notice your voice rising, or how it shapes itself towards the highborn Egorien of your youth. “As long as I’ve known her, all she’s ever had to say about him were backhanded comments about her guardian–never her father–her guardian, the collaborator, how he burned books for Thrune and was just as complicit as any hellknight. He took her in, raised her on his own, and she has nothing but contempt for him–and so she started pouring poison in your ear and you just believed her?!"

"That–that's not–"

"You did! You didn't even question it, you just accepted it as divine prophecy! But of course you did–she’s a pretty face, isn't she? She's someone new and exciting and we both know you–”

The phantom's wails cut through the air like a knife, and you hear her Infernal vows of vengeance against the adventurers who killed her.

You understand her.

The shock of it knocks you out of your tirade, and suddenly you realize you’re standing up, your chair overturned behind you. You tower menacingly over Laria, both hands on the table in front of you–hands flaring with sparks as smoke rises from under your palms and fingers. She stares at you in silent terror, right hand reaching for a dagger you taught her to keep in her bodice. It’s no use, though–the fire in your chest has spread through your body, and you know from the siege camp that a knife in your chest will just make things worse–

So you run. You bolt across the cafe out the door, Infernal words that you can understand pounding in your ears, trying to get her out, out, OUT! But still the woman wails and still you understand, and still the fire roars and demands escape because you promised.

The heat grows and grows in your chest and your hands and your feet, and you realize you need to get as far from people as possible because you can’t hold it in anymore and people will burn. You race towards Villegre Park–not even nobles are crazy enough to go for a walk in the park after dark.

You make it. With desperate effort, you make it to the center of the park–or close enough. You drop to your knees and wrap your arms around yourself. You feel the fire rising inside you. The scar on your chest glows red under the drawstrings of your shirt. You squeeze your eyes shut and clench your teeth with a growl and then, with all your might, you let go–

–and nothing happens.

You’re left panting and sweating from exertion and heat and emotion, but there is no relief. The fire in your chest still burns, still spreads and demands release.

I want my souls, hellhound.

You sit on the ground uselessly, shaking with anxious energy, feeling like you want to tear off your skin and escape the confines of your body. The fire burns without warmth, leaving you to shiver in the cold of the night even as your insides are consumed by an inferno.

It's hard to say how long you sit there, wrestling the hellfire under your control. It’s harder to say how long you would have remained were you not interrupted by someone grabbing your shirt collar and picking you up off the ground.

“And what’s your business here?” It’s a guard–two guards. One of them, a tiefling with curled horns, holds you up by your shirt, while the other, human by the look of them, searches you.

“Stop,” you grind out, while the fire roars in your ears.

“Hey now, what have we here?” the human guard says triumphantly, snatching the pouch of flayleaf from your belt. They open the bag and take a quick sniff. “Flayleaf–the actual leaf? Got ourselves a connoisseur, we do!”

“Fellas at the harbor must be doing a good job of keeping out the hard stuff if he’s resorting to that shit.” He drops you on the ground and puts his foot on your back before you can react. He bends over to handcuff you and he puts weight on your back, and–

And–

And it’s dawn. You’re not in the park anymore. You're still in the Villegre–you can see the academy's tower to the west–but you are on some street surrounded by smoldering ash. There are piles of ashes and scorch marks on the sides of buildings, and you suspect they form a trail that will lead you back to the park. You don't care to test that theory. You are covered in ash, your clothes are scorched, and your hands sting when you move them, burned with hellfire. The rage is gone. The flames are silent.

She is silent.

Maybe halflings are lucky–after all, you woke up. She lost grip on you–took too many souls at once–and while you don’t remember how you know this, you know she would never have let you go if she didn’t have to. You might have been lost forever if she hadn't gorged herself. You were lucky.

This has to end. You’ve kept her at bay for years, but that time is over. Next time she won’t let you go. Next time she’ll know better, and she’ll never wake up. She’s silent now, quieter than she’s been since you arrived in Kintargo, sleeping off the feast of the night before. If you’re going to end this, now’s your chance.

The sun is rising over the city. It makes the water shimmer, and it’s beautiful. It’s all beautiful. You wish you had seen it before. You wish you could see it after. You are glad you see it now.

You don’t remember the walk back to Redroof, your mind in a haze. This is the third time you’ve resolved to cut to the chase, but something about this feels different. It feels real this time. You hate that your last kill will be with that stupid decorative dagger you swiped from an idiot noble–you’ve sharpened it until it could do fucking surgery if you wanted, and it still cuts wrong. Maybe you just miss your old dagger. Maybe there’s only so much you can do with a weapon that wasn’t made to be used. Maybe you should throw yourself off the bridge like you planned when you first got here. Or maybe Qweck will agree to slit your throat for you.

You arrive, and Thay is awake. He looks at you in alarm. Right–you're badly burned, dressed in scorched clothes and covered with ash. "Gilly–what–"

"I'm dying,” you blurt out. Thay freezes. "Or–no. I need to die. The devil–I’m losing control. She’s been getting stronger since we got here, and I can’t–I can’t hold her back anymore, and someday soon she’s gonna take over and I won’t ever come back, and fuck if I know what she’ll do but she just burned a path through the Villegre and killed gods know how many people, so I know it won’t be anything fucking good. So…so I have to die.” Thay doesn't say a word. His face doesn't shift. So you do what you always do when you’re anxious about the silence: you keep going. "I thought you should know, so…y'know. You could patch things up with Qweck and make arrangements before–”

"No,” he says softly, almost keening.

“It'll be fine, Thay. She loves you, she'll–”

"I'm not losing you again!” It's an animalistic snarl, feral and harsh. The sheer intensity of it strikes you speechless for a moment before you find your words and carry on.

"You...you have to, Thay. It'll be alright–you don't need me. I haven't really been helping much, anyway. You'll be fine without me.”

"I won't!” he exclaims, and there’s a naked desperation in his expression you don’t recognize. “I won't be fine without you–how could you think–” He stops short, trying to collect himself. “I'm sorry–I know I've been awful, I'm trying, I swear, but it's just so hard, and it's not working, but I'm trying, I–please don't give up on me, Gilly, I won't survive it, please!” His expression shifts, and it takes a moment to quash the hope you feel when you realize he has an idea. “The contract–show me the contract! There must be a way to break it, there always is, and we can–”

“There’s no contract, Thay,” you answer wearily.

He seems to almost recoil in confusion. “No contract–as in you lost it?”

“As in there was never any contract. I just let her in, and she’s stayed ever since.”

“But–but that doesn’t make sense! What kind of devil–there has to be a contract, we just have to find it. It might take some time, but–”

“We don’t have time, Thay. She’s gonna wake up soon, and then she’ll want more souls.”

“Then give them to her! We live in Redroof, for Aroden's sake, surely you can find someone who won't be missed!”

It takes a moment for you to process–to understand what he wants you to do. When you understand, you have a moment of sickening clarity: there is something very wrong with Thay, and you've been making it worse. He’s been so twisted up inside that he’s starting to become like you. You need to leave for his sake as much as for the sake of the souls you'd have to reap to stay.

"I'm going to go tell Qweck,” you say as gently as you can, “so she knows to come see you. I don’t have much time, so I probably won’t be back before…yeah. I just want you to know…I’m so, so sorry for…for lying to you. For tricking you into helping me, and letting you think I maybe…might be….almost good somewhere deep fucking down. I’m so fucking sorry. And…And…” Oh, how these next words catch in your throat. “And I meant what I said back in Brastlewark. About why I couldn’t let you volunteer. I meant it. I fucking meant it, and if you don't believe anything else I’ve ever said–and I sure as shit haven’t given you much reason to–please, for the love of all that’s holy and good, please believe that.”

You allow yourself a moment–barely any time at all, just a moment–to look at him, and for this moment, and only this moment, you believe with all your heart that halflings are the luckiest of creatures, and you are the luckiest of halflings, because surely only the luckiest of the lucky ever behold beauty like this.

The moment passes. It's time to go. You hear his voice behind you, hear him sobbing, begging you to stay, but it's no use. You've already seen him for the last time. As much as you'd like to stay and stare at him forever, it's time to go.

You step out from the shade of the apartment into the brightness of your final day, and you don't look back.

[nxzz-skz]

~Jake ff - games w/ my ex (oneshot)

Warnings: Swearing, kissing, slight mention of murder

Y/N POV:

It was finally Saturday night, and me and my best friends had decided to spend some time away from stress by staying in an hotel and having the time of our lives.

I was so happy to finally have some time to just drink and forget about everything that had caused me stress in the past couple months.

I was having such a good time, laughing and joking with my friends, not even caring that my ex and a couple of his friends had shown up. I didn’t particularly like the idea and the fact that he was here, but I wasn’t in the mood to cause any drama , so i ignored his gaze and continued to laugh my worries away

My best friend Winter suddenly shouted over the loud laughter and chatter “Guys does anyone wanna play a game?!” Everyone looked at her in curiosity, wondering what she was planning.

Jisung replied with “It depends on what game you’re talking about here” causing all of us to nod in agreement as we waited for Winter to give us more information about the game.

“Yeah and also who’s playing with us” I chipped in, hinting at her that I really didn’t want to play any game that involved me and Jake having to interact with each other. Especially not after i had ignored and successfully gotten over him after two months.

Winter replied with a wink and said “I can’t say who will and won’t play since it’s up to them, but since we’re all single here, lets play seven minutes in heaven!”

My eyes widened in shock as i knew what this was leading to and I glared at Winter, telepathically trying to tell her that this was a very bad idea, to which she responded to with just a shrug and sticking her tongue out at me.

I rolled my eyes at her childish response and sternly said “Well, i guess I’m definitely not taking part then”

“I mean I don’t really want to play either, but im not going to ruin the party unlike SOMEONE” Jake muttered to himself, but unfortunately it was loud enough for me to hear and i let out a scoff in response.

God this boy gets on all my last nerves.

“*scoff* On second thought, I might as well play since i definitely don’t wanna ruin the party” i said sarcastically , adding emphasis on the last part.

“Well that’s great then! Let’s start playing, unless anyone else has a problem with it” Winter said whilst looking around to see if anyone else was opposed to her idea.

“Count me in, I’m more than fine with it” Minho replied, finishing his drink and leaving his glass on the side, whilst the others copied him and gathered around Winter.

“Might as well join. Let’s play!” Yeji cheered.

Everyone cheered in agreement and got ready to begin the game.

Jake was watching me, waiting for me to join the rest of the group and to see if I would actually commit to playing the game. I internally groaned. The game hadn’t even started and he was already ruining my night.

“God, please make sure I end up with anyone but him” I prayed to myself, knowing completely well that if we ended up having to play together, he wouldn’t refuse. He could never, especially considering how cocky he was, and how big his ego was.

To be honest, I probably wouldn’t be able to say no myself, especially if i didn't want the others to laugh and tease me about it.

“Okay then, everyone gather around in a circle please!” Winter shouted, making us all sit together in a large circle, before emptying out a soju bottle and spinning it around in the centre.

“Please land on me, please land on me” I chanted internally and squeezed my eyes shut , thinking that going with Winter would be a million times better than the chance of ending up with Jake.

I opened my eyes and the bottle was still spinning and spinning, my gaze constantly followed it, hoping that i would just end up with Winter, but unfortunately to my disappointment, it slowed down and ended up stopping on Jisung.

With a wink, Jisung stood up and said, “C’mon, let’s go Winter” leaving Winter to follow after him whilst being a smiling, blushing mess.

“Great” i said with a sigh “Lemme just take my turn to spin it now”

I grabbed the bottle hoping that if i spun it now, there was a higher chance of me ending up with a person that was definitely not my ex.

“Yeji or Minho please, either one I don’t mind” i thought as I nervously watched the bottle spin, watching it spin past Minho, then Yeji, then Jake and then Minho again.

The bottle began to slow down with every spin, eventually slowing to a halt, passing Yeji and landing on the one person I didn’t want it to land on.

“Oh My God! Did i do something wrong in my past life?” I said whilst crying internally.

Yeji and Minho exchanged worried glances, knowing that it was only a couple of moments until i lost it.

“Y/n, if you really want, we can spin the bottle again..” Minho offered, making my eyes widen and sparkle with joy, but unfortunately Jake decided to speak up, saying “A game is a game, and the rules are the rules. You gotta play it the way its meant to be played..unless your a loser..”

He smirked as he knew exactly how to hit all my nerves.

“Can you just shut your big mouth Jake? Y/N let’s just spin it again” Yeji reassured, but i just shook my head, not wanting to seem like a quitter, especially in front of the one person i hated the most.

