#and the song literally came out YESTERDAY on an album that's being released on march 10th

[sun-undone]

if anyone's looking for the song that plays during the jiara reunion hug in 3x02 it's "Sold out of Love" by The Nude Party and it fucking slaps oh my GOD

as soon as lyrics come out, expect me to scream about them to no end (yes i need official lyrics, i can only be sure about like half of them rn and i wanna make sure it's all accurate before clowning)

[smolie]

in december i wrote a 2020 year music review for myself that i intended to post here BUT...because i was infamously restricted twice last year, i didn’t bother since you wouldn’t be able to read it anyway because it was not possible to view my blog hjfdhfd

now that my restricted era is (hopefully forever) over i just want to post it here for the sake of completion since i want to do the same thing this year

this is really long so if you actually read it ... idk you are insane in the membrane and i love you... but i genuinely don’t expect anyone to read this hjfdhjf i just like reflecting on the music i have listened to and be able to look back on what i enjoyed in certain stages of my life! okiiii bye 💗

january

mac miller - circles (album) it’s a bit funny that i worried putting my thoughts down about this album and now it turns out to be first on the list, chronologically of course … oh bittersweet irony </3 listening to this album is such a double edged sword, either way i am always hit with a truckload of feelings when i turn to this release.

this album came to me in a time of my life where i was slowly but surely sliding down towards rock bottom again just after i got out of it and thought i was okay. the times i’ve listened to this crying in the bathtub with a glass of wine….girl let’s not lol…. it’s almost strange how much i can relate to the thoughts another person brought to paper. the comfort this album brings me is otherworldly, i feel so understood by mac’s words and it’s my go-to “wallow in self-pity for a bit then come out stronger than before” album. then again, i feel a little sting when any of mac’s songs come on shuffle. a friend of mine said she cannot listen to artists who have passed because it feels too strange and most of the time i agree but this time, it’s so so different. this album would have been mac’s salvation, i can feel it. everything would have been a bit brighter and lighter for him after this, it would have had to be. i feel like i would do him a disservice if i did not listen to this album, so i will cherish this final gift from him as his legacy and my comfort. i miss him incredibly and am all the more thankful he shared his heart with us.

album favs: circles, good news, surf

tiny meat gang - broke bitch (single) MAN I TELL THAT BROKE BITCH IF YOU WANNA GET IN TUNE BETTER CHANGE YOUR WHOLE PITCH LIKE WOAH !!!!!!!!!! did that give you whiplash? hehe funny to say this about a song called broke bitch by a duo called tiny meat gang but this song actually means a lot to me! it came out shortly before their show in berlin and i almost exclusively listened to it on my 7+ hours train ride from one side of the country to the other to see my meat boys. this played out of the fat ass speakers at the venue when they stepped on the stage and i will never forget meeting them :’) also the song fucking slaps obviously

february

loona - [#] (mini album) ah yes, the most controversial loona release to date! i’m not gonna lie and say this sounded anything like i expected it to. but also, i have come to terms with the fact that loona release noise music now and personally i am here for it. why not did not have the endless energy of hi high or otherworldly vibe of butterfly, but it’s a hype song and i am always there for hype. i also have to say the b-sides were not as strong for me as on previous releases but i think i have to come to peace with the fact that loona will never top their debut mini for me. though if i can wish for one thing…… let loona have title tracks with a chorus in 2021? pls? crumbs?

album favs: so what, oh (yes i am)

tame impala - the slow rush (album) *lights cigarette* i’m listening to pretty underground music….i don’t think you’ve heard of this band….they are called tame impala *intro of the less i know the better starts playing* yes i am a basic white bitch and listen to like 3 alternative bands but damn i listen to them religiously. like any other basic bitch on this planet i found out about tame impala through the less i know the better and checked out their music. i wasn’t too much into this album as i was into currents but towards the end of the year, i was in a moody alternative music slump that took me back to this album and i like it a lot more now! most importantly, tame impala fulfills my primitive urge to listen to songs that exceed the 4 minute mark. something clicks in my brain when i see a song that is like 6:34 and chances that it ends up as one of my faves on a album are high. i enjoy tiktok like everyone else but this trend of 2:50 long songs needs to be stopped immediately.

album favs: borderline, lost in yesterday, it might be time, is it true, posthumous forgiveness

honorary mentions: onlyoneof - dOra maar, everglow - dundun

march

nct 127 - neo zone (album) ah, yes. the album that fundamentally changed me as a person <3 i’ve been listening to nct for a while, matter of fact i checked my top tracks 2019 playlist on spotify and cherry bomb was on there lol. i remember trying to get into them in 2018 when they released their regular-irregular album but the endless member & unit concept scared me off, so i only listened to a handful of songs without looking into them march 2020, the fateful month in which they released kick it and screencaps of jaehyun’s sexy ass tiddies in the kick it mv landed on my tumblr or twitter and i HAD to look up who this man is…...remember when i thought jaehyun was my ult for like, 2 weeks? me neither, johnny suh only in this house <3

anyway, i checked out this album and by god, is this pure kpop perfection. last time i listened to a god tier no skip album like this was … maybe the perfect red velvet? hype songs, well crafted ballads, love songs that make me wanna learn the lyrics, genuinely fun and interesting pop songs, this album has it all. somehow, the way this album is crafted greatly reminds me of brown eyed girls’ sound-g, it has the same vibe, concept and mix of genres to me, i’m not entirely sure how to explain. anyway, this album is one of my favorites of all time and even though i’ve obsessively listened to it (lastfm says 1.4k scrobbles as of today, december 7th…) i am still not tired of this. i recommend this to anyone who loves kpop tbh, you will have a good time with this!

other than being just a musically solid album, the emotional ties i have with this are …. isabel stop making albums your emotional support 2021 challenge. i’ve listened to this release all spring lockdown, this basically played at every waking hour for all of march and april. the promotion time of this era and lockdown are deeply intertwined for me and so i am always remembered of all the nct content i consumed during that time which inevitably cheered me up so much. this album really means a lot to me :’)

album favs: kick it, mad dog, love song, boom

honorary mentions: itzy - wannabe,

the weeknd - after hours (album) my dear melchanoly, was one of my favorite releases of 2018, so i had been desperate for a new release by abel and boy did he not disappoint. the perfect thotty, dirty emo 80s, making it clap while crying in the club album! this is a no skip from top to bottom and all i can say is that the grammys can go to hell <3 abel aoty! there is really not much i can say about this album, the flawless production, lyrics and sound speak for themself. my only criticism is that i feel overwhelmed by 14 songs, especially when some of them are really long. a few songs greatly overshadow the weaker tracks on the album for me but i still love this to death.

album favs: escape from LA, blinding lights, after hours, faith

dua lipa - future nostalgia (album) after the weeknd’s masterpiece of an 80s inspired pop album i was really looking forward to this. i greatly enjoyed the pre-releases, i played don’t start now and physical up and down, they are still some of my favorite songs released this year! when i first listened to the album i really liked it, songs like boys will be boys or pretty please sound like fillers to be but the rest is solid. yet a month after release you couldn’t catch me listening to this and i cannot even really tell you why. i think it was a combination of the following: 1) i greatly overplayed dsn and physical to the point where i didn’t want more of the pop 80s sound that the album has 2) there were other releases at the time that caught my attention and interest more like neo zone or after hours 3) dua herself….girl….she really gave it her all this year to make herself as unlikeable as possible. nationalist propaganda and the constant traveling during a fucking pandemic were really the kicker. i can barely stand seeing her on my instagram feed anymore, much less listen to her album. her having the nerve to go “we’re in a pandemic lol” when people asked about an animated music video …. if you don’t shut the hell up lmao … also, she takes the crown for the corniest album opener of all time. i nearly closed spotify when i heard future nostalgia (the song) lmao

album favs: don’t start now, physical, levitating, hallucinate

honorary mentions: megan thee stallion - savage

april

apink - dumhdurum (song)

listen, i’m not gonna sit here and pretend like this mini album interested me in the slightest but god, the title is such a banger.i’m so sick, eung eung and dumhdurum are a holy trilogy that i will defend until the end of time! i really hope apink stick to this mature, elegant concept, it suits them so well and goes well with their new sound. come back soon queens <3

rina sawayama - xs (song) i feel like i’m gonna catch some hands here … xs is an absolute banger, the guitar riffs and disruptive sounds really get me going every damn time! but the rest of the album … tell me why it doesn’t catch me?! i literally cannot explain. i need to take an hour, sit down and do nothing but listen to the album from top to bottom once again and see if my thoughts change but right now i only care about xs.

chungha - stay tonight (song) drama! vocals! dance break! choreography! this release served it all. i listened to this obsessively during the time of the release and it still holds up today. can we talk about the run chungha had with gotta go > snapping > stay tonight? lord have mercy.

honorary mentions: april - lalalilala, nct dream - ridin’

may

lady gaga - chromatica (album) the immense disappointment i have in this album is tough to put into words lol. any other artist might have gotten away with this release but gaga having the discography that she has, well … she doesn’t get away with it. this has underwhelming all over it. i enjoyed the pre-releases and my hope was high but the rest just doesn’t live up what i expected, i can’t even say why. it’s just underwhelming pop for someone of gaga’s calibre. i listened to this album during release week and then never again till december to write this list and i can see why.

