#and the whole subtext text being falling in love with your best friend is kinda neat

[mean-vampyre]

Putting all my faith and terrible terrible luck on the certified mean girl and the imbetterthanyou hater girl lezzing it out eventually

[ellewritesathing]

So Close - S.S. VI

Summary: The universe has a funny way of putting the things you want right in front of you, but just out of reach. Stiles and Y/N have been best friends ever since Scott brought him home, but when Stiles realizes that he might want to be something other than best friends, she leaves to go to some fancy private school up North. Now that she’s back though … maybe he’s got a shot? A Teen Wolf AU in which the reader has always been so close to Stiles and yet so far.

Prologue - S2E1 Part 1 - S2E2 + S2E3 Part 2 - S2E4 + S2E5 + S2E6 Part 3 -  S2E7 +S2E8 Part 4 - S2E9 + S2E10 Part 5 - S2E11 + S2E12

Word-count: 3.2k+

A/N: So I googled Scott’s birthday for this and apparently it’s either October 6th or September 16th. I went with October so the reader’s birthday could be in July and take place over the summer. So she’s not technically that much younger than them, but she is a grade level below them. 

Allison texted that they were like five minutes away, so you shoved the rest of your things into the duffel bag and dashed downstairs, yelling goodbyes to whoever was still in the house. You fumbled for your keys before throwing open the front door and running into someone. 

“Woah, slow down there, speedy,” Stiles teased, putting his arms out to steady you. You felt your face flush and laughed for a second before realizing this was the first time you were seeing him since your argument. 

“Uh, yeah, sorry,” you exhaled and looked down before meeting his gaze. You smiled when you looked back up. “You’re, uh, you’re growing out your hair.” 

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, I’m just trying out something new.” He nodded, glancing down before looking up with a goofy smile. His signal that things were okay between you. “What do you think?” 

“I think it’s cute.” You lifted a hand and ran it through his hair. Your hand slowly dropped to the back of his neck. You knew you probably shouldn’t have reached out, but the moment was so nice that you didn’t want to ruin it. “Gives you all the boyish charm without all the sarcasm.”

“Oh, does it now?” Stiles laughed. The two of you argued for a bit before falling silent, your hand still on the back of his neck but he was closer now. He was looking at you so intently that it almost made you forget how to breathe, let alone banter and laugh.

Lydia’s car horn snapped both of you out of your trances and you pulled your hand back to grab your duffle bag. “Hello? Are we going or not?” she called out. You saw Allison chastising her from the passenger seat. 

“I’ll be there in a sec!” you yelled back. You looked back to Stiles but the warmth that was there a second before was gone. 

“So, uh, heading out with ‘the gang?’” He shoved his hands in his pockets as he asked. 

“Yeah, we're getting matching tattoos today because leather jackets are so overdone.” Your joke was an attempt to stall but he only gave a half-hearted chuckle before falling silent. He was staring at the arm that you were using to hold your bag and looked down at it. You sucked in a breath. The bruise. 

“How’d that happen?” He reached out and your heart sped up, but you pulled your arm away reflexively. 

“I’ve, uh, been helping the Hales look for Erica and Boyd.” You avoided his gaze but it was largely pointless because Lydia honked again before he could respond anyway. 

“Well, uh, have fun.” Stiles stepped to the side so you could get by. “I’ll lock up.” 

“Yeah, thanks,” you nodded. You looked over your shoulder once you were down the porch steps and saw him watching you. For a second you hoped he’d say something else, but he just closed the door. 

“What was that all about?” Lydia asked as you slid into the car. She was convinced that you and Stiles were in love with each other, despite your protests that, actually, he was in love with someone else. 

“Nothing,” you smiled, buckling your seatbelt. Absolutely nothing. 

---

“London?” you repeated, looking up at Lydia over the trashy teen magazine in your hands. After spending the day shopping, the three of you were sprawled out in Lydia’s room for a sleepover before everyone split up for the summer.

“Yes, London.” Sitting cross-legged on her bed in her pajamas, it would’ve been a cute picture if not for the look of irritation on her face. “Can you believe that? One little murder spree and the whole family packs up to another continent!” 

Allison shook her head and feigned offense. She and Chris were headed to France soon for three months after everything that had happened. “What kind of monsters would want to leave after going through all that?” 

“I don’t know,” Lydia huffed, getting off her bed and ignoring the subtext of Allison’s remark. “But I’ll tell you one thing. I am not just gonna sit here and wait for him to come back.” She strode over to her closet and gave you a devilish grin. “We’re going out.” 

“Oh, no way.” Allison stood on her knees on the bed and pleaded with Lydia. “It’s Thursday in Beacon Hills, where are we gonna go?” 

“We’re three beautiful girls. Where aren’t we going?” 

Allison groaned and collapsed on the bed in response, but Lydia kept going through her closet. You laughed at the dramatics of it all, but gave it some thought. Were you going to just wait around for Stiles all summer? 

“You know what?” You put the magazine to the side and joined Lydia at the closet. “I’m in. Pick out something cute for me.” 

“Yes!” Lydia jumped excitedly over to Allison, but she just covered her face with a pillow to get away from the attention. “Come on. It’ll be fun!” 

“And at the very least, it’ll get you out of the house and to stop pining after my brother for a few hours,” you said. Allison removed the pillow to scowl at you. 

“I am not pining.” 

“You are totally pining!” 

“Am not!” Allison launched the pillow at you and you quickly ducked to avoid it. Lydia wasn’t so lucky though. You and Allison shared a worried look before beginning to laugh. 

“Well, now you have to go out with us.” Lydia dragged Allison off the bed and to the closet. “And stop laughing - that hurt!” 

---

The three of you were a giggling mess, huddled together in a corner booth of some fast-food place. It was the only thing open by the time you’d exhausted the clubs that would let you in. 

“I’m serious!” Lydia said adamantly, suddenly trying very hard to lose the grin that was plastered on her face a second ago. “Scott might just have hypertrichosis and we could all be one of his delusions!” 

“What, and Jackson just had a severe case of psoriasis?” you asked between laughs. Lydia glared at you for mentioning him and it made you and Allison laugh even harder. 

“Okay, wait,” Allison started seriously after she recovered. “Since when do skin conditions come complete with mental disorders?” 

“I don’t know but they-” you stopped when you looked up and saw someone you knew. “Isaac! What are you doing here?” You got up and wrapped your arms around him, leaving Allison to topple over since you weren’t there for her to lean on anymore. 

“You called me,” he said hesitantly, barely hugging you back. “Are you guys drunk?” 

“No…” You drew out the word, trying to look serious as you pulled away. “That would be illegal.” 

