#and then i would scream but won't let go
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for when a parent's heart has finally settled in peace:
when thranduil sees legolas for the first time since his son's trip for imladris and, there after, a suicide mission deadly quest to mordor in order to destroy the one ring — the realm is in ruins after the local battle but the woods, their woods, are freely breathing again. the hope is here, the life is back pulsing through the veins of the nature and the blood that was spilled is almost covered by freshly sprouted grass.
the grass that legolas lands on dismounting from his horse before the doors of his kingdom that he haven't seen flourishing in a long time. for a moment he is scared to go in, past the familiar gates and familiar halls of his childhood and teenage years. he had been at war for way too long. does he even remember what it feels like to be at peace?
disbelieving eyes follow him as he walks in, whispers surround his head like a swarm but he doesn't stop to greet his friends, doesn't share stories right from the threshold. legolas just wants to reach the throne hall, as soon as possible, and see the one whom he always wanted to reach, to help, to be good enough to —
legolas?! and the gasp behind his back is too choked, too heavy in the suddenly stilled air around him, that legolas is terrified to turn around. they both are.
legolas doesn't think he can handle the way his absence affected his father.
thranduil is scared he mistook someone else for the only child that he has.
it happens fast and legolas didn't have to make a decision himself as thranduil walks up to him, grabs his elbow, turns him around and legolas can't even process everything as frantic apologies start spilling from his lips. that's the most heartbroken legolas has seen his father in his not-so-long-for-elvish-standards life. but thranduil does not answer. he stares, his usually cold bluish-grey eyes jumping over legolas' face as if trying to force the brain to believe, convince those grieving soul and mind that legolas is actually here and seemingly undamaged. legolas is alive, breathing and talking and grasping his shoulders as this simple thought pulls the ground from under his feet.
you're alive... thranduil sobs out as hysteria violenty rocks through his body. alive... he tugs legolas down at the fall, pulls him into a hug so tight legolas coughs but doesn't try to get away from it. he needs it probably just as much as thranduil does.
we won, ada, he whispers into his father's usually strong and steady shoulder that was shaking now, we are free...
thranduil barely hears him, holding his son's head close, nuzzling his hair that were braided just the way he did legolas' hair before the trip to imladris.
i am so sorry, ada.
legolas feel the sudden need to pull back, wants to look at his father for a moment, but thranduil refuses, taking in the warmth of his son's body. so real, so alive.
i am so happy you're home, my little one. thank you for coming back.
they don't know how long they sit there, on the floor in the throne hall where thranduil caught legolas after coming back form his annual check up over injured and scared elves, but the dust is dancing in the air, the birds are singing familiarly somewhere up high in the canopies and it's quiet. calm. legolas is finally back. he's home.
and the father's arms will refuse to let him go for quite awhile.
#i am in my feels AGAIN#what am i doing?#to myself and to all of you#it's just hard not to think#my brain is in a constant state of fucking moving#but like it's so fucking heartbreaking i would weep if my child pulled a stunt like this and came back home alive and unspoiled#and then i would scream but won't let go#thranduil would too but he's tired#he's just happy now#thranduil oropherion#legolas greenleaf#lotr headcanons#legolas coming back to mirkwood#may writes
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Prompt 268
Fright Knight sighs, running a clawed hand through his hair in an attempt to stop the flames from flickering into being. It had been far too long since he had taken a human-ish form. His human-ish form. Ugh. He didn’t exactly care for his human form after so long as a ghost, but needs must he supposed.
Especially with the whole, we’re going to punch a backdoor into the literal daycare part of the Infinite Realms and be surprised when literal toddlers go exploring.
Well, at least it got him off of guard duty for a bit, which was relieving. Not that he didn’t love the darkness, but it got boring in the shadow of his sword for literal centuries with nothing else happening. He was a warrior for Realm’s sake! Borderline an Ancient in both power and age! He wasn’t meant to stay so still for so long.
So while ghostling wrangling wasn’t exactly in his area of expertise, he could definitely gather them back up to the Realms. And deal with the curs who had decided to attack literal babies.
The Daycare area was already understaffed due to just how large it was, and the one in charge of this section had practically sobbed to the Council (In another world they would have been put on hold for a century in line for their concerns, and then more once a Sarcophagus was opened, but they had told the other ghosts in distress, causing others to let them go up in said line) how they were almost certain they had felt at least one core form Outside the realms thanks to the breach.