album favs: rain on me, sour candy ft. blackpink, stupid love

baekhyun - delight (mini album) it’s confession time … this is a name i never would have expected on any of my music lists to end up. exo has always been one of those boy groups i casually listened to. i greatly enjoy their title tracks and a handful of side tracks, i have a few members that i keep an eye on more than others but that’s about it. baekhyun was never one of those members i had any interest in, matter of fact i always thought he was kinda vanilla and boring 😭 i didn’t even plan on listening to this release if it wasn’t for his association with superm and thus nct, so i gave it a shot and we have no choice but to stan. his voice is like butter and can cut sharp at the same time, his versatility is insane. i dived a bit more into baekhyun related content and he is so likeable, it’s almost ridiculous. this production is absolute god tier, not a single skip on this mini. late spring/early summer i had this weird urge to listen to songs with mellow voices but still a banger instrumental and i wholeheartedly blame this release. matter of fact, this album is so good, i had to buy a physical copy. Y’ALL. THIS IS A BIG DEAL. i haven’t bought a kpop album of anyone that’s not holy top 3 (brown eyed girls, loona, nct) in like … idk, 5 years?! baekhyun’s impact. i’m a fan now <3

album favs: candy, r u ridin’?, love again

ak aussenkontrolle - in meinem benz (song) this … is very unrelated to this entirely list but i had to put it on here. i miss my ex boss and our 3 hour drives to meetings in the south of the country where we would blast trashy german rap music </3

nct 127 - neo zone: the final round (repackage) *airhorns* REEEPACKAGE TIIIIIME!!! my first nct era that i experienced from start to finish! i remember watching nct 127’s beyond live with luna where these mfs performed punch and we finished the concert having no idea what this song sounded like. the structure is so unusual and the intro catches me off-guard every time just to hype me up beyond compare. not gonna lie, the fact that johnny has exactly one (1) line hurts but! it’s my favorite line of the entire song! possibly related to the fact that it’s his line but let’s ignore that ….

album favs: punch, make your day

kim woo seok - red moon (song) i’m not even gonna lie to you. i have not a single idea who this man is. you could put him right in front of me and i wouldn’t know … all i know is that he has a banger song. i saw him perform this on a music show that i watched for nct and i ended up loving the song … thanks for your service sir, whoever you are ...

june

stray kids - go live (album) 2020 was kind of the year of boy groups for me, i’m so sorry … stray kids promoted simultaneously with nct 127 so i ended up hearing their title track and holy hell, is that a song. god’s menu is hype from start to finish. it reminds me of good ol’ 2nd gen noise boy group song a lá b*g b*ng fantastic baby. just pure hype and fun noise. i am forever grateful to witness the birth of the line cooking like a chef, i’m a five star michelin. the title track impressed me so much that i ended up checking out the entire album which i rarely ever do with boy groups and what is even rarer is that i enjoyed the b sides lmao!!! it’s not an album that i would put on and just enjoy from start to finish but it has some really solid tracks! this release made me want to keep an eye on stray kids, they seem like a really fun bunch.

album favs: god’s menu, TA, airplane

seventeen - left & right (song) the boy group run continues … same thing with stray kids, seventeen promoted during punch era so i heard their song while watching some music station show for nct and i heard this and was sold. solid, fun pop with the catchiest pre-chorus in history and a banger chorus. i listened to the entire mini and can’t say it really caught my interest so this is a title track only release for me.

dishonorary mentions: twice - more & more (i hate this song so much lol)

honorary mentions: ryu sejeong - tiger eyes, monsta x - fantasia, chloe x halle - do it

july

irene & seulgi - monster (mini) this is a weird release because it’s good. the title track is fun enough, the b sides are dope. but my issue with this is that it’s nothing new. this sounds exactly like a red velvet release. i get that they didn’t want to a  joy, seulgi, irene, yeri release only and went for the sub-unit route instead, but why not be experimental and stray away from the usual sound of the group? also, whoever made monster and not naughty the title track deserves to be spat on. at least the choreography here is more interesting and “experimental” for kpop standards. also, why only a seulgi solo and no irene? i have no idea how reveluvs reacted to this release but this has rushed written all over it.

album favs: monster, naughty (i’m counting this to the mini idc), uncover

exo-sc - 1 billion views (mini) doing my part as a filthy casual exo listener. this release goes in the same category as baekhyun’s delight where i like the album so much that i HAD to get a physical copy. i don’t know what they put in the title track for it to be so diddly darn addictive but it clearly worked. the only bad thing about this release is how criminally mismanaged it was by sm, when i get you lee sooman ...

album favs: 1 billion views, on me, say it

baekhyun - garden in the air (song) i told you i’m a loyal baekhyun fan now <3 king releases and i listen, that’s just how it goes now! this is a cover of a boa song and i really love his version. there is not much to say except that it’s a really smooth song and his voice absolutely carries the track. i enjoyed this much more than i thought i would!

hyoyeon - dessert (song) YOU KNOW WHAT I DESERVE??? DESSERT!!!!!!! *insert tik tok challenge here* imagine if miryo featured on this instead of the ethnic hip girl … why can’t we have nice things. anyway, a banger!

johnny - sunny side up episode 1 set (spotify playlist, actual set) johnny being the skilled, talented, multi-faceted king that he is has been dj-ing since before debut (not me acting like i was around at that time lmao) and thus he decided to bless our quarantined, lockdowned asses with an online dj set! that was the most turned up sunday morning i ever had in my entire life. this set kicked off an edm/house/techno affinity that i had for the following couple of weeks. this set is an absolute banger, i would go insane to this in the club. he has an amazing ear for transitions and drops and i still just put on this set on the regular when i have cleaning to do or so. he could fill the void that rona and thus no clubbing in 2020 left in my heart and i’m so happy he decided to share this with us <3 now … john … sunny side up episode 2 pspspspspsps

honorary mentions: gfriend - apple, jessi - nunu nana

august

cardi b ft. megan thee stallion - wap (song) late summer 2021. we are vaccinated, icu beds are free, barely any new cases, clubs are open, this song plays and i can finally make it fucking clap.

troye sivan - in a dream (mini album) a cute mini album! nothing life-changing or as exciting as previous releases but easy (haha!) to enjoy. i really, really enjoy easy, can always count on troye for a dreamy sound.

album favs: easy

honorary mentions: itzy - not shy

september

wonho - love synonym pt. 1: right for me (mini album) honestly? i know like, 3 monsta x songs. i never bothered to get into them and maybe i never will, but it was difficult to ignore the whole wonho & monsta x mess that went on. i have absolutely no memory of why i decided to check out this release, i guess i was curious what he was going to do and … i was positively surprised lol. open mind is the exact time of song i had been so desperate all summer (remember mellow vocals with banger instrumentals? yeah) and uhm … can’t ignore the obvious … mr wonho is fucking fine. sir, you just gained a fan … now, where is love synonym part 2?? huh?????

album favs: open mind, i just, losing you

joji - nectar (album) this one is on tiktok. i heard gimme love in a bunch of tiktoks and had to look up the song and here we are. what an album! it came right as seasonal depression started to hit and accompanied me for a good chunk of autumn. at this point one has to ask if joji can ever really miss? the entire album is a no skip, it’s almost difficult to narrow down my favorites if my favorites weren’t so damn god tier!!!

album favs: gimme love, ew, tick tock, pretty boy, your man

super m - tiger inside / 100 / drip (songs) okay, listen. technically tiger inside & 100 were already released in august. instead of those three songs i was gonna write about the entire album until i realized i really don’t give a fuck about it 😭 i really only care about those three songs. and YES, i unironically like 100. is it a good song? no. but neither is jopping and that fucking bangs. i don’t turn to superm for life-changing, profound music, i turn to them for a good time LOL and that’s what they deliver every time! that being said, taeyong’s VROOM VROOM, UHMM UHMM, GRRRAHHHH verse is life-changing and profound! speak your truth king! also i wish drip was a b side for nct 127 that song is so damn sexy

taemin - never gonna dance again act 1 (album) this isn’t kpop, this is taemin pop. taemin never misses and the fact that hw*s* won dance performance over taemin is a literal hate crime. i will never forget the industry for this daylight robbery … anyway, nice album!!!!

album favs: criminal, black rose, waiting for

stray kids - in life (repackage) *airhorns* REPACKAGE TIIIIME 2.0!!!! i was on the edge of my seat waiting what stray kids were going to deliver after i greatly enjoyed god’s menu. i was still not over listening god’s menu when the repackage came out so i didn’t listen to it right away and now i greatly regret the few days i could have listened to back door earlier </3

album favs: back door, any

jackson wang - pretty please (song) i’m not gonna pretend like i ever listened to a song by jackson ever before. he is short king from got7 in my head and that’s all! i don’t even remember why i listened to this song but all i know is that it slaps severely. i love the wong kar wai inspired music video and the choreography is fun too! i’m gonna check out more of his music <3

honorary mentions: fromis9 - feel good, knk - ride

october

blackpink - the album (album, duh) i don’t even know what to say about this … this might be the weirdest release on the list for me. there are song i absolutely fucking hate (ice cream …) and songs i get my life to (pretty savage) on here and the discrepancy just gives me massive whiplash. i would never put this album on and listen to the whole body of work, i just cannot with the brain damage it gives me. i am still stuck in 2016, begging for bp to release music like whistle/boombayah/stay/playing with fire but i think i need to give up on that wishful thinking … i am just grateful we a got a title track with actual lyrics in the chrous for once.

album favs: pretty savage, lovesick girls

nct - nct 2020 resonance pt. 1 (album) this era was … a ride. nct 2020 happening was near inevitable but with covid it got pushed back so far, i started to believe it wasn’t even going to happen. i was semi-terrified of what was going to happen during a comeback with 21 (now 23!!) member group since i only experienced nct 127 comebacks so far and uhh … a LOT happened lmfao but let’s keep this about the album … i had no idea what was going to hit me. johnny having effectively 3 lines in nct 2018 did not give me much hope and after he got denoted to no line treatment in punch again, i was ready to not even have any expectation but this release changed everything. make no mistake that most of my favorite songs are units with johnny, we knew that was gonna happen lmaooo they dropped the teaser video for misfit and i thought i had my favorite song in the bag and then faded in my last song happened. y’all. JOHNNY SINGS? LIKE? ACTUALLY SINGS? DOESN’T GET FORCED TO RAP OR TALK-SING? MY MAN’S VOCALS??? OH MY GAAAAHD! this song is dramatic, theatrical, emo, it serves vocals and rap, it has catchy english and korean lyrics, this is THE song, the ULTIMATE song. i love this song so much, i want to belt it on top of my lungs in the pouring rain. apart from fimls, i also loveeee misfit, that was to be expected after i was going completely insane over the track video. johnny has like 3 lines but again they are iconic (WARNIN’! NCT WE MOBBIN’!) and i just enjoy the track too much to be upset over that. nectar. holy fuck. nectar!!!! wayv never disappoints with their thotty songs, they now have an absolute god tier hoe-ly song trinity with love talk > bad alive > nectar. the first chorus and hendery’s first verse (CHOP CHOP CHOP!) get me every time, this song is so insanely good i am severely upset i cannot sing along to it :( music, dance has nct 127 written all over it in bold letters, it’s so inherently 127’s sound!!!! i love this song so much, it’s so fun, upset and has massive dance-ability, i wish we had gotten a stage for it but i guess you can’t have everything in life </3 make a wish……………………………..the cursed unit. i don’t want to say anything about this except that, unfortunately, the song is fun and i enjoy it. the end. overall, this album is so insanely solid. i know i talk about my favorites A LOT but i genuinely do not dislike a single song on here, this is an absolute no skip album! that’s it. see you for resonance part 2!!!!!