“Right.” Isaac narrowed his eyes as he looked at you, which made you completely drop whatever seriousness you had left and burst out laughing. 

“Come sit with us!” you pulled him into the booth with you, forcing Allison and Lydia to shuffle over slightly. He sat stiffly as you started running your hands through his hair, humming something that vaguely sounded like, “Curly, wurly, curly, curls ....” 

“Okay.” Isaac sucked in a breath after a while. It had been ten minutes of Allison and Lydia kinda-sorta glaring at him, and you doing … whatever it was you were doing. “I think I’m gonna go.” 

“No!” you protested, holding onto him. “Guys, Isaac should stay. Shouldn’t he stay?” 

“I don’t know,” Allison said, swirling her straw around in her drink. “He’s kind of ruining girls night.” 

Lydia started nodding and you gasped, pulling yourself closer to him and holding his face in your hands. “Isaac can be a girl!"

“He is pretty enough.” Lydia seemed to be thinking out loud, weighing the options. It took a little longer to convince Allison, but eventually she caved. 

“I guess someone should make sure you all get home,” Isaac mumbled after being dubbed the newest edition of the group, a bunch of straw papers knotted together to form a crown sitting on top of his head to complete the look. 

“Hmm?” you hummed. It sounded like he didn’t want to be there, and his sad little face made you sad. You were ready to cry if he didn’t want to be part of the group.

“I said I guess someone should get honeycomb,” Isaac rushed out. In your drunken state, that sentence made sense. Allison and Lydia looked confused, but Isaac seemed relieved that the three of you had taken him at his word.  

“I don’t think they have honeycomb ... but I do think they have ice cream,” you told him, nodding seriously after a minute.

“I could go for some ice cream,” Allison nodded along, almost asleep on Lydia’s shoulder.

“Oh, me too! Isaac, will you get us ice cream?” 

“Sure.” Isaac took a breath and shook his head once he was walking to the counter. This was gonna be a long night. 

--- 

The alarm that went off the next morning almost killed you. You jolted upright to stop it but almost threw up because of the sudden movement. “Oh my god,” you groaned. “What did we do?”

“Ugh, stop yelling,” Allison whined, curling up in her sleeping bag. “And switch off that stupid alarm.” 

You looked around for the source and got up to find the phone. When you did, you noticed Lydia wasn’t in her bed, and because your sleeping bag was so far away, you climbed in and went back to sleep. 

You woke up later when someone threw the curtains open. Allison groaned and formed an even tighter ball under the covers. “Dad, I’ll get up on my own!”

“Hmm, seeing as I don’t look anything like your father and you sound like a seventy-year-old smoker, I’m gonna guess you guys are still hungover.” Lydia’s perky voice annoyed you. 

“And you’re not?” You sat up in the bed to squint at her. She didn’t look like she drank the two of you under the table last night. Her hair was perfect and her outfit was immaculately put together, right down to the accessories.

“Sweetie, do I look like the kind of person that gets hungover?” Lydia tilted her head to the side as she spoke and you threw a pillow at her - except that in your groggy state it didn’t go that far. You heard Allison groan and guessed it must have hit her. Lydia rolled her eyes. “I brought you guys food, water, and aspirin.” 

Despite your annoyance not even a minute earlier, you were suddenly filled with admiration for your angel of a friend. Though the food basically had to be spoon-fed to you, you’d gulped down the water and aspirin. Sprawled out on the bed, you listened as Lydia checked on Allison. She’d fought the food and water much harder than you had, and you took that time to take a shower and clean yourself up. 

You looked rough. You’d thrown up somewhere in the process of showering, washing your hair, and getting dressed, so you’d brushed your teeth twice by the time you left and were chewing mint gum on your way out. You checked your voicemails as you walked. Two from Isaac. 

“Hey, so, uh-” his voice was quiet but you could hear some very loud giggling girls in the background. Was that you? “No, Lydia let go. Seriously, you guys need to sleep. No, I'm not staying. Really, I’m not- Would you let go? Please? Please, will you let go? Okay, hold on-” The message cut off and you laughed before clicking on the next one. 

“Okay, let’s try again,” he sighed. You bit back another laugh so that you could focus on what he was saying. “I just dropped you, Allison, and Lydia back at her house. Anything that happens from here on is on you guys. But, uh, seriously, let me know when you get this so I know that you all made it through the night. Something tells me you’re not gonna be in the best mood tomorrow but whatever, I guess.” It was quiet for a second and you wondered if he’d forgotten to hang up when you heard his voice again. “This is Isaac, by the way.” 

You laughed and put your phone in your pocket. Whatever the three of you had done last night, you were pretty sure that it didn’t include pining over the boys that broke your hearts. You knew with Allison leaving the next day and Lydia never being in one place for too long over the summer that the feeling wouldn’t last, but it was nice knowing that for one night you were just an ordinary girl with some ordinary girl friends. 

---  

Because all of your friends had usually left for vacation by the time your birthday rolled around, you’d never been one for big celebrations. This year was no different. Allison was in France, Lydia was wherever she was, Erica and Boyd were still missing … the list went on. Melissa had taken you and Scott out to a local ice cream parlor though, for tradition. So when the car slowly came to a stop in front of the house, you looked at your mom with narrow eyes. 

“Mom, why are there cars in our driveway?” you asked, unbuckling so you could lean closer to her. 

“I- I don’t know,” Melissa lied badly. “Scott?” 

You turned to face him and he threw his hands up in surrender. “I don’t know anything. Promise.” 

Reluctantly, you followed them into the house. You calmed down when all the lights were off, but your spidey senses were still telling you that something was up. When everyone jumped out and yelled surprise, you weren’t sure how much of your reaction was fake and how much was due to your anxiety. 

“Mom! You promised.” 

“I didn’t do anything!” Melissa gestured to where Lydia was standing, birthday cap on her head and everything. 

“Come on,” Lydia rolled her eyes as she pulled you into a hug. “You only turn sixteen once. Plus, who doesn’t love cake?” That made you laugh, so you let her slip her arm around yours and parade you through the house. 

She had thought of everything from decorations and snacks to the guest list. She had Allison on FaceTime, roped in Derek and Isaac for the night, put Stiles and Noah on gift collection, and she’d gotten a few of your old Willow Creek friends and some kids from Beacon Hills High there too. You were touched. 

Even more so when Derek pulled you to the side before cutting the cake and pushed a neatly wrapped box into your hand. “Awww, the big bad alpha does have a heart,” you teased and pulled him into a hug. 

“Yeah, yeah.” He rolled his eyes as he pulled away. “Listen, don’t, uh, don’t open that around the others, okay?” You raised an eyebrow but didn’t push it. “I’ve gotta get out of here. There’s this girl that used to go to school with you that’s like-” 

“Sneak out the back before Taylor finds you,” you laughed. “She can be pretty persistent.” He nodded seriously and you laughed once more before heading back to cut the cake. 

