#and the others I cannot spell ily2

[carbonated-chicken-broth]

Riddles and Body Bleach || Lucifer x Reader

Love Luci. This is actually an older one I’ve got posted on wATtPaD but since I abandoned the site, I figured I’d post it here to try and maintain some semblance of productivity. 

Pairing(s): Lucifer/Reader, Dean/Cas, Sam/no one (poooooor Sammeh)

Category: Crack

Reader Gender: Female

Warnings: Uhhhhh mild implications? Nothing major. Also naughty language, but again, nothing too too bad. Also it’s a crackfic so...I mean, I hope it’s funny? I’m doin’ my best, I swear.

Word Count: 1,100+

Sam has created a chat

Sam has added Dean, Castiel, (Y/N)

Sam: Guys

Sam: Guys guess what

(Y/N): Did you get anywhere on the research?

Dean: Yeah we're not finding anything useful

Sam: No but I found something better

Castiel: What is it, Sam?

Dean: hold on

Dean has changed 'Castiel' to 'Cas'

Dean: it was making me uncomfortable. carry on

Sam: Guys

(Y/N): What

Sam: Riddles

Dean: ...

Dean: . . .

Dean: Sam ppl r literally dying as we speak wtf

Sam: Dean ppl r dying literally whenever we speak and we have no leads just let me have this

(Y/N): are they.........are they good riddles

Sam: .........yus

(Y/N): gimme

Sam: What can you take from a man who has nothing?

Dean: *takes your laptop*

(Y/N): *takes your 2-in-1 shampoo/hair conditioner*

Sam: You already do that

Lucifer has joined the chat

Lucifer: *takes your soul*

Dean: TOO FAR

Sam: ...

Lucifer: Hiya Sammy

Lucifer: Deano

Lucifer: Cassie

Lucifer: (Y/N) 🖤 

(Y/N): 🖤

Sam: ...

Sam: bitch

Dean: someone say jerk before the universe collapses

Cas: Why would the universe collapse unless someone says 'jerk?'

Cas: Dean?

Cas: You're such a child.

Cas: Jerk.

Dean: thank you

Lucifer: (Y/N) why does sammeh hate meeeee

(Y/N): Hmmmmmmmmidk

Sam: oH YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU DID?? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DID!!

Lucifer has been disconnected

Sam: serves him the fuck right. thirstyass ho

Castiel: ???

Sam: The answer is his virginity

Castiel: ?!?!?!

Dean: smooth transition there

Sam: Shut up

(Y/N): Wait but like,,,,,,,how

Sam: If he has nothing, then he doesn't have sex

Cas: That is a paradox.

Sam: Stfu

Cas: What does that mean?

Dean: don't worry about it

(Y/N): Hey Sam remember that job we were working? That job that saves peoples lives? That job?

Sam: Fine

Lucifer has joined the chat

Lucifer: the wifi down here is no bueno

Sam: Leave

Sam: You are not welcome here

Dean: got'em

Cas: The lingo here is very strange. It is as if the laws of grammar and spelling do not apply. I shall document my findings.

Dean: never say lingo again

Sam: The power of Christ compels you to gtfo

Lucifer: (Y/N) Sam's being a big meanie help

Lucifer: (Y/NNNNNN)

Lucifer: halp meh pls

Lucifer: dark princess most amorous where u go

Sam: You're too late. She can't hear you now

Lucifer: wHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY LOVE

Dean: you'll never know

Cas: Sam stole (Y/N)'s phone.

Dean: CAS

Cas: She is in the process of getting it back. Sam is too tall. She cannot reach.

Lucifer: give her baaaaaaack

Lucifer: wait

Lucifer: is she jumping?

Dean: why

Lucifer: I like it when she jumps. dad bless gravity...

Cas: She is jumping.

Dean: dude that's so weird that's not even a kink stop

Lucifer: 😈

(Y/N): Ha she left her phone open

(Y/N): I'm gonna scroll through her camera roll

Lucifer: sam I swear to dad you stay out of that daddamn camera roll for your own safety as much as ours

Lucifer: and give my princess back her phone

(Y/N): ha ha no

Dean: sam don't do it

Cas: This all sounds very inadvisable.

