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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year ago

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sometimes (well, it's almost all of the time nowadays) it feels super exhausting being someone who's super closed off. there are times when i do want to vent abt stuff, but cannot, because:

1. the problem is too confidential in nature, and thus i cant just spill it casually to others

2. the problem is too complicated that not explaining everything in detail will make the person i'm talking to misunderstand and draw the wrong conclusions, but having to explain every little thing is also exhausting. my problems tend to get tangled and influence one another instead of being fully separate, so there are also times where said problem needs to be explained in great detail to be able to get full context, but there are also some part of the problem that are confidential so i cant talk abt it and thus making the other person not have the full context, which in turn just makes me frustrated

3. idk if i just happen to stumble upon shitty ppl or anything, but sometimes i get the impression that ppl consider me very passive and incapable. if i talk abt a problem, i always get recommended simple solutions that i either have tried with no result (or sometimes even worsen the problem), or not possible to try for whatever reasons. but if i tell them that they will either come up with reasons on why i should have done this or shouldnt have done that (stuff like "well u should have done xxx back then to avoid this problem" or "thats ur own fault, why did u even pick xxx/do xxx, did u not think of the consequences", or if i say i cannot do this and that bc of reasons, i get responses like "stop making excuses" or "well, life is hard. nobody told u life will be easy" or smth similar. this is very frustrating when it comes from ppl whose circumstances are obviously easier than mine, but it pisses me off when it comes from someone whose circumstances are similar to mine, but they managed to get out of it out of pure luck. it comes across as really annoying bc like. u went thru the exact same thing as me. i have seen u break down over this. now that ur out of the situation (with pure luck, mind u, not bc of their own effort(not saying they put zero effort, but effort alone wont be enough to get them out of the situation)), u look down on those who are in the same place as u in the past? this is, like, the kind of person i really have a hard time respecting. u literally reacted similarly to us when u were still stuck here, but after ur done with it... u look down on us??? same reason why "i was so cringy back during my teenage years" rubs me the wrong way, bc i believe u should have compassion for ur past self, not mock them, but especially u shouldnt mock current teenagers bc they remind u of ur own behaviour in the past. even if said behavior is immature... well, u literally werent an adult at that time so give urself some grace pls. esp bc ur disgust towards ur past self already extends to shitty behavior towards other ppl. (to clarify, i am an adult, so no, this is not a teenage complaining abt the way adults treat them (altho i support their right to vent abt shitty treatment from adults as well)). like, okay, i wont tell ppl what to believe and how to think so i wont bring it up to these types of adults, but as soon as that mindset makes them treat anyone who reminds them of their past self badly... then thats a different story

for example (not the problem im stressed out about; just an example): i complain about not being able to get a job. they say "well u should have looked harder for job vacancies", then i say i have applied to 100+ vacancies and none accepted me. they say "u should have honed ur skills, nobody wants an unskilled worker", then i say "i did hone my skills, i was ambitious before graduating uni, but all those hard work led me to serious burnout, which is why u only see me 'lazing around' (resting) nowadays". they say "well thats ur own fault then. who told u to overwork urself". bonus point if they were the exact person who told me to use my time before graduating to get as much experience and skill as possible so i can compete with countless others and get a decent job. but i know for sure they will also blame me if i wasnt ambitious and honored my own limitations back in the day (turns out i've been living in hard mode since i was undiagnosed neurodivergent, ha!)

but even if i was diagnosed, i will still get blamed for not standing up for myself. really annoys me bc aside from the notion that disabled ppl has to go above and beyond just for accomodation... i did try to advocate for myself. multiple times. which led me to the conclusion that nobody cares no matter how nice i phrase my requests. i will end up at the same position anyway. so i really hate ppl who always assume i havent tried every single method at my disposal

i think the problem is... i feel like deep down they already have a preconceived notion about the whole mess being my own fault. so no matter what explanation i give them, they always respond with things i could have done (or should not have done, according to them) without taking into account the specific circumstances at that time that led me into making those decisions

4. difference of value. there are also times when the person i talk to is supportive, but then they give support/advice that differs a lot from my value, so i cant execute the advice. in this case i usually also feel bad bc i feel like i'm not appreciating their genuine support by not heeding their advice

simply put, lots of those experiences have made it hard for me to trust others enough to vent seriously. i feel like i get super wary of possibly receiving invalidating responses. but at the same time, it's kind of exhausting. sometimes i think abt whether im the one who is too picky abt the response i hope to get and thus just sabotage myself regarding receiving support, but like. i generally dont feel safe enough to vent abt stuff unless i know i can launch long ass rants and not get invalidated, but also... ngl, the length of those rants also usually make me wary of the other person finally snapping and accuse me of only complaining without attempting to remedy the issue. but it's really, really exhausting. i wish i can just vent freely without my defensive walls anticipating invalidating responses, but unfortunately that's my reality. i only have the courage to vent abt general stuff like this instead of the specific problems im dealing with, simply because in abstract vents ppl can just sympathize, while in more specific vents... lots of ppl immediately go to problem solving mode? and for some reason my request to only be heard, not given advice... usually get disregarded under the guise of caring for me? while they go on and ignore the part of my vent where i told them i already did what they're suggesting me to do?

also, tbh the main point i'm venting about is the exhaustion of not being able to find the ideal person to vent to (even though i do know my criteria for ideal vent person is... quite a lot). i'm wary of getting invalidated, but not being able to vent is also exhausting. also, as u can see... my way of venting is so all over the place that most ppl wont be able to comprehend what im talking abt, which can hurt a lot esp when im feeling shper vulnerable. so when im vulnerable i tend to not interact with ppl

Hi anon,

I'm sorry about what you've been through. It can definitely be hard to vent when the problem is either too personal to share, requires a lot of context, the person you vent to gives bad advice even if they've been in a similar situation, or doesn't consider your values. It makes sense to find it exhausting to have many experiences of people mishandling what you want to get off your chest.

Unfortunately I don't think many people in general realize that not everyone is asking for advice when they vent about something, and it's important for them to listen for a question like "What can I do about this?" as a cue to give advice. Many people may not have experience or education about giving advice and actively listening which could explain why some have made dismissive comments towards you like "life isn't easy". It's hard because even the people who you could say are dedicated to listening and responding to vents (therapists) aren't perfect and can dispense advice unsolicited, despite their training. So please know that it's valid to feel wary of venting, not knowing how someone might respond.

We try to pay close attention to what someone is asking of us, whether it's support, advice, validation, or if they just want to vent. When it's the latter, I try to avoid advice as much as possible and just focus on active listening and validation. I hope that I could help make you feel heard, and please know that we're here if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse

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elysiansparadise · 3 years ago

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Astro Observations IV

🟤Outer planets [Uranus, Neptune, Pluto] conjunct or making tense aspects with Moon make the native feel disconnected from some members of their family. They may feel like strangers at times and may find it difficult to have a long conversation with them, they may even prefer to distance themselves from them. They often find family ties in other people, and may feel like they don't have a thing called home. They may have ideals, behaviors or desires to be different from some members of their family. Due to this feeling, these people can have a hard time becoming very attached to someone or a group of people, so they have a tendency to prefer solitude or spend much of their time on their own.

🟤Mars making hard aspects with Saturn makes the native very hard on themselves. They have a hard time accepting compliments, and wish they could do more, they hardly value their efforts. Ironically they value and point out those of other people. It is difficult for them to see themselves with eyes of love, but they do not realize the greatness and talent they possess. They are strong people, who struggle daily with the negativity of their mind, with the demands of that voice that lives inside them.

🟤Uranus-Moon/Venus tense aspects are common in people who received inconstant affection from people who loved them. This oscillated between periods of great appreciation and others in which it seemed that they did not exist. From a young age, they were able to face fickle affections not only from family, but from friends. All this makes these natives seek stability in a partner beyond other superficial factors. They yearn to find a person who gives them constancy and continuous attention.

🟤 Earth sign in the 9th house or Saturn in the 9th house is very common in people who tend to be pessimistic. They are people who feel that life has not been the sweetest for them, so they do not know what to expect from it. But on many occasions those expectations are negative. These people prefer to believe in hard work and do not believe that things magically happen to them if they want it badly. They hate when people are too positive when it reaches an unrealistic point. They like to have a realistic mindset.

🟤Saturn in Leo may have felt deprived of approval, recognition and admiration when they were very young. Based on this, natives with this placement tend to care a lot about what others say or feel about them when they are young or immature, but once they grow up, they have the ability to develop a very strong sense of identity that is incapable of being broken by other people's comments. It can be a difficult path for them to separate themselves from what others think of them, but eventually they get it. They are people oriented to success and do their jobs in a formidable way, so in the work area this placement can augur much appreciation for them and they can become well-known.

🟤People with Saturn making hard aspects [conjunct, opposition, square, quincunx, semi-square & sesquiquadrate] with Moon may have felt that they were not appreciated in their childhood. They could hardly have heard any compliment or reminder from someone telling them that they were doing a great job. That is why they do not know how to react to compliments and have difficulty accepting them.

🟤Saturn in Cancer may have felt the lack of support, love and compassion from their family. They are melancholic people with a tendency to look at the past and wonder what would have happened if everything had been different. They may have expressed vulnerability as youngsters and faced criticism or disgust from others seeing them this way, so they learned to deal with their emotional problems on their own. They struggle with the idea of being intimate with someone or being completely transparent. Over time, they can become very successful if they learn to accept their needs and stop holding them back. This placement can be a great indicator to be able to leave a legacy or a mark that transcends with time.

🟤Fire Venus have a thing for independent people who seem to be fine without them. Very clingy, cloying and dependent people annoy them. They prefer a person who gives them a lot of love but who gives them their space and freedom. For them it is essential to find in their partner a person with whom they can bring out the extensive variations of their personality. I have noticed that they tend to prefer calm and relaxed people who are a stability for their chaoticism, but of course, that the person is able to follow the joke and has a similar sense of humor.

🟤Semisextile couples in Sun, Moon, Venus and Mars are more common than it seems. Many people might think that they are incompatible, somewhat brusque with each other and that they become energized when they are with each other, however, in private it is quite the opposite and these people can be a great support for each other. Once they overcome their differences, it is very likely that they will enjoy a very stable and beautiful relationship. I have noticed it more in Aries-Taurus (Sun), Virgo-Libra (Sun and Venus), Sagittarius-Capricorn (Sun and Venus) & Aquarius-Pisces (Sun & Moon).

🟤Saturn in Pisces may feel that they have to carry the emotions, problems or desires of others, they may feel that the world lacks compassion, especially with them or those most in need. They are people that others could take advantage of because of their enormous heart and generous disposition. They have to learn to discern between what their needs and wants are and the wants and needs of other people. Many times they wonder what will be the best good for all, but they rarely ask themselves what would be the best for them.

🟤Hard aspects between Neptune/Pluto - Sun/Moon are a great incentive for trust issues. Neptune is key in these issues, due to its kind nature, people could have taken great advantage of the native, which caused a gradual development of distrust, that feeling of never knowing clearly the type of person with whom you are dealing. While Pluto’s nature gives us a somewhat fatalistic perception, thinking that anyone can betray them if they are very vulnerable. Hence the native's need to appear powerful, unbreakable and somewhat intimidating.

🟤Aries Saturn people feel anger or annoyance when a person is unable to do their job well, especially if there is only one person. When people are irrational, when they are unable to come up with quick deductions on their own, and when they are lazy. It is one of the most demanding placements on Saturn.

🟤Water houses show us parts of our personality that we repress for some reason. The 4th house tells us the traits we hide from the world but only show with those we trust. The 8th house can be traits of our personality that we refuse to accept about ourselves or for fear of the repercussions it may have on other people. 12th house are the traits we try to repress out of fear or shame but end up showing more of on a subconscious level to other people.

🟤Neptune shows us the way we evade reality. It is not surprising that many people (many of us, in fact) avoid reality by using the internet or playing video games, since Neptune, being a generational planet, is in the sign of Aquarius, related to technology. People with Neptune in the 1st house, for example, evade their reality by daydreaming about their ideal life and ideal self. 5th house Neptune with their hobbies, going on dates constantly. 12th house Neptune sleeping, and so on.