“I appreciate your concern Yeji, but a game is a fucking game, just like Mr. Know-It-All over here stated” i said through gritted teeth, my anger clearly showing now.

“Are you sure that you’re comfortable doing this?” Minho asked, scooting closer and grabbing my hand, squeezing it reassuringly.

I smiled a tight-lipped smile at Minho, nodding before letting go of his hand and turning my attention to Jake who was already looking at us with his jaw clenched and his eyes filled with….anger???

What was he angry about now???

“Let’s go Jake” I said, standing up and walking over to the closet, just in a desperate need to get this over and done with.

“Yeah whatever I’m coming” he muttered, following close behind me.

“Yah! Jake hurry up and get in here will you!” I yelled, making him stop stalling outside the opened walk-in-closet doors and walk towards me, looking as if he was about to loose it.

“God was I that bad of a boyfriend that your friends had to ask if you were ok with being with me for just 7 minutes? Fuck, I didn't even want to come to this stupid party, I only came because Jisung begged me” he said once he was close enough, looking as he was either about to burst out crying or punch someone in the face.

“You cheated, Jake! Of course you were that bad!” I shouted back at him, causing him to have another go at me.

“How many time do I have to fucking tell you , I didn't cheat on you. It was all a big misunderstanding” he responded.

Of course he was going to say the same thing he’s repeated about a hundred time already. He can keep on saying it but without an explanation, I’m not going to believe anything.

“Why do you keep on avoiding explaining it then??” I questioned

“Because that was the biggest thing I loved about you! I loved the fact that you trusted me more than anyone else in the whole world and when you stopped trusting me, our whole bond was broken. Everything was over and my whole world came crashing down” he said.

“Of course you would say that because you weren’t the one who saw their significant other KISSING SOMEONE ELSE. How do you expect me to trust you after seeing that?!” I retorted

Silence fell between us. He didn’t say another word nor did he even make an attempt to defend himself. A small part of me was hoping that he would eventually say something, but he never did.

“I’m going back, fuck this. I’m sure 7 minutes is over by now” i said and began to make my way towards the closet doors, when I found my foot getting caught on a hanger and causing me to trip and fall towards the ground.

“Oh God, Y/N are you ok?” Jake said worried, as he walked towards me and inspected my knee which i had banged against the hard wooden floor.

“I-I’m okay” i said whilst standing up but falling back down again, causing more pain in my knee once again.

“Stay still and shut that pretty mouth of yours” Jake said, scooping me up in his arms. My eyes widened and my cheeks flushed pink as i looked up at him in shock and embarrassment.

“Before you decide to protest, just remember that I’m only doing this to help you and if you scream your friends will probably think that im murdering you or something extreme” he warned, shutting me down before I even thought about yelling at him to put me down, and he started walking back towards the living room. Or so i thought.

“Why did you bring me to the bedroom?” I asked right as he placed me down and made me sit on the bed.

“Just stay quiet, I’ll be right back” he said, leaving me in shock and confusion.

I felt anxious waiting for his return, knowing that there was still tension between us as we clearly hadn’t resolved our problems yet.

I sat there hugging myself as the room seemed to have gotten chillier without the presence of another person. For some reason I desperately wanted him to come back soon, counting the seconds until he got back.

I counted a minute…then two…then three…and before I knew it, I had counted to a full five minutes still waiting for him to return.

I was still counting when i heard the floorboards creaking, making the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and i stood up to run to the door, only to fall forwards.

I was falling forwards, waiting for me to fall flat on my face, but i never did. Instead, i felt a strong, muscular pair of arms hold around my waist tightly.

Slowly opening my eyes, i was met with a pair of worry and love filled eyes staring straight into mine, making me weak at the knees.

I could feel my eyes begin to water when he placed a warm hand on my cheek and gently caressed my face.

“Are you ok? Why did you get up like that? Did something happen?” He questioned, his soft voice filled with worry and concern. He waited for me to reply but instead I wrapped my arms around him for a hug and started sobbing, only to realize what happened and i leaned away from him, punching his chest in rage.

“W-why did you leave? Do you have any idea how anxious i was? I didn’t know where you went and when I heard creepy noises I thought something was going to happen to me. Or even worse. Something would happen to you!” I shouted at him.

Jakes eyes softened as he pulled me in for another warm hug and gently caressed my back.

“Nothing is going to happen to you. Not while I’m still here with you” he whispered reassuringly, whilst wiping my tears away with his thumb and making me sit back down on the bed

“You promise?” I asked quietly

Jake smiled softly and nodded his head.

“Of course pretty girl, now lift up your leg so i can wipe the scratch” he responded, and that’s when I realized that he had only left me to grab a first aid kit to treat my wound.

“Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?” I asked

He didn’t respond and continued to hold my leg and wipe the scratch, so i abruptly pulled my leg away and stood up, ignoring the sharp pain that shot through my leg.

“Y/N, sit down please, you’re injured” he said, his voice filled with worry and care.

I scoffed at how calm and relaxed he seemed.

“How are you being so relaxed Jake? How are you acting like nothing ever happened? Why won’t you just explain what happened so we can go back to at least being friends?” I ranted, my face becoming hot from all the anger and frustration.

“Y/N sit down, this isn’t the time for this” he said sternly, once again trying to avoid the question for the millionth time in a day.

“When is the time for it then? When is the time for me?” I shot

“Not now, just let me treat your wound first” he said looking down and avoiding eye contact.

“Then when Jake? Tonight? Tomorrow? The day after? Next week? Next year? This is getting ridiculous Jake, just tell me when and I’ll wait. I’ll wait for the sake of us.” I replied

“Y/N for the last time, everything between us ended the day you stopped and refused to trust me, even though I repeatedly told you that it wasn’t what it looked like” he said, finally looking up at me.

“Jake we can fix everything that broke, if you just tell me what happened that day and explain yourself, I’ll never have a reason to doubt you again…please….” I protested, just wanting to finally know the truth.

“Okay if you wanna know that bad then I’ll tell you. I was waiting for you outside the club when a group of drunk girls came up to me. They all swarmed me on started clinging on to me and one of the girls came really up close to me. I pushed her away before she had the chance to kiss me, but with the timing and from the angle that that bastard Chris took the photo, it looked like she was actually kissing me. I swear on my life that I pushed them away on nothing happened between us. I didn’t realize that someone was taking a photo and i swear I wasn’t trying to act like nothing had happened just to play with your heart. I would never, ever willingly break a girls heart, especially yours. I still remember the look on your face when you came back from the bathroom and after being shown the photo. You looked as if you were trying really hard not to believe what you had just seen but you looked broken and torn apart on the inside. I tried to explain myself then and there but you refused to listen, and after realizing that I had broken your trust, i swore that i was never going to explain myself…until now i guess…” he trailed of his eyes full of regret.

I couldn’t believe what i had just heard and I was at a loss for words.I didn’t know what to say so i just smashed my lips onto his, hoping that he would understand what i was trying to convey. I didn’t want any more explanation and wanted to tell him that I believed him with all my heart.

I had broken his heart way before he broke mine.

“I ruined everything” I whisper against his lips, slowly pulling away.

I burst into tears, my heart becoming overwhelmed with emotions, and Jake pulled me in for another hug.

“You didn’t ruin anything Y/N…not if you want it to go back to the way it was” he said with a smile, leaving me shocked.

He was willing to give us another chance??

“You are willing to give us another chance? After i basically ruined everything? I asked in disbelief, my mouth gaping open.

Jake didn’t respond but just instead smirked, pulling me closer to himself until our faces were just inches away.

“May I?” He asked, his hot breath fanning against my face

I nodded slowly, as his lips came into contact with mine once again, moving slowly against them

His sweet lips found a rhythm with mine, making me feel that warm feeling in my stomach and my chest, neither of us wanting to let go of the other.

I didn’t realize how much I had missed this feeling, i missed his soft, pink lips against mine, i missed how he made me feel as if i was on cloud nine, as if i was the most beautiful thing to exist, and he did all that just by kissing me.

I missed how it felt to have his strong, muscular arms tightly wrapped around my waist and pulling me closer to deepen the kiss, his tongue fighting for dominance with mine, and as always winning.

I missed him biting my lips when we had finally run out of oxygen. I had missed everything, all of him, his touch, his lips, his gaze. Everything about him held a very big place in my heart and my life.

“Let’s give us another chance” he said, pulling away and leaning his forehead on mine, giving me a wide smile that i had missed and longed to see for so long.

“This time with more trust and love” I responded, pulling him in for yet another kiss, feeling his wide smile against my lips.

THE END~

I hope you enjoyed <3

(Sorry of there’s any spelling or grammar mistakes)

[ramshacklefey]

Friend group red flags exist, and we should talk about them.

This has come up for me recently because one of my house-mates (bless her heart), has been coming to talk to me every couple weeks about some new drama in her online social circles. She's probably been through five different sets of online friends in the last year (and more irl friends before she stopped interacting with people entirely), and she's got this idea in her head that this is all just an inevitability.

I have restrained myself from pointing out to her that it sounds like she just needs to rethink what kinds of people she hangs out around, because I know it won't do any good. But it has made me think a lot about stuff I've figured out through long hard experience, about how to find healthy social groups, and I want to share.

So, here are some things that you might want to think about before you enmesh yourself too deeply in a particular friend group:

Is this group of people totally centered around one person (or much smaller group of people)? Does that person seem to have a ridiculous amount of influence over everyone else in the friend group? While it's true that many social groups have someone who is very much a leader within the group, that shouldn't look like one person wielding power over everyone else. A healthy leader figure within friends is someone who others respect for their good qualities. They give advice rather than issuing edicts. They sow harmony between people rather than stoking conflicts.

Do the people in this group talk incessantly about problems within the group? Sure, they may just be going through a rough patch, but even if that's the case, a healthy social circle will be thinking and talking about other things. If two people in a group are fighting or breaking up, the rest of the group won't be taking sides or constantly gossiping about it like it's the biggest political drama of the century. They'll leave it to those two people to sort their shit out, and won't unload it in front of someone new to the group.

Does there seem to be a list of people that this group has previously kicked out? Sometimes it just comes down to it and someone has to be gently exiled from a particular social circle. But if there's a list a mile long, it suggests that this group has some kind of overly authoritarian unwritten code for who's "allowed" to be in their group. Getting involved in a group like that means you'll constantly be walking on eggshells to avoid being exiled yourself.

How do they treat new people? A healthy group will be curious and friendly toward newcomers, but they won't immediately draw you into their deepest confidence.

Do the people in the group in general seem happy and content with themselves? Strong, healthy social bonds between people will make us stronger and happier. Even a group of people with significant trauma backgrounds can be stronger together. Unfortunately, if people have not healed themselves and continue to rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms, they often form groups of dysfunctional, unhappy people. Joking about trauma and difficulty are part and parcel of a lot of younger people's lives these days, but take a moment to look at what behaviors this group actually encourages. An obvious example might be that they all handle their stress by binge drinking. A less obvious one might be that they are hostile towards the idea that they have any agency in their lives and could, in fact, take actions to make themselves happier.

How do they respond to people with different views and values than their own? A healthy group accepts and values the fact that not everyone is going to agree with them morally, politically, or philosophically. As long as no one is being deliberately nasty or bigoted, and everyone is genuinely trying to treat each other with dignity and respect, people aren't being ostracized or hated on for not sticking to a particular dogma. People aren't being dunked on or told off for having different views on an issue.

How do they handle conflict? People don't always get along, and it's actually fine for a group to have some people who straight up dislike each other. A healthy group can absorb those things, and the people who don't get along will act civilly towards each other. Being civil and friendly towards someone you personally dislike is not "being fake." It's acting like a normal, healthy adult.

Do they try to tell you who you should and should not be interacting with outside the group? Someone you barely know sidling up to you to inform you that so-and-so has done or said such-and-such so you shouldn't ever interact with them is a big warning sign. Even if someone was cut off from the group for genuinely bad behavior, it's not their job to police who else is allowed to interact with that person.

Do they try to tell you what you should and should not be saying on social media? Do they try to tell you what you should and should not be reading/watching etc? Related to how they deal with people with different viewpoints, however this hits a deeper level. You always have the right to enjoy things and talk about things, even if your friends don't. Similarly, you have no obligation to join in a particular topic on social media!

Who isn't in the group, and how do they talk about or treat those people? This is easy to see if they're, say, openly racist or homophobic, but also. If it's a group of mostly women, are they constantly hating on men? If it's a group of mostly queer people, are they openly hostile towards anyone who isn't queer, or isn't queer in the right way?