Which had understandably put everyone at an uproar.
So here he was slipping between shadows to do reconnaissance and take stock of if any Ghostlings had left the city. And gently scruffing those he comes across in exasperation because what are you doing, ghostling? Look at the mess, what would your caretaker say?
#Danny Phantom#Prompts#Fright Knight#Shadow Core Fright Knight#Space Core Danny#Very fae-elf vibes for FK’s human-ish form#POV you’re an Amity Parker & this Tank of a man (being?) appears & grabs the ghost & scolds them like a child#Yes this includes Phantom#FK: Where is your caretaker ghostling?#Phantom (ready to fight & very wrong-footed now): My what#FK:#FK: oh no Sir Yaya was right this ghostling is newly formed-#Ghost Hunters: *Shooting*#FK with an armful of ghostlings: Were it not for the presence of literal infants I would kill you where you stand &#trap you in your worst nightmare for eternity while your body decays around you#Let FK have glowy tattoos i beg of thee#FK returning to the Zone to find another toddler (Vlad) that also formed Outside & also sickly at the Keep: I am going to scream#Accidental Dad Knight#More like the preschool teacher gathering up everyone from a field trip lol#Nightmare has bags on her side to carry the ghostlings in but several won't let go of FK now that they've been shot at again#Kerian “Rian” Fright Knighte: *So close to fighting the humans even with the Rules*
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- No, this is one duel I refuse to lose! -
#“I'm staying by your side!” and I cry all my tears#“I won't let you leave me!” and the tears just don't stop#“I want to linger in this moment... but I have a mission!” I'm desperate about them#Yuma fought so fiercely to save Astral from his fate#he fought with all himself to keep Astral with him#he used everything he had learned from Astral and the duels fought at his side to find another ending for them#the way Yuma proclaimed that he would stay at Astral's side#He was holding on to every hope to save Astral (and Utopia symbolized that same hope)#and you can see so clearly the determination and the desperation of Yuma#it's in his expression it's in his words he wouldn't have let Astral die no matter what#even if that meant defeat Astral#even though Astral's mission had the purpose of protecting their worlds Yuma wouldn't have leave him sacrifice himself#The line about how the memories of the duels they had fought together has become Yuma's flesh and blood#is just like what Yuma had said in ep 48#but here Yuma is screaming all at this to Astral#I love these two too much#and yet they make my heart cries#they wanted to stay together but their fate was already decided and just one of them has accepted that (although with sadness)#I want them to be happy#This duel destroys me every time I read it#Now excuse me as I go to cry in a corner because of these panels#astral zexal#astral yugioh#yuma tsukumo#zexal#yugioh zexal#yu gi oh zexal#ygo zexal#zexal manga#zexal manga spoiler
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#currently on the worst road trip of my whole entire life! well. i don't want to jinx it lmao but#today i popped TWO TIRES at once in the middle of the Katy Freeway in Houston TX (the widest highway in the US; 26 lanes btw)#managed to make it over to the shoulder without DYING but then had to sit there for like an hour? and panic called a tow truck because duh#I know how to change a tire but I was – again – sitting on the shoulder of the widest freeway on the continent so#anyway I called a tow; a guy showed up. I assumed it was the tow! turned out it was not. but he helped me put on the spare and then was lik#“follow me to my shop I can do the tires for you” and I was like okay! 👍 but then the ACTUAL tow called me and I realized this was#just a random guy (very nice up to that point but then I got scared about following him to a secondary location?) and so I didn't lmao#I just kept driving and didn't follow him but the guy on the phone was then mad at me because I wasn't where I said I would be because#AGAIN – I thought the original guy WAS the tow company that I called? but anyway guy 2 on the phone was like “YOU OWE ME $200!!!!”#and I said for what? also how would I pay you? and he tried to get me to cash app him lmao?? I didn't. I hung up on him#he called me like 6 more times yelling at me until I finally just blocked his number 💀#however NOW at this point I'm driving on one spare tire and one rapidly-flattening second tire and I still have 3 hours left to get where#I was going for the night and to top it all off I'm in the middle of a city I've only been to one time before? so I manage to get to a hote#like a nice-ish one where I'm like “okay if I get stuck here this won't be the end of the world”#because keep in mind today is a national holiday so basically everything is closed!!!! btw!!!!!