#and then i was like actually no this should be SKETCHBOOK'S sleepy lie in. just their moment. sorry kids byee

[airborneice]

@sketchbookweek Day 1 - Adventure / Home

ok so what's that quote that's like. what is there in heaven that i can't find next to you on an autumn morning

[takuyakistall]

selcouth | leech twins

Synopsis: An unexpected encounter with a certain pair of twins by the beach.

Tags: Leech twins/Yuu, fluff

Tagging: @myuminn

Notes: Your raffle prize! Thank you so much for joining and for letting me write your Yuu. This was enjoyable to write, I hope you like it!

The gentle, warm breeze caressed Yuu's cheeks as they sat crossed-legged on a huge rock by the shore. The occasional squawking of the seagulls, the sound of the waves crashing against the sand was enough to give them some sense of serenity. Throughout the whole day they were sitting here, they had their pen and sketchbook resting on their lap as they tried to take in the view and replicate fragments of it on their sketchbook.

It was a bit amusing to think about how accustomed they already are in this foreign world. Everything was unusual, they didn't know anything when they were suddenly thrown into this bizarre world. It was terrifying at first, anyone in their place would feel the same—or so they liked to think. Although with the help of certain friends they made along the way, they learned how to love the current reality they faced despite how wrong it may seem.

They let out a tired sigh, setting down the sketchbook and the pen and placed it beside them. They stretched out their arms, eliciting a small groan when they heard a bone make a popping noise. The sunset was beautiful today. Various shades of red and orange-tinted the whole scene—even in a different world, it was nice to know that some things never change. It was oddly comforting for them.

"Oya, Yuu-san?" A sudden voice sliced through the serene silence, making Yuu jolt up from their place and frantically looked at the owner of the voice.

"Eh~? Shrimpy is here?" Two of them. Any other student would've tensed up, sudden nervousness clawing at the pits of their stomach as they catch a glimpse of a certain pair of twins going toward their direction. Oddly enough, Yuu is part of the minority that felt nothing of the sorts, or rather, they felt more relaxed around them.

The tension faded from their shoulders as they let out a curious gasp, "Floyd-senpai? Jade-senpai?" It was a blessing in disguise—they would've never expected the twins to wind up here at the beach of all places, don't they have other things to attend to? Of course, the first thing to ask them was—!

"What are you doing here?" It was a question out of pure curiosity. The only reason why Yuu winded up here was because of the built-up stress over the past week, they barely got enough sleep, tossing and turning whenever they attempted to. Overworking theirself was another thing too. Despite being a student under special circumstances, they were not exempt from the expectations teachers had for the students in a prestigious school. Being magic-less was already big enough of a disadvantage, they have to work twice as hard as a normal student.

Of course, Floyd didn't even bother answering the question as he made his way from his brother's side to Yuu's side. Sitting down beside you on the giant rock with a lollipop candy inside his mouth, holding the stick as he removed it from his mouth to speak, "We should be asking you the same thing, no one usually goes out this far."

Yuu opened their mouth to respond but before they could do, Jade suddenly made his way towards them too—sitting on the opposite end of Yuu as he let out a small hum. "Floyd is correct. It's indeed usual to see someone like you stray this far from the school grounds." Jade mused.

Yuu squinted, wanting to avoid answering the question as they didn't know the answer theirself. That was a lie, of course; they knew why and how they ended up here but, would it be any fun if they just answered their question seeing as how the twins themselves didn't answer theirs? "I don't know either." They acted out, scratching their cheek lightly as if to feign cluelessness.

Floyd didn't want to let this slide, he knew better than to believe the white lies that came from their lips. Although one glance at their expression after saying that lie, so peaceful with an underlying tone of heartache reflected in their eyes, he couldn't help but change his mind. Surely, they must have a reason why they held such a painstakingly heartbreaking look in their face?

"Is that so?" It was a question that came from Jade's lips but oddly enough, he wasn't looking for an answer. "Shrimpy~, you need to be more careful next time. Who knows what might happen and you might get lost." Floyd decided to play along after all, sticking out his tongue as if to make fun of Yuu. They just chuckled in response, a hand going to their neck.

"My, don't tease Yuu-san that much. I'm sure they have a decent sense of direction, am I right?" Even though his words were defending Yuu, the tone of his voice implied otherwise. It was situations like these that made Yuu think that the twins really were alike in some aspects. They couldn't help but let out a small chuckle.

"Don't worry, Senpai. I won't get lost that easily." They said in response to both of the twins, it was hard to tell whether or not they were kidding about that. Silence took over the atmosphere once again and yet, oddly enough, it wasn't that awkward. Perhaps it was the presence of the Leech twins? Yuu found their presence as a source of comfort.

It was weird, yes, they'll admit it. Though in their defense, feelings are hard to control—and it's harder when they're stuck in an unfamiliar yet fascinating world. It couldn't be helped, Yuu was also a growing teen like any other student in the school. Save for maybe a few exceptions like Leona or Lilia.

Floyd fumbled a bit in his seat, saying something incoherent under his breath. He looked at Yuu at the corner of his eye and he felt something tug at him with the strings of his heart. His lips formed a thin line, the almost unnoticeable hue of pink tinting his cheeks.

Jade was as calm as ever, admiring the view of the beautiful sunset along with the other two. He kept quiet, the graceful poise he always retained during normal days still present until now—it was astounding. He didn't like being uncertain at all. When he glanced at Yuu, a certain kind of uncertainty loomed over his mind as something unreadable flashes over his expression. Yet, he retained his mask—smoothing over the cracks he may have caused as he let out a quiet sigh.

Yuu let out a yawn, eyes droopy and their whole body felt heavy. "I'm sleepy…" they let out, trying their best to stay awake. Yet the urge was too strong for them to simply ignore so they found theirself resting their head against someone's shoulder. Floyd, in particular.

His body stiffened up slightly, surprised at how much Yuu lets down their guard around them—it was unusual. Although he told himself he should've expected this, they weren't exactly normal after all. Coming from another world and all of that jazz. He didn't dare move his head to glance at them and just stayed perfectly still as if to not bother them.

Jade saw that from the corner of his eye, hands twitching slightly when he saw it. "Oya, it seems like someone is sleepy." He chuckled, lifting a hand to place it on their head—giving it a soft ruffle before retracting it back to his side. A warm gaze falling into his indifferent eyes. Floyd suddenly complained, "Eh? Why is shrimpy leaning on me?" One look at him and it was enough to know that he said those words just to cover up his face which was tinted light pink.

"Now, now, Floyd. You mustn't wake them up." Jade told his brother in a hushed tone, bringing a finger up to his lips—an indicator for him to seal his lips shut or to lower his voice.

Floyd may have been grumbling about this under his breath but in truth, he personally didn't mind it. In fact, he may even go to the extent of thinking that he liked it!

"Tch, what a pain." He clicked his tongue, the annoyed tone in his voice betraying the blush that spread on his lovely, lovely cheeks. He couldn't pinpoint exactly what he felt like, multiple emotions playing out inside his head and his head—Shrimpy was confusing him too much! Though the usual response he would show was to click his tongue and move on, feigning annoyance. Or perhaps he wasn't really feigning that feeling, who knows?

Yuu stirred a little, knocking over their pen off the ledge of the rock. Thankfully, it didn't go to the water but it was a close call. Jade stood up and excused himself from the two, on his way to pick up the pen near the shore.

Alone for a brief moment.

Floyd glanced ever so slightly at the person leaning on him, dozing off without another care in the world. 'They must be tired.' He thought. Floyd didn't really think about his next actions, he usually went with the flow—it's how he kept a free and unhinged lifestyle up until now.

Slowly, he turned his head around while wrapping his arm around their shoulders—his actions were slightly filled with hesitation. Afraid that they might wake up and question what he was about to do. In the end, he went along with it anyway.

He placed a chaste kiss on their head, his surprisingly soft yet rough lips making contact with their head. The action was light enough so it wouldn't wake them up. When he pulled away, his face was redder than before. Cursing at himself underneath his breath.

"Is this it?"

"It seems so."

"Then I'll put them here."

"Make sure to be gentle-- Ah! You just dropped them like a sack. Nice going, Floyd."

"Shut it. See? They're still fast asleep. No biggie." Floyd waved his hand dismissively, already making his exit through the door, leaving Jade behind to clean up after his mess.

Jade could only let out a sigh, staring at his brother's back in disbelief before averting his gaze to Yuu on their bed. As an attempt, he tried to put them under the covers and actually succeeded. It was nice to see that despite the rough attempts, they were still fast asleep—'How cute.' He thought.

He stared at their face for a solid minute, incomprehensible thoughts running through his mind before lifting up his hand to remove the glasses from their face. Folding them and placing them on the bedside table, he wouldn't want them to break when they twist or turn now, wouldn't he?

He allowed himself another moment of weakness, a fond gaze replacing his once neutral expression. Of course, he wouldn't let anyone see him like this and the only reason why he is the way he is right now is because of the absence of his twin brother.

Gently, with enough courage mustered up, he cupped their face as his face inched closer and closer. Only centimeters away before speeding up and placing a quick kiss on their forehead. Pulling away before he gets caught, although a part of him—just a small part—wanted Yuu to stirr up awake.

He stood up, dusting his clothes a bit before walking away. Muttering a soft goodnight before closing the door shut, heading home towards his own dormitory along with Floyd.

Omake!

Yuu woke up, hair all tangled up and messy. "What happened yesterday…?" Memories were a blur and they couldn't really recall anything else after meeting the twins by the shore. It feels like they just woke up from a very very long, fleeting dream.

[macchiatooru]

ᴬⁿ ᵃˡˡ⁻ⁿⁱᵍʰᵗᵉʳ ʷⁱᵗʰ ᵗʰᵉ ³ʳᵈ ᵍʸᵐ ˢqᵘᵃᵈ?

With Kenma? And Lev and Hinata? Absolute College AU vibes? Despite my doubts about the productivity, I definitely need this. It’s around 1AM as I type, and I literally have three papers to finish, with one due tomorrow. HAHAHAHAHA. (I wrote this note last night, so it’s not entirely applicable now, but well- I have to submit the second tomorrow and the third the following day... I hope HAHAHA)

Note: If you’re also up at such ungodly hours and want to add to this when you’re stuck with a paper too, or a lesson, or something, go ahead! If you want to modify something, don’t hesitate to say it!

The situation, for example, is that you’re writing a paper, and you don’t know how to continue it anymore. Luckily, you have enough options to kill the time until your brain is working properly again. The apartment―whoever owns it, maybe you guys were sharing or had connecting ones or were neighbors or whatnot―would literally look like, I don’t know, a convention? It’s like there are different stalls with different activities. Take your pick!

Tsukishima’s Corner:

I can imagine that he has this set-up in the far end of the living room where he has a table against the wall and a chair with a blanket on it

And he always has a drink with him, whether it’s a soda or an Iced Americano. (that just gave me Yoongi vibes ahhh my heart)

Of course, he has his headphones on. Not surprising.

He’s pretty calm when he does his schoolwork, and his focus is just wow

So, don’t expect him to pay attention to you that much. Again, not surprising.

If you have an actual question though, I think you can ask him!

He’ll help you out, but be wary of the sass and teasing.

It’s highly possible for him to annoy the shit out of you before you guys solve the problem, btw.

If you have chips with you, he’ll take some without asking permission smh but he’s so idufhsdbkfhda can you really say no?

You can get back at him by repetitively calling him “Tsukki”.

“Cut it out.”

“No can do, Tsu~ Kki!”

Emphasize! the! syllables! because he probably lowkey thinks it’s kinda cute

Unless he doesn’t and he throws the blanket at your face to shut you up

Don’t annoy him when he’s in a bad mood, okay?

He’ll really appreciate it if you give him space on those days

But he’ll also appreciate it so so so much if you’re the one who hands him his usual drink.

Despite being the person who could really rile you up the most

He’s actually nice... in his own way!

Lev and Hinata’s “Quiet” Pile of Pillows:

What am I even saying?

There’s nothing quiet about that part of the living room.

Lev and Hinata like studying in their “own kind of comfort”

And that is with their “study” blankets―they have separate ones for sleeping―on the floor and their pillows on top.

They study with the TV on

A series on Netflix is playing the entire time.

Nobody minds, really, because for some reason, most of you can study with some noise in the background. Those who can’t, however, just listen to music on their own.

They have hot or iced chocolate―depends on their mood―made either by you, Akaashi, or Kuroo.

You never asked Bokuto to do it again. Never again.

One time, he made the mistake of giving the “kids” coffee, and well, was that some night.

Lev and Hinata have common classes, so they work on some of their assignments together.

Expect them to be very excited when they get something right and very frustrated when they can’t understand what they’re doing.

Probably just a spot for you to take a quick break, maybe lie your head down on Lev’s favorite pillow to annoy him.

It’s not because he doesn’t want to share, but because you just took it right out of his lap.

They’ll be really happy kiddos if you join them! Please give these babies the attention they need.

Also, it helps to give them snacks to shut them up.

Bokuto’s Spot on the Couch:

That became his permanent spot after Akaashi sent him there because of that one time that big baby reaaally got on his nerves.

He has a pillow supporting his back as he leans against an armrest, legs stretched out in front of him and laptop on his, well, lap. HAHAHA sorry

He also likes working with the TV on, so it was a suitable place for him.

Bokuto’s drink would either be a can of soda or a protein shake.

Keep your phone on standby.

You have to take a pic of the pouty face he makes when he doesn’t get something.

He’s so cute he can have my heart-

“Akaashiiiii~ Why won’t you help me out?”

Akaashi would remind him that not only was he a year higher, but he also had a different major.

*cue Bo’s emo mode with matching droopy hair fml he’s literally so cute*

He gets distracted easily because he never puts his phone on silent

Probably chats with Konoha idk

Or gets carried away watching game highlights.

He already startled all of you a few times.

“OOOOOOOOOOOH. DAAAAAAAAAAAMN. THAT WAS SO GOOD.”

“Bokuto-san-”

If you choose to go to him, he can’t really help you with the paper you’re writing.

However, he gives THE BESTEST HUGS!

I think a lot of us agree that he’s a walking heater, so getting a hug from that beefy boi? Especially when it’s cold?

H E A V E N

Or that’s just me being biased, but is it really just me?

I love him.

Kuroo’s Kitchen Kounter:

Now, I’m definitely sure I’m being biased because- I mean- JUST-

One of the kitchen counters faces the common living area where everyone is spread out.

Imagine walking from wherever you were previously just staring at your laptop with that constant 132 words plastered on the corner of the screen and you’re well-aware that it has to be 2000 by tomorrow

And seeing business-related major Kuroo, sitting on a stool, immersed in his work, Excel sheets and documents being the only inhabitants of his laptop screen?

I’m literally giving myself away I-

He has glasses on and he’s tapping the end of his pen on his chin and at this point I’m hyperventilating

THE FACE HE MAKES WHEN HE CONCENTRATES

From time to time, he would swivel the stool around, take a sip of the black iced coffee he always brews at night, and eat whatever snack was available (e.g. chips, popcorn, sandwiches, instant noodles, sometimes asks Bokuto to make another protein shake, etc.)

He doesn’t really listen to music and can easily drown out the noise on his own because he concentrates so much.

You can always count on him to entertain you

Because despite the amount of focus he puts into his homework and problem sets, he also wants any excuse to tear his eyes of his screen.

He’s good at papers, so he can help you with that in the best way he can

Also asks if you would like to take a break and grab a snack with him

And can be a flirt if he’s in the mood, but when he’s tired, he has a soft and sleepy smile (except he’s not really sleepy because of the coffee, he’s just not putting that much effort)

Although he will annoy and provoke you while the two of you are on break

He’s the best person to cry to when you’re really stressed out.

I want him.

Akaashi’s Atelier:

He literally owns the dining table, his work neatly spread out.

I can almost imagine him studying architecture

But nah I guess he just really likes practicing how to capture anything and everything he can observe

And by capturing, I really mean that there’s a pile of photos there somewhere.

Afterwards, he draws them, paying attention to every detail.

He finishes schoolwork before any of you do.

His concentration surpasses that of Kuroo’s, no joke.

You can’t disturb him when he’s working on his academic requirements, so come back later when he’s sketching the hours away.

If you want to do your paper beside him though? Go.

His concentration is not only top tier but also contagious.

He’ll share the dining table, but only to you and, occasionally, Kuroo.

Bokuto? Only if he’s super emo.

Akaashi’s really nice!

He’ll initiate a conversation with you if you’re taking a break and he’s just on his sketchbook or experimenting with graphic design or something.

If you want to see a passionate but shy Akaashi, ask him what he’s working on.

I just know his eyes will literally light up.

He might be drinking tea, mint tea?

Water most of the time, but he always smells like mint and fresh laundry ahhh be still, my heart

Go to him if you really want to be productive and not get distracted by anything else because his eyes and the way he’s so into what he’s doing might actually be what distracts you

He is the epitome of grace under pressure, such a beautiful human being ha ha ha I wish

Kenma’s Den:

Well, what did you really expect?

Nah, kidding.

Kenma’s the only one in his room because he’s probably streaming.

His audience is mostly up at night, so yeah.

He definitely has ramen, chips, and soda

Which he’s willing to share with you as long as you don’t mess his game up don’t try I swear

Tbh, it’s actually really comforting to stay in his room especially when you’re really stressed out.

You can rest your eyes and take a quick nap.

He knows that he should wake you up after fifteen minutes, so don’t worry about sleeping through the night without finishing your paper.

He’s so sweet please

It’s so comforting to hear his fingers tapping away, a literal lullaby that gets you every time.

At some point, some people probably caught you slipping under his duvet IT WAS YOUR FIRST LOWKEY SCANDAL HAHAHAHAHA

Which lasted for just an hour because Kenma’s viewers knew him enough to know what his facial expressions meant

He definitely can’t help you with your paper. Such a busy boi.

But if he’s in the lobby that’s what you call it, right? of whatever game he’s playing, he’s willing to listen to your rants.

A quiet listener, but you know that he genuinely cares about you.

Massage his shoulders if you can! He likes that.

───── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *. ☪ .* :☆ﾟ. ─────

background photo by NeONBRAND on unsplash

[athingthatwantsvirginia]

This Ernest Hemingway Thing

PART FORTY OF THE DO YOU SEE HER FACE? SERIES

Pairing: Jess Mariano x Original Character (Ella Stevens)

Warnings: major discussions of parent death/death in general, plentiful pop culture references

Word Count: 5.4K

Summary: Ella struggles in the wake of her father's death.

“If you don’t shut up about this bar...” Jess warned, shooting daggers at Chris over the top of his book.

It was a slow day, and the three of them sat in the common area of Truncheon. Jess read his Sylvia Plath novel as he sat atop the welcome table in the front of the store. Chris was on a rant about why they should buy up the vacant space down the road and open a bar, while Matthew rolled his eyes. Snow fell in thick blankets, the coldest of the winter so far. Jess had opted to drive to work, rather than trudge through the crunchy, icy layer caking the sidewalks. The storm had blown in the night before as a bit of a surprise, leaving the city little time to salt the roads. The lack of customers at the book press was no shock. The large, ornate clock ticked slowly over the door. Only a few more minutes, and it would be time to close up for the day. Jess was glad; he’d be home to Ella soon enough. No matter how much she insisted she was fine, he couldn’t help feeling antsy when he’d left her home alone in the morning. His bottom lip was beginning to feel chapped from how much he had been gnawing on it.

Chris sighed heavily, throwing his hands up in exasperation. He was wearing a maroon cardigan over a pullover sweater, and Jess wondered how he wasn’t suffocating underneath all the wool. Chris took another sip of his disgusting chai latte before he continued.

“But it wouldn’t be just any bar! It would be Cedar Bar Redux!” he exclaimed.

Matthew rolled his eyes, not bothering to look up from the inventory sheet he was reviewing. “Just saying the name over and over isn’t gonna convince us.”

“Listen, we’ve already got this Ernest Hemingway thing going here,” Chris said emphatically, gesturing to the room around them. “Now, we can have a Charlie Parker thing down the road. We’ll play only jazz music there, and only serve drinks with whiskey. It’ll be super classy. Super hip.”

