#and the last time i got a major surgery my dad texted me in between bombarding my mother with texts and phone calls

[transsextual]

got back from the most emotionally exhausting thanksgiving break of my life this morning n realized i have two papers due in the next two weeks - three if you count the late one i need to edit, format, and submit - as well as an oral exam, and then the week after that my poetry portfolio for the semester is due and the day after that i have my final written exam and then three to four days after that i drive back home (to my parents and their failing marriage) with a friend and then five days after that is christmas and four days after that i get top surgery and a week after that i have my post-op appointment and not two weeks after that i come back up to school to start my spring semester! and through all of this i have to like. eat meals and budget and exist in the presence of other people.

[caffiene-fueled-fuckery]

hiiii can you do a deep dive into hawkeye's attachment styles pretty please :') i don't know much about attachment styles but i love psychology and i'm super normal about that guy (lying) so this is all fascinating 2 me !!!

Hi! I can certainly try!

I'm by no means an expert on attachment theory but I guess I can maybe talk about it since I'm studying it right now and have for a few years. I'm a psych major specializing in psychological development, and a lot of my interests and papers in the last few years have been on attachment theory specifically in adults bc believe it or not, most people think that it's only a thing when you're in infancy and early childhood. False! You actually grow an attachment network as you go from adolescence into adulthood and that's how it stays essentially, but your attachment style is important for the people you choose to be around and how relationship dynamics work (there's more nuance to this but I'm not really sure how to explain it without going super in depth). Anyway... Maybe I should do a general post about attachment theory.

For Hawkeye I think he's definitely in the preoccupied type, but he can also sometimes be a bit dismissing. Let's be real, Hawkeye has abandonment issues. If you think about it, he lost his mom when he was a kid, and it was pretty sudden. She got sick and he didn't really know what was going on, and his dad didn't tell him how bad it was. Then a few days later she was gone. Not only did he very suddenly lose a primary attachment figure, but he likely felt a sense of betrayal from his other primary attachment figure due to his dad not being honest with him. Yes, he was only a kid, but that doesn't stop him from feeling that way. That is still the case to a degree, he mentions it in that one episode... I think it's called Sons and Bowlers? When his dad was going into surgery for something serious and Hawkeye thought it could be cancer but he didn't find out until his dad was already in surgery and he spent forever trying to get through to the hospital. He was rantic and said something about his dad doing it again, likely meaning holding back the severity of an illness from him to protect him.

The loss of a primary caregiver is devestating to a young child even if they don't really understand what happened. The person they've relied on, who they knew was going to keep them safe and take care of them is just no longer there, whether they know why or not doesn't matter. Now, hawkeye I think was a bit older... 10, maybe? So he understood that it wasn't his Mom's intention, but that doesn't stop the pain. It seems very much like he clung to his dad after that, and he seems to have a very secure attachment to him. But I don't think that overall he has a secure attachment style. Definitely not.

The preoccupied attachment style is typically characterized by people who have positive views of others but negative views of the self. This usually means that they want close relationships but don't feel they're deserving of it necessarily or that they can trust others. In a modern sense, they'd be the person who'd text you a thousand times if you didn't respond. They can be clingy and they need reassurance. And while Hawkeye can be arrogant, I don't think he really likes himself that much. I can't think of anything speciifc he says but he definitely seems to think he's not a good person. He probably doesn't think he's ideal for a relationship. And we can see that in his interactions with his ex.

Carly and Hawkeye lived together for over a year, and he was devastated when she left him. Again, abandonment by another primary attachment figure. When she showed up at the 4077th he was hurt and a bit bitter, but when he talked to her he was desperate. He would do anything to keep her by his side, including marriage. And she knew it was desperation. A lot of it was his work that got between them, as she said, because he isn't someone who can put his work second. But another piece of those commitment issues might be that doubt or anxiety around relationships that are more than just sex.

This isn't just in romantic relationships. Think about how he reacted when Trapper left. He was so hurt that Trapper didn't even leave a note and chased after him to try and catch him before he left despite knowing he had little chance of catching him. He and Trapper were always together and he seemed a bit more secure in that friendship... but that went out the window when he left. Now, I don't really know that much about Trapper, esp since he was only in 3/11 seasons. But the effect he had on Hawkeye was immense.

You can see that in the way he interacts with BJ. He's clingy. He needs validation. He's scared of being abandoned again, whether or not he wants to admit it. And in GFA, he gets so irritated when BJ won't say goodbye. Hawkeye knows they won't see each other again, so leaving without a goodbye and a promise of seeing each other again is the same as being abandoned. BJ is important to him.

This validation isn't even just with BJ. It's pretty much with everyone. He cracks jokes and the laughter is validation. Sleeping with one of the nurses is validation. To me at least, he seems to feel inferior when comes to anything that's not surgery. Just as a person. But he also seems to have a defense against that, acting like all he needs are one night stands. Keeping the nurses at an arm's length, never going further emotionally than just sex. Which is why I said he could also fit the dismissing style a little bit, too. It's a defense mechanism so he doesn't get hurt. Dismissing is when someone has a positive view of self and a negative view of others, usually relying on being self-sufficient and independent, not needing close relationships even though they desperately want them. He just thinks people will leave him so he doesn't let people get to close to him. That seems to more be the case with women.

I hope this makes some sense! He has a bit of a mix of styles but I think more preoccupied than anything else. I wanna give poor Hawkeye a hug :(

[honey-dewey]

Little Leather Boots Snippets

Pairing: Shane ‘Dio’ Morrissey/Reader

Word Count: 1,743

Warnings: Hospitals, mentions of surgery and c-section, sappy Dio, happy tears. 

Permanent Taglist: @phoenixhalliwell @star-wars-hell

Based off my previous Dio/Reader one shot, Little Leather Boots. An anon asked me if I could write more for this story, specifically Dio’s first moments with baby Athena in the NICU. I live to please, so here we are! Told from Dio’s perspective, these are the four months between Athena’s birth and her going home. 

-24 hours post Athena-

Life felt lopsided. That was the only way Dio could explain it. He’d been sitting here, by your side as you mostly slept, for 24 hours. The nurses had taken Athena to the NICU a few hours ago, and Dio had been tempted to follow. But one very sweet nurse reassured him that she’d be okay, and that he should stay with you. 

Dio sighed, trying to wrap his head around it all. He was a father. An actual father. Like, to a baby. A little girl, no less. He was euphoric. He was terrified. Athena was tiny, just barely bigger than his hand. She was so fragile, so breakable. And yet, one of the nurses had called her a fighter. A fighter. His tiny newborn, already fighting for her life. 

“Dio?” 

He looked up, seeing your eyes blink open. You were on general painkillers, but the epidural had worn off already. Dio had never had major surgery, but he had expected you to be weak after the birth. He carefully helped you sit up, wincing as you whined. “Does it hurt?” 

“Stupid question,” you pointed out, now sitting up properly. “I feel like I was run over by a bus.” 

Dio smiled, kissing your forehead. “You just had surgery,” he murmured. “I’m proud of you for being so strong.” 

You sighed, leaning back against the pillows. “How’s Athena?” 

“Nurses took her to the NICU,” Dio said. “Said she’s already a tiny little fighter, just like her mom.” 

He watched your eyes flutter again. You’d been up and down, mostly sleeping off the surgery. “Hey,” he said softly, squeezing your hand. “Stay with me babe, I haven’t told you the fun part yet.” 

“Fun part?” 

“My mom texted me,” Dio said, pulling out his phone. “Apparently, Athena looks just like me.” 

He showed you the tiny baby photos, and you laughed. “Aww, look at baby Dio.” 

Dio grinned, pressing a kiss to your knuckles. “Get some rest babe. I’m gonna head home to sleep myself. You want anything from the apartment?” 

“Can you bring me Athena’s blanket?” You asked. “And one of your shirts.” 

Chuckling, Dio gave you one last fleeting kiss and nodded. “Of course. I’ll be back tomorrow morning.” 

-One week post Athena-

Dio put a steady arm around your middle, supporting you as you walked slowly through the hospital. You’d recovered well, and the surgery scar was thankfully no longer severely bruised. It still, obviously, hurt like hell, but you were walking with assistance and eating on your own, and it was finally time to visit your baby. 

The NICU doors opened thanks to a nurse Dio now knew was named Mack, and they smiled as they led you and Dio to Athena. 

“She’s doing really well,” they said, gesturing to Athena. “Getting stronger by the day.” 

Dio stared down into the incubator. Athena was still covered in wires, tubes, and patches, but she was absolutely gorgeous. “Can we touch her?” 

Mack shook their head. “She’s still too fragile,” they explained. “You can sing to her or talk to her, because she can hear you, but touching is still iffy. In a few weeks, once some of the tubes aren’t required, you can absolutely touch her.” 

Two chairs were pulled up, and you and Dio sat down. He pressed a hand to the incubator glass, smiling at Athena. “Hey honey. It’s your dad.” 

Athena didn’t respond, but Dio kept going. “I’ve got your momma here too. We’re so proud of you.” 

You looped your arm with Dio’s, resting your head on his shoulder. “Sing her that Elton John song you love,” you said in a tired murmur.

Dio nodded, scooting closer to the incubator and softly beginning to sing Crocodile Rock. He’d been singing it to you all week, and now, he sang it to his daughter. 

-one month post Athena-

To say Dio was excited to have you home was just a mild exaggeration. He was over the moon as you went home with him, Athena still in the NICU. The nurses, who Dio now knew all by name, assured him that they’d call with updates whenever they could. 

You hummed uncomfortably, leaning against the doorframe of the bathroom as you headed in to brush your teeth. Dio sighed, looking up at you. “Need help?” 

“Just a headache,” you grumbled, hauling yourself onto the countertop in the bathroom and letting out a breath. “Long ass day.” 

Dio chuckled. “It was,” he agreed. “But you’re home now! And in a few months, so will Athena, and then our beautiful family will be complete.” As he finished, he kissed you, savoring in the feel of your lips on his. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” you said softly, falling against the safety of Dio’s chest. “But no more babies, okay? One’s enough.” 

Dio smiled, resting his cheek on your head. “Y’know what? I agree.” 

-two months post Athena-

Dio’s heart pounded. Today was the day. The day he met his daughter. The day he held her. 

The NICU nurse on duty, Zenix, led them to Athena. They’d been visiting every few days, whenever they could, but this was different. No more excessive tubes and wires, no more nerves when Athena began showing signs of having jaundice, no more worrying she would take a turn for the worse. Everything would be okay now. 

“Ready?” Zenix asked, and Dio looked at him, almost shocked. 

“What?” 

Zenix grinned. “To hold her, are you ready?” 

Dio’s stomach flipped. She was still so tiny, so breakable. But he knew she was strong. She’s survived this far, she was a fighter. “Yeah.” 

As Zenix lifted Athena out of her bed, Dio took his jacket off, leaving him in the softest shirt he owned, an old Fleetwood Mac shirt. He’d abandoned any and all jewelry today, nervous that any little thing could hurt Athena. 

“Alright,” Zenix instructed, holding Athena out. “Here she comes.” 

Suddenly, Dio was holding Athena. It was such a quick change that he didn’t even have time to register it as Zenix placed her in his arms and began to slowly adjust him so he was holding her properly. 

Athena waved her arms, curling towards the source of heat that was Dio’s chest. He bent inwards, bowing his head to her and lifting her up a bit. Her eyes, which had remained stubbornly closed until now, cracked open, and Dio almost started to cry. She had his eyes. Big and deep and brown, she looked up at him and gurgled. 

“Babe,” you said, and Dio turned to you. You were holding your phone up, smiling. “Say cheese.” 

Dio grinned, angling Athena as best he could. She made a noise, spitting all over herself. 

“She’s hungry,” Zenix said, grabbing a bottle and filling it with formula. “Wanna feed her?” 

Dio looked at you, raising his eyebrows. “You wanna do it?” 

You shook your head. “You do it Dio. I can feed her tomorrow.” 

Zenix came back with a bottle, instructing Dio through feeding Athena. It was a messy process, during which Dio got various fluids on his shirt and you laughed when he chastised Athena for spitting up on him as if she could control it. 

“Nap time,” Dio sang lightly, laying Athena back in her bed and gratefully taking a wipe from Zenix to clean his shirt off. “Let’s see what the jukebox is playing tonight. Hmm, Crocodile Rock or Tiny Dancer?” 

Athena wiggled a bit, and Dio took that as an answer. “Crocodile Rock it is.” 

-two and a half months post Athena-

“Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer. Count the headlights on the highway,” Dio sang softly, sitting in a rocking chair, slowly singing Athena to sleep. She remained stubbornly awake, blinking up at him with those irresistible brown eyes. Was this how you felt whenever he gave you puppy eyes? All mushy inside? 

Athena gurgled, waving one chubby fist in the air, and Dio grinned. Adjusting her so she lay in one arm, he put his other hand across her belly, very gently. Athena blew a raspberry, moving her fist to lay on his hand and uncurling her fingers to wrap them securely around one of his. 

Yet again, Dio was moved to tears. Her hands were so small and his were so big, her tiny little fingers unable to fully wrap around his index finger. He gestured you close with his head. 

“What?” You asked, looking down and immediately Aww-ing. “Look at you!” She said to Athena, poking her nose. “Holding daddy’s hand!” 

Dio smiled. “If it’ll get her to sleep, she can hold my hand all night.” 

-four months post Athena-

Dio waved to the NICU nurses, almost regretful that this would be the last time they saw each other. They waved back, giving you, Dio, and Athena a proper goodbye. 

“Can I carry her into the apartment?” Dio asked eagerly, getting into the car and watching you strap Athena into her car seat. 

“Sure,” you said, getting into the car yourself. “I am taking the biggest nap when we get home.” 

Dio chuckled. “You do that. I’ve got Athena.” 

The drive home was fast, and before Dio knew it, he was carrying Athena into the apartment. Everyone was there, your parents, his mom, Raven. They all cheered as he came through the door, his sleeping daughter in his arms. 

For hours, everyone talked, sitting in the living room. Athena was passed around, and kissed, but ended up back in Dio’s arms in the end. 

“She’s gonna be a total daddy’s girl,” Dio’s mother said. “Sorry hon, but that’s Shane’s baby.” 

“I know,” you said with a grin. “He’s gonna be a great dad.” 

That night, Dio gave Athena a sleepy apartment tour while you brushed your teeth.

“And this is your room,” Dio said, nudging open the nursery door. “Isn’t it pretty?” 

Athena didn’t respond, asleep in Dio’s arms. 

“Hey, don’t tell your momma, but there’s a ring in my pocket for her,” Dio admitted. “Figured now that you were home, we should make it official.” 

Again, Athena remained silent.  

“Yeah, I agree,” Dio said, sitting in the rocking chair and sighing, a deep joy settling over his bones. “I’m happy she’s here too.” 

He bent down, kissing Athena’s forehead and feeling her take a breath. “I love you. More than the moon and the sun and every star in the sky. I love you.”

[embeanwrites]

Finding Home Gavin Reed x Reader

Chapter 23

Masterlist

It took Gavin and me a total of 30 minutes to get dressed and head to the hospital my dad was at. I tried calling Connor in the car, but he didn’t answer, which caused me to worry even more.

Gavin was driving and he had one hand firmly on my leg that kept bouncing up and down. How did this happen? I kept asking myself as I stared out the window. I thought he was taking care of himself more. Why did this have to happen now? Right when things were getting better between us. Gavin pulled up to the hospital and stopped the car at the emergency room front doors.  

“Go find Connor. I’ll park and catch up.” I nodded and jumped out of the car, practically running into the hospital. I followed the signs for the surgery waiting room. I looked through the door window and saw Connor sitting in a chair with his eyes forward. When I pushed the door open he quickly looked over and got up. I ran to him and hugged him tightly, trying not to cry. He held me equally as tight.  

“What happened?” My voice was raspy, while my mind was racing the rest of my body was still trying to wake up.

“He got up in the middle of the night for a glass of water and I heard the glass drop from my room. I called the ambulance right away. They’re performing an atherectomy right now.” He pulled out of the hug and I reluctantly let go of him.

“Have…” I paused trying to stop myself from crying. “Have the doctors given you any updates?” I heard the door open again and in a second Gavin’s arms were around me. I grabbed his hands and held them tightly, welcoming the warmth and comfort. I noticed my hands were shaking, so I gripped his hands tighter in an attempt to steady them.  

“No, nothing yet. I have only been here for an hour. The surgery takes about two and recovery is about three hours, but that’s according to averages. I don’t know if it will be shorter or longer.” I nodded. “I didn’t mean to make you rush here. Humans need sleep, (Y/n). You can go home and I can call you the moment I get any update.” Connor said softly, I quickly shook my head.

“No, I’m staying here with you.” He started to argue. “Connor, I’m not budging on this.” I untangled myself from Gavin and turned to look at him. I gently took my hands and cupped his cheeks, running my thumbs across his stubble. “Gavin, you have work in a couple of hours, you should go home and get some rest.”

“I’m staying with you for as long as I can. I’ve run on less sleep before.” He put his hands over mine and gently pulled them down. He squeezed my hands and I nodded, grateful he was willing to stay. Connor sat back down and I sat next to him. I grabbed both of their hands and held them.

I woke up still in the waiting room. I must have fallen asleep at some point. Groaning, I sat up and wiped my mouth. I looked over at Connor.

“Oh my god, Connor. I’m so sorry I drooled on you. You should’ve woken me up.” I looked over to my left where Gavin had been.

“He had to get to the precinct. We both decided it would be best not to wake you.” I nodded and yawned. “There have been no updates, but I expect we will hear something soon.” I laid my head back on Connor’s shoulder.

“Are you scared?” I asked softly.

“The surgery has a high survival rate and the ambulance got to the house in under five minutes. Despite those reassuring facts, I still find myself worried.” Connor whispered. I noticed his LED for the first time since arriving. It was red.

“He’s strong, survived a lot. This won’t be any different.” I tried to reassure him, but I knew he could tell I was equally worried.

Another half-hour passed before a doctor finally came to talk to us. Both us stood up and met him halfway. I had my arm wrapped around Connor’s to keep myself from shaking too much.

“Ma’am, are you a part of the Anderson family?”

“Yes, we’re both his kids,” I answered quickly, the doctor gave Connor’s LED a quick glance, but decided not to say anything.

“He got here just in time. The surgery took longer than expected, but there were no major complications. He’s in recovery now.”