#but eventually I'm sitting there and it's literally 100F outside and I remember oh right lol I have car insurance which pays for a tow#(a normal one; not a random one I panic-found on google who calls me screaming at me to cash app him $200)#so anyway I call my insurance and the guy on the phone is very nice and is like “it's okay; we'll have someone to you in 45 min”#and I'm like okay. OKAY. 🙌💪 I am a strong independent woman who is figuring this out and no longer on the side of the highway#but instead in a nice calm neighborhood and all I have to do is wait 45 min and everything will be okay#one hour goes by. I call back. get redirected to the tow company that was dispatched. guy says oh! is my guy not there yet?#I say no. he says okay – I'll have him call you. hangs up.#okay. 20 more min go by. guy finally calls me. says “I'm 20-25 min away” at this point I've been waiting about an hour and a half#I say. okay? okay. 30 more minutes go by. I try to call the guy back. straight to voicemail. three more calls. three more no answers.#I call my insurance back. sit on hold for 15 min. eventually get put through to a different person who's like “okay let me check on him”#get put on hold. eventually she comes back and says “okay he says 15 minutes” I've been waiting over 2 hours at this point. I have to PEE#I just... burst into tears. on the phone with this poor random woman from Geico Insurance. I'm bawling my eyes out.#she was trying to get claim info from me but I'm crying so hard she's like “oh baby no. okay. okay. we can get that from you tomorrow.”#when you cry so hard that even the insurance company is like “you know what we're just going to let this one slide”#anyway guy eventually shows up. he's very nice even though I hate him a little for being so late. he drives me to an OPEN TIRE SHOP
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Tag drop: Dorian Pavus
#dorian pavus. [ he says we're alike. too much pride. once i would have been overjoyed to hear him say that. now I'm not certain. ]#dorian pavus: ic. [ you find joy in it not shame. it shows. / why be ashamed? power should be respected. not swept under the carpet. ]#dorian pavus: inquiries. [ stop talking like you're waiting for applause. / what? there's no applause? ]#dorian pavus: countenance. [ i'm here to set things right. also? to look dashing. that part's less difficult. ]#dorian pavus: introspection. [ selfish i suppose. not to want to spend my entire life screaming on the inside. ]#dorian pavus: meta. [ you inspired me with your marvelous antics. you’re shaping the world. how could i aspire to do any less? ]#dorian pavus: little notes. [ living a lie. it festers inside you like poison. you have to fight for what’s in your heart. ]#dorian pavus: etc. [ you can't call me pampered. nobody's peeled a grape for me in weeks. ]#dorian pavus: magic. [ don't your spells whisper things to you? what is and could be? music in the mind of strange faraway places? ]#dorian pavus: inquisition. [ we're going to get lost and starve to death. aren't we? a glorious end for the inquisition. ]#dorian pavus: tevinter. [ despite appearances. we care deeply. about everything. we have no reserve. not in war and not in love. ]#dorian pavus: felix. [ even in illness he was the best of us. with him around you knew things could be better. ]#dorian pavus: gereon. [ we used to talk about how we could make real change in the imperium. then he gave up. he stopped trying. ]#dorian pavus: halward. [ i only wanted what was best for you. / no. you wanted the best for you. your fucking legacy. ]#dorian pavus: aquinea. [ her blame was cold and smothering. never spoken but always present. he couldn't face that. not yet. ]#dorian pavus: inquisitor. [ you have too many people asking you for everything under the sun. i won't be one of them. ]#dorian pavus: solas. [ you startled me. you're always so... nondescript. / please speak up. i cannot hear you over your outfit. ]#dorian pavus: varric. [ what do you think sparkler? ten royals says the next thing we run into farts fire. / taken i win either way. ]#dorian pavus: cullen. [ gloat all you like. i have this one. / are you sassing me commander? i didn't know you had it in you. ]#dorian pavus: cassandra. [ blue scarf? why would i be wearing such a thing? / It's a painting. work with me. it'll be fantastic. ]#dorian pavus: cole. [ you say you're handsome all the time. am i? i can't tell. / you're all right. might want to rethink the hats. ]#dorian pavus: vivienne. [ i received a letter the other day dorian. / truly? it's nice to know you have friends. ]#dorian pavus: blackwall. [ point is. you should let yourself off the hook. i know bad men and you're not one. ]#dorian pavus: sera. [ you magic me: i'll put three arrows in your eye. / now we can live together in peace and harmony. ]#dorian pavus: bull. [ no qunari would accept a tevinter mage unless it was a ruse. when should i expect a knife in the back? ]#dorian pavus: corypheus. [ one of yours? / one of mine? like a pet? a giant darkspawn hamster with aspirations of godhood? ]