You shied away from the attention when everyone was singing to you, and leaned over to blow out the candles when it was over. “Wait! You need to make a wish.” Lydia pulled you back up and gave you a stern look. “Seriously. Make a wish.” 

You laughed and shook your head, casting a look at Stiles. What the heck? Regular people make wishes on their birthdays all the time, and it doesn’t mean it’ll come true. You closed your eyes and made your wish before blowing out the candles. Everyone cheered as you cut the cake and disappeared into little groups to eat and socialize. You stayed for a good half hour before heading up to your room when no one was looking. 

You smiled as you saw all the gifts on your bed. You started with Derek’s because he was so weird about it, and found that it was a dagger that could hide in your sleeve until you needed it. ‘Because not everyone has a set of claws.’ Figures why he wouldn’t want a bunch of teenagers seeing that. You laughed and set it aside, moving through the rest. Lydia had given you a gorgeous dress and a pair of shoes to match. Isaac - a signed copy of one of the books the two of you read as kids. Scott - your favorite candy and a coupon book for ‘brotherly love.’ You didn’t find anything from Stiles but decided not to dwell on it as you went through the remaining gift-cards and trinkets. 

“You know, I think it’s considered bad form for the birthday girl to leave her own party early.” You looked up as Stiles eased the door open and closed it behind him with a smile. 

“I didn’t leave early,” you said defensively. “I’m just …” 

“Hiding?” 

You laughed and moved some things out of the way so he could sit on the bed with you. “You gonna rat me out?” 

“And face the wrath of Lydia Martin? Not even if you paid me.” You laughed and shoved his arm playfully. “But, uh, anyway,” he eventually added to break the quiet. “I wanted to give this to you in person.” He took a small box out of his pocket; it was wrapped in a pretty floral paper and had your favorite color ribbon on it. “Stiles, I-” 

“Just open it, okay?” 

You bit your lip but nodded all the same. You untied the ribbon and carefully unwrapped the paper, ignoring Stiles’ comments to ‘just hurry it up already’ and ‘it’s wrapping paper, not money. Jesus.’ You opened the box to find a thin silver chain, and a tiny signet ring looped through. 

“It’s a necklace,” Stiles explained nervously. “And the, uh, the ring we stole from my mom when we were little. When we, uh-” 

“Got married in the woods,” you interrupted, looking up at him with bright eyes. “Scott officiated.” 

“You- you remember that?” 

“Of course I remember.” The two of you stared at each other for a while before you looked down at the necklace in your hand. “Help me put it on?” He nodded and you repositioned yourself closer, your back facing him. Your breath hitched as he moved the hair from around your neck and took the ends of the chain from your hands. 

“There.” His voice was so quiet that you barely heard it. The necklace was long enough that it could be hidden under your shirt, but you left it over the surface as you turned to face him. “It’s perfect on you.” 

You were about to say something when the door flung open and you heard Scott’s voice. “I think they’re in here!” He was yelling to someone down the hall when you felt Stiles shoot to his feet. You frowned, unsure of the sudden distance between you two. “What are you guys doing?” Scott asked with a goofy grin. 

“I was unwrapping my gifts when Stiles came to bring me down,” you answered. 

“That was like twenty minutes ago.” 

“Okay, well we got sidetracked. Sorry we can’t all have super-human focus,” Stiles snapped, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Okay, jeez.” Scott lifted his hands defensively. “Lydia wants you downstairs before people start leaving.”

“Right,” you exhaled and stood up. You walked past Scott and left Stiles behind in your room. You twisted the necklace around your finger before dropping it under your shirt. Another year, another weirdly romantic moment with Stiles that you were probably reading into way too much.

Part 7

[musicempath]

ZOEY CLARKE LOVES MAX RICHMAN: a masterpost

As the finale draws nearer day by day, I decided now was the perfect time to do an idea I’ve had kicking around in my head for a while: an in depth look at every moment, subtext or text, that shows Zoey Clarke is in love with Max Richman. I’ll be going episode by episode documenting every lingering look, every moment of jealousy, every line of dialogue that shows that Zoey’s feelings for her adorable best friend go beyond being simply platonic. Because they do, and I can.

Onwards and upwards for some rambling!

1x01

Her soft smile at Max when he has his pure of heart, dumb of ass moment, asking if 50/20 is low for a blood pressure reading. Zoey loves one (1) adorable idiot.

Right before Max starts singing I Think I Love You, there’s a little smile and squint she has as Max struggles to put what’s going on in his head into words. Nothing special. Just a little moment of fondness worth noting.

During I Think I Love You, as shocked and a little bit terrified of Max’s sudden confession as she is, you can see her soften up when she gives him her hands to spin her around in the chair. Out of the blue confessions of undying love are scary, but they’re made slightly less scary when you’re also. Y’know. In love with that person too.

1x02

Sucker! This is gonna have a lot of different points, but to start out with there’s the fact that she can’t hold back her smile when Max sings the opening line to her. Even as she’s trying to stop the heart song from stealing her big, introductory speech thunder, she can’t stop smiling.

And then there’s the thirst. By the end of his heart song, Zoey is quite literally fanning herself with her notecards. She may not have admitted it at this point, but she’s absolutely attracted to Max on some level, and watching him seductively sing Sucker to her made her confront it at least a little bit.

It’s also worth noting that once the song is over, Zoey is flustered. Extremely so. When she refers to her memo and its section How Not To Be Distracted In The Workplace, she glances at Max. At the Golden Gate Grind with Mo, Zoey even says “Max is becoming a major distraction at work.” Zoey hasn’t referred to any of her other workplace heartsongs as major distractions, though, so what makes Max different? The fact that the feelings are mutual and she isn’t ready to admit it.

Moment one of Zoey not saying she doesn’t feel the same way for Max comes at the Golden Gate Grind with Mo. It would be so easy for her to say that she just doesn’t like Max in that way. But she doesn’t. She just says that with everything going on in her life, she wants things between them to stay the same and that she doesn’t want to live in the awkwardness.

At her parents’ house! When Max brings the butterscotch pudding over from Hand-Picked. There are so many individual moments in that one scene, but especially when Max is crouched down, talking to Mitch one-on-one, you can really see just how much Zoey cares for him. There’s a lot of love as she watches her best friend with her dad.

“Is it too early to say friend for life?” no it is NOT and don’t even get me started on how much that journal entry reeks of an early crush that went nowhere back when Zoey first started out at SPRQ Point that maybe she thought faded into friendship but really just got stronger over the years and she just ignored it.

