#and the last four books i read before annie on my mind were horror

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Not me starting a horror book at 6am while I have anxiety...

[aion-rsa]

Midnight Mass: It’s Time to Talk About That Monstrous Twist

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This article contains huge spoilers for Midnight Mass. So help me God if you read this without watching the series first…

The version of Midnight Mass that Netflix advertised still would have made for a compelling horror series. 

An isolated, insular island community? Great. A young, charismatic preacher suddenly coming to town to shake things up? Perfect. That preacher proving capable of performing minor miracles? Love it, no notes! 

Of course, as viewers who have watched at least four episodes of the seven-episode series now know, Midnight Mass has one extra supernatural twist in mind that elevates an already interesting story to true mind-blowing status. Critics were understandably asked to keep this aspect of the show a secret before it premiered. So please indulge me as I finally slay these embargo demons and get it off my chest.

Vampires. Vampires! V-A-M-P-I-R-E-S. VAMPIRES! VAMPIRES VAMPIRES VAMPIRES! Literally like Dracula. And Nosferatu. Anne Rice’s Lestat. Stephen King’s ‘Salem’s Lot. Vampires. VAMPIRES, BRO, VAMPIRES.

For creator Mike Flanagan, a filmmaker influenced by all manner of classic horror, bringing the fanged bloodsuckers to life was a long time coming.

“My favorite vampire movie is (Werner) Herzog’s Nosferatu,” Flanagan told Den of Geek and other outlets prior to the premiere of Midnight Mass. “That film is the vampire story as high art. I also adore From Dusk Till Dawn. I read Dracula young enough for it to really burrow in for me. And I read ‘Salem’s Lot early enough to color an enormous amount of work that I’ll do for the rest of my life.”

Midnight Mass’s depiction of the mythological undead beast and how it can neatly fit into Christian dogma is one of the most satisfying horror twists in years. Now that the truth is out, let’s discuss Midnight Mass and how it conflates vampires and biblical angels. 

Mistaking a Vampire for an Angel

The interesting thing about Midnight Mass is that it clearly takes place in a universe where the average person has no knowledge of what a vampire is. Even Sarah Gunning (Annabeth Gish), arguably the most well-read person on Crockett Island, has to do some research into “porphyria cutanea tarda” (a.k.a. the real life “vampire disease”). This is similar to The Walking Dead’s approach to zombies, in which the “z” word and George A. Romero’s name are never spoken. This strategy in Midnight Mass allows for a truly fascinating case of mistaken identity.

While viewers immediately know that the creature Monsignor John Pruitt (Hamish Linklater) encounters is a vampire, he believes it to be an angel. Given how studied Pruitt is in the Bible and Cathloic theology, it’s entirely understandable why he would think a tall, muscular, bald-headed beast with fangs and leathery wings is an angel. As it turns out, the angels of the Old Testament can be truly terrifying. 

Not all angels are soft-featured human-like creatures with fluffy white bird wings. Some, like Seraphim, Cherubim, and Thrones are designed to intimidate God’s enemies. In the New Testament’s Book of Luke, an angel visits Zechariah and immediately asks him to “be not afraid” because the angel can see the poor guy absolutely shaking in his boots upon his arrival. Angels being terrifying is even something of an Internet meme, with users contrasting the phrase “be not afraid” with images of truly monstrous beasts. 

Not only does Pruitt’s vampire have the vague appearance of an angel, it also apparently holds the secrets to eternal life as promised in the Bible. By merely drinking some of the “angel’s” blood, a good Christian can live forever just like God says. Does that blood-drinking sacrament sound familiar? It did to Mike Flanagan.

“In Bible school I used to say ‘if the wine turns into Jesus’s blood literally and we’re drinking it so that we can live forever … that seems like a short leap to vampiric myth.’”

Of course, drinking the angel’s fluids in the case of Midnight Mass also leads to some unwanted side effects like a thirst for blood and extreme sensitivity to sunlight. Thankfully, good ol’ Bev Keane always has a Bible quote ready to go for that. When read through the proper perspective, the Holy Bible may as well be the original vampire story. 

The Rules of Vampirism

“The thing that I love about the vampire as a cinematic tool is how malleable it is,” Flanagan says. “We all agree that there is no canon. There are no rules. In fact, part of the joy is seeing what rules people cherry pick as they approach a vampire story.”

All depictions of vampires are indeed quite different. Vampires can range from the classic Stoker-ian monster to Twilight’s nigh-invulnerable sparkle bois. Midnight Mass’s version of the vampire leans towards the classic, albeit with some tweaks. In terms of appearance, The Angel (as we will be calling Midnight Mass’s O.G. vampire for simplicity’s sake) has a more bestial look like Nosferatu rather than an aristocratic one like Count Dracula or Anne Rice’s creations. 

“We winked at (Nosferatu the Vampyr actor) Klaus Kinski a few times when we designed our guy,” Flanagan says.

Though the Angel resembles Nosferatu in appearance, its vulnerabilities owe more to Rice’s The Vampire Chronicles. Religious iconography does not appear to hurt the Angel nor its thralls. Traditional human weapons like bullets or blades also do no harm (at least not mortally). These vampires are, however, tremendously susceptible to both fire and sunlight. Exposure to the latter for even a few seconds is enough to kill the Angel and his many acolytes. 

Read more

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Like in Rice’s works as well, the path to creating a new vampire is quite simple. Step 1: Drink its blood. Step 2: Die. In Dracula and ‘Salem’s Lot, the method of vampire creation is merely being bit by one, zombie-style. Rice and Flanagan’s approach is quite a bit more intentional and interesting. It also opens the door for perhaps Midnight Mass’s most ingenious storytelling quirk: communion. John Pruitt is able to get nearly the entirety of Crockett Island to become a vampire by spiking the communion wine with his buddy’s blood. Then, all that remains is for them to poison themselves to death, Jonestown-style. 

The mass “resurrection” scene in which the congregation awakes as their new vampire selves also provides some insight to just how hard it is to contain the vampire’s overwhelming hunger. Riley Flynn was able to resist it when he turned because John Pruitt babysat him like a psychedelic mushroom guide. The plan for the rest of the congregation was to have their babysitters as well but that didn’t quite work out. Still, Riley’s dad Ed makes it clear to his wife Annie, that even if it’s hard to resist the call for blood, it’s not impossible. 

“When I saw them at the church, I thought it was something they really couldn’t help. Like something impossible not to do. But it isn’t, Annie,” he says.

Maybe if more vampires were like Ed Flynn, a whole island full of vampires wouldn’t be too bad of a thing in the first place. 

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

How to Defeat a Vampire

While every vampire story presents its own unique take on the creature, the answer on how to defeat a vampire is usually the same: by doing it together.

“We poor humans only have so much that we can give,” Flanagan says. “We’re ill-equipped as individuals to make any kind of meaningful stand. The only way evil in the world can be brought down is through collective effort. That’s something Stoker understands inherently. It’s clearly something King understands.”

Alongside the aforementioned Bram Stoker and Stephen King, Flanagan presents a small team of humans at story’s end who will do what it takes to defeat evil, even if it means dying in the process. Erin Greene (Kate Siegel), Dr. Sarah Gunning, Sheriff Hassan (Rahul Kohli), Annie Flynn (Kristin Lehman), Warren Flynn (Igby Rigney), and Leeza Scarborough (Annarah Cymone) are the six residents of Crockett Island brave enough to try to take down the Angel. All but two (Warren and Leeza) die. They do succeed in eliminating the immediate threat on Crockett Island but it’s possible the Angel made it away to suck blood another day, damaged wings and all.

What’s interesting about Midnight Mass’s “final crew” is that six appears to be the magic number when it comes to taking down a vampire. Stoker’s Dracula has six heroes: Jonathan Harker, Mina Harker nèe Murray, Arthur Holmwood (Lord Godalming), John Seward, Quincey Morris, and Abraham Van Helsing (of which, only poor American cowboy Quincey Morris dies). King’s ‘Salem’s Lot also has six: Ben Mears, Matt Burke, Susan Norton, Mark Petrie, Jimmy Cody, and Father Callahan (of which, decidedly more than one of them die). This strange bit of arithmancy is something we asked Flanagan about.

“The number was certainly not intentional,” he says. “Once it was clear that Riley was not going to be carrying the torch to the end it really was about asking ‘who are the characters who seem in the very beginning to be at a disadvantage and how do we empower them in the end?’ This was gonna be played out by Sarah Gunning, Sheriff Hassan, and everyone else who would get to just give a little piece.”

Considering that Erin and company were outnumbered about 117 to six, it was a pretty good showing for Crockett Island’s last humans standing.

All seven episodes of Midnight Mass are available to stream on Netflix now.

The post Midnight Mass: It’s Time to Talk About That Monstrous Twist appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[ghostmartyr]

SnK 131 Thoughts

Eren what the fuck.

Like.

What in the actual fuck, my dude.

There are parts of this that make sense.

Then there are the parts that absolutely do not, and it’s all wrapped up in this chapter where, as previous chapter posts predicted, people are screaming and dying.

Since that’s pretty much the majority of the content, I guess we have the luxury of a short post that almost entirely focuses on Eren.

With added Annie and Armin. They can go at the start, I guess. They exist, they are cute if you’re into that, they’re also dumb and mopey if you’re into that, Paths make for a great radio, and just generally

WHAT THE FUCK, EREN.

Did I already talk about Rebellion? Is that a thing I did in these past few months? -checks- Damn it. Not that the well can’t be visited again, since it’s very obviously appropriate, but twice in two months starts to look like the laziness that is indeed threatening to take me.

-spins the wheel-

Okay then, let’s talk about Anakin Skywalker.

Cool dude. Rad kid. Born into slavery. Freed from slavery by a dude with magical plot magic who immediately dies. Inherits dude’s desire for him to follow the leanings of the religious sect responsible for plot magic. Has hormones and has a meltdown over having hormones, and also feelings, and proceeds to protect everything he loves so hard that it burns to the ground while someone he eventually throws into a pit laughs maniacally in the background.

It’s mainly that last part that is arguably relevant to today.

Anakin is terrified of losing his wife in childbirth. Instead of contacting a doctor, he decides that it’s best to rely on himself. Plus shady mentor. His fear turns into a longing for a power to destroy that fear, and the combination drives him to the Dark Side. When he starts demolishing the very things he wanted to protect, he digs in deeper. For twenty years, he kills, and kills, and kills, because he can’t admit he was wrong.

(Clone Wars is a good show, if anyone is interested. It fleshes the emotional weight of the script out, and makes the horror and tragedy stab you in the heart.)

I can’t say that I entirely hate this for Eren. I don’t particularly like how it’s been presented, but that might just be the part of me that looks at the “GENOCIDE IS THE ONLY OPTION” button lit up on his forehead and finds it so fundamentally disagreeable that I haven’t been looking at it even when the plot tells me that’s what it is.

Here’s the thing: Genocide is presented as a feasible course of action all throughout this series. From Zeke, from Marley, from Paradis; whoever’s pitch you want to listen to, a conclusion everyone always comes to is that it would be easier if all of these people causing problems would just die.

They can make that happen. They have the technology.

Marley is a cesspit. The moral cost means nothing to them.

Zeke is abused, traumatized, and molded into thinking death is a mercy.

Floch survives, and teaches himself that the evil he lives through needs to be repaid in full.

Kill, kill, kill. If something stands in your way, murder it.

This is a concept of horror to the characters who are establishing the moral center of the tale. They’ve killed people. They’ve fought to the death against people who would gladly see them die. The titans are their victimized kin, and all they can do for the greater good is put them down.

