#and then even if they do pop up some of them are kinda unpopular | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

regular-lord-reckoner · 4 months ago

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hello.

just wanted to pop in for a minute because i said i would and then i didn't, so...here i am finally.

not much is really new, i guess, nothing all that good anyway.

i guess the one bit of good news is our "neighbors" R and C finally moved their camper back to where it was before this arrangement which is still in the same city just on an actual campground. That was at the beginning of this month so that's been nice.

again, nothing against them personally really, it's just...they were always right there, y'know?

especially it seemed every time i'd be at my wit's end for one reason or another and all i'm trying to do is get a package off the porch or let the dog out and then here's one of them just pulling up or C especially would get home from work and just...be in the yard until the sun went down.

and i'd have to just force a smile and act like i'm not completely losing my shit when all i wanted was just to go back inside so that was kinda rough, but it's over now so yay.

i won't complain too much because i know i did a lot of that before and i really don't mean to be so hard on them or on anyone, but it did feel at times like things just sort of crossed the line at least in my mind, but I feel like I can get over it easier now that they're not right there.

although I'm not as sure about R. I don't really know fully what's going on with her, but she's really made herself unpopular at work by the sounds of it and from what i gather it's because she's being rude to the patients and her coworkers.

like, i've heard several times now where something happened that's actually something she did wrong, but rather than just own the mistake and try to fix it she just...argues with whoever pointed it out to her until she gets all upset and goes crying into one of the managers offices and i dunno if it's because she's still trying to get them to just fire her or what, but like....they're not gonna, they don't want to pay her unemployment.

and i still stand by, hey, if that's the route you want to go about this, at least do it in a way that doesn't take out your shit on other people, especially ones who don't deserve it.

and what's really pissed me off is she actually checked in another family friend of ours who really wasn't feeling well (and even had to tell R that to try to get her to back off), but i guess she didn't recognize her even though they've met and for whatever reason she gave this friend that hardest fucking time for no goddamn reason.

like gaslighting her about what time she actually got there for her appointment and was telling her she wouldn't be seen even though she really wasn't even that late and then she even started being rude to one of the other patients standing there waiting and that friend had to come to their defense and it just makes me wonder like...how many other patients is this happening with?

again, just...hate it that you're unhappy here, genuinely sorry this job is giving you such a tough time, but i'm really just at a loss here because i've offered to help train her further, i've given her the names of people who could help further train her, i've given her some pointers and tips and i've also emphasized just how important it is for that job to be done correctly (especially as it affects my mom's schedule) and yet she still just shows up every day, half-asses it without accepting any help from anyone even when they offer, gets pissed off at everyone including the patients and then dips early to leave the other front desk person to be the last one out every day.

okay!!! i guess!!!

and it's also made me mad because she has talked some to that other front desk lady who's of course relayed this to my mom, but like...apparently R's version of events is that she's just go unhappy living down here and was happier where they were before and it's so sad because they did us this huge favor by coming down here to help take care of my dad and she just doesn't know what's happened now and blah blah blah, but by the sounds of it i guess this situation was really helpful to them financially which is great, but like............that was never the deal!!!

it also just kills me like, wait a minute......you guys VOLUNTEERED to help with my dad. we did not ask you. in fact, he wasn't really the biggest fan of the idea, nor was i. my mom wanted the help, though, so she agreed, but even she made it clear that they didn't have to do that because even she was on the fence about doing something that big.

we also had to work it out with the county and everything and they had told us we could only do it for six months but it ended up being 10 and no one ever came out and said anything or told us to stop, but that alone right there was like....hey, we can't guarantee anything, they may come out here the day the six months is up and tell you guys to pack it up, we have no clue, but point is....this was never an indefinite arrangement.

we said we'd play it by ear and see how it goes and i guess my mom really want to give C plenty of time to do whatever projects he was going to do, but this was never, ever once mentioned about being a mutually beneficial thing of like, "hey, we give you some help with your situation and you help us with ours!!" they acted like this was purely out of the goodness of their hearts and all for our benefit and then it's like....you guys come out here and don't do the stuff we wanted, do a bunch of stuff we didn't actually want and then R goes to work and actively fucks up my mom's day so bad almost every goddamn day that she doesn't get lunch (and i've told her that's what happens so she can't pretend like she has no clue!!!) and yet somehow......you guys were doing us a favor????

you didn't get out here until like....what, a few days before he died and helped me all of one day with him??

also, not for nothing but like...of this ten months my mom never charged them any rent and only after six months did she ask for some utilities and even then she would low ball it or not even ask for it if C had done a lot of stuff around the place for us and i even let R use my car for a while even though there were two perfectly good other vehicles sitting there that nobody was using she could have used instead but for some reason it just had to be my car.

she even bragged to that same front desk lady before that they were getting caught up on all their bills and saving up all this money and everything so like....by no means is them moving out us like...tossing them out with nothing and yet by the way R's making it out to sound we (or i guess more specifically my mom) are doing them an unkindness somehow and i just can't wrap my head around that.

even when we had the discussion about them moving, it was actually C who brought it up to my mom, so we didn't even come down on them like, "get the fuck out of here already!!!" and even when they discussed it she didn't bring up any of the negative shit, she just put it like y'know, it's been about a year and we think we're ready to try this on our own for now but even in saying that she let them know they had plenty of time to figure out what they were going to do and it ended up taking a month longer than what they told us initially, but we were totally cool about it, didn't even ask, "hey, what's the hold up?" or anything, just rolled with the flow and yet i guess no matter what you do for some people it'll just never be enough.

and again, clearly if she's going through something i hate that for her, but like...don't take that out on us. or anyone for that matter. i know she had a little health concern there for a minute, but everything's good now so i hope maybe that'll bring her some peace and hopefully she can either find a new job that makes her happier or maybe they'll end up moving back to where she was happier or just...something.

i really didn't want things to be ugly like this and i'm sure there's probably something more we could have done on our part, but at the same time it's also kinda like....y'know, we really needed that time, especially right after my dad died, to just be able to breathe and focus on our own healing and it really ended up being more about helping them and doing stuff for them and around them than anything so that....kinda sucks!!!

oh, and one last thing before i ramble on some more and then disappear like homer back into the bushes, but as they were leaving C told me at some point he'd come back and that i ought to get out my dad's gun so he could teach me how to shoot it now that they'll be leaving and, i dunno, maybe i'm wrong for feeling this way because i'm sure his heart was in the right place but like.......bud, i don't do guns. i think we all know this about me at this point. for good reason.

secondly, uh......just because there's not gonna be a man around here anymore doesn't mean we're helpless sitting ducks. i'm not saying i would definitely win in some kind of altercation should someone try to attack me at home or whatever, but i dunno, man.

my thing of it is, if someone is going to get me it's probably going to be in a scenario where i'm not even close to the gun anyway, y'know? that fucker's staying inside and locked up, if i'm under attack i'm either using whatever i have around me as a weapon and/or i'm unleashing all the rage i have bottled up inside of me and hoping for the best.

literally the other day i thought, "hmm, what if someone came at me while i was in the pool, what would i do?" and i'd probably try to get on the deck, grab one of the chairs on there and use it as sort of a shield/battering ram and even if the person takes it from me that'll at least give me a few seconds to run or do something else.

i've also got pool chemicals down there so like...how's some pool shock in your eyes for ya? how about some algaecide! you want some chloride tablet dust hands all over your face? you got it!! how about i whack you real good with this skimmer pole? and if possible....push the attacker in the pool and make a run for it!! there's so many options and i have too much time to think about stuff like that, so like...i'll either be fine or it's my time then it's my time, either way uh....i think i'm good, thanks.

i dunno, that kinda irked me, but whatever. it's over and that's the important part. i hope maybe we can all still be friends but i guess we'll see how things go as time goes on. i'm kind of at a point now where i sort of just expect relationships to fall apart and i just don't really give a damn anymore.

in other news, i fucked up !!!

so, i've been doing this thing for a while now with my work from home stuff where like...i'm not always necessarily working for all the time i'm actually clocked in because i end up doing other stuff around the house or sometimes a break just gets away from me or i'll even go to appointments and stuff, but!!!!

one of my managers had told me that was okay because i always got my work done and for the most part i did!!

i frequently would stay up until midnight and work on the weekends off the clock to make up for the time and thought it was all evening out and it was all good, but apparently!!!!! it was not!!!!!!

and so one day i just kinda get slammed with this information and then had to have a phone call with the manager that makes me cry about this because it's apparently a big no-no to do things that way for one thing but for another i guess here lately i haven't been making up the time like i thought, especially with me working 50 hours a week, so!!!

fortunately i didn't get fired, some fucking how.

she said if someone else besides her had caught it i would have been immediately terminated (so hey, R, i guess i found a way to get instantly fired after all, lol, just do that!!) but instead i'm just no longer allowed to get any overtime, i can't work off the clock anymore and i'm definitely being monitored so i have to be really careful now whenever i get up to use the bathroom or take the dog out or wash some dishes or whatever that i'm not away from my computer for too long so now instead of getting distracted by chores for however long that takes i do one thing, run to my computer and do some work and then do another little thing and then back to my computer, etc.