A health social group has lots of different people in it. Those people have varying views and backgrounds. They treat each other with love and respect, and the group is resilient when there's conflict rather than dissolving into warring factions.

I know it's hard, especially when you're young and marginalized. You might feel like if you don't hang out with these people, you won't have any friends at all. But I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you're better off alone than stuck in a group that's actively making your life worse.

[yzafre]

I am sorry I have no clue what the Gibbs slap is but whatever that’s not really what I am here to ask about. You talked quite bit about Mikey Donnie and Leo. So I am curious what is your opinion on Raph? /gen question

Oh, man, comments that make you realize you're aging. So the specific post I was talking about was this one, and the Gibb's slap... I'm referencing a(n extremely) recurring gag in NCIS. Probably has a better name, but this is how it was referred to in my social circles growing up.

Now obviously NCIS didn't invent the idea of slapping someone upside the head, but I have a suspicion that it widely popularized it, given how popular I remember NCIS being through the 2000s.

As for Raph: this is re: my post on 2003, I'm guessing?

So, a thought that I'd had and forgot to add to my big post is how. Okay so there's a common fandom vibe that Raph is extremely hot tempered and constantly fighting with Leo, and that's.

Okay so he does have a temper, but as things go one he's more grumpy and impatient? Made more obvious that when everyone gets flattened in S6 the grumpiness is his main thing - "I hate the future grump grump", ect

And while he does argue with Leo, the only time it was really explosive was the City at War arc, which was..... a pressure cooker, and also the best showing of why Raph makes such a good Lancer for Leo in this series.

Leo has a lot of.... Noble idealism? Which is nice in theory but gets him in trouble sometimes - see city at war, and I also mentioned in the "thoughts" post I thought it contributed to his breakdown arc.

Raph, on the other hand, is immensely practical and has an insular, "just our little world" protectiveness (sort of, put a pin in this).

Neither of these things are good in isolation, but they balance each other out! And Raph really does care! See: him still following Leo everywhere even as he yells at him thought city at war.

This attitude is also what makes episodes like Lone Raph and Cub or the one with the old woman so interesting! Because his "others aren't my problem" thing only really holds up as long as the "other" remains faceless. Once there's an identity attached to it, his empathy kicks in, which prompts him to act where idealism wouldn't.

Also! Raph has a strong understanding of handling a working through negative emotions - from his own experience - and also has the presence of mind to apply that understanding to other people (mostly Leo, admittedly).

Another of my favorite Raph moments was... Both the S1 farmhouse episodes? The one where he helps Leo make the swords is a showing of the above about handling negative emotions. The "waking Leo from a coma" episode, on the other hand, highlighted his internal conflict between how deeply he feels things, and his (un)willingness to admit to or show it. Great stuff.

As for the... A couple tags on the "thoughts" post have described it as "meanness" related to my comments on the writing changing in the later seasons - even if I don't really like it, I also don't tend to hold it against the character, since I understand (and experienced, and participated in!) the cultural context that writing came from. Especially when there's obvious affection showed in the same seasons - as much as S6 was a mixed bag, I consistently enjoyed its depictions of them roughhousing and playing around.

While I personally connect to him less than the other characters, I do like Raph and his writing, flaws included (...when the writing is good).

Thanks for the ask!

[boogiewrites]

Seeing Stars Pt. 20

Star pulls away from Eddie and everyone notices what poor shape she's in. It only escalates when Star receives news that devastates her. The heightened emotions and opposing views of the situation lead Eddie to feel hopeful while Star is as low as she's ever been. This leads to a conversation that neither was ready to truly have.

CW: (I'm sorry.) Discussions of former abuse, gaslighting, etc. Poor self-image inner monologue. Verbal argument with yelling.

Part 1 if you missed it!

Star had managed to put some space between her and Eddie. The cost of the self-imposed whipping of sorts caused her to be constantly exhausted. She picked up more shifts or worked longer hours. She studied and hung out with Robin and Steve. She spent one night a week with Eddie, down from almost every night they’d slowly worked up to.

She hated herself, she was depressed and it showed. Everyone around her saw it and she brushed it off. The circles under her eyes and poor posture were dead giveaways. She never did her hair or makeup and wore all dark colors despite spring being on the horizon. Eddie had noticed of course but was giving her space. Ever since Valentine's Day, she’d been distant. He suspected she might’ve remembered what happened after she was no longer puking her guts out. But she never said anything. He never asked. They kept their movie nights, she’d fall asleep on him on the couch and he’d carry her to bed. It was the only night they both slept well anymore.

Star had broken herself. She’d mixed up sugar and salt and ruined an entire batch of dough at work. Her boss told her to go home. Even they saw how tired and frazzled she was and looked at her with pity.

She went to Family Video before going home.

“Muppets again?” Robin asked.

“It’s my comfort movie,” Star mumbled.

“How much comfort are you needing? I thought you rented it a lot before but the past month you’ve gotten it once a week.” Steve interjected.

“I need a lot.” was her dead-eyed response.

“You okay?” Robin asked with a wince.

“No, not really. Not in a kill-myself way though. More in the never-ending emotional and spiritual crisis so I have to constantly distract myself so I don't have a thought or I’ll cry so much I’ll throw up.” She said it so casually, leaning on the countertop.

“Jesus Star,” Steve whispered.

“I’m being honest.” She shrugged.

“Aren’t you already seeing a shrink?” Steve said tilting his head.

“Yep. They’re tired of my shit.” She laughed and rubbed her face. “I’m tired of my shit. Everyone is. So I’m better off alone. Which is why I’m going home after getting booted from work for being a dumb ass and watching my stupid little movie with its stupid little puppets.”

“You got fired?” Steve moved up the edge of the counter.

“No, no. I messed up a big batch of dough because I’m too tired to focus and they asked me to go home. Said they could tell I was tired. It was fine. I think.”

“I don’t think you’re fine.”

“I’m baseline.”

“You sound crazy.”

“I mean I’m not anything I’m not okay or good or fine I’m just-“ she held her hands out. “Here.”

“Did Eddie give you something too strong I will kick his ass if he did?” Steve whispered.

“No this is just me depressed. Leave Eddie out of it.” She muttered and both her friends knew exactly what the problem was.

“Did he do something?”

“No. He’s great. I’m the asshole.” She said with no hint of joking.

“Ohhh.” They both nodded in unison.

“Did you fuck it up?” Robin asked with a wrinkled nose. Star did always appreciate Robin's forward nature.

“I don’t think so no. I’m just.” She let out a sigh. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m having a lot of feelings that I’m not equipped to deal with yet.”

“Uh-huh.” Steve had a knowing grin. “I knew it would happen eventually.”

“Shut up.” Star snatched her bag off the counter.

“Somebody’s in love.”

“Somebody’s making me wonder if I could get out of a murder charge.” She glared.

“So what? You fell in love with Eddie. Go for it, you’re both stupid for each other. Just let the guy in.” He insisted.

“I think she’s trying and can’t,” Robin cut into Steve’s light-hearted advice. “That’s what ‘a lot of feelings I’m not equipped to deal with’ means right?”

“I don’t like that you two are secret geniuses that can read me like this.” She whispered leaning over with a finger on the counter.

“We aren’t geniuses, dingus.” Robin smiled.

“Yeah, we’re just your friends. Friends notice this stuff.” Star blinked for a moment and in her fragile state, the words made her heart feel the weight of them. They saw her bottom lip pout out and quiver.

“Oh god, what?” Robin panicked and pushed away.

“You are my friends.” She said as tears rose and fell fast.

“Oh geez,” Steve mumbled and hopped over the counter. “You know we’re your friends you… big crybaby.” He hugged her.

“Not helping.” Robin shook her head.

“She’s exhausted, she’s worked herself up in her head about her feelings and she’s run away from them until they’ve caught up to her.” He pats her back. “I’ve been there. Go smoke and sleep. Get a full night's rest. Drink some water. Eat. You’ll feel better.”

“I need an exorcism,” Star said from his chest and it made them all smile.

“If you go home and rest and tomorrow you still feel like you need an exorcist I’ll get you one. Deal?”

“A young priest and an old priest.” Robin chuckled.

“Fine.” She grumbled. “Deal.”

-

Star knew to an extent Steve was right. She went home, downed the tallest glass she had of water, then ate leftovers. She smoked, had some tea, and a sleeping pill, and the next thing she knew it was 12 hours later.

So Steve was right. So what?

She did feel better. Not great but at least she wasn’t falling apart at the seams. She wasn’t filled with jitters and doom. She could think about Eddie without wanting to cry which was a great start. She lazed, deservedly so. She flipped through her neglected journal, the air thick with gray from tea, incense, and weed. She landed on the last pencil drawing of Eddie she’d done. She traced her fingers over his goofy expression. She loved how expressive his face was. She loved the smile lines and dimples, the crow's feet that appeared when he smiled big or laughed. She sat back in a nest of pillows and sighed. Being in love felt amazing. She loved how warm and fuzzy she felt when she thought about him or was near him.

She’d never felt a positive emotion so intense before. She didn’t know she could. The thought of losing it froze her with fear. She imagined being with him and it made her feel selfish. Would she put her life on pause for his? Could she put someone’s needs before her own? Could she take care of him like she thought he deserved? She was in a common predicament of being so afraid of losing something that she never tried to have it in the first place. That fear of failure, of disappointment, of her showing him her truth and him telling her one day it’s not good enough. He'd wisen up and see she wasn’t a good person, that she wasn’t good enough for him. The idea that she’d try and fail threatened her. Because then her ex would be right. Then what else was he right about if he was right about that?

She felt like a fraud waiting to be found out. Like the person she’d become while in Hawkins wasn’t truly her. She was fooling everyone. Somehow she’d gotten so good at pretending to not be a selfish immature whore that she’d convinced herself of it too. The big feelings came back. She took some deep breaths and a deep drag. A knock on her door startled her out of her hazy nest. She stared at the door in silence like it might tell her something. She didn’t move, only sat up crossed-legged.

“Hey? Star?” She’d know the voice anywhere. She hadn’t expected him, she thought he had band practice today.

“Eddie?” She asked as if she didn’t know. “You can come in.” She quickly followed up. He looked in carefully at first as if he expected something unpleasant. But she was there with still damp hair in a robe in a nest of pillows. “Don’t you have band practice?”

“Gareth sprained his wrist and Jeff dislocated his finger this week trying to reenact a match from Wrestlemania.” He shook his head. “So they’re out of commission.”

“That’ll do it.” She mused with pressed lips.

“I thought I might come to see you instead.” He fully walked into the trailer, not making the move to get comfortable just yet.

“Yeah, that’s fine. I wasn’t doing much.” She closed her journal and sat it to the side.

“How are you feeling?” He asked taking off his coat. Star squinted his eyes at him. He looked back at her while rubbing the back of his neck. A sign of nervousness.

“Why?”

“You just seemed like you’ve not been doing that great lately?” He half shrugged and tentatively approached her.

“Did Steve-?”

“Yeah, Steve called me.” He admitted with a huff.

“And what did Steve say?” She inquired leaning with her elbows to her knees.

“That you came to see him at the store and you were acting out of it and looked like shit and almost got fired.” He chuckled because he assumed Steve was being a touch dramatic. He did like to weave a big story.

“Good to have honest friends.” She sighed.

“What happened?”

“I ran myself ragged running from my problems and I hit a wall. I mixed sugar and salt up and ruined the dough. Boss sent me home and told me to rest. I think it’s fine. I was just running on empty.”

“You seem… okay? Better now?”

“I slept for 12 hours.” She smacked her lips together.

“That will help almost anything. You don’t have the dark circles as bad anymore.”

“They were that bad huh?”

“Steve might’ve called me to come to check on you but you have been… different the past month or so. I feel like I barely see you and you’re always working.”

“That’d be because I have been.”

“Are you okay?” Genuine interest as he put his hand on her knee.

“No and yes. I’m just an idiot.” She laughed at herself. “I used to do hard drugs and go out and sleep with strangers to run from my problems before and I don’t do that anymore so I don’t know how to deal with myself. So I’m overwhelmed and my brain won’t shut the hell up. Like ever. And I’m anxious and depressed and I feel like my therapist hates me right now.”

“That’s… a lot.” He didn’t know how to respond. “I mean it’s good you’re not-hard drugs? Wait what?”

“Yeah. I did coke when things got really bad.” She admitted with an apologetic baring of her teeth. “There were a few months where I went a little off the rails.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah, it was shit. Bullshit.” She clarified with a nod. “Just plants for me now.” She handed him the bowl next to her bed and he took a hit.