“Can we see him?” I asked.

“He’s resting right now. He’ll be in recovery for a couple of hours and then he’ll be moved to an inpatient room. I can have one of the nurses come to get you when he’s been moved.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Connor said. He gave us a tightlipped smile and walked away. We both sat back down. I felt exhausted but relieved. “Maybe you should go home and get some rest.” I shook my head and pulled out my phone.

“No, I’m not leaving.” I went to my email and sent my students an email.

Hi everyone,

Due to a family emergency, we will not be meeting in person on Tuesday. Instead, I am going to post a movie, and then on Thursday, we will discuss how the themes of the movie apply to what we are learning. Don’t worry, the film’s target audience was kids so we should have no problem discussing it. If you’d like to get ahead the film is “The Iron Giant.”

I will see you all on Thursday,

Dr. (L/n)

I decided to send Gavin an update text while I was on my phone.

Dad’s in recovery, the surgery went well. We’ll be able to see him in a couple of hours.

thats good. how r u feeling

Tired and worried. I canceled my class on Tuesday.

im going to talk to fowler, see if i can get time off

You don’t have to.

i know

on a case, ill stop by on my lunch break text me the rm #

Okay, stay safe

I took a deep breath and looked at Connor, his LED was still red.

“Have you told Fowler?” Connor remained to look forward.

“Yes, I alerted him last night. He put us both on leave so I can stay with Hank while he recovers. Nines has also offered to help cover our cases.” I nodded.

“I'll be there for him too, you don’t have to do this alone. My class is only two days a week and I can do my research from home.”

“I appreciate that, (Y/n).” Connor gently reached over and held my hand, I gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand, hoping to show him that he’s truly not alone in this.

We both sat in silence waiting for the nurse to come get us. After what felt like 10 hours she finally came over and led us to his room.

It was weird seeing dad in a hospital bed. It reminded me of my mom. When she was sick I got so desensitized to hospitals. We were in and out so often that it almost became a second home, a lot of the nurses even knew my name and kept up with my life. However, being here now makes it feel like the first time all over again. I hadn’t realized I had still been holding Connor’s hand until he gave me a light squeeze. Dad looked to be waking up.

“Hey Dad,” I said softly, letting go of Connor’s hand to sit in one of the chairs near him. I reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze.

“Hey kids,” Dad said hoarsely. “Sorry for scaring you two.” I shook my head back and forth quickly, afraid if I tried talking I would start crying again. I looked up at Connor who took the seat across from me.

“We’re just glad you’re okay, Hank,” Connor said softly.

“Connor, I think we’re pass you calling me Hank.”

“We’re just glad you’re okay...dad.” The three of us smiled and my dad gave a light chuckle.

I’ve been staying at the house for about two weeks now. I had only seen Gavin briefly on Tuesdays and Thursdays when he would stop by my office on his lunch break to check in on me. I can tell that everyone around me was walking on eggshells, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I felt as if I was coasting and I couldn’t seem to break out. Gavin was being extremely understanding of this whole situation. He’d even sent flowers to my office and some flowers to my dad. He also sent a bottle of whiskey that Connor immediately confiscated.

Connor ended up giving up his “room” so I could sleep there while I was helping him with dad. I tried to talk him out of it, but all he really used it for was to store clothes since he didn’t need sleep. He didn’t mind going into stasis on the couch. Connor seemed grateful that I stayed around to relieve some of the burden, besides it was nice being able to spend time with just Connor. I also think dad appreciated me being here to stop Connor from going crazy about his health and what he was eating. I did agree to an extent, but blanched chicken breast with no seasoning, not even a little bit of salt, is crazy.  

Connor and I were sitting on the couch watching some forensics show, that Connor enjoyed picking apart, while dad was resting in the other room. He seemed to be doing a lot better, but I couldn’t bring myself to go back to my apartment except to get clean clothes.

do u wanna come over tonight? connor can handle taking care of ur dad for one night

I don’t know, I have a phone interview tomorrow for my research.

tomorrows saturday

I know, but I’m interviewing Chris and that’s his day off.

u can do a phone interview from my house tho

i know u dont want to leave him yet but its one night and u need a break

ask connor he agrees with me

I bit my lip and looked up at Connor. His brows were furrowed as he rolled his eyes at something the “detective” said on tv. I kicked him softly with my foot to get his attention.

“Do you want me to leave?” I asked tentatively. Connor gave me a gentle look and a small smile. He turned towards me and folded his hands in his lap.

“I think a break is healthy, (Y/n). You only leave the house to go to your class and office hours. I can handle things here. Plus I’m sure you miss Gavin and he misses you.” He said softly. I groaned.

“I don’t like you and Gavin planning things behind my back.” He smiled.

“It’s for your own good. Just go out for one night and come back tomorrow, even if you two decide to just hang out at Gavin’s home. You need to take a break.”

“Just one night,” I whispered looking at my phone.

Pick me up in 30 minutes?

got it pipsqueak. nines is coming over too, something about not wanting to stay at the precinct all night again. is that ok?

Of course!

Some part of me did agree with Connor and Gavin. I was antsy in the house, but I was still worried about not being there when I’m needed. What if something else happened to dad while I was gone? What if Connor needed help and I wasn’t able to get back in time?

“You’re biting your thumb, (Y/n).” Connor’s voice broke through my thoughts and I moved my hand away from my mouth. Connor had begun calling me out whenever I was becoming overly anxious, which was both sweet and annoying.

“Sorry, nerves.” I gave him a wobbly smile.

“He will be fine. I know you’re worried, but I promise I will contact you the moment I fear something may be wrong. He’s been doing really well, it won’t be long until he’s cleared to return to work for desk duty.” Connor put his hand on my shoulder and I nodded.

“I know you’re right. It’s just hard sometimes to turn off that part of my brain.” I gave a nervous chuckle and he nodded his head.

“You should pack a bag, I’m assuming Gavin will be here soon?” I laughed.

“Wow, you sure are in a rush to get rid of me!” Connor rolled his eyes and shook his head. I stood up and stretched.

“Self-care is important, (Y/n).” I waved him off as I headed towards Connor’s room. Grabbing my backpack I filled it with some clothes, a laptop, and my phone charger. I sat down on the bed and fiddled with my bag. The room was just as bare as last time. Once dad was better I wanted to take Connor shopping so he could make the room more his. It would be interesting to see what he would pick out.

Snapping out of my thoughts I put on my backpack and walked back to where Connor was watching tv. I knelt down and started petting Sumo. He was lazing on top of Connor’s feet. I looked up at Connor, he was still entranced by the tv.

“Hey, Con?” I heard him hum. “Once things calm down do you want to go shopping for some decorations for your room? To make it more...you.” He glanced down at me with a small smile.

“I think that could be fun.” I smiled back at him. Things between us felt so natural as a brother and sister duo. Sometimes it felt like we grew up together, I guess for Connor’s case that wasn’t too far apart since he’s only been around for about a year.

“What kind of things do you like? Like what would you want in your room?” His brows furrowed for a moment, but it quickly turned into a smile.

“I would like a lava lamp.” I laughed abruptly, causing Sumo to jump a bit.

“A lava lamp? Connor why?” I said in between laughs, where had he even seen a lava lamp? His face flushed a light blue.

“They look cool. One of the characters in this show has one.” He responded sheepishly. I shook my head and let out another laugh.

“You are the biggest dork I’ve ever met.”

“You’re the one showing her students old movies because she thinks they’re underappreciated.” He teased back.

“Wow, look at you! You’re learning how not to be so uptight all the time.” He frowned.

“I’m better than Nines!” Connor crossed his arms across his chest and huffed in defiance.

“Well, you have had more time as a deviant than him. I’m sure he’ll pass you at some point.” Before Connor could respond my phone went off. “Ah, Gavin’s here. Are you sure you’ll be okay for the night? It’s not too late for me to cancel.” Connor’s expressions soften.

“Everything will be fine. I promise” I nodded and got up.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, text me updates?” I nervously fidgeted with the front door handle.

“Of course, (Y/n).” He gave me a reassuring smile. I took a deep breath and walked to Gavin’s car. Nines was already moving to the backseat, I briefly wondered if he had decided to do that on his own or if Gavin had asked him. Gavin smiled and waved at me. It really had been a while since we’ve relaxed together. I smiled back and got into the car.

“Hey, pipsqueak.” Gavin greeted me, leaning over to give me a kiss on the check.

“Hi Gavin, hi Nines.”

“Hello (Y/n). Thank you for letting me spend some time with you two. I appreciate the break from the precinct.” I nodded, as Gavin started driving.

“Do you always stay at the precinct?” I asked, turning around to look at him. He was sitting up straight with his hands in his lap. As always he looked overly formal.

“Yes, there has been an android apartment complex go up and I have been thinking about getting an apartment there, but as of right now I am perfectly content at the precinct.”

“Except tonight.” I teased, for a brief second his LED flashed yellow and then back to a calm blue.

“If I’m honest I also wanted to check up on you and make sure you’ve been taking care of yourself.” I groaned and closed my eyes.

“Great now I have two overbearing androids worrying about me.” Gavin let out a small chuckle.

“Would you really want it any other way?” Gavin asked. I could hear the smirk in his voice.

“No, I wouldn’t,” I responded softly.

[purplesurveys]

1031

Do you usually take blame or blame others? Depends on the context, I guess? When things go wrong on a very deep and personal level between me and people I deeply care for, I usually try to find reasons to blame myself. But if it’s something superficial, like if someone messes up at work through no fault of my own, then I’m able to point my finger to whoever fucked up.

Have you ever been to a McDonald’s in another state? I’ve been to McDonald’s in different provinces and also  in different countries. The McDonald’s we went to in Baguio was so surreal because we discovered that they were still using styrofoam containers that they had already phased out years ago everywhere else, and they also never changed the original spaghetti and chicken recipes I grew up with. It was such a blast from the past. As for other countries, I’ve tried out the McDonald’s in Malaysia, Indonesia, and China and made sure to order items that we didn’t have back home.

Have you ever seen 50 First Dates? Yeah, it’s one of my semi-guilty pleasures. It’s such a cheesy movie, but idk the concept is unique and the supporting characters made the whole movie enjoyable for me.

Do you like or hate the smell of fish? The fishy smell at the market can be pretty strong and bleck, but generally I don’t mind the smell of fish. I live in an archipelago, man. We live and breathe seafood. Idk anyone in real life who doesn’t like fish.

Have you ever been to Sea World? No.

Do you know someone who suffers from short term memory loss? I don’t think so, no.

Have you ever read any of John Green’s books? Yeah, but the only one I’ve gotten to read in full was The Fault In Our Stars. I also got to start on The Abundance of Katherines and Paper Towns, but because I only borrowed those copies from friends I never got to read either until the end. All were okay, but I don’t find John Green’s writing to be as great as it was once hyped up to be.

If so, which one is your favorite? I guess TFIOS, since that’s the only one I got to read through to the end.

Are you a protective person? With my loved ones and pets, yes.

Have you ever experienced an earthquake? Yeah I’ve felt a lot but fortunately it’s never been a severe one. Just super brief earthquakes where the most that happened to me was a little swaying.

Would you rather go to a beach or city for a vacation? I love beaches, but a change in scenery would also be nice because I already go to beaches for vacations fairly often. City.

Does your license plate number contain the number 8? I never actually memorized my plate number LOOOOOOL I think so? It’s either a 6 or 8.

Were you ever a ghost on Halloween? Nope.

Has someone ever held the door open for you? Yeah, security guards tend to do that for customers/guests. Sometimes, nice strangers that I enter a place with will do it for me too.

Are you a fan of penguins? I think fan is pushing it far lol. I like penguins, but I’m not obsessed.

Have you ever stayed up all night on a school night? Just a handful of times, and it was always as part of a groupwork. I’d never willingly go through an all-nighter for myself.

What’s your favorite brand of chips? Doritos or Pringles. We also have a local brand that makes these deeeeeelicious salted egg chips, but I’ve never actually taken note of what the brand is.

Has anyone ever sang to you? Not to me. But a lot of people have sung around me.

Are you a good painter? No. That’s why I opt for paint-by-number kits, because those come with a guide haha. I can’t actually craft images by myself – that skill belongs to my sister who has an insane talent for painting.

Before buying a car, do you usually test drive it? I’ve never bought a car by myself; my dad takes care of the car purchases. I know he test-drove the Vitara, but idk about the other cars we have.

Have you ever written a poem and then read it aloud? Hmm, I don’t write poems. I don’t find the vast majority of them appealing, and only once in a while will there be a poem that is able to speak to me.

Do you like pineapple? Nope.

Have you ever met your favorite author? I don’t have a favorite.

Do you look more like your mom or dad? Most comments point to my mom, but I’ll get the occasional remark that half of my face is my dad’s as well. I’m a good mix of both.

Have you and your best friend ever liked the same person? This hasn’t happened before.

When was the last time someone called you babe or baby? Maybe August? I’m not too sure. It’s been a few months.

Do you have an older brother? No. But I’m super close with my eldest cousin on my mom’s side and we grew up together and all that, and I pretty much consider him my older brother. He’s definitely more a brother than a cousin to me, and it has always felt and been that way.

Are you a fan of art? Yes, especially paintings and dioramas.

Did you get your mom or dad’s eyes? My mom’s, I think? I really don’t know, I’m bad at recognizing this kind of stuff. You’d have to ask people who actually see me on a daily basis.

Have you ever seen the movie My Girl? Is this the one with the really sad scene of a boy’s funeral and the girl’s like, “He can’t see without his glasses”? I haven’t seen the movie, but I’ve heard about that scene a million times.

Do you watch Teen Wolf on MTV? Ugh, MTV’s teen shows are such a cringefest to me. I never followed it, but I’ve had to watch a few eps back in high school when my friends would watch it while we were at someone’s place. Not my cup of tea.

When it was on, did you watch Cory In The House on Disney? I watched a few episodes, especially when it was still new. But we were also in the process of moving then and we didn’t have cable for a few years in our new house, so I had to miss out most of it.

Do you have any blackheads? I don’t.

Do you have any freckles? Nope.

Do you have a movie that you have to watch during the summer every year? No, but I have something similar. I like watching Love Actually at least once every year, during the Christmas season. I like watching Two for The Road once a year as well, regardless of the time of year.

Do you think that life isn’t fair sometimes? I mean yeah. It doesn’t revolve around me, so I know it won’t always be fair.

When was the last time someone bought you flowers? Valentine’s Day last year.

What was the last book you read? Midnight Sun. Haven’t touched it since September, though.

How many books do you plan to read this summer? It’s past summer, and I haven’t been doing a lot of reading in general.

Does your house have a dishwasher? No, not a common appliance here.

Do you know anyone who has a flower tattoo? I probably do. But I haven’t seen people outside of family for so long that I can barely remember who has which tattoos. I’m pretty sure I know someone who has flowers.

Do you like the name Carter? It just reminds me of the underwear brand honestly, so not a fan.

Have you ever had a secret admirer? No. Should there be one, they shouldn’t be having high hopes; I wouldn’t be interested in the least.

How many different languages can you say goodbye in? There’s English, Filipino, Korean, Spanish, German, French, Japanese – 7.

Agree or disagree: You like Adam Sandler movies. Disagree for the most part, but 50 First Dates is cute.

--

Did the last type of shoes you wore have laces? Yups. I wore sneakers when I went out to get Starbucks last Friday evening.

How much money did you spend yesterday? The charging cable that I ordered arrived yesterday, so I had to shell out ₱140 for that.

What genre is your favorite movie? It’s a romcom/drama. My other favorite is a drama.

Are you texting anybody right now? Nope. I’m all alone today, which is the way I want to be for this weekend.

Who was the last person you were in a car with? My parents.

Do you like the picture on your license/I.D. card? I really do, hahaha. I don’t know why the people at the LTO gave me a pass, but I had been allowed to smile with my teeth. That helped make my license photo turn out super well and I no longer feel embarrassed whenever I have to take it out and present it somewhere.

What’s your favorite thing to snack on while watching a movie? Potato Corner fries. Can’t be any other type of fries.

When was the last time somebody hit on you? July or August when this random guy slid into my PMs. I had never had so much fun blocking somebody so fast.

Was the last person you met a male or female? The last new person I met was male.

Which one of your friends do you feel most comfortable around? Angela or Andi.

Do you own a map of the world? I mean, I guess. I have a collection of the World Almanac for Kids books, and it had always included a world map in its Countries chapter every year.

What’s your favorite Thanksgiving food? We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving.

Is the light on in the room you’re in? No, doesn’t have to be as it’s bright out and I can see the sun from my window.

Who did you last spoon with? Gabie.

Are you currently watching TV? No.

Have you ever had surgery or stitches? Never. Hope I’ll never be needing one.

Do you own any clothing that has animal print? I have a tank top with cheetah print that I sometimes wear at home.

Does your family eat dinner together? Yes, every evening. We don’t eat together when my dad is working abroad, but since he has stayed home for all of 2020 because of Covid, we’ve gotten to eat together as a family all year.

Where do you work? Somewhere in Metro Manila; I’m not giving the city away.

Are you in high school? I got out of there nearly five years ago.

Do you have a TV in your room? I used to, but not anymore.

Are any of your electronics charging right now? My phone and laptop both are.

What was the last video game you played? Mario Kart 8.

--

Are you hungry?: I can def go for a snack, or maybe even a full meal. It’s taking everything in me not to order Popeye’s or Army Navy from Grab rn.

What color is the chair you’re sitting on?: I’m sitting up in bed; my sheets are blue with gold/yellow prints.

What did you buy last time you went to the store?: I got bottled coffee when I went to 7-Eleven a week ago.

Do you like salsa that has fruit in it?: ...Don’t all types of salsa have fruit in them though? It would be brand-new knowledge to me if I was told not all salsas have fruit.

Have you ever opened up your computer to clean the fan on the inside?: No. I’d rather have professionals do that.

Can you count in binary?: No, and I never even understood how it works.

Do you think stained glass windows are pretty?: No. Mostly because it reminds me of cathedrals.

Are you a chocoholic?: Nah. I like chocolate, but I can live without it.

Are you scared of snakes?: I mean if they were venomous or obviously wanted to eat me whole, of course. But I’ve also already held a couple of snakes before.

Have you had your wisdom teeth removed?: No.

Do you like hard or soft pretzels better?: Soft all the way. I find the hard ones too salty.

What was the last magazine or catalog you looked through?: I don’t even remember. Maybe Tatler? My grandma has loads of those at her house.