🟤Saturn in Gemini may have been treated as naive, making them think that their way of seeing things and thinking was insignificant or that their opinions did not count. These natives may have problems interacting with other people because of this belief. However, this placement of Saturn is quite good, since it favors a good intellect, an incredible ability to retain information and learn, this more than anything because Saturn is in its triplicity. If they overcome their fears of interacting with other people, they can stand out as amazing communicators, writers, and speakers.

~Elysian

#astrology #natal chart #astrology observations #astrology notes #astro observations #astro notes #aries saturn #gemini saturn #cancer saturn #leo saturn #fire venus #neptune #pluto #moon #sun #venus #uranus

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edwardelricsrightarm · 3 years ago

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"A lesson without pain is meaningless. For you cannot gain anything without sacrificing something else in return, but once you have overcome it and made it your own...you will gain an irreplaceable fullmetal heart." - Edward Elric

In honor of disability month and the FMA 20 year anniversary I wanted to address some Thoughts™️ about the series.

It's not often you see a disabled protagonist in media where their disability is integral to the story without taking up their entire character, even more so with anime. Yet, Fullmetal Alchemist has not just one disabled Protagonist, but two. The Elric Brothers are an exemplary representation of disability in media that I find myself reflecting on often as a disabled person myself. If you haven't completed the manga or Brotherhood, skip this as it will be brimming with spoilers.

(Mangahood will be my point of reference because while 03 is good on its own merits it's not as fresh within my immediate memory, and I am far less familiar with it. Keep this in mind, I've watched FMAB 10 and a half times whereas I've finished 03 only once years ago.)

The story highlights their disabilities immediately, Edward being a double amputee and Alphonse being without his ENTIRE body, only having the senses of proprioception, sight, and hearing left. Yet, despite this being key to the story and an integral part of their characterization, it is only one facet of their motivations and doesn't take center in the narrative, which is refreshing. It's not inherently negative to make a narrative centered on the characters' disabilities, but often this model of a story goes very wrong very fast and starts to feel hollow (no pun intended). FMA avoids this by making their disabilities a clear part of the plot and their motivations without allowing it to consume the entire story, so the Elric Brothers don't suffer the "my disability is all of my character" problem that many disabled characters are relegated to in a vast portion of media, all while being strong and competent.

Recap:

The brothers wished to revive their mother, but their good intentions cannot change the atrocity of their mistake, Truth makes this abundantly clear from the start. Edward loses his leg first, a punishment for "stepping" into God's shoes and transgressing the place of humans in their world. Alphonse loses his entire body, unable to feel any warmth or simple comforts like food and rest, when all he wanted was to feel the warmth and comfort of his mother's embrace again. At first, Alphonse's entire being is consumed by the gate, but Edward acts immediately, refusing to lose his little brother and refusing to allow his arrogance in this plan to cause his brother's death for only following his lead. Edward gives his right arm to have the gate give back Alphonse's soul, and stated clearly in his panic that he'd give his entire self to save Alphonse if that's what it would take, but Truth took his dominant arm only, showing something akin to mercy, although the character of Truth is capriciously strict and hard to describe as "merciful".

Through giving up his right arm, Edward regains his Right Hand Man, his little brother and best friend. His only remaining family, who he feels responsible for protecting in the absence of their parents. He felt immediately that he'd made a grave mistake, instantly full of regret as he realized the gate had taken his brother. In that moment he was willing to give anything to take it back and undo the suffering his arrogance caused his brother, yet Alphonse was still to suffer more to come. Ed tied Alphonse's disembodied soul to one of Hohenheim's collected suits of armor, managing to at least keep his brother alive in some way. One could say that Alphonse's punishment functioned as a secondary punishment for Edward, showing him how easily his hubris could have cost him what he has left in his obsession with regaining what they'd lost, their mother. A very clear symbolic reminder of the weight of his actions and how he'd misled his brother in his own naive ignorance. Even in giving another limb away to drag his brother's soul back out of the gate, he couldn't offer enough to bring him back intact. Thus is the law of equivalent exchange.

Now that we've reviewed some of that basic symbolism and the motifs the story draws upon with limbs and body parts in relation to characters, let's move on to each individual brother and break it down, shall we?

Edward Elric is a very realistic protagonist, this is one thing a majority of us familiar with this series can agree upon. He feels like a believable teen boy, with layers of complexity to his character while also showing arrogance and immaturity that is unsurprising at his age. He expresses unwillingness to kill and avoidance of unjust violence from the beginning, and has a strong moral code after the ordeal of committing the taboo.

In some characters his cocky personality would typically become grating, yet the story explains in itself why he is this way, then builds upon this to develop him into an incredibly mature character who is willing to admit when he's absolutely wrong and adapts to new information and context for the crisis unfolding around him as it comes, even if he remains crass. This arrogance is shown from the start to be a manifestation of insecurity, self loathing, and repressed guilt. Edward is a logic driven person, he has a very unique thought process, which is where my interpretation of him as autistic comes in. Edward's awkward social demeanor, somewhat abrasive and cold approach to some, and his trouble coping with nonsensical societal structures all stand out in this way. Furthermore he clearly shows hyperfixation, hyperactivity, special interest, and infodumping behaviors that are all too familiar. He's picky with food (*cough* the milk thing), has very little filter and speaks his mind bluntly even if this can warrant conflicting responses, yet at the same time struggles with vulnerable emotions, and he is frustrated when his own routine or itinerary are interrupted by forces beyond his control. All of these things Scream autism with comorbid ADHD. Many traits are shared between the brothers, and I'm quite certain they're both on the autism spectrum based on behavioral patterns. Neurodivergence aside, Edward's physical disabilities are undeniable.

Despite his bratty persona, Edward is fundamentally kind and uncharacteristically gentle and soft around the edges for a shonen protagonist in many ways. He cries openly on many occasions even if he struggles talking about his trauma and burdens in words at times, he feels pain, grief, and compassion so intensely it throws him into action on a regular basis in the narrative. In this way he's also a fantastic example of non-toxic masculinity (though in other ways he has displayed more toxic traits, he's just a kid). He acts on his heart, even if he's led by his mind and logic in most things. His humanity, value for life, and care for others will always win over his logic, and he shows a sense of personal responsibility for doing the right thing even if it harms him in the process. Ed is clearly shown having ghost pains in his lost limbs which is honestly an interesting detail to include, I don't think I've ever seen that aspect of amputation shown in media aside from FMA. It's also shown that when Ed's automail arm breaks this is a HUGE problem for him, but he's also shown to be very good at working around this in difficult circumstances. He doesn't become completely helpless, even if majorly weakened.

Alphonse is an extremely lovable and compassionate boy, brimming with altruism and care for others. Even in his noncorporeal state he pursues a better future and he's not helpless by any stretch. Edward clearly states Alphonse is the superior fighter for example, and it's not just because of his armor body being so large. He's *talented*, that's a fact. Al is every bit as clever and capable as Ed, moreso in some ways, and I love that about his character *because* he's so clearly disabled. He has no sense of pain, he is completely incapable of sleeping, he can't eat, can't relax or find comfort, he can only exist and think. This causes him to overthink in all his time alone, this is debilitating. He clearly is absolutely sick of the loneliness this causes, and he often feels helpless though he's not. He has doubts and fears that consume him in relation to his armor body, he questions his own personhood, even. Yet, Edward is stubborn and staunch in affirming that no matter what he's dealing with, he is fundamentally still a human being that is loved and irreplaceable. Alphonse is powerful and his body gives him some advantages, but it also sets him back, and the brothers know this even when others claim Alphonse's state is somehow a good thing. I have hEDS, a disability that comes with advantages as well as the major downsides, so I can understand and relate to Alphonse here. I too am told my disability is a boon because of flexibility and because I'm less likely to fracture bones, but I'm twice as likely to injure my ligaments and joints, which people ignore.

The brothers are both disabled, both flawed, both show weaknesses, but they are competent, determined, and strong in their own right. They are rounded characters that exist for more than to be pitied or condescended to by able bodied characters around them. They put their entire being in everything that they do no matter what that is, and they don't know the meaning of giving up. These traits that they're made of truly make them a shining example of disability in protagonists for others to look to for reference when writing their own disabled characters.

Even though by the end Edward has regained one limb and Al has regained his body, this also doesn't just deus ex machina reverse their disability or make it go away. It's clear that Alphonse's body is weak and has to be rehabilitated upon recovery, and Edward is still missing his leg and bears the scars and pieces of the port from his automail arm. They weren't suddenly made able bodied upon recovering these things, they reclaimed what was lost through struggle and grit, but the narrative didn't give the impression that their disability in itself was something to be fixed, which is important. They wanted to recover their bodies, but this doesn't erase the effects of their disability.

It was about Edward atoning for leading Alphonse into their mistake and saving his brother from suffering further, it was about them proving they can keep moving forward no matter what, not about getting rid of their disability in itself or putting themselves down because of the disabilities. This, to me, as a mentally and physically disabled viewer, is so important. They achieve their goal, but this doesn't in any way erase or undo the effects of their initial losses, they find ways to adapt and move on but they're still affected and still disabled. They always will be. That can be so important to see in comfort characters, and as a disabled individual who's had both brothers as comfort characters since I was a child, their impact on my own journey is surprisingly tangible for fiction.

#fmab #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #fma #edward elric #alphonse elric #elric brothers #character analysis #disability month #disability positivity #disabled #fma 20th anniversary

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safarigirlsp · 4 years ago

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People have the right to point out when a writer is going too far with a topic that is offensive and hurtful. They have the right to complain if something is triggering. You and other big blogs here try to police people about what they say and that’s more bullying than saying some fic is offensive to its author.

I took a while to reply because I toned my tenor down significantly in favor of largely saying my piece in gifs. Since it’s apparent that I’m dealing with some brand of immaturity to whom that should appeal.

Firstly, you’re right on one point. People do have the right to exercise free speech. People have the right to do all sorts of unsavory things. However, exercising that right in the form of anon turdliness makes you an asshole. Everyone has the right to say shitty things and hurl cowardly insults and critiques. Exercising that right in this context makes you a garbage human. To do so anonymously makes you a coward on top of it.

You say ‘when a writer is going too far with a topic that is offensive and hurtful.’

Number one- police yourself, you fucking child. If something will be offensive and hurtful, don’t read it. If that requires a level of foresight of which you are incapable, that is hardly the author’s problem.

Number two- ‘too far?’ Excuse you? Are you honestly so cloistered and narcissistic that you think your personal gauge of ‘too far’ should extend to any other person in existence? Do you honestly think that you have the right to impose your arbitrary values, tastes, and morals on anyone else? The next time you feel like hailing the moral high ground, please do without hiding behind anon while scouring the bowels of the internet for porn.

And ‘offensive and hurtful?’ To whom? Clearly, just to you, buddy. Again, what internal dysfunction would lead you to believe that your moral compass is the one that points true north?

You state that you ‘have a right to complain if something is triggering.’

Bullshit.

If something is not tagged correctly, it would be appropriate to mention that politely. However, even tags and warnings are not mandatory! They are a courtesy.

You have no right to complain about content and work product that you are consuming for free. Are you the sort of asshole who would go to dinner at someone else’s house and complain the steak is over cooked because you prefer rare?

Furthermore, the idea of complaining because something that you chose to interact with triggered you is beyond pathetic. That attitude and mindset is not going to serve you well in the real world. Try that bullshit in some real-world career setting and see how it flies. You’ll get a nice education about being triggered.

You then state that other big blogs and myself ‘try to police people about what they say.’

This is almost not worth responding to, other than to point out the laughable hypocrisy behind you accusing others of policing behavior two sentences after you accuse a writer of ‘going too far.’ Again, this entitled victim mentality will serve you well in life.

Bullying is trying to make someone else feel shitty for appropriately doing something they enjoy and minding their own business. Bullying is trying to shame people. Bullying is trying to force your opinions and values onto others. And it’s the mark of a coward to do so anonymously. Gee, who’s doing those things in this scenario?