Longing and wistful look at Max and Autumn on a date at the Golden Gate Grind through the window. This was the start of Jealous Zoey™. To be further documented in later episodes.

1x03

Cute side-eye at Max when he says “Dude, Joan is crushing us,” as they’re leaving from a late night at work. Actually the whole time he’s complaining about wanting to crash and she bursts his bubble that they already have plans she’s giving massive hearteyes. Or getting a bit tight-lipped once Autumn is mentioned.

“C’mon, whiskey sour, this body has got to move!” “Oh, sorry guys, her body is very bossy, apparently.” “Okay.” Zoey’s face during this whole exchange is just so telling like you can already tell that Max and Autumn’s relationship is grating on her, and it’s NOT just because new couples are annoying either. And then the air spanks. She definitely had that jealousy nausea watching that.

“Max is in... a very handsy relationship,” and also “Not jealous. Just aware,” are also really great examples of how Max and Autumn’s relationship is getting to Zoey. However much she’s insisting she’s not bothered, even Mo can tell that it’s killing Zoey to see Max with someone else. Even if she’s also totally hung up on Simon at the same time.

1x04

"You can take the fifth and stop telling me about it!” More Jealous Zoey™. You can tell by Max’s reaction to this that it’s definitely not how Zoey would typically react.

Honestly, I know Zoey’s trying so hard to give off this I’m so supportive! air while talking with Max about his plans for a couples trip in Napa with Autumn, but you can really tell that she’s gritting her teeth through it the whole time. “You could stand to tone it down a little bit,” more like “Please stop feeling so strongly about Autumn instead of me it makes me wanna barf.”

Zoey’s little headshake when Max says he got to second base at several bar mitzvahs. He’s an idiot, but he’s her idiot. It has those vibes.

1x05

Have I said we’ve reached peak Jealous Zoey™ yet? Because if I have, I was lying. This is where we start to find out that there’s trouble in paradise for Max and Autumn post!Napa, and Zoey? She is living. She’s grinning the whole time Max complains about Autumn and her face when Autumn goes in for a very unreciprocated smooch from Max is just. So damn pleased with herself. Basically, Max is miserable with Autumn, Zoey can see it, and she could NOT be happier about it.

Also let’s talk about how completely at ease she is with Max that she lets him see her with a sheet mask on for a minute. It’s such like... a married couple moment and I adore it.

1x06

Vindication for Jealous Zoey™ as she gets the deets on Max and Autumn’s breakup. Smiling at Max being an absolute dork insisting that he nailed it and would at least get a nomination if awards were given out for Best Breakup. Again, he’s a dumbass, but he’s her dumbass. 

“And I’m...staring at your nipples!” AKA the moment that collectively made all of us lose our shit because of shirtless Skylar Astin. This entire scene is pretty much the epitome of banging a book titled Zoey Clarke Is Attracted To Max Richman against our heads. She can’t stop staring at his chest. We know it. Max knows it. He even jokes about it. This is pretty much the level of flustered during the Sucker scene dialed up to an 11. When Zoey leaves Mo’s apartment we even see her throw one last look at shirtless Max for the road.

I’m! Gonna! Be! But part one because the slower reprise is a whole different ballgame. This is Zoey at her weakest moment, I think, overwhelmed with everything that happened at the engagement party and crying because she just got a call about her dad falling and being rushed to the hospital, and Max doesn’t even hesitate to jump in and help Zoey. And this is the first time we don’t see any resistance from Zoey whatsoever about hearing a love song from Max. Even though she’s crying, she’s also constantly shooting Max these loving little looks as he’s singing and trying to lead her through the crowds on the streets and get her to her dad.

Which of course leads into the scooter scene where Max literally threatens to throw down with a stranger if he doesn’t give up the scooter. And then proceeds to ride the scooter with Zoey since she doesn’t feel comfortable riding it by herself. Even though she’s an absolute mess when she gets on, you see her visibly calm the longer she rides the scooter with Max. Max is her rock and he makes her feel safe.

The hug! At “I’m here if you need me. Always.”! When Zoey pulls away she looks down at Max’s lips and then back up into his eyes and you cannot tell me that she didn’t fully expect and even want Max to go in for the kiss. The disappointment when he leaves without kissing her is so palpable on her face.

I’m! Gonna! Be! Part two! The first moment that it actually hit Zoey like a freight train that she might like Max in a romantic styles kinda way. This is probably the most romantic song Max has heart sung to her at this point, and instead of being confused and a little terrified or annoyed and very flustered, she’s smitten. The way we see Zoey look at Max in this moment is very akin to how she’s looked at her family, particularly her dad or her dad and mom at times, and if that doesn’t tell you the absolute depth of love she’s feeling for him at that moment I don’t know what will. Zoey could literally have run out onto that street corner to plant a big ol’ smooch on Max because of his little reprise, and it would’ve been wholly believable based on her reaction to him singing.

1x07

There’s a definite Moment™ between Zoey and Max as the credits are rolling and she’s teasing him about crying at the ending that gets interrupted when Mo flicks on the light. This is our first glimpse at what Zoey and Max’s friendship dynamic was like before her powers revealed his feelings for her since the pilot, and the tension between them has definitely ramped up even MORE since that moment Max sang to her from the street corner.

“I need more Max in my life,” honestly this plus the way she looked at him as she touched his shoulder just made me scream because this is classic flirting. I mean this is textbook flirting. Flirting 101 would cover this on the very first day. And even Mo notices it and points it out.

“After I got the power... You sang to me. Love songs. Lots of love songs.” “I did?” “Yeah.” There’s so much that could be said about Zoey’s body language in this scene, but the little smiles she gets as she says “Lots of love songs,” and then “Yeah,” probably are the most telling. We’ve seen Zoey show a wide array of emotions to Max’s heart songs in the moment, but to smile about them in hindsight is a huge sign that she thinks of them fondly.

Zoey’s conversation with Max on the balcony. Just the entire thing. Again, it would be so easy for Zoey to say that she just doesn’t feel the same way about Max. But she doesn’t. Her answer for Max isn’t that she isn’t interested, it’s that she doesn’t know how she feels. And that she hasn’t let herself figure out how she feels out of fear of losing him. And though Zoey says she hasn’t considered going down a romantic road with Max, this conversation makes it pretty clear that she’s at the very least thought about it in passing and isn’t against the idea of them being more than friends. She’s just scared of what happens if Max becomes the latest casualty in a series of disastrous relationships. “It is not a rejection.” (I mean it kind of is but not in the sense that’s easiest to handle) “It’s all coming from a place of love.” 

1x08

Zoey’s in her own little world in that scene in the elevator with Max walking into work, not really looking at Max much besides quick little glances for his reaction, but once he starts talking the hearteyes are turned up to an 11. 

