#and the worst thing is that I developed even ubhealier relationship with food by counting calories :))))
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#new ability unlocked....✨health anxiety✨#I'm tired man I'm so fucking tired of panicking all the time because I feel like I'm going to pass out ot throw up#or constantly googling health symptoms what makes me feel thousands times worse and definitely doesn't calm me down#one day I'm sure I'm getting a heart attack on next day I have a brain tumor then epilepsy then I go for aneurysm...#fucking funniest thing is that it's been going on for two months and absolutely nothing happened to me#i just have constant headache nausea and pain in my stomach but I haven't passed out or threw up or anything#fuck I just want back my normal life when I'm not in constant worry#i feel like im 24/7 in a high alert panic mode so I can't comprehend anything calmly...#i feel like an animal that's constantly just running away from something#I'm scared too see a doctor because I don't even know how to explain my problems...they will think I'm completely insane...#I can't remember last time I ate something without feeling anxious and being in pain afterwards#and the worst thing is that I developed even ubhealier relationship with food by counting calories :))))#so even though I eat nothing I need to push myself into an intense workout because my brain tells me I need to burn everything#i didn't know ai could be even more messed up than I was before#but hey I lost a ton of weight and I am in the best shape I've ever been... it's all I ever wanted and it cost me only my sanity :)))))#i don't even have clothes to fit in anymore because everything literally falls down from me...#currently I'm convinced I'm going to pass out and die any second but I know I'll be alright I can't just die out of nowhere...#I'm healthy and everything will be okay...I survived so much and it will get only better#if you read this rant I typed out while hyperventilating congratulations you get a free cookie and a warm tea I'll be making#guys but seriously...do you know how to tackle this? or the only logical way is to see a doctor?#because I don't know how long can I go on like this considering from September my job should get even more stressful...#now my stress level is high like never before... just thinking about September is giving me a panic attack#aaaaand those are the things I shouldn't think about because the only thing stressing me out the most is my fucking self :)#that's the damn problem like the thing that's making me most stressed is the stress 🙃#I feel nauseous because I'm stressed and I'm stressed because I'm nauseous...makes sense#i think I'm loosing my mind...and it fucking sucks that I do this to myself for no reason at all#i have a nice relaxing day and then in the evening I decide to think about all the bad stuff and kill it all#another scary thing is living on your own without any close friends in your life and with your family hours away...it won't let me sleep#if anything happens I'm alone...if I pass out right now I need to take care about myself#i often think how long would it take to find my dead body here...and then I shake and cry because I don't want to die
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