but, hey, i'll take it since they're letting me stay which i really appreciate. i really honest to god thought i was making up for the time and didn't think it was a problem, but i guess the manager that told me it was okay didn't realize, i guess and on my end i just got sloppy with it so i apologized profusely and now i'm just dealing with the consequences.

i did manage to not cry, though. the only time i got a little choked up was when the manager i was speaking with was even at one point like, "honey, i'm surprised you're not burnt out..." because she said she could see where i was up until midnight or even later just working and the fact that she could tell i was but no one else really has was just kinda like, ha, wow.

but yeah. i'm also not sure now if i'll even get a raise this year, which it's usually only a few cents anyway so it's not like, "no, my big raise!!" but still. that few cents helps and especially now that i'm not getting that good overtime money i am....feeling it, mr krabs.

i was finally getting to a point after being set back a few thousand dollars on top of still being in my own debt where i felt like i could finally start to breathe again and was even putting some in savings but that's all gone out the window now and i'm having to be even more careful than i already was with my spending, but this one's my own damn fault so i can't really be too upset about it.

i've instead just hopped back on the job search train to hopefully see about getting a second job that i can work around this first one. if i find something that could replace this one then even better probably but i'll just have to see, it's been a slow process so far because i am indeed quite burnt out, but we're trying. i'm even willing to do something that'll have me in person somewhere since i've got a flo mask now and can breathe a little easier while still staying safe in public settings so i could probably handle something like that with better peace of mind now.

hopefully i find something soon, but if not i'll figure it out.

sucks, though too because i started something with my gyn back when i was making that better money that i'm now getting bills for and we're still not done so...yippee (i think i can set up a payment plan, though and even if it takes me years i'll pay it all off).

basically when i finally had that goddamn appointment i was losing my mind over i had my checkup and everything went good there, but i also brought up the fact that i.want.an.ablation.

and i thought my np was going to be receptive to it, but when i actually got there i kind of felt like i strated getting the run around a little.

the first thing she said to me was, "well, with your weight..." and i pretty much mentally blacked out after that because a million thoughts (many of them from my disordered eating past) started swirling and all i could think about was "lose the weight, lose the weight now, oh my god, you've fucked this up for yourself, you fucking idiot" so i didn't really get the whole gist of what she was saying about that, but i did also think it was kind of weird because my mom was bigger than i am when she had hers done and it wasn't an issue so like ???

she also mentioned something about potential bleeding or whatever, but again i could barely focus at that point and whatever she was saying, it wasn't a complete no either so we went ahead with the exam and made a plan (she also asked me about my dad at one point, like "how's your dad doing?" and i had to break the news to her while i was sitting there like...basically naked and about to get my pap smeared. so that was neat. she was nice about it though and i do like this np because she at least went to get a mask when she saw mine so i'll give her that).

when she was doing my exam she said my uterus seemed like it was sitting a little low which could indicate it might be heavy for some reason and i know this is terrible but i was praying to every force in the universe that that bitch was full of fibroids like my mom's or just...something that would render me getting this procedure done or having the whole thing taken out, something.

she wanted me to have another period and then come in for a transvaginal ultrasound so we could see what that was about and granted she did give me some medicine to take that would help make my periods less intense (because that's the other reason i want this, i do not want to have any more fucking periods, especially with how heavy mine are!!!!) but it's these two big honking ass pills i gotta take three times a day while i'm on my period but it's only for five days and mine area usually seven (plus it's like $50 and part of the idea is also like....i'm tired of spending money on period products, why the fuck would i want to spend $50 a month on this medicine AND still have to buy period products??) and yeah, they seem to help some without counteracting the medicine i need to actually be able to walk and all that shit (although the jury's still undecided about that one because it's hard to tell if i'm just regular old exhausted or if it's those pills but i did seem to have a harder time getting around and was overall a lot weaker on them so...who knows) but i just don't know if it's a long-term solution for me.

in any case, i did a round of that and had my ultrasound and the only thing it showed was a spot that could potentially be a polyp but it could also be blood or something else, so she wanted me to have another period on those pills (which i have now) and i go in next week for another ultrasound to see if it's cleared up or still there and if we can see it any clearer if it is.

and if it is still there they may go in and go in to clear it out and that might give me some period relief as well or i dunno, whatever the case calls for i guess, but apparently as soon as i have that ultrasound done i finally get to meet with one of the doctors that does the surgery to plead my case, i guess, so fingers fucking crossed.

i've prepared myself to hear bad news, so i guess at this point if i don't get it i'll at least be saving some money, so i'll look at this that way and i guess if i just tough it out for a while longer i'lll probably be in menopause before i know it so i'll just suck it up if that's what it comes down to, but i'm open to trying some other options first, i just know a lot of traditional birth control fucks with my medication and i just....can't do that but that'll be for me to sort out and i will, whatever the answer ends up being.

oh, and i did try to clarify with her what the cautions were again at that second appointment when i had a clearer head and she didn't mention my weight again, but did say something about the bleeding and i guess it's something about how especially in younger patients they're starting to see internal bleeding around menopause or something and it's hard to tell if it's from the ablation or something else or what, but again i even ran that by mom who's a nurse and she was like, "mmmm, okay" so it really feels like they're just gonna hit me with every excuse they can think of to deter me, but i expected that so i'm not really shocked, just kind of annoyed.

it really does just piss me off to no end that like...i, someone who's almost 34 goddamn years old, can't just be like, "hey, hate this shit and i want it to stop, plus getting pregnant is not something i have any interest in doing whatsoever and i'm pretty sure i physically couldn't do it anyway, please let me make this perfectly rational decision for my body that would help with both of these things without running the risk of making my disability harder to deal with or drastically fucking up my hormones, please," and it be like, "okay, sure thing," and we just do the damn procedure.

but hey, at this point, if by some miracle i'm able to get one i'll shut the fuck up because i realize at this point even being able to still have access to any kind of birth control (whether it would work for me or not) is a blessing so i'll just take whatever answer i get and try to make the best of it.

so that's that saga for now, i'll keep you posted, i guess. and speaking of appointments and health stuff....now on to my therapy. yay.

i decided i wanted to cancel my appointment that was supposed to be this most recent thursday because for one thing i didn't really feel up to it and for another i was tighter on money this week so rather than owe her more than what i already do (which i'm paying her back, too, just like with everything else it's slow going) but anyway, i emailed her on monday and didn't hear anything back.

i know i've mentioned to her several times that i don't have good cell service at my house and she knows i work from home and never go anywhere except the grocery store, plus i know she's said that she responds to texts faster, but like...by no means had she ever said she doesn't respond to emails at all and i know we've emailed in the past so like...okay.

it gets to be wednesday in the afternoon past lunch time and still no response so i just say fuck it and clock out from work, get in my car and drive out to where there's cell service and sent her a text letting her know i needed to cancel my appointment and maybe this is my fuck up, but i did also mention that i had sent an email and i was having to clock out and drive out just to send a text and i wasn't really sure how to reschedule since this seemed like the only means of communication now.

i waited a few minutes but didn't think she'd get back to me right away anyway, plus i needed to get back to work so i went ahead and drove home, but she never did email me back and instead a few days later (because of the bad cell service i keep mentioning) i finally got her response through text and it just said "gotcha" and another that said "you can leave a voicemail at this number" and i dunno, i'm probably overreacting but that just felt...kinda shitty to me??

you're a therapist who primarily deals with neurodivergent clients, you know your patients hate talking on the phone. and again, i've told her over and over and over again the thing about the cell service and i guess it was never said explicitly like, "hey, please let me communicate through email with you about appointments and stuff" but it was also never said officially, "hey, i refuse to check my email or respond to any of them even when i know they're there and even though i'm supposed to be a professional" so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

and i dunno, i guess i'm just extra pissy, too because i've been sort of thinking for a minute now anyway that i might need to find a new therapist.

don't get me wrong, she has helped me quite a bit in this past year and i don't know what i would have done if there wasn't someone i could talk to about all this shit, but that was part of the problem is that even though i've been going for over a year now it still feels like sometimes i have to explain things i've explained a thousand times before all over again (like in particular anything about grief she always treats me like i'm a novice at this and i always have to be like, "yeah, well like with my sister...." to remind her) and it's just kind of frustrating because i only get an hour and i'm paying all this money and it's like...are you even really listening to me? do you actually care?

i know she has a lot of clients and i know it has to be a lot to keep up with but i dunno. i especially felt like at our last session before this interaction even happened that she was a little short with me?