When was the last time you wore a raincoat?: I don’t think I have ever worn a raincoat.

Have you ever been carded when buying something?: Idk what that is but nothing out of the ordinary has ever happened to me whenever I’ve made a purchase, so I’m gonna go ahead and say no.

Do you eat meat?: Yep.

Corn and mashed potatoes, or beans and rice?: Both pairings aren’t really a part of our cuisine, so neither sound appealing to be honest. As someone who thrives on rice, I hate the idea of eating beans with it; so I would go with corn and mashed potatoes even though I’m having a hard time imagining how it would work.

Can you sleep with the light on?: I probably can, but it would take me a lot longer to fall asleep.

What’s your operating system of choice?: Mac/iOS.

Have you ever broken a bone?: Never.

Do you have a favorite highlighter color?: I don’t have a favorite color to use, but I prefer pastel shades in general over neon.

Do you have a flashlight?: My phone has a built-in flashlight, but we also keep a couple of emergency flashlights at home in case of blackouts.

Do you like watermelon?: I like some watermelon-flavored stuff like candies, but I’m not fond of the fruit.

…Honeydew?: Hahahahahaha. BoJack Horseman, anyone? Anyway, I’ve never had honeydew and probably wouldn’t like it considering my established opinion on fruits.

Can you shoot a gun?: I’ve never tried, so I’ll say no. I’ve always been meaning to go to a shooting range though; I feel like it’ll be such a cool experience.

Do you like salad?: Not for the most part. The only kind I enjoy is spicy tuna salad, which only has lettuce in it alongside tuna sashimi and spicy mayonnaise.

When was the last time you smashed your finger?: I don’t know if I ever have? This doesn’t ring a bell to me.

What color is your computer?: Silver/gray.

Have you ever made ice cream in chemistry class?: No, my chemistry classes in high school and college were never that fun.

Has anyone ever walked in on you while you were on the toilet?: Sure.

What color hair do you have?: Black.

Do you use the microwave often?: I wouldn’t say so; just a couple of times a month.

Are you good at spelling?: Sure, I’d claim that. Thank the movie Akeelah and the Bee; that movie made me super passionate about spelling and dictionaries for a time. I can still feel its effects today because I’m still very much particular about spelling more so than any other kind of writing/language mechanic.

Have you ever petted a donkey?: I’ve never even seen one before :o but I’d love to have the chance to pet one, heh. It would make me so happy.

When was the last time you went to the doctor’s for a physical?: 2016.

Do you like a lot of ice in your drinks?: Sure.

Have you ever painted a room? Never have, but would like to give it a try.

[readbeneaththelines]

Giving Him Control Pt. 17

A/N: The contract between a Dom and a Sub can be vital to prevent any misunderstandings or complications in the relationship. It can be negotiable, and can include whatever is agreed upon between both parties.

Characters: Ravi x Reader

Warnings: Lots and Lots of angst, major character injury, misscarriage, just saddness galore (I’m sorry, but if you know me, you know this is sy style)

Word Count: 3470

You spent the next week relaxing and enjoying time with your friends and your family. You parents were concerned of course about you being pregnant and unmarried, but you told them that everything was going to work out for the best. You hid the heartache that surfaced when you thought about that not being true, that maybe during this time he wouldn’t want to stay with you in the end. Ravi took the time to think about how this would change not only his life but yours as well. You were both still fairly young, a lifetime of things yet to happen. Would bringing a child into the world keep you and him locked down? Would he end up regretting being with you and the baby? His head told him one thing, but his heart told him that none of it mattered. He was in love with you, and he knew he could come to love this child in the same way. By the second week, he was going stir crazy, wanting to call you and tell you that it was time for you to come home to him. 

By Wednesday night he hadn’t received a text or call from you. He promised not to worry since you told him you were going to be traveling to see family the first half of the week. He was worried about you, worried that you were taking care of yourself and the baby. By Thursday morning he had had enough. He cancelled all his meetings and packed an overnight bag. He was going to get you and bring you back where you belonged. Opening the front door, he was met with a layer of freshly fallen snow that covered the driveway in a blanket of white. Sighing heavily, he trudged his way to the jeep, Turning the heat up and putting his bags in the back seat. Ten minutes later he was on his way. Having procured your friend’s address, he set the GPS and headed out. Every few minutes he would check his phone for any messages, disappointed when you still hadn’t contacted him. 

Turning off the main highway, he pulled onto a small back road, the GPS telling him he was about thirty minutes away. The chirping of his phone drew his attention away from the road, his eyes glancing at the screen to see your name in bold pop up. Swiping to look at the message, he peered at the road quickly. He turned his attention back to the phone, smiling when he read your message.

I’m ready to come home

If you’re ready for me 

Love and miss you

Putting the phone in the passenger seat, he looked up a second too late. He saw a car a few feet ahead of him in the opposite lane, hit a patch of black ice. In slow motion, time passed before him. The car came careening head on into his lane, and he was unable to react in time. The last thing he heard was his own voice calling out your name.

You held your phone in your hand, anxiously awaiting his answer. As time passed, you became more and more nervous at his lack of response. You father entered the dining room, his face creased in lines of worry.

“Y/N, what kind of car does your boyfriend drive?” he sat down beside you.

“Umm, he has a Bentley, a Jag, and a Jeep, why do you ask?” You turned to face your father head on, crazy thoughts immediately filling your head.

“What color is the Jeep?” You stared at him, your mind reeling to find the answer to his question.

“It-It’s a royal blue one. Dad, why are you asking me these questions? Dad, what’s happened?” your panic rose to terrifying heights as his face fell. 

“I just got a call about an accident fifteen minutes away, a blue Jeep was hit head on by another car. It was heading this way. Y/N, I think it may be Ravi.” suddenly your stomach dropped, nausea consuming you. 

“No. It’s not him, he would tell me if he was coming to get me. He would of called me, dad. He would let me know!” Tears were streaming down your face at the idea of Ravi being hurt because of you. 

“Where was the accident?” You stood up, grabbing your keys as you headed for the front door.

“Y/N, you can’t drive in the weather, there’s black ice. Let me take you. They said they were still working the accident. I was on my way to help when I heard about the car.” Your dad knew that if you had your mind set on something, there was no changing it. If you wanted to be there, then you would find a way to be there. You hopped in your dad’s four-wheel drive SUV, making your way to the scene of the accident. You made it to the scene in twenty minutes, the wreckage sending your heart into overdrive. There were a total of three vehicles, one a royal blue Jeep and the other two sedans. Your eyes focused in on the Jeep. The first responders were using the Jaws of Life to peel off the driver side door, a limp body hunched over the steering wheel lifeless and unmoving.

You wanted to tell whoever was screaming to stop, that was until you realized the siren pitched scream was coming from your own lungs.

“No! No! No! Ravi! God please no! Don’t let it be him! Ravi!” Your lungs burned as you ran to the scene before you. They had just pulled the door off when you came up beside it. His arm was at his side, swaying from the movement of the jeep as they worked quickly to get him freed. Blood was trickling down his face, falling in a pool on his lap. The engine was practically sitting in his lap, his legs caught underneath. You watched in horror as they laid the seat back, cradling his head to keep it from moving. You couldn’t tell if his chest was moving, but when they started CPR, you knew he wasn’t. 

“How long has he been like this? When did he stop breathing? When!” you were yelling at the rescue workers. One of them came up to you, putting their hands on your shoulders.

“He just stopped breathing. He went into shock, now please step back, they need the space to get him free.” the young woman took your hand, walking you back a few feet. Numbed from what you were seeing, you let her lead you away before your will kicked in. Wrenching your arm from her grasp, you ran to the passenger side of his vehicle.

“You son of a bitch! You cannot leave me like this! You can’t leave me! Dammit Ravi!” Two strong arms engulfed you, lifting you off the ground and carrying you away. You father held you close as you cried and fought his hold on you.

“We’ve got a pulse. Hurry up and get him out, we can’t lose him again.” Your head snapped up at the voice. You turned in your dad’s arms gripping his hand as you both watched them working to get his legs freed from under the engine. It took what seemed like an eternity to get him out, but you exhaled the air in your lungs as you watched them place his limp body on a stretcher. You were let go and your feet carried you to his side. You told them who you were and the EMT let you ride in the ambulance with him. You sat back, your body shaking from both fear and cold as they continued to stabilize him until they got to the hospital. You ran beside him until they wouldn’t let you go any further. You stood, frozen in place as you watched the doors close in front of you. You couldn’t move, you didn’t want to move. You were afraid that if you turned your back, he would be gone. In the distance you heard your friend calling your name, your mother’s voice mixed in the haze.

“Y/N, you need to come sit down.” Haeri whispered in you ear. You turned to look at her, but your eyes were vacant, empty. You felt gentle hands guiding you to a chair, helping you sit down, then wrapping you in a warm embrace.

“He’ll be fine, Y/N. He’s going to be fine.” your mother cooed into your ear. You wanted to believe her, but what you saw had you believing otherwise. The only thing you could see was his lifeless body hanging in the balance, slumped over the steering wheel. Minutes passed into hours, everyone that was gathered with you trying to get you to eat and drink. You quietly refused, not wanting to leave the waiting room in case they came out to talk to you. Noon passed into evening before someone came out and called your name. You looked up through wet lashes to see a young man standing with blood on his scrubs from top to bottom. You knew instantly that he was coming to tell you that he was gone. The man you loved was gone from you and your baby’s life in a split second of time.

“Ms. Y/N?” His eyes scanned the room, settling on you as you rose from your seat.

“That’s me.” you barely got out as you walked to him, every step felt like you were treading through quicksand and you were sinking.

“He’s in surgery right now. We aren’t sure of the extent of his injuries, but I can tell you he is walking a fine line right now. The next twenty-four hours are the most critical. Once he is out of surgery he will be going to the ICU. We will send someone to get you when we are finished." You thanked the man and went back to your seat. You relayed the message to everyone, relief washing over you that he was still with you. 

Morning light was just breaking when a young nurse came to tell you that he was out of surgery and was on his way to his room. Your friends and parents made their way up to the ICU waiting room with you. You were brought a blanket, and you stretched your aching limbs out on the couch. Your head was resting on Haeri’s lap while you mother had your feet on her lap. Just as your eyes were closing, you heard a deep voice calling your name. When you rose up to a sitting position, the man made his way over to you.

“Hello, Ms. Y/N? I’m Doctor Lee, I will be taking over the care of Mr. Kim. I just wanted to update you on his condition and answer any questions you might have. Mr. Kim came in with several broken bones, a skull fracture that has caused some swelling of the brain, a punctured lung, and an abrasion to his liver. We have repaired as many bones as we possibly could right now, repaired his liver and lung wounds, and we placed a shunt to relieve the pressure in his skull. I'm going to be completely honest with you, the next twenty-four hours are going to be touch and go. If he survives, we will re-evaluate his condition. Do you have any questions?” he looked at you with sad eyes. The only thing you felt was your soul leaving your body. 

“When can I see him?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to see him, he is unrecognizable in his current state.” The doctor said in a flat tone.

“I don’t care. I want to see him. I need to see him. We need to see him.” You hand covered your stomach and the doctor looked down. His expression softened at the knowledge that you were pregnant with Ravi’s child and he nodded.

“The next visiting hours are in ten minutes, you can go see him then. But please do not stay very long. He is in a medically induced coma to assist with the brain swelling. He can still hear you, but we need to keep him as calm as possible.” You nodded back at him, promising to stay for just a moment. 

Time passed, the seconds ticking by too slow for your liking. At last the announcement came for visiting time and you were on your feet in a flash of movement. You held your breath as you came to his room, preparing yourself for what you might see, but you could never prepare yourself for what awaited you. The doctor was right, he was unrecognizable. His head was wrapped in a bandage with a long tube sticking out to the side. He had metal contraptions on both legs, holding his bones in place. There were tubes poking out from his sides and all kinds of wires and tubing attached to his chest and arms. He looked almost robotic, no sign of life present as he laid still as a statue in the bed. You reached for his hand which was cold and unmoving. You wrapped your fingers around his rubbing small circles into the cool flesh with your thumb. 

“You idiot. Why didn’t you wait for me? All you had to do was wait. Look at you now. You can’t leave me, Ravi. We need you. I don’t even care what you decided, I was willing to make it work. So you can’t pull out on us now, you have to be here for me. I can’t do this on my own, I can’t do this without you.” Your head fell onto the covers, your tears soaking through the lightweight blanket that covered him.

“I hate you Kim Wonshik! I hate you for trying to leave me alone like this. Don’t you dare, don’t you dare leave me to bring this child into the world without its father, I will never forgive you if you do.” All you got in response was the steady beeping on the monitors, the whirl of the ventilator that was keeping him breathing, and the solitary tick of the clock on the wall. Regaining your composure, you rose up, leaned over the bed rail and kissed his bandaged head.

“I love you, and I’ll see you in a bit.” You walked out, running into your mother’s arms as she held you while you cried. By the next afternoon, your parents and Haeri took turns staying with you at the hospital. Each one took their turn on bringing you food and making sure you eat enough to stay healthy. While you were in his room for the evening visit, the doctor came in to check on his status. He checked his reflexes, inspected the external fixators, and checked the head injury. 

“His vitals are stable, and there has been no extra swelling. That is a good sign, Ms. Y/N. We will keep him under for a few days just to be sure, but hopefully by the beginning of next week we can wean him off and see how he does.” You grabbed his hand making him stop in his tracks.

“Doctor Lee, what are his chances of coming back as himself? Or even with minimal permanent brain injury?” you gripped his fingers tightly, ready for the worst case scenerio.

“It really is up to him at this point. It depends on how much of a fighter he is. He has something worth fighting for, so hopefully he will find his way back. He smiled at you, even though it was a wary smile, and left you alone with Ravi. Turning back to his bed, you took his hand in yours.

“You hear that? You have something worth fighting for waiting for you to come back to us. I miss you so much, Ravi. please come back to us. We need you.” You did your little ritual of kissing his head and caressing his cheek before you left. 

You slept when you could, ate when you were made to, and only left long enough to take a shower and come back. The waiting room had become your home as you waited for the day that they would wean Ravi from his coma. All you wanted to do was see his beautiful eyes again, see him smile at you the way he used to, And to hear him say your name again. The reality was though, that none or only part of that might happen. He may not remember you, he may not want you around him. But you had to take the risk, you had to see if you would be able to salvage anything you had with him. He was worth it, every bit of it.

Monday came not soon enough, and you were waiting for Dr. Lee to arrive. You had convinced the ICU nurse to let you stay until he came. You were laying in the lounge chair, your head on the covers and Ravi’s hand in yours when he arrived. 

“Morning Ms. Y/N, how are we doing today?”

“A bit nervous, honestly. I am curious to see how things go today. I’m ready to have him back with the living, if you know what I mean.” you gave a weak laugh, thankful that he did so too.

“Well, I’m going to slowly start decreasing the medications. If he tolerates it okay, then we will continue. It may take all day, or we may have to go back a step or two. It all depends on how he does. The last X-rays and scans show him healing up very good internally. His brain has reduced in size to near normal, so let’s take a deep breath and see what happens, okay?”

You thanked him, them sat back down. A few minutes later, the nurse came in, gave you a smile and nod, then punched in the new doses of his IV medicines. 

“It may take a while, why don't you go grab some lunch? Will let you know if anything changes before you get back.”

You hated the thought of leaving him, but she was right.  You reach into your bag, taking the now worn picture of your baby and placing it in his hand.

“Something to remind you of what’s waiting for you.” with a kiss and a touch you were heading out the door. Calling your parents, they convinced you to come home and rest, promising to take you back later that day. The sun was bright in your eyes as you stepped outside for the first time in a few days. The cold air nipped at your cheeks and you pulled Ravi’s tattered jacket around your body. His scent still lingered on the fabric and it fills your nostrils. Arriving at your parents’ house, you showered and changed clothes, pulling his sweater from the bag the hospital had given you. You relished the warmth it gave you, making you feel safe and secure as it covered you. You ate a bowl of homemade soup and drank some tea as you told them what was going on today.

“I feel guilty leaving him there. I want to be there when he wakes up, just in case.” you told them, worry tugging at you.

“Rest for a bit, if he wakes up they’ll call you.” Your dad held your hand, offering the only comfort he knew to give you. Hours passed as you slept on your bed, images of him in the wreckage filling your dreams. You woke with a start, a sharp pain stabbing in your lower gut. You screamed for your mother, who came running into your room. You were doubled over, your arms wrapped around your waist as you rocked back and forth. Your dad gathered you up, placing you in the passenger seat of the car as she rushed you to the same hospital Ravi was in. Lying on an exam table, an ultrasound tech was swiping the wand over your belly, the pains coming and going in waves. A woman doctor came into the room, asking your mother questions as you were examined. Two hours later you were getting the news you didn’t want to hear.

“Ms/ Y/N, I’m sorry.” You sat on the table, mind and body numb to the news you had received. You were losing your baby, and there was nothing you could do to stop it. Denial set in as you argued with the doctor.

“It’s not possible. My baby was fine. I- I don’t-” You mother wrapped you in a hug, rocking you like she used to when you were a little girl.

@aspaceformyself @trapped-inside-my-head @beautifulseoulliar @maxinaptak @seoulsunshineandstories @xjamlessparkx @kpop-addictedloser @astronomyturtle  @trashkazuya @micky1518 @rosiemilas @karri570  @kwonnansi @kpop-addictedloser

[szopenhauer]

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? no

Who is the person you would least like to be stuck in a lift with? Why? smelly drunk puking rapist murderer - do I really have to explain? If your parents looked in your inbox and read your messages, would they find out anything you didn’t want them to know? my sexts Have you cried at all during the past week? ... When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? now, no comment Who was the last person you had an argument with? how would you feel if that person never spoke to you again? both good and bad

Do you like forks with three metal pokers, or four? I don’t care Would you ever wear a hat with cat ears on it? I already do 

Have you ever eating raw sugar by itself? when I was a kid I was stealing it from my grandma’s sugar-bowl  Do you paint your left or right hand fingernails first? I don’t recall but probably left as I’m righty What about for your feet? not that I paint them but whatever What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done? hmm... Do you think fish are cute? some can be If you found an ant on your food, would you still eat it? doubt it How much do you weigh? 42 kg now

What was the shortest amount of time you’ve known someone before you’ve dated them? but dates or relationship?

