#and then i just immediately shatter the illusion by depression posting on main

[its-all-papaya]

the array of things that can make me believe my life is unsalvageable is truly so vast these days... and every day I get to discover a new one too... like i knew we had period week, ovulation week, pre-work-event dread, caffeine withdrawal, and anyone criticizing me for anything... but did y'all know that migraine hangover also does the job now??? cool!!

[shinydelirium]

MLQC Season 2 Chapter 12 (Kiro) Part 4 [Confession of the Stars] Translation [CN]

***SPOILERS*** THIS POST CONTAINS HEAVY SPOILERS FOR CONTENT NOT YET RELEASED ON EN SERVER!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!***

For previous translations of Season 2 Chapter 12: Part 1/ Part 2/ Part 3

Enjoy~

[Confession of the Stars]

Even so, I still didn’t see Kiro’s face. The hospital still expressed his unwillingness to see anyone.

But nonetheless, it was fine for me to text him. I want him to know that he is not alone.

As long as he wants, I will appear in front of him immediately.

In the past two days, Kiro has asked Savin to bring his belongings to him from time to time and sometimes buy a few books.

After entrusting a lawyer to submit my alibi for me, I no longer need to go to the Task Force for regular reports.

However, the previous hospital hostage incident triggered more and more group skirmishes and discussions on the Internet continued on.

Everyone wants become the one who wins the right to speak. On the other hand, the hostile takeover incident of LFG, which had been raging before, was gradually suppressed.

There hasn’t been much movement on LFG’s side, so the problem probably isn’t that serious. I also successfully sent out the USB flash drive according to Gavin’s instructions.

Many departments of the company are asking whether or not to follow the hot topics to produce a show. I was so busy that I could only text Kiro at night.

Such days lasted for more than a week.

After nine o’clock in the evening, I had just entered the house, dragging my weary body when Kiro called.

Kiro: ….Miss Chips?

His voice was a little cautious, wary, and even quivering.

MC: What’s wrong?

Kiro let out a little laugh from the other end.

I’ve been so out of it lately. It’s been a very long time since I heard him laugh so enthusiastically.

Kiro: MC, say my name.

MC: Kiro, are you okay? Why are you so happy?

He didn’t answer but just laughed happily.

Kiro: What are you up to?

MC: Of course, I just got home from a rough day at work. ***Changed some wording***

Kiro: Thanks for all the hard work, Miss Chips.

I was lying on the sofa and complaining to Kiro about recent events. He listened carefully, and from time to time he also grumbled about his troubles to me.

This moment gave me a certain illusion, as if nothing was wrong.

The next day I heard that Kiro asked Savin to bring his guitar.

At the same time, the Task Force came forward and started to take control of the chaotic situation reasonably and accurately.

I checked Weibo and found that more and more people are no longer emotionally angry, but deeper in discussion about the relationship between Evol and ordinary people.

Along with the nice weather, I think a lot of things are heading in a good direction little by little.

I had a rare chance to get off of work early today. After thinking about it, I went and bought Kiro’s favorite canelé and arrived at the door of his ward.

MC: It would be wonderful if I could see him today…

While I muttered this, I stretched out my hand to knock on the door.

Before I could, an overly harsh and messy guitar chord came to my ears and left me frozen in place.

The crude, sharp sound felt as if it was forced out like a shout being torn from a person’s throat and the chords held some frustration within them.

It was so depressing. It was even hard to breathe.

After a profound silence, a few faint guitar notes came quietly as if crying. The voice was soft and desperate, as if it was not a note.

But a shattered dream.

I leaned on the door and listened to the broken chords, holding my breath without making a sound.

Finally, I left the snack in the nurse’s care. I told her to give it to Kiro after waiting for a bit and then left.

On the way home, a new advertisement shot by Kiro some time ago is being displayed on the large screen on the side of the road.

Passerby A: Kiro clearly announced that he’s an Evolver. Why is he still so popular?

Passerby B: Kiro is Kiro. What does that have anything to do with being an Evolver?

Passerby A: Maybe he used some special Evol to control you and made you like him so much.

Passerby B: Do you actually know him or even understand him?! Of course, there’s a reason why Kiro is so well-liked. Do you think Evol can do everything?

Passerby B: I’ll show you this collection. You’ll understand after reading it. Why hasn’t he released a new song yet….?

The girl and her companions walked away slowly and I watched their backs disappear into the night.

In this turbulent moment, there are still many people talking about him, expecting him, and waiting for him. But at this time, I don’t want to tell him this.

