#and then it progressively got to “oi I cleaned up your mess now reward me”

[gomzdrawfr]

anything to get some head pats and praises

[funkymeihem-fiction]

Special Delivery- Chapter 4

“Sooooo, can we? It’s all working out just how I planned! This is heaps good!”

“Absolutely not.”

“Darl, you’re killin’ me here! Just give it a chance!”

“I am not going to give it any sort of chance.”

“Fockin’ hell, woman! All you gotta do is sit there for a while, while I do all the hard stuff. You get some sort of sick delight in makin’ things more difficult than they gotta be?!”

Mei narrowed her eyes at him behind her glasses. “You are actually asking for my permission to keep me captive? And you expect me to give it to you?”

“Well when you put it like that, of course it’s gonna sound a bit off,” Rat grumbled, bony shoulders hunching as he folded his arms in his most petulant manner. “So let me put it in a much better way for you. You’ve got blokes what are still looking for you, the kind who want to kill me and Hog and take you to the Big Boss who wanted you in the first place. Now, neither of us want that to happen, do we? Of course we don’t! So why don’t you just sit tight here at Junkrat’s Bed and Breakfast for just a while longer, and once the air’s cleared a bit and there aren’t so many eyes trying to find you, we’ll sneak you out somewhere safer. We’ll get you to a city, and you show up as pretty as you are right now, and then you go on your merry whilst yours truly collects the reward! Easy peasy!”

“There is nothing easy or peasy about that!” Mei shot back, pointing to the chain still shackled to her leg. “And what were you talking about before? What other junkers? What’s a Big Boss?”

He scratched at his sparsely-haired head, and she tried not to wince when his locks actually crunched under his fingertips. They must have been so filthy with soot and dirty that they stood almost straight out. With a shrug, he leaned back on both arms and regarded her curiously. “You mean you really dunno? You can’t remember anything?”

She hugged herself again. “No. I remember being on a side street in Sydney and realizing someone was following me. I don’t know how many there were, because I turned around to face them, but there was another one, and then I must have blacked out. I think they drugged me? And then I wake up here with a chain around my leg and…I thought you…”

Junkrat sucked on a tooth, giving her a look that resembled pity, or at least the most pity that was to be had from a junker. “Well no wonder you’ve been nattering nonsense, then! Poor little pookie, had no idea what was going on. Lookit, sometimes the higher-ups in Junkertown get a taste for something fancy. So they’ll send out some boys to hit the cities for whatever they want. Sounds to me like the Big Boss decided he wanted himself a certain type of lady. And I know the bloke you were meant for, darl. Not someone who would’ve done you any good, none at all!”

“You mean they would have-”

“Uh huh.”

She averted her gaze, pulling her blanket tighter around herself. “How did you find me?”

“Let’s just call that a ‘happy accident’, yeah? I just happened to intercept the caravan what was carrying their special delivery. Didn’t know the delivery was you, of course. Was ransacking the lorries and found you tied up in the trunk. Completely in the nuddy, crammed in there like a wrapped up parcel. Might have seen a bit of red when I realized what was going on. So me and Hog took care of them all, right then and there. Like I said, killed them all to the last man.” His strange eyes swerved back to her expectantly, clearly wanting praise again.

Mei thinned her lips, unsure whether to be happy with that news or not. Generally she abhorred killing of any sort. But it was hard to get  upset over the deaths of men who would do such heinous things. She just nodded meekly and let him talk. He seemed to like talking.

“Knew the Big Boss would be out scouring every corner of the Outback, looking for you and looking for the ones what killed his boys and took everything from him. Left him a false trail, and then Hog and I went roundabout and took you to my home sweet home. Tried to get you some pants, honest I did. But--” he gestured to his exceedingly scrawny waist, wrapping both hands around it so his fingers touched— “nothing doing, measurements wise. Work in progress, no worries. I’ll get you something comfy.”

“And you’re sure the chain was really necessary?”

“I should bloody well say so, since the first thing you did when you slipped it was to run off and near kill yourself. After all the trouble I went through? Too dangerous for you to go scampering about. Maybe if you behave, we can talk about your Casa de Junkrat privileges. But until then, you can only go on walkies when I’m with you. Can’t let the other junkers spy you out.”

She gave him a dirty look, but took a deep breath and remained calm. This new information changed things. “Listen, Junkrat. I believe you when you say you rescued me from those men. I’m thankful. I really am. But if you can just get me a communication signal, I can contact my, um…associates? If I can’t, you’re going to have a lot more complicated things to deal with than just other junkers.”