Pressure! The entire scene after Zoey finishes making a fool of herself in front of the big boss with Zoey giving meaningful looks to Max and talking about the Chirp but also absolutely talking about Max at the same time. “It’s there to help you and back you up in any situation,” and yes by it she does mean Max and that look in her eyes is absolutely mortification mixed with love.

I’m Yours as a scene and song also have to get mentioned. Not to break down every little piece of body language on Zoey’s end (because that in itself would take up a whole meta) but to point out the fact that the music starts well before Zoey actually starts singing. She knows the song is coming on. She can feel it. But she doesn’t fight it. It’s the ONLY song she doesn’t fight besides Crazy which took her by surprise and How Do I Live which was for her dad. Also, anyone who insists that this song is purely platonic is deluding themselves. This song being meant in a romantic way is obvious both from the lyrics and the choreography.

Which of course Zoey tries to deny immediately afterwards in the most transparent and obvious way. The fact that Max picks up on this is less a testament of him being pushy and more that he’s been friends with Zoey for five years and knows what a Zoey who is bullshitting looks like. That was bullshitting at its finest worst. 

The confrontation with Max after her song to Simon. “I’m not sure I knew I had those feelings until I sang them,” is a pretty accurate (and also inaccurate) way to describe Zoey’s complicated relationship with her feelings for Max. They’ve been there. There’s been so many clues along the way that they’ve been there. But Zoey has very pointedly ignored them until she couldn’t anymore, and you can see in her face as Max confronts her with his own interpretation of the situation that she knows he’s right about a few things, however much as she doesn’t want to admit it.

When she opens up to Max. This is probably the first time we’ve seen Zoey be this honest with Max about her dad’s condition and how it’s affecting her, and it produced a scene that’s so sweet even after their mess of a confrontation. The effect that Max has on a thoroughly dejected Zoey is incredible, especially as he jokes about hating her “just a little” and makes her smile.

1x09

She holds back when she’s telling Max what the I’m Yours Zoey would say to him about the promotion, but the way she looks at him is full of love but just... tentative about it. Hesitant. Like she isn’t ready for the full emotions dump but there is absolutely a full emotions dump waiting in the wings for when she is ready.

1x10

I could say something about the fact that the reason she “forgot” about it being the day that Max moves to the six floor is because she’s been avoiding it, but let’s instead talk about the rest of that conversation because there’s definitely a lingering sort of longing that hangs in the air before Zoey brushes it off with the “it’s only two floors we’re being ridiculous” attitude. She’s also giving him massive sad hearteyes as he walks away and Here I Go Again starts to play.

“Max is probably miserable on the sixth floor” not really a Moment™ per se but it comes into play later when Zoey takes it very personally that Max is happier on the sixth floor than he ever was on the fourth floor. Troubles with Max are not the source of her anger this episode, but this is definitely a moment of petty jealousy that adds to her grief anger.

Zoey after The Boy Is Mine, when Max is describing his reasoning for staying on the sixth floor and keeping the code there. Obviously, there’s a personal element to his reasoning in saying that nobody wanted him there and nobody fought to keep him re: Zoey, but you can absolutely see how personally she takes it that he’s upset with her. And she also assumes that it’s because of her romantic “rejection” and not the fact that, as he said, the only time they wanted him back was because they needed something from him. Not because they actually WANTED him back. The assumption is telling.

“I’m sorry to break it to you but your lumbar support is actually 4th floor property,” this line could be played off as playful, but it isn’t. It’s bitter. And biting. Jealous Zoey™ has risen from the dead and is back in a big way, conveniently fueled to bigger heights by her grief related anger. The rest of this scene is just filled with tension in a way that her other outbursts (barring the one with Simon who she also has feelings for) aren’t. Also, when she turns around as Max stomps back toward her post “You’re calling me selfish?” she’s clearly mad horny.

1x11

Comes into work the next day. Tries to talk to Max like she didn’t totally just tell him that he didn’t deserve the promotion and that he basically sucks. Is very visibly bothered when he proceeds to ignore her because she hasn’t even tried to apologize to him. Then proceeds to take Leif’s recruitment as a personal affront because in true Zoey fashion, she’s sometimes definitely more than a little self-absorbed. Also everything Max does with regards to the 6th floor is about her because she’s Jealous Zoey™ now.

Cue the bar scene. Zoey is only slightly less awkward than poor Leif is at the karaoke bar with Max. We then see more bitterness from Jealous Zoey™ as she “warns” Max that Leif is ultimately going to betray him and stab him in the back. Just because she ultimately was correct doesn’t mean she deserves a pat on the back for it. 

Bye Bye Bye and all of Zoey’s progressive reactions to it. From confusion mixed with a little bit of hurt to offended and internally screaming to full blown HORROR. In reality, all Max is doing is ignoring her, but in Zoality, he’s ready to be completely done with her. Full stop. And Zoey hates it and is not prepared for that at all.

The longing and wistful look she gives to Max’s empty desk after her mom’s text. She misses him.

Pining Zoey™ during Get Together. It’s the looks she gave to Max’s empty desk turned up to an 11 now that she’s staring across at Max who, like her, isn’t joining in with the big group song between the 4th and 6th floors.

“And if I had to die tomorrow, I couldn’t stomach being this far apart from you.” Honestly everything about this scene is peak Pining Zoey™ hanging up the jealousy and admitting that she both wants and needs Max in her life. And! “I’m not saying I expect us to go back to the way things were, but maybe with time...” “Somehow we get back to...” “Whatever we are?” First of all that look that she’s giving him second of all she could’ve said friends. I repeat. ZOEY COULD HAVE SAID FRIENDS. Zoey has a habit of choosing her words around Max very carefully, particularly when it comes to the state of their relationship. It’s extremely significant that she didn’t just say friends. Not to mention she’s also showing a lot of growth saying that she doesn’t expect them to go bak to the way things were compared to previous times where she insisted on returning to the status quo from before feelings were out in the open. Zoey, after all that pining and jealousy, is ready for some kind of step forward in that moment.

[cravingcrazewriting]

youwillbefound.org

Trigger Warning- Mentions of suicide attempt and suicidal thoughts.

youwillbefound.com is a safe haven for any troubled teens/young adults who are looking for someone to find them. This site intends on being a place to reach out to others and to find them as you wold want yourself. Harassment is strictly prohibited. If we find you are abusing this site to target and harass people who are suicidal then you will be banned firstly for a week, secondly for a month, and thirdly will be a permanent ban and removal of your account. We hope you find whatever you're looking for on youwillbefound.com and we wish you the best of luck! Have a fantastic day!

What was Evan doing?