album favs: FADED IN MY LAST SONG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, misfit, nectar, music dance, make a wish

loona - 12:00 (mini album) controversial loona release 2.0! i don’t know what it is, but somehow they managed to lace the words di da dam di dam di dam dam dam dam di dam (yeah) with pure crack. i fucking love why not, i would even go as far to say it’s my 2nd favorite title track. that is right, i think it’s better than butterfly (btw: hi high > why not > butterfly > so what). so much was strange this comeback, from the inexplicable concept + teasers, the outfits, the styling (yves….i mourn your hot girl era) but the title track is just SO good, SO fun, SO catchy that i am willing to ignore it all. i also enjoy the b sides much more than on #, they are much more memorable to me. and now … HASEUL RETURN…………….i purely live to see the next loona comeback at this point

album favs: why not, voice, universe

twice - i can’t stop me (song) thank fuck twice released a good song this year. if more & more had been the only 2020 release, that would have been the real tragedy. not gonna lie, i still haven’t listened to the full album, it just keeps slipping my mind. but! i’m going to! until then i’m gonna bop to i can’t stop me.

ariana grande - positions (album) the way this album has people upset is so funny. i am a huge dangerous woman fan myself, it’s my fave ariana album to date but she has said repeatedly that this is not the sound she is striving for. now she has her coin and can do whatever she wants in music and if that is r’n’b then fuck! we have to live with it! lmao! i can live with the sex theme of the album because it’s delivered in a fun way? but it’s getting a bit old...if the next album is about riding dick only too idk how much i would enjoy that. i would probably always come back to ari because i like her voice so much but girl, there are other topics to sing about, i promise! anyway! i like this album, it’s one of those where i can hit shuffle and enjoy it in the background while doing other stuff.

album favs: positions, 34 + 35, love language, my hair, pov

tiny meat gang - sofia (song) ayyy, it’s my meat boys :’) ending the year the same way they started it, with a banger! i absolutely love the guitar instrumental, the melancholic love song type sound paired with the theme of singing about loving a robot … yup, that’s creativity and talent right here! this makes me so freaking desperate for a new ep and i genuinely have no idea how far or close we are to one but!!! i am always waiting!!!

noel - push (ep) this is something i absolutely did not expect. noel (of tiny meat gang!) released his first ep ever and i was absolutely wowed. noel has it all, the voice, the talent, the creativity and all it took him was the confidence to finally put something out and i’m so happy he did. he gets real personal on bus back, more than ever before and i always get a bit emo listening to this track </3 this man is gonna go places and i’m so happy to witness his journey.

album favs: crow, head sunk, bus back

honorary mentions: sam smith - diamonds

november

taemin - never gonna dance again act 2 (album) i’m gonna say it. idea is better than criminal. the chorus drop???? when he goes MY AH AH  MY AH AH MY AH MY IDEA MY MY IDEAAAAAA A-A-A A-A-A???? bitch … tell me you can sit still, i won’t believe you. i like part 2’s title track more, but part 1’s b sides are more interesting to me. either way, taemin delivered as expected!!

album favs: idea, impressionable, exclusive

nct - nct 2020 resonance pt. 2 (album) part two, baby! we made it! part 2 had more mellow, ballad-y songs with my everything, i.o.u. and all about you, overall less drama than part 1 but i still enjoyed it. work it is one of those controversial songs where you despise it with your entire being or you defend this top tier noise till the end and i am absolutely the latter. the agony of not being able to listen to it and seeing the timeline so divided nearly killed me, but i have concluded that people who hate work it have never felt joy in their life <3 honestly my opinion cannot be counted because i eat up anything johnny participates in … biased ass… what i’m not gonna talk about is resonance (the song), this absolute mess of a “remix”. the audacity sm had to release this as a single is insane. anyway!! this era was a rollercoaster ride. all the interactions truly made me interested in members of other units more. hendery (the rise and fall …), yangyang my beautiful son, jeno aka blue hair guy, chenle the chaos kid and xiaojun after he made make a wish his bitch in particular! all the interactions between the units were so fun to witness and it was fun while it lasted but i am … so glad it’s over lol. i miss nct 127, i miss some peace, i hope the boys get to rest for a bit and so does my bank account.

album favs: work it, 90s love, i.o.u., raise the roof

miley cyrus - plastic hearts (album) not in a thousand years would i have expected a miley release to be on here. this girl does everything to be absolutely unlikeable in my eyes but after severely banging out to her heart of glass cover, i was really excited for this and it did not disappoint. what is disappointing is that it took her so long to find a sound that fits her like a glove. i believe many people miss out on this release after her previous history and i nearly would have done the same. this alt/rock influenced pop does her voice so many favors and i really hope she sticks to this direction, i love this album greatly!!

album favs: heart of glass, midnight sky, night crawling ft. billy joel, wtf do i know

kai - kai (mini album) just. imagine debuting with an album like that. lol. what a god tier big dick move. we all knew whatever this release was gonna be, above all it was going to be sexy and boy were we RIGHT!!!! mmmh is exactly as thotty as i needed it to be and the b sides give me everything from r’n’b to trap. i love this release and i love that it’s only the beginning of kai! like!! he is only gonna gain even more experience and become even more powerful!! what the fuck!!!!!

album favs: mmmh, ride or die, hello stranger, nothing on me

honorary mentions. gfriend - mago

december

nothing? wtf?? 😭 no interesting release happened,,,,half the time i listened to christmas songs anyway lol

pre 2020 releases i only found this year

mgmt - little dark age (album, 2018) & oracular spectactular (album, 2007) another tiktok serve. i found little dark age through a tiktok trend and ended up really liking mgmt. they fit perfectly into my autumn/winter moody alt/rock mood that i had going on and i’m happy they have so much more music that i can check out!

artist favs: little dark age, electric feel, time to pretend

tame impala - currents (album, 2015) everyone’s favorite basic alt bitch album! i enjoyed this more than the slow rush for a good chunk of time, it also fit right into my alt rock autumn mood. i really love this album, like previously mentioned it has my favorite long ass tracks on there but also a good amount of short or medium long tracks. i’m still busy enjoying currents and the slow rush but i can’t wait till i finally take the leap to dive into their other releases because i’m loving everything i’ve heard so far.

album favs: the less i know the better, let it happen, new person same old mistakes

joji - ballads 1 (2018) after liking nectar so much, checking joji out was a given and i just love this album. only when i listened to this i realized i heard slowly dancing in the dark a few times on tiktok lmao that cursed app man … i would say i love nectar a bit more but this is still a fantastic album!!

album favs: slowly dancing in the dark, attention, test drive, yeah right

jus2 - focus (mini album, 2019) in my “mellow moody bangers” phase i was scouring playlists for more songs and i think i found focus on me first which fitted right into the niche i was looking to fill and i ended up enjoy this whole release! only later i realized this is a sub-unit from got7 lmao how come i enjoy solo or unit releases by got7 members but their group discography never interested me? anyway, very sexy ep!

album favs: drunk on you, focus on me, love talk

knk - sunset (song, 2019) part of my mellow bangers playlist. very sexy, i can imagine this as a runway song! i have no idea who knk are but given the fact i enjoyed two of their songs so far maybe i should look into them lol

baekhyun - city lights (mini album, 2019) i am repenting for my sins of missing out on baekhyun releases by consuming his music at an exorbitant rate. un village is one hell of a title track that i didn’t appreciate before, but i feel like in 2020 my music interests started to vary and i love the groovy r’n’b and string sound of this song so much. i also love stay up to death, the vocals baekhyun serves here are unreal. his BABY WE CAN STAY UP!!!!!!! gets me every single time!!!! what a mini!

album favs: un village, stay up

mac miller - swimming (album, 2018) i’ve listened to this album before 2020 but i had the urge to put this on here. this is going to sound so corny, but if i had to pick one song to be my life’s title track, it would be ladders. the hope this song gives me is unreal, it feels like a light at the end of the tunnel. this album is so fantastic, i love the upbeat instrumentals paired with sometimes gloomy lyrics are so incredible, mac was truly one of the greatest artists of our time. this album is  so outstanding and i miss him every day.

album favs: ladders, jet fuel, 2009, self care, perfecto

doja cat - hot pink (album, 2019) i can never decide if i like doja or not but the album slaps lol that’s it come on tiktok queen

album favs: say so, juicy, like that, streets

my fav 2020 playlists

slapping mellow

neo culture technology

malcolm

why go to therapy when this playlist exists?

top songs 2020

(by spotify)

[toyahinterviews]