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anxiety has been building up over the past couple days and it feels like it's winding itself evermore tighter around me and immobilizing me or as if i were a coil that's being stretched to its maximum capacity and about to snap i've been feeling paralyzed ever since i woke up my mind keeps circling back to things i said or did months ago but it's not just social interactions it's a general feeling of anxiety a shower hasn't helped i've tried physically shaking it off i keep making weird noises to drown out my thoughts but nothing is helping and i am this close to tears
#argh but angrily hitting the keys typing this out has helped a teeny tiny bit at least#i wanted to meet up with a friend for her lunch break in an hour and that would likely do me good because she's just nice to be around#interactions with her don't cause me anxiety and she'll likely just tell me about the guy she started dating recently#and while i won't have anything insightful to say that i can just let her talk#but my hair is still wet and i haven't eating and i am starting to feel shaky and there is so much to be done around the flat#i don't feel like i'll be ready to actually go out#i just want to scream and cry out of sheer frustration#the almost crying isn't because i am sad i am just so... idk wound tight and i can't take it anymore#i feel like i am losing my mind and i don't know what to do with myself#i just don't know where it is coming from and why now#maybe a lobotomy?#meins
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Hey as a super introverted but not shy person I'd just like to say the jokes about extroverts "adopting" introverts to "get them out of their shell" are actually completely unfunny and it just goes to show how little respect a lot of y'all have for the fact that we genuinely don't want excessive social interaction and that y'all are forcing us to do something that brings us extreme physical and mental discomfort because you perceive our introversion as a failing rather than as purely a difference in personality.
We don't need your "help" to socialize. We're not children. We're simply not interested in spending every waking second of our lives talking to people and being talked at in return.
#again i scream from the rooftops that there is a monumental chasm between being shy and actually being an introvert#a shy person is someone who's afraid of social interaction. an extrovert can be naturally shy.#a shy person can WANT lots of social interaction but simply have not learned to feel comfortable in social situations.#people who are just very introverted simply have little desire or capacity for excessive human interaction.#we're not “afraid” of it. we just don't enjoy it and it wears us out.#you don't need to swoop in and save us because we can't handle ourselves. we're perfectly fine thank you#extroverts are constantly demanding that we get out of our comfort zones but few of you are willing to make the alternative more comfortabl#if you're a very extroverted person please do not take it upon yourself to jokingly “adopt” introverts you meet.#it's not funny and it's not helpful. it's irritating that you perceive our quietness and low social battery as something that needs “fixing#we won't miraculously learn to love and be comfortable with excessive human interaction. that's not how we're wired and that's OKAY#i'm honestly getting so sick of the “the lonely introvert and the extrovert who adopted them” memes#i can guarantee you that if you are an extrovert who operates this way then your introvert “friend” is actually probably very uncomfortable#and just don't want to say anything because they think it would be rude to bring up the fact that they don't want what you want from them#this does NOT mean extroverts and introverts cannot be friends nor am i saying all extroverts are annoying or that they all do this#i'm simply saying that if you are very extroverted and you have a friend who's very introverted#then it's on you to be aware of your introvert friend's limited social battery and STOP pressuring them to just “put up with it”#don't spend every second with them constantly talking. be willing to spend some time just in the quiet.#be willing to let them bow out of something if they're exhausted and are low on social energy.#don't expect them to want to come to every meeting or party or get-together because it WILL drain them completely.#be willing to let them spend time alone when they need to to recharge.#letting an introvert cool off and recharge when they need to is ALWAYS going to make social situations less stressful for them.#PLEAAAAASE take their feelings into account and understand that they do NOT perceive social interactions the way you do.#most very introverted people do not find socialization relaxing or invigorating. they don't do it to unwind#they have to unwind AFTER lots of social interaction#that's about it. thank you and good night
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2024 year of charlie gets a fucking break (hopefully. maybe. tbd.)