They’re tiny humans trapped in a cage, and they’re just trying to get out. Whenever they try, their jailers try to eat them. That is forever what Paradis is attempting, and whenever they do try to lessen the amount of violence in their tactics, they get fucked over by the plot. As much as the story can, it’s thrown the main Paradis cast into the light of being innocent victims who are just trying to defend themselves.

The whole series is a study in the damage genocide has caused.

Nothing excuses it.

There is no motive that justifies this scale of premeditated violence.

There is the fear that one day the people who belong to you will be victims, and the only way to stop them from being victims is to make victims of everyone else. Kill or be killed.

In self-defense.

Defending from an attack that might never come.

Genocide is not an option that has ever deserved a seat at the table.

Why don’t we just kill everyone off?

Why not erase everyone’s memories of it?

Why not continue to use this power to herd everyone into our vision of what the world should be like?

Why not say that we deserve life so much more than any other living creature on the planet?

The entire story tells us why.

From the very first chapter, we’re exposed to the violence and terror of an uncaring world devouring anyone unfortunate enough to be on the outskirts of what supposedly greater people have decided is most important. Eren’s entire home is destroyed because some children kick down a wall. The people in the core of those same walls are disturbed, but send out their lesser to be fed to the monsters so that they can continue living.

Karl Fritz locks everyone away on an island and tells them the world has ended.

Anyone who is too curious, or too interested in beginning a new world, is killed. They’re robbed of their memories or their life. The remaining Ackermans are alive because they were too far away from the true history of the world to actually know anything.

Marley, the whipping boy of the Eldian Empire, finds its escape through Karl’s mercy, and immediately mimics the way of life that has caused them so much pain. Titans continue to run rampant in the world, simply with different reins. They redefine what’s acceptable based on who’s pulling the trigger.

Every single major plot point comes back to the ruin that perpetrating genocide has conceived.

Nothing is fixed by saving Marley from Eldia. Marley chooses to renew the evil.

Nothing is fixed by Karl walking away from the world. He just picks on smaller targets.

Nothing is fixed by pretending this is a solution.

The series’ history is a cycle of people grabbing power and tormenting their enemies with it. It shows no sign of stopping. It takes Paradis a hundred years, but they go from a blank slate of a starting point to producing someone ready to destroy the world.

Nothing suggests that another hundred years won’t do the same.

We have seen this all before. The only difference is that Eren is trying to commit to a large enough scale that no one alive will have the kind of grudges that will produce this fuckery.

It is vile.

This is not a defensible course of action. Some things are simply wrong, and even without morality coming into play, we’ve spent years reading an object lesson in the consequences of this behavior.

This horror is where Eren comes from.

Eren is not special.

He is a normal human born into this world.

His actions are ones that any other person could duplicate.

Not easily, and not without a great deal of coincidence, but nothing about Eren makes this a choice that only he can make. His power is borrowed, and no matter how he dies, that death means there will be a next person in line.

He isn’t ending a fucking thing. He’s become a cog in the machine that broke him.

So that’s the starting point. Even if killing younglings did have a logical undercurrent, no. No, no, a million times no. Eren chooses this. Eren causes this. Eren picks genocide without anyone putting a gun to his head. Eren picks genocide when he has access to a power that could easily discourage anyone from attacking his home for years.

He chooses to murder people.

Because he’s afraid, and because he can.

Then we get to what I find infinitely more interesting:

Eren doesn’t want this.

In the present day, we have an Eren who no longer has a body, and what amounts to a hallucination of his younger self, dreaming of a world hidden away in a book. His physical self has its eyes closed, and his younger self looks more alive than Eren has in ages. He isn’t looking at the damage he causes, just the open sky.

In the past, we have Eren bawling apologies to a boy he meets once. We have an Eren who realizes that this world is one that has let him down, and that, completely outside protecting his home, is what makes him want it gone.

This doesn’t just happen.

Eren wants it to happen.

Eren looks at this world that wants him and everyone like him dead, and he wants it to be like the book. No mention of other people -- other people aren’t in the outside world anymore. Just beautiful scenery, and the freedom to enjoy it.

He can’t have that, and it hurts. He’s been through Annie, Reiner, and Bertolt. He’s lost friends and seen even more people die protecting him. He’s lost limbs and sleep and sanity to see a world beyond the walls.

It’s a world that wants nothing to do with him.

And Eren, who has rejected that line of thinking since he was a child, rejects the entire world.

He can’t dress it up.

Deep down, he doesn’t like the world he’s going to destroy.

He’s known for four years that he’s going to end countless lives.

He walks off Paradis’ ship knowing that.

But when he sees this world, he does want it gone.

Knowing what he’s going to do is one thing; seeing the beginning of a reason for it is what drives him to his knees. It isn’t some strange inevitability of the future. He’s the one who does this, and behind every bit of love for his friends and Paradis, there’s the knowledge that this world, where so many people live lives just like his, is one he’d liked better in a dream where none of them existed.

And that is where the plot thread loses me.

Not because any of this is something that I find particularly outlandish. There’s a plain, hysterical logic to it, and a small fraction of identifying with that logic has Eren in tears.

Eren does this.

There is no evidence of him wanting it.

He sees the shadow of want in himself, and he freaks out.

Eren of the present is dissociating so hard I don’t view his childhood hallucinations as a stable mind choosing something.

Eren of the past is continually horrified that this is going to happen.

If I had a tablet, this is where there would be a bad drawing of present Eren and past Eren, linked by an unstable line of red question marks.

I don’t have a tablet.

I do have Paint.

In the immortal words of an angry fictional nine-year-old, “If you don’t fight, we can’t win.”

In the immortal words of a very sad fictional nineteen-year-old, “I don’t know when in the future it will happen... But I... am going to kill every one of these people...”

Eren going full villain is a choice, I guess. It’s not a very interesting one. As previously stated, we know what happens in this world when people do a genocide. We also know what happens when the walls go marching. We are now watching a genocide as the walls go marching. There are no revelations here. There’s death and gloom.

I mean this as sincerely as I can: This, on its face, is boring.

Eren is just the latest person killing people for Reasons.

There is very little reason to be invested in that as a plot. As a character drama, there are tears to be shed and hearts to be torn asunder, but as a basic plot??? This has nothing in it.

I don’t personally believe we’ve come this far for nothing, so I apply my magnifying glass where I choose, and where I choose is the part where I believe this all slips:

Eren takes his visions as an inevitability.

He has the conversation with himself, counting out the lives. Paradis versus the world. In a simple game of numbers, the world should win, and he knows that.

Presenting our problem.

Eren can’t accept a future where Paradis, and Eldians, are sacrificed for the world. Paradis is his home, and he’s spent his life fighting for Eldians to be free, even if he doesn’t know them by that name for most of it. In the case of Paradis v World, Paradis wins out. It’s wrong and it’s terrible, and Zeke’s plan means less dead bodies, but he can’t let go of Paradis.

A binary is presented. Paradis can live, or the rest of the world can. Pick one.

Except that’s stupid.

Following this, Eren leans so far into that choice that he does what he can to manufacture an impossibility of any other results. He makes Paradis a priority. He makes Paradis an international concern, not simply a Marley one. He has the power to knock back any assault on the island they can make, but he still goes on offense.

Paradis dies

World dies

That is not the choice. It is the choice Eren locks himself into, but frankly, he doesn’t even try before he jumps at the genocide route.

As a story thing, whatever. Valid, I guess. Let the protagonist’s own misconceptions break him.

As an Eren thing, it falls short of working.

He’s clearly being torn apart by what he’s going to do.

He’s a protagonist who enters the story yelling about people never winning if they don’t enter the ring.

Eren sees a vision of him destroying the world, thinks on it, and effectively goes, “seems legit,” and cries himself to sleep feeling sad about it.

Eren.

You can have your characters fail. You can have them drop their principles one by one until there’s nothing left. You can have their character development be entirely negative. You do not have to have your hero be a Hero.

Eren is appalled by his own feelings, and walking around the world like a zombie. He sees himself ending the world, and plays it back over and over again, never questioning that this is exactly what he’s going to do.

But when he finally starts, there’s not even a trace of this conflict. His eyes light up at the amazing sight he believes is waiting for him. He spits his defiance at Zeke for even suggesting the sterilization plan. He’s still a zombie in every human interaction that happens with his flesh body, but he goes about his plan with an unconcerned ruthlessness that is disconnected from the humanity Eren has spent the whole story personifying.

Arguably, Sasha dying is the tipping point, and that’s where he fully commits, and blah blah blah stuff.

Only defiance, and not bending to anyone else’s will, is the key trait of the Attack Titan. It’s the key trait of Eren. To keep fighting well beyond sense.

This plan’s inception comes from Eren yielding to the inevitable.

He’s going to kill these people.

There is no choice to it, it’s simply what’s going to happen.

Eren has always had a choice. He might not like the options, or know what’s right, but he has always, always known that the decisions he makes are his.

The story is making the case that Eren buys into inevitability so completely that he denies himself freedom.

That isn’t uninteresting, but we don’t see that. We don’t see what convinces Eren that it’s no use fighting. He chooses to save a boy, and his memories of the boy don’t change. Big deal. That’s one kid in four years of choices. As a proof of concept, it’s weak, and it’s weaker still because Eren makes the choice to save him.

None of this was inevitable, but we approach Eren’s actions from the perspective of there being no way out. Maybe if we had even more flashbacks to him trying to change things, and a play-by-play of him slowly realizing that nothing he does changes what he sees --

But even then, if Eren doesn’t want to kill people, he’s allowed not to. He’s allowed to continue working with his friends. He could have told any of them, at any point, that this was an upcoming problem. He’s always trusted Armin’s mind.

Eren hides himself away with his problems and tells himself he can’t fight this.

Bullshit.

I’ve made this argument before, about Historia and Ymir:

If you’re going to have a character renege on a core of their personal identity so completely, you need to put in the legwork of showing how it happens. Otherwise there’s no reason to trust anything the story tells you, and the grand illusion falls to pieces.

The character work in this series has always been solid, even when everything down to the art hasn’t.

This doesn’t quite work.

There’s a compelling case. There’s a viewable logic that pretends to be believable.

The internal consistency is still off. Something’s wrong here, and if it turns out to be the character ball being dropped in the final inning... really, that’s just such a waste. Personal preference colors all of this, obviously, but if this is the whole truth of the matter, it’s boring.

“I still want to believe... that there’s still a world we don’t know about yet out there... past the walls.”

C’mon, Armin. Earn your fandom hatred. Be right one more time.

We’re not done yet.

[theotherackerman]

My Mind Turns Your Life Into Folklore

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER: Any recognizable elements belong to Attack on Titan.

NOTES: New Year’s Eve. Thursday, December 31st

Trigger warning: mentions of self harm and suicide.

song credit: monsters by all time low featuring blackbear. Eren is specially singing the verse done by blackbear

song Mikasa and Eren dance to: lights out-harry styles

movie mentioned: se7en, an extremely graphic horror movie

CHAPTER TWO: why do all the monsters come out at night?

Levi was always right about these things.

He had yet to be proven wrong by Mikasa’s friends.

He couldn’t help but laugh when he passed by her room to see them all three asleep. Ymir and Armin were still holding video game controllers asleep on the floor while Mikasa was asleep on her bed. All three of them were still fully dressed.

“Just admit that you’ve missed them,” Hange remarked as they leaned up against the wall.

“They’re alright...for brats.”

He remembered the days of his house being filled with Mikasa’s friends. First, it had just been Eren and Armin. Then came Ymir, Sasha, Historia, and Annie. There was never a silent day. They had always been running around, making noise, and making music. He could hear Eren tuning his guitar while Mikasa played the note of the piano for him to match.