TOYAH TALKS SHEP FARMING IN BARNET WITH PHIL MARRIOTT 13.11.2020

PHIL: I'm so thrilled to be with Toyah Willcox on zoom! How are you? TOYAH: Woooo! I'm OK. It's really good to see you. I haven't seen many people in the last seven months so it's so good to see you! PHIL: I was just going to say – likewise. The last time I saw you was at Wise Buddha, a studio just off Oxford Street in Central London and we could see each other face to face TOYAH: That was about 18 months ago PHIL: I know! How have you been? TOYAH: I'm really good. Well, I'm really confused because I live in a market town, on a square, one High Street and I'm bang in the middle of all of this. I have a chemist next door, we did have a bank next door but we bought it and that's now our offices. So I'm looking outside my window and there is all normality. There's no sign of any kind of lockdown and I'm wondering if I'm being lied to because I've got people on park benches, drinking coffee, talking to everyone, eating and I'm thinking “I thought this was a lockdown!” I'm so confused! PHIL: It's crazy, isn't it? I went past a bar yesterday and they were walking in and out and my partner said "hang on a minute! It's meant to be lockdown!" I think it was take-away, it just felt like normality, it just felt normal. It's weird TOYAH: This feels normal. None of that terror of last April. Everyone's just having a lovely time out there and I'm thinking someone's played a joke on me because I've been indoors for so long PHIL: We do need it though, don't we … By the way I've been loving your lockdown shows every Saturday. It's been a real ritual. I've been pottering around and then I've been switching onto your Toyah At Home show on Saturday morning TOYAH: Oh, thank you PHIL: It's been fantastic, really enjoyed those. And they've been really honest as well because you've been talking about your life and feeling nostalgic and talking about what's happening at the moment and we don't normally get to see that – you walking around your house, showing things in your house, your books. It's been brilliant 

TOYAH: I'm going to keep it up because normally on my working year I'm running an office. I run the band, I run the record side of things, I run the gigs – booking them and I never get time for any of that so it's been fantastic for me and for my husband Robert. We've been kind of been able to address what fans need

That might sound silly because fans just need to see you live and (to) do your music – well, lockdown has proven much more than that. I'm going to try and keep it going and try and prioritise the connection we've made with the fans and stop prioritising the ridiculous amount of bureaucracy we both have to deal with. So it's been great on that level it's been a fantastic year! PHIL: It's been really good for the fans as well like you say because they really appreciate it because they're feeling a bit lonely and isolated and it's good to have that company as well, isn't it? TOYAH: It's been shocking. We do a lot of celebrity messaging. We were a bit doubtful about it at first. We thought "oh gosh is this a step too far?" It's been a absolute joy and occasionally you get the odd message from someone saying "I'm so desperate, I'm so alone, can you just say something to help shake this blackness off me" We've really really loved every minute of doing these messages and also realising that our broadcasts have a deeper meaning than just us going "look at us". It's all become so much deeper and that is beautiful. It's affected my writing. The new album Posh Pop is really deep, it's really passionate and it really rocks and that could only have happened because of this exceptional year   PHIL: We have to talk about Sheep Farming In Barnet. I can't believe it's 40 years TOYAH: Look what I've got! (Waves the box set about) PHIL: I know! I can't wait to see that TOYAH: This is an exclusive! PHIL: Amazing! TOYAH: It only arrived two days ago 

PHIL: It's new images as well isn't it, like you've shown there, new photographs that we've not seen before. This is an album that was released in 1979 as an AP – an Alternative Play (above) and then it was released as an album in 1980 so you're obviously celebrating the 40th anniversary. What are you memories of this though because obviously a lot of stuff gets forgotten about. You've got a very good memory I have to say, watching your Toyah At Home videos. You seem to remember a lot of detail. Do you remember detail of that period? TOYAH: It's shockingly bad. My wonderful archive manager and he designed this, Craig Ashley, designed with Alan Sawyers – he writes a essay about each project. We're already onto Blue Meaning and then we're onto Anthem so we're 12 months ahead. We put this (Sheep) to bed three months ago. My memories were jogged by an essay that Craig had to send me. He knows more about my life than I do. He prompted my memory with this astonishing essay that's in here (shows the boxset) I thought "I did that?! I did that ?! Oh my God!" This is a long time ago this album but what I will say about it – I've always remembered that I think it's the one of the most relevant, one of the most original, ingenious albums of that period and it's never had that credit. Cherry Red (the record company) have really taken this on board and they are giving it the 100%. It's a beautiful album. There's a beautiful innocence but there's also so many pathways we opened for other people with this album. It's a fun album. It's a real danceable album. It's about youthful energy. It's beautiful and it's a side of punk that isn't that well known. It's great. I adore this album 

PHIL: So this album was recorded – correct me if I'm wrong – Chappel Studios, New Bond Street wasn't it, in Central London - TOYAH: Yes! PHIL: Which is now the Mulberry store. There's something about quite poignant about that – it should always be that studio I guess but what are your memories of recording there? Do you have many memories of you actually recording it? TOYAH: Next door was Chanel and Hermes and I just pooh pooed them “Who wants to spend that on a handbag?” I don't want to spend half a million quid on a silk scarf. If only I knew, hindsight is a beautiful thing. The studio was upstairs, very very traditional. Almost old fashioned because the studio was a song writer's studio. There was quite a few studios in the corridor I was in. We were one of the first punk acts to go in. I found the whole recording process in this particular instance very difficult because we now know I sing without headphones on. I cannot do that (puts hands over ears) It just affects me emotionally. So this took about four albums to discover that. Steve James, our producer, realised that he was going to get the best performance out of me if he just put speakers in the room and I performed as live. That was a learning curve - it was a big learning curve. So the first songs we recorded - for me – were emotionally quite tough  because I was just trying to learn how to work within this dead space. Recording studios – if you haven't been in one – have no sound reflection.

So we've got sound reflection here, I'm surrounded by mirrors, I can hear myself speak but in a studio it's a dead sound. It's really difficult to form notes in that kind of sound so … You asked me what was the experience like? It was a major learning curve of dealing with working within dead sound. Now, if I'm acting and I'm in a studio there's nothing more beautiful than dead sound because it makes you forget about the camera. So it was very very enlightening, it was energetic, we were an energetic team I think it was challenging for the whole band because Keith Hale was brought in as an arranger and that was frustrating for Pete Bush who is the main keyboard player on this album and he felt very threatened by that. But all this rather glorious usurp thing and power play is the result of this album. That and the fact that we honed every song in front of a live audience, which is such a privileged thing to so. We would do these incredible long encores that were as along as the actual show because the audience would never let us go We would run out of songs so we'd start to play them stuff we were formulating in soundcheck and this is how we came up with these glorious arrangements because we knew what affected the audience before we went into the recording studio. That is something that all young writers should have the privilege to do today because to watch an audience affected by a bridge or a chorus – you just know what you need to do as a songwriter. So much of today happens away from a live audience and this is all about live audience work. It was magnificent PHIL: The album title itself – it still raises eyebrows today, doesn't it? Sheep Farming In Barnet. It's one of those really distinctive album titles that really stand out -

TOYAH: I know! Well, I lived in Barnet and bang in the middle of this urban kind of chaos with the A406 was a field with sheep in it and I just thought   "sheep farming in Barnet?" So I wanted to call the album something that didn't relate to an emotion and didn't relate to another song. I wanted something completely out there. This is me (show the album cover) having broken in to Fylingdales - the early warning system - where they had sheep grazing and when we broke in we found an awful lot of dead sheep and we were arrested ten minutes after that was taken Bill Smith the art director was with me as was Gem, my boyfriend at the time and we had to hide the film down my pants. We knew we would not be body searched. We were literally just marched off the premises so we got the film out. So that whole "sheep farming in Barnet" was just a big question mark of what is our reality? PHIL: Is that something you do today? Stuff the - TOYAH: Guerilla filming? PHIL: Just stuff the evidence? TOYAH: Everything? Yeah, everything goes down my pants. As I get older it it's one of my things I do with my personal dementia – everything goes down my pants (Phil laughs) PHIL: I remember NME did a review – I think it was a three star review, it should've been more obviously but for the NME that was pretty good. At the time they called you a "post punk Grace Slick" -   TOYAH: I have no problems with being the punk Grace Slick. My goodness that woman was a great voice PHIL: It's a nice comparison. Now, the album was split into two parts – much like Kate Bush's Hounds Of Love which had the Ninth wave as the 2nd part  - TOYAH: Yeah! This was 1979! (waves the box set about)  

PHIL: I was going to say – you did that before her. Both brilliant albums obviously but this had Heaven and it had Hell and there is a lot of darkness in this album because there's a lot of vivid imagery when you listen to those lyrics. I suppose it's the horror and sci-fi fan in you, is it?   TOYAH: It's very dark poetry. I mean Neon Womb is quite innocent. I was making a movie with Katherine Hepburn called The Corn Is Green. I had to get on the tube train. The first tube train of the morning in Battersea which was six in the morning and I had to walk over to Victoria to get the train. And I just remember being alone in this tube that was neon lit and I thought "this is like a neon womb."

So that's where that name came from. Indecision I wrote in my home in Birmingham, the lyrics came there and I was doing lots of TV promotion for the film Jubilee and I just couldn't make up my mind what to wear so Indecision came out of that. And then Waiting is very dark Waiting is about if we looked at the planet and it only had burn layers and every burn layer was a war and you'd cut through them you'd see a very different planet. We wouldn't see a green planet. So Waiting is about layer upon layer upon layer of wars that we've had in the past … Let's say – let's be brave about this – 50 000 years? It's an endless theme on this planet. So that's what that one is about. Danced is about a second coming because I was brought up in extreme religious education by parents who weren't religious So because I was a rebel and because I was really out there as a child and I've always been a bit like this - they thought to cleanse my soul I should go into extreme religious education which I had from the age of about 10 ten right through to 14. So that has affected the poetry of my life a lot and that's what Danced is about.