(Y/N): I'm gonna do it

Sam: bitch I will cut you

(Y/N): It's too late. I'm gonna open the app

Lucifer: princess?

Sam: Yeah. Daddy Longlegs left his phone on the table

Lucifer: dont call him that.

Dean: how did you get into it tho?

Sam: Really easily actually. His password's 327&/!;7,@@2?92$hsitvskfgh

Lucifer: PRINCESS?

Sam: Take back your tainted device you foul woman

Lucifer: yes return my bb

Dean: Sam explain

(Y/N): babe hi

Lucifer: 💖

(Y/N): 💖

Sam: you two are gross

Lucifer: 👿

(Y/N): our pictures r cute what r u talking about

Dean: sem explen

Cas: Please do not explain, Sam.

Sam: I need to bleach my entire body

Lucifer: do it

Dean: Sammy pleeeeease?

Sam has sent Dean a private message

Dean has left the chat

(Y/N): oh shit he's running

Dean has joined the chat

Dean: WHAT FHE FUCK MAN RHATS UNNATURAL (Y/N) ARE YOU OKAY DOESNT THAT HURT??!?!!??

Dean has left the chat

Cas: One could even say...Supernatural.

(Y/N): Leave

Cas has left the chat

(Y/N): no wait Cas

Lucifer: I would never hurt my princess!

Lucifer: Unless she wants me to ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Sam: pls no

(Y/N): pls yes

Cas has joined the chat

Cas: What is 'pls?'

Sam: Please

Cas: Please what?

Sam: ...

Sam: nvm

Cas: ???

Sam: Never mind.

(Y/N): give up

Cas: I am very confused.

Sam: pls = please

Cas: I see. I will remember that.

Lucifer: hey (Y/N)

(Y/N): Yes love of my life?

Lucifer: if there were a cute police they'd shoot you on sight for being so darn adorable

(Y/N): Aw babe ily

Lucifer: ily2

Cas: I do not understand.

Sam: Perhaps it's best if it stays that way

Sam: Also (Y/N) I'm worried for your safety

Lucifer: sam if there were a cute police they'd hit you with their car but not because you're cute just because they want you to not be alive

Sam: why tho

Lucifer: my bb is safe and sound

Cas: Your compliments all end in her dying. That is not healthy.

Lucifer: false

(Y/N): He has a point, babe

Lucifer: aw babe im sorry

(Y/N): it's okay apology accepted

Sam: i hate both of you so much

Lucifer: Awwww Sammy doesn't loooove uuuuuus?

(Y/N): I don't think he dooooooes

Sam: Fuck yourseeeeeelves

Cas: What a fascinating interaction.

(Y/N): Seriously tho we should really get to work. And get Dean

Cas: I will go find him. He ran off in the direction of the laundry room. I'm worried for him.

Lucifer: Destiel?????

Cas: No, my name is Castiel.

Sam: right over his head

Lucifer: i noticed

Cas: why are we talking like this?

(Y/N): Dean must be really worrying right now out in a room far away on his own. Cas, go find him.

Cas: That is a good idea. I'll go do that.

Cas has left the chat

Lucifer: that's not the only thing he's gonna go do

Lucifer: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Sam has left the chat

(Y/N): You've scared him away

Lucifer: I tend to have that affect

(Y/N): I wonder what could have inspired it

Lucifer: Haven't the faintest

(Y/N): I imagine so

(Y/N): Anyway I gtg work so...

Lucifer: But I wanna seeeee youuuu

Lucifer: Take the warding downnnnn

Lucifer: pleeeeeeease?

(Y/N): ...

(Y/N): give me five minutes

(Y/N) has left the chat

Lucifer: 😈 

Lucifer has left the chat

I have other ideas for fics like this buuuuut whether or not I’ll write ‘em is hard to predict. But yeah, that’s the stuff! Thanks for readin’!