Do you have any theatrical experience? If so, what have you done? just school

Don’t you hate it when people talk about their relationships constantly? every subject you talk about constantly is getting on my nerves tbh

Is there anything you need to say to anyone? I don’t know how/what/if I should/want to

If you could have anyone to do your eulogy, who would it be and why? my dad

If given the choice, would you rather go to Subway or a Chinese restaurant? Subway

Do your neighbors annoy you in any way? many ways

Whose car were you in last? I was in a taxi

How late did you stay up last night? I barely slept at all because of cannula/venflon and feeling like I’m choking, also noise and anxiety

What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? coming home 

Who did you last see in person? mom

When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? today (my father)

What is on your wrists right now? finally nothing and that feels weird, I constantly want to fix my ID wristband but it’s not there anymore

Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing? second hand - it has an elephant and Perfectly imperfect written on it

Do you like clowns? very

Are you listening to anything at the moment? I am

Do you twitch when your falling asleep? it happens at times but only rarely

Are your dishes in the dishwasher clean or dirty? we don’t own a dishwasher

Are you at home or with friends more often? home and I like it that way

Would you date someone 15 years older than you? noooo

Do you own a strapless bra? nah

How are you feeling at this exact moment? it’s complicated

Are you someone who worries too often? absolutely

Do you ever wonder how other people see you? obvi

What is one good thing you’re known for? How about one bad thing? don’t ask me

Are you taller than most? lmfao 

Are you the type of person who likes to be out or home? take a guess...

Has anyone ever said i love you to you and not meant it? it seems

Do you regret going out with the last person you did? going out as dating or just spending time with somebody outside?

When was the last time you showered? few days ago because I couldn’t move my arm :( 

Who did you last talk to in person? my mother

Do you ever have days where you just don’t do anything? yeah

Have you ever been extremely tired but refused to go to sleep? hahaha

What’s the longest amount of time you’ve been stuck in traffic? not sure

What area of math are you best at? Worst? dunno

How do you feel when you meet someone with the same music taste as you? only Dorota had similar taste in music to mine not counting my current gf’s love towards 80s songs that we share

How often do you “half-ass” things (put little effort in)? often?

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? yes

Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? sure

What’s something that makes you incredibly nervous? everything?...

If you don’t have glasses, how would you feel if you had to get them? mixed feelings

If you do have glasses, how would you feel if you didn’t need them anymore? -

Have you ever considered going to art school? I have considered and am slightly regretting that I didn’t

How quickly can you write an essay? depends

Favorite episode of Spongebob? it’s not my fav but I remember the one where Spongebob painted the room most (why tho?)

Do you have any silly/odd emotional connections to anything/anyone? would say so

Do you play with your phone in awkward situations? I might

Do u own a rolling pin?: u don’t? :o

What’s your ideal indoor temperature?: never checked 

Does your kitchen have a theme?: ... apparently poop is the theme 

Are u a pack rat?: mhm

What’s the grossest thing u have found in your food?: bug, hair, piece of plastic...

Do u like ice cream sandwiches?: why not

Ever worn a flower in your hair?: for a moment

What surgeries have u had?: none 

What health problems do u have?: what health problems I don’t have?...

Do u like to sleep in?: yasss

Don’t ya just hate foot cramps? who likes those? 

Would you say you have an infectious laugh? not really Shouldn’t you be doing something else right now? omg thx for a reminder :o What is something you worry about often? every single thing Do you walk fast or slow? compared to?... Would you consider yourself healthy? Both mind and body. not at all Does sitting in waiting rooms drive you insane? not as much as majority of people, I can wait for a long time when I see the point and don’t feel the worst, I don’t need much entertainment to not get bored What form of public transport do you use most often? bus Would you consider yourself an adrenaline junkie? the opposite Have you ever been arrested? If so, why? I’m an angel Do you ever put sticky notes around the place to remind yourself of things? I have shitload of notes but they’re not sticky  Would you eat a spider for $50? hell no Would you rather be a kangaroo or a koala? koala Are you easy to talk to? am I? Can you juggle with more than two items? I can’t juggle with one item pfft At airports do you ever worry your luggage won’t arrive? scary but luckily I don’t travel by plane What other windows have you currently got opened? fb, youtube, tumblr drafts, google translator and google searching Who else is in the same building as you? my parents Would you like a penny farthing bicycle? maybe Would you ever consider visiting Ireland? what for? Would you like to visit Venice? no thx Did you ever eat leaves when you were a kid? my sister did Do you have any flags in your house? we occasionally put polish flag on balcony Are there any ‘keep off the grass’ signs where you live? just don’t throw trash on the ground on cemetery Have you ever walked on the grass with such a sign? that’s rude unless you really didn’t notice or had no choice Are you double-jointed? could say so At school which area of science did you prefer: biology/chemistry/physics? definitely not physics Which did you prefer between geography/history? neither Have you ever driven a tractor? didn’t have an opportunity  Does the smell of the countryside bother you? animal shit does Do you drink more water or juice? water 

Sweater weather or tank top weather? Which do you prefer. I like it hot, I hate winter but I enjoy sweaters Is there a cat in the room you’re in right now? stuffed only Do you enjoy going to the movies? prefer to watch movies at home

Are you an animal lover? I admire from afar How tall are you? according to my doctor I lost 2 cm  Is there anything you want to ask anyone right now? God  Are you gay, straight, bi, lesbian, asexual, or not sure? asexual/lesbian Are you more negative or more positive? negative Have you made any life altering decisions lately? I’m deciding

Do you have any songs currently stuck in your head? not atm Have you made a CV? several Where is the last place you applied for a job? (If you have) which was the last one... Are you photogenic? I’m ugly

What are you listening to right now? stopped because family member is asleep What are you going to do tomorrow? shopping if anything

Have you ever been judged on something you wore? been bullied

Think QUICK what word begins with c? clown :D

Are you a funny person? I believe  Be honest, do you go for looks more or personality? personality is more important but I’m picky

Are you a flirty person? a bit

Are you homophobic? I’m homo myself so...

How would you react if someone said you ruined their life? I know I ruin everybody’s lives

If you’re home alone, do you still close/lock the door when you use the bathroom? I don’t lock ‘em even when I’m not alone

What’s the stupidest song you’ve listened to today? nothing stupid

How is your hair currently styled? it’s dirty and after this survey I will wash my head finally

Do you ever stay up late just to be awake oh well...

Would you ever write a letter to someone you haven’t met yet, like your future spouse? I don’t think so

Would you rather spend the day watching movies or on an intense hike? entire day just one thing?!

Are you stressed about anything? always Have you ever stood on a frozen solid body of water? too dangerous for me Are you one of those people who take like, 50 Facebook quizzes at a time? whoops :x What’s on your bed? it’s so clean/empty that it freaks me out Are you texting anyone? no longer

Did your last beverage contain caffeine? it was just water

Did you get any friend requests on Facebook today? did not

What’s your least favourite song by your favourite artist? for example - one of my fav bands - Queen - I dislike Radio Gaga and We will rock you

What’s your best friend’s middle name? no middle name!

Who was the last person to comment on your Facebook status? my partner

If the person you miss turned up at your door now, how would you react? woah wtf

Where were you THREE hours ago? in here

What are you wearing right now? my leggings with colorful heart pattern

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? parent

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? I got two shirts and socks 

What day is tomorrow? Friday

Do you remember the first person you ever kissed? we’re together now again

Ever use someone else’s toothbrush? that’s disgusting, don’t!

[jawnjendes]

i’m tired too | shawn mendes

university au summer vacay babey, shawn x goth gf

*******just letting yall know that the chapter before this, girl you’re trouble did not appear in the tags when i posted it, so if u havent read it go ahead and do that now :P

masterlist | series playlist

My tongue was between my teeth as I focused on my reflection in my little compact mirror. Carefully, I filled in my eyebrow with dark brown powder, ignoring the people sitting on either side of me on the couch. Having two sets of eyes on me made it hard to carve out the enhanced version of my face, though. I tried to shift in my seat to get them to focus on literally anything else, but neither of them let up.

“She’s so good at that,” Mom said in admiration. She was sitting on my left.

“Isn’t she?” Shawn agreed in the same tone. He was on my right.

I paused and sighed. The previous evening, Aaliyah pointed out that my mom and her brother had some uncanny similarities. I thought she was just bringing light to the fact that they both… adore me. But they had the same mannerisms, like talking with their hands. They were both optimistic as well, unlike me… and my dad. I pretended not to see any similarities until now. I was just glad Aaliyah wasn’t here now to triumph in her discovery.

“Are you guys gonna do this the whole time?” I asked, looking back and forth between the two of them.

“Well, you’re so pretty,” Shawn said, bringing a hand up to stroke my cheek.

I leaned away from his touch. “I just did my foundation!”

My mom laughed. “She won’t let you touch her either! I’m glad it’s not just me!”

Shawn gave me a surprised look. He learned just a little too much about me in the last twenty four hours, and it wasn’t stopping anytime soon.

Luckily, my dad, who had been scrolling through his phone on the other side of the couch, piped up. “Shawn, I heard you play guitar?”

That started the music conversation. I was glad to have the attention off of me for once, all anyone asked me about these days was my stupid hospital stay. Plus, I could finish my makeup in peace. Not to mention, Shawn was still convulsing and crying in his sleep, so things were… not ideal at the moment. But he got to talk about his love of music, which was something my dad could relate to.

“You know, I used to be in a rock band,” he said. “Back in eighty-seven, me and my buddies played shows from my parents’ garage. That’s how I met Lucy. She was standing at the front of the audience for every show. We only had about ten people attend if we were lucky, but she was always there.”

Mom placed her hands over her chest fondly. “I think music has a beautiful way of bringing people together.”

You wouldn’t be able to tell just by looking at my mother, but she lived for heavy metal. She was the one who introduced me to the symphonic metal bands I listen to now.

“Oh, a hundred percent,” Shawn agreed. Then he told me parents that he and I met at one of his shows at a coffee shop.

Today was much more calm than the last. My parents slept on it, and they decided that they were just happy that I was live. I was just glad they stayed at a hotel, too. I couldn’t imagine being holed up with them after not living with them for a majority of two years. I also wouldn’t know how to explain why my boyfriend was yelling in his sleep every hour.

I really did miss my mom and dad. It kicked in when they had to go home at the end of the week. I was supposed to be home too. None of this was supposed to happen this way.

~

After my parents were gone, I was able to get around the apartment by myself. I didn’t need a babysitter anymore, so I tried to be happy about that. However, my incisions still kept me from doing anything strenuous, which meant I had no excuse not to return to work anymore. Most of what I did was sit behind a desk in a tiny office, so I made my first day back that Friday. I figured I might as well make some type of income to, you know, pay for my books for the next semester and uhhhhhh fucking live. I had to find my independence again somehow.

Anyway, my first day back at work was as mundane as it always was. It was like I wasn’t even gone for three weeks. Stacy gave me a professional “welcome back” and then hit me with the work I missed that I needed to catch up on. I spent the morning adding up gas receipts, entering vehicle information into the computer, and booking service appointments over the phone.

In the afternoon, Jason and Luca came in for their shifts. They approached the window of the office and stopped in their tracks.

“You’re here?” Jason asked in disbelief. “Weren’t you quitting?”

Clearly, no one knew or cared where I had been lately. I mean, I must have told Stacy to keep it confidential while I was high on morphine. Even then, I wasn’t exactly popular here.

“I had surgery, and now I can’t hop on a plane home,” I explained shortly.

“Oh, so you were dying and you weren’t planning on telling us?” Luca said, holding a hand up to my face in a dramatic fashion. “How dare you.”

I blinked once and then got back to adding numbers from the stack of receipts. The two of them entered the office, and that was when another question popped into my mind.

“Who covered me while I was gone?”

“Not me!” Jason said as he went to his desk at the back of the office.

Luca stood by mine and puckered his lips like he was thinking to himself. That said it all for me.

“Shoulda known.” I rolled my eyes. “Not a goddamn thing was done, and it’s month-end.”

“Hey, Stacy told me to book appointments,” Luca said defensively. “I lost commission these last few weeks because of that. I sell cars. I’m no receptionist.”

Bet he didn’t even book appointments either. Bet Stacy told him to cover all of my responsibilities. Luca just did not give a flying fuck about anything.

I spent my lunch hour in the car. Normally, Shawn would have come to meet me so we could eat together… or not eat. He was working too, though, and from the texts he sent me, he had been working on a flower arrangement for a wedding. He was going to be busy all day. When did we become a boring, married couple?

“You’ll never believe who they put to cover me while I was out,” I typed out in a text to Shawn. I munched on my white rice as I sent it.

“Who?!” he replied within a few minutes. I could almost hear the enthusiasm.

“Fucking Luca. He did fuck all, so I have a bunch to catch up on. Plus, it’s the end of the month, so we all have to close a bunch of sales and warranties and all this other boring crap. I’ll be home a little late.” Send. More white rice. God, I’m tired of rice.

My phone buzzed again while I was scrolling on Instagram. Shawn had replied. “Aw. Ok hon. I’m gonna have a couple of friends over tonight, just letting you know. Some of them want to see how you’re doing.”

“Ok. I’ll see you at home.”

“Love that you see my place as a home now :)”

Uhhhhhhhhh… Who’s gonna tell him? Who has to remind him that I was staying at his place for convenience, because I am recovering from a surgery? That I literally almost died and my complications kept me from travelling long distance…? Who’s gonna tell him?

~

I was horrifically fatigued when I got home. I seemed to have forgotten that stressing over numbers and annoying phone calls was mentally straining. Maybe travelling by car wasn’t a great idea either, but how could I not drive? I had a job to go to. I had an apartment to get back to. As I walked up to the front door, I wished that I didn’t have to worry about things like income and bills to pay. I just wanted to lie down and not get up again.

Walking into the apartment, I realized I probably wouldn’t even get to do that.

First of all, the door was unlocked. Shawn had given me a key, but apparently I didn’t need it this time. I was met with music and laughter as stepped over the threshold. I found people, strangers, when I peered into the kitchen.

It was a small kitchen, but there were five frat boy looking guys all holding plastic red cups. Among them were three breathtakingly pretty brunettes. I’m talking Instagram models, wearing sparkling crop tops and skin tight leggings. They were all laughing about something until they saw me at the doorway.

“Rock on, emo queen,” one of the frat boys said, holding up the rock and roll sign.

Yeah. Even in my work uniform, which was a button up with the company name on, was in fact black. Not to mention, the eyeliner I had put on in the morning smudged so much throughout the day that I now looking like a raccoon having a mental breakdown.

Awkwardly, I continued padding down the hall, finding more people standing and talking amongst themselves. Again, more ridiculously pretty girls and their dates. All I could smell was weed. I tried to keep a stink eye off my face, but it was the only thing that made people move out of the way so I could get to the living room.

Finally, there were people I recognized. Brian, Connor, Teddy, and Shawn were among a bigger group of strangers sat on the L-shaped couch. So this was a couple of friends?

Shawn noticed me first and raised his arms in the air, making me notice the red cup in his hand. “Look who’s here!”

That caused several pairs of eyes to turn to me, causing me to feign a smile. Everyone raised their drinks and cheered. Oh god, I was in a room of drunk toddlers. I was in a whole ass apartment of drunk toddlers. And my fucking boyfriend was the toddler hosting the other toddlers.

“Come, sit here,” Shawn said, waving me over. “I missed you!”

I still felt awkward and tired and far from the vibe everyone else was currently on. I stepped over and went to take the empty space next to Shawn, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me onto his lap. My face went hot at the gesture, but not because of the affection, or the fact that he chose to rest his hands on top of my thighs. His chin rested on my shoulder, and I could smell the alcohol in his breath. Oh jeez.

“Man, let your girl breathe!” Brian joked, seeing the discomfort on my face.

“It’s fine,” I said sheepishly. I noticed several empty plastic cups and shot glasses on the coffee table. It wasn’t even ten o’clock yet.

“Yeah,” Shawn agreed, “I mean, I’d sit on her lap, but my poor baby had surgery. Wouldn’t wanna hurt her.”

Before I could retort, Teddy spoke up. She, too, had her own cup and was very obviously under the influence. “Oh yeah! How did that go? What even happened?”

I was going to reluctantly explain, but Shawn spoke for me again.

“My little fighter looked death in the face and said ‘fuck you!’”

Several gasps and fascinated expressions came from the group on the couch. I resisted the urge to plant my face in my hands. There goes my business, out in the open for everyone to put their noses into.

“You almost died?” Connor asked in shock.

“Ooh, story time!” Teddy announced. “Spill! Now!”

Been home for ten minutes, and I was not in my pajamas lying under the covers. For me, this was a couple of steps away from a worst case scenario. All eyes on me, expected to talk about things I wanted to keep quiet about. And it was all prompted by my drunk boyfriend, of all people.

“I had a bowel resection, and then I hemorrhaged,” I explained curtly. Then, I moved Shawn’s hands off my thighs and got to my feet. “And now I have to stay here and recover for the whole summer. The end.”

Some people booed at the length of my story. I’m sure I was expected to tell an awesome tale about the battle against my infected guts, but I was really not in the mood for that. I had to tell the story twice at work, and that was enough for me.  I didn’t really care about being a massive party pooper at the moment.

“Baby, where you going?” asked Shawn as I stepped away from the group.

I sighed and turned back to him. “I’m gonna change out of my uniform, and then I’m going to sleep.”

He pouted and got up to approach me. He came up close, so things felt a little more private. “Come have fun with me. We never have fun anymore.”

The plea in his voice was a jab straight to the heart. But I couldn’t find it in me to change my mind and stay with him.

“I’m not really in a party mood,” I said apologetically. “I had a long day, I’m really tired.”

Shawn’s face fell even more. His hazy, tipsy eyes filled with concern. “You want me to kick everyone out? I’ll do it! I’ll do it right now!”

I quickly got ahold of his wrist before he could rally the troops. I already had enough guilt on my shoulders. “No! No, no, no, don’t do that.” I held his hand in both of mine, and I ran my fingers over the swallow tattoo. “Have fun with your friends. You’re right, things haven’t been fun lately, and I’m sorry for that. You deserve a good time, even if I’m not there. Just have a drink for me, okay?”

He could have put out some things about how the party would be better if I was there. He could have sweet talked me into sitting on his lap again for the whole night. Instead, he squeezed my hand and said, “Straight tequila, right?”

Relief washed over me. “Yes. Remember to drink water too.”