i chalked it up to her just having a bad day because she did mention some insurance shit (and of course mine always gives her trouble and i always hear about it first thing and i'm just like....yeah, i don't really know what to do about that, you keep saying your lady who does your financial shit is going to reach out to me to clear all this up but she never does and my insurance card says i can't contact them so i dunno what to really do other than just keep overpaying for my sessions until i'm caught up i guess, sorry) but maybe it's me. probably it's me. isn't it always?

she's also the type of therapist anyway that will admit to you that she likes to sort of work herself out of clients, i.e. help them enough to where they don't really need her and i guess in my case i probably haven't progressed all that much and certainly after a year if i'm still making appointments and am behind on my payments i guess i'm just taking up space so maybe she's fed up with me, but i wish she'd just say that so i could just work on finishing up what i owe her and move on to someone else, y'know?

also, not for nothing but like...i feel like sometimes in our sessions we talk more about her and she monopolizes the conversation more than i ever really get to talk about shit and i don't really think our worldviews are as compatible as i thought they were so i've been a little bit on pins and needles anyway for a while, but was willing to still give it a chance because i know how i am and i wanted to really give this a shot, but it's just becoming less and less worth the hassle and is starting to create more stress for me than anything, so i've tentatively started to make a list of other therapists, but i'm willing to give this another chance or two before i make my decision.

really sucks, too because i've been trying really hard lately to get my mom into therapy and i didn't even want to tell her about any of this so as not to deter her from wanting to give it a shot, but i ended up telling her anyway today because i got upset about her drinking again and needed her to know i'm really struggling over here and don't even have any help at the moment and so it's just really tough for me when i can't even leave the house for a few hours without her getting blackout drunk.

it really got to me today because one of my aunts has come up from florida to see my grandma because we're getting to that point where uh...she might not be here soon so she really wanted to see her, well, that was all well and good except of course she flew in yesterday with all that shit going on so everything was delayed and we had to go to atlanta to pick her up and i don't think she was wearing a mask so already i'm just like....awesome.

y'know, i get it, i reached a point sometime last year where it was like, "okay, i'm in a position where whether i like it or not i'm going to be around people who aren't masking all the time and maaaaybe we have gotten to a point where it's cool as long as i'm still mostly isolating and staying up to date on my vaccines? so i took some more risks and boy did i pay for that!! i tend to forget i've got that weak immune system, babey, so i especially can't play those games, plus i really don't want to get anyone else sick so i've masked again and my mom still masks at work but i don't think she does it all the time so that's frustrating, but like...my aunt just traveled and was at the airport during a super busy time so it'll be a fucking miracle if nobody ends up getting sick.

i've harped on and on and on especially lately about how worried i am about covid and bird flu and how i'm especially vulnerable and i've tried to be really understanding and patient about it because i get how human beings work, i get how it fucks with people's heads to go out in public all the time and not see anyone but one or two people, if that, still masking, i get it's still "out of sight, out of mind" in a lot of ways, but just....fuck.

so, i'm stressed about that, but also i went to actually drop her off at my grandma's today (which i know it's like, "if you're worried about people getting sick should they still be visiting?" and i hate to say it, but they're both old enough and educated enough about this to know the risks and my grandmother wakes up every morning begging Jesus for death so i don't think she really cares, tbh) and i ended up taking a route that's over this windy ass mountain and of course it was pouring torrential rain as i'm doing it so i get through all of that and i get a little closer to home before i try to call my mom to see if she needs me to stop and get her anything on my way in, plus just let her know i got my aunt there safe and all that and she kept picking up the phone but just....not responding.

and i thought at first it was a technical issue on my end or sometimes our land line does weird shit like that, so i wasn't freaking out just yet although a part of me was like, "oh my god, she's on the floor injured and is trying to answer me but can't" but as i later came to find out she was just super duper drunk. i managed to even get her on the phone a few times but she kept hanging up on me she was so out of it.

and i dunno, i know this makes me a massive child, especially at my age, but it just kinda hit me like, "oh shit, i'm really alone in this bitch, huh?"

like...what if something had happened to me? or to my aunt? what if we'd gotten into a car crash driving through that rain? she wouldn't have been able to come to the ER, she would have needed to sleep it off.

and i mean, that's fine, i guess. i'm a big girl, i need to deal with shit on my own, it just sucks that she couldn't even wait until i got home to get that messed up. i wouldn't have been happy about it, but i probably wouldn't have said anything other than encourage her to go lie down when it was obvious she was getting too far gone, but since i wasn't there she passed that point and it's like...here i am, stressed out about a million different things, we just had my sister's death anniversary last weekend and we've got the double whammy next month of my dad's one year passing anniversary and then a week later his birthday, i just drove through hell and i'm calling you trying to do something nice for you and you're hanging up on me and don't give a fuck what happens to me because you just had to get shitfaced drunk in the middle of the day.

but i calmed down some and she sobered up some (not before drinking again later, but still) and i apologized and just kinda of let her know a little of what's been going on and why i'm so stressed.

i know it won't make a difference and i know she's probably never going to change and it's only going to get worse, but i just wanted her to know it wasn't coming from nowhere and it's just frustrating this keeps happening and only seems to get worse as time goes on.

sometimes i think it might finally be getting better or she might finally be willing to go to therapy, but then we have another day like this and it just kinda shatters that reality.

i really have tried to be patient and give her grace and just gently usher her off to bed while i take care of the dog and shut everything down and clean everything up and try to make things easy for her, but it's like i'm just doomed to sit here and watch everyone i love self-destruct in some way or another and there's not a goddamn thing i can do about it except every so often scream and cry about it, but that also doesn't really change shit so oh well.

she'll either get help or won't but my tears clearly mean dick to her or to this addiction and i'm too exhausted to keep pleading my case so in the mean time i've started making a list again of potential therapists for her so she can look them over and i'll help in any way i can to get her set up with all of that, but after that the ball is fully fucking in her court, i can't do it anymore

i've sort of been her stand in therapist this entire time which we both know isn't appropriate or fair to me but clearly nothing's quite as good as alcohol and if it's at this point where it's truly more important than me then so be it, i guess.

i still love her very much and she's kind of all i have left as far as people i'm close to so i don't want to lose her in any sense, but i'm also just sort of preparing myself for that just in case i need to leave here and focus just on myself or she kicks me out or just...something.

my dad had told me he was concerned about how things would go for us, especially with her drinking, but he did all he could do and i did all i could do and that's that, i guess.

it just really sucks that he's not here anymore for me to talk to about this. he understood. so did ashley. i would give any fucking thing on this earth to just be able to talk to either of them again. i've truly never felt more alone in my life than i have these past few months or years at this point, i don't even know, but i'm just kind of done with everyone and everything at the moment. i'm on autopilot.

i'm going to just try to find enjoyment wherever i can and hold on to that and just keep doing my best even if it's shitty and not good enough for anyone else and even if everything around me continues to fall apart and just get worse and worse as times goes on i'm going to just....keep going, i guess. until i can't anymore.

one thing, though that i've decided is that i refuse to be a nuisance to anyone else. i really don't want to be that person that takes my shit out on anyone else just because i'm a miserable bastard having a rough time of it with things, especially shit that's mine to sort out anyway.

i don't care where i end up or what happens to me, i would really rather beat the shit out of myself until i'm all bruises or give myself a concussion before i become so miserable i decide to take it out on someone else, in any way. even if someone's hurt me, i don't give a shit about getting even or getting revenge or any of that petty bullshit, i just want to be left the fuck alone and honestly the more i go on, the better that probably is.

i'm probably just not in a good head space right now and will change my mind later and who knows, may even try to make new connections later, but for the time being i just want to sleep for about a hundred years straight and then worry about being a person after that.

anyway, this is very long and quite a bummer so i apologize if you've read all this.

i kept waiting to make an update until i'd have something positive to end on at least or something promising to look forward to, but uh...nope. seems like shit just kinda gets a little worse every day and i know it's only a drop in the bucket compared to how life in general is right now for everyone so i'll wrap up this little whine fest, i just hate that i pretty much abandoned this space even though i like being on here (i also get a lot of naked bots following me when i don't post for a while so there's that, too).

anyway, hopefully the next time i pop in for an update i'll have better news or i might just stick my head in now and again more often, i keep saying that but then...yeah.

anyway, hope if you're reading this life's treating you well and if it's not i hope it will soon. i know shit's really rough right now so i hope you're finding joy whenever and wherever possible and holding on to it.