“Please don’t ever say ‘hip’ again,” Jess deadpanned, his eyes back on his reading.

Chris grinned confidently. “One day you’ll stop and think, ‘Wow, Chris has been a genius all along. Why did I ever doubt him?’”

Jess scoffed doubtfully.

“Sure, man,” Matthew said with a mocking nod.

“Hey, you’ll see, guys. Just you wait,” Chris said, crossing his arms over his chest and pouting at their dismissal of his idea. “If Ella was here, she’d agree with me.”

Shaking his head a bit, Jess snorted a laugh. “No, she wouldn’t.”

“I think she’s just pretentious enough to get behind it,” Chris argued, shrugging flippantly.

“Actually, I think she’s just pretentious enough to call you out for being a poser,” Matthew countered, his voice dejected as ever as he continued scouring the inventory sheets for any mistakes he might have made on them earlier in the day.

Chris narrowed his eyes at Matthew, getting ready to rebut. However, Jess spoke up first. He rose from his seat, stuffing the Plath book in the back pocket of his jeans and going to grab his coat and scarf.

“Speaking of Eleanor,” he said, “I’m going home. It’s closing time, boys. Have fun with the marketing pitch, Matthew.”

“Thanks, Jess,” Matthew replied sarcastically, still not looking up. On inventory day, he was basically a robot, glued to his paperwork. Not like Jess could blame Matthew, though, considering Jess would have run the business into the ground during the first week had Matthew not been there to deal with the numbers.

“What do you mean ‘speaking of Ella’?” Chris asked, his interest piqued.

She hadn’t been around much recently, and he missed her, despite their occasional bickering. It had been over a month since her father died, and she had hardly let them know how she was doing once she got back. He could count on one hand the number of times they’d seen her. It wasn’t as though he didn’t understand; she could take as much time as he needed. But Jess wasn’t exactly helping to ease his (and Matthew’s) concern, offering little more than an assurance that she was fine and just needed time for herself. It was hard for Chris to imagine Ella coping by isolation, but he had never known her in tragedy.

Jess shrugged on his coat, and began tying his scarf around his neck. “She stayed home sick today. I wanna make sure she at least eats dinner,” he explained shortly. They were all familiar with Ella’s bad habit of skipping, or forgetting, meals when she was stressed or upset.

“She okay?” Chris asked.

Finally, Matthew looked up from his sheet, patiently awaiting an answer. Chis wasn’t the only one who had noticed Ella’s recent absence. She had quite a presence, after all. He and Mabel were beginning to worry. Leo, too.

Jess shrugged, evasive. “Yeah. She’s fine. Just a winter bug or something.”

Chris nodded skeptically. “Okay.”

“Tell her we hope she feels better,” Matthew cut in diplomatically, hoping Chris got the hint that he should let sleeping dogs lie.

“Just call me a carrier pigeon,” Jess quipped, smiling thinly, before he excited the shop into the frigid evening air.

.   .   .

Eyelids heavy, Ella focused on her breathing. The falling snow twinkled in the soft light of the cloudy evening, and she watched it. Flakes floated down haphazardly, sometimes tossed along the wind. Watching it made her feel mindless, but almost in a good way, as she laid on her side. The pain in her head had numbed, though an ache still throbbed dully in her skull. She was just too tired. The kind of fatigue which comes with a fever, though she knew she didn’t have one. She just needed to sleep. Sleep and sleep, she told herself, until the pain went away. After a good rest, she hoped, she would awake renewed and inspired. Her sketchbook sat closed on her nightstand, not used since the night before her father died, the night of Jess’s publishing party.

In her worst moments, that night came back to her in flashes. Not because it was bad, but because she had been just so happy. Tipsy and in love and hopeful. The naivety almost made her want to laugh out loud. How could she possibly have thought she would have the chance to patch things up with her father? Life didn’t work that way. It never did. She didn’t know when she had lost sight of her realist views, but she was reminded why they were important. Always planning for the worst meant no disappointments and no ugly surprises. She drifted in and out of vague dreams, almost unsure of when and if she was awake. She felt sweaty and stale beneath the blue quilt, but she still snuggled into it deeper. It made her feel safe in some innocent, childish way she wished she could hold onto. She knew when she got up again, she would feel cold. And she would have to continue on as normal with a new, unwelcome tightness in her chest.

At the sound of the doorknob to the bedroom turning, she shut her eyes completely. She pretended to be asleep, breathing deeply and making her expression go slack, as Jess came in. Better to have him believe she was actually resting, rather than staring off into the middle distance feeling sorry for herself. Ella didn’t know quite what time it was, but she thought he was early, judging by the light outside. She knew he was worried about her; she could see it, even if he never said it out loud. But she was just so tired. She simply lacked the energy to reassure him, or to reassure herself. She could hear him quietly take off his shoes, his watch.

Then, he exited the room again. She heard him put on an album by The Cure at a low volume. It made her want to smile, almost. The apartment felt better when he was in it. She felt less claustrophobic. Maybe since he was finally there, she would actually get some sleep. But sleep never came, and she knew why. She’d been lying in bed all day, in a zombie-like state. In the two weeks since returning to work, she’d come home every day exhausted. And, worse yet, angry. Not in a yelling and punching the walls kind of way, though. Instead, she would cry hot, frustrated tears at the smallest mistake in her work. She would feel the urge to go smoke or drink, though she hadn’t given in. She felt like she was crawling out of her skin, but she couldn’t do anything about it. She could only sit back and watch as she struggled tiredly through her lectures and bit her nails ragged.

But the worst part was not the anger. The worst part was the inability to truly feel it. She knew she was angry, and she knew why, but she couldn’t get it to sink it. She couldn’t work through it or make it better, she could only feel it in the moment. When it passed, she would go back to her sleepy, sluggish state. And the storm of emotion would sit dormant in her belly. She tried to think about her father, and tried to cry for him. She couldn’t. She could only wait for the random bursts of emotion at meaningless moments. When she thought of her father’s death, or even her mother’s, it was like she could feel the key turning in the lock on her heart, and the switch flipping off. Not since the night Jess had held her on the Gilmore porch had she been able to shed a tear about any of it.

Staying home had been both a necessity because of the migraine she’d woken up with, and an attempt to wake herself up. Maybe if she could sleep off the constant fatigue she had been feeling, she could sleep off the hazy fog in her brain as well. But, as the day began to come to a close, she could only lie in her bed feeling defeated. In a way which was familiar, but still so new. When her mother had died, it had been such a shock. It had been more cut and dry. She had loved her mother, and her mother died. But her father was a different story. And he had been her only parent left.

After a few minutes, the bedroom door creaked open again, and she heard Jess’s soft footfalls on the carpet. The other side of the bed dipped down as he sat, and placed a gentle hand on her back, beginning to rub circles there.

“Elle?” he asked. “Hey, honey, wake up.”

Ella took a deep breath in, feigning slight surprise as she opened her eyes and rolled over, away from the window to face Jess. He had a small smirk on his face, but it didn’t reach his eyes as he looked down at her. With a light touch, he brushed the stray strands of hair away from her forehead.

“Hey,” she said, her voice slightly hoarse and groggy.

“Hi,” he replied.

She was pale and exhausted. It was as though her face had drained of all color the moment her father had died, and it had yet to come back. He couldn’t make her blush like he used to. Some sort of elemental lightness had left her, one which he hadn’t noticed she had until it was gone. And he was more or less at a loss about what to do. She was going about her day, going through the motions, but she was still somewhere far off in her mind. Unable to deal with anything that didn’t lack all emotion. He was beginning to wonder if she was ever going to snap out of it, or if a part of her was missing that could never be replaced. But, he was trying for her. He was taking care of her in a way he had never gotten a chance to before. Not from sickness, but from sadness. She had always been the one to patch him up emotionally, when things fell through with his father or he had a panic attack or he couldn’t get the dark clouds to lift from above his head. She was not exactly a ray of sunshine, but she wasn’t one to wallow either. She was an expert at getting through, attacking life the way it attacked her, picking herself back up. This time, he thought, maybe she just needed a hand.

“How’s your head?” he asked quietly, his thumb caressing her skin.

In the morning, she’d barely been able to open her eyes, her migraine was so bad. He wasn’t surprised though. She hadn’t taken a day off since going back to work. Everything was bound to catch up with her eventually. She was trying to hold it all back again, but he didn’t know why. Maybe because she’d had a bit of time; she wasn’t in shock anymore. She had more control over her emotions, maybe too much.

She shrugged. “A little better.”

“Good,” he said, leaning down and pressing a long kiss on her forehead.

When he pulled away, Ella took in a deep breath through her nose. She let her muscles release tension she didn’t know they’d been holding. She was glad he was home, even if she was embarrassed at his seeing her lying around.

“I made some green tea. You wanna watch a Stephen King movie with dinner? Or do your eyes still hurt?” he asked.

She felt her stomach do a flip. She didn’t deserve him. And his tenderness made her feel squirmy, like at some point he would realize how lazy she was being, how pathetic. Even one day off of work was making her feel so useless. She cleared her throat, averting her eyes from him.

“I’m actually not that hungry,” she said sheepishly. She hadn’t eaten all day, but she just couldn’t bring herself to want anything.

Jess sighed. “Elle-”

“No, I know,” she cut him off. “I promise I’ll eat later, really. Just not right now.”

Biting at his lip, Jess seemed lost in thought for a moment before he finally nodded. “Okay.”

Still, she couldn’t bring herself to look him in the eye. “Did you finish that Sylvia Plath?”

“Not yet,” he said.

“You wanna come lay down and read me what you have left, James Dean?” she asked, tone lighter than it had been.

He let a smile ghost over his lips. “Always, Daria.”

Swallowing thickly, Ella muttered a thanks to him as he left the room again. She rolled over and stared at the ceiling, so blank and dull white. Like a canvas she wanted to paint. But just thinking of the empty pages in her sketchbook made dread rise up in her throat. She shook the thought away as Jess came back into the room with two mugs of tea and a book under his arm. As they drank their tea, he told her about his day, about Chris and Matthew, how slow it had been. She laughed at the right moments, nodded at the right moments, smiled when she should have. But her heart wasn’t in it. She didn’t add anything, she barely even looked at him. He wanted to ask her what was wrong, and he almost did. But she looked so tired. He decided to wait until at least the morning. She needed rest more than she needed an interrogation, he figured. When they were done, cups on nightstands, he laid down next to her, warm under the covers as the snow kept falling in sheets outside, the light of the streetlamps making the flakes sparkle. The approaching darkness was almost gloomy, though, and he wasn’t particularly sure why. She laid her head on his chest, as she often did when he read to her. She liked to hear the vibrations of his words against her ear.

As he began at the page where he stopped, she felt warmer. His voice and the feeling of his body against her made it easier to breathe, easier to get her mind to shut up for a moment. But it lasted not for long, as a quiet thought whispered in the back of her mind. Then, it was louder and louder, until it became a shout, a scream. Someday, she would end up like her father, like Fiona. Losing the person you loved most in the world destroyed you. Ella didn’t know why, but all of a sudden she felt certain she would lose Jess. He would die, and he would die suddenly. As soon as she let her guard down again, she would lose him. She would lose the person she belonged to, the person who belonged to her.

The love she felt for Jess was unlike what she had felt for anyone else before, and some part of her knew she would never feel that love for anyone else again. And she felt like she understood her father better than she ever had before. He’d lost her mother in the middle of the night; the person he belonged to. Ella had been able to move on, but she thought that maybe her father’s life had been over the moment her mother died. And it would happen to her, unless she did something about it. The thought was so jarring and terrifying, for a moment, she felt like her throat was closing up. But she tried to handle the pit in her stomach as it formed and sat coldly in her core.

Jess was so sweet to her, always had been. Even when he was an angry tenager who was lost and acted like he didn’t need anybody. When she’d thought she couldn’t love anyone. He was smart and thoughtful and he knew her better than anyone else ever had. She could smell his familiar scent of pine and must, which had never worn off even long after he moved out of Luke’s. She listened to his voice lilt over the words of a book she owned, which she’d given him in high school. He was rereading the copy which contained their notes to each other, back when they were still falling in love without knowing it. A glance up at his face, and tears stung her eyes. Jess with his kind brown eyes and the dark shadow on his jaw. Jess with the faded scar on his left palm, which she’d watched get stitched up. Jess with the strong arms that held her in the ocean in California. The person she’d been in love with since she was sixteen. He was beautiful, in every sense of the word. A deep, awful regret filled her. She’d let herself fall so completely in love with him. She never should have. What was she going to do when he was gone?

Before she could stop herself, she began to cry silently. Jess furrowed his brows, feeling her tears wet his t-shirt. It was Plath, after all. A pretty sad novel, but he’d never known her to cry at a book. Or at much of anything, for that matter. He stopped reading immediately, lowering the book and bringing one hand to touch her freckled arm gingerly.

“What’s wrong?”

She sniffed and cleared her throat, wiping beneath her eyes. “Nothing, Jess. Just keep reading.”

“Eleanor-”

“Jess, please just keep reading,” she said, voice shaking and broken.

His breath caught in his throat, the words dying before he spoke them. She sounded helpless. He couldn't ignore her pleas, no matter how much he wanted to. Not when she sounded like that. He kept reading.

.   .   .

Gnawing on her nails, Ella sat alone in the cold morning light. The world outside was sparkling with snow in the sunlight. But soon, the grime city would corrupt it. The soft mountains of white would grow dull and gray, caked on the side of the road. She could only think about the melty gray slush as she looked outside, at the beauty the storm the day before had left in its wake. Her hands were slightly shaky, her elbows on her knees. She couldn’t remember the last time she had woken up so early, unable to fight wakefulness anymore as she packed a bag in the early darkness. The day had since brightened, from a deep blue to a warm orange and then finally, a bright yellow. But Ella still couldn’t bring herself to wake Jess up.

Instead, she waited. And she didn’t have to wait as long as she thought she would have. Jess emerged from the bedroom in his pajamas, rubbing tiredly at his eyes, at around half past six. His brows were furrowed at her empty spot in bed before he even saw her in the living room, sitting on the couch fully dressed with a packed suitcase on the floor next to her.

“What’s going on? Are you okay?” he asked, stopping in his tracks in surprise.

Ella ran an anxious hand through her hair before she looked up to meet his eyes. “I think...I think we should take a break for a little while.”

“What?” he said incredulously.

She sighed through her nose, looking down into her lap. “Jess, I just don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be together right now.”

“Eleanor, what are you talking about?” he continued, as though he simply couldn’t get her words to make sense in his head.

Again, she sighed in frustration. Without thinking about it, she rose and began to pace. Jess watched her with a worried gaze. She wasn’t behaving like herself at all, and just looking at her suitcase packed and ready to go made him feel sick to his stomach.

“Look, Jess, I just...I think we need to take a step back from each other for a while. Get to know ourselves when we’re not with each other, you know?” she said, her excuse flimsy and her voice uncertain. But she told herself this would be the hard part. Rip the bandaid off and leave, to get rid of the constant dread inside her. Without Jess, without anyone, it would simply be safer. More practical. And hadn’t being practical always worked out for her in the end?

Jess shook his head slowly, trying to get a handle on his thoughts. “That’s bullshit. We’ve already been apart from each other, and you and I both know that doesn’t work. What’s this actually about?”

“I just need a break, okay? I’ll call in sick again today. Fiona said last time I called that she needs me to clean out my room before she puts the house on the market. I’ll get back to town on Sunday,” Ella said, speaking quickly, flatly, wanting to get the words out and get them over with.

“And on Sunday?” Jess asked, eyebrows raised askance.

After a moment of tense silence, Ella could only shrug. “I don’t know. On Sunday...we regroup. Think about things.”

Jess ran a hand over his mouth. “You can’t be serious, Eleanor.”

“I am,” she replied simply.

“You honestly wanna break up? After everything?” he asked, sounding as though he still hadn’t quite been able to process what was going on. He’d known something was wrong, of course. Especially after she’d wept her way through his reading of Sylvia Plath, eventually falling asleep with her face still pressed against his t-shirt, her cheeks damp.

“Not break up!” Ella said immediately, raising her voice. “Not...forever.”

Again, Jess shook his head, voice matching her volume when he spoke again. “This isn’t like you, Eleanor. You don’t just run away like this. That’s my move, and it’s a fucking bad one. What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing. I told you, Jess, I just-”

“Need a break?” Jess interrupted finishing for her, with hints of both anger and fear in his tone.

For a moment, she couldn’t speak. He looked so crestfallen, so quickly. She wanted to throw her arms around him, cry into his shoulder, let out the tears she hadn’t been able to release. To tell him what she’d been feeling, the constant pain rivaled only by the strange, unexplainable numbness. But she bit at the inside of her cheek, hard, to snap herself out of it. She had made her choice. And she had to stick to it.

“Yes.”

He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, taking a deep breath, choosing his words carefully. “Please. Just tell me what’s going on. Whatever it is, we can figure it out.”

“Nothing’s going on,” she repeated, finding it hard to keep her voice from cracking.

“Is this about your dad?” he asked. They’d been dancing around the conversation for weeks, as he watched her retreat within herself. Finally, he couldn’t ignore it, couldn’t tell himself she needed space, couldn’t just tell himself she was grieving the way she needed to. The truth was, she wasn’t grieving. Not really.

She heaved a sigh. “Jesus, Jess. It’s not about my dad, okay? Can’t I just need a break from us? From all this?” she asked as she gestured around them to the apartment, to the life they had started to build together. She sounded angry. But anger was better than nothing. Jess kept going.

“No, not when you started crying last night and wouldn’t tell me why, not when you keep forgetting to eat, not when you’re tired all day, even after like twelve hours of sleep, not when you don’t even want to draw anymore,” he said, in vehement disagreement. “I can talk to my therapist and see if she knows someone who’s covered by the University insurance. I bet she knows a lot of grief counselors.”

“Jess, stop,” she said, refusing to make eye contact with him as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“Trust me, Eleanor,” he continued, almost pleading. “You’ll feel so much better if you talk to someone about all this. About your dad, your mom, your brothers, Fiona. I’m sure you could think of a few choice words to say about me too.”

She shook her head at his attempt to joke. She wasn’t having it. More tears stung her eyes, and they only made her angrier. She was so sick of needing to cry and not being able to, of dealing with her family’s bullshit, of everything. Of being afraid of everything.

“Van Gogh must have had hundreds of hours of therapy in his life, and you’ve seen his paintings. I really think it’s all gonna be okay if-”

“Stop it, Jess!” she shouted, reaching for a necklace she hadn’t worn in years. An old tic Jess hadn’t seen since high school. Seeing her fingers go instinctively to grab at a small key pendant made his heart ache in such a deep way, so fundamentally, he almost wanted to cry. “Stop being so fucking nice to me! Stop trying to take care of me! Every time I tell you that, you never fucking listen!”

“Elle, what-” he began, eyes widening at her outburst. But she was on a roll, and hardly noticed when he spoke.

“I mean, it’s like you can’t even hear me sometimes,” she continued, pacing furiously and gesturing around again with her hands. For a moment, she was worried the neighbors would complain about her yelling at such an early hour. But she forgot about them as the emotions bubbled up in her throat, words spilling from her mouth. “You just keep doing whatever the fuck you want! Reminding me to eat, and reading to me, and kissing me, telling me you love me, and I just can’t fucking do it anymore, Jess! Not when you’re just gonna be gone someday!”

“Eleanor, I’m not-”

“Yes, you are!” she interrupted, finally facing him again. A fire burned in her eyes, cold and green and devastated. “Whether you like it or not, you’re gonna have a heart attack or crash your shitty fucking car or get struck by lightning! And I can’t keep doing this when one day it’s all just gonna be gone! It hurts bad enough calling it quits right now!”

Taken aback, Jess sighed. His face softened. He wanted to take a step forward, to go to her, but he fought the urge. Instead, he spoke in a calm, soothing voice. “Honey-”

She let out an infuriated scoff at the affectionate nickname.

“I know you’re scared,” he began, but she cut him off again.

