#and the word ‘eunuch’ was used in relation to this historical detail. and I actually thought the whole thing was interesting

[nerfedbytheuniverse]

Had a friend ask me the other day if I “notice that people seem to be very protective” of me.

And I said, “no, usually I’m the protective one.”

And I have receipts to back that up but I was not about to start trauma-dumping over it.

And he says “I guess since I feel somewhat protective of you, others might too.”

And like. Here’s the series of issues I have with that:

1) he’s the same age as my immediate-younger brother,

2) Which means I’m older than him by 4 years, and

3) Literally what kind of protectiveness do people think I need?

Like sure, I’m cool with people being protective of me, and I kind of have to be okay with that considering that I AM so protective of others. I don’t let people talk shit about others or themselves, I’m constantly trying to lift people up, and when people vent to me about issues they’re having with others, I’m waiting for an excuse to squeeze myself into the drama and tell people off. Nobody is allowed to hurt my friends.

But I also make the point of reminding myself that my friends are capable people. I remind and sometimes encourage people to eat or sleep or do other self-care tasks, but not because I think they can’t do it alone; I wait until there’s at least an inkling that the need isn’t being met, like if someone messages me at 3AM, or when someone brings up that they’re hungry af.

So I’m careful about how I remind people to take care of themselves. Or at least, I try to be.

But also, there’s this bitter voice inside that’s just like “oh how great, people are protective of me NOW. Where was that energy when I was being abused or bullied or talked down to?”

They didn’t know me yet. And it’s not their job. I want to believe that if shit got bad I’d have help but. I don’t. I want to.

But my closest connections outside of my household live over a thousand miles away. My friends in state? I haven’t known them long enough to expect anything from them. Not even advice.

I just. It’s been bugging me since it was said. And I guess it was a lie, since people are generally trying to help me with things and offer advice. I just didn’t really think of that. Because I know I’m smart, capable, and can handle myself for the most part.

And I have two school friends who really seem to get that balance. The balance of “I know you’re smart and capable, BUT you don’t have to do shit alone.”

They’re the two that I’m closest to, shocker. There’s no feeling that I’m being infantilized. Any defensiveness that relates to me is from a place that I’m comfortable with.

Because ultimately, I’m fine with people feeling protective of me but I’m still a whole entire adult and I can manage my own triggers and most of my own responsibilities. And if I need help I’ll probably ask.

But this kid saying he felt protective of me kind of felt weird, because what could he really do?