#and then also a bunch of stuff that's probably just tmi tbqh lol. just meditating on The Robby Incident from a place of personal experience

[macchiatosdumptruck]

TW for alcohol and SA and also like, the mortifying ordeal of being known.

As someone who has had their fair share of drunken hook ups and one night stands I've always had complicated feelings about this sort of thing.

Because on one hand, a lot of the time I did want it, I was drunk but not enough to not be able to consent. Being drunk was the only way to relax enough to even enjoy sex tbqh.

None of it was healthy, I regretted like half of it after the fact Lmfao. But in the moment it was consensual.

I've always wondered, like, where is the line that goes from Drunk to Too Drunk to consent. Approximately how many of my mental faculties do I still have relative access to?

Is that something I would've done sober? Probably not. But at the same time I didn't feel the need to stop them, so like, that was basically consent right?

And I would go back and forth on this over and over again, because that was the only way I knew how to function in any sort of relationship.

And then.

There are other times when hours are missing. Just gone. I don't remember what happened. Or it comes back in bits and pieces. That I know without a doubt I would not have sex with them unless MAYBE I was in a particularly bad self destructive spiral and very very sloppy drunk.

But even sloppy drunk you're still cognizant to a degree, and I feel like I could understand when the line of being a willing participant was crossed. Could I actually? Idk. I literally don't remember. Was there intent?

But basically, like, if the intent was there, and it would've been there before getting drunk or getting Too Drunk I would tell myself it was fine, just a mistake.

But whose fault was it? And if the intent wasn't there, and I don't remember intent ever being there when does Not Stopping someone turn into consent, or lack thereof. If you're a passive participant then what does that mean.

I was always trying to figure out my own level of accountability.

But the times when it's just blank? Gone? You don't even remember it? You were not a participant, even passively. It was something that happened to you?

(and then the little gremlin in your head goes "well you could've been okay with it. you are after all a sad, self hating, stupid bitch." )

And I remember a really bad time once. I called my brother crying and he said "God damn it kid, I love you but you've got to stop drinking." He was right, of course. But he also reinforced the idea that I was to blame. And it was my responsibility. That it was some sort of active choice rather than something passive that happened.

And to the point of placing blame, I feel like I always forget to imagine the same thing happening to someone else. From an objective view, what would you think if that wasn't you?

Idk. I forgot what point I was trying to make. But yeah, the way sexual harassment/assault has been treated in this show, (many thoughts) combined with the way substance abuse has been treated,(many thoughts ) it shouldn't have surprised anyone that they WOULD think "nah, it still counts."

I guess, like, what I'm saying is that I think they thought they were trying to portray a self destructive messy hook up, and instead they portrayed a scenario with a very clear lack of consent, and considered them the same thing.

Which is.

Hm.

Interesting that they seem to not understand the difference.