Stars dotted the night sky, watching the whole city tenderly and peacefully.

I took a photo of this night sky with my phone and sent it to Kiro.

I don’t know what Kiro is struggling by himself, but I hope he won’t make all his expectations become his own burdens.

There was no reply from Kiro that night.

Until 7:25 the following evening, my phone rang.

***During this next scene, the 3rd anniversary song is being played. It made the entire scene so much more emotional and touching but also sad. The BGM in this whole chapter was meticulously chosen.***

Kiro: Good evening, Miss Chips.

Kiro: How did you know that I wanted to eat canelé? When I ate it yesterday, tears were about to come out.

MC: Tears from the corners of your mouth? ***T/N: She means drooling***

Kiro: Hehe, hurry up and remove the camera you installed on me!

MC: If there really was a webcam, that would be great….by the way, how are you today? ***Woah, woah, MC!!! So you want to upgrade from sneaky pictures to sneaky videos? MY GIRL!!!***

Kiro: Of course, I’m doing well!

MC: That’s good. It seems that the retreat is working effectively.

Hearing what I said, he laughed. His voice full of energy.

But we both know that these are all tacit masks.

Kiro is too clever. He must know how weak his excuses for shutting himself up are.

So weak that he doesn’t believe them himself.

When 7:30 came around, Kiro stopped talking. Then suddenly he spoke solemnly.

Kiro: Miss Chips, I want to play some songs for you.

MC: Okay! I haven’t heard you play a song in a long time.

Gentle guitar music came slowly from the other end of the phone. I imagined Kiro playing right now and closed my eyes, feeling a little nostalgic.

Soon, one song was finished.

Kiro: Sitting on the bed and closing my eyes just now, it felt like I was in a concert.

MC: That’s not right. The audience hasn’t arrived yet and you can’t have a concert with just you.

Kiro: Then come to the special concert. A concert dedicated by Kiro himself.

Kiro: Miss Chips is the only special guest.

MC: That’s not very monotonous.

Kiro: How could it be?

Kiro: Miss Chips, are you standing by the window right now? Can you see the stars outside?

Listening to what he said, I immediately got up and went to the balcony.

The stars outside the window twinkled and hung in the night sky like little lights.

MC: I can!!!

Kiro: My favorite stage is like this starry sky.

Kiro: That was my first stage. It was not very big and crowded with people.

Kiro: That day was the same as today, a sky full of stars. There was a long passage leading to the main stage.

Kiro: Every time I stepped on a square, a star will light up under my feet.

Kiro: The audience turned on the flash from the back of their phones and the whole world seemed to be connected into a sea of stars.

Kiro: In that moment, I told myself to shine in this sea of stars and become the brightest one.

I slowly listened to him talking about his beloved stage and the brightest star in his heart.

I was on this end of the phone, looking at the starry night outside. I could feel him holding my hand and leading me towards the stage.

I saw him piously touching the places he knew and missed the most, holding the guitar and standing in the most radiant place.

His entire being seems to be shining.

Kiro: Miss Producer, would you say I’ve done it? 

MC: Of course.

MC: You did it long ago.

Kiro laughed lightly. This time the guitar music was accompanied by his singing.

His voice is so soft and sincere, like some kind of long-distance reunion. Like a farewell to something.

After a dozen songs were sung one after another, Kiro’s voice was already a little hoarse.

MC: ….Since it’s a concert, can I still have an encore?

Kiro: (chuckles) Since it’s MC’s request, I would definitely not refuse it.

Kiro: This is the last song called “Confession of the Stars”.

***T/N: Decided to include both the EN and CN versions of the lyrics. I’m not a songwriter so the CN version is what Google Translate gave me. I really love Bian Jiang’s singing in this scene so do give it a listen 😉. Also, I love how there’s no BGM music playing while he sings because I feel like that would just take away some of the emotion.***

Kiro: (EN version) “I got a song that I wanna sing for you~ It may not be perfect, but it will have to do~”

“Dreaming your dreams and going your own way~ Sometimes you feel lonely, sometimes heartbreak…”

(CN version) “There is a song I want to sing for you~ For you who work hardest in the world~”

“On the road towards your dream~ Sometimes you feel a little lonely….”

***Now I can’t hear this song the same way ever again. WHY, KIRO!?! TELL ME WHY!?!? YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO BREAK MY HEART!!! TAT***

When I heard the familiar, leisurely melody, I was overwhelmed. The song seemed to pass through time, embracing me tenderly.