“No, you don’t!” she countered, voice more venomous by the second. “You don’t know! Jess, I know your parents aren’t exactly perfect, but guess what? They’re alive. You didn’t wake up one day and figure out they were fucking dead! You can still talk to them whenever you want. You didn’t have to watch-”

She paused as her voice broke, clearing her throat before she went on. “You didn’t have to watch your dad fucking destroy himself because he missed your mom so much. And you don’t have to watch your stepmom go through the same thing!”

“Eleanor-”

“Don’t ‘Eleanor’ me, Jess! Please don’t. I...I love you. But I just...I just wish I didn’t.”

She was crying now, big, childish tears rolling down her skin as she spoke. Jess felt his heart drop into his stomach. Of course, he’d known she was in pain. Her father had died, after all. But he didn’t know she was scared. He didn’t know she was absolutely terrified. Not when she’d always seemed fearless. Before he could stop himself, he went over and embraced her. His hug was tight and warm, one arm encircling around her waist and one hand in her hair, cradling her head. And for a second, she relaxed into him. She let his touch soothe her and heal her. But then she snapped out of it again. Back to reality. She remembered how badly it hurt when she lost good things. She disentangled herself from his hold.

“No,” she said. “Please...don’t touch me right now.”

Her words sounded so defeated and final that for the first time it occurred to Jess she might actually be serious about leaving, about breaking up. The thought was so heartbreaking, a lump instantly formed in his throat.

“Just wait a second, Elle. Can we...can we talk about this more? Please?” he asked, his voice almost a whisper. His own eyes began to grow shiny.

She shook her head, grabbing her suitcase and making for the coat rack. “I have to go, Jess.”

“But you don’t! You can stay and we can figure this out!” Jess said, following her to the doorway.

Her face was stoic and guarded again as she donned her coat, hat, and scarf. “I need...I just need to be alone. I’ll be back on Sunday.”

He ran a hand over his mouth again. “Do you promise you’ll be back on Sunday?”

“Yes,” she said after a moment, opening the door. She stood there awkwardly for a moment, unsure whether to say goodbye, if it was a goodbye at all.

Jess sighed heavily, relenting to her leaving, as begrudgingly as possible. “Just…please be safe driving up there.”

“I will.”

“I love you,” he said, not being able to help himself.

A tiny, sad smile passed over her lips. “Right back at ya.”

On any other morning, he would have laughed at her response, a joke at the expense of his own shyness. But instead he stood motionless as she went out the door and shut it softly behind her. He was unsure if she would ever truly come back, if she was already gone, if she had been for weeks. Jess was crying before she made it out the front door of the building.

[our-time-is-now]

June 10, 2019 (1): Fate is what you do with it

(previous play)

You can find more information about the authors, translators, content warning and additional information about the plays in the pinned post on our blog.  

Monday, 10:06 am:

David: *has woken up before Matteo again and contentedly watches him sleep for a while* *at some point feels his full bladder and is also craving some coffee, so he quietly gets up to go to the bathroom and then the kitchen to make some coffee* *a few days ago he actually remembered that Matteo and him would soon have been together for a month when he went through his sketchbook and found the sketches from May 10th and had redrawn one of the sketches for Matteo, but isn't really aware of the fact that today's June 10th* *turns on the coffee maker and while he waits for it to finish he cleans up some of yesterday's dishes and starts to wash them* *has just finished the dishes when the coffee is ready* *thinks that the dishes can dry by themselves and leaves them on the sink* *fills the coffee in a thermos, grabs two mugs from the cupboard and goes back to his room* *puts everything on the nightstand when he notices that Matteo is still asleep and crawls back into bed to join him* *softly hugs him from behind and snuggles closer hoping that Matteo might wake up from it* *starts kissing his neck*

Matteo: *is sound asleep* *is still a little beat from all the excitement over the weekend and therefore enjoys his sleep* *then feels David attach himself from behind and is only half asleep because of it* *smiles slightly when he feels his lips but leaves his eyes closed for a little while longer to enjoy it* *eventually turns his head around and looks at him* *smiles* *says in a still sleepy voice* Morning... you smell good...

David: *stops caressing his neck when Matteo wakes up and turns his head around to look at him* *loosens his hug a little so that Matteo can turn around to him properly* *smiles when Matteo's voice still sounds sleepy and quietly says* Morning... *gets a little sheepish at his words and murmurs* I've already been to the bathroom... *tenderly kisses him on his mouth and mumbles into the kiss* ...and I made coffee...

Matteo: *hums slightly when David says that he has already been to the bathroom* *wraps an arm around him when he kisses him* You're simply too good for me... *kisses him again and smiles into the kiss* *while he kisses him remembers what day it is* *is pretty sure that David doesn't know* *doesn't care* *kisses him a little more and pulls David even closer* *murmurs* What do you wanna do today? Want to do something or stay in bed?

David: *protests when Matteo says that he's too good for him and softly pulls his hair where his hand is buried* *murmurs decisively* Don't say that! *kisses him again and runs his hand through his hair* *gets pulled closer by Matteo and sneaks his arm under Matteo's head to be closer to him and to lie more comfortably* *hears Matteo's question and puts his head back on the pillow to think* *kisses his forehead again and says* Hmmm... don't know... let's have coffee first... and then... *reaches for Matteo's hand on his chest and entwines their fingers* *shrugs slightly* A whole day in bed would be really nice... *grins slightly* ...but sometimes I feel guilty when we're so lazy... we could also go out... to the park or so... or do something with the others... *looks down at him and asks* What would you like to do?

Matteo: *jerks his head a little so that he can take up his favorite position on David's shoulder by his neck* Yes, first coffee as always... *lightly runs his thumb over David's hand when he takes his hand* *nods with a grin when he says that a whole day in bed would be really nice* Hmmmm... *can't really relate to the thing about feeling guilty but knows that David is generally more active than him* Noo... let's not do anything with the others... only you and me today... and you know me... *grins up at him slightly* I don't feel guilty when I’m lazy... but we can go out if you've got ants in your pants... however you want to celebrate. *grins slightly to himself and is curious if David catches on to what he's saying*

David: *smiles when Matteo says that he doesn't want to do anything with the others today and only wants to spend the day with him* *wouldn't have known how to face Jonas and Hanna anyways* *laughs quietly when he says that he can be lazy without feeling guilty and thinks that turning off his guilt about it would also do him good sometimes because he actually likes being lazy quite a lot* *thinks about what they could do outside today and doesn't fully hear Matteo's last part of the sentence* *but then freezes and wonders what it is that he forgot about this time* *throws his head back and groans slightly* Celebrate?! *lets go of Matteo's hand and reaches for his phone on the nightstand to check the date* *sees that it's June 10th and immediately knows that it's their one-month-anniversary* *quickly puts the phone down, grabs Matteo's hand and puts it on his face* *murmurs* That has to stay there until I'm no longer ashamed of forgetting about our anniversary... *is really quite embarrassed and ashamed about it right now*

Matteo: *grins even more when David asks* *then sees him looking at his phone* *laughs out loud when he grabs his hand and puts it on his face* *but then disagrees when he hears his words* Nonsense! *rolls onto his stomach so that he can look at him and moves his hand to tenderly put it on his cheek* You just didn't know what date it was today... *kisses him slightly* Usually even the date doesn't help you... so I feel honored... *looks at him and smiles* So don't be ashamed, okay?

David: *tries to push Matteo's hand back over his face when he puts it on his cheek but eventually gives up when Matteo kisses him* *has to laugh quietly when Matteo says that he feels honored and murmurs* You’re satisfied with very small things... *looks at Matteo and sees him smile and is even more embarrassed when he says that he shouldn't be ashamed* *closes his eyes, groans quietly and says* I'm a bad boyfriend! *looks at him again and runs a hand through his hair* You deserve someone who remembers such days and who can plan a nice day and who doesn't only bring you coffee, but who brings you breakfast to bed! *grins slightly and gets ready to get up* Although... I might manage some breakfast... could you maybe fall back asleep for a moment?

Matteo: *shakes his head* Not at all... you aren’t a small thing… *lightly hits him when he says that he’s a bad boyfriend* Would you stop with that! *but then smiles when he runs a hand through his hair* *shakes his head again* Nonsense! I'm quite glad that you can’t remember stuff like that... at least there’s one thing I can do that you can't. *grins* *pulls him back when he tries to get up* Would you stop with that nonsense? You can pour me some coffee and stay here in bed with me!

David: *grimaces when Matteo hits him and theatrically says* Ouch! *laughs quietly when Matteo pulls him back, sighs, leans back and says* Okay, I'll stop! *but then sits up again and scoots to the edge of the bed when Matteo demands coffee* *grins* I can manage coffee and staying in bed... *pours them coffee and says* Besides, you can cook and I can't! You can be lazy without feeling guilty about it! And you're better at being there for others than I am... and you're better at Flunkyball... *hands him the mug with his coffee and grins slightly* Maybe I really should get a calendar... otherwise you'll be better at a lot more than I am... *crawls back on the bed with his coffee, leans against the wall and stretches out his legs*

Matteo: *sits up a little when David starts to pour coffee and leans against the wall* *laughs slightly when he lists what else he can do* I’m not better at Flunkyball, you can throw better, it’s only that I can drink faster… *takes the mug from him and at first only holds it* *puts his leg over David’s when he sits down next to him* And besides it’s stupid… to list these things… I’ll always think you’re greater than I am, get used to it. *grins at him slightly and takes his first careful sip of coffee*

David: *laughs* But who can drink the fastest is what matters during this game… *smiles when Matteo puts his leg over his’ and briefly looks over at him before blowing into his coffee* *nods when he says that listing these things is stupid and hums in agreement* *has to grin and murmurs at his next words* For whatever reason… *thinks that he feels similar and that he’ll always think that Matteo’s greater than himself* *also takes a sip of coffee when he remembers the drawing he made for Matteo* *puts his coffee down on the nightstand and pulls his legs out from under Matteo’s* Hang on… *gets up and goes over to the desk* *ruffles around for a second and eventually finds the rolled-up drawing* *hops back on the bed with the drawing and pulls Matteo’s leg back over his before handing him the roll* *the painting depicts both of them standing in the empty pool hugging each other tightly* *in the lower corner is the date, May 10, 2019 as well as David’s signature and a heart* *in the background there’s the slightly faded line of “breathing under water”*

Matteo: *laughs slightly* Well, because you’re great… *looks a little surprised when David gets up* *watches him and the roll he comes back with* *quickly puts down his coffee before David hands him the roll* *unrolls it and feels his heart skip a beat before it continues beating twice as fast as before* Wow… this is… awesome! *swallows hard before quickly leaning over and kissing him* I’ll get a frame and then I’ll put it up over the bed. *beams at him and then looks back at the painting* Compared to this my present sucks… *puts the painting down on the bed and leans down to pull a small box out from under the bed* *hands it to David with a slightly sheepish grin* The idea’s quite similar, I’m just not as talented… *there’s a button in the small box looking something like this*

[translation: “fate is what you do with it”]

David: *has picked up his coffee again after he handed Matteo the painting and is now taking a sip* *smiles at Matteo’s words an into the kiss that he receives* *is happy that Matteo likes it because it was a lot of fun for him to draw it and to remember that evening* *laughs quietly when Matteo says that he wants to get a frame for it but then gets serious again when Matteo mentions his present for him* *shakes his head* You don’t have to give me any presents… *points at the drawing* I only made this because… I thought it would be nice to not only have this memory in my sketchbook… that’s nothing… not much… *is already embarrassed because he feels like Matteo really planned this and he only remembered it by accident* *puts his coffee down when Matteo reaches for something and then accepts the little box* *murmurs a quiet “thanks” even before opening the box* *slowly opens it and has to smile automatically when he sees the button with his own picture from Instagram* *but then notices that there’s more and takes the button out to look at it more closely* *reads the words and gets a small lump in his throat when he remembers their conversation about fate and how much his own opinion on that topic has changed since then* *swallows to somehow get rid of the lump and pulls Matteo toward him* *kisses him briefly, wraps his arms around him and hides his face in his neck* *murmurs* Thank you! *has to smile into his neck and adds* I think we did something pretty cool with it…

Matteo: *shakes his head when David plays the painting down* Oh man, you’re really being impossible today… *then watches him a little insecurely when he opens the box* *doesn’t know if he’ll like the line about fate and if it was okay for him to use his post* *is glad when David seems to like it and kisses him happily* *wraps his arm around him and kisses his head* *smiles slightly* You’re welcome… *laughs a little and nods* I think so, too… *leans back again and simply pulls David with him* *thinks a little more and pushes his thoughts around and then quietly says* You know…when I saw you for the first time, when you only walked past me… that was somehow… there already was something… and until then I always thought that this would only happen in movies or so… but somehow… that was fate… but everything that came afterwards… and I really mean everything, that was us, that was real and wild and hurt and was wonderful and simply… everything. So yes, I think we did something absolutely cool with it.

David: *holds onto the button when Matteo leans back and pulls him with him* *leans against him and happily looks at the button again before wrapping an arm around Matteo* *listens to him and has to smile because he didn’t know that Matteo also remembers their first run-in in the hallway* *finds it strange to hear that Matteo also felt like the moment was somehow special and not like any other because so far, he had always thought that he’d only persuaded himself to think that* *grins slightly when he says that this was fate* *still doesn’t really like the thought of fate but gets closer to doing so whenever it’s about Matteo and thinks that Matteo might be right while he keeps listening to him* *beams at his description even when he gets a small lump in his throat again when he thinks about everything they have been through* *at the end nods and squeezes Matteo to him* *thinks about his words for a while and eventually quietly says* Maybe I was a little too hard on fate… I always thought that it wanted to take something from me… my free will and my own decisions… but… maybe all this time it didn’t have any ill-intend, after all… the thing with us… that was really only us and in the end it all made sense… as if fate had already known exactly where this would lead to even back then in the hallway at school… *grins slightly and absentmindedly runs a hand over Matteo’s chest and stomach*

Matteo: *listens to David and has to smile automatically* I think it’s a mix… that fate gives you a nudge but if you go or how you go that’s still your decision… *kisses his hair again and squeezes him slightly* *thinks about their first meeting, about everything that came afterwards, about his attempts to get into contact with him, to spend some time with him and eventually their first kiss* *nudges him slightly* Can I ask you something? *sees him nod and continues* If you actually didn’t want to get to know anyone… didn’t want all of this… why did you run away with me? At Abdi’s birthday? You could have said no…

David: *nods slightly when Matteo talks about it probably being a mixture of fate and own decisions and hums in agreement* *enjoys being close to Matteo and comfortably being in bed and that after the turbulences on the weekend it’s now calm and safe and nice again between them* *looks up at Matteo when he nudges him, smiles and nods* *laughs quietly at his question and thinks for a moment* Hmmm… eventually there was a point when it came to you where I simply thought “screw this!... Just let it happen”… even after such a short time I wanted to get to know you so badly that somehow nothing else mattered… *absentmindedly runs a hand along Matteo’s side and remembers* And because I had been thinking about the neon party all week long… and that we almost kissed and somehow… *laughs quietly* …I think I somehow wanted to finish it… the kiss. I was curious if we’d actually go through with it… *briefly kisses his chest and says a little more serious* And when I saw you at Abdi’s party I remembered that you said that everything was fucking you up at the moment… *hesitates briefly and adds a little quieter* I was concerned… or worried… I don’t know… I wanted you to be okay. *grins slightly* I think if you’d asked me if I wanted to move to another country with you, I’d probably have agreed…

Matteo: *laughs quietly when David says “screw it”* Screw it is good, we should have said that more often… *continues to listen to him and absentmindedly runs a hand up and down David’s arm* *laughs again when he says that he was curious* *murmurs* I was also curious… *then grimaces slightly* *wasn’t really in the best mood during Abdi’s party or rather during the preparations* *laughs slightly* You wanted me to be okay? And then you thought a derelict building with an empty pool would be exactly the right environment? *laughs slightly and then softly says* Loon… *smiles at his last words* If only I’d known… *looks down at him and kisses his forehead*

David: *grins when Matteo mentions the derelict building and slightly pinches him in his side* Hey, at least it took your mind off things… *shrugs slightly* Besides… I really did want to go there for some time… I had seen pictures of it online and had been on the property a few times but I never dared to go into the building… at least not on my own… *grins again* So I thought… a Matteo as a protective shield would probably come in handy… *smiles when Matteo kisses his forehead, looks up at him, puts a hand to his cheek to pull him down to get a proper kiss* *sighs quietly and stretches a little* Hmmm… where would we have moved to if you’d known it? *grins slightly and turns away from Matteo for a moment to grab his coffee from the nightstand* *takes a sip, puts the mug down on Matteo’s chest and puts his head back on his shoulder*

Matteo: *looks at him fake-aghast* You only used me? As a protective shield? I’m shocked! *but then smiles into the kiss* *hums slightly at his question* Well, probably to Detroit… after all, I have to impress you… *holds David’s mug with his free hand and then also takes a sip* Or maybe to Amsterdam as a start… or some city with a port and then we’ll stowaway on some boat… *grins slightly and shakes his head* Actually, it doesn’t matter… an empty pool was also pretty exciting…

David: *laughs quietly when Matteo acts aghast and again when he mentions Detroit* *murmurs* One day we’ll surely get there… *grins about Amsterdam* At least that would be more realistic than Detroit… *takes the mug back from Matteo and also takes a sip* *nods about the pool and then smiles slightly* By the way, there are more abandoned pools in Berlin… maybe we should check them out one day… *pushes one leg between Matteo’s and is silent for a moment before asking* And what about you? Why did you ask me if I wanted to run away? Only to get away from Sara and Leonie? Or did you also think a little bit about an interrupted kiss?

Matteo: *nods slightly* Yes, one day… *listens to him* Really? Is this going to be our thing? Exploring abandoned pools? *moves his leg a little more against David’s* *laughs slightly at his question* No way, I never thought about you… never… *shakes his head and squeezes him a little tighter* It was also a total coincidence that I got into a fight with Sara as soon as you showed up… *but then swallows and is quiet for a moment* From the moment we first talked to each other I basically constantly tried to spend time with you… especially after the neon party… but… you didn’t answer or were taciturn… but I think before Abdi’s party… I also felt a little like “screw it”… I did know how shitty it is of me to just take off…

David: *laughs and nods at the thing with the pools* Why not!? Or is that too much exercise for you? *grins* I can do research beforehand to find out how many fences we have to climb… *pffs at Matteo’s words and tries to fake sulkily moving away from him but Matteo squeezes him closer against him* *plays along and says* Yes, somehow I seem to have this aura that everybody starts to fight with their girlfriends as soon as I show up… *grins but is silent when Matteo doesn’t say anything* *empties his coffee and briefly leans over to put it back on the nightstand before taking his position on Matteo’s shoulder again and wrapping an arm around him* *listens to Matteo and nods at his last words* *quietly says* True – that wasn’t the nicest thing to do… *smiles slightly and adds* But I’m glad that we both didn’t care in that moment… *searches for Matteo’s hand and entwines their fingers* *strokes his thumb over his hand a little and then pulls Matteo’s hand to his mouth to kiss it before he sighs and says* I’m sorry that I was so taciturn… or didn’t answer… whenever we didn’t see each other… I somehow only had thoughts and doubts and fears… and my mind always told me to keep you at a distance… and whenever we saw each other… then my mind was usually quiet and everything was somehow… good.