What I’m curious about is why in the actual fuck you or anyone else feels the need to seek out a writer and go send them nasty shit? Whoever that writer may be or whatever their content may be!

Is it because you’re jealous of their talent and ability to create? That’s certainly how it seems.

You can always write your own stuff if you want something tailored to your whims. Put it out there into the ether. And deal with the bullshit yourself of randoms sending you their assholery.

You can also ignore content you don’t like and block people who piss you off. I know it’s a revolutionary concept, but you don’t have to engage with things you don’t enjoy.

Regardless, you should attempt to conduct yourself as a modicum of a responsible adult. The only person responsible at all for your emotions and reactions is you. It will be good practice for when you have to deal with humans in person instead of anonymously online.

#best #funny #movies #hearts #chairgate

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song-of-oots · 3 years ago

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Fuchsia Groan: my (un)exceptional fave

A while ago a friend of mine was asking for people to name their favourite examples of strong female characters, and my mind immediately leapt to Gormenghast’s Fuchsia Groan because it always does whenever the words “favourite” and “female character” come up in the same sentence. In fact scratch that, if I had to pick only one character to be my official favourite (female or otherwise) it would probably be Fuchsia. There are not sufficient words in the English language to accurately describe how much I love this character.

The issue was that I’m not sure Fuchsia Groan can accurately be described as “strong”, and until my friend asked the question, it hadn’t even occurred to me to analyse her in those terms…

Actually this isn’t completely true; Mervyn Peake does describe Fuchsia as strong in terms of her physical strength on multiple occasions. But in terms of her mental strength things are less clear cut. She’s certainly not a total pushover, and anyone would probably find it tough-going to cope with the neglect, tragedy and misuse she suffers through. In fact, this is something Mervyn Peake mentions himself – whilst also pointing out that Fuchsia is not the most resilient of people:

“There were many causes [to her depression], any one of which might have been alone sufficient to undermine the will of tougher natures than Fuchsia’s.”

Anyway, this has gotten me thinking about Fuchsia’s other traits and my reasons for loving her, going through a typical sort of list of reasons people often give for holding up a character as someone to admire:

So, is Fuchsia particularly talented?

No.

Is she clever, witty?

She’s definitely not completely stupid, and her insights occasionally take other characters by surprise, but she’s not really that smart either.

Does she have any significant achievements? Overcome great adversity?

Not really, no.

Is she kind?

Yes. Fuchsia is a very loving person and sometimes displays an incredible sensitivity and compassion for others. But… she can also be self-absorbed, highly strung, and does occasionally lash out at other people (especially in her younger years).

So why do I love Fuchsia so much?

Well, I’ll start be reiterating that I don’t really have the vocabulary to adequately put it into words, but I will try to get the gist across. So:

“What Fuchsia wanted from a picture was something unexpected. It was as though she enjoyed the artist telling her something quite fresh and new. Something she had never thought of before.”

This statement summarises not only Fuchsia but also the way I feel about her (and for that matter the Gormenghast novels in general). Fuchsia is something I’ve never really seen before. On the surface, she fits the model of the somewhat spoiled but neglected princess, and yet at the same time she cannot be so neatly pigeon-holed. It’s not just that her situation and the themes of the story make things more complex (though that is a factor); Fuchsia herself is so unique and vividly detailed that she manages to be more than her archetype. She feels like a real person and, like all real people, she is not so easy to label.

Fuchsia is also delightfully strange in a way that feels very authentic to her and the setting in general (which is particularly refreshing because it can all too often feel as though female characters are only allowed to be strange in a kooky, sexy way - yet Fuchsia defies this trend).

She’s a Lady, but she’s not ladylike. She’s messy. She slouches, mooches, stomps and stands in awkward positions. Her drawing technique is “vicious” and “uncompromising”. She chews grass. She removes her shoes “without untying the laces by treading on the heels and then working her foot loose”. She’s multi-faceted and psychologically complex. Intense and self-absorbed, sometimes irrational and ruled by her emotions more than is wise, but also capable of insight and good sense that takes others by surprise. She is extremely loving and affectionate, and yet so tragically lonely. Simultaneously very feminine and also not. Her character development from immature teenager to adult woman is both subtle and believable. She has integrity and decency – she doesn’t need to be super clever or articulate to know how to care for others or stand up for herself.

Fuchsia is honest. She knows her own flaws, but you never catch her trying to put on airs or make herself out to be anything other than what she is. She always expresses her feelings honestly.

She’s not sexualised at all. I don’t mean by this that she has no sexuality – though that’s something Peake only vaguely touches on – but I don’t really feel like I’m looking at a character who was written to pander to the male gaze (though her creator is male, I get the vibe he views her more as a beloved daughter than a sexual object).

Finally, I find her highly relatable. I am different to Fuchsia in many ways, but we do have several things in common that I have never seen so vividly expressed in any other character. This was incredibly important to me when I was a teenager struggling through the worst period of depression I ever experienced – because she was someone who I could relate to and love in a way I was incapable of loving myself. Her ability to be herself meant a lot to me as someone struggling with my own identity and sense of inadequacy. It didn’t cure my depression, but it helped me survive it.

What am I trying to say with all this?

I love Fuchsia on multiple levels. I love her as a person and also as a character and a remarkable piece of writing. I mention some of the mundane details Peake uses to flesh out her character firstly because I enjoy them, but also because it’s part of the point. Her story amazes me because it treats a female character and her psychological and emotional life with an intense amount of interest regardless of any special talents or achievements she happens to exhibit. She doesn’t fit the model of a modern heroine but neither does she need to – she’s still worth spending time with and caring about.* To me the most important things about Fuchsia are how different and interesting and relatable she is – and how real she feels.

* To be honest, this is part of the point of the Gormenghast novels in general. The story is meant to illustrate the damage that society – and in particular rigid social structures and customs – can do to individuals with its callous indifference to genuine human need. Fuchsia is one of many examples of this throughout the novels. These characters don’t need to be exceptionally heroic in order to matter – they just need to exist as believable people. And despite how strange they all are, they often do manage to be fundamentally relatable.

Why am I talking about female characters in particular here?

The focus on “strong” female characters and the critique against that is pretty widely acknowledged. Growing up, I definitely noticed the lack of female characters in popular media and the ensuing pressure this then places on the ones that do exist to be positive representations of womankind – someone girls can look up to. It’s very understandable that we want to see more examples of admirable female protagonists, given that women were traditionally left to play support roles and tired stereotypes. The problem is that the appetite for more proactive female heroines can sometimes lead to characters who are role models first and realistic human beings second (characters who I mentally refer to as Tick-All-The-Boxes Heroines). It’s not a problem with “strong” proactive heroines per se, but rather lack of variation and genuine psychological depth (not to mention a sometimes too-narrow concept of what it even means to be strong).

Male characters tend not to have this particular problem because they are much better represented across the whole range of roles within a story. You get your fair share of boring worn out archetypes. You get characters who are meant to represent a positive version of heroic masculinity (and now that I come to think of it, having a very narrow and unvarying presentation of what positive masculinity looks like is its own separate problem, but outside the scope of this particular ramble). We don’t usually spend time obsessing over whether a piece of fiction has enough examples of “strong” male characters though, because we’re generally so used to seeing it that we automatically move on into analysing the work and the characters on other terms. And because there are often more male characters than female, they don’t all bear the burden of having to be a positive representative of all men everywhere. They exist to fulfill their roles, and often exhibit more variety, nuance and psychological depth. They are also often allowed to be weird, flawed and unattractive in ways that women usually aren’t (which is a damn shame because I’ve spent my whole life feeling like a weird outsider and yet this perspective is so often told primarily through a male lens).

Tl:dr; Fuchsia Groan is a character who feels like an answer to so many of those frustrations that I felt growing up without even truly understanding why. A large part of why I love her is simply because of how much I relate to her on a personal level. I admire her emotional honesty and her loving nature… But there’s also a part of me that was just so relieved to find a female character who exists outside of the usual formulae we seem to cram women into. She is unique, weird and wonderful (but non-sexualised). Psychologically nuanced and vividly written. She isn’t exceptionally heroic or talented or a high achiever – but she does feel like a real person.

Female characters don’t need to tick all the right boxes in order to be interesting or worth our time any more than the male ones do.

#fuchsia groan #gormenghast #mervyn peake #female characters #mental health #depression #long

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darkbitchithic · 4 years ago

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Okay here is my hot take on Mori in OHSHC: He was absolutely perfect for Haruhi and they would have been one of the absolute best end-games possible in the series

So, let me explain by looking at each host in relation to Haruhi

Tamaki saw her as his pet project- someone to work on and take care of. That’s fine for a friend dynamic, but for a relationship that is way too weighted! Tamaki was condescending and infantalizing, and Haruhi (who spent so much of her life taking care of people and being independent) doesn’t deserve a relationship that forces her to take care of or cater to her partner. It’s a weird codependent dynamic that could very easily turn sour, and even in his best moments Tamaki failed to see Haruhi as a full, multi dimensional person with flaws, agency, etc. instead, his idea of her is one built on assumptions and stereotypes that we constantly see Haruhi being hurt by. He has his own personal depths, true, but they are fleeting and often manipulative in their own way.

Kyoya has much the same issue as Tamaki here in that he is almost incapable of viewing Haruhi as a full person. He looks at her as a string of data and although he does care for Haruhi in his own way by the end of the series, I think he is much to cold of a person to be able to make her happy. Haruhi is a relatively emotional person, and a relationship where she would have to push for reactions from her partner doesn’t feel like it would be productive. Given the gap in maturity, it is also very possible to create a manipulative dynamic wherein Haruhi has little to no control in the relationship. I do think Haruhi would eventually be able to read Kyoya, but I still don’t think it would be a productive relationship given the power inequality. Plus, such a union would put Kyoya at a severe disadvantage in his family and I can’t see him at ease with this.

Hikaru is simply too manipulative and immature for Haruhi. Much in the same way as Tamaki, he holds this false representation of Haruhi in his mind and throughout the show we see just how dependent he (and his brother) become on Haruhi. A relationship built on this imbalanced dynamic can’t be productive for either party, and if Haruhi is constantly having to cater to her jealous and immature partner I can’t see her feeling able to explore her own agency and independence. It would be a toxic relationship and I personally don’t think that Hikaru is in an emotionally mature enough position to be in a healthy relationship, let alone with Haruhi.

Kaoru comes the closest to viewing Haruhi as a full person, but this is mitigated by his emotional dependence on his brother and on her. Kaoru relies on her too heavily, much in the same way that his brother does and, to a similar extent, how Tamaki does. This being the case, he can only hold this gilded version of Haruhi in his head. He has moments in the show where he is able to break these self-erected expectations, but overall he just can’t fully break from them. I think, given time post-canon, he would be able to as he matures, but it would definitely be a process (and would likely drive a wedge between him and his brother, something I can’t see him enjoying).

I personally feel that, even though Honey is technically older than Haruhi, it is uncomfortable to ship her with him because of his childlike nature and demeanor, so I won’t be delving into that

And that leaves us with Mori. Of all of the hosts, Mori is the one whose personality meshes the best with Haruhi and he is the one who has the clearest idea of her as a person. Mori is someone whose own silence compliments Haruhi’s dry humor and demeanor. His stoic nature is one that, although a bit cold at times, places him at the most equal footing to her of any of the hosts. He doesn’t rely on her or derive any quantifiable gain from knowing her - he is his own autonomous person and is, in this way, her equal. There is no power imbalance here, and his independence places him at the most complimentary position to Haruhi’s own independent tendencies. He isn’t someone who will get annoyed with her for wanting to be her own person, because he is his own person too. Of all the relationships, this feels the least codependent and is the one that would most likely be built on mutual respect and comfort, the way a good relationship should be. He won’t annoy or bother her, and she won’t be bothered by him. Theirs would be a comfortable relationship, and this is easily seen in many if the scenes where Mori and Haruhi interact alone. It is always such a comfortable conversation- one that doesn’t cause either stress or force them to put up an act like most of Haruhi’s interractions with other hosts do. Haruhi is able to be at ease and truly fee comfortable, knowing that Mori truly sees her as someone on his level. Tamaki Kaoru and Hikaru all rely on Haruhi in ine way or another, prizing a version of her that they need to help them and be there for them, but Mori needs no such construct. He is the closest to her on in maturity and he IS capable of compassion, seen in his protection of Honey and his behavior towards Kasanoda. Mori and Haruhi would be the type of couple that orbit eachother in a comfortable and mature relationship, both able to live happily for the rest of their lives.