Eren had disappointed him. Mikasa and Eren had been sixteen when Eren had asked to talk to Levi privately.

“Can I date your cousin? I mean, not that I should be asking you but she’s….well you scare me, sir. I mean that with the utmost respect.”

“Oh. It’s not me you have to worry about. If you hurt her, Mikasa...she’ll cut you to the bone herself. I’ll be the one making it look like an accident.”

“Is that a yes, sir?”

“Don’t ask me, I don’t make her decisions,” Levi scoffed.

He had liked Eren at that moment. He had liked him up until Mikasa had come home crying only to lock herself away in her bedroom. He didn’t know what to do at that moment. He had thought a bout just going over and being the man he had been before he was a soldier. The boy who got into street fights, who stole, and those were just the things he was willing to admit to. But that was not who he was now. No, he was someone different.

So instead, he called up a favor that Rod Reiss owed him. Historia and Ymir had been the first to arrive followed shortly by Annie and Sasha.

He had never felt so powerless.

When his mother and Kenny had died, those were both things he could understand. He understood Mikasa’s heartbreak but there was nothing to warn him about it. He couldn’t help but wonder if he had told Eren four years earlier that he couldn’t date Mikasa….no. It wasn’t his place.

“It is okay to miss her. You took care of her for thirteen years now. I think it’d be strange if you didn’t,” Hange replied softly pulling Levi from his thoughts.

“She’s got to live her own life now. I won’t hold her back but...I have missed her.”

Hange smiled as they moved closer and kissed Levi on the cheek.

“Tch,” he replied before he walked towards the bedroom.

---------------------

Eren sat by the window overlooking the lake. He liked that Zeke lived near the water. It reminded him of that time he had convinced his dad to give him the car for the weekend. He had grabbed Armin and Mikasa, driven through the night so they could see the sun rise at the beach.

Maybe that’s why Eren liked it here so much.

Memories of an easier time.

A time where he was truly free.

Not dreaming of dying and taking his own life.

He had recovered from that.

It had been the only reason he had ever said those things to Mikasa and Armin.

He needed to push them away.

He needed them to hate him.

It would have made it easier for him to take his own life.

But in the end, he hadn’t.

Zeke had saved him.

Something he was thankful for as he sat here watching the lake.

But the problem was he had to now deal with the consequences of saying those things.

He had never seen himself surviving.

The drinking had slowly been poisoning him.

That had been the plan.

Harm his body until it didn’t work anymore.

Make the pain stop.

The pain from Grisha.

The pain of realizing he was just like his father and he would do to Mikasa what his father did to his mother.

He could still hear them arguing.

The waves lapped at the rocks surrounding the lake.

Months of therapy and medication had turned Eren from a suicidal mess to someone who could now focus all his energy into his music.

“Have you thought about talking to the Ackerman girl? I truly think you made a mistake, Eren. You’re not our father. You never have been. Why don’t you try talking to her?” Zeke asked before taking a drag from his cigarette.

Eren sighed.

He missed Mikasa more than he could put into words.

He hadn’t dated anyone since, he didn’t know if he could have those feelings for anyone else. Maybe with time. He reached into his shirt and pulled out a black corded necklace. Two rings hung from it. One, he had planned to give Mikasa hung from it. He looked down at them before stuffing it back into his shirt.

“She’s better off.”

Mikasa had chosen not to return his letter so he knew that was his answer to the question he had posed for her.

-----------------------------------------------

It was the morning of New Year’s Eve.

Sasha had stopped by the Ackerman household surprising both Ymir and Mikasa.

“Armin?” Sasha looked from him to Ymir and Mikasa.

“It’s cool. He’s fine unless he’s supposed to watch for you during a match and he lets you get sniped!”

“One time, Ymir. One time.”

“That’s all it took! Now I’m back in silver.”

“Why are there brats yelling in my house before noon?” Levi entered the room

“You know sooner or later, you’re going to have to stop calling us brats,” Mikasa said before taking a bite of her cereal.

“I will when you’re older than me. Ymir, move. None of you can make a decent pot of coffee.”

“Anyway…..you know that guy I’ve been talking to since the battle of the bands? The drummer?”

Mikasa vaguely remembered the guy. He had seemed pretty nice. He had been bartending at the club where it was being held. It made so his band couldn’t compete.

“Sort of?” Ymir leaned up against the refrigerator.

“Well his band is playing at that club tonight! I already asked Historia and she said we could take the limo. She also said she could get us that suite back that we used when we competed. It’s only an hour away. And it’s masquerade themed so Mika, you won’t have to worry about anyone knowing you’re back in town. Connie will be at his girlfriends and Jean is going to some gala thing.  Please? I don’t want to go without all of you. If things go south, you know the signal.”

“Seems like a lot of work to get laid,” Ymir snorted

“Ymir!” Mikasa yelled.

“What? Do you want me to lie? I’ll go, Sasha.”

“I’ll go too. On one condition, Armin comes with us too.”

Armin’s face lit up.

“Yeah! Of course! I’ll tell Historia! I’ve got to go ask Annie but yes! You guys are the best!”

Sasha kissed both Ymir and Mikasa on the cheeks. Then she exited the house.

----------------------------------------------------------

Hours later, the Ackerman house was even more lively than it had been earlier in the day. Levi was sitting in his chair downstairs reading while Armin sat on the couch flipping through tv channels.

Hange had left to get ingredients for the dinner they were preparing Levi. A loud thud came from u pstairs.

Armin and Levi looked up at the ceiling as the voices were easier to make out now.

“Annie, can you zip me up?”

“Give me a minute. I need to fix this one piece of hair.”

“I’m going to stab you in the eye with eyeliner if you blink again, Ymir.”

“Come on, Historia. You like my eyes. OW! That was my foot, Historia.”

“I know. That’s why I stomped on it. Mika….where are you going? You’re next.”

Armin and Levi held each other’s gaze for a moment before going back to what they had been doing.

Fifteen minutes later, Ymir in a short black tuxedo dress came down first. She went to the front door where her converse had remained since she had entered the Ackerman household.

Historia followed her shortly in a white one shoulder dress.

“Oh no. You’re not wearing those. I brought you flat boots. Look, they’re comfortable!”

Ymir rolled her eyes before giving into the blonde girls wishes.

Armin snickered but stopped as soon as he saw Ymir’s death glare.

“Okay, so if we leave in the next thirty minutes, we should arrive just before Niccolo’s band goes on. Do you think this dress is okay?” Sasha asked as she ran her hands over the brown sequences of her dress.

“It’s fine, Sash,” Mikasa remarked.

Levi looked up from his book. Mikasa was no longer the little girl he had brought home from the hospital. She wore a form fitting black dress with long lace sleeves. No, she wasn’t that little girl anymore but that didn’t stop him from wanting to protect her.

“New dress?” He asked with one eyebrow raised.

“Yeah, I bought it last time I went shopping with Historia. Is it too much?” Mikasa was suddenly self conscious.

“You look good, Mika. I mean if I wasn’t dating Historia, I’d hit on you,” Ymir smirked.

Mikasa and Levi both rolled their eyes.

“Annie! Come on! We’re going to be late!” Sasha yelled.

“I’m coming. I couldn’t find my purse," Annie said as she came downstairs.

Armin let out a small gasp and stood up when he saw Annie in her blue dress which caused Historia to giggle.

“I mean...you look...nice…” Armin looked down at the floor as his face began to grow red.

Her dress matched perfectly with the button up that he was wearing.

Mikasa then realized that she was the only one without someone tonight.

Just as she was about to start feeling sad, a hand slipped into each of her hands.

She looked over to each side to see that Historia and Ymir were both holding her hands.

They squeezed her hands to which she simply squeezed them back.

She’d be okay tonight. She gave them a smile before releasing their hands to put on her leather boots.

------------------------

The one hour drive didn’t feel like an hour drive. They all sang at the top of their lungs, including Armin who eased right back into the group he had been a part of long before things had fallen apart. It made them feel like they were back in high school on their way to prom.

There was a moment when they all thought the same thing: Eren was missing.

No one dared to say it.

Instead, Historia took this moment to pass out the masks that she had gotten everyone earlier in the day. She had made sure they had each outfit perfect.

The limo driver had been more than happy to arrive at the club. He had opened their doors rather quickly.

“You think he remembers that time I puked in his hat after we went to that amusement park?” Sasha asked the group as they walked away from the limo.

“Probably. He didn’t forget about that time Mikasa brought that smelly stray dog into the limo either. Trust me, my father pays him more than enough. I’ve seen his paycheck,” Historia remarked as she went to the front of the line. She flashed the bouncer a smile.

“Miss Lenz…..so good to see you. Go on in, your booth at the front is waiting.”

Krista Lenz was Historia’s stage name. She didn’t want her father’s money  to influence her r ecording deals. Her father could have just bought them a record deal but that was not something that Historia wanted. She wanted to earn everything on her own. So she had created an alias to perform under and use when she went to clubs.

The group followed Historia into the club. Ymir was holding both Historia and Mikasa’s hand, Mikasa holding Sasha’s hand, Sasha holding Annie’s hand, and finally Annie holding Armin’s hand. It was an easy way to make it through the crowded club without losing one another.

When they reached their booth, they all crowded into the small VIP area. One of the perks was the fact that the bartender came to them. Well, in this case, he had sent over a waitress for the night.

“We’ll need two bottles of champagne, top shelf. Three shots of vodka, two, no, three shots of whiskey. A cosmopolitan, a moscow mule, a martini-shaken not stirred. Yes, like James Bond. A Manhattan, a sidecar, and a dark and stormy. Oh! And two beers. Did I forget anything?” Historia asked the group.

“Uhh...no….”Armin answered as he continued to stare at her.

“Oh! And here’s this,” Historia reached into her small purse and pulled a hundred dollar bill that she handed to the waitress. “I know that was a lot and just bring them as they get done. ”

“Right! I’ll get your champagne and glasses right away, miss!” The waitress disappeared from the table.

“You still remember my drink from a year ago?” Armin asked Historia.

“Of course, I do! You’re one of us, Armin. You always have been. Now that you and Mika have made up, maybe you can come visit us! We start recording in February. If that’s okay with everyone else, maybe you could come listen and be our first test audience.”

“I think he’s biased if he’s sleeping with our guitarist. “

“And you’re biased for sleeping with our lead singer,” Annie remarked as picked up the shot of vodka that the waitress had just put on the table.

Mikasa looked to the stage as the waitress was putting the drinks down. There was a very familiar guitar sitting on stage. She knew that more people than just Eren owned a bright red electric guitar.

She couldn’t help but make the comparison. She reached over and picked up one of the whiskey shots that had been sat down. She raised the small shot glass up as if to toast her table before she took the shot.

The music began from the stage. “Oh! They’re going on!” Sasha yelled.

“Hello! We’re The Restorationists! “ A blonde man in the center of the stage said into the mic. “We’ve got a fun set for you today.”

The rest of the band joined the stage.

Niccolo gave a little wave when towards their table.

Then he entered the stage.

He was wearing a white dress shirt with jeans and a simple white mask. His hair was so much longer than any of them remembered. Then again it had been a year since they had seen him. He walked over to the guitar that Mikasa had been staring at moments before.

“Oh fuck,” Annie said as she leaned back in the booth.

“Mikasa, I’m so sorry. I didn’t check into the band,” Sasha pleaded.

“No fucking way,” Ymir took one of the vodka shots that was still on that table.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Historia remarked.

Armin just stared at Mikasa.

She didn’t know what to do.

She was frozen.

She hadn’t seen him in exactly one year.

The horrible words started playing again in her head.