later days <3

#just an update #long post

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hyugaruma · 11 months ago

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WOOHOO MATCHUPS!! ok uhh for my personality i would say i'm an extroverted introvert, if that makes any sense? i don't mind hanging out around people, i enjoy hanging out around people i like, but sometimes my social meter can go down reaaaal fast. i don't like socialising that much, but if i need to or want to i can converse pretty well (i guess). im quite blunt, im not afraid to say what i think needs to be said, as i feel that hiding things only leads to more problems. i know when things don't need to be said and when to keep my mouth shut tho. i usually balance out the people i'm hanging out with: if they're all quiet introverts im the talkative social one, if they're all loud and chaotic im the quiet one with common sense. idk why i do it its just easier to balance things out, it comes naturally to me. I'm also usually the protective one of the group, if someone looks at my friends funny i'll be the first one to glare back, or shield my friends from them. heck i'll even pick a fight if i need to, come at me bro. when it comes to standing up for others, all my shyness and social awkwardness goes out of the window lmao. i can also be a bit too sensitive at times, my emotions are quite strong, leading me to cry even though i definitely do not feel the need to 💀. it's humiliating honestly but i just ignore it and act like there's no tears at all. other than that i can usually push my emotions to the side and think logically, the best i can in that situation anyways

for my interests and hobbies, i like gaming and consuming fictional media, mostly manga and anime, although i don't mind other genres as well. my current hyperfixations are high&low (duh) and tokyo revengers, so u can kinda see a theme going on huh... i'm also a huge music enjoyer, i can listen to anything (except for love ballads. idk why i just can't rlly stand listening to them), but my fav genres are pop, kpop, and jpop. I'm also an actor! I'm aiming to get into the entertainment industry in the future, although my parents want me to take a more "solid" degree first just so i'm able to support myself financially (they're not wrong honestly). i think i'm pretty good at acting teehee (i'm rlly good at lying too :P).

there are many things i dislike, so many that i can't even think of any, but i guess the most important ones are discrimination like homophobia/transphobia, sexism, racism, etc. ik it seems like a no brainer, but i absolutely cannot accept a partner who does any of these. it's not that hard to be a decent human being. ive already mentioned most of the things i like up there, but others include cats, plushies, kuromi, food (i LOVE food. small stomach tho), and many more that i again cannot think of.

i hope this is enough info, lowkey feel like ive overshared so apologies for that, i've never done a matchup before 😅 thank you so much!

p.s. i love ur writing, i'm glad there's still writers like you who keep the community alive <3 thank u for all ur hard work! and sorry again for writing so much T-T

tysm for requesting, and also for the kind words :-)) and don’t apologize, more is always better for me to work with!!

I match you with… Miyauchi “Binzo” Kouzou!

Binzo prefers people who are honest and upfront about their feelings and thoughts, and doesn’t really believe in sugarcoating things, so he would like that in a partner as well. Also, if you ever picked a fight with some asshole in front of Binzo, he’d fall in love with you all over again, like holy crap he would be all heart-eyes emoji over it. Maybe unpopular opinion here, but I see Binzo as being an introverted extrovert type, so I can see the two of you balancing each other out well. Binzo is all for good action plots so he’ll definitely be down to binge some Tokyo Rev with you. Also, this dude eats like a horse (do horses eat a lot? idk), so if you like food he’ll probably take you out to eat, like, all the time.

Alternate Matches: Odajima Yuken, Tettsu

#high&low matchup

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weed-ols · 10 months ago

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Reviewing Every UKISS Release: By Unpopular Demand ~ Only One

Ah yes, their 1st studio album, and the peak of UKISS. I remember this coming out because it was around the time of the Olympics, and I don't know why that's the way I remember it.

But yeah, they were soooo popular now, they had tons of variety shows - Pops in Seoul for the English line, Chef's Kiss was right after this, and I think UKISS Vampire was done around after that, or after Break Time, I can't remember.

Only One - 1st Studio Album | 2010.02.03

I liked Bingeul Bingeul when it came out, and I still do prefer it to MMHN. Not entirely sure why, though it might be because I'll always associate with Chef's Kiss, and that makes me feel some real warm fuzzies. Also, was this when Soohyun's dating scandal happened? Or was it after this? Anyway, kudos for him to just going "thanks for making us the #1 trending topic XD"

This is something I meant to put in the Conti UKISS review but forgot, and it's that they seem so much taller in MMHN. Like I know Dongho and maybe Kevin and Eli were still growing, but all of them just seemed so much taller, for MMHN, and that's the importance of good styling.

So yeah, we're still in their woman-hating era, but it's a little dialed back now. I don't really have any good relevant tea about this era, which is a little weird. Was this when they had their first ever concert? I think it happened before Break Time, and if I remember correctly, it was because the Philippines LOVED Bingeul Bingeul and it went crazy viral there, so as a thank you they had a concert in Manila.

I don't think I ever watched the full concert, but I kinda feel like it would be the endearing disaster that any small-mid company's group would have when hosting a concert in somewhere not South Korea/Japan/even China. I think I remember the audio being really bad and I wasn't sure if it was just the video/recording problem or if it actually sounded like that on stage. Did they even have enough music to do a concert?

Oh right, and beware of this album on Spotify I don't know why it's so messed up, but there's 2 versions of it up, and like a couple songs show up on the Real School OST and none of this is consolidated. It is a hot mess, do I like tell Soohyun this on Bubble or on b.stage or what?

Intro | YouTube Music 2.6k | Spotify 1.3k

It's 20 seconds long what do I even say

The piano is nice until Kevin's autotuned voice kicks in

5/10 meh I like what I heard, but it's 20 seconds

Bingeul Bingeul (Audio) | YouTube Music 3.2M | Spotify 560k / 1.78M

I have 2 numbers for Spotify because the album version has 560k, but for some reason they the Real School OST there, and the numbers aren't consolidated and that one has 1.78M

Yeah I don't get it

"U U U UKISS AND BRAVE SOUND~" so iconic

I like that the whole premise of this song is "baby I love you please come back" like name a more dynamic duo than UKISS and being pathetic begging men

And the fact that this breakup is basically their fault, yet Kibum is still out here calling me bad? Uh excuse you you're the one who's in the wrong

Does that count as woman-hating? Perhaps

"You make me tingle tingle" absolutely horrific, thank you Eli

The "jjaeggakjjaeggak" part after Eli's rap is one of my favourites I don't know why, it's so catchy

This is mostly a Soohyun/Kevin duet featuring Kibum, Eli, Xander, and Dongho

Kiseop was there and he probably looked gorgeous

Not much to say about the singing since it's mostly been autotuned, but Kibum does sound much better here, and I like the contrast between him and Soohyun

The rappers rapped, that's for sure

Something about the way Dongho sings "you are the only one" is so cute

7.75/10, it's just a fun dance song, not much more I can add. Not earthshattering, but super catchy

Bingeul Bingeul (MV) | Fan upload 10M

Wait was this never uploaded officially?!?!

So I'm watching the alleged HD version and it's still giving 360p-480p, even though YouTube says it's 720p

Again, is this the same expensive camera for Shut Up!!?

But oh my god we've entered the iconic 2nd Gen MV Box

I forgot that it's not just The Box, but a Spinning Box

Get it??? They're making kissing gestures because U U U UKISS and~! It's so corny I love it

This part of the choreo is always gets me it's so fun to look at

The rapid cuts between the members lol

Again, some peak 2010 looks here

First, I gotta give my condolences to Dongho apparently it took like 7 bleach jobs to get his hair that light

I don't know if they did it in a single sitting, a couple, or spread out, but damn that's gotta hurt the scalp, even if he was young

He does look good with that pale blond though

Xander's hair is tragic they just gave him what they gave Kibum for MMHN, except it really doesn't suit Xander

Kiseop looks amazing as always

Kibum's hair is like a 3D sculpture I wanna know how much product is in it

I like Kevin's hair colour, that light brown always looks good on him, but I hate the bowl cut it's so not a good look

But yeah the studded jackets, necklaces, copious amounts of leather, so 2010 bad boy chic

Oh and we can't forget the skin-toned lipstick, guyliner for days, and emerging smoky eyes

I forgot the chorus dance is supposed to be done in a circle that's really cool, but I do just love a good circle moment in a dance

Now THAT is a look

Is it good? Is it bad? I don't really know but I love the eyeshadow

The hair isn't super flattering though

I have conflicting feelings about these white outfits

I love the overall look and feel of them, but I think a lot of them aren't flattering when they dance

Kevin and Kibum both have the longer jacket and it makes the dancing feel really clunky and difficult

They also have a padded shoulder look, which I actually do like most of the time, but here it makes them look like they have bad posture and permanently hunched shoulders

It's kinda giving cartoon proportions

So yeah, not much happens in this MV it's literally them dancing in The Box in the studded jackets, some solo shots in The Spinning Box, some other solo shots with the art projects drawn on them, and dancing shots in the white outfits

Yeah there's only 2 outfits in this MV, 3 if you count the art project looks

Yes NH give us no budget

Okay, let's be fair, they blew the entire budget on Kibum's hair products, Dongho's bleaching sessions, Eli's eye makeup, the white outfits, and the ink art shots

4.75/10 it was boring, and saved mostly by Eli's cool eye look, and the fact I don't despise every outfit here. At least they're not in a warehouse for this MV, or you know what, they probably are, but they're contained in The Spinning Box, so that's a little interesting

Bingeul Bingeul (Stages) | Highest viewed 1M (Music Core)

Because I cherish my eyes, I'm watching the 1M MuCore one because that one is in HD

I'm sorry but the opening kinda looks like Soohyun's shaking his butt for us

Oh and they're also using headsets for this, I think this is their first comeback using them

Bless the camera guy for giving us a wide shot of this it's my favourite part of the choreo

I love the use of use of differing heights it makes such an interesting image

Wait, are...are those capris? Are they all wearing capris other than Kibum??? Oh my god

Soohyun kinda looks like an exotic bird with that hair

There's a lot happening with that top - the leather vest, the different coloured sleeves

This is actually a pretty good look for Kibum, and he looks weirdly happy here

I think he winked before this too how cute

Camera guy why are you not focusing on Eli like yeah I love Soohyun too but sheesh how could you ignore Eli during this iconique line??