I am forever disappointed that canon chose the Tamaki-centric route when I feel like a much better and realistic relationship would have been between Mori and Haruhi, but that’s what fanon is for huh 😅

#it would just be kinda poggers!#ohshc mori #ohshc kyoya #ohshc #Ouron high school host club #haruhi fujioka #opinions with tib #anime opinions #long post #ohshc theory #ohshc honey #ohshc hikaru #ohshc series

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sweetcresta · 3 years ago

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I've been following your conversations about Ian in 11x09 and couldn't help to share my thoughts about this as well. Please feel free to ignore me if you've had enough of this topic. :)

Personally I didn't feel so bad about Ian's behavior in this episode, though it certainly would have been nicer if he had been kinder and more understanding from the beginning. For me it felt like Ian needed to go through a mini-arc in which he learns that sometimes he needs to put his personal feelings aside in order to be there for Mickey. In other relationships, Ian tends to be the one who constantly does this (to the extent that he sometimes forgets himself), but he is not very good at this when it comes to Mickey. This is mostly a good thing, as it is not very healthy if one party in a relationship feels that they are not allowed to experience and express their feelings properly. However, Ian's incapability to put his feelings aside with Mickey sometimes hinders him from being a supportive partner to Mickey.

In 11x09, I think that the feeling in question is Ian's absolute HATRED towards Terry. Terry has hurt him, Mickey and Mandy in countless ways over the years. Terry is the influence in Mickey's life that has often kept them apart (internalized homophobia, Mickey's criminal tendencies etc). Moreover, 3x06 probably played a key role in triggering Ian's bipolar disorder; it is unlikely that he could have completely avoided it, but the onset happened to him at a relatively young age.

As such, there is probably no person Ian has hated so much as he hates Terry, and consequently he does not understand Mickey's reactions to his death (and to be fair, Mickey himself doesn't understand them, as understandable as they are). In Ian's mind, such a hateful person does not deserve an inch of Mickey's grief and he is probably a bit pissed off with Mickey for grieving such a monster, in addition to his feelings of hatred towards Terry. But what Ian needs to learn is that whether he likes it or not, and whether Terry deserves it or not, Mickey IS grieving and Ian needs to put his feelings about Terry aside in order to be a supportive partner. I think he gets there, eventually, after all those insensitive comments. Ian can be, and has been, rather immature in an emotional level when it comes to Mickey (always prioritizing his own feelings and not taking time to properly examine what Mickey might feel), but hopefully 11x09 helped him to open his eyes to this and he gets to be a better partner to Mickey.

i actually think this is a really good analysis of another prospective.

in my original post i acknowledged that it may not be OOC for ian to act so disconnected from it because we’ve seen that he’s detached himself from monica and frank for a long time. it just does not align with how i see ian, ya know?

i see ian as a very understanding, compassionate person, who has had his selfish moments. i see him as someone who was the only one to grieve monica when she passed. i think those two things are what make it hard for he to believe he could he so cold toward mickey when terry passes.

but it’s conflicting because i also do believe what you’re say, that ian doesn’t believe terry deserves any of mickey’s grievances... and that ian, at times, has been more concerned with his feelings on something than mickey’s feelings/reasons. i just think if that were the case in the writers eyes the show could have written it/played it waaaaay better. i think if ian actually said something like “hey, your dad doesn’t deserve your tears,” that would have been a million times better.

i also hope too that after the finale scene ian continues with his compassion and sees it for the complicated thing it is.

thanks for analysis! i enjoyed reading it.

#ask #people are gonna come across my blog and think i’m crazy for taking this in depth about two fictional characters 🤣#THEYRE REAL TO ME

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zuzuslastbraincell · 4 years ago

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☕ Aang.

He's a character I don't see you talk about much, so I'm curious about you thoughts on him, his character arc, what you like or dislike about him, etc.

The short answer: Love Aang. He’s great! Feel like a lot of the dislike of his character (while fading, at least in the circles I’m in) is misplaced. People who think Aang didn’t make the right end game decisions don’t understand his character / miss the point, IMO. That said, dislike some of the character decisions especially r.e. Katara/Aang.

The longer answer: I really love Aang and I feel like the hate he receives from various parts of the fandom is very unwarranted, though I wonder if it stems from watching the show as a child his age and finding his playfulness unrelatable - like as a kid I might have found it exasperating but as an adult I find it very refreshing and it is so obvious to me that Aang is A Child, it informs how he behaves and his decisions massively, and I wonder if the dislike comes from the lack of perspective and being unable to view Aang as a kid, being kids themselves when these haters watched the show?

That said, all kinds of people do dismiss Aang as immature and it frustrates me to no end, because being cynical =/= maturity, a willingness to make difficult decisions that betray deeply held beliefs =/= maturity, and Aang’s decision to stick to his beliefs should always be viewed in tandem with the context that he is a victim of genocide, that genocide includes the destruction of a culture’s common beliefs and practices too, and whether those beliefs live or die in the future starts and ends with him.

Additionally, I feel like Aang does possess a lot of emotional maturity for his age, even if he has bouts of being immature (like, normal, honestly). Like he processes his anger in a way that is largely healthy, actually? I think that’s a thing most people don’t understand, they don’t see that as part of Aang, when really Aang processes his emotions like someone who’s had very clear healthy models for it. He does feel anger, and grief. When Aang tells Katara in the southern raiders episode vengeance isn’t the way, that’s something that he’s fought hard internally to believe in, that’s something that he’s learned.

Tying into that, I think an overlooked aspect of Aang’s development is how in season 1 Aang spent a lot of time looking for Fire Nation citizens who were good / who could be good, because the idea that the Fire Nation is fundamentally evil contradicts his world view (”the monks taught us all life was sacred”), but I think that was probably a perspective he clung onto as well as a way of dealing with his grief. Like, I feel like Aang has fought hard to reaffirm his beliefs in a world that seems determined to “prove him wrong”, surrounded with characters who largely don’t share or understand them & see it as naivety because they lack perspective and have only known war / understand the brutality of the opponent they’re facing on a personal level. I think we don’t see a lot of this explicitly, it’s largely subtext and often an internal debate -- Aang doesn’t have many people to soundboard these kind of thoughts off, there’s no one who is an air nomad or of a similar kind of upbringing around.

Tbh I feel that Aang is best in season 1, largely because his developments in later seasons also incorporate his feelings about Katara as part of his general development, and if I’m just completely honest with you all, I mean no disrespect to Katara/Aang folks you’re cool in my books but I’m just not sold by it at all. For example, because Aang’s journey mastering the avatar state involves him reckoning with his earthly attachments and the idea of letting go, and that conflict revolves around his feelings for Katara, and because I am not particularly sold by Aang and Katara, that impacts on how I view that whole arc. I love a good friends to lovers arc where the depth of those feelings extends to both friendship and romance but I feel like the way ATLA writes romantic arcs often involves a character suddenly looking at another with heart eyes and very little actual bonding to justify that sudden change, very few *journeys* or *arcs* that culminate in feelings (unrelated, but this is my theory as to why Zuko is shipped with almost everyone, because he literally has several life-changing journeys with other characters at the tail end of S3), and it’s fairly unconvincing / pretty flat to me? Especially since we do not get anywhere near as much an insight into Katara’s feelings in that regard? I get that romance isn’t always a grand arc or whatever but given that it’s tied to a lot of Aang’s S2 development, I think it ought to have more prominence.

If I’m honest, I also feel like Aang’s development regarding Katara and the Avatar State was incomplete, and that made a lot of his S3 development frustrating because in other aspects I think he came into his own and matured - usually in subtle ways, like his attitude in the Southern Raiders, but also we see him from being understandably upset about having to hide his identity, to incorporate aspects of Fire Nation dress into his final late S3 look - but in that aspect, his arc felt incomplete to me? This might be a poor reading of it, but to expand on how I see it, in S2, Aang is incapable of letting go of Katara until literally the most critical moment, when he has to -- at which point, he is struck down by chance. In S3, the concept of entering into the Avatar State being a matter of difficulty is literally not mentioned, so we can presume he’s come to terms with letting go of Katara - which directly contradicts the pushy behaviour he shows in Ember Island Players, the way he ignores her boundaries? And then that’s literally never addressed, Aang never apologises, Katara and Aang never have an important conversation resolving the conflict there, and in the end Aang gets the girl? It’s frustrating.

Like, the way I see it, “letting go” of Katara shouldn’t mean putting no importance on her - I actually like the idea of Aang not being willing to leave his friends behind, his compassion and care is important in this aspect. Rather, if I were in the writer’s chair, I would have it that “letting go” means a willingness to face rejection. Aang lets go of a romantic prospect of Katara - and acknowledges she can and might reject him, and that’s always a possibility, but opens his heart to her anyway out of trust (and when they get together, it’s not because he’s proven himself worthy, but because Katara wants to be with him). I think that would have been such a monumentally *powerful* message, especially in a late 00s cartoon, prior to the likes of Adventure Time and Gravity Falls quite explicitly deconstructing the idea of the male protagonist always getting with their crush (I feel like a vital context new viewers miss r.e. Katara/Aang is that the male protagonist would always always get with the girl in cartoons, it always happened, to the extent that female characters existed as much as love interests as characters in their own rights). I honestly don’t think it would even require that much in terms of change! I might show that in S3 Aang still has difficulty with the Avatar state at times - he can go into it at will, but not always - and that’s because he’s in the process of letting Katara as a crush go. I’d still keep the kiss in Day of Black Sun - tbh, I have no issues there, he thought he’d never see her again quite possibly, he’s impulsive, it makes sense - but I’d maybe highlight a slight awkwardness afterwards. I might even keep the awful Ember Island Players conflict - but crucially, I think Aang would have to learn from this. I think when Aang might realise he’s still struggling with the Avatar state as late as Sozin’s Comet episode 1, panic, realise he needs to internalise that belief more, and I think he’d leave Katara a note - including an apology for his actions before, for pushing her when she wasn’t ready, but explaining also, that he needs to go on a journey by himself to figure this out. Rest of Sozin’s comet goes ahead as normal, more or less. I’d end with Katara, maybe at the tea shop afterwards, talking to Aang and asking him why he went off by himself, explaining that she & the gaang would be there for him, he didn’t have to go on a journey alone. Aang would explain that he didn’t expect they’d understand, they’re not monks, and Katara explaining that maybe they wouldn’t, but he could *try*, that’s a risk you sometimes take (but concedes they could have been more understanding). And I think over that conversation it hits Aang it’s not about being alone. Everything’s connected. It’s about not clinging on. it’s about being willing to lose. It’s about trust. I think by the end, they agree to try and communicate better, and Aang then asks Katara out - mirroring “Do you want to go penguin sledding with me?”, similar kind of activity. He almost tries to over-explain and say ‘listen it doesn’t have to go anywhere’ but Katara just smiles and says yeah. And they leave to go on their first real date.

Anyway that’s how I *would* have handled it and that is what I think could be an interesting and compelling arc that wouldn’t take much adjustment to add. Aang is afraid of losing Katara, and realising that he can and might lose her is important.

.... that’s way more than I intended to write but yeah. I feel like a lot of Aang’s development ties in with his feelings for Katara and that’s where I take issue.

#aang #soozenwrites

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azure-steel · 4 years ago

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@mercyxkilling said: mercy drew in a breath, steeling herself for the impending confrontation that awaited her once she crossed that threshold. she’d gotten into a fairly heated argument with cloud while they were on their last assignment and she probably... no, she KNEW she could have handled it better. but being emotionally inarticulate rendered her incapable of having a constructive conversation as opposed to a screaming match.

but she needed to repair this. they couldn’t continue to work together if things felt so off. so with that she stepped into the mess hall and sashayed across the room to his table, but before she spoke the woman turned to give a few of the crew sitting nearby a sharp look as she cleared her throat. they needed no more than that, recognizing this as a signal to get the fuck outta dodge.

once they were gone she seated herself not in a nearby chair but on the table. mercy maintained a bit of distance between them, but made sure they were still close enough that he’d be able to read her expressions and know that she was coming from someplace genuine.