“Well, I’m glad you stopped. And you’re just a lazy stoner now.”

“Me too.” They shared a sympathetic smile for a moment.

“Is there anything I can help you with? I mean you sound like you’ve got a lot going on. You can talk to me about anything. You know that right?”

“I know.” She looked away and it made his curiosity grow. “I don’t want to talk about it. I think about it constantly I’d like to take the thoughts out of my head, not working them over more.” She put her fingers to her temples.

“If you need to- want to talk I mean. I'm here. You can.” He reassured her.

“Thanks.” She met his eyes again. “You’re very sweet.”

“Don’t tell anyone.” He whispered and it made her smile. “I feel like a shitty friend. I wanna help but I don’t know what to do.”

“Nothing you can do, hun. Unless you can turn my brain off.”

“That sounds like a weird way of saying kill someone.” He blurted out the intrusive thought.

“It does. Creative.” She chuckled, relieved she could still smile and laugh. Of course, he’d be the one that could force it out of her.

“Well, what do you mean turn it off?”

“I want my racing thoughts to stop. I don’t wanna be so focused on my bullshit that upsets me. I’ve not taken care of myself properly. I’ve not cooked or cleaned or even… taken care of myself.” She admitted with slumped shoulders. “Hell. In any sense of the word.” She rolled her eyes. Eddie chewed his lip, eyes in unintentional puppy mode as he thought about how to help.

“Turn your brain off…” he muttered. “Distraction. Right?”

“Movies don’t work. I’ve tried. Not even the muppets can save me.”

“Okay, so no movies.” He chuckled and tried again. “I’m assuming smoking…?”

“Helps sometimes but then sometimes it makes me focus on it too much.” He frowned but not at her, he was feeling useless. “I don’t mean to shoot your ideas down I’ve just already tried them. I need like- Clockwork Orange tied down and eyes pried open level shit.” She laughed. Eddie’s head perked up.

“We can do that.” He said as if it were a normal Response.

“I wasn’t serious, dude.”

“I’m not gonna pry your eyes open but I can certainly tie you down.” The tone shift in his voice was ever so subtle.

“Are you talking about what I think you are?”

“Depends on what you’re thinking?”

“It always turns to sex with us doesn’t it?” She sighed and didn’t know how she felt about the statement.

“You have to admit it’s a hell of a distraction.” He offered in confidence.

“I’ve not been able to get my mind in the right headspace for it.”

“I like to think I know how to help with that.” he shrugged, sensing her hesitation.

“You do. But my mind’s not in it right now.” she shook her head, and he could see the remnants of circles still under her eyes as she looked away at nothing in particular.

“Sex doesn’t work as a distraction like it used to?”

“I slept with strangers. It didn’t mean anything back then.” she paused, her voice quiet. “So, no.” a sigh followed. Eddie’s chin pushed back into his neck, a giveaway he was uncertain and his mind was processing. Eddie was afraid of the picture he was piecing together in his head of what was wrong. He was slowly convincing himself that it was what he’d been preoccupied with as well. Except he wasn’t hesitant at all. He was ready. More than willing to talk about it. But he could practically feel the wall she’d built around herself again, the same as she’d had when he met her.

“Then how about-” he started with gumption and no idea who he’d finish, hoping something miraculous would come to him as he spoke. But it didn’t. He frowned, slumping back and putting his hands in his lap.

“I know,” she said with the same sadness. “I’m not trying to be a dick. I’m still trying to be honest. Right now that means that nothing can help me but myself.”

“Do you want me to leave?” the tone made Star’s chest ache for him. She finally met his eyes, finding them just as heartbreaking. She wanted him around, desperately. He wasn’t the problem. She was. And she saw she was dismissing him and his enthusiasm just like every other asshole had. So she reached out to take his hand, he looked at it and felt relieved.

“No.” she shook her head confidently. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should just try a movie. I haven’t today. Since I slept maybe it’d be a good time to try again.”

“You have something here you wanna watch?” he perked up, still hesitant but sliding his fingers between hers.

“How about you pick?”

“You sure?”

“Surprise me.”

So they settled in her bed, Eddie behind and her by his side. He only let his arm fall over her side, sometimes he’d hold her hand, lacing fingers together or mindless tracing along her skin. He was gentle and present. That’s what she needed. She silently cried, hiding away from his eyes a few times watching his ringed, larger hands caress her own. She saw how perfectly they laced together. How despite the callouses she found the scratch comforting. Because it was distinctly Eddie. It was getting late, they’d popped in movie after movie. Star was fading fast, worn out from emotion.

“I need to be home when Wayne gets back tonight. Is that okay? Do you need me to stay?”

“It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?” he asked, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

“Promise.” she gave him a tired, soft smile.

“You need me to take you to school?”

“No, I’m good. Morning drives alone help me clear my head.”

“If you change your mind, call me. I don’t mind.” She smiled up at him like he was her world at that moment. Because he was. He saw the love in her eyes, he felt it in his bones.

“I know,” she whispered and touched his cheek. “I will if I need to. Don’t worry about me.”

“Impossible.” a pure affectionate peck to the lips was laid down on her before he moved to leave. They said goodnight without much fuss. He left her cozy in bed, hoping she’d seem better tomorrow at school.

Star took her cards from her bedside table. She was filled with dread. She figured she’d get insulted again. But she figured it was what she deserved.

“What am I gonna do about him?” she asked.

Death reversed was their answer.

She needed to change. That was clear. She sighed, accepting their take on things. She knew she needed to change, if only she didn’t feel so hopeless about her ability to.

-

Star had just pulled herself from bed. Her morning tea wasn’t even ready when Robbie knocked on her door.

“It’s me.” a greeting to distinguish him from Eddie. He didn’t want to be greeted by his sister naked or some other horror that would be burnt into his retinas.

“C’mon.” he heard from inside. He lugged his large body into the trailer, seeing her hair still a mess from sleep. She was barely awake.

“I’ve got bad news,” he stated flatly. He didn’t know how else to start this conversation. Star’s eyes moved the piece of paper in his hand. “I’m not good at this shit,” he mumbled, holding it up and looking at it.

“What is it?” she turned the stove burner off, her eyes already large and full of fear.

“Uh…” he took a deep breath and rubbed the back of his neck. “Pretty much the worst news you could get apart from someone you care about dying.” his face was apologetic, hard, and indifferent trying to prepare himself for what was about to happen. “You want me to read it or do you want to?” She held out her hand and took the paper, it shook as she turned it toward herself. He watched her face fall and it broke his heart to see it. The color drained from it visibility. She wobbled and let herself knock against the counter for support. The paper made an audible sound as it shook in her hand.

“Already?” her voice broke, it was small and terrified.

“Good behavior it says.” he elaborated, poised to catch her if she fell.

“It’s too soon,” she whispered, tears hot and silently falling. She said it only to force it into existence, the truth of it. She knew there would be no answers from Robbie.

“Read to the end,” he said stepping closer. She did so and felt a hiccup caught in her chest. She put the paper down, her eyes red and streaming, but her face remained untelling. She was in shock. “You can go and speak against it. He might not be granted it. It’s not a for sure thing.” he tried to help, he really did. But there was no help for something like this. All there was was to feel it.

“I have to go tell more fucking strangers about what he did to me?” Her face broke, the facade falling away as her lips trembled and her hands started to tremor. “I have to talk about it. Out loud to a row of fucking suits who don’t give a shit. A row of MEN. And tell them how the man that’s right in front of them... in front of ME -oh god I’ll have to see him. Fuck, he’ll see ME.” sobs took her over as she collapsed against the comfort of her older brother. He’d held her every time she’d cried about her ex up to this point. At least when it came to dealing with the legal aspect of it. Robbie wasn’t an emotional guy. He was no match for dealing with a baby sister with a broken heart, let alone a baby sister who had fought so hard and relieved so much horror to get the guy that did it put away. And now they’re saying they might let him out. For good behavior. Robbie shook his head, as angry as Star was hurt. There was no simple answer to this. This was going to be messy and terrible no matter how it ended.

-

Eddie felt shitty all morning. He hadn’t seen Star before class and he couldn’t see her car in the parking lot. He felt uneasy about it. She said she’d be there. A snap in front of his face drew him out of his low-browed concern.

“Dude. Hello?” Gareth waved exaggeratedly in his face next to him at the lunch table.

“Sorry,” he muttered, shaking his head.

“What’s up with you?” Dustin asked boldly. Eddie blinked, pausing before deciding how to answer that.

“You all would give me shit for it if I told you.” everyone was concerned now, seeing his face solemn and serious.

“All the more reason to tell us.” Mike grinned wide.

“Star’s not here. And she said she’d be here. I saw her last night and she seemed…okay enough. I can’t shake the feeling something’s wrong.”

“She’s been weird as hell lately, man. I’m sure it’s fine.” Gareth waves his hand to dismiss the worry.

“You think something’s wrong?” Dustin asked more seriously, zeroing in on Eddie.

“I don’t know how to explain it. And don’t fucking make fun of me for saying this but she and I have this… connection and we know when the other is not okay.”

“Awww.” Jeff teased. “Cute.”

“And you’re feeling that now?” Dustin ignored the light-hearted teasing, and so did Eddie.

“Yeah.” a quit nod, chewing the inside of his cheek.

“Then go?” Dustin stated obviously.

“Yeah?” Eddie perked up a bit a the support.

“Listen I don’t know what the hell I believe, but if she can find you when you’re getting beat up. I don’t think you knowing when something is wrong is that crazy.” he threw his hands up in exasperation for not knowing the answer to something.

“You’re right,” Eddie said immediately jumping into action. “I got sick if anyone asks. Not that anyone gives a shit.” he shrugged and shook his head, already walking away.

-

Eddie pulled up, a bit recklessly as the sight of Robbie on the stoop smoking wasn’t giving him any reason to feel relief.

“What happened?”

Robbie looked confused, his head turning at the wild-looking young man.

“Did she call you?” he asked.

“No. I just… she wasn’t at school and I felt something was wrong.” he shrugged, and Robbie saw in his face was just as lost as he was about that statement.

“She’s in the trailer. I don’t know if you wanna see her like this.”

“Robbie,” he stated, now mere steps away from the dauntingly sized man. “I’m in love with your sister. I want to see her no matter what’s going on,” he said with such conviction, fully with his chest that Robbie sat up straight at the effect the words had. Robbie nodded, taking another drag and his time. Proud of Eddie for saying it out loud. He hope he was right about it.

“It’s bad.” Robbie solemnly said with a nod, looking away.

“Did someone die?” Eddie was frazzled, his shoulders tense and up near his ears.

“You’ll need to calm down and gather yourself before you go in there. She’s a mess so you’ll need to be the strong one.”

“Who died?”

“No one. Unfortunately.” The hate for Bobby was clear in his voice.

“Oh no,” Eddie whispered, getting a feeling from his tone.

“Yeah. Him again.” Robbie was as mad as Eddie had ever seen him. Robbie was subtle, always. But a clear clench of jaw gave enough away. “We got a letter saying he was up for parole.”

“You’re fucking kidding me.” Eddie put his hand over his mouth in shock, his voice a rasp, rhetorical.

“For good behavior.” Robbie let out a rather chaotic laugh. A break in his calm exterior. “Imagine that.” he rolled his eyes and threw his head back.

“Will he come after her? Does he know where she is? Do we-?” a million questions, and all right pass through Eddie’s head as quickly as they fall out of his mouth. Robbie held up his hand to stop him.

“She can talk to the board at the hearing and tell them why he shouldn’t be released.”

“Shit.” he bent over, his hands on his knees. “This just keeps getting better.” he hung his head and let out a guttural groan of frustration.

“That’s what I thought too.” Robbie was flat again, eyes staring into the far treeline.

“Fuck she’s got to be…” he stood facing the trailer, hands to his cheeks.

“A train wreck,” Robbie said flatly, looking down at the cracked cement beneath him.

“I already couldn’t help her. She was already feeling bad. I don’t…” he shrugged, his arms slapping against his sides sloppily. “What do I fuckin’ do, man?” he was raw and honest, his face showing his frustration as he looked to Robbie for help.

“All you can do is be there.” he shook his head. “We’re helpless. Useless right now.” he sucked his teeth. “I’ve been through this before. In a way.” he shrugged subtly. “You listen. You hold her. You tell her you’ll be there for it all. That she’s not alone. That you’ll do anything you can to help. Because she knows it’s all on her. Again.” he put his hands over his face, feeling the threat of tears in his eyes. “Shit,” he whispered. “She doesn’t deserve to go through this again.” his head shook but his hands remained. “Just when she was starting to get her shit together.” he groaned, a tiny release of the hot anger he felt inside.