I love that you can hear them slapping their arms during the "nae ego" part of the rap

CAMERA GUY WHY WOULD YOU CUT AWAY FROM SOOHYUN'S BODY ROLL HE'S REALLY GOOD AT THOSE

I really don't like this outfit on Kevin it's not flattering at all on him

And I hate his hair

Also not loving Eli's top, but I appreciate the random clump of fabric

Ki brothers really do be the best dressed here

He had no lines in the song so they gave him the final pose lol

So I've always thought the Bingeul Bingeul dance was silly, especially the chorus part, but after seeing the MV I see the vision now

It looks really cool when they're in a circular formation, but stupid when they're in lines, but circles aren't the best for stages like this

The dance isn't particular difficult, I think the opening is probably the hardest due to the synchronization

The funny chorus bit was probably more difficult for the MV than here

I will say this kind of choreo falls flat without enough commitment, so while funny to watch, they definitely committed

Not much to say other than that. They clearly work well as group, they're all at a minimum competent dancers, and the only real standout here is Dongho

Like MMHN, this choreo is basically made for him, plus he has that kind of je ne sais quoi and pulls your eye

It was sung live, it was a Soohyun/Kevin live duet, the rappers rapped, and I suspect a loud backtrack for Kibum and Dongho

7.5/10 the stage design is kinda boring, and I don't like a lot of their looks, but it's a fine stage overall

A quick Bingeul Bingeul lookbook because I can still upload more images

I forgot it was a super shiny material

The fabric moves better than I thought, but I don't know I still don't love the look of it

The pants look especially bad in movement, like they're way too baggy because of how the fabric hangs and reflects light

And yeah, I still stand by Kibum and Kevin having the worst jackets

Also I think this was the first stage they did for this?

Mics were really good, and Eli ended this stage? Do they take turns for the final pose?

Why are half of them dressed for the same event and look like they lost the dress memo?

The random thing hanging off of Xander's jacket lol

I like Kibum's vest love the epaulettes

Why is Kiseop just wearing a button-up with epaulettes?

I don't even hate these looks individually, and I even see the running motif in them, but they don't feel unified

Kevin, Dongho, and Soohyun should have larger shoulder ornaments

Xander needs an epaulette or something

And Kiseop should be wearing a vest like Kibum or a jacket like the others

Kiseop finishes this one huh

I hate these looks I like the monochrome idea, but what's with the beige/khaki?

And why are some members in all black but the others are mixed?

Not Soohyun wearing a black pleather crew neck with a black pleather jacket

The mics were really good here and they were all live, I think Dongho's voice cracked a little

Uh those are some looks

I hate those pants so much just let them wear long pants

Before there were those hidden socks and exposed ankles, there were the exposed calves and shins

The copious amounts of pleather is incredible

Without You | YouTube Music 924k | Spotify 388k

Oh my gosh I love this song it's one of my favourites

It's sounds so cute, so sweet, and it's so catchy like I'll honestly start humming this at work without even realizing it

The "baby I love you please come back" song like it's that good

Once again, cementing the fact they're at their best when begging

"Boo" #2

It's honestly amazing how dissonant the lyrics are to the music, like the song itself is fast-paced and cheery

Then the lyrics are basically them begging their girl to come back and crying themselves to sleep

And the fact that this is one of their encore songs, truly incredible

This is basically just a Soohyun/Kevin duet featuring Eli and Xander

They're both killing it though - Soohyun has that bitter voice that works great with the lyrics, while Kevin has that sweet voice that falsely advertises that this is an upbeat song

Their vocal synergy is unmatched

9/10 an all-time favourite of mine so yeah, I'm biased

Mworago (Audio) | YouTube Music 449k | Spotify 26k

Remember how there was supposed to be a 3D animated music video for this? Yeah me neither

The fact that there's a 15 second teaser of it on YouTube literally haunts me

The concept for it is probably rotting in NH's basement or something

So this is what I imagine to be the sequel of OK!

There's a line about the girl making them seem like a beggar, and what did they say in OK? That they weren't going to be a beggar

Thus based off of their pattern of "baby I love you even though you cheated on me", this could either be OK's prequel or sequel

Personally, I like this as the sequel because it makes it 10x funnier

The whole song is basically "you treat me like shit but baby I love you please come back", which is a new variant for this genre

Allegedly, Kiseop does the intro bit, but I'm not buying it. A couple of sites I've checked out attribute it to him, but I don't hear him?

So this is a Kevin-centric song featuring Soohyun and the rap line, with none for Kibum and Kiseop

I think his voice is very well-suited for it - he sounds just like a kicked puppy most of the time, but musters up the right aggression

Soohyun, sounding bitter as always

But they're both hampered by the autotune, that damned Brave autotune

I thought it was interesting they attached Eli's rap to the first verse to lead in to the chorus

Actually, Xander and Dongho both rap before the next chorus, interesting placements

It doesn't sound bad at all, I kinda like it

No funny one liners, unfortunately

8.25/10 more points than Bingeul Bingeul it's more creative and I love a good UKISS being pathetic beggars song

Mworago (Stages) | Highest viewed 89k (Fan upload) | 26k (Inkigayo)

I feel like I have no recollection of ever watching these stages before recently

Oh my gosh I actually love most of these outfits? The black/red is so nice

I love Kevin's little plaid jacket like it's so cute I want it

And not his statement necklace

Dongho has a kind of taupe trash bag shirt, love that for him

The vests are kinda taking me out

And Kibum's single arm warmer thing

Oh I love Kiseop's jacket too, especially the plaid lapels

They all have much better hair here; Dongho back to his bowl cut, Xander's looks more natural and comfortable, Soohyun has typical idol hair, Eli for some reason is blond again, Kibum rocking the same 'do from Bingeul Bingeul, Kiseop's is...very Kiseop, and Kevin's fluffy light hair

The makeup is very light too, love that though I hate the lipstick still

That pose kills me

His lips were moving during this so I guess this is Kiseop's part?

Head choreography was really in with them, huh?

It's kinda cute, makes sense since Soohyun's just shouting "what" the entire time

It's not even that similar but this screams Stalker

Why does he enter like that?

Same vibes as when you're not sure if you're entering the right room or if you're interrupting someone

This is so dramatic, and for what? I love it

It's not a super iconic dance but I like it anyway. It looks pretty aerobics-intensive

There's some weirdly soft moments in the choreo for this kind of dance song though. I don't hate it, but it feels a little out of place since so much of it is sharp and angular

It also makes a lot more use of height, lots of crouching and bending

Soohyun and Kevin are definitely singing live, their expressions say it all, and it becomes obvious when you hear Soohyun fighting with backtrack!Kevin, and when Kevin lets the backtrack take over to catch his breath

It's a bit harder to tell with the rappers since they also have that autotuned voice thing

7.25/10 I would watch it again, not super memorable, but some interesting choreo

I still have 5 images left before I hit the limit Mworago lookbook time

I like these more relaxed looks, very 2010

Wait is Eli wearing sweats?

Actually all the other videos are too crunchy never mind

Bang Bang Bang | YouTube Music 292k | Spotify 27k

UKISS party song hell yeah with a dash of um...I'm not entirely sure

I've read a couple translations of this and I'm still trying to piece it together

I think it's a "baby I love you please come back" and "angry we broke up so now I'm partying the pain away but it still hurts" mix?

It also feels like an allusion to sex? Like other than the bang bang bang part

Not counting it as a UKISS Sex Song but it's close, it just needs to be more explicit

I do appreciate the storytelling in the lyrics, starting off with "feel like shit gotta go have fun", the sex allusion, "baby I love you", "I'll never love again leave me alone >:(", "baby I miss youuuu", and ending with party lyrics again

It's basically another Soohyun/Kevin duet featuring everyone but Dongho

Interesting parallel with the Kibum/Soohyun and Kiseop/Kevin verses

Once again, I'm asking for more VinSeop verses their voices work well together

How do Soohyun, Kevin, and Xander all sound so nasally here? I thought it might've been the autotune or something but Kibum, Kiseop, and Eli sound relatively okay

Like I'm genuinely impressed I want them to try to recreate this some day

"Singing that!" I thought for the longest time Xander was saying "Sing it dad!"