The music started, the band launched into their first song. The blonde lead singer wasn’t that bad actually.

Mikasa took another of the whiskey shots.

No one said anything as she reached for the third and final whiskey shot.

“I’m going to look at their Instagram, see what I can find out. Maybe it’s just someone who looks like Eren,” Annie said before pulling her phone out of the pocket of her dress.

“[lyrics redacted due to copyright]”

They all knew this voice. There was no way to deny that it was Eren singing this.

“[lyrics redacted due to copyright]”

That was an understatement, Mikasa thought.

“[lyrics redacted due to copyright]”

Of course he didn’t care, that much had been obvious.

“[lyrics redacted due to copyright]”

He had drank far too much after his father had died.

“[lyrics redacted due to copyright]”

She couldn’t look up at the stage. She couldn’t. She knew what would happen once she made eye contact with Eren.

“[lyrics redacted due to copyright]”

When had her feelings for him ever been fake? If anyone was faking anything, it was him.

“[lyrics redacted due to copyright]”

Oh, she was the one leading him on? Of course, he would flip the situation on her.

“[lyrics redacted due to copyright]”

He had made his bed. He was the problem, not her.

Wait, why was she taking every single lyric so personally?

As the blonde lead singer took back over, Mikasa made eye contact with Eren. The green eyes that she had once loved to see, now they only brought pain.

“Mikasa...I think you need to read this…” Annie’s voice pulled Mikasa back to reality.

She broke eye contact and looked over at the other girl

Annie handed over her phone to Mikasa.

The Restorationists were started when Eren ( lead guitarist, lyricist, composer, and back up vocals) and Zeke (guitarist, lead vocals) reconnected after the death of their father to lung cancer. Joined by Floch (bassist) and Niccolo (drummer), the four started their journey into music. Originally, they had no bigger goals than to just play music they love. After being diagnosed with manic depression and shortly after liver disease that put him in the hospital for months, Eren made the choice he wanted to reach as many as he could with his music.

Mikasa didn’t need to read anymore. She held out the phone to Annie.

“He’s bipolar. And he lost over half his liver,” Annie replied as she took the phone back.

Mikasa didn’t know what to say to that.

What could she say to that?

It didn’t excuse his behavior at all.

“Hey Mika, you said he sent the ring back to you, right?” Mikasa was pulled from her thoughts by Ymir this time.

“Yeah, I don’t know what that has to do with anything.”

“If he sent it back, then what’s that hanging from his neck?” Ymir pointed to the stage.

Ymir wasn’t wrong.

On a simple black cord hung two rings.

She had never seen the other one before but the other was her father’s ring.

She’d recognize that ring anywhere.

If he still had the ring….

“What the fuck is in that box?” Mikasa wondered out loud.

“I was going to ask you the same thing.”

“It’s a head…” Annie remarked as everyone just stared at her. “Se7en….come on. What’s in the box?”

“You know with Eren, I wouldn’t be surprised,” Mikasa muttered as she looked back down.

The rest of the set went by without incident. Eren only sang back up and Mikasa had decided the table was much more interesting to look at. She also ended up drinking most of the drinks that were on the table.

No one said anything about it.

The crowd seemed to love the band. Mikasa even saw some people from high school. She had not been happier to be wearing a mask. The tattoo on her arm was hidden by lace so even if she did run into anyone she knew, she could easily pretend not to be that person.

She didn’t want the I’m sorrys or the other words of pity people would give her. They all knew her and Eren broke up. It was part of the reason Mikasa had left so easily.

Once the band’s set had ended, Mikasa reassured Sasha that it would be fine for her to go talk to Niccolo.

It wasn’t Sasha’s fault.

It wasn’t even Niccolo’s fault.

The world didn’t stop because Eren Jaeger and Mikasa Ackerman didn’t get along anymore.

No matter how much it felt like that.

As midnight grew closer, Mikasa excused herself from the table to get some air outside. Ymir and Historia had both tried to go with her but Mikasa insisted that she would be okay. They had sacrificed enough for her.

“Kiss her at midnight, fuck everyone else. I’ll be fine,” Mikasa whispered to Ymir. She made her way to the exit closest to the stage.

She wasn’t expecting to see Zeke and Eren Jaeger leaning up against the wall next to the exit.

Zeke took a drag from his cigarette.

Then he looked at Eren and then at Mikasa.

He looked at both of them once again.

“I’ve got to go…...be anywhere but here....” Zeke stepped on the cigarette he had been smoking. He clasped a hang on Eren’s shoulder before he walked back inside.

Mikasa wasn’t sure what to say.

What could she say?

Eren began to walk away.

“EREN!” She called to him as she caught up with him.

He stopped walking and turned around to face her. “I’m sorry, you must have me mixed up with someone else.”

She reached and grabbed his hand.

Out of instinct, he pulled her closer.

His arm wrapped around his waist.

They swayed in sync with the slow music playing in the club.

For that moment, it was just them.

How long had it been since they had danced like this?

High school?

They hadn’t danced that much back then.

Eren was always busy winning the title of king and being forced to dance with Historia. So Ymir and Mikasa spent a lot of time dancing together.

She should have been mad at him still.

She shouldn’t have been out here dancing with him like nothing happened.

Like everything was okay.

But maybe it was the alcohol that was currently coursing through her veins.

Maybe it was the fact that her father’s ring still hung around his neck.

But time seemed to have stopped.

One song faded into another.

“TWO MINUTES UNTIL MIDNIGHT! FEEL FREE TO TAKE YOUR MASK OFF ONCE THE CLOCK STRIKES!” The announcement said.

They still swayed to the beat.

“Eren….” Mikasa said.

“You’re drunk.”

“Maybe.”

“I can smell the alcohol on your breath. You should go back inside. Your friends will be wondering where you are.”

“I don’t care.”

He didn’t force it.

She had expected him to shove her away, to say horrible things to her.

But he did neither of those things.

He stayed and danced with her.

She swore for a moment that she saw him smile.

But as soon as it was there, it was gone.

There were so many things going through her mind, so many things she wanted to say.

No, there were so many things she needed to say.

So why couldn’t she think of a single one?

“10!” The crowd from inside screamed.

The count down was already starting.

Mikasa reached up to remove his mask.

“9!”

Her hands rested on either side of his face.

“8!”

She began to slowly tug on the mask.

“7!”

Eren closed his eyes.

“6! ”

She removed the mask and threw it to the side.

There was no denying, not that he could anyway, that it was him.

“5!”

Eren wasted no time to quickly remove her mask and toss it aside.

“4!”

He pressed his forehead to her’s.

“3!”

Their lips were inches apart.

“2!”

He pressed his lips to hers.

“1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

And before it could even begin, the kiss was over.

“I can’t. Mikasa, I can’t. It’s better this way."

Just like that, Eren Jaeger walked away, leaving a heart broken Mikasa behind for the second time.

[crystalwillow]

Paint By Numbers, Part Two

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x Hayley McAllister (F!MC)

Word Count: 6.3K

A/N: I have included Japanese (from google translate) in this fiction, but I have put the English underneath in brackets () so that everyone can still read. I hope you all enjoy Part Two of Paint By Numbers.

Tagging: @mrs-ramsey @caseyvalentineramsey @brycelahelalover @deansmyapplepie @eleanorbloom

====================

It had been a few weeks since their last date and Ethan had been looking for a reason to take Hayley on another one, and they were in the perfect place for him to give her an early birthday present he was sure she would love. They had been in Japan for four days now, mainly just been settling into their hotel and spending time with Hayley’s Godfather, Takeshi. As Hayley was getting ready, Ethan sat on the bed in their hotel room looking over the menu to see what they could get for breakfast.

“Hayley?!” Ethan called out.

“Yeah?!” she shouted from the bathroom as she dried her hair. She looked in the mirror at Ethan as he entered the bathroom and gave her a soft smile.

“What do you want for breakfast?” he asked as he leant on the door frame.

“Um..” Hayley said thoughtfully, continuing to dry her hair. A few minutes passed in silence as Hayley thought before she finally turned the hair dryer off, placing it back on the side. “Can we go out for breakfast today?” she asked as she turned around to face Ethan who now stood up straight from the door frame and opened his arms to pull her into his embrace. She smiled as she rested her head on his chest and he kissed the crown of Hayley’s head gently, almost as if he was to add any more pressure she would break.

“Of course. Did you have a particular place in mind?” he asked with a smile. She smiled back at him as they looked at each other in the mirror lovingly. “Your beauty never ceases to blow me away.” Ethan continued, gently stroking her hair.

Hayley smiled back, a small yawn escaping her. “I thought we could go to the market and see what we could find.”

“Are you sure? You seem like you’re still a little tired.”

“I am. But I want to experience as much as possible with you whilst we’re here.”

“And I’d rather do that with a fully rested Hayley. We aren’t in Boston right now, we don’t have medical responsibilities.”

“I thought you had an important conference call tomorrow afternoon before dinner?”

“Well.... other than that.”

They shared a chuckle before reluctantly pulling away from each other to finish getting ready and head out into the streets of Japan. As they left the lobby of the hotel they held hands tightly and smiled at each other, taking in the sights as they walked past them. When they reached the market, Hayley perked up and let go of Ethan’s hand, skipping ahead to look at all the produce.

“We should cook for my family tonight.” she beamed at Ethan as he caught up and stood behind her.

“Yeah? What are we cooking?”

“Udon?”

“Yeah. I’m cool with that. What about some beef too?”

“What kind of beef?”

“Hmm. What if we made a bunch of snack foods?”

“mmm. maybe.”

“Nigiri sushi?”

“Is that what you want?”

Ethan smiled guiltily as Hayley turned to look at him. She giggled quietly and pecked his cheek before turning back to the vegetable stall they were standing at. They spent another hour wondering around the market before making their way to Takeshi’s to make them lunch and hang out for the day.

As they arrived, Takeshi was outside cleaning the hallway as he spoke to himself in Japanese.

“Fūrigan! Nani no yaku ni mo tatanai gesshi dōbutsu! Hahaoya ga manā o oshieta koto wa arimasen ka? Firushī-”

(Hooligans! Good-for-nothing rodents! Did their mother's never teach them manners?! Filthy-)

Ethan looked on with wide eyes at the empty packets of various kind and half eaten fruit that was all over the floor before turning to look at Hayley.

“Goddofāzā! Nē! Kono konran o nokoshite kudasai, īsan to watashi wa sore o katadzukemasu.-Chū ni haitte yasunde mimasen ka?” Hayley interjected as she approached Takeshi and gently placed her hands on his arms as she looked at him with a kind smile.

(Godfather! Hey! Leave this mess, Ethan and I will clear it up. Why don't you go inside and rest?)

Takeshi looked back at Hayley thankfully and gave her a hug and single nod before turning to Ethan who waved.

“Uh.. Hello.” He smiled

“Hello. Let me take those bags inside for you.” Takeshi offered.

“Oh. No, that’s okay. Thank you. I’ve got them” Ethan smiled back and followed Takeshi inside before coming back out to find Hayley picking up the mess.

“You know.. It still amazes me that you’re pretty fluent in Japanese. How come you didn’t tell me?”

Hayley smiled at him. “There was really no need. I mean... you speak English so...”

Ethan let out a hearty chuckled that rumbled slightly in the back of his throat as he held out his hand. “Let me hold open that bag. We’ll get it done quicker if we-”

“Divide the problem. I know.” She laughed, finishing his sentence.

It didn’t take them long before Ethan was tying the bag and tossing it into the outside trash bin, then heading inside with Hayley to wash his hands so they could prepare the food.