“I’ll stay with her.” Eddies voice was calm and quiet, knowing he had to be the one to keep it together for both of them right now. They’d been through enough.

“Yeah, go on kid.” Robbie motioned his head toward the trailer. “If you’re gonna be with her…” he sighed and lowered his hands. “Then this is your role now.”

“I know.” Eddie was still quiet, eyes moving but not focused. “I’ve got this.” he hyped himself up, a small jump and shake before making his way to her door. He could hear her crying. He put his hand to the door, pausing and swallowing. He closed his eyes, a deep breath to center himself. He opened the door and she was up against the wood that held her bed in place. Her Legs stretched out in front of her, her shoulders slumped as she stared at nothing, totally disconnected from anything around her.

“Is it already 3?” she asked once she registered someone had walked into her space. She blinked at Eddie slowly, as if she was moving in slow motion.

“No, sweetheart.” he kneeled on the floor with her. “When you didn’t show up for school I knew something was wrong. I felt it. So I came here.”

“It’s bad, Eddie.” She whispered, her voice hoarse from crying. She paused, her eyes eventually swinging to his.

“I know.” He took her hand. “Robbie told me.” he offered an outstretched arm and she took the invitation. Too weak to say no to one of the few people who could bring her any comfort right now. She crawled into his chest and he thumped against the counters, letting his legs stretch out and making room to hold her.

“Everything?” She asked after she settled, her head against his shoulder.

“The letter. Parole. Good behavior. You having to tell them why he shouldn’t be granted it.”

“Yeah.” Her voice was small. The lack of outburst was more worrisome than if she’d been screaming. It was quiet, her eyes would move every so often, mostly a dead stare ahead, unfocused.

“I know asking if you’re okay is a stupid question but how are you? You’re… not acting how I expected.” He confessed into her hair.

“How am I supposed to act?” She genuinely didn’t know.

“I… don’t know.” He admitted quietly, voice trailing off.

“I think I’m broken.” Her voice lacked the exuberance he loved. It was monotone, flat, lifeless.

“You know that’s not true.”

“I mean I think I’ve felt all the feelings I can in my life and I can't feel anything anymore.”

“That’s shock.” He explained with pursed lips.

“I cried and screamed a lot earlier.”

“That makes sense.”

“Now it’s like I don’t feel anything. But I do. I feel so much I can’t feel it anymore.”

“You’re probably exhausted.” He put his hand on her forehead to check to see if she was warm.

“I am.” She finally moved. A deep breath as she let her head sag. “I don’t know how much I’m supposed to take. I went through all the legal stuff and now I have to tell strange men who are being fooled just like I was that he’s a good guy about all the shit he did. When is it enough?”

“The system is fucked.“ he grumbled. “You are unfortunately a member of an oppressed group who has been thrown into the shit show of the American legal system. I have no good answers. It fucking sucks.” She felt his anger, heat from his chest into her hand. It oddly comforted her. “I can say I’m sorry. But it doesn’t fix it or help. It just really fucking sucks. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. You’re not the only one. Any woman who’s ever been brave enough to stand against her abuser is fucking crucified for what feels like entertainment and asked to do it over and over again. It’s bullshit. They won’t just fucking listen to you and believe you even when you’re bleeding and screaming.” She felt him hum and vibrate with anger and vengeance. He saw her eyes widen at his words. “Sorry, I’m just… I’m really angry and trying not to be because that doesn’t help you.”

“I don’t think there is any helping me.”

“I want to. So bad. I wanna fix it. I want this to go away for you. You know that right ?” His eyes were a bit desperate and Star found sanctuary in them. He put his hand on her cheek, a tickling exhale on her face as he put his forehead to hers.

“So do I.” She whispered. “I don’t know what to do, Eddie.” His chest held a dull ache for her.

“I do.” He pulled away, then kissed her forehead. “You’re going to go to that meeting. You’re gonna tell them the truth. You’ve been having a rehearsal for this in therapy for over a year right? You’ve got this. You’re gonna tell them the truth and they’re not going to let him out. And you can put it behind you and live your life again.”

“It’s not that simple.” Her lashes fluttered, touched by his conviction.

“It can be. It could be. This could be the period at the end of the sentence that’s been your healing. You can purge it all. Start over.” He was very convincing.

“I’ve done it before and it didn’t fix it.”

“You’ve done it before so you KNOW you can do it.” He saw the wheels turning, her face finally moving into readable expressions.

“I didn’t think about it like that.”

“You’re even better equipped this time. You’ve been able to have therapy about it. You did your first draft, right? The first time? You’ve edited now, with therapy. And now you have a better version this time.”

“I… guess so.” Her brow creased.

“I do.” He held her chin up before she could cower. “I know you can.”

“You do?”

“Bet my life on it.” He insisted with a push forward of his face. “I know you Star. You can do anything. You can do this.”

“I can?”

“You can.” He put his forehead to hers again in an affectionate touch. “I believe in you. You’ve gotta believe in yourself.”

“I need them to believe me.”

“They will.”

“You don’t know that.” He put his fingers to her lips.

“Someone very powerful once told me you don’t say what you’re afraid of out loud. You don’t give it power. You say what you want to happen out loud and it will. So I’m doing that. They’ll believe you and you’ll feel better for having done it. And it’ll help you move past it. And he’ll be put away for a long time again and you’ll be free.” He took one of her hands into his, pulling it to his chest.

“They’ll believe me.” She said softly, looking away. “He won’t get out.” He saw the lump in her throat bob. “It’s so scary up there alone.” Her eyes turned quickly to his, still scared.

“You won’t be alone. I’ll come with you. You won’t have to take the stand like before. It’s not as formal. I can be there with you. You want me there with you?”

“Would you?” He saw the hope flicker in her eyes.

“Of course, I would baby. Are you kidding?” His voice cracked with disbelief. “I might only be good for bad jokes to break the tension and a hand to hold but I'll be the best damn hand you’ve ever held.” Their smiles grew together, foreheads slowly meeting again as she let out a tiny sniffle.

“I’d like that.” She nodded, a shakey inhale as he mirrored her subtle enthusiasm.

“Yeah?” She felt a roll of her stomach in the way his eyes lit up for her.

“Yeah.” She gave him a closed mouth sad smile. But it was miles from where he expected her to be right now. “I need you with me.” She confessed with downturned eyes.

“Then I’ll be there.” He promised with a kiss to her cheek before pulling her into his chest and holding her tight. She felt relief at first, a weight lifted off her shoulders. Then, reality set in. She still had to do this.

She had a few weeks. She’d been aloof, in a different way than before. One that Eddie now understood. Star spent her time writing in a new journal. Purging everything bad memory she could think of of her nightmare relationship. She divulged this to Eddie, so he understood her not-so-chipper mood. She asked for space instead of being passive-aggressive about it. There was a weight of honesty to the situation now. But Star couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed.

She was sad, tired, and feeling embarrassed. Every bad thing he did that she added to the pages made her remember the things he’d drilled into her head. She saw how he’d manipulated her over time. She was faced with what he’d turned her into. A shadow of herself. She was different now. And she wasn’t entirely convinced it was a good difference. Her dreams were filled with Bobby. Hearing the things she still struggled to not believe about herself. She found herself finding proof of his words in her behavior. She saw her need for Eddie as selfish. Wondering if she was using him. She felt like a fraud waiting to be found out as she deep-dived into her trauma. She remembered who she was and the bad decisions she made. The names she’d called herself at her lowest felt like name badges she still wore but only covered with a bright sweater of bull shit she pretended to be now. She was still the sad scared little girl. She wasn’t a survivor she was a victim and always would be. She was fooling herself and everyone around her. Star was drowning in a pool of her own making.

Eddie was feeling hopeful. A light at the end of the tunnel is how he was looking at it. She would be able to put it behind her as she wrote in her journal and moved all those bad memories out of her head and onto paper. Love blinded him to the state Star was in. He thought of her as being in a cocoon stage. And she’d break out dramatically and be ready to start a new life. With him. To be so jaded, the follies of youth were heavy upon Eddie. He was in love. His rose-colored glasses made him not see just how deeply brainwashed and traumatized the object of his affections had been. This wasn’t a case of an ordinary drunk, violent abuser. Bruises were easier to heal than unseen damage. Star had been the victim of a groomer and a narcissist. Eddie didn’t know the depth of which this man tore Star down. But he would soon.

-

Steve’s lips were pressed together tightly. Too distracted to pretend to watch the movie. He clicked the large television off, a snap and buzz that snapped the guy next to him out of his disassociated stare.

Eddie’s eyes fluttered, dry from not blinking as he’d been entirely in his head. He turned to Steve with large eyes, looking across the couch they sat on together.

“What?” Was how he chose to ask why Steve randomly shut down the movie.

“Your leg hasn’t stopped bouncing this entire movie.” He stated with a snap, an exasperated arm out with the remote still in his hand towards Eddie's bare knee in his ripped denim. “And I’m pretty sure you’re gonna get my ass kicked when you get blood on my couch from picking your damn nails!” He crossed his arms in a huff.

“Shit,” Eddie muttered, looking down and putting his hands fully into his lap. “Sorry, man. I do it without thinking.” He looked at the irritated perimeters of his nail beds.

“I think that your thinking is exactly what the problem is.” Eddie blinked slowly, before lowering his head, his eyes still on Steve’s disapproving face.

“You think?” Eddie sarcastically answered.

“Let me help you, man. I give great advice if anyone would just listen to me.” He exclaimed wearily. “What’s got you all worked up?”

“Star,” Eddie answered plainly. “What else is new?”

“Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Go on, Dr. Steve is in session now.”

“Dr. Steve?” Eddie snorted.

“Shut up and talk.” Steve snapped his fingers. Eddie laughed at the ironic choice of words. Steve was his funniest when he wasn’t trying.

“Fine.” Eddie groaned and slouched back into the couch. “She’s found herself being called back into enemy territory.”

“If you’re upset about D and D again man, I’m gonna lose it. You can’t STAY mad about a game that YOU made up!”

“Nah it’s real this.” Eddie frowned with tight lips. He began with their interaction from the other day before the big blow-up with parole.

“So I offer to help give her a distraction.” Eddie raised his brows and Steve knee what he meant. “But she said no.”

“Weird. Not like her to turn you down.”

“That’s what I thought too,” Eddie said with his hands out, now turned to face Steve who was also turned in his seat. “Then she said it was sex with strangers from before that she used to cope. But that it didn’t mean anything back then.”

“Meaning it does now?” Steve leaned forward excitedly.

“I’m so glad I wasn’t reading into that too much. I really thought I was.”

“No, you know her she’s either too honest or speaks in riddles like some bridge troll.” Eddie laughed at the comparison he could relate to. He went on to explain in a short way the parole situation with Star.

“That… sucks, man. Royally.”

“I told her I’d go with her. Of course.”

“Of course.” Steve nodded with enthusiastic support. “Good man.” He slapped Eddie’s arm. Eddie was a physical guy but the harsh masculine affection of Steve’s jock past still caught him off guard on occasion.

“And then she says she needs me with her.”

“Promising.” Steve tapped his chin.

“And that’s not even the biggest thing that’s happened.” Eddie’s face was a mix of exhausted and hopeful as he explained Valentine’s night.

“Holy shit.” Steve’s hands were on his cheeks, in disbelief and enrapture led with gossip and drama. He did miss this part of school. “And she’s not mentioned it?”

“Not a word.”

“She started acting weird right after?”

“Yep.” Eddie said with a pop.

“I would bet money she remembers. That’s why she’s been so distant.” He clapped his hands together as if he’d solved the case.

“She’s been so hot and cold. But she’s going through a lot.”

“True. She’s not exactly - and don’t take this the wrong way but - the most stable person I know.”

“It’s one of the things I think I like most about her.” He grinned. “When you’ve got someone that makes you feel like you’re not the crazy one all the time it’s nice. You get to take turns. Make each other feel more normal.”

“That’s… sweet?” Steve didn’t try to hide the effort it took to be nice about it. “It would keep things interesting.” He offered more genuinely. “Does that get tiring though?”

“Yeah. But… I love her man. What other choice do I have?” Steve gave a broad smile that was warm with nostalgia, looking down to feel good memories wash over him.

“That I can relate to.” He nodded, shoulders slumped and hands tapping together in thought. “I vote you tell her. But you know this.” Steve rolled his eyes.