I always feel that something will end after this song. I want to try my best to hold onto it, but I can only grasp at nothingness. ***FORESHADOWING!!! Actually, this entire “concert” is.***

Eventually, I could only wait quietly for it to come to an end.

Kiro: (sighs) The concert is over. Thank you, Miss Chips.

Kiro: (In the sweetest, most tender voice): Good night.

-End of Part 4-

[thatferalwitch]

Discarnate Possession 101:

A practical master guide by someone who unwillingly experienced it and studied the phenomenon in an academic context

Disclaimer: this isn't meant to scare, nor victim-blame, nor criticise some practices, but rather to promote understanding on the phemonon based on personal experience.This isn't substitute for professional help or medical assessment. If you are unwell, please please please seek talk to your doctor or therapist.

[TW: mentions of depression, delusion, s**c*de, abuse, SH, derealization] sorry for the long post lol

About possession:

There are two main types of entities in possession: incarnate and discarnate. Incarnate entities are entities who were once alive and have since passed; human souls, animal souls, etc. Discarnate entities are entities who have never known incarnation, and may or may not have harmful intent; demonics, angelics, deities, etc.

Not all possession is unconsensual.

Many religions, including Caribbean voudon and some Christian churches use possession in their rituals. However I will be focusing on unconsensual, discarnate possession by demonics and other low vibrations entities.

What causes unconsensual possession?

1. Traumatic events and abuse.

In my case, an abusive relationship. Traumatic events such as abuse, sexual assault, witnessing an accident, suicide attempts, incendiary events, terrorist attacks and more are classic scenarios. Trauma and abuse attracts very low vibrations and leaves the victim feeling helpless, lost, fragmented and very vulnerable. There's a shattering of the self and the auric field that enables discarnate entities to attach themselves.

2. Depression, s****dal ideation and SH

Again, negative entities thrive on low vibrations, misery and helplessness. Many people who feel depressed and suicidal wish someone was there to "take their place"- a discarnate might just take you up on the offer.

3. Dabbling in negative or dark energywork unprotected.

Yes, that includes Ouija. If you dabble in Ouija, hexing, demonwork and other low-vibration practices without proper protection, training or boundaries, you run a risk of inviting a discarnate in your personal energy field without realizing it.

4. Severe emotional or work-related burnout

When you've burned out, all your defenses are down. You are vulnerable.

What does it feel like: the possession cycle

The idea of possession is a lot dramatized and exaggerated by horror movies. As you may suspect, it's not an immediate, black-on-white phenomenon, but rather a progressive one that creeps on you in several stages on the span of several months, and is very similar to a severe depressive episode. This is where it gets pretty personal.

Stage 1: Feeling Off

Symptoms: constantly tired or fatigued. Mild but frequent derealization or depersonalization. Too little or too much of an appetite. Potential weight or sleep schedule fluctuation. Feeling numb. Bad dreams.

Stage 2: Kick In The Nuts

Symptoms: in my case, all my ADHD meds started acting up out of the blue. My sight got worse. I lost weight. I started displaying disruptive hand tics. Kick In The Nuts is just whatever keeps you functional and grounded, suddenly crumbles. You try to fix it, but each attempt makes you feel worse. The depersonalization is getting worse. You're starting to slip. Your body is rebelling against you.

Stage 3: Depression/ Free Fall

Symptoms: Feeling like Kick In The Nuts was always meant to happen and you won't get back up. Social isolation. Complete misery, fed day and night by a whisper in the back of your mind. Anxiety attacks. Body dysmorphia. Nightmares. Disengaged from life. Classical symptoms of depression, but somehow worse (I've had depression before, and this objectively felt worse.) Rapid emotional and cognitive decline. Utter hopelessness.

Stage 4: Delusion

Symptoms: the very first Late Stage, and where it starts to get dangerous. You start to associate yourself with a very misguided belief system about yourself as you are slipping into severe delusion. Your life prior to Kick In The Nuts feels like a fuzzy dream. You have obsessive thoughts. Chunks of time start to go missing. That delusion is a trap of control. Possession is the entrapment of the mind and will in controlled illusions, a maze of mirrors. Examples of delusions: you're cursed from birth, all of this was worthless. This is the REAL you. Friendship is a lie. You're useless and better off dead. You are your trauma. You're broken for good. You'll never amount to anything because this the REAL you. Everything else is a lie. Angels and spirit guides and God were all a manmade lies to deceive you. You're doomed. Life is misery. The only way to feel better is [insert self-sabotage]. This is the REAL you.