Later in the day, Hayley’s father and step-mum arrived at Takeshi’s just as dinner was in the final stretch of being prepared. Hayley welcomed them inside and lead them to the sitting room where she offered them and Takeshi a glass of wine whilst Ethan stayed in the kitchen and watched over the food.

“So dad, Annie. How has your day been today?”

“It’s been good. We went into town and browsed the market.” Hayley’s father, Alex, replied.

“We managed to find you a couple of presents for your birthday and Christmas.” Annie added cheerily.

“Are you excited for your birthday this year-” Takeshi spoke but was interrupted by a shout from the kitchen

“UH HAYLEY!” Ethan shouted, Hayley’s eyes widened in horror and she ran to the kitchen where Ethan stood watching the pan that had caught fire.

“Oh my goodness!” Hayley exclaimed as she covered the pan with its lid before she grabbed the salt and started throwing it over the fire. “Well don’t just stand there babe! Wet a large cloth!” she shrilled at Ethan, who immediately obeyed her order.

“Hayley? Is everything-” Takeshi’s voice entered the kitchen as the flames luckily died out as the towel was smothered over the flames

“Everything is under control.” Hayley answered, assurance firm in her tone.

Takeshi gave Ethan an unamused look before turning his gaze back to Hayley and nodding stiffly and heading back into the living area. Ethan hug his head as he let out a heavy sigh, clearly ashamed with how he just handled himself and the situation. Hayley turned to him with fire in her eyes, but they softened a little when she saw the expression in his face and noted his body language.

Despite the small delay in their schedule, Hayley, Ethan, Annie, Alex were all seated at the dining table, with Takeshi sitting at the head of it as always. They held hands as they shared a prayer before digging into the vast array of food Hayley and Ethan had spent the majority of their day preparing. The atmosphere between Ethan and Takeshi felt a little tense due to the earlier mishap and in turn was offsetting the whole mood of the table. Although she tried her best to smoothing things out it only ended with Ethan and Takeshi getting into an intense heated argument before Ethan stormed out, Hayley of course excusing herself and running after him. By the time she had caught up however, he was already at the end of her Godfather’s road thanks to his long legs which carried him in large strides and when he was mad he always walked fast which resulted in Hayley running to keep up with him.

“Ethan babe, wait!” she shouted, lunging herself forwards and grabbing his wrist which forced him to stop.

“I’m not going back in there.” Ethan snapped, crossing his arms like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

“Would you listen to yourself for Christ’s sake! You’re a grown man and you’re acting like a 3 year old who has to share their toys. AGAIN!” Hayley screamed at him. He looked back at her with that dumbfounded look he always wore when she dared to yell at him like this. But tonight Hayley wasn’t in the mood for that. “You know what? I’m not doing this again. Not right now. If I can’t enjoy a nice meal with my family and boyfriend present, I’ll enjoy it alone. Go back to the hotel Ethan. And don’t wait up for me tonight. I’ll be checking in somewhere else.” She spat in disgust, Ethan watching her go as she turned on her heel and stomped back towards Takeshi’s house. Once she was out of sight, he sighed as his shoulders sagged low and hung his head in shame as he reluctantly slinked back towards the hotel that he was staying at.

Staying true to her word, Hayley didn’t return to the hotel room that night. It was the worst night’s sleep Ethan had endured for a while. It was cold, lonely and insufferable as the hours ticked by. Ethan stayed up until the early hours of the morning, reading one of Hayley’s books. He caught himself and what he was doing when he reached chapter six of the book, snorting at himself drivingly. What was he doing reading a romance novel? At 2 am no less. Rubbing his tired eyes he closed the book and slid down the bed, under the covers and hugging the book to his chest as his eyes slowly closed as sleep overtook him. The next day after Hayley had spent half of her morning back at Takeshi’s house, smoothing things out with him, she made her way back to the hotel and knocked on the door of the room she was staying in with Ethan. After about five minutes of him not answering she made her way to the front desk, asking for someone to come and open the door for her so that she could get inside. When it was opened the thanked the member of staff and stepped inside as they headed off back down the hall to work and slammed the door a little louder than was needed, but in the bed Ethan didn’t flinch or move a single muscle. Nor did he make any kind of sound to signify that he was in the room. Hayley then started worrying as she walked to the bedroom, but her scowl was back on her face when she saw him lying there fast asleep.

“ETHAN!” she shouted, but still he didn’t moved or make a sound.

She sat on the bed next to him and checked his pulse, which was fine. She then listened to his airways as best she could but those too, were fine. So she resorted to the last thing she could think of doing that was within reason. She stood next to his side of the bed and put all her strength into violently shaking him.

“Ethan Ramsey wake up!” she shouted

Finally, she elicited a grumble in response.

“You have that meeting today and you’re still in bed. Get UP!”

He let out a longer groan and a lowly mumble of “I don’t wanna.”

Hayley let out a frustrated growl before slapping his arm and storming out of the room and sitting on the couch in the living area of the room and turning the TV on. Fifteen minutes later Ethan sauntered in and plopped down in the space next to her and put his arm around her shoulder. Though she was now super pissed off with him and pulled away which earned a look of hurt and confusion from Ethan.

“You should shower and get ready for your conference call.” she said coldly.

A little baffled but mostly hurt, Ethan rose to his feet with a sigh and made his way to the bathroom and took a shower before getting ready and sitting at his laptop waiting for his conference call as he listened to Hayley laughing at the TV. The conference call went smoothly and by the time dinner had rolled around, Hayley had already made her way downstairs to the restaurant, he changed his suit quickly and made his way down to meet her. The first half of the meal was carrying a similar tenseness to the night prior as they ate their starters and then tucked into their steaks. Sighing, Ethan swallowed his bite and looked at Hayley.

“Babe. Why are you still ignoring me? Was what I done last night really that bad?” he asked, confusion in every crease on his face as well as in his gaze as he looked at her.

“You almost set his kitchen on fire Ethan.” She answered bluntly.

“I tried to apologize.” He countered

“That’s not the point. He now thinks I’m dating an incompetent man, regardless of your position as a doctor.” Hayley finished the last sip of wine in her glass before continuing to eat her steak. The tension between them dissipated after that brief conversation and the rest of dinner passed in silence that had a sadness in it.

Ethan paid the bill after they finished their dessert and they headed back to the room in a distanced silence and Ethan watched as Hayley went to the bedroom and shut the door. Sighing he made his way to the couch and spent about two hours watching shows he couldn’t fully understand before making his way to bed, only to find Hayley curled up on her side of the bed on top of the covers and still in her dress. Pain etched on her face, and his heart broke into a thousand piece as a tortured high-pitched sound of pain escaped her lips. He carefully slipped her out of her dress and into one of his t-shirts before sitting at his laptop and finding local things to do that could cheer her up and earn her full forgiveness. He felt like he had been searching for hours when he finally stumbled upon the perfect thing.

The following week Ethan, Hayley, Alex and Annie visited Fushimi Inari in Kyoto, the shrine of a thousand doors and rode on a bullet train through the mountains. Then finally the day of Ethan’s surprise for a Hayley came around. He was up with the sunrise and got ready for the day ahead, waking Hayley up 4 hours after he got up with breakfast before making sure he has their keycard in his wallet as Hayley grabbed a shower and got ready. About an hour later they were at their destination with Hayley blindfolded as Ethan lead her through the gates.

“Okay babe?” Ethan asked

“IIIIII... am fine. But where are we?” she asked.

“That would ruin the surprise.” Ethan replied.

Hayley pouted as her grip on his hands tightened until they came to a stop.

“Okay... I’m going to remove the blindfold now. Just, don’t scream when you see where we are.” He explained. Hayley frowned at the odd request, yet smiled as she noted the hopeful excitement in his tone as he spoke to her. She blinked rapidly as her eyes adjusted to the light around them then gasped with a sharp inhale as she looked around at the foxes surrounding them.

“What? ... Why? ... Where? ... How? ... Wh- what?” she asked with a stutter as she took it all in.

“I ummm... know foxes aren’t always going to be there to help me fix everything. But this felt like something you couldn’t miss and.... there’s something else. You can... cuddle them.”

“I get to cuddle foxes?!” she asks in a quiet shrieky tone, tears of happiness glistening her eyes as she looked up at Ethan who was beaming back down at her.

“You sure do.” He said with a slight tilt of his head, still beaming at her. She jumped into his arms and hugged him tight, burying her face in his chest.

“Thank you.” She said, although her voice was muffled by the fabric of his clothes.

“You’re welcome. Happy early Birthday, Hayley.” Ethan said as he rubbed her back soothingly before she lowered herself back to the ground.

“Early birthday?” she quizzed.

“Yeah... I’ve got you gifts at home in Boston but... this felt like a special moment we could share that I couldn’t pass up and, well... It seems like a pretty great gift for you.” He explained.

Hayley giggled and shook her head lightly. “You will always include the details huh?” she questioned.

“I thought that was imperative to your knowledge of me by now Hayley McAllister.” Ethan quipped.

“It is. Maybe I just like to imperatively point out the obvious, Ethan Ramsey.” Hayley quipped back quickly, making him shake his head in bemusement as they held hands and followed a tour guide around the Zao Fox Village. After following the tour guide around an absorbing a lot of information, it was finally time for Hayley and Ethan to cuddle the foxes. Hayley was immediately in her zone and crouch down to cuddle with the adorable creatures as they surrounded her, whilst Ethan approached the tour guide.

“Excuse me. Um.. yes. Hello. Could you take a few pictures for us? But could you mainly focus on my girlfriend? I’m making an album for her final birthday present to give her and I know she’d love pictures to commemorate her time here.” He asked as he held out his phone.

“Oh! Of course!” the tour guide smiled, and Ethan smiled a thanks at him as he took the phone.

“Ethan, come and cuddle this one. She’s so soft.” Hayley cooed.

Ethan joined her and crouched down, cuddling the foxes too and Hayley watched as his facial features completely relaxed. She was in complete awe of the moment as she watched Ethan seemingly come into an element of his own, and a tear slipped down her cheek as a sudden pang of guilt entered her chest. He hadn’t looked this relaxed in a few days and it was all her fault for being so stubborn and holding a grudge against him that was petty, all to prove to him yet again she will never be taken for a fool. He looked up at her smiling, but it vanished when he saw the single tear sliding down her cheek.

“Hayley.... what’s wrong?” He asked. A deep concern etched on his face.

Hayley sniffled and chuckled a little, taking a deep breath before speaking her next words with a smile. “Nothing. I’m fine. These are... happy tears.” She wiped them from her face as Ethan’s smiled returned to his face.

“I knew you’d like this surprise. But my intention with it wasn’t to make you cry.” He half-joked with a small chuckle.

Hayley chuckled with them and they shared a kiss before cuddling with the foxes again and with permission, taking a couple of selfies to post on Pictagram later that evening.

----------------------------------------

After their visit to the Zao Fox Village, Hayley decided it was only right for Ethan and Takeshi to settle things between themselves over the kitchen incident. Afterall, it was only an accident and in reality a stupid grudge for two fully grown men to be holding against each other. So, they took a taxi over to Takeshi’s, Hayley was given a warm welcome upon arrival whereas Ethan was given a cold and distant “hello.”

Inside the house, Ethan and Takeshi argued for close to 3 hours with Hayley playing mediator and finally shouting for them to be quiet, explaining they were giving her a headache by going round in circles. Eventually the two men apologized to each other. Ethan for almost setting Takeshi’s house on fire, and Takeshi for holding the grudge longer than necessary in the first place. When they left the house and started walk back towards the hotel, everything felt a lot lighter and like it was back to normal. They were almost back at the hotel when Hayley tugged on Ethan’s hand, pulling him towards some arcades.