“I do.” Eddie nodded. “I can’t help but feel hopeful about it. And that’s why I wonder if it’s all in my head. It seems too good to be true. All these things building up, this parole thing where she’s purging all these memories and she can let go once he’s locked away again. It leads right into us being together right? Or am I totally delusional? Which isn’t far-fetched.”

“No, I’m with you man. I think it’s all leading up to a point. You said she’s done all that work in therapy. This should be like… a final presentation!” He clapped his hands together as he found his example. “She’s done the school work, you do the big final test and you’re home free!” He exclaimed with his hands raised.

“That’s kinda how I felt about it too.” Eddie agreed earnestly. “She’s been studying. She’s doing so good. She’s feeling strong and capable and she’s got me and her brother there with her and she should be like… ready? Ya know.”

“It’s been… how long. It was a school year ago then she’s been here since… June? So…” Steve tapped his fingers subtly to count the months.

“A year and a half?” Eddie offered.

“That’s long enough with the therapy and moving away and stuff, right? You can get over someone after that long. Especially when you have someone else you’re in love with now. Right?”

“I hope so, man. Or else I’m gonna feel like the biggest idiot to ever live.”

“You already are.”

“Thanks.”

“You have nothing to lose.” Steve grinned. “That’s a good thing in this instance!”

“That isn’t as helpful as you think it is.”

“Sure it is.” Steve shrugged and chuckled. “Even if I didn’t know she loved you. And I do. I’d still think she loves you. I think you should go for it. Maybe she’d feel better having a boyfriend with her facing the old one ya know? Maybe some jealousy? Some girl power stuff yanno with- see? I can find someone else! I don’t need you!” His voice switched to a higher feminine tone and Edie snorted in amusement. “She’s into that whole feminism thing right?” The guy's heart was in the right place.

“It makes sense yeah.” Eddie hesitantly agreed. “Maybe feeling secure will help her.”

“Also that.” Steve nodded. “What more secure than being in a relationship with someone you’re in love with that’s also in love with you?”

“A jar of money buried in an unmarked spot in the yard?” Eddie wore a goofy grin.

“A what? You’re so weird sometimes man.” Steve shook his head.

“It means I agree.” Eddie lied to placate Steve. “It’s a poor people thing Steve don’t worry about it.” He pats the other guy's knee.

“Oh okay. What I said still stands.”

“As much as my cynical heart wants to tear apart all your reasons… I think you’re right.”

-

Star was acutely aware of how each day got her closer to the parole hearing. She was feeling especially raw and vulnerable. She didn’t know who was on her mind more as the days went along, Eddie or Bobby. She felt so deeply for Eddie, knowing he was there for her if she needed him. Knowing he believed in her. But Bobby kept her afraid. Afraid of losing Eddie, of losing herself. She was paralyzed, stuck somewhere between her past and a possible future.

She’d left the haunting journal at home. She got out of the house and drove, finding a little thrift shop and taking her mind off things. But Eddie found her in the oddest of ways. Flicking through a milk crate of worn records she finds one that looks like something Wayne might be into. She turned the single over, a smile on her face.

“Eddie.” She sighed. She stood, knowing the record was there for her to find.

She was home, the 45 spinning, set to repeat. The needle clicked and cracked every time it finished that side. She stood, leaning on the counter in deep thought, watching the hypnotic spin of the record, considering how to handle the polar opposite swirls of emotions in her head.

And as if on cue, her future walks through the door with a warm smile and the most beautiful brown eyes she’s ever seen.

“Hello, little hermit crab.” He smiled at her with a warmth that made her chest thaw.

“H-hey.” She switched the player to off in a clumsy snapped movement.

“You good?” A lifted brown questioned her but she nodded wordlessly.

“I mean…” she gave a little shrug. “Not the worst.”

“Not the worst is good!” He clapped his hands to her arms supportively and it made her crack a sweet smile. “Yeah?” She soaked in his enthusiasm and let it make her feel better.

“Yeah.” She gave him another soft smile.

“You’ve been huddled away for over a week, I figured I’d come do a wellness check. Make sure the cats weren’t eating your fingers and face.”

“They would.” He got a laugh out of her.

“You do taste pretty good. In their defense.” He got her cheeks to rise and eyes to shrink into happy half-moons.

“I’m doing okay given the circumstances. There’s a week left and I’m trying not to let it overwhelm me since I’ve already put so much into it. I might make a list. I think having something to keep me on track is a good idea.”

“Baby, as good of an idea as that is. I’m here to distract. Provide some relief. We’re not gonna think about that for a little while. Okay?”

“I could stand to spare a few hours.” She nodded and let out a tense exhale.

“There’s my girl.” He leaned down to kiss her cheek. “What have you been doing this week?” He said as he pulled her into his chest. “Besides the obvious. “ he let her settle against him, hand around his waist and cheek to his chest. Something simple and comforting. “I didn’t see your car around the other day. You go somewhere?”

“Yeah, I went on a drive to clear my head.”

“Weathers nice for it right now.” She felt him nod above her.

“Perfect for having the windows cracked and music loud.”

“Where’d you go?”

“I just drove.” She said in an exhale. “For hours.”

“One of those drives.” he nodded. “The thinkers.”

“I didn’t get back until almost dawn. But I felt better.”

“I noticed your car wasn’t around for a while but I didn’t wanna seem like a stalker saying your car was unaccounted for for 12 hours on the night of the 11th.” He gave a fake newscaster voice and she pulled away with a smile.

“It’s nice to have someone notice.” She gave an almost shrug. “It’s very sweet that you care enough to notice.”

“Can’t have you going and running off on me. Then who’d I annoy all the time?” He gave her a smile that crinkles his nose, looking down at her and leaning in closer.

“I’m not gonna run.” She shook her head l, hair and face soft. “You don’t have to worry about that.”

“You can run.” He said supportively. “You just have to come back.” He chuckled, his hands still on her waist. She melted for a weak moment, he saw her face soften and then shy from the emotion it was giving away so freely.

“I don’t wanna run away.” She looked away, out the window in the kitchen to the field.

“I don’t want you to either.” He leaned in and kissed her forehead. She shut her eyes and swallowed audibly. “Did you not find anything cool on your adventure? Usually, when someone runs away you have some cool stories when you get back. Tell me your hero's journey Star.” He shook his head, his chin high as he used his DM voice.

“I don’t think it’s running when you plan on coming back.” She grinned. “A few tiny gas ancient stations.”

“Oh, my favorite.”

“Dusty and creepy just how you like them.”

“I like a good carbon dating through layers of dust location.” He chuckled.

“I stopped at a few mom-and-pop stores but I didn’t have much money on me so I didn’t get much. Poor foresight on my behalf.”

“You take the money. Then you run. Did you not listen to Steve Miller?” He saw it, the flash of teeth and the bounce of her chest and shoulders. A real laugh.

“Don’t lecture me on Steve Miller Band lyrics, Eddie, I know them better than you do.” A playful spark existed as she hopped on her tiptoes in playful aggression.

“Fine, fine. What’d you get?”

“I found a cool bracelet and a quilt with star patterns on it and some old records.”

“Oh, records? Is that what this is? This new?” He turned and touched the record player, seeing the needle still on it.

“Yeah. One of them.” She held up a 33-sized record, some girls in the back of a car with very dated hairstyles looked back at him.

“The Chordettes?” He said allowed, mostly rhetorical.

“I saw this and it looked familiar and they’re the girls that did that Mr. Sandman song. You know, Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream bum bum bum bum…” she shyly sang.

“The malt shop music.” He chuckled.

“Yeah. It looked like something Wayne would like. Then I found a 45 by them too in the same bin.” She pointed to the record currently on the platform. “They’re from the fifties and this one has just one song on each side. The other side is a little too gospel sounding but this one…” she stopped and a curious smile came across her face. “This one is also on the 33. It was one of their top hits, turns out. They’re in my Billboard chart book.”

“Is it any good?” He asked looking at the worn label and seeing nothing discernible.

“It’s…” she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, and he tilted his head at her curiously. “When I saw this song on the record I knew I had to buy it.”

“Must be good then.” He switched the machine on and dropped the needle to the beginning. “You been listening to this a lot?” He asked innocently enough before the singing started. “The switch is set to repeat.” He saw Star's face go a bit pale, her lips parted but not speaking.

“Eddie my love.” The song sang as his eyes widened at hearing his name. “I love you so.” The women chirped at him.

“They’re saying-?”

“Eddie.” She nodded. “Yeah.” It was bashful and soft. She turned the back of the 33 in her hand toward him. “I saw your name and the song and I knew I had to show you.” The song continued to give away more than she meant.

“How I’ve wanted for you, you’ll never know. Please, Eddie, don’t make me wait too long.” The women sang.

Eddie's cheeks flushed but so did Star’s.

“You found this by chance? At some random store on a random drive?”

“Yeah.” She huffed out a happy sound. He chewed his lip as she still didn’t meet his gaze.

“Eddie please, write just one line. Tell me your love is, still only mine. Please, Eddie, don’t make me wait too long.” The women were mocking how Star felt. The song continued with more yearning than you could poke a stick at. Full of handfuls of Eddie my love, I love you so. Please Eddie don’t make me wait too long. They stood and listened, neither daring to make the next move.

“You finding this seems like a hell of a coincidence.” He said as the record crackled, the needle moving back to the beginning. The women started their taunting all over again.

“Could be.” She said lightly.

“You know you’re the one that says there are no coincidences. Only signs.” He repeated her words back to her.

“I do say that.” She answered tightly.

“Do you think it was a sign that you found this?” A bold question that sent Star's heartbeat racing.

“I mean…” she gulped, her face concentrated. “It depends on what sign I was asking for when I found it.” She offered with high brows or uncertainty. “Was I thinking of finding some music? Something for Wayne or you or… was it… something else?” Her voice unintentionally cracked with nervous strain.

“Something else?” His voice was fading in confidence.

“What I usually ask for is guidance.” A truthful answer. “I’ve needed that a lot lately.” She divulged. “I got out and drove to clear my head. I didn’t ask to be shown anything that day but… other days, you know, I ask for signs to help me figure things out.” Her chin jutted forward nervously as she spoke.

“And you found this.” He stated, watching the record turn. She only nodded. “This very… sweet song. With my name in it.”

“It is sweet.” She quietly agreed.

“Would it help give you any clarity on things you’re trying to figure out?” Another nod, small and fast full of anxiety, almost a spasm. “You’ve been asking for clarity about…me?” He sees her eyes grow large and freeze, her nostrils flaring.

“Yeah.” She stared at his chest, frozen in fear. Her voice barely came out with how tight her body was.

“And this song…?”

“Yeah.” She said louder, but still not at a normal talking volume. “It’s hard to ignore signs when they make it so… obvious.” Her eyes moved, wide to wide in thought. He lifted her chin and she still didn’t meet his eyes.

“You tried to ignore other signs?” She nodded and looked away ashamed.

“I didn't know what to do. I ignored it.”

“Until you couldn’t anymore.” She met his eyes then, she saw he knew what she meant.

“I tried. I can’t.” she sounded utterly defeated.

“You know… it’s funny.” He huffed out softly. “I tried for a while to ignore it too.”

“You did?” Her eyes fully widened and bore into him as he took the turn to not meet hers.

“But you went and made it impossible.” He spoke so gently, feeling her hands tremor against them. He ran his palms over her, taking one of her hands into his, the other hugging her to him. He stepped out and began to slow dance with her to the song.

“I’m…” she wanted to apologize. No one should be falling in love with her. By choice or force. “I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to.” She felt tears, full of confusion and fear start to build in her eyes. Her cheeks here pinked and hot.

“No, no, no, baby.” He shushed so sweetly, kissing her cheek. “Star.” She sighed and watched him look her over, eyes seeing the damp lashes and the shimmery moss of her eyes. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” He looked as vulnerable as he felt. She answered him with a small sob, shaking her head. “You are.” He kissed her cheek again, now wet and salty from a drop of tears.

“I’m not. I’m not even good. Let alone…” she gulped. “That.” she strained out.

“And who said that? Huh?” his chin raised, looking at her with a lecturing tone. “Bobby?” he almost snarled saying his name.

Star unexpectedly to him broke into a sob, lowering her head.

“You can’t let him keep running your life,” he said with conviction.

“I don’t want him to!” she cried. “I’m so sorry I don’t know how to stop it.” she shook her head, her hair hanging over her face in an attempt to hide.

“You can.” he says louder, holding her cheeks and not letting her escape. “You have. Look how far you’ve come.” he shook her cheeks in emphasis. “Looks how far WE’VE come.” his eyes were sad but his words were sharp. “You’re… practically with someone else. You’ve fallen in love with someone who’s even more in love with you.” he watched her screw her eyes shut as more tears forced their way out and down her mushed cheeks. “Isn’t that enough?” the worry was apparent as he swallowed, eyes darting and his mouth going dry.

