#and then it's looking pointing at a cardboard cut-out and saying: 'well HE doesn't act that way' yeah bc he's 2 dimensional

[langernameohnebedeutung]

Honestly, for me, one of the more ... uninspired and a little bit grating takes on problématique characters with sad backstories is: "well this other character experienced this and worse and they're not out there killing people!"

i mean, good for them, but I don't think we need a "best practice" approach to trauma

[just-some-random-blogger]

Bootylicious

Stray Kids Bang Chan x Idol!Reader Summary: You're known as the gym rat in your group, and quite frankly, you only have two moods: shredding or chilling. This was why when you're not asleep in between schedules, you're spotted with a male idol you happened to meet in the gym you were at that day. It's a known fact though, that you and Bang Chan are gym buddies and each other's spotter. Word Count: 2k+ Warnings: Internet toxicity, sasaengs, vulgar language, sexism, misogyny, pining, fluff, mentions of Pentagon because why not <3, etc.

A/N: Girl, i shouldn't do this but I did. It's so funny to me someone requested this cause I have recently become an exercise junkie lol. Also, if you can't tell, there is a pov shift after the cut so yeah. I also wanted to keep the reader gender neutral but I want to write about how psychotically different people treat male and female idols because that stuff aint it. It's most definitely not what anon was expecting me to write but I hope they enjoy it nonetheless.

There's compilation in YT with growing parts centered around you flexing your physical fitness and prowess. It ranges from you affectionally touring your fans, which really meant the cameraman, through the gym, introducing your trainer, and doing your routine on camera, to your group (and others) both fawning and bragging about how strong and how hot you are.

CLIP #1: A scene from an interview of your group in Japan, struggling to talk about how you can do 40 straight push ups.

There was a male interviewer in a suit you could all faintly recognize was talking about your recent Instagram post of a gym mirror selfie.

One of your youngest members smirked and in broken Japanese, cutely said, "Wah, she does 100 push ups! Everyday, every night."

You snap your head to the maknae and raise your brows, "nani?" You begin to shake your hands in protest and begin to explain your truth, "absolutely not 100. Maybe around 40, but nooooo, not 100."

The interviewer and your group comically react in awe. The man in the suit urges, "can you show us?"

You give a face, "Excuse me, but I'm not getting paid to do that in this miniskirt."

Everyone, including the film crew, break into laughter.

CLIP #2: A scene from a variety show where you had to prove you were, in fact, yourself, by doing a shortened version of your exercise routine.

One of the hosts of the show asks, "Wait, do you honestly do all of this in your workout? Like you can do all of it?"

The list of your exercises were written on a colourful cardboard, held by the one who just spoke. It was a range of exercises in 10 sets, from jumping jacks to sit ups, to vague sounding exercises like crab pinches and robot arms.

You purse your lips at the last question asked of you, not really liking the tone in which it was asked. You answer quickly and nod proudly, "I actually do more, cause when I get in the zone and I'm already really sweaty, I feel like I should keep going until my whole body burns." You chuckle.

The older hosts, tilt their head and mutter lowly under their breath something along the lines of, "I'd rather die."

You finally do the routine, quickly, continuously, earning impressed reactions from everyone.

"That's hot," one of the hosts note.

"Ya, for some reason it looks easy to do."

The hosts begin to clamour at that statement, and force whoever said to do the exact thing you did. Clearly, they don't work out as much as you do and cannot even get halfway through it without stopping.

You break out into a breathless laugh in amusement of the comical attempt but then protest, explaining how bad it is to force yourself to do more than you can

CLIP #3: Pentagon, Hongseok especially, fawns over how fit you are

Trailing a conversation about how your group is close with Pentagon because your companies are situated closely to each other and you wind up eating together a lot, there is an anecdote about how there was a jar no one could open, no one but you, that is.

The interviewer asks no one in particular, "wah, none of you could open the jar? Really? Or did you all just pretend so she could open it?"

There is a chorus of answers concluding with, "no really, she was the only one that was able to open it."

The story is backed up by how the jar had a really small lid and some hands were too big. Then came an explanation how you were recently into the new rock climbing machine in your gym.

Hongseok speaks up, "I was invited to go to rock climbing in, like, an actual rock climbing place and I was honestly so surprised when she began to climb. She said she never actually tried rock climbing on a wall, but it seemed like she had been doing it for years."

