#and the swede with his buff ass arms and everything making sure no one so much as looks wrong at skwisgaar

[izzy-b-hands]

Entirely too niche AUs i can't get out of my head but will probably never get done from their current WIP status:

-ed/stede, competitive funeral home directors AU. Someone starts murdering ppl near their side by side buildings and they have to come together with all their various staff members to prove their innocence.

-frenchie/wee john, regional craft fair AU. they find out they can actually make more combining their respective products (a pyramid scheme hidden behind the facade of the clothing and blankets john sews and frenchie helps design. The cat designs are the most popular by far.)

-jim/oluwande, assassins AU. Both assigned to kill stede (who actually put the hit on himself to test his security measures, despite literally everyone telling him it would be a bad idea), and too competitive to work together (at first) they end up spending more time trying to take out each other than stede (who starts thinking he's just really really good at avoiding assassins. he is not.)

-buttons/izzy, sea monster hunter AU. In that buttons is the sea monster hunter, izzy is the ship captain (aka he has a decentish boat and charges ppl to take them wherever nearby or fishing or shit. usually tourists that insist on making him pretend to be a pirate bc the boat is an older style. He does it for the tips he gets, but a part of his soul dies with every 'arrr.) stede and everyone else are a cryptid hunting show crew out for the same sea monster. Things get interesting when buttons reveals he wishes to court the monster, and the show crew reveal they've been given a government grant to try and either A. kill and bring back the creature's body (none of them want to do this one) or B. cut off enough of the body to leave it able to survive but to serve as proof of it (they don't really wanna do this one either tbh. they just wanna take pics of it and stuff. maybe pet it, give it a hug and a fish.) As that progresses, izzy starts to fear never making it back to shore alive and buttons finds there might actually be at least one human he does like in the same way he likes the sea monster.

-there's more but the post is already long so I'll end it here. plus they aren't any less dumb than these lmaooo