It wasn't like him to get a social media. It wasn't like him to rely so much on people, but yet he did, for no reason whatsoever. He did meet someone who he could trust, and needed help as much as he did. It was nice. He only had a few other friends who friended him out of pity.

He was currently on his laptop, writing his therapy letter, when he heard his phone go off.

HighandAllMighty: hey dude, wuts up?

Evan made a smile. High, that's what Evan nicknamed him due to privacy issues, was one of his closest friends, he'd even call him a best friend. High suffered from Anxiety and Bipolar, and had a very hard time making friends due to all of his outbursts. On the internet, he was able to calm himself down and not act rashly, but sometimes would assume the worst and snap at Evan a few times, but when that did happen, he'd awake to multiple apologizes from High.

High admitted to smoking openly, from cigarettes to weed, mainly because the way it calmed him down and less likely to snap at people. Evan didn't really mind this, since High's parents didn't get him any medication to him. If it helped, then that was that.

AnAnxiousTeen: Nothing much, just sitting in bed. I might write my therapy letter soon. What about you?

HighandAllMighty: sweet. Honestly I'm just dazing in and out atm. Me and my family just ate and my dad is trying to start shit again. HighandAllMighty: so the usual bs

AnAnxiousTeen: I'm so sorry.. I wish I could help you.

HighandAllMighty: Nah, don't be. U should probably start your letter.

AnAnxiousTeen: Well you know I hate writing them so I'd rather not heh

HighandAllMighty: hey, can I ask u something kinda important?

AnAnxiousTeen: Sure! Ask away!

HighandAllMighty: can we FaceTime? HighandAllMighty: I know u might not want to bc of ur anxiety HighandAllMighty: it was just something I wanted to try, if you wanted to at least

AnAnxiousTeen: I'm.. not sure.. I need time to think this over. AnAnxiousTeen: My mom is still home, so I can't right now.

HighandAllMighty: I understand. It's ok

Evan was trying not to freak out.

He was scared. He was scared he'd disappoint High. Incredibly scared of the mental image he imaged him looking like and being a huge let down and not being able to say anything and make things ten times worse than what they are and-

"Honey! I'm heading out! There's a twenty on the counter! Please get something to eat while I'm gone! Love you, bye!" Heidi called from downstairs, pulling Evan out of his thoughts. A moment later a door closing could be heard.

Evan sighed and ran his fingers through his messy blonde hair. There was another complication; he had completely fallen for High, one hundred percent in love.

HighandAllMighty: ah man, I'm rlly srry. My dad is gonna take my phone. HighandAllMighty: we'll talk later, k?

AnAnxiousTeen: I understand. I'll see you when you get back!

HighandAllMighty: in one week. Bye bud

Evan laid down on his bed. A whole week?! This obviously wasn't the first time it happened, but would that stop him from missing him? No. Definitely not. It'd be a lonely week without him.

This would be a long week

~~~ It was only Tuesday.

High had his phone taken on Saturday, so they were completely out of touch for tree days straight so far, and Evan was miserable and lonely.

Evan was sitting in his room, unenthusiastically working on homework. He was sinking into a depressive state. He'd never admit to it, but there was something wrong, that he just wasn't happy. He let out a sigh, setting his pencil down and grabbing his phone. The only notifications he had was some posts from people he liked, and a text from Jared.

Jared K: U have math done?

Evan H: -Evan H has sent a picture-

Jared K: thanks

Well, that made Evan feel even more like shit. It made him feel like Jared would only miss him for his car insurance if he suddenly disappeared. Hell, his mom would have it easier if he was gone. And High.. he was just a burden to him. Fuck it, he needed to vent.

AnAnxiousTeen has posted a status update: I'm always being told that things will get better, that I'll find someway to deal with my social anxiety, but nothing is seeming to be working. No one would notice if I suddenly left, if this account was suddenly shut down, maybe except for @HighandAllMighty but if I'm being honest, I'd be doing him a favor. I wish that things were different. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. Because let's face it. Would anyone here notice if I disappeared tomorrow?

After posting his update, he got a handful of responses, that mainly said stuff among the lines of "I'd notice! Please don't do anything rash!". It didn't feel real to Evan. He knew how this stuff worked. After a week of his death, people would forget him. All he could think of was how thankful his anxiety held him back from another attempt.

AnAnxiousTeen has posted a status update: If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it ever make a sound?

There was a lot of debate about this one. No one saw the hidden subtext, that he fell-no, let go of the branch that was holding him and was now restrained to a cast. It made his stomach do a cartwheel at the thought.

AnAnxiousTeen has posted a status update: Sorry for all the depressing stuff tonight. I'm going offline to hit the hay early.

Well, that wasn't a total lie. He had homework to do first, then he'd probably lay in bed till sleep took him away.

And that's exactly what he did.

~~~ HighandAllMighty: why didn't you tell me how you were feeling?

High was back, early, and Evan was downright terrified.

Unlike before, he used almost perfect spelling and grammar, something he'd only do in serious situations. Evan hated confrontation, so so much.

AnAnxiousTeen: I'm sorry.. I didn't want to be a burden...

HighandAllMighty: you could never burden me with your problems. HighandAllMighty: we have to look out for each other, otherwise we'll loose us both. HighandAllMighty: I want to video chat with you. I want to see /you/. Let me help you. Please

Evan didn't really think when he answered. He didn't consider what his anxiety was telling him. He just had to make it up to High, especially with what he just put him through.

AnAnxiousTeen: Of course, just give me a few minutes to set up.

HighandAllMighty: thank you. I mean it

Evan let out a puff of air and set his phone down. His mom was home but sleeping, so he'd have to be quiet and not talk to loud, which wasn't a problem because he's.. him. He grabbed a set of dark blue headphones (he preferred them because they felt more comfortable on his ear) and plugged them into his phone. He made sure they worked okay and sent High a message.

AnAnxiousTeen: I'm ready. Can you send the request?

-HighandAllMighty has sent you a Face Time Request!-

-x Accept x or x Decline x-

Evan hesitantly hit the accept key and sat down on his bed, tidying up his shirt and hair while it loaded. Things'll be fine. They'll be perfectly okay. Just stay completely calm, don't fuck anything up, and your guys' friendship will be saved.

A minute later, the Face Time had finished loading, and on Evan's screen he was greeted to a pale skinned boy with long brown hair that went down to his shoulders, his eyes were blue but they had this brown glint to them that really made them stand out and made them so much more mesmerizing. He was wearing a simple black hoodie and the rest of his outfit Evan couldn't see.

The room Evan assumed was High's was messy, to say the least. Evan never understood how people could find what they needed in a mess. That's why he kept everything organized and clean, so if he needed to find anything, he could right away. It was an anxiety thing he couldn't get over. Evan also noticed the contrast of dark colors in High's room, that was mainly dark purple and black for the most part. Evan knew High enjoyed dark colors rather than light ones it made sense to why his room was painted that way.