Shinwon agrees, "Right, right. I was also really curious about what they did that day," he points to Hongseok, "that I joined them one time. I never felt so out of shape in my life. I just stayed back and filmed everything."

Pentagon laughs, and then agrees that you were exceptionally fast and just super fit in all honesty.

The interviewer catches Hongseok's expression then suddenly asks, "do you like a woman like that?"

"Yeah, I like my women strong."

Then came a lot of teasing remarks from Pentagon, and a plethora of complaints from delusional fans who did not want Hongseok to ever breathe in your direction again.

With all that's been said about that, in all the parts of this series floating around in the internet, one thing remained, there was a slightly larger population of impressed fans than the still large portion of antifans who wanted nothing to do with it and only came around to hate.

It's hard not to think about it, but even the slightest back handed compliment can sometimes linger in one's mind.

And right now, as much as I kept my mind on my counting as I finished my set high knees, I couldn't help but think of how much backlash I got from posting a post workout photo with my midriff exposed.

Apparently that was not only enough to merit hate for being both a whore and an attention whore, but people baselessly began to hate on my groupmates simply for being associated with me.

It's kind of sad really, how, say Wonho, can post a fairly exposed photo of himself and get so much praise for it, and yet I couldn't even do anything remotely close to that.

And I don't even mean to come at Wonho, we all know he's a beast at the gym and should be able to show as much of his hard work as he is comfortable in showing, but why can't I?

"Hey trooper. I thought you said you were only doing 80 counts?" a voice cracks me out of my train of thought.

I turn to whom spoke and chuckle at myself as I stop my leg raises, "ah yeah, I got lost in thought, and your really good song."

I pull on my earphones and give a lopside smile, "I love working out to God's Menu."

He gives a soft, "he he, thanks."

"No need for a thank you when I'm only giving my honest opinion, Chan."

"Yeah, well still, it makes my kokoro go doki-doki," he sniggers, crossing his arms and flashing a dimpled smile. I raise my upper lip and reel back, "EWWW!"

I playfully shove him. He acts hurt, "this is violence against children."

"Chan, you're literally older than me."

"That doesn't mean I'm not a child at heart."

"You mean, it doesn't mean you're not a drama queen."

"Hey, I have no interest in having a throne, my only interest is," he leans in and whispers, "you."

I feel my soul leave my body as he snorts to himself and runs away. I regurgitate in surprise, "YA!"

"You better do your next set properly," Chan says heading off to a cable row machine, "I'm always watching."

I try to ignore the blood rushing up your neck, "creep."

He shrugs, "rather that or have you get injured, sweet heart."

Yeah, Chan has saved me from a lot of injuries I could have had. It was a bad habit. It stemmed from the same thing that made me mess up my count a while ago, my overthinking.

Sometimes I thought of rather harmless things, but sometimes I began to fixate on the hate I received for simply being. I do a lot to get my mind to realize that they hated me simply because they could and because it was easy. Exercising helped tremendously, especially when I had someone fun to work out with, especially when I was with Chan. He just... made me feel safe, y'know.

But when the news of us being work out buddies surfaced, a lot of sasaengs came for me. Of course, a lot of Stays and my own fans were really kind about, speaking out that we were our own people and exercising together did not mean anything in particular really.

But some really went for it, and made it a hobby to comment on everything I was in that I was a slut for 'working out' with different men every day."

I let out a breath as I finish my routine. I catch my breath and go for a swig of my water. I take a moment then sit down by the mirror, which was near where Chan was currently working out.

"You're doing it again."

I turn from where I was blankly staring at turn to Chan who gave me a soft look, "you good?"

I release a sigh then purse my lips, "maybe."

He pouts, "what happened?"

I shrug and stand from where I sat, "you know, the usual."

Chan then comes up to me and takes my water bottle from me, "you know, no matter how much people say you don't need water to live, you can never change the fact that you are extremely dependent on water to live."

I look at him and half- heartedly point, "are you calling me thirsty?"

He begrudgingly groans and releases a chuckle. He calls my name out in a scolding tone. I feel myself relax, "I know what you're getting at Chan."

He nods, "good. I'll always be here to remind you of that."

I smile and feel an urge to hug him, "if you weren't so sweaty, I would totally hug you right now."

Chan then gives me a look then does not hesitate to crush me into his arms. I groan and whine in protest. He chuckles, "you literally just said you wanted a hug!"

"YOU'RE LITERALLY SO SWEATY. NO ONE WANTS THIS TORTURE."