Stage 5: S****dal Delusion

Symptoms: The belief that based on delusions, that the only way out is to commit suicide. You want to prove you're right. You may form a plan. You don't want help. The next stage is your funeral.

In retrospect

This is the stage where I was intercepted. A family friend who happens to be a professional psychic and energyworker was contacted by my worried mother about me not being myself. He performed an emergency energy clearing and the next morning sent an email to her titled "Fucking hell". He had found and cleared not one, but two thriving demonic discarnates in possession. My mother woke me up to show me how I had been under spiritual possession, and when I read it in bed, I did something really unexpected that I hadn't done in months. I burst out giggling.

Just a good, contagious laugh from the pit of my stomach. A spell had been broken. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders, and I could laugh again. It took several months of conscious effort, therapy and several clearings to completely shake it off, but my tics disappeared, my meds started working again, I got myself out of my depression, and I successfully lived past the date I had planned to off myself.

Conclusion

Again, this isn't to freak out anyone. My experience was a strong learning one that I wouldn't even wish on Donald Trump. I don't pretend that this is the ultimate, final objective truth. And if you show symptoms of depression, suicidal thoughts, trauma, PTSD, declining physical and mental health, don't be stupid like me, GET HELP.

[atamascolily]

lily reads “Aftermath: Life Debt” by Chuck Wendig

This was one of the first nu-canon novels to come out in 2016, meant to fill the gap between Return of the Jedi and The Force Awakens. So far, all of the nu-canon stuff has been readable (unlike, say, some of Legends’ more memorable failures) but I was pleasantly surprised to find that Wendig’s writing is the most exciting and engaging I have encountered to date.

The problem is, of course, that he keeps using it to accomplish things I disagree with, but I am sure he did the best he could within the constraints Disney gave him and I don’t take it personally.

Anyway, I had to skip the first Aftermath book because it’s AWOL from the library right now, but fortunately, Wendig is pretty good about explaining How We Got Here without huge infodumps, so I got oriented pretty fast.

This book is written in present tense, which also surprised me. Even though I have read several pro-published novels that use present tense, I’m still not used to seeing it outside of fanfic, and it feels delightfully novel. I like present tense because it encourages concrete verbs, as well as a sense of immediacy and groundedness in the action (which is one reason I use it in fics). Present tense forces me to be a better writer precisely because it doesn’t come naturally. But I also enjoy it as a reader. 

Life Debt is set immediately post-Battle of Endor in 5 ABY. Leia is a few months pregnant. Luke is name-dropped a few times, but never appears. (Sigh.) Han is upset that the New Republic is dragging its feet on liberating Kashyyyk and he and Chewie decide to take matters into their own hands. When things go wrong, Leia asks Wendig’s OC Nora Wexley and her crew to bring him back.

Nora Wexley was one of the Y-wing pilots at the Battle of Endor. Now she roams the galaxy hunting Imperials for New Republic bounty, with a motley assortment of beings. There’s Sinjir, ex-Imperial and gay; Jas Emari, a Zabrak bounty hunter; and Jom Barell, who didn’t have any defining personality traits that stuck in my mind outside of his on-again, off-again friends-with-benefits with Jas;. There’s also her teenage son Temmin “Snap” Wexley and the refurbished battle droid he built as a personal bodyguard, Mr. Bones. Mr. Bones is an unrepentant murderbot and utterly delightful, especially when he tries to “blend in” by being more human.

More backstory: Nora joined the Rebellion after her husband Brentin was imprisoned by the Empire and presumed dead. Nora and Wedge have a thing as well. Mon Mothma is chancellor of the New Republic, and Leia is... I’m not sure what her official title is.

Meanwhile, on Team Empire, there’s Grand Admiral Rae Sloane, ostensibly in charge of a large slice of the Imperial Remnant, but who is being manipulated--to her deep resentment--by a man named Gallius Rax with ties to both Palpatine and Jakku. Sloane tortured Wedge in the previous book and Nora is frustrated she didn’t kill the Grand Admiral when she had the chance.

There’s also a hilarious sequence where the guy running Coruscant tries to surrender and Mon Mothma and Leia refuse because he doesn’t have anything they especially want.