#ctxt#i'm on medication that's reduced my post-hysterectomy pain by about 70%#i have an intake appointment with a physical therapist in march & a referral to start trigger point injections#to hopefully finally recover as completely as possible from the nightmarish neuropathy that's plagued me since uuuhhhh#going on 2 years ago. holy shit. genuinely can't believe i've been surviving & functioning as well as i have for this long#while suffering a disabling & extremely painful surgical complication. fuck my original surgeon for brushing me off during that time#but the new provider i'm working with is so responsive & thorough in her approach & seems genuinely committed#to helping me finally get relief after all this time. she listens to my feedback & is flexible in her approach#and her assistant is a great communicator who's been handling most of the logistics of care coordination for me#and what a huge fucking relief that is. to not have to drag my doctors kicking & screaming towards maybe treating me eventually#i wanna cry. i finally feel like i'm being taken seriously and cared for. and i'm not BETTER yet (might never be the same as i was pre-op)#but i actually feel optimistic for the first time in over a year that i won't just have to deal with this agonizing pain on my own forever#i might actually see enough improvement that i can start to get back to living my life instead of just surviving it#money is tighter than it's been since i got laid off during early pandemic and that's stressing me out#but i promised myself that i would put my health first in 2024 and that means only working the bare minimum needed to pay my bills for now#genuinely i so fucking needed a break. i felt like i was trying to swim through a meat grinder last year#and it wasn't until i ended up in the ER about it that i finally was able to take my own pain seriously enough#to put my foot down & make some necessary changes that are now letting me focus on Getting Well With Myself at last#in hindsight it's like. really freaking me out how thoroughly i was able to compartmentalize & dissociate from how miserable i was#bc nobody who had the ability to help me would take me seriously & my shitty boss was like. extremely textbook emotionally abusive#and on one hand that was a survival mechanism that kept me on my feet during one of the worst times of my life. so props to myself there#but it was also very maladaptive how long & unnecessarily it went on before i snapped out of it & escalated things for my own safety#it was the same helpless frustration i often felt as a kid of like 'well nobody is on my side but me so i gotta suck it up & help myself'#and i think the family trauma shit that was going on last year definitely contributed to that. idk sense of doubling across time?#and things had to get Extremely Bad before they were bad enough for me to realize that although i felt like it#i am no longer an isolated & parentified island of a child who is beholden to the whims of ignorant & indifferent adults#i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed#instead of just enduring them as if i'm stuck there with no agency or chance to change things#and i have a really solid support system who helped me feel like it was possible to stand up for myself to get the help i desperately need#chronic blogging
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On a scale from 1 to 10 how weird would it be to write a little thank you/goodbye card to a colleague you really like where you'd tell him you learned a lot from him and appreciate his support and had fun working with him? It's a 10, isn't it.
#oh gooooooood i don't want him to leave#(but I'm glad he's getting out of this company. he was suffering there and it's the best decision for him)#but I'm So bad at expressing sincere feelings out loud without making it sound kinda stupid#and i also don't just wanna write a message via teams on his last day or something#but well#there's still a few months left for me to think about it#i just feel like his effort and kindness shouldn't go unacknowledged#I'm sure he'll get a lot of nice words and probably a goodbye present from his colleagues#but I'm not really a real part of the team and i probably won't even be there on his last day#so a little card with some words of gratitude and appreciation would be my solution but what if that's too much#idk why i think any kind of sincere expression of emotions is a crime worth the death penalty but..#(no i know. they taught me that in therapy.)#i would probably be happy about something like this and wouldn't find it strange or too much#so why do I think other people would#oh well let's just see how i feel about it in August#no need to worry about it for so long#void screams#i still feel sad#but honestly happy he'll be free soon
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Man. All I do these days is fail to meet expectations and then get upset at myself for failing to meet those expectations. This sucks.
#the dragon sings his songs#blowing out smoke#i'm supposed to be taking this break from my course as an opportunity to do the things I've been meaning to do and I've just been rotting—#—in bed on my phone and sleeping in and jacking off like i hardly even get up to eat or go to the bathroom#side note i know this is a textbook sign of depression and burnout (comma) most likely both (comma) but who in my Chinese family is going—#—to believe that? def not mom who'll just scream at me for not sucking it up and pushing through it and not dad who won't do shit#my grandparents might believe me but there's a language barrier on mom's side plus 公公 seems to think I'm the perfect infallible capable—#—[granddaughter] and I can't bear to break his heart with the truth#and then on dad's side they'll probably be sympathetic but everything i tell them makes its way back to my parents and that'll just result—#—in ont huge blowup that'll drive another wedge between mom and dad. and I mean PLEASE hurry up and get divorced but I also don't want 爺爺—#—and 嫲嫲 to get caught in the crossfire#plus I'm supposed to be helping them esp now that 爺爺 is running out of time as an active able-bodied person but instead of doing that I—#—spent all day in bed. which is not helping my guilt and shame on top of everything else i have to deal with (comma) let alone his workload#today's such a nice sunny beautiful day too which makes me feel even worse for not even going for a walk or anything#it's still light out so i could but sunk cost fallacy is kicking my ass plus i have Mandarin class kn a couple hours#and k know it's a couple HOURS but I'd have to get dressed and set a timer and everything and just the thought is so overwhelming that I—#—just can't. i'd ask to be institutionalized if it wasn't for the rampant ableism in the mental health field plus the fact that—#—institutionalization is just an extension of incarceration#if only the people who have power over me would just listen and actually take care of me so i wouldn't have pushed myself to this point
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if there is one thing i will never recover from with crestoria's crossover being gone for good, it's that we'll never ever know the story behind transgressor yuri.