Chan huffs and gives a wounded look, "hmp. You better spot me while I lift or else I'm unfriending you."

"Hmm... I think I'll be good without you as a friend."

I half expect Chan to whine about it, but he instead smirks, "ahhhh, you must want me to be your boyfriends so badly huh."

I- I mean...

CLIP #4: A crack edit of Chan when he gets asked about his gym relationship with me in Chan's Room.

He was looking through the questions and suddenly chuckles, his ears noticeably began to redden. Cue a zoom in of his face and his red ears. Cue a clip of Cardi B saying, "that's suspicious."

He says my name then continues, "am I close with her? Yeah. I would say I'm close with her-- and her whole group actually."

Captioned: Nice save, Chris.

"The kids and I are close with her group," he says, clearing his throat.

A clip of him clearing his throat is repeated about ten times.

Chan adjust the beanie he was wearing as he thinks of what he was going to say next, "we actually do work out together a lot because she's under a trainer that works with my trainer."

Captioned: Sure, Chan. That's the only reason, right?

Chan catches another question, "Is she a beast in the gym like Hongseok says?" He breaks into a laugh. He then rubs his cheek and grits his teeth.

A clip of someone saying, "Oh he's jealous," flashes on screen.

"Yeah," Chan finally says, "she's got a really high stamina."

Cue the clip, WHAT DID HE SAY?

Chan continues, "she can go between exercises without stopping. she doesn't even take that much time to catch her breath. In fact, she sings while exercising sometimes, which helps make her vocals stable."

Captioned: Queen Tingz.

The next thing that happens is Chan breaks into a laugh and begins to chuckle. He says, "Sorry I saw a funny comment."

Captioned: WHAT HE MEANS IS HE SAW A COMMENT SAYING 'SHUT UP CHRIS, YOU'RE WHIPPED."

Then came these comments:

LITERALLY LOOK AT HOW FLUFFY BANG CHAN GETS WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT HER DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME MY SHIP IS ALIVE

They are dating period. prove me wrong. you cant

Chan literally blushes over anything, buT HE TURNED INTO A TOMATO WHEN HE TALKED ABOUT HER BYE

if you hate on your faves loving each other, you most definitely need Jesus (:

PLEASE CAN YOU SEE HOW WHIPPED THEY ARE FOR EACH OTHER

Yeah... it's not been confirmed to this day.

[seraphimluxe]

survival × b.b.

SUMMARY: Bucky woke up depressed today and it doesn't show any signs of letting up.

trigger warning

warnings: this is very dark. it's basically a description of depression with mentions of anxiety and winter soldier violent stuff. if that sounds remotely triggering to you, please skip it.

your mental health > being potentially triggered

I care so much about you, and I'm always here to talk 💞

a/n: hi🌻 i wrote this because I was researching ptsd, c-ptsd and the connection between them and depression, and I wanted to portray depression in a way that wasn't romanticizing it, fantasizing it, or making y/n cure it with a cup of hot cocoa. I know you don't just "wake up depressed" but I feel like with buckys trauma it could be triggered and come on quickly? if that makes sense? I hope this helps someone maybe feel not alone or less hopeless.

🌻 I really do love you. keep living babies 🌻

His mind is loud today.

The world around him is a wet towel that's been washed so many times it's lost its color, and he can't bring himself to care.

He lied in bed staring at the ceiling, watching the cool, midnight filter on his bedroom get cut through with warm sunlight.

It wasn't nice. It wasn't pleasant. It was another day, and today, he just didn't want that.

He felt stupid for sitting in bed– maybe guilty was a better word. He should get up, make himself useful, redeem himself, but the inflamed words in his head ached everytime he tried to think of anything.

What's the point?

He should go get breakfast, but what's the point? Why does it matter if he gets hungry? He should train, he should at least try to act normal, but he doesn't care. He doesn't care if he starves, he doesn't care if the blankets are hot and stuffy and disgusting on his skin.

it doesn't matter

He's just so numb. He truly doesn't have the energy to feel emotions today. His tank is on "E", and now he's empty.

His chest is so heavy. It's so heavy. His brow and lips are stuck in a frown, and his arm hurts so badly. Whenever he has a day like this, his arm aches like the day he got it.

Everything aches. His whole world is heavy and painful and it's suffocating.

The days of numbness and emotionlessness are the ones where he most feels like the soldier. Those are the days where he teeters on the line between Bucky and The Asset.