“I gotchu, honey.”  Then, he leaned in a pressed a sweet kiss to my lips. “Keep the bed warm for me.”

The taste of alcohol on his lips made me one percent more likely to join him in the festivities. The other ninety nine percent yeeted my ass to the bedroom. Once I was alone, the crushing feeling of deliberate isolation sent me to the surface of the bed.

I was the type of tired that kept me from actually sleeping. I could sleep through plenty of external noise, living in a college dorm was enough experience. It was just my foggy brain and burning throat getting in the way. I grabbed my Switch from the nightstand and played Smash Bros, tuning out the sounds of people having a better time than me.

Every so often, I heard people cheering or chanting, “chug, chug, chug!” I remained curled up in bed, fighting people online to get my frustrations out. Taylor Swift’s Love Story came on around 1AM and everyone screamed the lyrics, while I brought my t-shirt to the bridge of my nose to catch oncoming tears. I felt guilty and selfish every moment I wished Shawn was here to spoon me til I fell asleep. He spent so much time worrying about me, he deserved to forget it all once in a while. God knows I wanted to do the same, but my insides were still recovering.

I had put my Switch away and I was lying on my side by the time people were saying their goodbyes out in the apartment. Some guy was praising Shawn for having such “epic parties” as they put it. Weird, this was the first party of his that I witnessed. We’ve been together just over six months. How much of himself was he holding back because of me?

“Whoo!” I heard Shawn yell, followed by a glass shattering loudly.

The sound woke me up a little. Meaning, my legs got me standing and dashing out to the living room. My eyes scanned the place, which was now vacant of people and full of trash, but I found Shawn sitting on the floor just outside the hallway.

The place was a mess. Half empty cups, food, and mysterious stains covered every surface in the apartment. I was only worried about my boyfriend.

“Hey, cutie,” I said affectionately, bending down so we were at eye level.

Shawn’s eyes were hooded, but sparkling. He gave me a toothy grin and held up a peace sign.

Then, Teddy emerged from the kitchen. “Oh, did I wake you? I dropped a cup, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I wasn’t exactly sleeping,” I told her, still looking at Shawn. I waved my hand in front of his face, only for him to blink slowly. “Uh, how much has he had to drink?”

Teddy chewed her lip as she thought about it. “I lost count after his fourth shot.”

“My girlfriend told me to have ten tequilas,” Shawn slurred, belching right after. “I think I had like, six.”

I held my breath and waved off the stench. Someone was in for a long night, longer than normal. I didn’t think he would take me seriously, but then again, I did not tell him to have ten shots of straight tequila.

“Oh yeah, he mixed his liquor too,” Teddy said.

I sighed and moved Shawn’s long arm over my shoulders. “Okay, vamos mi chulo. Let’s get you to bed.”

Teddy stepped in to help get the six foot toddler to his feet. Shawn stumbled and swayed, his long arms hanging heavily on our shoulders. I baby talked him as we slowly strolled to the bedroom, and I told Teddy I could take it from there.

Shawn burped again as we got closer to the bed, and he groaned. “Ugh… this isn’t fun anymore.”

“Okay, let’s go to the bathroom,” I said, steering him the other way.

It took a minute to get him positioned in front of the toilet. It took less than a second for him to lean over the bowl and return everything he drank. As much as the sights and sounds of vomiting brought me dark and lonely flashbacks, I went and sat on the edge of the bathtub. I rubbed Shawn’s back and practically waited for it to end.

Once that was overwith, I really couldn’t go back to sleep. I managed to lay Shawn down on the mattress. The sparkle in his eyes was gone, now replaced with chilling emptiness. I took the liberty of pulling his leather boots off his feet, and I removed his socks as well. Then, I draped the comforter over his long body.

“Stay with me,” Shawn mumbled, his arm reaching out to me. “Let’s forget all the bad shit…”

It seems that no amount of alcohol could make him not think about the last couple of weeks. My heart began to ache all over again.

“Go to sleep, okay?” I said gently. “I’ll be with you when you go to sleep.”

Shawn whined. “You always die in my sleep. I love you too much to let you go.”

I had a feeling that that’s what he had been dreaming about. But I really could not get myself to lie down with him. I was too antsy from the vomiting.

“Wait for me, okay?” I told him, stroking his hair. “I’m only gonna be a few minutes, and I’ll come back.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

He’s drunk. He’s going to sleep no matter what.

Once Shawn was all tucked into bed, I left the room and quietly shut the door behind me. In the living room, Teddy was picking up plastic cups and shoving them into a giant trash bag. I really wasn’t expecting her to still be here. Wordlessly, I began helping her clean up. Anything to get my beating heart to slow down.

“What were you doing this whole time if you weren’t sleeping?” she asked me. “Was the music too loud?”

“No. It wasn’t anything from the party,” I replied, scooping up paper plates and used napkins. “Just had a long day. I wasn’t in the mood for a party.”

“Oh.”

She glanced at me a couple of times as she dumped more trash into the bag. This was supposed to be the part where I bare my soul to my boyfriend’s friend and make her my friend, but… Enough of my business was out there already.

Teddy, however, was persistent. “So, how come you didn’t want visitors at the hospital? Or when you got out, for that matter?”

I busied myself with fixing the sofa cushions so I could come up with a decent answer. “Uh, I like my privacy. Especially in moments where things are messy.”

“Hm. Well, aren’t messy moments the times when you need friends the most?”

That thought lingered in the air as we continued tidying up the living room. I could have had my video game club friends there, or Shawn’s friends, but instead I left most of the burden to Shawn himself. What kind of a person am I?

At last, Teddy got the last of the garbage in the bag, and she tied it shut. Then, we moved onto the kitchen. More cups, spilled booze, and the broken glass from earlier. Oh, how I did not miss house parties. I was at the prime age of partying, being 21. I should have been the type to be as drunk as my boyfriend was, to just have fun and forget the stresses of life. But I found myself on a completely different level than the people who were here tonight.

“Do you stay up late often?” Teddy asked, trying to fill the silence yet again.

We both paused as the sounds of loud, monotonous humming came from the bedroom. Teddy scrunched her brow and tilted her head. My shoulders tensed with chills, like ice cold water had been spilled down the back of my shirt.

“To answer your question,” I told her, “yes.”

She followed me to the room, but she stayed at the doorway while I went to Shawn’s quivering body.

“Baby, wake up,” I said urgently, shaking his arm. “Wake up, it’s only a dream, baby…”

He was on his back, head moving from side to side in harsh moments. He groaned, completely spastic, so I coaxed him some more.

My voice shook. “Shawn… please. I’m here, please-”

His eyes flew open with a loud gasp. He sat up, breathing hard and fast. I placed my hands on his broad shoulders, getting his attention.

“Hey, look at me. You’re okay, it’s okay. You’re safe.”

Brown eyes were wide with panic, and then sadness. Within a second, they were filling with tears, and Shawn was wrapping his arms around my waist. With a shaky sob, he buried his head in my neck and cried quietly.

I had a pained looked on my face while he wasn’t looking. I just held him and stroked his hair. I was whispering the things I always said when he was in this state. “You’re safe with me. It was just a dream, it’s not real.”

I was able to coax him back to sleep for the time being. It was only going to happen again, though. I didn’t know how to stop it from happening.

When I stepped out of the room again, I leaned against the wall by the doorway. Teddy was gone, probably fled the uncomfortable situation. Can’t say I blame her. I sighed heavily and brought the palms of my hands to my misty eyes. I was beyond exhausted now. I was at a loss.

A hand went on my shoulder all of a sudden, making me jump. I looked up, finding that Teddy was still here, glass of water in her hand. Her blue eyes were concerned and upset, like the world had just ended in front of her. I pushed past the feelings, though.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were still here,” I said, my voice thick with emotion. “Uh, did you need a ride home?”

She shook her head and held up the glass. “My fiance is coming soon. Here, drink.”

I offered a weak smile and accepted the gesture. As I sipped, Teddy said something that threw me off.

“He told me he was handling his nightmares. Had it all taken care of.”

“Why would he say that?” I asked in return.

“Didn’t want anyone to worry, I’m guessing. But I can see how tired he is. I can see how shaken up he is. I mean, he never goes as hard as he did tonight with the liquor. And worst of all, he hasn’t written a song in weeks. He hasn’t been in the studio at all.”

And it was my own damn fault.

“Does he tell you what he dreams about?” I dared to ask.

“No,” Teddy said. “I don’t think he tells anybody. I think he needs something beyond our help.”

“You’re right. I need to talk to him about this, because I know he’s not gonna talk to me.”

She placed her both her hands on my shoulders. “Hey. I’ve seen Shawn with quite a few girls over the last couple of years. I’ve never seen him head over heels until you came along. He loves you so much, he can’t fathom the idea of losing you. He loves you so much that he won’t talk to you about this because he doesn’t want you to feel bad.”

I wasn’t sure if that was supposed to make me feel better, because I was barely coherent as I spoke. “I already do…”

~

For once, I was up and running before Shawn was. His last nightmare happened around six in the morning, and after that he slept normally. The hangover probably had something to do with that. I left him a glass of water and painkillers on the nightstand, and then I went to the kitchen to attempt a type of breakfast.

By the time had eggs scrambled on a plate, Shawn was stumbling out of the room, glass of water in hand. He rubbed his eyes and yawned, and then he ran his fingers through his curly hair. He was still in the navy blue t-shirt he wore last night, but he ditched his jeans and went for the underwear look.

I met him halfway from the kitchen, presenting him with his mediocre breakfast. “Morning, sunshine.”

“For me?” he asked, and I nodded. “You’re the best.”

He sat at the round glass dining table as opposed to going to the living room. He must have been really hungover. I sat next to him and basked in the silence as he ate. My hands were tingling from the nerves.

“How ya feelin’?” I asked in a stupidly gently voice, reaching over to rub his arm.

He hummed through a mouthful of eggs. When he swallowed, he spoke. “My head is pounding. But I took the pills you left for me. Thank you for that, by the way. Who cleaned the apartment?”

“Me and Teddy. After you knocked out, we just decided to tidy up so no one had to worry about it the next day.”

“Well, thank you. One less thing to worry about.” He ate in silence some more, and then spoke some words that truly had me puzzled. “I slept the whole night for once. Feels good.”

Must be nice to not remember your night terrors. However, I had to tell him.

“Shawn…” I said slowly. “You woke up like five times. You had a panic attack one of those times.”

He slowed his chewing, staring at the table top in thought. He stayed quiet, and it freaked me out. He practically shut down, and it scared me for multiple reasons.

“I don’t know how to help you,” I admitted, watching him carefully.

“It’ll wear off,” he said weakly.

“You don’t know that.” I had to be firm. “I don’t know what you’re seeing in your sleep, but I know it scares you so much that you won’t talk about it. And you talk about everything, so that’s how I know it’s bad.”

Shawn looked down, still silent. Not giving me a possible solution to this. Does he even want help? Or am I just exaggerating and losing my mind?

“You don’t have to talk to me about it,” I continued. “Just talk to somebody. Last night, Teddy told me that you were taking care of all of this, but you’re not. I don’t know how you’re functioning during the day, because I’ve been exhausted and sleep deprived. I know you are too, and I’m not the only one who sees it. I, I don’t know how much longer I can watch you go through this.”

Again, he was quiet. He was never quiet. Shawn was feisty and passionate, ready to say anything to prove his point at any given moment. He had strayed from the Shawn Mendes I loved in such a short amount of time. It was happening so fast, watching him slip through my fingers. It felt like I was the one in a nightmare.

“Please,” I mumbled, my voice quavering. My bottom lip began to quiver.

Shawn suddenly looked up at me, eyes wide at the sounds coming out of me. Even when he was sinking, he still paid more attention when I was about to cry.

“I’ll, I’ll give you my therapist’s number,” I offered, losing my composure. “I-I don’t know if she’s taking anymore clients, but I-I-I’ll give up my sessions for you. I’ll do anything if it means you’ll get some help. Shawn, I… I’m begging you. I’m begging you to get help, because I don’t know what to do anymore… a-and it’s because of me why you’re like this, a-a-and I’m sorry-”

I gasped when I realized Shawn had placed his hands on either side of my face. His thumbs rubbed my tear stricken cheeks, and he spoke calmly and gently.

“Okay,” he said. “Okay, I’ll get help. I promise. I don’t wanna go through this anymore either. I promise I’ll figure this out.”

I guess that’s how I knew I was falling in love. The want and need for him to be okay was so great, there was nothing I wouldn’t do to make that happen. The fact that he was not okay was ripping me a new one. I couldn’t even breathe when he slept. I couldn’t even think about how much I wanted to be in California, because then I’d have to think about leaving Shawn all alone. Who would talk him down from his night terrors?

My hospital stay alone triggered nightmares and eerie silence from him. But what would Shawn have done if I had died altogether?

[book-of-ryker]

When the Navy found out I smoked marijuana, I was at a firing range. I had an M-4 and an M-9, one being an automatic rifle, the other a pistol.

They disarmed me immediately, and I remember knowing why they did.

In the twenty seconds it took me to walk over to the disarming barrel, my thoughts were, “Pull the pistol out, put the barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger” for as many times I could mentally repeat before I lost the opportunity. I called my dad while a Chief was on his way to pick me up.

After the phone call, I deleted all of my Facebook messages at the recommendation of my father.

All of my text messages. too. My dad swore the Chief wasn’t my friend, and would screw me over at his first chance and not to tell him anything, at all.

The deleted threads of conversations with people who either didn’t exist anymore, or we had stopped talking.

I must have chain smoked about fifteen cigarettes in the hour and a half it took for this Chief to arrive.

All the while, I had been wishing that I had the courage to just pull that fucking trigger.

That anxiety was unbearable.

I went to a DRB, which is where I stand in front of a bunch of senior enlisted military.

At first, I came in with my shoulders back , military discipline and all. At the end, I was escorted out by a compassionate Master Chief, and I was bawling.

I have wanted to kill myself for as far back as I can remember. I smoked weed because all of my pain in life is unbearable and my mind never shuts the fuck up.

I don’t understand reality the way everyone seems to and it’s isolating, like being in the dimension next door.

"Most everyone who doesn’t know me resents me. Most everyone who knows me tolerates me," I tell myself.

I sat outside and cried, blubbering to these senior enlisted folks.

As a Second Class Petty Officer with all of the skills that I had possessed. I was in the United States Navy for five long years, and nine excruciating months and two awkward days.

I had been to mental health multiple times in my  Naval career. The first psychiatrist that I ever spoke to was at NATTC Pensacola.

It’s not even six months of me getting out of the Navy now...

My present life finds me in this bed at some house in South Carolina, Like a muscle, those words stream across my mind like a teleprompter, “You should have died on that day. You should have fucking killed yourself.”