She opened her eyes to meet his, brow turned and searching. She fluttered her lashes in question.

“Isn’t me loving you enough?” he asked desperately. “Doesn’t being in love mean you beat him? You won? You have proof you’re not a bad person. I love you, you're amazing. You’re everything I could want.”

“Just because you believe it doesn’t mean I do.” she quivered out with a hiccup. “I had years of him in my head. I’ve not known you for even a year. Maybe you don’t know the real me and I am a piece of shit.” she shrugged and he dropped his hands from her face, the rejection clear on his face.

“Star you’re being ridiculous.” his voice was quiet, the shine of tears in his eyes saying more than his words.

“No I’m not!” she said fully defensive, a half step away, a hand to her chest.

“Star, I love you. I’m in love with you. Just let me in!” he fists his hands together and shook them in an attempt to not shake her himself.

Her mouth opened, but nothing came out in response.

“Don’t you love me too?” he was leaning forward, hands shaking, torn between holding her and wanting to hit something. The question hung in the air unanswered. “Tell me you love me too.” she stood with closed eyes, she bent over with a sob, covering her face. “Please.” a desperate attempt to reach her.

Her head shook in answer, too ashamed to answer him.

“Star don’t.” his voice was strong and dark a surge of anger growing. ”I know you do. I KNOW.” he pointed a finger at her, towering over her.

She looked at him, her face a mess and he still found her beautiful. He felt his stomach turn in realization.

“Star don’t do this, baby please don’t do this to me.” he rasped out, tears starting to fall.

“I can’t say it back,” she whispered, shaking her head half intentionally, half from the intense emotions she felt coursing through her body.

“Why not? If you say you don’t love me you’re a liar.” his voice cracked as his chest heaved. “I see it when you look at me. I feel it in my fucking chest. You even told me when you were drunk!” he screeched. “Don’t lie to me Star! You love me! Don’t lie to me!” he shouted.

“Not saying it isn’t me lying!” the first sign of her being her own person rose, her voice with more conviction behind it.

“So now just not telling someone something isn’t a lie?” he snarked back, his face drawn and angry.

“If I said I didn’t… then I would be lying.” she gritted her teeth as she spoke.

“SEE! YOU DO! Just say it god dammit!” he broke, a sob choking him as he said it a bit crazed, begging her with outstretched hands.

“So? I’m just going to disappoint you. I am right now. I told you I can’t do this!” her hands flung down to her sides, her body stiff. “I told you from the very start!” she squeaked out, staring him down and terrified. “I’m fucking this up just like he said I would. You’re finding out what a piece of shit I am now. This is me!” she put her hands to her chest and hit herself for emphasis.

“You don’t want to acknowledge he was wrong because then you’d have to really open yourself up to being hurt by someone who isn’t a piece of shit. And you’re too afraid to.” he hissed back, entirely defensive now.

She gawked with an open mouth at his brutal honesty.

“Because we love each other. And I love you, every part of you. Even this part that believes this bullshit.” he laughed a touch crazed, wiping his cheeks. “I love you so much it makes me angry. And I know you love me. You’ve told me. In so many ways. But I can’t do this roller coaster emotional shit and get my hopes up for you to pussy out.” he bit with flared nostrils. Star blinked, frozen in shock.

“I can’t say it back why are you so angry?” her voice back a whisper.

“Because I can’t be just friends with you or act like I’m not in love with you anymore.” he laughed as if it were obvious, his hands thrown into the air. “Because you’re being a coward by not saying it when you know it’s true.” his eyes were wide, brows high and his body shaking. “I’m asking so little.” he groaned. “I’m mad because the idea that you wouldn’t be my girlfriend when you act like my fucking wife is ridiculous.” he slapped his hands in the air. “Because there’s no reason! No real reason we shouldn’t be together!” his voice cracked as he shouted, turning away from her. “Except that you’re a coward who won’t just fucking live your life. Instead, you're letting an imaginary voice in your head keep you from being happy. Because I would make you so happy Star.” he shook his head, nearly a vibration with how his body was thrumming.

“You do make me happy!” her lip trembled and another sob broke.

“Then stop lying to me!” he cried, covering his face for a moment. “Hell, and yourself! I don’t know this Star, this isn’t who I fell in love with. I don't know who this is but it isn’t you. You've shown me the real you when you forget to sabotage yourself. This isn't her, it's not you. You're getting in your own way.” he said with tear-stained cheeks, face on full display as he leaned toward her.

“It is. That’s the problem. I told you. I told you I can’t do this.” she said softly, too soft for how much she cared.

“But you want to?” he tried to clarify with clutched hands towards her.

“YES!” she shouted.

“Then do it!”

“I CANT!” she screamed back, both of their chests heaving.

“You know what?” he shouted into his hands, rubbing his face before they slapped to his sides. “ I can’t do this.”

“What?” she squeaked.

“This." he motioned his hands wildly. "Whatever this is." he stepped backward toward the door, still facing her.

“I'm sorry.” she looked as disappointed as she felt.

“When you're ready to admit the truth,” he said with a pointed finger. “I'll be here. I'll be all in, Star….” He shook his head sternly. “But until then I'm done.” he shrugged, and turned, letting the door slam shut behind him.

He heard the sound of her falling to her knees on the floor. Just like he heard her sobbing, saying his name, and apologizing. He stood at the van door, hand on the handle. He let his head rest on the cold glass for a moment, wiping his tears away with his jacket sleeve and sniffling. He waited, and caught his breath. But she didn’t come after him. It was his turn to take the sign. So he left.

PART 21

(I'm sorry. It had to be done.)

BUT if you enjoyed it, reblogs, likes and comments help IMMENSELY.

Tag List in comments and here - it's not letting me tag people??!!

@suspirian @likeficsinthewnd @hollyismentallyillhelpp @eddiesgoodgirl @ouuwitchywoman @michaelfuckinglangdonn @hannahdinse88 @thikkiesixxx @idyllicbutterflyy @lonesome-dovee @kaelyn-lobrutto244 @eriseffigy @kriffingstarss @psychedelephantt @laurathefahrradsattelttel @munsins @secularlunarsorceresss @angelofthorrr @eddiemunsonsbedroomroom @justiceiswaterr @unnecesarysstuff @divadinag @boomhauer @br0ck-eddiee @bimbobaggins69 @sillypurplemurplee @sunnyhoney420 @sugar-bears-smile @hellfires-harlott

[shmowder]

That's good info to know about your requests! I'm happy that general rqs won't be a problem because that's all my brain wants to come up with 😅

Thank you for the Stardew compliment :] I'm just about done with Spring year 1 and I blew all my money on the backpack upgrades (got lucky and grew a giant cauliflower!), and I'm constantly low on energy and running out of time to do things. Somehow this is reminding me of Pathologic 2 now, lol. I know that's typical of the early game. Still, it's comforting to know that other than a cutscene or two, there's nothing really missable as long as you have the patience to wait for the seasons to roll around again. Btw. The secret to getting to the lower floors in the mines quickly and without combat is to craft a bunch of staircases ;)

Anyway! I took a scroll through your whole blog and I must say the Daniil & Artemy treating the reader's "hysteria" concept? Inspired. Chefs kiss ✨

Who are your favorite adult characters in P2? Mine are Aglaya, Yulia, and Victor. Not that I can explain why but Yulia and Victor were the ones I was running around town like crazy trying to make sure they didn't die (along with most of the kids). Tmi time, I'm not often interested in men but I LOVE that sad old man.

I like Artemy and his little circle of old friends, too. Feel free to infodump, or not, if you want to ^^

🐿️ anon

Between all the Pathologic characters, I feel like only a handful would thrive as Stardew Valley farmers.

Daniil would want to replace Harvey's position since day one and never grow a single crop in his life.

Clara would depend on lucky drops, trash can dives and blackmailing Mayor Lewis about the gold statue money embezzlement fiasco to earn a living wage only for her twin to put his purple shorts in the soup pot during luau

Artemy would thrive there, I feel it in my bones. He would build a pretty good self-watering potato farm with a cow penhouse or two. Sticky and Murky would enjoy the Valley too, especially with all the supernatural things hidden around they can find.

And oh stairs in the mines! That explains why I progressed at the pace of a slug each day. I just raw dogged it each time and got my ass beaten only to grumbly go fish instead to unwind.

The thing with Stardew Valley is that there is no race against time so much but the limited Stamina and all the possible ways to upgrade and improve little by little each day makes it a game where the antagonist is your own ego. Or at least in my case, because I refused to use sprinklers that weren't iridum since what was the point!! But also, I finished an entire year without getting much iridium, so I was pretty desperate and burnt out from can watering every day by the time I did unlock them. Or how the npcs friendship depelates each day and it felt like such a personal insult to me to not have everyone like me so much at all times that I chased them every single day to talk and avoid friendship depletion.

I made Stardew Valley my own living hell by my own hands thanks to the stubborn human ego. Water by can everyday, chase down and talk to 30+ people everyday, only have enough time to progress 4 levels down in the mine before dying on the said 4th then rage quitting the game and reinstalling league like a normal person. If I'm going to get fucked by a game I rather it be my own teammates bending me over.

ANYWAY.

No I'm not finished.

Do you think Victor would do good in Stardew Valley? Not as a farmer but like as an npc. Oh god, can you even imagine what the kains would do to that town, I almost feel bad... almost. They'd perform all kinds of experiments to test the limit of that reality. They'd bother the wizard to work for them and lock the immortal farmer in some basement to find out just how they achieved the immortality.

He'd probably easily get people to follow him and rope the young adults into some utopian cult like he does in pathologic.

Yulia might chill there, becomes Gunther's roommate, visit the beach occasionally, and befriend Elliott and Leah. Yeah, I see Yulia getting happier in that town. Except for the occasional fits of saying ominous fate predictions she made about the villagers' future, to their face.

Aglaya would guillotine Mayor Lewis the second she steps a foot off of that train and into the town. And don't we love her for that!! My wife <33333

Okay now I am finished!

Hmm... My favourite adults. They're practically the same as yours, Aglaya, Victor, and Yulia. Oh, I really like Isidor too despite all the uh... non-fun things he has done.

I loved Aglaya even before the whole romance thing with Artemy which took me by complete surprise because I never expected to find romance in Pathologic of all things! Sure I knew about Daniil and Eva but thought they were a one off special case where it's mostly implied than obviously stated?

Then comes Aglaya, swinging and throwing you off your rhythm. You meet her and think, "Oh god, not another crazy person who talks sophisticated p throw-up nonsense and pretends its high-brow philosophy."

*Cough* The kains!!! *cough*

Like I absolutely did not care for her before meeting her. I didn't know her, and the cutscenes in the theatre about her the night prior felt like they were tying too hard to make me afraid of her. And I think they could've worked if approached differently. Only after meeting her and being faced with her brash brutal dialogue that I fell in love.

The biggest threat she resembled was death, and as a player, you know you have death immunity because who else would play the game, huh? So you never feel the need to tiptoe around despite her holding the power to immediately order your hanging outside.

I knew I was never going to die, so I never was careful with Aglaya. Although seeing that one cutscene of people lining up against the wall the day she arrives did make me feel a bit uneasy, especially with both Daniil and Clara there too looking almost intimidated.

The build-up to her reveal is so amazing. They show you the unmoveable power pillars of this town absolutely losing their marbles at her arrival. The same people who tried to manipulate you blatantly or never bothered to give you the time of the day were terrified to their core.

I don't think any other character gets as much reveal build up and theatrics about her like Aglaya. No other character in pathologic could cause the same stirr, could make the Kains, Saburovs and Olgimsky running around like headless chickens.

In P2, how worried everyone was when lining up outside the church to take turns and await their judgement. How it's the only time you ever see the stamatin twins out of their usual spots, the so proclaimed absolute freedom enthusiasts actually walking by their own feet to the inquisitor and follow direct orders! IT'S A CIRCUS SHOW!

Or the fact she literally puts up a hanging station right in front of the crucible, the kains' resident! The one family so obsessed with immortality and preservation are faced with the grim reality of not only death but being hanged to death by her, being killed, and put to display for everyone to see. Knowing she has the power to order their execution at any time.

What a power move of her.

AND IN FRONT OF THE POLYHEDRON TOO! Nine total nooses awaiting them. It's a direct threat she places in front of them with a clear message, behave or else.

You witness usually collected and rational Kains, the powerful leaders of this town, terrified to their core that day.