He doesn't feel like Bucky today. Not today. But then again he doesn't feel anything.

The only emotion he can welcome is guilt. He knows it's only a matter of time before all the avengers start noticing his absence, and start worrying about him. That makes him guilty. He feels guilty that Stark is letting him stay here, giving him food and a bed, and he has the balls to sit in bed and rot.

He feels guilty that he killed people, stole them from their families, loved ones. He stole their lives right away from them, and now he's just sitting here in bed, moping around like he's the one who lost something.

He doesn't understand how he was one of the deadliest assassins, he served in the war, he's a soldier, but today, he can't get out of bed. It's pathetic.

It takes hours for him to get out of bed, the alarm says it's almost noon. His brain runs on autopilot, taking up so much of his already absent energy. He goes to the bathroom, knowing it'll probably be the only time he's up today. He's proud of himself for making the walk there. It's the first taste of a real emotion today, it's almost nice before he's swallowed up by the darkness again.

The mirror in his bathroom told a horrible story and he didn't even recognize the soulless being looking back at him. He knows he should go down and at least get some water, show his face, maybe a snack if he can manage it.

He's forgotten the elevator ride as soon as he steps off. The world is still moving, still bustling outside like nothing's changed, it doesn't feel right. He feels like he's watching a movie, and he's the only one who knows something is wrong. It's so quiet, the walk to the kitchen feels like a walk through a museum, he's grateful he doesn't encounter anybody.

He gets a drink, the water tastes like nothing. He pours himself some cereal, and stares at it until it's soggy. It tastes like nothing too. He manages a few spoonfuls. He feels guilty about throwing away good food, so he just stares at it in hopes that it might disappear.

He wants to be back in bed.

Steve enters. He doesn't look like Steve. A cardboard cutout, or a bad drawing. He's unfamiliar.

Steve seems surprised to see him, Bucky knows that he knows something is wrong.

He gives up on the cereal, a sour taste in his mouth being the only thing that prompted another sip of water. It's silent except for Steve preparing his protein shake. He knows not to talk, he can sense the thickness and dark in the room. He knows his words won't cut through it, so he smiles and doesn't speak.

Bucky nods and abandons his cereal, aiming for bed again. When he occupies himself with walking or eating or just doing something, the screams in his head take over any other thoughts he would have. He sees them all in little flashes in his head. Every single person he's killed, everyone he's hurt, the flashes of blood, a gunshot, a final gurgling gasp, someone hiding under a desk, a neck snapping. He's almost glad he's numb today.

Every now and then there's a scene of him being beaten, him falling off the train, more of him being tortured and abused, insults in Russian, curious and demeaning eyes looking him over like he's a horse at an auction. These scenes hurt less than the others, but make anxiety well up in his chest and his lungs.

He knows he just needs to survive today. That's what Sam's told him, sometimes when it gets bad, you just gotta survive. Bucky forgot how bad it can be.

He's lived through 70 years of torture, beatings and mutilation, and right now, safe in his bed, he doesn't know how he's going to survive the next 24 hours. He knows it's just his mind, he knows things won't be bad forever, he knows there will be a day where he's happy again, he knows all that, but right now he can't see it.

So he survives. He lives through the minutes that last for hours, he lives when it gets dark and the scenes in his head begin to flash behind his eyelids. When he gets tired of breathing, he lives.

Tomorrow comes, and he's not healed. He's not "normal", but he's just a little bit better. He survived. He'll try his hardest to survive again today.

He lives for the moment when he'll be alive again, until then he'll survive.

[jcs-study]

Ooooh... I have so many things to say about this. Not harshing on your cool (at least not deliberately) or denying you any right to your opinion, but this does give me an opportunity to share heap big commentary on the 2000 production.

Okay, so, first the TL;DR: I don't like the 2000 video. Not in the least. Not afraid to be campy? Doesn't take itself seriously? If anything, it takes itself far too seriously. And I especially don't like Jérôme Pradon as Judas. It's not all his fault; an actor is only as good as what the director gives them to play, and the director in this case seemed to pretty consistently give the same characterization to every iteration of that production she actually had her hands on. But he's a pretty big part of what I don't like. To say that I don't see the layers you seem to find in his portrayal is an understatement.

Now to get granular...