if there are two things i will never recover from with crestoria's crossover being gone for good, it's that leon and aegis' loyal friendship will never ever return.
#GTF Crestoria Things#it is rare for leon to be on that kind of respect level with someone let alone risk his own reputation as a traitor to let someone escape#by which i mean in destiny he only ever rly did that for stahn bc stahn was the ONLY person screaming over leon's suffering#and BEGGING him to talk to him and not take on everything alone#so i'd be hard pressed to say he truly made that last second decision for any other reason#other than stahn getting through to him bc if stahn hadn't said anything nobody else was all that worried abt doing so#for him to do that for aegis even in a setting where he wasn't going to be in mortal peril#still risked him becoming a transgressor if anyone had had time to record that#i.e. local dude helps local sinned traitor escape and is by association also a sinner#and that may have affected the ease of his search in restoring stahn to human form#which stahn prob would not have minded but it would still increase the difficulty for leon's search all the same#with yuri forget it im going to be permanently S T R E S S E D that we will never know that story#and i don't think they'd play into the possessed-not-really-yuri thing again after doing it in asteria#and in rays it was only a cameo thing. i fully believe that was actual yuri bc it would fit into his canon-mixed-with-crestoria#so unless the devs for some reason decide to tell us what their plans were for yuri we will never know#and it's been too long now since cresty went down like do i have to write this shit myself#they robbed me of transgressor yuri meeting vicious too woe is me cresty team#im still so desperate for them to turn crestoria back on like pls it's not just my crops anymore it's me too im also dead#i know they won't turn it back on and heck all the data for it is probably long since byebye BUT#even if i enjoy the manga it's not the same without the crossover#i would kill for them to give us that game back it was my fave gacha ever ;;#i say that with the full bias of the fact that i obliterated everything with default leon and completely maxed him in every aspect#but also just the fact that i want cresty's crossover back s o f u c k i n g b a d
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desperately trying not to have a panic attack about university hehehe
#literally the only thing i'm supposed to do is study#am i doing it? nope of course. i have less than a month left to take exams and i should take at least 2 but i haven't opened a book in more#than a month and the thought fills me with dread and i literally physically cannot do it#it's possible that going back to my uni flat would help (it would be a change in scenery for sure) but on wednesday it will be a year since#my father died and there's this fucking church thing and my mother won't force me to stay but i really should. shouldn't i?#after all it's already saturday and i've already wasted 40 days. what's half a week more?#i keep staring at the list of exams and i know that if i spent every waking second studying i could get back on track and graduate when i'm#supposed to graduate but 1. it's not healthy and 2. my brain refuses to study for ONE exam let alone 14 so it's unrealistic#and at this point i should just accept that i'm going to graduate one year late and one year after all my friends because last year i did#absolutely nothing. and last autumn started out great. i moved. i was organised. and then the first week of october my mother was at the#hospital and i had to go home for a week and somehow i let that week screw up my entire semester#and now i'm panicking because i have only 18 days before the exam i'm supposed to take and it doesn't feel enough for everything i have to#study but it's not going to get better if i just let all the days pass without doing anything but i can't i can't i can't#so yeah i should be kind to myself and accept i'll need one additional year for all the exams and take it slowly which is the only way to#actually get things done. but i don't want to. i don't want to tell my mother that i failed at the one thing i'm supposed to be doing#but i really really can't it's hard and i'm failing and my head is screaming that i don't deserve hobbies and yet i keep wasting my days#it's one am and i should either sleep or relax because it's not like i can do anything now and yet i feel like i need to fix my entire life#right this second or i'll explode. i'm so tired of my thoughts.#please ignore all this ^ because i know most of it is irrational or whatever and i DON'T WANT to hear rational things#if you've read until here and really want to say something just tell me that right now i'm allowed to relax#any other comment would make me feel worse#💖💖💖#**one month left to take exams this semester not forever hahaha but then i'd be supposed to take all the remaining exams in the summer#and i can't possibly take 14 exams between now and july which is why i'm panicking (there are other logistically confusing things in what i#said but i wanted to clear this one up at least lmao) (i'm already feeling vaguely better can't you see?)