“i know that you’re prob’ly still mad at me, but i hope you’ll still give me a chance to explain myself.” but then she was quiet for a long time after that opener, and she turned away so she could avoid his gaze. “i’m really bad at this. but i’m gonna give it my best shot. so just... listen.” reaching up she ran her slender fingers through her hair as she searched for the right words, looking nothing like her usual confident self. “i yelled at you. and i’m sorry i did. i shouldn’t have, and i acknowledge that. i was wrong. don’t tell anyone that, though. i have a reputation around here.”

mercy was trying add a bit of levity to the situation. she’d never been good at handling anything too heavy. and admitting to being wrong or talking about something like this was uncomfortable probably not only for her, but for cloud as well. but she had to do this.

“i just need you to know that... i’m not mad that things didn’t go as planned or that the deal fell through. there’ll be others and it’s not like we’re hurting for money. i was mad because... i saw you out there, and you were just... i don’t know, my man, it was like you just were holding back or you gave up or you didn’t care. i don’t know what’s going on, and you don’t have to tell me anything unless you want me to know. that part is fine. what isn’t okay is watching you convince yourself that you can’t do something or that you aren’t capable or whatever. i can’t say for sure but i know there’s something going on up there.”

she lifted her gaze to look at him and pressed a finger to her temple to emphasize her point before going on. she was speaking pretty fast, clearly trying to push through everything because she has no idea what she was doing.

“i just. i would never, ever ask you to do something that i wasn’t fully confident that you were capable of handling it. and not only handling it, but fucking crushing it. i would never set you up to fail because, despite what it might seem like, i actually care how you feel and want what’s best for you. you’re part of the crew now. i’m here to support and protect you. so you need to know that no matter what you think of me or what you have in your head holding you back... you’re absolutely better than what you think. you need to give yourself more credit. so the next time you and i go out, promise me you’ll do better. because you absolutely can and you absolutely will, because you’re capable of handling anything i ask of you and more.”

and then she heaves a sigh, as if that was the signal that this whole awkward experience was finally over. mercy then stood up straight again and motioned over her shoulder.

“yeah, so. this was real weird so i’ll be in my cabin so i can spend the next foreseeable future stressing about what i said. let me know if you need me okay? my door is always open.”

before she left, though, she made it a point to rest a hand, gentle and light, upon his shoulder, lingering for a moment to offer him an uncertain kind of smile. at least, though, it was genuine. and with that she disappeared into the corridor so she could retreat to her room. Unprompted Ask - ALWAYS ACCEPTING

He’s had a face like a slapped backside since the unfortunate spat. Cloud was no stranger to confrontation, hell, sometimes he even thrived on it given the right circumstances and on occasion the wrong circumstances. What he didn’t enjoy was being chewed out in front of colleagues for a mistake he’d made in the field. Cloud knew he’d fucked up, fucked up majorly and with consequences which affected the entire crew, but there was something about Mercy’s humiliation tactics which didn’t sit well with him.

In fact it settled in his guts like a stone. Though he guesses all of this isn’t aided by the fact that his failing was down to something so very deep rooted and difficult to shake; a very simple lack of self-confidence, despite the cocksure demeanour he enjoyed fronting. Though he worked well under pressure there were instances - just like this one - where everything just went blank.

Still, if she was going to scream at him the way she had done, he would have much preferred it been away from the many ears who had been unfortunate enough to witness it. Though he guessed a bullet to the back of the head would hurt far less than how she’d bruised his ego just now even if he was already dragging it behind him after that sorry show he put on today. Still, this hadn’t stopped him yelling back, cussing her out and ultimately throwing his hands in the air and stalking off. He’d been advised by a couple of the guys that perhaps retaliating wasn’t the best course of action, though they were swiftly met with a steely gaze and a sour expression, deeming Cloud practically off limits to anyone else for the remainder of that day.

He was used to being on his own anyway, he liked it this way, right? With any luck they’ll just drop him off on the nearest moon and leave him there. Wouldn’t be the first time.

That was until the very source of his foul mood appeared within the archway of the mess, and she was making right for him. Needless to say that Cloud didn’t feel ready for another throat slitting, though rather than physically remove himself from the situation he chooses to remain seated (with his feet crossed upon the table of course in his act of immature defiance) and offer the woman a disdainful glare.

It seemed however, a verbal lashing wasn’t what she had in mind, and it showed mostly through her offset expression as well as the casual way she settled herself upon the table, though this was after she’d shot her men a glare of her own to disperse them from the hall, and Cloud was certain one of them had offered his ‘Sorry, man, you’re on your own’ face as he upped and left. He didn’t motion to shift his feet to make way for her though, Cloud was nothing at all if not utterly childish when it came to matters of discipline and it was rather apparent that he held issue with authority; and if Mercy had learned anything today it was the fact that Strife did not like being proven wrong.

So the sullen expression remained even as that irritation towards the woman who pulled him up on his failings began to turn inward, even when his gaze had sunk so low beneath the weight of that knowledge - that he was a liability, and it wasn’t until now that he realises there’s no worse feeling than knowing you are the weakest link in the chain. And yet there was something good to be taken from all of this, Cloud knew, because she wasn’t casting him aside but offering a chance to better himself, a chance to prove her right, not wrong.

When was the last time anyone had this much faith in him? When was the last time he’d been offered this level of compassion? Cloud couldn’t quite remember, and it only made this whole situation sting that little bit more.

He remains silent throughout her spiel, arms folded defensively, legs still supported on that table in the guise of a barrier between them and allowing the shame of what happened that day to filter into his face. And he had no grounds to argue or defend his corner, because he knew, deep down in his heart of hearts, that everything Mercy said... was right, not that this knowledge made it any easier to hear. Cloud reacts only to that hand on his shoulder, gifting the contact only the slight lilt of his head and a glance out of the corner of his eye. The woman vanishes out of sight then, leaving him to lament on the events, how he could have performed better, how he could have done things so differently... how he’d actually deserved to have his hide tanned for such a blatant blunder on his part.

And Mercy had enough about her to apologise for her outburst when she really didn’t need to... surely that said far more about him than it truly did about her.

Cloud isn’t entirely sure how long he sits there, feeling sorry for himself and just wondering for the life of him how to let it go and move on. Maybe it was his turn to clear the air instead of sitting back and doing nothing like usual. Upon exiting the mess hall, he’s actually surprised that he catches her only moments away from vanishing into her cabin; the urge to bail was strong and his legs threatened to turn him right around and retreat back the way his came, though it seemed his mouth was working faster than his basic impulses.

“Mercy... wait...” he calls, though not without the hue of uncertainty hanging in his tone and he stands there for a moment just staring back at her, to gain his bearings and muster the courage he needs to just close that insufferable distance.

“I don’t want you going in there regretting you spoke to me. ‘Cos this ain’t about you and your management style, yeah? It’s about me and my inability to just... let go.” There’s a crease to his brow, uncertain, defensive and he swallows audibly in a frail attempt to gather himself and simply offer an explanation.

“I don’t wanna make excuses, but... there’s a lot about me you don’t know, and I ain’t sure I’m ready for you to hear it. Not yet. But, I’ve never been a part of anything before, not really. Always on the outside looking in, no handles of control, just... freefalling and hoping for the best. Always just... the rat. Disposable, easily replaced, only good for making up numbers, you know?” Cloud’s unable to maintain eye contact with her, and not for the want of trying, and with a brisk hand through his hair does he puff out an exasperated sigh, frustrated with himself it seemed before delivering a non-committal shrug.

“You give me a chance that I never thanked you for, and then I do so by screwing up. And I deserved everything I got thereon after, I did. You ain’t telling me shit that I don’t need to hear, or even shit I don’t already know. Usually they don’t bother at all and I go on floundering to the next problem until I fuck up again.” He’s rambling, he realises, and he rubs the back of his head somewhat bashfully, uttering a chuckle through his nose, a low and deeply unhappy sound.

“I let you down. I let you all down and I take full responsibility for that, I’ll own it because it’s mine. I promise it won’t happen again, I’ll do better in future, yeah? Just... thanks, for not giving up on me. Enjoy your evening, Mercy.” Cloud leaves it there with a single respectful nod before he’s turning on his heel and making his way back down the hall, just eager for a scalding hot shower to wash away the unpleasantness that was today.

#mercyxkilling #{what do you want? - asks}#{This feeling's so volatile it must be love - Cloud x Mercy}#Honestly #they need more moments like this #just...#talking #So wholesome and cathartic #;o;#long post

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sir-adamus · 5 years ago

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Pink diamond/Rose is horrible person but I truly applaud the crew behind the show for portraying such a morally grey imperfect character. My heart broke hearing what she did to Spinel and countless others. She was written very well, they weren't afraid to make Steven's mom who was seemingly perfect, into such a flawed character.

yeah Pink/Rose is very much someone who is well-intentioned but lacking a lot of empathy (not a problem in and of itself but definitely caused issues with how she chose to approach things), seemingly incapable of actually dealing with the consequences of her often thoughtless actions and choosing instead to avoid and ignore them (forcing Pearl to keep quiet about things she needed to talk about, poofing Bismuth and just leaving her in an extradimensional space with a bunch of her other junk she didn’t want anymore instead of talking to her and reasoning things out long after it stopped mattering), and in general was just a severely emotionally immature child desperate to be treated like a grownup (she was basically Steven circa season 1 - you know, when he was an annoying tag-along - but never really developed past that, no matter how much she pretended) - like its not entirely her fault, her fucked up family and their general lack of communication didn’t do her any favours (and while that led her to believe the other Diamonds didn’t really care about her, the fact that she never seemed to consider their reaction to her supposed shattering to be proof against that doesn’t really speak well for how considerate she is of the feelings of others)

Steven, having grown up in a much healthier family unit and getting the character development and emotional maturity to differentiate between genuine empathy and Pink/Rose’s condescending compassion, was able to make the Diamonds confront their issues and put the ball in their court on whether they wanted to change for the better, instead of leaving it at this eternal back-and-forth where they continue to spiral into worse and worse patterns because they couldn’t acknowledge their own issues

pretty much the only thing Rose did that wasn’t a well-intentioned but misinformed/misguided mistake was putting her faith in Steven, because that was something that did come out of genuine love

#SU #Anonymous

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stygian-omadas-epic-chronicles · 6 years ago

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My thoughts on STYGIAN by Sherrilyn Kenyon (Book review)

The new installment in the Dark-Hunters series doesn't disappoint. It has everything I love about these novels: heartache, humor, great battles, and heartfelt down-to-the-earth moments. And, of course, a great love.

I know that I sound like a broken record in my SK's book reviews but she always surprises me with her books and I love that. Stygian has its good share of surprises. Although, I admit that the plot twists aren't as mind-blowing as they had been in some of the earlier books. The story both takes you to the deepest pit of angst and makes you roar with laughter until your belly hurts.

Also, it shows the Apollite/Daimon world like we've never seen before. We see how the betrayal that meant Apollo's curse to his own people warped the Apollite mindset, specially Stryker's. To tell the truth, I stopped hating Daimons a long time ago. Don't get me wrong, I don't like them killing and stealing human souls but I get why they do it. Being in their shoes, I don't know if I'd do the same.

And now, I get them even more.

One of the things that I like the most of the book is that it fills some of the gaps left by the previous books and has amazing cameos of the characters we know, like seeing Wulf in passing before he became a DH.

Stygian is a fine example of Sherri's great talent and exceptional imagination. Once more, she takes us to this amazing world she has created during all these years and let us live in it for a while.

Not wanting to spoil anyone who hasn't read the book yet, I'm spilling all the juicy details below the cut. It's really long and full of explicit spoilers so read at your own risk.

If you're still with me, let's dig in. I have so much to tell you.