And for myself, I finally gave myself the courage to tell myself, “No.” "I love you for just who you are. I love the way you think, I love the way you handle thing[s] (most of the time ^.^), I love what you do. You have a very solid and strong mind, you think things through very thoroughly, and you have a very good outward perspective. I don't know if that helps, but that's the best I can come up with while working." Let me tell you what I think happened before I tell you why I think we should reconnect. I'm 26 years old and the one and only thing in my life that I regret, to this day, is what I once said simply to hurt you. I was an awful boyfriend for you. Not all of the time, obviously. But my only regret comes from when I said out of annoyance and irresponsibility, 'I guess you're going to have to celebrate Thanksgiving without your boyfriend or your mom.." You eyes glazed over me. You slumped over. And you sobbed. I walked towards you and hugged you because that sort of rage-to-regret is exactly the kind of Bipolar Disorder that I am used to. It's been my entire life, Nicole. It's all I have ever known. Albeit, the worst of it all is over and I'm just waiting for all of my hopes and dreams to bloom into the flowers I have been cultivating. The night we went to Twin Peaks was the night you said goodbye, even though you never did. You and I both are aware that we would come across each other someday, I think. I don't have any proof for that delusion/hope, but hey, I don't know everything which means I have unfettered access to being totally wrong and totally right, until one of us is deceased. I do remember being in absolute bliss that night we met up and you were drunk with me in the Whataburger drive through and that's about all I have for that. Mike and I moved out of the house because we wouldn't be able to renew the lease before I had to get my new job in the Navy. I moved into an apartment on the second floor and I got a dog named Itachi. I did loads of LSD that I'd gotten and I had a REALLY FUCKING AWFUL TRIP with Hailey Campbell (also tripping) and Rian Nobles (not tripping). I went to my grandmother's funeral in New York with my Dad and Alex. I found out that my photographic memory is real because I reminded my Uncle about the fit my brother went into at the LAST funeral we gathered. Which was Renee's. I lived with Lauren Teston for a long time after that. I started smoking weed because, Nicole, I didn't know what to do.. Everyone has always left me, and I only NOW understand why: me. But I didnt see it like that. It didn't feel like that.. It didn't feel like I had an emotional problem. I didn't know. But in retrospect, Nicole, my emotions felt like a chainsaw to my insides. Our breakup was the healthiest breakup for me, and it was also the worst. (2020 readers, it got way worse) I didn't leave for California until right before October 10, 2016. I was trained to be an Engine Mechanic by the Seabees and I learned a fuck ton about cars. I did more PT than anywhere else in my military career. Every Friday was a 4:30 A.M., seven mile run with the whole school. Really, it was a fourteen mile run, but it makes me sound less of a douche if I say seven, maybe. I came home on leave for Christmas and I smoked even more weed. I came back to California to finish my school. Byy the way, there were two onomatopoeia's in a barracks room together: Petty Officer Quackenbush and Petty officer Miao (this or 'mao' is also the Chinese word for cat") I left Port Hueneme after meeting Johnny Depp in L.A. I drove, for the third time, across the country. I was at Gulfport, Mississippi for a few months, learning combat procedures with the Seabees. I pissed hot in Gulfport. I wrote a poem that I'll attach later about what that was like. I went to some military proceedings, reduced in rank,  lost a lot of money, had to go to two different hospitals for one month. I first went to Garden Park Hospital for a suicide watch that I had been placed under after the military proceedings had broken me down to where I couldn't take it anymore. I bawled my eyes out to men I'd never met because I could no longer believe that people didn't care about me. I was suicidal given the circumstances, but I was suicidal before I ever got caught smoking. The only reason I smoked was because I didn't want to be suicidal. A 51 year old woman tells me at this place that she, "Would be surprised if I never heard of you again. I stayed at Emerald Coast Behavioral Health (This is when I called you in 2017) and I learned an entirely different way of living. I was told that I have Bipolar Disorder I, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety, Osteochrondroma in the left knee. I was told a handful of tools to help myself become a better person. I then went to restriction, which is where a person is constantly monitoring me while I do nothing but work and survive. I did that for forty five days which dragged forever. I left. I stayed with my dad and I had a good first month out of the Navy. I was happy. I was excited and nervous and terrified. I smoked SO much more weed. I drank SO much more booze. And cigarettes. I was helping my dad build a deck in the backyard. My car was repossessed about one and one half months after getting out. I had nothing. I started working under the table as a contractor for a few months, but my mom and I got into a fight and I was kicked out of the house for the second and last time of my life. I moved in and slept on a friends floor. He had a bum knee from a recent surgery and so I quasi-morphed into his at-home nurse. Started doing dabs and malt liquor with friends. Eating popcorn for food, drawing outside for five hours, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. I did this for a month until my depression (booze) had become evil. I tried hanging myself on a dog line and I had to leave their house.. I stayed with my dude Sam for a few days and then moved in with my brother for a day. I feel nothing for him anymore, and so I really dont want to elaborate about this because he will always be a peace of shit. I went to a music festival that got shutdown by a hurricane. I got to do LSD/blow/weed for free because I was working security and I have worked with the team before. Hell, the guy in charge personally handed me $275 because of how badass of a watchstander I am. I then migrated to Asheville, North Carolina where my eyes were opened to the world we live in. And how great a thing love is, Nicole Renee Gable. But after this, I really had nowhere to go. That is until I remembered that I knew a guy from when I was in Japan.. We only ever really interacted in the smokepits. After he found out I had been sleeping on the floor of my friends house, he told me that if I was ever in South Carolina that he had a guest bedroom waiting for me. I lived with him and his wife and their son while I got a job as a forklift driver at BMW. I got another car (since been repossessed, not as debilitating for me now). I moved out and lived with a dude that I thought was a friend. He ended up being a real twat of a motherfucker. Before I knew he was a real dullard, I left BMW about two weeks of me living with him. It was too military.A HUGE millitary-industrial complex. He fucked me over so that I had nowhere to go and I didnt have a job. He left. I had the apartment by myself. It was a blur of events past that. Between the weed, the booze and the mental health issues, I am grateful to be writing this. This guy's stripper girlfriend (Her name is Sam and she's nice as well as bananas) came to find me in a fucked up mess of my own doing at the apartment. After I came to, she and I decided that I needed to check myself into a mental health center. With no insurance. I had only a few boxes of stuff (I drove down to Florida at one point to get my shit). After I was in for a week (I know what I'm about and the solutions I need), I got a job working as a cook in a strip club. The BEST job I ever had because I actually made some good money. (30 girls dancing in one night with $5 tips to me is a lot of moolah) However, I didnt make enough money to stay. I only made enough money to leave. I bought two edibles and had a nice relaxing eight hour drive to a friend's house in Pennsacola We had a personal falling out/disagreement. I worked as a line cook at Slimz at the Al Fresco in Pensacola. I saved up money to come out to California. I'm with one of my few best friends, Tymothy. Upon my arrival here, my car was repossessed (I bought in South Carolina, which is fucking crazy that they found me). My life is coming together though, Nicole. I am generally happy in my day to day lifestyle. I'm hoping to be officially retired from working for the rest of my life within this next year. It turns out that there was A HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE scandal in the Navy and I'm going to use my genius mind to collect the disability that I deserve. Monthly, that payment could land anywhere between $800-2900.. For the rest of my life. I have an amazing home loan that I will get to use once the ball has begun rolling. Nicole, I really dont think I love you as much as I should have and that bothers me. Not in a negative way, at all. It makes me feel like I need to write this email to you. Like I owe you more for what you gave me, Nicole Gable. You might not see it, Nicole. The only reason I ever went along with the mental health is so that we could have a healthy relationship together. Whatever that even fucking means as far as the definition goes. Hell, for all I know, you could be seriously dead or worse. You could be dating somebody.. 😝 I havent dated anyone quite seriously. I've been on a couple of dates here and there, but I just didn't/don't care. I hope that all of these women find someone that loves them as much as I know I can love you someday, if you could ever trust me... If you're with someone, I seriously hope they love you as much as space-time can hold matter and energy and light and dark matter. The greatest lesson I have learned since we spoke last is that we will live our lives from the shades of fear and the radiations of love. I love and accept myself now. I love myself exactly how you once loved me. I don't know where on this rock you are, but if you'd like to never have to work again, please reach out to me. I would be honored, if you would ever be willing. It's still going to be a few months, so you can think about this for awhile..? If you ever wanted to live in California with me someday, I mean. Hell, we could be roomates. You could wear chastity belts and Amish outfits all year round . I don't know anything.. I hope that this email finds you well. I hope it has given you smiles. I hope you have a blessed day. [Update]  It is now the year 2020.  I am.  The world is the world. Hell is hell.  We’re all stuck on a rock in the middle of nowhere.  If there’s someone reading this, be aware: you do not exist. This is my spaceship.

[dykexion]

tagged by @minatodilf ty Ash 👌👌

What was your last

Drink: just plain water

Last phone call: my dad (I'm not big on phone calls so only my parents really call me normally)

Last text: telling @vulturousculturalist to go to sleep because it was 1am and I'm the responsible friend uwu. if discord messages don't count then I was texting one of my friends calling Zero from megaman a himbo at like 5am

Last song you listened to: Kansas by Gorillaz

Last time you cried: a few days ago I think

Have you ever dated someone: nope! being a small town dyke that goes to a catholic school unfortunately doesn't give me many dating prospects 😅

Been cheated on: nah

Kissed someone and regretted it: I don't think so actually, I once kissed a friend and it was,,,,a lil weird and we're not actually friends anymore (unrelated) and I don't like her but,,,,it was just something that happened I guess

Lost someone special: not really

Been drunk and thrown up: never been drunk! I never drink enough to make me more than just a lil tipsy

List three fave colors: black green and purple

In the last year have you…

Made a new friend: yeah!

Fallen out of love: nope

Laughed until you cried: many times, I laugh at things really easily

Met someone that changed you: I have no sense of self so maybe lmao

Found out who your true friends are: haha yeah. it was fun having an "intervention" staged about me being "unnecessarily rude to everyone and unable to make friends" when I reported a kid for harassing my other friend and making sexist and racist comments. needless to say the person who did that's not my fuckin friend anymore

Found out someone was talking about you: hahaha.

Kissed someone on your FB friends list: don't have facebook

General

How many people on your FB friends list do you know irl: don't have facebook

Do you have any pets: unfortunately no though I adore all kinds of animals. I do lay somewhat of a claim to my friend's cat because she actually apparently likes me better than the people who live with her lmao (take that Lorna!)

Do you want to change your name: hmmm i don't think so tbh, I was thinking of going by a shortening of my middle name (Louise -> Lou) occasionally but idk lmao

What did you do for your last birthday: I don't think I've actually done anything for my birthday since I was like 10. I was gonna meet up with a few friends last year but coincidentally there was a school trip the same day and we got stuck in traffic on the way back so I couldn't do that :/

What time did you wake up today: about 4am. I went to sleep just after midnight and woke up four hours later unable to go back to sleep. I'm out of school for the summer but I've still been instinctively waking up at around the time I'd get up for school anyway but today just took the biscuit and woke me two hours before that

What were you doing at midnight last night: watching the snapcube Sonic 06 fandub

Name something you CANNOT wait for: uhhhhhhhh idk tbh. something will probably come to me immediately after I post this though

Last time you saw your mother: saw her like an hour ago

What is one thing you wish you could change about life: not to be stereotypical but money probably. my family's kinda in deep shit atm because we're paying out our arses to keep my grandma in the care home she's at bc we can't take care of her but that costs a serious amount of money so we don't have too much left for other stuff and it's just a tad Worrying

What are you listening to right now: I've got Gorillaz on shuffle on spotify and I can also kinda hear the rain outside

Have you ever talked to a person with the name Tom: unfortunately yes.

What’s getting on your nerves: thinking about my exam results that I'm not gonna get back until the end of August that decide my academic path for at least the next two years

Most visited website: YouTube and Tumblr

Nickname: not too many people call me nicknames anymore but cookie and amy-lou are what people used to call me (still do occasionally)

Relationship status: single

Zodiac sign: libra (+ aquarius moon and rising)

Pronouns: she/her or they/them + I also go by he/him in my head sometimes.....indecisive

Fave tv shows: I don't watch too much TV but uhhh recently I watched good omens and lucifer they were alright

Hair color: brown but I used to be super blonde when I was little. I'm also hopefully dyeing it soon, probably purple

Long or short: I prefer having my hair short and I've gone through cycles of long hair to short hair through my life lmao. the current short hair has stayed for three years so far though so thats A New Record

Height: 5'3

Do you have a crush on someone: idk tbh

What do you like about yourself: uh. despite being a major dumbass I'm actually quite clever and I like that I can help people with that. when I'm not hiding them behind my glasses or fringe I get complimented on my eyes occasionally so that's a nice physical thing. oh and also being gay as hell yeehaw

Tattoos: I don't have any but I'd kinda maybe want a simple one in the future

Righty or Lefty: righty

First surgery: never had one. I've never even fractured a bone somehow

First piercing: not actually got any piercings yet....my mum always said no piercings until I was 18 but I'm working on getting my ears pierced this summer

First best friend: this (only) girl I was friends with in like year 1 and 2. she left school after that and I never saw her again, Elizabeth if you're out there....

First sport you joined: ballet! I've been doing it for over a decade now lmao I'm almost at the point where I could become a qualified teacher if I wanted to (cue identity crisis over what I want out of life)

First pair of trainers: why??

Right now

Eating: toast

Drinking: woter

Listening to: this question has been asked three times now lmao, Gorillaz on Spotify

Want kids: probably not

Career: I want to be a translator or smth like that

Which is better:

Lips or eyes: eyes

Hugs or kissed: hugs

Shorter or taller: don't mind

Romantic or spontaneous: romantic

Nice stomach or nice arms: Arms For Hugging

Sensitive or loud: sensitive probably

Hook up or relationship: relationship definitely

Troublemaker or hesitant: hmmmm idk

Have you ever:

Kissed a stranger: nope

Drank hard liquor: nope

Lost glasses/contacts: fuckin constantly

Sex on a first date: nope

Broke someone’s heart: uh maybe? there was this one kid that seemed to have been really into me for a while that I turned down when we were like 14 (sorry Jamie lmao but you were instrumental in me figuring out I didn't like dudes so thanks mate)

Had your own heart broken: nah

Been arrested: never

Turned someone down: yea

Cried when someone died: yea

Fallen for a friend: unfortunately lol potentially multiple times but I'm still a disaster who can't differentiate between strong romantic and platonic feelings wassup

Do you believe in:

Yourself: eh they're alright occasionally

Miracles: nope

Love at first sight: not really

Santa Claus: nope. not sure if my parents ever bothered that much keeping it secret that he wasn't real

Kiss on the first date: sure why not

Angels: nah

i tag: (only if you wanna do it since this is super long) @vulturousculturalist @jothriku @comicsansisasin + anyone who wants to do it. I'm not tagging too many people since this is A Lot and it seems like other people are already doing this stuff atm, have a fun tuesday

[lilbasedqueen]

story of my fucking life

First off I wanna start by saying my intention on putting this all out in the open isn’t to tarnish whatever pedestal some people might hold Adam upon. I should’ve have seen from the beginning that he was nothing but a literal walking garbage can.

Adam and I met in September of 2015, at Jamba Juice. He was my manager at the time and not shortly after he quit and I took his job. Somewhere down the line (maybe 5 months) I met and stupidly started dating Adams roommate. This OF COURSE made Adam jealous, because he saw someone have something he wanted, someone who at the time didn’t want him back. Anyway, that shit DID NOT work out, if I ever met anyone WORSE than Adam, it’s Joe. Don’t ever fw a Taurus who’s also a recovering addict, it don’t work. No matter how hard I tried to help him, he never wanted it, never accepted it, I’d bet all the $ in the world he relapsed.

After things ended between Joe and I, I would still talk to and hit up Adam, mainly because he sold me weed. Now at this time, Adam had a girlfriend who he had moved out here from Hawaii and was living with him in the apartment that eventually became ours. I’m not exactly sure what the reasoning was for her leaving, but something made her go back home and thats when Adam and I started messing around. I should’ve took the fact that he so willingly cheated on this girl he was SOOOO IN LOVE WITH as a huge red flag but apparently I’m just as stupid as he is.

February 2016 was the first time Adam and I had sex, when we officially started dating and when I should’ve seen the signs of his narcissistic, emotionally abusive ways. When we first got together it was all about sex drugs and alcohol. I’m not gonna go deeeep into it, cause some stuff really is better left unsaid and unknown, but we spent the majority of almost everyday together drunk and high. We’d drive out to lake mead, Nelson’s landing, state line and back, intoxicated. I had become so infatuated with this BOY who gave me free weed and took me wherever I wanted, I got undeniably caught up in the moment and never once thought about how things would be down the line.

Fast forward to April 2016, my 22nd birthday. That night was when everything started going wrong. My debit card got stolen out of my wallet by someone I thought of like family, someone I trusted. That person, you know who you are, I will never EVER forgive them. Anyway, after that happened, I lost my bank account and all my money with it AND THEN Adam and I came home one day to find the apartment emptied of almost everything, roommates gone. They just packed up and left and I assume it was because of me. Joe was still living there even after Adam and I started dating, talk about awkward. So after these guys moved out and the other fucked me over, it was just Adam, Cloud and I, in a three bedroom apartment we couldn’t afford.

I had started working, Adam had gotten fired from his job. It was just us living off an 8.50/hr paycheck every two weeks.We could hardly afford to eat, but eventually Adam got a job at a restaurant as a server and things were starting to look up...until I first caught him hitting up girls/older women off of Craigslist sex. This continued throughout the entirety of our relationship, while I was pregnant, while I was in labor, and after. He spent the past three years only caring about himself and his shrimp dick.

So, after my first initial catching him talking to bitches, he got his phone shut off and eventually pawned it to pay rent...but somehow he was still managing to meet girls (through his job). I realize how much of an idiot I was and am, for not leaving, for believing his lies of changing, for falling in love with him. He’s become far to comfortable, and any chance he got of me leaving the house, he’d bring a girl up into our room, into our home. We went through about 8-9 roommates before we ended up on our own, and every single person would tell me the same thing: “He doesn’t deserve you.” At a point we had 6 people living in a 3 bedroom apartment, Adam and I had broken up, he broke up with me ONLY so he could fuck a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL in our house.

Let’s jump ahead, to September 2017, when I found out I was carrying this bum ass niggas baby. My initial reaction was fear, I had never EVER EVER wanted to be pregnant, especially by someone like him, but I was...and I couldn’t even get the pregnancy terminated which was my first choice. How shitty dos that sound? I so badly wanted away from this dude I was gonna have a whole ass abortion to do it. I was 24w pregnant and had only 3 months to completely GROW UP. I had to stop smoking, and drinking, which I had been doing up until the day we found out. Adam and I made a pact that if I couldn’t get high or drunk then neither could he...y’all could imagine how well that worked out. We were now living with his brother and his girlfriend, Adam was working at Carl’s Jr. and WAS STILL CHEATING ON ME WITH CRAIGSLIST WHORES. I just could not believe his thought process, what type of dude cheats on their pregnant girlfriend?! At this point, I was so far along in my pregnancy it was almost like I HAD TO STAY, he made me believe that everything would be different once that baby was earthside.

March, 2018. Zander was born in December and was now three months old. Hold onto your seats cus this where shit gets JUICY. So by this time we had moved out of his brothers house and into a real house, with my friends mom. Adam was now working at Levis, since he just up and quit Carl’s Jr. He was finally making decent money, working good hours to help and PROVIDE for his family like a man should. A friend of his had gave him this cheap ass Obama phone, since he didn’t have one, so that I could call and text him when needed. He hardly ever used that phone to contact me, but instead he again WAS FINDING PPL OFF CRAIGSLIST TO FUCK. Me being the curious cat that I am, I went and looked in that phone to see just who he was talking to and again this is when I should’ve left. Adam was now not only cheating on me with FEMALES, but this dude was LEGITIMATELY hitting up other guys. He was texting someone named Alex, who I at the time assumed was a girl but me being the spy that I am, I put that phone number into my phone and it popped up on Snapchat AS A DUDE!!

So, the year went on and our relationship at this point is nonexistent. I harbored so much hate and anger and resentment toward him I had absolutely no tears left to shed over him and his disgusting ways. By August of 2018, we had moved out of the house, and into the co do we are still currently in. He was at Levis from May 2017 until November, fired yet again from another job. In December he started working at FedEx, and my health was the worst it had ever been. I wasn’t eating, hardly sleeping, my headaches were completely incapacitating me, I couldn’t care for myself let alone my child. I was alone at night from 5-11 while he went to work at FedEx, alone and in pain and left to care for a baby.

Three days before Zanders first birthday, I woke up at 4am on Thursday morning, got out of bed and fell to the ground, where I started having a partial seizure, awake and aware of every going on, unable to move or speak. I was completely STUCK on the ground almost the whole entire time while I waited for my dad to pick me up and take me to the ER. I was in the worst pain of my life, and honestly wished I would’ve just died so I did t have to feel like that anymore. I was brought back to surgery around I think noon, came out around 2pm. Anesthesia is a HELL OF A DRUG, that shit is so crazy bro, almost as crazy as all the shit I put up with.

You’d think after having BRAIN SURGERY, your boyfriend would do anything he could to make life easier for you but shit just went back to the way it always has been. I was the one cleaning, taking care of the baby, cooking, taking care of the dogs. I JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL FROM BRAIN SURGERY and it was back to how shit had always been. All things considered I was feeling better, but it was shitty having your significant other not give a shit about you or your health. Dude could hardly be bothered to visit me in the hospital I had to BEG him to come see me.