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my school president ep.5 really made my day especially after 2 weeks of drought and i kept smiling throughout the episode i swear they're my babies
i loved every tinngun moments and now that i'm idk having an hyperfixation i keep thinking about how young (and inexperienced?) gemini and fourth are but despite that they're doing such a great job at understanding & portraying their characters *feeling like a proud mom moment
#tinn standing next to gun was smooth and made me scream into the void#AND what about the moment when gun went to take the order instead of tinn#bcz the customer was showing a bit of interest for his school president?? what a about it!#their matching tracksuit made them reach the next level of cute boyfriends#i won't go into the interview there is so much to say .#i can only say! a lot of talking about dating in ep5 but not enough dating!#ok but their hug made me scream into my pillow bcz gun baby boy :((#tbh i was scared they would finish the ep on that scene but thankfully they didn't and we got nice comfort moment yes i cry#tinn being a worried boyfriend the whole ep and gun confiding to him i love them sm#gun misunderstanding at the end pls don't let it last#tinn literally needs to spell it out but he's on the right track#trust in the process#my darlings<3#my school president the series#gemini norawit#fourth nattawat
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#you ever have a nearly pervect day and then one tiny thing happens that ruins the entire thing?#I'm trying to get over it#like. a glass broke earlier and i barely blinked over it#the kids were wrestling and screaming at 9pm and i didn't have an overstimulated meltdown#but a friend. in jest! called me a liar#and now I'm shaking crying angry hurt vulnerable#i asked for an apology and to not call me that again. especially in text when i can't HEAR the tone. it will never be a joke to me#they listened of course and said sorry#but god fucking damn it what the HELL kind of response was that?!#how scarred AM I?!#a friend can't make a joke without my brain derailing and throwing me back in time?#i blame the month. Thanksgiving through New Years is the worst. Even worse than September. WHY DID THEY RUIN EVERYTHING GOOD#i can't even have my own birthday without THAT being tainted either#i hate this time of year. i thought it would get better. yet here i am. crying. because someone called me a liar the same week as finals#anyway. if you see me having fun this time of year. just let me live in the moment. it won't last long.#hey Google. okay Empty by Letdown.#and then Walked Through Hell by Andon Seabra#gonna go process my emotions through song cause I'd rather call a friend but no one would be available right now#hence this stupid post anyway#later gator. I'll be alright by morning#EDIT TEN MINUTES LATER: the next song that played was Castle by Halsey and HOLY! SHIT?!#if that wasn't perfect timing musical therapy i don't know what was. 'there's no use crying about it'#AMAZING
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It's some weird fucked up type of torture to have so much anger and pent up energy in a body that can't even use that energy without pain and fatigue!!
#things are culminating#like I knew they would#but GOD CAN THEY NOT?#I want to cry and scream but I have to hold it together#there's no other option#I mean I can cry no one's stopping me there#it just hurts so bad#once this upcoming week is over I'm going to work so fucking hard on getting better#and healing#and whatever else the fuck I need to do#even if it sucks because I won't let it get worse than it is now
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The sudden realization that if my trip doesnt cancel that I will some how have to some how get back into nc which means driving down into Alabama and then back into nc which means driving for like 25/26 hours (instead of ten) then packing on the 3rd, going out on the 4th. Which means leaving tomorrow but I probably won't know until late tomorrow if my trip is canceled or not
This isn't even taking into consideration all the safety/prepping issung
#Real life#Backpacking job#Part of me wants to be like there's no way its not canceled#But also banking on that means that it definitely will stay scheduled#Screaming in stress#I'm going to be so fucking exhausted if I have to do this#Again this is just timing not even what I'd have to do to prep and be safe and bring resources in with me like???#Omg where would I even get food for the trip????#The airports closed commercially?!!!#Please god let my boss call me tonight to tell me that the trip is canceled#I seriously won't know what to do if it isnt#Welp there goes my writing motivation
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