URIAN

*sighs dreamingly* Urian... Uri... my Urimou. This adorable man, gosh, you have to love him. Since birth, he's the cutest thing ever (well, being the biological son of who he is, I don't know why it surprises me. I guess that being raised by Stryker I thought he wouldn't be THAT cute but he's even more adorable). Anyway... what I was saying? Oh, yes, I died of cuteness overload with him.

He’s so passionate, so loving, loyal. He’s willing to do anything for those who he loves

His childhood wasn't easy. At all. Between the raw and devastating sense of treachery because of the curse that Apollite race had (and still has, rightly so) and Urian's own (inexplicable at the time) sense of not-belonging had a great impact on him. As it did the blatant discrimination of everyone toward him. Seriously, they had not even an ounce of compassion to feed him?!! Bastards all!!

It didn't help either the tough love he got from his family, especially his brothers, which more often than not were a bunch of assholes (pardon the language but that’s what they were) with him like the rest of the people. However, there's something that can't be denied. Despite that brotherly animosity, Urian was a loved child. By his brothers and sister, by his surrogate mom and Stryker. They LOVED him and they had his back, no matter what. That makes me happy.

All that made him the amazing person that he is.

URIAN'S LOVE LIFE

It breaks my heart that because nobody would feed him, Urian fell into the claws of Xanthia. Marrying her out of necessity is so heart-breaking. My poor Urimou. He wasn't in love with her but he respected her as his wife and the ungrateful cow cheated on him!!! And no less than with his brother-in-law! How dared she?! The only good thing that was worthy in that marriage was the children. Gosh, reading how much Uri loved those kids and they loved him was so great.

Then, it came along Bethsheba, who was like a few steps up in the healthy relationship ladder but not nearly high enough. He wasn't in love with her either and she was a rebound. She cared about him but treated him as a trophy husband. She reminded me of Sera (Max's dragonswan) when the dragons first got married. Well, it makes sense. Both Sheba and Seraphina were Amazons and in their culture men were inferior.

It broke my heart the guilt Uri felt when Sheba was killed (without mentioning how awful her death was). He cares so much about everyone in his life and all he wants is protect them. Watching them die and incapable of doing anything to stop it literally destroys him bit by bit.

It doesn't surprise me that after such bad experiences with marriages he took so long for getting married again.

Centuries pass until he meets Pheobe at last. For what we knew from previous books, we all thought she was the love of his life, and yes he loved her very much but that relationship was condemned to failure from the beginning and not just for the obvious my-father-wants-you-and-your-entire-family-dead thing.

If there's something (I think it's the only thing Phoebe is right in reproaching him at the end) is that he withheld things from her since the beginning. True, he told her that he was Stryker's son and all but he didn't tell her that he had killed her grandparents, which he should have.

And just like his 2 previous marriages, this one was likewise for necessity. This time it wasn't Urian the needy part but Phoebe. She needed him for feeding and sharing the souls because she wouldn't kill a human for them. Also, she needed him for both her own and her family's protection. Maybe, she didn't mean to but put him in a tough situation. He was split between protecting her and being his dad's second-in-command.

Urian also has a responsibility in this. He chose to lie to his dad. Granted, Stryker isn’t the most understanding person but as we learn later, Stryker might’ve supported him. Crazy, I know.

And there's another thing. I never thought Phoebe would be as petty as she was. So whiny. I agree with Stryker when he says she was immature and insipid. I think her lowest point was getting mad because Cass wanted Wulff with her when they get to Elysia. As if the case was reversed she would've done the same thing with Uri. I know she was worried about him, rightly so, but I don't know... her attitude was spiteful. It riled me up.

I guess going trelos was helping her mood, to be honest.

And her hissy fits at the end and working with Apollo!!! Yeah, nope. I don't like Phoebe anymore.

On the other hand, I love Sarraxyn. I think she's perfect for Uri. I've been thinking that since she first appeared and paired her with Urimou without knowing she was truly his HEA. I don't know how I got that idea but it was back when I was reading Dragonbane or Dragonmark, I'm not sure. That's why the revealing of Phoebe being alive threw me off so bad at the end of Dragonsworn. It's been a year of wondering who Urian's true love was (In fact, I mentioned in this review). I love that Sherri chose Xyn. I'm over the moon because of that.

I love that Xyn wasn't willing to settle for less than what she deserved. She knew that as long Urian needed other women to feed and kill humans for their souls, their relationship wouldn't work. It didn't have to do with the love they felt for each other but their circumstances. I think they handled it the best possible having only a yearly rendezvous instead of forcing things, which would have destroyed them both.

Besides, if they had stayed together, Urian wouldn't have met Phoebe, Stryker wouldn't have cut his throat, and neither Ash would have saved him and turned him into a no-daimon.

I can't wait to see more of Xyn and Uri in the coming books.

APOLLYMI

One of the most delightful things about this book is how much we see of her. As I've repeated a gazillion times already, I love Polly and, honestly, now I love her even more. The whole grandma/grandson thing going on between her and Urian is simply amazing. Because that's what she is to him. Twice his grandmother, actually. First, because of Stryker, right. But also because of Styxx. She officially adopted him too and we know thanks to the Chronicles of Nick that Styxx will eventually call her Matera. He's not there yet but he will.

My goodness, she loves Urian so much. We get to see her most kind side with him, especially when he was really young. I just adored the scene when she invites him to see the sunrise in the pool in her garden.

Of course, she wouldn't be her if she didn't have a plan to use him eventually but wow, you better not harm Uri or you'll feel her wrath.

I laughed so hard when Apollymi appeared almost at the end when Uri was seeking Phoebe and she says that if it wasn't because the lot of them were there because of Urian she would have split them into oblivion.

That's who she is. She protects fiercely those who she loves.

STRYKER

Okay, I officially nominate this man for the best dad in history award. Even if he cut Urian's throat. Don't care. Since I read Silent Night, I knew he had a heart but damn! Not like this!

I have to thank Apollymi for choosing him as Urian's surrogate dad because I don't think there's anyone else who could have done a better job. Well, except for Styxx, of course.

When Stryker says that Urian is his pride and joy is because he truly is. The fact that he didn't kill Phoebe and kept her alive all these years because he couldn't harm what his son loved is astonishing. As it is that he cut his son's throat not out of anger as he made everyone believe but out of pain, in a foolish and reckless desire to protect both Urian and himself from further heartache. Like he said, he cut his throat but couldn't kill his son.

I'm so glad that he and Urian are in so much better terms now. That fills my heart with joy because, despite everything that has happened, Urian loves Stryker as much as Stryker loves Urian.

CRAZY FAMILY

If we thought only Urian's adoptive Apollite/Daimon family was psychotic and crazy, well, his blood family isn't too far behind. Oh, my goodness! I laughed so, but SO hard the scene when Ash comes back after sending Uri to Kalosis and Styxx is waiting for him. That was hilarious. Seriously, I just remember about it and I start laughing out loud.

I think Acheron needs to start thinking before acting, especially when his family concerns. I mean Styxx and Beth overprotection gets overboard but if there's anyone who could understand where that comes from is Ash. And if the situation was the opposite and Styxx would've sent Katra to some hellish place without telling his brother, Ash's angry fit would have been even worse.

Too funny is seeing Beth in Mama bear mode. So it is Styxx trying to calm her down before she attacks Stryker and then Apollymi.

The moment with those 2 that melt my heart was when Stryker shared his memory of Urian as a child and Styxx declared that from now on they're brothers. See! That's why I adore Styxx, my baby!

Now, they all are a crazy, amazing and big family.

OTHER FAMILY MATTERS

Seeing Urian's point of view as he got to know Styx was amazing (and made me cry all over again because, you know, it's Styxx and all the feels). In conclusion, Urian is me when it comes to defending his best friend/dad. My favorite scene on Styxx is when Urian bitchslapped Ash for how he treats his twin brother and, in this book, it got better with the new details. I won't get tired of reading that. Ever.

A note on Urian having children:

Let's be honest. Urian asking Apollymi to make him infertile didn't work as he planned. I mean, I understand his point of not bringing children to this world to suffer the curse and watch them die but he loved Geras and Nephele as his, so he had the heartbreak he was trying to avoid anyway. The same thing happened when he adopted his nephews and nieces later on.

Urian's exact words to Apollymi when he asked her to take his ability to procreate were "Can you please make it so that I will never father any while I’m an Apollite?” but he's not an Apollite or Damion anymore. Does that mean he can have children now with Xyn if they wish so?

RANDOM STUFF

I love Ruyn Widowmaker. I need to know so much more about him. Like, right now!

I never thought I would cry for the death of a Daimon but oh, boy, how I did! Several times and bitterly.

Urian using Moppet as a nickname for Wulff is the funniest thing ever. Does Wulff know that? I think not or he'd have staked Uri LOL!!

I love seeing CoN bunch in the main series. Shadow, Kaziel, Aeron, Brynna. It makes me crave Cyprian's books even more. Gah! I wish SK would say the release date already.

And, of course, I'm so excited for the truce between Daimons and Dark-Hunters. I think it's more than necessary now than ever because Helios joined the list of baddies to defeat as if we didn't have enough with Apollo, Zeus, Noir and Azura, Kessar, Morgen.

We have the title (Queen of All Shadows) but not the description. But for the epilogue we can guess is Xander/Brynna story. I can't believe we're having a DH/human pairing for the next book!! So good to be back to the roots. It's been a really long time since the last novel, which if I'm not mistaken it was Dark Side of the Moon with Ravyn and Susan. Because even if Devil may cry and No Mercy are about a DH, Sin wasn't truly one and Katra is far from a human; and Samia was indeed a huntress but Dev is definitely NOT human.

And after that, we'll have Shadow's book!!! Shadows Within. That hasn't a description either and I can't do a wild guess who his HEA is.

What I like about this line up is that connects a lot with the chronicles of Nick and we could get the much-needed details about what the hell went/is going/will go on that front. I'm desperate to know.

I know there's a million of details I'm forgetting but I think I've covered the most important things. Anyone who wants to talk about the book, feel free to message me on this blog or on my main one ( @green-arrows-of-karamel ). I'd love to know what you all think about it.

Pax.✌

PS: Wait for my favorite quotes from the book that I’m about to post too 😊

#my thoughts on #Stygian #Sherrilyn Kenyon #Dark Hunter series #Dark Hunter world #DH #Dark Hunter #book review #dhbookreview #Urian of the House of Aricles #Saraxyn Drago #Pheobe Peters

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taz-writes · 6 years ago

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I was scrolling through your blog and saw something about a mermaid incident in class... date I ask for the story behind that?

I will absolutely tell you the story behind that, because it is equal parts baffling and hilarious, even now an entire year later.

It begins… with my creative writing minor. Last fall I took a class called Survey of Forms: Fiction, which was an introduction to the canon of literary fiction, as well as literary fiction writing and basic style skills like characterization, narrative voice, dialogue, et cetera. Sounds pretty typical, right? Well, my professor was a fun guy, and one of our assignments around the middle of the semester was to write a rant. What sort of rant, you may ask? Literally anything. It was an exercise in narrative voice, he wanted 2-4 pages of a first-person tirade on something that you had strong opinions about, to be read out loud in class the next week. We had the option to write as a character from our short story WIPs or to write as ourselves.

I chose to write my rant about a subject very near and dear to my heart: mermaids. Specifically, how much I fucking hated them as a child.

A bit of backstory, so you can understand why this got me so incredibly riled: I’m all about fairies. I was the fairy kid. I literally thought I was a fairy princess from outer space until I was, like, 11 or 12 years old. I wanted to have cool magic powers and sparkly wings and all that good stuff! I wanted to fly! I wanted to live in the forest and grant wishes! But like, mermaids are and have always been way more popular. If you’re a little girl who loves mermaids, your options are everywhere. You’ve got mermaid TV shows! Mermaid movies! Mermaid book series! Mermaid-themed makeup, mermaid-themed clothing, mermaid-themed Halloween costumes and lunch boxes and merchandise, mermaid stuff is everywhere. If you’re a little girl who loves fairies… you get, uh, Winx Club? Barbie Fairytopia? And maybe some Disney stuff if you squint. This was before even those Tinkerbell movies went mainstream, and if you were (like me) the sort of tomboy to frown at pink ruffly stuff, then you had absolutely NOTHING.