In addition to the main plot, there are also short chapters titled “Interludes” showing various doings in the wider galaxy. I think a lot of these are supposed to be tie-ins for other material because they mostly don’t have any relevance to the current storyline. There’s one about a Vader-inspired death cult on Corellia, a pirate queen named Eleodie, Alderaanians mining asteroids from their former homeland and arguing about politics, Twi’leks freeing Ryloth, Malakili the ex-rancor-keeper gets a new job training a baby Hutt (?? - would have liked to hear more about that one!). I like the one about Maz Kanata’s castle, even though it still makes NO SENSE in terms of world-building.

I like Sinjir’s relationship with his slicer boyfriend, and I like that from his perspective, it’s not that the Empire particularly cares about homosexuality per se, (as long as you’re discreet about it), but the Empire uses relationships to manipulate and control people, so being open about them is a form of weakness. Just brings home the point that the Empire is a piece of shit (which is why it’s so hard for me to care about Rae Sloane or any of the scheming on Team Empire).

I don’t think I like Sinjir as a person, mind you, but he is certainly interesting, and he has no illusions that he’s a good guy, even though he’s now working against the Empire.

Also, there’s a bounty hunter named Mercurial Swift, which is the most metal name ever, and cameos from Brendol Hux, who ran some sort of boarding school, and whose bastard son is name-dropped occasionally.

No one will be surprised that my favorite scene is Leia meditating next to a sanctuary tree sapling on Chandrila she grew from a seed that Wicket gave her, and she touches the Force for the first time, and realizes that her child is a boy. Nice.

Anyway, Nora and her team find Solo--Chewbacca is a prisoner on Kashyyk when their rebellion attempt failed--and they sneak into a prison called Ashmead’s Lock on Kashyyyk, which happens to be where Nora’s husband Brentin has been this whole time! The prisoners have been stuck in stasis pods and mined for energy in a Matrix-like scenario that really should have been explored more, but they bust out, with Nora taking the prisoners home and Han and Chewie continuing to lead the rebellion.

Time skip! Brentin is distant and has PTSD, Snap is angry and acting out, Nora feels guilty because she’s attracted to Wedge and she isn’t able to connect with her husband anymore. Wedge is, of course, heartbroken.

Sloane comes to Chandrila for peace talks, and Leia leaves to go after Han on Kashyyk when Mon Mothma refuses to back her up. She ends up getting Wedge to come with her for back-up, and her pilot is Evaan Verlaine from the comics (nice to see you Evaan!)

Meanwhile, the Empire continues to be a piece of shit on Kashyyyk, and it’s way more graphic than I expected this book to go. They get what’s coming to them eventually, when Han and his team disable the chips that are keeping all the Wookiees prisoner. 

The peace talks turn out to be a trap engineered by Gallius Rax--all of the prisoners from Kashyyyk are brainwashed to start murdering people at the big ceremony and Mon Mothma narrowly avoids assassination at Brentin’s hands thanks to Nora’s quick reflexes. Sloane escapes, is super-pissed about being manipulated yet again by Rax, and she and Brentin (who also wants revenge) go to Jakku to follow up on a lead about Rax’s past.

Han ends up stealing a Star Destroyer, and Leia saves the day, and they finally kiss and make up and it’s lovely. Han leaves Chewie behind on Kashyyyk to be with Leia. Norra and her remaining team members go after Sloane.

But the biggest disappointment, of course, is the New Republic’s inability to liberate Kashyyyk, which I think epitomizes the difference between Disney’s version of Star Wars and Legends for me. In Legends, it was never a question that our heroes would liberate Kashyyyk; that was important and the entire point of the Rebellion. Even though it happened more or less off-screen, it was mentioned and cited as proof of the New Republic’s victory and triumph. So to see Mon Mothma and Ackbar trying to dissuade Leia from this is just... wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Like I said, I think Wendig’s hands were tied on this one, but it just... lands wrong. It will never not feel wrong. Is it grittier and more “realistic” this way? Maybe, but what is the point?

Overall,  this is an action-packed adventure, with lots of good moments and funny bits that feel very much “Star Wars” to me. The interludes range from fan service-y to “hey, that’s neat, tell me more!” to  “wow, is there going to be a payoff for this years down the line?” In general, I find Disney Star Wars depressing as hell, but despite the downers I enjoyed this book much more than I expected. Like I said at the beginning, this is probably the best nu!canon thing I’ve read to date outside of the Shattered Empire comics. 

I came to like most of Wendig’s OCs, even though I’d really rather read about characters I already know--like, say, Luke! Imagine that!

(I don’t know why Disney thinks we’re not interested in what Luke’s doing, but tbh they write him so poorly when they bother that I’m not really sure I want them to.)