Matteo: *pffs a little but then grins* No, no, I’ll manage… *then laughs slightly* Oh, really, that happens to other people as well? Who else has started to fight with their girlfriend because you showed up? *moves his arm when David moves but immediately pulls David back to him* *slightly nudges his hair with his nose* *shakes his head slightly* No it wasn’t… but it doesn’t matter… *plays with David’s fingers until he pulls his hand to his mouth* *smiles slightly at the kiss* *then listens to him and gets more serious as well* *would like to tell him that it wasn’t so bad, that he understands* *and even though it’s true that he understands he also remembers too well how much he himself has doubted things during this time, how he replayed their meetings in his head over and over to find out if he had said anything stupid or somehow did something wrong* *carefully says* It… wasn’t so easy… I always thought that I somehow screwed up… but, you know… somebody once said – I think it was Jonas, or Hans? Well, doesn’t matter, anyways he said whenever love is created it always hurts a little in the beginning… and even though that might be a little pathetic there’s also some truth to it…

David: *grins and waves a dismissive hand to the thing with the aura* Oh, you don’t know any of them* *nods hesitantly when Matteo says that the situation back then wasn’t really easy* *on the one hand thinks it’s great that he’s so honest about it and doesn’t downplay it saying that it wasn’t that bad but on the other hand realizes how much he had hurt Matteo because of his fear* *smiles slightly at Matteo’s quote and murmurs* Sounds more like Hans than Jonas… *sighs quietly and shrugs before answering* I don’t know. It shouldn’t hurt in my romantic, sappy imagination… everything should be perfect there, shouldn’t it? *squeezes Matteo a little closer without letting go of his hand* *hesitantly says* I know, now in hindsight it doesn’t help you but… you didn’t screw up anything. I think what you did was exactly the right thing… so that I… *grimaces slightly because he can’t really explain it well and stops before he starts again* Even back then you showed me that you care about me – no matter how stupid I acted… you kept trying to stay in contact… *briefly presses his lips together, looks up at him and says* I’m sorry that I’ve made things so difficult for you… but… I’m really grateful that you were so persistent…

Matteo: *nods slightly* True… probably it was Hans… *smiles slightly when he talks about his sappy imagination and squeezes his hand a little* It is now, isn’t it? *looks down at him while he talks and once again feels the words go directly to his heart, somehow as if they were a coat in which he can wrap himself up in* *smiles honestly when he looks up at him* I’m sorry that society is so crappy that we still have to come out… and be afraid of the reactions… *strokes his hand over David’s arm and smiles* Somehow it’s strange that you thank me for that… I… I wasn’t really thinking about it… or maybe I did, but not in a way that I thought you’d thank me in the end… *grimaces because he can’t really explain his thoughts* It wasn’t really planned as a big deed or something like that… you don’t owe it to me to thank me… I already got the best reward there is… *grins slightly*

David: *smiles slightly when he apologizes for society and shrugs* There are all kinds of societies… in Lychen society really sucked… but here… I think it’s more the experiences that you’ve made that cause you to be afraid… *laughs quietly while Matteo philosophizes about gratitude and stretches a little to kiss his chin, to cover up his embarrassment when Matteo refers to him as the best reward* Maybe it was special exactly because you weren’t expecting me to thank you… *shuffles a little upward to kiss him more comfortably and murmurs* For me it was a big deed… *runs a hand through his hair and kisses him again* *grins slightly* Can we stop being sappy now and make out instead?

Matteo: *shrugs* *thinks that at first he didn’t want to come out here and to him either* *but drops it for now* *smiles when David says that it was special because he wasn’t expecting him to thank him* *puts his hand in David’s hair and plays with a few strands* *kisses him back and grins* That’s the main thing… *laughs at his question and nods enthusiastically* Absolutely! *kisses him and lets go of his hand to wrap his other arm around him as well* *leaves the other one in his hair while he deepens the kiss*

David: *grins into the kiss when Matteo agrees to making out but then gets serious again and deepens the kiss* *sighs quietly when Matteo wraps his arm around him and scoots even closer to him so that he’s lying half on top of him* *tenderly runs a hand over his neck, his cheek, his temple and through his hair and after a moment forgets everything else around him – there’s only Matteo and being close to him and the incredible feeling of happiness that they really have been together for an entire month*

(next play)

[rockmiyabideusexmachina]

2020 Megaman Valentine’s Day Contest - Cat. 1 (Talent) Results!

Thank you to everyone again for your patience! This is getting posted way later than I wanted to. As much as I try to keep it short and sweet, I never do, so bear with my walls of text. 

For the talent category this year, the theme was about killing Mega Man with kindness. More specifically, entrants had to create their own original love/Valentine’s-themed Robot Master or equivalent boss character that was created to defeat Mega Man with the power of love! Even though the theme title and concept alluded more to the classic Robot Master character contests, designs for any series were acceptable. But other than one Navi and one Reploid entry, everyone stuck to a Classic-series themed creation. So you were all pretty consistent! 

There were a total of 16 entries for this category this year. Thank you all for your participation! It was extremely hard to choose winners for this category, because you all had really clever and creative concepts based off of this theme. So thank you for thinking up such clever and cool characters!!

Also thanks to Reploid 21XX for the coloring book prizes and for some additional insight. 

Again, raffle prize winners will be contained in both posts, so keep an eye out between your name and your art. Not all raffle prize winners are contained in this post. I’ll be contacting all winners soon enough, so sit tight! Might be late after work tonight, so don’t panic if you don’t hear from me right after this is posted.

Your category winners and full gallery of entries are right here, after the break:

Category 1 (Talent) -  Dr. Wily’s Greatest Creation: Killing Mega Man With Kindness

[Full Talent Gallery]

1.) @mo-sketchbook​:

*For coming in 1st, mo-sketchbook has won $100 via Paypal, or a prize of their choice up to that value AND a Rockman 7 Coloring Book.*

First and foremost, I appreciate all the effort you put into covering so many aspects of your creation, from the various design viewpoints, weapon get form for Mega Man, and showing the weapon in action. I really loved all the things you integrated into the design to give off the feeling that it is a love-based character. The “love bug” form, cherub-like Heat/Plug-type facial features, and how you utilized hearts in different ways for his design and powers. 

I’m no Keiji Inafune, but I feel like this is a concept he would greenlight, in terms of it following his Robot Master design formula. It doesn’t need to be super detailed or flashy, but still fits the mold very well! The thought of the hearts missing their target and love energy then getting weaker is actually pretty clever, too. Cute, and I wuv it. 

2.) @peachycircuits​:

*For coming in 2nd, peachy has won $50 via Paypal, or a prize of their choice up to that value AND a Rockman 7 Coloring Book*

As usual, on the technical side of things, your art is one of the more polished and clean entries of the bunch. Combining a couple different aspects - swans as a creature known as a symbol of love, bonded for life like in marriage, and turning that into an inseparable pair of Robot Masters, was a clever way to think about your design, in terms of the theme of this category. 

And then echoing that with the iconic Swan Lake, making them ballet dancers, is like taking Tundra Man and Gemini Man’s concept up another notch. Plus, not gonna lie, amused seeing Mega Man getting equipped with a tutu. LOL So even if it’s not as heart-themed as most of the other entries, I totally liked how you thought outside the box a little bit for this. 

3.) Komito Amae:

*For coming in 3rd, Komito has won $25 via Paypal, or a prize of their choice up to that value*

I figured a cupid-styled arrow theme would pop up in a bunch of entries, but your Reploid, Beta, here caught my eye. Both in terms of the hearts, arrows and wings incorporated into her armor, and the pretty sweet looking buster that she and X both have equipped. 

While I’m not sure how it would play out in the game, I think it would be interesting to suddenly take control of random enemies in a stage, and be able to change perspective as them for a short time, after you have shot them. Whether it would be to take out an enemy horde, or perform a task X can’t that the enemy could, it would be different! Can’t see it quite having the same powerful effect on a Maverick boss, but it’s certainly neat to think about how that could work!

And the rest of the wonderful entries, in alphabetical order by alias: 

@autobot-bumblebee​:

*Raffle Prize Winner*  Dreamwave Comics: Issue 4 Page 15

I’m sorry you didn’t win a cash prize this time! Please don’t take me hostage! I totally loved the creative vintage chocolate factory mascot backstory, along with making your entry like an Ariga-styled character sheet page. Certainly get that retro feel with her clothing design. Her rose blade kinda reminds me of other hand-turned-blade-like-weapon characters, such as Alan Gabriel in the Big O or Ed transmuting one in FMA. Which is always a snazzy transformation for a robot!

@drewblossom​:

In all honesty, if I hadn’t placed you in the humor category, I think this would have very likely been somewhere in the top 3 for this category. A cuddly teddy bear with a massive Ariga-Quick Man-sized heart for a chest, extending flailing tube arms, who just wants to hug Mega Man to death is so amusing and awesome of a design. Hugs for everyone!

FluffyFrostyFury:

Your take of heat-seeking arrows and the added high jump powers were certainly a different take compared to the other cupid-styled creations. Definitely would be nice gameplay bonuses when equipped. I like how Mega Man also has the wings sprout out of his head, to mimic Cherub Woman’s pigtails, rather than the usual spot you would assume, on his back. 

HealerCharm:

Hahaha, I love how your creation has caused Mega Man to wave the white flag after falling in love...wait, it isn’t White Day, and he should be giving her a gift if it was! XD Her hair tied up into a heart was a creative touch, much like how her dress flows into all those heart shapes. Adorable!

@inanehipsterslang​:

Um, can...can I count on you to vote for Bernie this election year?

Remember kids, it’s what’s on the inside that counts, looks don’t matter. Everyone deserves love, even those you consider ‘vermin.’ This was certainly an unexpected take on the theme, and gave me a good laugh, too. ‘Boiling-hot water...with a hint of citrus!’ It burns, but it smells so lemony-fresh!! XD But the two different moves fit together well, to protect and attack. 

I like how you still incorporated a heart shape into Rodent Woman’s design with, both in her chest shape and the “nostril” area which is echoed in the Rodent Rover. And also props for giving her the non-armor form, unique compared to other entries. 

Mattasaurs:

On the one hand, your design feels so different for a Robot Master, and maybe more Navi-like. But then I get the Astro/Galaxy-type eye vibe, and sort of a Plant Man~ish body with Devil hands feel, and see how it’d fit into Classic. It’s a unique look, and I liked it the more I inspected it. I really do love the idea of the heart bubble entrapping more and more enemies, and the big ol’ group hug ending up bursting their love bubble. It’s a different concept that stood out!

Minnie:

Our Navi of the bunch combined the love bug and cupid design, but your concept changed up the attack to suck out the energy of it’s target. Which almost made me think she should have an arrow-like mosquito nose, to feast on her target that way. XD I liked your wing shield concept and RiCO-styled skirt of hearts. Rock gets some cool shades in his Love Soul/Cross form, and I get the ProtoSoul vibe, with the shield transferring to his arm as well.

@pstart​:

Another Heat/Plug-type design Share Man looks cute and sleepy, but is also “clumsy and weak.” His ability is to share body parts, so “the danger is in him sharing his less than ideal parts with his opponents.” It’s a totally neat concept, to see Mega Man lose his buster almost by accident, and now be powerless to stop Share Man. His split color scheme drives home the concept that his parts might not all be his own, and sort of a Frankenstein bot at times. Props to that idea!

While his weapon gives Mega Man the power to make enemies docile and sleepy, I really almost want to see Mega Man get dumb parts of enemies, too! Helmet switched to a Met helmet, Batton wings, a big Suzy eye! It’s now I’ve got your power...but...but what am I supposed to do with it? XD

RetroNinjin:

Unlike most others, your entry pushed the heart theme heavily in her armor design around the entire head and shoulder parts, so I definitely felt the love vibe. The color scheme fits well. Just would have liked to have had seen a little more information about her attack and concept.

RoninApprentice:

Mega Man having a “Wing Man” to set him up is a hilarious and clever idea! I give you kudos for thinking outside the box a bit on your concept and theme here. The shipping chart certainly drives the idea home, too. You still give him a classy/formal look, and keep the wing man aviation origin apparent in his attack style. Certainly a different idea having the heart bowtie transfer to Rock’s helmet in the form change, but it really doesn’t look that bad there, opposed to around his neck like it would be normally.

@star-crossed-swords​:

Different from the other cupid concepts, Eros Woman utilizes a Search-Man like targeting system to hit her targets. I like the heart scope addition over her and Rock’s eye when they go into firing mode. You took a different approach to the wing concept compared to others, echoing Cinnamon’s hairstyle in many respects. But it certainly fits with the rest of her design nicely, and looks good for Mega Man’s equipped form.

@star-shaped-soul:

Love that you were able to both include a drawing and your own sprite, to mix in with the weapon equip ones. That is one powerful crush Mega Man has on his enemies now! I feel bad for Crush Man with how big and heavy those snare trap hands of his are. This seems like a Robot Master too cute for Wily to design; more like he stole him and added horrible, cruel hands onto him! This is taking a crush on someone to a whole different level! XD

Yuri Kadry:

When equipped with Cupid Man’s power, I like the visor Mega Man gets. I think this is also a clever use of the weapon, having enemies shot attracted to one another, causing them to collide into each other. Well thought out! Love the original sprite art, and he stands out nicely against the pinks and purples in the background. 

[gastcrrific]

fifth member - chapter 2: doing alright

a/n: okay we're gonna step up the game here.... a bit more detail to the reader will also be revealed! this chapter could just be a filler and will be mostly(?) consisting of y/n and deaky.

disclaimer: history itself is connected but they're not really precise! what would be true will be the more known events (i.e. rainbow '74, live aid, some various anecdotes, etc. etc.)

contains: something soft? freddie being the biggest wingman ever

=====

૮ɦαρƭε૨ 2: ∂σเɳɠ αℓ૨เɠɦƭ

Waking up earlier before the sun is always a surreal experience. Consistently, you're awake before Deaky. You would occasionally pull out your sketchbook and draw out the view by outside of your flat when the sun starts peeking.

You were a major in arts and design, as you also loved working with colors. It was painful to not encounter your best friend much often in class since he studied in electrical engineering, knowing that you won't do well with it.

Pouring yourself a cup of tea, you set it by your table in front of your bed, which was right by a window capturing the usual view.

You flip through the pages of your sketchbook, contently observing each work that you have done. You get to the recent page, and it made you tug a small smile.

It was a drawing of you and Deaky sitting on a bench, looking at the stars. You bit your bottom lip gently, doubting that the scenario will ever happen.

Out of every sketch you've done, you never showed him that.

Softly sighing, you shook your head and flipped to a new blank page and roughly sketched the street.

Some time passed, the sun has finally come to say hi, and you hear John yawning which made you look back at the sight of him stretching his whole body. "Morning, Deaks." You smiled at him, finished with your sketch, as you closed the book. You stood up to help him get rid of his sleepy phase.

He nodded as he has a soft grin on his face, standing up carefully to hug you. Taken aback, you gave in and buried your face in his chest, the smile never leaving your faces. Even though he was shirtless, your cheeks warmed up red but John never suspected it. His hearty sigh made you a soft mess, as he rested his chin on your head.

Later it felt like a good 2 minutes or so, both of you parted away and smiled stupidly at each other.

"That felt nice... thanks for the booster, Y/N." He ruffled your H/C hair which made you pout. Your eyes follow him to the small kitchen as he pulled out 2 pairs of bread to toast. "I suppose you haven't took breakfast yet?" You shook your head no, arms crossed. "I wouldn't risk burning the flat down even if we're already moving to Freddie's." You sat back down on the seat you've previously taken. You didn't do well on cooking, but there's always a place for practice. Deaky chuckled, finally finished preparing the meal.

He placed two glasses of water and the plate of cheese on toast by your table and grabbed a piece. You followed and did the same. The two of you were discussing about when will you pack and move to Freddie's flat, along with some various topics as well.

After completing your breakfast, you stood up and took the plate and glasses to the sink to wash it. This time, John followed, resting his hand on the counter as he watched you. Without hesitation he began, "Have you ever fancied someone yet?" his tone was timid, and his eyes were focused on the floor now.

The question caught you off guard, which made you space out for a second. You finish washing the dishes, you turned off the faucet and turned to face him.

"I'm sorry, B, I shouldn't have asked–"

"No, no, Deaks, it's okay..."

Gently, you brought your hand up to trace his jawline to his chin, using your index and middle finger before tilting his head to have him focus on you. Your cheeks once again got heated up, from both his flustered expression and his bare look. The silence went on for a few moments.

You whispered sincerely, "...I'm not seeing anyone else at the moment.."

Deaky nods while he's lost in your E/C orbs, suddenly caressing your cheek. By every second, the two of you inch closer, lips nearly connecting.

But before you knew it, the telephone from the bedside table rang which made the both of you turned your heads towards the alarming object.

"Maybe another time we can... discuss this, John. I'll go get the phone." You anxiously bit your lip, rushing to answer it.

He sighed and closed his eyes in relief, nodding with a small hum as he pursed his lips.

Your fingers met playing with the cord, as you answer, "Hello, this is Y/N."

"Hey there darling! It's Freddie, I was just wondering when will you and Deaky are coming here."

"Oh! Um," You stalled and looked at your best friend to ask when. Making eye contact, he quickly inspected the wall clock, reading 6:58 AM.

"Tell him that we'll go at 7:30, we still have to pack, right?" You replied with a nod, passing the message to the lead singer. On the other side of the line he agreed and bid farewell, you did the same.

Deaky threw a shirt with a brown leather jacket on, he had already brought out your and his bags, also packing his own clothes together with other necessities. You followed and eventually complete the task.

Taking a glance at the clock again, it reads 7:25 AM.

With your friend wearing his bag and his instrument case, you made sure the two of you are ready to go.

The walk to the flat was only 5 minutes away.

"Have you written your first song yet?" You try to break the tension. John shook his head no with a small 'mm-mm', "Still haven't thought about it... How about you?"

You shook your head no too. "I don't have a single idea for it. Maybe someday, we both will..." He agreed.

Finally arriving at the destination, you gently knock the wooden door and it had opened by itself to reveal the magnificent Freddie Mercury.

Flashing a grin, he greeted, "There you are two! Come on in, dears, I'll show you 'round." You and Deaky smiled back as you set your feet inside his neat, welcoming flat. It was only the three of you present, no Roger or Brian just yet. After it had been a moment, you have gotten to the spare room.

"This is the only vacant room I have, so darlings I hope you can agree to share the bed." Freddie teased as you all went inside, which resulting John to blush, unable to protest. Luckily you immediately confirmed, "We'll manage, Freddie! Don't pinch on our noses like that!" The singer finally went off to mind his own business, leaving the two of you with a cocky smirk.

Completing several minutes of unpacking, you flop down on the nice, fluffy bed, which made your body bounce a bit. Your friend finished a minute late, though he asked, "Do you want me to ask him when are the other two coming over?" Thankful for his politeness, you nod your head yes with a small smile plastered on your face.

A few seconds passed and he came back in, he announced "They'll be here at dinner onwards." You replied with a hum, adjusting yourself in bed. The time on the clock caught your eye, which read 7:42. "Don't you wanna lie down and rest? We did woke up real early..." You suggested, now lying on your side.

"Actually yeah, I'd love to." He removed his jacket and switched to a more comfortable attire before joining in with you. The size of the bed was perfect and had enough room to possibly cuddle.

With the weird tension flaming up again, Deaky shyly asked,

"Are you okay with cuddles, Y/N...?"

Your eyes widened yet answered with a gentle, quiet tone, "Of course the hell I am! How on earth I wouldn't love 'em?" He happily laughs, wrapping his arms around you and holding you close. You did the same as you buried your face in his chest and giggled.

This was the first time you two slept together in one bed since 17 years.

Your eyes got heavier, though you let yourself fall to sleep. John was still awake, playing with your hair carefully. Later on, he whispered his thoughts out loud, but not loud enough to wake you up.

"I really wish you're mine and I'm yours, B. But I'm just a coward to tell you..."

"You're precious, you mean so much to me..."

"...That's why I love you so much. I mean it."

He continued fiddling with your H/C locks, as his mood was blue.

Suddenly the room's door creaked open, revealing a curious, yet concerned Freddie. "Is she asleep?"

Deaky nods, pursing his lips, keeping his eye fixated on you.

Freddie sneaks quietly over to him, "Do you love her?" He nods again with a hum. "You should tell her someday." John sighs, "If only I can..."

"She loves you, dear. Believe me, John."

