#and then he said 'OUR community' and i was like WAIT 4 REALSIES?

[octobergraves]

also watching the new hbomberguy video has got me like

[sumergosuigeneris]

April 18, 2019 Part I

I love the way The Kids are Alright talks about kids.

Yesterday was exhausting.

I got up early enough to make it to work by 8:15-ish am. Yay! Got all the food set up on time. The talk by boss1 and boss2 was kind of enraging. And I haven’t really been able to talk to anyone about it yet. Not completely. Thankful for here!

Boss1 talked first. He talked about what his new job was gonna be, and how he was still gonna be very embedded with our group, and his vision for the group, which is gonna be very much research-based. It sounded like a) he isn’t really leaving, and b) the group will continue to be his own personal research group, but with more research and more faculty. He did this by talking about how much research and stuff the group has taken on in the years since he’s been there. He talked research a lot. But I felt like he blew my peeps’ group off! And they’re the research group! Also, he talked about how they’re trying to start a department, in a few years, and he expected the dept to be a large part of it. Again, without talking about the research group. Boss2 spoke and basically validated everything he said. All of this is different from what Boss2 had me expecting, so I got pretty upset. What it seemed is there are competing visions for how this split is gonna go, and despite what the brass want, Boss1 was going to continue to push his vision.

The final reason I was genuinely upset - he never actually thanked the dept for what it’s done for him and his career. I talked to someone after and she said he sort of did. That’s not really acceptable.

Then the questions, a lot of which were stupid. Suck up communications person (who always puts her work on me ( I mean, not always, but def when I started, etc) asked about his job. Who cares? This is supposed to be about the dept, not him?

After the meeting, the girl I’m pro/con about immediately went up to Boss2. Suck up. I actually, in the course of all my upsetness, decided to interrupt them. A tiny powerplay (that could have backfired). But also, I was freaking out a little and wanted to talk to Boss2 while it was possible to have a chance. Anyway, she sort of walked herself back a little/validated the meeting. But I told her that while I know I don’t really have any say, he’s trying to keep me for realsy, and I just don’t think the split is tenable. I said I prefer to be 100% either way. So, she’s got the big meeting on Monday. I also freaked out a bit b/c their was a minor issue with the corporate credit card. Not actually my fault, but for a minute it made me feel like I looked bad. Luckily, I didn’t do anything wrong, so we were able to talk it out. Apparently, the proper settings for the corporate credit card aren’t automatic for anyone, including dept heads. We fixed it.

Oh, and I found out that the group, what did I call them? Oh well, I’ll call them J group, some of them found out even further in advance than the day before! From clients?!?!?!?!

I had my shrink appt today. I ended up with us getting some free food, so I was trying to take care of it, so everyone didn’t steal it without me getting any. But a student came in who was late for a meeting (his english was very bad, relatively speaking) and was in the wrong location and freaking out. So, since i had to pop across town anyway, I went with him to get him where he’s going. And was 10 minutes early for my appointment!

I did see milquetoast. He may not have seen me, but I suspect he did glance over me. That was weird. The appointment went okay. Shrink didn’t know about the drama of the therapy ending, and gave me a chance to tell her. And said we were good. And if I did want to go back, she’d make sure it happened (but she said it discreetly lol). That was kind of awesome. But I’m smart enough to know this was a good thing really. We talked about my suspicion that I need a different kind of therapy. We talked about the fact that I probably need to stay on the meds at the levels I’m at, and pursue therapy. I was able to talk about how I hate it, but given a) my insistence on no addicting meds, and b) the issues with experimenting with new drugs, and c) I haven’t gotten everything possible out of therapy, it just makes sense. It was my decision. I think she would have pushed back if she thought it was a bad decision. Or if I wanted something bad, she might have tried to get me to come around to this decision lol. Also, her year ends at the end of June, so...I got my announcement long enough in advance to process lol. I cried in there. So yeah, I’m not in a great place, but it is what it is. There’s no miracle cure.

I waited around trying to meet with the J team and see if their manager had any news. But I didn’t have my laptop so I couldn’t work and I put a time limit on waiting. Chatted with used to be almost friends coworker. She’s the one that thinks he said thanks. Eh. Some people are worried about their jobs. She’s on a grant, so the thing she was worried about was whether boss1 is staying on it. He is, so she’s happy - too many new people on their group right now for her to welcome change.

Then I went to a place I’ve been avoiding 6 months for fear of seeing anyone I know, with two of the group. The only thing they could say was that they weren’t concerned about there being a new dept without them, because a) it’s years down the line, and b)they’d have to hire faculty (said as if they thought the u wouldn’t). I disabused them of that. Anyway, they’re not worried.

Okay. Whatever.

Got back and work friend was finally out of the manager’s office. I had to get back to location 2, so we walked outside together. I had to tease it all out of her, but yes, they are not allowed to pursue their own research agendas any longer - which is a major impact on 3, maybe 4 careers. Hopefully I’ll get the rest of the scoop today. And hopefully better answers on Monday. She did touch me again, and it’s getting frustrating. It’s not hugs, but damn it.

No one touched the food at my desk, but as soon as they saw I’d put it in the fridge, people were freaking out! I was planning on bringing it over to location1 b/c they liked it and never get leftovers, but that was kaboshed.

I met a few deadlines. The latinx group thing was a piece of work! After everything we went through to get them to use the corporate credit card, they told us they wouldn’t use it. And we had to give them a ton of justification. It took me some time to get untired, and focused, but I got it done, and it was good. I overdid the hell out of it because it’s fucking ridiculous. OUR BUDGET WAS APPROVED ALREADY!!!!!!!!! Just to send 9 people to fucking (cheap) conference.

And trying to get a bunch of last minute shit done. I stayed until 5:30pm! I would have stayed later, but I was wiped. Also, I forgot to mention. The day started off overcast and chilly - and ended up kind of muggy and warm. So I was hot as hell with all the running around. I walked between locations 1 & 2 but I almost didn’t bc it was so warm. And after work, I wanted/knew i needed to go for a walk to physically process the day. But I also knew that if I drove home to go for a walk, I wouldn’t. So I walked at work. I’ve been meaning to for the whole 1 1/2 year I’ve been there, but never did. I finally did last night. It was different. The view was nice. But I’m not a fan for walking. Biking yes, and maybe rollerblading. It was too straight, so it always seemed I’d gone farther than I actually had, and boring outside of the view. And it’s right next to a highway, so loud as hell. But I’m glad I went. But boy were my feet TIRED.

I went back to work with pettiness on my mind. I had decided that since I couldn’t take all the leftovers to location1, I’d take some of the pastries, and eat the hell out of the fruit plate. And I did. I had an italian beer - yummy, and 1 pastry, and ate so.much.fruit. I made myself sick but it was a definite impact on the fruit lol. So petty. I’d wanted a hamburger, but I was so full by the fruit, I couldn’t do it. I got home, vegged for a few bit, and bed. I’m also bummed to say, none of my twits took off. Not even my bracket. :( There’s got to be an algorithm.

I got up today and actually made myself put in a load of laundry!