Danced is saying the 2nd coming is coming – this is fantasy – but it ain't going to be a human being! It's someone coming from up there so that's what Danced is about. I'm always questioning the metaphor of what I've been taught and there's so many metaphor's in this (shows the box set). But I think that's what the fans like is that I use the imagery of metaphors to question things  

PHIL: And there are so many anthems on this as well, particularly for fans that have been with you from day one. You know, Danced. You mentioned Neon Womb as well. These are real live favourites. There's a couple of of tracks I've never seen you perform live, Computer being one of those. Is that something that you would think about playing? TOYAH: Yeah! In lockdown we had to do the DVD filming (for the disc in the box set). Nigel Clark of Dodgy, my neighbour, came round and we performed Computer. He performed it beautifully, he even did backing vocals and that's on the DVD version of this (shows the box set). It's gorgeous so we could put that in live now but there's so much material, my whole back catalogue, I have to capture in shows today, an hour and half shows I have to capture about 28 albums. And remember 14 of those songs are hit singles. So we chop and change and we try and fit everything in. Computer might come into the show but then we'll get people complaining we can't fit in Neon Womb, Danced and everything else PHIL: Too many songs to play TOYAH: There's just too many songs to play. You got Our Movie as well. I get a big call for Victims Of The Riddle but that is impossible to sing live. It's in an octave higher register than I normally sing in today and also it's one of those songs once you've done the first two lines everyone goes to the bar or starts talking. So we've decided if the fans demand a song and they don't listen to it – we don't do it!   

PHIL: I want to talk about the digipak that you have in your hands of this album because it's a real treat isn't it, for fans because there's a lot of versions they've never heard before. We mentioned Computer just then. That sounds quite different in its demo form. Are you quite happy to release these demos because obviously these have never been released before. It's so great to hear these now after so long TOYAH: This is the first album released where Joel Bogen (the original Toyah band guitarist and composer) and myself have actually been corresponded with about having permission of them going on the album. So one of my top selling albums in the world now is an album called Mayhem which is demos that Joel and I never wanted to be heard and ironically that is the world top selling Toyah album

So this time around now Cherry Red own the whole back catalogue they have agreed that will never happen again so we're even re-vamping Mayhem for its re-release. So there are 30 additional tracks, most of them unheard   going onto this. It's a double LP and a live DVD and there's even DVD footage that's never been seen before     PHIL:  It's a real Christmas present, isn't it? TOYAH: It's perfect! PHIL: Yeah! TOYAH: When we do demos they're pre-producer arrangements so obviously when you get into the studio and having heard the demo and hopefully played the song live in front of an audience you can then re-work it. So doing a demo is like trying out a recipe for a cake and if you feel that you can improve – then you improve and most of the time that's what people do do PHIL: So Victims Of The Riddle is your debut single which is featured on this album. There was another version on the single B-side which was called Vivisection. To me that seems like a kind of outspoken view of your hate for animal experiments. Was that the case? Was it that obvious? TOYAH: Yeah PHIL: It was?

Above: Toyah with her rabbit WillyFred in 2016

TOYAH: Yeah. I like to think it's not so awful today and I think a lot of people, a lot of human beings stepped forwards and said "you can test that on us." So stop breeding animals to test on. So I put my hand up here – I'm against vivisection but I've had hip replacement, I've had life saving surgery for cancer. Animals have paid so that I can live. So it's not as if I've even avoided every aspect of the results of vivisection.

Where my argument is and if the make-up industry - which has something like a £6 billion fund for testing - keeps testing on animals they're never going to change the world and protect and do good husbandry to animals. Now at the time we were making this … '79 … this was … I mean it was rampant. Animals were just being treated so badly I was a very experimental singer in the beginning, I use my voiced as an instrument thus the stylisation on Vivisection. And I wanted to use this as a wake up call to those who didn't know about the cruelty to animals but also the amount of people who were willing to be human test people.

And it was just – if you don't bring that into your audience's intelligence then no-one could do anything about it and I think the greatest revolution we have had in the 40 years is we've stopped buying things unless they adhere to an ethic we believe in.

So good husbandry, non-cruelty to animals, respect for animals, understanding that animals do have souls, they do have an emotional life, they feel pain as much as they feel joy and this was what that was about   PHIL: I'm glad you answered that question that way because I certainly saw it as very influential at the time – like you say it was a different time back then, in the 70's and the late 70's. There was a lot more of that nastiness going on and as a result more people have become vegetarian and vegan as well over the years, particularly the last five years people have become vegan which is great. So it's a good shift, isn't it? 

TOYAH: It's very good. I think in a year's time when we have a vaccine for Covid and there has been human guinea pigs involved here ... I think one of the biggest outcomes of Covid and Covid history we probably, worldwide, will become vegetarian. What I mean by that is the easiness within Covid is mutating within the animal circuit and if we keep consuming animal flesh we are probably going to help Covid mutate even more. I'd like to think that one of the kind of strange blessings of this exceptional year is that the majority of the planet will become vegetarian   PHIL: Siouxsie and The Banshees did the Kaleidoscope album a few years ago which I saw at South Bank, I know you're a fan as well, of Siouxsie - TOYAH: Yes! PHIL: Is that something that you (want to) do with Sheep Farming? Do it as a whole? TOYAH: (I'll) do it with any album but people want Siouxsie. I've had to  - this is my career “Let me in! Let me in! (bangs the air with her fist) “Give me a fucking job!” Siouxsie, you know, gets invited because people absolutely adore her. I'm not on Siouxsie's level but I think what will change for me because in the last 40 years my catalogue has been with a record label that has actively allowed it to die and now Cherry Red- as soon as they announce these releases – I mean this went number one in the pre-order charts across the board and Cherry Red have released the demand is huge But if you don't have the record company behind you and the PR behind you and the team behind you … I don't get invited to play whole albums at the Queen Elizabeth Hall. So I now think this is going to change quite radically and hopefully my work will get the respect it deserves. But it has to be out there for that to happen and in the last 40 years it's just been buried  

PHIL: Last Goodbye, another track on this album, last time we spoke we talked about your love of horror   TOYAH: Yeah  PHIL: And you told me watch The House That Jack Built, which I saw after your recommendation and yeah – it disturbed me very much (laughs) TOYAH: That's an astonishing film. There's another one I'll recommend to you and it's very gentle. It's a love story but it also it also tiptoes into the surreal and horror and it's called Border. I just adore this film    - PHIL: I've seen it, it's amazing. It really gets under your skin, doesn't it? TOYAH: It's gorgeous. That is like reading a really good book. It translates beautifully PHIL: Absolutely, a very atmospheric film. But Last Goodbye on Sheep Farming – it's quite an evocative lyric. Again quite a dark lyric. There is lightness as well, obviously, on Sheep Farming but I'm just going to read the lyric here : “He points the knife between her eyes. Its light reflects on the one he despises. Here's one for the pain, here's one for the lies. When flood flows out I watch her say goodbye”  That is quite - TOYAH: It's a revenge song but I mean this is about the vulnerability of men and men are vulnerable and this is the ultimate revenge. He can take on someone who is more powerful than him and it's a woman. So I always like to kind of invert what people see as normal. I think woman are just as easily aggressive as men are and devious and plotting so it's revenge on someone who has psychologically destroyed someone else.

And I think historically – I need to place it in context – 40 years ago and even 50 years ago you never heard about women's prisons, you never heard about female criminals. It was always men. There were only three that we heard about when I was young that were serial killers. I'm not going to name them, let's not give them the publicity but what you didn't hear was about was petty female criminals, female prisons and female aggression. It was never reported 50-40 years ago as it is today. You know you've got Piers Morgan doing “Female Serial Killers” today so here we were in the punk movement, '79, and it was such an opportunity to be one of the first women in this movement that I could invert everything I'd been taught And one of them is about women being psychologically cruel which kind of covers a lot of the early work. So I was just inverting stories and turning them into myth really. And another thing that was emerging at this time … computers were being programmed at this time on a mass level. So a lot of people we worked with, our roadies would disappear at night to go and do binary programming into computers and this was going on 24/7 to get computers how they are today. So there was this kind of secret technology going on that fascinated us but we didn't understand I mean if we ever knew we would have a phone in our hand (shows her mobile) or we'd be able to talk like this (on Zoom) … that was science fiction. And another thing that science fiction  back then … was … oh, it's going out of my head … ah yes! Was how games were developed. So Dungeons and Dragons was very much a fantasy game then and it was the only fantasy game  as was – Lord Of The Rings was a book, you never realised it would be made into a really brilliant  digitally composed film. So fantasy for me was very very important. It was escapism from a normality that could be not only boring but could also be dangerous so all of that reflects in my work as well 

PHIL: I could sit and talk to you Toyah for hours. I know you've got other interviews to do because you've got so much to do in the coming weeks before this re-release, this re-vamp of Sheep Farming In Barnet. It's out on the 4th of December but I have got one last question which I invited people to send in and this is a question from Darren Anthony and he's asked which 3 things, if there are 3 things, would you change about your debut album if you could? TOYAH: Ohhh! Do you know, Darren, this is such a good question and the only thing I would change – because there's a beautiful innocence about this album – I would change nothing about the music. I would've changed immediately the technique I use for singing because I've only in the last ten years really gleaned my 100% technique. And I would … just … how can I put this? If you're a singer you understand “opening the throat”. I would open the throat more, I would've had more confidence as a singer Instead I'd get into the studio and lack of confidence would make me go (pulls shoulders in and head behind hands) I would just close up like that and the voice became quite small. So that's one thing I would change but I can only answer that in hindsight. Elusive Stranger is an incredibly popular song and I would've just not sung the intro in that octave. I would bring that down an octave which would make it far easier to sing live today.

And I can't find a third thing I would've changed. Perhaps the one thing I would've changed about the whole of the beginning of my career – I was very against my natural femininity where women who are hugely successful not only exhibit their femininity but they control their femininity and I saw my femininity as a barrier that I needed to either kind of break down or walk away from. So I probably would exploit it - in the right way, in the Madonna way – my femininity PHIL: I should say it's also out on white vinyl which I've ordered and I can't wait to see that either! TOYAH: Wahey! PHIL: To represent the golf balls on the sleeve   TOYAH: Oh, I know! It's a clever design. It's clever. Phil - thank you so much and I hope see you sooner than the 18 months - PHIL: Yes, me too. Good luck and stay safe. Thank you, Toyah TOYAH: Good luck everybody!   