“Hayley. Why are you bringing us here? You know I hate loudness and crowds.”

“I do. But I also was to play some games and.. you need to win me one of those!” Hayley exclaimed with a pout as she pointed to a machine with cute plush dolphins inside it. Ethan looked between the machine and the cute face outing up at him before letting out a tired sigh, rolling his eyes in mock annoyance.

“Fine. But after this, we go back to the hotel. Yes?”

“Okay!” Hayley exclaimed and danced of father into the arcade and got some money in a little pot then started playing on some machines. Five machines and many loses later, Hayley had enough left for 3 machines. She was wondering around looking for one to play one and caught sight of Ethan across the room still trying to win her a dolphin, a smile came onto her features as she noted the concentration and determination in his eyes, was reflected in his facial features. When she turned around she gasped as she spotted the perfect machine to play on. She rushed over to the machine, which was full of plush elephants, as she looked at them she decided. She would win one for Ethan. Losing on this machine simply wasn’t an option. She inserted the money which was enough for 3 machines all into the one she was standing at and settled as she set her focus on winning an elephant.

After an agonizing 20 minutes, Hayley was down to her final go. This was it. She had to win an elephant. She took a deep breath as she closed her eyes and repeated to herself 3 times “I’ve won the elephant. Thank you for letting me win the elephant.” then turned to the machine, her game face now in full action as she moved the claw towards an elephant. She held her breath as the claw descended towards the plush toy and closed it’s shiny metal talons around it. Time seemed to slow as Hayley watched the claw lift the elephant higher and higher, then towards the win zone of the machine until finally, she registered the machine going off loudly as she had won the elephant.

“ohmygod...” she muttered under her breath. “...I done it. ... I DONE IT!” she shrieked as she took the toy out through the flappy door at the bottom of the machine. As she looked up after turning around she saw Ethan making his way over to her, wearing a smile of his own and his hands behind his back.

“Hey!” she greeted with a smile and bright eyes.

“Hey. Good job babe.” he smiled back as he nudged his head towards the plush elephant in her arms.

“Thanks. I-it’s ... for you.” Hayley blushed, holding it towards him.

“For me?” Ethan queried.

Hayley nodded enthusiastically with widened eyes.

“Thank you.” he murmured with a smile.

Hayley’s smile faded as she realized the irony of the situation. “I thought it was perfect for you.”

Ethan chuckled as he took it, looking it over. “An elephant? But why?”

“Because an elephant is the most observant animal in the world. Their brains are bigger than the brains of any other land animal, and the cortex has as many neurons as a human brain.” Hayley told him with a smug smile.

“Okay. Well, I’m not really sure where to put this.” he admitted.

“I mean, in your hand is pretty perfect.” Hayley noted, smiling at him as he looked at her with a rare soft and tired smile of adoration.

Ethan chuckled slightly and pulled her closer for a hug. “You’re the best girlfriend I’ve had.” He muttered into her hair, planting a kiss on the crown of her head. “Oh!” he exclaimed suddenly, pulling back from her. “I won it by the way.” He smiled, bringing his other hand from behind his back to present a baby blue dolphin.

“Ahhh!” Hayley exclaimed happily as she took it, cuddling it to her chest. “Thank you babe!” she continued snuggling into Ethan’s chest happily.

“You’re welcome. Can we go back to the hotel now?” he yawned as he rubbed Hayley’s back.

“Yeah. We can.” she nodded as they let go of each other, facing each other with a smile before heading back to the hotel hand in hand.

----------------------------

Before they knew it, their return day had arrived, and they were doing last minute checks to make sure they had packed everything they brought with the plus anything extra they brought and were taking home.

“I’m kind of sad we’re going home today.” Hayley said as she checked the drawers in the bedroom.

“You are?” Ethan asked, his hand instinctively touching the side of her face and pulling her towards him. “Do you want to stop on the way to the airport and get a cup of your favourite tea?”

“No. It’ll be okay. I’ve just had so much fun here. I don’t want to leave.”

“I know how you feel. The thought of going back to Edenbrook now scares my brain too.” He kissed the top of her head with a chuckle.

“Scary is one way of describing it.” Hayley joked, closing the final drawer.

“Everything taken out from those?”

“Yep.”

“Good. The wardrobe and bookshelf in the living area are empty of our things too.”

“Awesome. I’ll check the bathroom and then we should be clear to checkout if we have everything.” Hayley sighed with a sad smile.

------------

16 hours later, Ethan and Hayley were back in Boston sitting in the comfort of Ethan’s bed as they snuggled together and just enjoyed each other’s company as they let their phones charge on the bedside table. They were drifting off when suddenly Hayley’s phone came to life with her ringtone, scaring them both awake and sending their heart rates soaring.

“Jesus. I am so sorry Ethan.” She yawned, scrambling from the bed to retrieve her phone. “Oh. It’s Sienna, I better speak to her quickly.” Hayley smiled apologetically as she excused herself from the room and headed to the kitchen.

Ethan sighed and looked around his now lonely room when he spotted the luggage in the corner when they had left it upon arriving home, spotting their plush toys sitting atop their suitcases next to each other. With a long sigh he pulled his tired body from the comfort of his sheets and slinked over to pick up his elephant plush Hayley had won him before getting back into bed with it.

“This is ridiculous.” He muttered to himself as he got comfortable and cuddled the stuffed toy.

About an hour later Hayley came back from her call with Sienna, which  turned out to be Sienna, Elijah and Aurora. “Hey, sor-” she started to apologize but stopped herself when she saw Ethan fast asleep cuddling the plush elephant close to his chest and his hair slightly tousled from where he had moved around a little bit. Tip-toeing back to the bedside table, Hayley placed her phone back on charge and the turned to the luggage, grabbing her dolphin before snuggling in bed next the Ethan.

“Goodnight, Ethan.” She whispered as she pressed a soft kiss to his cheek.

Ethan smiled softly in his sleep as he scooted closer to Hayley and she smiled back, wrapping her arms around him protectively before closing her eyes and going to sleep.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two days later after they were fully recovered from their jet lag, Hayley and Ethan returned to work looking as refreshed as the felt as they walked briskly down the halls of Edenbrook side by side towards the diagnostics office. Although when they arrived home they were dreading going back to work, they couldn’t help the matching smiles they were wearing due to feeling glad to be back. Ethan had already planned to do his dirty laundry that evening, but Hayley had agreed to meet up with her roommates at Donahue’s that night after their shifts to tell them all about her holiday to Japan with Ethan, Alex, Annie and Takeshi.

The day kept both Ethan and Hayley busy to the point where they hardly had a second to stop and only saw each other briefly for a new case that came through to the diagnostics team around mid-afternoon, when they shared a walk to the elevators.

“How are you?” Ethan asked her as they walked at a brisk pace.

“Good. Super busy.” Hayley answered as she jammed the down button on the wall.

“Are you coming back to mine after Donahue’s?”

“Oh. I was... I mean, I can. If you want me to.”

The truth was, Hayley had gotten so used to being around Ethan all the time, the thought of now leaving his side and having her double bed all to herself again felt like an impending loneliness she didn’t want to face.

“No. It’s up to you, Hayley. If you want to go home with your friends then feel free to do so.” Ethan said just as the elevator dinged.

Hayley put her hand in her coat pocket and pressed a key into Ethan’s hand. “It’s my locker key. Go into my bag and take out my apartment keys and wait for me at mine in my room. I’ll try and keep them out until at least midnight so you have a chance to do your laundry and pack an overnight bag.” Hayley spat out as the elevator emptied.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Yes. 100% sure.” She confirmed with a kiss and then stepped into the elevator.

“Why are you kiss me as if I’m leaving your side? I’m getting in too. Doofus.” He chuckled.

The day continued to pass in a busy hustle and bustle as doctors and nurses alike tended to their patients. Later that night just as discussed and planned, Ethan went back to his apartment to do his laundry and pack an overnight bag, whilst Hayley went to Donahue’s with her roommates plus Bryce, and kept them there for as long as possible.

“...So how long was the grudge held between Ramsey and your Godfather?” Bryce enquired.

“Longer than is acceptable by anyone’s standards?” Hayley replied before downing the last of her drink.

“But how long?” Jackie echoed

“Over a week.” Hayley answered bluntly.

“Fell free to tell me to shut up, but it seems pretty stupid to hold a grudge for that long over a fire that didn’t spread.” Aurora commented.

Hayley shrugged and stood up from her seat. “My round. Same again?” she asked and the whole table nodded and with a smile and nod back Hayley turned on her heel and headed over to the bar. “Hey Reggie. Same again please!” she exclaimed politely with a smile just as he phone started vibrating in her pocket.

Ethan ❤

FaceTime

Hayley chuckled to herself as she took a seat on a stool at the bar as she waited for her drinks and answered the call.

“I thought you hated face calls?” she quizzed straight away

Ethan scoffed mockingly. “Hello to you too babe.” He snarked with a slight smirk and Hayley laughed.

“What is it?” she asked as Reggie placed the tray of drinks in front of her.

“Which rooms is yours again? I don’t want to open the wrong door.”

“Oh my God.” She gawffed, “THAT’S why you’re facetiming me?”

Ethan stuttered as a blush visibly creeped up his neck and spread onto his face . “Uhhhhhh...”

“2 door on the right. The one right next door to the bathroom.” Hayley told him as she placed the money in Reggie’s hand and waited for the change.

Ethan walked in and turned the light on, closing the door behind him. “So.. how Donahue’s tonight?”

“The same as always. I’ve missed this place to be honest.”

“We’ll have to go together tomorrow night.” Ethan said as he dumped his bag on the floor next to Hayley’s drawers and mad himself comfy on her bed.

“Thanks Reg.” Hayley smiled as she took her changed from him and pocketed it before picking her phone back up. “What was that babe?” she asked

“I said. We’ll have to go there tomorrow night. Together.”

“Yeah. Of course.” She smiled at him but noted the sleepiness in his sapphire orbs. “Well I should go. You know how rowdy this lot can get, and, you should get ready for bed. We’ll be leaving here soon.”

Ethan sighed with a little pout.

“Ethan. You’re a grown man, we’re having one more round after this and then we’re leaving. Stop pouting at me.”

“I buy you a family trip and you’re still mean to me.” he joked behind a yawn.

Hayley chuckled and turned towards her tabled as she head someone shouting her name. “COMING!” she shouted back then turned back to her phone screen. “Look. I have to go, but I’ll be home soon okay?”

“Fineee.” Ethan huffed like a little child. “I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you!” Hayley chimed

“I love you too” Ethan responded, and they waved goodbye and them hung up.

Hayley returned to the table and placed everyone’s respective drinks in front of them, then took her seat.

“So. Hayley. Dr. McAllister.” Elijah stated, taking a sip of his beer. “What else did you do on your delightfully long break?”

Hayley spent the next 45 minutes talking about what she, Ethan and her family done whilst in Japan.

“And what was your favourite thing?” Sienna asked as Hayley took a sip of her drink.

“I’ll have to give you my top 3. Fushimi Inari in Kyoto, the shrine of a thousand doors. That was an amazing experience. Then we went into the heart of Kyoto and visited a bamboo forest. But Ethan is behind the thing I think I enjoyed the most. I got to cuddle with foxes at the Zao Fox Village and they were so ridiculously adorable. They even made Ethan smile after frowning for so long because of the whole feud, grudge thing.” Hayley answered.

“Wait. Dr. Ramsey smiled at foxes?” Bryce asked, stunned.

“Well yeah. He’s human not a robot Bryce.” Hayley snapped.

Bryce held his hands up and widened his eyes in surrender before finishing his drink.