Holy fuck was he hot or what?

"Um, hi! C-can you hear me o-okay?" Evan asked nervously, adjusting his headphones ever so slightly. He could hear some shuffling around so he took that as a good sign.

"Yeah, you're good. What about me on your end?" High asked, leaning back.

"Yo-you're good too," Evan nodded, confirming that he could hear him quite well. "Why did you w-want to call?"

"Well one, I wanted to see what you looked like, and two, I need to ask you a few other things, and this is the best way to see if you're lying or not," he simply said, shrugging his shoulders.

"O-okay, ask a-away," Evan smiled, shuffling slightly on his bed to get comfortable, waiting for whatever High was about to ask.

High inhaled, staying silent for a moment, before asking, "..Are you suicidal?"

Evan immediately tensed up. He hadn't put much thought into being depressed or suicidal, although he had those thoughts a lot he couldn't possibly be.. right? "I.. I don't know, a-actually... It could be a p-possibility, I do get suicidal thoughts and... a lot of self h-hate..."

High nodded slowly, picking at what appeared to be black nail polish. "Well, have you ever... attempted?"

Evan bit his lip, and he turned his gaze to his cast, although it wasn't planned, it still counted as one. He simply nodded his head. "It's.. s-scary..."

High let out a sigh. "I know the feeling all too well.. Just, wanting it all to end, but yet your anxiety is telling you not to, and you get so afraid.. I dunno, it's a reminder that you're still human I guess, attempting or not.."

"Honestly, it's m-my anxiety holding me b-back from trying a-again.. I'm scared I-I'll fail again.." Evan chuckled meekly, picking at his cast's plaster.

"Well, I'm glad," High smiled at him. "You don't know how much better you've made my life. I.. probably would've attempted again if I didn't know you.."

"Same with m-me. I'm.. so, so a-alone at school, I don't have any f-friends, and I was-well, still kinda- miserable. But, when we started t-talking, I didn't feel as alone a-anymore.." Evan admitted, blushing lightly.

"I wish I could meet you," High admitted. "I can tell no one's signed your cast still, and I really wanna fucking sign it. I.. I want to be by your side... Helping you order food, keeping you company, hell, I even know a few places down here you'd fucking adore and I know it.."

Evan smiled like a complete dork at these things. "That's s-so sweet.. You probably w-wouldn't like to meet me though.. I-I'd be so awkward.."

"Hey, don't put yourself down like that. I prefer awkward over cocky assholes any day," High said. "And like, not to mention you're a fucking amazing guy. Any girl would- fuck how do I phrase this?- well, she'd be pretty lucky to be with a guy like you," High told him, a noticeable blush appearing on his cheeks.

Evan blushed probably more than what he should've, but he couldn't help it. No one except his mom had said this type of stuff to him. "Honestly, t-thank you.."

"Okay, secondly, I need to tell you something really important. I hope it won't weird you out or anything but here it goes.. I really, really like you- and I don't mean that in the friendly way, I mean like- fuck this is harder to explain than I thought. Look.. I'm, head over heels in love with you, man.." High finished.

Evan was in pure shock. He had his hand on his mouth and felt like he could've cried. All that his mind could register was he liked him back. Holy fuck, he never thought he'd see the day his feelings would be returned. He could process words, he moved his hand away from his mouth, revealing a huge smile he was wearing and said hand anxiously ran through his hair.

"Holy f-fuck.. I.. I didn't think you'd l-like me back, so I never said anything.. Oh my god, t-this is incredible!" Evan admitted, watching the brunette's shocked expression turn into a smile.

"Holy shit, you actually like me?" High asked, and Evan nodded to him, he'd proudly admit to it, because now he had nothing else to loose.

"Does this mean we're like.. a thing or..?" High trailed off, and Evan laughed, saying, "Maybe! I t-think We should try."

High smiled at him, "I'd love to date you.. even if it's long distance.."

"Can I a-ask you something?" Evan smiled sheepishly, tugging lightly at his shirt while High responded with a "You can ask me anything you want to."

"What-what's your a-actual name?" Evan asked slowly, as stated earlier, they both kept their names a secret for privacy, but Evan was too curious to contain himself from keeping the question residing in his mind.

"It's Connor. What about you?" High- no, Connor returned his question, gazing at him with a loving gaze.

"I l-like to go by Evan.." Evan hoped that would satisfy him, because who'd want to date a guy with a name like Mark? No one, that's for sure.

"It suits you," Connor stated. "A wonderful name for a wonderful boy."

Evan flushed at his comment. "Well er- it's n-not as beautiful as 'Connor'. It, it fits you, so so well.."

"Are you calling me beautiful?" Connor teased him, and Evan just laughed.

The two ended up chatting for an entire two hours, enjoying whatever they could get out of each other's presence. They were both hopelessly in love, despite distance keeping them apart, they hoped they would one day meet in person.

That would be more than enough for them both.

A/N-I fucking love this AU so much?? I loved writing every second of it,and going over 2000 words better prove it.

Anyways I'm opening up requests! I don't have a lot of ideas so please request so I can keep updating this book! Thanks a ton!

[orionsangel86]

Hey tumblr people, friends, SPN family,

You may have realised that my blog has become the virtual version of tumbleweed rolling through a desert in recent weeks/months. I noticed on checking my blog recently that I have had an influx of new followers which I think is predominantly thanks to a shout out from Shirley (@destieldrabblesdaily) which I am infinitely grateful for because I consider her one of the best blogs in the SPN fandom. It is for that reason among others that I feel pretty damn bad about not being around recently to share in your speculation, meta and general love for the show.

I haven’t said much since the finale, or even about the finale. I never wrote an episode review for any of the last 3 episodes of season 12. (still haven’t seen 12x21 and don’t plan to) I guess I just want to explain why.

In the past few months SPN has been losing its grip on me, I guess I always thought this would happen one day as it always has in the past with other things that I have falling in love and obsession with until I just… well… get over it. Usually its when a show finishes or movie franchise ends though, rather than whilst it’s still going on. I haven’t felt that itchy desire to constantly check my dash, or write meta or obsess over speculation for the show lately at all. I tried re-watching season 12 and I just couldn’t maintain my concentration. I instead started watching other shows – American Gods is fantastic – and getting out a bit more as well. Tumblr kinda sucked me into this pit where my social life pretty much dried up and became non-existent. Though in all fairness, tumblr also got me through a pretty nasty stint of depression.