—

@ixchel-9275

[alamanyar]

Now available on AO3 yayy joy; a skam italia fanfic words: 6.637 character’s pov: martino ships: martino x niccolò; martino & mamma rametta, martino & giovanni summary: a glimpse into the near future of martino’s life and his relationships with the people he cares most about. it’s funny, he feels like the luckiest boy in the world, and yet he worries about not being good enough. Luckily, there are people in his life, who remind him that he’s wanted.

joy ☆．。．:*･° It’s been a couple of weeks into the New Year and Martino couldn’t be happier. It seemed as if life finally made sense, as cheesy as it sounded; and yet. Most of the time, he found himself living in a content bubble. There was his new found identity, which gave him so much energy- sometimes he didn’t know what to do with it. His relationship with his mother kept improving with every day and he didn’t lie to his friends anymore. Well, only if it had something to do with Niccolò. He couldn’t count the times they had sneaked off to the bathroom on the second floor of the school building. They even ditched some meet-ups with the boys, because they rather stayed home to spend time alone together. But other than that, there was no need to lie anymore. Martino liked boys and he liked one boy especially. Nico never failed to keep him on his toes. He was quirky and challenging and he came up with the weirdest ideas. In January they had gone to the Villa Borghese gardens and when Nico unpacked his drawing tools, he spotted a marble statue he wanted to sketch− together with Martino in the picture. After a couple of minutes of ridiculous arguments, he gave in: Nico, with that smug look on his face kept drawing for what seemed like hours. His boyfriend always ended up directing him to pose like this or that, but mostly it was just fun, and watching him get excited over it was an expierence he would cherish forever. He only called it a day, when he started to freeze his ass off, after all, it was winter and all this posing and standing didn’t keep him warm. So basically, whenever he thought the boy he was lucky enough to be with had a weird idea, he ended up loving the idea. Easily.Nico embodied what he called loveable energy, sometimes lovable asshole energy, to add, and Martino wouldn’t have it any other way. He liked Nico the way he was. However, at the beginning of Feburary, his boyfriend started appearing a little bit uneasy. He didn’t get that far to call him restless, but he was somewhat alarmed. Actually, he always worried about him in the back of his head, but he could tone down the worry most of the time and just be a normal supportive boyfriend. Whatever normal was supposed to mean. He didn’t mention anything, because he felt like he would put pressure on him by doing so. And that was the last thing he wanted to do, so he remained silent and hoped being here with him was enough. On the last day of school into the second week of February, they went to his house to relax. They had no plans with the boys, so they decided to keep it quit. Nico was sketching on his bed while he sat on his desk researching for the Radio. Never in a million years had he thought that his Friday afternoons could come close to something like this. The thing was, they had talked about the new topic “Age of Discovery” for the Radio on the way to his house. Nico was hooked on geographical maps at once. There was something about getting lost in the imagination to go anywhere he wanted, even if it was only in his mind. Martino could understand that well. His mind had often drifted off to an imaginary world where there was no need to worry about coming out. A place where it didn’t matter whom he loved. A place where everything was easier to handle. But now that he was with Nico, he didn’t dream to escape from the real world anymore, only if it meant going someplace together with him. Perhaps that was why he ended up reading articles about the discovery of magnetic compasses and how it changed the world of navigation. He found that oddly fascinating. One day, he hoped they could navigate a ship together. There wouldn’t be need for compasses, for they were guiding each other. Just like now. Between Nico’s pencil flying over the sketchbook and his occasional typing on the keyboard, while Vespa noises interloped through the open window dancing together with indie music softly playing in the background. He floated through space it seemed, until he noticed Nico had stopped sketching eventually. He turned around from his desk and saw that his boyfriend had dozed off. He was lying on his side, drawing utensils still in his hand. A tiny bundle of black hair, halfway wrapped up. Martino wasn’t sure how long they had worked on their respective things, he kind of had lost track on time, but it obviously had been tiring for Nico. Or maybe, a voice whispered in the back of his mind, Nico was more tired than usual. And that could mean something else was up. He tried to burry that thought. Vehemently. Just stay calm, he told himself. Pay attention, but stay calm. He was starting to get hungry, but he wanted to lie down beside Nico for a while, so he went to his side of the bed and mirrored his boyfriend’s position. He was intent not to wake him when he got under the covers, but when he carefully took sketchbook and pencil from his grip, Nico mumbled something unintelligibly. “You were saying?” “Nothing.” “Oh? Then I have a ghost lying in my bed?” “Funny.” Marti chuckled and moved closer. He nuzzled his nose against Nico’s and kissed it softly. “It’s okay, we don’t have to talk. I can just sleep, too.“ “I wasn’t sleeping.” Then, after a pause. “I’m sorry.” “What for?” He nudged his shoulder gingerly. “I’m not really talkative today.” “What are you saying? We’ve talked.” “Not really since we got here.” “So?” Nico exhaled loudly. “You don’t have to talk all the time. Or do stuff. You know we can just lie here together.“ “You’re not worried?” “Why should I be worried?” He tried to sound causally, but instantly felt a rush spreading out on his cheeks. “That I’ve been sleepy lately.” “So you think I should?” “I don’t know, Marti. I don’t−” “Hey.” He put sketchbook and pencil under his pillow and started caressing his boyfriend’s cheek. “I don’t mind.” “What if, what if−” He listened to Nico struggling to get the words out. He knew, he knew what he was about to say. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear it. When Nico suffered, something deep inside of him stired. He continued stroking his cheek and witnessed a tear coming out of his eye. If there was a possibility to give him the world, he’d outright do it. “Hey, com’ere”, he mumbled and drew Nico to his chest. “Tell me. Are you worried?” “I’m worried about hurting you”, he half-whispered in reply. “Why?” “Because I already have. It could happen again. ”“That’s in the past. And if, you wouldn’t do it deliberately.” He planted a kiss on the top of Nico’s head and let his lips linger there for a while. “What if I do it again?” He felt his boyfriend disappear into his chest, as if he wanted to hide there and never face the real world again. Never face his fears and worries. He hugged him a little bit tighter and started to draw lazy circles on his back. “I don’t know. Let’s not worry too much about that, okay?” After a while, a hoarse whimper escaped Nico lips. “I don’t want to draw you into my mess.” “Don’t be ridiculous. I happen to like your mess.” Nico chuckled. It was soft, almost not audible. Maybe it happened out of pity. But it was there.Baby steps, he reminded himself. “You’re too good to me. You’re too good for me”, he heard him mumble drozily. “Well, I don’t think there exists something like being too good, but I’ll take the compliment, thank you.” Nico answered him with what appeared to be a failed nudge into his chest, followed by a deep grumble of him and then, a ghost of a kiss, planted where his heart was supposed to be. His hand found the back of Nico’s hair and he started running his fingers through them. “It’s okay, just sleep for a bit, hm?” After a while, Martino went back to drawing circles on his back. Lines and curves and what not followed, until he felt Nico fall asleep on his chest, breathing steadily with his face burried in the crook of his neck. He continued to hold him, yet when his stomach started making low rumble noises, he carefully untangled himself from Nico’s embrace. He made sure his boyfriend was covered comfortably when he left his room. ☆．。．:*･° He found his mother in the kitchen, who seemed to look for something inside of the fridge. “Hey ma”, he greeted. She turned around and gave him a smile. “Hey you.” “What are you looking for?” He pointed to the fridge. “Well something we can have for dinner. I don’t think we have enough for the three of us.” “No? Well, I don’t think Nico will eat with us today.” “He left without saying good-bye?” “No, no, he’s sleeping”, he calmed his mother down who was definitely shocked of the mere possibility. He grunted. “Why are you laughing, eh?” “No, I’m sorry. It’s just your face.” “Ah, so my face is funny now, too?” She laughed now as well, and he couldn’t help but crack up.“You know what?” “No, tell me.” “I’m happy you were offended that he’d leave without saying good-bye.” “Well, it’s not like him to do something like that, is it?” “No yeah, it really isn’t. It’s good to, uh, it’s good to see you get along well.” “He makes it rather easy. That boyfriend of yours and his charm. It’s really something.” “Yeah.” He looked down, grinning from ear to ear, before he lifted his head up again, looking at his mother, who was still standing in front of the fridge with her face aligned to him. She looked content. It was his favourite look on her, without a doubt. If only he could make it to never go away. “So listen, you don’t think he’ll be hungry when he wakes up? I could rush down to Samir to get some more ingredients.” “I’m not sure he will wake up anytime soon. He seemed really out of it. He’s probably sleeping through the night.” “Rough day at school?” “I’m not sure. More like a rough week, I think.” His mother closed the fridge and walked over to him still standing in the door. “What’s up, my love?”, she asked carefully, but with this fierceness of her that made him shiver. It was typical of his mother to know that there was something up with him and sometimes he wished she wasn’t capable to read him like a book. But she was, and so they were standing on the treshold looking at each other when he felt his eyes swell up with tears. He gulped. “If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine, Marti, just tell me.” She caressed his cheek and he gave in, cautiously at first, and then, an instant later, he hugged her to his chest. “Ouuff!” „Sorry. Sorry, ma” he breathed out. There was only dry air in his lungs. At least it felt like it. „No, no, it’s okay. Come, sit down.“ She tried to guide him to the table in the living room, but he held on to her. „Hey, hey“, his mother tried calming him down stroking his back and some short time later his hair. He suppressed a sob and only as he gained control of his breathing, he was ready to let go. After they settled down at the table, chairs facing each other, his mother took his hand and stroked it gently. It felt as if minutes passed until he could talk. „I’m… I’m worried he’s not feeling good. That… that something’s not right again and that I… that I can’t do anything to help him.” He suppressed another sob and looked into his mother eyes which a part of him regretted since she looked back at him worriedly. He had promised not to worry her anymore, didn’t he? Why couldn’t he keep his damn promise? „Marti, oh, my boy.” She enclosed his hands with her own, giving them a squeeze. „You’re doing enough, believe me. Your’re so good with him. Don’t doubt yourself, okay?” He tried to answer with a nod, but he was absolutely sure he failed regarding in that aspect, and so he gave his mother’s hand a little squeeze, so she’d know he had heard her at least. „Ma, I have been terrible to you when you were… suffering. And I’m so sorry for treating you badly then. I hope you know that.” He touched his brow and rubbed over the tiny hairs there to gather himself. He didn’t dare look at his mother. He was certain, he wouldn’t continue talking; so he straightened his back a little and carried forward. “I’m trying to-to be optimistic now, but what if he gets sick of that? What do I do when that’s not helping? Maybe I don’t understand him enough. I want to make him feel better and I know I can’t really do that, you know? It’s not up to me. Not entirely anyway.” He put his hand back on his thigh and immediately found it enveloped in his mother’s hand. „Marti, you’re doing wonderfully, believe me. Nico appreciates everything you do; I can see it in his eyes. If you are afraid, you’re being too optimistic or whatever it is, you can ask him. But listen, what matters most is that you stay true to yourself while trying to help him, okay? I think he wouldn’t feel comfortable sleeping in your bed right now, if there was a problem with what you’re doing.” „You really think that?” He finally looked up and found his mother gazing at him. She beamed with certainty. „I do. He can be himself here with you and that is all the answer you need. At least to me.” „He thinks he’s getting me down with his moods. With his disorder.” He wiped away a tear. And another. „Well, that’s normal I think. I mean, he’s afraid he’ll drown you with his sorrow and he wants to protect you from that. But those are moments he has, you know, it’s not always like that. He doesn’t have those kind of thoughts all the time. He doesn’t want to lose you, sure, but mostly, he just wants to feel better.” He glanced at his mother, who was giving him an encouraging nod.„Do you feel like that, too? When you are being down?“ She took a moment to answer. „Well, I always feel a heavy amount of regret. It is as if I have no control over disappointing people, especially you. I feel like I’m letting you down. I feel ashamed that I don’t have the power to make myself happy.“ He squeezed her hands. “You know, it isn’t your fault.“„And it isn’t Nico’s fault, nor yours. There’s nothing at fault here. It is what it is.“ He pondered a while over his mother’s words while she losened her grip on his hand. A moment later, he felt her caressing his cheek. It tickled. He smiled at her. „You really think I’m doing the right thing? Maybe I could be more thoughful?“ She softly tugged at some of his loose curls, before she brushed them to the side. „If you ask me that, then I think you’re precisely in the right place.“ He frowned at her. „Listen, ma, I know you understand Martinese, but I’m not sure I understand your own version of it.“ „Oh you little shithead.“ She pinched him in the cheek which he answered with a fake cry of hurt, more or less. „Listen, you are questioning whether you’re reacting correctly or not and I think that says it all. I am positive you shouldn’t change your behaviour, but I don’t have an answer to everything. So, I’d say go ask him, if you find the courage.“ „Okay.“„That boy of your needs reassurance. He doubts he’s not good enough for you… when he has these moments, alright? And I know it’s not always easy reassuring someone, especially those who are closest to you, but try to remember, he doesn’t do it in order to hurt or annoy you.“ „I think I understand what you mean.“ He gave his mother a little smile. „Marti?“ „Yes?“ She was at his hair again, before she took his face into her hands. „I’m so proud of you. I hope you know that. I haven’t said it often enough I think, and I’m sorry. But I am so very proud of you.” She nodded as if to support her message. “My brave boy.” He sensed a sudden warmth spreading out on his back and on his cheek. It flowed through his whole body, almost igniting him with fire.„Ma…“ He felt tears on his cheek, running to the corner of his mouth in speedlight. She gave him a kiss to the forhead and he almost lost the rest of his self-restraint. If it weren’t for her firm grip, he would have melted right on the spot, tumbling to the ground. „Let’s have dinner, yes? What do you say to pasta with pesto? There are enough ingredients to make it. We can always leave enough for Nico, if he decides to eat later.“ He hadn’t regained his composure yet, so he just nodded. When his mother stood up to leave for the kitchen, he tugged at her hands. „What is it? You don’t want to have pesto tonight?“ He smiled sheepishly. „You know I could eat that kind of pasta every night.“ „Well?“, she asked with a chuckle. He gave her hand a squeeze, something he had done quite a lot tonight, but this wasn’t one made of gratitude. He took a deep breath, and then, with as much wholeheartedness he was able to manage, he told her what he wished he had told her more frequently. “Ma, you’re the best mom one could hope for. I hope you know that. I love you, I really do. With all my heart.“ It’s funny, he thought, when he noticed the tears forming in her eyelids, he never felt more happy to have said those words. Never more grateful. For his mother’s eyes were shining with bliss. “Marti…” He stood up. „Okay, I think we cried enough for the day. And I’m really starving by the way. All this talk about my fave pasta?“ „Let’s make dinner, then”, she nodded, still regaining her composure. „You know, we could also watch something together.“ „Sure, if you feel like it.“ „Okay, but not this weird show you’ve been telling me about. I don’t wanna watch that.“ „And what do you wish to watch?“ „I don’t know.“ „Well, let’s talk this over, then.“ They walked back into the kitchen and started preparing everything for his favourite pasta. He sensed her glancing at him from time to time and he almost called her out on it, when she invaded his space − yet again − to give him another kiss on the cheek, telling him how much she loved him back and that he meant the world to her. Not with despair like it happened so many weeks ago, but with serenity and sincerity. Had his relationship with his mother ever been this good? Maybe, when he was still a child, he didn’t remember anymore. He wished he had been a lot nicer to her on many occasions, but maybe they were meant to lose their connection for a while. Just so they could be there for each other at this given moment. He knew he’d never dare hurt her again as he used to. He’d never hurt anyone like that again. He vowed this silently to himself, when he pestled the basil in the mortar. ☆．。．:*･° His mom had dozed off here and there into the third episode of ‘Medici: Masters of Florence.’ There were some scenes he’d rather had not watched with his mother being in the room, but other than that he enjoyed the storyline of the show. The Medici’s ambitions were inspiring and a bit scary at the same time. The visuals were breathtaking and Cosimo de’ Medici reminded him a bit of Nico. They both were attracted to art. In this dream-like kind of way, almost dissolving, yet always hungry for more. On the one hand he wanted to continue watching the show, but his mother had to go to bed and he himself felt getting tired as well. It also had been a while since he’d checked up on Nico and he had a guilty conscience about it. So, he wished his mother a good night’s sleep and started tidying up the kitchen. Just as he had finished putting the dishes into the dishwasher, his phone buzzed. It was Giovanni. {-Hey bro, what’s up? We spontaneously went out to this bar we talked about earlier. Do you guys wanna come? Luchì is already drunk as fuck. He is making weird dancing moves.-} Enclosed was a picture of Luca with what appeared to be coasters on his head. His friend’s hair was sticking out in all directions. He suppressed a chuckle and started typing a reply. No, fuck it, he thought and dialed his best friend’s number. “Pronto?” “Hey, what did you do to Luchì?” “Nothing! I swear! He just gets drunk super fast, you know that.” He heard Elia in the background bellowing profanities. “Alright alright, I believe you.” “So? The bar isn’t far from your house. You could be here in twenty minutes.” A pause. “If you guys want. I mean, is Nico still at your place?” “Yeah. Yeah he is. He’s sleeping though.” “Ah okay. Everything alright?” “Not sure.” “What’s up?” “For now he’s just tired, I think.” “You need anything?” He was leaning against the counter and took some time to answer. Shit, he really had the greatest best friend in the world. “Yo, you’re still there?” “Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I’m not… I’m not sure what you could do? I’m gonna go to bed soon, you know.” “Okay, bro. I’m sorry.” “What? Don’t worry.” “No, yeah, I mean we haven’t been here long. It kind of escalated quickly. I wanted to call you earlier, but I didn’t want to interrupt you guys or anything.” “Interrupt us?”’ “Yeah, I wasn’t sure what you guys were up to today, so.” He cleared his throat. “No, we were just- we weren’t really doing anything. Nico was drawing and I− wait, did you think you could interrupt us during sex?” He heard Giovanni making a weird voice, he wasn’t sure what exactly it was, but it sounded weird. “Like I’d be able to answer the phone then.” Giovanni snorted with laughter. “Sorry, bro. No. I mean yes, I’m not sure. I guess I just wanted to give you some space.” “Wait, why?” “I don’t know. I just− we’ve been doing a lot of stuff together. You know, with Nico, too. And I know you guys sometimes wanna hang out together just the two of you.” “Okay, but we already do that. I’m not sure I’m following you here.” “Listen, man−“ He heard Luca and Elia giggling in the background. “Wait a sec.” After a couple of seconds later, Giovanni was back at the other end of the phone, chuckling. He felt a weird knot in his stomach. They seemed to have fun. He spent many wicked nights just doing shit with the boys which he supposed they were doing now. It wasn’t as if he wanted to join them. Perhaps he did, but not like this. Not with Nico sleeping in his room or maybe not sleeping, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps he was twisting and turning under the blankets right now, hell, he didn’t know. If the day had been different, Nico would be standing with him in the kitchen, listening to the conversation and probably dragging him out to join the boys this instant. “Yo, bro, what is it with you and your pauses today?” “Sorry! I didn’t know you were back in the line.” Giovanni breathed into the ear cap audibly. “What’s up, Marti? I can hear you think.” “Oh God, you’re so annoying, you know that?”, he blurted out. “Come on, bro. Just tell me.” “It’s nothing. And by the way, you haven’t answered me yet.”Giovanni seemed to think about what he meant for a second, but he was quickly back on track. “Ah, about earlier. Well, I didn’t want to interrupt you guys, because I thought it was possible Nico would just sleep at yours. Like, I don’t know man, he looked fucking exhausted earlier.” “Yeah?” “Listen, it was obvious. And I know you noticed that. Of course, you did. And I respect that you don’t want to talk about his health with us. Or me.” “I’m not- I’m not excluding you, am I?” He touched his chin and rubbed over the skin a bit. “What? No, no, bro. Forget it.” “I’m not sure what’s happening right now anyway, but look, I’m sorry, if I am being weird about it.” “You’re not, relax. I mean it’s not that we don’t talk about it at all, you know? It’s all good. But just so you know, I know something’s up with you, too. And you can talk to me about it- if you want.” It was really obscure. He felt tears forming in his eyes for – he didn’t know for how many times – of the day. Giovanni continued talking. “You know, if you’re not sure what’s happening with Nico right now, why don’t you ask him? He won’t get weird about it. You talk about this stuff, right? Listen, he’s not gonna run away, because you’re not sure what’s up with him. Like this is so typical of you−“ “Fuck, you’re like my mom, I swear”, he interrupted his best friend. “I’m sorry, WHAT?” Giovanni failed to sound offended, he could clearly hear the amusement in his best friend’s voice. “Yeah. She told me something similar earlier. Like she thinks I’m handling it fine and all that, but I’m not sure.” “Well, she’s right. You know, you should listen to her all the time, dickhead.” “Fuck you.” “Right back at ya. So, maybe we can hang out tomorrow or on Sunday.” “Yeah, sure. What about FIFA? I think you need a nice lose.” “Hilarious. Listen, Elia started doing weird stuff now, too.” “Well, good to know a mom is with−“ “Fuck you! You better have called Nico’s mom, remember when−“ “I did that earlier, thank you very much.” His best friend chuckled at the other side of the line. “Okay. Later, bro.” “Giò?” “Yeah?” “Thanks, man.” “Welcome.” “Say hi to the guys.” “I will. Ciao, bro.” “Ciao.” As soon has they had ended the call, a sudden burst of fear hit him hard. It was something Giovanni had said and he lost track of his breathing just thinking about it. What the hell, Martino. Get it together. He managed to clean up the rest of the kitchen. He didn’t know how he did it, his mind kept going back to Giovanni’s words. Come on, you can do it. Face it. He went to brush his teeth in the bathroom and splashed water in his face. When he looked into the mirror, he didn’t like what he saw. He felt tired and that was exactly how he looked. Whatever he had to face, he couldn’t face it in this state. His phone buzzed on his way to his room and with a quick glance he saw that he had received a message from Filippo.j his can wait until morning, he thought, but ultimately decided against it. Filo had been a rock for him on many occasions. He was there for him when he was left all alone in Milan, and maybe it was his anxiety talking right then, but if it was an emergency, he’d never forgive himself. So, when he opened the message with a picture of a brown-haired man with the caption {-Whatcha think?-}, he breathed out a somewhat pathetic sound of relief. Goddamn, get it together. He replied with {-about to fall asleep. but he’d look good with you x-} and then muted his phone. Before he pressed down the doorknob, he breathed in and out a couple of times. His room was painted in low light since he didn’t turn off the lamp on his desk when he left earlier. Nico was lying on his belly with a pillow tucked underneath his torso. His dark curls were slightly illuminated and he took his time to look at him. His boyfriend had moved closer to the left side of the bed which he tended to do when he slept alone. His stomach made a flip. He felt a lot of things at the same time. Sadness, surely, because Nico wasn’t feeling so well. But most of all, he felt gratitude. Nico was here, lying in his bed. It was a miracle. Nico was his miracle. He continued standing in the exact same spot for a couple of minutes just looking at the beautiful sight in front of him. He was also waiting for the tears to stop. Quietly, he had started crying again. He wasn’t sure what it was that made him spill those many tears today, but they kept coming out of his eyelids with no restraint whatsoever. Maybe he stayed there for five minutes, maybe ten minutes passed until he moved to his closet to change into his pyjamas, he couldn’t tell. He thought about lying down in his nook beside the window, because he was afraid he’d wake up Nico when he’d join him under the blanket. It was just that he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. Which felt strange to say the least. Any other night, he would just lay down next to Nico no questions asked, but tonight it all felt so fragile. While he was grateful that Nico was here with him, he was also afraid. I don’t wanna lose him. His brain really went nuts today, he thought, as he tried shaking off any feeling of trepidation. With caution, he finally slipped under the blanket and waited to get warm. He arranged the pillow a bit and felt something poking his head. Nico’s sketchbook and his pencil. Right, he had put them there earlier. He fetched them and placed them on his bedside cabinet, with the pencil inside the book. It made the pages stick out a bit and he could catch a glance of what appeared to be a thread trailing through mountains? That’s what it looked like. He moved a bit closer to the bedside cabinet, when he heard Nico move. “Hey, whatcha doing? Stealing glances at forbidden goods?”, he teased groggily. “Hey, no. I−I was just putting your stuff away. It’s not very comfortable sleeping with them under my pillow, you know?” “You’re such a liar.” “You know nothing”, he answered and moved back to lay on his side, looking at his boyfriend. “Hey.” He touched his cheek cautiously and rubbed his thumb over the skin a bit. “Hey.” Nico put the pillow under his head, smiling sleepily, before he took his hand and enveloped it in his own. “How are you feeling?” “Exhausted.” “What can I do?”Nico kissed his hand which took him somewhat by surprise. He wasn’t sure why. “You’re already doing enough.” “Yeah?” “You’re like a fresh ocean’s breeze on a hot summer’s day.” He chuckled at his words. “How’s that?” “Well, you know that feeling, when it gets so hot during the summer you struggle breathing? And you’re looking for something to cool down? You’re at the beach or making a stop at a bar trying to escape from the dry air on the streets. And when a breeze brushes your face, it’s the best feeling in the world. It makes you feel alive again.” Nico pressed a kiss into the palm of his hand. His lips stayed there for a while, until he spoke again. “And you’re that breeze that never fades away that day entirely. Or on any day. You always come back.” Nico’s words left him stunned. He wasn’t as eloquent as him, so he did the only thing he could think of in that moment. With as much gentleness as he could muster, he rolled on top of Nico and took his head into his hands, balancing his weight with his elbows. He started with a kiss on his forehead. The soft skin under his eyes were next. “You know, I’d never leave in the first place.” He then kissed his nose, his upper lip, his cheeks, and finally, a kiss fully on the lips, hoping Nico could feel the promise he’d just given him. “If you don’t want me to leave, I won’t.” He smiled timidly at his boyfriend and then he positioned himself back on his side. Nico grabbed at his hand. “If I don’t want you to?” “Yeah.” “Marti, why should I want that? Why should I want you to leave?” He saw confusion in Nico’s eyes and he could have kicked himself. “Yeah, I mean…” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know. I- sometimes I’m afraid I’m doing something wrong… or you know, choose the wrong words. Maybe I’m too cheerful when you’re feeling down, maybe that will annoy you sooner or later, maybe I’m not thoughtful−“ “I can’t believe you’d say something like that. You absolute idiot.” He stayed silent and just looked at Nico who wore an incredulous look on his face. “Have I given you the impression that I don’t appreciate what you do? For me? I’m so incredibly thankful for everything; you have to know that, Marti. I know I’m impossible to handle at times, but I swear, I’d never want to make you uncomfortable. I swear…there’s no way I’d want you to leave. I swear…” He listened to Nico’s accelerated breathing and felt like the dumbest idiot. “I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “You did nothing wrong. It’s me. It’s my brain that thinks I’m not being good enough. I’m sorry.” He choked back tears. Nico mirrored his position without letting go of their entwined hands. “Marti…” “I’m sorry I put this weight on you, Ni. It wasn’t my intention. I just, sometimes I feel a little helpless. I haven’t handled my mother’s depression very well. I’ve been mean to her. I can’t be mean to you. I don’t ever wanna be mean to anybody again.” Nico moved closer to him until he could lay his head on top of his upper body. “You’re not, I promise.” He took a deep breath. “Hey, would you do me a favour?” A nod. “If I ever say something weird or inappropriate about your mental health and I’m too dumb to notice, will you tell me?” Nico puffed out a bit of air. “Okay. But there won’t be need to.” “Well, I’ve done it in the past. So, you never know, right.” “Marti, amore…” “I still need to learn a few things, I know that.” He felt feather-light caresses roaming over his chest. He took a moment to breathe it all in, and then his hand wandered to the back of Nico’s head and he started messaging his skin there. “That’s nice. You’re nice,” Nico mumbled after a while. “Well, I hope so. You’re not too bad either, you know.” He traced the shape of a heart, but the hair made it difficult. “Good to know.” His boyfriend emerged from his position somewhere between his upper body and upper arm. It was a good thing he hadn’t turned off the light, for Nico was full on grinning one of his extra bright smiles he seemed to reserve for him only. “I’m very much in love with you.” He felt the corner of his mouth skyrocket. “Ni, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.” He moved down to him so he could capture his lips with his own. Nico’s arm wandered to his shoulder where he tugged at his shirt. Soon, his boyfriend caressed his neck with his thumb and he sensed this incredible sensation there that also made his toes curl.Nico’s thumb wandered to his jawline, when he suddenly stopped. “Marti, you’re crying.” “I am?” They looked at each other and Nico started tracing his tears with a worried expression. “Ni.” “Marti, don’t cry.” “Ni, look at me.” He complied with his request, yet still carrying worry in his eyes. “Those are tears of joy, Ni.” There was something ghost-like in Nico’s expression, when he looked into his eyes, but they softened rather quickly.“Yeah?” “Yeah.” “Tears of joy?” “Tears of joy”, he chuckled. “Okay, that’s good, right?” A hesitant smile. “I suppose it is.” “Those are tears” – he traced the path of them on his cheek – “tears of joy, because you’re so godamn lucky you’re with me?” It wasn’t really a question, more like a challenge. Nico looked smug. He smiled benignly. “Yeah, just like I said, dumbass.” And Nico’s body trembled of laughter. Softly, because it was a long day and he still looked very exhausted, but when his laughter emerged from deep inside of his belly, well, it was his favourite sound and he’d do anything to hear it. See it. Feel it. He tugged at Nico’s arm. “Come on, let’s sleep.” “You’re bossy today.” “Oh? But it’s part of my job, remember?” He felt Nico wrap himself up on his upper body again. “I don’t want you to think of this as a job, you know.” “I don’t see it like that. I’d never treat you like that. You know that, right? This is just my dumb humour.” “Ah, here we are. You finally admit you’ve got a weird sense of humour.” “Ha. Just go to sleep will you.” “You’re really something, huh?” Nico’s words became slurred again. He hugged him tight to his chest feeling his own exhaustion wash over him. “We’ll talk tomorrow if you want. Maybe I have a question or two for you.” “Sure. But don’t cry again, okay?” “I’ll try.” “Only tears of joy, Marti.” “Okay, Ni.” “Goodnight.“ “Goodnight.” He planted a kiss on the top of his head. “Sleep well.” He sensed a kiss grazing his neck and a sigh escaped his lips. It was fascinating how fast Nico fell asleep on his chest. It didn’t take long and he was listening to his steady breathing. While he was tired out himself, he didn’t fell asleep right away. No, he concentrated on Nico’s breathing instead which made the rest of his uneasiness disappear bit by bit. He drew circles on his back occasionally thinking how lucky he was that he could be here with him. Tomorrow, they could talk more seriously, if Nico was up for it. Perhaps he’d been a bit overprotective. But he didn’t want to think about that anymore. There was no rush. The boy he fell in love with last autumn was lying in his arms and all was good in the world again. He turned his head so he could lay it down on Nico’s, and right before he drifted off, he sensed wetness emerging from his eyes. But he smiled. He smiled, because those weren’t tears of sadness. Not at all, no. ☆．。．:*･° fin ☆．。．:*･°