And for bonus points, every single one of those fairy things I mentioned? Yeah they have mermaids in them. And the mermaids got overmerchandised, while the fairy MAIN CHARACTERS were neglected. Winx Club has a whole mermaid season, Barbie Fairytopia has mermaids and got a freaking mermaid-based sequel and never did justice to the actual fairy protagonists until long after I’d outgrown Barbie media. So like, I’m salty. I literally started writing Feilan because I was tired of every story with fairies being either immature Disney shit for 5-year-olds or edgy grimdark YA novels with too much kissing and inappropriate language for baby 12/13-year-old Taz’s tastes. I wanted something in between–fairies who weren’t stupid little glittery farts, but who didn’t spend all their time being ~evil and sexy~ or whatever either. If you like mermaid stuff, you can find a zillion different interpretations of merfolk lore, but despite the vast breadth of fae lore the fiction inspired by it only has two real subgenres. Fairies just aren’t as popular. I think they’re coming back a little bit because of SJM and Holly Black, but I HATE SJM’s fae and Holly Black’s are unbearably edgy, so that’s not really a good thing?

On top of this, I am the type of person who clings very tightly and personally to minor things that aggravate me. I’m not sure why, and I wish that wasn’t the case, but at this point I’ve accepted it as part of my personality. It’s very rare that I find something I’m quite so passionately mad about, but when I latch onto a pet peeve I take it seriously. You can’t argue with me about the meaningless petty grudges, those are my lifeblood, and the mermaid thing is one of the oldest pet peeves I have.

Back to the topic! The rant I wrote for Survey of Forms was the above tirade, expanded over several pages with sources cited. I was pretty proud of it! I came up with some really brutal turns of phrase, I thought my ~authorial voice~ was top of the line, it was a good rant. Time rolled around for us to share our rants with the class, and I gave a fabulous dramatic reading. My comedic timing is one of my strengths as an actress.

Everything went as normal for the next few rants… and then, one of my quieter classmates began to read his rant. It sounded fine for the first few sentences, a discussion of traditional elements and their thematic associations okay whatever… but it became increasingly obvious, as he went on, that this wasn’t what he’d written. No, he was improvising a speech on the spot, because he was SO upset that I didn’t like mermaids that he had to tell me exactly how and why I was wrong about my entire worldview.

In public. In front of our ENTIRE CLASS.

He explained how mermaids belong to elemental water, and they’re valuable to modern society. See, water is the element of empathy and compassion, and those things are so rare in modern American society! It was almost a year after the 2016 elections, and our politics were so vicious and divisive, and the influence of water’s empathy was dwindling and he could see it burning through society! An over-emphasis on elemental air and its transience was leading to the rise of fake news and misinformation and alternative facts, elemental fire led to rage and passion and an inability to think logically, and we needed water to balance everything! So in fact, we need more mermaid stories! Because mermaid stories teach us to feel empathy! And the lack of water’s empathy, this growing hatred of mermaids (and by extension anything water-based)–that was the reason America was falling apart! That’s why Trump was elected! Because… uh, because I don’t like mermaids?

Yeah, this guy basically implied that I was the reason Trump became president and the media devolved into vitriolic chaos. Because I don’t like mermaids.

I couldn’t make this shit up on my own if I tried.

I was absolutely livid, a friend of mine in the same class told me I turned redder than my scarlet school hoodie. I’ve never had the best anger management skills, I was literally shaking in my seat, I was inches away from flipping the table I sat at. I probably would’ve done it, too, if my classmate hadn’t put her boiling hot cup of soup down on it without the lid on. One of the lovely side effects of my ADHD is that sometimes when I get upset, my brain gets so hyperfocused on that one emotion that I’m physically incapable of feeling anything else or even thinking straight, and I can’t snap myself out. Those rages are terrifying. This was one of the worst rages I’ve ever experienced in my life, and I thanked my lucky stars later that I didn’t hurt somebody. I did get to scream at the guy for a couple minutes, but I don’t remember what I actually said. It involved a few physical threats and a lot of being embarrassed in front of my peers.

Anyways, the professor didn’t even stop this guy, because–like everyone else–he didn’t realize what was going on until it was too late. And once he realized, I guess he froze up or something? I don’t know. I lost my fucking mind about this, I went into my next class and screamed for like fifteen minutes. My poor Music History teacher was so confused.

The Survey professor emailed me and asked me to stop by his office later, and I thought I was going to get lectured for throwing a fit in class. I used to throw a lot of tantrums in grade school and even when I grew out of that, I was always the person blamed when an argument or fight broke out with me involved, so I had some muscle memory… the professor actually wound up apologizing. He told me he just didn’t know what to do in the moment, and he was really nice about it, and by then I’d calmed down enough that I wasn’t literally frothing with rage. It was very very surreal. I felt quite validated.

Mermaid guy wound up writing me a length apology email. I’m pretty sure the professor put him up to it. He went on to explain that he was from Singapore and he was raised right by the water and so it was really important to him, his culture has some kind of mermaid thing that he’s emotionally attached to, et cetera… He seemed very sincere about it, so I accepted the apology, but I still have no freaking clue what possessed him to derail the entire class in order to argue over my goofy childhood grudge. It’s hilarious in retrospect, I just can’t even begin to understand the logic. I still have that email saved because it was so mind-blowingly absurd.

So yeah, that’s the Mermaid Incident. I wish I could say it went down in university history but I’m not sure if anyone remembered it longer than a week or so after it happened. Nobody ever mentioned it again.

And despite said classmate’s best efforts, I still have a grudge against mermaids. They’re very nice in their own dedicated media, but if I see them popping up like plot cancer in stories you told me were about fey? I will come for you.

#taz talks #the vicious irony is that i am my own worst enemy #because feilan does have mermaids and they do derail book 2 for a while with their own shenanigans #but tHAT'S DIFFERENT #and the fairies are BETTER #sparksandstarsandstories #also i am absolutely willing to provide proof that this did in fact happen #because this is a 100% real not-embellished-at-all factual story from my life #i have a saved screenshot of the apology email

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rebelrecovery · 4 years ago

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Book Notes

I really love the School Of Life books, which I think are all written by Alain de Botton, an author who I also love. They are written in a very philosophical, psychological and insightful way. This one is particularly excellent.

Below is what particularly resonated for me...

Our capacity to understand our adult selves may depend on reaching back and making sense of a range of awkward and, at points, traumatic childhood events. We might discover that we were, in the background, deeply furious with, and resentful about, certain people we were meant only to love. We might discover how much ground there was to feel inadequate and guilty on account of the many errors and misjudgements we have made.

PRIVILEGE:

Money cannot on its own be the reliable guarantor of ‘privilege’ that it would, in a way, be simpler to imagine it was. It is true privilege when a parent is on hand to enter imaginatively into a child’s world; when they have the wherewithal to put their own needs aside for a time in order to focus wholeheartedly on the confusions and fears of their offspring; and when they are attuned not just to what a child actually manages to say, but to what they might be aspiring yet struggling to explain. It is privilege when a parent lends us a feeling that they are loyal to us simply on the basis that we exist rather than because of anything extraordinary we have managed to achieve; when they can imbue us with a sense that they will be on our side even if the world has turned against us and can teach us that all humans deserve compassion and understanding despite their errors and compulsions. It is privilege when parents can shield us from the worst of their anxiety and the full conflicts of their adult lives; It is privilege when parents don’t set themselves up as perfect or, by being remote and unavailable, encourage us to idealise or demonise them; it is privilege when parents can bear our rebellions and don’t force us to be preternaturally obedient or good and when they themselves reliably seek to explain, rather than impose, their ideas.

TRIGGERS:

Each of us is the recipient of an emotional inheritance, largely unknown to us, yet enormously influential in determining our day-to-day behaviour – normally in rather negative or complex directions. A lot in our inheritance works against our chances of fulfilment and well-being because its logic does not derive from the present; it involves a repetition of behaviour and expectations that were formed and learned in childhood, typically as the best defence we could cobble together in our immaturity in the face of a situation bigger than we were. Unfortunately, it is as if part of our minds has not realised the change in our external circumstances; it insists on re-enacting the original defensive manoeuvre even in front of people or at moments that don’t warrant or reward it.

RELATIONSHIPS:

Our psychological histories strongly predispose us to fall for certain types of people – and to avoid others. We look for people who in many ways re-create the feelings of love we knew when we were small. This can predispose us to look in adulthood for partners who won’t necessarily simply be kind to us, but who will – most importantly – feel familiar; which can be a subtly but importantly different thing. We may be constrained to look away from prospective candidates because they don’t satisfy our yearning for the pain we associate with love. We may describe someone as ‘not sexy’ or ‘boring’ when in truth we mean: unlikely to make me suffer in the way I need to suffer in order to feel that love is real. Rather than aim for a transformation in the types of people we are attracted to, it may be wiser to try to adjust how we respond and behave around the occasionally difficult characters whom our past mandates that we will find interesting. Many of us are highly likely to end up with somebody with a particularly knotty set of issues which trigger our desires as well as our childlike defensive moves. The answer is not to conclude the relationship, but rather to strive to deal with the compelling challenges with some of the wisdom of which we were not capable when we first encountered these in a parent or caregiver.

SELF-LOVE:

We may well be able to meet conditions, but we can’t quite forget the desire to be loved without them, simply for being ourselves, in all our original messiness and confusion. One will have to put extra effort into the delicate task of finding oneself valuable and worthy outside of achievement, not because of anything one has said or done, but just because one exists – which should always, of course, have been enough.

We should start to wonder how a self-loving person might behave, and try to look at matters as if they were in our shoes. When panic descends, we should try to reassure ourselves not with logical arguments about the grounds for hope, but by wondering what a person who did not loathe themselves might be thinking now. If we could reduce the element of internal punishment and attack, how would the situation appear?

PEOPLE-PLEASING:

The people-pleaser is someone who feels they have no option but to mould themselves to the expectations of others and yet harbours all manner of secret and at points dangerous reservations and resentments. They are terrified of the displeasure of others. This almost invariably involves an early experience of being around people – usually a parent – who seemed to be radically and terrifyingly incapable of accepting and forgiving certain necessary but perhaps tricky facts about their child. Perhaps our father flew into volcanic rage at any sign of disagreement. To present an opposing political idea, to suggest we wanted something different to eat, to be frank about our tiredness or anxiety, could threaten us with annihilation. There may have been a desire to keep a depressive parent in a good mood and to avoid adding a further burden to what seemed like an already very difficult or sad life. To survive, we needed to be acutely responsive to what others expected us to do and say. The very question of what we might really want became secondary to an infinitely more important priority: manically second-guessing the desires of those on whom, at that time, our lives depended.

We might find three paths out from these difficult patterns of people-pleasing. The first relies on reminding ourselves that our colleagues, partners and friends are almost certainly very different from the people around whom our anxieties evolved in childhood. Most humans can cope quite well with a bit of contradiction, a dose of unwelcome information or an occasional rejection, delivered with requisite politeness. The other is not going to explode or dissolve. We learned a very particular habit of relating to the world around a group of people who were not representative of humanity as a whole.

Secondly, we need to acknowledge the inadvertently harmful side-effects of our behaviour. We may genuinely have good intentions, but we are endangering everyone by not speaking more frankly. At work, we aren’t doing anyone a service by withholding our doubts and reservations. And in love, there is no kindness in staying in a relationship simply because it seems the other might not survive without us. They will, but we will have wasted a lot of their time through our sentimentality.

Finally, we can acquire the confidence to be artful about the difficult messages we have to impart. As a child we couldn’t nuance the messages we wanted to send out. We didn’t know how to craft our raw pain and needs into convincing explanations. Now, it is open to us to be firm in our own views – but extremely genial as well. We can say ‘no’ while indicating that we feel a lot of goodwill; we can say someone is wrong without implying that they are an idiot. We can leave someone, while ensuring they realise how much a relationship meant to us. We can – in other words – be pleasant without being people-pleasers.