You can watch the interview HERE

[jayascorner]

life isn’t that bad

~part 1

josh dun x reader

•

•

•

(past flashback thing i guess..)

i leaned on the small, brown piano as i listened to my boyfriend play beautiful sounding chords on it. i watched his fingers glide across the keys, something about his fingers playing made me feel happy. then he starts singing.

“you know...

i’ve always been collected, calm, and chill.

and you know...

i never look for conflict for the thrill.

but if i’m feelin’...

someone steppin’ towards you, can’t describe just what i’m feelin’..

for you.” he stopped.

“that’s all i have so far.” he smiled up at me.

i always loved his voice and how he had a natural talent. but this song, it’s like he wrote it for someone. i mean... i am his girlfriend.

“that was beautiful!” i beamed.

he smiled shyly. “thanks. i uh.. i wrote it for you.”

“that’s the cutest song i’ve ever heard.”

he smiled and stood up. he came towards me to lean in for a kiss.

that was a good day. but sadly, i never heard the rest of the song.

••••••••end of flashback••••••••

(6 years later)

obviously this is not like how most stories go. no, tyler and i never ended up happily ever after. no, we didn’t end up getting married and having a totally problem less life. life definitely isn’t perfect. and things happen, like my first relationship not lasting forever. crAzY rigHT?! wrong.

it’s really hard to get over someone that seems like ‘the one’ to you. when it turns out wrong, it’s like your whole world flips up-side-down. tyler did seem like he was the one, but i guess he wasn’t. in fact, i bet he’s already married now, he is really good looking.

i did end up getting over the fact that i broke up with a perfect guy eventually. but he is still fresh in my mind. i know, we were young. i was only seventeen. of course it didn’t work out. it took me a long time to get over it, though. even though that was six years ago, i still remember it fully as if it just happened. weird, huh?

yes, i’m still single, and haven’t found anyone, really. it’s kinda sad. well, actually

i’ve found someone. his name is josh.

it wasn’t until later that night, or should i say morning, i got a call from josh.

i picked up my phone to answer the call. it was strange he was calling me at 12 in the morning, so something must’ve been up.

“hey jish. why are you up so late?” i asked through the line.

“sorry y/n. i just wanted you to know that my band made a new album.”

oh yeah! he’s in a band! twenty one pilots! i forgot!

i’ve listened to stressed out, but not anything else really. only because it’s been on the radio a couple times. but the lead singer’s voice sounds very familiar.

“oh. ok... what’s it called?”

“oh it’s called trench.” he said.

“did y’all just now release it?” i asked.

“yup. i bet our fans are going ballistic. we haven’t released an album for a long while, ” he said, chuckling. i laughed “they probably are.” “well, i’m telling everybody in my contacts and i guess you were the first person i thought of.”

i could feel that he was smiling through the other line. “really?!” i asked, all the sudden feeling really happy.

“yeah...anyways, sorry for bothering you.” he apologized.

“no no you weren’t bothering me. i’m wide awake.”

“oh good...are you bored?”

well..i mean...kinda. ok yeah. i’m bored now that i think of it.

“yeah i am bored, actually. i have nothing to do.” i said.

“ok do you want to come stay with me? i’ll just be contacting all my friends about the album.”

how could i say no? he’s offering me an opportunity not to be bored out of my mind! yay!

“yes. anything to make me not bored. uh...you have food right?” i asked, suddenly feeling hunger in my stomach.

“yeah? why?” he asked, confused.

“i don’t know...i’m hungry for some reason.”

“you like pickles?”

“I LOVE PICKLES DO YOU HAVE THEM?!” i asked, pure joy coming out of my voice.

“yeah actually, i have a huge jar of them. i got it from a friend. i’m pretty sure it was a joke, but you can have some.”

“OH MY GOSH REALLY?? THAT IS ACTUALLY A LIFE SAVER. PICKLES ARE LITERALLY MY HOLY GRAIL!”

apparently that was funny to josh because he started cracking up. but really, i was being serious.

“okay then— you-you can have the pick-pickles” he said in between laughs.

“YESS THANK YOU!! okay so i’ll come over right now. we can listen to the album.”

“okay sounds great.”

“‘kay, bye jishwa.”

“bye (y/n/n).”

i ended the call. i’ve always like the nickname he had for me. like, it’s unique. only he calls me that. if someone else calls me that in front of josh, he’ll be like ‘nope. get your own nickname for her’ or something like that. is pretty amusing. he’s also protective over me, and i really appreciate that.

“LET’S GO WOOOO!! I DON’T EVEN CARE THAT IT’S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!! WOOOOO!!!” i shouted to myself as i grabbed my keys. i tossed them and caught them like a cool person and walked out the door.

“wait.....” i realized i literally had a tank top and shorts on. AND NO SHOES. “i do not look presentable, do i?” i said to myself.

later when i put better clothes on, like a t-shirt and leggings, i slipped on some tennis shoes before finally walking out the door with my keys.

~lil time skip~

*knock knock knock*

i waited for the door to open.

the door opened with josh in a t-shirt and pants. somehow, the man still seemed to attract me.

“hey! that was fast.” josh said, a big smile spread across his face.

“you know me.” i said, josh making a way for me to come in. i spread my arms out so i could hug him. i don’t know...i just really felt like getting a hug from josh. he wrapped his arms around my torso. i rested my head on his shoulder. “how was your day?” he asked. “good so far, it just started.” i smiled.

“oh that’s right. well how was your day yesterday?” he pulled away.

“it was alright i guess. nothing really happened much, but i can tell you that today will be great.” i said, while making my way to a nearby couch. y’all sat down together on the end.

“i know my day will be awesome . it starts with you.”

“thanks. anyways, enough with the cheesies now i want to hear the album.”

“okay. now you can do whatever you want while i contact people.” he said. i nodded in response.

then i remembered that he had a whole jar of pickles, and then suddenly got really hungry. but little did i know, there weren’t pickles so pleasing to my eye. meaning, there was only one.

“oh yeah...so you have pickles?” i ask, a smile creeping on my face.

“oh uh...about that...i got a little hungry.”

he says, looking down.

“YOU ATE MY PICKLES?!!” i shouted standing up. i marched to the fridge.

“well technically they’re not your pickles. they’re mine. i was gonna let you have them.”

“why did you eat them then?!”

“i didn’t eat all of them. and besides, i was hungry.”

i managed to find a jar of pickles, or should i say jar of pickle. i looked up and gave him a death stare. “how much were there originally?”

“um...i forget.” he said, but i could feel he was lying.

“oh really?”

he sighed. “no.”

“that’s what i thought. now how many were there?”

“...” he said. he SAID. dOT DOT DOT.

“wow you just said ‘dot dot dot’. but seriously how much. i won’t be mad.”

“...fine. about six.”

“YOU ATE FIVE?! I THOUGHT YOU DIDNT LIKE PICKLES!” i shouted. i wasn’t mad, i was just shocked.

“there was nothing else to eat.”

“why? i thought you have a lot of food.”

“i’m....on a.....diet?” he said, more a question.

“yeah. a pickle diet. not to mention, i saw you eating ice cream two days ago.” i stated.

“that’s because...“ he paused to think of some made up excuse. “i just started my diet today!” he triumphantly said, probably happy that he found an excuse that i would possibly buy. wrong. i didn’t buy it.

“whatever you say josh. anyways, it’s fine i’ll just have this pickle. i need to go on a diet, too.”

“i’m sorry for eating your pickles y/n.” he said, shamefully.

“it’s fine josh. don’t sweat it. i totally understand though, pickles are amazing.”

“they’re okay i guess. i mean, i have similar foods that you might like.”

i stop mid-bite in the pickle.

“...”

“like what?” i asked, out of curiosity.

“um..let’s see.” he looks in the fridge. “i have cucumbers.” he looked back at me. “if you like those.”

“do you have ranch?” i asked, because like cucumbers, but they’re even better with ranch in my opinion.

“uhm, what kind of ranch?”he asked.

what kind of ranch?? what is he talking about. uhh yeah i’ll have some chocolate ranch. thanks.

“what do you mean?” i asked, because i’ve only heard of regular ranch.

“like flavors. i have chipotle, coleslaw, buffalo, and jalapeño ranch.”

oh.

ohhh.

i’m so dumb.

now i know what he’s talking about.

“can you put samples in bowls so i can taste test them? ‘cause i don’t know what they taste like.” i ask, walking in the kitchen where he was.

“yeah.” he said.

with that he got three small bowls out and put each type of ranch in it. “this one’s homemade.” he pointed to the jalapeño ranch.

“so it must be good.” i said with a smile.

“i don’t know, do you like spicy?” he asked. i shrugged “depends on how spicy it is.” i dipped a cucumber in it and took a bite. i stopped and my eyes widened. i looked at josh like ‘seriously dude? you MADE this?’

he quickly noticed and chuckled. “is it good?” he asked.

“holy crap dude. why haven’t i tried this ranch before? this is amazing!”

josh smiled at me. “so, you want that one?” he pointed to the dip you were using.

i nodded, dipping more cucumbers in it, as if i couldn’t get enough of it.

“okay.” he got some more of the ranch into a bowl that had enough for me to eat.

now lemme say something, josh is really nice. i don’t know if he’s nice like this to everyone, or if he has- well, um...feelings for me. which i don’t think so. and i don’t know how to feel about him, whether he’s a friend, or more. i would only like him if he liked me back, y’know, that sort of thing. of course he’s attractive to me, but i need to wait to see if he would possibly feel the same. but there’s just one thing, i don’t want to ask him in person or anything. so yeah, there’s that. phew! i got it out of me.

after a while of silence, nothing but me crunching on my cucumbers, i hear this voice in a sing-song way say something that vaguely sounded like ‘cover me’.

and then this really awesome bass line kicks in, followed with a drum beat.

i start bopping as i feel the music. josh looks over at me, and smiles at my sudden liking for this song. “this is jumpsuit. the first song on the album.”