--------------------------

Soon, the gang had finished their drinks and were back out walking the cold streets of Boston.

“Hayley?” Jackie asked.

“Yeah?”

“Just out of curiosity. What was your favourite thing at Fushimi Inari?”

“Hmmm...” Hayley pondered. “... Probably just getting to experience it with my family and Ethan. But you guys will see more in our little travel vlog we’re putting together. We got blessings from the high priest there to film a little bit of footage for it.”

“You got Ramsey to be in vlogs?!” Elijah exclaimed

“Elijah come on. This is Hayley we’re talking about. The woman can get anyone to do anything.” Aurora pointed out as they rounded the corner onto their street.

“That’s true. Very strong and resilient is our Hayley. Not to be taken for a fool either.” Elijah said back.

“You’ve got that right!” Hayley exclaimed and they all laughed as they headed inside, waving goodbye to Bryce who carried on towards his complex not too far away.

Inside the apartment, the roommates all gathered in the living area with glasses of water.

“Alright guys, tomorrow’s a big day with the Governor coming back to the hospital. Let’s down these and them head to bed. We’ll need all the rest we can get.” Hayley slurred slightly.

Every cheersed their water before downing it then saying goodnight and heading to bed. When Hayley entered her room, Ethan looked at her tiredly out of one eye from her bed.

“You’re home.” He whispered huskily with a tired smile.

“Yeah.” Hayley smiled. “How did your laundry night go?” she continued in a hushed tone as she changed into her pyjamas

“Good. I just need to fold it all when I get home tomorrow.” He replied, watching her intently.

“I’ll come and help you.” Hayley stated as she slid into bed next to Ethan. Cuddling into his warm chest.

“Thank you.” replied Ethan

“No problem.” Hayley yawned. “Hey. Ethan?” she asked.

“mmm?” he hummed

“I’ve been thinking. And we’re sort of doing our own paint by numbers with our relationship.”

“How so?” he quizzed, eyes closed yet ears alert and listening intently.

“Well. Our relationship is the blank canvas. And each activity, event or tragedy we’ve been through, are going through currently, or are going to go through together in the future. Is the colour we’re adding to paint our own beautiful picture of what we perceive love to be.”

A silence stretch between them and for a moment Hayley thought Ethan had fallen asleep when he suddenly spoke. “Then I want our love to make a picture that’s as beautiful as you.”

“Could it be an elephant and fox standing on a shoreline, looking out at a dolphin?” Hayley asked.

“It can be whatever you want it to be babe.” Ethan responded.

Hayley smiled into his chest and snuggled closer as Ethan pulled the covers around the securely.

“Goodnight babe.” Hayley whispered.

“Goodnight beautiful.” Ethan yawned back, wrapping his arms protectively around Hayley as they finally settled for the night.

[yeetyeet2121yeet]

All. Of. Them.

Oh god who are you? It's 1:30am! I'll do 100 questions for you, Anon1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?•The Curse of Curves - Cute is What We Aim For•Bang Bang - Green Day•Revolution Radio - Green Day• Family - Mother Mother• Summer Dress - July Talk• If U Seek Amy - Britney Spears2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Probably Dan/Phil3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.'I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me'-page 22 of Will Grayson Will Grayson bc page 21 only had 16 lines4: What do you think about most?How people see me 5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? Gn - the wise words of Ryley6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?Depends lol7: What’s your strangest talent?well, for being 14 I can talk people out of suicide pretty well8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)GIRLS LOVE GIRLS AND BOYSBoys can wear makeup too9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?yeah, multiple times, both songs and poems10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?like, a week ago11: Do you have any strange phobias?I bloody hate having my window exposed at night 12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?yeah13: What’s your religion?I'm not religious 14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?probably making flower crowns15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?It depends16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?OH GOD NO I CAN'T17: What was the last lie you told?I told someone I was okay18: Do you believe in karma?sort of19: What does your URL mean?It's my preferred name and the year I was born20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?I think my forgiveness is both21: Who is your celebrity crush?hmmm,,,,, I don't really have one22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?yeah23: How do you vent your anger?I text a friend and rant 24: Do you have a collection of anything?yes25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?Video chats26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?Well, the real me, yes. The me I present at home and school, no. 27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?My mother's voiceMy friends' voices28: What’s your biggest “what if”?What if everyone is just pretending to like me?29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?I'm not sure about ghosts, but aliens have to exist. 30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.R- A wallL- my bookshelf31: Smell the air. What do you smell?Me. I smell me. I smell my room. 32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?Home. 33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?West because British Columbia 34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?OHGOD I CANT35: To you, what is the meaning of life?To be true to yourself36: Define Art.Anything you create37: Do you believe in luck?Yes38: What’s the weather like right now?Dark af, but mosty cool39: What time is it?1:36am40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?nah and nah 41: What was the last book you read?Carrie • Stephen King 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?HELL YEAH43: Do you have any nicknames?Yep! Annie, Bean Stalk, Ann, Jo, Twinkie Jo, Daddy (my guy friends are wierd shush), Master (once again, my guy friends hate me) and Hoe44: What was the last film you saw?Rocky Horror Picture Show 45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?Well, I had a soft palate cleft as a baby, but it wasn't as bad as the stuff you see on TV. Mine was just in the roof of my mouth46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?Yeppo47: Do you have any obsessions right now?nah48: What’s your sexual orientation?I don't label that. I like who I like when I like them.49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?oh hell yeah50: Do you believe in magic?Yes51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?For a week or 2, then I get over it52: What is your astrological sign?Libra 53: Do you save money or spend it?Save54: What’s the last thing you purchased?Three Days Grace • Three Days Grace (CD)55: Love or lust?Love56: In a relationship?Nope57: How many relationships have you had?One, and he was a douche58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?nah59: Where were you yesterday?In my room. 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?nope61: Are you wearing socks right now?its 1:43 am hell no62: What’s your favourite animal?cat63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?Listen to them. Pay attention to them64: Where is your best friend?Calgary or like, some hard to spell state ( @unbuttered-toast help) 65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.@unbuttered-toast@nocturnal-spleen@dennys@psych2go@accio-shitpost66: What is your heritage?Uhm, like Ukrainian, Irish, English, round them parts67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?Talking to Roan68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?McBitch69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?..yeah..70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?yes, ofc71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?SAVE THE PUPPO 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?a) yea ofcb) I'd be 100% mec) maybe. I don't know73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.Love, bc trust is a part of love 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?The Danny Phantom theme. Shut up. 75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?451476: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?TRuST and COMMuNICATION77: How can I win your heart?Be a decent human, ffs. 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?Maybe. 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?Reaching out to people on here, bc ive made so many friends 80: What size shoes do you wear?Like, 5?81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?You got what you wanted. Don't you dare cry now. 82: What is your favourite word?Trust83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.Love84: What is a saying you say a lot?SUck My ASs85: What’s the last song you listened to?The Curse of Curves • Cute is What We Aim For 86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?Black, purple, silver, gold87: What is your current desktop picture?Literally its just black. Nothing else. Just black. 88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?Matt/Jaxon89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?Who I really am, but only around my school peeps and relatives90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?Fucking kill myself before they can91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?Mind reading92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?That half hour at camp where we were all watching Up, and Roan and I were cuddling, Ty had my hand, and Lily was lying on my legs. That was a good half hour. 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?All the bad things that happen at home94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?No one, they're all WAY older than me 95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?America to see my friends 96: Do you have any relatives in jail?Probably, its my fucking relatives97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?Yep98: Ever been on a plane?Nope99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?FOR FUCKS SAKE LOVE EACH OTHER

[pea-green]

July’s books!! There’s a whole bunch because I’ve been travelling a lot this month and I get like 80% of my reading done on trains. 

This month: We Go Around in the Night and Are Consumed by Fire by Jules Grant, The Crime Writer by Jill Dawson, Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden, Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris, The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet by Becky Chambers, Fair Play by Tove Jansson, and Birdbox by Josh Malerman. 

We Go Around in the Night and Are Consumed by Fire follows Mancunian lesbian gangster Donna and not to be hyperbolic but I love her and literally everything she says and does is Iconic:

A tragedy forces Donna to take in the book’s other protagonist, her 10-year-old goddaughter Ror, and the scenes where emotionally repressed Donna tries her best to do right by Ror (who thinks the world of her) are easily the best in the book. Women supporting women is a dynamic curiously absent from a lot of wlw books but is 100% present here; the network of northern lesbians, from the mean streets to upper society is wonderful to read. There aren’t many contemporary lesbian-themed books set in the UK, and I loved the style and language - the novel doesn’t use any speech marks which I’ve never seen before but worked perfectly. It’s a dark read, but I really, really recommend this one.

The Crime Writer is essentially Patricia Highsmith RPF. Before I read this book, the only things I knew about PH were 1. she was gay, 2. she wrote Carol, and 3. she was weirdly into snails. All three of those things feature quite heavily in this book, although it’s way, way less whimsical than whatever you’re imagining. Patricia is extremely messed up; all her relationships (with parents, friends and lovers) are in shambles, and while she’s definitely not the most sympathetic protagonist ever written, her slow unravelling is just the right amount of disturbing to be enjoyable. I mean, it’s about a vintage lesbian, I was always going to enjoy it, and there’s praise from Sarah Waters on the back cover - although I wonder if Waters thought certain bits of the plot were extremely similar to The Paying Guests (because I really did). 

I read a friend’s copy of Annie on My Mind years ago and, like a lot of people born in the late 80′s/early 90′s, it was the first LGBT-themed YA book I ever read. I’m really glad I reread it because it’s told retrospectively, and the beginning is more powerful when you know what’s going to happen, and while it’s definitely dated and full of what look like cliches today, the impact it’s had on gay-themed YA books that came after is obvious. It also has one of my all-time favourite scenes which still hits me straight in the heart: 

I went downstairs to Dad’s encyclopedia and looked up HOMOSEXUALITY, but that didn’t tell me much about any of the things I felt. What struck me most, though, was that, in the whole long article, the word “love” wasn’t used even once. That made me mad; it was as if whoever wrote the article didn’t know that gay people actually love each other. The encyclopedia writers ought to talk to me, I thought as I went back to bed; I could tell them something about love. 

I’d also forgotten how sweet the relationship between Liza and Annie is; the life-changing, all-consuming feeling of falling in love for the first time is described perfectly, and I wanted to be cynical about the likelihood of young love like that lasting the ages, but my edition of AOMM had an interview with the author, who is still in a relationship with the girl she fell in love with at high school. Having a much wider reference point for YA lit, I especially appreciated the relationships that Eliza and Annie have with their families (Eliza’s brother especially; why are siblings in lesbian lit always such dicks??), and also I’d like to petition for a book entirely about the amazing lesbian teachers.

Birdbox was recommended by my sister and isn’t gay (bc the only way to get me to read non-gay books is for Gabi to rec them) but I read the whole thing on a ridiculously long train journey and it was a really enjoyable way to pass four hours. It’s a horror/suspense novel set in America 5 years after the sudden appearance of unknown things which, when seen, immediately drive anyone who sets eyes on them to suicide. Society has crumbled and remaining humans live a survivalist existence where they mustn’t ever open their eyes outside of their windowless homes. The execution isn’t on the same level as, say, Stephen King - there were a few really frustrating plotholes and the writing was a little clunky sometimes, but the premise was really interesting and the story gripping enough to read in one sitting.