“Oi, that a threat? Really?”

“No! I’m not trying to threaten you. I’m just saying, I have friends who might get the wrong impression if they’re able to track me down and find me chained to a wall in whatever this place is. And I don’t want you to get hurt if things go bad.”

His eyes went gooey again, leaning towards her. “Ya do care!”

“I don’t want you or anyone to get hurt, is what I meant!” she clarified quickly, setting her jaw and scooting away. “This is all just a big misunderstanding. So, if you just let me call them, I can just have them pick me up.”

“Now now now, what about the money? They’re not the ones offering the reward for your return, are they?”

“Money? I’m not sure they can… I mean, I can ask them when I call--”

“AH HA!” He pointed at her suddenly with a screaming laugh, his filthy finger almost in her face and making her reel back so hard that she nearly fell over. “Trying to give ol’ Junkrat the slip, are we? Well I’m onto you. ‘Not sure’ if they got the money or not. And if they don’t, they’re gonna come here and rescue you and blow my cover. And then I’m left with no reward and a Big Boss and his Boys after my hide! Hard pass, darl. Hard pass.”

“Junkrat, you can’t just--”

“Nope! Sorry, love, but seeing as I’m the brains of our special little trio here, we’re going to do things my way. Don’t fret your beautiful little head, Mei. You’ll still be getting out, and I’ll still be getting a fat stack of credits for your safe return. I mean, that is, unless you decide you want to stay here.” He leaned towards her and clasped his hands together, metal digits clicking on his mechanical one. “We can skip the whole thing, if you want. If you wanna stay.”

There was that wounded and lovesick puppy expression on his face again, but she turned him away as primly as she had before. “Listen, Mr. Rat-”

“Heh! Hehehehe! Mr. Rat! I like that! You’re funny, Mei. I like ‘em funny. Junkrat’s just my esteemed moniker. Real name’s Jamison Fawkes, the Third, Esquire, Junior, and some other things I forgot. You like it?” He crammed himself closer to her again.

Savior or not, she was getting very close to physically shoving him about now. Trying to rein in her temper, Mei took a deep breath and held up a hand to keep him at bay. “Okay. Mr. Fawkes. If you would please stop interrupting me every other — ”

"Word? See! We’re finishing each other’s sentences already!”

“Mr. Fawk— ”

“You can call me Jamison! Or Jamie. Or Mr. Fawkes. Or Junkrat. Or Mr. Rat. Or you can make up any ol’ pet name for me that you like.” 

“Mr.—”

“How about Pooky Bear?”

Mei just put her face in her hands and gave up, sighing through her fingers.

She couldn’t tell someone like him about Overwatch. Winston had offered her a place among them, but Overwatch as an entity had been made illegal and the world had changed so much in nine years that it felt like she was starting all over again. She’d taken it upon herself to head back out into a world that had left her behind, trying to catch up on everything she had missed. The environment summit in Sydney was supposed to be the start of her getting her career back on track. And like everything else in her life, it had gone completely off the rails.

At least one of theme seemed excited about this whole mess. Junkrat picked up her dirty meal tray, scraping a stray piece of egg away with his fingers and sucking them clean. It looked like he also sucked a healthy amount of dirt off the tips of them, and they came away slightly less gray than before. Mei wrinkled her nose at him, and he grinned back at her.

“Now I can understand that you got concerns, but it won’t be all bad. You can watch the telly whenever you like, I’ll get you some of Hog’s books, get you something proper to wear, and whatever else you want. Think of it as an impromptu vacation?” His long spine creaked as he leapt up off the ground, tossing the dirty tray into the dry basin of his makeshift sink. “Or a junker style sleepover! S’gonna get dark soon. You know, you’re lucky you’re not in with Roadhog. The sounds he makes when he snores, you’d think he was dyin’. You don’t snore, do you?”

“No. I don’t snore.” Mei glumly propped her chin atop her knees. She couldn’t be too terse with a man who, though annoying, seemed to have at least decent intentions towards her. She would still need to press the issue about getting a call out to her friends, but maybe one night would satisfy Junkrat’s savior complex and she could talk some sense into him later.

Maybe.

***

He’d talked her into it! The poor little not-doctor had just been confused this whole time, that was all. She’d been afraid that he was one of the blokes out to do her harm. But now she finally understood that he was the furthest thing from it, and a proper gent. Probably was still a bit shellshocked from it all, but he’d convinced her to see things his way for now. Still needed to keep an eye on her while she settled in, of course. She probably still thought she might get a signal out to someone, and unwittingly bring ruin upon them both. But he could talk some sense into her later.