“it’s catchy.” i said, a grin finding its way to my face.

“oh, just wait until the words are sung.” he said.

and that’s when i heard the first line. yes the ‘i can’t believe how much i hate.’ and for some reason, the voice is strongly familiar...

“why do i know that voice?” i mutter to myself, but josh seemed to hear.

“um, stressed out was on the radio a lot. you might recognize the voice from that.” josh says, confused.

“yeah i’ve heard that before, but that sounded familiar, too.” i said. i totally knew the person, he was just on the tip of my tongue. “w-what’s his name?” i asked, my nerves picking up as if i had known this guy before.

“his name’s tyler.”

hey guys, so apparently this was too long so i had to cut it in two parts. i hope you liked this first part :))

i will be updating the second part shortly, if you’re wondering :)

—yaya

[fuckyeahkagepro]

Kagerou Project fandom history / KageDaze Recap - #1 Wannyanpuu’s Fan Designs x Outer Science Parallels and etc.

subjects in order of appearances (from left to right): [Jin’s Hibiya initially debuted Sept. 30, 2011, in Kagerou Days.] [some songs were already made/debuted before this.] [Hiyori did not yet have an official design.] [Wannyanpuu’s short haired Hiyori design came first, and was fanmade by them for the KageDaze fan pv.] [* Jin (series creator) then asks Wannyanpuu to join his team.]

a) Wannyanpuu's Hibiya - December 17, 2011 [KageDaze fan pv] b) Jin's Hibiya - Children Record / "Opening Song" for Kagepro [2012] c+d) Wannyanpuu’s short-haired Hiyori fanarts by Wannyanpuu e) Wannyanpuu's short haired bob haircut Hiyori, just around and before “Shirori” appears at the end of Wannyanpuu’s pv. f) Shiro Hiyori = ‘Shirori’ is a fandom name ("Shiro" = 'white') [meaning the white/shadowy hue she has as a ‘Kagerou’ / ‘Heat Haze’] g) Wannyanpuu’s Hibiya+Hiyori as good friends (fanart by Wannyanpuu) h) Jin’s Hibiya+Hiyori as childhood friends [Outer Science pv, towards end] i) Wannyanpuu's Hibiya just before "Kageoru[!Hibiya]" waves "[bye]" [after Hiyori dies by truck, and Hibiya fades to black] j) Jin's Hibiya just before "Saeru" (in the form of Kuro!Konoha) waves "[bye]" [Outer Science, debuted Aug. 31st 2013] [as Hibiya dies by truck/Saeru]

Kagerou(s) and Hibi+Hiyo being friends outside of pv/post-pv:

[^ art by Wannyanpuu, the group/OT4?]

(it was a supposed happy ending post-pv verse, but .... ?) [art by Shidu/Sidu] [* note: Shidu (later Sidu) not much later then created/designed Konoha (+Kuro!Konoha?)]

[^“Kagerou”!Hibiya, waving “bye”] (from the fan pv)

 (”Saeru” having taken the form of Konoha [Outer Science])

(previously in Children Record/Lost Time Memory known as Kuro!Konoha or simply a “dark!Konoha” by the fandom, [including Japanese fandom, so not just english fandom] before that, then became “Saeru” as we know him now (”Clearing Eyes”) * plot-wise in LTM though he is essentially “Saeru”, we just didn’t know for sure * back then, anyway... also note this is Music Route Lost Time Memory * not novels route, not manga route, not Mekakucity Actors anime route) (also note: the framing and placement of Hibiya’s hand reaching out, above.)

(... yeah)

(Wannyanpuu’s alternative designs for their fan pv/fanmade Hibiya and Hiyori.)

(* these are around from pre-Konoha no Sekai Jijou.) (* note the “14″ and “15″′s) (* also, a long haired Wannyanpuu Hiyori near right.) (* also note the dates of these sketches in regards to debut dates.)

Wannyanpuu went on to design Mary and not much later, Momo. Wannyanpuu also went on to create the pvs/music videos for “Imagination Forest” / “Fantasy Forest” [feb. 03, 2012], “Konoha no Sekai Jijou” / “Konoha’s State of the World” [with Sidu], “Kisaragi Attention” [may 27, 2012], and “Otsukimi Recital” [july 02, 2013, some time later on].

Konoha was initially designed by Sidu as a girl. [note her fandom name is “Beta Konoha”] she was apparently changed to a boy Konoha because they thought Kagepro had too many girls at the time, so it was to balance out the cast. (* note Headphone Actor already existed before this, however!) (hi Actor...) Sidu since went on to create pvs/music videos for: - Konoha’s State of the World [March 30, 2012]

[*Hiyori’s now-official design debuts here.] [* Hibiya begins to sacrifice himself for Hiyori, while Konoha tries to save them / Hibiya particularly.] and...: - Toumei Answer [May 30, 2012] (*movie/art by Wannyanpuu) [* Ayano’s debut, with Shintaro’s design, pre-Mekakushi Trio info] [* from Mekakucity Days album] [in between, “- in a daze” (novel 1) releases the same day.] [* however, translations were lacking for quite a while, along with other novels.] - Children Record [July 31, 2012] (”Opening” for “Kagerou Project”) [in between, “A Headphone Actor” (novel 2) releases on Sept. 29, 2012] - Lost Time Memory [March 29, 2013] (* during this music video, Shintaro selflessly saves Saeru [as “Kuroha”]/Konoha [??] from suicide. Various routes happen here.) - Yobanashi Deceive [Feb. 17, 2013] [* Kano’s pv debuts] [by Sidu] [* he is one of the last main characters to get a pv in this time frame.] [* Fem!Kano as a design / personality also debuts here. (Yes, she is canon.)] then: - Ayano’s Theory of Happiness / Ayano no Koufuku Riron [April 22, 2013] [in between, “The Children Reason” (novel 3) releases on May 30, 2013] - Yuukei Yesterday [Aug. 04, 2013] [in between, “The Missing Children” (novel 4) releases Aug. 30, 2013] [* literally the very day before Outer Science, below.] [* Saeru takes over Konoha’s form for the first time here, killing Konoha.] - * Outer Science [Aug. 31, 2013] [Saeru takes over Konoha here] [* and then kills ... everyone. along with Hibiya. (above.)] (* please remember novel translations were very hard to come by during this entire time, and the english fandom had to rely on rather vague summaries.) now / present day, long after all that (and more novels, manga, MCA): - “Saeru” (Snake of Clearing Eyes) is FINALLY getting a backstory (?!) (BONUS:)

... KageHibi ? [official art by Wannyanpuu] (... among other psuedo-‘Kage+Hibi’ arts.) (... no comment on another certain Hibiya ship from this era.) ( I DON’T MAKE THE RULES )

[topweeklyupdate]

TØP Weekly Update #56: I’m So High (7/27/2018)

I’m still adjusting to Twenty One Pilots once again being a regular part of my day-to-day life. Just when things look like they might be settling down, Tyler Joseph jumps back onto our timelines with more Quality Content to carry us through to the next album, the next tour, and whatever else is on the horizon for our favorite band. Let’s pick apart this week in Twenty One Pilots news together, shall we?

This Week’s TØPics:

“Nico and the Niners” Video Drops

Tickets to the Bandito Tour Go Straight to the Secondary Market, the Clique is Real Sad About It

“Jumpsuit” Soars to #1 at Alternative (and Other Chart News)

And More! 

Major News and Announcements:

The biggest news from the last week was yesterday’s surprise release of the music video for “Nico and the Niners”, which came out with no dmaorg.info buildup or any other cryptic nonsense to prepare me for how much I had to write last night. 

Announced as the second of a trilogy of music videos telling the Trench storyline, this video depicts Tyler inside of Dema itself. Shot in what appears to be Taras Shevchenko University in Kiev, Ukraine (not coincidentally the first concert date on the Europen leg of the Bandito Tour), this video gives us our first clear picture of the community that Clancy’s been telling us about for months now. 

As Reddit detectives discovered two weeks ago in the background of a few shots in “Jumpsuit”, Dema is nestled in the middle of that gorgeous and wild Icelandic countryside. The walled city is laid out (more or less) exactly how the dmaorg.info map suggested. It looks run-down and exceptionally gray (matching the clothing of all its non-bishop denizens), with the only direct light coming from strange florescent strips and tubes. These light sources seem to be created by the bishops themselves in weird religious ceremonies involving glassblowing and waving their arms around in an impression of Michael Phelps getting really lost on dry land. One important note: it seems like the bishops are making much more than just weird art installations...

The video narrative depicts Tyler in his small Dema apartment packing up his belongings (notably the yellow flowers from “Jumpsuit” and the red beanie and white sunglasses of the Blurryface Era) and preparing to escape Dema with the help of the torch-wielding Banditos. When the group meets up, Josh removes his mask; Tyler and Josh smile at each other like gosh darn angels and perform the full secret handshake, marking the first time that we’ve seen the duo physically together outside that single promotional photo since 2018. I’m still crying about it.

The Banditos set up a drum kit and hand Tyler a microphone, and the band perform the song, literally starting a concert that draws the bishops out of their weird little church service. The Banditos flee through ad underground tunnel, with Tyler leaving his jumpsuit behind so two Dema children can find it and be inspired by the sign of yellow. As the band marches into the light, the Banditos attach more yellow duct tape to Tyler’s clothes, demonstrating that the costuming is a deliberate choice and not just the results of cutting costuming budgets.

The Clique has asked a lot of questions about where precisely in the timeline this video falls and what it means for the Trench storyline as a whole. It is pretty easy to read this as coming directly after “Jumpsuit”, with Tyler being rescued by the Banditos he met in that video. However, others have suggested that this is set before Tyler’s failed escape attempt due to the lack of a cut on his nose, leaving open the possibility that Tyler did in fact die in the “Jumpsuit” video, gripping onto a wild flower that reminded him of those he had previously collected by other means within the city. I honestly don’t know how much I buy that- How would Tyler have gotten separated from the other Banditos by the events of “Jumpsuit”?- but I’d be very excited to see if the third video in this trilogy fills the gap and explains how Tyler wound up lying unconscious in the middle of Trench.