Georgiy isn't in his workshop like usual, he is standing outside to look at the symbol of death in the face.

Much like dads stand in the streets with their hands crossed to watch the aftermath of a car crash, except he is looking at the future with the implications it could be his very own car that ends up there.

He doesn't even talk to you, he's just staring. Dread sinking into his stomach as he watches the people walking in nervously before exiting the cathedral with their mind broken or tears streaming down their face.

The inquisition is absolutely terrifying. Especially when you consider how Nina on her own made the whole town walk on eggshells, how Aglaya's her sister.

Talking about Nina, guess who's portrait Victor sits on the floor in front of after seeing the hearing ropes outside.

Well...not her. I thought this painting was of Nina Kaina but apparently it's Maria's concept art which is kinda sweet.

BABY BOY IS HUGGING HIS KNEES

You talk to him and the first thing he talks about is the church and why they built it. How it distributes times to the clocks throughout the town.

How Aglaya's presence there is clearly affecting time and making it go faster, and yet Victor doesn't dare say a thing.

God, I love Aglaya. No one else could compare the aura of absolute power she is dripping with, the heavy presence she instils into the church. The walk up to her standing in front of a throne in P1.

There is also another scene where the executioners literally bow down to her as she arrives into town

While in P2, that imagery is replaced by her standing behind the gaint swinging pendulum of the church clock. It almost looks like a saw threatening to cut your neck off as you cautiously walk under it to reach her.

She arrives at the prime of conflict and plague, immediately gets down to business and stays awake for three whole days just to absorb as much information as she possibly can. She forcefully moves the plot along, opens the factories and pulls all the short strings of lies to expose them.

Not to mention how utterly massive the church is, it has three floors you can climb up to and even save your game in. Yet not a single soul is in there except Aglaya who easily fills up this empty structure with her own presence.

You make it past the hanging saw and reach her, only for her back to be kept turned towards you. You get the feeling that you're intruding on someone busy, the same churning of stomach you feel when you're just a kid nervously knocking on the school principle office and sitffly standing to the side, waiting for her to finish the paperwork before giving you permission to talk.

It's nerve-wracking how calm she is. If you cross her as the player, she immediately calls you out and reminds you who she is. Just who do you think you're talking to with that tone?

She is truly a mother's doll. The discipline, the respect she demands, the way you find yourself answering to her without question or second thought. She gives and orders, and it's carried immediately, no buts, no arguing and no talking back.

In a way, she does bring justice to Farkhad without being aware of it. He's been killed long ago by the Stamatin twins, or at least that's major theory, and he's the one who made the church. How fitting it is for the person who wants to destroy the polyhedron as revenge for her sister to seek shelter in the same church of his making.

As a final note, the inquisition symbol "the steel heart" greatly looks like her.

This is Aglaya Lilich. This symbol is absolutely how the entire world views her. A heart of steel and a frost dagger of a stare. You look at this and immediately understand you are in trouble. You made a mistake, and you must get punished for your sins. For your betrayal.

The top part reminds me of steppe symbols and sigils, it almost looks like Samn the circle of life.

She is always depicted as above people, as your greatest nightmare and investable demise.

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I planned on talking about Victor and Yulia too but Aglaya stole the show and honestly I can't blame her.

Since they are your favourite characters however, and mine lmao, I'm very confident that you already get the basics and understand their core concepts.

So instead, I'll talk about the small easy-to-miss details I've noticed about them!

Starting with Victor, he is actually a very loving parent. He admits to missing Caspar, he has many pictures of Maria hanged around his wing of the crucible both in P1 and P2.

Which is so endearing with how he wants to appear rational and nothing else 90% of the time. How his way of speech is almost mechanical, unlike other characters, it doesn't matter what you say to Victor Kain because he rarely reacts to your words. He is straightforward and is only interested in saying what's on his mind, not in what you have to say about it.

And yet, he openly admits how much he wants his son back, Caspar.

He is one of the people who ordered the tower to be built, this is his life purpose and what's his entire family has been working towards since the beginning.

Yet he can't help but resent it for stealing his son.

Victor still does everything in his power to protect the power, that monster keeping his kid estranged to him, to be a good brother and keep true to his words, to fullfill his promises to his family, to truly build a utopia and change the world.

And it's chipping away at his sanity.

Imagine how he feels seeing Maria grow and lose her sense of being as she transforms into a mistress. As she desperately tries to fill the empty vacuum of space Nina left behind.

How did the father feel watching his little daughter stand in front of a mirror, same one he hanged in her room, trying on her late mother's crown and watching it slip off no matter how desperately she attempts to keep her head held high... But it's just too heavy.

He wanted to tell Caspar to come home, he wants to tell Maria to live her age and not let this town consume her like it did to her mother. But his two brothers keep his hands tied, they told him not to interfer with the kids in the polyhedron, Maria barely listens to him or acknowledges him has a dad, a father yes but not a dad.

In another twist of fate, both him and Aglaya share that habit of telling people to stay quiet for 40 something seconds while they think. They probably both learned it from Nina in the past.

In P1, the crucible design had more space and rooms. It looked like actual people lived there. You can even find Khan's room next to Maria's, you see his untouched furniture and the toys on his shelf, you see the two pairs of wooden practice swords on his desk and wonder if his dad made them for him. A picture is painted before your eyes of a younger Victor teaching a 7 year old Caspar how to hold a sword, how to swing, and how to block.

Did he let his son win? Did he surrendered after they sparred just to see a smile on Khan's face?

In P2, the door to his son's room is blocked.

You don't get to see many traces of Maria's childhood in her room, both in P2 and P1. Like she grew up too fast, or as if she threw out all the evidences of her past to make way for her future, slithering like a snake and wrapping itself around her to suffocate her and call it love, to restraint her and paint it as absolute freedom, to isolate her until all she could hear is the whispering of her mother's corpse from the grave.

It's like he knows he doomed his two kids by bringing them into this world. That they could never be kids once they were born Kains.

That they might not even survive.

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For Yulia, i didn't talk to her much at the start of the game because I was performing an exploit. The game only acknowledge the existence of an npc once you actively talk to them. If you don't, then they aren't considered a possibility yet and can't get infected.

You have two chances to talk to Yulia at the start for flavour text, once at the Olgimskys' balcony and another at the makeshift theatre hospital. Afterwards she forces you to talk to her by sending you a letter to come to the trammel.

Listen- It was one less person to cure/protect from infection and I did what I needed to do. You can do this with Khan too actually, but it does mean failing a side quest and subsequently getting an entire area infected.

It is funny it a way how if you just don't talk to people and do only your main quests, they never get infected.

Wait is the game saying that the player is the actual plague in this situation wait hold on w-

Anyway Yulia! Lesbian Icon. She has a heavy implied relationship with Eva in P1 when Clara is trying to take advantage of Eva to manipulate Yulia into... yk a little trip the underworld. Tho it's only evident in Clara's route? Take my words with a grain of salt, I'm not sure how accurate their relationship was implied in p1.

You don't get any of that in P2, sadly. Or maybe it's just the Haruspex's route? In P1, as Artemy, you literally never have a single reason to talk to her once, not a single quest require her.

The only time I talked to her was like on day 10 or 11 because I was around the area and curious since we haven't even met yet. It was a nice talk, she's very polite and interesting with her words. Ik people like to compare her to Daniil Dankovsky and his obnoxious speeches.

But I think Yulia is a better conversationist than him. She explains herself more than him and doesn't necessarily come of as condcending but only passionate, Daniil talks over you while Yulia talks to you. It feels like she is coming to the conclusion just as she is explaining it to you while Daniil is revising a rehearsed speech he undoubtedly practiced before.

The interesting detial I noticed about her is how she is humble despite meeting all the required qouta to be a utopian. She is a genius through and through, and her ideas about fate and time overlap with the kains. At times, she is willing to put herself in danger just to see an experiment done. even just out of curiosity.

And yet, she is not one of them.

Instead, she is placed within the redemption-seeking sinners and helpless saints. She is in the same shoes as Lara who wants to do good but feels utterly powerless, in the same situation as Rubin who was the best student there ever was and yet none of his effort was ever enough.

Yulia is clearly keeping a secret, some side we aren't shown ingame. An effort to put some worth on a life she deems wasted.

She is gentle with the Haruspex in P2.

Yulia clocks you, Artemy, as someone who thinks with their heart since the start. She admits you will be able to see and understand things most people can't because of that, things she herself can never comprehend.

It's not even a backhanded compliment. Both Yulia and Daniil think with their brain, yet when met by someone driven by heart and emotions like Artemy, Daniil refuses to acknowledge your methods and clings to rationality while Yulia understands how both methods are of importance and to not underestimate you.

By the end, she offers you to be her assistant. You. Someone who doesn't like big words and doesn't know a lick of Latin. She sees great potential in you and is impressed by how you saved the town.

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lmao what was very long. It took a couple of days to write but I enjoy it and it was fun! I wanted to include more pictures but alas the pictures limit in a single post is cruel.

I hope you enjoyed reading it! I'm unsure of how much to explore when it comes to each character in these posts because what if I'm just retelling something you already know?

On the other side, what if I go too niche and the reader can't relate or understand what I'm saying? Honestly it's headache inducing. I haven't been feeling well lately, life and all.

But there is beauty in creation and in talking about details in other's creations! So many games and stories have such thoughtfull details and subtle notes put into them, I adore digging for symbolism wherever I can find it. I feel like a detective hehe.

I hope your day is going well <3 I was thinking lately about how much I like the emoji you chose for your anon. Mostly because I saw a truly mind-boggling anon emoji choice in another blog- So bad I almost thought they were trolling- but they weren't.

Meanwhile a squirrel is literally amazing! What a great choice! Now I just imagine a tiny squirrel coming in my inbox leaving letters and eating the peanuts I leave Aaaa my heart <3333

[lovelygirlnicole15]

Kiomi and Tomio's powers Explanation Guide.

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Here's the explanation of Kiomi and Tomio's powers like I promise in this post:

NOW LET'S GO LADIES!!!

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Kiomi's powers.

Like I mentioned in the post of above, her powers are hypnotize humans, walk on walls and ceilings and turn into an puffbat.

Here are some examples of her abilities.

Also friends relax she only hypnotizes her enemies and she'll stop hypnotizing them when she feels like it. Another thing to make clear is that her puffbat form is very small (like the size of a mango 🥭).

And her eyes glow like diamonds when she's hypnotizing humans. Plus she loves to walk on walls and ceilings because it's very easy for her to hide.

And since she's a vampire she's inmune to any other hypnotization because an vampire's hypnotization is the most strongest one in the whole world, and she can't also get brainwashed.

Here's an example of Kiomi hypnotizing someone who's already hypnotize:

That one Toppat is an random (not official oc), also this in a example if Kiomi ever shows up in @capturecharlesau 's Au (This is not even official unless the creator of the Au wants it like that, it's your decision Min! I'm not forcing you!). She can also speak japanese, but she prefers more English to communicate better.

Also since she's barely new she's been under training and not go to missions until she's ready to use a gun along with her husband Tomio, but that's not the main problem, no, nobody's worry that Kiomi might attack someone in the Toppat Clan just for blood, it was the opposite problem actually... Kiomi's not drinking enough blood, and it causes her to get constantly tired and her powers getting weaker (she can't even hang her feet on the walls and ceilings), and it worries everyone in the clan, specially Tomio, but she doesn't want to attack her new friends just for a meal so she puts her very own life in risk.

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Tomio's powers.

Tomio can see someone's memories and feel their real expression (like if someone says it's fine when it's actually not, he can see it's soul).

And I also said that he can't speak because he's mute so he'll only communicate with the sign language.

And this is how he does to enter someone's memories.

1. He draws an cyan magical circle.

2. Then he sits in it and starts praying silently (in his mind of course), and the more calm he is the more the circle begins to glow.

3. His body will remain still in the circle without moving but his soul would be able to move around and get into someone's memories (but it won't interfier in the memory).

And lastly he can heal injuries (like a broken arm (or any other part of the body) to an blood loss), here's an example.

When Tomio heals his allies his eyes began to glow like the sky.

Context of the art: Earrings was walking and she was so focus on her phone that she accidentally fell downstairs of the gap room and she broke her arm, and sadly for her the medical was very far away and nobody was near her to help her, but luckily Tomio was in records and saw what happened so he wanted to heal her arm.

And of course he can't get hypnotize because there's an powerful blessing in his family that protects each member from any mind corruption (like brainwashing or hypnotizing)

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That's all I got about Kiomi and Tomio's powers, if you have any doubts just ask me in private :3

I hope you like this!