Also Eli back to calling us bad girl huh

7.5/10 it's a fun song, super catchy, but the autotune is...a lot, and I mean there's not much else to it

Dancing Floor | YouTube Music 216k | Spotify 15.8k

Nasal kings here we go

Bang Bang Bang was just warm up here they're so nasally it's incredible

Like I think it was in that 2020 IG Live with Soohyun and Kevin where they're talking about old songs, someone brings up Dancing Floor, and they literally cannot replicate it

It gets mentioned again in their 2021 vocal line mini reunion and somehow Hoon nails it???

But yeah the lyrics are literally "I'm so depressed that my girl left me so now I'm gonna tear up the dance floor and become the disco king"

Gotta respect the mindset

Horrific how catchy this song is, but understandable since this is the same guy who did Mazeltov

It does feel like a proper Soohyun/Kevin main/lead vocalists + Kibum the subvocalists and accompanying rappers who get like 3 lines each as the bridge

Poor Kiseop with nothing

"Sing it daddy!" the only thing more surprising than hearing this incredible one liner, is the fact that Xander is the one who yells it and not Eli

6.5/10 just because of how horrific their nasally voices are in this my god. It is super catchy though

ManManHaNi (New ver.) | YouTube Music 12M | Spotify 451k

Not much to say, it's a MMHN all right

There's just added some more music and a slightly slower feel to the song, which is basically a negative for me

I think I prefer the original version because it's 8 seconds shorter, and I think it carries the momentum of the song better

Not loving the weird tempo change before the chorus like come on stop torturing me like this

But I do prefer the more stripped percussion for Eli's rap

Also not someone in the comment section saying the original MMHN is the same age them baby what you're a literal fetus

6.5/10 inferior MMHN variation, and I had to not only relisten to the original version for comparison, but I had to listen to this twice

OK! (Remix) | YouTube Music 14k | Spotify 5.2k

I know it's a remix and all that, but I wish it was an acoustic or stripped version

Like that was my biggest complaint with the original with how the autotune detracted from Kevin's voice

And now we just have a lot more noise layered on

6.25/10 not horrible, but there's nothing about this remix that improves on the original, except I guess add more dance beats

I Like You (Remix) | YouTube Music 8.1k | Spotify 2.2k

I like that this is basically a remix of the instrumental with the chorus repeating

Like the song was so unsalvageable they just had to remix the instrumental

This is basically something you'd do like an aerobics class to or whatever

6.25/10 I liked it more than the original

Talk To Me (Remix) | YouTube Music 44k | Spotify 5.9k

Okay this kinda slaps

The remix actually tones down the Soohyun vs Kevin shouting match so it just sounds like normal singing now, which makes this pretty nice to listen to (though not as funny)

The recurring keyboard/piano bit even adds a bit of class

7.25/10 I actually really like this and I'm gonna put it on a playlist now

Not Young (Remix) | YouTube Music 15k | Spotify 4.7k

The lively beat helps a bit

But now there's this weird...dissonance? Like this remix is still pretty soft, but it feels too hard for a song like Not Young

6.5/10 I'm very confused, not in a bad way, just...not sure of what to make of it. I don't hate it, but I also don't like it much more than the original, plus the weird clash between the lyrics and beat that just doesn't work

Give It To Me (Remix) | YouTube Music 10k | Spotify 2.3k

Since the song already had a strong beat, the remix works really well

The dance break sounds much better

I'm a bit confused by the choice to sort of 'hollow' their voices? I don't think that was necessary

The tempo feels a bit faster, and I think it fits a lot better with the whole "don't stop the beat move your feet" bit

7.25/10 another new song going to a playlist

Not really fun facts, but some funny tidbits I remember regarding this time - there's an interview of them from either the time they were filming the Bingeul Bingeul MV or just after, and it's so cute. One of the questions was who made the biggest first impression, and I remember Eli said Dongho because he thought he looked like a tacky country bumpkin. Kevin backhandedly compliments Soohyun by saying he took one look at him and knew he was probably the best singer there (cue Soohyun shouting "what, am I ugly?").

They also get asked who watches porn, and everyone kinda nervously looks around, except for Soohyun who proudly raises his arm, and slaps Kibum to raise his too. If you remember my last post, Kiseop had already admitted to watching it on Soohyun's laptop with Kevin, so those two are lying liars.

This tidbit is actually from 2023, but Soohyun was talking about his early days under NH, and how the lower management really liked him because he could sing well and worked hard (to the point they'd tell him to stop practicing and go back to the dorm because they couldn't sleep), but upper management hated him because he wasn't a flower boy. Apparently the higher-ups never called him by his name early on, just always "hey you", and never complimented him, and the first time they called him by his name was around Bingeul Bingeul and it made him cry. NH, I'll see you in hell.

We have one more release before this OT7 era is over, and while I do look upon this time very fondly, I'm excited for the 2011-2013 years, their back-to-back bangers, and the HD JP MVs I have in my possession.

#ukiss #uwukiss #this is such a weird year i thought i remembered more but i guess not #there are a ton of clips i have a vague memory of but they're impossible to find now because of how things were named back then #and all those disappeared lj and blogspot pages gone but never forgotten

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1ntr0v3rted · 1 year ago

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Yoooo bro I’m back with my unwanted opinions LMAO

so me being me and being a wannabe critic or a wannabe explainer or whatever I looked up drama of some of my favorite people when I was little (still tbh)

I was the kid that was on the iPad 24/7 YouTube and Roblox Minecraft etc raised me than my own parents

I watched denisdaily and flamingo (flamingo later on in my life) I just didn’t watch anyone else but maybe Brent Rivera (ur stupid automatically bro idk what I saw in u)

Denis was rlly popular and stood out to me for his Roblox videos I subbed to him before he got all popular and #1 like maybe when he started his YouTubeish and I would watch him everyday I saw every single office he had even his bedroom with his roommate Sandra and Sandra’s boyfriend I rlly thought they were cool people I was really into sir meows a lot and having a character like that for a YouTube

My iPad was like child locked or smth like my dad would have to put his password in for me to download smth so his account was on there

Id beg and beg to like get Roblox and play it and become like Denis I truly looked up to him (I’m saying looked like I still don’t)

Apparently people r mad bc he took a mental health break and he had the pals situation plus the scam robux thing

But tbh the pals situation wasn’t Denis’ fault corl went haywire and so like he was gone and they all dispatched from each-other now u barley ever see Denis talking to sketch, Alex, or sub

Denis has a growing audience and rn children just know jokes like we have YouTube shorts we have TikTok and instagram which kids these days have like dude they know the jokes that are being said. There’s specific moderations u can put on ur kids device to make it only kid things and yes Denis might still pop up but he’s still pretty family friendly he’s just being himself like he is with his friends

I always wished like Denis and flamingo could meet and now they’re like literal lovers man (IK u see it bro don’t say otherwise they joke so much about being together) which also with apparently like homophobic allegations towards them both I think of it as just flirting with ur guys bro but my opinion doesn’t matter for what they have going on

Denis took a mental health break which is completely reasonable he couldn’t be with friends he just couldn’t go to YouTube anymore and have that motivation he’s on his own schedule bc he’s a person too

Now we’re onto flamingo who not everyone likes (u do he’s the #1 Roblox youtuber) and he had AlbertStuff which he said some pretty yk reasonably bad things and said some racist things and got attacked but he legit regrets who he was so he made flamingo and was family friendly with his still agressive type jokes but they’re not bad at all they’re funny and annoying and it’s great man

Also I wanna point out u guys r kinda acting like everyone who has a rep needs to be perfect like nah we all problematic (I am too bro dw)

Albert acts like AlbertStuff never happened that’s how much guilt and regret he has for that YouTube channel

And yes people like flamingo and Denis have changed to more and more PG-13 content but that’s also bc everyone else has become more PG-13 AKA THEIR OWN AUDIENCE

I grew up with them and it feels more funny and lively that they’re kinda growing up with me that’s what makes them rlly special to me (gonna cry/j)

It’s the same with the Barbie movie everyone was mad about it saying it was inappropriate for children (I don’t see it tbh) but it’s PG-13 just don’t bring ur kid?

What I’m saying is is that flamingos past is not who he is today and neither is Denis.

But the people who to this day r problematic and haven’t apologized and have ruined a community needa go

(I’m looking at you inquisitormaster lmao)

Thank you for reading my unpopular opinions !! (Don’t come for me or else I will show up as a frog and curse you)

#denis #denis daily #Roblox #roblox youtuber #flamingo #AlbertStuff #Albert #youtube #inquisitormaster #problematictwt #personal shit

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kingkatsuki · 9 months ago

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hi love! I was wondering if you have any suggestions/recs for things to do in London? my friend and I are going there for a week in March!