[derrickperegrine]

oops SORRY GOT DISTRACTED ok so 🐉 and 📕 I'm pretty chill and low-key tbh, usually very contained and collected. i'm so laid back and i love nature nature. my hobbies are skiing boxing cooking and learning languages. I love foggy and rainy mornings. Can be quite stubborn but I know my mind and stand my ground completely. I love hot chocolate and cheese. I only wear black, seriously. Ok Ily 💚

it’s ok!! sorry for getting to this so late but ahh!! ily2

best classes:

höðr-craft: an interdisciplinary branch of magic developed by nordic people, before the ‘divide of the subjects’ into transfiguration and charms. focuses on wintertime magic and enchanting snow, ice, water, and cold for combat and survival purposes

permanent transfiguration: advanced transfiguration course that teaches permanent transformations. only highly responsible and students are allowed to take this class for fear of consequences

translation charms: since durmstrang stretches from central europe to the baltics, the school is a-buzz with at least two dozen languages. thus, translation charms are a necessary part of a durmstrang education. covers basic european languages, spotting grammatical patterns, and context clues divination in order to help students learn foreign languages

worst classes:

history of godly politics: focuses on the various historical events that happened before mankind. some are important, but most of them are relatively trivial. a prerequisite for history of magic, as an understanding of how magic came to be

oracle charming: the art of communicating with an immortal seer. difficult creatures who are often obstinate and cryptic in their answers, this is not an easy class for the impatient and rigid

elective courses:

rune-making: an advanced runes class that teaches students to craft their own runes and sigils based on their experiences with runes

show-dueling: half-dueling half-performance, this class teaches students to crush their opponents with skill but also to dazzle the onlookers with elaborate spells

extracurricular activities:

the ullr society: an outdoor games, hunting, and wilderness club for durmstrang students. often hosts competitive games and cook-outs in the whispering forest

dueling club: club where students spar with each other and practice new spells

additional duties:

head girl: this one is self-explanatory

captain of durmstrang debate team: lead the durmstrang team in debating with other wizarding institutes’ teams about contentious, controversial issues in the wizarding world

favourite haunts:

the common hall: a large hall with roaring flames, mahogany and leather furniture, and fur throws where durmstrang students can chill, read, or have a mug of mulled mead with their friends

the whispering forest: the woods on the durmstrang grounds. home to many of the school’s magical creatures and plants, as well as a great place for an adventure (never know what old students left in it) and the official meeting ‘room’ for the ullr society

pet: common european vipershort drabble:

durmstrang. you look at that, and the letters rearrange themselves for you. sturm und drang. storm and stress. as you pass your fingers over the brass signage on the gate, you feel its tumultuous magic pulse against yours. it’s something heavy and heady, giddy like the wild laugh of a wolf, churning like the ropey bodies of snakes.

there’s something that draws people so much to durmstrang. it’s mysterious, old, superstitious, traditional, in a way that is unlike any of the other schools. to the casual outsider, it may seem as if durmstrang were a backwards, old-fashioned place that still taught the theories of aristocratic purists and long-dead gods, but durmstrang knows that time, is only an excuse for the weak to forget. and durmstrang does not forget – the past is not irrelevant because it has past; its effects are still living in the present, and will continue to live into the future.

durmstrang is full of a violent sort of power, as old as time and as manicured as the labyrinthine gardens of counts. it is wild and eager, seeking to outgrow its boxes and plunge its gnarly roots deep into the soft earth; but durmstrang teaches discipline and control; it teaches you to not relinquish yourself to this maddeningly delicious gift and let it control you. rather, it teaches you to be its master.

as you look up at your school, built out of mossy green stone, assurance, boldness, and mindfulness, you are reminded that the world is wrong about durmstrang. durmstrang is not a darkness that cannot be tamed; it is the orderly shadow that walks behind every student. durmstrang is not a loose arrow ripping through the air; it is the charged energy of a bowstring straining against a finger. durmstrang is not a just school; it is a nest, for gods.

song: gunshot by lykke li

reb celebrates 750

[blessedmercy]

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