Junkrat was sure of it.

What poor Mei needed now was to relax and de-stress. Frankly, he could use a de-stresser himself. It had been a hell of a day for them both. At least his balls had stopped aching, although his throat was going to be in a state for a while yet. But she’d just been scared and hadn’t meant it, so he could forgive her, of course.

He thought that maybe offering her a massage was the ticket, because nothing was more soothing than being all rubbed up on by someone who didn’t want to kill you. But for reasons he didn’t entirely understand, she still looked a little upset. At least she still wasn’t cringing away from him like before, but even though she was safe and she was fed and had a place to rest, she looked unhappy. Maybe it was just some sort of fancy lady problems that men like him would never understand. He would just have to try harder.

“Junkrat?” she said.

His heart had grown little wings which fluttered every time she said his name. Even when she called him ‘Mr. Rat’, which was still hilarious, he still loved any way she addressed him. Anything that fell out of those soft little pink lips could be nothing less than perfection.

Until she finished with “I’d like to be alone, please. Sorry.”

Scratch that. That was less than perfection, right there. He felt his heart sink, but quickly reminded himself that of course she was still all mixed up and scared. Fancy ladies were delicate things, after all, and she needed time to acclimate. Probably best to nix the massage and give her some space. So he brightened and nodded. “Of course, of course! Sure you got a lot on your mind, heh. Promise you, it’ll all look brighter in the morning. Gotta go talk shop with Hog anyway, but I’ll be back soon. Uh…You need anything?”

“No, thank you. I just…I just need to think. Sorry.”

Frowning, he rubbed awkwardly at one arm and suddenly wasn’t sure what to do with his hands. He eventually settled on shoving them into his torn pockets and nodding as he slouched on out the door. “Arright, arright. Guess it’s not much good for thinking if I’m yammering away. I’ll be back soon, though. So you just…think? Uh…Yeah.”

There was no answer and she wasn’t looking at him, and he couldn’t help feeling disheartened as he shut the door and locked her in.

Traipsing across the dusty yard, kicking an empty tin can along the way, he made his way to Roadhog’s side of the compound, in the much larger garage and farmhouse that the old bikie called home. Rapping loudly on the door beforehand, he took the liberty to invite himself in as he always did. Roadhog had given up on breaking him of that habit ages ago.

Hog was bereft of his mask, though somehow the dim lighting always seemed the conceal the man’s face anyway. He stood before his cookstove, the blue and red flames throwing odd shadows across features marred with scar tissue and the bristles of a white beard. The smell of something frying was heavy in the air, and Junkrat’s stomach promptly forgot that he had just eaten and growled for more.

“Oi, Roadie.” Rat scraped a chair out from the table, slumping down onto it. Sighing dramatically for attention, he leaned back and propped both peg and boot up onto the table.

“Guess she didn’t manage to kill you, then.” Hog remained on-task, not bothering to look his way.

“Nah, mate! Me and her, we had a real sit down together, talked it out, explained the rules to her. Uh…updates to that whole situation, actually. Did ya know she’s someone important?” Rat said, balancing his chair carefully on two legs just to keep himself busy.

Roadhog just grunted, giving his cookpan a shake.

Rat still jittered with nervous energy, continuing on. “Her name’s Mei, by the by. Mei-Ling Zhou. She’s a doctor, but not the right type of one so it don’t really matter. She’s got really pretty eyes. I know because that’s where I’ve been looking instead of her tits. See, I know how to be a gent. And it turns out she’s worth money, Roadie.”

“How much money?” Hog sprinkled sesame seeds onto the saucy chicken and fried noodles. Grumbling to himself, he pulled a smaller plate from the shelf nearby, slopping some of the cooking onto it before dumping the rest into a large mixing bowl, bringing both to the table and sliding the small portion over to his employer. Then he promptly shoved the younger man’s legs off his table and sent him tumbling onto the floor.

Rat landed with a crashing yelp and a rattle of spare parts and metal limbs. Leaping back upright and brushing himself off in a very offended way, he shot Hog a very brief glare before sitting at the table in the right way. Grabbing up a fork and shoveling noodles into his mouth, he spoke around his food. “Forget, but there was plenty of zeroes in it. There’s a reward for her return, see? I’ve already laid it out for her, and she’s game. We just got to keep her safe and quiet for a bit while the heat’s still on, and then we break for Sydney and come back with stacks of credits, and nobody in town the wiser.”