[immortalvenas]

For What I Had Wished

For What I Had Wished (A Short Story) It was shortly after it had ended, and I was planning on moving back “home.” He was tired, and I was restless. The day had been long, not to mention emotionally exhausting. Despite this fact, we had decided to devote an evening out with some friends at a karaoke bar. This way, I could spend time with the people that I cared about the most before I left. I knew the night would be filled with people saying, “goodbye,” “see you soon,” and, “come visit me,” but it never felt like I was actually leaving… There was a sense of permanency in the CV that just kept people there, like a tree that had buried its roots deep, down into the Earth for the eternal life that it so craved. Heartbreakingly enough, this energy still exists. One can feel it like an imprint that was left yet can never dissipate – you are marked for life. Departures such as these did not make much sense to me anyway. The word “goodbye” had never really been designed for me – it was too perpetual. For this reason, I preferred to say, “see you soon,” or, “talk to you later” when temporarily parting from those that I loved. Standing true for me, regardless of the amount of time that would pass before seeing one another again. This is something that he knew about me because it was one of those things that we had discussed at the beginning of our now-dying relationship. It was one of those cheesy evenings in which we were trying to hang up with one another on the phone – the classic “you hang up first” scenario. However, as he did with a lot of things, I am sure that he forgot about that as well. Or, at least, he just didn’t care. It was strange, though… After everything had ended, he was, what seemed like at the time, more incredible than he had been during the almost-three-years that we were together. He was acting and behaving how he had in the beginning. If not, better – before he changed. Being more attentive, loving, caring, and being there for me no matter what. For once, I felt as if everything was mutual. Nevertheless, he continued to lie. Isn’t that sad? Although looking back, he and I had both changed. He began “forgetting” everything, lying, and manipulating the people around him, and I became more guarded, less trusting, and more confused than I had ever been throughout the entirety of my existence. Unfortunately, those are things that I did not realize until the last day. But that is a story for another time… My Mother had called that evening and stirred the pot while we were all at the karaoke bar. This conversation led me into being fearful of going “home” to SD; the unknown. Explicitly when I already had a stable environment in the CV, surrounded by amazing friends. I had gone outside to take the call, so I would not disturb the others – to save comfort zones and curious, questioning eyes. He joined me outside shortly after and sat on the ground next to me, listening in on the call. Our bodies were touching while he caressed my leg to soothe. Eyes that resembled turquoise and old blue-jeans simultaneously asked about what was going on and begged to know if I was okay. After I hung up, I sat there in silence, not sure what to do, or if I could even speak. Nothing was going as planned. This was not easy, and that was something that I did not ever want to admit…especially to him. As my eyes welled up with tears, he leaned in and kissed me on the side of the head. “Are you okay?” He asked. This simple question pulled me from my racing thoughts that were tumbling about inside of my head. This made me cognizant of the fact that I really wasn’t as alone as I once thought I was. At that moment, I was exceedingly aware of his presence, which made it more difficult to coherently pull what I wanted to say out of my mind. “I’m not sure what to do.” I finally mustered, looking from nothing in particular, to him, and then back to nothing again. “What happened?” He asked, persisting, and I found myself at a loss for words once more. He must have noticed my hesitation then because he started with something else. Something unexpected. “You know, I will always be here for you, right?” That is when I looked over at him, not sure if his words were true or not, but I desperately wanted to believe him. Sighing, I looked down before responding. “It was my Mom on the phone,” I said. “Is everything okay?” He asked. And before I had the chance to respond, our friends had decided to join us outside, giving us a strange look when they noticed how close we were sitting to one other. He noticed it too because he quickly made some distance between us. I suppose that is to be expected when things end between two people, and others are not attuned to the fact that there is more to the story than words and over-bearing actions. Everyone enquiring, I explained what had happened and our evening of farewells had transformed into an evening of, “Yay, you’re staying” and, “See you later!” Maybe I shouldn’t have listened to anyone that night, and perhaps I should have just left, but that was something that I did not do. Everybody got into their vehicles, and we all drove our separate ways; he and I still riding together. The plan was for him to drop me off and head on home so he wouldn’t worry his parents (who had randomly put a curfew into place, that he had mentioned detesting, yet it only seemed to be enacted when I was involved). Upon arriving at my place, he helped me bring my belongings inside, and that could have been all… But it wasn’t that simple. When he and I climbed the stairs together and entered my room, he laid down on my bed and told me that he was glad that I was staying. He also stated that he wished that he had never broken up with me, all before glancing over and making eye-contact. I was still just standing there, more than confused, yet feeling more content than I had in quite a while. Perhaps, he was merely gaging my reaction and not being serious with the statements that he was making. I could never be too sure after everything that had taken place between the two of us. Then, he told me that he was tired. A fact that we both already knew, but it was revealed all the same. That was when I suggested that he go home to get some sleep and have time to himself since it had been a long day. However, he mentioned that he was too tired to drive. I offered to drive him home and said that he could pick the truck up in the morning. He refused and said, “I think that I’m going to take a short nap so I can drive back in a little bit.” Nodding, I stated, “Okay, if that’s what you want to do. I have to begin unpacking and take a shower so I will probably be back in about a half an hour or so.” He nodded in agreement before saying, “I love you.” I paused at the door for a moment, not really sure what to say, attempting to quiet my mind again from all of its inquisitions. I caught myself saying, “I love you, too,” as if those three words were still natural to say…to him. He smiled at my response before rolling over, and I found myself questioning us, our friendship, our passing relationship, and just everything that had happened. Grabbing some of my belongings, I walked towards the shower, lost in thought. Time flew by, as it always did when I was in my own head, and by the time I had made it back to my room, nearly forty minutes had passed. I noticed that he was still sleeping and had a mental battle with myself on whether or not I should wake him. I did not want him getting into trouble by his parents (he talked about it enough), but I also wanted him to make it home safely. I decided to cover him with a blanket and let him sleep. Not wanting to disturb him, I took the time to pull out one of my sketchpads and a mechanical pencil. Sitting on my floor drawing, while synchronously texting my Sister and telling her that I would not be driving down, I had strangely never felt more at peace. Although the situation was more than confusing, my mind could not help but wonder about the “what if’s.” At those thoughts, I looked up at him, and in that moment, I knew… I knew that if he hadn’t been so afraid of commitment… That if he wanted to take that step (leap, really)… I knew that if he could just be himself… And if he could live the life that he wanted… …if he stopped letting other people control his life… I knew that the brief yet comforting moment that I was experiencing could have been what we had – art, family, friends, faith, late nights and early mornings, cups of coffee, random road trips, travel, bonfires, stories to tell…and such a deep love to share – being surrounded by an ever-flowing contentedness and creativity, not to mention inspiration – true and unconditional happiness. An alternate future had flashed itself on the canvas of my mind, but just like us, it was over before it had even begun. Blinking away stinging eyes, I looked back down at my sketchbook, mentally questioning what the both of us were doing while wiping the tears away before they soaked into the paper below me. I then ran my thumbs under my eyes soon after to catch any stray drops of salty water from falling further. How could something so messy feel so peaceful? Doodling on the beautifully textured paper on my lap, I heard him stirring before his voice drifted my way with a sleepy, yet happy, “Hello.” My eyes flicked up, catching his, and I noticed that he was laying on his side, smiling, and I couldn’t help but smile back. “Hello,” I said in return. Sitting up, he patted the spot on the bed next to him, motioning for me to come and sit. After tucking away my sketchpad, I asked, “How did you sleep?” Before complying. “Good. I really needed it.” He said. “Yeah, I can imagine,” I replied. He and I both smiled at each other before glancing down at our phones and their annoying, brightly-lit screens, checking the time. This had become a sad little ritual of ours. “You should probably go,” I said, thinking about his parents being worried again (although I knew it was just another lie of his). “Yeah, I probably should,” he replied. “My parents will probably question where I was at so late when I get home. They have been doing that lately. Accusing me of all sorts of things that I haven’t done. Typically, I would just tell them that I would stay the night but…” Since his statement trailed off, I continued for him. Besides, I got the gist. “I know,” I said. “You’ve been out with me.” He nodded in concurrence, and that should have been another red flag for me, but I never caught on until it was too late… All of that time, I thought it was them that didn’t like me. Notably, based on the things that he had told me that they had said. But even that was an illusion, and I am never really going to know what was real, and what was fake. At this point, nobody really knows…except for him. He stood up from my bed, slipping past me and towards the door. He and I opened it and quietly made our way down the stairs and out to the truck. The two of us stood by the driver’s side door, and it seemed like the world was silent – as if he and I were the only two people in existence in those ever-fading minutes that had passed by too quickly. He pulled me into him, and his warmth wrapped itself tightly around me, making me oddly aware of how much colder the nights had been getting. And as he and I stood there under the moonlight, the world felt so serene that the sounds of crickets never even orchestrated in the atmosphere as they usually had. Realization hit… This was it, for both of us. No matter what happened from this point forward, this was the official end to our tragic love story. If we could even call it that. After what felt like a lifetime, for the first time, I was the one who pulled away first. A rarity, for I am one who thinks that there isn’t any sense in valedictions. “Goodnight,” I said, smiling as much as I could. I did not want him to notice how much I wanted to break down and cry. At the time, I had not realized how much this simple “goodnight” had actually been a “goodbye” in disguise. Taking a step forward, almost like he had read my mind, he cupped my face in between his two palms, and I could have sworn that he was going to kiss me…just as he had almost every day since our relationship ceased. But he didn’t. He looked deep into my eyes, and I looked back into his. When I thought that he would embrace me again, he kissed me on the forehead. It was then that I knew for sure… He felt it was officially over, just as I had thought. It had ended the same way that it had begun – with that beautifully planted kiss to the forehead. As if a seed of trust and love could be embedded in any other way. Or singed. “Goodnight, love.” He said, before taking a step back and looking into my eyes again. Not knowing what to do at that moment, I too said, “Goodnight, love.” I had been more redundant than I would have liked. Nevertheless, within that instant, like a marionette being led on strings by its master, I just let my body carry me forward. And before I knew it, I was kissing him on the forehead as well. We smiled at one another, and I took a step back, as he turned and opened the truck’s door. He sat down in the driver’s seat, looking at me the entire time. “Sleep well,” he said. I nodded and tipped my invisible hat like I usually and comically did when we would part. That is if we weren’t kissing. As I was walking around the truck to the sidewalk that laid in front of the house, he closed the driver’s side door, started the engine, and mouthed, “I love you.” I mouthed those three words back to him before he drove away, for what I had wished was the last time. ~I. M. Mortal https://www.facebook.com/2037593226324046/posts/2122977687785599/

[itsnebulous]

BOND THROUGH BANDS

Well I know when you're around ‘cause I know the sound I know the sound, of your heart... bzzz bzz bzz

I woke up by the annoying vibration of my alarm, I checked the time and good lord my alarm has been buzzing for about half an hour now! I don't remember snoozing it off but damn my train for London leaves in 20 minutes. My earphones are tangled all over my neck. I could literally hear my mum inside my head saying “You should not sleep with your earphones on Bailee!” I'm sorry mum but your loving daughter just did. I must have fallen asleep again while on my phone last night. It has become my habit now to pass out while scrolling through my socials, I mean that's just pure talent. Music is my thing but not in the way that I'm great at instruments. It's just that I love listening to bands.