Now, we jump ahead to today...2019 and I’ve again caught him on CL hitting up people. At this point Adam is again UNEMPLOYED, hasn’t had a job since March. We haven’t paid Mays rent, can’t pay bills or buy food because he uses MY ebt card as if it’s his. Now, I say people because at this point I have no clue if it’s guys or girls he’s trying to talk to. I had about two other more times where I saw gay stuff that rose my suspicions as to whether or not Adam like boys...I mean I hook up with girls so what’s to be embarrassed about? Right now is May 23, 3 days ago I was on my email on MY PHONE, checking emails like anyone else would, when I saw yet again something from Craigslist. Emails exchanged since JANUARY up until now, between Adam and another guy, talking about stuff they’ve done, Adam asking him if he wants to suck his dick again, and if they can smoke. I realize one reason for his actions is Adams extreme addiction to cannabis. He hits up people online to ‘party and play’, who tf ever thinks their baby daddy is a closet homosexual? People say you can’t be addicted to weed but I assure this nigga is an addict. When he’s not high he’s grumpy and rude and takes everything out on everyone but once he smokes his whole mf mood changes.

I literally feel like my whole last four years of my life is a movie. Who the hell finds out their boyfriend cheated on them with MEN? lol wtf bro, is this even real? But yes, it is, so very real and so very much my life. Adam and I broke up two days ago, and unfortunately for me, I got no where else to go. So for all of you who constantly ask me if I’m okay, if everything’s alright, NO IM NOT OKAY, no everything’s not alright. My life is a fucking prison, and I have nowhere to go to escape him and his absolute toxic ways.

[firjii]

about me

@thejeeperswife tagged me <3 but might regret it because I, too, am a little boring.

How old are you? ...not old but probably older than “average” for fandom.

Surgeries? 3 on my eyes when I was little. tbh the dumb fuckers still barely behave but it beats the hell out of blindness, right?

Tattoos? Nope.

Ever hit a deer? No but my dad had a vivid incident with a large turkey many years ago.

Sing karaoke? Specifically in public with a karaoke machine? No, thank goodness.

Ice skated? Nope. Sounds neat but large motor coordination isn’t my friend. :P

Ridden a motorcycle? Nooooooooo

Ridden in an ambulance? Yesss. There was an incident while I was at Disneyland I knocked myself out slipping on a slick parking lot because at the time I thought the correct way to fall was on my head.

Skipped school? Only for illness or extreme weather. I did skip one (1) class session in college because I got hate mail a few days before and the semester was almost over anyway. I dare y’all to send me an ask about it, I guarantee you won’t be on my side when you hear the story XD XD XD

Stayed in a hospital? I...think all of my hospital incidents were outpatient?

Broken bones? I fractured a hip as a toddler, does that count?

Last phone call? Probably to my dad to pick something up on the way home from work.

Last text? I...don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favor of texts over phone calls but given my entire aversion to phones and avoidance of getting a real cell plan, I’ve never actually sent one. *hides*

Pepsi or Coke? Nope nope nooooope, y’all can keep all of it.

Favorite pie? sjfhdjghkjghkjg why would you make me choose? Ehhh it’s probably a split between key lime, apple, and pumpkin. Or Oreo if I’m feeling adventurous.

Cupcakes or cookies? Generally cookies, but cupcakes are also an acceptable offering as long as they’re not sugar-free or red velvet.

Received a ticket? Nope, a major perk of not driving. :)

Favorite season? Fall or any stretch of the year that’s kinda chilly.

Favorite colour? Ho boi we’ll be here all day. Let’s just say most blues and purples.

Sunset or sunshine? Sunset because at least you’re fully awake so your eyes don’t get completely blasted with sunlight.

Favorite pizza? I’m fairly open to any that don’t have sausage or pepperoni but usually I end up getting plain cheese. FULL CRUST though, none of that “thin as a plate” nonsense.

Favorite Christmas song? Call me boring but I’ll go with “O Holy Night” (but I probably like almost anything that isn’t just corn syrup with a side of music)

[britmall]

Jealousy! (Dofty).

Surgery was happening at 8:00 A.M.. This was Dom's first major surgery that he was performing on his own. He was so nervous, he hadn't slept a wink the night before. Lofty was up before him, to make him breakfast and wish him good luck before he had to go. He knew he'd do okay. He just had the usual butterflies.

"Hey, what's the matter"? Lofty asked as Dom pushed the food away.

"As much as I appreciate you making me breakfast in bed, I can't eat". Dom replied. Lofty kissed his forehead, and rubbed his back along with a quick cuddle. He knew full well that Dom was struggling with confidence.

"You know Husband, you've got this". " Can you please try to eat something"?. "Maybe just the bagel"? Lofty asked.

Dom tried to argue, but Lofty knew as well as Dom himself knew, he needed to eat something. So, they each enjoyed a bagel together, then Dom got ready for work.

***************

It was all hazy and a blur, the beeping of the machines and whirring from the equipment, was all Dom could hear. This wasn't a particularly complicated surgery, so he hoped to have it go just that way. When the surgery was all complete, Dom did the normal, of informing the family.

He asked "The family of James Smith"? To the people sitting in the waiting area. Lofty was in the waiting area chatting with the James' Mum and Sister. He asked if there was a Mr. Smith or if he should wait for James' Dad to come to tell them the updates. Lofty excuses himself, and Mrs. Smith said that "Ronald (Mr. Smith) wouldn't be coming. James and Ronald just had a falling out about James coming out as gay. Mr. Smith was none to pleased. He went as far as to say that James deserved prostate cancer, and he hoped that the prostate and cancer couldn't be removed, because that was God's way of punishing him for being homosexual. Dom couldn't do anything other than hug Mrs. Smith and inform her that everything went well. He then went to check on James. There was laughter coming from the room, and he walked in to find Lofty sitting on James' bed and laughing away. It was almost as if it was flirty laughter. Dom didn't know what to feel, he trusted Lofty 100%. He just felt uneasy, and wasn't sure why. Lofty rubbed James' arm and James winked and said Thank You, as Lofty left the room.

Dom closed the curtain behind Lofty and took James' vitals and he noticed James was smiling, one of those cheeky, ear to ear grins, that kids in a candy store get, or someone gets Christmas morning when they open their favourite gift. Dom was borderline angry now. He didn't bring it up to James, but he did act cold and sulky to him. James said "He's such a great guy, good looking, those curls and that body, clearly anyone that dates him is a very, very, lucky person". Dom couldn't help but say, "Nah, his body is alright, but he's seen better".(Dom didn't mean that, but he was mad). Was he being jealous and insecure for nothing? He couldn't get the thoughts of anger and jealousy out of his head. He was right annoyed that some other bloke had been checking Lofty out. He sent Lofty a message, knowing it was approaching Lofty's lunch time, all the message said was Meet in On-call room 2 in ten minutes.

***********

When Lofty had arrived, Dom was there, shirtless and sitting legs spread wide open on the bed. "Lock the door"! Dom exclaimed. He didn't have to tell Lofty twice. Lofty moved between Dom's legs, and put his hands on Dom's waist. Dom grabbed his hands and pulled them away asking "How much do you appreciate me, my body, and how much do you want this"?

Lofty pulled away slightly, taken aback.

"Dom I appreciate you, so much. You know this. And, your....your body, you know how much I appreciate that. It's perfect, and hot, and as far as wanting this, I always want this". "What's brought this on"? Lofty was curious. "Oh nothing, just wasn't feeling confident.". They had a really quick quickie, right there. Lofty wanted to boost Dom's confidence. It had worked.

********

They left the on-call room at different times as to not get caught. Dom had to go back in and check on James, again Lofty was in there, but this time, so was Mrs. Smith and James' sister. Mrs. Smith kept making comments about James' fancying Nurse Chiltern. Dom was growing anxious, but it wasn't the same as before. He had just had Lofty boost his confidence, he knew Lofty wanted him, and only him.(Or so he'd hoped). Lofty wasn't flirting back so, Dom knew he had nothing to worry about really. He couldn't wait to get home though and just pack this day in. They had hours yet, but every time Dom walked passed Lofty he'd brush his hand up against Lofty's. Lofty thought it was strange, Dom isn't usually this affectionate at work. Lofty sent Dom a text saying: "I'm not complaining, but what's up with all this sudden affection, at work?"

Dom responded back, "I just wasn't feeling very sexy at the start of the day"...... "Can't wait to get home and be done with the day". "Albie's later?".

"Yes and I love you". Lofty responded.

He still didn't believe Dom, he knew there was more to Dom's sudden erratic behaviour. This wasn't like Dom, unless there was a reason.

***************

Dom had left work first, Lofty still had stuff to file and other charts to work on, he also wanted to do rounds one last time, just to make sure that everything was in order. He called Dom to tell him but I went straight to voice mail.

Dom had received the message and was again, upset. Why was Lofty staying to do this? Was he staying to see James again, alone, in private? Dom called Lofty and said "I was waiting for you, but clearly you're too busy. Just meeting Jason, and Donna and Sascha out at Albie's, when I'm important enough for you, maybe you can meet me there". Lofty could clearly hear that Dom was upset. He knew he'd have some making up to do. He tried again to call Dom, no answer. He arrived at Albie's and was told that Dom was in the loo. He found Dom in there crying.

"Dom, what's wrong? I am sorry I got held up at work". Dom asked, "Do you still want me? Are you still happy you're married to me"? Lofty got down on his knees infront of Dom and embraced him with a hug. "I told you earlier, I always want you. Of course I am happy to be married to you". "I wouldn't be if I wasn't".

"I, I, I'm sorry Lofty. I just got super jealous today, with you and James. It's clear he likes you, and was flirting with you". Dom stuttered.

"Dominic, all I did was talk to him about his homophobic Dad. Tried to make him feel comfortable about that." "What can I do to make you not feel that way"? "To make it up to you?". "Hmm well we're in this bathroom all by ourselves, I bet you, you can come up with a few ways to make it up to me. Maybe a repeat of earlier today?". Dom said.

"Oh so this is what that was all about, I see. Well I can make it up to you." Lofty said pulling Dom to his feet and taking his pants down. Smashing him up against the wall and making Dom see how important, needed, appreciated, and hot he was. Dom was stunned, Lofty did stuff to him, he'd never done before. He couldn't even comprehend it. He felt on cloud nine, he was feeling exhilarated. "God was that good, not good actually, that was amazing". Dom huffed out. Lofty threw his clothes at him, and turned to walk out. Saying "Meet me out there after you've recollected yourself". "I'll be finding someone to flirt with to make you jealous". Lofty said as he leaned over, kissed Dom and winked. "You better hurry".

Dom couldn't even move, he was so worn out, but he found it oddly hot that Lofty just left him like that. Dom shook his head...took out his phone and text: "Maybe I should get jealous more often". With the winking emoji (😉).

"Lofty responded, Hurry there's about 20 blokes out here flirting with me." 😋

Dom shook his head. Thought to himself, I love that man, truly love him. What the heck was I thinking?. But, the sex was amazing and Lofty seemed to get a rise out of it. So, he intended to purposely get jealous again and again.

[laceandhockeyskates]

What the hell I’ve been up to?!

I don’t even know how to make an introduction for this hot mess but I guess we’ll go month to month more or less because let me tell you 2018.... really fucked me up. Both in good ways, but also in terrible ways? I don’t know... I feel like it’s all worked out in the end but damn was it a mess to get to this point. 

 January- lovely, lovely January. Aka the last time I’ve posted anything of real value on this blog. I had my first trip out of the country!! Other than that uneventful?! 

 February and March (since nothing happened)- I turned 25. I don’t remember anything besides grabbing lunch with my grandma for it... so clearly it was a huge deal. Besides that though.... nothing. 

 April.... this is when things got.... interesting- we found out in April that the retail company I worked for was going out of business. Which was absolutely terrifying. I had no idea what I was going to do, how long it was going to take to find a new job... I knew nothing. That very day that we were told I put in 25 job applications. Within a week I had 4 job interviews lined up for one day that I had off of work, and at the end of that day I had a new job. 

 May- and it gets worse. May 4th was my last day at the store before I started my new job on May 5th. It was somewhere that I had applied to several times and never got a call back from, and it was only a three minute drive from my house so I thought everything was going to work out. Right? Wrong. I HATED it. With every fiber of my being it was the worst. I sat in my car on my lunch breaks crying more often than I wasn’t. It was honestly awful, and some greater power that be must have recognized how miserable I was because I was only there for less than 2 weeks. I started on the 5th and I worked my last day there on the 17th. I was scheduled to have that Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off already which I was thankful for and had all these plans. So since about November-December I had these back pains that started right between my shoulder blades and wrapped around my stomach every few weeks. At first I thought I had a strange strand of the flu, and then I thought I was just sleeping on my back wrong.... well neither was accurate. That Friday night I was sitting on the couch watching tv when the pain hit me again and at that point it was more of an annoyance thing because like seriously?? So I just did what I always did and took pain meds and prepared myself for a night of no sleep and taking a hot bath every two hours to pour steaming hot water over my back (aka the only thing that really helped), by Saturday I wasn’t any better and my dad offered to take me to the ER. I thought he was just tired of listening to me whine about the pain and not really worried but I did let him drive me to Walmart to get a heating pad and more pain killers. Which again... helped.... but only for so long. I actually got to sleep that night and woke up at 3 am in literally the worst pain of my entire life. I quickly got in the tub hoping that the hot water would work or the heating pad or really anything. By 5 am though I knew that something was terribly, terribly wrong and that’s when I asked my dad to take me to the ER. Which I don’t think he took me seriously until 7 when my mom woke up and I asked her to go. It took less than 5 minutes at the ER to be told I have pancreatitis and gallstones and I’m basically screwed. By the time I came back from chest x rays I was being admitted. And let me tell you... that shit sucked. My Er nurse asked me how I was feeling and I literally laughed and told her I was just happy that it wasn’t all in my head. Which she very much assured me that it wasn’t. And that I actually have a high pain tolerance considering anyone else would be screaming in pain, and that if I had waited another few days I’d be going in with a raptured gallbladder. That first day... sucked to put it kindly. Because I had a gallstone blocking my pancreas I wasn’t allowed food (I ended up going from 5 pm Saturday to 2 pm Monday without food) or water (4 am Sunday to 2 pm Monday). Do you know it’s like to go that long? I was the biggest asshole because all I truly wanted was applesauce and water. To top it off though they couldn’t figure out a pain med that actually worked for me. Morphine lasted about as long as it took to get to my toes (a few seconds at best) so I was miserably in pain the entire time. Monday wasn’t too bad. My mom came and visited me, and for the most part I was left alone with the occasional check in minus my surgery consult. Tuesday.... was a day. I’ve never had surgery before and to say I was anxious would be an understatement. I had been waking up around 5-6 am anyways and was just watching the news when I realized there were two people standing outside my door.... I had originally been told my surgery was the 3rd of the day and I wouldn’t be going until about 11 am which gave my parents enough time to get my brother off to school and to be back in time to see me off... that’s not what happened. They had bumped me up to #1. Which meant my labs hadn’t been put in as needed ASAP and had to be run again but as soon as that was done? I was being wheeled away. What I didn’t know was that my mom had a nightmare that I had been taken to surgery early and that I died on the table... so you can imagine her reaction when I texted them that I was actually going to surgery early... needless to say my dad sped all the way to the hospital. Actual surgery though? I don’t remember a ton. I remember going to the holding room and being introduced to a bunch of people that I knew for all of five seconds before going into the OR. I remember moving from my bed to the table and then being wrapped up in a bunch of warm blankets and given the mask. I wasn’t told to count down or anything but within seconds I was out. I remember vaguely waking up to be moved from the table to my bed and I THOUGHT I had only fallen back asleep for the ride to recovery... apparently it was a lot longer than that. I woke up once in recovery and could have sworn they cut me open side to side but nope. It was a successful surgery with only four tiny incisions that hurt like a goddamn bitch let me tell you and then I passed back out... when I finally woke back up again I was awake long enough I was allowed to go to my room where my parents were relieved to see me. I was up walking within an hour (I was told I wasn’t allowed food unless I moved around and got the gas out of myself and had bowl movements. They recommended walking. I wanted food.) and that day was spent between doing laps and sleeping. The next day? The day I was suppose to go home? My labs came back with a high white blood count... and I lost it. Despite my parents visiting me every day I was tired of feeling alone. Luckily though Thursday I was finally released.... in time for my baby brother to graduate high school. Which was a fun ceremony when you’re hopped up on pain meds. 

 June- was a hot mess of dealing with medical leave at the job I hated, but mostly? It was spent enjoying the summer. Once I was cleared for activity I was swimming nearly every day and soaking in the summer with my two baby cousins who turn 12 soon. Despite the physical pain I had to deal with and the stress of work I wouldn’t have traded that in for anything. It gave me so many fun memories to look back on and enjoy. 

 July- I was suppose to go back about the 8th but medical leave was... a mess. And tbh at that point it wasn’t worth the stress to keep that job when for the time being I was making enough by doing side jobs for my family to pay my bills. I did start applying for new jobs though while I spent more time enjoying my summer with my kiddos. By the 27th though I was starting my new job, which is where I’m currently at while I type this long ass post but we’ll get into that a little farther down. Two days later though as I was about to start my first full day at my new job I got the text message I never wanted to get. I had to call my cousin/best friend. Long story short her mother had passed away meaning that she had lost both of her parents in seven years. Something I can’t even imagine. But not only that but it meant that my grandma had also lost her sister and best friend, and my great grandmother had to do the one thing no parent should ever go through.  

August- was honestly a really intense blur. Between two weeks of dealing with the fall out of losing my aunt and starting my new job I didn’t have a life. In late July/early August though I knew something was up with my car but I honestly thought it was just a tie rod going bad... no. Apparently my entire undercarriage was more or less rusting out and I was screwed. I didn’t have any money saved up for a down payment, I had no idea if I could even afford a car payment yet (despite working a better paying job with more hours but I was use to basically barely making ends meet with maybe $20 left over). Luckily my parents who are the real mvps of my life stepped up and helped me figure everything out and I had a new car within a week of starting to search (she’s my baby girl. I’m obsessed. She’s literally everything I wanted minus the fact that she’s white and my previous car was white and I wanted to avoid that: but besides that... I’m happy with her and she’s worth the pretty penny I pay every month). 

 September- was a goddamn mess work wise. It’s all I did. Work. 

 October- I took my first major road trip on my own (driving 2 and a half hours by myself on the interstate. It was a big deal.) and saw FOB in concert which was... life changing. I completely recommend seeing them if you ever have a chance (also machine gun kelly was there and despite the fact that I don’t care for rap.... he was pretty good.). Other than that though October was more work craziness. 