The Long Way to A Small Angry Planet was recommended by @anormaladdams and I am SO HERE for the socially progressive scifi movement that’s being championed by this and the Imperial Radch series (cute: Ann Leckie is quoted on the cover, calling it “great fun!”). It’s been endlessly likened to a less sexist/racist Firefly, which I think is fair - there is a lot of space-related plot, but all the best scenes are the ragtag band of misfits sharing a spaceship and navigating their relationships with each other. The characters are (nearly) all absolutely lovely, and getting to know them is a joy, but I couldn’t help thinking the narrative jumps around a little too much and might have been an easier read if there had been just two or three POV characters. The book’s a great, fun read in itself (including a wlw relationship! Human/alien relationships aren’t really my bag, but if you like Jenny/Vastra you’ll love this), but there’s a recent sequel in the form of A Closed and Common Orbit which I’ll definitely check out.

I already posted about how my amazing sister got me a signed copy of Me Talk Pretty One Day, but despite being a huge fan of David Sedaris (books and radio), I hadn’t read Talk Pretty before. It’s amazing. I deliberately read it at home rather than on public transport because I figured if it was anything like his other stuff I’d just be cackling away to myself the whole time and it turns out I was absolutely right. Like with his other books, it’s a series of anecdotes which vary from being ridiculously relateable (David being super gay, and also kind of terrible person a lot of the time) to outlandish (I mean, who hasn’t spent 6 months high on crystal meth and living with a man who made a nest out of human hair as an art piece??), but regardless of the subject they’re all brilliant. My favourite - because I used to get dragged along to Gabi’s speech therapy sessions and I suspect why she bought me this particular book - was probably the time he was forced into speech therapy and decided the best way to overcome his lisp was to just avoid the letter S altogether: “plurals presented a considerable problem, but I worked around them as best I could; “rivers”, for example, became either “a river or two” or “many a river”. Possessives were a similar headache, and it was easier to say nothing than to announce that the left-hand and the right-hand glove of Janet had fallen to the floor”.

I picked up Fair Play because it was by Tove Jansson, more famous for The Moomins, and figured that if Ali Smith had written the introduction, it must be gay. It is, but understated doesn’t begin to cover it. It’s a series of vignettes about Mari and Jonna, two artists in their 70′s who live on a tiny Finnish island together. It’s unclear how much of the book is autobiographical, and it’s definitely less cute than, say, Annie on My Mind or other books about girls falling in love for the first time; Mari and Jonna have been together for decades and they argue and compromise and know each other inside out. The theme of Art threads through all of the stories, but I’m a huge philistine and their visions and cerebral discussions didn’t do much for me. (haha they do a lot of sailing about and there are some storms, though, and that definitely did)

[readbookywooks]

THE TICKETS WERE FOR the Saturday show, which was just as well, since it gave me a chance to talk to my parents and ask if I could stay over at Steve's Saturday night. I didn't tell them about the freak show, because I knew they would say no if they knew about it. I felt bad about not telling the whole truth, but at the same time, I hadn't really told a lie: all I'd done was keep my mouth shut. Saturday couldn't go quickly enough for me. I tried keeping busy, because that's how you make time pass without noticing, but I kept thinking about the Cirque Du Freak and wishing it was time to go. I was pretty grumpy, which was odd for me on a Saturday, and Mom was glad to see me go when it was time to leave for Steve's. Annie knew I was going to the freak show and asked me to bring her back something, a photo if possible, but I told her cameras weren't allowed (it said so on the ticket) and I didn't have enough money for a T-shirt. I told her I'd buy her a pin if they had them, or a poster, but she'd have to keep it hidden and not tell Mom and Dad where she got it if they found it. Dad dropped me off at Steve's at six o'clock. He asked what time I wanted to be picked up in the morning. I told him noon if that was okay. "Don't watch horror movies, okay?" he said before he left. "I don't want you coming home with nightmares." "Oh, Dad!" I groaned. "Everyone in my class watches horror movies." "Listen," he said, "I don't mind an old black-and-white film, or one of the less scary Dracula movies, but none of these nasty new ones, okay?" "Okay," I promised. "Good man," he said, and drove off. I hurried up to the house and rang the doorbell four times, which was my secret signal to Steve. He must have been standing just inside, because he opened the door right away and dragged me in. "About time," he growled, then pointed to the stairs. "See that hill?" he asked, speaking like a soldier in a war film. "Yes, sir," I said, clicking my heels together. "We have to take it by dawn." "Are we using rifles or machine guns, sir?" I asked. "Are you crazy?" he barked. "We'd never be able to carry a machine gun through all that mud." He nodded at the carpet. "Rifles it is, sir," I agreed. "And if we're taken," he warned me, "save the last bullet for yourself." We started up the stairs like a couple of soldiers, firing imaginary guns at imaginary enemies. It was childish, but great fun. Steve ?lost? a leg on the way and I had to help him to the top. "You might have taken my leg," he shouted from the top of the stairs, "and you might take my life, but you'll never take my country!" It was a stirring speech. At least, it stirred Mrs. Leonard, who came up from the downstairs living room to see what the racket was. She smiled when she saw me and asked if I wanted anything to eat or drink. I didn't. Steve said he'd like some caviar and champagne, but it wasn't funny the way he said it, and I didn't laugh. Steve doesn't get along with his mom. He lives alone with her his dad left when Steve was very young and they're always arguing and shouting. I don't know why. I've never asked him. There are certain things you don't discuss with your friends if you're boys. Girls can talk about stuff like that, but if you're a boy you have to talk about computers, soccer, war, and so on. Parents aren't cool. "How will we sneak out tonight?" I asked in a whisper as Steve's mom went back into the living room. "It's okay," Steve said. "She's going out." He often called her she instead of Mom. "She'll think we're in bed when she gets back." "What if she checks?" Steve laughed nastily. "Enter my room without being asked? She wouldn't dare." I didn't like Steve when he talked like that, but I said nothing in case he went into one of his moods. I didn't want to do anything that might spoil the show. Steve dragged out some of his horror comics and we read them out loud. Steve has great comic books, which are only meant for adults. My mom and dad would hit the roof if they knew about them! Steve also has a bunch of old magazines and books about monsters and vampires and werewolves and ghosts. "Does a stake have to be made out of wood?" I asked when I'd finished reading a Dracula comic. "No," he said. "It can be metal or ivory, even plastic, as long as it's hard enough to go right through the heart." "And that will kill a vampire?" I asked. "Every time," he said. I frowned. "But you told me you have to cut off their heads and stuff them with garlic and throw them in a river." "Some books say you have to," he agreed. "But that's to make sure you kill the vampire's spirit as well as its body, so it can't come back as a ghost." "Can a vampire come back as a ghost?" I asked, eyes wide. "Probably not," Steve said. "But if you had the time, and wanted to make sure, cutting off the head and getting rid of it would be worth doing. You don't want to take any chances with vampires, do you?" "No," I said, shivering. "What about werewolves? Do you need silver bullets to kill them?" "I don't think so," Steve said. "I think normal bullets can do the job. You might have to use lots of them, but they should work." Steve knows everything there is to know about horror facts. He's read every sort of horror book there is. He says every story has at least some truth in it, even if most are made up. "Do you think the wolf-man at the Cirque Du Freak is a werewolf?" I asked. Steve shook his head. "From what I've read," he said, "the wolf-men in freak shows are normally just very hairy guys. Some of them are more like animals than people, and eat live chickens and stuff, but they're not werewolves. A werewolf would be no good in a show, because it can only turn into a wolf when there's a full moon. Every other night, it would be a normal guy." "Oh," I said. "What about the snake-boy? Do you..." "Hey," he laughed, "save the questions for later. The shows long ago were terrible. The owners used to starve the freaks and keep them locked up in cages and treat them like dirt. But I don't know what this one will be like. They might not even be real freaks: they might only be people in costumes." The freak show was being held at a place near the other side of town. We had to leave shortly after nine o'clock, to make sure we got there in time. We could have got a cab, except we'd used most of our allowance to replace the cash Steve took from his mom. Besides, it was more fun walking. It was spookier! We told ghost stories as we walked. Steve did most of the talking, because he knows way more than me. He was in rare form. Sometimes he forgets the ends of stories, or gets names mixed up, but not tonight. It was better than being with Stephen King! It was a long walk, longer than we thought, and we almost didn't make it on time. We had to run the last quarter-mile. We were panting like dogs when we got there. The venue was an old theater that used to show movies. I'd passed it once or twice in the past. Steve told me once that it was shut down because a boy fell off the balcony and got killed. He said it was haunted. I asked my dad about it, and he said it was a pack of lies. It's hard sometimes to know whether you should believe the stories your dad tells you or the ones your best friend tells you. There was no name outside the door, and no cars parked nearby, and no waiting line. We stopped out front and bent over until we got our breath back. Then we stood and looked at the building. It was tall and dark and covered in jagged gray stones. Lots of the windows were broken, and the door looked like a giant's open mouth. "Are you sure this is the place?" I asked, trying not to sound scared. "This is what it says on the tickets," Steve said and checked again, just to be sure. "Yep, this is it." "Maybe the police found out and the freaks had to move on," I said. "Maybe there isn't any show tonight." "Maybe," Steve said. I looked at him and licked my lips nervously. "What do you think we should do?" I asked. He stared back at me and hesitated before replying. "I think we should go in," he finally said. "We've come this far. It'd be silly to turn back now, without knowing for sure." "I agree," I said, nodding. Then I gazed up at the scary building and gulped. It looked like the sort of place you saw in a horror movie, where lots of people go in but don't come out. "Are you scared?" I asked Steve. "No," he said, but I could hear his teeth chattering and knew he was lying. "Are you? " he asked. "Course not," I said. We looked at each other and grinned. We knew we were both terrified, but at least we were together. It's not so bad being scared if you're not alone. "Shall we enter?" Steve asked, trying to sound cheerful. "Might as well," I said. We took a deep breath, crossed our fingers, then started up the steps (there were nine stone steps leading up to the door, each one cracked and covered with moss) and went in.

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Tell me more about this book blanket? I'm Fascinated

Omg yay!! Okay so I'm knitting two rows per book that I finish in 2024, and each book rows will be a different color based on the genre it is

So here are the books I've read so far. Everything that's in bold is what I've knitted, and the last book on the list is what I'm currently reading but haven't finished yet. So I've knitted everything before Fifty Feet Down, and read everything up to Annie on My Mind, but I'm currently like thirty percent through it.

I'm choosing colors as I finish genres, and I'm trying to do it only with yarn I have (cuz yarn is expensive and I have a lot of yarn. The reason I have a lot of yarn suitable for a blanket is because I took all of this yarn from a blanket I started knitting four years ago and never finished. Like I finished frogging that blanket yesterday and made it into cakes on my new yarn winder!!) I didn't really try to make the colors fit the genres. I just own a lot of navy yarn and knew I'd read a lot of LGBTQ books, and I own a lot of black and know I'll read a lot of horror books. Then for dystopian I just chose a yarn color that I had available, same with mystery.

Here's how it's going so far! You can see the four navy rows for the two LGBTQ books i read, the two purple for the one dystopian book (which is also very good, I highly recommend Debate Kids at the End of the World and that author in general, Alex Nonymous) and then a chunk of black because I read four I. S. Belle books in a row (you can also see all of the ends I didn't weave in, which I'm going to hate myself for when I finish the blanket)

"But Austyn, what if the book is more than one genre?" I'm so glad you asked! Most of these books could be considered more than one genre. Fifty Feet Down is a mystery, but also a romance. So I just consider what genre I believe is more integral to the story, if that makes sense. Fifty Feet Down could be relatively the same if the main characters were just friends, but the story would be vastly different if it wasn't a mystery. Therefore, it gets the mystery color instead of romance. Same with all of the I. S. Belle books. There's romance in them, but if you took out the romance it would still be pretty similar, but if you took out the horror it would be an incredibly different story.

So that's my 2024 book blanket!