As I hurry to the bathroom to take a shower, I tripped over my sketchbooks. I don't remember my flat being this messy. Dirty clothes are piling on the chair beside my disastrous closet, books are everywhere on the dusty carpet. The only thing in order are my shelves of books and music albums which is also now getting dusty. Surprisingly the kitchen area is clean, maybe because I am always out at the city to eat out with my classmates after school. I got out of the shower with ten minutes to spare. I have no time for my indecisiveness on what clothes to wear so I pulled off my go-to outfit. I tucked my favourite yellow sweater on my jeans and put on my worn out Converse then grabbed my coat that is hung on the back of my door before sprinting to the elevator.

As I got out on the streets, tourists are everywhere, typical for Brighton though even if it's freezing cold. But today is warmer, the sun is actually out which is very unusual for December. I'm almost near at the station when Lily texted me:

“BAILEE WHERE ARE U?!”

But before I can even type my answer, she called

“Sis the train is about to leave in two minutes” I can imagine with her tone how pissed she is at me.

“I’m almost there. I’m like twenty steps away”

“That better be not a lie”

“I swear it's not- and oh she already hang up”.

We made it to London without having a fight. She is already used to my shenanigans on my morning routines which always make me late. Lily is just pressed that I missed breakfast with her at the cafe.

“Why on Earth are you late this time my beloved friend? Bet you had your concert again while in the shower”, she said sarcastically.

“Oh stop it, you know I can't miss my singing ritual whilst in the shower”, I teased her.

“Also, I'm not late duh I made it exactly at 8 am”. Lily has always been the early bird kind of friend during meet ups and I am most certainly the buzzer beater type.

Roaming around the city of London is always my favourite. I have lived here three years ago when I first came to England yet every time I walk along its streets and pass by its shops, I keep falling in love like it's the first time. The telephone booths are still class even though no one uses it. Everything about this city is so aesthetic. Lily and I spent half of the day going through some of the places London is known for as if we are tourists.

“It's ridiculous that I've lived in London most of my life but still haven't ridden this until now". We are now inside a carriage on top of the London eye.

“ I can't say the same. I mean I lived here only a few years back and I even barely go out then but it's never too late to be a tourist you know”.

The view on top is amazing, cityscape and sunset is picture perfect. I just wish that I am seeing this with Matty right now if he hadn't left me. I guess this is it again, I have fallen on my whirlpool of grief that keeps dragging me down. It's been years but why didn't I learn to handle the pain.

2 years ago...

London street is busy as ever yet the holiday spirit is very alive. Every one on the city is on their layered coats as it is freezing cold. It's two more weeks until Christmas and the shops are all packed with those who are gift shopping. I am probably the most loneliest person in London because I actually have no one to celebrate Christmas with as I just moved. I have Lily and our friends but they’re all going home for the holidays.

Today is the last day of school before our Christmas break so we planned a night out at Winter Wonderland.

“Here's the thing Bailee, a Christmas holiday of a typical London resident wouldn't be complete without a night here", Millie said as we walk toward the entrance of the giant Christmas carnival. Millie is my street smart friend who always got my back the first time I got in London.

“Really?”, and as I ask this I confirmed what Millie just said, the place is crowded and sparkly with its lights. The people are in their high spirits as they are in queue for the rides. I could never be that person who is excited for the rides. Before I even know it, my friends are already in line calling me to join them.

“BAILEE AREN'T YOU GOING TO JOIN US?”, Josh screamed.

“ I'D RATHER WATCH YOU FROM HERE. I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS.”, I answered. The music is getting loud now from what I hear from the people passing by is from the beer tent.

“ARE YOU SURE???” asked Lily looking concerned.

“YEAHHHH, MEET YOU AT THE BEER TENT MAYBE?”

I barely heard their answer but I'm sure I heard Millie say “oh she'll do just fine, she can manage now". Thanks Millie for your confidence but I am actually anxious going alone inside the beer tent. But I am eager to see what's going on in there because I can hear a band playing.

There's a reason why I never returned your calls I wish I could forget it all But I never returned your calls ‘Cause I'd fall again.

“Holy cow they are singing a Blossoms' song" , I whispered to myself out of excitement.

I made my way in front of the crowd. The people inside the tent are all chattery and loud but I could only hear the song playing, my favourite song. I caught the vocalist' attention maybe because of my aggressiveness to get in front. I got lost on his gaze, his deep blue eyes melted me, the curls of his hair is so soft. It is their last song to play. After they played, he went to sit beside me which is weird because we don't even know each other.

“Hi” he said shyly.

A cute band vocalist who is a stranger just talked to me, how am I supposed to reply. “Hello?”

“You sound so confused" he said giggling.

“Uhmmm yes? I am confused because a stranger who just sung my favourite song is talking to me out of context”, I blurted out.

“Oh I actually approached you because of your reaction while we were playing ‘your favourite song’ "

“Why so?”

“Because it's so obvious that you really like the song and you were the only one here who seems to appreciate it. Does it remind you of someone?”

“Honestly no, I just really love it. The tune, its lyrics is just perfect for me.”

“Guess we are the same then".

After my weird moment with that guy, my friends finally came to have a beer. Mr. Stranger was about to leave when I asked his name.

“It's Matty”

That's how Matty and I started. After that night, he invited me to watch shows and gigs. The drive back home is always my favourite. We take detours just to spend more time talking about each other with good music on the background.

“Cityscapes are just beautiful, aren't they?” I said while looking out the window.

“Not as beautiful and bright as you”

“Stop being so cute please”, that's the only reaction I could do with his smooth cheesy lines.

As months of hanging out together goes by, we fall deeper and deeper with each other. Matty gave my room a make over. Ever since I moved in London my flat doesn't look like home so he gave it an artistic touch. He painted the walls, built me a desk and shelves. We also hung posters of our favourite bands. After redecorating my room, it now feels home and cosy. He stayed until midnight so that we could listen to the new album of the 1975 together.

“I guess this could be our new jam then" he said with enthusiasm in his eyes.

“I love the idea", I answered.

I knew he was already sleepy when he said goodnight before driving back home. I didn't want him to drive anymore because it's already late but he insisted because he's worried about his sister so I let him.

“Call me when you get home ok? Drive safely”

“Ok I love you” he said.

I don't recall the next months after. It is as blurry as when my tears won't stop falling for him. Matty have left me. Matty never returned my calls not because he's scared of falling again for me. He never returned my calls because he's gone. How I wish we could've said our goodbyes. I should've said I love you too while I still can. But it is all too late now.

Matty is the reason why I moved to Brighton. Everything about London reminds me of him especially at this time. He once asked me to ride the London eye with him but I refused because I was scared and anxious.. What I did not know is could never see this view with him anymore. I should have said yes back then but my anxiety ate me. Up until now his memory still haunts me even in Brighton. I never had the courage to clean up my room because I keep remembering when he decorated my room. Now I can finally say that ‘There's a Reason Why (I Never Returned Your Calls) by Blossoms reminds me of someone.

Before I even get drowned by my whirlpool of grief, Lily brought me back to reality.

“Bailee are you alright?”

“Yeah I think I am"

I still find parts of you. In the corners of my bedroom. Someday comes too soon. The radio plays our favourite tune again.

[alamanyar]

joy; a skam italia fanfic

words: 6.391 character’s pov: martino ships: martino x niccolò; martino & mamma rametta, martino & giovanni summary: a glimpse into the near future of martino’s life and his relationships with the people he cares most about. it’s funny, he feels like the luckiest boy in the world, and yet he worries about not being good enough.

disclaimer: english is not my mother tongue. i hope there won’t be any grave mistakes that will make you turn away from the story. if it’s the story(-line), then fine, that’s fair enough, but yeah i hope i didn’t embarrass myself. enjoy :’)