And now for November, and if you guessed work was insane... you’d be right. When I was hired in July it was all “oh it’ll only be busy until like October” and now my boss is like “maybe by March we can get our sanity back for two months?” Which don’t get me wrong I’m grateful. I’m making a $1 more an hour, actually working full time, and I don’t hate a majority of my coworkers (there’s still a handful though that if I had a shopping cart at work I’d run of their bare toes but that’s more because they make my life unnecessarily stressful) but I’m actually happy???? Like as stressed out as I am basically 24/7 I’m doing alright. I have a majority of my Christmas shopping done and wrapped which like?? And idk... I’m just.... I’m in a good place. And I won’t lie I still check myself once and awhile going “okay something is bound to go wrong.” But also maybe all the good is outweighing all the bad that I had to deal with. Anyways so that’s the life update. If you actually read that... bless your soul. Message me. We’re now best friends. And hopefully in the coming weeks I figure out what the hell im doing with this blog.

December update I wanna die lol! We had two people quit in three weeks leaving us with four people to cover 24 hours 7 days a week....it’s a great time. 

[ayearofpike]

Spooksville #1: The Secret Path

Pocket Books, 1995 129 pages, 18 chapters + epilogue ISBN 0-671-53725-3 LOC: CPB Box no. 277 vol. 14 OCLC: 33152776 Released October 1, 1995 (per B&N)

All the kids in town know the creepy truth about Springville, to the point where nobody calls it anything but Spooksville. Adam Freeman, who has just moved to town, doesn’t believe it — at first. But then he finds himself and his two new friends in another dimension, on another side of the town, and he has no choice but to believe.

As grumpy as I was with the end of Pike’s Archway output, I need to take a step back from that in considering Spooksville. This is, after all, a jump back in time, to when Pike was maybe at his strongest and most relevant (in terms of sales, anyway). It also strikes on the heels of Goosebumps, the highly successful kids’ horror series by R.L. Stine, which was often imitated and emulated (and even parodied) through the decade. Naturally, most of these series didn’t last, as the whole industry got turned upside down by an English kid who slept in a closet. However, if you wanted to argue that Goosebumps marked the death of juvenile literature as we once knew it, I wouldn’t stop you — even though it’s apparently still around.

The major difference between Goosebumps and Spooksville is continuity. All of the original Goosebumps books (I mean, as far as I know; I read like one and a half and quit in exasperation, unable to get behind Jovial Bob’s new direction) have different characters, different settings, and different problems or spooky moments driving the narrative. Spooksville, on the other hand, is the central location for all the events that occur throughout this series, and there are a set of characters who are involved in all the trials and travails we see (again, as far as I know from Wikipedia).

Let me state up front: I acknowledge that these books are not and were not for me. There’s a strong case to be made that this style of juvenile horror book marks the real definition line between Generation X and Millennials, regardless of how old you actually are. Even so: by the time Pike started publishing this series, I was already in college. I did not read them, I had no use for them, I was frankly annoyed that Pike was pouring his energy into this series and then giving us older kids dreck like The Hollow Skull. I felt abandoned by this author that I so respected. And I already alluded to my distaste for Goosebumps, which my brother loved, but even he was too old for Spooksville.

So maybe it’s better that I’ve given myself this distance from the series before I read and discuss it. It might also help that I have kids of my own who are just about the age of the target audience — this could help me better appreciate what Spooksville is trying to do. 

(And this is probably all the metadiscourse I’ll give to Spooksville, too, not having a connection to the series outside of it having been written by my childhood favorite author. Save you some reading!)

Let’s dive right in to The Secret Path. Right off the bat: there’s not really a lot of story in this story. It serves more as an origin story, as letting us know that hey, here’s this creepy place where a bunch of weird shit is about to happen, and these are the kids you’re gonna get to know while it happens. The type is set HUGE when you compare it to Pike’s typical YA books ... even though the pages are bigger, there’s maybe only half as much text on each one. So at half the length of his longest YA by page count, The Secret Path probably only has a quarter of the exposition.

We open up with Adam, a twelve-year-old who’s just moved with his family to Springville, a secluded town somewhere on the unspecified Left Coast. Based on geography, this could be just about anywhere north of Santa Barbara: the town is surrounded by hills, with taller mountains to the east, and comes right up against the ocean. He’s buying sodas for himself and his dad when he meets Sally Wilcox, a talkative and imaginative local who is immediately drawn to Adam. Like, one of the first things she asks is whether he left a girlfriend behind. She also warns him about the town’s reputation and its idiosyncrasies, and the fact that only kids can see these and adults will never believe them, and it’s all so unbelievable that he ... well, doesn’t. But he’s glad to have made an acquaintance, and agrees to hang out and get the tour of the town.

This, for once, does seem like an actually little town, if it can be traversed by middle-school pedestrians. As they’re exploring, Adam spies a runaway grocery cart heading for a fancy car and stops it before it can crash. This serves as his introduction to Ann Templeton, the beautiful and knowledgeable descendant of the town founder, who lives in, apparently, a castle next to the town park. Sally calls this place “the witch’s castle” — and so Ann probably is one, just like her great-great-great-great-grandmother. They’re at odds here: Sally is warning Adam not to get sucked in, but Ann seems so nice that it’s hard for him to step away. She does have a little oddness to her demeanor, though ... like she knows things she shouldn’t, like she’s dangerous. After all, Ann is the only adult who calls the town Spooksville.

But she drives off, and then the kids meet Watch. Literally, this is all the name we get for this dude, because he’s wearing four watches. He says it’s to keep track of his scattered family and what time it is where they are, so we immediately both feel sorry for Watch and want to know more of his story. We aren’t going to get it yet, though: Watch is determined to figure out how to access the Secret Path, a way to get to hidden or alternate dimensions right here in town. Bum knows the way, he says — literally, a bum who lives on the beach and has supposedly been cursed by the witch. Watch is on the way to take him food right now, in fact, and learn the secret.

Bum’s guidance for finding the secret path is simple and yet opaque: they must follow the witch’s path through the town, and remember that they bury witches upside-down. The witch, they presume, is Ann Templeton’s great-etc.-grandmother, who was born here and after whom nothing was the same. So they travel along the trail of her important experiences and life events, eventually ending up at the cemetery with no idea of how to go in there upside-down. So Adam and Sally sit down to think while Watch is looking at the tombstone, but also neither of them is particularly keen to travel through a cemetery to an alternate dimension. But when they look up, apparently a long time later judging by the darkness, Watch is gone, and his glasses are on the ground.

Sally is convinced he’s gone to the other side, and so she and Adam set about puzzling out the last part of the riddle. What if upside-down just means backwards, they decide? So they start at the cemetery gate and walk backward to the tombstone. But instead of bumping into it, they fall into nothing and land in another cemetery, this time under a red and lightening sky. And the bodies are climbing out of their graves. They run for it, deciding to try their houses, because of course that’s what a scared kid would do is try to go home even if they’re obviously not actually home. But Sally’s house is flattened by a giant tree, and Adam’s house is full of nothing but spiderwebs and corpses. While they’re looking, the front door is kicked in all of a sudden, and they have no choice but to  try to escape out the bedroom window.

Sally makes it, but Adam is seized by a knight in black armor who knocks him out and takes him to the castle dungeon, where Watch is also being held. The room is also full of clocks, which for some reason run backward. The witch herself enters not long after Adam wakes up — surprise, surprise, she looks just like Ann Templeton, but with red hair instead of black. She’s carting a couple other kids, who are all inexplicably missing parts of their faces. Apparently the witch seamlessly removes them and puts them into her collection of dolls. And if they don’t tell her where Sally is hiding, they’re up next. Obviously they don’t know, so she drags them to the surgery room or whatever, where there’s also a massive hourglass, filled with sparkling dust that flows from the bottom to the top. Surprisingly, fear doesn’t make these kids know an answer they never had, so the witch goes to prepare the boiling bath that will cleanse these filthy children before she takes their eyes. 

Of course, as soon as she leaves the room, Sally shows up to save the day. She can’t break the cuffs on the boys’ wrists, but she can break the hourglass, which they figure is the witch’s most prized possession. And then everything goes apeshit. In the craziness, the post that holds the boys’ cuffs breaks, and they’re able to escape, back down to the dungeons to let the other kids out. Only the doors are all open and the other kids are already gone, apparently down a long passage that leads the group back to the cemetery. While they’re trying to figure out how to get back to their own dimension, the witch shows up and grabs Adam by the neck, ready to get her eyeballs one way or another. Fortunately, Adam is holding a handful of sand out of the broken hourglass, and he throws it into the witch’s eyes. She shrieks and falls, and the dead bodies in the cemetery reach up out of the ground and pull her under with them.

But still: how do they get the hell out of this creepy backward monster dimension? It’s so obvious if you think about it: walk at the tombstone FORWARD. They get back some six hours BEFORE they left ... you know, time running backward on the other side. And so Watch goes to talk to Bum some more about what happened, and Adam and Sally go home, with the promise of more adventures to come.

And that’s the end of The Secret Path! So now we’re on the not-so-secret path to where this series is going. Titles in this genre are somewhat more on the nose than we’ve seen from Pike before, and so just looking at the list can give us an idea of what to expect. Still, I’m going to try to stay open and acceptant of what these stories might tell us, while at the same time not expecting anything too meaningful. And who knows, maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised.

[purplesurveys]

1237

disclaimer I’ll be taking into account the last 24 hours for the first part because it’s 3 in the morning and I haven’t really done anything yet lmao anywho

survey by chasingghosts

Have you today?

Looked in a mirror? Yeah I took a shower earlier so I couldn’t really avoid the mirror in the bathroom.

Watered a plant? I don’t do plants. Can never take care of them to save my life.

Worn denim? I did, actually. Some package came for me earlier today and I didn’t really look the most decent, so before heading out to meet the delivery guy I grabbed the first jacket I saw, which was denim.

Washed your hair? Yes, when I took said shower a couple of hours ago.

Been in pain? Yup my back and shoulders feel like hell from sitting on my ass all day while at work.

Had a nap? Kinda, I guess? I fell asleep at around 9, 9:30ish...woke up at around 1 AM, and here I am now. I don’t plan on sleeping anymore.

Brushed your teeth? Yup.

Kissed someone? Just my dogs.

Used a cheese grater? No, I don’t think I’ve consumed any cheese today either.

Eaten something sweet? Nah, it’s all been salty/savory for me today.

Spoken to a stranger? Sure.

Dropped something? I drop my vape pen at least once a day, so yes.

Felt upset in some way? UGH yeah. Our internet disappeared at around 2 in the afternoon and it still hasn’t come back, and our service provider’s social media has been unsurprisingly unresponsive and useless. I’ve been using data since then and I’m just worried about how long this would take because I don’t want to keep spending just for extra load. I also have my Korean language classes this afternoon which will for sure require a lot of data :/

Drank coffee? I have a full mug of it beside me right now.

Walked for more than thirty minutes? LOL no, I’ve only stayed indoors.

Signed up for something? Hmm I don’t think so.

Travelled in a car? See two answers above this.

Opened a can? Nopes.

Thought about doing something crazy? Just me thinking about dropping another couple thousands on merch until I mentally slapped myself and told myself I’d be fucking stupid if I spent on one more piece of stupid merch.

Listened to a new song? Yes, I tried listening to Love Shot by EXO over dinner since my sister had started humming it. It was okay but I quickly shifted back to BTS right after hahaha.

Written in a notebook? No. I only do so when I practice my Hangul but I have yet to work on that today.

Fed an animal? Yes, I have pets.

Checked your emails? I mean that’s kind of the standard in my job lol I have my Gmail tab up throughout the 8 hours.

Told someone you love them? No.

Made a phone call? No, I’m rarely the one who makes the call.

Have you in the last week?

Travelled on a bus? I’ve never ridden a bus solely for commuting by myself. I’ve only been on them when it’s the arranged vehicle, like for school field trips or our family vacations. Our public buses are quite bleck and unsanitary and the drivers maneuver the buses like it’s their last goddamn hour on the planet, so I don’t get on them myself.

Washed your face? I mean yeah, when I take showers. I don’t really have a skincare routine though, if that’s what you mean.

Used a blender? We rarely have a use for a blender at home so we don’t even have one.

Received a phone call? No. My biggest pet peeve is when delivery riders call me up once they’ve arrived at our place just to say “I’m here,” but fortunately the one assigned to me today to deliver my package knew how to use the doorbell.

Talked to someone you dislike? Yeah I have to deal with a client I absolutely fucking despise everyday.

Consumed alcohol? I’ve thought of it, but then I thought of how sleepy I get whenever I drink alcohol and decided against it because I wanted to stay up tonight.

Eaten pasta? Yeah, my dad made Filipino-style spaghetti for dinner the other evening.

Planned for an event? Not an event per se but sure, I made some plans? Punk is slated to make his debut on AEW/return to pro wrestling next weekend or sometime soon, idrk - and this is a big fucking deal omg, 15 year old Robyn has arisen from her grave - and Andi and I made plans to watch it together so we can freak the fuck out.

Asked someone for a favour? Yes. I borrowed cash from my mom since the delivery fee for my packaging earlier was apparently cash on delivery.

Watched something funny? I mean I watch BTS clips pretty much everyday and a gigantic chunk of them are hilarious.

Trimmed your nails? No, but I did bite on them multiple times.

Browsed Reddit? I did actually! After a super long time of not doing so...I just decided to randomly check out r/bangtan to see what’s going on there. It’s mostly Americans though so idk if I’ll make a habit out of browsing.

Talked to yourself? Oh this happens a few times a day.

Purchased tickets for something? Nope.

Felt like you were annoying someone? Just about everyday.

Cleaned a toilet? I have not.

Reminisced about the past? Not really. I’ve made references to the past with friends, but we didn’t ~reminisce.

Used headphones? Yeah I always use my headphones when playing Rhythm Hive so I can hear the beats better.

Laughed with a friend? Many times. Always just virtually, though.

Cooked dinner and then didn't feel hungry? I don’t cook.

Written a list? LOL yes. My period had been coming and I noticed I was crying over the smallest, stupid things, so I started a list of the things I cried over the last week. The funniest item on the list is probably an ad that was shown to us during a campaign briefing...

Played an instrument? Nope.

Felt jealous or envious? I will sometimes feel the tiniest tinge of envy and wistfulness when I see my friends in happy and fulfilled relationships, but it passes in a second.

Ignored a text message on purpose? So many hahahahahahah

Congratulated someone? Yes!!! Graduation season was last week so I congratulated a shit ton of friends.

Have you in the last month?

Made a piece of art? Making art was never made for me, so no.

Rewatched one of your favourite tv shows or movies? Yep, I rewatched Friends a couple of weeks ago.

Called a plumber? Nope.

Been to a see a doctor? I mean, technically I guess yeah? When I had to get my vaccine shot.

Finished a book? I haven’t done that in a while.

Had a crush on someone? Just celebrities but I won’t count those.

Travelled on a train? I haven’t.

Worn heels? Haven’t done this either.

Been to a friend's house? I’ve been to Angela’s house semi-regularly, yup.

Shared a bed with someone? Nah.

Been to see a movie at the cinema? I haven’t been to the cinema in like a year and a half.

Paid attention to celebrity drama? Erm not really. I also haven’t been up to date with that, especially with American celebrities hahaha.

Felt anxious? Maybe not anxious but nervous.

Taken an elevator? Yeah in Mega since that place is so goddamn big.

Given someone the cold shoulder? Yep, my mom when she is being extra annoying/condescending.

Purchased a new book/game/movie? I guess you can say that? I bought a subscription pack on Rhythm Hive because I was using it regularly anyway.

Applied for a job? I already have a job, so no. I did get a job proposal on Linkedin a couple of weeks ago with another PR firm, but I took a look at their clients just to see if the offer was something I could sink my teeth into - and even though their brands were quite high-profile, they were in industries I didn’t particularly find interesting.

Used a printer? Nah.

Had lunch in a park? No.

Gotten a manicure or pedicure? I have not.

Made an appointment? Just for my shot but that’s it.

Had a blood test done? Noooooo not another one of those plz.

Suffered from a major bruise? Not a major bruise but a huge bloody gash on my thigh after a particlarly rowdy play session with Cooper. There’s still a very visible scar on me.

Researched a topic in-depth? I do this quite a bit in my work, yes.

Have you in the last year?

Been to the beach? No, I’ve mostly stayed at home since July 2020.

Visited someone in the hospital? I haven’t. Too risky.

Played pinball? No, it’s never interested me.

Travelled on a plane? I haven’t. :(

Worn a costume? Sure, for Halloween last year I went as Dora.

Been thrift shopping? Not that I can recall, no.

Thought about getting pregnant or got pregnant? Definitely not at this point in my life.

Made a big life decision? Uh yeah this past year was both the worst and best rollercoaster I’ve ever been on. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year since that shitty breakup...

Changed a lightbulb? Nope.

Framed something and put it on your wall? No but I have been meaning to do this for months. I just never get around to buying some actual picture frames lol.

Been stargazing? Not the professional kind of way with a telescope and all. I’ve just lied on my back at the rooftop to gaze at the night sky and the stars.

Made a new friend? So many!!! Reena is probably my bestestestest new friend <3 I mean we’ve met a while ago, as Angela’s mutual - even had a few drinks or so together - but we didn’t become closer until just a couple of months ago.

Added to a collection? I’ve had merch that arrive every week or so these days because I bought a ridiculous amount of shit between May and June when I was a new Army. I’ve substantially calmed down now, but I should expect to receive my running list of ordered merch up until September LMAO. At first I used to bitch about the really long shipping period considering all the products come from Korea, but after 3 or 4 fulfilled orders you kinda get used to it.

Been to the dentist? No.

Broken up with someone? Yessss. I didn’t know it at the time but it would turn out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Held a baby? Nah.

Created a budget? Yeah...doesn’t mean I’ve been successful. I always go over, hehe.

Confessed feelings for someone? There isn’t anyone to do that for.

Had surgery of any kind? Nopes.

Quit a job? No and I have no plans to anytime soon.

Been in a car accident? Nah but my dad has, c/o some stupid and unattentive motorcycle driver.

Purchased something worth over a grand? So in US dollar conversion, around P50,000? Hell no.

Been on vacation at least 500km/300mi from home? No. :( The farthest we’ve been to was Tagaytay and I think that’ll remain the same for a while.

Applied for an academic course? Yes, my Korean class.

Had your photo taken by a professional? No, it’s been over a year since my last professional shoot for my senior photos.