I keep hoping that this will be temporary, that perhaps when season 13 comes to our screens that I’ll jump right back in, but I’m not so sure. I guess I’ll watch it, but I don’t know how much I’ll participate in fandom in the future. I want to, I still have that desire to get involved but I don’t have the energy or desire to write meta about the actual show right now. I guess I kinda feel like everything is already being said by the other fantastic meta writers on tumblr and my opinion isn’t really needed.

The thing is, I am tired of SPN. I am tired of the game they are playing with us. I say this, knowing full well that they are dangling destiel in front of us like a carrot dangled in front of a donkey, so close but still so far. Eventually we will get our carrot – of this I am almost certain – but they sure as hell will continue to put us through a bunch of utter crap before we get there.

This is what I am fed up with. I did start re-watching season 12 and I just can’t fathom some things that drove me crazy. Like why when we were first introduced to the British men of letters, it was two strong women who ruled the screen, but by the end, it was another two generic white men to add to our already generic white guy cast. They could have written it in so many different ways to how they did.

Billy’s death pissed me off, so did Alesha’s and Tasha’s. By the time they took Eileen from us I was fuming. Then when they went and wrote off Rowena with an off screen death only told to us in description form I had given up.

On top of this they continued to write scenes of non-con, scenes of violence against POC and women that could easily be avoided whilst maintaining suspense and drama, a dodgy plot point centering around a women fighting her right to choose against the white men trying to take that choice away from her, and on top of it all, fucking Lucifer still being a big part of the show when his character should have died at the end of season 11. His entire story this season was so boring I wanted to skip most of his scenes. I hated HATED his character.

I’m sorry to be negative. The show did some wonderful things this year that I am so happy about. Dean’s story arc was wonderful. His confrontation with Mary in 12x22 had me in tears and I screamed FINALLY out loud as he opened up and admitted things that he has kept inside for his whole life. Dean held this whole season together he really did. The emotional plot was wonderful, it’s what kept me around until the finale because I could see Dabb’s plan for the characters emotional development so clearly in the subtext and later text. Well, until 12x19 for Cas because after 12x19 I don’t understand a fucking thing Cas did and I bloody hope he really has been mind wammied by Jack all this time because otherwise it doesn’t make a lick of sense for his character development.

Ultimately, what season 12 did that was GREAT was threefold:

It built up Dean’s emotional development to its climax where he has finally let Sam ‘go’ and admit the years of abuse he suffered under John, as well as admitting that he was a parent to Sam rather than a brother. Dean’s entire story throughout the whole series has been building to this point and it was WONDERFUL to see.

It built up Sam’s story in the same way, in that he was able to finally break free from under Dean’s wing and accept his own responsibility and place in the world as a whole – as a leader and hero – rather than something tainted and wrong. Season 12 signalled the end of Winchester toxic co-dependency and I was HERE FOR THAT.

It gave us destiel. Now, I say this with certainty guys, although I know it is still contested. Consider it my parting gift to you. Destiel is real and we are going there. Season 12 basically gave it to us because it did things that it cannot now backtrack on. I have never been more certain. Even AFTER 8x17, after Dean’s confession, after “He’s in love… with humanity” and “it was all about saving one human” even after 11x19 and our Hunting Husbands, I still had a whole bunch of doubt on the topic. Now though? I don’t see how it is possible to watch 12x10, 12x12, 12x19 and now, the end of 12x23 without being like “hang on a freaking second – what the hell actually is going on with these guys?” Destiel is gonna happen. This is my speculation for you. Cas will be brought back but he will be brought back wrong and probably under Jack’s control and will walk away from Dean – still crying at his feet – all cold and emotionless as if Dean was nothing to him. Dean will then stop at nothing to get him back. I predict that will happen around the mid-season finale and it will be a big moment for destiel. Another 8x17 but more intense perhaps? Another ‘crypt scene’ but this time with a love confession from both sides? Guys I see it. I can’t not see it now. The one thing season 12 did was take away my doubts. Destiel is real and it is happening and I am pretty sure we will get there by end of season 13.

The problem is, this is no longer enough for me. Even if Season 13 starts with Cas coming back to life in some spectacular beauty and the beast moment which ends in a kiss and a cut to their wedding day… its still not enough anymore. I can’t watch this series just for a ship. I can’t keep going for the fucking carrot dangling in front of me when my hoofs are bleeding and raw and my back is breaking from the weight of all the shit I’ve been forced to carry. The carrot isn’t worth it.

I used to adore this show. Not for destiel, but for the stories, the mythology, the characters and their colourful world of Supernatural things. Now, the characters are slowly reaching peak development and I am getting fed up of watching them get beat down. I want them to have their peace, their happy ending. The stories are no longer fresh and exciting. They are Lucifer and his ridiculous Nephilim baby/not baby.

I am also so fed up of Cas’s story not making sense, of him being controlled or brainwashed or forced to do things he hates. Of his absence when it makes no sense (like when Claire is involved and not a word is spoken about him) or of writers writing him so off key that he comes across idiotic. (thanks Bucklemming). I can’t keep watching the writers butcher this character I adore with all my heart.  

I am so so happy for Wayward Sisters and I will support it with all my might. If only because these writers need to UNDERSTAND that they cannot keep killing off the female characters on this show like they mean nothing. Its just heartbreaking to think that we will never get Charlie, Eileen, Rowena, Billy, Alesha or any of the other female characters who have been wrongly killed off in Supernatural join the female cast of this spin off. I’m excited for Wayward Sisters more than I am for Supernatural right now, because Supernatural is just a massive disappointment for me.

I am sorry I feel this way, its been eating at me for a while. I think it’s the reason I have taken this break. I just can’t put all my time and energy into something that feels toxic to me. I live in fanfic at the moment because it is the characters I adore without the awful truth of canon – even if occasionally canon does still give us those fanfic moments – it’s the other moments that are the issue.

*sigh*

I’m sorry. Part of me desperately wants to hold on with all my might, to come back and throw myself into speculation and meta and all the stuff you guys are so awesome at, but another part of me is so so bitter its preventing me from feeling any joy from it.

Maybe when season 13 comes on I’ll forget this post and just start this blog up again. I certainly miss talking to the bloggers on here I consider my friends, I just feel that without contributing to anything I have no purpose on Tumblr, and I don’t want my negativity to affect anyone else. So in the meantime, this is goodbye. I may still visit and reblog stuff occasionally, but I won’t be writing anything for a while. A long while probably.

It’s been fun Tumblr, but from now on consider this an extended hiatus. Perhaps I’ll see you in the Autumn… perhaps this fleeting romance is over for good. I won’t know until I know. As for Supernatural, I have said my bit. Expect Destiel along with a side of bitter disappointment. Wayward Sisters will be amazing though. So long as they don’t let Bob Singer or Bucklemming anywhere near it that is.