CRITICISM:

Criticism is never easy. To learn that others judge us to be foolish, perverse, ugly or unpleasant is one of the most challenging aspects of any life. However, the impact of criticism is hugely variable – and depends ultimately on an unexpected detail: what sort of childhood we have had. The clue to whether criticism will be experienced as merely unpleasant or wholly catastrophic lies in what happened to us many decades ago in the hands of our earliest caregivers. For the more wounded among us criticism takes them straight back to the primordial injury. An attack now becomes entwined with the attacks of the past and grows enormous and unmanageable in its intensity. The boss or unfriendly colleague becomes the parent who let us down. Everything is pulled into question. Not only was the work subpar, but we are a wretch, an undeserved being, a piece of excrement, the worst person in the world, for that is how it felt, back then, in the fragile, defenceless infant mind.

Knowing more about our tricky childhoods provides us with a vital line of defence against the effects of criticism. It means that we can be on our guard, when we are attacked, against raising the stakes unnecessarily. We can learn to separate out the verdict of today from the emotional verdict we are carrying around with us and always seeking to avoid with the use of current events. We can learn that, however sad the attacks we are facing, they are nothing next to the real tragedy and the effective cause of our sadness: that things went wrong back then. As a result, we can direct our attention to where it really belongs; away from today’s critics and towards the unconvinced parent of yesteryear. We can forgive ourselves for being, in this area, through no fault of our own, fatefully sensitive – and, in essence, mentally unwell.

LACK OF AUTHENTICITY:

in our earliest years, we were denied the opportunity to be fully ourselves. That is, we were not allowed to be wilful and difficult; we could not be as demanding, aggressive, intolerant and unrestrictedly selfish as we needed to be. Because our caregivers were preoccupied or fragile, we had to be preternaturally attuned to their demands, sensing that we had to comply in order to be loved and tolerated; we had to be false before we had the chance to feel properly alive. As a result, many years later, without quite understanding the process, we risk feeling unanchored, inwardly dead and somehow not entirely present. Perhaps our mother was depressed, or our father was often in a rage. The result is that we will have learned to comply far too early; we will have become obedient at the expense of our ability to feel authentically ourselves. In relationships, we may now be polite and geared to the needs of our partners, but not for that matter able properly to love. At work, we may be dutiful but uncreative and unoriginal.

In the hands of a good therapist, we are allowed to regress before the time when we started to be False, back to the moment when we so desperately needed to be True. In the therapist’s office, safely contained by their maturity and care, we can learn – once more – to be real; we can be intemperate, difficult, unconcerned with anyone but ourselves, selfish, unimpressive, aggressive and shocking. The therapist will take it – and thereby help us to experience a new sense of aliveness which should have been there from the start. The demand to be False, which never goes away, becomes more bearable because we are regularly being allowed, in the privacy of the therapist’s room, once a week or so, to be True.

OVER-ACHIEVMENT / IMPOSTER SYNDROME:

To place high expectations on someone who still struggles with their coat buttons can, paradoxically, leave a child feeling hollow and particularly incapable. Unable to sense any resources within itself to honour the hopes of those it loves and depends on, the child grows up with a latent sense of fraudulence – and a consistent fear that it will be unmasked. It winds up at once grandly expecting that others will recognise its sensational destiny – and entirely unsure as to why or how they might in fact do so. The Golden Child cannot shake off a sense that it is very special – and yet cannot identify within itself any real grounds why it should be so. Its underlying longing is not to revolutionise nations and be honoured across the ages; it is to be accepted and loved for who it is, in all its often unimpressive and faltering realities. It wishes, as we all do, to be seen and accepted for itself; to have its faults and frailties forgiven and acknowledged, rather than denied or glossed over.

A life does not need to be golden in order to be valuable; that we can live in baser metal forms, in pewter or iron, and still be worthy of love and adequate self-esteem.

The cure for over-achievement involves pausing to address the psychological wounds that made hard work feel like the only defence against intolerable trauma. The recovering over-achiever should allow themselves to feel compassion for their earlier self, acknowledging how much they wish could have gone differently and grasping how their present so-called successful personality has been shaped as a response to grave wounds. The cure for over-achievement lies in mourning and analysis in an atmosphere of love. The over-achiever may eventually come to believe that they deserve a place on Earth whether they work or not. They are not there just to perform. The greater need is to connect and to understand.

SPLITTING:

The baby splits off from the actual mother a second ‘bad’ version – whom it deems to be a separate, hateful individual, responsible for deliberately frustrating its wishes, and in the process, protecting the image of the good mother in its mind. There are, in the baby’s mind, two people at large: one entirely good, the other entirely bad.

The tendency to ‘split’ those close to us is always there; for we don’t ever fully outgrow our childhood selves. In adult life, we may fall deeply in love and split off an ideal version of someone, in whom we see no imperfections and whom we adore without limit. Yet we may suddenly and violently turn against the partner (or a celebrity or a politician) whose good qualities once impressed us, the moment we discover the slightest thing that disturbs or frustrates us in them. We may conclude that they cannot really be good since they have made us suffer – and that the only logical verdict is that they are appalling. We may find it extremely hard to accept that the same person might be very nice and good in some ways and strikingly disappointing in others. The bad version can appear to destroy the good one, though (of course) in fact these are really just different and connected aspects of one complex person.

It’s a huge psychological achievement to accept other humans in their bewildering mixture of good and bad, their capacity to assist us and to frustrate us, their kindness and meanness – and to see that, far more than we’re inclined to imagine in our furious or ecstatic moments, most people belong in that slightly sobering, slightly hopeful grey area that goes by the term ‘good enough’. We should be gently reminded that no one we can love will ever satisfy us completely – but that this is never a reason to hate them either. We should move away from the naivety and cruelty of splitting people into the camps of the awful and the wondrous, to the mature wisdom of integrating them into the large collective of the ‘good enough’.

BREAKDOWNS:

One of the great problems of human beings is that we are far too good at keeping going. We are experts at surrendering to the demands of the external world, living up to what is expected of us and getting on with the priorities, as others around us define them. We keep showing up and being an excellent boy or girl – and we can pull off this magical feat for up to decades at a time, without so much as an outward twitch or crack. Until, suddenly, one day, much to everyone’s surprise, including our own, we break.

A breakdown is not merely a random piece of madness or malfunction; it is a very real – albeit very inarticulate – bid for health. It is an attempt by one part of our minds to force the other part into a process of growth, self-understanding and self-development which it has hitherto refused to undertake. If we can put it paradoxically, it is an attempt to jumpstart a process of getting well, properly well, through a stage of falling very ill. The danger, therefore, if we merely medicalise a breakdown and attempt to shift it away at once is that we will miss the lesson embedded within our sickness.

The reason we break down is that we have not, over years, flexed very much. There were things we needed to hear inside our minds that we deftly put to one side, there were messages we needed to heed, bits of emotional learning and communicating we didn’t do – and now, after being patient for so long, far too long, the emotional self is attempting to make itself heard in the only way it now knows how.

Our emotional drive is made up of two strands: the first is a will towards ever greater and deeper connection; the second comprises a will towards ever greater and deeper self-expression. If the drive to emotional growth continues to be unattended, and perhaps even unknown to us, it can short circuit our whole lives in a bid to be heard. Fed up with waiting, it may simply throw us into a paralysing depression or lock us into a state of overwhelming anxiety.

THERAPY:

Therapy is a tool for correcting our self-ignorance in the most profound ways. It provides us with a space in which we can, in safety, say whatever comes into our heads. The therapist won’t be disgusted or surprised or bored. They have seen everything already. In their company, we can feel acceptable and our secrets can be sympathetically unpacked. As a result, crucial ideas and feelings bubble up from the unconscious and are healed through exposure, interpretation and contextualisation. We cry about incidents we didn’t even know, before the session started, we had been through or felt so strongly about. The ghosts of the past are seen in daylight and are laid to rest.

Transference is a technical term that describes how, once therapy develops, a patient will start to behave towards the therapist in ways that echo aspects of their most important and most traumatic past relationships. A patient with a punitive parent might – for example – develop a strong feeling that the therapist must find them revolting, or boring. Or a patient who needed to keep a depressed parent cheerful when they were small might feel compelled to put up a jokey facade whenever dangerously sad topics come into view.

We are, many of us, critically damaged by the legacy of past bad relationships. When we were defenceless and small, we did not have the luxury of experiencing people who were reliable, who listened to us, who set the right boundaries and helped us to feel legitimate and worthy. When things go well, the therapist is experienced as the first truly supportive and reliable person we have yet encountered. They become the good parent we so needed and never had. In their company, we can regress to stages of development that went wrong and relive them with a better ending. Now we can express need, we can be properly angry and entirely devastated and they will take it – thereby making good of years of pain. One good relationship becomes the model for relationships outside the therapy room. The therapist’s moderate, intelligent voice becomes part of our own inner dialogue. We are cured through continuous, repeated exposure to sanity and kindness.

We need, to get fully better, to go back in time, perhaps every week or so for a few years, and deeply re-live what it was like to be us at five and nine and fifteen – and allow ourselves to weep and be terrified and furious in accordance with the reality of the situation. It is on the basis of this kind of hard-won emotional knowledge, not the more painless intellectual kind, that we may one day, with a fair wind, discover a measure of relief for some of the troubles within.

‘GOOD’ VS ‘BAD’ CHILDREN:

The so-called good child has inside them a whole range of emotions that they keep out of sight, not because they want to, but because they don’t feel they have the option to be tolerated as they really are. They feel they can’t let their parents see if they are angry or fed up or bored because it seems as if the parents have no inner resources to cope with their reality; they must repress their bodily, coarser, more volatile selves.

The so-called bad child knows that things are robust. They feel they can tell their mother she’s a useless idiot because they know in their hearts that she loves them and that they love her and that a bout of irritated rudeness won’t destroy that. They know their father won’t fall apart or take revenge for being mocked. The environment is warm and strong enough to absorb the child’s aggression, anger, dirtiness or disappointment.

The good child is heading for problems in adult life, typically to do with excessive compliance, rigidity, lack of creativity and an unbearably harsh conscience that might spur on suicidal thoughts. The naughty child, on the other hand, is on the way to healthy maturity, which comprises spontaneity, resilience, a tolerance of failure and a sense of self-acceptance.

What we call naughtiness is really an early exploration of authenticity and independence. As former naughty children, we can be more creative because we can try out ideas that don’t instantly meet with approval; we can make a mistake or a mess or look ridiculous and it won’t be a disaster. Things can be repaired or improved. We can hear criticisms of ourselves and bear to explore their truths and reject their malice. We should learn to see naughty children, a few chaotic scenes and occasional raised voices as belonging to health rather than delinquency – and conversely learn to fear small people who cause no trouble whatsoever.

GUILT:

We don’t merely suffer the consequences of our early wounds. We are also often left feeling that, despite our distress, we’re not entitled to compassion or help, because – after all – nothing too bad happened. A fairer way to look at the situation is to move beyond either excessive blame or bravery – and to consider that we have been involved, together with our parents, in a tragic situation. No one meant for problems to occur. No one was evil. Nevertheless, serious damage did unfold. Without anyone meaning for this to happen, parents radically misunderstand their children and vice versa.

The parent fails to keep in mind the complexity of the inner world of the child, and children are very poorly equipped to explain the nuances of their emotions. The child’s picture of the parent is equally skewed and partial. If a parent is grumpy, the child sees the sullen face, hears the curt answer or a raised voice and assumes that they themselves must be the cause. It’s impossible for the child to imagine that the parent might be beset by a feeling that they didn’t know where their career was going, that they were under too much pressure at work or that they would never have a happy love life.

CONCLUSION:

It can take an immensely long time to realise emotionally, rather than merely intellectually, that the scripts we are following were formed many years before in circumstances that no longer apply. Becoming an emotional adult means learning to acquire a much wider repertoire of behaviour towards other people. Someone in authority can be mistaken; we can annoy someone and survive; we can calmly state what has hurt us and be heard.

#recovery #emotions #emotional healing #inner child #reparenting #trauma #emotional trauma #complex trauma #complex ptsd #cptsd #healing #growth #self love #therapy

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