#and the juvinile is kinda cute

[fluffy-pawninja]

the video was there but didn't play for moment and i wasn't expecting the ball of pocket lint to start walking

flatid planthopper nymph, Singapore. hemipterans (true bugs) like these have mastered the art of covering oneself in weird waxy filaments, which are shed along with their last juvenile molt, revealing a sleek, gossamer-winged adult

[aboynameddash]

Taylor Bowden

I finally can cross the name “Taylor” off my list, I guess. After I put in my notice at upstart yesterday I decided to semi take the rest of the day off and lay by the pool at Lafayette. So I did what almost everyone else decided to do at the pool yesterday - I brought my headphones and laptop and worked from there. Next thing I know a cute (fit) guy sits on the chair beside me and I didn’t think too much into it other than I chose a good spot due to the sun. a little bit passes by and I’m here flipping around a few times working on my laptop and all of a sudden he goes “its a nice day out...” and we started to talk! I mean, I wasn’t gonna strike up conversation. “What’re you working on, other than your tan.”  I wasn’t really counting for it to be anything...I mean, lately I’m literally just taking opportunities as they come and sure enough, we exchange numbers because he wanted to invite me out with his friend to pretzels and pints later.  I wasn’t really gonna go since he’s in the navy and was still in school, but then he mentioned polite provisions and I kinda wanted to go. Plus I haven’t been on a date in a hot minute so I felt called to. So here I am going in on this date with this guy who’s pretty decent looking but if I’m being completely honest, the conversation was meh. I found out he’s 28 - is in the navy and have been for 5 years, wanting to put in another 5. He’s getting his masters in mechanical engineering and he lives in monterey currently. He’s from Houston, TX but when he joined the navy, they stationed him here in San Diego before moving him up to Monterey. and he was only in town for a few days visiting san diego and some friends - staying at the Lafayette Hotel. At one point I just kept thinking I might be able to get drunk enough to sleep with him once just because it’s been a while.  Obviously it was fun and I stayed for about two hours but those two hours FELT like two hours- it’s not like it flew by. I wanted to leave, but I almost just really wanted him to drive me home since it was a walk away. He had about 3 coctails and and beer, I had about 2 drinks and a beer and right when I decide I kinda wanted to invite this guy over, he can’t get the check fast enough. He gets up and must’ve gotten up really fast but he stumbles and I can clearly tell he’s drunk. He then asks me “am I meeting your dog?” and I just up front say “no.” The next thing I know he tries to throw his arm around me because it’s cold and I just kinda dodged it. We keep walking home and he starts telling me how he’d definitely feeling it and that he’s gonna leave his car there because he can’t risk driving drunk. Good on him. But when. I found that out, it just felt so juvinile. We keep walking and he starts telling me I looked cold even though I was seriously warming up. We get to my apartment, I thanked him for the night and parted ways.  That was that. I can’t really say anything else. I didn’t think he was bad or anything, I just wasn’t interested in him after seeing him drunk. It also didn’t help that he had facial features that semi reminded me of aaron felix. I just couldn’t do it, I guess. 

Meanwhile theres this other guy from the dog park that I actually strangely find myself attracted to. Not 

[sketchesandnonesense]

I know I’ve been making alotta ramble-y posts lately but hey I’ve been having alotta thoughts in my head

n that’s rlly annoying when i’m trying to enjoy my night and relax before i have morning shift tomorrow

SO

another long post under the ol cut

since I’m too afraid of seeking Professional Help because of general anxiety and also being afraid of Costing Money, venting out all my weird thoughts here is the best thing i got

if you actually read these weird things, gods rest your soul

plus, writing things out makes it alot easier to sort through my thoughts and not get wrapped up repeating one thing over and over or becoming so incoherent trying to verbally explain my feelings that i get lost

and I don’t have to worry about dumping everything on someone n giving them the unofficial title of Therapist of the Hour n I’d feel bad later even if they assured me everything is fine

so that’s nice

n i guess i should actually start typing out what I’ve been thinking alot recently bc well, it’s why i’m here n what you’re expecting to read 

i mean

for most people care I could post the entire bee movie script under here n it wouldn’t make a difference

though that wouldn’t really help anything

Nah

think I’ll just stick to venting in these things and save the memes for other shit

sO

I HAVE MANAGED TO BE BOTH IN A HORRIBLY MUSHY AND AFFECTIONATE MOOD

ASWELL AS A PAINFULLY DEPRESSED AND INSECURE MOOD

SIMULTANIOUSLY

BECAUSE I AM THE QUEEN OF FUCKING MULTITASKING 

My main fear right now is that I’m being both Annoying to my friends and Far Too Neglecting

because some i irritate far too often for attention and others usually need to message me first for interaction

and it’s awful

I’m awful

but it’s what happens

I’ve gotten comfortable enough with my new friend I don’t get so anxious i keep from ever messaging them

but i’m not comfortable enough to easily tell myself they’re busy and they don’t find me an absolute fucking pest

 I simultaneously manage to Over Estimate and Under Estimate my charisma 

it’s really weird and Very Dumb

and those fucking stupid mushy thoughts haven’t gone away

they were kept at bay for what? two days tops??