joy ☆．。．:*･° It’s been a couple of weeks into the New Year and Martino couldn’t be happier. It seemed as if life finally made sense, as cheesy as it sounded; and yet. Most of the time, he found himself living in a content bubble. There was his new found identity, which gave him so much energy- sometimes he didn’t know what to do with it. His relationship with his mother kept improving with every day and he didn’t lie to his friends anymore. Well, only if it had something to do with Niccolò. He couldn’t count the times they had sneaked off to the bathroom on the second floor of the school building. They even ditched some meet-ups with the boys, because they rather stayed home to spend time alone together. But other than that, there was no need to lie anymore. Martino liked boys and he liked one boy especially. Nico never failed to keep him on his toes. He was quirky and challenging and he came up with the weirdest ideas. In January they had gone to the Villa Borghese gardens and when Nico unpacked his drawing tools, he spotted a marble statue he wanted to sketch− together with Martino in the picture. After a couple of minutes of ridiculous arguments, he gave in: Nico, with that smug look on his face kept drawing for what seemed like hours. His boyfriend always ended up directing him to pose like this or that, but mostly it was just fun, and watching him get excited over it was an expierence he would cherish forever. He only called it a day, when he started to freeze his ass off, after all, it was winter and all this posing and standing didn’t keep him warm. So basically, whenever he thought the boy he was lucky enough to be with had a weird idea, he ended up loving the idea. Easily.Nico embodied what he called loveable energy, sometimes lovable asshole energy, to add, and Martino wouldn’t have it any other way. He liked Nico the way he was. However, at the beginning of Feburary, his boyfriend started appearing a little bit uneasy. He didn’t get that far to call him restless, but he was somewhat alarmed. Actually, he always worried about him in the back of his head, but he could tone down the worry most of the time and just be a normal supportive boyfriend. Whatever normal was supposed to mean. He didn’t mention anything, because he felt like he would put pressure on him by doing so. And that was the last thing he wanted to do, so he remained silent and hoped being here with him was enough. On the last day of school into the second week of February, they went to his house to relax. They had no plans with the boys, so they decided to keep it quit. Nico was sketching on his bed while he sat on his desk researching for the Radio. Never in a million years had he thought that his Friday afternoons could come close to something like this. The thing was, they had talked about the new topic “Age of Discovery” for the Radio on the way to his house. Nico was hooked on geographical maps at once. There was something about getting lost in the imagination to go anywhere he wanted, even if it was only in his mind. Martino could understand that well. His mind had often drifted off to an imaginary world where there was no need to worry about coming out. A place where it didn’t matter whom he loved. A place where everything was easier to handle. But now that he was with Nico, he didn’t dream to escape from the real world anymore, only if it meant going someplace together with him. Perhaps that was why he ended up reading articles about the discovery of magnetic compasses and how it changed the world of navigation. He found that oddly fascinating. One day, he hoped they could navigate a ship together. There wouldn’t be need for compasses, for they were guiding each other. Just like now. Between Nico’s pencil flying over the sketchbook and his occasional typing on the keyboard, while Vespa noises interloped through the open window dancing together with indie music softly playing in the background. He floated through space it seemed, until he noticed Nico had stopped sketching eventually. He turned around from his desk and saw that his boyfriend had dozed off. He was lying on his side, drawing utensils still in his hand. A tiny bundle of black hair, halfway wrapped up. Martino wasn’t sure how long they had worked on their respective things, he kind of had lost track on time, but it obviously had been tiring for Nico. Or maybe, a voice whispered in the back of his mind, Nico was more tired than usual. And that could mean something else was up. He tried to burry that thought. Vehemently. Just stay calm, he told himself. Pay attention, but stay calm. He was starting to get hungry, but he wanted to lie down beside Nico for a while, so he went to his side of the bed and mirrored his boyfriend’s position. He was intent not to wake him when he got under the covers, but when he carefully took sketchbook and pencil from his grip, Nico mumbled something unintelligibly. “You were saying?” “Nothing.” “Oh? Then I have a ghost lying in my bed?” “Funny.” Marti chuckled and moved closer. He nuzzled his nose against Nico’s and kissed it softly. “It’s okay, we don’t have to talk. I can just sleep, too." “I wasn’t sleeping.” Then, after a pause. “I’m sorry.” “What for?” He nudged his shoulder gingerly. “I’m not really talkative today.” “What are you saying? We’ve talked.” “Not really since we got here.” “So?” Nico exhaled loudly. “You don’t have to talk all the time. Or do stuff. You know we can just lie here together.“ “You’re not worried?” “Why should I be worried?” He tried to sound causally, but instantly felt a rush spreading out on his cheeks. “That I’ve been sleepy lately.” “So you think I should?” “I don’t know, Marti. I don’t−” “Hey.” He put sketchbook and pencil under his pillow and started caressing his boyfriend’s cheek. “I don’t mind.” “What if, what if−” He listened to Nico struggling to get the words out. He knew, he knew what he was about to say. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear it. When Nico suffered, something deep inside of him stired. He continued stroking his cheek and witnessed a tear coming out of his eye. If there was a possibility to give him the world, he’d outright do it. “Hey, com’ere”, he mumbled and drew Nico to his chest. “Tell me. Are you worried?” “I’m worried about hurting you”, he half-whispered in reply. “Why?” “Because I already have. It could happen again. ”“That’s in the past. And if, you wouldn’t do it deliberately.” He planted a kiss on the top of Nico’s head and let his lips linger there for a while. “What if I do it again?” He felt his boyfriend disappear into his chest, as if he wanted to hide there and never face the real world again. Never face his fears and worries. He hugged him a little bit tighter and started to draw lazy circles on his back. “I don’t know. Let’s not worry too much about that, okay?” After a while, a hoarse whimper escaped Nico lips. “I don’t want to draw you into my mess.” “Don’t be ridiculous. I happen to like your mess.” Nico chuckled. It was soft, almost not audible. Maybe it happened out of pity. But it was there.Baby steps, he reminded himself. “You’re too good to me. You’re too good for me”, he heard him mumble drozily. “Well, I don’t think there exists something like being too good, but I’ll take the compliment, thank you.” Nico answered him with what appeared to be a failed nudge into his chest, followed by a deep grumble of him and then, a ghost of a kiss, planted where his heart was supposed to be. His hand found the back of Nico’s hair and he started running his fingers through them. “It’s okay, just sleep for a bit, hm?” After a while, Martino went back to drawing circles on his back. Lines and curves and what not followed, until he felt Nico fall asleep on his chest, breathing steadily with his face burried in the crook of his neck. He continued to hold him, yet when his stomach started making low rumble noises, he carefully untangled himself from Nico’s embrace. He made sure his boyfriend was covered comfortably when he left his room. ☆．。．:*･° He found his mother in the kitchen, who seemed to look for something inside of the fridge. “Hey ma”, he greeted. She turned around and gave him a smile. “Hey you.” “What are you looking for?” He pointed to the fridge. “Well something we can have for dinner. I don’t think we have enough for the three of us.” “No? Well, I don’t think Nico will eat with us today.” “He left without saying good-bye?” “No, no, he’s sleeping”, he calmed his mother down who was definitely shocked of the mere possibility. He grunted. “Why are you laughing, eh?” “No, I’m sorry. It’s just your face.” “Ah, so my face is funny now, too?” She laughed now as well, and he couldn’t help but crack up.“You know what?” “No, tell me.” “I’m happy you were offended that he’d leave without saying good-bye.” “Well, it’s not like him to do something like that, is it?” “No yeah, it really isn’t. It’s good to, uh, it’s good to see you get along well.” “He makes it rather easy. That boyfriend of yours and his charm. It’s really something.” “Yeah.” He looked down, grinning from ear to ear, before he lifted his head up again, looking at his mother, who was still standing in front of the fridge with her face aligned to him. She looked content. It was his favourite look on her, without a doubt. If only he could make it to never go away. “So listen, you don’t think he’ll be hungry when he wakes up? I could rush down to Samir to get some more ingredients.” “I’m not sure he will wake up anytime soon. He seemed really out of it. He’s probably sleeping through the night.” “Rough day at school?” “I’m not sure. More like a rough week, I think.” His mother closed the fridge and walked over to him still standing in the door. “What’s up, my love?”, she asked carefully, but with this fierceness of her that made him shiver. It was typical of his mother to know that there was something up with him and sometimes he wished she wasn’t capable to read him like a book. But she was, and so they were standing on the treshold looking at each other when he felt his eyes swell up with tears. He gulped. “If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine, Marti, just tell me.” She caressed his cheek and he gave in, cautiously at first, and then, an instant later, he hugged her to his chest. “Ouuff!” „Sorry. Sorry, ma” he breathed out. There was only dry air in his lungs. At least it felt like it. „No, no, it’s okay. Come, sit down.“ She tried to guide him to the table in the living room, but he held on to her. „Hey, hey“, his mother tried calming him down stroking his back and some short time later his hair. He suppressed a sob and only as he gained control of his breathing, he was ready to let go. After they settled down at the table, chairs facing each other, his mother took his hand and stroked it gently. It felt as if minutes passed until he could talk. „I’m… I’m worried he’s not feeling good. That… that something’s not right again and that I… that I can’t do anything to help him.” He suppressed another sob and looked into his mother eyes which a part of him regretted since she looked back at him worriedly. He had promised not to worry her anymore, didn’t he? Why couldn’t he keep his damn promise? „Marti, oh, my boy.” She enclosed his hands with her own, giving them a squeeze. „You’re doing enough, believe me. Your’re so good with him. Don’t doubt yourself, okay?” He tried to answer with a nod, but he was absolutely sure he failed regarding in that aspect, and so he gave his mother’s hand a little squeeze, so she’d know he had heard her at least. „Ma, I have been terrible to you when you were… suffering. And I’m so sorry for treating you badly then. I hope you know that.” He touched his brow and rubbed over the tiny hairs there to gather himself. He didn’t dare look at his mother. He was certain, he wouldn’t continue talking; so he straightened his back a little and carried forward. “I’m trying to-to be optimistic now, but what if he gets sick of that? What do I do when that’s not helping? Maybe I don’t understand him enough. I want to make him feel better and I know I can’t really do that, you know? It’s not up to me. Not entirely anyway.” He put his hand back on his thigh and immediately found it enveloped in his mother’s hand. „Marti, you’re doing wonderfully, believe me. Nico appreciates everything you do; I can see it in his eyes. If you are afraid, you’re being too optimistic or whatever it is, you can ask him. But listen, what matters most is that you stay true to yourself while trying to help him, okay? I think he wouldn’t feel comfortable sleeping in your bed right now, if there was a problem with what you’re doing.” „You really think that?” He finally looked up and found his mother gazing at him. She beamed with certainty. „I do. He can be himself here with you and that is all the answer you need. At least to me.” „He thinks he’s getting me down with his moods. With his disorder.” He wiped away a tear. And another. „Well, that’s normal I think. I mean, he’s afraid he’ll drown you with his sorrow and he wants to protect you from that. But those are moments he has, you know, it’s not always like that. He doesn’t have those kind of thoughts all the time. He doesn’t want to lose you, sure, but mostly, he just wants to feel better.” He glanced at his mother, who was giving him an encouraging nod.„Do you feel like that, too? When you are being down?“ She took a moment to answer. „Well, I always feel a heavy amount of regret. It is as if I have no control over disappointing people, especially you. I feel like I’m letting you down. I feel ashamed that I don’t have the power to make myself happy.“ He squeezed her hands. “You know, it isn’t your fault.“„And it isn’t Nico’s fault, nor yours. There’s nothing at fault here. It is what it is.“ He pondered a while over his mother’s words while she losened her grip on his hand. A moment later, he felt her caressing his cheek. It tickled. He smiled at her. „You really think I’m doing the right thing? Maybe I could be more thoughful?“ She softly tugged at some of his loose curls, before she brushed them to the side. „If you ask me that, then I think you’re precisely in the right place.“ He frowned at her. „Listen, ma, I know you understand Martinese, but I’m not sure I understand your own version of it.“ „Oh you little shithead.“ She pinched him in the cheek which he answered with a fake cry of hurt, more or less. „Listen, you are questioning whether you’re reacting correctly or not and I think that says it all. I am positive you shouldn’t change your behaviour, but I don’t have an answer to everything. So, I’d say go ask him, if you find the courage.“ „Okay.“„That boy of your needs reassurance. He doubts he’s not good enough for you… when he has these moments, alright? And I know it’s not always easy reassuring someone, especially those who are closest to you, but try to remember, he doesn’t do it in order to hurt or annoy you.“ „I think I understand what you mean.“ He gave his mother a little smile. „Marti?“ „Yes?“ She was at his hair again, before she took his face into her hands. „I’m so proud of you. I hope you know that. I haven’t said it often enough I think, and I’m sorry. But I am so very proud of you.” She nodded as if to support her message. “My brave boy.” He sensed a sudden warmth spreading out on his back and on his cheek. It flowed through his whole body, almost igniting him with fire.„Ma…“ He felt tears on his cheek, running to the corner of his mouth in speedlight. She gave him a kiss to the forhead and he almost lost the rest of his self-restraint. If it weren’t for her firm grip, he would have melted right on the spot, tumbling to the ground. „Let’s have dinner, yes? What do you say to pasta with pesto? There are enough ingredients to make it. We can always leave enough for Nico, if he decides to eat later.“ He hadn’t regained his composure yet, so he just nodded. When his mother stood up to leave for the kitchen, he tugged at her hands. „What is it? You don’t want to have pesto tonight?“ He smiled sheepishly. „You know I could eat that kind of pasta every night.“ „Well?“, she asked with a chuckle. He gave her hand a squeeze, something he had done quite a lot tonight, but this wasn’t one made of gratitude. He took a deep breath, and then, with as much wholeheartedness he was able to manage, he told her what he wished he had told her more frequently. “Ma, you’re the best mom one could hope for. I hope you know that. I love you, I really do. With all my heart.“ It’s funny, he thought, when he noticed the tears forming in her eyelids, he never felt more happy to have said those words. Never more grateful. For his mother’s eyes were shining with bliss. "Marti..."He stood up. „Okay, I think we cried enough for the day. And I’m really starving by the way. All this talk about my fave pasta?“ „Let’s make dinner, then", she nodded, still regaining her composure. „You know, we could also watch something together.“ „Sure, if you feel like it.“ „Okay, but not this weird show you’ve been telling me about. I don’t wanna watch that.“ „And what do you wish to watch?“ „I don’t know.“ „Well, let’s talk this over, then.“ They walked back into the kitchen and started preparing everything for his favourite pasta. He sensed her glancing at him from time to time and he almost called her out on it, when she invaded his space − yet again − to give him another kiss on the cheek, telling him how much she loved him back and that he meant the world to her. Not with despair like it happened so many weeks ago, but with serenity and sincerity. Had his relationship with his mother ever been this good? Maybe, when he was still a child, he didn’t remember anymore. He wished he had been a lot nicer to her on many occasions, but maybe they were meant to lose their connection for a while. Just so they could be there for each other at this given moment. He knew he’d never dare hurt her again as he used to. He’d never hurt anyone like that again. He vowed this silently to himself, when he pestled the basil in the mortar. ☆．。．:*･° His mom had dozed off here and there into the third episode of ‘Medici: Masters of Florence.’ There were some scenes he’d rather had not watched with his mother being in the room, but other than that he enjoyed the storyline of the show. The Medici’s ambitions were inspiring and a bit scary at the same time. The visuals were breathtaking and Cosimo de’ Medici reminded him a bit of Nico. They both were attracted to art. In this dream-like kind of way, almost dissolving, yet always hungry for more. On the one hand he wanted to continue watching the show, but his mother had to go to bed and he himself felt getting tired as well. It also had been a while since he’d checked up on Nico and he had a guilty conscience about it. So, he wished his mother a good night’s sleep and started tidying up the kitchen. Just as he had finished putting the dishes into the dishwasher, his phone buzzed. It was Giovanni. {-Hey bro, what’s up? We spontaneously went out to this bar we talked about earlier. Do you guys wanna come? Luchì is already drunk as fuck. He is making weird dancing moves.-} Enclosed was a picture of Luca with what appeared to be coasters on his head. His friend’s hair was sticking out in all directions. He suppressed a chuckle and started typing a reply. No, fuck it, he thought and dialed his best friend’s number. “Pronto?” “Hey, what did you do to Luchì?” “Nothing! I swear! He just gets drunk super fast, you know that.” He heard Elia in the background bellowing profanities. “Alright alright, I believe you.” “So? The bar isn’t far from your house. You could be here in twenty minutes.” A pause. “If you guys want. I mean, is Nico still at your place?” “Yeah. Yeah he is. He’s sleeping though.” “Ah okay. Everything alright?” “Not sure.” “What’s up?” “For now he’s just tired, I think.” “You need anything?” He was leaning against the counter and took some time to answer. Shit, he really had the greatest best friend in the world. “Yo, you’re still there?” “Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I’m not... I’m not sure what you could do? I’m gonna go to bed soon, you know.” “Okay, bro. I’m sorry.” “What? Don’t worry.” “No, yeah, I mean we haven’t been here long. It kind of escalated quickly. I wanted to call you earlier, but I didn’t want to interrupt you guys or anything.” “Interrupt us?”' “Yeah, I wasn’t sure what you guys were up to today, so.” He cleared his throat. “No, we were just- we weren’t really doing anything. Nico was drawing and I− wait, did you think you could interrupt us during sex?” He heard Giovanni making a weird voice, he wasn’t sure what exactly it was, but it sounded weird. “Like I’d be able to answer the phone then.” Giovanni snorted with laughter. “Sorry, bro. No. I mean yes, I’m not sure. I guess I just wanted to give you some space.” “Wait, why?” “I don’t know. I just− we’ve been doing a lot of stuff together. You know, with Nico, too. And I know you guys sometimes wanna hang out together just the two of you.” “Okay, but we already do that. I’m not sure I’m following you here.” “Listen, man−“ He heard Luca and Elia giggling in the background. “Wait a sec.” After a couple of seconds later, Giovanni was back at the other end of the phone, chuckling. He felt a weird knot in his stomach. They seemed to have fun. He spent many wicked nights just doing shit with the boys which he supposed they were doing now. It wasn’t as if he wanted to join them. Perhaps he did, but not like this. Not with Nico sleeping in his room or maybe not sleeping, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps he was twisting and turning under the blankets right now, hell, he didn’t know. If the day had been different, Nico would be standing with him in the kitchen, listening to the conversation and probably dragging him out to join the boys this instant. “Yo, bro, what is it with you and your pauses today?” “Sorry! I didn’t know you were back in the line.” Giovanni breathed into the ear cap audibly. “What’s up, Marti? I can hear you think.” “Oh God, you’re so annoying, you know that?”, he blurted out. “Come on, bro. Just tell me.” “It’s nothing. And by the way, you haven’t answered me yet.”Giovanni seemed to think about what he meant for a second, but he was quickly back on track. “Ah, about earlier. Well, I didn’t want to interrupt you guys, because I thought it was possible Nico would just sleep at yours. Like, I don’t know man, he looked fucking exhausted earlier.” “Yeah?” “Listen, it was obvious. And I know you noticed that. Of course, you did. And I respect that you don’t want to talk about his health with us. Or me.” “I’m not- I’m not excluding you, am I?” He touched his chin and rubbed over the skin a bit. “What? No, no, bro. Forget it.” “I’m not sure what’s happening right now anyway, but look, I’m sorry, if I am being weird about it.” “You’re not, relax. I mean it’s not that we don’t talk about it at all, you know? It’s all good. But just so you know, I know something’s up with you, too. And you can talk to me about it- if you want.” It was really obscure. He felt tears forming in his eyes for – he didn’t know for how many times – of the day. Giovanni continued talking. “You know, if you’re not sure what’s happening with Nico right now, why don’t you ask him? He won’t get weird about it. You talk about this stuff, right? Listen, he’s not gonna run away, because you’re not sure what’s up with him. Like this is so typical of you−“ “Fuck, you’re like my mom, I swear”, he interrupted his best friend. “I’m sorry, WHAT?” Giovanni failed to sound offended, he could clearly hear the amusement in his best friend’s voice. “Yeah. She told me something similar earlier. Like she thinks I’m handling it fine and all that, but I’m not sure.” “Well, she’s right. You know, you should listen to her all the time, dickhead.” “Fuck you.” “Right back at ya. So, maybe we can hang out tomorrow or on Sunday.” “Yeah, sure. What about FIFA? I think you need a nice lose.” “Hilarious. Listen, Elia started doing weird stuff now, too.” “Well, good to know a mom is with−“ “Fuck you! You better have called Nico’s mom, remember when−“ “I did that earlier, thank you very much.” His best friend chuckled at the other side of the line. “Okay. Later, bro.” “Giò?” “Yeah?” “Thanks, man.” “Welcome.” “Say hi to the guys.” “I will. Ciao, bro.” “Ciao.” As soon has they had ended the call, a sudden burst of fear hit him hard. It was something Giovanni had said and he lost track of his breathing just thinking about it. What the hell, Martino. Get it together. He managed to clean up the rest of the kitchen. He didn’t know how he did it, his mind kept going back to Giovanni’s words. Come on, you can do it. Face it. He went to brush his teeth in the bathroom and splashed water in his face. When he looked into the mirror, he didn’t like what he saw. He felt tired and that was exactly how he looked. Whatever he had to face, he couldn’t face it in this state. His phone buzzed on his way to his room and with a quick glance he saw that he had received a message from Filippo.j his can wait until morning, he thought, but ultimately decided against it. Filo had been a rock for him on many occasions. He was there for him when he was left all alone in Milan, and maybe it was his anxiety talking right then, but if it was an emergency, he’d never forgive himself. So, when he opened the message with a picture of a brown-haired man with the caption {-Whatcha think?-}, he breathed out a somewhat pathetic sound of relief. Goddamn, get it together. He replied with {-about to fall asleep. but he’d look good with you x-} and then muted his phone. Before he pressed down the doorknob, he breathed in and out a couple of times. His room was painted in low light since he didn’t turn off the lamp on his desk when he left earlier. Nico was lying on his belly with a pillow tucked underneath his torso. His dark curls were slightly illuminated and he took his time to look at him. His boyfriend had moved closer to the left side of the bed which he tended to do when he slept alone. His stomach made a flip. He felt a lot of things at the same time. Sadness, surely, because Nico wasn’t feeling so well. But most of all, he felt gratitude. Nico was here, lying in his bed. It was a miracle. Nico was his miracle. He continued standing in the exact same spot for a couple of minutes just looking at the beautiful sight in front of him. He was also waiting for the tears to stop. Quietly, he had started crying again. He wasn’t sure what it was that made him spill those many tears today, but they kept coming out of his eyelids with no restraint whatsoever. Maybe he stayed there for five minutes, maybe ten minutes passed until he moved to his closet to change into his pyjamas, he couldn’t tell. He thought about lying down in his nook beside the window, because he was afraid he’d wake up Nico when he’d join him under the blanket. It was just that he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. Which felt strange to say the least. Any other night, he would just lay down next to Nico no questions asked, but tonight it all felt so fragile. While he was grateful that Nico was here with him, he was also afraid. I don’t wanna lose him. His brain really went nuts today, he thought, as he tried shaking off any feeling of trepidation. With caution, he finally slipped under the blanket and waited to get warm. He arranged the pillow a bit and felt something poking his head. Nico’s sketchbook and his pencil. Right, he had put them there earlier. He fetched them and placed them on his bedside cabinet, with the pencil inside the book. It made the pages stick out a bit and he could catch a glance of what appeared to be a thread trailing through mountains? That’s what it looked like. He moved a bit closer to the bedside cabinet, when he heard Nico move. “Hey, whatcha doing? Stealing glances at forbidden goods?”, he teased groggily. “Hey, no. I−I was just putting your stuff away. It’s not very comfortable sleeping with them under my pillow, you know?” “You’re such a liar.” “You know nothing”, he answered and moved back to lay on his side, looking at his boyfriend. “Hey.” He touched his cheek cautiously and rubbed his thumb over the skin a bit. “Hey.” Nico put the pillow under his head, smiling sleepily, before he took his hand and enveloped it in his own. “How are you feeling?” “Exhausted.” “What can I do?”Nico kissed his hand which took him somewhat by surprise. He wasn’t sure why. “You’re already doing enough.” “Yeah?” “You’re like a fresh ocean’s breeze on a hot summer’s day.” He chuckled at his words. “How’s that?” “Well, you know that feeling, when it gets so hot during the summer you struggle breathing? And you’re looking for something to cool down? You’re at the beach or making a stop at a bar trying to escape from the dry air on the streets. And when a breeze brushes your face, it’s the best feeling in the world. It makes you feel alive again.” Nico pressed a kiss into the palm of his hand. His lips stayed there for a while, until he spoke again. “And you’re that breeze that never fades away that day entirely. Or on any day. You always come back.” Nico’s words left him stunned. He wasn’t as eloquent as him, so he did the only thing he could think of in that moment. With as much gentleness as he could muster, he rolled on top of Nico and took his head into his hands, balancing his weight with his elbows. He started with a kiss on his forehead. The soft skin under his eyes were next. “You know, I’d never leave in the first place.” He then kissed his nose, his upper lip, his cheeks, and finally, a kiss fully on the lips, hoping Nico could feel the promise he'd just given him. “If you don’t want me to leave, I won’t.” He smiled timidly at his boyfriend and then he positioned himself back on his side. Nico grabbed at his hand. “If I don’t want you to?” “Yeah.” “Marti, why should I want that? Why should I want you to leave?” He saw confusion in Nico’s eyes and he could have kicked himself. “Yeah, I mean…” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know. I- sometimes I’m afraid I’m doing something wrong... or you know, choose the wrong words. Maybe I’m too cheerful when you’re feeling down, maybe that will annoy you sooner or later, maybe I’m not thoughtful−“ “I can’t believe you’d say something like that. You absolute idiot.” He stayed silent and just looked at Nico who wore an incredulous look on his face. “Have I given you the impression that I don’t appreciate what you do? For me? I’m so incredibly thankful for everything; you have to know that, Marti. I know I’m impossible to handle at times, but I swear, I’d never want to make you uncomfortable. I swear…there’s no way I’d want you to leave. I swear…” He listened to Nico’s accelerated breathing and felt like the dumbest idiot. “I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “You did nothing wrong. It’s me. It’s my brain that thinks I’m not being good enough. I’m sorry.” He choked back tears. Nico mirrored his position without letting go of their entwined hands. “Marti…” “I’m sorry I put this weight on you, Ni. It wasn’t my intention. I just, sometimes I feel a little helpless. I haven’t handled my mother’s depression very well. I’ve been mean to her. I can’t be mean to you. I don’t ever wanna be mean to anybody again.” Nico moved closer to him until he could lay his head on top of his upper body. “You’re not, I promise.” He took a deep breath. “Hey, would you do me a favour?” A nod. “If I ever say something weird or inappropriate about your mental health and I’m too dumb to notice, will you tell me?” Nico puffed out a bit of air. “Okay. But there won’t be need to.” “Well, I've done it in the past. So, you never know, right.” "Marti, amore..." "I still need to learn a few things, I know that." He felt feather-light caresses roaming over his chest. He took a moment to breathe it all in, and then his hand wandered to the back of Nico’s head and he started messaging his skin there. “That’s nice. You’re nice,” Nico mumbled after a while. “Well, I hope so. You’re not too bad either, you know.” He traced the shape of a heart, but the hair made it difficult. “Good to know.” His boyfriend emerged from his position somewhere between his upper body and upper arm. It was a good thing he hadn’t turned off the light, for Nico was full on grinning one of his extra bright smiles he seemed to reserve for him only. “I’m very much in love with you.” He felt the corner of his mouth skyrocket. “Ni, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me.” He moved down to him so he could capture his lips with his own. Nico’s arm wandered to his shoulder where he tugged at his shirt. Soon, his boyfriend caressed his neck with his thumb and he sensed this incredible sensation there that also made his toes curl.Nico's thumb wandered to his jawline, when he suddenly stopped. “Marti, you’re crying.” “I am?” They looked at each other and Nico started tracing his tears with a worried expression. “Ni.” “Marti, don’t cry.” “Ni, look at me.” He complied with his request, yet still carrying worry in his eyes. “Those are tears of joy, Ni.” There was something ghost-like in Nico’s expression, when he looked into his eyes, but they softened rather quickly.“Yeah?” “Yeah.” “Tears of joy?” “Tears of joy”, he chuckled. “Okay, that’s good, right?” A hesitant smile. “I suppose it is.” “Those are tears” – he traced the path of them on his cheek – “tears of joy, because you’re so godamn lucky you’re with me?” It wasn’t really a question, more like a challenge. Nico looked smug. He smiled benignly. “Yeah, just like I said, dumbass.” And Nico’s body trembled of laughter. Softly, because it was a long day and he still looked very exhausted, but when his laughter emerged from deep inside of his belly, well, it was his favourite sound and he’d do anything to hear it. See it. Feel it. He tugged at Nico’s arm. “Come on, let’s sleep.” “You’re bossy today.” “Oh? But it’s part of my job, remember?” He felt Nico wrap himself up on his upper body again. “I don’t want you to think of this as a job, you know.” “I don’t see it like that. I’d never treat you like that. You know that, right? This is just my dumb humour.” “Ah, here we are. You finally admit you’ve got a weird sense of humour.” “Ha. Just go to sleep will you.” “You’re really something, huh?” Nico’s words became slurred again. He hugged him tight to his chest feeling his own exhaustion wash over him. “We’ll talk tomorrow if you want. Maybe I have a question or two for you.” “Sure. But don’t cry again, okay?” “I’ll try.” “Only tears of joy, Marti.” “Okay, Ni.” “Goodnight." “Goodnight." He gave him a kiss on top of his head. "Sleep well.” He sensed a kiss grazing his neck and a sigh escaped his lips. It was fascinating how fast Nico fell asleep on his chest. It didn’t take long and he was listening to his steady breathing. While he was tired out himself, he didn’t fell asleep right away. No, he concentrated on Nico’s breathing instead which made the rest of his uneasiness disappear bit by bit. He drew circles on his back occasionally thinking how lucky he was that he could be here with him. Tomorrow, they could talk more seriously, if Nico was up for it. Perhaps he’d been a bit overprotective. But he didn’t want to think about that anymore. There was no rush. The boy he fell in love with last autumn was lying in his arms and all was good in the world again. He turned his head so he could lay it down on Nico’s, and right before he drifted off, he sensed wetness emerging from his eyes. But he smiled. He smiled, because those weren’t tears of sadness. Not at all, no. ☆．。．:*･° fin ☆．。．:*･°