Thank you for any insight! ✨💖🌻

OMG THATS SO EXCITING! I wasn’t sure if you wanted recs for like bars or anything so I went for things to do😂

I actually went to Borough Market for the first time ever today and that was super lovely? There’s so many different food stands and stuff and so many things to try! I wouldn’t say there’s anything really traditionally British there (or maybe there is and I didn’t pay attention) but the food we had was insanely good and it’s got like the proper old school market vibe it was lush!

My favourite favourite place in London is Covent Garden. And not even because there’s much to do there, but it’s just super pretty to walk around? Like it’s got the old school architecture and there’s so many cute coffee shops and bakeries to try out all the yummy food. And there’s usually cute pop up shops and things to enjoy too.

And there’s also the Sky Garden which is absolutely free but you have to book tickets online and then you get to go up in a lift and there’s loads of like plants and flowers at the top and you get the most beautiful views of London and you can go outside and take photos (like no glass etc in the way). There’s also The Garden at 120 which is also free and I’m 99.9% certain you don’t have to book tickets you can just show up and it’s quieter than the Sky garden but I thought the views were a bit shitter, BUT it’s like 360 so there’s no glass at all and it’s just views and again there’s like a little water feature up there and places to sit and watch the sunset (go at sunset it’s stunning I promise!! I can post pics I think I have some)

Camden is also super cool to walk around too, it’s changed a lot and it’s kinda gentrified now but it’s got a canal area where you can sit and eat or drink if the weathers good, and loads of different market stalls that have gifts, souvenirs and foooood!!

Kensington Gardens is better than Hyde Park (idk if that’s popular or unpopular opinion), but I feel like whenever my friends visit London they always wanna go Hyde Park and I’m like why???

Try and go to a play or a show while you’re here if you can? We always have rush tickets or lotteries that make them so cheap and there’s so many amazing shows on in London right now!

I feel like there’s so much more I could recommend but I’m not sure what you specifically wanna do?

I tried to say the less obvious things instead of just like Tower Bridge, Tower of London etc but if there’s anything specific you’re looking to do or have more questions pls ask!!

And also please be careful of pickpockets when you get here!! It’s actually insane how many people get their phones stolen from their bags/pockets here or swiped out of their hands by people on bicycles. I know it happens everywhere but London is so much worse for it lately I dunno what the fuck is going on.

#jo talks

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gayleviticus · 2 years ago

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Alphonse Elric or Wrath (03) for the ask game :)

ALPHONSE ELRIC

favourite thing: I love how nice and gentle and sweet he is despite everything going on, but also in 03 how he has this anger and almost self disregard bubbling as time goes - when he's captured by envy thinking he should have died so many times in the past, when he tries to rip wrath arm off to give it to ed, when he recklessly sacrifices himself to try and save ed

least favourite thing: I feel like cos shortchanges him way too much. we get such a compelling insight into ed throughout the whole series even if much is implicit, but cos doesn't really reckon with either al losing his memory and how he feels about that or have time to deal w him regaining it and what that means for him and ed. and I get it's prob partially intentional because amnesiac al feeling more unknowable deliberately alienates us from him - he genuinely feels different, and we have to wonder if the recklessly cheery attitude is a facade to cope w missing ed. but nonetheless it feels like cos kindve demotes al from the co protagonist position he had throughout the series

favourite line: not fav for any deep content but i love the delivery - the bit in cos where ed lands in the armour pile, sees a helmet that looks just like al - and then its eyes light up and you hear a 'niisan..? NIISAN!!'

brotp: ed and al!!!! I love their relationship so much it is so deep and powerful. but also scar and al is such a nice duo - the way scar vicariously lives through the elrics brotherly love because he regrets letting his crush on human lust get in the way of telling his brother he loved him 😭 also al/wrath post COS bc the film left so much of their relationship unexplored and I need to know

otp: I think al/fletcher could be kindve cute. al/wrath too - I know some ppl find it icky bc of wrath viewing sloth as his mama but I feel like aside from the sloth/trisha distinction it doesn't really create a brotherly relationship btwn the elrics and wrath. and im just as content w it as a brotp too anyway so

random headcanon: not cis and not straight - being trapped in a body you don't recognise and feeling cut off from really living and engaging w the world is dripping w queer subtext! more specifically I like nonbinary gay al but I can really see it going in any direction. (altho I can't think of any girls I would want to ship him with in 03 or fmab)

unpopular opinion: uhh... I don't know how unpopular it is but him and mei as a couple in fmab does not make sense to me lol

song: currently I literally only listen to fma ops lol so I can't answer

fav pic: this is a tough one.... but

WRATH (03)

fav thing: he is just such an interesting addition into the gaps of the source material?? making izumis baby who she tried to transmute into a homunculus is soo interesting even just in a meta sense, and the whole parent child switcheroo between sloth/izumi and wrath/elrics is so good

least fav things: I need to know more about him post COS and his relationship w al and winry and izumi!!!! especially since he was one of the few people who really knew wtf was going on down in the underground city along w rose

fav line: 'she was your mama too' when the elrics kill sloth. brutal

brotp: as above him and al but also I'm dying to know what his dynamic w winry was. and come to think of iit envy too honestly

otp: al/wrath ig (per the disclaimers above) but aside from that idk lol who do you ship him with

notp: I guess like with any adult I just don't like those kinda pairings. sloth w izumi would be especially yuck

random headcanon: he likes cats too. idk. just popped into my head

fav picture of them: DO I HAVE WRATH PICTURES? I'm sorry... my folder is dominated by the elrics... lemme see... I have this shot from the 4th ED lol

#ty for sending the ask!#fma 03 #asks #tumblr no naku koro ni answer arcs

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epickiya722 · 10 months ago

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Hello....For the ask game (send me a character and I’ll tell you…): Can I ask for Tanjirou or Inosuke (from Demon Slayer)? Thanks if you want to answer...

I adore Inosuke, but I'm gonna do my favorite here!

My first impression: "Aaaaw, he's an older brother! Hope nothing bad happens! Ha ha... ha..."

My impression now: He is my favorite Demon Slayer character and jumped on the list of my favorite anime characters. I just think he's great!

Favorite thing about that character: Is it fair to say his personality? He's such a sweet, likeable kid. Even so, he is quick to tell someone off about their behavior. Even with demons having sad backstories, he'll still feel sorry for you, but you gotta die. Reminds me if another that I'll mention later... Also, the fact that he has that strong damn forehead and nose.

Least favorite thing: The amount of times Tanjiro has put his body on the line always has me about to scream. Like, sweetie, please... still adore him though.

Favorite line/scene: Tanjiro just has many scenes I favor. One that comes to mind is when he tells Muichiro how "life has a way of awarding good deeds and how often times when you're helping others you're helping yourself" and he'll go help him find the swordsmith and the way Muichiro reacts was just... dude was like "say that again", all amazed and I don't blame him.

Favorite interaction that character has with another: Of course, I love Tanjiro's interactions with Nezuko. One of my favorite interactions, that come to mind, they have is when he's braiding her hair and talking with her. It's just too cute! Also how he interacts with Zenitsu and Inosuke, love that. Especially, with Zenitsu, the face Tanjiro makes is too funny. He's like unimpressed with his behavior. That face is literally a meme. And with Inosuke, when he wakes up right after the fight in the Entertainment District and Inosuke is in the ceiling and Tanjiro is just laying there unfazed by his behavior.

A character that I wish that character would interact with more: I know we got a bit of them in the beginning and they pop up here and there, but I do wish we had more of the Kamado family. Like... my heartstrings... damn you, Muzan.

Another character from another fandom that reminds me of that character: Circling back around, Tanjiro reminds me of Izuku Midoriya from My Hero Academia. Green boys with red thrown in there, adorable badasses with good hearts, looks out for those younger than them, tends to sacrifice their lives to save others (while making me rip out my hair because OH MY GOSH... YOU'RE IM CRITICAL CONDITION, GO LAY DOWN), a day apart in birthdays, bad guys can have sad backstories but they will still let that bad guy know they're in the wrong.

A headcanon about that character: After rewatching the Entertainment District Arc recently, I do headcanon that Tanjiro probably has sung some lullabies to his siblings every now and again. He kinda slowed down after they got older, but after what happened with those demon siblings, he finds himself doing it again for Nezuko.

A song that reminds of that character: This song also reminds me of another character, too. Matsuri by Fujii Kaze. I've been listening to that song nonstop lately. It just has this soothing, happy rhythm to it that reminds me of Tanjiro. I think it's a fitting song for him.

An unpopular opinion about that character: Hm... I don't think I actually have one for Tanjiro! Probably that he is a very likeable and it's hard to hate him? Oh, and I like him with long hair. His shorter hair is nice, too.

Favorite picture: Honestly, just every time he smiles. I need a collage of those smiles. Also his silly moments! Really love this one shot of him and Nezuko!