and next thing i know my heart is melting to a pile of goo again and i feel all tight in my chest thinking about things and it’s gross n I wish it’d gone away for good but that’s looking to be near god damned impossible to accomplish

 oh! but it’s not just my total ineptitude at socialization that’s making me an anxious and insecure mess!!

it’s my art!!

because of course, every so often i have to have a crisis that my art is plateauing and it’ll never get any better and my style is generic garbage

because y’know

it’s just something I Do apparently

and i hate thinking about it because it feels like i found an old broken record and put it on knowing fully well it skips and repeats and is generally the same garbage I don’t want playing 

and yet

here we are again retracing my steps 

the same thoughts repeating that things will never change. I’ll never get better. I’d better start figuring out something new to do with my life because art quite simply isn’t and cannot be my calling

of course as a kiddo i had to get fixated on singing and art and continue that fixation well into adulthood 

two things I’m always mediocre at and too terrified to properly pursue

fantastic

I’ve been trying to just think about where I’m at and enjoy it

enjoy the comfortable situation I’m in and enjoy the Now instead of always fretting over the future and what I could do or say or how things could go wrong

bluh 

it’s hard

I see my friends all working towards goals and having things happening or that they’re doing in their lives and I just feel sorta 

stagnant 

you know?

I feel like such a fucking failure and I know fully well my life’s barely started at all

I’m 19 going on 20 for christs sake

I shouldn’t be feeling like this

aaand yet here i am 

ugh

I guess moving back to the mushy thoughts because those have less Existential Crisis and feel more petty (??) and make my head hurt less, though it does kinda transfer the pain to my chest which is Annoying but it’s easier to type with an aching soul than a headache so, on we proceed

I feel so weird when it comes to relationship-y things mostly because atleast a year or two back i really took on the idea of there being many kinds of love and that i shouldn’t be so restrictive to who I tell “I love you” and show affection to 

when I tell friendo H “I love you” it’s entirely different than when i tell someone else

though I’m admittedly pretty conservative with who gets an “I Love You” directly vs who gets my now almost customary “Sleep tight, don’t die!��� salutations when my friend is heading to bed. I love my buds M1 and M2 alot but i love them a different way than H, you know?

and then how i feel about another friend is in an entirely different ball park that i haven’t felt since highschool

and one thing that sorta bugs me about myself is

I whine and complain about being starved for affection

I wish on stars for a love and I lament about how I’d cuddle up to the first person to offer but

I have been offered hearts before

several times

people have asked if I wanted to date them and i turned them down

because I didn’t feel that sorta love for them

I love them like i love most of my friends but

not like that

so, I broke their hearts like that

and i feel like I’m on the other end though i guess i’m not entirely sure?

I wanna ask more and try to really pin down what the situation is but I feel so awkward talking about it I couldn’t imagine trying to interrogate the poor soul

i 

I think I’m in love?

i don’t really know

because love is a feeling at first, and then a choice to keep loving them

and i think I’ve chosen to keep loving them and i guess my heart doesn’t do take backs

so

this is a thing I’ll haveta deal with

I have these stupid mushy feelings now and finally someone to pin them on and it’s alittle bit worse than having that feeling like you’re in love with someone you haven’t met yet so you can only deal with the vague feeling of needing someone in your arms and someone’s lips against yours

maybe it is just juvinile infatuation and I’m wrong and i don’t know myself nearly as well as I thought i did

maybe it’ll go away in acouple of weeks and I’ll feel like a complete idiot for being a sappy fuck and making long whiny posts about it on tumblr dot fucking com

but

I keep thinking about it and I just

I know it’s more than just an infatuation

because bones tried to ask if maybe i was just thinking he was cute and getting all mushy over that and honestly i was somewhat offended

like

I can think people are cute

maybe even downright gorgeous to the point they make me clutch my chest

but

I don’t get this way over them

I don’t turn into a pile of lovey dovey trash over just a pretty face

though it helps 

i fall head over heels for personalities

for how people are

and dear god am I in love with that

how they talk is so different from how they type, though when they get really tired it shows more in their typing and it’s kinda adorable

gods do i wish we could skype more but

I don’t wanna bother them too much and they haven’t been feeling well recently so that’d be a dick thing to do

they’re so creative and talented and nice and yes I’ll mention they look kinda cute, fight me.

and I know we’ve talked a fair bit and learned a decent chunk about eachother i still wanna know more bout them n talk about things n learn what they like 

i want to see them happy above all else 

and 

i don’t know what to do with myself

because i don’t wanna seem annoying and i don’t wanna be nosy and i’m just

I’m such a mess I really am 

I wanna flirt n be a bug but i’m afraid it’d be awkward because gods know my only modes of flirting are “accidental” and “subtle as a bulldozer”

sorry if these posts are getting on anyone’s nerves

but hey

atleast they’re under a cut, right?

and it’s My shitty ass blog so i can post as much Shitty Ass Content™ as i wanna

which means TMI bout my depression, anxiety, and being disgustingly in love and having no idea how to deal with my emotions at any given point in time

if you got to the bottom w/out too much skimming, congrats i guess???

have a music that’s pretty relevant to my current emotions

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3lF2qEA2cw

night