“All right,” Hog said, opening scarred lips to nibble with more delicate precision at a sliced chicken breast.

“So no splattering her pretty bits out on the sand!” Rat snapped, spraying soy sauce from his mouth in his haste. “She’s a fancy thing, really soft and delicate-like. Ya gotta be real gentle, can’t accidentally kill her or anything.”

“Hmm.”

“You got a lot of experience with fancy ladies, mate?”

“Hmm?”

“What do I gotta do to impress a fancy lady type? You know, to get her to like me?”

“…You?” Hog paused with his fork halfway to his mouth, looking his younger cohort up and down. Then he began laughing so hard that his entire body shoot, immense belly wobbling against the table. “Bwwwwrrahaaa-ha-ha-haaa!”

“Fuck you Hog! Fuck you!” Rat shrilled, hurling his fork and an empty cup at him. They bounced harmlessly off his gut. “You don’t know nothing about nothing! I can figure it out on my own!”

Hog reined in his laughter with a wet snort. “Warned you not to get attached to your new pet. Last time I saw you two, she’d choked you out in the shit heap and busted your balls open.”

“That was just a misunderstanding, an accident. That’s all. She didn’t mean it. She might still give it a go with me! You dunno anything!”

“Calm down, Rat. That’s the first thing you gotta do.”

Junkrat perked up both ears, leaning forward eagerly. Unfortunately, Hog took his time and devoured several more mouthfuls of noodles and chicken before saying anything more. Grumbling, Rat rapped his knuckles on the table. “Okay! Yeah! Calm down, that makes sense. Fancy ladies are easily spooked. Like a horse or one of those faintin’ goats on the videos. S’hilarious. You ever see a goat faint, Hog? Or a—”

“Don’t compare them to horses or goats.”

“Right, right, right! Okay, what else? Give me something good. We aren’t exactly startin’ off on a great foot here to begin with. Uh, she’s not too fond of me chaining her to a wall, and having no pants on, and some of the finer details.”

Roadhog uttered a massive sigh. “Why bother? Just turn her in for the money.”

Looking conflicted, Rat busied himself by shoving the last of his noodle slop into his bottomless stomach before wiping at his stained chin with one arm. “I dunno. I mean, I know we’re gonna put her up for the reward. But s’just…ya know? We got some time until then. And she’s not a junker so…I dunno. Maybe she don’t know who I am yet, so she won’t laugh me off right away? Like maybe there’s still a tiny chance. I’m still at least half a blue-blooded bloke, I still got the parts what matter. Maybe she won’t notice the bad bits? Maybe she… I dunno.”

Hog eyed him a little more carefully, frowning at something he must have said. “Hm. Rat—”

“And have you seen her tits? Fucking amazing. She’s an absolute beaut.”

“Other shoe always drops,” Hog sighed. “First, get her something to wear. Make her comfortable. And try not to overwhelm the girl with…you.”

“Okay, yeah! Pants first. I mean, she’s gotta wear pants before I can get in them, ya know what I’m saaaayin’?” Rat leaned to the side, jabbing his mate in the side with one uncomfortably pointy elbow. “Ya hear?”

Hog just sighed again.

“Yeah, yeah, okay. Just reel myself in maybe a little bit. Make sure she’s comfy while she’s here. Make sure those bludgers don’t come and try to get her back. Rip ‘em to shreds if they do, every last one of ‘em.”

“They better not even know she’s here,” Roadhog rumbled dangerously. “Keep her quiet. Can’t fight a whole army.”

“Quiet as a mouse, promise. Pile on those creature comforts until she’s happy here. Oh! Right, uh, you got any broccoli?”

“…Broccoli?”

“She said she won’t eat meat. Fuckin’ weirdest thing I’ve heard all day, but arright. Vegetarian. Vegetarians love broccoli, don’t they?”

“…You’re trying. I’ll get something.”

“Thanks, mate!”

Rat chattered away the hours while Hog mostly ignored him and focused on other things, and interrupted him only to point out that the sun was down and he had a guest to tend to. Scrambling back out the door with a wave and a renewed sense of hope, Junkrat went strutting back to his own side of the yard, sliding his keys into the proper locks in the proper order. He just had to keep his head, that was all. Keep things under control, and impress her, and she’d be begging for kisses and more by the end of the week.

Flinging open the door, he barreled through happily, crowing aloud. “I’m hooome! Mei? Mei! What’re you— OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”