JCS is built in large part on the fact that, in real life, there's no such thing as obvious good vs. obvious evil (as Captain Picard once said, "...villains who twirl their mustaches are easy to spot; those that clothe themselves in good deeds are well camouflaged"), and since history is basically a tale of how humanity has developed and grown through time, it's a mistake to view people of significance so one-dimensionally. The big deal about JCS in 1970, at least for audiences of largely Christian background, was that it humanized its characters in a way the Bible didn't; Judas wasn't a cardboard cut-out figure of evil, he was a person whose thoughts and motivations were worthy of exploration. Same with Mary and Pilate, and so on. Sadly, many directors portray the opposite, resulting in a hokey "comic book" product. And I think that the 2000 video is a glaring example.

I'm sure Gale Edwards is a fine director, but, for me at least, she missed the boat with this particular version of JCS. (Not having seen her original 1996 production at the Lyceum Theatre, which unfortunately never left that venue and was reportedly far better than what went wide, I can only comment on this.) Her direction -- and its accompanying production design -- was filled with offensively obvious attempts at symbolism, so plain in its intentions as to almost beat one over the head with them. When not utterly confused in its storytelling thanks to conflicting design choices, this staging flatly stated what it thought motivations were without any room for interpretation.

Let's start with those conflicting design choices. I actually like the industrial, post-modern, pseudo-Gotham City atmosphere of the set, though I think it works best onstage. But the costumes are another story. Jesus and the apostles are straight out of Rent, the Roman guards look like an army of Darth Vader clones with nightsticks substituting for light sabers, the priests have practically stepped out of The Matrix, Pilate's a generic Gestapo, Herod -- along with some showgirls and chorus boys -- an escapee from a fourth-rate Vegas act, the Temple is full of (frankly racist) ethnic stereotypes and a mish-mosh of dime-store criminals, and a strange mob with a nagging resemblance to The Addams Family keeps appearing in the show's darker moments seemingly purely to (needlessly, IMO) reinforce that they are in fact dark moments. Where is the common thread? All I see is lots of ideas arguably pointing in different directions, tossed in together to spice up a rather bland soup. The solution to a pack of conflicting ideas is not to throw them all at the wall at once; one should look for a pattern to present itself, and follow it. If no such pattern emerges, it's a sign to start over.

Once one realizes that this is not about shades of gray and reflects blatant, black-and-white choices that the audience is apparently supposed to accept at face value, it starts to make sense, especially when one absorbs the characters' portrayals that come with the confusing looks. In the heroes vs. villains department, for example, where there should be more layering and people can see both sides of every character, Annas and Caiaphas appear purely and devoutly "evil," seemingly designed to inspire fear.

Which brings me to Monsieur Pradon. I sincerely don't get from his chemistry with Glenn Carter what you seem to glean. To me, any sense of a fully three-dimensional person was lost in his portrayal of Judas, leaving a rather unlikable douche constantly beating Jesus -- and others, Mary especially -- over the head with cynicism and curt remarks, their interactions an endless barrage of aggression (overt or covert). No visible hint of inner conflict, and what use is conflict or emotion if the audience isn't aware of it?

Maybe it's just me, but I don't see the love. I don't see the friendship, or other form of relationship if that's what you're implying. (Being gay myself, I'm not opposed to that notion, much as it might tick off a few hardline fundamentalists -- of both Christian and JCS variety.) How are we supposed to mourn the loss if we don't see anything to lose? As horrible and un-feeling as this may sound, I was ready for him to permanently leave the scene well before he removed himself from it, and, ideally, that shouldn't be how we feel about Judas.

As for his broken, strained voice, suffice it to say that you can interpret that however you wish. I interpret it more practically, as he himself has admitted he couldn't keep up a full eight shows a week playing Judas, as his voice not being up to the demands of the score, pure and simple. And that's just me, I'm not saying you can't like it, but I will say I didn't like Josh Young because he sang it too clean; I certainly won't like someone who flat-out can't sing it.

(Having said all of that... I will add, having seen the closing performance on Broadway in 2000, that Tony Vincent took the same direction and came across much more sympathetically, with a far stronger voice. I'm not saying this portrayal can't work, but I definitely don't get that it does from the video.)

At least we agree about Zubin Varla, though!

This seemed like appropriate playout music on the way to leaving "Heaven On Their Minds" behind and moving on to the next scene, but before I do, I wanted to open the floor to anyone who still reads this blog or who's been liking the posts so far:

Who's your favorite Judas, and why?

Re-blog this post, add your answer, and maybe even link to their version of "Heaven On Their Minds" if it's out there. I wanna hear from you!