The other pertinent question is how this entire narrative relates to our boy Clancy. Tyler appears to be acting out the distraction Clancy described creating several weeks ago, which would make sense if this was a prequel to “Jumpsuit”... but it also doesn’t make sense, because Clancy described the distraction as a signal for attracting the Banditos into the city in the first place, not something that they planned themselves. This discrepancy could just be choked up to an error on Tyler’s part, but I’ve known this kid too long- he cares about his art too much for those kinds of errors.

My theory? This is set before “Jumpsuit”- and also set before Clancy’s escape attempt. Perhaps Tyler initially sought out Dema as a place of temporary refuge, was forbidden from leaving, and then was rescued by his friends and family? Perhaps the band’s performance and them leaving behind their instruments/ jumpsuits alerted Clancy to the possibility of escape in the first place? Maybe Clancy is the kid, or one of the parishioners? I don’t know, man, but I’m pumped to see where this story leads when we get a new video (and a new song) in just a few weeks. (Just please don’t make us wait until Trench comes out.)

In other, potentially less exciting news: this time last week, tickets for the upcoming Bandito Tour were just going on sale. Now... they’re pretty much all gone, at least from the direct-from-source market. Thousands of fans logged onto Ticketmaster at 10 am to grab some tickets priced from $60-$80, waited in a virtual line for half an hour, and were left with only a few scattered seats in the nosebleeds priced at Platinum rates of as much as $500. Even while several sources tried to spin the news of near-complete Day One sell-outs as pointing to the passion of the fanbase, it was pretty apparent to everyone that the vast majority of the purchased tickets did not go to people excited to see their favorite artists, but rather to bot accounts set up by scalpers- StubHub, Seat Geek, and similar websites are filled to bursting with secondhand tickets being offered at double or triple the original listed price.

In all honesty, I’m not sure how we fix this problem moving forward. Ticketmaster and concert promoters truthfully have no incentive to say no to guaranteed sales of all their tickets; if anything, it just encourages them to continue to raise prices. The only way scalpers would stop investing their resources in huge shows like this is if the US followed the lead of several European countries and passed legislation banning the practice or if scalpers had reason to believe that they couldn’t resell most of the tickets for at least slightly-above market “value”. In major markets, there are certainly 20,000 folks rich enough to drop a couple hundred dollars on a night out, so the latter seems unlikely; Twenty One Pilots will keep getting bought out until Josh’s nightmare of only fifteen people in the crowd really comes true.

Another way things could change is if multiple A-list artists really put their foot down on a populist stance that $80 a ticket will make everyone plenty enough money and that they won’t work with companies that don’t invest in defending against bots. And, no, that’s just never gonna happen. Perhaps Tyler and Josh could one day expand the pre-sale program so that every die-hard fan who wants one can access and afford a ticket before bots can get to it, bu that just carries the problem of potentially excluding people based on their fandom instead of their bank account. Sadly, that’s still the only hope I can see on the distant horizon. 

If you did not get tickets, be on the lookout for giveaways and keep watching for the secondary market prices to drop to more reasonable levels as the show date nears and the scalper becomes more desperate to recoup their investment. Godspeed.

Chart Performance:

After their return last week was slightly dampened by the mid-week release date, the band continued to see their new tracks rise up the Billboard charts. With a full seven days of sales and radio play, “Jumpsuit” rose up to #1 at Alternative, the fastest a song has reached that peak since Green Day’s “Know Your Enemy” nearly a decade ago. “Jumpsuit” gained at most every chart save for sales, which we already knew would be front-loaded in the modern marketplace. In its first full release week, “Jumpsuit” gained airplay and moved up to the third most streamed rock song (passing all of the band’s legacy tracks from Blurryface). All this allowed the song to move up ten spots to #50 on the overall Hot 100 (coincidentally the same position the track debuted on the UK charts last Friday).

That’s not to imply that “Nico” didn’t get any action prior to the release of its music video. It also predictably sunk in sales and still isn’t getting significant radio play compared to its brother, but it was still the fifth best streaming rock song of the week (again passing “Stressed Out” and company) and managed to ride those seven full days of data to a #79 debut on the overall Hot 100.

So what can we take from all those numbers? I’m still entirely not sure. I can’t emphasize enough how important having the full week of data has on the songs’ performance. Chart forecasters projected last week that “Jumpsuit” would rise far more than ten spots on the Hot 100 thanks to all those extra days, and it’s hard to not see it as looking a little front-loaded. However, seeing concept rock songs as decidedly non-mainstream as these two tracks on the Hot 100 is both a huge breath of fresh air and a definite accomplishment in itself. I can’t imagine anyone at Fueled By Ramen headquarters being displeased with securing an Alternative #1- the band is still unquestionably the crown jewel of the label’s current lineup. 

I don’t believe “Nico” will stick around on the Hot 100- it’s definitely really weird- but “Jumpsuit” still has a few weeks to gain traction, and the steadily improving radio play seems promising. We’ll just have to wait and see how the songs do next week. 

Power to the local dreamer.

|-/

[janime1x-blog]

My Thanks to a Fandom...

I’ve been through a lot of physical and mental pain while I’ve been bumping through fandoms, hoping to find a place to belong in. 

I’ve joined the world pretty late (not as in given birth). I wasn’t introduced to technology or the real world until very later on in my life. My first ever personal device was an iPod Touch G5. I was given Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and I’ve officially joined real life.

And then my friends introduced me to this famous boy band. They are what people call, One Direction. Because I joined the real world quite late, I did not know of One Direction. So, me wanting to belong somewhere, lied that I knew to my friends and said yeah, I knew One Direction. When I got home I researched about One Direction and found out many things about them. First videos I’ve ever seen of the boys were their funny videos and video diaries they made for XFactor. Slowly and bit by bit, I found myself liking One Direction. I then started listening to their music and became obsessed to the point of being 1D trash.

Every day for me from then on was about 1D. I loved the boys so much that I even protected them from the haters and all. Anyone who said any bullshit about them, I would attack relentlessly all to protect 1D. At school, I would hear people talking shit about 1D and I would want to protect the boys but I stayed silent since no one knew that I liked 1D and if anyone knew, I felt like they would hate me for it so I stayed silent but it killed me inside.

When 1D won awards, we, the fandom, rejoiced. When they were close to releasing their albums, we would leak some of the songs for a sneak peak. When one of the members left on the 25th of March 2015, we all cried together. We were happy for our boys for everything they succeed in. It was until in 2013 when two of the boys who were thought to be single forever, got girlfriends. The fandom broke down and everything was hell. I remember it clearly like it was yesterday. 

Suddenly, I felt hateful towards their new girlfriends and then all together, we rose and fought, sending hate. I’m pretty sure there were some who supported the boys’ decision but from my perspective, it was all hateful. That was all that I saw and it turned my life upside down. My life was entirely engulfed by 1D and this fandom and there was no way out. The fandom got so toxic that it affected me mentally that when I’m at school, I’d get angry out of nowhere. Probably because I’ve been holding back of my feelings for too long. The fandom was hella toxic to the very end.

Especially one part of the fandom. The part of the fandom that shipped the most popular ship of all, Larry. I was one of them who shipped this ship. We who believed that the ship was real, made theories and attacked 1D’s management for hiding this ship and that they should let the two boys love each other freely. One of the boys of this ship had a girlfriend and claimed that the girlfriends were beards that hid the relationship and we straight just told her to fuck off and let the two boys love each other. In 2015, I think was when that boy and his longtime girlfriend broke up. I think this part of the fandom was very happy about the breakup. 

As I was a part of that side of the fandom, it made me into a toxic and hateful person. It didn’t take me until 2016 where I realised that the fandom was in the wrong and that the boys can do whatever the hell they wanted to do and we weren’t in the right place to force the boys to do what pleased us.

When the fandom found out that one of the boys made a girl pregnant, we went crazy (mostly the Larries who believed in the ship). Everyone sent hate once more and attacked the girl who was pregnant. We all started debunking pictures and interviews and all that bullshit. It got so crazy and messed up that the fandom even threatened a fricking unborn child (now born)! 2016 then became a blur of rumours, bullshit and hate. The fandom had a civil war with the boys and each other and it felt like I just stood there and watched everyone destroy each other. It was then I decided to leave the fandom officially. All the rumours and bullshit was suffocating and difficult. It literally hit me mentally that I would become depressed! (Ridiculous, I know) But then I came back eventually when I had nothing to do and then suddenly the boys announced that they were going to have a hiatus. The fandom cried of course and then here they are now. The boys are doing solos and some of them are doing their solo careers and it isn’t sure whether the four boys will ever get back together again as a band.

Me, right now, well, I support the boys and whatever they do with their careers and personal life. I feel like I’ve changed and it took so long for me to realise the wrongs I’ve done while being a part of that fandom.

But what is the point of making this post? Well, I wanted to thank the 1D fandom. Because without the fandom, I would have never come to where I stand right now. 

Thank you for introducing me to fan fiction because it became a stepping stone for my passion of writing original stories. 

Thank you for introducing me to singing, songwriting and songs because it’s made me love to sing and become confident with my voice.

Thank you for being my family for 4 years. 

Thanks to you guys, I would have never found a new obsession with Anime and BTS and it’s the only place where I feel like I could belong in.

It was a really joyful time that I’ve shared with you guys those 4 years.

But what I really hope is that you guys would change your ways and stop being jealous and so overprotective of the boys. The boys are human like you and me and they deserve to do whatever they want to do. It’s not up to us, mere fans, to control their personal lives. We are only fans and nothing more. And the boys are only Idols we are fans of and nothing more. Please snap out of it and support the boys for them!

Thank you for everything, fellow Directioners.