Send Me a Character...✨️

#kiya answers #kny #kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer #tanjiro kamado #kamado tanjiro #kamado tanjirou #tanjirou kamado

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wuiwuikiui · 2 years ago

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what are some of your hottest vsynth takes

hi this is a lot of negative and complainy stuff have fun.

illustrators in the community are absolutely tossed aside.

you dont need to use voice synth programs to be a huge vocal synth fan.

utau isnt hard compared to most vocal synths. all voice synths are hard and have their own learning curve. it's just a matter if you want to learn it.

kikuo isnt unique, like at all. its more like combining 3 different styles (edm, orchestral, and like music box sounds???) into one song and the songs where he doesnt use like all three or more are good but like. i wouldnt call them unique. particularly salty abt this bc there was this one person that would never shut the fuck up about how unique kikuo was when its like... yeah kinda mid.

female utau voicebanks sound bad. i dont know what it is they just sound like dog doo doo a good 70% of the time. male ones almost always pop off- worst case theyre a little flat and plain.

utau and pre vocaloid 5 are better than any ai ever.

ai voicebanks are weird. i get it. theyre really cool and impressive. however, they don't give off what made vocaloid unique back in its day. there's a few ai vbs that are "robotic" (kafu, kevin, uhhh) and theyre honestly the best ais out there. for realistic vocals- best ones are stardust and solaria.

with that being said uncanny > realistic > robotic

i hate vocals that are extremely choppy and robotic like defoko sorry girlboss.

the project diva franchise sucks ass. i dont think this is unpopular, but i literally cant play the pc ver of mega mix bc the audio doesnt work with RAZER HEADPHONES. like the best gaming headphones out there and i have to play it with my headphones unplugged or it sounds like its from splatoon. even the older games are kinda meh, like dont give them rooms and talking man- just let me tap tap button chart.

meiko is actually so mid. im so sorry i dont understand the appeal to her voice. both deep and when its squeaky.

almost all english voicebanks (with exception of a couple of ai vbs) are garbage. and i know its bc the language is harder to replicate blah blah blah phonetics blah.

talkloids are annoying. the only good one is that one of shuu and ruko on miku day that i saw on twitter. funniest shit. you can hear the happiness in their voices.

bring back the cevio colour series.

proseka en was the worst thing to happen to the vocaloid fandom in 10 years.

proseka > project diva

friday night funkin was the worst thing to happen to utau. ever.

9zero is cool as fuck. he sounds like GARBAGE- but oh my god you know what this means- were getting closer to true rock synths.

vocalo changer is lazy. with that being said. i love it. as long as the person that creates content with it acknowledges it as lazy, have fun.

they/them pronouns for any voice synth character is so fucking real. do it more.

creep-ps music slaps so hard. both old and new.

ikus og vb is better than her remaster

dont get mad at p's for moving on in the music industry. voice synths are a hobby. not an industry material.

people that literally interpret the vippers bios are the worst people and need to fall over.

#ruko is a dilf

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princess-of-the-corner · 2 years ago

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Oh, what are your headcanons/ideas for Caballeron?

Okay so it was like. A lot? A chunk of them were written before 'Daring Done?' I think but I kinda rolled with changing that episode to fit.

ANYWAY

So!

Caballeron and Daring first met in the archaeology department at college(both of them have a doctorate in the field). She was a year older and the two weren't really close but they were aware of each other's existence.

While Daring went straight into adventuring, Caballeron tried more usual archaeology and ended up as a professor himself.

However...

Archaeology is a bit unpopular and underfunded due to certain things. Namely that just. A chunk of history has been rewritten. Nightmare Moon and the Elements of Harmony got the /best/ treatment of being just legend. Discord, Chrysalis and the Changelings, Sombra and the entire Crystal Empire, plus a lot of other stuff I'm adding to the Lore like other Immortals? All erased. No one's heard of any of it.

The Royal Family is aware, Celestia having lived through all that and her nieces and nephews learning family secrets. But at this point there's been so much rewritten and at the time Celestia thought it was better for the Kingdom if left forgotten, but now it's gone too far to turn back.

Except archaeologists dig that up. Because ancient artifacts would show that those things existed or mentioned them. But it goes so against the history and trying to say "hey this ancient carving indicates that there were several Immortals" when everyone /knows/ there's only Celestia and surely Celestia would've said something if she had a bunch of siblings, right?

haha....

So yeah very few Ponies have a genuine interest in archaeology and those that do usually become a bit disillusioned after a while.

This is what happened with Caballeron. He would find something on a dig, and then get it ignored. So why not do something with it and make some money for himself?

But he's not entirely disillusioned which is why he still teaches. But still.

Caballeron also doesn't.... He doesn't quite realize that some of the stuff he's selling are powerful and dangerous artifacts. Again, the Ponies have far too much faith in Celestia being able to keep track of and lock up any doomsday device. And he leaves after he gets paid for getting the thing, so he never sticks around to see Daring deal with the aftermath.

He does run into Daring again and while he offers to partner up, she thinks he's a villain and is also determined to work alone so she turns him down. They do keep up the Rivalmance though whenever they meet.

Caballeron finds out about Daring's books. A few of his students ask him about it since the character in the books match him directly. He's amused by Daring including him, even as a villain, but assumes that a majority of it is a work of fiction and Daring just used him for a few scenes. So he's like 'yeah I know the author and she put me in the book don't worry there's no doomsday artifacts haha'.

Eventually he gets roped into the rest of one of Daring's adventures and has a whole crisis of finding out the rest of the books are full real and also that he kinda had a hand in near world-destruction a few times. Daring's like 'My dude.... really??' but that does make a lot of his actions over the years make sense.

That shit kinda realigns your moral compass so he's not down for stealing in favor of random shady motherfuckers. But he does do regular stuff like Daring does now and if they happen to run into each other they actually mostly joke on the rivalry and work together more. The rivalry more comes into play at the end of 'who manages to run off with the treasure first?'.

Okay stepping away from direct archaeology for a moment:

At some point I decided that Caballeron and Filthy Rich were cousins. They're pretty close actually. Not as much as when they were kids because life got in the way, but he'll still pop around for birthdays and Hearth's Warming.

He is absolutely the 'fun uncle' to Diamond. Nice gifts and teaching the kid some badass skills behind her mom's back.

Speaking of. Caballeron definitely does not like Spoiled. He's never around often to really put his hoof on why she bothers him, plus she's nice because he brings great gifts at Hearth's Warming. But he is not surprised when Rich gets full custody in the divorce.

Since he's been to Ponyville, he's met Pinkie. And Pinkie is down to make friends with everyone so while he thinks she's a bit weird, he rolls with it. I think he's probably met AJ and Rarity in town before, but not in any capacity where they would recognize each other.

Caballeron was surprised to see her during the adventure in 'Daring Don't', but didn't really think much of it because. Well. It's. It's Pinkie. You don't question Pinkie.

This does lead to a bit of fun at some point when he's in town and Rainbow just sees him and fuckin tackles his ass.

Rainbow: "What the hell are you doing here???"

Caballeron: "Well happy Hearth's Warming to you too but what the fuck?"

Man is not the most observant when it comes to Ponies. So he totally never connected 'the rainbow-maned mare that helped Daring those few times' to 'Rainbow Dash the Wonderbolt and Element of Loyalty'. So that throws him for a fuckin loop.

But hey Daring says he's cool now and Dash has befriended worse so she's like 'okay it's chill."

He actually shows up at a great time because Twilight is actually kinda looking for an archaeologist pony to help her deal with everything in the old castle in Everfree.

She offers that and he's a little sus about it because that place is definitely full of historical things most ponies love to dismiss in his line of work. But that is exactly why Twilight wants to dig through the place. She confirms his suspicions about things being hidden purposely, and the Major Events happening have made even common ponies notice that fact. So they're gonna catalogue everything.

Caballeron actually loves the castle and its' traps. He makes part of the deal with Twilight be that he can bring his students there to practice dodging more dangerous ones in other places, because as of right now he just has a very home-alone-esque setup obstacle course but this is fantastic!

Also that one kid Petunia Paleo ends up his TA when she's older.

#mlp rewrites

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vanillahub · 1 year ago

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☄❀✂❦

@honorhunt

the salty af munday meme [Accepting]

☄ Have you ever been in the middle of drama?

// In all of my years RPing here, I've managed to avoid big dramas for the most part! Thank fuck.

So, the one that did involve was mainly due to misunderstandings, from another person. This happened about 4-5 years ago, and the person in question has come clean and apologised for jumping the gun, the way they did. It's all good between us, but the incident in question has kinda of stuck in my mind.

Essentially I had responded to one of those unpopular opinions memes, and this person's former friend looked @ my post and went straight to this person, try to push the idea I was somehow vagueposting about them and their muse. And they believed their so-called friend in question.

Which I really wasn't..... At all. Things escalated for like an hour, thankfully it all ended within that night, and next to nothing hit the public dashboards. But it was still seen as an odd incident, because other rpers who knew this person better, found their reaction to my post odd (they could tell my post wasn't a jab at all at them). Then about an year later, I was reached out by this person and we both cleared things up.